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calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

A SUPPORT GROUP FOR BROKEN HEARTS PEOPLE. Posted: 9/5/2006 3:54:03 PM
Sassyfox - Exactly ! Some come to find new intersts others to find advice. OP - Seems the more you tried to put into it the harder the fall was. You posted this in the right area, Broken Hearts. It might not be exactly organised, everybody gets to speak their opinion if interested in doing so. The closest to organisation you might find here is an early thread titled "So you want a second chance". There really is some great points there in healing from a relationship that didnt work out as expected. Every person at some point has suffered from it in one way or another. Sure the details are different in everycase. It boils down to they arent there anymore. It is a learning experience, a part of life. Something to make us better people and more in tuned with who we really are and where we want to go with the rest of our life. They set you free. Free to move forward in life and not to be held back bt dragging them along on your way there. Don't blame your partner, don't blame yourself. What happened was between both of you. Sure it did not seem right how it finished. It never does. Moving forward really is the way to get past it. Stay busy get a new hobby, work on your self to improve your feelings of self worth. Find someone new that you can care about. But search out that thread and read it. Print it , put a copy by the phone, carry one with you and follow it.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 46 (view)

GREAT DATE...calls nxt day,& day after....CANCELS ???? Posted: 9/4/2006 6:16:43 PM
reply to # 25 ARE YOU KIDDING ? let it go already. He doesnt even deserve a text messge from you. give him a taste of his own medicine and dont feed his ego anymore. Any thing you send this guy will only tell him "you want him" wouldn't matter if it was "go pound salt in your a$$". You contacting him means you are still thinking about him. DON"T DO IT. Dont get caught up in his game. Your time is worth more then wasting it on him even if it is telling him off.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 66 (view)

what do you mean when you say no chemistry Posted: 9/3/2006 11:46:10 AM
thanks for the input guys. Mostly it sounds like chemisry is all about looks Nope you still arent getting it. You are almost there ! its more of a personality issue That is the closest you have gotten to it yet. OK so you were a nice date. But were you too nice ? If it took them 2-3 days to send off the message that means you were in the running. But ! now get this ! There was no mystery, you didnt leave them wanting more. to know more , to feel more. To the point that they couldnt get you out of their head. Amazingly what you dont think will improve your chances WILL. There was no challenge for them. Were you a 'YesMan"? did you agree with everything that they talked about. Did you create even the least bit of controversy that sparked any new conversation outside of whjat they have been accustomed too? Did you lean back, relaxed while talking to them. Like it was the most natural thing for you to be doing ( talking to women ) there having a great time and being great company to them. Looks help , so does money and fame, but sugar coated nice isnt quite the way to go. They have left you wanting more and you need to turn that around. Lean back while out with them. Relax it is going to be OK. Doent be quite so easy to 'qualify them. I'm certain you have a lot to offer them but dont give it away. Hold back and dont seem so interested. Someone else mentioned this earlier and you missed it. (maybe) Be confident , have a good time, sahow them you can have a good time and be a bit of a tease with them. Have you ever told one of your kids "He/She teases you because they like you." ? Have you ever been told that ? Didn't make sense then either but it is true. Be more of a challenge. They obviously had to think about it a while to decide it wasnt there because one very small thing that put it over the top for them was missing. The challenge, the tease, the confidence, the awareness of their body language. Who knows really. Chances are if you turn down the anxious, really into you, "Nice Guy" pushover stuff and seem more challenging and keep that up they can't help but see you as different from the rest of the herd. You are so close. That friend who is good with the ladies might not be able to offer much in words to help but if you pay attention to what he is doing ( or not doing ) instead of saying. Chances are good it will get better. They will either mail sooner saying it wasnt right or be at your door to see you again. He is subtly expressing alpha-male qualities non verbally. The ones that suggest he is differnt from all the nice guys trying to ply them with their charm, trinkets and gifts. It isnt money or looks. Women leave rich men every day for someone that excites them. Women get tired of the guy with great looks too. They either arent a challenge anymore, become abusive or just plain dull. Start with personality and confidence, those shouldnt fade and are hard to fake. Be a challenge and keep it up. Keep'em guessing and laughing, "It's like magic".

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

If there were NO dating online sites... Posted: 8/28/2006 7:05:57 AM
I guess it would depend on their regular lifestyle. People who drink would be in bars more. Looking for quality drunks. Party goers would party more trying to find the right partyer. Socialites would be getting out more and in more community events. The single soccer parent allows more time to attend the games with the kids. The single parent with heady, bookinsh kids end up at spelling/math B's or quiz bowls, possibly more involved at their kids school or functions. We have t eat, so instead of shopping weekly go daily and at different times to see who is shopping the deli, fresh veggies, frozen section or who just goes through check out with 4-5 items. Join a book club, local/church singles group. Make time to go to shops or resturaunts that you wouldnt normally visit but have wanted to. We arent going to meet any new people in our regular life unless either we change our social habits or they do. It gets said often that guys are afraid of rejection. Women wait for the guy to make the first move. This seems self defeating. She's waiting on him and he doesnt want shot down. Be the one to initiate some conversation. You might run into a few that arent interested, are married or just unavailablebut you are meeting more people and increasing your chances of finding an interesting conversationist and taking it from there. You can always wait for new neighbors to move in and bring a house warming gift to introduce yourself. Welcome to the forums and internet dating.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

Boxes of memories...... Posted: 8/24/2006 9:30:10 PM
Mine dissappeared 15 years ago in the first year I was married. Had stuff all the way back to my first year of grade school in there. It was part of what I had gone through to become who I am. My ex's words "You dont need that, you have ME now"didnt replace my childhood memories stored in there. It was all kept in a small wooden chest my dad helped me make the day of my 6th birthday. Funny part is her cedar Hope Chest is still in the same spot for 2 years waiting for her to claim it. I don't want it, she knows it is here and can have it. I still add pictures to it for her of the kids If I had mine today I would have been adding to it still Happy memories or sad ones would make it in there as a reminder of how I got to today. I looked forward to going through it when my memory began to fade to bring back all the moments of my youth. And being able to share those moments again with the person I got there with. OH hell ! now I am nostalgic Aerosmith -Angel (our song) just came on the radio, time to go.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Do you believe in second chances? Posted: 8/21/2006 9:02:21 PM
... has anyone else been in the situation where the first time didnt work out and you give it another shot? Yes, Mine was not quite like you described. We married 2 years after the baby was born. From meeting to marriage was 3 years. She was young. at 19 I was her ticket out of her parents house. Of course we loved each other. At least I knew my love was sincere and honest. The next 14 years for me were the best of my life with her our daughter and the 2 boys that followed. Somewhere in that 14 years she became bored/unhappy/discontented and it became her hell on earth to be tied to a husband and family. She left to "go find herself". Probably because there was more that she had wanted then to have a family. Our agenda's no longer were anywhere near the same and 'we' grew apart toward the end of it. She had my support the whole time to go and do what she thought she needed to fullfill her aspirations. That never came to fruit and post-partum depression after the 3rd child never quite let go of her or she never quite let go of it. Marriage shouldnt be entirely about what you have to give up to be married but partly how it is going to compliment each other to be who/what you initially set out to be or do. Not just one of you but BOTH of you. Dont lose yourself to the idea of being married. Get your ToDo list out of the way so there are no what-ifs. Something to keep in mind too is when getting back together treat it as a new romance because you both have experiences apart from each other., Other wise when you just pick back up where you left off it will follow the same path it did before. I believe in second chances. But not a second chance to be their doormat.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 49 (view)

Signs that a woman is single? Posted: 8/16/2006 8:53:58 PM
Simply ask her. It isnt hard to do or going to get you shot at. You talk for a bit but NOT about the weather, her/your job, either ex or marriage plans. Then just say " Hey, your single? right?" not and I repeat NOT " So uh, ...... you uh , ....um got a boyfriend?" that puts it out there ALL wrong. you are framing yourself as her next boyfriend, which sets off this buzzer in her head. you know the sound EEAAAAAANDT ! you just shot yourself down without even knowing it. This means you are having to look to find someone and too needy in her book to consider. You8 just fell into the dreaded 'friends zone' good for a free dinner on occasion and possibly being seen with for drinks at your expence. There is the possiblity that the wedding band is simply 'bozo repellant' too. And if she is married you have done or asked nothing that was wrong. It is just a question after all. And asking it very straighforward sets you apart from the previous 20 guys she has shot down that day.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

he's the one but..... Posted: 8/16/2006 3:43:42 PM
I stopped reading after the first page of comments. Not everyones job, work or career ends at 5:00 PM. As you have said this is his busy season. This is the part of the year that allows him the extra later on to take time off, have the excess time or cash to relax. The world won't end if you dont get to spend every waking moment together. Sure more time will be nice I am sure but I wouldnt dismiss him for prioritising work occasionally ahead of his relationship together with you. The saying " you have to work to party" does come to mind. There does need to be a balance between work and relationships. It will snow again soon enough, expect him to be more available when it does. Communication with him during the mean while will be paramount to your success together. Whos turn is it to put some extra into it for both of you. Relationships arent always fairytales. His "off time" was probably the good part, now being the bad part. It cant always be just the good in life. If you have your own personal doubts that it will work out then cut him loose. If there was a trust issue that you thought he wasnt faithfull THEN sure, move on. But dont fully expect this work pattern in his life to change. He could well be working to lead up to some surprise that includes both of you.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

It's not you, it's me.... Posted: 8/13/2006 10:25:29 PM
They are taking the blame for it not working out. They have set a limit to how far they will go and reached it. They dont see something there that you do and are unable to explain it well enough to be completely understood. Something just isnt right about it and they dont feel it is fair to youy to make you change to meet their expectations whether it is a big gap or not they are breaking it off before it goes farther and hurts worse from being more emotionally invested in this. They are letting you find someone more compatable in every aspect instead of only a few. Any way you look at it they want out for whatever their reason is.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

Dating a Guy with Badly Behaved Kids Posted: 8/13/2006 9:09:42 PM
yes , I am a little late getting into this thread. You hit a concern I had a while back also. She went from working at home mostly to an outside job about the time we met and didnt spend nearly the as much time with her kids. They had become accustomed to it just being the 4 of them 7, 10, 12 and her for most of the last 7 years. We had and have different ideas on how to raise and discipline our children. She wouldnt question her own about anything and mine were to blame regardless of their actions. Hers could do no wrong in her eyes. Mine were said to run amock without the slightest of rules. Inspite of this she wanted me/us there for her. But I didnt feel right putting my boys through having to tolerate her 3 girls. We stay friends and all of us will get together at times for day trips but nothing more now. Sure we want more than to just like each other, the kids do to but the differences in parenting are what keeps us apart. We have talked about it and for now this seems best, at least for me and mine. When kids are involved in a LTR it has to be good for them first and then us. Part of what I was trying to get at was that --- At the end of the day he is probably tired from work. He probably rellied on his ex to do most of the parenting and maybe she was too tired to deal with it at the end of the day too. My first g/f after my ex was that way and her 4 year ld walked all over her. Why? because she was 2 tired to stop him and didnt want to hear him whine or cry. We still talk too but I wasnt going to let a 4 year old teach my kids bad habits then or now. There is a lot to be said about keeping the kids out of it at first till you know where it is going. This will also give the kids a chance to get used to the idea of you being a part of their parents life with them instead of having to compete with you for his time.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 193 (view)

The things you miss most about being in a relationship... Posted: 8/13/2006 1:31:39 PM
None of it. All of it. The smell of her hair as she lay quietly next to me. Jovan White Musk while I am out with the kids. Sneaking a kiss when the kids arent around. Stealing a hug when the kids are around. That feeling of being there for someone. Knowing that someone is and will be there for me. Coffee in the morning with someone.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

Fixing the problem or comforting words-Which is important? Posted: 8/7/2006 4:18:34 PM
Unless she has specifically asked you to fix it, DONT. read that again till it makes sence to you. If what she wants is some compassion offer to let her talk to a GIRL friend after you have offered her your consolations. Dont be insensative but also stay away from getting caught up in the drama by fixing it. Ask your self "Am I going to fix every single little thing for her and not see her grow from it." Some things are self inflicted try not to inflict to much on you.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

If a marriage fails, whose fault is it? Posted: 8/7/2006 12:53:45 PM
Why should there be blame for what didnt work? One no longer felt secure/loved/wanted/needed/connected/attracive/attracted to their mate The other nolonger provided what the other one needed to feel all/any of the above. At some point someone else entered the picture and seemed to fill a void percieved by the one or the other partner in the relationship. Or the one not getting what they wanted went looking. Lets face it we, as people, arent completely logical. Why do married men with a gorgeous wife, kids, security and home still "play the field"'? Why would a woman with a seemingly great husband, family or married life 'stray' from that? My answer, they are either (subconsciously) insecure or no longer challenged. It isnt (always) about not enough sex When something else fails then sex to one of them becomes unimportant. Or when the sex becomes routine the rest of the relationship falls apart. Marriage is the union of 2 people, not just joining him to her or her to him. but joining them together as partners. As such they both lead, they both follow. Not, I lead ! you follow !! Both traveling in the same direction having very simular plans of how they are goiing to reach their destinations together. Not just at the same time but how , by working along side the other, they are going to help the other accomplish their goals while accepting the help of the other to obtain their own. Each one being mutually beneficial to the other. The union is made frome distinctly different individuals with differing abilities, strengths, weaknesses and hopefully simular interests. Cooperation is a key element to getting past each obstacle along the way. Isnt it more important to ask at what point did it begin to fail? And how much of it am I top be blaed for doing too little/much when more/less/different was all that was needed to chalenge myself or them as needed. You cant fix them or carry their burden forever. Work on yourself when single, work on the relationship when in one.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

SO if you thought about it, if you looked at your new gf or bf do they actually resemble your ex. Posted: 8/6/2006 9:39:34 AM
I find the thread interesting . The ones I find really attractive do have a few things in common with a HS sweetheart. Wonderful smile, full lips, long brunette hair, sparkling blue eyes, tall, well frammed oval face, med to fair complection, warm personality that was almost magnetic, wonderfully shaped few extra pounds and did I mention her smile? Have I had it mentioned to me ? No. Now I wonder if it is my imagineation that the profiles to get my attention mostly turn out to be Cancers, just like the ex-wife. Not such a bad thing that they are close to her age. But I just wonder what I might be getting back into with another one. It cant be worse then the bi-polar ex (or can it ?), so I say Hi.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Do I deserve a second chance? Posted: 8/6/2006 7:23:00 AM
A second chance ? Shouldnt you be asking if SHE deserves the second chance when she calls back ? OK so it was 2:30 in the morning. She did say to keep calling till she answered. And then she was the one to break it off. Sudden shifts in behaviour generally ( but not always) indicate someone new. You helped her to heal after her break up. Now go find yourself. Just because it seemed so right for you is not an indicator that it was just as right for her. Dont stress it much and things for you will improve. Edit post: Intense ?!? A month!!!! come one ! you came off as needy. Jabarian posted a really good thread recently about 'nice guys'. Spend a few minutes to search for it. Read what he posted, see how much applies and take it from there. Here is the link

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

the just friends thing Posted: 8/6/2006 5:09:27 AM
Actually he probably is interested. Only he knowes at what level his interest is on. If you dont see his being not extremely outgoing as a fault give him time to come out of it with you. Maybe he is trying too hard not to "blow it" this time. In your profile you stated ...looking for friends....who knows from there.....I feel that Love is "friendship on fire"...just looking for the match If you are waiting for him to light yours you may be a while. If you thought there might be something there, well let him think it is his idea

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

What does it mean to be a half-boyfriend/girlfriend? Posted: 8/4/2006 11:51:42 PM
OP My first thought after reading your post was " who is her other 'half-boyfriend' and what is it he is doing for her ?" Seriously, you aren't less than a person why settle for half of a relationship. Maybe she is simply holding out for exclusivity with you before taking things the next (half) step. My last gf wouldnt define our relationship together after 8 months. I am pretty certain that I was just somebody to be there for her, whatever. We did move in together for a couple of months. As she put it, I was "just staying the night" the whole time. It didn't give me much to get emotionally invested about, Apparently she wasnt either. Half -boyfriend sounds sort of childish or at the least uncommitted. 3 months is not a long time but should be long enough to either move forward or move on.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

Friend going for your ex Posted: 8/4/2006 2:13:02 PM
Yeah someone I included as a friend did take the ex. Was before she was the ex. Was I OK with it hmmm no. who would be at first. Now .... they deserve each other. Any body want a shot ? Take my blessings with you. As for me , no. Not my thing to step in there before or after my friends were apart. I still stay friends with both since I knew them as friends, whatever differences they had are theirs, not mine. Why make it more complicated then it has to be. Someone said that dating a widow is more complicated yet. I cant see really how. Unless it is my late brothers widow. She is family. If the widow and her husband were friends of mine who better to consider than a friend to have along to compliment life's journeys. She wants to be happy too.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Negative Advice..When Your Seeking Advice.Geesh Posted: 8/4/2006 1:02:16 PM
It is just advice. Them telliing you how they would handle it if in your place. If you can see that it is bad advice and can forsee the end results of taking their advice Great ! If it isnt like you to do as they suggested then simply dont. Sometimes I have to ask myself if some posters give the advice they do so you will see the falisy ( fallusy ) ( hell with it! ) short comings or even the extreemes by going that direction. Whether they mean well or are just mean by being blunt they might open your eyes to what not to do.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Irreconsivable Differences or Not?? Posted: 8/2/2006 9:47:28 PM
Serenity vs. chaos drama vs. peace hmmm you would have to decide just how much chaos and chaotic drama you are willing to accept. A bit of a challenge is a good thing during a relationship. I try to stay away from constant drama, to me it is an immature trait found in people still searching for who they are. Even a lack of any forsight or long term planning. Communication is vital to your sucesses with him. Be open with him about what bothers you, dont expect immediate results. That chaos could be his form of being spontaineous. Personally, constant drama is not for me. Chaos surrounds us.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

does the hurt go away Posted: 8/2/2006 9:13:37 PM
It will diminish over time as long as you dont keep feeding it. Dont let it have any power over you in any way. Move forward with your life. I didnt say move away with it , you have kids that still look to you to be there for them as a father. Get your life back on track, be there for your kids. The amount of time it takes depends on how soon you are ready to come out of it and realise that your life didnt end with the marriage. Walk with a smile, hold your shoulders back and take cleansing breaths as needed. You will find that as you stand upright the cliff will get farther away. With time will come new experiences and new people in your life. Time will heal the wound.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Whats up with the nervous/shy/very quiet guys?? Posted: 8/2/2006 2:13:18 PM
People sometimes become shy because of a fear of rejection. They get this at an early age pre-highchool usually. Maybe the girls teased him cause they thought he was cute, but he didnt get it that they were actually flirting with him a bit , if you will accept that. The boy didnt understand then what was going on. Nobody told him "She does it cause she LIKES you, now go back , dont wuss out this time and see if you can show her a litte of the same to show her that it's OK, you like her too." Like Chrysostom mentioned, if you like him critique him gently, He might not yet understand the way teasing works when it comes to interacting with you. You love to laugh and smile and he will love to see you do this. It may take little coaxing to get him there but you might be rewarded well in your efforts to help him along to be who he really is and could be for you.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Is she a gold digger? Posted: 8/1/2006 7:06:25 AM
Lets turn it around for a second If she was doing all the buying ans spending are you going to refuse the free gifts? And since they are coming so easily wouldnt you just test a little bit to see just how much she rreally would spend on you? Lets face it , would you really turn down a free meal or gifts? If she didnt want to go broke doing it she would save some for her own bills right? Right !? ! OK now back to reality. you are becoming a doormat of a "nice guy". Dont you think she wants to spend time with you just for who you are and not for what you have to offer her. You really are setting yourself up for a hard fall. sssh SSHHHH, I KNOW you love her. But do you really have to sacrifice yourself to her to get any attention from her ?

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Blocked Call Posted: 7/30/2006 12:42:14 PM
But they CAN still track you down. When they *69 the messaage it costs them to do this but the # you returned it to as well as the date and time is there on the phone bill. Sooo still best to use a cellular or sip mobile phone for such things.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

buying a girl a drink Posted: 7/30/2006 12:29:37 PM
It is confident on his part to do this. He knows that she gets approached a lot. It sets him apart from the rest of the slobbering idiots trying to get her # so they can call her endlessly. If she is interested in talking it puts it in her court to ask him to stay. Other wise he just found one more that was there to milk men for free drinks and all it cost him was one instead of all night. Go watch the movie Hitch.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

how many do you regret Posted: 7/30/2006 12:11:16 AM
This one sure brings back fond memories about a girl I grew up with. During HS her family moved away to Olathe Ks ( 4 hours away ). We did go steady for a short time before this. We stayed friends and in my senior year she came back to visit and dropped by. We went out as friends and talked till late in the night. I told myself for years afterwards I should have looked her up sooner. When I did finally decide to start all I found were dead ends. Like she and her family vanished. Chari was the one I let slip away. While I was married I didnt think about her, but I'm single now and wonder if I might ever get to see her again. It wouldnt matter at what level, just to catch up again now, 20 years later. As far as regretts about any relationships I have been in ? No, I loved them first.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

need sum adivce Posted: 7/29/2006 12:17:20 AM
If you go back to him before you accomplish what you set out to do with school or your life it will be you not him later that regrets it. If his love is true he will still be there when you have your road laid out for yourself and ready to include him in it. If you are going to be content being miserable and tied to his house because you threw away your future to be with him then go back. Other wise take everyones advice that has gone before you thinking it will be different with them and become the person you're destined to be and allow fate to introduce you to who you are to meet.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

You think your funny don't ya? Posted: 7/28/2006 1:01:21 PM
I enjoy the company of a woman that can carry on a conversation, laughs at my jokes, has some to share, doesnt get uptight if I bust on her a little, and can return it in a simular fashion. Some guys I know lose it when a woman can joke back with them. Hell they lose their composure if she even speaks to them. Like they they are back in the 5th grade or something. Nope give me a hard time, but expect it in return. I promise to not be mean or abusive and dont ask if your butt looks big unless you want the truth ( likes round butts ). Ask me if it it looks bad in those jeans ? now thats a different thing. That friendly banter back and forth should be used as a SPICE not the main course. Although some dishes are served up rather spicy. As for women dumber than me? No ! CHALLENGE ME ! Smart , bright , positive attitude , can take a joke as well as she gives them out, then that ties into looks for a well rounded package. I like a sharp witt but no sharp corners.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

Challenging moral decisions - drugs Posted: 7/20/2006 11:06:12 PM
"there is no God" - noo deal Chemicals - No Herb - no again booze - still no A couple of beers/wine/mixers on occasion is permissable. After the responcibilities are taken care of sure. No recreational drinkers allowed. hooked on prescriptions - hmmmm No trashy language - nope bored easily - uht uh tattoos - I dont think so body piercings - you werent born with that, it didnt grow there. I cant see how it is an enhancement. See above. "My budget is to shop till YOU are broke" - keep moving drama queen or 'constant drama' - get lost waste basket full of this weeks takeout wrappers - see budgeting above Dont get me wrong, I am flexible to a point and human too. I have my faults. Leaves the tooth brush on sink, over not under with the TP, get as much as you give, give more than you expect back, kids AREN'T baggage DON'T expect me to put them in the closet Comprimise can become a slippery slope to regain from, not that I am unwilling but just to what extent. When you realise it is going to far it may well be too late to fix or cure it easily. I am not going to think that they should change anything about themself for me. Maybe I'm skewed in my perceptions and will be single again for a lonnnnng time. Better single and happy then married, fully compromised and UNhappy.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Why bother? Posted: 7/20/2006 6:29:12 AM
From the sound of it you have tried to make contact, gave him plenty of oppurtunity to respond. It was about him. Move on, he isnt ready or already involved. He will only drag you down making you wait. Whatever his intentions were that day they didnt turn out to be long term. BTW Happy (belated) Birthday

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

Living in a loveless relationship Posted: 7/14/2006 9:31:54 PM
Yup, 8 years, thats a long time , but not as long as the next 2 if you keep going like you have been. You are a nice guy. But are you still the same guy as when the 2 of you met ? Think back. Didnt you take charge then and make the decisions to start with? You included her in what you did. You hadnt gotten mushy in the relationship, yet. I doubt that she actually hates you but probably hates who you became in the last 8 years trying to please her. Stop trying to please her quite so much. you are not her hand maid or her servant. Again, You are not her hand maid or her servant. Instead of taking her out and asking her what she wants just GO. Invite her along. Tell her where you are going and what you intend to order. Or surprise her. Done eating ? dont wait for her to say its time to go, take the lead. Tell her "Are you about finished? Come on, I'm done" and head out for some place else Take charge again. stop tagging along with her. She is seeing this as being needy or as a second child. Asking her what she wants is not going to get an answer. "I don't care" means "OH MY GOD !PICK SOMETHING." or "surprise me". You are trying to hard to please her. Most men want to see their partner happy. They remember that they did something nice and it made her happy. So to make her twice as happy we do that twice as much or often, the happiness fades and so we turn it up to 4X now it is getting old and obnoxious but she doesnt want to dissapoint you and stays quiet till it reaches 8X or 16X. at this point you have essentiially handed her your testicles and wallet. When all along you could have gotten better results by changing it up a bit , not been predictable and spared most of the favors, gifts or ass kissing. Once you reached 4X the chase was over, she owned you. I think you might have miss quoted her twice when she said " I dont , No" So maybe it is over, that is between the 2 of you. I read what you had to say , all of it. Yours is a tale told by many. She is there because it is better than the alternative of Not having anyone to pay her bills or tuition or to be there for her child's needs. She will stay, probably nothing will improve till she is finished with school, her daughter will be 14 and have a life of her own or at least can fend for herself some. You will get dumped cause she "needs her space" ( that means " back off, you are suffocationg me" BTW ). It boils down to do what you think is right for you. You already know the options. If you are lucky the time to choose and be able to improve it has not past. Make a choice, show her you still can.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Give up on life or love? Posted: 7/14/2006 7:49:10 PM
Confidence, women see it right away. They also percieve a lack of it as well. Do a google search for "double your dating" sign up for the news letter. Spend some money on yourself for the sake of improving the person you are and how you are percieved. Things will change. It isnt a race, it is about finishing. Oh , and the person to change for is you, no one else. If you are happy just like you are then stay on the same path. If not find a different path, go a different direction or just slow down.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

Just friends? Mixed signals Posted: 7/13/2006 2:50:08 PM
I would say after your last post that you put it to her correctly. Her mixed signals were probably because she was confused herself. She did like you, youy held the qualitiesthat a longterm mate should have but just didnt give her the feeling of intensity that other guys (the clows ) did at the time. Untill you were talking to other women she never thought you were going to not be there for her.She was acting a bit bratty by coming over to sit on your lap. Push her off, send her on her way and tell her to "go play with your little friends over there" like she was some bratty little sister and get back to your conversation with someone of interest. The woman you were talking to should see this as a confident/attractive man being chased and spark more interest towards you. Both now see you as confident in charge and attractive. Your 'just friends' girl will get the message that you do have other options and consider you more to her liking. Either way I think you were right how you handled it. One way gave the closure, it told her where you two really stand the other would have put you in a different light and moved you up from the dreaded 'friends zone' with both of them.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

Is it still expected that men pay for everything Posted: 7/13/2006 1:58:34 PM
Always being the only one to pay gives away a part of yourself to her. Right ? right !? Doesnt it tell her, when you are the only one to pay, that she wouldnt go out with you unless you provide for her? We all like a free meal. The question to ask is ... Is it just for the free meal and gifts that she wants to be around? or is it me? Of course there is the chivalry aspect of it but if she is the one that asks, allow her to pay. You pay when you include her in your plans. Let her give some to the relationship as well. If you are always expected to pay, regardless of who askes, it can turn into her keeping you around for the free meal or gifts. If you are going anyway include her for the company or conversation. She should be earning a living too, allow her to put some back into your time together instead of you being the constant provider. Allow her to include you in some of her plans. Dinner/drinks at her place and a walk after wards counts as her part too. IMO Relationships should be give and get for both sides. Sex should be mutual and without obligation. I tell my daughter "you can't keep him with sex." I tell my boys "you cant keep her with gifts and money." "They will stay because they want to."

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

porno tapes Posted: 7/13/2006 9:10:26 AM
@^^^^^^ I would tend to agree. It might be that is the only way he knowws how to get off is by viewing sexually explicit material. So he has become dysfunctional without it. OP After 17 years of "I want the lights ON" something just seems wrong when it is pitch black in a room with a lover you have never seen naked. Ahhh but alas we are creatures of habit and it sounds to me like he has a really bad one he practices alone. ;) be very careful about holding hands till you know he has waashed.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Well hey, just because it ain't yours doesn't mean you don't have to pay. Posted: 7/12/2006 4:49:00 PM
yip , he got duped. The gold digger mother BROUGHT her sins upon the child. he should have just stuck it out and been totally miserable with the little girls mom till after she had started a family of her own so there would be no hard feelings between him and the supposed daughter. That way the goldigging mom could take him for half of his earnings or more when they split as well as everything he had earned up to that point, essentially putting him in the poor house while she comes out smelling like a rose. So does he lie to the child for life or take the honest road and expect the mother to do the same. Some now he is now responcible for a cild he didnt father. Does that mean a woman can now get child support from every guy she has sex with ? or just pick the one with the most to go after. If you remember , it was for the child's benifit that the courts decided this. Makes a good case for abstinence. BTW I lie(d) and was lied to. Do I feel bad about it ? NEVER

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

Lonely Parents Posted: 7/11/2006 9:36:08 PM
I know I get to where I miss an adult to talk to at times. It is a good feeling to talk with and to make someone else smile and laugh. I think it is the mental connection I miss most. Not the warm person next to me or the physical intamacy as much as just sharing time together. Or when you have had it rough that day and your partner picks up some of the slack for you, knowing that you would do the same for them and have.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

lack of experience Posted: 7/10/2006 11:10:20 AM
Having sex with someone does not have to be the 'end all, be all' in a relationship. Hmm seems like my ex-wife taught me that one. THAT is a story for another day though. Three things that never hurt when out meeting new people are Attitude - be positive , upbeat and outgoing. Personality - have one , be friendly, laugh, be talkative, informed and energetic (show excitement) Confidence - show some leadership qualities in groups, to yourself and when talking to women or groups of women. Lead , dont follow. Of course there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you arent going to see it looking at the ground. As far as limited experience. Dont bring that to the table. Treat her decent, have a good time, make some jokes. Find something BESIDES the weather, your previous relationships, work or that she looks hot to talk about. Take some initiative, make a plan for a couple of places you want to go to see or to do. Then include her. If she wanted to make the decision about where to go she would have just went there herself. Yeah, getting dropped suddenly isn't an easy thing. Now is the best time to move forward. Work on you, do some things you like. But get out of the house. When you get to the place that you are happy and comfortable with who you are others, including women, will see it too. Do things that build confidence like hit the gym, get tanned, build a hotrod or anything you like that makes you feel like you have accomplished something. Whatever it is, do it for you, but doing it for someone else is the wrong way to go about it, When they come and go your loss will not seem as great if you do it for you AND include them instead of doing it all for them. Sure , women want a nice guy but not a "NICE" guy. "NICE" is too nice, too needy, too much constant attention. Not just giving attention but seeking it as well. It is possible to smother someone with your love, feelings, affection constant neediness or just being too nice. It gets better, take some time for you and make it a point to meet new people with varying interests from your own. It might surprise youwhat happens when you start to make eye contact and can keep it. Just DONT do this but more like this instead.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

please help............ Posted: 7/9/2006 5:51:06 PM
do we pick guys that are the same...or do they pick us, do i look like a ssucker, do i send out the wrong signals or are we meant to be with a certain type, My take on it is ... a little of both. Naturally , guys look at the beauty of a woman. The guys that are not shy, or unnerved when she catches us looking will get more responces. Especially if he is able to act on it. You may be more attracted to a man when you percieve that he knows what he wants and is willing to go after it. If the guy has great fear of rejection you are less likely to see ANY strengths in him. Boyish men are seen as cute or nice but seldom attractive. That talkative, upbeat friendly persona IS attractive. Who doesnt want to be around attractive people ? A sucker ? No, I cant see that from the pictures. Quite pleasing to the eyes actually, the smile implies lighthearted and able to have fun at any given time or place. Some might view the constant smile as happily naive and will try to see what they can get away with. You might have just gotten used to the idea of giving in to someone to keep peace. Take some time for you , months if needed, to regain who you are or have wanted to be. This will let you find your strengths as well as inprove your 'less than strong' points. After 21 years you might unconsciously be wanting MUCH more than you had during that time. Whether it is attention, passion, excitement or personal chemistry. If that is true you might be allowing yourself to not be as selective about who you continue to date and are unable to get out of it easily. You probably knew early on with the last few relationships that this wasnt what you wanted and hoped it would improve or waiited for a better time to end it. Meet more people and to try harder to stay out of 'relationship mode' till you know more about them. While you are working on being who you want to be this might help you find out what you really want from your counterpart or partner in life.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Nice Guys Finish....FIRST!!! Posted: 7/4/2006 10:39:13 AM
However bad she/they were being treated what the guy did at somepoint was to make her feel attraction NOT affection. Affection = good friend , Attraction = excitement, chemistry, magnetism, electricity, sparks, dynamic passion and intense feelings of wanting someone or wanting to be connected to them. "Nice guys" aren't usually charismatic leaders either. Nice guys stay off of 'delicate subjects that might create controversy and may not go well in a date situation or against public appeal. Bad boys say what they want and are comfortable with that since they know they will 'get laid' soon enough. So they dont care. the nice guy tries to avoid those situations so he wont ruin his chance of becoming intimate with the woman he is with. That in difference is partly why they get so lucky to get the really great girls. Anbnd since so many are after him it doesnt matter which one to him , just that it is one. The nice guy seems nervous in a one on one conversation and she picks up on this in an instant. give off enough of that and she is gone. They see the ones that are calm, confident and out going as strrengths. Who doesnt want to be associated with people of strong character ? Maybe my take on it is wrong. But that is what I have noticed in my experience. You can still be a decent guy and start to show the wqualities that attract people ( women) to you. It takes breaking out of that mold you have formed yourelf into in the last several years. Go back to being 9-12 years old, Just for a minute. We were almost mean to the girls then. somehow they ate it up when we teased them, They all seemed to like that sweet charming guy that played dolls with them and did the nice sweet stuff that was all girly and pathetic to the rest of us. So now later in life we think that must have been what it was they wanted was a best friend. Nope ! wrong what theyu want now is that guy that can tease them make them feel like a school girl again and be someone that they cant stop thinking about. Pull back a bit and dont act quite so much like you need their attention and she might begin to volunteer it more easily , Let her be the one that seeks the approval from you. Slow down how often you bend to what you think she wants. They get used to you going out of your way to be their best friend and begin to take advantage of that. Maybe that will help explain it , or how I see it, that they become users and bored because WE let them. Thats my take on it Make em feel like a school girl occasionally and your results will change in your favor. Cheers !

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

REALLY CONFUSED Posted: 6/17/2006 1:19:16 PM
Hey, dont sweat it. Dont become obsessed over the one girl that seems confused. So she doesnt see whatever it was that sparked her attraction to you anymore. Move forward with life and she might catch up , she might not. If it doesnt work out, you tried. And (hopefully) learned something from it. If not , well, you might have to go through it a couple more times till you get it right. Something that might have taken place is she decided what she was looking for initiially is not what she wants right now. It happens. It could be too that you forgot to give her the gift of missing you, or she you. Even if it was never rocky and it took you by surprise it is possible that she got into something she only thought she was ready for till she actually had what she thought she wanted. Any way you look at it isnt it better that she didnt string you along and tear you apart emotionally trying to let (make) you be the one to break up? Accept that it is over. She gave you closure by not just dissapearing or taking someone new while saying she was still with you. So it didnt turn out quite like you had wanted it to? it didnt quite for her either, that is what gets confusing is when each of you seemed to be saying the same things together. She might have been saying some of them cause she was still looking to find what she talked about finding. But whatever it was dont obsess over her and do keep going forward.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Wife Cheated Posted: 5/19/2006 7:52:58 AM
I hear ya ! but they are right . If you are still together after 6 years dont ruin it over who it was, It was 6 years ago , it is now time for you to get past it too. Not just to say you are but to actually do it. You will find yourself without her if you persist. What it takes to keep her interested in the relationship is different than what it takes for you. What you might percieve as a great marriage to her could be hell on Earth for her, for whatever reasons.

calmchaos

Joined: 7/11/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

Why do some men say I love you right off the bat..and mean it??? Posted: 12/30/2005 10:47:33 AM
The answer to this has always been NO. He knows it, I tell him every day. There is a frienship I would hate to lose, but he won't let it be as is.... That part about everyday has put him into "relationship mode" . If it is him calling every day stop answering it so often. If it is you calling him, STOP !!!! you are putting him into that mode. He is only saying that he "can just be friends" because as long as you are friends there is the chance for more. After several years of this you will eventually give in to him and for the rest of your life you will feel like you settled and will only be superficially happy. It may last for years and the 2 of you might share a lot of history together and even children. In the end you will have to get away from him. His feelings for you will smother you because you dont share them at the same intensity. He would probably never stop loving you and would probably alway be good to you. If you dont want superficial happiness cut him loose , completely. Other wise he will become your hand maid and you will walk on him. And what is the purpose of keeping him as a friend anyway? OK so there is somethinmg that just doesnt "spark it" for you with him . You mentioned he was good looking. He just doesnt excite you over the phone. I can respect that , but one way or another you are going to have to either see where it goes or cut him loose without crushing him. He wont let you do it anyother way cause he doesnt know how to "just be friends" with a woman.

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