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 Author Thread: Have you found and then lost your soulmate?
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 197 (view)
 
Have you found and then lost your soulmate?
Posted: 11/22/2009 10:54:54 AM

If God gave you the soul mate you are destined for, He would not then take them via death. No matter how you look at it, if the one you want is gone, he/she was not your soul mate.


Sad way to look at it.......and YOU know the mind of God??
In any situation, when it comes to death of the spouse, SO, whatever you choose to call it...........unless the death's are at the same time.....one loses the other to death.

Rachael was the love of Jacob's life, yet she was taken before him.
None of us are promised tomorrow.......or a tomorrow with our loved ones whether they be soulmate, parent, child, etc.
That's why we need to cherish what we have while we have it.
Ray was my soulmate, and ONLY death took him from me. Do I believe there will be another..NO, but I believe I can love again.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Does anyone have the recipe for Earthquake cake?
Posted: 11/21/2009 4:17:23 PM
the same as above...except german chocolate cake mix.prepared as directed. It is awesome.
It can also be made with strawberry cake mix. GOOD STUFF!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Aspartame about to be banned?
Posted: 11/21/2009 3:48:08 PM
Aspartame made my liver function tests go thru the roof.
I had started a diet which limited sugar and simple carbs..so I subsituted Aspartame.
When my liver panel came back all wacked up and I had to go thru the ultrasound..and other tests.
The only thing I was ingesting different was the apartame. Doctors said it wouldn't cause that problem.
I did research and stopped using it. 3 months later all of my liver enzymes were back to normal ...except one. 6 Months later all of them normal. A year later ..all of them normal.
I use truvia when I need a subsitute or occassionally when I have a taste for soda..I drink diet rite which has splenda in it.
Besides the liver problems, my hair had gotten really brittle, I was weak, lethargic, etc.
I treat it as a poison..which it IS!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Gastric Bypass Experiences?
Posted: 11/21/2009 2:47:39 PM
Just bored this evening and cruising threads........but I WANTED to have gastric by-pass. I had gained a tremendous amount of weight on Predizone and Neurontin after a bad car accident. I went from a 12 to a 20 in just a few months and consistently gained about twenty lbs a year.
My husband did not want me to have the surgery because of the dangers. He never once mentioned my weight as making me less attractive. He loved me and always told me to him I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Having said all that, after he died, I lost a few lbs from the stress and then started smoking again on top of that. Bad choice.
Anyway I stumbled onto the Michael Thurman 6 week body make-over. I bought it on eBay cheaper than online.
The first week....which was the hardest to change a lifetime of bad eating habits...... I lost 13lbs. It was easy to follow because everything is laid out for you. I lost 84lbs from February to June. I have lost a total of 103 lbs.........and still need to probably lose another 30.
I have just gotten comfortable with my size............anywhere from 12-16 depending on the clothes. I tend to be one of those women that feel more comfortable with curves. I wear a D cup size even now, so Although still overweight by standards.
I am proportinate.
Unfortunately I paid little attention to the exercise part. I was afraid that if I exercised my thighs would bulk up. They were HUGE and I just didn't do homework. Now I have looser skin in my thighs than I would like, but I am working on it.
I have stayed within ten lbs for the last 2 years.
I eat what I want for the most part ......adding more simple carbs when at a party, family dinner, etc..........and then if I get to the 10 lbs mark.......I back off and eat like I know I should.
I eat mostly chicken, rice, oatmeal, fruits, veggies, eggs, potatoes, yams, white tuna
(although not a big fan), some red meat and pork on occassion.......and M&M's!!
Just a thought..and it worked for me.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Trigeminal Neuralgia
Posted: 11/21/2009 8:44:54 AM
The only thing that took my episodes from almost constant to infrequent was Lamictal. Please ask your doctor. And if you forget to take it, the only side affect I have noticed is a reminder on the side of my face. It is relieved considerably in a few hours after taking my medicine.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 181 (view)
 
Have you found and then lost your soulmate?
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:49:20 PM
It's not about having a voice... it's about the arrogance of some people who go on to assume that anyone who doesn't believe in the concept of soulmates or who had different experiences than they did is "missing out on something special ".


I don't think ANYONE intended it to be arrogant......We all have or believe in different concepts of what we would consider a soulmate.

I have been married/ divorced before I met my late husband. I LOVED the first man, but it was never the SOULMATE kind of relationship.
Ray and I , on the other hand were so close we meshed.
I also agree with person (168) that said basically if you can walk away from each other, then you were never really soulmates.
To have given up on the relationship for any reason, and or to put anything or anyone else before our relationship was not anything we ever even considered. I know I would have rather been dead to ever walk away from him,and only his death took him from me. Even his last words were that he could be without his baby.
I think this has very little to do with the fact that " widows/widowers may have a different take on it than you or anyone else.
I loved peanut butter,,,,,,,,,,,,until I tasted T-bone steak.
I still say..and may get bashed,,,,,,,,,,,but don't care.........that it is sad if one has never truly encountered a soulmate.
My marriage was one of the very small percentages of people that were really perfect for each........not perfect people...perfect match.

Does that make me arrogant..........NO, THAT MAKES ME THANKFUL!!!!!!!

Oh, and i still believe in Santa Claus. It is not the " man" but his spirit of giving that lives on!!!!!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 165 (view)
 
Have you found and then lost your soulmate?
Posted: 11/19/2009 5:06:12 PM

I don't think that I agree with you on this but it does not matter . I found mine and was very happy untill he died . At first when he departed I was a wreck lost 50 lbs. in 2 months, and a strong wind could blow me over. Others do not believe in love at first site I do however, that was what I felt for him, and him me. It was like we had known each other all of our lives we could talk about anything right from the start. It has been 4 years since his death and I am still living and very much like my life now but still miss him terribly. We were complete in each other, and at first I felt as if I died too all that was left was half of a heart and felt as though someone was standing on the other half. Most people never find theirs and settle for less, that is why there is so many divorces. We never once separated , we always went to sleep with a kiss, and everyone around us could see the love that we shared. I also believe there is but one soulmate so I search no more, I like the idea however of being able to find a man that I can respect admire, and love to some degree but never like that again , no two loves are alike. I hope someday that you will find yours and then you could share in my belief and in my total happiness and fulfillment.


I could have written this .......all but a few minute details.
Those that think a soulmate is a myth...have obviously never experienced one!!!!! SO sad!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 107 (view)
 
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 11/19/2009 5:02:57 PM

I have observed very happy and loving relationships and what I saw was that It’s not usually the case that a person who feels Real Love from their partner, who’s intellectual and emotional needs are being met out of nowhere just takes part in an extramarital affair. It is more than likely that the person is usually unfaithful because he/she is not happy with the condition of their current relationship, and therefore tries to distract himself/herself with the infidelity to experience some level of intimacy, seemingly new emotions that were once there with their original partner.


And rather than work on it, admit, or "give'.............the person goes and finds someone to do this while still banging the one at home???????
Nah
If the relationship is bad enough to step out of it for indiscrimate sex with someone else........
i would not want to be the wife or lover of such a person.
If my husband EVER left my bed for someone else....he would have her...End of story.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 67 (view)
 
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/16/2009 11:00:26 AM

We are not a large group, but there ARE people whose apparently defective selection process caused them to choose partners who died untimely


True, and even though I may have initially joined the site out of curiosity, the feeling of the places to meet men at my age was severely limited, for interaction with others maybe in a like situation,etc.
I have found the reason I stay has Nothing to do with dating or wanting to find someone else.
I was not successful in my first attempt at trying a relationship.
Being soooooooooo naive at the time, I guess I had been so sheltered I didn't realize there could be so much " throw away society mentality" out there.
I enjoy the forums, enjoy the friends I have met, emailed, cried with, laughed with , etc........
The forums really are addictive,,,,,,,,but O.L.D. is a little too scary for me in light of the things I have seen and heard since I been here. It may change, but for now I am l loving the idea of finally learning to be content single or otherwise.
I had such a love affair with my late husband, I guess I foolishly thought that having that kind of experience would make it easier to find a person interested in not playing games, but truly searching for a life partner. Alas is not the case!
Many widows/widowers have become targets and cause for a challenge to others without the consideration of anyone's feelings but their own.
I never dreamed there would be such a stigma to having had a successful relationship.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1390 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/16/2009 10:09:49 AM
[In other words it's ill-advised to suggest one end a relationship under the assumption they will find a better one. In most cases the choice is not between the present partner and a better partner. The choice is between the present partner and having no partner for an extended length of time.


I can't imagine that it would be better to stay in a relationship that causes you constant pain, insecurities, mistrust.

It is never EASY to end a relationship where any feelings at all are involved.....but anytime a relationship hurts more than it makes you happy, anytime you feel as if you are the only one wanting it to work, you are giving so much more than you are getting, etc. It is just a matter of time before it dies a painful death...and drug out.
Maybe it is just me, but I would much rather have the band-aid ripped off fast versus the slow pain and burning.
I think everyone, even players must at sometime in their quiet hours regret things that they have done to harm another emotionally or otherwise. Being sorry does not always change the behavior...some just can't or won't put forth the effort.......or admit their part in it................and it is ultimately kinder to let the person go than continue to " abuse" the relationship.

I think EVERYONE in some aspects are looking for the one they can't live without, the spark, etc.
Then there are those of us that have had the spark, the one we can't or feel we can't live without. If we are blessed, it settles into not just the spark and infatuation stage, but into REAL, totally committed love affair that even death cannot change the feelings.
My late husband and I did not have an affair that started with the fireworks, etc. We were friends for several years before we became really involved. We knew each other inside and out, deep respect, consideration for each other......and all the other things that cemented the foundation laid for twenty of the most awesome years two people ever shared. It started as a slow ember and as the song says " the fire went wild!!"
I will NOT, after I have experienced that type of love, settle for someone that chooses to give me the scraps of his life.
I don't compare anyone, but I do know the difference between being in a relationship, friendship or otherwise that is one-sided and more detrimental to me than positive.
One must give and take and put the other first ( antiquated concept , though it may be).
Forgiving is not the issue to many...most have forgiven , and forgiven and forgiven.
To alot of people that just gives them the license to continue to abuse your good faith and love.
Every situation is different, but no one should be in a relationship that cause constant pain and confusion in their life.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Trigeminal Neuralgia
Posted: 11/14/2009 11:41:36 AM
I have had TN since a car accident in 1995. During an episode,it is said to be the most excutiating pain known to man. There is no cure for it. There is a procedure that is basically a magnetic surgery.but the risk is that it can leave your face numb or paralized on one side.
MRI's do NOT detect it,
I am on Lamictal, 400 mg a day which helps tremendously. The problem is one never knows when it will happen.
It can mimic a heart atteck in some ways.in the fact that if you have further nerve damage on the left side.it will exacerbate the other.
My eyes water, flinch, and I have terible headache.
It can also make you feel off balance.
It is like everything else, too little knowlegde and therefore too little help for it.
I am over 50 now, but it actually happened to me when I was thirty nine. Mine was a result of trauma from the accident. I also had a tens unit for the left sided nerve damage, but it done absolutely nothing to address my TN.
Good luck.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 342 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/11/2009 12:04:02 AM
LOL.......I know what you are saying.,,,, but My dogs, my guns,my security system, my room-mate ( Army Master Sargeant...son.) and I don't have a problem with it!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 340 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:48:56 PM

I have always felt that way, I want to be able to take care of my woman and do nice things for her, not because it's really required but I want my woman to want for nothing. The way things have be for me personally i would not want to drag someone I care about down that road with me why should we both suffer? So I would rather stay single and struggle to survive than have a woman at my side struggling with me, that just makes the weight on my shoulders unbearable.


I didn't read the whole thread, but this caught my eye. First time I was married was to a VERY rich man. He bought me everything he thought would impress someone else.
I was " told" how fortunate I was to have such a great provider.yaduh yaduh. The only thing that man loved was himself and his ego.

My late husband , on the other hand, was I guess a cross between blue collar and white collar. He was Firestones President three terms, but he had spent his fair time in the factory. He was a Labor laison Counsel for United Way, former AAA ballplayer, and 12 year veteran of Air Force.

He got NOTHING handed to him, he worked very hard.........and he deserved to spoil himself, but at the end of the day.........for him it was always all about me. I guess we were just fortunate that for me, it was all about him.
Money doesn't buy any kind of happiness...but the ATTITUDE that this man has towards his " lady". Yeah....that's awesome!!
It was new to me because of my first marriage and being treated as a possession.......so when Ray came along and showed me what it felt like to be loved, protected, cherished , etc ..........YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also worked most of the time, but he believed it was a man's place to provide.
I know in today's economy that is not feasable, but this love game has gotten to where there is so much one upmanship, comparing $$$, etc.
I WILL always, always be grateful for the experience I had in my last marriage!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1385 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:26:56 PM
I have been on both sides of this fence...and second chances CAN work...but the % is not good.

I had a wonderful marriage for over twenty ears.
The man I had my first half hearted relationship with 18 months after my husband died...put me thru literal hell. I was so vulnerable that he zeroed in on it. Confusion is not even enough to describe it. In the space of year and half we tried it MANY times.

Finally I took jarbarian2's advice to heart. I still think about him sometimes, but I am not stupid enough to go back or be pulled back into it. I have a peace now....... all that friction was eating me up. My husband was the easiest man I ever knew to be with. That " whatever you call it" kept me in constant turmoil. Then at the end I found out he was married!!

I am taking the " me" time now......and it works for me. I have no intention of getting involved with ANYONE..until I feel ready. It is not an excuse...because I could have told my kids, friends, etc to back off....( in their mind, if I found someone else, I wouldn't miss my husband so much) but I didn't and I let myself be pushed into a relationship I wasn't ready for......It almost destroyed me!! I had to give myself my own timetable to heal... not theirs. There is no doubt in my mind I am able to have a wonderful relationship now because I have come to terms with the " ghosts" of my past. But it will be when I feel I WANT to go there....NOT UNTIL!!

I get mail all the time telling me they are different. Honestly I don't care WHAT they are!! It is MY time!!

AS for throwing away a relationship and having to go thru another year to find someone else???? If the realtionship don't work.why stay in the mess??

Situation like the one the man above described is totally different. She evidently was not hanging up on him blocking his emails, etc.

The hurt was there but not so much that it could not be repaired...........and THE JURY IS STILL OUT ON THAT ONE!!
I pray that they Make it this time...but 2 months.they are still in the " honeymoon" stage of getting back together!!
I think the OP in this thread is still dead ON!!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Content vs. happy
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:37:58 PM

Choice #1. I tried it, and it doesn't work for me.
Choice #2. I tried it too, it was as good as it gets, it ended and I survived.

Since choice # 2 is not readily available upon request and may or may not manifest itself again in my lifetime, and because I 'm not in any mood to ever settle again for choice #1, I hung my search hat for the time being. Content carries a half-a$$ connotation , a yes-but meaning, and a watered down taste that I don't suffer gladly. Time will show.


LOL...I was getting ready to write my answer to the questions........but dang if you didn't answer them for me!!!!!!!!!! EXACTLY

 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Do You Ever Feel Like Your Shopping on POF?
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:24:18 PM
Just Clearance and returns!!



How true!!! LOL..........and if I change my picture, they come out of the woodwork.never mind that I told them last week, thanks but no thanks!!
Thank God for the forums!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 110 (view)
 
Would you date a cheater
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:23:53 PM
they are to be pitied and if you love them, forgiven..



Forgiven , maybe........ but won't still be in my life\\\\\ but...... " pitied" H E LL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If they have cheated in the past, saw the error of their ways, changed, bulit character from a mistake , learned from , etc................YES, I would take a chance and date them.

I am taiking about dating a " former cheater"...not an habitual one....and certainly not on MY TIME!!!!!!!!!

But to pity them, for what??? They screwed up, they pay the price..whatever it might be........

I told my first husband, that if I ever found out, even ten years after he cheated even once on ME, his shyte would be in the street, on fire fast enough to make your head swim!!

He NEVER DID cheat on me, it was just how I approached the subject when brought up!! I don't know anyone else's circumstances, what the whole truth may be, what caused the excuse for the infidelity.......usually is never a good one...........but I knew our circumstances. We got into the discussion over a neighbor.


 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Confused about my decisions
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:26:01 AM
In my first marriage, I got all the things I thought a woman could ever want. He was
successful ........actually a literal millionaire. We lived in a 5000 sft house, inground pool, ten acres, horses, vacations, etc. I thought when we had children our life would be complete. It was a fairy tale I only dreamed of. I was the one that gave all the huge family parties, envied by my friends, etc.
It was a nightmare. He was jealous and controlling almost immediately after the wedding rings were exchanged. When I had our first child, he threw tantrums of rage because to him I spent too much time caring for our child.
He physically and emotionally abused me to the point I had no more tears in me. I was numb. I left when my son was seven months old, found out I was pregnant with our second child and went home. He had followed me around crying and begging to give him another chance.
I stayed until my daughter was almost four months old. He NEVER changed, only became more abusive because he figured I had no where else to go.
I had to have the sheriff come and help me leave because he would not " allow it". Even then he tried to hold on to the children to make me stay. The sheriff finally talked him into giving them to me.
I walked out, two kids, two carseats and what I could get in the back of a Toyota.
I signed everything we had over to him. I told him " Keep it, you need it worse than I do..I am a better man than you, and I'll prove it to you."

I had to move to probably the worse part of town, a run down house with mice and rats until I got rid of them, hand me down furniture, I ate a lot of water gravy and bread to make sure my children had what they needed.
He turned most of his assets over to his parents to keep from paying anymore child support. He hid the rest. I recieved thirty -five a week for two children from a man that had a net worth of over 2 milion !!! He was and still is a snake.
He followed me around for years and even tried several times to take my children from me legally.

My late husband was not a rich man even though he was very successful in life. He had wonderful friends, he had been in the Air Force twelve years, President of Firestone Union for three terms, and very civic minded....served on many boards...still we lived a very modest lifestyle. His wealth was in the love of his wife , friends, community and his God.
I was happier than a person has right to be!!!!!!!

I couldn't care less if a man I love picks up aluminum cans for a living as long as he treats me like I am his world.
The rest is fluff!!!!!!!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 99 (view)
 
Would you date a cheater
Posted: 10/24/2009 7:48:27 AM
< sorry, it had doubled posted....I still make mistakes...GOD forbid!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 98 (view)
 
Would you date a cheater
Posted: 10/24/2009 7:48:04 AM
I see cheaters as nothing more than selfish people who care only for their needs. It takes character to be strong and true. No excuse for cheating in this pigs books.


I abhor serial cheater.......and really find no excuse for cheating, however their was no excuse for many things I done in my life.......before.
I got so drunk once in my younger days that I hit a train, it didn't move and I backed up and hit it again. I have T-Peeded houses with kids in my teens, called my mother a B*tch ( only once.....she knocked me from living room into dining area......LOL....I never even THOUGHT that of her again), dated three or four different men at the same time and thought it made me "cool" to keep it from each.........long before I was married ( and no, I was not having sex with any of them), I smoked pot once,
I mean the list goes on and on. A LOT of things I done when I was younger was to be in with my peers.
I don't drink, I respected my mother with all my heart, especially once I became a mother, I don't play games with people's emotions on any level, I don't do any kind of drugs. I love very deeply whether it be my SO or my friends. I have friends that would walk thru fire for me, and I them.
In other words I GREW UP!!!
I am true to myself, but all people change in their lives. We are constantly learning and growing. If I hurt someone and I know it, I do my best to rectify the situation. \
I am stubborn, bullheaded, opinionated, and fierce about what I believe is right or wrong for MY LIFE, and who I am. But, I don't believe once a person is one thing, they will always be.
My late husband had a terrible marriage, as did I. We did not carry those things into ours.......and I spent over twenty years with the most wonderful man I have ever known.
Some of the stories he told me about when he was younger, his past marriage, I would have never in a million years attributed that to him. He never once treated me like I was less than what made him get up in the morning. I have albums of love notes he wrote to me over the years.
His ex said he never ever treated her that way. Of course I never through hot coffee on him, never downed him to make myself look bigger, never tried to turn his children against him, or used him, etc.
Everybody can change and many do.
Life experience "s BUILD character, and mine is much better than it was when I was selfishly unaware that my actions were hurting the people I loved so much.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 93 (view)
 
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 10/16/2009 7:59:32 AM
Right or wrong, if HE married her and she became a part of their family unit.........what they done or how they got there should not reflect any more on her than him. I deplore cheaters, but if my brother had a wife, I owe it to him to treat her with as much respect as him. If I have no respect for either of them, they would not be in my life. If she makes him happy.then be happy for them. No one really knows what goes on behind " closed doors".
If he is not judging you on something he feels you done wrong in your life...what business is it of yours to judge him?
I know a couple that the family never did accept her, always blamed her for the break-up of the marriages..........and yet both were involved. That same couple has been married over twenty years, act like each other are what they were looking for all their life and are genuinely happy.
The people that down them tend to forget that the other spouses cheated as well..........and there was absolutely no intimacy in either marriage for a loooooooong time. It is their HAPPINESS that pisses everybody off!!
Every case is different. Some may have started off wrong, but the outcome was that there was never anything more right! In both cases.the " left" spouse is now in a good marriage as well. The only thing left between them was their children. They had come to the point of almost " hate" in the former marriages.
Every situation is different.
Something like this, where still wrong....is a far cry from the man or woman that is having sex on the side just for the sex, and still bonking it with his or her spouse.
It takes two and chances are even if the couple end up together and happy together.they will still carry the regret of how it happened. That is judgement enough.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:49:18 PM

A "cheater" in my view is one who has a pattern of infidelity in their lives and relationships, not just in their marriages.

A person who has cheated is not necessarily a cheater but has been driven by circumstances in which they lost their sense of control over their actions or acted in ways contrary to their moral beliefs and standards.

The former are usually NOT able to be reformed and they generally are cheaters by nature. They like to see what they can get away with in life, it translates into many things, not just having sex with illicit partners.

The latter are not cheaters but people who've exercised very bad judgment due to circumstances they struggled with or decisions they failed to make that caused them to act in ways contrary to their natures.

I think I was just a bit redundant but you get the general idea.


I agree 100%

I don't think " serial cheaters " reform.because for the most part their morals and values have been " seared'.......

...but I have seen at least twice two really good men that had cheated in previous relationships or marriage and had 100% fathfullness with the right partner. One married the one he cheated on ex with ( waited til children were out of the house) and the other married someone else other than the one he cheated on.
Both very remorseful..even now make no excuse about their selfishness and hurt they put someone else through............but are happy and except that THEY admit to have being unfaithful in a previous relationship..you would never ever guess it.
SOME do reform.............I think most don't. Mainly it depends on how much you learn from your mistakes,and make a change. Someone that sees no wrong in cheating and as a way to get thrills without getting caught is a whole different ball game than the person who is just flirting around and then honestly falls in love with someone else.
The proper thing to do is leave the first relationship. Some do , some don't........
But all people can and do change!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Would you date a cheater
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:12:49 PM
I don't like cheaters at all.and am actually quite vigorous about that opinion, but I would and have dated a FORMER cheater.
I knew the circumstances up close and personal. I knew that the wife and husband both cheated at different times throughout the entire marriage. There home life was a train wreck.
Ironically, both , having gotten out of that mess..........never cheated again on their new spouses.
I think all cases have to be looked at not as a whole, but the different circumstances.
I would not be interested in a serial cheater, but people do change. Granted not very often, but there are circumstances in life that change all of us.
I am a widow and do not have the same feelings this year about my situation as I would have last tyear. People can grow up at any age, and some actually get cheated on, feel they deserved it, now clean slate..........and no more cheating.
I know this is not the norm, but I have seen many a good man .........and woman get out of a bad marriage and go on to have a very good life with someone else, and be 100% faithful.
I think former relationship should be stopped before involving someone else..but not always are.

I would not judge by what someone else tells me about them, but only after I have heard the story first hand from the one accused. Morals and values also change.
What I maybe thought was ok in my much younger days, I would not think so now, and would probably be appalled at much of it. We all go through stupid times in our lives ( not neccessarily cheating) but things we wish we could do over, .........some of us learn and grow, ......some of us make excuses and stay in the pit.
One on one basis to decide!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Books that helped you on your weight loss journey....
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:20:09 PM
I lost a tremendous amount of weight two years ago with the Michael Thurman 6 week body makeover. I have stayed within ten lbs of weight loss since then. It is not for everybody, but the only thing ever worked for me. I had gained so much weight on Pedizone that I looked like a pumpkin. I went from a 24 to a 14-16.
I have played with the last thirty lbs for too long....and have finally started to get serious again. It is a fantastic program.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 10/11/2009 3:08:51 PM
have memories of my husband that i can't bring my self to put away .
he died in 07from a ashama atack married 7 years.
his dad called me a few months latter telling me how i should sale our bed its a king size.
then he starts i on saleing his truck he always worked on hobbie truck i called it 78 dodge long bed nice truck. he wanted me to sale mower tiller things like that
no way could i do it
i told his dad i did but did not just so he would stop asking me to sale his things
i gave his his son's some things and his daughter some things
is that wrong of me to hold on to my memories?


Those things and memories are totally different than the one's discussed here. YOU cannot let go of those things until YOU are ready.
But if you are on a dating site with the intention of meeting a man to have a relationship with...then they should not be thrown in his face.

I am a widow and I had the most wonderful husband. Little by little I gave away or disposed of his things as my comfort level matured. I have a few boxes of mementos from over twenty years together in the garage, a picture of him and my daughter-in-law dancing at her wedding on my dresser, and a small picture of the two of us on my desk. My late husband is not a threat to any new love.

When and if I have another serious relationship that leads to marriage ( I don't do co-habitation).........I will leave them packed away in a box or give them to his children.
The OP is totally different........... I can't believe she has put up with you S****** for this long.
If my SO that professed to love me, etc and still felt the need to have a picture of his ex in his wallet, and notes in his nightstand of a past love...he would be with that PAST love or someone else. You are screwing with her mind and emotions. She doesn't throw her past in your face and if she doesn't want to talk about it, it is her choice. Her life before you was just that...before you.
You may win this battle with her, but ultimately lose the war. If her feelings do not concern you to the point of wanting her to know she is your " only" , then if I was her..I would walk. You would be left very happy with your wallet and nightstand full of memories..........and I would be off to find a man that put my feelings first !
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 169 (view)
 
I miss him
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:19:19 AM
I thought I missed him for a while. The deep cut in my heart has left a scar. But, I realize NOW what I miss it what he took FROM me.
It was almost two years after my husband died to even consider dating. He TOOK my trust, my hope. He took all of the excitement I felt about re-entering the dating world......he TOOK my innocence of believing in fairytale romance. Naive, I know, but I lived that with my husband and knew I was open to love again.
He CRASHED my world around me for a long time and sent me back to the darkness of feeling so alone like I felt when I lost my husband. ...sent me back into my shell.
He LAUGHED at the vulnerability of all women that were wounded. His took from me all the respect I gave him. He TOOK my judgement away from me for a while. He TOOK my belief in the basic honesty of all people.
But he GAVE me a new found STRENGTH in myself. He GAVE me the ability to look beyond my pain, and see the traits of those that prey upon the hurt. He GAVE me the RESOLVE to say........" hey, if you can't treat me right".........take a walk.
He GAVE me the CONFIDENCE back in myself to see myself the way others see me, and KNOW that he lives a pitiful existence as a user. He GAVE me back the WONDERFUL memories of Love I shared with my husband. .......Blinded by grief in some ways I had concentrated on the pain of losing him more than the love we shared.
He GAVE me back a new day in my life.
Sometimes a tear still falls, not for him, but for the hurt of being betrayed.
I realize that all people play a part in our life, and the determination to go on......has helped me climb yet another MOUNTAIN!!
He OPENED my heart to love again....and for a while made me SMILE.............I can't be sorry for that.!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
implication of lack of interest?
Posted: 10/9/2009 7:16:27 PM

I realised that as soon as I start doing what "I think" other would like to hear or see me do, I have sold myself out and nothing I do from that point on will be 100% me. And when I'm not being 100% me, I will never feel complete, even if it gets me what I wanted so bad. The joy of having it will never be as fulfilling as it should be.


That's GOOD !!!!!!!!.......and exactly how I FEEL!!!

 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1373 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 9:53:39 AM
Yeah, UNFAITHFUL would have DONE it for me!!

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! You have the right to be happy without worrying about someone doing THAT to you again.
That would always be a dealbreaker for me!
Be happy!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1369 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:39:46 AM
I agree with Dave. If you both made mistakes, and you both know that, then what is a few months??
The only thing that would stop me is IF there had been someone else on either side in the mix.
Many people can get past that. ..........i don't think I ever could. I always felt like when the bond of fidelity is broken..there is no fixing the relationship. That ,however is just me, and these forums alone show how often men and women are open to forgiving infidelity as a " mistake".
If you feel your life is much better with him in it...and you love him...go for it. If it is just because it is " familiar"........I would pass.
Blessings to you
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1455 (view)
 
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:30:23 PM

just a relationship

People with honor and integrity do NOT cheat because it is "just a relationship". With dating one cannot expect a person to be committed to that, but in a defined realtionship...I would think so. I would not be interested in being the " other party" if my SO were not on the same page
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 316 (view)
 
Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/4/2009 3:36:57 PM

The fact is many women are drawn to the bad boy and have no intrest in nice guys as much as they tell themselves that is what they want, they instintively go for the opposite. Go see a shrink and find out why you instinctively go for the wrong man.


I don't think that is true at all. A lot of women ARE drawn to the bad boy, but most by my age are tired of the bad boys, the little boys that somehow never grew up. WE are no longer into the tantrums, the silent treatment when they don't get their way, irrational accusations, etc.
WHAT happened to me was the bad boy learning how to imitate the nice guy just long enough to get close to me, and bringing it back each time he thought I would walk out.. Had I not been a fairly new widow and still emotionally raw.....I would have seen all of his junk for what it was. I would not have given him the time of day.
That is not how they work........I would have respect for the man that is upfront about who he is. I have no respect for the creeps that play a facade.
They zero in on someone they know is vulnerable, tender-hearted, and broken emotionally for some reason.
NOT all women continue in these kinds of abusive relationships, nor do all women choose this sort of man. Some things are very " situational".
BUT, once you are involved, you are constantly looking for the man he portrayed himself to be, .............and because you are emotionally raw and know it, when the blame game starts, you are easy to manipulate.

It is a HELL to be caught in this kind of situation. Even when you realize it, and leave it, the hurt lingers for a long time. For me the belief that a person could knowingly do those things to another person in the name of love..........I know I was naive.....but it still floors me.
Maybe before it happened to me , and I found out how easily a person can be sucked in and conned, I would have felt the way you do. \
Whole different ballgame now that I have walked in those shoes.
No contact is the only thing worked for me. After a few months, I couldn't even remember what he looked like. I had destroyed all the pictures, emails, etc.
His abusive nature is his alone, he owns it, and I AM drawn to the nice guys. I may pass some up nowadays that may be sincere, but having any red flags at all, I PASS!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 122 (view)
 
How did you lose your first love?
Posted: 10/3/2009 6:54:41 PM
I was engaged to him for several months before my oldest brother beat him up after I came home really late. My brother made me return the ring. I was the only girl.
My four brothers were mean to me, but very protective of anyone else around me...go figure.
We didn't break up right then, but things were never the same......just drifted apart.
My daughter ended up being born on his birthday.
He called me almost nine years later, not long after the divorce from my first husband. Seems he knew all the time where I lived, what I drove, about so many things I never had a clue. I blame my brother for beating him up, but I guess then I was just naive enough to believe if he REALLY loved me, nothing would have broken us up.
We had dinner and some drinks ....it was like clearing the air........then I never saw him again.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 309 (view)
 
Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/2/2009 6:19:39 PM
I agree!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 454 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/17/2009 8:11:39 PM
been there,first marriage..........very young and very STUPID.......and first relationship after Ray died, ( I was like walking dead with " wounded prey" written all over me),,,,,,got the T-shirt.....,,, but not in the habit of staying in ANY bad situation, so I can't really comment on them. Once the abuse became a given,,,,,,,,, I got the h*LL out as soon as I could and never looked back. Even walked away from literally millions$$$$$ to do so.
Your explanation ie, of where you are in your relationship is a far cry from what it appears at the beginning. The two C's.........still involve you......and her. Tough call...but I will NEVER believe CHEATING is the answer!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 451 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:21:53 PM
Ichi-bon
you asked the question "How do all of these cheaters feel about being cheated on??" I would like to answer that from my own personal point of view. If my wife cheated on me I would then be happy. The reason I would be happy is, because then I would know I was doing something wrong. Once I knew it was me I could do something to correct the problem.


And I can't imagine the sense to that scenario. I have never been in that situation...married, or otherwise. I have been in the situation where I dated a man for over four years, constant battle of the wills. He got angry, told me to go find a nice guy.

Three weeks later I was married. The first guy always believed.....we have since talked about it.......because we are friends now, that I must have had the guy on the side. I didn't even know him when we had the fight!!..............He came 'round a week before the wedding.......needless to say he was shocked that I wasn't pining away and ready to reconcile...............,but I followed thru with my plans.
Something in that last fight done it for me. I had met the other man at a garage sale two days after our last fight........, started dating ( actually his kids, my kids and me)........and I married him when he asked.
POINT BEING.......if I ever got to the point of cheating......or looking elsewhere, whatever the case may be............there would be NO WAY the man I left could correct the situation. Having got to that point, of even considering it............I would be done!!
I understand the concept of your questions all too well. They are games along the line of railroad crossing look out for the cars, can you spell THAT without any R's.
Trying to find justification for cheating will alwys be found when one wants to. WHY make EXCUSES???
If you are gonna cheat, have you got wifey's permission.? Or are you still being the nice guy the neighbors think you are,at home degrading her because she has been hurt and then blaming her for YOUR actions???
Forums are great if you only want to give one side.
I can sit here and say I had every excuse to cheat...at middle forties, husband incapcitated sexually, etc.
It is not a reason...It would have been an EXCUSE..........and we all know excuses are like*****, we all have one.


Is it acceptable to force your wants or desires or needs onto another person? (By "force" I mean getting somebody to do what they do not wish to do either by talking them into it by being so persistent that they give in or what everybody knows physically)


I would say that if a marriage, partnership, or whatever is so BAD that this has to happen.............why would you want interaction from that other person? Why would you beg??
I don't think it is right..I would not like to be on the receiving end of either side. I was married to " old school"..and there were certain things he was not comfortable with...but told me many times he would be happy to do them if I wanted because he loved me more than life..and wanted me to be happy". I never ONCE asked him.........and I can honestly say I never missed it. I loved that man with everything in me. I didn't even miss it. AGAIN, the love, respect, and caring I had for him, and he for me...................far surpassed anything else.
I would have NEVER felt right even if he had gone ahead and attempted it. I don't want something, anything THAT way. If it was like that for me in any situation........I would be gone...end of story. Why stay with someone you have to beg.???
Why cheat???? Just get the H*** out and find what you want for your life!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 440 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/17/2009 12:26:00 PM
starve a tiger long enough and it's going to get loose and eat the first thing it brings down...just like stealing is just a word when you haven't eaten in a week. Many people who get cheated on probably were setting a trap in the first place because they didn't have the guts to work toward fixing things or breaking it off.


I am thinking that if there are two people involved, then both are starving!!
Thats like wanting a good breakfast ........having eggs and bacon, one has the eggs, one the bacon, neither will settle for less, so they both go without because of stubborness.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THIS SCENARIO!! what made you choose her in the first place??? Selfishness, and" whaaa, I need my own way" is usually what keeps people from working thru problems.
If you feel deceived, OMG, just imagine how she feels!!
Any man that even acted like he would take a lover because of problems in our relationship....would have that lover.....and be out of my face!!
Who in the H*ll wants to be in a fox hole with someone that you are afraid can shoot you at anytime!!
I am so sick of all the excuses......why get married in the first place if you don't have the honesty, the constitution, the decency, morals......etc to uphold the words you promised!!
Have the balls to pack up and leave your little worldly possessions that mean so much to you.....and continue to think and feel with the smaller head!!
Men and women cheat for different reasons according to the forums.....but all is BULL..........CHEATING IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do all of these cheaters feel about being cheated on??
I approached my neighbor about this subject a few days ago. He had cheated in his first marriage. First time she caught him, she swallowed a bottle of aspirin. Second time she told the woman she could have him. After that the cheated on wife went out running around. Neighbor told me THAT almost destroyed HIM!! ( I can't even IMAGINE the HURT that drove her to that!!) You think she ever got over that treatment??? doubtful!!
Then his second wife, which he refers to as the love of his life...cheated on him repeatedly. WHAT GOES AROUND comes around..but how many innocent people.including those that are lied to by married creeps ( male or female) that
" forget" to tell the new "chase"....that they are married or involved. Cheating is LOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 437 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/17/2009 9:57:23 AM
Well I am glad you are NOT looking for approval...none here.

I think the intimacy has to be there to have GREAT sex !
You can also have great intimacy with someone without the SEX!. My late husband was unable to have sex for 4-5 years before he died. It has been 3 1/2 since he died.
I never felt like the intimacy was lost while he was alive. .
Your question is loaded...........because a person can go indefinitely without intimacy.
Also, if you are not getting it at home..and using that as an excuse to cheat, and SHE
is not cheating....then how long has it been since you had sex with her......and you answered your own question. HOW LONG HAS SHE WENT??
If she is denying you, and you use that as an excuse....what did you do to trample her faith and love in you...to cause her to turn away??

AN EXCUSE IS NOT A REASON!!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
A gentleman confused for being a sexual morsel
Posted: 9/16/2009 5:47:26 PM

was taught the following. and i have a daughter and a son. and when i am back home i teach then the same:

you always open a car door for a woman. you hold her coat when she takes it off or puts it on. you let her sit down first and you stand up when she comes too or walks away from the table. you make her plate for her and let her take the first bite of every meal. you let her order first and for herself at a resturant and you pull out and you push in her chair. you let her have control of the radio and tv or what movie you go see. if you are out and its cold and you have a jacket and she dont you give her yours. you never ever kiss and tell. you always treat a lady like a lady, even if she is the biggest whore on te block. you never talk down to or bad about a woman. you never raise your voice at her and you NEVER EVER EVER HIT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you light her ciggerette for her.
when it comes to sex. her pleasure is first. you let her initate. you let her have the postions and do what she wants and let her guide you for her pleasure is first and ultimate.
the problem i have encounted in and out of the bedroom is women tell me because you are a gentlman there is somthing lacking in sex. but when i have been intimate with a woman and have treated them this way, they always call me back. I dont know why i am not that good looking or not that great.
the fact is women think gentelamn means pushover most of the time. they dont realize its respect.


I had a wonderful husband from Alabama that was taught the same way.
It is AWESOME to be treated with love and respect.
Also, this poster is an online friend, I am thrilled he has found a lady that appreciates it!!!
Any woman that has a man that treats a woman with love and respect, in my opinion is a d**** fool to let him go!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 413 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/15/2009 9:11:49 PM
tell me, what's the cost of peace and contentment?


I fell out of love with my first husband after years of physical and emotional abuse.
It was not because of cheating.........although after years of this.......when he would approach me, I would tell him to go look elsewhere, anywhere. He would get p*ss ass drunk and think I was gonna have sex with him. He disgusted me. I don't mind being poked, but I be danged if I am gonna be jabbed.
It was not because I had no interest in sex....it was because I had NO interest in sex with a man that thought treating me bad outside of the bedroom was OK. Also at the time I told him, I was on my way out. I left a five thousand square feet house, 10 acres, Inground pool, 18 stall horse ball with horses, etc, etc. Told him to keep it, he needed worse than I did.
I didn't even fight for my share of any of it. I signed a release to let him have everything but my children.
I went to live on the worse side of town, terrible house that took me several years to renovate.........even had rats at first, BUT I was so happy to get away from him.

The price of peace and contentment..........there isn't one. No amount of money or things can bring that to you.

He followed me around crying and begging for two years. He would call in the middle of the night and asked me what I would do if he got another woman. OMG........we are divorced!! He is NOW so sorry for how bad he treated me.........RIGHT!!!!
So my answer was if he found another woman,.I would flip her a quarter and tell her to go find a good piece!!
I am sure there are many stories that are factual, but then there are an awful lot of CHEATING spouses fabricating things.............or simply denying their role in how the other person has changed.Very seldom is it ONLY one person. With us, the more he hurt me, the more I withdrew........and I was DONE. I became bitter no doubt with him.
After a while, nothing could have fixed our marriage short of a miracle.

Cheating is still cheating. I could have taken a lover even back then.....because I was definitely craving the attention of a man I thought he was to start with.........or he could have. Neither of us did. That is probably the only thing I ever respected about that man..................that and that he is the father of my children.........he was a lousy dad, but has improved greatly with the arrival of our grandson..........so I give him that.

We both lived in our own hell thru the end of that marriage.........but bringing someone else into it would have solved nothing.
CHEATING IS CHEATING!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1438 (view)
 
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 1:52:17 PM

I actually called up the last two cunexttuesdays (don't want to curse!) and said calmly "hey, would you mind coming over and taking care of our 3 children, do the housework/laundry/errands/cooking/shopping/dog work, etc, while my H and I go out somewhere? They hung up on me, never to be heard from again. Interesting

I love it.......good for you!!
\
In my first marriage my friend thought my ex was EVERYTHING......i think had a lot to do with the $$$$$$, as he had a bunch!!
However she kept coming down to ask him for help with different things, help with kids swingset, etc.
I walked out to the car after second time she came down. I told her." I have absolutely NO Problem with you wanting my husband.you can have him...but take his laundry with you.....and for Goodness' sake don't think you are gonna return him!!"
My husband was dumbfounded. He was actually helping her out because she was a
" friend" of mine and he thought he should because of me. She got all red in the face, peeled out and I never saw her again. I did hear from my other friends how cute she thought he was, that I was too goody two shoes, and he would get tired of me soon.
Well as it ended, I left him, but it had nothing to do with cheating.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 394 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:25:39 PM
I think vulgarities are not the norm..for anyone,but sometimes people seem so hell bent on making excuses that the frankness comes thru. I agree with Mahogany........is a crock.....but hey what do I know?
Have you ever received a check from someone for a good deed? And torn it up? I have. I did the good deed not to be re-payed, but because of love and it gave me pleasure to convey that love thru word or deed. That person may have felt I needed to be rewarded, but my reward was the blessing it gave me. I don't understand the concept of " blank check".
My husband could have given me all the blank check needed........LOL.........that would have been like looting a bank account of someone still unable to take care of his finances. THERE IS NO BLANK CHECK ............CHEATING IS CHEATING!!
If I walk out of Wal-mart and forget to pay for the soda on the bottom of my cart, and the cashier didn't see it...is it any less stealing??
And yes, I have gotten very strange looks from even the cashier when I came back in to pay. Afterall I could have gotten away with it,,,,,,,,,,,no one the wiser. BUT, I HAVE TO LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. There is no such thing as accidental theft
( once you are aware), or accidental cheating or a REASON.
AN EXCUSE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS A REASON!!!!!!!!!

Again I am not Bible thumping, but there is always been one scripture in the bible I wish I had never read. It says " to him that knoweth to do good, and does it not...to him it is sin"
I was dating a married man for a few weeks off and on about 18 months after Ray died....his profile said single, he acted single, no problem with the calls, anything. He was a trucker.........and I was naive. Once I found out........OVER!!! OVER!!! OVER!!!............and I still felt terrible about his wife. Did I know? NO............but ONCE I did............. I was sick to my stomach about it. It was not physical...but it coulda been very easily. I really, really liked this guy..and it hurt, but he was not his to give, and certainly not mine to play with or love. I could have chose to look the other way and tell myself if not me, would be someone else. I CAN"T DO THAT!!!
NOT an excuse in the world justifies his lies, his cheating, or deceiving those he contacts.
What do cheaters do with the ones they involve like that????If I had known how, she would have known!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1361 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:09:04 PM
That's exactly true....and given enoughtime..you will wonder why you even " considered" the crumbs!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 389 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/13/2009 12:59:50 PM
a quick note regarding msg 382. That reminds me of something I read about 10 years ago. There was an author who lived in upstate NY. He contracted prostate cancer and could no longer perform his “husbandly duties”. He kept a diary and asked his wife to publish it should he succumb to his illness which he did.

In his diary he mentions the following discussion with his wife. “(Paraphrased)You’re a beautiful, healthy woman. I do not expect you to give up a normal sex life because of me and I know your values preclude cheating. I would prefer if you took a lover rather then leave me. All I ask is for you to be discreet.”


I can imagine someone saying that to their spouse..but I can't imagine them really wanting them to do it.......or even feel there is a chance.
My late husband was unable to perform for several years before he died. He even asked our doctor many times in front of me for Viagra( to my embarrassment...so he could be fair to his " beautiful wife as he called me). Ray, among his other medical problems had a bad heart and Viagra would have been deadly to him. I refused to even think about it. I LOVED HIM, not just the sex.........
Just as many times he told me to put him in a nursing home when the " job" of taking care of him became a 24/7 responsibility. I always replied " not as long as I breath", I know that always made him proud , happy and secure that that was how I felt about him. He trusted me with every aspect of our life. Even when he was in one hospital, and I in another.....( I was almost walking dead from taking care of him....I did it myself with only a visiting nurse occasionally to put in IV"S).......I had collasped.......but......I left against the doctors wishes to be with my husband. First thing he said when I walked in was "I'll be OK now...my baby is here." Sadly he was in ICU for 20 days before he died.
Taking a "lover" was never even a consideration.
HOW CAN ANYBODY SAY THEY LOVE SOMEONE SO DEEP..............AND HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE???? I am gonna get blasted for that, but hey we all have our right to opinions or questions.

I still maintain that anyone that is deeply in love with their spouse or SO could not EVEN consider the option.

That's why I originally joined POF, on the advice of a friend, just to have a
conversation with someone who still likes to get out and have some fun
without being snockered to do it. I've never cheated once in our entire
marriage but I find myself in a situation where if I came across someone I
connected with I honestly can't say what would happen. I don't know if that makes me a coward or not but if I met the right person I could see myself walking away from the marriage and it's the first time in my life I've thought this way.

That's why I don't think cheating is a simple black and white issue. There are
always grey areas in there.


You are kidding yourself if you honestly believe that " conversation" is all you filled out that form for. You have already made the step in your mind and heart to do it. You can't look for justification for what you obviously struggle with.
You want your cake and eat it too. You don't want to walk away from something that is comfortable and a sure thing...to get out in the big bad world and do the right way. If you no longer want her..why stay? What about the woman you may involve in your mess. Is that fair to her? Do you just search around until you find what you consider better than your wife to UPGRADE????
What respect will another woman hold for you if that is what you do? I would feel like if things got rocky with us..........you would repeat the pattern. How much stability would that make me feel in our relationship?
Bible thumping as it has been called, aside, you reap what you sew.
Jumping from one relationship into another NEVER works. Either work on finding with your wife what you once had, or be fair to either woman and do what your heart tells you to do. Only you know if you are truly " DONE" with the marriage.
Read a lot of the forums, since this is your first post.............there always has to be a healing in between. If not you take the problems from your last relationship right into the new one.
When people are angry, they forget that perhaps the other person is hurting just as bad or worse than they are. Her drinking may be her way of coping with what she can't handle in the relationship or the lack of communication.
Dumped or dumpee.....NO ONE gets out of ANY relationship without some hurt, anger, and orwhat ifs????
CHEATING IS CHEATING..........BLACK AND WHITE..........and any excuse is just that...........an excuse. How would you like to be on the receiving end of her staying with you until she finds something " better or more fun"?
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Sabotaging relationsships
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:28:23 PM

I find myself doing it constantly, its our sub conscious reaction to knowing that the person is not right for us when we think they are.


I think much of this is true. I have never found myself doing it " constantly". I have had wonderful relationships where even after all these years, we are friends..no animosity...and spent twenty years with the most amazing man before he died....HOWEVER those that I look back and see that I sabotaged......it was because of the uncomfortable feeling of being in a relationship that made me feel like I was getting less than what I put into it, not having the same level of feeling that they did, or just the uneasy feeling that something wasn't quite right.
Always turned out that my gut instinct was right. After the initial tears and wandering why I did it, I was relieved and THANKFul that I got no further into the relationship than I did.
I can honestly say I don't have " one" that I can look back on and wish things had gone on further. We all have some form of self- preservation, or should, and that has always been my way. I have always been more comfortable with sabotaging and leaving the relationship or being left with the knowledge that it was the best thing in the long run.
I have always felt that even though once in a relationship, they take work, but it shoud be enjoyable, not a constant battle.
That kind of things gives me headaches at this stage of my life. I spent all those years with such an eay going man. I can't take the drama.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Dating widows / widowers
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:56:28 PM
One thing that I have found is that I have been contacted by quite a few scammers, it appears that the word "widow" is equated with easy target, money, or desperate.


WOW.WHAT AN UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!!!

I never thought of myself as naive before my husband died, but afterwards I realized just how " protected and sheltered he had kept me".
I HONESTLY don't think I believed people could be so downright crude, unfeeling, and/or deviate!!
I have learned soooooooooooooooo much in the last three years!
There are still the really wonderful caring people out there...................and I do my best to only associate with them. The rest raise their nasty little heads occasionally in my mailbox......but even though it is not fine tuned yet..my radar is working so much better!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Are you afraid of widow(er )s???
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:19:06 PM

The healing process for both is almost identical.

Been thru BOTH...........and for me.............NOT EVEN Close!!!
Death is final and there was not hurt, no bitterness, no anger, just love.
A comparison made often, but most THAT did have that awesome marriage that does NOT have to be idealised..........it is a loss that divorce could never come close to!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 367 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 2:49:51 PM
lucylia,
Ijust peeked at your profile.hadn't looked before. You are such a young woman and very pretty. I can't imagine why you would not have confidence.......I never looked that good on my best day!!
I have a daughter a little older than you, so I have some inkling in to your feelings. Her husband was not giving her the attention she craved. A college professor came on to her. She did not have sex with him ( her husband was just her fiance at the time), but she did admit wanting him to kiss her when he made a pass. This haunted her for a long time and she even at one point considered not marrying...........her feelings were if she loved her fiance so much, how could she even be attracted to another man. Truth is she was not attracted to the other man, but the attention.
She told mebefore she married him that she felt she should tell him. My advice was NOT to. She had not done anything except be tempted. It would serve no purpose to hurt her soon to be husband by telling him. It was hers to deal with..not confessing and causing him to bear part of the pain.
She didn't and came to terms with it, but it took her awhile.
I don't really know what to think in your situation. We women do over analize sometimes and we love too much. I can try to tell you to get out more, exercise, blah, blah..all the standard answers..but we both know that when you are emotionally hurt..that follows you wherever you go. You can feel like a stranger in a crowd of people because your heart is focused on the problem.

Sometimes the remedy is within yourself. What he calls love and what you call love are the age old differences between men and women. We want wine, roses and undying love..............they want their friends, a beer , and sex when they want it.
I do KNOW that involving someone else and cheating only compounds the problem.
Your guilt will make it easier for you to allow him to take you for granted. You will feel you deserve it........and no one does. I hate that you are going thru this. Maybe if you are babying him too much, step back and let him miss some of the wonderful person you are. Human nature lets us take many things for granted. Maybe he needs showed, instead of told. Just thinking out loud. But you are much to young to be dealing with this.
Best wishes
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 356 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:32:39 AM
I have never ever said it was easy to leave. If you read my earlier posts, you will find the circumstances of leaving my first husband. He was millionaire......literally.......and I left to live in a rat infested house on the poor side of the city with two children....4 months and two years old.....no support........for a long time .and then only thirty five dollars a week.because he transferred all of his assets to his parents to keep from having to pay. I was still happier eating hot dogs, bread and gravy. Is this for everyone, no, but i am stubborn and bulheaded and can't pretend to live a lie. I just can't do it.

However if you or anyone still feels the want of having the one you are with to act as they used to..the effort has to be on both parts, and bringing a third person into it, never solves anything. I know what it feels like to be emotionally attached to someone else after you have been hurt so bad that you need to feel cared for by another...that someone else COULD want you, be sweet to you, all the other emotions. I am old, not dead.....and I am sure I experience as many emotions and pain as others. For all my bull-headness.I am very tenderhearted. I can get hurt very easy by someone I love.

Still, if I was interested in trying to find the love and passion that was once with someone..........I lay myself out and tell them how I feel. Is that comfortable..hell no, does it lay me wide open for more hurt and possible ridicule....yes..........but if I harbour feelings I wish I had said, or questions.I live with that regret. I leave a relationship knowing that there was absolutely NO QUESTION of how I felt, how I done all I knew to do, and gave the other party the opportunity to have their say.

I still believe selfishness is the reason for cheating. Can a person be hurt enough to seek out someone else........yes...but have the decency to sever the relationship with the former.
It is not FAIR to ANYONE to be in a triangel.
I know not all on here believe in monagamy, but aside from them...how can you live with one and having sex with either both, or the one outside the relationship. I would think guilt would eat at your soul and mind. ( not talking about you , just a person in general)
I am really not trying to JUDGE anyone, although my opinions may make it feel that way.
I haven't walked in everyone elses's shoes..but where I HAVE been...I know .
I honestly feel the pain of those that live with someone they once loved, and are now either shut out, abused, or ignored....been there..........but happiness is only when you find it within yourself. Then you can be happy and bring that to another relationship. I was so blessed to have a man like Ray. I will never ever know why I had him...but this I do know...he was a miracle in my life....and I cherish his memory as I cherished him.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 353 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/1/2009 9:59:55 PM
3. He will never marry a woman that cannot submit to leadership. He understands that the dynamics of a large household requier that someone be the leader, and that the leadership is a position of responsibility - not dictatorship. While the women may follow his lead (and must if they are to survive), he ultimately has to be resonsible to her when things go strange and scary.

How it applies: Even in monogamy, if there is a power struggle from day one, the marriage is already doomed. There must be a clear leader, and that leader will never be able to TAKE authority, it is given. Once given, it should not be taken back - becuase that as well will totally destroy a marriage. This applies to cheating because it is the foundation of unhappiness. When this element is dealt with, then nearly everything else will resolve itself.


And I think this point is definitely true. I will get blasted for this one........but it is how it is.
Most marriages have the problem of " too many chiefs, Not enough Indians".
I was equal to my husband in every way that mattered. However my husband believed that a woman was to be taken care of , cherished, loved, and respected.
I am not talking about taking care of me financially only ( I worked......he would have preferred I didn't have to ).
While he was off work because of an accident.........I sold real estate. He FIXED and brought my lunch to me EVERYDAY and sat and ate with me. He went with me to show houses, Open houses, ........cleaned the house while I worked, always surprising me with little notes on the mirror or a rose on my pillow.

He was a former AAA ballplayer, Union boss three terms at Firestone, 12 years in Air Force ( just in case anyone thinks he might have been a sissy). He was the most stubborn, bull headed man I have ever known. He stuck to what he believed in. He never pulled rank, but I believed and still do, that the man is the head of the household, that he is the covering for his wife and children. He never ever " bossed " me, but I submitted when there was a power struggle. The struggle was not worth hurting the love we shared. I often referred to him as my gentle boss.
If people were not always so intent on getting their OWN way, they might be surprised to find out how they are treated. I could never have ever picked a better example of a man to spend my life with. It was cut short because of his death, but I have said many times....and still mean....Even if he had not been my husband, I would have still thought he was one of the finest men to ever draw a breath.
Men STILL like to be men, they still like to know that a woman looks up to them, admires them. ....and loves them.
A man from Firestone told him one time after he got sick...better get better real fast...a woman a fiesty as she is will not be happy with a man that can't " perform"...... his wife had stepped out on him. Ray just simply replied.......".NOT MY WIFE.....I know who I married ......and who and what she is!!"
My husband was my hero...corny but true........and you shoulda seen how that
" puffed out his chest" and the pride he showed in me for being secure enough to let him know he was my life!!!
GIVE me a " boss' like that anytime!!
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 348 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:23:08 AM
So what does a person do? He loves his partner, has aired the issue and a resolve is not that simple to reach. Have I cheated - not yet....... but I ask all you God quoters to just stop and look at the gray areas. If your so clever and can sit on a grandstand and cast judgement on others - why are you on here? why did your relationships fail?


I could have copied almost your whole post.but it seemed fruitless, so I chose this.
My husband was unable to have sex for more than five years before he died. I also have a very high sex drive. Did I cheat, did I EVEN consider cheating .....HELL NO!!!!!!!
I also waited over 18 months before i even had COFFEE with another man. I couldn't bear the thought of someone even stepping into his shoes, anyone ever touching me but him. AND I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU HAVE NO HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN I DO!! But I LOVED him.............I would not seek to satisfy myself outside the bonds of our relationship because I have a CONSTITUSION in me, that LOVE is indeed LOVE.......and I meant the " forsaking all others and keeping yourself unto him.as long as you both shall live".
Love, without it we will always find EXCUSES, with it we will always find A WAY!!
I LOVED HIM> Re-read your own post and you will realize that it is YOUR needs you are concerned about ..........SELFISHNESS>>>>>...... My relationshipe DID NOT FAIL..he died, which we had no control over. His last words were that he could not leave his baby.....I NEVER ever doubt that I made that man happy, and he made me happy.......unable to have sex or not,......... that he trusted me with his life...and if possible he would have postponed Heaven for me!!
Cheating is CHEATING...end of story!!
Mahoganyrush!!!!!
YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!!!!
 
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