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shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 128 (view)

WHY DO MEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU, BUT NOT DATE YOU? Posted: 1/22/2009 11:14:01 PM
Yes HallieCat, I agree with you, its not so black and white. I don't really buy into the 'you'll never be worthy of more' line either myself. If its in terms of this relationship alone, then no, its probably not going to go farther than this. But getting back to my original point of this post. Like I said earlier, both of them are at fault. She is at fault for allowing it to continue. He is at fault for pursuing it when he knows it something she doesn't want, then has the gall to get pissy when she isn't at his beckon call. Sheesh!! Like I said before, it takes two to tango.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 124 (view)

WHY DO MEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU, BUT NOT DATE YOU? Posted: 1/22/2009 8:18:15 PM
I agree with you HallieCat, there does come a time when the weak must become strong. To quote leavemealoneplease "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." She needs to be strong and stand up for herself. She's allowed this to continue for 6 months, so its time she put her foot down. Dreamcatcher hit the nail on the head earlier, particularly when she said that the first time around you may be a victim but after that you are a willing participant. Although he's a creep for continuing this if he knows it makes her uncomfortable and that she wants more, she is allowing it to continue, so she's at fault too. Remember, it takes two to tango. Interesting how some think "effort" can only come out of a wallet. Well said ladyc4!! And to respond to your post Dave90025: It's not that we don't want to date you. Men are programmed to test the waters before we commit to a relationship. We test the waters through sex if we aren't compatible sexually then we usually wont be interested in going any further in the relationship. Women on the other hand are emotional creatures so they want a relationship or commitment before sex we are the exact opposite. I disagree with that. It has nothing to do with sexual compatibility. Sure, that can be an issue for some couples. As M church said, sexual compatability can vary over time, so 'testing' someone is pointless...Unless your tastes are at extremes, then compromise and teaching can bridge most compatability gaps...A relationship is not just about sex. Sex will not fill an empty conversation, nor will it keep you company.... And HallieCat was right on when she said, You're saying he's not dating her and doesn't want a relationship because he's determined they're not sexually compatible. If that were the case, why is he continuing to have sex with her? I mean, come on.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

Do people actually meet on this site??? Posted: 1/22/2009 6:48:45 PM
Wow....what a beautiful testimontial!!! Hooray for you spoken for!! I wish you the best in your journey ahead together! Yay!! See.......proof that it DOES work!! Just be patient phxlunargirl7.....you will find your Prince Charming eventually.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 51 (view)

About the Friendship First Posted: 1/22/2009 5:47:40 PM
Chica Tequilla, I loved the Dating Etiquette 101. Its sad, but a lot of people have forgotten the basic niceties when it comes to dating. Dating is hard enough, we don't need add more unneeded stress. Making sure you are both on the same page from the start is the best way to go!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 49 (view)

About the Friendship First Posted: 1/22/2009 5:28:58 PM
Sounds to me like neither of you really set clear boundaries. If her profile says friends, rather than dating or long-term, then the answer is simple--she wants to be friends first. If not, then she should of been upfront with you if that's what she wanted in the first place. But at the same time, it was both yours and her responsibility to set the rules and boundaries from the beginning. Could be that after your first couple of 'dates' she realized that she really wasn't that into you. And this was her way of letting you down 'gently'. But from your previous posts, like when you mentioned her tensing during some of the dancing, seems to me she's not ready for any sort of intimate relationship with you, that in her mind it was more of a 'friends' relationship. Regardless, she should of been honest with you, though it might of stung a bit to hear the truth. And regarding the issue of being 'friends first'. There absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as things are clear from the beginning. Some of the best relationships start out as friends, believe me. One of my first serious boyfriends who I was with for nearly 4 years started out as a childhood friend. Even though things didn't work out (because he moved and long distance just wasn't working), we still remain the best of friends. And as a result, we are much closer than we were before. So 'friends first' definitely isn't a bad thing. Because when times get tough in any relationship, it is the friendship that will see you through. But the only way you are really going to know the truth is by taking the direct approach--ask her. Tell her you want her to be honest with you, no matter what the reason is. However, this could be opening up another can of worms, because it may not have anything to do with you. Could be something to do with her, her past, who knows. That is the risk we take though when it comes to love--we risk getting hurt. My last piece of advice? Just chalk this up as a learning experience and move on.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

How do you get and keep a girlfriend? Posted: 1/22/2009 2:23:42 PM
7-10 therapists? No wonder, that is like changing therapists every two years. How can you really expect to have any continuity of care with that many? Grrrr... Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you Dave90025, just the crppy healthcare system we have. I worked in the healthcare field for nearly 13 years and it just annoys the hll outta me. You have a few good friends, which is normal; and you have your ups and downs like most, so it sounds like you do have some social skills. You aren't socially inept...lol. Just kidding. Don't worry, she'll come along when the time is right. If it makes you feel any better, take a look at me. I'm 37, never married, and I'm okay with that. If the right guy comes along great, but I'm not worried. But it doesn't define who I am. And I'm with minako79, its not a numbers game. Also, as minako79 suggested, volunteering (as I mentioned in a previous post) can be a great way to improve your outlook. I volunteer at one of the local elementary schools as a tutor twice a week and with the Conversation Partners program at the university here in my town. I meet once a week with an my conversation partner, an international student. We just sit and talk, its a way to help improve her English speaking skills. I love my volunteer activities, it has made me feel so much better about myself. I would highly recommend it. The more you feel better about yourself, the more positive your outlook, IMO.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 91 (view)

Calling All Divorcees Posted: 1/22/2009 2:11:32 PM
Although I have no personal experience with this since I've never been married, this is my two cents on the topic. I think HumbleWriter has a point when she says that in this day and age, more women are comfortable doing what is right for them. Even though many of us still grow up with the 1950's values instilled in us, reality is that society no long fits that idyllic mold. Many women now choose to have a career rather than be a homemaker, staying home and raising the kids. With more options available to women in today's society, comes greater independence. Women are no longer solely dependent on their partners financially. The modern age doesn't look down upon a woman who chooses to work. Therefore, if a woman is truly unhappy, she is better equipped to deal with it. And being a divorcee is no longer looked down upon either. You see all types of families these days, single parent households, blended families, all which is seen as acceptable. There isn't the stigma that used to be associated with having a career or being a divorced woman. Also, I think the mindset of many women is that if somethings broken, they need to fix it. If they are unhappy in their marriage and have tried to 'fix it', but it doesn't resolve the situation, that's when they choose to file for divorce. I think men however, grow up being told they are supposed to be good fathers and husbands, so are less likely to file because if they do, they have failed in their eyes. They were a 'bad' husband for leaving or giving up. And I know if children are involved, many men have guilt over not being there 24/7 for their children. Hence, they feel like they are a 'bad' father. Not saying this is necessarily the case, just an observation, based on my experience and what male friends have told me. Daynadaze also touched on issues that I though of mentioning, but since she has already done it, I won't rehash it. I think Daynadaze hit the nail on the head in message 88. You go girl!!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

How do you get and keep a girlfriend? Posted: 1/22/2009 1:17:07 PM
15 yrs of therapy?...give up...you should be 'fixed' by now I will agree that after 15 years of therapy, you should be 'fixed' by now. However, I disagree with articdude when he says you should give up. But that may be just me, the eternal optimist talking. I think there is at least one person out there for each of us. Not necessarily a soul mate, but someone we are compatible with. Someone that complements us, our second half if you will. If you believe that you cannot change the negative thing, your right, you can't. Stop believing this, YOU REALLY CAN CHANGE. Whoever told you you have to live with it was wrong and a therapist should not be saying such lies. Honestly, you need to stop believing that you cannot chance things and work on changing them because you sure can. I used to be a really negative person and it eats away at you and you really start to believe your own lies. Every time you are negative replace it with a positive, this works; with time you will start to see a more positive stance in yourself. Try it and don't stop trying it. Harmonyharvest is right. You can change, no one can do it for you. Not even your therapist. Now regarding what the therapist(s) said about having to live with your negative attitude. I think that was way out of line. But maybe I'm wrong. I only stayed in the psychology program in college for two years. Maybe that's why. I got disillusioned, studied and got my BS in sociology instead. Studying society rather than messing with people minds, less likely to screw them up....lol. No seriously, I think your therapist was wrong and you can change. Don't give up, there is hope.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

How do you get and keep a girlfriend? Posted: 1/22/2009 12:41:23 PM
Couldn't of said it better myself OutMind!! Yes, a smile and interest and a positive attitude can go a long way. Smile, show interest, ask questions, LISTEN. Basically, no one likes someone really negative. Its a downer and people don't want to be pulled down along with you. Looking at your main profile picture, just oozes disdain and negativity IMO. My first impression from looking at your pictures is that you are someone who's pretty aloof, probably a loner. I may be totally off there, but that's just my impression. But looking at your profile, I'm not surprised you are having problems meeting someone. There is nothing special about your profile. Two lines of text....wow. Who can accurately describe themselves with just two lines of text? Your interests, music and TV? Come on, there must be more than just that. Most women will take one look at your profile and move on because there just isn't much there to catch their eye, unless they just want eye candy. Another observation is that when you put prefer not to say for certain categories, it sends up red flags, at least IMO. When you put prefer not to say for drinking, that makes me wonder, is this someone with a drinking problem? Children, either you have them or you don't. This prefer not to say cr*p is just being evasive and turns me off whenever I look at someone's profile. Income, that doesn't bother me, because I don't care how much money someone makes. Also, when I was looking at some of your previous posts, I noticed your post about divorced women and women with children. At our age, most people have baggage of some sort, so saying divorcees and women with kids are damaged goods isn't gonna get you far. That may be your opinion, which you are entitled to, but you may be denying yourself meeting the perfect person by limiting yourself like that. Some of the best men I dated were divorced guys or men with kids. It doesn't make a difference to me whether or not a guy has kids, if I'm into him, I will date him regardless of that. Life is too short to waste it. Another observation about your profile: I'm just a average nerd nothing awesome This says to me you don't have much self-confidence and isn't really going to impress the ladies. And I noticed you are looking for someone to hang out with. That's part of your problem. If that is truly the type of relationship you are seeking, great. But if it's not, then I don't think you are going to find anyone here or offline to have a serious dating or long-term relationship with, because you are sending mixed signals. Bottom line, you really need to examine what you want out of life, a relationship, and a potential partner. You seem to indicate from the tone of your posts that you want a long-term relationship or at least a dating relationship with someone. However, your profile indicates otherwise. My advice, focus on yourself, on being more positive, because attitude is the key. Don't worry about having a girlfriend for now. Sometimes the right person drops in our lap when we aren't even looking.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 97 (view)

Have you found and then lost your soulmate? Posted: 1/22/2009 12:29:31 PM
I thought I had, but this guy turned out to have too many trust issues and I couldn't handle that. I guess in the end, he wasn't my soul mate. So I would have to say that I haven't ever met or dated someone I truly thought was my soul mate. But I'm hopeful that I'll find my mate eventually. Whether or not they are the one and only person on this earth for me, I don't know. I don't really buy into the notion that they are the one and only or my true love, but it's a nice idea. Gives me warm fuzzies.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

How do you get and keep a girlfriend? Posted: 1/22/2009 11:09:46 AM
Did you know he's really not a DR? He has a PHD but not in medicine. No, he may not be a medical doctor, such as a gynecologist or neurologist. But he has a PhD in clinical psychology, which does give him the Dr. status. Now if he was a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist, that would be a different story. Psychiatrists have to go to med school. They are allowed to prescribe medications, which is really the main difference between the two. Just an FYI. But getting back to the topic of this thread. Yes, watching Dr. Phil or reading some of his books may be a good idea. Another one that may be of some use if John Gray's Mars and Venus books.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

How do you get and keep a girlfriend? Posted: 1/22/2009 10:54:55 AM
There really isn't a secret on how to meet people. The only way you are going to meet people is by getting out and doing stuff and having the courage to take the first step and strike up a conversation. Ways to meet a variety of people rather than just the materialistic crowd you seem to be sticking to (based on what you said earlier about them not being interested when they don't find out you don't own a million dollar home) are numerous. One possibility, volunteer at a local animal shelter or school. That may be a good start. Get involved in activities in the community, take a class (such as a cooking class). Make a point of going out to the mall, bookstore, coffee shop, or library, or even the grocery store. There are tons of ways to meet people. But if you just sit there and don't take the initiative to say hi or strike up a conversation with someone your interacting with, then your never going to get very far. Also, LA from my experience is a town full of fake people, more focused on material wealth than anything else. If you don't make a lot of money, most women there probably aren't interested in you. I'm not trying to generalize or say most people from LA are just fake, but that's the impression I got from my times there. But really, from everything you've said so far, it seems the type of women you are meeting just aren't the type for you. They are more interested in the stuff you own, the type of car and house you have. Remember, its not what we own and possess that makes us who we are. Its what we do and what we choose to do with our lives that define who we are. Question: Are the women you are meeting primarily through work? If so, that may be your problem. Getting out and meeting people by doing some the things I mentioned earlier may help. My last observation is this: Sounds like you are focusing more on what they like, instead of knowing and sticking to what you like, like OutMind said. If you aren't confident about who you are and what you like, no woman is going to take you seriously. If you are trying to fit a mold of what you think they want or like, therein lies your problem. Know and love yourself and eventually you will find a woman who will as well. I hope this helps. Good luck.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

Lies about cell phone Posted: 1/22/2009 12:24:02 AM
Active Anne, Trust your gut instinct on this, it is usually right. Also, if he is taking calls from someone else during a date with you, sounds to me like he's not that into you. Not trying to be mean or anything, I am just stating an observation. IMO, if I'm on a date with someone I'm really into, you won't find me chatting with other people, particularly another guy. That is just plain rude. At the very least, I would change my ringer to vibrate during my date. But in his defense, maybe the battery excuse was a way of him trying to politely get off the phone. Maybe it was his ex, and rather than saying, "Hey, I can't chat now, I'm on a date," he chose the excuse about his cell phone in an attempt to spare her feelings. You are never going to know what that conversation was all about or who he was chatting with unless you ask. And choosing to end the relationship before it really begins based solely on this is a little premature. You could be ending something that could lead somewhere based solely on these reasons. If you have other things that make you feel he is a player, then maybe it is worth considering. But for now, I would just try and get to know him better, see how things go. Also, you didn't mention anything about you two agreeing to be in mutually exclusive relationship. So if there isn't any agreement, then whats the big deal? You two aren't bound to each other. Anyway, thats just my two cents on the subject.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

Do people actually meet on this site??? Posted: 1/21/2009 11:49:46 PM
Yes, I have met a few men from this site. In fact, that is the reason for my absence from PoF....I've met and been in relationships with men off of here. Have patience, it will happen. However, sometimes if you want something bad enough, you gotta just take the bull by the horns and do it yourself. If there is a guy you are into, send him an email. Ask him out to coffee. What guy doesn't like it when a woman asks him out? Maybe that is what some of these men are waiting for, for you to take the initiative. It could be they are afraid of rejection or don't think you are that into them, so they choose not to waste their time. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't get too down about it. There are PoF in the sea!! You will find your Prince Charming eventually.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Longterm FB Posted: 1/21/2009 11:11:33 PM
Hmmmm....as I was reading this, several things occurred to me, so I thought I'd chip in my two cents. First off, it sounds to me like it is time to commit or move on after 10 years. You are wasting your time and hers. But to answer your question, no, that is not a common situation with a FB relationship. IME, relationships like this usually occurs when one or both parties are not in a relationship or seeking one, yet want the sexual benefits of a relationship. Here's a question: Do either of you maintain relationships with other people, and you are just FB's when either of you are between relationships? Or is this something that has been an unchanging situation for all these years? If so, I got news for ya, that's a relationship, albeit one based mainly on sex. Here's another question: Why do you ask? Are you trying to figure out if this is more of a serious relationship? Are you interested in more? Do you love this woman? If you have feelings for this woman, I would recommend having a serious talk with her about the course of this relationship. Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 287 (view)

men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking Posted: 1/21/2009 10:40:05 PM
I think sex toys can enhance both partners experiences, but this is something that should be approached delicately and with tact, because as you have said, it is something he is uncomfortable with. Simply asking him why it makes him so uncomfortable or apprehensive might be a way to go. Another option is to let him know that you love him and this is in no way an attempt to replace him in the bedroom; that toys and the real thing are very different things and are not comparable might be another approach. Also, let him know that its just a way to try and spice things up a bit, foreplay if you will. If he is still uncomfortable, maybe going to a sex shop together and finding something you both could enjoy is another suggestion. (This should be a no-brainer, but buying and selecting toys that do not outshine his manhood may make him feel a little more comfortable with the idea). Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

Sex Massage Posted: 1/21/2009 10:11:20 PM
Wow perdoo......you really hit the nail on the head!! You too NOLA_chick!!! That is basically the same exact advice I would of given her. But I'll still give my two cents to this topic. Strawberryangel200, Run as fast as you can from this man!! He is not going to change at this point in his life. And to be honest, I don't think this is just an issue of his frequenting asian massage palours. It goes a lot deeper than that. Now, I wanted to make a comment on what sdbysassygal said, "when you can't have sex for six weeks after having the baby, where is he going to be, or what is he going to be doing? Unless you're prepared to live your life in misery, and most likely as a single mother, I would take some time to grow up before you make any life choices concerning this man..." Indeed, if you stay with this man, you will be miserable. Based on how miserable you are now, do you really think a child will change things? And you have said he never considered a relationship until he met you....do you think he will change his habits now? Drop the porn and massage palours? No. So I just want to forget about the ridiculous massages and be happy already, finally. If leaving was the right thing, it wouldn't hurt and feel so regretable, right? It is silly to throw away love, right? Uhh.....wrong!! Sometimes letting someone go who you love, even if you know it is the right thing to do hurts tremendously. But don't think of this as throwing love away. This is an opportunity for you to grow as a person. This just isn't the right relationship for you. And no matter how much you wish otherwise, deep down you know he's not the man for you. Don't think of this as throwing love away. View it as a chance to find your soulmate, true love, whatever term you wish to use to describe it. Someone who will love you unconditionally and treat you with the respect you deserve. What you have with this man is not a healthy relationship. It is a dysfunctional relationship that will hurt you more in the long run, the more you allow it to control you. Get out now!! You are still young and this won't be the last man you will ever love, believe me. The hurt may seem unbearable right now, but trust me, the hurt will pass. In the end, I think it makes us stronger and a better person because of it. The old pressure for me to change, get into boxing, consider a threesome, have all crept back into my life. I am scared he will bore with me quickly, because I am so young. Perdoo has it right, he WILL bore of you quickly. I had the same thought about the father angle before reading perdoo's post. This man IS trying to control you IMO. I think that's what it boils down to in relationships such as yours. He is old enough to be your father, enough said. Also, from what you said, "the old pressure for me to change, consider a threesome" that sends red flags up!! Listen, you shouldn't have to change for your partner. Someone who loves you, loves you unconditionally, does not try to change you. They accept you for who you are, the good with the bad. How silly I am sounding, I know I am being stupid. But I love him. So I almost allow myself to move back in and get pregnant like he wants I think NOLA_chick said it best when she said that to him, you are a thing, a sexual object. And that by choosing to be with him, engaging in threesomes and other things that make you uncomfortable, you are basically selling your soul. Another observation.....sounds to me like you are trying hard to love this man. But this isn't love. You are trying to fit an image of what you think he wants, and you've forgotten to think about and acknowledge your wants and needs. You need to put yourself first, because your happiness is first and foremost. If you love and respect yourself, then the right man will come along when the time in right. Don't be in such a rush. Bottom line, view this as a learning experience. Take the knowledge you have gained from this experience and learn from it. I know change can be scary, but believe me, you will be better off in the end. And remember, there are PoF in the sea!!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 84 (view)

Met a user on here that is HIV+ Posted: 1/21/2009 8:25:10 PM
I was just rereading your initial post nikomohawk and things sound a little fishy to me. You joined here on November 28, posted on December 1 that you went out with this woman over a two week period. Hmmm....how is that possible? Also, if you weren't sexually intimate, why would you be so concerned? If all you did was kiss, then the likelihood of you transmitting the disease is very low. If you were indeed intimate, then this may be a hard lesson learned, that you should always take precautions when being intimate with someone. Engaging in unprotected sex is irresponsible and contributes to the spread of this pandemic. If you can't do the responsible thing, then get out of the bedroom, you obviously don't have the maturity to deal with this sort of intimacy.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 81 (view)

Met a user on here that is HIV+ Posted: 1/21/2009 7:39:44 PM
Turth is YES.. you can contact the HIV virus thru kissing.. the chances are incredibly unlikely, but the possibility is still there... all it takes is a canker sore in your mouth, or bleeding gums.. any point a body fluid can contact you and get into your bloodstream. Thank you, perdoo!! I'm glad someone on here does realize you CAN get HIV from kissing, although the chances are low. I worked in healthcare as a caregiver for nearly 13 years, so I'm aware of the risks. Boy, you know, despite the birth of the information age, it still amazes me how uninformed some people can be. And now, to address your question. Yes, if she is indeed HIV+ and knew prior to your involvement with her (before the dating relationship began), then that was very dishonest of her to do. If the circumstances are exactly as you described, I don't know if there is any legal recourse you can take. The best way to find out is to consult a lawyer. All I can say is be more careful next time. If it makes you feel better, ask potential partners to get tested and show you proof that they are STD-fre before you are intimate with them, even kissing. Take care and be safe! Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 79 (view)

Met a user on here that is HIV+ Posted: 1/21/2009 7:07:34 PM
While that is a very sad thing.........not really my problem. I have been careful and totally aware of who and what I was doing my whole life. I didn't EVER throw caution to the wind. It's very unfortunate that someone with HIV might have to spend the rest of their life alone, but this is from choices that they made. To be honest it probably wouldn't matter if the person told me sooner or later...........I would be gone. Call me shallow, rude, mean, or what ever, but I have been very careful in my sexual relations and am not willing to change on that. Kirota, I think it is unfair to say that "someone with HIV might have to spend the rest of their life alone, because of the choices that they made." Just because someone is HIV+, doesn't mean they are a bad person or lack good decision making skills. Take ForumFilly for example. Her husband contracted it from a blood transfusion. That doesn't mean he was a bad person or made bad decisions, just unlucky.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

I don't get this ladies Posted: 1/21/2009 6:21:24 PM
Its a come-on, they are showing you they are interested and are flirting with you. So next time, chase away!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

what is a guy suppose to do. Posted: 1/21/2009 5:48:35 PM
Another idea, volunteer at a animal shelter walking dogs or something. That would certainly look good for you if you were chatting with a woman and talking about some of your interests or work related stuff. I mean, a man who volunteers at an animal shelter, that would definitely score you some points. Also, If you don't have a dog, that would be a way you would have access to one (if you don't know someone with a dog). Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

what is a guy suppose to do. Posted: 1/21/2009 5:43:07 PM
My suggestion, this just won't work with most women. I myself wouldn't go have coffee with you if I just met you on the street 10 minutes ago. In th is day and age, you can't be too careful. I would suggest trying to meet women in a more secure setting. Such as taking a cooking class for example. But just cruising for chicks sounds kinda juvenile, reminds me of high school. Come on, are we all still 16? Another suggestion, if you have a dog, that seems to endear women to you more, at least IMO. So if you have a dog, great. Make a habit of taking it to the park or on walks downtown. Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Knowing when to shut up… Posted: 1/21/2009 4:58:55 PM
Actually, I think the key to a good relationship is communication. That is, being able to tell the other person to shut the fvck and breathe! LOL....I agree with passthemuster wholeheartedly!! Happy fishing, Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

24/7 Availabilty Posted: 1/21/2009 4:53:16 PM
We live in the cellular and wireless age where nobody is unreachable, but I wonder if this is really a good thing or a bad thing? The benefit of technology is that it is supposed to make your life easier, which it does. How you choose to use it is the key. If you treat it like a ball and chain, where you become its prisoner, then yes, that can be a bad thing. But the nice thing about phones, you can set them to silent, turn them off, take them off the hook, so you aren't bound to your phone. You choose to leave it on, so I don't think its an evil thing. Sounds like you need to cut the cord sometimes. If it is because of work, let them know that if they don't hear from you within a certain time frame, to try back, not call incessantly. That is just insane. If it is someone you are dating, or friends and family, set the same sort of rules. Now if this is someone you are dating, that seems kinda overboard, scary in fact. In that case, I say RUN!! No, I think technology in general is a good thing, makes our lives much easier. However, if you choose to misuse it, then there is no one to blame but yourself. Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Is she just guarding her heart? Posted: 1/21/2009 4:04:27 PM
Really, why would you question whether you should try to improve your financial situation and try to be more responsible? That only benefits you in the long run. Even if you pursue this and as you put it, your best wasn't good enough , you still have the added benefit that you are better off financially. Is it that you just don't want to put in the effort and just expect her to come back to you without changing? Remember, you broke up for a reason. Obviously, things weren't working the first time. And my view on that is, if it didn't work the first time, what makes you think that unless there is a lot that changes (on both sides), that it will be any different the second time around? And being in a better financial situation can be something that attracts some women, so I don't see the conflict in why you are questioning doing this. Just because you can't guarantee that this will win your ex back (there are no guarantees in life), doesn't mean you shouldn't do this for yourself. You will be glad you did in the long run, believe me. Anyway, sorry if it sounds like I'm lecturing or being mean. I am just trying to tell you that in the long run, if you choose not to put the effort into improving your current situation, the only one you will be hurting is yourself. But to answer your question, is she trying to protect herself by telling you that she can't make any promises? I don't know, maybe. The only way you are going to know that for sure is if you ask her. Another possibility is that she is genuinely interested in trying to work things out with you. Or she could be trying to let you down gently. Hard to really say. What do your instincts about the situation tell you? Trust them, your first instincts are usually right. Hope this helps and everything works out. Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 73 (view)

WHY DO MEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU, BUT NOT DATE YOU? Posted: 1/21/2009 3:17:32 PM
OP: All you are to him is a booty call. He has done nothing wrong, but continue the FWB relationship you BOTH willingly initiated. If you no longer are satisfied with that arrangement, that is fine. But you need to find a tactful way to get your point across to him. So, as MikeM1968 suggested, saying something to the effect of [/"The sex is great, and I really like you, but I need to spend time doing other things with you too"] is a great way to get the point across, without coming off like a b****. Unfortunately, if you are searching for more with this guy, I feel that's very unlikely. He knows he can "get the milk for free," so to speak, so why bother with the relationship stuff? If you are searching for more than a FWB relationship (if you can call it that), then you should just cut your losses and find a new guy that will respect you and treat you good. You don't need someone who doesn't respect you, and makes you feel cheap, or like a second-class citizen. And as Seaandsun11 said, [/"strong, intelligent women know how to say no and they realize that men are nice to have around, but they don't necessarily need one if the right one doesn't come along."] So stand up for yourself, and be the strong woman I know you are!! Hope things work out. If not, always remember, there's more fish in the sea. Happy fishing!! Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 52 (view)

Have any of you found an ex on this site? Posted: 1/21/2009 1:44:16 PM
Ironically, yes, I have seen former bf's on here. In fact, today when I did a search of people in my area , one of them popped up in the search. This is the second ex I've seen on this site, who ironically enough, I met through another dating site. We are still friends and chat from time to time on yahoo, so it wasn't weird seeing his profile today. But I did consider sending him a message to say hi and welcome to PoF. Last time I talked to him, he asked me if I could recommend a site. Of course, I recommended PoF, its the best dating site around IMO.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 149 (view)

Would you date someone who HAD cancer? Posted: 1/21/2009 12:28:32 PM
Hi everyone, I know its been a while since there have been any posts on this thread, but I just had to reply. I haven't been on PoF in a long time, so that's the reason for my inactivity on this thread. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I totally agree with Regal Rose . Having cancer or a history of cancer should not be a reason not to date someone. None of us can foresee the future, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. So choosing to date or not date someone solely on the fact that they have cancer or a history of cancer is just assinine. We shouldn't waste what little time we have on this earth. Also, choosing not to date because you feel people pity you isn't any way to live either. When I hear of someone's cancer tale, be it their own or how a friend or family member's cancer impacted them, I feel empathy and compassion. I think most people do. So don't worry about people feeling sorry for you or about how you may look after chemo. Looks are only skin deep. It whats on the inside that matters. Plus, if you are worried about your hair, buying a wig is always a possibility. However, personally, I think the bald look is sexy. Another thing I wanted to say is that realentlessheart's story really touched me and I wanted to make a comment and share my experience. Although I know she thought she was saving you from the heartache of losing her later (the ultimate sacrifice IMO), I feel at the same time that was kinda selfish of her. She should of allowed you to make that decision, or at least discuss it with you. I truly believe having a stong support systems is crucial in one's health and wonder sometimes if I didn't have all my family and friends around to support me, if things would of turned out differently. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make. I must admit, that thought of breaking up with my boyfriend to spare him never occurred to me. When I was diagnosed with the ovarian cancer in January of 2003, I was devastated. It was a rare form that wouldn't of responded to chemo, so my only option was surgery. I had to have surgery to remove the tumors and a second one to remove all my female parts. So I can't have kids. When I knew what the options were, my first thought was, well, what man is going to want me now? I can't have kids and I'm going to have this HUGE scar. At the time, I had just started dating this great man and was afraid this might scare him off. We had barely been together 3 weeks when I ended up in the emergency room. When he found out, he was very supportive, spent all his time outside of work and class with me in the hospital. In fact, that was where he first told me he loved me. Although the relationship ended after a year and a half (we kinda grew apart), I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything. I shudder to think what my life would be like without having had him in my life. I truly treasure the time I spent with him and the experiences we shared, even though we are no longer a couple. And despite everything, I wouldn't change what happened. I've always been a very strong person, but I think the experience with cancer made me even stronger, and made me realize how strong I actually was. If I can deal with cancer, I can handle anything. So if a man doesn't want me because of my cancer history, then its HIS loss, not mine. Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

Plentyoffish sucks Posted: 12/18/2005 3:21:55 AM
I totally agree with da1udesire.....I think PoF is one of the absolute best free sites around. I think that PoF has the best members, they are not a bunch of pervs like wbdate. If you think wbdate is so great, then why don't you go hang out with them and leave us alone?!? I wholly agree with what da1udesire said, that your personality attracts certain types of people....and if you think wbdate is so much better, then you are just like the rest of them at wbdate! Really, what is keeping you here?? Just go back to w*bdate and leave us BORING people alone!!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

Have any of you found an ex on this site? Posted: 12/18/2005 2:59:07 AM
Whatever Corey....you can bad mouth me if you want, but I know the truth....you're the crazy one and I'm not the only one who thinks so....just take a look at people's attitudes and responses to you in the forums.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Have any of you found an ex on this site? Posted: 8/13/2005 3:45:41 AM
Yeah, I actually found my most recent ex's profile here on plentyoffish.com. He joined this site not long before I did, after we broke up, so I found that kinda weird that we both joined the same dating site after our breakup. However, in my case I had absolutely no desire to contact him, since things ended badly between us (he stalked me on the internet, etc.) But I agree with what Big Bunny and coastergal said, think about why the relationship ended in the first place and who did the breaking up, to determine whether it is really worth opening that can of worms.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Stood Up! What's with guy's these days? Posted: 7/22/2005 7:11:24 AM
Yeah, I'm aware its a Canadian site.....it just seems that this and another site I've been visiting recently both seem to have a lot of men from Canada on them or a lot of seemingly pretty decent men...at least most I've chatted with. Its also just an impression I got while browsing profiles, not saying its true, it was just an something I noticed.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Stood Up! What's with guy's these days? Posted: 7/22/2005 6:27:42 AM
I agree with you iluvmonkeys2 and gotapulse.....people today just don't give a cr*p. Although I've never been stood up, I know what you mean.....I know a lot of people who have. Whats happened to common decency???? Speaking of decency, it seems all the decent guys I've chatted with through this site are from Canada.....whats up with that??? Have all the decent men in this world moved to Canada????

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 50 (view)

Are you interested in a guy for who he is, or for what he can become? Posted: 7/22/2005 4:19:40 AM
kimberleymorey: I totally agree with what you said.....I couldn't of said it better myself!! "I think we love our men because of who they are now....and who they may become... When someone changes too much it upsets us...we wonder why it is that they are no longer the person we married. In reality, unless you both remain completley stagnant, every person you encounter over time should change. So, I would say that I love the man for who he was, who he is, and what he will become... and I would hope that throughout my growth, that he would stick by me as well." Personally, I am interested and fall in love with a man because of who he is, not who I think he can become or what I want him to become.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Someone please hear my cry. Posted: 7/22/2005 3:34:06 AM
And I totally agree with sparklepants!! Kudos.....I couldn't of said it better myself!! Especially about being attracted to the same sort of person......you mentioned you've been out of the dating scene for over a year.....did you take any of that time to analyze yourself and what you really want out of a relationship? That is one of the first steps in finding someone you are truly compatible with....is truly knowing yourself first and the type of person you are seeking. Hope things improve.....you are too young to be so disillusioned when it comes to love!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Someone please hear my cry. Posted: 7/22/2005 3:26:15 AM
tjstaar1 is right....you need to be careful and know what to watch out for first, before you can learn to avoid it.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

Am setting myself up for a broken heart? Posted: 7/18/2005 11:09:26 PM
Glad to hear it is working out iceplanet9!!!

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 66 (view)

Would you date someone who HAD cancer? Posted: 7/17/2005 6:50:49 AM
Yes, I have read all the posts on this thread, since I have been posting responses on here from the beginning. I can see where you are coming from, it is somewhat irresponsible to take such an unecessary risk when it seems the recommended treatment in her case, (the removal of a lump along with radiation and chemo), would result in a favorable outcome. Especially when you have a child who is dependent on you. However, if the cancer was more widespread, rather than just the one lump, then other non-traditional treatments might be the best option, or a combination. It really depends on the situation. Sometimes traditional therapies are best, other times non-traditional ones. But, in the end, it is her decision and to jump all over her was wrong, no matter how strongly you may feel. Brilliantlight may feel she is doing what is best for herself, but only time will tell.....

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 65 (view)

Would you date someone who HAD cancer? Posted: 7/17/2005 5:59:26 AM
[When someone has breast cancer and the removal of a lump with radiation and chemo has proven to have a high success rate, why take the risk?]/ Okay Mr. M.....I will agree that in that situation, there is no reason to take any unecessary risk. But brilliantlight has the right to decide what treatment to choose......it is her body, her decision.....and for you to attack her because of her decision is wrong.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Am setting myself up for a broken heart? Posted: 7/17/2005 5:09:58 AM
Yes, I couldn't agree more Rebecca101....it sound like too much drama iceplanet9. As Rebecca101 pointed out, ask yourself if you want to have to prove your love constantly. Someone with such serious trust and abandonment issues is always going to be hot and cold like that. And really, someone with serious trust issues needs to overcome or deal with those issues before getting into any serious relationship, because these issues will hinder any relationship they enter into, eventually sabotaging it. Anyway, my advice to you is that if you don't mind having to constantly assure her of your love, then by all means, pursue this relationship. However, as I advised before, tread catiously. If this is something that doesn't correct itself early on in the relationship, then obviously she doesn't have confidence or trust in you and the relationship and you should seriously re-evaluate whether or not you can deal with her hot and cold attitude for the long haul. Ask yourself, can you deal with her doubting or questioning your loyalty, faithfulness, committment, etc. to her on a regular basis? I can assure that she will. I have been in a relationship very similiar to yours, very recently in fact. Although I loved the man, I came to the conclusion that I just could not deal with his wavering faith and trust in me. Hope this and my previous suggestions are of help to you. If you need more suggestions, feel free to give me a holler! Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Hello my new favorite singles site. Posted: 7/17/2005 4:35:34 AM
Yes, I agree with you Craig, this site does feel personal, instead of like some corporate institution. I was never a member of American Singles, but have been a member of other sites, and so I can relate. And I've never used a paid site, since I think it is ridiculous to charge for that. Romance and love is something shared between two people, and is not something to be preyed upon by zealous corporations looking to line their pockets. Well, I'll get off my soapbox now. Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

~ Are There Different Degrees of Trust in A Relationship ~ Posted: 7/17/2005 4:17:20 AM
Yes, I feel it is important to find a middle ground when it comes to trust....I tend to trust everyone right off the bat too.....but I've learned to find a balance. You can't trust everyone 100 percent right off or mistrust everyone, because then you'd never be happy. For example, when I am in a new relationship, I don't automatically trust my new partner completely with no reservations. Basically, take things with a grain of salt. Complete trust has to be earned.....so I will give them the benefit of the doubt so to speak, by trusting them (not completely), until complete trust can be earned. And trusting yourself and your instincts is important too. Usually, we have a little voice inside us that tells us when someone is lying to us or trying to take advantage of us, something called intuition. I am a very intuitive person and tend to listen to my little voice. It is this that has helped me find a balance when it comes to trusting people. I don't know if this is making much sense to anyone, I'm a little sleep deprived right now (been up for 26 hours), but that's basically my way of finding a balance when it comes to trusting people.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 64 (view)

Would you date someone who HAD cancer? Posted: 7/17/2005 3:49:50 AM
I totally agree with Indigo, brilliantlight.....treatment should be YOUR choice. And yes, chemo can permanently damage one's heart, kidneys, and weaken your immune system. As you mentioned earlier brilliantlight, chemo kills both healthy and cancerous cells. From the research I've done and from my experiences with cancer, I think you are right brilliantlight when you say that cancer is an immune system problem. In my experience, I have seen a friend overcome cancer (she refused chemo) simply by doing what brilliantlight is doing. I've also seen a family friend die of cancer while going through chemo, something which I'm grateful wasn't an option for me. I work in health care and I've seen this many times, those seeking non-traditional treatments surviving while those seeking traditional treatments die. And as was mentioned earlier, even doctors who get cancer often opt for more non-traditional methods of treatment. And to Mr. M: Who are you to instantly reject these treatment options as ineffective?? Modern science is learning more and more everyday about some of these so called non-traditional therapies and finding them quite effective in curing various diseases. And to attack brilliantlight for her choices, which have absolutely nothing to do with you, is just plain wrong. And to accuse brilliantlight of not thinking about her child.....now that's just getting nasty. What good mother doesn't constantly think about how her choices impact her children? Their children are their #1 priority and they sacrifice what they have to at times, for the sake of their children. These forums are meant to discuss various issues, not to attack people and their views or choices they've made in their lives. If you can't play nice, then maybe you should leave the playground Mr. M. shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 51 (view)

Giving up? Posted: 7/17/2005 2:17:19 AM
Couldn't of said it better myself Knight_Rider!!!! Being alone does suck and I'd rather have the love of a good man opposed to being alone. So I'm not giving up, I'm sure Mr. Right will come along eventually, so I'm gonna keep fishing.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Introduce Yourself Here. Posted: 7/16/2005 2:49:56 AM
My name is Shannon, age 33. I live in Moscow and am looking for friends, and hopefully a man to become my best friend. I enjoy reading, writing, arts & crafts, swimming, biking, camping, and other outdoor activities. Also, I am a Moscow native.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Hello everyone Posted: 7/16/2005 2:38:23 AM
Hi, Just wanted to introduce myself to the forums. I am new to POF and love it already. I think it is the best singles site around. Anyway......I am 33, single....looking for a man to be my best friend and eventually settle down with. I live in northern Idaho and would love to hear from any Idahoans.....or anyone for that matter. Happy fishing everyone...... Shanny

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

I'm New And Looking :) Posted: 7/16/2005 2:24:22 AM
Hi there Ryan, Welcome to POF!!! Best of luck finding your special girl.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

~ Are There Different Degrees of Trust in A Relationship ~ Posted: 7/16/2005 2:20:53 AM
[Trust is another very strong form of Love.....................and When it is there between two people ...it is a wonderful stressless feeling] I totally agree with you DragonRed.

shanny626

Joined: 7/13/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Hello my new favorite singles site. Posted: 7/16/2005 2:16:42 AM
Hi Craig, Yes, I have to agree this is the best singles site I've tried. I've tried Match.com, webdate, friendfinder.com, and a few others. This is by far the best. I've only been a member for less than a week, but I love it. I love the forums, they are great!!! BTW....nice profile.

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