What's so wrong with being honest? chat & forums.

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grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

What's so wrong with being honest? Posted: 10/3/2009 12:05:47 PM
I agree it would be a much better world if people posted recent and honest photos and even said in honesty that they want a fling or they want the real deal, or even they aren't sure what they want and would more just want to date around until someone clicks so well that they would commit. I think it would also be a better world if men and women just were honest...even if it hurts. Tell that man who emailed you that you're not into bald guys, or you want someone better looking or taller. Tell that woman who emailed you that you don't want single moms and/or you want someone slimmer who didn't chop their hair short. Why do people lie on their profiles? The answer is that they want RESULTS more than an ideal match. The man looking to get laid might just decide that these women don't mean much to him and he can easily hide at home when one gets mad, so he'll lie as much as he needs to in order to get a date with the hot girl who's rejecting everyone, or even lay a woman by making her think he's in it for the long term. Women lie too...mostly on their photos and other factors they know will become the red flags many men run from. It's a sad state of affairs and it's why many ideal people leave online dating and speak so poorly of it. My only advice to men or women who meet liars on this site is to first be honest with yourself. Were you so hoping that he would be tall, wealthy, and handsome that you looked past a couple of obvious falsehoods? Were you so infatuated with the idea of a trophy girl or a girl that's out of your league that you would put up with her flaky behavior? Second...take your time, even if he/she isn't wanting to. If they leave, then so be it, but don't let yourself get trapped into sleeping with someone quickly because you're afraid he/she will leave. Don't be out there spending loads of money on someone thinking that he/she will stick around. If you believe this person is looking for reasons to leave, then let them go. If you believe this person is lying, then call them out on it or hold off on the one thing you know they want and see when the lies come out. You will never know a person is honest or not right off the bat. You can't tell from profiles or emails. You have to unfortunately invest a little time into them with one or a few dates, and then see who they really are. Also you need to be strong enough to walk away when you know this person isn't who they made themselves out to be. Biggest problem I see especially with women is they'll give 1000 chances to a liar because they're obsessively clinging on to that fantasy he portrayed himself as early on...when all he shows now is his real self.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

Where to meet people that are datable over 30? Posted: 9/23/2009 10:59:08 AM
I think the first step is to imagine the ideal single folk you want to meet... ...then really think deep about where those singles would be. Single 30somethings do go to bars, but they're not out at 10PM til 4 or 5AM. They're instead out after work for drinks with coworkers at more quieter and more fun spots. Not the fashionable spots. If you can handle yourself well at bars, then maybe check out some of the after-work spots. They also go out to bars on weekends at times to watch sports with friends. They also cling a lot to their friends, so it's good to have social capital. Make friends, they will know single folk. That's how I met my GF. I would also check out the kinds of social events that 20somethings might not normally go to. Fun classes of sorts, social sports, charity events, etc. I know these all sound like the typical fare, but I'm 36 and I think of where I've been where I meet people my age. 20somethings are all about the fashionable spots and the "get crazy drunk" spots, but 30somethings are seeking more social places that aren't about heavy drinking or looking like a celebrity. I've seen many run out and join meetup.com, but they end up coming back to complain how all the meetups are full of "ugly dorks" or middle aged folk. I tell them in return they aren't picking the right kinds of things to do. I am part of a drum circle meetup. I never went to meet women, I went to play drums. I never fathomed some hot looking single girl there...simply because I know hot single women will generally not be there. Other than that, join a dating site, but stay open minded on it all and be patient. The biggest problem I've seen with most 30something singles I've encountered is that they are either not seeking anything serious, or they want something serious very quickly, and most of them seem to still be seeking out the hottest looking thing out there...when most of what they meet are Average (but attractive) Joes and Janes. NUMBER ONE THING THOUGH...have a good and growing circle of friends. Biggest mistake I see many 30somethngs make is they cling too hard to friends who themselves are all "settled down" and thus don't know many people outside of family. Find some friends who aren't all tied down, even if they aren't single. Ones who are sociable, not cliquey. Those are the ones who will find you possible singles...because they know a lot of people.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

Verbal Rejection vs Silence Posted: 9/10/2009 2:05:45 PM
I prefer a verbal rejection over silence/avoidance. Verbal tells me she respects me enough to be honest with me. Silence says she's so afraid of confrontation that she will avoid things that may be hard, plus in some ways makes me feel like she doesn't respect me enough to tell me what's on her mind. I do agree though that it's stupid for a guy to then get into the 1000 questions of "why" and try to argue/convince her to give said guy a shot. Give me a break. You want to really show you're a weakling, then do that. I'm sure that'll make said woman so hot for the guy and make her want to bang him right then and there. "The way he begged and pleaded me for a date just made me so...horny!"

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

Is college really date central? Posted: 9/10/2009 1:56:25 PM
If you think you're more "feminine" because of your major, then this will haunt you til you die. Not saying you should change majors, but change your mindset. Also get away from trying to meet women in class and try to meet them in social settings where the major isn't the big thing.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

this is why guys want older women Posted: 9/10/2009 1:53:38 PM
I would only be supportive of the "older women" thing in terms of older men and telling them why it's better to pursue someone their own age rather than deal with the drama of some young 20something girl. My GF is 34...wonderful woman...and I wouldn't trade her for any 18-23 year old piece of hot tail. All I've seen out of the "young eye candy" is drama. Better to be with someone my own age (I'm 36) and have things a lot smoother, happier, and better.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

At what age do you Just Give Up? Posted: 9/10/2009 1:42:08 PM
I think if you want a family and you're getting older you should seriously think about whether or not biological children are a necessity. Plenty of attractive single moms out there, as well as adoption if it's too late. I think people should have kids when they are ready for them. I'm still on the fence about them because I'm just not sure if I want to give up that much of my life for a family. If I want to not be able to work late, go out on weekends, travel, live it up, buy stuff I want, etc. Some think that's a selfish way to think, but I think it's more selfish to bring children into this world when you're not really going to be a good parent to them. If I change my mind though, I can always adopt. I don't feel that my "genetic material" makes any real difference on how a child grows up to be an adult. I believe it's how you raise them and take care of them.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 43 (view)

Dating frustration in your 30s? Posted: 8/24/2009 7:14:29 PM
John...30something women aren't out at the trendy bars at night. They're usually out after work. Happy hours, etc. They'll hit up the martini bar from 6 til 9 or 10 then head home. They also go to charity events, weekend daytime things, and art openings. They're just not in the "going out like you're in your 20s" lifestyle. Look further than the obvious spots.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 44 (view)

37 and still single? Why won't a woman date me? Posted: 8/24/2009 7:12:34 PM
I'm not going to dive into this. This is a "woe is me" and "girls are shallow" topic. If you can't find what you want then seek help in person. Dating coach, matchmaker, etc.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

How often is it, that over 30 men WANT children, but can't get them? Posted: 8/24/2009 7:10:36 PM
Perhaps before we jump to conclusions, maybe he's just here because he wants opinions. It's hard to find web forums with level and semi-level headed people. Lord knows I'm in a RL, but I still chat here. So assume his topic is just on parenthood and nothing more. His wife is able to have kids, but unable to bear the physical chore of being a mom. Do men in their 30s want kids of their own but can't get them? We saw one example here of a man who waited and/or perhaps like many guys had a lot of bad luck in dating, thus now the women they meet are all kidded-out...meaning they had a few kids and do not want anymore (regardless if it's marriage or not). It sucks, but I think if children are that important to you then you need to find a person who will want what you want. If she's a single mom or not, you want a family so find someone who wants to have a family with you. I will say though as we all age, the idea of "blood children" should not be a mandatory...because you're setting yourself up for a very hard and lonely road. I find it funny when I see late 30s guys say they won't raise another man's children, but they want a family...then complain how all the women they meet do not want kids, and the younger women won't consider these men. You have to accept you're older and options are limited. I am still on the fence about children, mostly because I turn 36 next week, am not ready to marry my GF of one year yet (nor is she ready) and we both have things career-wise we want to do in our lives. However, I'm not into this "importance" people put on having hereditary children. I told her if it gets to be too late and we want a family we'll adopt, foster care, etc. I still believe a child's adult personality and mannerisms are more learned, not passed on genetically.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

How can you be a nice guy w/out being put in the friend column? Posted: 7/19/2009 9:11:51 PM
Don't "be there" for her when you two are not dating. That means you're not there to hang her painting or giving her a ride to the store when you're not dating. Also...make it pretty clear what you want when you approach and get into things with her. Don't be creepy, but be manly and somewhat flirty. If she's going to walk, then you at least didn't waste more time. Finally...don't accept the friendzone. She says "let's just be friends" you simply and politely say no and goodbye.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Dealing with Depression that is stopping the Development of a Relationship Posted: 7/19/2009 9:07:34 PM
The situation is quite serious so I would prefer no smartass comments at all but would very much welcome any suggestions whether they may be to let it go (although I'd like to hear reasons why that is the best course of action) or something else. I'm not going to be a smartass here Richard, but more blunt and honest. End it...walk away. Seriously. My experiences have shown me that it's very very hard to find an attractive woman who isn't "messed up" in some way, shape, or form. I've met many women who are just mentally and emotionally damaged by many factors, mostly other men. As a guy I know I shouldn't "betray" my own gender, but I've seen way too many women a total mental wreck simply based on either the father who didn't love her to the many bad decisions she made with men...generally the usual case of bad boy after bad boy that she kept thinking "this is all I deserve in life", and thus they damaged her further. I don't blame men all the way. I blame these women as well for their own lack of seeing reality and being so controlled by emotion that they lead themselves down their paths that end up with them suffering from massive insecurity, depression, etc. I used to be like you. I was the typical nice guy who first clicked with them when they were happy and seemed altogether, but when they crashed I felt compelled to be supportive and good to them, the way I always thought a man should be to his woman. I'd find every time...each and every time...that the more love and support you hand them the more they push you away, until they run from you and into the arms of yet another douchebag that will continue their mental destruction. I personally have had it, and I had to become cold and walk away from women when I saw the damage. It's one of the biggest red flags I see in women, and even a lot of why I get reluctant on marriage and such. I'm sick of dealing with "woe is me, I'm a victim" cases of women who can't seem to wake up and take real accountability for their own decisions they made in life. I want to be a boyfriend, a lover, a partner, a husband, etc...not a therapist. My current GF has some issues that are making her depressed right now, but we're working through them, because I see her as worth it. However, if life suddenly becomes her depressed every friggin day of the week and thus things aren't happy or fun anymore, then I don't care how much it hurts her, I'll end it and be honest about why. My heart goes out to all the women who didn't have loving fathers, or even the ones who gave their heart to someone that destroyed it, or to the ones that spent their lives being told they're ugly and worthless...but I was picked on all my childhood. I never could find a GF until I got into college. I had plenty of bad decisions with women in my past...but I worked through it on my own and just decided life is too damn short to spend every day running and hiding from it. That's why I tell you Richard, and all guys out there...don't try to be their savior. Don't try to be their therapist or support group. Just walk away and be honest about why. These damaged women need to wake up and deal with their issues, as opposed to rolling around in them on a daily basis. I know it's not something you can just flip a switch and make it go away, but if these women want to find love so badly, then they need to let the past go and move on. Realize how many possible great times they are tossing away. I'd rather be alone now than deal with headcases. It's tired...and I'm sure there are plenty of women who are sick of men who have mental/emotional issues.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

I am beginning to wonder if this is why I am still single? Posted: 7/10/2009 11:57:55 AM
Is it really that bad that I would rather be single then settle for someone I am not that into? I don't think it's bad. However, I think you have to be 100% able to happily accept being alone for the rest of your life if you want to take on that ideology. I think it's fine to want someone who has certain qualities and such, but I say it over and over that standards are only good if you can actually attain them. If you want the marriage and family in life, then you might want to look over that laundry list and ask what you think are truly important and what are trivial. If you can live without finding "the one" and don't care if you have children or not, then by all means...hold out for Mr or Ms Perfect. The article though talks about why a lot of RLs fail, citing that the cause are two people so more in love with themselves and their own ideas of a RL that they forget that it's about two people. When it seems their own personal pleasure is regarded as the highest priority over anything else, including making your mate happy.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Why are you fussier at 30+ Posted: 7/10/2009 11:55:00 AM
Most 30somethings seem to think their string of bad decisions and bad luck means they can set the bar higher than normal. Most of the time they're simply looking for someone to convince them to give up their comfortable single life.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 132 (view)

Why are women so against dating a man who is 30 and living in his mother's basement? Posted: 7/10/2009 11:50:06 AM
Mike...never explain yourself...period. You have nothing to apologize for. I put it this way to everyone...what if your only choices in life were decent, attractive, down-to-Earth, loyal, committing people...but they all live with their parents. OR...people you later end up complaining about who all live on their own? For women, imagine it as every guy who is on their own only wants to sleep with you and nothing more. For guys, imagine it as every woman who is on their own is only out for a guy with money or is the type that would later cheat on you. I know my hypothetical situation sounds extreme, but I always get a laugh out of those who look down on many who are at home because they decided not to do the American thing. Maybe they are so ethnic that they want to stay with the p's til they tie the knot...or even one is elder enough that he/she doesn't want to leave them. I know I heard enough "there are plenty of fish out there living on their own", but it's astounding the men and an women I've seen who pass those judgments are also the ones complaining endlessly on how they can't seem to find a decent person that wants something more than a good time or ulterior motives. Sometimes for all the men who want the good girl that will be a loyal wife, she won't come packaged as the out on her own independent living her life Sex and the City style female. Same deal to the women. The guy who will marry, never cheat, have children with you, love you, and respect you may not come packaged as the successful yuppie in his nice condo with nice car. He might be the good earning guy who is taking care of his mom and actually bought the family home off her. You all are free to think what you want, and I can't blame anyone for rejecting someone who basically is the loser. The one with no goals, ambitions, and lives at home because he/she is avoiding responsibility in life. However, for all the complaints I've seen and heard of how either the pool of singles has gotten fatter, older, uglier, creepier, or even how many just want nothing more than sex...perhaps this isn't something you should rule the opposite sex out on...especially if marriage and family are things you really want in life. If I made 6-figures, worked out, got a half million dollar condo far away from my parents, drive a Mercedes, and can easily pick up hot girls every week for flings...why would I give that up to get married and have kids? Think about it.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 126 (view)

Why are women so against dating a man who is 30 and living in his mother's basement? Posted: 7/8/2009 10:01:12 AM
Being a former boomeranger (check out Elina Furman's "Boomerang Nation"), I would tell any adult male or female living at home to be careful how you package your situation, as well as realize there will be people who will instantly reject you regardless. With the economy the way it is, and even many calling on Americans to care for their own elderly as opposed to the system doing it, we could see a big return of European values where families remain together way longer than most would ever imagine. We might see more children grow up and stay home until married...just because of the high cost of living. We might also see many who get married later take in their elders into bigger households...partially to help them get a bigger home but also to care for them. I've seen many instances of adults living at home because they wanted to save money, or they had a hard time in life and their parents helped them out, or even just because they love their families enough that they don't see why they should move out. Even when I was home I always found it funny how Americans claim to be a country of "family values", but these values are to get as far away from your parents as possible when you hit 18 and then put them into old folks homes down the road, rather than care for them. My case was simple. I was out, working, things were good, then the recession of 2000 hit. I lost my job, spent years trying to find full time employment. I was struggling and down to a zero in savings and such, when my parents suggested I move home and regroup. I did, worked to get a Masters, saved up a big down payment, and thus have a condo now in this depression...plus job security. Did it affect my dating? Hell yeah. I guess that's the price one pays, but I look at it now and think I was lucky. I saw all those women who rejected me for who they truly were and not what I'd hope they would be. I'm currently with a wonderful European-bred woman who wouldn't have judged me back then like that...and more loves how I am very close to my family. Things happen for a reason I guess. I think boomerangers don't need to apologize for their choices in life. Not everyone is the same. I think if you're at home because you can't support yourself, then you need to make a plan and stick to it. I will say I had a plan back then...get a Masters, save money, and build myself to be recession-proof. Make a plan and stick to it. Put dating on the back burner. When you're in the plan and it's just a matter of time, then embrace your choice. If you're at home caring for an elder and someone rejects you, see it as a blessing and not a curse. I look at all the women who rejected me in my life as breakups, drama and divorces I won't have to face. Blood is thicker than water in my book...and I won't ever choose a GF over my family...unless my family is being unfair and ridiculous. Elina's book seem to be available online for free -- http://books.google.com/books?id=FOsfTMcYkhgC&dq=%22boomerang+nation%22&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=Gc1USqSfCseJtge2qsikCA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 82 (view)

Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy? Posted: 7/8/2009 9:40:32 AM
"Drama Free" means that she lives a normal responsible life and doesn't have a constant barrage of childish fighting, behavior, or other misfortunes all over her. She's someone in control of herself and while she'll have a past, it's not a constant problem in the present. Number one amount of drama are the women with fragile egos. The ones who seemingly get into teenage battles with peers, despite that they're all adult age. The ones who seem to be gossiping all the time and getting into squabbles over stupid things. I also call someone with a lot of drama those who hang with people like that. So if your friends are constantly backstabbing one another and/or causing trouble in life, then that's drama. "Drama free" means you're 100% OVER the exes and any bad experiences. Daddy didn't love you growing up? Doesn't matter because you're fine...you got therapy and throw darts at his picture. You never shed a tear about it and work hard to never be like him. You dated not one, but a string of bad boys who all became jerks that emotionally damaged you? Doesn't matter because you're fine...you don't carry torches for them or question your self-worth. PLUS you learned what a real man is compared to the fantasies you carried. Someone with drama and baggage would be the kind who cries at night and is an emotional wreck with massive trust issues because she let her own bad decisions destroy her life. Women with drama and baggage always pick jerks as boyfriends...over and over...then come to the nice guys later in life because they're desperate. "Drama free" means you have a stable life. You work, pay your bills, do your routines, and maybe come off as "boring" to some "children". You're not constantly losing your job or struggling to make ends meet. You have something to offer both employers and men...rather than just a pretty face who realized she can't get by in life on looks alone. NOW...in terms of actual children, most men don't mind women who are single moms. What we don't want is the psychopath douchebag who shows up at your place screaming at you in a drunken rage after midnight. We don't want to hear about the baby's daddy who never gives one penny of child support and how life is so hard. We don't want to have to jump through massive hurdles to go out on a date with you because you can't seem to get any alone time and can't afford a sitter. We certainly do not want to be measured up to be a replacement husband/daddy. "Drama free" means a healthy, happy, fun RL that isn't loaded with massive amounts of insanity that drive us away. If your life is a mess...fix it. Don't just go looking for a man thinking that will fix it all.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 967 (view)

Why do hot girls never give a chance to an average looking guy? Posted: 6/28/2009 10:39:09 AM
I'd also like to throw out there to the "average joes" and "average janes" that you should not look at the upper echelon of men and women in the physical looks department as "luckier". It's funny how many average joes and average janes are finding Mr or Ms Right, marrying, etc...while the upper echelons are getting older and constantly complaining how there are no good men or women out there. I read some article somewhere called the "Bachelor Paradox" and in one part the author spoke of how it seems the better looking people keep constantly holding out for "something better" than what they see around them that they end up shooting themselves in the foot. Author Jillian Strauss also alluded to that in her book "Unhooked Generation". I see it too, the guys that most women drool over seemingly carry an attitude that they don't trust women and will never commit to anything more than a one night stand, or they'll talk endlessly of how most of the hot women around them are worth a lay, but haven't met one yet they would marry. Same deal with the women most guys drool over. They get too many guys coming on to them (most of them willing to lie through their teeth to get her into bed) and thus they have a hard time trusting men and even other women (some get catty), plus many of them take their pains as a belief that they should shoot for a better class of male...but often times focus on the wrong characteristics that should be the "better". Now then, my point to this is for all the average joes and average janes who are out there being rejected by anyone they find attractive, look at yourself honestly and see if you are the type of man or woman who someone like that would want. We tend to all play by this double-standard where we believe we can shoot for a higher level than we are actually able to get, but the other gender should "come down to reality" and such. The hot people of the world aren't always living the best lives when it comes to love. Look how many models and celebrities seem to never be able to stay married. Y0ur goal isn't supposed to be some hot thing on your arm, but the person you can wake up next to every morning. If you're average and the "hot" are rejecting you, then what's wrong with going after the averages of the opposite sex. Let the hot ones who keep holding out for a bigger better deal end up alone in life.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

What is in between marriage and being single? Posted: 6/26/2009 12:54:16 PM
If you want to adpot or raise your own kids with your own home, money, etc...and take on 100% responsibility, then go for it and good luck. The angst from many is your post more or less came off like you wanted to get into a RL with some woman, have her bear your children, but never marry her and even leave her "when you get bored" to pursue some other women. To many that comes off as trying to have your cake and eat it too.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Just my general opinion through observation. Posted: 6/26/2009 6:02:05 AM
I agree with you Monty. Too many people dive into the dating world too quickly from a breakup. They either are under the logic that they quickly want to be in a RL as fast as possible so they won't have to face singledom, or worse they've put themselves on some massive "deadline" to find someone before old age sets into their minds. One needs time to heal the wounds...move on, etc. Take out the paranoia of not finding something that goes with your life schedule. Take your time...really find the right person...even if it means you end up marrying at 40 and have to adpot or get fertility treatment to have kids. Better that than more divorces/breakups.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

Are men on here really interested in marriage Posted: 6/26/2009 5:41:43 AM
If you're serious about getting married within the next two years, you're on the wrong website. POF is pretty casual. I'd agree here too. I am not knocking POF, but I'd tell anyone that you shouldn't make POF your primary means of meeting someone online if you're serious. Had many tell me that those who shell out money per month for a profile on another site are the more serious ones. That anyone can make a free profile, but serious ones will pay money. My suggestion is the same...join a pay site on top of this one, or if you're getting a lot of dates here then just hold off on the marriage/future plans talk until things are more comfortable/intimate. I also wonder if putting a statement in the profile would help some? Like you say you would love to find Mr Right, fall in love, get married, and have a family. Toss in that you're not expecting it quickly, but you would like to find that in life. I'm sure some of the non-commitment guys would steer clear.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

You know you're getting old when ... Posted: 6/24/2009 2:26:53 PM
You know you're getting old when you remember being the age of those kids and watching both the cartoon show and the animated movie back in the 1980s.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

What is in between marriage and being single? Posted: 6/24/2009 2:26:07 PM
I think if you're going to bring children into the fold, then you need to think more deeper than just cohabitation and such. You can't just be in deep RL, get a girl pregnant, have children, and then somehow break it up but keep things civil and you both raise the kids. If you want to be polygamous then do the world a favor and don't bring any children into the realm. Go join Big Brothers of America or something if you want to raise someone. That or get a dog.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

Are men on here really interested in marriage Posted: 6/24/2009 2:21:05 PM
So, could I get any ideas as to how to approach the subject without causing them to run? Simple. You don't bring it up in the initial dating. You should wait a while before even talking about things like "what do you want in the long term?" Too many marriage-minded women make the mistake of somehow thinking that finding a husband should be a short quick deal. They want to meet someone, date for 9-12 months, and then get engaged with a marriage to come 1-12 months later. Many more then want a short "married couple" period (a few months) and then get immediately into having kids. To some women, this sounds reasonable. To most guys, this is utterly scary. We don't operate like that, and with the current climate of marriage, divorce, and favoritism of women in divorce laws, you're not going to see a lot of men who will quickly get on the subject. Does that mean we don't want to marry? No. Does that mean we want to talk about the possibility of marriage down the road on the second or third date? No. I have a few female friends who think I should marry my GF of 10 months. She's about to go to SF for dental school and we'll be doing a LDR for four years. They feel if I don't do it now, she might lose interest and break up with me over the years. I feel that I'm not going to rush down the aisle and then be away from my spouse for four years. If she does lose interest and leaves...then so be it. My female friends can't believe my attitude, even though my GF is nowhere near ready to get married. I'm sorry to tell the women out there, but there isn't a quick thing that will make you see if he wants marriage down the road or not. You have to take chances and maybe a month or two into the RL you talk to him about what he wants in his life. Make sure he knows you're not putting pressure, but you want to know if he wants to marry at some point of his life or remain single. I will remain single for life before I rush into a marriage. That says how seriously I take the sacrament. If I end up alone, then so be it. Otherwise the women who get involved with me have to deal with my way of doing things since it is my life. If a woman is on a time constraint to marry and have kids before a certain age, then that's her problem.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

How do men REALLY feel about independent women? Posted: 6/21/2009 8:30:20 PM
Men like a woman who has independence to a degree. They want the woman who has a job and a life and isn't all needy and wanting a guy to just marry her and take care of her in life. What men don't want are the "I don't need a man"/"I am woman, hear me roar" females. When women take the independence thing too far and push men away or even play the irony of wanting equality everywhere except dating, where they believe they should be spoiled and worshiped. The thing I tell any woman who is in the situation of being called "too independent" is to look at themselves and make sure in their quest to be a self-made person that they're not pushing away those who want to get close to them. Most of my experiences have been women who want a man, love, etc...but see "relationship" and even "marriage" as some cage. Some entrapment where they must give up their career and become Ma Cleaver.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Bad boys and drama queens Posted: 6/17/2009 2:31:28 PM
I think the biggest problem with the "nice guys" and "nice girls" is that they forget that ATTRACTION has to play a role in all this. 9 out of 10 times when I see a "nice guy" complain how all the girls want bad boys, they are either physically ugly, terrible dresser, no personality, socially inept, and/or clueless. 9 out of 10 times when I see a "nice girl" complain how all the guys want drama queens, they are either fat, ugly, have baggage, do things fashionably that makes them look like men, have no personality, or are just plain clueless as well. Why do guys chase the drama queens? Most of the time those drama queens are physically beautiful and have an air of excitement around them. Same deal as to why girls are chasing the bad boys. If you're bland and boring, then don't complain when someone isn't into you. I'm not saying as a guy you should suddenly dress like a "rockstar" and treat women badly. I'm not saying as a woman you should dress like a hooker and become a total slt or btch. What I am saying though is LOOK AT YOURSELF both PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY. If you're home all the time, dress very relaxed, are overweight, and have no real interests that you can share with someone, then you're in need of some self-improvement. Don't ever sit there and think the would should just accept you as you are. Be yourself, but be your BEST SELF. Also look at who you're pursuing. If you're a nice guy and the only girls who catch your eyes are the drama queens who are banging the bad boys, then ask yourself if this woman would really make you happy in life if you had her. Would she really be a good woman to you? Or a pain in the arse? Same deal for the women. If guys you like only have eyes for the slts or btches, then it should send the message to you that these guys are not the ones who will make you happy in life. NEVER BELIEVE SOMEONE WILL CHANGE FOR YOU!!!!!! Learn to love yourself, make yourself happy in life, and learn to improve who you are to be a better person. Way better plan than sitting and complaining how you're always passed up. Believe me...I speak from experience. I was the nice guy who was always FZed, now I am a good man who found Ms Right, and even have a few other females who wished they got to be before her. Not bragging, but trying to inspire.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 64 (view)

Nothing excites me over 30 Posted: 6/17/2009 2:19:19 PM
veggie_lover, it sounds more like you're one of those people who are seeking out excitement in a person, when that's not how it works. I have a feeling you're seeking someone who just doesn't exist. That and I also think you're depressed. I don't know if you need to get help, but you should do some self-exploration and ask yourself what you want out of life and what do you want for yourself.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

No one is responding whats up ? Posted: 6/17/2009 2:14:04 PM
I think your photos make you look like a thug. I'd especially not have a pic of you and a friend as your primary. Your profile is ok...but I'd more try to sound sincere and not so much like every other profile out there. Turn on some Barry White...learn from him...sound like him in your profile. I imagine you'll get a lot of results.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

Misconceptions on the Alha Male Posted: 6/17/2009 2:10:07 PM
I think in the sense of dating the "alpha male" is more seen as a few possibilities: 1) Guys who are as the definition says. They are naturally dominant and confident, very masculine, and yet also adhere to family values and moral codes. They are men's men, women love them, and they are good to their women, regardless if they want to commit or not. Occupation/income has little to do with this. 2) The "alpha male syndrome" types. They appear dominant and confident on the outside, but often times on the inside they harbor many fears and insecurities. They work out like crazy and are hardcore about their work not because they want to be their best in life, but because they measure their masculinity on how toned they are and how much money they have. They will act like modern day schoolyard bullies and pick on those not as "alpha" as them, and often times fear commitment/relationships...so they are the men women drool for, but are later complaining about because he won't be tied down. I think in the span of these debates, most guys speak of the #2 types when they talk of alpha males. There is a jealousy because they seemingly get women easily, but yet time and time again these same women end up in more drama when the actual nature of these #2's comes out. Thus you have the betas, gammas, and omegas frustrated that they can't get anywhere near what these guys attain. I've learned in life as a man that all women are not the same, and while one or a group of women might not be into you, that doesn't mean others will be the same. Here are a few pieces of knowledge I'd pass on: 1) Stop measuring your self-value on the idea that you're nothing if you don't have a girl. 2) Learn to love yourself truly...not narcissistically. 3) Look in the mirror and examine yourself physically and mentally. Always look to where you can improve yourself in life. Never play the "they have to take me 'as is'" song and dance when you know you're not much they would want. 4) Make your life about you. Do things you want that make you happy. Don't think in terms of "we" unless you find the right girl. 5) Never settle for someone terrible because it means you have a GF then. Better to be alone than miserable. 6) Be tolerant, but don't be too forgiving. She's showing you red flags, leave, don't try to "make it work". 7) Never feel "left out" when you're single, but more look at your peers who are deep in drama and realize you might be better off. 8) BE A GENTLEMAN. I don't care who says "treat em like crap and they come running back". These are the women who will just bring you drama. Don't become part of the problem that churns out more emotionally damaged women. "Alpha" to me is simply when you can live your life on your terms and your rules. When women see you are stone and they can't break you. When you will choose to be alone before you allow someone to put a leash on you.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

Does clean cut equate to being boring? Posted: 6/17/2009 1:56:34 PM
At my age, my peers are out living life and trying new things. However, one thing kind of surprised me. One girl I was talking to was actually quite shocked that I'm choosing to wait until marriage and seemed kind of turned off by it. The fact that I'm usually the dd by choice also shocked her, which together, kinda put me in the friend zone. With that said, what do you think? Does being clean cut equate to being boring? I think you're looking in the wrong places to meet women. In the bar scene it's generally seen as "strange" when you decided to be celibate til marriage and a non-drinker. Women in that scene will think you're some boring nice guy when they're out seeking someone more wild and exciting. Bear in mind also though for as much as you think your "good guy" nature is a turnoff, it's funny how many of the same women will be wishing for someone like you when they get near 30. It's not a pot shot at women, but more that things change. Suddenly the guy who rides a motorcycle, can down a bottle of Jack in a few gulps, f*cks like a pornstar, and can get hot younger women easily doesn't look so attractive to those same females. Suddenly they're wondering if he'll want to be a father or even tied down, and thus the more "good guys" (I'm not saying sappy nice guys, but good men) will be ideal in their eyes. My suggestion to you is to get away from the bars unless you're just out to have fun. Try social groups in your church and even charity work. You'll meet more moralistic like-minded women who might just want celibacy til marriage and a more low-key kind of guy she can get to know, rather than wonder if he'll get bored quick and look for an easier lay. Millions of women out there. Don't judge them all by a few experiences in one scene. Seek other arenas.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 70 (view)

Men's Participation in Decision to Have Children Posted: 6/16/2009 3:31:42 PM
I think times have changed. Many men now wonder "what's in it for me?" when it comes to children. That or they see just how much time and finances have to go into parenthood that it scares them. I can imagine when you see things like traveling and career growth as priorities, kids look more or less like a big obstacle to that. HOWEVER, I would not sit there and let women think it's hopeless. There are a lot of men out there who do want families and to be fathers.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 88 (view)

why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids Posted: 6/16/2009 3:28:41 PM
But you understand my point though. Regardless if you want children or not, if you don't want someone else's kids, then don't even bother with single moms. Again...astounds me when I see guys who don't want to deal with another man's kids, but yet they hook up with single moms, then later have issues.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 67 (view)

Men's Participation in Decision to Have Children Posted: 6/16/2009 3:08:55 PM
If a man doesn't want children in his life, then here's a few easy tips: 1) Get a vasectomy. If you can't use protection or do this, then it's your fault if she gets preggers. 2) When you're dating a woman and it's getting serious, make sure she clearly knows and she knows there is no changing your mind. If she leaves, then that's the price you pay. 3) Don't marry or get involved with a woman who wants kids or is on the fence about them. As for women, if you meet a guy who tells you shortly into things that he never wants kids (and you do) then you have it right there. Don't sit there thinking you'll change his mind or even some carry the "I don't care what he thinks" attitude. If you want kids, then this is a sign to end things and look for a guy who wants them. If it seems all your options are the "eh" guys who don't excite you, but they want marriage/family, or alpha males who are anti-marriage/anti-family, then the cards have been dealt and you can either go childless, alone for life, or take a chance on the "eh" guy. This point has been argued to death and I always find it funny out there in the real world how many men and women think they can change someone's mind.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 86 (view)

why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids Posted: 6/16/2009 2:57:17 PM
im a single mum of 4 twins and two older girls, i luv socailising and have no problem meeting men and am totally honest from min one .its 3 or 4 months in they get cold feet and run why is this? we all want the fairy tale but it just dosnt seem to happen for us ,beautiful strong independant woman You might want to try writing a better profile. You say practically nothing about yourself, so I imagine the guys who are approaching you are only going by your photos. As for single moms, I think it's silly for guys who don't like or want kids to get involved with these women, as if the kids will become some side thing they'll never have to face or deal with. If you want to be childless, then seek out childless women. If all the women are either too ugly and all the pretty ones have kids...then that's life....deal with it. As for you cdenn, I think if you work in sales and marketing, you need to apply some of that to your profile. Say more, speak out. I think that's probably why you're not meeting the right guys. I'd also perhaps look to single dads as well. Find someone who understands your situation. It's hard for instance to make the single childless outgoing yuppie type see attraction in a single mom because he might be used to being around younger and childless women who can do anything on a whim. You need to find the guy who is different and would more understand and embrace your lifestyle.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

The One? Posted: 6/16/2009 2:49:37 PM
The only "one" that anyone should find is the person they see in the mirror. We're not two halves to a whole, and no one in life will truly fulfill you and make you truly happy inside. Only you can do those things for yourself. A SO/spouse is only an added bonus. Icing on the cake. If you can't truly love and be happy and comfortable with yourself, to be your own soulmate, then no one in this world will ever really fulfill you or make you happy in life.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

What am I doing wrong? Posted: 6/16/2009 2:38:07 PM
Well, in many ways I will say a lot of guys will be turned off a large-set woman who has two kids. I hate to sound harsh, but that's life. PLUS the fact you got out of a 12 year marriage also might make some think you are carrying baggage, even if you don't say it. I agree with a lot of the opinions here. I don't think it's impossible for you to meet guys, date, and find love, but you need to market yourself better. Don't mention the kids except in that area that asks if you have kids. I know when I used this site to meet women, I honestly could care less about her kids, family, and pets when I read a profile. I wanted to know about her in general. Don't mention the marriage either. As I said, many guys will see someone who just got out of a 12 year marriage either as a woman looking for a fling or a woman who might end up crying her eyes out one night because she's still hurting from the divorce. I am NOT saying this is you, but with the plethora of women I've met who are carrying a lot of damage/emotional issues from past RLs only would make me standoffish when I meet women who were recently single/divorced. Better to just say your status is divorced and leave it at that. Your profile is mostly the usual garble everyone says. You can't just say you like walks in the beaches and romantic dinners and are seeking a decent guy. Everyone says that. You need to let someone really get to know you personally to a degree on that profile.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

why do guys do this Posted: 6/16/2009 2:29:10 PM
Easiest thing...don't put out until 6-7 dates. If he's only looking for sex then he'll take off quickly.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

Would You Date Your Friends EX? Posted: 4/29/2009 11:06:43 AM
I'd only date a friend's ex... 1) If she did not royally screw over or hurt my friend. Like if she cheated on him and/or flaked out on him and dumped him, then I would never even fathom it. 2) If my friend was ok with it. So let's say it's been years, he's over her, in love with someone else, and isn't carrying a grudge or torch...then I'd go with it. You never know, many times now I see the friends introducing exes to their friends, mostly because while they saw they were not a good match, they see possibilities for others. Even I inadvertently introduced my ex to the man she is now married to. She was worried I was carrying a torch or something, but I came clean and was more happy she picked a decent guy...and any "bothered" looks I had was more just disdain for how much bad luck I was having in my own love life. It had nothing to do with her. 3) If the RL my friend had with her has been over for a long time. I won't get with someone's ex if they just broke up weeks or months ago. 4) If my friend moved away to someplace far and thus isn't in the social scene of all of us anymore. So if he moved to New York and has been living there, then I'd consider it...especially if he's with someone new AND the ex never hurt him. Sometimes you also have to be careful to make sure your friend isn't just being childish and territorial. Seen instances where the Girl A and Guy A dated, but it didn't work out and they broke up with Girl A never hurting Guy A in any way...but Guy A is childish, jealous, and territorial, so he hates Girl A with a passion because she rejected him. Now Guy B comes along years later and Girl A really likes him, but he's friend with Guy A. Guy B likes Girl A a lot as well, but Guy A gets childish (even if he's got a new girlfriend) and forbids him from seeing her for no other reason other than "if I can't have her, no one will". In this case I wouldn't fault Guy B for defying his friend. This scenario more shows that Guy A is immature and not a real friend to Guy B. PLUS...one needs to be careful on what people define as "dating" or a RL. Two dates with a girl and she ends it because she's not into the guy does not give the guy the right to forbid his friends from trying. Same deal if the angry/childish ex was the one who hurt the other. So if Girl C cheated on Guy C and he ended it, Girl C cannot tell her friend Girl D that she cannot date Guy C. As far as I'm concerned she lost any rights like that when she cheated.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

He's still fishing after dating for 4 months... Posted: 4/29/2009 9:45:25 AM
I personally think the OP should just sit down and talk to her man about where he sees this going. Basically lay it out on the line. You can't just assume anymore. Seen people together for months with one side thinking it was a RL, while the other saw it as only "friends with benefits". Nowadays things have to be laid out on the table when it reaches that point. I can imagine there are scenarios where you know it's just a clicking where the two don't need to have any "talk", but too many other times I see both men and women complain how they wasted all this time with someone to find out that he/she didn't want a RL. A lot of this could be avoided if they laid things out when the time felt right...and then let the other person agree or walk. I knew one girl who spent over a year with a guy, only to find out he never saw her as nor would see her as a girlfriend and a relationship. He constantly saw and slept with other women (but kept it hidden) and then in the end simply told her she was just sex to him. We can lament on how much of a scumbag he is, but the fact remains my friend should have spoken up earlier when she could see this wasn't right, and then get the truth out. People can't just assume the other person shares their same value system or definitions of love and relationships. Communication and honesty...isn't that want a RL is all about?

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Lost with dating / constucting social life Posted: 4/28/2009 3:58:31 PM
well the thing about being alone on friday or saturday night is, what do you do when you don't have a car and can't just go anywhere? I live near a wal-mart and a supermarket, neither of which are that exciting. Even if I was to go out of my way a few miles to go somewhere, it is lonesome to be a guy who is just sitting by himself somewhere. I'm not going to leave my house on friday night and walk the streets aimlessly am I, or walk around wal-mart. I will tell you that not having a car might make it harder. It would come off as a sign to women that you're not financially secure. Only times I've seen women forgiving of a guy who doesn't have a car is when he lives in a big city where he wouldn't need one. If you live near Wal-mart, then you are living someplace more suburban or rural.\ I'm not saying to buy a car to get dates, but I am curious as to why you do not own a car. As for "what to do on weekends", if you want to hop a bus or train to some interesting area, check out a cafe, walk the streets, check out the shops, or go to an event, do it. If you don't want to leave your neighborhood, then you're limiting yourself. anyways, I read everyone's reply and will try to get involved in something, but I have no clue what it is. guess that is for me to figure out. Let's look at your listed interests: Traveling: Hopefully this isn't just some blanket thing to hopefully make yourself appear well-rounded. If you travel a lot, then think about places and cultures you've seen and liked. Go to events similar to that. Like if you loved New Orleans, take a class on Cajun cooking or something. ocean: Swimming class or group, beach volleyball social sports, boating group. star gazing: Astronomy club? amusement parks: You might meet women there. Go hang in the beer garden if the attendants are young and single. bowling: This one is easy. Join a league. dining out: Join a group that heads out to check out restaurants. movies: Join a group that does outings to movies and drinks afterwards. parks: Go hang in the park with a good book, or if you have a dog take him/her for a walk. You know women love those guys who love animals. coffee shop: Go there with a good book, sip coffee, and read. Keep aware of people who come in and out. Treat it like a bar in many ways. BE SURE to look nice to these things as well. Not talking to dress to the nines, but don't look like a slob. Check out www.meetup.com

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

He's still fishing after dating for 4 months... Posted: 4/28/2009 11:20:01 AM
Unless the guy agreed to exclusivity...meaning he calls you girlfriend and you call him boyfriend and such...then he has full right to keep fishing as much as you do. You want him to stop, sit down and ask him where he sees all of this going. If he wants a RL with you, then you go all the way and he then must close up or hide his POF account. In my book, the only way a person must give 100% loyalty is when exclusivity is reached.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Are you getting tired on Internet Dating too? Posted: 4/28/2009 10:16:51 AM
Well, I have to say that I have backed off dating for several weeks now, and mainly participate in the forums. And boy, I have to say that Internet Dating seems to have really hit the all time low for being shallow and negative. For those old enough to remember before the Internet, how did we get dates? Friends, family, co-workers. And for those computer savy and old enough, remember Prodigy and AOL? What did all these things hve in common? You were willing to put the time and effort into getting to know someone instead of brushing them aside. I will agree with you here. Too many out there want it all to be instant. They want to believe they can see chemistry based on a profile and a photo. Too many do not want to invest the time in getting to know someone. Everyone wants a RL "NOW NOW NOW" but fail to see why so many RLs and marriage fail. No one invests the time. It seems it is impossible to post the perfect profile or perfect pix. With todays USATODAY variety dating, it appears that folks are too willing to judge by the superficial, and rush to judgement. Yes, we all would like to meet our perfect match. But what is perfect? We know what we dont like, but are we sure of what we do want? This more or less then is a clear sign that online dating isn't for you, and maybe it's time you rethink yourself and find other methods to meet people and be sociable. Don't feel bad either...I felt the same about me. So many profiles read "If I am interested, I will respond". What ever happened to simple manners and send an email saying "Hi, thanks for the response, but we are not a match". Well...we have to blame a few bad apples on our end for that. While many of us males will simply back off, too many others will either reply with something rather harsh to the woman who was only being honest, or they will badger her with "why?" questions, hoping to change her mind. This is why I am all for a "reject" button that blocks that person. So people can honestly answer and then be done with that person for good. Does anyone else feel the same way? Has the internet diluted the dating pool and chances of meeting a good friend? And no, I am not talking about the profiles that are looking for friends with benefits, booty calls, or other unrealistic requirements. Friends? Who would join a dating site to make friends? I understand the idea of your lover being your best friend, but I get amused by the few who join a dating site thinking they'll make some friends, then complain later how everyone they meet really wants to be more than friends. If it were up to me, I would not even have it as a choice. If you want friends, then go join a social group or something. The internet just gave everyone more choices. In the past you were limited to your neighborhood and social circles. Now you can find thousands of people...so some will turn the standards meter up to an unrealistic level and hope to attain that. Just the ones where one honest person is lookingfor another honest person. That's the same line everyone says. I'm sure it's true, but your post tells me online dating isn't for you and thus you should try other avenues.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

how many MEN like goodie- goodie women-aka PRUDES Posted: 4/28/2009 10:06:27 AM
I don't think you are a prude by what you say. You seem to more come off as someone who won't be flighty and you like to take things slow and traditional. What men don't want is the woman who either chops her hair short and dresses like a guy, or the woman who is a veritable nun in many regards. Like if I met a woman who kept herself "covered" all the time, never let her hair down, and would not have sex until marriage...then I wouldn't bother. She's not a terrible person, but she's not for me. It's ok to not want to have sex too soon, and it's ok to not really want to drink alcohol. However, like you women tell us men, you do need to still be interesting. So if your life is staying home all the time and barely doing anything...then you're not a prude, you're boring. My GF isn't a drinker, nor is she into the bars or clubs. She's a very "good girl"...BUT...she's interesting. She travels, likes to see new things, is open minded, and has a brain (so she can hold a conversation). She's sweet and respectful, but not a total nun about thing. She knows how to be a lady, but will not be a tramp.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

The Emotional Toll of Dating. Posted: 4/28/2009 10:01:07 AM
A lot of this is why I never took dating seriously anymore when I hit my 30s. Why I learned to be content with myself and didn't make "finding someone" a priority. I've had heartaches and heartbreaks and frustrations like everyone has. I would let it bother me and depress me, but then I realized I'm wasting my life not by being single, but by making myself down on my singledom. So I stepped back from it all. Enjoyed my life, did what pleased me, had interests, hobbies, goals, etc. I figured if the women around me can't see I'm a catch then I won't waste my time trying to convince them. Many of them are still single and complaining there's no decent men out there. I met my GF when I wasn't looking and didn't care. It even helped that I wasn't actively trying to push things into a RL. Things happened naturally, and they just go that route for most people. When you get frustrated, get away from it. Enjoy life. Why be depressed because some outdated social standard tells us all to find someone?

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

seems frustrating... Posted: 4/28/2009 9:53:34 AM
I would agree to put your profile up for review. I also suggest that you rebuild your social life. You made the mistake of not having balance in your life when you got into a RL. I'm sure your friends will forgive that, so give them a call. On top of that, you need to do things that will bring new faces into your life. Think of your interests, then take chances by joining social groups and organizations where you can do those interests with new faces. Build social capital.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 89 (view)

what happens when we are 40 and single, who is available to date? Posted: 4/24/2009 12:49:53 PM
I think a lot of the people in this topic are slowly carrying this to the usual complaints: "Women just want hot guys who mistreat them. They never give a nice guy a chance despite how much they claim they want one." "Men here just want some skinny young sex toy/eye candy on their arm. They wouldn't even fathom looking at someone with an "average" body type or bigger. They can't fathom when the girl has a brain and more to offer than some skinny little whore." We can go on and on and on with this, but the problem is again the complainers are the ones who treat all of this like it's some exclusive nightclub and the bouncer at the door isn't letting you go inside. It's not like that at all. One can look amazing on paper, but it doesn't mean he/she is guaranteed a mate. This is again when I tell people they need to make love less of a priority and make themselves the bigger priority. Some here get it, but others don't. When you're in your 30s like me, or even older, you need to decide how you want your life to go. If being with someone and maybe a family is a big priority, then you should give up on some of the standards. Get with someone who isn't athletically trim, or a single parent, or a bald person, or someone who looks great, but not young. This goes for both genders. However, if you're like me and prefer it that you'll gladly be alone til you die UNLESS the right person comes along, then make sure you're living that life. Make yourself happy by doing whatever pleases you. Lamenting on whoever passes you up or keeps passing you up is pointless. Take solace you're not with someone shallow who would probably hurt you down the road.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 40 (view)

Confused of how I JUST got dumped... Posted: 4/24/2009 9:28:29 AM
Mikey, my original answer is simply that you did nothing wrong. You were yourself, but she like many out there go out thinking some magical spark has to happen to set their hearts on fire in order for it to be potential. It is true you need something like this, but from what you're telling me it sounds more like she isn't ready to give that spark to anyone. She thought you were cute, went out a few times, didn't feel anything, and thus changed her mind. I'm glad you two are talking again, because in my opinion spark just doesn't happen instantly. Many times you have to talk, get to know the person, etc...and thus it develops. Too many out there think it's supposed to happen immediately, and thus many times they reject possible good men and women due to these fairytale desires. I've seen plenty of people who talk of how they can tell instantly if this is someone they would want to date and get involved with, but I always notice how these same people are chronically single, and when they do meet someone they like...it ends up being a mess and thus they get hurt. You have to be careful with this girl...because in my book she first was fearful to "let you in", and then isn't mature enough to make up her own mind, so she runs to her friends and plays the Sex and the City game to get them to tell her to stay single and look for a "bigger better deal". Believe me, I've been through that enough...and it's why I don't take dating very seriously. Not unless the woman is going to show me a real sign of serious. Don't get your heart running ahead of things. You could have five great dates that go off magically, making out since date 2, and amazing sex on dates 3, 4, and 5...but she can still flip on you and suddenly just want to be friends or not see you again. It's why you have to unfortunately hold back and be relaxed about things. It's why I won't bring flowers to a girl on the first few dates, and I won't get all romantic quickly. Most of the time I'm following her lead on where things go. Some women might claim that's the wrong thing to do, but I see modern dating now as women are just plain scared and thus you have to gauge them to see how far they want to go on each date. Don't put any pressure and let her become comfortable with you. Most of the time that's when sparks happen. If she's going to reject you because you're not putting pressure on her initially, then let her go. If you're showing her interest, but not pushing to get to intimacy and she's going to drop you for that, then let her be. She sees things differently, and I bet she doesn't have a lot of luck in dating either. Again, too many times the girl wants the guy to push more she ends up being a "pumped and dumped" female. Relax...be you...and only blame yourself if you do something bad to the girl. Don't blame yourself for being respectful and showing interest.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Why friends? Posted: 4/24/2009 9:10:27 AM
My feeling is that you come off to them as a wonderful person, but you dry up their panties...so they aren't interested in you anymore in a dating/RL/sexual tone. My advice...kick them to the curb, or be friends with heavy limits. Seen too many times where a woman FZ's myself or other guys, but literally will try to get every possible "RL Benefit" out of him without giving anything to it. So suddenly this poor sap is taking her out on dates, escorting her to her friends' weddings, office parties, etc...but she claims to death how he's "just a friend", flirts with other guys in front of him, talks to the sap about guys she's into...or worse has him drop her off at his place when their night is over so she can have sex with him. That to me is not setting limits. Don't be their pseudo-boyfriend. Don't be their crying blanket. Cut them off when you see this is becoming you giving and her only taking. I would not buy a house with someone like that either. As for what you can do to change this...don't. As long as you're not becoming some sappy doormat to these women, don't lower your dignity or toss your integrity out the window to keep one. Be the good man you believe you are, respect them, and if they can't see you as an ideal man...then let them be single and try to find their own dreams. If they come back complaining there are no decent single men out there, then you know this one isn't living in reality.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 64 (view)

Everyone Wants a Cougar - Everyone deserves one too. Posted: 4/24/2009 8:58:31 AM
I think the factor that more older women aren't looking so "old" anymore is attractive. Add to that the amount of media that glorifies it. Be it Stifler's Mom to all the porn out there utilizing older stars as "cougars" and "MILFs". I also think that for some, it's just a desire for a level-headed drama-free woman. Face it, if you're in your 20s or early 30s, and it seems every woman you meet is a psychological mess and/or immature, you start upping the age auntie because you don't want things to be some complex.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

At this stage in the game is long term relationship necessary before marriage Posted: 4/20/2009 9:24:31 AM
Marriage is something I take very seriously. 20, 30, 40, 50, or even 60....I would not walk the aisle unless I truly knew this person well and felt it was right. I don't care what time frames people put on their youth or even child-bearing years. I will not marry someone quickly, nor will I have children with someone quickly.

grkboy

Joined: 3/20/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Is it Bad Posted: 4/20/2009 9:07:00 AM
I don't see anything wrong with a man or woman wanting someone older or younger. I agree it's ok to have preferences, but I say again that if your preferences aren't bringing you results, then they're most likely unrealistic. So you're 35 and you want someone 24-27. Some women will see you as too old and others won't. If you seem to be only meeting women who think you're too old, then you'll have to rethink your preferences. Personally, my GF is only 2 years younger than me, and I like it. She's at my maturity level. My experiences with 20something girls has been they are more thinking short term, figuring they have plenty of time in life to find the man they will marry, or they're jaded because they're ready to marry but the males in their age group aren't. Don't give up hope though...seen also a numerous amount of 20something girls who prefer 30something males because they're more mature, ready for commitment, and have established lives.

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