Is your loneliness overwhelming? chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Is your loneliness overwhelming?

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 71 (view)

Is your loneliness overwhelming? Posted: 4/25/2009 11:17:08 AM
Ironically, for many years I reveled in my singleness and never felt lonely for a moment. A great job, lots of fun activities with friends, plenty of travel, my sweet little dog always so happy to see me - I felt just fine about life. Then my ex-husband (we've been divorced for years and remained friends) remarried a wonderful woman and now, watching the life they are creating together, I am finding myself more and more often engulfed by a feeling of overwhelming loneliness. Which causes me to wonder, what is loneliness, really? In my case, was it just a reaction to my feelings of envy? Is "loneliness" really quite an individual thing, something that arises from our emotional depths and of very different origin from person to person? In which case, all the advice in the world we can throw at each other about dealing with it may be utterly useless.

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 39 (view)

How to cope with long term loneliness Posted: 4/25/2009 10:57:47 AM
I sort of wonder if all the people who are saying "get over yourself" and "get busy" and all the other loneliness-avoidance techniques are sort of missing the point here. Yes, there are all sorts of methods you can employ to keep the loneliness at bay, and some folks are almost frantic in their efforts to do so, but our OP here is courageous enough to allow himself to just feel it, and feel it deeply - to the point that he almost wonders if he is teetering on the edge of sanity. The kind of pain he feels is very real, and no amount of running from it by filling his time with activities, or pretending to be happy, is going to keep it away for good. It sounds as though he's not allowing himself to be isolated, and that's a good thing, but I think that fundamentally that feeling of loneliness is a call to work on our own relationship with ourselves. Opening up to all of our own multi-layered complexities, really beginning to understand who we are on a soul-level, can have a transformative impact on all of our relationships and potential relationships. I agree with many folks that finding activities, classes, etc., that you are truly interested in, OP, keeps you engaged with the world around you, but please don't miss this important opportunity to come to know yourself and all the myriad aspects of yourself; because when do take the time to do so, it opens you to accepting that other people aren't simple and one-dimensional, either, and in that lies the basics of really conscious relationship. I know that this won't lessen the pain of waking up alone and not having anyone to smile at first thing in the morning! But maybe it will give you a different perspective to consider.

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 47 (view)

why do people stay on POF after meeting someone? Posted: 1/19/2009 10:22:06 PM
I'll add my voice to all of those who say they stay on for the forums. They're fun. But you guys who say you've found someone and are exclusive but have NOT changed your profile to indicate that you are no longer single and looking are just blowing hot air when you say you're just here for the forums. You're keeping your options open - obviously!! - so why bother denying it?

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 131 (view)

Unconditional Love Posted: 12/12/2008 6:54:15 PM
Hmm, I wonder if Bobisherenow might be a reincarnation of our once much-loved BobRuinedTheDate? He has some of the same deadpan tongue-in-cheek delivery, but hasn't mentioned robots yet as far as I can tell.

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 63 (view)

he will help with some bills but never the rent Posted: 10/23/2008 2:01:10 PM
Ah, that elusive quality of "fairness." Whatever the reasons behind your individual agendas, you are not likely to come to a point of balance when each of you is entrenched in your positions - you insisting that he needs to pay part of the rent, and him insisting that he's not gonna because he feels he pulls enough of the weight . Since you're the one that came to us for our advice, I might suggest that you try approaching the question in a different way. Less confrontational, maybe. As long as you keep at it in the same way, he'll just dig in there on the couch and pretend he can ignore you. The fact that you don't have other major problems in your relationship is a good thing, so use that as a foundation to find a way to calmly address this touchy topic. Some people are just really, really hung up over money issues and find it hard to discuss them, especially when someone is coming at them in anger and frustration. There's no magic formula to fairness here - you two just need to find the way that works for both of you,

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 473 (view)

Whats with women that invite their dogs into the bedroom to sleep? Posted: 9/28/2008 12:37:37 PM
Our dogs are are often our closest companions and best friends. Mine sleeps in the bed, yes, but if YOU become a close companion and friend, for sure we will figure out a way to make you comfortable in the bed!

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Frugal Non-spenders Posted: 9/28/2008 12:27:28 PM
When frugal gets added on to a narcissitic personality, yes, you get the kind of person who thinks it's OK to spend lots of $ of himself/herself but balks at spending it on others, even other family members. I have a girlfriend whose husband was like that - he bought himself a beautiful new car every 3 years but insisted that she continue to drive her 15-year-old car that often broke down, leaving her and her young son (not his) stranded - she called me to rescue them more than once, but a few times they had to hichhike to a gas station - hardly a safe situation for your wife and yound stepson. He bought whatever toys he wanted and gave her the cheapest birthday and Christmas presents possible. They're no longer married - big surprise - but her story has left me feeling very wary of excessive "frugality" in the men I date!

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 69 (view)

I've been deeply wounded. . . Posted: 6/29/2008 12:37:13 AM
OP, I'm with those who want to express some sympathy and compassion for your situation. A similar thing has happened to me, and I've almost come to the conclusion that in order to avoid it, you have to avoid internet dating. The "grass is greener" syndrome is alive and well among those who use dating sites. I've never seen any studies done but I suspect from reading PoF forum posts that dating site addiction is much more a problem for men than it is for women. I could be wrong about that, but I don't think so. Your guy kept looking even after he had met you, and found someone else that pulled his attention away from you, for whatever reason. It really doesn't matter why at this point. To the poster who says that if a man says, "I love you," he probably means it, do others agree with that statement? Even very early on in the relationship? Maybe I'll have to start a thread about that.

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

Is he cheating? Posted: 5/19/2008 12:12:11 PM
I agree with Rivereye-message #9. What are the chances you just happened to catch him the first time he ever did that? He's probably been doing it a while. There are a lot of dating site addicts out there, and he's probably one of them. They might have a wonderful relationship right in front of them but instead of concentrating on that, they spend their time in fantasy-land, trying out this one and that one. Even if they never meet their cyber-fantasy-person, or never have sex with them, and even if we can't technically call this cheating, it's not very helpful to the health of the relationship they are supposedly in. He may well not have met/had sex, but his fascination with the la-la land of dating sites is potentially a real problem. In fact, as one of the other posters said, any time you're in a relationship and doing anything behind the other person's back, it's bad news.

lavendarkiss

Joined: 4/15/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Conflicted about having sex Posted: 5/18/2008 7:54:31 PM
I'm not sure where the conflict is here, Jane. The thread sort of went off on a bible tangent, but from your first post it seems like you feel that your healthy appetite for sexual activities is getting in the way of making a real connection with individual men. Rather than seeing yourself as "an easy mark for a one-night stand" just take responsibility for your own desires, practice safe sex, and enjoy those encounters. Maybe for you, that IS the best way of making a connection to the kind of man you need in your life, one with sexual appetite that matches yours. If a guy doesn't make contact afterwards, he's not the one for you, but in the meantime you've had some good fun and stress relief.

Show ALL Forums