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 Author Thread: Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:54:50 PM
Well, I’ll tell y’all something that turns out to be important. I met my sweaty, for the first time, during a cold rain in a parking lot near her home.

We hugged a lot in that cold rain, then went to her home for a couple hours and soon left for my home for a week.

Yeah, our first date lasted a week!

So did our second date.

After that, we were sort of insupportable. Still are, actually.

“Life Without Rules,”?

Our “rule” seems only to be what is best for the other. For sure, I feel that way. I wish to make her happy.

We are both “older” and have been around that preverbal block a few times. Hell, you can always find something wrong, if you are looking hard.

Love came only because we both know that we can adjust some -- and that we want to, for many reasons.

Point is that there are no rules and laws for love. It’s all what you find and where you find it. Rules do not apply.
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Getting ready (together) for the Holidays
Posted: 1/2/2009 6:06:41 PM
You’re right, Mardrake. . . .

When I entered her living room last time there were three different little helicopters flying around and two of the kids were getting quite good at it. But, yeah, I did get strafed a few times. Her dog and cats were VERY interested in watching the things fly, too.

The drive back and forth was between snows and warm. Nonetheless most trips have been like "survival camp" every trip this winter. LOL

This last time was “pea soup” type fog both ways . . . along with some massive thunderstorms and heavy rains. So, the three hour drive one way turned out to be nearly six hours.

But, here we are, yet again, for another couple weeks. . . .

This trip, there’re be little or no shopping, but we need the rest after the holidays.
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Getting ready (together) for the Holidays
Posted: 12/17/2008 2:52:00 PM
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Well, well . . . ain’t this an interesting development: She sends me to cook and then plays on my network writing stuff about me. . .

Okay, I give up, where the hell did the remote to my helicopters go?


So, okay, there may be some nuggets of truth in the OP’s post. Just “some” though. Yeah, the tree sort of crashed. Yep, we went shopping a few times. And, of course, she’s here for a week or so before we start our New Year’s holiday together. Hopefully, the leek soup will be good, too. Never mind the massage oil remark, though. . . .

Truth be told, we’re having a fun week together again. And, yeah, we are both looking forward to an even longer time together after Christmas.

My New Years resolution is to work on that distance problem.

.
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 365 (view)
 
Is sex as important to you as it once was?
Posted: 12/17/2008 7:27:17 AM
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It wasn’t before, for many years.

However . . . ahem . . . circumstances changed. . . .

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Exclusive dating vs. Open dating
Posted: 12/12/2008 4:50:32 PM
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In the past, I have always called such a relationship “Just Friends” and left it at that. If I’m “dating” someone, it is exclusive. Else, I’d be out of there pronto.

Point is, when I am investing time and energy in a relationship with a woman it’s because I would be looking towards a future relationship with her -- considering it, anyway. Therefore, sharing is out of the question, even from the beginning. Otherwise, I might just as well call any of the gals from the old gang I grew up with to go out running around with.

To my way of thinking, if they do not know that you are dating others, that would be the lie of omission. There’s probably no reason to name names. But, in all fairness, you should make it clear to both of them that they are not the only one in your life at the moment.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 89 (view)
 
He Thinks She's Hot.. She Thinks He's Hot - Do you Know You're Hot?
Posted: 12/11/2008 7:07:01 PM
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Probably, no one has ever mistaken me for being “hot” . . . lol

Really, there’s not a big market with the gals for a guy built like a heavyweight boxer (soon to be built like a light-heavyweight boxer because I’m getting too old to carry this weight).

Generally speaking, I’ve never been interested in dating anyone who thinks she is “hot” stuff. I’ve always been much more attracted by attitude and intelligence than flash. However, that sort of changed somewhat a few months ago and I met a great looking woman who also has a beautiful attitude and plenty of intelligence. And, the best part is, I get to keep her. . . .

Anyway, I never thought of myself as being one to decide who’s hot and who’s not. I think there is a lot of truth in the old saying that, ”Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Everyone is beautiful/handsome to someone.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
My best friend is a guy - how does that affect men I might date?
Posted: 12/7/2008 4:34:27 AM
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This is an interesting question, especially from an adult woman who has been married:


My bf and I were invited to attend a party at my friend's home and went and had a good time but my bf thought my friend was a bit flirty and that I returned the flirts and enjoyed the attention.

GUYS -- here is my question -- is the relationship with my friend going to interfere with my dating life or potential serious relationships? or are guys okay with other platonic relationships? Is it possible to have both?


My best friend is the most important person in my life. She deserves, and receives all of my attention and is the person I confide in more than anyone else. And yeah, if I feel the need to “talk about” her, I will discusses her with her -- new concept, eh?

So, OP, how do you think you would feel if you were in a budding love relationship and the guy offered to introduce you to another single woman he says is his best friend? I’m sure that would brighten up your day, huh.

If someone told me that, I would simply wish them luck together . . . as I was quietly meandering off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. After all, how many guys do you think you can have a “very close relationship” with at the same time?

Let’s face it, you will find very few serious guys who are into sharing -- and those who say that is acceptable usually have a gal “best friend” or two in the background as an alternate squeeze.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Why do guys start in on the sex thing at first meet or date?
Posted: 12/6/2008 5:27:12 PM
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Excuse me if I chuckle, Counselor, but it takes two. Tell us, how did you lead the conversation during the evening? That is, to answer correctly, we would need some idea of both your style of flirting and the type of open-ended questions you were asking.

On the other hand, based on your profile, one would get the impression any of that type of conversation would be out of place because all you seem to be looking for is an occasional companion for an evening function.

Many of us play to attitude and intellect. This means, if you do not match the person depicted in your profile, the guy will either be disappointed or he may switch gears to match the instant attitude displayed by the person in front of him.

Don’t blame it on on-line dating, though. I’ve been on the Internet since it started and have met many very nice people. But, there is a wide cross section of society on here, so the same caveats apply as in normal life.

In other words, get your “picker” fixed because due diligence is as important here as anyplace else.

I for one never dated from the Internet -- that is, until recently, when I finally found someone I am very comfortable with.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Help...!!!!
Posted: 11/26/2008 4:57:53 AM
.

The best question to ask when someone is fooling around like that is, Where’s the exit?

Then, for your own self-respect and psychological well-being, get the hell out of there.

Well . . . unless you are one of those people who are into sharing, that is.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 73 (view)
 
privacy within a relationship
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:00:56 PM
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Yeah . . . “playing snoop detective on all my computers” . . . That actually could prove rather enlightening, if she went too far back.

Actually, I thought about that while she was spending hours on my network doing some of her own stuff -- and I think that I even mentioned that any computer on my network can read files on any other computer.

Ahem . . . yeah . . . well . . . in for a dime in for a dollar, I told myself early on. Then I remembered that I had already told her that I had written a couple steamy stories that I will not be publishing -- and most certainly not under my usual pen name. lol

Anyway, not much “snooping” to be done around here. Everything is easy to find and all files are well labeled. E-mail starts automatically and no passwords are needed. She knows my only password, anyway -- but nothing (not even PoF) requires it. Of course, she has been the only other person on my network in a few years, so I don’t need any protections.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
privacy within a relationship
Posted: 11/23/2008 7:52:14 PM
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Bucsgirl slams it out of the park yet again!


I am one of those that has nothing to hide. If I were involved I'd allow my SO access to all my online email accounts/profile, etc. It would be up to him how often or even if he wanted to access my account/s. My friends know this and it's never posed a problem. The type of convos I have with them I'd have if we were all together in person. I also don't do or say anything when I'm not with an SO that I wouldn't do or say if he were there.
Exactly true with me. . . . Except, I would change the word “allow” to encourage.

Excuse me, folks, but what do I have to hide? I WANT my sweetie to know everything about me. Yeah, fancy that, eh?

Okay, if she had a journal, would I read it? Probably not. But, that is because, in a close, loving relationship, I’m betting that I would know everything that was in it, anyway. There would be no need -- or real desire -- for me to read it.

And, like Bucs said above, I’ve very open and everything here is available to her anytime. Three computers are available to her to read what she wishes -- no passwords needed here, every place I go boots up automatically. The cell phone will usually be sitting next to hers on the endtable charging. Better yet, so is the bill, listing all calls made and received for the past month. I have never “texted” anyone, so there is nothing of interest on my phone.

Would I look at her stuff? Nope. Well, probably not, anyway. But, that’s because I expect her to tell me everything that is going on, just as I do with her.

I do not want to “own” my Sweetie. That’s a silly concept. But, I do want to “share” everything with her. That certainly includes thoughts and ideas.

On the other hand, I’m talking about being in a close and loving relationship here, with one special woman. For all others, I can be a very private person.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Friendship with a married man.. good idea or bad?
Posted: 11/23/2008 7:01:51 PM
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I noticed the correct answer given often in here. One says it clearly:


Who needs someone else to assure them they did the right thing when breaking off anykind of a relationship with a married man? Why even go there to begin with?


Yeah . . . why are you playing with the forbidden fruit? You know better than that!

Later, you wrote:
I liked him very much and became very attached to him.
So, your marriage was broken because of cheating and you feel free to entice a married man? Shame on you!

Most women I know are married and many are friends I grew up with. But, I am also friends with their husbands. Which means, I would do nothing with them without the knowledge of their husband – excepting the occasional e-mails with a specific topic.

And now, because I am in a great relationship with someone very special, there is no way I would be doing anything with any woman outside of my family without her knowing all the details.

It’s called honor and respect. I honor and respect other people’s marriage/relationships just as well as I will honor my own and respect my Sweetie.


And Machiavel31: You have a lot of growing up to do yet.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
What's the opposite of writers block? How do you deal with it?
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:31:06 PM
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Local to me lives a rather famous novelist who has written many best selling crime novels. He happens to be a friend of one of my brother-in-laws and I met him in a pub one afternoon. Except, I was writing about real political crime for our newspaper and doing political op-eds, all with a pen name. And, of course, he was introduced to me by his real name. This means that, neither of us knew that we had been reading the other.

Later, someone mentioned my pen name and his interest perked up quickly because I knew quite a lot about the political misdeeds around here back then. When I mentioned that I was also interested in writing fiction, we schedualed a couple lunches together to trade information.

He “interviews” characters before writing a novel and then sets the opening. Each has a unique personality. Thereafter, his characters do what they are going to do and he describes himself as one who is watching and recording, more than a writer.

I tried that in a novel I’m working on and things just zip along without a problem. Not everything happens quite the way I had wished, but we’ll get to the desired result eventually, I hope.

Writing for “deadline” for me means a 750 word op-ed. I’ve written so many political op-eds over the years that I can sit down and write one anytime and have never even came close to missing a deadline. Sometimes, I’ve written three in an afternoon, just to free myself up for the rest of the week.

My problem is that once I get started, I get in a groove and don’t want to stop. For instance, when I sit down and start writing on the novel, I can go for hours at a time, often neglecting other things I should be doing.

Yup, the characters have a mind of their own and sometimes do unexpected things. That’s what makes it so interesting writing fiction.

Of course, the art of writing is rewriting and I’ve become rather good at that, too. I didn’t develop my fiction “voice” until the middle of the novel. So, I had to rewrite the first half again.

Editing in op-eds is removing your favorite sentence when you notice that it doesn’t really belong there. Oh . . . and keeping the word count.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
 
She's gone, the EX won
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:06:10 AM
.

Actually, it sounds boring to me to be checking out a list of numbers on a phone. However, if I happened to want someone’s number that I knew was on the phone, I would look there for it. Anyway, my phone bill comes with a list of every call made and received for the month and is sitting on the table for all to see. Should I hide that, too? lol

And, as far as “personal space” goes . . . well, if I am in a warm and close relationship, I think by definition that I would be sharing all that is life with her. Which means that my personal space is her space to share. If something is going on in her life, I’m interested and want to know about it -- just as I hope that she is interested enough to care about everything happening with me.

Sure, I know that some people feel the need to hide stuff from their partner. “Privacy,” they call it. I’m not like that, though. In a warm and caring relationship, I think that all thoughts and experiences should be shared. Therefore, as for me, nothing will be withheld or hidden from the one I love. On the other hand, I am a very private person where everyone else in concerned.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
She's gone, the EX won
Posted: 11/21/2008 5:41:47 PM
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I realized after she would'nt answer my questions about her EX that it was over, but just did'nt want to believe it


This is somewhat common. When you are in a relationship and your partner will not tell you all about anyone else (especially single datable ones) present in their life, that is a very definite sign that you are in for major problems. If they do not volunteer the information and truthfully answer your questions candidly, chances are very good that something is up. Or, at the very least, they are holding others in reserve in case things don’t work out with you.


I am hurting very bad but I know I have done the right thing


Yeah, well, that’s understandable. But, you have to realize that you did exactly the correct thing. She was dishonorable, lied by omission, and did not make a good partner in a close relationship.

Now, go forth and enjoy life, never to speak of that one again.



ps to JulietJuliet:

What the hell is wrong with looking at your partner’s cell phone?? What . . . suddenly that’s a big secret, or something? My sweetie is welcome to browse my cell phone, e-mail, or whatever, any time she wishes. Why not? I don’t get your point at all. When you are in a close, caring relationship, everything should be open to the other.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 274 (view)
 
Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 11/21/2008 4:02:44 PM
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Absolutely, that is cheating.

Anything you would not do when your partner is standing next to you is cheating. Otherwise, you have a piss-poor relationship. That type of behavior also demonstrates a total lack of respect.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 335 (view)
 
Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 11/19/2008 7:59:59 PM
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She can read my e-mail anytime she wishes. That is certainly not a problem for me. Rather, I would think that the more she knows about me the better it is.

Fact is, I won’t be doing anything in e-mail, or anyplace else for that matter, that I would not feel comfortable doing if she were next to me and holding my hand.

So, when she is here, she can use any one of the three computers that are on line and read anything on them she wishes on them. She is welcome to anything here, as a matter of fact.

If I didn’t feel that way, she wouldn’t be with me. I don’t call that a “trust” thing, or anything like that. If you are in a good, close relationship, there should be complete openness between the partners. Simply put, if that complete openness is not there -- both ways -- it is not yet a good relationship. Therefore, I will do my part by being completely open about everything.

Actually, I believe that pertains to everything we do. In a close relationship, omission is just as big of a lie as any other type of deception. We shouldn’t hide anything from the one we love. And we certainly should not be involved in any type relationships the one we love would not approve of -- not if we have any respect for them, anyway. So, yeah, e-mail should also be open.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
Posted: 11/19/2008 7:25:48 PM
.


Do you agree that absence makes your heart grow fonder or have you found the opposite?


Nope, don’t agree at all. My heart is already pretty fond. Absence, then, makes a longing for more of all those very nice days we spent together.

Ah well . . . that’s what happens when you live a three hour drive apart. On the other hand, we are both retired and so, when we do get together, we are together for days at a time.

It won’t be long . . . we’ll soon be working something out that will be best for both of us. Because we both want that, it shall happen.

Meanwhile, though, yup, I got spoiled with all that very comfortable togetherness and want more. So, yeah, it’s the longing. . . .

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 679 (view)
 
Why do women date mutiple guys at once?
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:36:59 PM
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Some people crave a lot of attention. It’s as simple as that.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Is this right Or am I wrong
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:33:24 PM
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Why would you want to rant about a bad relationship? If she was fooling around on you the proper action would be to quietly walk off into the sunset and forget about her. Why even talk with her again? She’s certainly not friend material.

Any time you see that a gal you are serious about has guys from her past popping up into her present you can be damn sure she is the one encouraging it. That goes for meeting new guys, too. It takes two to make any type of friendship/relationship, so if there are any other datable guys around her, I would consider her to be still shopping and simply back away from her.

When lying and cheating are concerned, walk away from the relationship and don’t look back. However, I think the honorable way of doing that is to do it quietly, without mentioning it to anyone. Ignore everything about her and go about enjoying life.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Do I ever miss physical touch!
Posted: 11/17/2008 6:59:58 PM
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Are you content to go through life without ever feeling the velvet stroke of warm skin on yours?


Yeah I was, sort of. Sure, I probably wasn’t happy about it, but under the circumstances, I considered it my fate and concentrated on other things in life I could do well.

Oh sure, I hugged people with greetings & such. But that’s hardly the same as a loving touch of a real relationship.

Now, things have changed considerably in that I have met someone who is every bit as affectionate as I can be with the right person.

However, if something happened to the relationship, I suppose I would revert right back to the way I was and live the rest of my life that way.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
My profile; too cutting edge for my own good?
Posted: 11/16/2008 9:21:36 PM
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I kind of agree with Bucsgirl and Serenity here. Get a couple good photos and clean up a few things..

Post doc with a JD, eh? Well . . . if that is true, then you should know that you cannot get away with the same humor in writing as you might in person. For instance, we have some legal-eagles here who know that even the perception of “making moonshine” can get your ticket jerked for a year.

Nope, the profile is hardly “cutting edge.” Rather, it reeks of someone just playing around, somewhat -- not really serious. Although, I would certainly keep some of the writing that is factual.

The profile is an advertisement that presents you to the woman you wish to meet. If nothing else, it should relate truth. Play in it if you want, just remember that many people will disregard it when they do not understand some of the parts.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 284 (view)
 
approaching women in public
Posted: 11/16/2008 6:27:56 PM
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It’s hard for me to understand why a polite person who presents themselves properly should find it a problem to talk with anyone in public. Note, though, that I qualified that by saying “a polite person who presents themselves properly.”

A man (and a lady) should have two important qualities that they practice religiously:

First, they should say what they mean and mean what they say. In other words, their word must be good in all matters whatsoever.

Second, they must be of good reputation. That is, don’t look and act like a player in public and be polite with everyone you meet. To me, that also means no frivolous flirting. Save that stuff for when you actually intend to attract someone.

When a guy presents himself that way to a woman in public, chances are excellent she will respond positively and politely and a conversation will begin.

For instance, I was at a large grocery store on a rainy day last spring leisurely looking around for salad stuff when I spied a heavyset rather old woman looking into a large cardboard box of melons that was on the floor. When I glanced over, I noticed there were only a few left in the bottom of the box and there was no way in hell that woman could bend well enough to reach over to get one. So, I simply asked which one she wanted and retrieved it for her.

Well, a nice looking younger woman had the same idea and a moment later came up to tell me so. That started a short conversation, and we went out separate ways. However, I then met her going the opposite direction in the first three isles and we greeted each other again. But, in the third isle she commented that I didn’t have much in my cart and asked if I was looking for something. I wasn’t; and told her that I was just walking all the isles because it was cool and wet outside. She said to walk with her some, then, and we could talk.

Well, there are many of us who shop in the same places at nearly the same times each week. And, often we stop to chat a little along the way. I don’t care who is married and who isn’t because I have absolutely no intention of hitting on them. We talk in the market much the same as I talk to most of the women living in my apartment building.

But, there came a day when I had to drive my brother to the store. He rides an electric cart and is rather slow, so I was done quickly and went to the little café to have a coffee and read some while waiting for him.

Well . . . in walks the friend mentioned above with a guy. She sent him off somewhere and got a coffee and sat down and joined me for a chat. A little later the guy returned, whom she introduced as her husband. He also got a coffee and sat down. His introduction was: “So you’re the guy my wife has been talking with in the store these past few weeks, eh? Well, she’s got a little surprise for you.”

Turns out that his wife (and him) wanted to fix me up with his sister for a lunch date. (Remember, guys . . . all these married women know unmarried women and if they like you they may play cupid!) Well, I then mentioned that I was in a relationship and I doubt that she would appreciate my seeing someone else, even if it was just for a lunch.

The gal seemed impressed and actually happy about my reply. However, she did also add that, if I am ever free and single again, just let her know. . . .

Dceeee (Ms. Smiley), Ladyc4, and a couple others have good advice. Some others are too direct and may act like they are looking, from my point of view. But, what it all boils down to is how you present yourself.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Does cyber sex count as cheating?
Posted: 11/14/2008 1:37:19 PM
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If you wouldn't do it when he was sitting next to you holding your hand, it is cheating.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 67 (view)
 
acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:37:12 PM
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There’s no problem with being single. There must not be because I’ve been that way most of my adult life. And, happy about it, too!

And, as some know, I’ve been kicking around here for a few years, clearly admitting that I was perfectly happy as a single guy -- a guy who never really wanted to partake in the dating scene but kept all options open, nonetheless.

Is there someone out there for everyone? Maybe. But I was never too sure about that and so just coasted along, but with eyes wide open.

Then one day everything changed. I noticed a profile of a single, retired woman all the way across the state and just knew that I’d better pay attention. And I was exactly correct. As things happened, we both had the same impression of the other at the same time. How’s that for luck, eh?

And, wow. How quickly things can change!

Oh sure, I’m still a single guy, sort of. But, also quite committed.

Point is, if this can happen to me, after all these years, I now think it can happen to anyone.

Those who are out there beating the bushes looking for a mate all the time look like players to me. On the other hand, we shouldn’t give up, either. Rather, we should remain open and available for the right person, while always observant and thoughtful enough that we notice the right person from everyone else who may also be nice but just not quite the right one.

So, alright, I’ll admit it: I just happened to be paying attention at the right time and got lucky because she was interested in me, too. It happens.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Girlfriends relationship with ex
Posted: 10/15/2008 10:44:31 PM
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Funny thing is that I almost agree with everyone here somewhat. But, I agree a lot with Firegurl and Indigo a lot, for different reasons.

Really, one huge truth in life is that perception means so much in our lives. That is, a thinking adult in a loving relationship should not put themselves in a situation where it even appears there could be impropriety.

For instance, one time I attended a professional meeting where the hospital booked the trip for everyone attending. Unknown to me at the time was that they thought it good to keep us all together, as much as possible. So, on the flight out, I ended up sitting next to a nice gal who also happened to be a lifelong friend -- which was a good thing in our book.

However, in the hotel, we were given adjoining rooms. Well . . .Ahem . . .

She was a married woman and her husband was also a very good friend of mine. Which means, being the polite guy that I am, I called him and let him know that we had adjoining rooms. His words? “Lock the door from your side, guy, cause she likes you!”

Well, of course said husband knew damn well we would not be doing anything. And, we always joke around like that. But, the point is that I felt I should inform him forthwith. It’s something that could be looked upon as being rather improper, after all. And, as things happened, she also called her husband and mentioned she had an adjoining room with me. When he said that he already knew, she called me something like SOB. lol Yeah, I beat her to the punch.

And, yeah, for you feminists out there: I would tell my sweetie everything, same way. No problem there. It most certainly works both ways in my life.

Where I disagree with folks around here is with the “trust” thing. I can take my friend’s wives to lunch, but I will never do that without telling the husband first and informing them where we will be meeting. I’m not asking, although he gets a veto. Usually, I’m informing. Because, I think that a spouse (or LTR partner) has a right to know when their love interest goes out with a single person of the opposite sex -- for whatever reason. The only time that is not totally honored in my life may be around the time of birthday and Christmas gifts.

Jealously is a strange bitch I wish on no one. But, perhaps what you experienced was a little indecision on her part. Think about it: While she was dealing with the mixed messages of the ex, she didn’t want to deal with you being demanding, too. Overload like that happens some time with many people. Consider it.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
A man who communicates his feelings...
Posted: 10/15/2008 9:09:58 PM
.

Funny thing about that is that many times a man can talk himself into a corner trying to “express his feelings” to some of our modern gals.

A much better idea is to say what you mean and mean what you say, but just once, unless she brings it up again. She heard you. If it had anything whatsoever to do with feelings, she probably heard you loud and clear. So let it go. Don’t mention it again unless she opens the topic. Anyway, she may have a wholly different agenda than you, so be prepared to wander off the stage soon.

See, the deal is, women get to say anything they want about that feeling stuff, but the second time I guy brings up something, he’s often looked at as whiny and not strong enough to make a good mate. Besides, some modern women need to be kept wondering sometimes. Being a little taciturn keeps their minds tuned towards you better. In other words, don’t ever be completely attainable unless you know that she is, also. Yeah, I know, that’s playing games and I dearly hate games like that. But, with many women I’ve seen, that’s about the only way to handle the situation and keep their interest.

There’s another little technique that can be fun sometimes. If she’s maybe getting close but still jerking your chain sometimes, politely drop a little bomb in the conversation that sounds great on face value but that she’ll realize a little later that you might have also been playing. That is, ramp it up a stage by saying something really nice, but unexpected. Then, change the topic totally and never go back to that unless she leads you there.

But, never repeat your “feelings” unless you are sure that she is in agreement and receptive. If you instinctively get the feeling that you should “slow down,” respect that feeling because you were pushing way too much too early. And, maybe with the wrong woman.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
 
POF has become.....
Posted: 10/11/2008 8:48:30 PM
.

It all depends on one’s attitude, I guess.

When I first started here, I thought of it as entering a large party where I only knew a couple people. So, I looked around a while to see what was going on while, at the same time, talking with the few people I already knew. Like most any large party I might wander into, I noticed all sorts of people. Some were very nice, but there are also some that I would not wish to associate with.

Fast forward a couple years and I must admit that I have met a lot of very nice people here. It’s true that some of them are married and/or in long term relationships. Many of the women on my favorites list(s) are quite taken. So? I know who they are and know them to be very nice people -- the kind of people I would be happy to call friend in any setting.

As a matter of fact, my sweetie is sometimes on here, too. Does she care that I am? Nope. She knows very well that I’m not going anywhere. That’s because my rule for myself is a simple one of common consideration: I will never do anything while she is not looking that I would not do if she were standing next to me. I may not remember these words being said by the others who are married or in LTRs on my favorites list(s), but I know they are quality people and I’m betting that is how they act.

Sure, as Indigo Rose so aptly pointed out above -- with her normal bit of humor -- there are all kinds on here. So, just like at any function in real life, it is your job to sort them out and pick only those closest to what you are ultimately looking for. Just as in real life, that may take time. Meanwhile, don’t blame the site when you’re the one doing the choosing.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 98 (view)
 
Compliment??
Posted: 10/5/2008 12:14:52 PM
.

Wooby . . . was that you?

Nah couldn’t have been cause you’re too young.

But, back about 1963, while over in France, I happened to notice a strikingly beautiful older woman with silver hair. I guess she was 40ish, but I didn’t care. She accepted, when I asked her to dance. We danced some and had a couple drinks together. Then, in the very direct way that some French woman can sometimes have, she asked me why I was attracted to a woman of her age.

I told her the truth: I was immediately attracted because she was positively beautiful. Then, I stuck around because she was also very nice.

Truth worked. . . .

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 96 (view)
 
Compliment??
Posted: 10/5/2008 10:00:02 AM
.


Is this a left-handed compliment or is the guy just verbally inept?

Interesting, this. Expected, I guess, from a middle aged woman wanting to feel young.

In contrast, if I mention to my 96 year old mother, or the 102 year old cute little lady who sits at her dinner table, that they look very nice for their age, I’ll get a big smile and a “thank you.” So, too, if I say the same words to the young teen girls in the family.

Yup, it’s only some of those few gals in middle-age transition who would take offence to otherwise kind words like that. And, I suppose, guys could be more sensitive to these ever-present feelings some women have about aging.

As for me, I guess maybe I’m not so sensitive all the time. Because, here’s one guy who really appreciates a woman who knows who and what she is, and acts like it.

So, what is “verbally inept”? Could it be the writer or the reader?

It all depends on your personal point of view, I guess.

Y’know, I often try to form pictures with words that are a little clearer than that. But, if you learned how old I am, and chanced to say that I look pretty good for my age, chances are very good that I would smile and say “Thank You.” Then, perhaps we would chat for a while about whatever we have in common, before I went on my way.

Some of us say what we mean and mean what we say. Those folks who try to read something else into those words are . . . well . . . just wrong.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
What does he need me to do?
Posted: 9/23/2008 11:17:18 AM
.



Question: What would you (if you were in his position) need from the person you are dating at this time? I really want/need to be there for him!


Based on past experiences, I can sort of answer that question from both sides.

I would much prefer to keep to myself then. However, that’s not to say that I wouldn’t also like a little affection from a nice friend and companion from time to time. But, I would never seek it; she would have to already be a good friend and come without being asked.

However, were I in your position, I would be over there offering whatever support I could -- and make it clear that, unless pushed away too hard, I’ll be available for the duration.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Men that have been single for a long time are looking for mostly intimate encounters!
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:16:01 PM
.

That’s an interesting attitude -- which is all it is: attitude with no real bases for fact.

My first impression would be that you are probably picking the same type of guy all the time, yet looking for different results. Which means, you might want to look in the mirror and ask the person you see why you are allowing this to happen so often.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
A little help here please.
Posted: 9/18/2008 4:57:06 PM
.

Sure, sure . . . you can compliment her if you wish. Sometimes that stuff works, even in a gym.

So, yeah, wait till she turns around and then say something like: “Oh wow . . . what a great gluteus maximus! How do you keep those ass muscles looking that strong?” :13:

Or, you can do the same as I do when I walk into the gym in the morning and the management gal is there: I simply say, “Good morning (insert name). How are you this beautiful morning?” Then there’s a moment of chitchat and I go about my business until I see her again on the way out. Simple, eh?

Of course, I also know her husband and I’m betting that he’s probably a lot stronger than I am because he’s been a bodybuilder for a few decades. Also, she has a black belt. So, trying to pick her up may not be a wise career move. lol

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 45 (view)
 
The need for peace and tranquility as we age.
Posted: 8/23/2008 11:04:47 PM
.


I would love to live in a situation where I could see a lot of people, but retreat to my own little space when I need "alone" time.


Funny thing is that’s almost what I have here. I’m in a large adult’s only apartment building and I would say that at least 75% of the residents are single women. There’s a large “common area” on the first floor with various facilities. If you can get into the building, you are usually in part of that. Out back is a good sized city park with a little lake & lots of sports facilities. About 200 yards across the road is a really active senior’s center and an Olympic sized pool. Next door is a wetlands/woods area that no one except me seems to visit. And, less than a mile away is yet another good senior’s center with even more activities and a really nice gym. (I like the pool and the gym -- but do not join the other activities.)

I have no idea how many apartments there are on each floor here, but there are a lot. There’s only one other guy on my floor, the rest are single women. Better yet, everyone is politely friendly, and we are all very quiet. By quiet, I mean that when I close my door I hear no more than a door closing, or something, once or twice a day -- the only sounds not caused by me come from outside when I have the windows open.

There are things going on until about ten each evening, but not on the apartment floors, that I know of. Some women here say that they think that I never come out of my apartment. Truth is, I’m not home all that much when they are out and about -- besides, I didn’t know anyone was dedicated to taking attendance.

So there you go . . . when I come home to my seventh floor apartment, I’m assured all the “alone time” I want. In the three years I’ve been here, nothing has bothered that yet.

I’ve always had a lot of living space before and never thought I would like being confined to apartment living. But, my friends and relatives advised me well; this place is almost ideal for me as a single guy.

I go out and walk a lot -- often late at night. That’s because I’ll sit here writing, sometimes for hours at a time, and need some good exercise before bed. Turns out, some of the neighbor ladies would like to go walk at night, too. But, they won’t go alone. So, like tonight, I walk down seven floors and go out the back door, but there sits two gals: “You going to walk a couple miles tonight?” Funny thing is that I don’t know them. But, no matter; we did three quick miles and talked a lot, so that was nice.

On the other hand, at first glance, lots of guys would be happy to live in this situation. They would be wrong, though. I know that it’s just as unwise to go fishing in the home pool as it is to fish in the secretarial pool at work. Well, that’s how I behave, anyway. I’m very nice to everyone here because I know how they talk. lol

But, I have a woman friend who moved into a condo and married the guy across the hall two years later, so what do I know, eh?

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
The need for peace and tranquility as we age.
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:56:30 PM
.

Help other people cope with their problems and yours will be easier to cope with. Life is full of problems; it’s how you work out those problems that brings true joy to life. As my psychobabble trained wife used to say: “If we never had any difficult times, how the hell would we know when the good times were?”

There’s probably a good point in there somewhere because knowledgeable people keep saying those things. . . .

When a physician friend noticed that I was becoming a bit listless and had no real goals left in life other than writing, he dragged me over to visit with the ambulatory patients at a hospice he runs. That was a few years ago and I’m happy to say that I can still be a little help to others and enjoy doing it.

Everyone is different and I know that. The action of doing things is my style of peace and tranquility. Else, I’d vegetate and die. But, as things are going now, I’m probably good for another twenty healthy years.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 61 (view)
 
What do I do when American men are ...
Posted: 8/22/2008 1:37:35 PM
.


It is a good thing that you guys always maintain a sense of humor and be able to laugh at oneselves.


Yes, that is a very good thing. Beats the heck out of throwing something across the room in frustration. . . . lol

Anyway, that tells me that they are behaving themselves when you are around. Otherwise, an expletive would be common.

I remember when we used to design and prototype electronic equipment. Sometimes someone would put power to their new device and it would smoke instead of work. When that happened, everyone around would stand and applaud, yelling: TMS! TMS! (Tune for maximum smoke.) We even had a “screw-up of the week” and month award posted on the bulletin board. Of course, none of us wanted to win that very often. But we all did from time to time.

Actually, the ability to direct humor at oneself is what separates the men from the boys. As a researcher and engineer, I learned from my mistakes. I always told the young ones that if you do not screw-up something from time to time it’s probably because you are not doing enough. We all learn from our mistakes. Therefore, it’s beneficial to take ownership of that mistake immediately and then correct it.

I still do that. Setting up a new computer the other day, I mentioned that there were a couple “operator errors” discovered. Someone asked: “Who was the operator?” I simply replied: “Me, darn it!”

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Night owl and early bird: doomed?
Posted: 8/21/2008 3:48:35 PM
.

Generally speaking, I’ve been retired so long that I don’t keep any specific hours. Sometimes, if I’m interested in working on something, I forget to go to bed. Other times, I may sleep a lot.

However, a couple years ago, two beautiful lady friends I grew up with talked me into joining them at the gym a few mornings a week. Early mornings, I should say. . . . I need the workout and they are fun to be around, so I go with them.

But I’m single and live alone. Therefore, I may have been up all night, or most of the night, anyway. They have to go to work after the gym. What they don’t know is that I can go home and take a nap.

Well . . . they didn’t know that until now, that is. One is on here, so I guess I just blew that little secret, huh.

Anyway, I prefer the night. I’ll go shopping at one or two in the morning and am often up most of the night. And, before going to bed, I’ll go out and walk a couple quick miles, no matter what time it may be.

So, how would that fit in with living with someone? Well . . . ahem . . . I suppose that all depends on who it was I was living with and what the enticement was for keeping regular bedtime hours. For the right person, anything is possible.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Good Morning?
Posted: 8/20/2008 5:23:47 PM
.

First, I have to say that there are some very, very nice ladies around here, and in my age group. However, that’s not at all what I’m thinking when I look at profiles. Sorry, guy, but I’m looking at attitude and for what we may have in common.

Sure, there are other things to consider, too. But most important to me is how she presents herself in her profile and/or the forums. Easy going and polite are important to me. So is companionship, which makes it important that we have some of the same interests and values. Most things are “open” to me, but I have to feel that we would at least get along well long enough to see if anything else clicks.

Maybe that makes me not so “visual,” as you say. But, that’s the way it is with me.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Date showed really crass movie - is lack of class an issue?
Posted: 8/19/2008 11:39:18 PM
.

I can’t comment on the movie because I know absolutely nothing about it. On the other hand, I do know that many people in stressful professions have some very “unique” ways to blow off steam. If watching a stupid movie did it for that guy, then I would call that a good thing.

Reading these posts as a single guy, I got two impressions:

First, I’ll bet the guy prepared for the Op’s visit by HAVING THE HOUSE CLEANED. Then, he probably hid the photos because he didn’t want his new friend to see pictures of ex’s all over the house. Yeah, he wanted to impress her. What the hell was wrong with that? Women do exactly the same damn thing!

Second, she mentioned money way, way too much. . .

So, okay, she doesn’t like criticism at all, as she demonstrated clearly enough above. I can’t help but wonder how deep that goes and if maybe the guy mistakenly said something that started this whole thing.

From my younger days as a street cop, I remember that there are three sides to most of these stories: His, hers and the truth.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Getting back into the game when you have been out for so long.
Posted: 8/19/2008 3:10:06 PM
.


I dread the idea of starting over with someone I don’t know, and really don’t want work at getting to know someone new.


Heck, I’ve felt like that for at least a couple decades. Actually, I’ve lived alone for most of my adult life and kind of like it that way. There’s plenty of room in my life for someone nice, but she would have to be a very special woman to put up with me.

Really, though, since I quit “looking” actively I just naturally seem to meet very nice single gals just about everyplace I go. On this two dimensional medium, I guess I come over as a little dull. But, in real life, that doesn’t seem to be the case at all. Of course, when I’m out and about, I’m at places and doing things that interest me -- which means that any women I happen to meet there are also interested in that. So, we automatically start out with something good in common.

But as for “dating,” as the word is used around here, I gave up on that many years ago. Companionship is an altogether different story, though. Anyway, if I were going to date, she would be someone who already is a friend -- which means that we would already have things in common.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Men over 45 and facial hair
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:00:05 PM
.

Hiding out in the woods for the past couple weeks, I didn’t feel like shaving. So, I didn’t. However, there came a time when I had to go to town for food & stuff, so I took a couple minutes and trimmed it nicely. Yeah, I cleaned up to go to the general store -- how about that, eh? lol

Anyway, I got a lot of work done in the peacefulness of being alone in a cabin in the woods. But, before I go back home, the beard will be gone. I just don’t think that I look right with it.

Some guys look good with a beard, though. I’m just not necessarily one of them and much prefer the clean-cut look for myself when out in public. But here, no one sees me.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 43 (view)
 
How long do you usually wait before meeting up with somebody you meet on POF?
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:43:31 PM
.

Anywhere from a couple hours to a few days. Depends on where we both are located is all.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
If A Guy Says He Cares...
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:35:10 PM
.

OP: Define “couple days.”

Also, I get the impression that there’s an important piece of information missing from your story.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Those who walk away.
Posted: 8/16/2008 2:02:10 PM
.


My question to them is.... what happens when you ARE older, find yourself alone, because you were waiting for the perfect woman to come into your life, ONLY to find that you are alone in your old age!


Apparently I can field that question because I’m already “older” in your eyes. And yeah, here I sit, all alone in my apartment. So?

You sound like you are putting down men simply because you don’t have one. That can be a self sustaining problem, if you think about it.

So, okay, I’m over 20 years older than you and live alone -- happily, I might add. Nonetheless, my life is populated with mostly women. I had breakfast with three very nice gals this morning. Then I went to where I work/volunteer and it ended up being a rather good time with both the employees and residents there. When I came back home, to my large apartment building, it was like social hour in the common area downstairs. And, I suppose that I should mention that this is an adult building and about 80% of the residents are single women. . . . No, I don’t go fishing in the home pond; but I could, easily enough, if I so desired.

You might think of me as just an old man living alone. But if you think I’m lonely, you would be very mistaken. Today, I have already interacted favorably with at least a dozen eligible women around my age group -- and I’m going out a little later to a function where there will be a lot more. This is somewhat of a normal day for me. How does that compare with your activities today?

I fail to understand why many women think a guy is “lonely” just because he lives alone. Some talk like a guy needs a keeper in order to live properly, but I don’t. If I bring someone home, it will be because I want her as a friend, companion and lover. Anything else, I can do for myself.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Male makeovers
Posted: 8/16/2008 4:12:22 AM
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Ah yes, style. You’ve got to love it.

Parash the thought that some culture-vulture woman will tell a man how to be a real man!

What women do not realize is that many men see women as either somewhat undressed or wearing curtains or seat cover material as clothing -- it depends on how the woman presents herself. It appears to most of us that many women will dress in anyway whatever someone tells them is the current style. They have no personal preference. That is, they only look to how others say they should dress.

That women dress to please other women has been explained to me many times. A lot of that looks funny to me. So, what can I say?

If a woman suggests how I might dress, I might lesson some. But, I will also take into consideration how she dresses. Therefore, her suggestions may fall by the wayside.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Clothing Optional Campgrounds, ever tried them?
Posted: 8/15/2008 10:46:37 PM
.


Camping with no clothes? See now I'm thinking real camping, tents, no electricity and BUGS! Oh no I don't think so.


That’s what I was thinking, too. lol

I like the woods, but that’s no place to be running around without clothes. We’ve got some rather large mosquitoes (and other bugs that bite) around here. Some of the plants would make interesting designs on one’s lower body parts, too. Yup, I can just imagine the funny explanation of that in the emergency room.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Male makeovers
Posted: 8/15/2008 10:00:54 PM
.

“Style” is a merchandising trick used to make women buy more stuff.

A few months ago I found a photo taken when I was living in France. The way I was dressed then is still very much in style today. That is, I can walk into any good men’s store and buy exactly the same clothes. Actually, I do, from time to time. And that photo was taken in 1963. . . .

Yup, I still wear the same style slacks, a very similar sportcoat and the same slightly tinted glasses. Only the shoes are different today because I never cared that much for French shoes, anyway. Same style haircut, too, come to think about it. lol

So, do I need a makeover? I don’t see why. People in the three or four states I wander around in seem to think that I’m always rather presentable and that’s all that counts to me. Well . . . that and comfort.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Those who walk away.
Posted: 8/12/2008 6:21:47 PM
.

Most of my old friends and family are still working on their first spouse -- and happy about it. Unfortunately, though, there are a few widows and widowers in the mix. Two of the gals remarried after a few years and are happy. But some of us seem to be perpetually single, so we sometimes do things together.

Actually, there are quite a few of us (mostly women) who never “date” -- in the conventional use of the word. It’s not that there aren’t plenty of opportunities in our age group, it mostly just never occurs to us to go out looking. And, yeah, some of us are on here, even.

On the other hand, I have three good friends who felt exactly the same but are now part of a couple and happy. I think things often happen that way, actually: When you’re not looking, suddenly you bump into someone else who wasn’t really looking and you end up walking away together, looking only at each other. I’ve seen it happen a lot.

How many people in my circle of friends are actively looking? Truthfully, of the single ones who are very active and in their 60s, I can’t think of any. I know some in their 40s who are, though.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 639 (view)
 
What makes a woman over 40 sexy?
Posted: 8/9/2008 5:17:12 PM
.


Is it physical features or something else entirely?


Both, sometimes. But, with me it’s mostly that “something else” that includes quickness of mind mixed with a bit of healthy self-confidence -- and respect for self and others around them.

Because, in truth, I’m seldom attracted to women who dress to look sexy in public. In other words, I’ve never been too interested in those who present themselves as a femme fatal, but do enjoy talking with the ladies who can be a real barracuda at work. I guess the point is that I find women who know at least a couple things very well to be most attractive -- even when they are things I know absolutely nothing about.

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 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Ok......Now Im confused......
Posted: 8/5/2008 2:27:01 AM
.

We’ll all go buy new shoes from time to time. But, you know, it takes a while to break them in.

I have four sets of good shoes here but, you know, my most comfortable walking shoes are the oldest ones that look bad. And, when I want a five mile walk that is what I wear.

Why? Because that is how it is with many of us: The comfortable (even though old and decrepit) is often better than the new. After all, we’ve already got them broke in.

And so it can be with past lovers.

Your choice.

If you think that the older is better, go for it! If not, make a determination and go for that. That’s your choice. But, to be true and honest to those around you, you should quickly make that choice.

As you write now, you are not true to anyone, not even yourself. . . . .

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