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timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 108 (view)

Why dont people learn to meet their own needs Posted: 7/28/2009 10:42:34 AM
"I bet this woman does not give head." - Mahatma Ghandi

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Not good with holidays... Posted: 5/20/2009 10:41:06 AM
Are birthdays really a big deal to people? I've been dating a girl for four months. We get a long great. She tells me I'm a great guy and loves the way I treat her. The problem is for me that on big days, like birthdays, New Years, etc. I'm not great at planning or gift giving. I spoil her all the time, but she was really upset with me because all I wanted to do was go into the city and walk around and then go to dinner down town somewhere nice like a restaurant in Little Italy. She wanted tickets to a show, or something different more concrete than what I had planned. I think overall I treat her really well, but we go out all the time, so trying to come up with something really new or different is tough. What would be a nice thing to plan to try and make up for it? Any ideas?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 57 (view)

Calling All Divorcees Posted: 1/21/2009 2:30:35 PM
This is true. I had "stepped out" of my marriage 3 years into it, but she endured another 3 of trying hopelessly to get me to re-invigorate myself in it. Bottom line, I just didn't want to deal with the cold feeling of getting a new place on my own, and as little as I was putting into the marriage, I knew I would feel worse being completely alone, so I lumped along half-assed. She was very lonely in the marriage because of that, and ultimately I agree women have a much better ability to get things done in areas like this.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 138 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/21/2009 2:04:41 PM
Honesty definitely wasn't one of my strong points in this. For the month of January my finances were so bad that I had to rent out my place for extra cash. I was living with a female friend who was travelling for two weeks of the four. My gf and I had just gotten together for the weekend and had a great time, and resolved to try and work it out, but she found out about my living situation on Monday and now I've been completely cut off from communication. I think I need therapy. But honestly, could I have told her on top of everything else about my living situation given the problems we were having and have her trust it?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 185 (view)

Would you let someone you met on POF read all your messages to other people? Posted: 1/14/2009 5:07:34 PM
On the first page, most people seem to feel the OP's girlfriend has requested to read HIS past messages. However, the zeal with which he is defending the right to read this information, I am led to believe HE wants to read a potential girlfriend's messages, not vice versa. I agree with this. No girl would really want to read what he wrote to other women any more than they would want to here about the sex he's had with other women.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 119 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/14/2009 5:00:07 PM
She likes to go out every weekend, during the summer when she was off, it would be 3 or 4 nights per week were out rather than staying home. There were times when I tried being upfront and suggested I didn't have the money to go out on a weekend, so she suggested we would still go out an she offered to pay. But the following week, or two weeks after, if we had an argument she would tell me that her friends thought that was bs, that there was no way she should be doing something like that, and there was no way they would put up with it, that they've never been with a man who didn't pay for them. This was when all of this first happened. To be honest, I've never met a woman who wouldn't have a definite problem if I told her I couldn't afford to do something, or go out somewhere. So I would much rather have put off paying her until my commission checks came in for household expenses etc., and apologize for being late, then say upfront that I was having difficulty but still wanted to try and continue what we had. I just didn't see it happening like that. Maybe I'm meeting the wrong woman. Matter of fact, I have friends (males) who will say for a fact they have never in their life let a woman pay for a meal - whether a woman has actually offered, I can't tell you. They would laugh if I told them I let my girlfriend pay for night when we went out - and I felt awkward doing it. And in terms of dating, I really can't envision a scenario in which a woman would start going out with a guy who told her he could only afford a very limited social lifestyle at the moment. I also don't know any woman who would want to plan a future with a guy who made less than she did or whose career or job was in question while they were trying to get more serious. I'm just stating a fact, I'm really not trying to generalize any particular sex positively or negatively. I really don't know any women like you.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 108 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/14/2009 9:00:17 AM
You're not good at saving money are you? Perhaps your girlfriend was turned-off when she realised how quickly you are able to squander every cent that you've earned? Living beyond your means is likely more of a turn-off to some women than a lower income is. I'm talking about paying a mortgage on my place, plus my basic utilities, my monthly maintenance fee, parking and garage fees, as well as splitting her monthly payment and expenses - that's why I was looking for a tenant for my place. As far as saving money goes - I see you live in Sasketchwan(sp?) what's the monthly expense of a place up there? Do you really have a lot of options for restaurants - fancy or not, concerts, or social things to do besides sit by a lake and watch the sunset anyway?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 106 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/14/2009 8:12:14 AM
I'm not defending my actions here, I should have been more upfront about what was happening in my career - but I think some further explanation is needed. I went from making six figures to low fives in about 2 months time - that was more than a 50% reduction in what I was taking home closer to 70% really...while my regular monthly expenses remained the same - car, mortgage, bills, etc. and I don't have any kids to counter the dead beat dad comment earlier, nor was I ever abusive, etc. During the time my gf and I have been together, I paid for everything whenever we went out, and yes maintained that lifestyle even after my job situation changed because I didn't want to admit to her that I couldn't afford it. It was not my intention to free load off this woman - as I mentioned I'm paying a mortgage on my condo while agreeing to help her out with expenses as we see how we get along sharing a place - she lives and hour away up the coast on a good day. I have my own place and life which I pay for, and was trying to find a tenant for a month or two to try to offset some of those expenses so that I could contribute more together, because I couldn't afford both at the present time. I don't think the women on here understand quite what an ego blow it is for a guy to be in a position to suddenly not be able to provide or contribute in the way he wants or feels the need to...or the pressure it creates when trying to plan a future together with someone. All the parties etc. we went to around the holidays we went to together - and I was always there to pay for whatever came up. As women do you pay for almost everything socially when you go out on dates? Are you as women automatically expected to? If you're out with your boyfriend's male friends, do you feel the urge to pick up the tab or buy them a drink? Does your boyfriend or SO automatically expect you to take the lead and plan fun things to do together? Does anyone ask you almost immediately what you do for a living when you're introduced to his male friends for the first time? I don't think I'm being given a fair enough view here in terms of my situation...yes my choice in not telling her up front about what was happening was poor because it created a lot of questions in her mind that were going on she didn't understand...I still don't think it was fair to go to my ex when those questions arose though and try to find some deep reason from my past - our relationship is in the present and that's how I woud have preferred to be judged... And lot of women are quick to judge because I had trouble admitting that I was suddenly having trouble financially - but how many of you would even consider going out on a date with a genuinely nice guy who treated you well, if he told you upfront couldn't afford to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant, or go on a vacation with you to some exotic place, or maintain a regular schedule of going out and doing things together vs staying home and watching a movie? Chris Rock has a really good line - "Men have got to get their money right.. Women don't have to worry about money because no guy is not going to have sex with you because you're poor" I know a lot of women are going to say I should find someone less materialistic or I didn't give her a chance...but honestly, how many women would get into a relationship with someone, or stay in a relationship if they were making significantly more money than their boyfriend? Or if the situation suddenly changed for him and he couldn't afford to do what you wanted do when you wanted to do it with you? You wouldn't give him some line about needing to take some time so he could get his life straightened out, or needing time to "think " about things while you accepted a date from the next guy who's been calling you to take you out for the night to some really nice place? I see a lot of words like "loser" and "free-loader" and "broke" and "taking advantage" being tossed around - don't you think I felt that way under the circumstances? Don't you think I was hesitant to tell her what was going on because I didn't want to be judged in just that way?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

who recovers faster after a breakup men or women? Posted: 1/13/2009 5:32:26 PM
Women have many more options than men after a relationship ends to start new with a member the opposite sex, so even though they may still have emotional attachments, it's much easier for them to find a willing male distraction even if it's a shallow connection, to forget and move on. That's why men end up missing the woman more after the relationship ends and feeling like they are alone rather than women.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 67 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 4:30:33 PM
I got nothin for you advice wise.. except; At $1500.00 you're paying waaaaay too much for half the expenses for a time share No she already had the timeshare, she paid for the maintenance charges, airline tickets and two headline acts for us to go see while away in one shot. Meanwhile the most I could do in return at Christmas was about $300 worth of bs and an IOU on the rest...with no explanation, hoping for those commission checks to come in before New Year. She's threatened to take her gf from work on the trip now, I'm sure the same one who sent her the online info...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 63 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 4:21:48 PM
I didn't actually mean to delete the post, I wanted to add the line that's left at the end, but the time to edit expired before I realized the change... I do want real feedback and appreciate everyone's candor on this topic - especially sweetness-one - I think she very accurately explains the "mixed signals" I thought I was getting from her.... I have a thick skin, and reading this really helps me to do some serious introspection and gain a new understanding of her mindset and what she was going through...I really only saw things from my perspective, that's why I posted the whole saga - again, this kind of analyzing is something you usually can't gain in one afternoon of sitting with yourself and trying to figure out where things went wrong in a relationship.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

My ex says he can't live without me and its holding me back. advice appreciated. Posted: 1/12/2009 3:52:11 PM
Speaking from the guy's perspective, and we've all felt like this guy (though maybe not acted on it to the extreme he did) after a breakup at one time or another. The reality is he is not happy with his life or himself and it has nothing to do with you. He used you and the relationship as a distraction from his own internal unhappiness for 5 years, though it did surface in the fights you had and the "rockiness" of the relationship..he has never been well centered or fully adjusted on his own. With you gone, he has to look around at what he has or doesn't have in terms of his job, his life, his friends, hobbies, etc. and realize that he is empty and literally incomplete as person without your relationship, as dysfunctional as it was. Throughout the relationship, you kept focussed on your career (example you're celebrating personal success at work and he is unemployed) and your happiness as best you could and were always pretty honest about your own needs with yourself. I suspect he's always been marginally employed and has always been unhappy internally about this and has always used his time with you (and the drama) as a means of regularly hiding from the general depression of his day to day. He has never really looked in the mirror and gotten to know himself or developed the tools to make himself happy on his own, it's always been happiness in the context of losing himself in someone else - he's never been a complete person. With you gone, he has no foundation to rely on and move forward with, and thus no confidence he can find happiness on his own. He will eventually find another woman with the insecurities you have and throw himself into that relationship to hide again from himself, seeming like a great, selfless and caring individual, but really trying desperately to escape from himself as quickly as possible and get lost in someone else. Until that point, you will be a fixture of his attention and depression and probably need to keep as far away as possible. Unfortunately your son will make that difficult logistically.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 2:55:13 PM
I agree that it has to start with me in this.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 11:47:01 AM
B/C I'm not on this site communicating with women via email or anything else. If you read my profile it says clearly I'm not looking, and the only correspondence I engage in is on the forum, not in private emails. That girl was simply addicted to the attention that a site like POF gave her and she just couldn't give it up - I had a problem with that and moved on. It's no different than going out to a bar and flirting with guys all night just for the attention. This forum on the other hand is a very unique, free public forum that in it's nature is a very convenient, objective way to get a variety of opinions on things that come up in relationships. I don't take what's said on here and use it to define how I behave in a realtionship, but it is very rare to find a place where you can get so many different people's input on something without it being skewed by personal knowledge of the situation, etc.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 7:37:14 AM
I do accept all responsibility and I'm not trying to deflect anything - I don't think - but I just don't think it's fair to use an ex as a reference for current problems in a relationship or to justify feelings she may have, unless I'm the BTK killer and all my ex's have restraining orders against me or something like that. (which is not the case before the replies light up). The other part of this is that she keeps emailing and texting me telling me she misses me and loves me "deeply". That seems like manipulation - if she wants to break it off, why encourage continuted communication?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 7:28:01 AM
I went and looked at his histroy and it seems too me that it's very possible that he was here for the forums Yes, it is. I think I even state that...please cut me some slack on that, I am not on this site to date, I find the forums very valuable...but maybe I should just contact ex-boyfriends instead when I have questions about a girl in a relationship...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 7:24:42 AM
I am definitely in the wrong the situation, but I assumed in any relationship that discussions between two adults are just that - and kept between two people who care about each other. My ex does not love me, and I don't love her, though we do talk on a mature and respectful basis. So a discussion like that will always be subjective. If I were to ask her ex-husband about her I know he would have a lot for me to think about, but I just don't think it's fair to draw parallels between a past relationship like that and the present. By that standard we could never expect to move on once a relationship had ended.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 7:00:31 AM
You're toast. No kidding. What would a girl expect to hear by contacting an ex about someone anyway?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-wife... Posted: 1/12/2009 6:54:56 AM
My girlfriend and I had a fight over the holidays about, and so she was so upset that she decided apparently to email my ex-wife and ask her about me. Well, obviously my ex-wife didn't have a lot of positive things to say in general and now my gf is using this conversation as some sort of "justification" for her feelings of mistrust in me and wanting to break up with me. What should I think about my girlfriend contacting my ex wife and then using what she had to say about that relationship against me now?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 119 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 11/3/2008 9:00:44 PM
No, I mean if all the other stuff wasnt a reality, I couldve probably rolled with it, but given the context of the f'd up nightly routines, I would have expected her to comment in some way about it - that's why i repeated it to make sure she heard it...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 117 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 11/3/2008 8:50:33 PM
No, it's really not a joke. The context was, I was sitting next to her, and her feet were across my lap. He sat down next to me and was touching her feet. I said jokingly, "don't worry I've got this". And he then literally replied "Who do you think thinks Mom is hotter, me or you?" No joke. I repeated the question to make sure she heard it. That's when I had to get up to get a drink (no scotch available) and the other comment came out and she laughed. I'm obviously home now in my bed too angry and disturbed to sleep...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 115 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 11/3/2008 8:20:47 PM
I too have a 9 year old and there is no way Id let him sleep with me. When they get to that age they start noticing different parts of the female body. Sleeping with her is going to lead to trouble. also he is her little man and when you are not there his is to fill the void that her ex most likely left her with, alot of insecure women do this and it will be hard for her to fix that This is true. He already makes jokes about it too. We'll be sitting on the couch, and I get up to get something to drink, and he's said things like "Don't worry, I'll keep your woman warm while you're gone". She laughs. On the surface I'm sure it's innocent and he really doesn't understand what he's saying, but in reality it's an oddly appropriate way to summarize the situation and I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing and the direction it will be heading. He is already I'm sure feeling possesive of her and I just don't feel like being the competition for a nine year old's Mom...good luck when this kid starts waking up with wood next to her... I do care about this woman very much, she already suggested she could fall in love with me, but i think it's time to bail on this whole thing.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 111 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 11/3/2008 2:22:23 PM
There's a lot going on with her when I talk to her. She definitely feels guilty about what he experienced from his father, but at the same time, she wants her alone time for the two weekends a month and holidays that he watches him, so I have a hard time seeing this as a realistic excuse for what's going on now. If he was that bad, I can't imagine as a Mom she would really want her son spending any time with the father, even if it meant cutting into her alone time. As far as alone time, it seems to me that if she could get a handle on this whole bed time routine and get him in bed by 8:30 in his room like a normal 9 year old, she would have that quiet time, with or without me, she needs to unwind and wouldn't feel the need to "escape" by giving him to a potentially bad father every other week. Yes, I am a little jealous about the situation, but more than that I find it frustrating because I think that boundaries need to be set between adults and kids - kids have a hard enough time respecting authority and behaving when a parent is lax with discipline, but when a kid is anticipating sleeping in bed with his parent(s) every night, I think it totally undermines the seperation that is necessary to establish and maintain authority. The other problem here is that when he stays at his grandmother's house (usually one or two Saturday nights a month), she will have him sleep in bed with her as well because it's what he's used to - and the ex husband lives with relatives in one room in their house, so when he is there, while he's not in the same bed, he's sleeping in the same room as his father. So there is no where in this kid's interaction with his family that he ever encounters sleeping in his own room - crazy.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 101 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 11/1/2008 9:49:19 PM
I had a rough father, and my mother never went so far as to s leep wi th me at night to reassure me, so personally as much as I like him, I dont have too much sympathy for the situation regarding the ex husband's relationship with the son. And yes, she does still share, actually she insists that he take him at least twic per month as was laid out in their divorce agreement for the weekend as well as other allotted times. So personally, whatever the issues may have been in the past with him and his father, they are totally irrelevant and mitigated by her willingly sharing custody with him. My feeling is this is being used as an excuse for lazy parenting - it's much easier to justify his fears - groundless or not - by letting him continue to sleep in bed than take the hard road of discipline and break him of this habit. but i dont have kids, so I'm trying not to judge - it just doesn't seem to be a healthy road. I like the idea of taking the TV out of the room though, that's a great idea. People have mentioned the possibility of something else going on..I don't know what else could be the problem myself... I did try this though. we were on the couch, and all 3 of us were falling asleep. she was sound asleep, so I suggested we go upstairs and put a movie in and leave mom downstairs to sleep. He agreed, he got in bed, I sat on the floor and within a half hour, he was out. i then went downstairs and slept on the couch with her. He slept upstairs all night. So he can be without her, which makes me feel that it has more to do with her.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 97 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 10/31/2008 7:00:12 AM
We "consumate" either at my place when she has a babysitter or the ex has the kids. And she is taking him to a counsellor...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 95 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 10/31/2008 6:10:48 AM
I learned that he's afraid to go upstairs alone or sleep alone in part because he has been emotionally abused by his father early on. He told me once that his father (the ex) used to follow him around the house with a knife, pretending to be a psycho killer, and used to wrestle with him really hard, and when he told his Mom about it when she got home, Dad would lie and tell her they were just playing around. So I know there's a lot of guilt there on her part with regards to his very early childhood and being strict with him now on this. Also, let's please get this straight - when I say slept in the same bed. This was 2x when were all fully clothed, laying on top of the bed, watching a movie. He was under the covers in his pajamas. After the second time like this, and further discussion, I realized his sleeping in bed with her was a regular thing, and after that I never was in her bedroom once anyone fell asleep...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 10/28/2008 5:39:37 AM
Two things to this: First, I could see if it were a choice and he was perfectly comfortable being in his own room sometimes and with her sometimes - but that's not the case. He is in her bed every night and needs to be in it with her - he will never go upstairs alone to sleep. She does not even want this all the time as during the times I've stayed over, she will leave her bed once he's sound asleep and come find me and we will sleep together for the night (not talking sex all the time here) whether it's on the couch or in his room. And then guess what? He wakes up sometimes at night and comes to find her, stands over us until she or I wakes us up, and she then leaves to go back to bed with him. How fu*cked up is that? As far as competition goes - didn't you guys send Freud to us??? There is so much very wrong with a kid his age needing that level or closeness to his mother, whether he's waking up with wood yet or not. Secondly, as far as carrying him at night - what happens when he wakes up? And where is the appropriateness of me touching this kid at all? If she wants him in bed as a partent, you tell the kid to get to bed and if he complains, you simply say that's life and let him cry. And there is definitely going to be a certain level of hostility toward me by him just by virtue of the fact that I will be seen as the reason/catalyst for him having to now seperate from his Mom at night - a natural growth process that should have been experienced at least FIVE years ago in my opinion. Also just as a side note - I think there are also a lot more stats of accepted incest in Europe vs the US. Just because you say it's ok doesn't make it so....

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Kids Question Posted: 10/28/2008 5:18:03 AM
No, that was a passing thing - very brief. We've been together about a month now. I don't get into bed with them anymore like that. We may all sit upstairs and put a movie in to watch with some popcorn in bed, but once she's asleep I leave whether he's awake or not and either go into his room or just go home. I've brought it up to her, and she cites the history with the ex husband I described above and the fact that he is "scared of his own shadow" at night. My observations though, however limited in time are that this kid is just totally addicted to having her next to him at night physically, and it has nothing to do with fears - while I think it may have started off like that for her in her mind, it's definitely not the underlying reason now.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Kids Question Posted: 10/28/2008 5:11:53 AM
Sometimes we can sneak downstairs at like 3 in the morning on the couch if we both wake up and get each other out of "our" rooms like high school kids...otherwise it's weekends when the ex has the kids at her or my place. But more than sex, we don't even have normal adult time at night when we can just lay together and talk and unwind and hold each other... "pillow talk" just isn't even a reality - and just as important she doesn't have any of that unwind time for herself at night because this kid is part of her bedtime routine every single night.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Kids Question Posted: 10/28/2008 5:02:44 AM
"however my kids have been through alot in their little lives. their father killed himself here in my home for one. their granmother just died this month. my kids changed schools. lots of things going on in their lives so i do let him stay in my bed when he comes in during the night." Yeah - she tries this one too. The ex husband was verbally and emotionall abusive and took a lot out on the kid, so he's got that history. I've met the guy and admit he's a screwball with a bad temper, but how long do you say that a child's past experience is an excuse for lazy and potentially destructive behavior in the present? And how long do you feel guilty about it at the sake of your kid's sanity and psychological development going forward? My argument is if the kid is scared and traumatized, the last thing you want to do is completely handicap him by making literally physically dependent on you being around during the time when most kids experience fear and anxiety - at night. I mean, this kid has no tools for coping with seperation, anxiety, stress, loneliness, fear (monsters, etc. and normal kid things) on his own yet and he's already 9. The "spooning" description may be a bit of an exaggeration, but he needs to be in almost direct contact with her whenever he's falling asleep at night. Even if we're watching a movie together on the couch, which is a huge sectional - when he's tired he can't just lay down and fall asleep, he has to be right next to her with his head at her feet at the very least. I don't want to be the bad guy to start dealing with this either - I know the tantrums a toddler can throw about going to bed, I can't imagine what 9 year old will be like. And there is no bedtime routine whatsoever, so it's not like by 8pm it's brush your teeth, finish homework and get into bed - it's whenever Mom is ready for bed, then the son is ready for bed. Or if he's tired, he starts asking Mom when they can go upstairs...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Strange Kids Question Posted: 10/27/2008 9:21:05 PM
ok. well, strange to me...doesn't seem like a relationship question, but it's been bothering me... my gf is 32, has a 9 yr old son. she is divorced. he has never slept in his own bed except when her ex used to carry him into is room asleep at night or make him stay in there. whenever i stay over, it's bedtime and the son goes right into bed with her and me. by the time they're both asleep he's practically spooning with her and i leave to go sleep in his room for the rest of the night. i told her i wouldnt stay over any more because the situation just seems a little weird to me. in some ways i feel like im competing with this kid at night and im not sure how to handle it. he is aready into girls, and very aware of the female body, etc. it's not like he's a toddler anymore. whenever he gets tired, he asks her when she is ready to go upstairs to bed - that's my line! she has made vague references about trying to get him to start to sleep in his room, but to date there has been no effort, even with me refusing to sleep with her/him at night. is this a normal thing and am i making too much out of it?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

Dead Fish F*ck Posted: 9/24/2008 10:10:07 AM
What exactly would I say, we just started dating about two weeks ago...."you're hot but lifeless in bed?" If I have to coax her into being sexual it's not really that much fun. She should be aware of how non-interactive she is. I mean, she's very expressive verbally during sex, but that's about it. I'm just expected to be automatically turned on by virtue of the fact that she is laying next to me. That works with strangers and girls you're just getting to know because there's that new excitement, but once things get a little familiar and you know what to expect, you need some interaction to keep things interesting.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Dead Fish F*ck Posted: 9/24/2008 10:02:33 AM
I'm seeing a very hot girl, but after the first few times of sex, it's getting a little old. Last time I actually had a concern about failure to launch...the problem is, as hot as she is, she doesn't like to show off her body, pose, etc. or even do much in the way of caressing, oral, etc. Basically she just lays there and waits for me to remove her clothes, kiss her and start having sex. She'll explore other positions, etc. once we've gotten things going, but it's basically a one-way street as far as initiating, etc. and I'm actually finding myself getting bored with things, as attractive as she is.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

Co - Worker Caught BF Wrestling With her Mom. Should she be worried about more? Posted: 9/24/2008 9:57:02 AM
You should tell the daughter to wrestle the Mom just make sure it was all legit. Post the youtube link after they've done it.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Male Friends Question... Posted: 9/3/2008 7:20:08 AM
My gf came back from a trip to Vegas and said she cared about me very much and wanted to be able to be honest with me. She has a very good male friend who helped her out when she was sick (had the flu I guess and was throwing up) and they really connected in a platonic way. I didn't know she had any friends in Vegas, so I was glad she opened up to me about it and was totally honest. He works for Thunder Down Under which she said is like a rock cover band show, so they tour and he can get us tickets to different events. As long as everything is above board, as it really seems to be, should I be ok with this? I know she's planning a trip back out there in about 2 weeks as she has a trade show to attend for her job as a special ed teacher - the district is paying for it as far as the hotel apparently, so I only had to help her out with the plane ticket. We've only talked by phone since she came back as she's still sick and doesn't want me to catch whatever she has, so before I see her this weekend, I just wanted to get some feedback.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Help...psychological impotence Posted: 9/2/2008 7:20:52 AM
I've had this happen with an ex-girlfriend a few years back and it's an extremely unpleasant and demoralizing thing to suffer from I've had this happen as well - girls take it VERY personally....sometimes depending on your parter there is no second chance with it ...of course you have to remember to that even if a girl is not that into sex for whatever reason at a given time, she can fake it without you ever knowing. With guys, there is no in between - you're body is either with you or it's not. So gve him some slack, he may be as into you as he says, but then stress, anxiety for performance, etc. come into play and that's where he is. You should also think about doing some more kinky things to turn him then just laying there...for me as romantic and intimate as kissing and holding a woman are and I need and enjoy it, the dead fish f*^k in the missionary position with minimal real foreplay gets old after a while... To that end - you don't have to actually follow through with everything, but dirty talk and discussing some different things sexually that are potentially interesting to you can give a guy enough excitement incentive some times to get over the mind/body barrier when this happens...get hime to fantasize about you during the sex process, rather than alone when he's not with you. Also, if he masturbates on even a fairly frequent basis, eventually you can program your body to be turned on only by that stimulation, to the point where actual sex does not represent enough excitement for him, even though he is probably fantasizing about you and having sex with you when he is alone ironically...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 368 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 8/31/2008 5:59:57 PM
I'm dating a woman who had been in an abusive marriage for 9 years. She justified being married to the guy by saying that she wanted kids young ...and worse still, she used to cheat on him, even before the marriage, in a vain attempt to try and prove that she wasn't really in the marriage for him, just for the fact she wanted to have kids while she was young...the long and short of is, she is still in regular contact with him 10 years and a divorce later, the kids are both in therapy, she is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications and still continues to justify having this man in her life again because of that fact that they share kids...he is still a volitile and unpredictably constant source of verbal abuse, even in front of the kids during visitation, is inherently jealous and controlling of any new relationship she tries to have - especially mine because I treat her like no one else ever has. Still she refuses to take sole custody of the kids in order to rid herself of his constant presence in her life because she says she needs the help with him watching the kids just two weekends a month and the mortgage...the reality is that she is still attached to the abusive nature of his personality and will always have a need for an individual like him in her life, whether him or someone else. My point here is there will always be reasons to allow someonone back into your life, or to keep someone in your life, that "on paper" look perfectly valid to other people despite the potential damage it may have. Deep down, you loved the man who was good to you, and that was the ideal you always held on to understandably, but the real man, the constant that will never go away, is the abusive man who needs to physically hurt and emotionally destroy in order to fill his own twisted voids. That man will never go away, and does not really love you, only himself. Honestly,if he truly loved you and felt the way he did about himself after abusing you and or the kids - he would truly have killed himself, because he would know that he could never control his behavior and would be too wracked with guilt and self-hatred at what he lost in you and how he treated you and his own family. The fact that he is in jail rather than dead by his own hand as he so often threatened is in itself proof that that he will always be too weak to truly deal with himself and who/what he is. Leaving the responsibility and burden all to you.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 137 (view)

Dating an Alcoholic Posted: 8/29/2008 11:47:26 AM
I was stone cold sober and dealing with his craziness while he was oblivious and feeling no pain. They take the easy way and say "It's a disease - I can't help it" - a cop out. Never having to deal with feelings, "checking out", not having to realize accountability - a sign of a weak and useless human being. This one admits that she drinks too much, and then at the same time, doesn't feel that it's anyone else's concern what she chooses to do. The only problem with this outlook is that it does become mine and everyone else's problem who may be out with her when she is too drunk to drive herself home or even walk back into her own house at the end of the night. Even when she picked up her girlfriend and went out for the night, her friend ended up having to drive home, and was clueless as to what to do at the end of the night when she was passed out in the passenger seat of her own car and couldn't be awakend, so the friend called the family of my gf and her brother had to come and get her into the house and take the friend home at 1 in the morning...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 130 (view)

Dating an Alcoholic Posted: 8/29/2008 5:24:04 AM
your just taking advantage, dude, your getting your rocks off on an easy target, and posting here to try to seem considerate and compassionate Actually, it's the "downtime" that I really enjoy. I hate the going out part of it because of how it may probably end up. The best sex we have is in the middle of an afternoon on a weekend or right before we go out for the night, alcohol having nothing to do with it. And the bond that we have is forged during the quiet, sober moments, when she's a real woman with feelings, personality and a mind - that's why my other post is up as well. It's not her I don't trust, it's the alcohol and loss of herself... She has actually asked me on occasion to tell her if I think she drinks too much. She was very sincere in these times, but she was careful to tell me that she can't handle judgment, she just doesn't want to lose me over the alcohol. Those were her words, and they are a temptation to stay, but then she goes right back to the same behaviors almost like a drug addict.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

I have a boyfriend, but i am attracted to someone i work with!? Posted: 8/28/2008 1:16:23 PM
You're looking for a reason to jump on this guy...eventually you'll start to pick fights with your bf, get this guy's number as a "friend" to talk with and get "guy" advice about the difficulties you're having,casually hang out on breaks, then arrange to get together once maybe in a group on a Friday night with your and his friends while your bf is out with his friends, and before you know it, you're "torn" between an old relationship in which your boyfriend did nothing wrong but stay with you too long, and that brand new car smell...you can't be trusted...you can't even trust yourself...dump your bf now and save him the heartache of an on again, off again, slow and inevitable degredation of your relationship.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Trusting your girl in Vegas... Posted: 8/28/2008 1:10:26 PM
Sad to say she's 33 and has a kid from a previous marriage as well. AND, FYI, I met her off an online dating site as I WAS sick of the "bar scene", and that's exactly where I ended back up with this girl...as I said before, unfortunately, she's not the first I've met who can't control her alcohol or her behavior when she's lit...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Trusting your girl in Vegas... Posted: 8/28/2008 9:29:15 AM
Yeah, the alcohol is really an issue with this girl. But unfortunately I've met a lot of girls like this, they just seem to equate excessive drinking with fun and escape, maybe for them, but not for their dates, and drunk girls are really unattractive, especially to guys who have no problem meeting women in general. But beneath that, it's really the choice she makes to continue to be the way she is and choose not to control it. So then all of these trust issues and everything else just go along with it...and not being that kind of guy, I don't like getting caught up in that trap, so this trip now is really annoying me on that level, and I just don't want to be bothered with it - thinking about it now or discussing it on her return. I kind of feel bad though and think I should have broken it off beforehand. When she calls me today I don't even want to talk about how the night was for her...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Trusting your girl in Vegas... Posted: 8/28/2008 9:21:31 AM
Regardless who she goes with means little-'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas', but seeing it's bothering you now, I'm sure it will be a big issue upon her return. That's the thing. I don't want to be the guy asking all kinds of questions when she returns, or even when she's calls me from the trip. I just don't like being that way, and if I know I'm feeling that way now, it's probably because I'm starting to like her more and starting to feel somewhat jealous, but if I don't trust her, it's my problem and I don't want to insert that kind of dialogue into the relationship, I'd rather just break it off. Like I said, I've observed how she is when we're out together, and I can only imagine it being 10 times worse when she's by herself on a trip like that...

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

When to Step Up... Posted: 8/28/2008 9:10:33 AM
I dated a girl like this. Lot of work for little reward. She'll never fully appreciate you, especially if she is still keeping the ex in her life like that, shared kids or not. At some level she still sees some value in that guy, despite the abuse, and the trauma. The fact that she would casually call him like that and make you look bad in front of people and to him, should show you how much she will still keep that guy in her life. And if you ever were to get into it with this guy in person, she will defend him, maybe even over you, so be careful there as well. If you dump her, which you should, she will find another abusive guy (or even go back the ex). These women are too damaged to ever learn.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Trusting your girl in Vegas... Posted: 8/28/2008 8:55:53 AM
Been dating a girl for about two months. She's a lot of fun, and we have good time generally. Problem is, she gets so drunk and flirty when she's out, sometimes it's embarrassing to me as a guy. We have a fairly casual relationship at this point, though it is supposed to be exclusive, and I don't typically get jealous. But her drinking gets to the point sometimes that she can barely stand and walk on her own, and if I haven't been around a few times, I seriously wonder what would happen to her... She's now in Vegas, left today for 4 days with a female friend from work over the weekend. My problem is, I don't really trust her not to get into anything knowing how drunk she gets and the way she is with other guys when she's out. I didn't say anything to her besides a few casual comments about no bringing guys back to the room etc. before she left which she laughed off as they're sharing a room together. And I'm not the kind of guy that really would - I give people enough room to make their own mistakes... I guess my question is, knowing how she is when I'm around, I can pretty much guess how she's going to be in Vegas, and I don't really want to be around to hear about how much she does or does not remeber about the trip at this point. Would it be wrong to just break up with her when she gets back, or just write it off now. Like I said, she's a lot of fun, but really not the type of girl I could trust in serious relationship as far as I could throw her when she drinks, which she does heavily. I knew the Vegas trip was coming up, but I didn't really give it much thought until now that she's away, and I don't want to sit around thinking about what might go on and what I'm not going to hear about when she gets back... Advice?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 37 (view)

Dating an Alcoholic Posted: 7/16/2008 7:02:19 PM
Actually, as far as the kids, they have this bizarre fear that they don't like to see her fall asleep even when she is watching a movie with me on the couch at night because they're afraid she won't wake up. So they poke her to wake her up, and then call their grandmother and tell her that Mom is asleep and they can't wake her, and her mother automatically assumes it's because she's passed out. This has happened while I'm there, and at least twice then the grandmother will come over and pick the kids up to stay at her house and assume I'm somehow protecting her from letting people know she's drunk!

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Dating an Alcoholic Posted: 7/16/2008 6:27:10 PM
She actually has kids - 2. She has even said that she wants to get pregnant again because she won't drink when she's pregnant... Her own mother won't talk to her because of her drinking. She drinks every opportunity she has, at a recent family barbecue, the second I'd attended, she got so drunk she passed out for four hours, and I was left walking around talking to people I barely knew. Later she said I should have just taken the keys to her car and left (we drove together). On another occasion, one of her friends came up to me and said I was such a nice guy, why did I put up with her getting so drunk? I guess the heart sometimes lets us make decisions we wouldn't otherwise make. As for insulting, I guess I feel like going out with me isn't enough fun for her, that she needs to have alcohol and get drunk to really have a good time. She doesn't even apologize any more for getting so drunk I have to carry her literally from the car into bed at night. Each time we go out, I think it will be different, but it's always the same. Any opportunity where there is alcohol, concerts, work parties, etc. she is always over the top and slurring her words after two hours of non-stop consummation. And yes, the "downtime" is so amazing and she's such a great person, I keep convincing myself that the other side of her is just temporary and something I can deal with.

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Dating an Alcoholic Posted: 7/16/2008 2:07:55 PM
I've been dating a woman for about 3 months now. She has a horrible time with alcohol, and really cannot find her limits. When there is down time, she talks about stress, her ex-husband, etc. and why she needs to release, but I find it personally insulting that she can't control how much she has and her behavior gets really obnoxious and embarrassing, to the point of passing out in the car on the way home almost every time we're out. I really like her, but I'm not sure if I can handle being literally afraid to go out with her at night to places, and I don't think it's anything she can really change. Advice?

timwild08

Joined: 3/12/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Forums and dating Posted: 5/15/2008 11:46:29 AM
This isn't chatting on here, it's getting to know people for potential relationships...my former gf - whom I met on this site tried the same logic on me...she used to say that her regular (every 3 days) log in was to connect with "friends" she already knew and enjoyed corresponding with...well, long story short, she left her POF account open one time on her computer and I couldn't resist...after reading the third UNSOLICITED email with language like "...haven't found what I'm looking for..." "enjoyed your pics and profile...", etc. I got the real picture. Looking at the "view correspondence" and "I made first contact" section was nauseating...I could think of nights I'd left her place at like 10pm and she was on at midnight searching and corresponding... Bottom line, this is a virtual forum no different than going to a bar and hitting on people and collecting phone numbers...if you're doing this in a relationship, you're not completely happy and def not committed...

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