He's banged his open-relationship roomie.... chat & forums.

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Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 98 (view)

He's banged his open-relationship roomie.... Posted: 11/20/2009 6:42:31 PM
Okay, I've been thinking a lot about my situation and this thread has really helped me with that. It's all up to how the guy handles it. In my situation, my boyfriend has explicitly cut his roommate out of his life for a while because he was mad at her for interfering. In other words, she is threatened because I actually do have the power to hurt their friendship because he loves me and would ultimately choose me if he needed to make a choice. However, it's not that black and white. Part of him being scared of marriage and getting more serious is the idea that some men wind up (in his eyes) getting sucked up by marriage to the point of isolating themselves from their friends. I know that this is a fear of his. I agree that it's important to maintain friendships outside of your romantic life. But for me, I never picture losing any of my friends just because I get more serious with a partner (women, I think, are better at this naturally). By having you all go to dinner, the idea is that everyone will get along with everyone, and no one loses anybody (which is really what being poly is being about - that belief that you can have it all. There's enough love to go around for everyone! Koombaiya). It's not really about looking at what is realistically the best way to go about relationships to have success. It's about chasing after the ideal. For some people, it works. He thinks it's nothing to do with being poly, but I disagree. I feel like his roommate is his fall-back easy, no risk "emotional girlfriend." She'll always be there for him if it doesn't work out with his real romantic relationships. To risk that is like just diving into the pool headfirst or jumping off a cliff. He cares about her too, and doesn't want to see her hurt either. But she'll be fine. She's engaged to the other roommate, and should be happy with that. Will I make an effort to mend the rift with her? Probably. But will I put up with him choosing her over me in any way again? Probably not. It comes down to our values and how we view romantic partnerships. If he doesn't understand that his girlfriend/partner/wife comes first, (when I make my boyfriend/partner/husband come first), then it will never work out. Is this really about me and her getting along? Nope, not really. It's about how he handles this and what that means for how he handles things in the future. He has yet to earn my trust. To me, it's really irrelevant how well she and I get along. Btw,I'm totally not trying to hijack the thread. Our situations sound so parallel that I thought it would be helpful. I am a year and two months into this relationship, and we broke up for about four days at the three month mark, and for about two months at the 10 month mark. It's all very precarious at this point, but we get along so well, and he's trying so hard these days, that it's definitely worthwhile for me to see where this goes. I'm definitely not bailing yet. But hopefully I'm diving in with eyes open. Happy swimming.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

Current girlfriend keep insisting on meeting my ex...Drama Drama Drama!!! Posted: 11/19/2009 2:24:36 AM
While I don't necessarily think that them meeting is the best idea, I can see your girlfriend's point of view. If you two are a serious couple (and after all, you two live together), then it makes sense for her to meet anyone who plays a significant part in your life because you two are sharing your lives together. If you want to continue any kind of relationship with your ex beyond picking up the kids and talking about parenting issues, then you should be trying to see your girlfriend's point of view, and support her feelings in this. Your loyalty is with her now. Be clear on that. Express that to her and reassure her that this is the case. And if you have a part in making this happen, do it sincerely. Now, just because you and your girlfriend would want this meeting to go ahead, that does NOT mean that your ex has any obligation to meet her. If she chooses not to, then it is reasonable that you will become less close to her as friends(eg. texting you about your girlfriend, etc . has nothing to do with your shared parenting responsibilities. You cannot continue a friendship with someone who refuses to accept your girlfriend. Plain and simple. So let the ex go. Anyone who is incapable of acting civil to the person you choose to be your partner in life is not a true friend, as a real friend is looking out for your best interests because they care about you. Your girlfriend should not be expected to be very open to the ex, given the insults and bad mouthing (abuse) she's already taken unless your ex makes a concerted effort to apologize to her. If your ex does want to continue to be in your life (aside from parenting), then she should agree to meet, and you can facilitate the whole thing. Try a double date where the ex brings someone too, for something quick and casual. Lunch in a public place should be fine.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Should I hang in there Posted: 11/19/2009 1:51:17 AM
You have no choice but to let him go. He's already let go of you. It likely has nothing to do with his health. He may have never really felt you and he had any happily ever after potential, and probably was never really seeking that after his split from his wife (I didn't say divorce because who knows, maybe they aren't, maybe they are).

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

on-again, off-again Posted: 11/17/2009 12:20:13 AM
thanks, interested_cz. Update: we're still doing well. :)

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 75 (view)

He's banged his open-relationship roomie.... Posted: 11/17/2009 12:11:40 AM
I'm still struggling with my own situation. But it's just like having to deal with uncooperative "in-laws." If your partner is worth it, it just comes along with the territory. Getting along with a boyfriend's parents though is usually a lot easier though for me, lol. Things may take a turn with me though. He talked with her. She's reaching out, and I've been asked to have coffee with her one on one. I personally don't think the timing is right for that, but I'm willing to do it for my guy. It seems rather unfair to me, in my opinion, but it's for him. It's a gift for him. He's been great with my family, and he doesn't have his biological family in his life as much as I do, so his roomies are his family. I love him, and that means I need to make the effort. I am not confident or secure. It's been hard.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

on-again, off-again Posted: 11/12/2009 11:56:24 PM
Well, I appreciate the responses that intended to be helpful (there are always a few that seem to be motivated by bitterness, anger and hurt...but I see that most people intend to help). I talked with him more about it, and it was exactly the right thing for us to do. We are fine. I could have let it swell up into a bigger problem (as many of the "dump him" votes suggested) and I could have tried to bury it down and have it swell up inside me and explode sometime later, or the final route was to speak calmly and lovingly with him to find out more information, and make a decision after that. I spoke to him, my "ickiness" which was largely based on the idea that using the young girl who had a crush on him as an ego boost and rebounder was not a nice thing to do (and not something I expected from him at all), has gone away, and I continue to be attracted to him. Love makes accepting flaws and mistakes much easier. For those that wondered why he told me about it in the first place, we were on our way to an event (as a couple) where we were likely to bump into her, and I would rather have him volunteer the info (which he did) than for me to drag it out of him when I noticed them being awkward. Also, he just felt like I should know, and didn't want me to hear about it second hand. This is actually a very good sign to me, as I have been worried about him being more private and secretive than I am. Some of you may want to look at the assumptions that you jumped to and think about how that affects the way you see the opposite sex when you are trying to date someone new. Anyway, best wishes. For those of you who don't understand how I can be happy to continue this relationship, bear in mind that there is, of course, much more to our relationship that can be expressed in a few sentences about us breaking up. You'll just have to take my word for it that it's worthwhile for us to pursue this. And ohdriver, thanks in particular for your kind post. Thanks everyone for your posts.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

He's banged his open-relationship roomie.... Posted: 11/12/2009 11:29:45 PM
I've been in a very similar situation (still in it, really). I tended to see her more like the little insecure sister that was jealous that she was losing her big brother's attention. When you think about how childish it is, and that it's all about her own ego (and not any actual threat to your relationship with the guy), then it is easier to deal with. It's still annoying as hell, but really I wouldn't let just her brattiness get in the way. Sounds like you two broke up for other reasons anyway. My little brat is just sulking so much now, she doesn't talk to me anymore. This actually makes things easier. Your description of yours sounded exactly like mine. Needs to be center of attention. Overly flirty with him when I first met him, saying things that emphasized that they had been together in the past. Slapping him on the butt because that was the only physical contact she was going to get from him. If she was an actual little kid, it'd be cute. Since she's a grown woman, it's not so cute. I think the competitiveness is just an expression of deep-seeded insecurity and the fact that she can see that my boyfriend loves me more and pays me more attention than she ever got at any stage is a blow to her ego, and that makes her act out. I suspect that over time, this will all mellow down completely. It was crazy in the beginning (and yes, she is poly, he was involved in poly relationships before me, but now he is just monogamous with me, and I would only enter into a monogamous relationship - I am definitely not wired for being poly). At first, I thought that it was pretty much a given that we would have to become friends since he and her were so close, and she's always around, but we're actually doing pretty well without that, and my guy is not trying to push us into it, and also recognizes that the problems stem from her. He says that it's happened before with other girlfriends, and he had specifically asked her not to interfere when he started dating me. Anyway, I guess it's over, but if it's not, I say hang in there, and just keep a safe distance from her until she learns to deal with her own issues.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

on-again, off-again Posted: 11/11/2009 7:30:42 PM
It wasn't my idea to get together again either. I never wanted to be broken up in the first place, so I took him back to try again.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

on-again, off-again Posted: 11/11/2009 7:29:23 PM
you're all assuming I dumped him. Not the case.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

on-again, off-again Posted: 11/11/2009 6:50:24 PM
I just found out that my 34 year old boyfriend made a pass on a 21 year old girl right before getting back together with me (they were drinking together alone after an event and kissing, but she decided to go home). I realize that he didn't cheat because we were definitely broken up at the time, but the whole thing still makes me feel icky. It makes me less attracted to him, and makes it difficult for me to open my heart up to him again. Should I just try to get over it? Should I be worried about what this says about our relationship? Should I talk to him more about it?

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 84 (view)

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop Posted: 11/8/2009 7:56:34 PM
Have you left him yet? Get on it, girl!

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

how soon to meet his friends? Posted: 11/8/2009 5:22:03 PM
Not counting bumping into friends (which neither of you have control over), typical time for me would be about a month (and typically bumping into each other's friends and being forced to introduce, happens before then anyway). I think women tend to want to make it happen before a man, because we seem to naturally want to show our friends our new guy, because we'll have been talking about him in detail from the start anyway with our female friends. Men don't seem to need to bother until they know they want to keep a girl around for a while. It's almost like they don't want their guy friends to be hitting on and drooling on their new girl or embarassing him when it's too early on, while they are still trying to make a good impression with you and solidifying things. Some guys are also more private about these things. Some guys are totally cool with it and may make a point of it within a few dates. I think men in general don't "need" to discuss their new romantic interest right away as much with others. Some guys never really discuss their girlfriend with other guys.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 88 (view)

A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go? Posted: 11/8/2009 5:10:45 PM
Somehow in all this, being old friends, you accepted her for what she was - not everyone could deal with an OCD girlfriend, but you did and she has clean bathroom issues, but is aware of her OCD. It doesn't make sense. That's part of it. Being ridiculously picky about certain things is part of it (eg. toilet paper texture, germ-phobic tendencies, whatever). You also know she just got out of a bad breakup, and still decided to get together with her even though it was really soon, which means that she is still recovering from that. I'm sure that she was grateful for that, but it's also a sensitive subject, probably. She's also in a bad financial position now because she was getting financial support from her ex, and hasn't worked in a while. It will be hard for her to get a job, even if she was trying hard to do so (which she probably isn't, but you didn't address that part, so I don't know). Her depending on you financially may have been in her mind just a temporary thing until she could get back onto her feet (it has only been a few months that she has been depending on you.. It may even be embarassing for her to have to depend on you for money or she might just see be so used to being spoiled by a man, that she figures it's normal. In some circles, it is (I guess not so much in the world of POF singles, but in some cultures, having a man treat a lot in the beginning of a relationship especially is not that unusual). If you two planned on being long term, that's nothing, and one day she could return the favour). You two should have discussed it if you were going to get touchy about it. I don't want to defend her too much, but she really doesn't sound all that bad (change the locks kind of bad). She obviously hopes you two will get back together if she wanted to keep the key. If you don't trust her with the key, then you shouldn't have trusted her with it in the first place. Just give it some time and think about whether you want to try again with her, or not. That decision means that you'd have to accept the quirks and weaknesses along with everything else. Only you can know if it's worth it to you or not. Do not expect her to become more generous in time though. This is her. Take it or leave it. If you won't have her back, demand the key back. If you might try again, let her keep it for a while, while you two think it through.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

How to prevent THIS type of hurt? Posted: 11/7/2009 1:13:32 AM
Hmm, it's never to early for a guy to tell me he's only interested in dating me now. I could hear that on a first date and not be freaked out because it's not like he's asking me to promise anything. He's just expressing how he feels. I wouldn't worry to much about freaking her out with "the talk." Just be clear in what you say - tell her that you don't want to put any pressure on her if she's not ready, but that you are ready to see her exclusively and not date anyone else. Then you may have to wait for her to return the sentiment, or you may discover she is ready to give it a go too. On the other hand, neither of you (even if you feel like this is serious), are really able to say how long this will last yet. You are still figuring that out with each other, and that just takes time. So you can be clear that you are not interested in continuing casual dating just for the sake of dating, but you can't really rush her into telling you how serious she is about you. You just have to make your intentions and desires clear, and trust that she wouldn't string you along knowing this. If it does end, it doesn't mean she was stringing you along. She may have just not had enough time to decide where it was going yet. Don't hold back on expressing your feelings, but make it clear that you are not pressuring her to return those expressions. You're the guy...you're supposed to be the one doing the chasing and wooing. That's the way it works (duck...oh, I know I'll get attacked for that one in this forum). Most women, if they are interested, are comfortable with the man showing more interest earlier. Just lay it out there, and then be patient.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

Need help caught gf Posted: 11/7/2009 12:52:28 AM
Just the fact that you had to ask her if she has been hanging out with any other guys makes you sound pretty controlling (and I get it that it's because you've been cheated on before)...I think you need to deal with that insecurity and jealous streak within yourself, regardless of what she is doing. It'll keep you from truly loving.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

When do you tell? Posted: 11/6/2009 10:30:36 PM
I believe the least problems will arise if you put it right in your profile. If anyone would have a problem with it, then you won't waste any time with them because it won't go past the stage of them reading your profile. That is the least deceitful. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it's part of life. Why "hide" it?

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Situation, a little strange I know Posted: 11/5/2009 2:15:41 PM
Inside I bet you're wanting your fwb (who, by the way, is probably not a "great friend"...once sex gets into the mix, things are twisted) to admit he has feelings for you and tell you that's why he is not okay with you and John. It's wishful thinking, because you have those feelings for him (demonstrated by being upset by the other girl) which develop naturally (more for women than men) when you have sex with someone. Bonding hormones. Anyhow, try to keep perspective - he may be jealous but it's not an indication that he cares about your feelings or wants to be with you in a more romantic way. He just didn't want to lose the sex with you. He's being posessive in a prideful way, not in a romantic feelings way. He isn't affectionate with you and you saw him be affectionate with some other girl. He is not going to suddenly profess feelings for you. It would be best if you forgot about him AND John and found someone else for a fwb. The situation is starting to get toxic for you. It can be so much better than this. And at 21, you can have an actual boyfriend who would be smart enough to not be flaunting another girl in front of you, and still not get that serious, because you are young. The fact that he would even "loan" you out to his cousin is a very bad sign. Get these people out of your life.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

My life has been turned upside down! Posted: 11/5/2009 9:33:16 AM
So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can imagine how scary it is. You'll love your child and you'll be able to do this, no matter what happens with the father. He can't just walk away entirely though...he will need to help to support the child. Maybe he needs to get some counselling too, so that he can see what he's doing (i.e. maybe someone else can knock some sense into him). Does he have family and friends? Do they know what's happening? You won't be entirely alone. You need to ask for help from family, friends, government agencies, non-profit organizations, etc. Find an expecting mothers group to join to get a sense of support (maybe through a community centre, or pre-delivery classes). Meet other new moms to share info with.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

In Love after two weeks? Posted: 11/4/2009 6:34:27 PM
Falling in love for me has happened really quickly, but that's not the part of the story that seems suspicious to me. It's more the idea that he's gone to a singles event out of town and is aggressively pursuing her. Is he really from out of town? Is he really single? Those would be my first two guesses.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

In Love after two weeks? Posted: 11/4/2009 6:31:32 PM
Falling in love for me has happened really quickly, but that's not the part of the story that seems suspicious to me. It's more the idea that he's gone to a singles event out of town and is aggressively pursuing her. Is he really from out of town? Is he really single? Those would be my first two guesses.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

Facebook Fights? Posted: 11/3/2009 7:34:42 PM
Maybe they felt like you were trying to make fun of them? You are still slim, carefree, and single, and maybe you look more similar to the old 10 year photos than they do now. In which case, I can see how it might be insensitive of you to post them on facebook for all of their contacts to see now. Maybe they are thinking you are trying to point out how old, fat, and/or stodgy they are now compared to the old days? People don't just care about how cute they look in the picture. It can also remind them of how uncute they are now...

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

omg!!!!!!!!!! I get in trouble for the littlest things!!! :( Posted: 10/13/2009 7:26:22 PM
Find someone else, and then don't text...it's just trouble waiting to happen. You should just call and talk so you can hear each other's voices. And try to talk about things calmly (literally take a moment to calm down, and then call to get an explanation). Texting is bad. Also, I don't get this "waiting for five hours" thing. If you knew she was shopping with her friend, you could have been doing something else too and not feel like you were "waiting" around for her. You should try and maintain your friendships with other people when you have the chance. If she was asking if it would be okay to meet up the next day, all you had to do was say that you were really looking forward to seeing her that night and the two of you could have discussed it further. She didn't say she wasn't going to meet you for sure yet. You got mad because she sounded like she wasn't as excited to see you and sounded like she would rather hang out with her friend. You jumped immediately to anger because that made you feel insecure. It feels dangerous to like someone more than they like you. But just because someone wants to spend time with other friends doesn't mean that they aren't into you. It just means that they have other stuff going on in their life besides you, and that's actually a very healthy thing. It is not healthy to be "waiting" for someone when you know that they have other plans. Insecurity and hostility is a turn-off. She didn't like you blowing up at her for just asking about changing plans. She may or may not have been wanting to break up with you. It is possible that she didn't have any thoughts of breaking up with you until she got the angry text from you. It's not a little thing. Insecurity is not fun to be around. However, if this stuff happens a lot, there is probably some reason for it, and maybe you two are not a good match anyway. If you find this stuff happening with EVERY girl you date (i.e. you acting clingy and feeling insecure, and the girl getting annoyed with it), then you should probably look at your own behaviour and attitude...or choose less independent girls?

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

She dumped me so why does she still want to see me? Posted: 10/13/2009 7:08:24 PM
I never said that the op has to be friends with her or that it wouldn't hurt. Of course it's a better idea to break off contact until he's ready, being the dumpee. What I was saying was that men seem to have difficulty with the concept of the girl just wanting a friendship without sex. Do NOT assume she wants to get back together. Do NOT assume she would want sex. And you do NOT have to assume that she has evil or ulterior motives. Someone can actually see a breakup as necessary, but still like and enjoy a person's company to wish that they could be good friends after. It's not an easy or realistic thing to do, but there is NO reason to assume her intentions are evil or that this should provide any hope for getting back together. THAT was my point (and of course I've had my heart broken, it's broken right now).

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

I'm an Idiot Posted: 10/12/2009 2:51:02 AM
Stop blaming yourself and feeling like you could have had something great. It doesn't sound like it was ever going to be great. It's good to do some self-reflection to improve your behaviour for next time, but honestly, when two people are looking for the same thing, things are much much easier, and it won't look like this relationship. It's okay to want something more or something different. My last boyfriend didn't call me every day (which I wondered whether it was a bad sign, to be honest), but he made an effort to see me and spend time with me about four times a week and I was very happy with that. You got daily calls but didn't get to see him much. I would have trouble with that too. Sure, it sounds like you have to work on more mature ways of resolving differences, but I don't think that it's necessarily to regret the way this one turned out - it wasn't going to work anyway. Go your separate ways and do your best to move on.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 45 (view)

I am not sexually attracted to my own ethnicity Posted: 10/9/2009 5:28:14 PM
I'm Chinese and I'm not attracted to men of my own ethnicity either (but then again, Chinese guys don't get sexually desired by too many girls of any race. Poor guys.)

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

She dumped me so why does she still want to see me? Posted: 10/9/2009 4:27:34 PM
Why do some guys have so much trouble with the concept of friendship? To me, if I liked a guy enough to have him be my boyfriend, he's certainly going to be good enough company to be my friend without the sex. I cherish my friendships and think they are worthwhile (ya, een if I'm not having sex with them!)

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

GAAHHH!! I think I blew it! :-( Posted: 10/8/2009 4:16:58 AM
That you can even imagine a circumstance where she doesn't return any of your messages for two weeks or more, and STILL be interested in you blows me away... Find someone else, and get a friend to slap you any time you feel the urge to contact someone before they have had a chance to reply to your last attempt. Imagine a game of tennis. If things go relatively well, you serve, she returns it, and the ball goes back and forth. What you're doing is serving a ball at someone who isn't interested in playing. Then when they don't return it, you start bombarding them with more balls over and over until they have to run off the court to get away from you. Bleah. If someone is really interested in you, you'll get a message or attempt returned or some positive signal. If you do not get one, DON'T try again. Simple.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Getting her to choose me Posted: 10/8/2009 4:07:00 AM
I don't think she's playing games at all. She's being completely honest AND not getting physical with anyone until she chooses. You're the one suggesting having an activity that requires physical interaction when she has clearly explained that she is not ready for that and why. Jerk.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 239 (view)

How many women fantasize watching their man with another man? Posted: 9/30/2009 5:37:05 PM
I am straight, but the idea appeals to me. To watch, and also as part of MFM. I'm not sure how much of a turn on it would be to see the two guys together, probably would require two really hot (to me) guys and a lot of caressing and softness. If it was too rough, it might just be like watching wrestling or something - not a turn on at all.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

Trying to work through my feelings on casual sex Posted: 9/30/2009 5:21:05 PM
No one has mentioned that having sex, even casual sex, can be a very altruistic act where you are working to get the other person off. Of course, it's best if both do, but there is nothing about casual sex that makes it inherently selfish or about "using" the other person while not considering them as a whole person. I accept that sexuality is a healthy part of people, and can respect someone as a person and engage in sexual activities like engaging in other shared non-sexual activities (like playing ping pong) whether I'm in a committed relationship with that person or not. I can treat someone with respect and appreciate them as a person in any interaction I have with someone, no matter how much time I wind up spending with them and getting to know them. It's in your attitude. You can do the same thing at a grocery store when you are paying for something - you can acknowledge the cashier as a person, or you can treat them only as a means of getting your goods paid for. Either treatment can be done in a split second, one time, never to see that person again. Of course there are plenty of people going around using others for sex, but I think it's definitely quite possible to have casual sex and not "use" someone.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 67 (view)

The ex still has a key and sits in the house Posted: 9/29/2009 9:18:50 PM
I wouldn't worry about it. He only needs to use the key if no one is at home to let him and the daughter in. I would be worried more if he didn't have a key and spent several hours with the mom every week, but it's just an empty house, and makes parenting switchovers easier. No biggie. Things would probably change if you moved in, but you're not there yet, so calm down. It's been 3.5 years. My ex had my key so that he could drop off our cat when we did a switchover (when either of us were out of town). This actually minimized the time that we had to spend with each other because that meant that I didn't have to arrange to be home to let him in. Don't worry about it.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 67 (view)

How do you stop missing your ex because it's so hard... Posted: 9/29/2009 5:59:57 PM
Today would have been our one year anniversary. Yes, it was short, but intense. We broke up two months ago, and I still find myself imagining him coming back to me. He won't even talk to me. I think it makes it harder to let go when I know that we were trying to end on good terms and be friends, but now he doesn't want to even be friends. The one person I would do anything for doesn't even want to be friends with me. I'll be leaving on a trip to go to a wedding that he and I were planning to go to together (in part, to celebrate our 1 year). I know it'll be good for me to still go and have a great time. But I can't help moping about how much better it would have been with him. I just miss being around him. How to move on? I guess what time passing does is that it just makes it harder to idealize what was. So if you can let go of the dream of it all working out and look it straight on and see what it really was, then it is easier to let go. Sometimes that's especially hard if it was working for you, and not for the other person, but he didn't really let you know so that you could fix it. Sometimes it just can't be fixed too...not everyone is going to be a good match. There's a difference between missing him (which is going to happen if you have a heart) and missing what "could have been" (in your imagination), which I think you have a bit of control over. Choose to not romanticize the past.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Do you ever just accept giving up? Posted: 9/29/2009 5:05:30 PM
I think about just accepting it and giving up. It's hard though, because I do enjoy being in a relationship so much, and I think love is a beautiful thing. Also, eventually I'll see someone attractive and want to give it another try. I think it's a bit of a waste too, as I know I can be such a good, caring girlfriend. But this is the most settled I've felt in not looking for a long time. I know I need some time alone now. But I still get lonely, and I'm still wishing for someone in particular, that I know that I have to let go of (the idea of him. he is already gone). I'm not sure how long I can go before not wanting to find someone again though. I like the idea of giving up, but actually doing it is like giving up a favourite food or something. Maybe I need a support group to quit men. LOL. Or a patch or something...

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

How do i get past my shy self? Posted: 9/28/2009 8:07:48 PM
Sounds like you aren't really that shy - you made a move on that girl at work, good for you! Don't worry about her. She is not a good one to go after if she is still sorting things out in a relationship. I don't think you have to worry about being shy or any other attribute of yours. Just look for people who enjoy the same activities as you, and you'll eventually find someone that you feel comfortable with, and then the conversation should flow naturally. Or not, and you both will be comfortable in your silences or she will do enough talking for both of you. Don't worry about what is wrong with you. Look for someone who likes you exactly the way you are (but feel free to try and work on yourself at the same time...self-improvement is fine, but feeling like you're not good enough for someone or some people is not). If you don't do any activities, then start doing some to see what you like to do...

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

When you get mixed signals, which do you believe? Posted: 9/27/2009 7:47:55 PM
I also think that he told you he didn't believe in marriage to let you down easy, but if the right woman came along, he could probably change is mind. I don't think he was hinting that he wanted to marry you one day. Guys don't really think like that after only two months. (I don't think he intended to send you mixed signals. I think he was honestly happy that you two could be friends, and was grateful for the support, and actually a kiss on the forehead is a pretty clear signal that he is keeping the relationship non-romantic...he may not even realize you liked him enough to even jump to the idea of him hinting marriage to you. I think it's something that a lot of guys say to make the girl they don't want to marry feel better).

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

How do you stop missing your ex because it's so hard... Posted: 9/27/2009 12:12:52 AM
I miss my ex too. The typical advice is to get out and keep yourself busy with new hobbies and whatnot, but I think I would still miss him no matter what I tried. I would actually be a bit confused if I didn't miss him at this point. I accept that it's supposed to feel like this, and I try to hang on to the faith that someday it will go away, and won't ache as much. Oh, and I journal too.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Sick of being the second rate guy.. Posted: 9/25/2009 10:28:20 AM
I think some of you are just being pessimistic. It's either there between people or not. You can't MAKE someone find you attractive in that way (though I agree that sometimes a makeover or different approach can open up someone's eyes where they may have not noticed you before...but if they don't notice you like that on their own, then it's probably not the right person anyway) and if you are actually spending a bit of time getting to know these women, and it's not there for them, you just have to accept it and move on, and NOT take it personally. It's very, very rare for me to meet someone that I find attractive in a romantic way. Don't expect every girl you are interested in to like you back. That's just life and biology. I know it feels terrible (I'm still moping about a guy who I would spend the rest of my life with, if asked, and he's not even talking to me anymore). But it just means you haven't found the right one(s) yet. The goal is to find someone who likes exactly who you are and accepts you for you.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

my first relationship....over after a week. what happened? Posted: 9/21/2009 12:08:15 AM
That's what dating is all about - spending time with each other to find out if you two are a match. She just figured out that the two of you weren't after only a week. Sometimes it takes months. And that's less pleasant, trust me. It's either there or it isn't. There's no point in trying to dissect it.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 48 (view)

Oh God what have I done? Posted: 9/20/2009 11:59:03 PM
This would all be less of an issue if you make a point of trying to meet in person as soon as possible, rather than dragging out the online communication stage. Then you don't feel like you've developed a relationship before you've even met. It's much more rare for me to actually have that "spark" with someone in real life, so might as well find out first.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

insecurity and jealousy.... Posted: 9/17/2009 9:35:47 PM
I've been on the jealous and insecure side, and I think my last relationship suffered, but you know what? I don't think it keeps going on and on. It's often very vulnerable feeling in the beginning of a relationship, and I think had he stuck in there with me, we would have stabilized and mellowed out. He needed to understand how to (ugh, pop psychology alert) speak my love language. I needed to see him be trustworthy and loyal for longer. What I feared did happen. He did abandon me and you might argue that the insecurity cuased it, but what if I just had really good instincts about what would happen? Different people do bring out insecurity in others more or less. Some people are reassuring and easy to trust. I think BOTH people should take some responsibiilty in what is happening. If you find that all of your SO's ALWAYS get insecure and jealous, maybe there is something that you could be doing or could stop doing that would help.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

What does it all mean? Was she just stringing me along? Posted: 9/16/2009 11:18:40 PM
There's emotions and then there's real life which involves a lot more factors to consider than just emotions when choosing a partner. She may have very well felt that way when she said it, and then changed her mind when she really thought about the two of you together. I don't know what your relationship is like, so don't think I'm suggesting that there's anything that you did wrong or that is wrong with you. She just didn't think you two were a good match. Remember that even women who are battered and beaten by their husbands still feel love for them and see themselves with them forever, and want to be with them, but that doesn't mean that they SHOULD be with them. For their own safety, they have to overcome those feelings of love and look at the situation objectively. (again, I'm not saying you battered her or anything like that. The example was just an illustration of how feelings and other practical considerations can collide in relationships).

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Are you happy?? Posted: 9/15/2009 10:43:09 AM
It's hard to imagine that someone else could make a past love as happy as you've made them, simply because that would be a sharp kick in our own self-esteem and ego. It's okay - protect yourself, it's your mind's self-preservation system kicking in, so go with it. Answer the question for yourself - the answer is no, she will never be made happy in exactly the same way that you did when you were together. The person she is with is a different person. What you two had was special, and remains that way in both of your memories. Just because it couldn't last does not mean it wasn't special. Own that. And then move on, so that you can experience something special again with someone else. Come to terms with it, and resolve the question so that you don't have to keep asking it. When you come to terms with it, and if you truly loved her, then in your heart, you will want her to be happy (and it's not going to be the same as it was for you two, and it doesn't matter if it's "better" or "worse." It's just different. And everything we do in life adds to who we are as people). I want my ex to be happy, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't sting if I knew he was happy with another woman. So I don't have enough contact with him to know about his romantic life. I will one day get to a point where that won't sting. But that's not right now and that's okay. I accept that what we had WAS special. It was NOT a lie. But it was also not forever. And that's okay. I hope to still find someone that I can get that excited about again, and it will be special in a different way too.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

I am driving myself to madness over one woman... Posted: 9/15/2009 10:16:51 AM
Hmm...I'm going through a breakup (well, went through a breakup, I'm trying to get over him, is more accurate), and one of the things that has been bothering me is this feeling I've had since meeting him that "god or fate" or some force was trying to put us together. And believe me, I am NOT the mystical "everything happens for a reason" type person, so this instinct or intuitive feeling has been troubling me. I've fallen in love before, but not had THAT feeling/urge to believe that concept before. Your posting has actually helped me to see that we manufacture that feeling inside our own head. In my case, I projected the ideal onto this person and it was easy because he is an extremely private, quiet person who doesn't express his feelings well (the nature of his personalilty), and is extremely adaptable to other people. You have projected this ideal, and it was easy for you because you couldn't understand her due to a language barrier. Add to this an inclination in you and me to romanticize things and look for tragedy and melodrama, BOOM instant "we were meant to be" feeling. Your post has been very helpful for me to get a little perspective. Thank you. I hope I returned the favour. Hope you heal well.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

if a guy says this... Posted: 9/15/2009 9:59:51 AM
Wow, I'm surprised at how trigger happy people are in dating (to shoot and kill a possible relationship). If a man said that to me, I wouldn't spend time worrying about it. I would just think that he's trying to explain why he will be a bit reticent, and hopes that you will have patience with him as things go along. I see this as a relatively good sign, as he's thinking about you as a serious prospect. Of course, it would be ideal to start dating someone who hasn't been burned and traumatized, but, unless you're 10 years old, that's not going to happen. Of course, I could be entirely wrong, and he could be one of those guys who let a major heartbreak turn him into a "player" and is explaining to you why he hasn't let anyone get close since, and may not be ready to let anyone in now. I guess you're just going to have to ask more questions. Sounds like you are traumatized by past relationships too, so kettle, meet pot.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 78 (view)

10 things I hate about you. Posted: 9/10/2009 10:52:57 PM
1. I hate that you can break my heart, but you're so out of touch with your own emotions, your own heart won't break. 2. I hate that you are so uncommunicative that while I thought we were having a beautiful relationship, you were too stopped up to tell me that anything was wrong. 3. I hate that you associate marriage with losing freedom. 4. I hate that you're so secretive and think this is actually an acceptable way to have a relationship. 5. I hate that you still need to flirt with other women when we were in an exclusive monogamous relationship, and you didn't really think about how it would affect my feelings. 6. I hate that you are so squeamish about "drama" and are willing to ignore people you consider close friends just to avoid their "drama" (i.e. other people who are in touch with their feelings). 7. I hate that you were someone I thought of as an exceptionally kind person, and yet you are treating me like garbage after all I gave to our relationship (the last person in the world I expected to try to use me for sex when I clearly said that I couldn't handle that if we weren't dating). 8. I hate that you don't have the decency to contact me, even now. 9. I hate that you can actually blog that you're "chipper", just days after destroying me and cutting me out of your life. 10. I hate that you get to move on so quickly when you knew I was getting so emotionally attached.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

ok... I don't get it... at all... Posted: 9/10/2009 7:54:26 PM
They say grieving the loss of a relationship is like grieving someone who died - there are stages, and different people can do them them different orders and even bounce back through them in any combination. There's denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I am taking a hell of a long time to get to acceptance. But yes, saying the things you need to say does help.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Having problems with my ex's new thing. Posted: 9/9/2009 7:03:03 AM
Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps everything is not always about you? Try the idea out for a while, and see if your world changes. Why play the victim here, when you decided to end a four year engagement? Don't you feel badly for him? And they were going to have a baby together, and they got married - if you really cared about him, you should be happy that rather than you breaking up with him crushing him, he managed to find someone else to marry.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

first meeting etiquette Posted: 9/8/2009 7:04:21 PM
If you need confirmation, contact him. I would have assumed that you two have already arranged a 7:30 meeting. It would never occur to me that someone would stand me up because I didn't send back a "great, see you there" email. What if I was having trouble with my account and I thought I did send the message? Just email him tonight. "what works for you?" 5 how about 7:30? Okay, 7:30.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

How do you deal with other people in your relationship??? Posted: 9/3/2009 10:28:48 PM
I think men usually are more used to bottling up problems and not talking them through with others. It's pretty normal for women to talk through problems that she's having with her partner with her other friends. In this case, she's just discussing them with people who are fairly removed from the situation (at least geographically), which is actually more private than if she discussed this all with mutual friends or her family members which risks putting you in a negative light and damaging their impression of you and future interactions with you. Discussing this stuff anonymously with strangers on the internet should be better than blabbing it all to everyone you actually deal with in every day life. I don't think these guys should be emailing you directly about this stuff. But it sounds like that was the poor judgement of the guys and not something your partner asked them to do, so you can't really blame her for that. Perhaps instead of assuming they are on her side because of ulterior motives, consider that they would have to find your side of it pretty bad if they got riled up enough to actually write you about it (rather than just listening to her and not directly interfering). Usually I find that when I talk to guy friends about my guy troubles, they are pretty useful in helping me see the male perspective and it tends to result in me giving my guy some slack (because the guy friends outside of the situation can explain it objectively without being involved in it). But if a guy friend thinks that some guy is abusing or mistreating a female friend of theirs, then they will get all "big brother"-like and want to protect her.

Dumpling-Girl

Joined: 7/20/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

When a 3rd party breaks you up... Posted: 9/3/2009 1:03:49 AM
The ultimate decision was made by your ex. The friends are not standing there with a gun to his/her head. But I HAVE been in the position of friends TRYING to be disruptive though, and it's annoying as hell. They have mostly been ex-girlfriends or other girls that have had a romantic interest in him in the past and were having their egos bruised by seeing him getting really excited and loving with me when they couldn't get that from him. Whether they actually wanted him or not. Male friends didn't interfere. And female friends who had never had any romantic interest in him. They were just excited for him. It was obvious how happy he was with me, so anyone who REALLY cared about him (or who cared more than they were feeling selfish) should have been supportive instead of catty or competitive. I wish he had more friends who had his back, instead of insecure ex-girlfriends hanging around or insecure girls who had crushed on him. Things would have been much easier, and less annoying, but they did not cause the breakup. No point in holding grudges though. They can have him all to themselves now...until he finds another girlfriend...and then they can be unwelcoming with her. I am grateful for the supportive friends that I have, and even my family, who all treated him very well. I believe there's a responsibility on both sides - the new love interest and the old friends - to make an effort to get along though. Calling them "druggie morons" (even if you never did to their face) is going to translate into them feeling bad vibes from you and your judgemental opinion of them.

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