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 Author Thread: London Meet & Greet - Oct 1st, 7-9pm - 520 Dundas/513 Queens Ave
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
London Meet & Greet - Oct 1st, 7-9pm - 520 Dundas/513 Queens Ave
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:12:27 AM
Well, that all makes perfect sense, and I appreciate you taking the time to provide so much detail. My curiosity is sated. : )
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
London Meet & Greet - Oct 1st, 7-9pm - 520 Dundas/513 Queens Ave
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:07:10 AM
I know it's not always the same people who host these London events, so I'm not directing this to you specifically... but I'm curious about why these so often seem to be held during the week. Like a lot of POF members, I live near but not in London, so travel time adds another hour to the evening. And like a lot of members, I don't work a day shift. For a couple of years I've considered going to these, but since they most often seem to occur in the middle of the week, I have to dismiss them as impractical. Too bad, as they're a great way to meet new people. Is there something about holding them on a Friday or Saturday night that doesn't work well either?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Can White Americans REALLY judge what is racist and what is not?
Posted: 7/23/2009 8:25:09 PM

1) Can White American fairly judge actions being racist or not?

You make it sound like white Americans invented racism, whereas the earliest examples of recorded history indicate plenty of it going on between non-white cultures. It seems to be human nature to pick on others because they're different from us. So if your question is "can human beings fairly judge actions being racist" (assuming you consider white Americans to be human beings) the answer is pretty obvious... some can, and some can't.

2) Can White Americans that have few dealings w/ minorities in their personal or professional lives really say that they don't have problems w/ race?

Whether or not I have "problem with race" depends entirely about how I feel about human beings in general. If there's something about green people that I dislike, there will be something about purple people that will bug me too, and I might even hate blue people. If I believe that all men are created equal, then any dislike or hatred I develop for someone will be based on that individual. I don't need to have dealt with Jews, Hispanics, Afghans, women, or disabled people in their personal or professional lives to know that we'll get along just fine unless there’s something about a particular individual among them that puts me off… and then my quarrel will be strictly with that person.

3) Can White Americans that tolerate racist actions,behavior and language from family members and friends really not call themselves racist?

Can we tolerate someone lying without calling ourselves a liar? Can we tolerate someone having an affair without calling ourselves unfaithful? One of the most common definitions of the word "tolerate" is "put up with something or somebody unpleasant". Have you heard of "love"? It's really catching on, Man.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Can White Americans REALLY judge what is racist and what is not?
Posted: 7/23/2009 8:11:46 PM

1) Can White American fairly judge actions being racist or not?


You make it sound like white Americans invented racism, whereas the earliest examples of recorded history indicate plenty of it going on between non-white cultures. It seems to be human nature to pick on others because they're different from us. So if your question is "can human beings fairly judge actions being racist" (assuming you consider white Americans to be human beings) the answer is pretty obvious... some can, and some can't.


2) Can White Americans that have few dealings w/ minorities in their personal or professional lives really say that they don't have problems w/ race?


Whether or not I have "problem with race" depends entirely about how I feel about human beings in general. If there's something about green people that I dislike, there will be something about purple people that will bug me too, and I might even hate blue people. If I believe that all men are created equal, than any dislike or hatred I develop for someone will be based on that individual. I don't need to have dealt with Jews, Hispanics, Afghans, women or disabled people in their personal or professional lives to know that we'll get along just fine unless they're something about a particular individual among them that puts me off.


3) Can White Americans that tolerate racist actions,behavior and language from family members and friends really not call themselves racist?


Can we tolerate someone lying without calling ourselves a liar? Can we tolerate someone having an affair without calling ourselves unfaithful? One of the most common definitions of the word "tolerate" is "put up with something or somebody unpleasant". Have you heard of "love"? It's really catching on, Man.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Signs of emotional abuse.
Posted: 4/9/2009 10:30:06 PM
Wow... it sounds like both of you are struggling in a relationship that neither of you are meant for, at least not in the context of happiness. If you're convinced this has to be (in order to teach you something) then by all means carry on. Otherwise, I suggest you find someone who can honour you, and who inspires you to honour him. Honest love between two people isn't about pain and misery. The fact that both of you habitually experience this should tell you something.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 85 (view)
 
To Tell or Not to Tell?
Posted: 4/9/2009 9:56:13 PM
I haven't read the pages of responses, but here are my two cents...

"I am sure allot of people would say that one needs to be honest with their partner however if the secret has no effect on your present relationship and it isn't something that affects your partner in any way and you have dealt with it and put it behind you
than why be compelled to tell your partner and ruin a good thing?"

So is honesty important in a relationship, or isn't it... and if it is, what are the qualifiers? You're suggesting there's a statute of limitations. If we go with that, what's the limit... ten years? five years? one? And if the others involved in your little "secret" don't feel it's behind them, then guess what? It isn't behind you.

"I feel that we are all entitled to keep some secrets"

This isn't about entitlement. It's about what's required for a deep and lasting relationship, and any meaningful relationship is based on trust. How can I trust you if I don't know who you are?

"sometimes coming clean can only lead to hurt. Thats just my two cents, what's yours?"

Sometimes coming clean temporarily leads to hurt, sure... but if you work through the pain together, your relationship becomes authentic. If you're hiding things, how real are you being... and if he's hiding things too, well... I'm sure it's obvious where this is going.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Confidence vs arrogance
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:24:27 AM
Arrogance is a false self-confidence, where you allow or convince yourself to believe you're better than other people. It's false simply because no matter how intelligent, gifted, good looking, etc. we are, we are never better than others... just different.

Confidence is knowing who you are and loving it. If anything, confidence leads you more towards tolerating and accepting other people rather than diminshing or demeaning them.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 162 (view)
 
so you viewed me and now what?????????
Posted: 10/15/2007 1:53:47 PM
Like anything, there are a lot of possible reasons. I'll start by telling you that this has never happened to me. I'd be thrilled if someone on my favourite's list took the intiative to contact me, and let be even more specific... I would be totally flattered if I were one of the guys you had contacted. I'm pretty heavily into theatre, so let's frame it that way... this whole online dating thing is just like an audition, and we already know you that you only get one chance to make a first impression. When I don't get the part... especially when I know I'm perfect for it... I remind myself that (unless I was too nervous or something) it had nothing much to do with me. The person who's watching me has a vision of what she wants, or it might just be a "sense" or a "feel for", and the fact that I don't fit that is all about them. Besides, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that I wasn't a good fit for, anyway... that's a recipe for disaster.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
viewed me - suggestion for improvement
Posted: 9/30/2007 8:46:28 PM
I can't believe no one has mention this yet, but I have always found the "viewed me" feature fairly unhelpful. Once you've seen the first batch of people who viewed you, there is really no point in seeing those same people again (well, maybe once more... but not again, and again, and again). How is there any value in me knowing, months later, that someone viewed me once? What I really want to know is who's viewed me recently for the first time... and that's very hard to pick out among all those other people (you can't easily tell when someone's new from just looking at a picture, because people post new pics of themselves regularly).
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 134 (view)
 
so you viewed me and now what?????????
Posted: 9/30/2007 8:34:41 PM
Sorry if I'm repeating anything... I just didn't have the time or patience to wade through six pages. : )

I generally don't respond to women who have only "viewed me". If the picture attracts me, I'll look at the profile (which sometimes inconveniently generates a notice that I've viewed them). A lot of times I'm surprised by the picture in that profile, because when you see it enlarged they're not as attractive as they seemed in the small pic... or you discover you already know them (the tricky she-devils have thrown up a new pic that disguises them). If I'm still attracted at that point... which is rare, because you usually find they are fishing for something specific that's not you, like they want somebody tall, or black, or there's some reference to income (which turns me right off)... I'll send them a flower. If someone *really* captures my interest (which has only happened maybe seven or eight times since I've been a fish) I'll write to her... and then they usually don't write back with any interest. C'est la vie. Does that help?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
fix the saw
Posted: 6/16/2007 11:40:15 PM
Hi there,

I would like you to join me in my quest to put right sayings that, over the years, have become twisted around until they no longer make sense. That itself is not terrible... if people would only stop using them once they no longer make sense!!!

All I want is for you to start helping me spread the proper versions, so our grandkids won't think we're a generation of morons, senseless saying speakers... and to come up with at least one more example of your own here.

Here's one example: the proof is in the pudding. See what I mean? What purpose could it possible serve to say that to anyone? It certainly won't make you seem intelligent (though that's part of the purpose of using a witticism). Now... try the right version instead: the proof of the pudding is in the eating. That makes perfect sense, and can be very useful at times.

Here's another: He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Well of course if I have cake, I'm perfectly able to eat it whenever I choose. The correct version, is: he wants to eat his cake, and have it too. Ah... you are starting to feel this along with me now, aren't you?

One more from me, and it's your turn: Money is the root of all evil. The correct version is: the love of money is the root of all evil. There's nothing wrong at all with money!

I look forward to your help, and to hearing your pet peeves in this area.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Does pain in a relationship come from the way we think?
Posted: 4/24/2007 3:48:04 AM
I guess the reason I'm interested in this particular point is that it came up so much in my last relationship. It's very easy for others to do or say whatever they want, and then claim however it affects you is all about you. I'm not sure we should let them off the hook that easily. I do believe we create most of our own grief by how we receive and respond to things... I'm just not sure if it's entirely about us.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Does pain in a relationship come from the way we think?
Posted: 4/23/2007 12:19:13 PM
When you feel pain in a relationship, is it all because of the way you’re looking at things?

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book entitled “The Four Agreements” tells us that thousands of years ago the Toltec were known throughout southern Mexico as "women and men of knowledge." Anthropologists have spoken of the Toltec as a nation or a race, but, in fact, the Toltec were scientists and artists who formed a society to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge and practices of the ancient ones. They came together as masters (naguals) and students at Teotihuacan, the ancient city of pyramids outside Mexico City known as the place where "Man Becomes God."

Sr. Ruiz, through this book, shares with us the five core philosophies that summarize “ancient Toltec wisdom”. One of these is “Don’t Take Anything Personally”. Personal importance (or taking things personally), Ruiz says, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me."

Ruiz goes on to say that when you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. If someone gives you an opinion and says, "Hey, you look so fat," don't take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey. It is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself.

Think back to the last disagreement you had with a co-worker, a sibling, a partner, a child or a parent. Are you able to remember that moment when things shifted from trying to express yourself to trying to defend yourself?

I just reacted a little defensively on another site after being accused of plagiarism. Was that because I thought it might be true… or that I knew it wasn’t true, but didn’t want anyone else thinking it might be? Or was it that this fellow sailed right over my point as if I didn’t have one? Maybe there was something in his general approach that triggered my response, and it had nothing all to do with his argument.

It seems clear that depending on my reaction to any of the above points, I could end up ‘hurting myself’, but aren’t relationships about both people? Is it possible for someone to hurt you independently of how you percieve the action?

If you touch something hot enough, it will hurt. Your flesh will burn, it will smell, it will eventually scar. That’s not all in your mind.

Can certain words or intentions from others hurt you in ways that are beyond your control?
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 181 (view)
 
can men fall in love after a couple weeks???
Posted: 4/17/2007 4:47:50 AM

Friend of mine very professional quite plain was engaged within 2 weeks after she met someone from a dating site... however, 4 years later she is happily married.. with the same guy... still madly in love...cool huh!?
I love hearing stories like this, and they're so rare. There seems little question this couple is in love now, but the root question remains... were they in love within the first couple of weeks? I'm going to stick my neck out and say "no"... that they didn't know each other well enough to be. They apparently had all kinds of reasons to stay together, and grew to love each in the process, but for every couple like this you hear about, there are hundreds more who started out in exactly the same way... but where things did not end well. So were none of those hundreds actually in love within the first two weeks? Or is it more likely that no one is [italic]really[/italic] in love that quickly, but that every so often fate smiles on a couple, and the match is perfect enough within that first two weeks that they can want to stay together long enough to get to know each other, and that they fall deeply in love in the process?
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
 
How can you tell if your in love?
Posted: 4/16/2007 7:59:31 PM

I usually know...well...if the thought of picturing that person with someone other than me tears me up, then BAM! I'm in love.
Hmm… and I would say if you really loved her, that wouldn’t matter. You would trust her. It wouldn’t matter who she’s with because you know in your heart that she’s with you.

You can tell if you are in love if anytime you are near that person your heart pounds very fast.
My heart beats very fast sometimes when I find myself within inches of a gorgeous woman at work… I think that’s chemistry, which is different.

I tend to become bloated and gassy
um… I' pretty sure that’s something else, too.

I think love is a lot of things rolled up in one… chemistry, desire, affection, sexuality, warmth... all of that for sure… but it’s mostly (and I’m talking here about deep, abiding, romantic love) about knowing, trusting, respecting and honouring each other.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 179 (view)
 
can men fall in love after a couple weeks???
Posted: 4/16/2007 7:32:43 PM
I think to answer the question about whether people (this is not just about men, really) can fall in love within two weeks, there has to be some sort of common agreement about what love is. You can certainly feel an overwhelming headiness upon just meeting someone… it’s rare, but it’s happened to me a couple of times. Is that love? You can feel very strong warmth spreading through you, even after a few days, whenever you talk to or think about a certain person. Is that love? You can feel amazement and relief wash over you to have come across someone who “gets you”… who seems to feel the same as you do about life and love. Is that love? Personally speaking, I’m not sure you can truly love someone without knowing them, and the logical extension of that is this: I’m not sure how well you can get to know someone in two weeks.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Fear is not your friend!
Posted: 4/14/2007 3:35:35 PM
Having said all that, it sure is a different way to related to people.
Hey, have you tried www.facebook.com yet? It's a different approach again, and very interesting. Cheers!
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Fear is not your friend!
Posted: 4/7/2007 1:11:59 PM
Jeff… you’re making a few broad and very inaccurate assumptions here. First (as someone alluded to earlier) we can certainly be here and having fun in the ‘real’ world too… there’s time enough for both. Second, it’s unreasonable to assume that everyone is necessarily having fun when he or she spends time in the ‘real’ world. Third, why would you discount an online experience as not being part of the ‘real’ world? Do you email your friends and family? Do you pay your bills online? What’s so different about this? It’s just another way of relating to people. What you’re hinting at is that people who do the online dating thing are obsessed with it, but that’s just not the case for many, many people.

Anyway, about the fear… it’s like anything else. The more we want something, the more the possibility of not getting it bothers us. The trick is to set our lives up so that pretty well everything is already good. Then if you decide you want to meet someone, it’s not a big deal if she doesn’t write back… there’s nothing to fear.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
is my profile intimidating?
Posted: 1/3/2007 10:16:12 PM
"Appears on 478 members favorites lists"
And we're fairly certain that's not just the pictures, are we? Have you ever noticed that's it's almost always the woman with attractive pictures who have the huge fan clubs? It's not about looks though, right?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
is my profile intimidating?
Posted: 1/3/2007 10:12:41 PM
Actually, I just read your profile again, and I think what puts me off is that it comes across as fairly negative (e.g. "guys, don't do this" or "guys, you better do that"). Since you're asking for advice... it seems logical that if you want us to appreciate the way you think more than the way you look, you should probably make your words more appealing than your pictures. Cheers!
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
is my profile intimidating?
Posted: 1/3/2007 9:39:04 PM
Your profile sounds very much like others I've read (someone called it "a checklist") where one gets the impression the guy has to be this very limited, defined person in order to attract your interest. That's fair enough. You know what you want. But such a carefully specific profile tends to give the impression any deviation from your exact list will not be bothered with (tolerated?). That's not intimidating, it's just not appealing... to me, at any rate. Why would anyone who gets that message, and who doesn't exactly fit your list, bother to respond? And how many guys *would* fit something that specific?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Maturity comes with age? Dating age limit?
Posted: 12/17/2006 9:53:02 AM
It seems to me that we’re working against ourselves to enforce rules of any kind on relationships, and we can end up losing out on some really good stuff as a result.

Romantic relationships start with chemistry and emotions. If the mix is right, they can develop into real love… the kind of love where both people happily self-sacrifice for the relationship. But the ‘right’ mix is really hard to find, and if you start manipulating your relationships by imposing limits on them (e.g. only certain looks, ages, incomes, etc. qualify) it’s going to be heck of a lot harder to find that special someone.

I think the best relationships are the ones that start with unconditional acceptance of the other person. Remarks like ‘he’s really mature for his age’ or ‘she looks great for someone who's had three kids’ suggest that we like, love, or are attracted to people in proportion to how closely they fit certain pre-defined standards. At our core, though, someone is either attractive to us or they’re not, and it’s not their age that determines it. I can’t honestly say I find 20 year olds attractive… any more than I can say I find 40 year olds unattractive. But I CAN say that I find many twenty years olds and forty year olds unattractive, and certain 40 year olds and 20 year olds very attractive.

Fohged aboud id! Just go with the flow. Enjoy the guy for who he is. Appreciate him as fully as you can while you have the chance to. So what if you find, as you start getting to know each other, that there are things about him that won’t work for you? Because you sincerely accepted and appreciated him as a person, you’ll end up with another good friend in your life instead of another partner. How bad is that?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 38 (view)
 
A GUYS VIEW
Posted: 11/6/2006 9:17:13 PM
If he has no trouble at all until intercourse, it’s emotional… and if you don’t have a clue about what’s affecting him at that specific point, then either you haven’t been around him as long as you say you have, or you’re with the wrong guy (meaning there’s some pretty important stuff he’s not sharing with you). Bottom line? You *have* to talk about it with him. It’s that simple… whether or not he gets offended. And to answer your question, I suppose it would hurt a little for me to talk about something like that. It might even be intensely uncomfortable... but I would much rather experience that than have you grow to resent me (or worse, lose interest in me) over it.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
why do men need to be understood, yet are not understanding?
Posted: 11/6/2006 8:52:31 PM
buttercupbunny: Are you perhaps expecting men to become as emotionally available as you do, within the same sort of time frame? To assume there’s a correlation between a man’s willingness to share his feelings, and his ability to process the emotions and sensitivities of others, is a gross miscalculation. In general, men have always struggled with being ‘sensitive’ (i.e. thoughtful, understanding, and considerate of others). Also, consider that if you invite them, men are not necessarily ‘dumping their baggage’ when they share things with you. Finally, try taking his emotional temperature before sharing your own intimate secrets with a man.
Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot. : )
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
June 4th Karaoke Night in London
Posted: 5/31/2006 4:34:11 AM
I think I'll come.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Can I get my crap together?
Posted: 5/1/2006 7:44:51 AM
There is no question that humping on the dance floor is a widely accepted feature of contemporary nightclub dancing. What this amounts to for the individuals involved has a lot to do with the spirit of invitation, I think.

If I'm alone at the club and invited to hump, it's certainly OK for me to hump. If someone assumes I'm OK with it, and wasn't invited by me, that may not go well at all. Definitely, as a guy there should be no humping without an invite.

If I'm there with a woman, and a different woman wants to hump, I would not want to. But let's assume for the sake of argument that I did... I would need to know my companion was OK with it.

Basically, if everyone involved is OK with it, it's cool. If you're not making sure of that first, you're asking for trouble... and you deserve the fallout (whatever your rationale was for going down that road).
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 44 (view)
 
is a strong woman really that bad?
Posted: 4/27/2006 8:35:10 PM
I think the men who think strong women are b**ches are thinking of 'strong' as domineering or controlling (as someone put it, "my way or the highway"). And why would anyone have any patience with that kind of personality? It is, as so many others have characterized it (though too politely, in my opinion) a form of arrogance.

I can't think of a man who would find the kind of woman you define as 'strong' objectionable in any way.

One of the things I love about women is their strength, their resilience, their toughness… on so many levels, but don’t get me started about controlling women!!!
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 139 (view)
 
Relationship
Posted: 3/11/2006 10:30:08 PM
Sugar, I only skimmed through the last four pages, so my apologies if I’m repeating… but it’s quite possible this isn’t all about him.

The guy is obviously ape over you, which is in itself not a problem. The problem is that you fit the profile of a hot young woman who goes out of her way to bend some sweet guy into your sense of what he should be, and then to feel contempt (or at least, disrespect) for him because he doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to you.

Why not just do both of you a favour? Get out of that relationship, and find a guy who will give you a run for your money?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
she still likes too have her say with what i do with my life.
Posted: 2/3/2006 6:52:06 PM

She found out that i have a profile on plenty of fish and she went off. now i all of a sudden have a private life that i won't tell her about.
It sounds like she still cares about you. Why else would it even bother her?
little does she know that if she asked i would tell her anything she would like to know.
And it sound like you still care about her.
she said she would always be there for me but it seems that it is not the case.
She's hurt and confused. Breaking up is hard to do.

she still likes too have her say with what i do with my life.
There's a huge difference between her telling you how she feels, and her trying to force you to follow her rules. If you honestly care about her, you want to know how she feels... especially if you still value her as a friend. On the other hand, if she's pushing you around, she's not honouring you.

Politely but firmly thank her for her input and leave it at that.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
the 'My Forums' link
Posted: 12/20/2005 11:03:52 PM

probably the space in your user name.

I’ve had the same user name since I signed up. I had no problems at all for months, so that’s not it either... and it’s still not working.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
the 'My Forums' link
Posted: 10/30/2005 7:51:25 PM
the problem is still there... for three days now.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
the 'My Forums' link
Posted: 10/28/2005 2:22:03 PM
So why would I develp that problem in the first place, before I've cleared my cookies? And why would someone tell me to fix it by clearing the cookies? And why would it recur after I've cleared my cookies?

I may not know much about computers, but I'm not an idiot... there's something going on here that cookies have very little to do with.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
the 'My Forums' link
Posted: 10/27/2005 8:29:13 PM
The problem is back. I went months with no problems, and now it seems to happen every couple of weeks.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Cain & Abel- this question drove the nuns nuts
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:07:51 PM
Rayl... sorry man, most of your posts were very thought provoking. I think my statement was triggered by this:

Next is a beer thread, since I worked up a thirst writing this one and will need it while I await the bible thumpers response to the analogy statement.
Apparently I misjudged you. Believe it or not, I thought you would appreciate the logic of the rock question. : )
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Can an observer really influence an object?
Posted: 10/25/2005 5:30:51 AM

Telekenesis is a dumb idea.
I’m new to all of this, but it seems to me, Lemonade, that you’re using Newtonian physics to prove your point, when it might well be the laws of quantum physics that are operating in telekenesis. Hasn’t the scientific community openly admitted that, at the sub-atomic level, the laws of Newtonian physics don’t seem to apply? Having said that... all of you out there who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. : )
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Cain & Abel- this question drove the nuns nuts
Posted: 10/25/2005 4:59:03 AM
My question is: Who cares?

Most of the time when people ask the kind of question posed by this thread, they’re just trying to prove the bible, or God, is a hoax.

OT, if that’s your objective, why not just pull out the big guns and ask “If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big that even He can’t push it?”

The bible was written *by* believers, *for* believers. Much of it has to be taken on faith. So what? A close study of the theory of evolution reveals a lot of gaps in the logic (e.g. my cousin’s an orange) which means we pretty well have to take that on faith, too. Why do you suppose they’re still calling it a theory?

The bottom line is that we all believe what we want to believe, and even if someone were able to effectively disprove God or the bible, how would that benefit the human race? Belief in a superior being has never harmed people. It’s the twisted designs of man, using religion to accomplish his misguided goals, which have caused the grief... that, along with ignorance and a general lack of faith in himself and in his fellow man.

The foundation of the Christian belief system is love... how bad is that?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Sat. Dec. 3rd, Dinner & Drinks, London ON: All welcome
Posted: 10/24/2005 7:55:55 PM
Thanks for the invitation. I work in St. Thomas until 7:30, and I work again on Sunday... so I'll probably show up to see what's happening, but not for the meal...
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Star Appeal
Posted: 10/21/2005 8:57:50 AM

Of course none of this applies if the intended lover is Brad Pitt... even Mother Mary would have banged him! (I know, it's cliche to lust after him, but what a cliche he is! )
I lifted that quote from a thread on what makes women cheat. The author had basically said if a woman’s in a good relationship, she won’t cheat no matter how sexy or attractive another man is, unless...

It got me wondering... what is it with all this movie star worship? There are at least three woman where I work who are as hot as, say, Angelina Jolie or Terri Hatcher. And if I go out for a night, there are usually a minimum of five women on the dance floor who are amazingly sexy or beautiful! Why don’t you hear guys going ape over them, they way they talk about Jolie or Hatcher? What makes Brad Pitt so hot, compared to that incredibly handsome and sexy man at the office?

Is it because we think we know them somehow, having seen them playing their roles? Or are we hardwired somehow to lust after people we can't have?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Pain is our friend
Posted: 10/20/2005 8:42:02 PM
Once, when I broke up with a partner, I tried something that was unique at the time... ‘sitting in the pain’. The result was amazing! For a period of about six hours straight, I just focussed entirely on my grief, pain, and misery... rather than avoiding it or trying to ‘live with it’. I let it wash over me and fill me entirely. It hurt soooo intensely for soooo long, that I wondered if I would have a heart attack or something, and whether or not it might be easier to just kill myself... but I stuck with it.

I asked myself all the typical questions. Eventually, I got to the point where I got through all those, felt at peace about them, and was simply left with “Why does it have to hurt so much?” and then I realised that there was a logical reason for this.

The pain is there to protect us, and to help us grow... not (as we’re tempted to think) to prevent us from doing it again, but to help us understand how to approach things differently next time. When we accidentally put our hand on a burner that’s glowing red, the purpose of the immediate and intense pain is to get us to pull our hand away instantly, to avoid further damage. The purpose of the dull, throbbing ache that goes on for days or weeks afterward (and the extreme sensitivity that goes with it) is to indelibly etch on our psyche that we need to approach the next such incident differently. This gets us to broaden our scope. We learn about burners and how they work. We learn about the human body and how easily it can be damaged. We learn about the relationship between a hand and a glowing burner. When we process all this intelligently, we can someday use the same burner and the same hand to make delicious, aromatic, attractive food that nourishes us.

I’m just saying that, as weird as it sounds, pain is good... and that if we honestly recognise the truth of that, it helps.

What do you think?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 161 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 8:44:19 PM
I totally agree with everything you just said... and I thank you for so admirably underscoring the difference between strong and pushy women! (bows low, and raises eyebrows in frank approval)
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 159 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 8:25:54 PM

But, that's not my point. My point is that it should never have gotten to that point. The small things should not have been overlooked. Agreed?
Agreed (she bugged me to move in with her... a banking manager, who seemed so sweet)
I've just been spat on by some idiot who lost control. Why should I be ashamed?
Because you’re standing there with someone else’s spit dripping off your face? Not ashamed, but certainly acutely uncomfortable. I did say it was undignified, I think... not shameful.

Are you a politician by any chance? You still haven’t addressed the issue of whether or not it’s acceptable to do something to another person just because you can. Is this about ‘might makes right’? To the victor goes the spoils? Caveat emptor?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 157 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 8:03:21 PM

There is no limit. The moment you start to feel like there's an injustice, you should walk away. Any moment you stay after that initial feeling, is a weak moment.
Walk away on the moment, perhaps. You can’t just walk away on a relationship because someone steps over the line. Remember, we are probably talking about a lot of small things here, before things go careening out of control. And let’s say you’re living with the person.
No one says you need to defend yourself. That's you feeling the need to...
OK... so defend was a poor choice of words. Why should you even be put in that position? If you say the other person is crossing a line, then that should be the end of it...
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And, they will affect you only if you allow them to affect you.
Only partly true. You’ve neatly sidestepped the other side of the equation. I spit in your face. You tell me I went too far. Does that leave you with your dignity and a dry face? Did you *allow* me to spit in your face? Is it perfectly acceptable for me to have spit in your face, just because I was able to?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 154 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 7:42:36 PM

People don't maintain that façade. You allow them to continue maintaining it. An equally weak person won't know how to set that person straight.
Ah, now it’s getting interesting. Your statement appears sensible, but it’s simplistic. Picture a situation where someone is clearly telling another where the line is drawn, and the other steps over it anyway. Picture the ‘victim’ (how you paint the one who drew the line) as stating clearly that this is not acceptable... I could go on, but there are important questions to answer.
1) What is the limit one must go to in order to avoid being ‘weak’?
2) Why should people have to defend themselves so strongly, rather than being treated with honour?
3) Why should the person who crossed the line (and worse, stayed there) not be held accountable at all?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 151 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 7:11:47 PM

An oak tree is strong, it obvious at first glance. It moves gracefully within its limits to the caress of the breeze but if pushed a bit too far will almost always hold its own ground serenely with steadfast resolve.
Thanks for bringing me back to my roots in such a lovely way. My surname means “from the valley of the oaks” and my daughter and I have the same tattoo... the Anglo-Saxon rune for ‘oak’. I’m actually a very strong person, but continually find myself disarmed by such behaviour. I can’t quite believe it’s happening. It’s very difficult to recognise it as real, and especially that it’s happening to me... someone who would never treat another person that way.

@ prolibertate: Yeah... and remember we’re not just talking about one woman here. This is a 'type' that I attract.

I think it’s become very clear so far that a pushy woman is not at all a strong woman, though she maintains that façade. This is very useful information.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 142 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 7:19:19 AM

Do you believe that ALL strong women have tendencies to be pushy? Or is that only because you've seen 3 women who have been that way?
No, of course not. It’s just that this is the type I seem to attract. I would dearly love to make the acquaintance of strong women of the gentle variety.
examples of their pushiness might help
A perfect example would be that she sees potential in me and suggests I do ‘this’ (take a course, get into a certain line of work, join a specific organisation) and I never get the chance to actually mull it over, think it through, and decide on my own... she’s constantly reminding me of what I ‘should’ do, and bugging about why I haven’t started yet. Another would be that I am a very expressive person, very open and willing to discuss anything... even painful issues, yet in the midst of what is turning into an argument, she will hound me to continue expressing myself “You have to do this in the moment, while you’re in touch with your feelings about it.” I think there are times when careful consideration is in order, but I don’t get the chance. And yes, of course I’m very clear about my needs, and of course I won’t accept her take on it... but she just ignores me and follows through on what she ‘knows’ is the ‘right’ thing.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 140 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/19/2005 6:03:11 AM

I disagree with the way you defined a strong woman. A person who is pushy or manipulative does not possess strength...I see it as signs of insecurity.
To be clear, I see strong women as being independent, self-sufficient, knowing what they want, unwilling to settle for less, with clear boundaries firmly in place... and with tendencies to be pushy. The three successful career women I have partnered with, who were *downright* pushy, helped to create this impression.
I think the person answering you meant she doesn't want a guy who can be pushed around by a pushy woman - because she's NOT pushy ;)
Interesting. I think I tripped on the word *need*. For me, it gave the sense of “he doesn’t need to be pushed because he’s already behaving the way he should (the way I expect him to).”
I also believe that one's own level of confidence can play a part in whether they see someone else as being pushy or not.
Absolutely... and then there are certain behaviours that would be difficult to class as anything else. Telling someone “that’s not what you’re thinking” or “you’re being silly” for example, in an effort to intimidate them into your way of thinking. Your point is well taken, though. As someone else put it: "What I read is NOT a strong woman, but a control freak, really. It is a weakness, and deep seated insecurity. Another thing regarding the man...Why would he allow this? And agree to take part?" Of course, that's probably another thread... Weak Men and the Women Who Dominate Them. : )
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 121 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:08:38 PM
So it seems we’ve clearly delineated between *strong* and *pushy*, and it’s practically unanimous that a strong woman is desirable... if not very much so. Lets dig deeper.

Examine these comments:
She knows she's strong and wants to see the same out of you.
Why? How does it benefit her for the man to plug into her definition of what he ought to be?
one has to also be asking the right questions of their partner to find out what their partner really wants.
And what if you’re not comfortable with the answers? What if he decides he wants to be an artist, instead of climbing the corporate ladder?
I want a man that is just as strong and doesn't need to be "pushed" into anything!
Ah, see... we’re getting closer. He doesn’t *need* to be pushed?
I agree that strong women seem to be resented and that there's a double standard...one hears about women 'trying to act like a man' and they get called cold, hard, b*tches, etc.
Are we talking here about strong women here? Doesn’t it make more sense that we’re talking about pushy women?

How likely is it that many strong women don't realise they are also pushy?
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
a strong woman
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:41:34 AM
A strong woman intimidates a lot of men.

Women see being strong as being independent, self-sufficient, someone who knows what she wants and who’s unwilling to settle for less... someone with clear boundaries firmly in place.

Most men recognise those qualities, but also experience it as being controlling, unwilling (or unable) to admit she’s wrong or that there are other equally valid ways of looking at life... someone who maybe plays minds games, and plays them well.

Being a guy, I have to admit there are things about strong women I really admire, but I’ve noticed a disturbing tendency for strong women to be pushy... which tends also to destroy the intimacy in relationships. By pushy, I mean hammering away at something based on the assumption it’s the right thing to do, until you force it to happen.

So I want to know how an intelligent woman would see an advantage in pushing her partner into *anything*... whether it’s folding the laundry properly, or taking that new promotion he’s not comfortable with. Does it confirm that she’s right, and therefore superior in some way? Is there some sort of satisfaction in being able to work a man like a puppet? Is this behaviour really about being weak... attempting to compensate for feelings of inadequacy?

And yes, I know men can be pushy. I’m not that type, so I’m specifically interested here in what drives pushy women.
 stephanos primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
 
the 'My Forums' link
Posted: 10/17/2005 8:45:11 PM
This problem has returned, and has been going on for the last three days. I cleared my cache (temporary internet files) and cookies, to my inconvenience in online banking and various other sites I use regularly... to no avail.

Can you at least offer possible reasons for this? It makes it easier to put up with, when something makes sense.

Thanks.
 Stephanos Primus
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Should I trust her?
Posted: 10/12/2005 5:58:05 AM
Was she drunk in your estimation? If so, it’s distinctly possible she’s telling the truth... although that raises other questions. Being drunk doesn’t turn us into a murderer or an adulterer if that isn’t part of our nature to begin with... it just lets us give ourselves permission to do things when we would otherwise show self-control. Find out how she feels about her behaviour. Is it common? (i.e. Does she drink to that point often? Does she typically forget about you or other commitments when she drinks?) Watch how she responds when you ask her how she would feel if it had been *you* that forgot about *her* because you were busy grinding with some other girl and getting her number. If you’re convinced after a discussion like this that it was an isolated situation, I think you’re fine. Nobody’s perfect.

If you’ve reason to believe it could easily happen again, then she’s not ready for a serious relationship. This doesn’t take anything away from what she claims to feel about you... that’s probably all true, based on what you’ve told us. It just means you’ll have to adjust your thinking to include the fact that she’s going to get friendly with other guys, too.

Don’t jump to conclusions, either... her grinding with someone, and getting his phone number, does not mean she would sleep with the guy (or even call him). She might feel entirely differently the next day.
 
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