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Thread: Non Medical Fix for ADD/ADHD

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

Non Medical Fix for ADD/ADHD Posted: 3/4/2010 4:10:05 PM
I would venture to guess that most who say ADD/ADHD is purely made up has never worked with kids for more than a half hour at a time. Yes, it is over-diagnosed. Watch a child who has it and has parents that are bound and determined "they could just do it if they tried", "he's just being stubborn" and yes even "If we put her on it, she'll gain weight" (horrors, and false many ADHD meds reduce appetitie and the newer ones have fewer side effects) These kids struggle on a daily basis or give up. They think they're "bad" kids. It takes a toll. Watch a truly ADD/ADHD on the right meds/right diet or behavoir modification program (or combination) and they become totally different kids. Their intelligence has a chance to shine through and they blossom. Many (not all) ADD/ADHD kids who are not taught how to handle how they learn or not medicated become teens who self medicate. The kids do it because they feel crappy about themselves or to try to be able to focus. It's usually not a good thing. Why make a child go through all this? If he/she was blind would you scream at them til they could see? If diabetic, feed them sugar and say "Gee if we just spanked them more, they'd be able to handle their sugar!" There's no one answer. Parents need to keep working with the medical and educational people in their kids' lives until they find what works. *My eye doctor works with kids on visual training for ADD/ADHD... may be one more avenue.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 95 (view)

Father wants to see child after 11 years of no contact........ Posted: 12/5/2009 10:18:48 AM
Hi Caro. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Sounds like you are doing a very good job and she is well grounded. Amazing what so many kids have to go through. Take care.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 93 (view)

Father wants to see child after 11 years of no contact........ Posted: 12/3/2009 5:20:24 PM
Well, it's pretty much a moot point now, but one thing that kind of kept hitting me over the head with this whole thread is this- Yes, allowing her to see her father under very specific, healthy terms may be a good thing for her in the long run, but.... There's a reason she's not feeling comfortable about meeting with him. We need to teach our children to respect their own internal "alarms". Those grown women (and men!) who do not heed such instincts can and have become victims. I'm sure this will make someone irate, but the guy took himself out of her life a long time ago, and does not get a free pass to come back full time if/when he decides. Kudos to mom for protecting her daughter first and foremost. (and yes, I would say the same to a single dad with custody and a similar situation.... too many kids are put at risk to reunite a "family".)

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Anyone had to subject a child 6 or older to surgery? Posted: 11/22/2009 1:22:47 PM
Only experince I've had was when my daughter had her tonsils out just before her junior year in hs. Much different, I'm sure. Lots of good ideas here. The only other thing I can think of is seeing if the hospital has some kind of pre-op program. I think alot do - the kids see some of the areas they will be in and some use toys or dolls to explain what will be happening. Good luck!

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

adjuvented or non-adjuvented Posted: 11/20/2009 3:25:44 PM
"They test for allergies before administering penicillin, if medical care is proper and thorough." I don't know of any doctors who test for a penicillin allergy before prescribing. This I would be aware of as my daughter and I both have an allergy to it. There's that, the number of children I have and those I know with kids - even the ones who have been to children's hospitals and such who I have never heard to be tested before being given a common durg. We inform any medical personnel about the allergy. You wont submit your child to a vacination, but you would make them endure an allergy tests every time a medicine is prescribed? "I never trust doctors who have a conflict of interest." Good luck with that. You will have a difficult time finding a doctor who refuses all contact with drug reps, etc. Push comes to shove, they are making their living from taking care of you. (which they have a right to do) That would be the ultimate conflict of interest I would think. (assuming you are looking for such a thing) Best of luck to you, Openheart. We all do the best we can raising our kids. I hope you continue your research and consider more balanced sources.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

adjuvented or non-adjuvented Posted: 11/19/2009 4:46:36 PM
Ok.... So I work with deaf and hard of hearing people. There are a host of causes of deafness. Many my age became deaf when their mom's were exposed to German measles. (the R of MMR) Over the 28 years I have worked in this field, there have been more than a handfull (and enough to convince me) who became deaf because they contracted a communicable disease (like measles, menningitis, chicken pox and soemthing else at the same time), spiked a high fever and their nerves for hearing were basicly fried. I love the folks I have met in the deaf comunity. They are comfortable with who they are. Still, some hearing loss could have been prevented and frankly the folks who only lost their hearing in such a scenario are the lucky ones. There are more severe impairments, challenges and so forth.... not to mention death... that can result from contracting a preventable disease. Pretty big gamble for you to decide for your child. So.... should we get rid of penicillian too? OP - thank you for the question. Before this I was not aware of the difference between adjuvented and non adjuvented.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Anyone been through this? Posted: 9/29/2009 7:04:11 PM
There are some really good ideas already here. Lilcountry has good advice. You need a good therapist immediately. If you cannot afford one, look into your county's women's resource center. They should have people who will accept you on a slidding scale. A good therpist and support system will help you to not engage in his behavoir. Like it or not, those of us who were abused in anyway did have some part. (we accepted unacceptable behavoir or got sucked into their sick cycle, etc) The kids have learned what they lived - even the ones who swear they will never act like the abuser. They have alot of work to do as well as you do. A good therapist will give you steps to take. Mine did years ago when my daughter exibited some scarey behavoir - he told me exactly what to do - lock up meds and knives, how to respond to her, who to call if she needed to be hospitalized. (we got through this w/o her being hospitalized or further harming herself) It sounds way different, but girls tend to damge themselves, boys lash out or break the law. If you are afraid of your son, who I know you love very much, you need to make clear to him (when things are calm) that his actions are not acceptable and if he hurts you or the other kids you will press charges. (the tough part of it is following through if you have to, but you must) The other kids deserve to be safe. You cannot sacrifice them. If you know anyone who works in social services, have them explain to him that you are only under obligation to feed, clothe and house him. Many kids are surprised at the power parents actually have. You CAN kick him out. I did a few times when my oldest was at his worst. His dad's was not an option and he could only stay at a friend's house for so long. When his behavoir was out of line, he could leave or I could call my nephews (older), my brother or the cops. You CAN take him to therapy. Get him in the car by whatever means. If he doesn't get out when there, take the keys, walk in and let them know. Ultimately, he is the only one responsible to fully buy into therapy & participate if he wants to get better. This part feels and is terrible. There is light at the end of it. All four of my kids, despite all the crap they went through with their dad's and my behavoir,dad's addictive personality and resulting insanity, marriage, divorce and rocky years after, are incredibly good human beings. They work their butts off (2 in college, 2 working FT+) and have huge hearts. They treat me well and take care of each other as well as their friends, SOs and extended family. Theoldest has thanked me for being as tough on him as I was. You need to take care of their mom so she can take of them. You deserve better. Keep doing what you know is right. You're far stronger than you think.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 101 (view)

Mom Jailed over child support Posted: 8/20/2009 12:24:07 PM
myladyshyanne & mddog - amen. Know I am going to incur the "holier than all" wrath from spider, but... So, from what I am understanding from spider and another poster, the deadbeat NCP should be rewarded for picking a decent person to have a baby with and those of us who did not should take on all of their slack. Why is there absolutely no mention that a deadbeat puts him/herself in jail? They know full well they slept with someone and that may produce a baby. They also know full well there are laws that mandate paying child support. So they are in no part a party to being put in jail? Please. Have the state pay court costs and jail fees to CP instead of persuing the deadbeat? And how would one decide which deadbeats should get off scott free? Please do tell. Your energies are browbeating good parents here who do the right thing and frankly end up getting the losing end because of it. We work our butts off and get grief from the likes of you all. If you think deadbeats are getting a raw deal, please go change the laws, take some kids in that need help, help out a NCP who's really struggling or form an organization to help them.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 67 (view)

I am trying to find online.. Posted: 8/17/2009 7:57:13 PM
Good luck. I hope everything works out well for all of you. Just keep being a good mom. Maybe dad will be more accepting now and you all can work out a schedule that works for everyone, especially your beautful baby boy.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 75 (view)

Mom Jailed over child support Posted: 8/17/2009 7:48:50 PM
"Man or woman and do right." Should read man or woman up and do right. Thought I read through and caught any errors. Sure there are more. :)

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 74 (view)

Mom Jailed over child support Posted: 8/17/2009 7:45:19 PM
"You guys date for awhile, the sex is good and you guys (mostly you) talk marraige> he says sure baby whatever makes you happy." Nope, he brought up marriage. "Time goes by and you start talking new house (mainly you) and he says sure baby whatever makes you happy." Strike 2 - He wanted to buy a house when we moved to his new station. I suggested base housing. Granted, I should have stood my ground and rented first... he kept saying we could swing it. "Conversation scenario repeats again and again. His requests are met with a different tone are most times pertaining to sex, going out with the boys and golf (substitute many other man activities) The words Sure baby whatever makes you happy are rarely heard from." annoying buzzer sound wrong again! He was not denied sex, other then when he was too drunk to perform. And yes I married him. Paid for that and then some. He went out with his buddies and took trips when he wanted. (sometimes two weeks after one of the kids was born) He had his "me" time and an attentive wife. "Secondly (and this is where the slave part comes) He did agree to the house, he did basically give you cart blanche on everthing in it, and he did agree to let you have kids. He basically signed on - the slave tat was put on the moment he said I do." We both "signed on". I never had carte blanche. Not even close. I worked my rear end off after he left the Navy (started while he was still in) and have ever since. LET me have the kids? Kids are a consequence of the sex I supposedly denied him. Yep, there was birth control... nope, it doesn't always work. "Your end was to pick the right guy, keep giving him sex just like before you said I do and realize that if he doesn't miraculously transform into the miracle father/husband after the kid comes out its your fault. Regardless of whatever he said before hand, his end of the conversation was influenced by his deep desire to keep having sex with you." I did pick the wrong guy. Problem is, certain types are exceptionally good at picking mates to take care of them. Addicts, folks with certain issues. I was young, stupid and wanted to believe in him and us. I don't think he went into our marriage wanting to get a divorce and to end up abandoning his kids. That's what happened. We were both responsible for the divorce. We're both responsible for the children we created. You do not know me from Adam. Yet, you've decided who I must be and how I must have acted. I have said time and time again I give kudos to the cp and ncp parents who do the right thing. TAKE CARE OF THEIR KIDS - in all aspects of what it takes to raise great kids. Deadbeat moms and dads are scum. The kids never asked to be born, and deserve the best from their parents. If you want to keep hating and tearing down everything you PERCEIVE as anything I remotely did wrong, go right ahead. As far as me throwing him in jail? Any half aware adult knows how the laws are and further if you are even close to a moral person - you will move heaven and earth to take care of your kids. Many deadbeats can't even be bothered to send $20 a month. Man or woman and do right. I was asked repeatedly at conferences what I wanted the hearing officers, etc to do - I told them I just wanted the kids' dad to work as consistently as possible and send what is fair. I never said - put him in jail. A judge did that after 11 years and constant effort on his part to not pay when he said he could not take a job because of a residency requirement. He couldn't move as his 2 stepsons are special needs and where he would have to move did not have services for them. Horse hockey - IDEA requires services for all special needs kids. If they are not up to par it's a parent's duty to fight until they are. The payments? It's pretty cut and dry - # of kids, cp income, ncp income look on the chart and there's the payment. Is it easy? Nope. It's not easy for either party - and it's especially hard for the kids. I haven't had luxuries to speak of the last 15 years but I'm fine with that. I've had something far more precious. He had access to visitation and chose not to see the kids. They were ready every time he said he was coming. I sent him all of the info about their schedules and school info. The kids were encouraged to call their dad any time they wanted to. You're doing a fine job of making yourself pretty clear and what your attitudes are. I'm not explaining myself to you any more. vickvickvick - good, well thought out comments.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

Mom Jailed over child support Posted: 8/16/2009 7:33:58 PM
spider-sorry I miss read the part about custodial dads. Please re-read much of what I wrote. (oh and gee, look - I did not resort to degrading you!) I did give kudos the guys who do the right thing. I gave up man-hating a long time ago. Actually feel rather sorry for my ex - he's a sad human being and missed out on seeing some great kids grow up. Perhaps you need to examine your own biases as well. As for the men who have custody, they should have child support as well. Raising kids is tough, they weren't conceived by one parent and deserve to be taken care of by both. I don't think men persue child support as much because there is a huge stigma attached. Society says they are supposed to be able to handle it and they are less manly if they go after the mom. Horse hockey. The currently slavery I put my ex in? Seriously? Yeah... since my kids were immaculate conceptions (there WERE two of us involved) and since I made every effort for the first four years to keep him involved - sent school/sports/activity schedules and half of the pictures I paid for. Never asked for an increase in cs in 15 years. Got a total of 13 payments since and including 2007. He has been given second, third and 100th chances to do the right thing all around. Sorry, but having kids hits you in the wallet for any parent. I never said I thought the system was perfect in any way. I know alot of good people - both cp and ncp who put their kids first. If more people did so, we wouldn't have all of these problems.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 47 (view)

Mom Jailed over child support Posted: 8/16/2009 11:15:43 AM
You rarely hear men complain about childsupport? The good guys don't, at least when they are being dealt with fairly. I reconnected with a guy from high school on facebook. One of the last times I even read a status update from him was when he posted about how thrilled he was to only have 30 cs payments left. Wow. Here in PA ncp are only required to pay until the child becomes 18 or graduates high school. (unless both parties agree to cont through college) Counting down? Seesh. Don't get so excited. My ex contantly whines about not being able to find the kind of job he wants, how much he has to pay, that he needs to take care of his step sons and 2 younger kids under 5.... Your child didn't ask to be born. Tired of the poor me I cannot find a job comments. I am unemployed myself. EVERY DAY (weekdays and weekends!!) I look for a job. That's my job now. I worked in a school so I got paid for 10 months, but it was spread out to 12 months. That runs out at the end of the month. I am working when called. If I do not have a regular job then I will go full time freelance. (an agency calls me when they have a request) If I have to I WILL flip burgers to supplement that. All of my kids are over 18, but I do what I can to help them. They all work. Two have 2-3 jobs. The women who trick a man into getting pregnant or who lie about who the father is are scum. Just as any ncp parents who whines and/or walks away from his/her kid(s) is. The bottom line is - every time you have sex you take the chance the woman could conceive. It' s not a mystery any more. Take responsibility YOURSELF for birth control and if it fails - the consequenses. Supposedly we're adults. It's about time "parents" acted like it.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Mom Jailed over child support Posted: 8/15/2009 8:59:15 AM
A deabeat is a deabeat - male or female. It can be interms of financial support or in my opinion emotional support as well. It's awful for any parent to walk away from his/her child. My kids and I live in PA, which is supposed to be one of the "better" states at collecting child support. That makes me cringe. My ex owes over $69,ooo down from the $102,000 he owed before our last modificaiton hearhing. The officer convinced me to lower his arrears by $30,000. Pretty stupid on my part. Anyway... the system stinks. We have been apart since '94. In the time since he has worked about 2.5 years consistently. (had a good job with NYC when we split, making about $65k a year) He was charged by the county and the federal system. Finally went to jail in 2007 for 6 months with the county, 3 in a federal 1/2 way house. The only time I've gotten consistent support in the past 6 years or so was while he was in jail in work release. My kids are all over 18 now and no longer elligible. I will persue collecting the arrears. Any money from their dad goes to them. (student loans, college costs, things they need) I won't forgive the arrears because to me it sends the message that the kids are not worth the effort and the ex now has 2 more kids under 5 with his 2nd wife. (she had 2 boys from a previous relationship as well.) He could think this is ok and do it to the little ones as well. There are noncustodial parents who do the right thing and stand by their kids in every way. Alot of them face jail immediately when they get behind because of a reduction in work hours or the like. Not sure why common sense cannot be applied. Cannot understand how anyone can walk away from their kids.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 65 (view)

I am trying to find online.. Posted: 8/14/2009 9:42:21 AM
Carter: I'm sorry. After I posted last night, it occured to me we hijacked your thread. Your concrens over your visitation scheduled with your baby's father are valid. Go with your gut. Seems like many posters have lead you to sites that will give you the info you need. Again, I'm sorry it became a different discussion. Future: I did research before I signed back on today. What I found was about 20 to 1 info where the research said the benefits to breast feeding outweighed possible doubts. However, if you would like to continue the debate a new thread should be started.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

I am trying to find online.. Posted: 8/13/2009 8:58:56 PM
I'll be googling just for my own peace of mind. FACT is, I nursed four kids and might know what I'm talking about. Did a boat load of research before and during the kids' infancies. It's a shame you'd rather put a kid on formula to make sure your agenda first. That's no more right than a mom keeping the child away from the dad. True, there are examples like you ex's but far and away nursing is the best fit - our bodies produce what the babies need. Formula is a substitute. Yes, I used it here and there, but breast feeding is better for the baby (and mom- reduces the risk of breast cancer and helps our "parts" go back to near prepregnancy state) the majority of the time. The shipping thing would be a problem - dry ice is mighty expensive. Why not hand off the frozen bottles when exchanging custody? I call BS

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 58 (view)

I am trying to find online.. Posted: 8/13/2009 5:26:17 AM
Not sure where the "breast is not always as clean as a bottle" comes from. Unless you're dipping your nipples in the mud, it makes no logical sense. Nutritionally - interesting points - I doubt the validity- although I think it would be exceptionally rare for a baby to be allergic to breast milk. Way more are allergic to formula and it can take many many tries to find a formula that does not cause a reaction. If a mother is breast feeding, more than likely she is not going to take drugs/medicines that would be passed on to baby. If she was, she can pump and dispose of it. The use of formula was intially pushed around the 50s or 60s here to go to a more "modern" approach. The companies who stood to make a profit were behind it. Formula or breast milk decisions should be for the child's health. Making it a sticking point once again shows a strong bias against moms freetobe. Sorry that you've had crappy experiences but it is a shame you've gone so militant. Both parents looking out for the kid instead of themselves would be so much better for the child. You would think a dad would be in favor of this- after all the "milk bags" (which is a pretty derogatory way to say breast feeding) would save both parents plenty of money. The price of formula is worse than gas!

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

I am trying to find online.. Posted: 8/10/2009 8:42:05 PM
futureshock: figured I 'd be slammed on the comment I made about the expense of shipping breast milk in dry ice or being concerned about the "dad" having visitation with a baby he does not think is his. Til the DNA test proves otherwise, I don't see him being 100% attentive. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am. I'd just like the kiddo's well being become a primary consideration. Too often the parents forget that this little person they brought into the world should be first and foremost in their minds. Feelings get hurt or a party gets angry and the child seems to be last on the list. OP: Gut instincts are there for a reason. Best of luck to you and the baby. (and "dad" so he can be a good father)

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

I am trying to find online.. Posted: 8/9/2009 6:44:13 PM
Wow.... "milk bag" & "ship by dry ice". I wonder how much THAT would cost? Sure dad would be all over that helping out with the cost. As a former nursing mother, I swoon at your common sense and compassion. (and yes, we did the pumping and freezing thing for when I went back to work so I know what I'm talking about) For the OP. Wait for the DNA to come back as he has some obvious concerns. If he doesn't think the baby is his, I wouldn't assume he would give the level of care he would give "his own". (not saying the baby is not, just that he doesn't see it that way and apparently wont til there's proof) I'm sure I'll be slammed for saying that, but the child's safety has to come first. Good luck.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

When do they have a right to know the truth? Posted: 7/5/2009 9:36:15 AM
Our kids have a way of figuring out what's going on. No matter how much we think we've hidden stuff from them, if they have a fair iq, they will fill in the rest. She has two brothers I'm sure she talks to, plus she is living with his behavoir now. Be honest with her. Answer only what she asks. Keep it age appropriate of course, but kids want to know what happened - they need to know they did not cause the split as most will assume they did. I never went into specifics with my kids about what abuse happened behind closed doors - but they had seen the verbal stuff and figured out most of the rest. I know it's hard to know what to tell her - but she's having alarm bells go off and she needs to know that it's okay to listen to them. Not listening to them and encouraging her to "not stir the pot" is kind of encourgaing her to become or stay a victim. Counseling for sure - you're both still dealing with this. If he needs to not see her as much/at all to maintain your daughter's mental well being, so be it. If she's as bright as you say - I think you need to be especially careful. Many gifted kids are very in tune with injustices in the world and end up self medicating or in many girls' cases, self mutilating to deal with it. You're working 3 days a week and of course he has a problem with that - still trying to control you. You have evidence enough to limit visits. A conuselor and a lawyer could guide you far better than we all can. Good luck. The best thing your daughter has in her corner right now is a loving, caring mom who can get her through this. It can be done.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 86 (view)

Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not? Posted: 6/29/2009 8:38:07 AM
You both put up with it for the sake of your daughter. You both take the high road for her. Neutural drop off/pick up site or you need a non-biased person there. If there was one exchange this emotionally charged there were probably more. Every time that happens, you're chipping away at that little girl's soul. That happens every time you demean the other parent as well. The effects may not show up right away, but they are there. You're teaching her how men and women treat each other by example. Is what you're doing right now how you want her to act/allow in 20 years? If not, reign it in. Work on yourself. The better mom and dad she has, the better her chances. You can't control the other person's behavoir, but you can control your own. Seriously, are you going to look back 10 years from now and be proud of how you acted? 10 minutes from now? If you can't talk to each other, go email and keep it business like and to the point. Only pertinent info about your child. You both know it's there and can be saved - it may keep you to a civil standard. Document, document, document.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise Posted: 6/14/2009 10:31:29 AM
I wish I knew the article, but I read somewhere that children from single parent households can do as well as those from 2 parent, healthy families when there is a stable, available adult - be it the parent, aunts/uncles/grandparents that the kids can fully depend upon, and there is involvement in a religious or community organization. There was one more piece to it, but I cannot remember it! I think a healhty environment is what it comes down to. When we are consistent and they know we will hold them accountable, kids respond. My own kids had me and their grandmom for the 7-8 years directly following the separation and divorce. My mom passed away in 2001, which was extremely difficult for my kids. There was good in that too though. Each one got to give back a bit to Gram after all the years she helped take care of them. My kids had their share of rough times. However, they knew if they got a Saturday detention, they were going to have to pay me for transporation. My oldest got into trouble when he was 16 and ended up in a boot camp. Of course, he hated it at the time and the kids who had been able to afford a "good" lawyer usually got off. Last year, at 23 he thanked me for being tough on him. He knew that had he not been held repsonsible for his actions, his life may very well have gone down hill quickly. My youngest has kept himself passing as he knows if he has to go to summer school, I will pay for it initially but HE will have to pay me back. (about $300 per course) He is graduating Tuesday night. The girls used to come and tell me when they had broken the rules. Yep, there was a punishment but they knew it would be less harsh if they came and told me about it themselves. My kids always knew I believed in them and would go to bat for them if they had been wronged. (like my daughter getting in trouble at school for socking a kid her age who had scraped her little bro's head along the trunk of a tree) They knew that if they screwed up - which to me is part of growing up - there would be a consequence(s). Today, at 18 - 24, they are truly good people with much to contribute.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Serious family situation - advice needed!! Posted: 4/15/2009 3:39:53 PM
Op- I understand the reservations many have about posting here. Best of luck with your daughter's situation. Years ago, one of my daughters was being "groomed" by an adult man. Never came to anything physical, but I wanted to hurt the guy... it's a basic instinct for a parent. Glad you're thinking and doing everything positive you can. Feel free to message me if you want to communicate more. Not an expert at all, but can always listen . BACA is a very good idea. As is contacting victims' services for more help.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 69 (view)

Daughter (7) is being bullied...cant believe it is starting already Posted: 2/26/2009 5:45:30 PM
Ok.... we're talking about 7 year olds. Those that are -"she's obviously weak that's why she's being picked on..." - wow. Most have said many of the things I would say. Many schools are putting programs in place to start mediation and bullying prevention. No one wants any more shooters taking out their anger from years of being bullied and causing a tragedy. And it can happen in your own back yard. A woman I work with used to work in a school where one of these kids killed himself in a hallway one day. (the school is 15 mins away from where I live) He didn't kill anyone else, but it had a huge impact on everyone in that school. Bullies don't do what they do because the other kids are "inferior", which is what one person here has impled. They do it because they have a need to make themselves feel better. If beating someone down physically or emotionally does it, it makes them feel superior if only for that moment. They do it because that's what they've been taught. Back to 2nd grade appropriate responses. Yes, your daughter needs to stand up for herself. She needs to stick up for herself in a way that shows these girls don't deserve her attention. You can help her by listening and making suggestions. Even at 7, she may surprise you with what she can do with some coaching. It may be too young for her, but my kids got a kick out of a song by I think Craig and company called "Do bullies have mommies?" It was pretty silly, but made ya wonder why they act like they do. As my kids grew up, they knew they could hit back if someone threw the first punch. As parents, we give them the tools to diffuse a situation first if possible, then let them know they can defend themselves. Sometimes just "calling" a bully on their scare tactics - letting them know you're not scared can work. One caveat - while my kids know they can defend themselves, they also know that if they do they have to face the consequences as well. Many schools will suspend both, no matter who threw the first punch. Some schools also have a mandatory reporting policy and your kid defending himself ends up having to explain his/her actions at the police station. My son had to do that when he pounded on a kid at school who had threatened to "f___ his sisters til they were pregnant" when the deviant was about 11 and the girls 11 and 9. The other kid punched first. Son got off with a warning when he explained it to the cop.... but the cop also reminded him the kid could have had a weapon.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

Pinching Pennies Posted: 2/1/2009 9:32:06 AM
For museums here in ther states: I don't know if it happens in every city, but here in the Philadelphia area, there are certain Fridays that are free or less to get in - First Fridays in Philadelphia and there is another day similar out in Doylestown. See if your area has any good thrift stores. I don't know about middle school age, but for many teens there are good funky clothes available. You do usually have to have time to go through the stuff though. We have store that sell produce pretty cheap. It's about the only way I can have fresh stuff in the house and still be able to afford it. I can't stand when I buy that stuff at regular prices and have it go bad. Really, your child may whine and complain about not having the same "stuff" as some of their peers right now. In the long run though, they will be far better off having to earn the extras they want. So many kids in college have no idea how to deal with money and end up struggling. My kids are mostly older and appreciate what we do have. They're also much more independent than many of their peers.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Never thought single parents had it so bad. Posted: 1/19/2009 10:33:23 AM
Boy, I'd be in bad shape if that rule was in effect back when my ex and I split. My kids were 3 to 9 years old and I had four. The YMCA never turned us away nor did the summer pool we belonged to. Go back without the kids and ask them to see the rule in writing. Then calmly explain how this discriminates against single parents. If they get any kind of of funding from the local, state or federal level, they should not be able to do this. I could see where if there had been some kind of incident where your particular kids had been unruly and you had been asked to leave. I've seen kids misbahave with 2 parents there. Both of my younger kids were lifeguards, we've been involved with swimming forever, I was an assistant coach and I've never heard of this type of rule.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Good Kids Posted: 12/19/2008 6:42:19 PM
Great idea! Let's see... this is long and my kids aren't little anymore - although they'll always be my babies. :-) My 23 year old son works his rear end off. Smart as can be, he did not go the college route right after high school but will end up successful by anyone's standards. He treats his girlfriend very well, loves his brother and sisters and lets it show. Defintely has a soft spot for his momma. Has been through more than many adults I know and still has a kind heart. Has taken care of friends when one ODed and another passed during the night - gave him CPR til the EMTs arrived. Frankly told me that if I had not made him take responsibility for something he did at 16 he would still be involved in a lot of scary stuff and he thanked me for it. He's also funny as anything and can do almost any accent. My 21 year old daughter is going to college full time while working 2-3 part time jobs. Convinced her boss to set her up to work from her apartment. She will graduate on the dean's list either this May or next Dec. (changed majors so she may need the extra semester) One of her jobs is working with disadvantaged kids who are not native English speakers. She can converse with the kids and their parents in their language, and is going to do community service in Latin America over the summer. She has re-established communication with her dad in a very healthy way - laid out the terms she will accept - positive topics, no bashing mom or her sibs.... Very, very smart and sensitive girl. My 19 year old daughter is a fighter for anyone who has been mistreated. She will stick up for a friend who has been dissed without a second thought. She loves meeting people from all backgrounds and learning together. Extremely bright, gifted writer, has taught herself code to create amazing webpages and knows how to solder a mother board. She's been known to punch guys in the nose who do not take no for an answer. She has written pieces on body image that have made an impact on anyone who has read them. She can speak to just about anyone, as evidenced by when she covered the Democratic debate here in Phila and spoke to the mayor, governor and one of the reporters in our area that she admires. She's also incredibly kind. My youngest is 17 and a senior in high school. The boy can dance and is not afraid to get in the middle of a crowd and do so. He's self taught and plays acoustic and electric guitar, bass (base?), drums and can sing. He's color blind but you can barely tell - he compensates really well. He's always had a mechanical eye (and brain) and is one of the top draftsman in his class and keeps up with all the "old heads" at the plant where he works pt. Not afraid to tell another kid what they're doing is messed up because he won't look cool. He will readily admit it when he's wrong and will try to change that behavoir in the future. Says ILY no matter who is around. Is extremely nice to his girlfriend - his sisters taught him well. All of my kids have been through some rough times. They have always been good kids at heart. They hang out with each other now, which is really neat to see. We crack each other up when we're together. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Reporting an ex for none payment Posted: 11/16/2008 10:41:24 AM
Some people just cannot see past how anything effects anyone other than themselves... and in my eyes, they are the ones who become deadbeats. I'd say your ex is much like this, as she does not seem to get that she is not taking care of the kids you both helped bring into the world. That she throws her boob job on your face is pretty vindictive. Amazing that (at least here is PA) you have to take 2 tests to be able to drive a car, but any idiot can become a parent. Push comes to shove, with my kids I have tried to do the right thing. First and foremost for the kids... they never asked to be born or to have mom and dad divorce. I too had no formal agreement... he was paying $185/month for four young children at the time and even that he welched on most of the time. Finally made everything official as I was getting the idea he would not live up to his end. Still sent him all of the kids' school records, pictures, activity schedules and the like. The kids were ready on time for visits, which he either didn't come for or came late. 14 years later he rarely if ever even calls the kids, works sporadically, has re-married taken on 2 step sons and had two more babies. He now owes over $100k. Not a typo. I struggled for a long time with figuring out what's "right" for the kids. I believe we teach by example more than by what we say. I would dodge questions as much as I could when the kids asked why I couldn't buy them certain things, but once in a while had to tell them I was working as much as I could but just didn't have the money. Since dad had told them on the rare occasion he did pay support, they assumed it was a lot and that he was always paying. At certain times I had to be honest and say he was not at that time. I've always tried to be kind in talking about their dad. Kids are smart and do figure things out. I don't know... I did pursue support. I sent in changes when I knew he had moved or changed jobs. I asked that enforcement do their jobs. In the end, he was charged in the Federal system and eventually served time for both the county and Federal charges. (after 11 years where he only worked about 2 years total) It didn't change anything... but it may have sped up revealing how far he has fallen. He is who he is. When we separated, he was making about $70k a year. He now works a few days a week for the Salvation Army. There's been no support since April and a grand total of 200 this year. The youngest will graduate high school this year. My kids all struggled with him going to jail, not seeing them before that - basicly with all of his actions that could be seen as not caring about them. It has taken its toll. Would it have been better if I had never asked him to be accountable? I don't think so. In my case, I think he would have just not paid at all. Although they hurt because of how their dad is, my kids have all come to some kind of peace with it all. I couldn't sit back and watch him act like I had been the only one there when the kids were brought into the world. I couldn't act like it was okay for a parent to have kids and then walk away. Not pursuing the support would have seemed like the kids weren't worth it. That's just my opinion though. Everyone's situation is a little different. I have great for custodial parents who have not collected any support, have a great job raising their kids on their own, non custodials who move heaven and earth to stay active in their kids' lives and parents who stay positive in every way for their kids. Sorry this is so long. Guess I got on my soap box. I hope you find a good way to figure out what's best for your children. Take care.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Need advice - 14 yeard old son doesn't want to go to school Posted: 10/26/2008 10:15:08 AM
Lots of good things suggested already. More than likely, your son's school has some type of mentor program for at risk kids. Look into that. If there isn't one, key into one of his teachers (or a past coach still there?) Ask that teacher to meet with your son occassionally (once a week or so) and check in. (how are your grades, what big tests do you have coming up, etc) Each of my kids had a teacher in their school who went the extra yard for him/her. It made all the difference in the world. Your school may have a computerized grading system where you can log in and see all the grades for all the classes. If not, ask guidance to set it up that you get weekly emails to keep you up to date. I have nearly done the "going to school with you" thing any number of times. Just going in to talk to his teachers may wake him up that you are concerned. Ask him every night what work he has, what he has to study. Many kids at this age have trouble - if the organizational piece isn't in place, they lose track of everything and may get a zero just cuz he couldn't find something done to turn in. Keep emphasizing that school is his job right now. If he gets back into (or wants to) sports he'll have to pass. Most schools have a policy and there is forced tutoring they have to go to before they are eligible again. Counseing? sure. If you cannot afford places you have checked into keep calling - many have a sliding scale if you're in financial trouble. Look into if your school has a best buddies program. (where reg ed kids pair w/ life skills kids) This type of thing has often been great for boys who are floundering. They find out there is a lot of good they can do, and gets them to think beyond themselves. Good luck. Good luck

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Taking a paycut to spend more time with your children...... Posted: 10/19/2008 7:34:35 AM
It's a balance. Push comes to shove though, your kids have to come first. You're doing what you know is right for your kids, so it doesn't matter who agrees/disagrees with you. Had to do something very similar as my kids went through their teen years. If I worked afterschool and side jobs, we had more money. BUT, they had less supervision as I wasn't home as much. Not a good thing with teens. I've cut back. I now take side/extra work less, and it's worked out. There are times where money is very tight and we've just eked through these times. I'll have more time to work like a crazy woman after my youngest graduates from hs in June 2009. Besides, looking back ten years from now can you imagine yourself saying "Gee, I wish I'd have spent more time at work" or, "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time with my kids"? I can live with thinking maybe I should have tried to make a little more money... wishing I had had more time with my kids? Not so much. Good luck.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 159 (view)

Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner Posted: 10/11/2008 12:38:18 PM
Yep.. been there done that. To NOLA, andserendipity and liz - Thank you for saying and explaining this so eloquently. It's difficult for most to understand. Been a long road. Was married for nealy ten years. Had 4 babies in that time and we moved about 8 times. Ex was charming - most addicts and abusers are - master at finding someone to take care of them. He chipped away at me and I was slowly but surely isolated from family and friends. When I began taking care of me - all the money I had to use to counseling had to come from tutoring I did. Household funds were used mostly to cover his bar tab. The fact that I was going to counseling was used against me. At the time I did see the emotional abuse, finally. I also finally realized that he and I were teaching our children by example, that this is how men and women treated each other. I'd like to say I left. I didn't. The kids and I moved 2 states away for a job that I found. Six months later he admitted that he was not moving down here to be with us. In some ways I was very lucky. Went to counseling for a while. The girls have been as well. It is a slow process, but so worthwhile. I still deal with triggers - a fowl smelling drunk or someone who is alcoholic and has "that" smell coming through their pores, an abuser yelling at their SO or kids. What I didn't even realize until I finally started dating again was that there had been sexual abuse. Thinking about getting close to my guy brought it back. Luckily for me, he is extremely kind and understanding and has been helping me overcome this part of it. Seeing me now, most people cannot imagine the mouse I had become before. Still... you come to a point where the curtains are lifted and you see the abuser for who they really are. While I wish my kids had not had to see the things that they did, we worked hard to have them be as healthy as possible. They do not know all of it. All good wishes to those who are in the midst of this, have been through or are supporting us. If you're in it now - you DO have the strength to get out and be on your own. You are worthy of being loved and will be.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Acceptable child support purchases.... Posted: 10/1/2008 1:34:10 PM
Call me crazy, but it has always been easy to account for what I spend on my kids. I would only need to account for about a month's worth of expenses to justify child support being spent responsibly. I spend the cs plus whatever the kids need. The cs, at least what the kids have gotten the last ten years or so hasn't even been close to meeting half of their expenses. I've worked my rear end off to make sure they're well taken care of and would do it all over, and then some, in a heart beat. I could never have a discussion with my ex about the kids needs, his responsibilities, and how I spend any child support the kids get. It has been and always will be about him, his problems and why everything is so hard for him. I wish there was a possibility of having a normal discussion. His 17 yr old son has not stopped needing food, shelter, clothing and everything else just because dad has chosen not to work since April. (and yes, he does work pt in addition to taking care of his school and tech school responsibilities - which come first) Funny, but kids still have needs even when their parents cannot see fit to keep a job. OP - if you know you are spending responsibly, do not let him suck you into a power struggle. Keep the receipts for your own peace of mind. Unless it is in the decree or any subsequent order I do not feel you need to justify what you do in any way. I have known non custodial parents who paid on time yet it was obvious fund were being misdirected. Unless there's some reason to think that's the case, it's juts not necessary. Just my two cents.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

How Do I Explain to Her Where Daddy Is (and Why He's There?) Posted: 9/22/2008 1:51:22 PM
Yikes. A 3 year old having to go see a convicted murderer? Alarms bells. MIL gets the baby a month at a time, three times a year... that's 1/4 of the year. I am astounded. The man kills his wife and he still gets daddy time? What a travesty. I know the courts are a pain to deal with in the best of situations but this is just wrong. I thought the supreme court came down with a decision that parents had the ultimate say in if children had visitation with grandparents. Maybe I was wrong. Is MIL all there? She raised the sob. I would have huge reservations about my baby going with her and letting her take the baby to the big house. Does the 3 yr old have a gaurdian from the court - lawyer to oversee what's best for her. Sorry if I seem like chicken little here. This just reeks of being wrong inside and out. If you cannot fight the visitation, so what's in your gut and tell her what's appropriate for age, answer only what she asks and as kindly honest as you can be. I'm hoping you have some kind of counseling available. Most prison systems have some kind of social services that in this case should extend to your sweet little girl. I guess I am this alarmed as I have seen what a short stay at a county facility and then a fed half way house did to my kids. They were 17-23 at the time. Each had already come to some place of peace with how their dad is, but it still got to them in different ways. (maybe except my oldest, he wrote his dad off about 7 years ago) My youngest had a bad year in school, and this is the only thing that was different. My 2nd ended up in crisis, which was bad at the time but got her back to counseling. This time she did not just tell the therapist what she figured out he wanted to hear. She's done a great job working through this. My 3rd was most surprising. She had no contact w/dad and was done. After he was jailed, she had a bit of a downward spiral all the while maintatining high grades in her first year in college. I can't help but wonder what kind of year she would have had without the nonsense. They're all in a better place as far as their dad goes. He, last time we heard, had been kicked out of wife #2's house and was living in a shelter somewhere in Houston. (and called the 21 yr old for help - she did not go or send him money) Best wishes doesn't sound good enough... but may you have all the strength you need. Take care.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Mother attacks man after attempted assault on daughter Posted: 8/27/2008 7:50:36 PM
This one strikes a nerve big time. I agree and respectfully disagree with the posts so far. First - we all do our best to educate our kids about avoiding strangers. We sing songs with younger kids to re-enforce this idea, establish code words and so forth. We do the very best we can to keep our kids safe. However.... ask a child under age 10 or 11 to point out who a stranger is. Most will describe or point out a bum, someone who looks mean, etc. Most pedafiles (sp?) do not fit a child's idea of what a stranger looks like. When we're all sitting here, discussing the matter rationally and in abstract we all know the right thing to do. My daughter is an exceptionally bright, articulate young woman. We've had discussion since all of the kids about who they should go with, how to stay safe, etc. I am the mom who used to put all their contact info in their shoes on little cards when we went on trips... did everything I could to keep all of the kids safe. My smart, street savy girl met a mentor at about age 15. It was her first year of high school. To make a long story short, he was grooming her. We discovered it in time. We went to the police and handed them the computer this "mentor" gave my daughter so she could design a website for him and print outs from poems he had written other girls and IMs about how their bodies felt when they were bathing. My daughter had to re-tell her story 3 times to male officers and explain to one how IMs work. After many months, major crimes said there was not enough evidence to press charges. The police haned me the computer to give back to the "mentor". A large male friend was nice enough to return the computer to the "mentor" and made clear he was to never have contact again. It was all the friend could do to not hurt this guy. We did all the "right" things. But by all that is holy, this is one time in my life I seriously wanted to physically harm another person. It was a gut thing. If I had seen him in person anytime after we found out what was going on, I would have. And he never assaulted her - the mere idea that he was working toward that was enough. Sad thing is - he is an assistant coach for a girls' high school team and "mentors" senior girls for their graduation projects. The school has received a letter telling them to watch him and why. They are now legally bound to do so. (if they do not and girls are abused after receipt of notice they are in big trouble) You really just do not know unless (Heaven forbid) anything even remotely similar happens to your child. Or maybe I am just not the good person I thought/think I am. So be it. Best wishes that there is less reason for this type of story.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Dead beat mothers....yes mothers Posted: 8/11/2008 7:16:21 AM
I wish we could line up all deadbeat parents and flog all of 'em - moms or dads! (only partly kidding!) Stick to the high road.... which to me is making sure you keep your son first. More than likely, you cannot out and out refuse visitation. You in jail does nothing for your son. However, you set it up where she picks up to start the visit. If she acts true to form, many times she won't come. My approach has always been, he can have visitation, the kids were aways ready on time. It breaks your heart to watch them wait and be disappointed, but you have to resist the temptation to bash the other parent. It tears apart the child when/if we do that. Answer his questions when he asks, honestly but as gently as possible and in a way that's appropriate for his age. Kids are far smarter than we give them credit for and he will have her figured out pretty quickly. As crappy as all of it is right now... I believe in karma and that "you reap what you sow" saying. You're raising a great little boy now, which is a honor in itself and even with all the hard work, the little things where you get to see him score in soccer or perform in the school assembly make it all worthwhile. Deadbeat parents stink!

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

What To Do? Kids Body Part Naming Posted: 8/6/2008 8:25:52 AM
Think I clicked wrong... meant to reply to the OP. My kids are now 23, 21, 19 & 17. I dunno, I think as part of open discussion for topics as they mature, you go with the actual names. It's (they're) body parts. My ex and I had differing opinions on this while we were married. I used actual names - penis, vagina, etc and he used Nicky and bottom. The girls figured out it didn't make sense. Was there a front bottom and a back bottom? The nic names just get weird. I can still clearly remember my oldest son's face the time he met a new friend at the play ground. Mine says, "My name's Liam, what's yours?" to which his new friend says, "Nicky." He just kind of looked at me with a puzzled look. On the way home, we talked about how that was his nic name for Nicolas and nicky was just what Dad called penises. Seesh. Kids are amazing though, they quickly figure out what's appropriate at which house.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

At my wit's end... Posted: 8/4/2008 9:59:22 AM
Well, I'm not saying that every kid has to face this, it's just something I had noticed happens. Depends on so many factors. All moms worry... and I dare say dads, too. Maybe in a different way... and some parents not so much. The whole heart walking around outside your body from the minute they're born/held. Sounds like your son has a good support system. Bravo! to you for that, you would be amazed how many kids do not have that. Take care all.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 33 (view)

At my wit's end... Posted: 8/4/2008 7:26:07 AM
First and foremost, there is a lot of great info here from fellow moms and someone who lives with this everyday. You're a great mom and your kids are doing and are going to do fantastic. While administrators and yes some teachers will groan when "squeaky wheel parents" enter the building, (because they know they are in for a 3 hour IEP or that said parents are not going to take no for an answer) by and large, the majority of staff I know also greatly respect these parents and know they're hearts are in the right place. I've been on both sides of the IEP table, and my hat's off to you. I work primarily with deaf kids, high school age. One thing that struck me that no one has mentioned yet is this: around middle school age through early high school, many special ed kids run into a brick wall emotionally. They reach a realization that - the problem isn't going to go away, the kids who were more tolerant and accepting in earlier years are now too obsessed with looking cool to make the same amount of time for them or for some - they just aren't going to be following the same path "most" of the "regular" kids will be after high school. I don't know if any of these apply to your guy. Just food for thought. I've seen the deaf kids deal with losing friends they had in elementary and early middle school and it breaks your heart. I've also saw one of my favorite students (yep not supposed to but it happens) hit this wall right before her senior yr. She is deaf and has cp which has effected her cognitively. Her spirit and people skills well makes up for it, but she "got" that she wasn't going away to college like her classmates or would learn how to drive. (most deaf kids can) She has parents much like you - her biggest advocates. They got her through that summer and from what all of them would tell you they all cried, broke things and got through it together. She has 2 jobs and is an even more groovy person now. Your son is way smart, so he may have figured this out eariler than most . Gifted kids can be more sensitive than a lot of other kids. I had the privilege of having a girl with Aspergers in a class I interpreted a few years ago, and man the stuff she could tell me about biology! She was also funny as all get out. Yes, asp. kids have emotions, they just don't seem to pick up on social cues incidentally like many kids do. (sorry if I'm babbling I didn't sleep last night) I'm so glad you're treating for the ADHD. It's so difficult to watch kids struggle who have it and either they or their parents refuse to treat it, especially when there's a multiple diagnosis. Keep up the good fight.

janni62

Joined: 3/19/2008

Msg: 186 (view)

I told my son (9) I pay his child support Posted: 7/28/2008 10:43:05 AM
Op - you know your child better than anyone, so you follow your heart and you do your best. I have four kids, ages 17 - 23. (there's only one still on child support) We've been dealing with child support since their dad and I split in 1994. In my ever so humble opinion, you let the kids lead in what they need to know, meaning: You answer their questions honestly in an age appropriate manner. You also do not bash the other parent. It chips away at the kids. My own kids had a good idea of what was going on most of the time, and they knew they could ask me if they wanted. Their dad paid inconsistently if at all. He saw them less and less. (and yes, I would have let him see them and sent school and activity schedules) The only time I really brought it up was when either they were nagging the begeebers out of me and I would finally have to explain we did not have the money, partially because dad was not helping financially or something like one of the utilities was shut off. It's not bad that Op was explaining about it. There is a huge lack of teaching our kids about money, and you cannot start that the second they become a certain age. I think it's much like sex ed at home. You teach them starting at a young age by calling their "parts" the correct names, etc. I wish my kids' dad had taught them by example what being a good dad is all about. Age appropriate, honest without being hurtful to them or the other parent, act the way you want them to act when they become adults. I think we all do the best we can with the resources we have/don't have at any particular moment. Ya love 'em and do your best. Luckily for me, my kids are great people at heart and are turning into fantastic adults. Good luck op

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