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 Author Thread: POWELL RIVER CAMPING JULY 24th and 25th 2009
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 56 (view)
 
POWELL RIVER CAMPING JULY 24th and 25th 2009
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:24:33 AM
Can I be a miracle! I live on the Island and I could meet Monalecia in Comox and then drive up to Powell lake. I have a van that seats 7, but since I have a two year old in a car seat, I think that I could reasonally carry 3-4 additional people comfortably.

Rainbow
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Breastfeeding Question
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:34:39 AM
I've known a courageous mother who was able to maintain her milk supply with only three ministry visits a week... and fed her baby breastmilk 100% of the time. She pumped and stored the milk and I do believe the LLL will be able to advise best to support that. Even if your baby is on the bottle, you can improve the situation by working to maintain a milk supply for the babe.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Breastfeeding Question
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:05:45 AM
Don't be discouraged. Break the latch, then try again and again and again. Practice until you can 'stuff" the nipple into a wide mouth and baby learns to open and take a deep latch into the mouth. Drop the bottles and extra commitments and you and baby will be back on track in no time. This is your full time round the clock job until baby is 6 weeks old but it is worth the effort in term of healthy baby and easier for mom. At six week--- much safer to give bottles of breastmilk! Check into the LLL group near you and they can help you through your separations from baby.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Non-Alcoholic drinks
Posted: 6/12/2009 11:05:16 PM
Hot Ginger and lemon tea is good for a day you have a sore throat or a cold coming on.

1) Grate 1 to 2 tsp ginger into a mug
2) Pour boiling hot water onto the ginger and steep 5 minutes
3) Add honey and lemon to taste
4) Strain out the ginger (optional)


Enjoy. Twice a day seems to make a cold a lot less worse for me.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 426 (view)
 
My beef about part time dads
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:35:52 PM
I started this debate and had not checked in for at least a year, i think. I am surprised too that a people with variety of opinions have taken notice.

Over time, instead of being angry that a man who is not even cognizant of the effort of full time parenting (with the every second weekend schedule,) I have developed some sympathy for part-time dads. They do have it tough and the court system certainly doesn't help. I wouldn't give up the close relationship with my son which developed naturally being his primary caregiver: putting him to sleep every single night as the debate raged on and upon awakening to give him breakfast and rushing home from work to be with him. Of course, a part time dad, whether by his choice or by courts or by the dysfunction of the particular situation, the child is robbed of another adult to have a close relationship. That is the true loss.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 1223 (view)
 
Why do so many people seem to hate cops?
Posted: 5/24/2009 12:21:23 AM
I am not sure why I react with panic to police since my worst crime was rolling through a stop light making a right turn and a few speeding tickets. I just don't get where all that anxiety wells up from when I see those lights stuck on top of the car? why I think "there might be a cop around the corner.... checking speed now"

The last police officer raised his voice to me... perhaps he was inexperienced or I wasn't reacting as he wanted. I have given up crying as a strategy for dealing with traffic tickets. I wanted to give him the answers he needed to keep my ticket to a minimum cost.

I am curious but hesitant about dating a police officer. I have never known a cop personally. I have had police be helpful to me on occasion but I still get a rise in heart rate. How did cops strike fear into my heart?
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Listeria - Meat Fatalities
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:12:59 AM
I agree that we should look into local Avitars for our meat and eating less meat in general. Does anyone know of a source of local meat?

I'd like to eat meat that is local. yes the risk is there that you can get a disease like listeria from a local producer and it is more difficult to recall the products even if there is a large enough number to identify a bad product... but it won't contaminate on a large scale if it is from a small farmer.

I think that the CIFA has limited the sale of uninspected meat from farmer and made it impossible for them to compete so, like someone else said... we will be left with no choice but for mass produced meat.

Just the idea of the eating meat turns my stomach nowadays and I only buy one piece a week.. this week ... a chicken! I better check if it is on the recall list.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Single parenthood choices
Posted: 8/31/2008 8:33:18 PM
Who would offer to a man the choice to give up his parental right? In the case of adoption, that would be neccessary, presumimg that the new parents will be able to fully care for the baby, however in the case of a single mother, that is not possibile. For a man to "give up his parental right" is equal to the child loosing her right to be supported by the means of both parents, emotionally and financially. The child has no voice; we must protects his rights over the father's rights.

The abortion issue also struck a chord too in that it is inherently unfair that a man has no choice in whether or not a woman gets an abortion. However, biology has ensured that we woman will bear a disapportionate number of the children in this world! Therefore it stands to reason that a woman should have a right to decide on how her body is used for prenancy or otherwise.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
My Ex girlfriend breaks up with me, But then we're still friends, How Do I Get Her Back?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:16:19 PM
You are 19 and at that age you shouldn't hold your breath. Exhale and replace her with a new girl. I think that your ability to maintain friends shows that you have a great deal of personal strength because you have not given up or given in to anger. As you enter your 20's it will become clearer what both of you want anyway.

Since you were looking for intimate encounter, chances are you haven't suddenly gone shopping for wedding rings, so date other girls, contact her less and enjoy future relationships with a variety of different people so that you have ample opportunity to figure out what you really want. For god's sake, don't try to mold yourself into something that you *think* she wants... your ego won't survive.

We all get our hearts broken and at 19 it hurts the most but it does get easier.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Best way to 'break up', even though it wasnt exclusive
Posted: 8/23/2008 7:09:42 PM

Why does the man have to [have "the relationship talk"]? Is the woman a mute or something? The archaic mentality expressed in that sentence is mind boggling to me.


I agree.. it is certainly both parties responsibility to protect themselves and the OP is in a bind now that his FWB, who may or may not be aware was a FWB, is getting dumped for a new girl. So to prevent that from happening again, clear communication is advised.

I agree that the girl could have protected herself too, having the relationship talk so that she can ditch him if he is not what she is looking for and get on with finding someone who does (or continue on and then not complain if the relationship ends.)

Good communication is never wasted. People don't change by the actions of other people so you might as well be upfront with everything.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Best way to 'break up', even though it wasnt exclusive
Posted: 8/22/2008 6:06:55 PM
I think multi-dating in early stages of the relationship is a good idea, actually for best results in finding a good partner.

Good communication is an absolute must and I think a decent guy will have "the relationship talk" before sleeping with the woman to get the terms straight. If it will be friends with benefits or exclusive relationship then expectations are set up before you go any further. If you want FWB and she doesn't, then she has a fair chance to opt out. When you see other people, she shouldn't freak out.

Orgasm seems to have a bonding effect and therefore that could be where you draw the line when you choose a mate. From an evolutionary perspective a woman is looking for LTR to ensure the success of procreation so it makes evolutionary sense that a woman be miffed if she engaged in an activity that may result in pregnancy and you dump her for another woman.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Best way to 'break up', even though it wasnt exclusive
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:45:36 AM
Unbeleivable! I can not support such an action. You were sleeping with her without the "exclusive or Friends with benefits" conversation; she will on no uncertain terms consider that it was exclusive because you were regularly sleeping together and therefore, you cheated on her. Sorry.. but that puts you into the sleazebag category!

Calling her and telling her that you are a sleazebag and you cheated on her would be the best.. IM or telephone would be just as effective. I liked the suggestion that you offer for her to call you later so that she can come to the perspective that what you did was a jerky thing to do and that not all men are like you.

Next time, save some greif and before you sleep with this next lady tell her that you are only interested in Friends with Benefit with potential to become long term. That is the honest thing to do.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Why do people want to commit after one date?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:57:18 AM
Lots of people made good remarks.. the most obvious is that these men are vying for control which of course is the red flag that demands attention. Don't waste your time with these guys.

The real question of this thread is multi-dating vs serial dating because the OP is obviously multi-dater and her pursuers states a preference for serial dating.

I am pro-multidating (but not multiple sexual partners.) I used to serial date but it was not a good use of my time and far less effective. I think the serial dating is an excuse to have sex as soon as possible with another person. I think that building up some self control is better than being less selective in a sexual partner. How can you know it is the right person after one date... impossible!

I find attraction to be very temporal. The first meet and greet could be a total wash but as you get to know the person you warm up to things about them and attraction grows, or it can get to the point of obsession after an amazing interaction but then it fizzles out as dating progresses. As said already, true relationships take time. Forcing the point of exclusivity is extremely disrespectful. It ceases to amaze me when a man demands exclusivity soon. What if the relationship doesn't work out? Multi-dating might seem like drama but I argue that it keeps the drama low because then you have less emotionaly attachment to loosen if it becomes apparent that the person is undatable for whatever reason.

If a relationship potential exists then multi-dating can help you build that relationship. For a low level attraction in a first meeting, it seems easy to continue to meet people but it will promote the relationship by providing comparison dates. It is the second case where I think that seeing other people is especially important to keep perspective and distract yourself from idealizing them. Multi-dating is the moderator of attachment early in a relationship.

So by multi-dating rather than serial dating you do a few things:
a) Save a stupendious amount of time,
b) broadening your social experience and therefore more efficient
c) develops truer relationships and therefore more effective
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 11:11:26 PM
Everyone should establish a set of dating rules for themselves because they form your boundries. My rules are established for my protection without intention of manipulation nor driven by fear of being manipulated by a man. I have followed these rules most of the time (not always but mostly) and I have never had any trouble with my safety.

SAFE DATING RULES:
1) Until you have enough information about someone to lay charges, you should be looking out for your safety. The first dates are public and short and I don't even call the first one a date. It is a meeting to put a face to a real name. And ask revealing questions and ask them again on a future date to see if he says the same thing. When someone lies it is easy to forget the lie and tell you a new one. Honest people repeat the truth. Google their name and workplace. See that it all adds up. This is slightly more discreet then asking for references!

2) only give a minimum of personal information like a telephone number you don't mind changing and your junk email. Do not reveal the location of your home. Go to his place first but only when you know enough to lay charges as in the above.

3) Only drink what you order and is delivered to you directly. Don't drink anything if you left the table. (I knew someone who found herself naked in a ravine after a 10 am coffee from a stranger. She can't remember what he/they did to her but she was beat up. You can not be too careful.)

4) You tell someone when you expect to be back, especially if it is an evening date and let your date know that you are expected back at a certain time... carry a cell phone and let it ring on first dates (woman only... the men can turn it off unless he is worried about date rape?) I don't care if it is rude but I think it makes it safer that your date knows that people are looking out for you.

5) Provide your own transportation even if it is a bus or taxi. How do you know he won't get totally loaded and drive you to your death drunk?

A good man will be impressed with your safety plan. Any man who gives you greif or embarrasses you or says, "don't you trust me?" is telling you that your safety plan is working and that you need to get away from him.

With this kind of safety plan you can then use judgement to establish if a man might treat you badly, i.e. push me to have sex when I am not ready to move the relationship forward. It that occurs you can end the relationship or communicate the issue at the very least. If a man does push for sex you are safest in a public space, so if you don't want to place yourself at risk then keep it public! But gosh... if you want to have sex and you trust him, then what the hey... get together at your place and rock on!

Be true to yourself. Trust yourself. If you feel that you need to keep it public to slow yourself down then that is cool but developing self control is always a good thing in life. I hate to see woman crying the blues that they slept with someone and that someone disappeared because he had sex before he knew if she was the "one."

I don't think I need some kind of litmus test to see if a man is a keeper. What about the "not accepting a Friday date after Wednesday...". Remember that rule? so that a man had to plan to be with you and chase you. I'm not into that.

The fact that a date is spontaneous has very little to do with the potential for harm if you take care of yourself. I personally don't care if it is planned or spontaneous. Spontaneous meetings seem to increase the probability that something more important won't come up before the actual meeting but a planned meeting may be neccessary when life is busy.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Creative oatmeal dishes? Unusual but tasty combinations?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:14:07 PM
I bought some steel cut oatmeal and I am going to try it in a slow cooker overnight to be ready for a tasty and healthy breakfast tomorrow morning.

I love this thread... Ok I love oatmeal... Really I just love food. Anyway.. happy eating!
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Creative oatmeal dishes? Unusual but tasty combinations?
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:51:01 PM
Never heard of steel-cut oameal... I use large flake...I might go have some right now! It takes 15 minutes to cook and a pot to clean. Price and availability is also a factor... I hate shopping so it's got to be easy to find.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Creative oatmeal dishes? Unusual but tasty combinations?
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:29:42 AM
Oatmeal eaten once a day reduces cholesterol and risk of colon cancer as a good source of soluble fibre... The larger the flake the better. The 'Instant' oatmeal doesn't keep the blood sugar under control like the less processed vareity. It also makes for nice poo.

I often eat my oatmeal raw with some nuts, ground flax, sesame seeds, almonds, dried fruit, and yougurt or milk. My breastfeeding counsellor lets hers soak in water over night and then nukes it in the morning.... my luck, I'd find it growing something but it wouldn't be weavels. I just eat it raw.

Although I have been known to mix up the musli ahead of time and put it into a sealed jar but don't add the flax till the day you eat it. Ground flax can go rancid quickly and for certain in your cupboard so it is best left in the freezer.

Granola, purchased as is, or homemade is very high in fat and sugar... and as you experiment with toasting oatmeal into granola, you will notice that you do have to add a fair amount of the these less healthful ingredients to give a comparable flavour to the store bought variety. When I use granola, I stretch it with raw oatmeal or sprinkle it on top of a cold cereal or yougurt and fruit... delicious and healthy!

But hey... I admit when Old Mother's Hubbord's cupboard is Bare, there is nothing like a warm bowl of oatmeal with a little bit of brown sugar on top to fill you up... totally been there!
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 292 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:41:17 PM
Chatty-smiles,
I agree with you but there are some determined trolls on this thread so I am warning you that you might be slammed. I am sure there are others reading this who feel the same but can't speak up due to fear of retaliation.

The POF users who are not going to have the benefit of reading any of this is the uninvolved father, who is so absorbed into himself that he wouldn't bother reading this forum, and might even put "no kids" on his profile. I can guarentee that we won't get his opinion on the subject.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 246 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:53:51 PM
Thank-you Cindy.. nice contribution. I feel that you wrote from the needs of a child and what is right for the family. When a woman does as it is expected of her she gives up a lot of herself to her family sacrificing her own needs and career. Even if on the surface, it looks like alls fair, but underneath, if you want to optimise child development, then someones career will suffer. Human involvement is critical in child development, starting with breast feeding (4 years is great!) and who makes the most invested human for the job.. yes a parent, not a day care worker.

The thing of it that really got to me was that I was completely unaware of how undervalued mothering (or highly involved fathering) until I had children in my charge. The father was also completrely unaware as well of the efforts of mothering. I am extremely greatful that my ex-partner has taken full custody of his children from a previous marriage and he reports to me for the first time that parenting is hard work.

Single parenting is hard...I tried washing my car today... total disaster with baby having a breakdown, me wishing that someone would hold the baby. It takes a village to raise a child AND have a clean car.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Nutrition
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:09:58 PM
You still need to use you muscles or the only thing you will do is gain weight with the extra calories.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Nutrition
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:37:37 AM
If you are not weight training, wieght gain from nutrition will generally be fat and water (attached to glycogen stores.) So any extra protein powder in your shake will be used as energy and if this is in addition to your energy needs, you will gain in the fatty tissues.

Think of muscles as your protein storage that have a second purpose. To put protien into storage as muscle is not as effecient at putting it in as fat. The second purpose of muscle is to do work for your body. Your bodies overall agenda is to conserve energy. You will only build as much muscle as the body needs.

Why I say muscle is storage, in case anyone is wondering.. is that if you are protein or enegry deficient, your muscles will waste away even if you are using your muscles. In practical terms, this is if you are on a reducing diet, uncareful vegan, or experianee medical trauma you risk loosing muscle. A typical diet is protein abundant so only the elite athlete would ever need protein supplementation.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 40 (view)
 
healthy artificial sweetner
Posted: 4/7/2008 11:36:49 PM
They cause obesity. Why is that large people buy supersize meals and top it off with a diet coke, while non-obese people more often drink normal soda.
We cant say it causes obesity over time, but it makes you wonder
Just the thought and smell of food initiates hormonal and physiological responses getting ready for us to consume food (remember the dog and the bell?)
so artificial sweeteners still ring this bell.. but it tricks our body
the brain is getting ready for food even before the first bite, preparing the body for food, regulating energy balance and weight, simply by thinking about food
sweetners, even stevia, the body gets confused, expecting calories.
journal of behaviour neuroscience:
Using articial sweetner induce physiological and hormonal responses that make you gain weight. a research article with rats fed with yogurt with sugar and other with artifical sweetner (saccrin). the second group ate 40% more food in a span of 2 week, and gained weight over time (stimulated their apetite), their body temperature decrease as well, so this means their metabolism slowed down. all calories are not created equal. the first group didnt gain weight or body fat.
people will consume less calories using artifical sweetners..this is not true, they are not diet options (this assumption has proven many times not to be true)
There is a direct correlation to increase in obesity with the mass introduction to sweetners. the increase of overweight people has increase from 30% to over 65%


I agree.. And I am a Registered Dietitian, a nutrition professional who studies from a medical perspective (as you may also receive nutrition advice from Naturalpathic Dr, Medical Doctors, Nutritionists, and the girl who is paid minimum wage at the vitamin store and people who google Stevia on the internet)

For better health, I advise that we reduce the amount of all sweeteners in the diet; natural, processed, or articfical. Those with diabetes or other medical conditions should follow the medical and nutritional advice given to them by medical professionals carefully. We can learn to enjoy less sweet foods.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
sciatic nerve
Posted: 4/7/2008 11:09:50 PM
I was surprised that shiatsu massage was more effective that the typical muscle massage as they focus where the nerves are located. I am not into alternative techniques being from a medical profession myself, but this was great for immediate releif. I rode my bike into an unexpected door of a car and this seems to be one of the lasting problems which occasionally flairs up.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 176 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:51:37 AM

Butter cup, I find your attitude is what is hurting women's causes everywhere. The "woe is me, I'm a hard done by single mom." .... Such as the $0.70 to $1 myth here in a country where there is a clause in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, written in 1982, which gives women THE SAME earning power as their male counterparts for the same work. And the right to equal jobs despite being a mom!.....

For women without children this is a big women's issue.


Having children changed everything for me. I would have not dared to take time off for being sick, but if my baby is sick, I stay home. I'm ok with the fact that I won't make 6 figures because the child keeps me at home sometimes. But in essense that is why woman make less money, even though the Charter of Human Rights says differently. I've never been a feminist but I enjoyed the freedoms that have been given to me, until I had a baby.

It all changed then. I couldn't get a full time job when I was obviously pregnant; I couldn't stay in the house when we separated (The Charter didn't even come up during the eviction but it will during the Hearing). When I needed more work, I competed for a job with a childless woman who graduated at the same time as me and she got it because she didn't have child rearing gaps in her resume. Now the requirements are greater for the same position (need a masters) and I don't have one and didn't get equilivent experience when I could, so now I need more schooling.

Sure... equal pay for equal per hour work, parents get paid significantly less for MANY reasons. Forcing parents to sacrifice their relationships with children in the desire to be EQUAL isn't not worth six-figure salaries anyway. I am not saying that this is unfair. I am saying that it is difficult... that is all.

Here's to MEN's equality!

WOW I totally agree. We need to start a MEN's Equality Movement.

The first step to Men's equality is to stop oppressing little boys. Allow little boys to learn how to express themselves in more ways than just anger. Support Men to develop empathy to encourage contribute to society in the same ways woman do. Do not force boys and men to go to war and do dangerous occupations. (perhaps wage equalation between easy (feminine) and hard (masculine) is an idea here) Eliminate homophobia and bashing of "sensitive" men i.e. "he is so gay". Encourage men to stop modelling aggresive behavior on Forums. Respect men in the same ways we respect woman for nurturing children and not put down because it is not manly to push a baby carriage. The fact that more men are active fathers is actually the next step to equality. The reality is that feminist movement has moved as far as it can for now and now we need to support change in men.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 169 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:39:31 AM

Single mothers and actual full-time fathers, please share your realities of full-time parenting to offer support and give part-time dads some clarity about what the full responsibility is really like.


I am interested in some new opinions.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 167 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:57:27 AM
Baby likes to play tower building and take down. I build, he bashes. He plays peek-a-boo. He and I do make babbling noises by patting our mouths. He shakes his head, I shake my head, he smiles and shakes his head again. I hate to burst your bubble, but let me repeat that infant development is the main component of my job and my baby is the biggest benefactor in my life, my work and business. The daycare I am opening in September will be Waldorf inspired with an emphasis on imaginative play and not adult directed play as you describe.

But the majority of the posters currently posting are slams against me because I am the OP. Please proof read your post to remove the insults because they are not helpful. Thank-you. If you are done, please leave.

I continue to invite others opinion to my original post. I am interested in hearing your genuine opinions.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 163 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:05:39 AM
My 11 month old baby can tell you, in his humble opinion, that I do not spend enough time with him. At his deleicate age he needs all the time in the world. As he gets older he will seek and obtain independance from me and won't ever feel smothered because I am eager to read my baby's cues. If he wants to be put down, I put him down. If he wants to be picked up, I pick him up. Not difficult but.. yes time consuming.


It couldn't possibly be that 99% of the people in this thread disagree with you, men and women alike, saying everything should be equal... I really have nothing more to say about this asinine statement you made except to make fun of it, and since I am the oppressor
To state that 99% people dissagree is assuming that I have brought up only one point for which people can agree or disagree. Perhaps you could say that 99% people don't agree fully to my position. Or you could say that 99% people have viewpoints unique to mine. I am ok with that. No need to belittle and harass. It's not nice. It makes it difficult for people to hear what you have to say when you are not nice. Perhaps you disagree with 99% of what I have to say. That is ok, you can have your opinion and you can even try to sway those 99% of people who have unique opinions to share one of your opinions. If you stop being mean, then that is a total possibility... just a suggestion.

Lets test your assumption of 99% people opinion with a quick poll... We need 100 people to answer the following question:

Do you agree with the statement that Men and Woman should be treated equally?
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 156 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:26:48 AM
you got evicted from your home for "being a single mother?" I just find that sooooo hard to believe. Are you sure it wasn't because you didn't pay your rent or mortgage?! And maybe the reason you didn't pay your rent or mortgage, was because you only worked 10 hours/week when you could have worked 40? I seriously doubt it...I'm thinking you didn't pay your rent/mortgage because your ex doesn't pay enough (maybe even any) child support...right?


I paid the rent and I continue to pay the rent.

I am suing the landlady too. I make good coin the hours I work and I thank-fully have a partner who pays the support. He makes better coin. I am also eligible for a good rental subsidy. One of my arguements at the hearing will be that I had another woman willing to pay half and with a rental subsidy, the rent I paid would be 10% of my total income. Although I live in poverty, I can afford my rent.


On top of that...I am not seeing the discrimination!!!

Like you, she assumed that I could not pay the rent because I am a single mother. Committing harmful actions based on assumptions like you just did... that is discrimination.





BTW
Don't worry, that person that evicted you wasn't a woman....it was just a guy that heard about you and your women's group (you know, the one you started this thread with) and disguised himself as a woman and landlord in order to trap you. Damn, you fell for that, as well.
It better if you don't use sarcasm with the written word. It is not appropriate.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 154 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:14:24 AM
BTW. I am glad that some of the posters understand the important of attachments between parent and child. The Part-time vs full time debate has seem to capture daycare as a topic.

The main argument of some is the assumption that daycare is an equal subsititute to a competent parent. I would dissagree with that premise. I am sure there are examples of parents who are not competent and irregardless of being in daycare or not, the child suffers. That said, with two fuly involved parents, it would be possible to raise a child with minimum daycare and that is best for baby. In my case, I am sure that if dad was actively involved, I would most likely only have baby in care one day a week and that care would be a nanny, not daycare. He is in care three+ days a week now.

I beleive to be true, the fact that attachment is more sensitively felt by the mother as declared by the popular author Dr. Sears; it is often the mothers career placed in jeapordy to meet that childs needs. An argument I hear is that some feel that a parent who works less than the other partner is lazy, as if being with a child is ALWAYS effortless and joyful.

Since I do use daycare I have many opportunities to have moments with my child, where we play because I have met our other needs while he was in care (which could happen in the care of a fully involved dad.) It requires careful balance.

Otherwise, it is a lot of work.. as one mother I talked to yesterday says... we are a generation who will find time play with our children, where previous generation would not because they are "just children" to be left to play while adult business is attended. I think that this is a great thing but single parents may not have to opportunitity to enjoy the children.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 150 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:46:09 PM
I know it really bothers people that a single mother might benefit from a support group. I think it has been tremendous in helping me adjust into the lifestyle and live positively, assertively and from a place of power.

The comment I heard at group today that meant the most to me was that men are in a difficult place. It is difficult to understand the way they are oppressed, that they must bear the burden, be the iron worker, be the man, but yet they still are the oppressor of woman. They still get the promotions over a child-bearing mother. They write nasty things to single mothers on forums and encourage others to continue to abuse woman.

When you point out woman who have the same opinions as men, it doesn't surprise me. We all live in the same society and breath in the same culture pressures. It took getting evicted from my home for being a single mother to really understand that Men and Woman are not treated equitably. This act of discrimination was performed by a woman. Gender of the observer must be separated from the gender issue and any arguments otherwise are ignorant as you say and I agree.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 129 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:21:37 AM
SPecialheartedlady,
I see that balance is lost on this thread because of the bullying and anger. My single mom's group has a special topic on male oppression with is a very sympathetic stance to explain much of the hostility here and taking things out of context. Oppressed men are the undervalued fraction of society, we send them to war and dangerous jobs, because they are in essence, expendable. Woman and children first. Thus our culture works on our boys to toughen them up so they can be "manly"

Result: They are on forums bashing and thrashing because society tells them so. Being aware of the male's oppression can help you avoid abusive men, I beleive.
I am not surprised that this trolling has caused the woman to leave. It is a shame because they have valid opinions.

I am reading "Real Boys" by William Pollack. It is excellent and helps woman rescue our sons from male oppression.

Good on you, specialhearted for standing up to not suffer at the ends of male oppression.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 112 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/3/2008 10:55:06 PM
I hear your anger toward the system. No need to name-call.

My baby is why I live on less because his sweetness, our connection and I just love him so much. No amount of guilt inducing will change that I happily accept the financial support and work less hours. (BTW... Dad agrees that it actually costs him less to divide up the family because he rents an apartment instread of the house now.) I also work as I much as I can, bring baby to work when I can, and use my baby as a guide as to if I am working to much.

Today I declined work for two reasons.
1) Baby needed a break. We worked 3 days in a row.
2) His dad was available to see him today for a short visit.

I've been bashed on this subject but it highlights the thinking of part-timer parents. I have been able to implement my new insights to improve my relationship with his dad. Thank-you.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 99 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/3/2008 1:55:28 PM

The child's support is supposed to be based on both parents combined income (at least here in the U.S. - Canada may be different). So if either parent purposefully seeks to be under employed, then their support obligation should based on what they can be making, not what they are making. Why does a mother have to take a full year off from work after a child is born. Medically she is capable of returning to work within 6 weeks (usually). Why can't she return to her normal 9-5 job and have the kid stay with a sitter or at a day care.


I guess it is different in Canada. It doesn't matter how little or how much I make, he pays dependant on his income.

And the comment regarding the 6 week maternity leave. In Canada the law entitles a year of paid paternity leave, 35 weeks by the mother and the remainder by either parent.


Why can't she return to her normal 9-5 job and have the kid stay with a sitter or at a day care.
because I love my baby and he loves me. Having an attachment figure is critical to the healthy development of children and anything else is the subject matter of sociopathology. That is why he is raised by his mother and not the four walls of a daycare. Any other questions?

Gosh did I ever set you guys on fire... bring it on!
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 88 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/3/2008 9:59:51 AM
Jim,

My group will be extremely pleased that fathers like you exist. You are right, when participating fully, being a single dad should be as hard as being a single mother. Because you are taking equal responsibility, it is equally challenging.

When all the parenting is done by one, and financial burden is placed on the other, both parents suffer in the extreme of each role taken. However, the cp is a parent who is the vulnerable and powerless one in that dynamic. The one with financial control has the power to make both parents miserable and that is part of the beef I have with single dads.

And to moms who withhold access, I personally get the best response from my kids dad when I offer lots of opportunities for him to parent even if he is unable too.

Thanks for giving us hope that not all single dads suffer from the deadbeat gene.
I bestow the title "single dad" to you! Perhaps my beef was with nearly absent manipulative dads calling themselves single dads and then complaining about it.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 85 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/3/2008 8:21:26 AM

In my situation, I paid 40% of my wages for support, after taxes. So my social status declined.


You pay that because you avoided paying child support, you are in arrears and now your wages are being garnished. Otherwise you would not have to pay 40%. You won't get sympathy from any single mother that you forced your children to live without for so long.


While I am working 70+ hours a week to afford a home, food, clothing, ect, ect... Ya know, the same thing you have to provide for the children... She is working 20 hours a week,

The way I see it, leaves you very little time to quality parent.

I can only speculate, but keeping your children in poverty was incredibly stressful on mom and the kids so they act out and she needed a vacation and the clubing. So you pick up the kids and spoil them and come back to us looking for some kind of pat on the back. Your actions are a sign that you exert financial control to make your wife suffer and you abusing those kids with your mind games.

You are the single dad that makes us single moms mad. While she had custody, did you spend every visit purposely teaching your kids to resent mom. You might feel pretty good for being "Hero DAD" but in time they will realize that it was you that put them into poverty in the first place and they will hate you for it.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 80 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/3/2008 12:09:32 AM
Well researched! If I needed a family laywer... I agree that most expenses relating to child custody are fixed. As I see it, often, the dad spends fun money and mom spends invisible money in the eyes of the child.

I felt that West Park 2's statements regarding parents of similiar income earning potential tend to marry. Perhaps true, even though literature suggests that woman only make 70cents to the dollar a man makes and tends to work in the lower status jobs compared to men. This will show up in relationships.. lawyer/paralegal, doctor/MOA, Salesman/retail clerk, etc.

However, upon a divorce, woman's social status always declines and many end up in poverty. The man will not suffer from the same decline in income, and may fair better with fewer people to support on his income, even with the transfer. (My ex told me that he can't afford to give me all of the child support today, but I am sure that I can not afford to go without it... How can he say that he can't afford $200 with his 100+ income, while we subsist below 15K. Will he claim undue hardship now?


also take issue with your kindness in respect to the mother not working. The law is already very well established in respect to deliberately under-employing one self to avoid cs obligations. if the father chooses to not work or deliberately under employ himself to avoid paying then the courts simply establish past earning history and based on work history and education determine a cs amount and that is the judgement. A mother or primary custodial parent who decides to not work or one having a child in a second relationship should have this same standard applied to her. You impute the income based on her work history and education and impute an income to determine cs obligations and find the legal application of the new rules under offsetting incomes.


I might not understand your point in this paragraph, as I have a hard time establishing that a mother could be painted with the same brush to be under-employed on purpose like a man may for the purposes of evading/gaining child support. It doesn't matter how much I work, my child is still legally entitled to child support based on his father's income. In my case I work part-time to increase family income. Even though I am legally entitled to a maternity leave, taking it would result living deeper in poverty.

A common comment is that a mother should be able to make a proper living while the kids are in school for six hours a day. Children are not in school until they are 6 years old. After a woman has dropped out of her career for one year or more, it is difficult to get a job at a high income, and certainly not comparable to a man who maintains his career uninterupted, especially if she is solely responsible if her kid gets sick and she has to leave on a moments notice. If I had not stayed home to care for children (his and then mine), my income would be four times greater than it is now. Child support is the equalizer to give children a better life.

This is drifting into the child support debate.

I want child support paying dads to understand that child support payments is money well spent! I challenge dads who try to nickle and dime away the child support to consider that the child support only covers a share of the "expense" of the child (like the roof, clothing and food) and doesn't "pay" anyone to parent. We do that out of love.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 75 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:18:37 PM

Parent (noun): those to whom offspring are born....mother/father.

Parent (verb): to act as or be a parent to someone....love, teach, safeguard, discipline, feed and provide care for....

Full-time Parent (noun): one who parents (v.) exclusively without any participation in parenting from another.

Part-time Parent (noun): one who shares parenting (in any combination of participation) with the other parent.

Single Parent: one with offspring, but without a spouse.


Nice summary... that puts me into single, full-time parent box, exhausting but vastly rewarding!

I appreciate the efforts of all part-time dads. However, I often feel under appreciated for doing it alone.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 55 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 4/1/2008 11:31:18 PM

50% custody would solve all this bull. No more child support, everyone carries their own weight and feels better about mastering their own lives.


Scenario: Man keeps his 9 to 5 job. Woman takes a lower paid job with fewer hours on the evening and weekends to make the 50% custody arrangement work. So he makes $50 000 and she makes $25 000. The man and woman have 50% custody and no money is exchanged. So Dad takes kids to theme parks and movies and eat take-out but with mom they eat weiners and beans and no school field trips. This so called "equal" arrangement can't work and is selfish on the high income earners part.

I say the Joyce arrangement fairly and evenly distributes the "quality time" by giving one parent every second weekend and one evening a week with support payment made to the primary custodial parent. S/he who does "the dirty work" of child rearing is the single parent who hopefully has the support of a part-time parent or daycare or family to avoid burn out.

However this schedule of some dads, every second weekend, may make a relationship work for the kids but is not the same as the harder work of day-to-day parenting... ( I can only assume, as my baby's dad is absent.. comments anyone?) Imagine getting two weeks off every time you worked two days at a income producing job... that would be part-time! How could that parent feel the pinch of single parenting with a bi-monthly visit?
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Advised only to go to Emergency for Emergencies
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:35:36 PM
It's a tough call, whether or not to go to the ER. I am glad that there is some support for taking young children to the ER because I always wonder if I am doing the right thing. The nurse line is very cautious and twice I was told to make an 911 call and both times the doctor (same doctor, as it happens) sent me home with a head shake and affirmation that he was ok.

The first time he said, " look how engaging he is?" which I took as a compliment for my baby but as a learning experience to wait for that listlist look. The at home listlest look becomes vibrant and attentive around ER strangers... how is a parent to know?
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Listed as Professional
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:40:37 PM
It means nothing on a dating forum... The definition is going to suit the person using the word. Who wants an unprofessional prospect... as in "here I am .. I am an unprofessional ass!" any more than, " I live in my mothers house" or " I am on welfare because it suits me"... and whatever else that we won't respond to on a profile.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:21:06 PM
First of all, my single mom's group is my life line and we do spend a good deal of time trying to decode men and what they are up against. Does this frustrate us more, if considered man bashing? I have found that with understanding, comes compassion. Therefore I agree with:

I've seen sooo much crap in how men behave. Much of it is cultural. Most of the men don't have a clue what it takes to be a spouse...


Many of you did cite the legal system being mother biased, although I would argue that it is only for the protection of a marginalized gender, the woman. The legal system is severely flawed and I have been on both sides, first helping my ex get custody of his children (by the way ... very difficult) and now, regarding the best interest of my child. I think the best thing for all parents is to rise above the ego trip and control issue... Ya... it sucks to be single, it sucks not to see baby as you expected but let's figure out something that is workable.

Of all the posts from part-time dads, I felt a lot of compassion for dad who cares for the ten month old in the evening, till morning and then mom takes over because she is also working. That seems extremely reasonable and good that baby would have two attachment figures. Part-of me said.. my goodness, could my 11 month old baby be away from me that long? Then I relate that the reality is that I can't be there for him 24/7 so he is in daycare during the day being cared for by 4 different adults who care for him only on a superficial level. If dad had the capacity to safely take care of my baby, then I might not be sitting in my pyjamas typing my life story into this computer and maybe take a salsa lesson!

His father? Baby recognizes him on the same level as any other aquantiance that he greets on a monthly basis. Amused, he pokes at his beard like it is the strangest thing he has ever seen, everytime he sees him.

Could he be more involved? Not really... he is a struggling single dad afterall. He doesn't know how to create a space for himself to improve his parenting skills for his third kick at the bucket and can't fix the mistakes he made with the first two. I gave up trying (or otherwise I wouldn't be here!)
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 3/29/2008 10:46:09 PM
I think it would be super cool if a man was willing to join a support group. If so, I'd love to meet that rare gem because I have a lot of respect for a man willing to interspect and consider himself for improvement in the areas of relationships. That said, there is not much of a market for mens' support group or even parenting groups for men. And if a man came into our support group, woman would not feel safe sharing gender issues (or issues about the dad) if any man were present.

You are not alone with having a dad who is available with cash (my son's dad does pay) but without presence. I also agree that part-time dads must feel awful about not having full-time parenting effort. But there are a few dads who are involved to make sure the mom shares in his pain of the separation and the kids suffer for it.


When I was in a coma, he had to be told to take off of work and take care of his own kids.

In your emergency that you mention, it is amazing how mothering and fathering come with different expectations. He didn't get charged with abandonment for not taking care of the kids in your emergency, but the situation reversed, a woman would.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
My beef about PART TIME dads who identify as SINGLE dads
Posted: 3/29/2008 8:32:01 PM
I was at my single mom's group today and we all had a beef about single dad's who lament on the challenges of single parenting, when in reality some only contribute some cash and/or have the kids some of the time.

Let's raise awareness that single parenting, even if they have a fully participating part-time parent in the picture do not have it easy and it can not be compared in the slightest to the challenges of being a part-time dad. Single mom's have the hardest time due to challenges unique to being a mother in this society.

Single mothers and actual full-time fathers, please share your realities of full-time parenting to offer support and give part-time dads some clarity about what the full responsibility is really like.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
how does my profile come accross
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:40:20 PM
You have got me thinking about a good pratical joke.. and the only thought that I could think of.. why use a candy bar... I could supply real poo.. but that's just gross.

Forget it... While you are dreaming of windmills, I will work on the unbeatable April Fools Day Joke.

I do remember last years joke in the North Shore News.. It was excellent... They placed a full page article on the "New Green Way" to turn the north shore sea wall and beaches into a new highway to reduce idling on the Upper Highway... it was hilarious!

Perhaps you can critique my profile now.

Rainbow
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 266 (view)
 
Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:53:20 PM
I could not read 11 pages so I hope to add something new. Perhaps someone has spoken of the child's perspective. If you live with a child for two years, that could be a large percentage of his living memory. That child will have learned to depend on you and become used to the lifestyle you were able to provide for that child. That child's rights are what you should be thinking about. If protecting your rights over the child is what matters, then perhaps you are not really a good candidate for an adoptive dad anyway. But if you see that those kids as a personal investment and they love you, then supporting them, regardless of the condition of the relationship, should be a natural desire.

But then I am a woman and I am expected to support my children regardless of there dad's involvement. I had step children for over a year and if their dad had wanted it that way, I would have continued caring for them and supporting them the same way after the relationship ended. I even offered to take them after school until we got something else arranged. But that didn't happen and I am sure those kids have suffered a great loss of having lost a second mother.

I am disgusted by those who told this dad to hit the street running and this dad's who fears supporting children after the relationship ended as if the relationship between the kid's and dad is also over. It really hurts those poor kids. How can you be so heartless?
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
What to do about crazy talk/harrassment in the workplace? suggesstions?
Posted: 1/31/2008 8:58:24 PM
You don't need a lawyer yet. Look up BC Human Rights Coalitian and go to the clinic on Mondays. They will help you write up an application to the BC Human Rights Tribunal and that will get you started. Keep all records of the troubles at work and take the appropriate avenues to make changes within your HR department and union. Keep everything written and keep copies of the letters and faxes. That will get you started.

And finally, don't get overwhelmed. Take care of yourself.. eat well, exercise, sleep(most important) and relax to help you stay focused. This might cost you a job but you deserve better!
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
MOSQUITO CREEK 2008 NORTH VANCOUVER JAN 19TH 7 PM
Posted: 12/29/2007 2:37:35 PM
McDrummy,

I will come with you. I can't send you an email through the system. please email me at rachel_mcbryan@hotmail.com and we can go together. I will be going alone too.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 75 (view)
 
I do NOT want to be your friend!
Posted: 12/17/2007 9:44:55 PM
If you don't want to be my friend it is your loss. I am only interested in friendship because my next long-term relationship is going to be with a friend... And that is the way it's going to be. Sorry about that.
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is monogamy natural??
Posted: 12/17/2007 6:05:33 PM
yes.. monogamy is natural, I believe. However I think Serial Monogamy is a better discriptor of the natural behaviour of humans.

Yes... the male mammal generally operates to pass along his genes as widely as possible and the female mammal, due to the resource it takes to birth and raise a child, needs the man around until the job is done. Serial Monogamy seems to be a natural comprimise. And I agree with the original lifespan of humans could dictate a monogamous relationship, where the woman who is bearing the children would have a baby every three years so there would always be offspring requiring care for that entire time.

So what did we do? We gave woman birth control, so they could space or prevent pregnancy, which I believe is certainly needed when humans have overrun the natural world and resource is scarce.

We gave woman some equality and rights so that she doesn't have to put up with an abusive or non-monagomous partner.

We gave humans a long lifespan where they could have more than one developmental crisis over the extended childbearing years and beyond.

I think serial monogamy is inevitable. I honestly don't expect relationships to really last that long, except if we exert some cognitive and behavioural control. Within that context... I also believe that lifelong monogamy is possible as long as we are ready to put the effort into relationships when they don't have the same spice as in the beginning.

Prenuptial or couple contracts should be a requirement. Sexual relationships should be looked at as a business partnership, where the product is children and wealth accummulation, if you want a family. I am a realistic feminist!
 butter-cup
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 115 (view)
 
child support in bc
Posted: 12/11/2007 9:45:30 PM
Every penny of child support that I recieve is used to support my 7 month old baby. I apply for all subsidies possible and make my dollars count by relying on community resources (free/cheap food, bus tickets, clothing, etc). I make the difference by working part-time. We have as good a life as I had before the break-up (not better or worse) and I don't have to ask for money from him anymore. Child support is not a favour, it is the law. The child support table figures seem to be working in my case.

Also, extraordinary expenses must be split and if he makes more working income than her, he should pay a proportionate amount... that is fair.. for daycare, medical, education, hockey, etc.
 
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