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Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 53 (view)

Are some people just not able to have a relationship? Posted: 8/21/2009 1:03:51 PM
OP there are a lot of women around who don't want a close relationship - some of them remain that way all their lives. The majority of women I come across my age, in fact, don't want such relationships. They may say they do but as you get to know them you start to see they have a 'list of things to be satisfied' and go looking for the man who can give them a particular thing at a particular time - then move on. The happiest married couple I've met live in separate houses all week then get together at the weekends. It's not wrong to be detached emotionally as long as you're honest about it - so that men who want to be in a close relationship aren't strung along and 'used' (similarly for men who only want the same thing with women). Those of us who are looking for the whole big love thing need to be honest about that too and not get physically involved with people going through a phase such as yours in 'the hope' it'll turn into true love. Other aspects of this include making sure you're protected against disease and unwanted pregnancy - I'm a firm believer that children need fathers. Another thing to consider is that if you are someone who craves a loving relationship and chooses to sleep around in the hope of hitting it off big time with someone you will gradually deaden yourself inside and lose the ability to bond. I know several professional women, including teachers and social workers, who have multiple 'partners' they have sex with on a regular basis and will dump a man who gets too clingy - one dumped a man who bought her flowers because it was 'too much' for her to bare - yet she was telling me she was desperately seeking Mr Right (eh?). I don't want to be a part of such a woman's menagerie, but I respect the fact they share such information honestly as a man can make valid decisions on this basis of this info. It's a case of horses for courses - I'm not sure there is a 'right or wrong' approach and if you're young it's easy to get into self-criticism on this one. Just figure out what makes you feel happy and go with that approach being honest about who you are. In the end it's you, and you alone, who decides what's right for you. You may have to learn by doing things that aren't who you are in order to find out who you actually are. When I was 19 my wife to be dumped me and out of the blue a young woman gave me her telephone number and we had one night together. When my wife to be found out she wanted me back all of a sudden. Although the woman I spent the one night with didn't bat an eyelid over it I didn't enjoy using women just for sex and told myself I wouldn't do that again and I've stuck to that decision without any difficulty since. You've got to be careful about avoiding clingy partners though in the same way I'm careful about not attaching to women who are, for whatever reason, unable to form a bonding relationship with a man. Whoever you are at this time just be honest about it. If you think you've got a problem with yourself in this area go see a counsellor and get professional support but I think you'll find you're perfectly 'normal'.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 81 (view)

Older men, younger women, and death Posted: 8/18/2009 5:13:27 PM
Nope OpieDopey - they owned a busy newsagents shop and I was a customer - it's a couple of years ago now and came as a big surprise to me too. They liked my personality and wanted me as a part of the family - they'd met my children too. And the daughter actually liked me of her own accord (enough to come up and touch me physically in the shop, which set me back a bit, I don't usually get that kind of treatment from shopkeepers). Eventually when mum suggested I needed a new woman in my life (and nodded at her daughter) I told mum straight she was too young for me. I think this is the problem with 'love' - it really is a bit blind, ain't it? But they were a decent family and no I've not got a big bank roll. I've got a nice, genuine personality. I've found the opportunities for romance come from the most unexpected places - pity we have to avoid them when they do, eh?

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 66 (view)

Older men, younger women, and death Posted: 8/10/2009 1:04:02 PM
I'm 48 and over the past couple of years I've had to fight off the attentions of a very attractive 16 year old (the 16 year old's parents were actually trying to get us together - they owned a business and I suspect wanted she and I to run it together) and also a 20 year old (the 20 year old attempted to hurt herself last year and I've avoided her since so I'm not sure if it was because I've turned her down several times - as nicely as I could. She asked me to marry her repeatedly over a 3 year period but I just don't regard this kind of thing as appropriate. Both lovely girls but I'd probably not hit 64 with one of those as a wife, know what I mean? I think it's about respect. Women like to get together with men they respect and who respect them rather than demand a 'sexual service'. At 19 I married and had children with a woman who didn't respect me as a father and over the next two decades she raised our children with the same disrespectful attitude towards me. However in my new life-circles the people I choose to be around treat me with a great deal of respect (and I conduct myself with greater self-respect than I did at 19) and I now interact with a lot of women who respect my advice - they don't always like it, but they respect it. I have a buddy about 10 years older than me on PoF and he attracts women my age (and younger) at a faster rate than I can - about 10 times faster! I'm looking forwards to older age - only trouble is I think all that excitement can lead to a faster exit. Hence my commitment to a celibate and chaste lifestyle at the moment - I'm saving up for my 60's.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

I don't get any attention in my relationship. Posted: 7/25/2009 8:38:05 AM
Hi Brian Did you have children because YOU wanted children or because the women wanted children and you thought by pleasing them you would get what you wanted (affection)? I hate to tell you this mate but I think you've been played. You know how some women talk about 'finding the right man' before having children (those women intend that the man will still be around once the child is born) - well, men need to think the same way about finding the right woman before having children. You're actually involved! A man can end up forming a lifetime bond with a child in much the same way as a female parent can - so you need to be bl*dy careful about who you have a child with. I know this from personal experience mate. There are men who want to just have sex with a woman and then scarper and there are also women who want men to have sex with them, sometimes in order to produce a baby, - and then hope he will be one of those men who scarpers. These women get real disappointed when the bloke just doesn't get it and decides to hang around. There's one sure way to find out if she actually wants to be with you: leave her. I have worked with several women now who look like angels/family women on the outside but have told me they want babies and can't hang around and then just a few weeks later have babies on the way - and haven't got a clue what the name of the father is. Men need to be careful. You need to learn to be more choosy and set higher standards for yourself. Get a life purpose that you and only you approve of and make getting a partner a secondary priority. The more you make of yourself and invest in yourself the more women will be attracted to you. What you've lost here is your self-respect and it'll get worse unless you do get more selfish. Invest in yourself by improving what you have to offer - to do this you need to approve of yourself and stop waiting for approval. Your situation will eventually make you emotionally ill and you need to take control of it. The best advice I've read so far is from bosoxfaninwa; you need to go to couple counselling (and you can get it for low cost/free if you ask around). I recommend you get a female counsellor because they know other women better than any male counsellor does. I suspect a female counsellor will open your eyes to a few realities about the nature of the male-female mating cycle - giving a woman a baby does not guarantee they will like or want to be with you. Stop confusing the matter by grasping out for affection/approval elsewhere and get your personal act together. I think someone expecting a man under 30 to be 'mature' and 'not-clingy' is being unrealistic tbh - nature designs young men to be stupid (and some women, too) so you should stop punishing yourself for the situation you're in. I've seen it so many times now I realise it's the way things are designed and we have to actually 'go against nature' to avoid this kind of trap. Young men who want love and affection they missed in younger life see young women as 'lovey dovey angels' and that rubbish will muck you up. What's she like as a friend? Bet you never knew her as one, eh? I tell women now I want to know them as friends for at least two years before I'll even consider anything physical - and I stick to it too. There are more important things in life than sex and affection from a woman. I'll be frank with you - I'm 48 and I can tell you you're in for a life of sht, Brian. You'll work your wotsits off trying to please her and you'll find her wanting to be with other blokes or pushing you to go outside of the relationship and make 'new female friends because you're too clingy'. And she's programmed to behave this way too; it's not her 'fault'. You need to overcome any fear of 'loneliness' as a motivator to stay with her and get yourself a meaningful life purpose, something you can focus on that reminds you of your core 'good' centre because right now you don't feel 'good enough', do you? Then when you're properly centred you can look at what you have and remove what doesn't fit. I know we should 'think about the children' but I can tell you that if she doesn't care about you, neither will the children. They will pick up on the way she sees you and she will talk to them about you behind your back. If she doesn't want you there you need to not be there. It's OK to make a mistake, but it's not OK to keep repeating it. If you can't get her to go to counselling with you (and my guess is that you suspect she'll refuse when you suggest it) I recommend you go yourself because you need to get long-term support. Your heart's in the right place but you've put it in the care of someone who doesn't actually care for it much at the moment, eh?, so you've got to take it back and care for it yourself - and you should always do this because the truth is that not a single relationship we have will last forever - what do you do in the gaps? Take care.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

What do you think? Posted: 3/2/2009 12:10:02 PM
It probably means he thinks a lot of the people he's intimate with and likes to cherish important memories. If he wanted to be with her you wouldn't be around. I think you have a right to ask him straight how he feels; if you're serious about him I also think you have a right to ask for it to be removed if it makes YOU feel uncomfortable. If I were your b/f and you told me a pic of an ex made you feel uncomfortable it would be gone in 60 seconds. If you're not uncomfortable and just curious ask him. Don't let things like this fester in your mind ever again. That's an order. Remember: Instant Happiness is Compulsory.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

What 'ends it' faster - our partner's imperfections, or their reflection of our own? Posted: 3/2/2009 12:01:49 PM
I think if people want a relationship with you to work they'll focus on your strengths; if they want a relationship with you to fail, they'll focus on your flaws. If a person's presence makes you constantly aware you have lots and lots of flaws and failings I suggest you leave that person's presence permanently. When I was married (for 13 years) I was determined the relationship was going to work so I ignored her flaws and focused on her strengths - trouble was I ignored the fact she did the opposite to me until I couldn't stand it any more. During that time because I wanted the relationship to work so much when she criticised me I would try to 'fix' myself - she never returned the favour. I've now been single for longer than I was married and guess what - I have no flaws. It's like magic. None. To find out what my flaws are I have to go dating where I discover I'm a born liar, am a sex maniac only after one thing and am a contemptible failure who has failed to learn the art of mind reading etc etc. Negative judgements do not help improve you as a person - they are simply an indicator the pair of you aren't suited. I trust my own intentions and values and don't need some idiot looking to damage my confidence as though it's their right to step in as judge, jury and executioner. Men (and women) have to stop this BS 'I sit in judgement on you' nonsense if they want their relationships to work. When a lady I meet up for a date with opens up with a criticism or acts as though she's sitting in judgement on me (about 80% of the time) that kills things stone dead. I don't sign up to things where people want to harp on about my alleged flaws. Life's tough enough as it is. I'm perfect as I am and so are you. We just have to learn to be honest with ourselves about it and communicate it honestly with others. There are no 'perfect' people. Anywhere. Just really good liars.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

Do Sites Like This Help Build Relationships? Posted: 12/30/2008 7:48:32 PM
Ballroom dancing is the answer. Disco destroyed relationships. I went ballroom dancing a few years ago at a dancing club where the average age was 55 and I was about 37. I had to peel those women off me. Relationships? They were closer than my clothes were. But you just can't get ballroom dancing any more. No ballroom dancing = end of species.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

What is acceptable at this point? Posted: 12/30/2008 7:37:09 PM
The only thing acceptable is that which is acceptable to you and anyone you interact with, OP. Noone but you is watching you. Frightening though, isn't it? All in the same boat, mate, so keep that in mind as you grow into a new life. It's our own self-judgements we've got to watch.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 1059 (view)

Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs? Posted: 12/23/2008 5:19:46 PM
jen bean you should not worry about your next partner's reaction. If he wants you to do something you don't like sexually dump him. It means he doesn't care about you. Personally I don't understand the obsession with blow jobs (and anal sex) and I think both are degrading acts - who the hell invented the idea it's OK to stick your mouth or whatever else into and onto another person's waste disposal system? And a mouthful of pubic hair is worse than eating a Shredded Wheat made of wire, don't you think? Oh, how very sexually exciting, eh? If you don't want to do it, don't. If new man is worth his salt he'll ask you once and then accept your feelings.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 202 (view)

Why is sex on the first date such a big deal? Posted: 12/23/2008 5:09:24 PM
I once had sex with a lady having known her for no more than 10 minutes in total. She gave me her number in a nightclub when passing by, I phoned her expecting to go just chat and she opened her door to me with nothing but a see-through nightie on. I was 19 at the time and had just been dumped by my girlfriend. It was a rebound thing and while I understood it I didn't like myself much the next day and decided I wouldn't do it again and never have. I've had a few dates and have been offered sex on the first meet and have turned it down. I think sometimes you have to do what isn't really in line with who you really are in order to figure out who you really are. I find using women for sexual release disgusting - if there's no element of responsibility or caring for the person 'behind the body' involved. Although I'm a 'devout atheist' I live in a religious community and it really stands out how their quality of life is improved by their responsible and self-respecting attitude towards sexual behaviour and even amongst some of my religious pals I'm regarded as a bit of an extremist. I regard sexuality as our ability to create new people and I think we should take a responsible attitude towards it. There's more to having sex than having sex - I think you have to kill a part of your humanity if you want to have sex on a regular basis with people you have no other type of connectivity with. I'm really surprised by how many straight-laced women will tell me they think prostitution is OK so that men can 'get their release'. I have a male pal in his mid-50's who once held a similar viewpoint to mine but has now changed his view and finds women offer him the overnight stay by email before even meeting him and he now takes them up on that offer, if he's attracted to them, on a very regular basis. Personally if I got involved with a woman and found she 'gave it away' that easily I'd end the relationship. I think it's a case of horses for courses and I have no objection to people living whatever way they choose as long as I get the choice of making the decision early on of not wanting to be with them by their being honest with me. Anyone who gives me the 'my sex life is my business' talk would be off my list of someone to date just as I would be off theirs. As far as I'm concerned if I'm going to be intimate with someone else's body I want to know what that body's been doing before it comes into contact with mine. I prefer having self respect to having sex, I guess.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 75 (view)

He still gets a christmas tree for the kids Posted: 12/22/2008 5:14:24 PM
All relationships are a negotiation process. I admire your boyfriend's position - he gets to see his kids on Christmas day. My ex 'politely' told me I could see them on Boxing Day's only and refused to allow me to pop and see them on Christmas Days - that rule stayed in place for 14 years. She also cut me out of all of my kids birthday parties and pretty much every other kind of parent-related 'task' - unless the kids got out of control with her and then I was her 'emergency service'. Many men have the same kind of emotional bond with their children that their mother's do - I've heard tell that 'men don't care as much' and that's pure BS. Your fella is not a 'tool for hire' in a tug of war between you and his ex. He's a responsible father - and if his ex is co-operating with him and supporting him in his role that will lead to his becoming more available to you sooner. I can tell you from experience that if his ex was blocking him from seeing his children having a new girlfriend would be the last thing on his mind. She's doing you a big favour by not playing mind-games with him - you'd be picking up much more serious emotional baggage from him if she was. I'd suggest you buy the tree next Christmas and take it round to her house yourself. The best way to find out what the protocol is is to talk to him about how you can take action to meet all of your needs. Support him as a father and you'll have a better chance of remaining his girlfriend - it's who he is.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Is it wrong to date whilst having chemotherapy? Posted: 12/22/2008 4:57:22 PM
Not if you're emotionally stable it's not, no. But I would be cautious about not attracting someone who wants to take advantage of any perceived vulnerability. I know someone who recovered from cancer after radiotherapy but inherited a very dangerous husband who she married on impulse in hospital. He married her for her flat and was most annoyed she recovered and attempted to poison her - he was prosecuted for attempted murder and sexually assaulting her 11-year old daughter (for which he got 2 years probation due to the fact he turned out to be a schizophrenic). So if you're the same old bubbly you you've always been you should carry on exactly 'as you were' and have fun but I wouldn't share the chemo information too often if you don't want to attract the creepy types.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Pushed him away, regret it now Posted: 12/22/2008 4:29:57 PM
You could give it a shot but at the same time your priority really needs to be getting yourself sorted out first - don't make the mistake of thinking having a significant other in your life will get rid of your own internal stresses and pains - we all tend to project our inner turmoil on others close to us whether we want to or not. I think the secret is to share and see if you get support rather than to lash out. I'd give it another go if you feel you're ready for it - even if you're not sure if you are ready you can still try as long as you're doing something (or have done something) to transition out of your own stressed state. You make a good point about not 'making his mind up for him' - I've met and been irritated by quite a few women who live under the delusion men need to be 'managed' - men just want their women to be straight with them. The idea that men can't manage their own lives comes I think from the period when females are more mature than males inthe late teens to the 30's period. A 57 year old with a business knows what he wants. An attitude of deciding for a man what he should be wanting is very condescending but a lot of women I've met think that's their role. It sounds as though he was ready for the relationship and understands what it takes to make it work while you weren't quite as ready. There's nothing 'bad' about that - we're ready for a relationship or we're not. It takes time to deal with our emotional pains and frustrations - but I do think if a relationship is 'healthy' it's an opportunity to share as you'll get that kind of stuff no matter what stage the relationship is at. I'd suggest thinking about whether or not it was just a one-off phase or if you got yourself into a behavioural cycle of some kind - you don't want a repeat if you get him back or if you enter a relationship with someone else. Good luck.

solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

What to do when your not running the show. Posted: 10/18/2008 9:47:27 AM
Throw your daughter out. She has no respect for you. Once it's that bad you only have one decision to make - when. You're entitled to a life free of being manipulated and used. I had two sons living with me, one of 23 and one who was just turning 18. They lived with me for 3 years but their mother had let them mix with criminal gangs and run riot at her home. The atmosphere was continually 'thuggish' with aggression and threats to people on the phone - my youngest son even told me he had friends he was going to ask to kill me (and I'm sure he really does have those kinds of friends, too) ... well I just got sick of it but when I decided to talk to my sons about it I got 'keep your nose out'. So I did - by throwing them out. You have to draw a line. I have a daughter of 25 - a couple of years ago she was at uni and I hadn't seen her for a year. She lived with her mum then and had come down to my place to use the pc. Well, I was having a laugh with her and put my hand on her head and she turned me and said 'get the f* off me you ct'. I told her I didn't find the way she was talking to me acceptable and she replied it didn't matter what I thought I had no choice but to put up with it (she spoke to people like that at her mum's house). I switched the pc off and showed her the door. A while later she repeated this kind of treatment and actually argued with me about how this was her right. I ended that right. I ended our relationship. It's your job to raise them through childhood but once they become an adult it's their job to raise themselves and there's nothing you can do to change that. At some point you'll have to start putting yourself first, OP. That's your right.

solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 47 (view)

How do men turn love off overnightt Posted: 10/18/2008 9:34:41 AM
OP there is nothing to learn from this experience in terms of 'men'. People do this kind of thing all the time. The only thing you need to learn is about yourself - in terms of your own emotional attaching and detaching process. There's nothing 'wrong' with you or the experience - in fact he sounds a bit emotionally immature. Seeing someone 3 days a week is sufficient to maintain quite a close relationship. If he had the ability, at the moment, to maintain a long-term relationship this wouldn't have happened - although of course it can happen when you've been married for 20 years. That's the real lesson to learn I suppose. Sh*t happens. Loving partners die; loving partners leave; loving partners turn up when you're in bed with the neighbour's husband. Happens all the time. The lesson to learn is not to become so attached to another adult that it devestates you to the point it takes years to recover. I fell into that trap once and I've made a few 'temporary' mistakes since. Encapsulate the experience for what it was and move on. I've had some really painful emotional experiences and I can't say I've ever 'learned' anything worthwhile from them other than sometimes other people can be incredibly stupid and cruel and they need to be avoided rather than 'learned from'. Do you really need to learn from a guy who failed to maintain his end of your relationship? Nope.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

Together for 20 years, but the magic is gone.... Posted: 10/3/2008 10:40:02 AM
Together 20 years and unable to talk honestly means your marriage is dead, HumbertoEcho. You are already 'cheating' by coming on here, by fantasising about your massage therapist. Pretty soon you'll be seeing other women and wondering what the hell's happening to you. You could be like me - I'm a very happy 'celibate' and have been for 15 years. I think you can be happy wherever you are if you commit to it. Your problem is you don't know where you are and it sounds like your wife is happy to keep you in that state. I'd leave her. You'll soon find out then if she actually wants to be with you or is willing to do anything about it. It sounds to me like she has an agenda and she's not sharing it with you. Or that's she's depressed and doesn't want to discuss it with you. Either way, as a couple you're finished because if she won't share with you nothing can move forward. One thing I'm a bit negative about though is this idea you 'need sex' - you don't. You probably feel aroused when you're around her as this triggers off your instincts - I had the same thing. But men don't actually 'need' sex - they're much better off looking for self-respect and proper control of their lives. The idea that if our partners don't give it us we've got to find it elsewhere is a fallacy. The need for intimacy is another kettle of fish and you may have to go through a deep mourning period, which is difficult when the person you long for is still alive and your unconscious can't see 'why' - it's like killing something off that's fundamental to you. Nevertheless, I think you need to face up to this. And maybe go get counselling support rather than massage therapist support.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Don't Believe People Really Want to Meet Posted: 10/3/2008 10:26:28 AM
Now this is the trouble with 'hope' and emotionally attaching to dreams with no basis in reality yet. You're right, BTDT2, in that it's not what we expect - so we have to take it for what it is. Must say I've 'given up' but that's a good thing. I do think it's important not to care too much, because if you care - you've got 'issues' when what you care about doesn't happen according to your internal timetable. We can't demand that people want to meet with us and after a while we learn that emotionally attaching to folks we hardly know, probably have never met yet, and get really upset about, is patently daft. I did it on a paid site a while ago and hated it - got attached to someone who I emailed back and forth with, texted and phoned with, met her and she said she wanted to meet again but I got myself in such a state I dumped her the next day because I realised I was too attached too soon. Not repeated that since - that was a year ago - and now I couldn't get attached to a woman online if I wanted to. I have to meet them and get to them in person for a while - have no expectations and you don't get a sense of losing something you never actually had. It's a great site, this. I've met a few people and been to a couple of the social events. Made some good male friends into the bargain. I've also been on about 4 paid sites and compared to PoF they were crp. Total and utter crp, with lots of judgemental women who just want to tell you why you're not good enough. Being on here is a bit of fun if you allow it be.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

BS MY MARRIAGE IS SOME BS? Posted: 10/2/2008 3:37:49 PM
Be grateful you haven't got kids with her (if you haven't). Detach from someone like this and move on - you're handing your decisional power over to her as though she's running your entire life - take your personal power back and allow yourself a new future. Forget the other man - it's not his fault. She's the one who's broken your contract, not him. You won't win a thing by going down that route and could end up locked up and still not having a wife. When you're ready you need to go get counselling and get it out of your system. Big shock I know but you need to not keep festering on it and get yourself out of the situation.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Am I Broken? Posted: 10/1/2008 12:42:27 PM
Hi gizmozdaddy Great post. No, you're not broken. Unfortunately all things gained are eventually lost. No matter how long we live, they are all lost. You should only give that which you can reasonably afford to lose because there are no guarantees for any of us. I'm not bhuddist but I practice 'detachment' because I've got too attached a couple of times and it hurts, don't it? I think you have to appreciate every day but make sure you always come down on your side of the fence - there's plenty of cruelty around. Sometimes folks regard 'love' as the act of a foolish person desperate to be exploited. There's nothing wrong with going without, and there's nothing wrong with getting. Only thinking makes it so. I nicked that last sentence from somewhere but I don't know where from.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

How long do men feel the need to pursue? Posted: 9/25/2008 2:52:37 PM
I only pursued once (for a continuous 13 year stretch, in fact) and didn't get what I expected. I no longer feel the need to pursue. Ever. Being respected is much more important to me than having a relationship with a woman. I have women who actually flutter their eyelashes at me then get in a huff because I don't 'pursue' - in fact I find the arrogance behind that idea highly amusing - and I've had women I was getting on well with me go cold on me because I handed the job of 'pursuing' over to them and I don't behave how they expected. They don't generally like that one bit. One lady I gave a business card to and said call me when you'd like to go out somewhere. She didn't like that and she's never called even though she said she would - and I expected her not to. It isn't deliberate game playing - it's just I've learned that pursuing for a man is a complete waste of time. You can get laid by pursuing and doing all the romantic stuff but you can't get a worthwhile relationship - for that you have to have gradual integration. It dawned on me a couple of weeks ago that I'm completely happy being celibate and am completely indifferent to having a woman in my life. Then I thought 'how sad is it that?'. You can't win, eh? If it happens it happens, but I'm not going to pursue it - all that does is push it away. When you pursue you get something you don't actually need.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 57 (view)

Is it wrong to care about a prospective partners feelings? Posted: 9/21/2008 10:30:12 AM
Hi jonsdevon I would date other women if possible. I've read the whole thread and I think you're either rebound guy or 'bridge to next relationship' guy. It could be that she wants you to stay away because she wants you to be the 'ultimate goal' and when she's doing her emotional work she needs to be alone to process her feelings. If that's the case I'm the same way - when I do painful emotional work I like to be left well alone, sometimes for weeks. If I told a lady this and she turned up at my door unexpectedly (especially if I believed she didn't know where I lived) I'd find that particularly worrying. It would tell me she's likely to be extremely domineering and 'in my face'. There are other possible reasons she finds your turning up a worry though. The fact she had to go deal with her feelings when she discovered her ex was having a thing with her running friend's partner says she's still in deep there - and you're in danger of her going back to him if that's a possibility. Personally I'd be gone from such a relationship at that point as I like a simple life. I wonder if she wants to keep you away from her parents' home in order to easily facilitate her getting back with her ex without too many questions being asked? And do you have a sense of being in competition with him for her affections? I've known women who get married to men for security while at the same time conducting affairs with the men they're actually 'in love' with (sometimes the men themselves are in relationships or married and the two love-birds will say they're both trapped in marriages and don't want to hurt their partners etc etc). If you've got a load of drama going on you might just want to consider finding someone who's more straight forward.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 108 (view)

Do men usually love their first wife the most? Posted: 9/20/2008 11:50:11 PM
Your first love has such a powerful affect - unfortunately to overcome this a man must learn to detest his ex wife/love in order to clear out those attachments as they hang like 'landmarks' in his emotional history. I can recall and refeel the emotions I felt when I was 19 and my wife to be was 'the one'. So the part of me that was addicted to her is still there. Fortunately for me she was an absolute b*tch for the next 28 years and managed to turn my children against me. This balances up against my lovey dovey feelings for her - in a way I'm grateful to her for that as until I realised she wasn't the angel-of-mercy my lovey dovey feelings portrayed her as I had that urge to re-bond. Having children by her made me feel morally obligated to love her I suppose - for 5 years after leaving I kept thinking 'I hope to god she never asks me to come back'. I read a book by Paul McKenna, the hypnotist, who recommends some specific techniques for 'hating' someone out of your system and he's quite right - my ex could see no good in me - she could have written his book - whereas I had trouble seeing the bad in her. It's difficult to 'destroy precious memories' but that's what has to be done. Everyone's different though, so there is no one 'standard approach' to this. It's up to the man to explore his own feelings and re-balance himself so he can move on afresh. Must say that my experience has taught me to be more cautious about managing my feelings and not just 'opening completely up' which is what I think I did - I thought your question was perceptive, OP.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Difficult personality Posted: 9/20/2008 11:36:37 PM
There's nothing you can do, Charlie. Save yourself. Honestly, they'll have you jumping around like a cat on a hot tin roof and then they'll tell you it's you and you'll believe them. You'll be saying 'this isn't me, I don't want to wake up in the morning wondering what kind of a war I'm going to have to deal with today'. Over time you'll develop your own inner-aggression-monsters and turn into the punchbag that fights back. Don't be the punchbag, Charlie. The only power you have in such a situation is leave. Leave them or you'll end up leaving who you truly want to be behind.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 104 (view)

Women please tell me how to find out if a guy is lying??? Posted: 9/20/2008 11:13:07 PM
houston if you've started doing background checks on the guy that means you already don't trust him and that means end of potential relationship. That's it. Tell him you're not suited and don't meet him any more. Don't confront him - there's no point and you're not in this dating business to 'put people right' but to find Mr Right.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why? Posted: 9/19/2008 11:00:36 AM
sunny I'd trust your instincts and move on. that's why you've got intuition - no point in having it if you won't listen to it. Unfortunately this kind of stuff 'hardens you up' and you'll end up becoming a bit more like the people who do this to you. Then someone else will tell you you're doing it to them. Not that you become jaded, necessarily, but you learn that 'It ain't happening until it's happening and when it stops happening it ain't happening' - then you don't even bother questioning the other person involved as to 'why' or asking 'is it me' as the signals are so like all the other times you got the signals you get the message without anyone explaining anything. It's always them, in fact. And I'm not being sarcastic there. It is them. All the signals are bog standard and are learned through experience. Once you see this stuff repeatedly you learn to not even bother thinking about it. That just about sums it up, sadly. It's the same for both genders.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 33 (view)

guys who just talk about themselves Posted: 9/12/2008 12:15:48 PM
they're probably just trying to impress you, OP. Of course you're more impressed by people who don't wish to try and impress. Or - it's because you want to be the centre of focus yourself and they're just getting in the way. Or you're just wanting to meet someone who's more socially skilled. I'm very socially skilled. Have I told you how socially skilled I am? My goodness I am socially skilled. I'm also a really modest bloke. Actually, I'm sure if you got to know me you'd find me to be the most modest bloke in the entire world ... if there were an olympics category for modesty I think I'd win it every time ... sh*t, I've blown it haven't I?

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 317 (view)

why do men always have to look at other women!! Posted: 9/12/2008 12:10:46 PM
Men usually look at other women for the same reason they look at other men - to avoid bumping into them. They also look at lampposts and moving vehicles and cats and open manhole covers for the same reason. I do see men turning and looking women up and down etc etc but it doesn't do them any good - they just look like dumb beasts of the field. I never look at 'other' women because I don't have my own woman to look at. I tend to look at this bl**dy laptop screen all the time these days. Looking at other women would be a good 'dumb beast of the field' thing to do. Phwoar! Just kidding.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

_______ need not apply Posted: 9/12/2008 11:53:59 AM
Hi OP I have a strong prejudice against firemen. I worked with a bunch of them for about 9 months and the Chief Fire Officer in the station explained I needed to keep an eye out for the troublecausers - after a while I realised he'd moved all the nutters into one 'watch' (there are three watches in a fire station and he'd decided to put all the rotten eggs in one basket). Whenever I had to deal with these fellas there was always aggressive stuff going on - so I tend to be wary of firemen now as I assume one third of all firemen are complete wnkers. I have policemen friends who tell me the exact same thing about the firemen they've worked with. However, what we need to focus on is that two thirds of firemen are decent blokes - indeed the Chief Fire Officer and a couple of other firemen helped me deal with the wnker firemen to the point I could do my job. I cannot help but be prejudiced now when someone introduces themselves as a 'fireman' because of my previous experience - but once they come across as friendly and OK I categorise them as 'the two thirds'. If you've had a rotten experience with a bunch of people it will be your unconscious desire to avoid people who remind you of them - but if you could have an experience of a different nature with people from the same culture then this would force you to change your view. You should remember that there is a difference between thinking racist thoughts and acting on them - but in all honesty you need to get yourself out of the trap you're in as it obviously left you with a bit of an emotional scar. Prejudice is a natural response to bad experiences regardless of the source but tarring everyone the same way is living a lazy lie. Every person is a bit different to every other person.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Note Pad People! Posted: 9/12/2008 10:13:30 AM
Hi Midnightstorms I like TakeMeTheWayIAm's response - interesting stuff. I think what you're talking about here are lazy power mad gits who would rather sit in judgement on others struggling to make a relationship work why they extract the bits they want and discard the rest of the person. We could also refer to these as parasites. I'm afraid I have become a very careful observer of people and have avoided getting involved for 14 years (soon be 15 and counting) and I believe the reason they take this stance is so they hold on to power. The problem with holding onto power, and sitting in the judgement seat, is that it kills the relationship stone dead at the root. If you are with such a person you need to avoid their company because they don't know how to connect - they're too worried about being where you are. You get such folks at work too - they're the people who don't think they should muck in with everyone else and regard you as a fool when you tolerate others. They're frozen in their craving for status above all else. When I say I'm an 'observer' I think I've become a bit like that Attenborough chap. I'm booking my ticket to go observe some Bonobo's next week as apparently they're at it all the time with everything. I shall go and sit in judgement on them. I've got a little poem I did about judgemental people: People of opinion miss one vital clue So busy opining they fail to do. When I go speed dating there are a lot of ladies who have you measured and found wanting before your bum hits the chair. Don't worry OP, give it a couple of years of observing like you are doing and you'll be just like 'em. You'll be sitting in judgement on the judgemental people.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 56 (view)

Ever thought about giving a ex lover an STD because you're still pissed about the way it ended? Posted: 9/11/2008 4:48:48 PM
Just reading this thread has made me feel all itchy. Ewww

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

How bad is to ask someone out by email? Posted: 9/9/2008 5:10:51 PM
Asking someone out for a date is completely unacceptable in all situations no matter what the medium used. You have to fool them into asking you out for a date by using telepathic alpha waves thereby giving you a chance to say 'I don't find the way you contacted me acceptable you cowardy custard you'. OP I know what you mean but I'd say just ask no matter what method you use. I try different methods according to what seems appropriate at the time - and there are people who are happy with emails and people who have all kinds of quirky attitudes. If a person I'm asking out is affected by the medium used I don't think they're worth bothering with. Petty people don't interest me like that. Generally if they like you they don't give a chimps' wotsits what method you use.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Sexual Harrassment Harrassment Posted: 9/9/2008 12:40:03 PM
I think the context in which something is discussed is key here. For example I can discuss my views on sex and relationships with a lot of the women I work with and they never have a problem with that - but I've noticed there are a lot of men who don't know how to do this without making it sound like an approach. I've worked with men who have got into serious trouble after freaking women out - these fellas make comments to me about 'you'll get into trouble for talking like that here' and I never do - in fact the women I talk to on a regular basis trust me even more because they know where I'm coming from. The trick is not to personalise it. I worked with a chap who, when a new young lady entered the office, (any new young lady in fact) he'd start acting like he managed the office and would talk abruptly to his colleagues in a bossy way - then he'd act like warm sickly treacle all over the woman. It was weird to watch and some women produced a 'startled' expression when he smiled at them. This often freaks women out (I call it 'smarmy') - this particular chap was completely unaware he was doing it and even after I told him he did it several times he couldn't stop himself. Doomed. I did make a mistake once of complimenting a colleague on her lovely eyes (that was about 10 years ago). She stopped talking to me for a year (she knew I knew she was happily married so didn't expect her to react like that) so I insulted her a little bit and that cheered her up and she was bessie mates after that. I know a few men who make the mistake of thinking that because a woman is paying attention to them in some way it's a 'come on' but often women treat men the same way they treat women and every other creature on the planet. A work colleague in her 60's invited a male colleague in his 40's for dinner as a workmate and he took it as a come-on. Took about 2 years for them to start talking to each other again. I'd say there's something else going on the background here, OP, that has caused the lady in question to contextualise what the fella said as an invasion of privacy - nothing in the sentence you've given would cause a fella to be accused of harrassment unless other stuff is going on - one thing I've noticed causes most men problems in this area is the way it's said rather than what's said. There are women around though who, even when you've made it very clear you're not interested in them, will act as though you are and I've got a few of those in the closet dotted about. You can't win - if you tell them you're not interested so they can drop the act they'd play dumb and shocked. I once had a young lady I worked with who used to regularly pat my backside and when I asked her to stop it she stopped speaking to me - when I met her a few years later and said I hoped she hadn't minded she told me she had no idea what I was talking about and got the huff. Best thing any man can do is if a woman goes 'perv-alert' is avoid like the plague because you can't win. I sometimes warn blokes they need to apologise/back off even if they didn't do anything because if a woman thinks you did something, then you did in their eyes. I've had women directly ask me for sex at work - sometimes within 30 minutes of meeting me for the first time. I've never heard of a male colleague doing that to a woman. Different rules I suppose.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

dating a woman from work Posted: 9/7/2008 11:41:11 AM
It can work out - I know two couples at work who are getting married. But it's a big risk because you're breaking through those 'persona shields' that people have at work and if either of you starts revealing those under-the-shield things at work then one or both of you will feel really compromised. Especially if you split. I'd say you'd need to set very strict guidelines you both agree to stick to and see it as something to develop slowly - you want to fade in and then fade out if you figure you're not suited. Don't do the physical stuff apart from cuddly-wuddly-kissy-wissy until you're sure. Personally, I wouldn't do it unless I felt very right about them - in 11 years of working with hundreds of women I've rejected about 5 women and almost dated about 3 but changed my mind. My career means more to me than any relationship does now, sad to say. It's more reliable (and more personally rewarding) than most relationships would be.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 70 (view)

my boyfriend still has profile up on POF, what do I do? Posted: 9/6/2008 12:06:22 AM
Luckeeinlov do what I do. First, completely ignore what members of the opposite sex say (talk and listen with them, by all means) - but look mostly at what they do. What they do is more difficult to identify because it involves time and self control and putting 'what you want them to do' to one side. If you have impulsive urges you must suppress those whilst you take the role of a 'reality observer'. Second, pay even closer attention to yourself. The poster who mentions you have 'issues' has a point in that you're 'cooking with gas' on the situation and you need to take a step back and not get drawn into this 'is he, isn't he? will he, won't he?' stuff. You need to get clarification on what you want the relationship to be, then clarification on what he wants it to be, and if you can't get the two to match then end it. If you end it though, end it on the basis of what you see and not on the basis of what you want to be seeing. B/f and g/f doesn't mean exclusive unless you both agree that's what it means and behave accordingly. If he's not matching you behaviourally then it's not going to work for you.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

The nonsense about being positive at all cost. Posted: 9/4/2008 10:43:28 PM
Hi OP there's a big difference between developing positive thinking structures in order to avoid releasing negative emotional energy into the body in the future (which is a really sensible thing to do in most cases) and dealing with past 'negative' emotional energy that has already been released into the body. Negative emotions already held in the body cannot be released using 'positive thinking' and in fact require that 'thinking' be gotten out of the way (as thinking involves the ego trying to pretend it controls the emotional process) and allowing 'feeling' to take place. Positive thinking when applied to 'negative' ie painful emotional energy already released into the body is denial, and as you rightly point out is where a person fails to acknowledge their inner reality. A lot of denial is based on social pressures to 'look like you're always having a good time' and programming yourself about 'not feeling bad'. Bhuddists also say 'all life is suffering' and they have learned to 'go through' their currently held negative emotions in order to achieve peace on the other side - something you point out in your post. If you ever look at the TED videos online you may have seen the 'scientifically proven happiest person in the world' is a bhuddist monk and he explains the paradox of having to go through rather than avoid negative emotions in order to become unconditionally happy. Positive thinking can help you come down on your side of life's arguments (so for example when someone tells you you're not attractive or have a poor personality you can immediately provide yourself with memories of the 100 people who said something completely different to you over the years as a counteraction that just blows that kind of stuff out of your mind) - you can develop a whole range of 'quick-fire' internal responses and mental tools to leave yourself still feeling positive without even feeling the need to challenge your abuser. Negative feelings often tell us how we are actually being treated or what we really are experiencing as opposed to what we are consciously telling ourselves we should be feeling and denying the message held in the unconscious emotional reaction means we remain in situations that are actually harmful to us for longer periods of time. We come away from these situations with emotional 'baggage' that needs to be cleared before we can move on - the longer we deny what our negative feelings are telling us the longer we need to recover when we get to a point where denial won't hold the feelings back. When you meet folks who treat you with prejudice it's because they've not yet faced up to this internally held emotional baggage. Sensitive people tend to criticise themselves (and get criticism from others) for being 'over-sensitive' when in fact they need to be more sensitive - the reason they are sensitised is because they are being hurt and aren't accepting it. When we start to react negatively to a situation that is our true 'us' and tells us how we really feel. You cannot and should not think 'positively' about negative feelings - they should be felt for what they are, the message extracted and acknowledged (we shouldn't take external action as this usually leads to harming someone but we should withdraw ourselves from the situation or allow ourselves just to feel and release the pain). In my experience we get 'positive' feelings, which are much more powerful than 'positive' thoughts, as a natural side affect of allowing ourselves to be with our pains until they evaporate and stop bothering us any more. Our bodies have their own built in healing processes when it comes to the emotions and 'positive thinking' tries to pretend we have the ability to override our natural processes when we can't. When we feel negative emotions in the body we need to get our thinking out of the way.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

she just up an left Posted: 9/2/2008 11:45:07 AM
Our minds naturally want to figure this stuff out - particularly if we've got an urge to put it right (if we get the chance) or avoid it happening again. I knew a fella of 54 who was in shock for over a year after his wife, who he'd been married to for over 30 years, walked out the day after their 18 year old son left home after telling him she just wanted to try a new life - he told us they'd never once fallen out. We suspected there was another fella in the background but she denied it when he asked her. Let your mind obsess about it for a while OP as you move towards clearing her out of your system - don't ever have her back if she turns up. You won't be able to trust her. You've just got to make sure you don't carry this over to your next relationship. I'd bin her clothes and give the cats away. Clear all memories of her out of your life and move on.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

If guys can see through my dress so what!!!! Posted: 9/1/2008 2:02:50 PM
I had a male work colleague who dated a female colleague. At work she dressed modestly but outside of work she dressed in see-through tops and super-short skirts etc. He went from being a nice, easy-going guy to being an obsessively jealous jerk within a couple of months. I never had any interest in the lady myself but when she and I were working together the male colleague, who at one time used to be laid back and easy-going, would come doing the 'leave my g/f alone' aggressive crap. I see no reason for wearing see-through stuff other than to drive a b/f insane with jealousy. I'd never date such a woman - not because it'd bother me directly but because I'd end up having to deal with the disrespectful jerks who's think she's up for grabs. And I do mean up for grabs. Drunken yobs on the street tend to grab at women dressed like that.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Risk Posted: 9/1/2008 1:53:24 PM
BigDaddyJinx is right about the wrongness of regarding being alone/single as 'bad'. Folks who think single is bad are stuck in a brainwashed illusion - I've several times had to have words with fellas who think just because they're single or because a woman's single they're forced by some unwritten principle to pursue women no matter how inappropriate it is. When a woman shows an interest in me and there's something about her that puts me off I'll get questioned on it - but my intuition always turns out to be right. There is nothing wrong with being alone - we could argue that deciding not to take up an opportunity when it presents itself is itself 'taking a risk'. I prefer to take only measured risks these days. When you lose your home, your kids and live in absolute poverty for 5 years while you're recovering from the financial blow of a divorce - and this is followed up by years of mind-game playing by your ex while you try to raise your kids with them - well, you learn all about why you should be cautious about taking those 'go for it' risks. While I take lots of mini-risks I never take a risk I can't afford to lose unless I've got no other choice. OP you've mentioned we shouldn't be so picky but I disagree with that - there's a particular set of feelings I want to get when I'm with a woman and I haven't had those requirements met yet - I don't go just on looks. Why on Earth should I go without what would make a relationship worthwhile for me given that I'm currently happier than I've ever been in my entire life? So I'm 'picky' on the basis of what I'm looking for - and if I don't find what I'm looking for I'm entitled, or not, to change what I'm looking for. There's no rush. If you're happy as a single person then what you're looking for is something that will make you even happier and not something that will stress you out purely because of some unwritten principle that's buried in the general unconscious.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

Amateur Psychology Posted: 8/31/2008 1:36:53 AM
Hi OP It won't be so much the words as the emotional impact of them - when you get emotionally attached to someone you 'open yourself up' to them and because their opinions are important to you you start trying to adapt to them as if their opinions were reality. I'd suggest you go clear out the painful emotional responses by seeing a counsellor for a short while - the words are secondary and as you revisit the emotional impacts he made you can give yourself new words and come down on your side of the arguments second time around. I know exactly what you mean in your post, by the way. I left my marriage 14 years ago believing I was responsible for every bad thing that ever happened in my relationship and that my ex and our children were angels whilst I was a bit of a monster - until you mix with other people who do exactly what you did and you see them being completely accepted as OK in their relationship - people with no conscience can get inside your head and make good look bad and bad look good when you've lifted the mechanism that protects your unconscious. In war they call it brainwashing and it's really easy to have it happen to you. All someone has to do is get a socially responsible person thinking along the lines 'you know, it could really be me - I really must change myself because I'm not quite good enough ...' and it goes downhill from there. I met a lady who's husband was obviously insane to everyone but her, he'd managed to convince her his madness was her doing. She was in her 50's and it wasn't until I told her point blank 'your ex husband's nuts and you couldn't do a thing about it' that she actually even looked at it that way. She'd spent 6 months trying to figure out what she'd done to make him that way. Get rid of the emotional damage inside by feeling and releasing the pain and while you do it challenge the thought proceses (and his haunting words) and make sure you come down on your side of the argument. I think of this as emotional detoxification. There are people who just love to stick their crap into other people's hearts.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 74 (view)

Do I tell a family friend that our spouses have been having an affair right under our noses? Posted: 8/30/2008 1:22:08 AM
rcord797: Firstly, thank you for making the post so easy to read - a lot of the posts by emotionally charged up folks are so difficult to read you can't really get an overall picture. Secondly, your marriage and your friendship with the couple in question is over and you should do nothing to anyone in trying to resolve the situation. You should not tell his wife, you should not act 'like a man and take your wife back' - she is not worth having back and will do this again to you. If you 'act like a man' you in fact risk being killed or being found guilt of murder - you've already seen the affects of your brief bout of 'violence' and how this can be turned against you. Your wife has a right to destroy your marriage if she chooses, as do you, and that's what she's done. You need to stop thinking 'highly' of these people - you appear to be looking for reasons to maintain this 'high regard' viewpoint - I'm thinking of your remarks regarding their dying son - those poor, poor parents, eh? They're a bunch of conniving bas***s and you need to face that painful fact. Your situation will make you ill if you continue to remain in it as you do not agree with your own 'violent' outbursts (I have to say I think your actions have been gentlemanly so far given the circumstances and you need to stop your self-reproaching - a lot of men would have attempted to kill their male friend - he's no friend at all but an enemy of your life, in fact - your response is perfectly natural to a situation in which you feel trapped. I have a friend who walked in on his g/f having sex with another fella and he reacted by splitting the guy's skull open. I left my wife because my intuition told me she was about to start having affairs (it wouldn't have surprised me if she was already in one as I found her to be extremely good at hiding her feelings/actions) and I know for a fact I'd lose it big time and because I didn't want to do that I left before the event presented itself. I think you reacted extremely 'well' to the fact your planned future has been destroyed. And it has, and you can't repair it. You have to give yourself the right to a new future. You should congratulate yourself on your intuitive ability - you say you 'sensed something was wrong' - this experience will teach you to listen earlier to the signals in the future - you say you want for therapy together and I wonder if you could have spotted similar signals of 'unsuitability' then? You certainly will in the future I'm sure The people in this situation who should be feeling shame obviously aren't and without this mechanism being in place anything you do in an effort to try and patch it up will be a waste of time - your main concern may be losing contact with your child? I suggest you put together any evidence you have of their adultery and that you start to regard yourself as a single man with a mission to 'do the right thing'. Go see a counsellor alone, maybe go see a divorce lawyer. Don't let your wife know what you're doing - at the moment she's acting as though she knows you so well she can do anything and you'll just put up with it. Let her believe that for the time being. I think if your wife knows you're planning on leaving she'll put something in place to try and separate you off from your son. You'd be being nieve if you think she's got a conscience and wouldn't do such a thing. You are too emotionally attached to someone who will destroy your life (as she already is doing). It does not matter what your friend's wife thinks of you - she's going to find out soon enough about the situation that led to your 'violence' - although the way it's being played out you could end up being the scapegoat for this - 'his violence pushed me into your husband's arms' blah-blah-blah. Step back and look at the mess and decide to get out of it - you can't control it, no-one could. It's your son's future you've got to think about whilst you also plan for a new life for yourself. Don't waste another second trying to build a 'relationship' with your 'wife'. She doesn't want to relate to you - to her you're a done deal and she's got everything from you she ever needed. Be strong - and in a couple of years time you'll maybe meet someone who deserves your care. I'll say this again because I think you need to hear it: stop punishing yourself for your reactions so far - they're normal and, in fact, really mild. The lady you call 'wife' and the fella you call 'friend' are actively destroying your life and you need to raise barriers to them and move in a different direction. Get yourself out of the situation that's driving you to behave aggressively and stop feeling guilty about it. Make sure you focus on what a great bloke you are and how much you've tried to tolerate their destructive behaviour. Knock the pedestal from under them in that 'idolisation' imagery you've got going on in your head and kick these losers in to touch whilst trying to take care of your son as best you can. I have to say that you come across as 'overly intelligent' (lol) and the problem with high intellectual intelligence is it gives the impression that any situation can be rationalised and controlled - we think if we can 'figure it all out' we can get some kind of plan together and everything will work out eventually and we can come to terms with it. No, we can't. It takes an understanding of emotional patterns (right brain thinking) to understand the right direction to go. Give your intuition via your feelings their due credit. Things you 'suspect', after reflecting on them awhile, are usually true. Finally, take care of yourself and deliberately make yourself more selfish. You're too focused on pleasing other people, especially those who couldn't give a sht about you.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

She sends this text before we meet up.... Posted: 8/29/2008 10:59:23 AM
OP when a woman tells you things like this there's a tendency to think she must be joking and doesn't really mean it - you've learned that when a woman sends those kinds of messages they aren't usually joking. I had a woman emailing me for 6 weeks telling me when we started working together she was going to make my life hell and I'd know who was in charge etc etc - I thought she was joking. Within an hour of getting together with her I realised she wasn't joking and after a 20 second outburst I turned the whole thing on her and she never tried it on again. But you didn't have that option in your situation so what you've got to learn is 'avoidance is better than cure'. You should have walked out without saying a word really - which is easy to say but not that easy to do because you feel like you made a promise and you want to stick to it. Next time you get those kinds of messages do what most ladies would do if a man sent the same kind of message (just imagine how a woman would react if you told her 'sure, you can come out with me and the boys but I will warn you I'm going to lech at other women all night'. Say no more.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

When is it a good time to leave and when is it good to stay? Posted: 8/28/2008 3:47:02 PM
OP what the hell are you doing on a website telling a bunch of strangers how little you think of your wife? You are a traitor to your wife and your children. What you currently have is what most people work towards having. You're acting like an irresponsible spoiled brat. Invite your wife to sign up to PoF, if she isn't already on here, and let her put her side. Your wife does not deserve you, that's for sure. It's not all about you. Talk to your wife; go for counselling and let HER make the decision whether or not she wants to be with YOU. Face up to the reality of having her no longer in your life and stop wasting her time. Stop using the kids as an excuse for your lack of courage. Don't come on here and brag about how little she means to you, oh more worthy one. Do the right thing.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Can you plan for intimacy in a romantic relationship? Posted: 8/26/2008 4:36:10 PM
Thanks for the replies folks. I know my post looks 'negative' but it's not. I find intimacy is such a rare thing to come across in any relationship it stands out when it does. My ex-wife was 'calculatingly intimate' in order to get what she wanted. She gave me the emotional closeness I wanted until she got pregnant and then very quickly told me I wasn't who she thought I was and it was over. I wouldn't leave because I wanted to be a father to my child and she became emotionally distant (I buried myself in work to avoid the pain of it) and then she'd become close again when she wanted another child. I think I just adapted to her behaviour, to be honest (I never expected marriage to be easy) but I noticed the pattern was getting worse and I nagged her, after about 10 years of this, into going to Relate. I couldn't see what was going on but the Relate counsellor had it sussed in 30 minutes and she gave me a few cryptic messages I didn't really pick up on at the time. We booked a second appointment a month later and overnight my ex changed. Suddenly our relationship is brilliant - we're sharing, we're laughing, we're working together etc etc. Comes the day before the appointment with Relate and she talks me into cancelling the meeting. One week later and we're back to the same old distancing again and it dawned on me everything I was experiencing was being callously planned. I don't think you could predict this kind of thing unless you've seen it happen to others or been through it yourself once already so I don't feel guilty about 'not spotting it'. You hope for intimacy and you don't imagine for a minute that someone who wants to have children with you intends not to have intimacy, do you? But not all people want to share their partners ups and downs. My ex had a range of one liners she'd throw at me such as 'don't know, never thought about it' - they'd kill any deep stuff I tried to get into stone dead. I also notice that some folks show a surface layer of the 'mask of intimacy' - for instance they look 'delighted to see you' and ask you how you are blah-de-blah but you discover over time there's another attitude coming through and really there's something else going on there. I find that many people have trouble being truly intimate with their partners - for example they would rather rush to a relative and spill the beans rather than talk to the partner themselves - the paradox being they believe the relationship will end if the discuss the subject with the partner (but end up leaving the partner anyway because they haven't got the guts to tell the partner what they're really feeling). I don't think you can plan for intimacy because it involves someone else allowing it to happen. And there are a lot of people about who regard it as a threat.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Can you plan for intimacy in a romantic relationship? Posted: 8/25/2008 5:43:53 PM
I don't think you can. I have women friends who share their deepest fears and feelings with me but when I suggest they talk to their partners rather than me are horrified by the idea - particularly if the issues are their partners (eg their partner appears to be acting single and hasn't really committed to the relationship). I have a transgender female friend who tells me everything about herself (and I have to say I feel more at ease with gay female friends than straight female friends sometimes) and I also have some really intimate conversations with male friends who open up to me about their feelings too. But the wife I was married to (here it comes) for 13 years, who I had sex with at least a thousand times, and the 4 children I created - nope. Where you'd expect it to be, it wasn't there. So, while I'd ideally like to have a romantic relationship with intimacy - actually I don't think I'd settle for anything else now - I think it's going to be a difficult thing to find because in the dating world, as far as I've seen so far, pretty much everyone regards everyone as rather untrustworthy. Even me. I don't think I trust a blummin one of you. Apart from the folks who I've mentioned above. What type of people are you most intimate with, and do you think you can 'plan' intimacy into a relationship?

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 515 (view)

How can men stop having feelings so quickly? Posted: 8/25/2008 5:28:29 PM
I don't think this is just a 'man' thing - and I think not attaching emotionally is learned behaviour after someone gets hurt one too many times and decides not to keep learning the lesson. Unfortunately some folks learn not to attach at all and regard those who do as manipulatable (is there such a word?) and stupid. I have a series of psychological 'doors' in place now - after I left my wife it took me two years to stop loving her (it helped that she was particularly vindictive in regards to my relating to the kids - which I found strange as she was the one who told me it was over) and another three years before I felt I had my own 'new life'. She was dating other men within two weeks of my leaving. So now I've got mental doors and I don't open them until the evidence is there they're worth opening - I'm not going through that kind of mess again. That doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my feelings - actually I've trained as a counsellor and overcome several phobias etc. It just means I'm a lot more careful how I manage them because there's a heavy price to pay if you don't. At the biological level men find it more difficult to access the feelings stored in their bodies because they only have one small area in the brain that allows them to do this whilst women have a minimum of three such areas and usually more - honest, I saw it in a tv programme on brain scans. Men have to go 'walkabout' or live in a shed at the bottom of the garden to get in touch with their feelings. Why do you think they invented sheds for goodness sake?

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 68 (view)

People who are here only for the forums Posted: 8/25/2008 5:15:41 PM
Eh OP - a lot of local people I've come across (Nottingham UK) never write on the forums but when they meet me they tell me they've read my posts - to all those local PoFers I just want to say 'Hi guys!'. Good night on Saturday at Halo. I use the forums for a variety of things - venting, questioning, supporting others and having a laugh. I'm a writer so I actually use it to warm up my writing muscles - 10 minutes on the forums gets me all loosened up. Yeah, been here toooooo long!

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

what does a guy do to make the womens defence shield to go up Posted: 8/25/2008 4:34:11 PM
Well, this is an old thread but I think it suits what I want to say: this is my pro-anti-sex shield pledge: I Solarpanel promise I will automatically trigger a woman's anti-sexual-predator shield on the basis of no evidence or action or behaviour whatsoever other than the fact I am male and have dared to chat to her. I might as well pledge this because it's what happens anyway so I want to go with the flow. To the lady in the gym who was using the lateral pulldown machine in such a way it would cause her to permanently damage her spine I do apologise for daring to trigger your anti-sexual predator shield by offering to show you how to use it properly. To 'T' and 'B', both of whom suffer with phobias, both of whom I spent half a day preparing training materials for and working out a healing strategy and who after two meetings both pulled out because their 'anti-sexual predator' shields went up (shame on you 'T', because I spent 2 years training you for management and you got promoted on the strength of it and I've never given you a single moment to doubt my integrity - and you stood me up 3 times - and only started speaking to me again after you'd got yourself a new boyfriend and gave me the rundown on how tall he was and how big he was and how ... oh purleez - do you think I'm stupid? Don't answer that) To Janine, a fellow student on a two year full-time course 10 years ago, I just want to say that the reason I phoned you just after the course ended was because THE TUTOR ASKED ME TO (where do you think I got the number from?) - and this turned into a double whammy because not only did you phone the tutor to ask her to ask me to stop 'stalking' you but the tutor then told me she 'didn't think I was like that' and even a year later was asking me about it (pur-leez, tutor, who was it insisted I phone Janine when I said it wasn't a good idea?) - and to top it all off I see Janine in a bank 6 months ago and she goes 'wabbit's eyes in headlights' shocked and her jaw drops open in terror - you stupid woman! And to the ladies who often do the 'wabbit's eyes in headlights' when I so much as dare talk to them uninvited (but think it's OK to come up to you when you've never met them before and give you a 'telling off' as an ice breaker), well to all of you who do this kind of thing: you're rude and insulting and I immediately exclude you from my list of 'people I don't want to know' - I suppose that's the intention though, eh? Just imagine if every time you approached a man for a social chat or some other platonic reason he reacted with a look (or even words) that say 'you can't have me you sex maniac!'. Or he pulled out loads of crap about his g/f or his wife and he wouldn't talk to you as though you were a person until all that was out of the way so he could feel safe in your dangerous presence. I have to put up with this kind of rubbish from you ladies all the time. Something about me: I manage 2000 new women a year in my job; I've been doing it for 11 years. I manage married women and single women and I have never done a single thing that could in any way be construed as sexually predatory (I've actually been approached by a lot of women offering sex on a plate and turned them down). I am highly respected and women in particular tell me so on a regular basis. To all those ladies who treat me as a sexual predator without knowing anything about who I am: you're delusional. Your unconscious emotional responses are not reality and as a result you're insulting to men without even realising it - and if you do realise it you find a way to rationalise it as OK. But I'm probably being delusional by thinking me saying this will have any impact at all, aren't I? That's why I'd never bother saying it to the lady in the gym, T and B and certainly not Janine. Hell I won't even say it to the gay lady in the gym who thought I was after her female partner and subjected me to weeks of jealousy-driven comments. Let's face it, it'd be insulting if I did, wouldn't it? It would be rude. And to the idiot who thought I was after his girlfriend - she's not my type and you're an over-possessive insecure w****r who needs to tell his g/f to stop wearing see through tops and then you might not be glaring at every bloke who passes. I must start acting as though every woman wants me. Do you think I probably have issues I need to address? Only today, I'll be fine tomorrow.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 84 (view)

Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good Posted: 8/25/2008 12:19:52 PM
There's only one thing to remember, ladies and gentlemen: Men Bad, Women Good! There, that's that sorted. OP you just got a baddun. I've met a few baddun's of my own and I've not slept with any of them. I did have sex with one of them but we were married for 13 years so I've forgiven myself for that one. We had four children and after child number 4 she told me my services were no longer required. I've met a few women like her since but I've not got romantically involved with any of them - actually, I pity them because they'll never fully attach in a romantic relationship. Their heads are completely full of BS and they're unwilling to 'surrender' to the risk involved, which is what a true relationship involves. All you have to do is resist becoming as hard-hearted as these types of individuals can cause you to become. You're a beautiful, sensitive woman, OP. Continue as you were but with a more highly tuned radar. Two months is actually enough time to 'fall in love' with someone - I've been 'in love' with someone for about a year but I won't do anything about it because I don't believe we're suited. I trust my mind, not my heart, these days.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Just being friends Posted: 8/25/2008 5:44:34 AM
You say 'I don't want to hang out with you; we're not suited as friends'. That's it, OP. Don't worry about being 'nice'. I tried that - I could see a relationship I was in was going to turn sour eventually and kept trying to end it and she wouldn't have it. I ended it 5 times nicely and she was back after me to 'accompany' her for months and I'd make the mistake of saying yes and that was it we were off again. Each time we got back together I noticed she was becoming a bit ruder and a bit more manipulative so I ended up telling her firmly and she didn't like it but it was done and I got to a point I didn't care if it was 'nice' or not. To be honest, she wasn't very nice. Even her close relatives, who had become my friends, were telling her to stop her strange behaviour. Saw her about a year later and she says 'hi' and expects a long conversation and I just gave her a wave and walked on to the sound of 'is that it?'. End it; you know it makes sense.

Solarpanel

Joined: 3/22/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Should I lie now ??? Posted: 8/25/2008 5:32:00 AM
No OP - you should put what you want to put. I think people who write to others to tell them what they should/shouldn't put are full of BS. There's far too much prejudice in the dating world - most people don't realise that what they're throwing at you is projected from their own personal fears and prejudices and they'll tell you that you're responsible for it. Delusional stuff, so it is. I had two ladies, when I had a really 'honest' profile on another site, write to tell me I needed to change it to be more 'mysterious'. One even wrote with the address of a website where I could get help. Like you I responded that i thought that was called 'lying'. What you find is they are liars who don't like it that others could actually be getting away with being honest. In dating, honesty IS lying, apparently. Just do what you want to do and wait for someone to come along who appreciates you for who you are. Don't make any one issue a 'subject to test people on' ie don't go asking 'how do you feel about my son having Leukemia' as that automatically creates a prejudicial situation - tell them and don't worry about how they feel about it. I had a speed dating session with a lady who challenged all the men on how they felt about the fact she had a paraplegic child in a wheelchair. They were all accused before they even started to talk about themselves as people. It wouldn't bother me at all whether or not a lady had a sick relative - I'd be more interested in her as a person. Very few people seem to get that being straight forward is the best way to be - don't go changing a thing about yourself or your profile on the basis of trying to please others - in fact the only person you should want to please is you.

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