Domestic Violence chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Domestic Violence

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 409 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 9/13/2009 7:43:40 AM
It's now 18 months since i first posted here and with the help of you posters out there and many other support networks i made it through . I completed 15 months of one to one psychotherapy and am now going to my second week of group therapy which will run weekly for 2 years. It's not easy becoming your own person when you have been on the receiving end of an abuser but it can be done and it feels great. The advice that i am seeking today is about how to deal with the following turmoils. 1. He is being released in December on licence but who knows what he is going to do as despite many millions of promises in years gone by he never took any notice of authority . 2.No one thinks that he will bother to come looking for me this time but i have started to have dreams that he is hiding at the bottom of the garden etc and its turning me into a nervous wreck. I also imagine seeing him standing there and i want to run but can't move. 3. How am i going to feel if i do see him face to face and he tries to be nice to me. As i have just started the group therapy sessions i don't trust anyone enough yet to open up. Please help me posters.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 408 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 4/4/2009 3:55:54 AM
It's one year since I first posted on this site and i continue to heal and move forward. The support that i received from readers on this thread was immense. Combined with therapy , determination and the sudden awakening and realisation that actually despite all the promises and sorry's and the daily new beginnings ( and those of you who have experienced and are experiencing domestic violence will know what i mean), that things will never change, in fact they worsen and more often than not with devastating consequences. My heart was so broken, my soul betrayed I couldn't see a way forward. I lost everything that mattered to me. I was a mess lost at sea and i was drowning. I encourage any woman / man who may be going through the same turmoil to read my journey. Please read the poem above and take care of yourselves. It is so good to be free at last.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 406 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 11/14/2008 12:27:01 PM
I am posting today as its a very important milestone for me..O n the 14th November 07 my ex was released from prison after serving 11 months for assaulting me and abusing me. It wasn't his first prison term but this time I believed 100% that he had reflected on his behaviour and learned his lesson the hard way. Little did I know that I was going to learn a lesson the hard way .. a very hard way which has resulted in an even longer prison term and a year of emotional hell , grief , despair .. far greater than the abuse and violence.. My head was a mess ., I didn't know who I was and I contemplated the unthinkable. I havn't worked this year .. having never being unemployed bar from having my children. I didn't trust the police , I didn't trust anyone and all but one of my children had any time left for me. And i've been having psychotherapy. With help and support from the posters on this forum ''I'VE MADE IT THROUGH' For those who have not followed this thread please just read my first posting and you will see a woman in total despair. I don't need to go through the details again it's all written down throughout the year. I am writing this for the sake of any of you who are in the same mess.. for those of you who in your hearts truly believe you love your partner and that losing your self worth and maybe your life is worth keeping him/her because it is not. And they don't love us . they really don't .Theyr'e just meaningless words that they use to keep us on side. Today I have a six week old grandson who means the world to me whose mother( my youngest daughter), has stood by me throughout this nightmare. Another daughter claimed she hated me and and now we meet regularly for a social but we never discuss what happened. We have a drink and something to eat and its nice. My eldest daughter who hasn's spoken to me since I first took my ex parner back from prison has seen me keep to my word this time .. she has watched me fight my demons and show her that I could give this man up. She came to see me yesterday and we were laughing and chatting and my youngest was watching us with her partner and baby with tears in her eyes. I am beginning a new job in January and I am moving house soon. I have not dated at all as I am fragile still a nd will find it hard to trust someone again but i am beginning group therapy in the new year and hopefully this will help in forming relationships again. Most important of all I am my own person again.. I havn't forgotten him but I no longer spend my entire day thinking about him. I have my life to live and I can function on my own again and I thank every single poster for the support given to me. THANKYOU SO MUCH. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx You cannot understand what living with an abuser is like unless you have lived with one.. but if you know some one who is being abused please give them a listening ear and don't condem them if they decide to return to their abuser time after time. This is so important.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Nightmare Posted: 9/25/2008 8:27:12 AM
You have an answer for everything my friend. How can you concentrate on an English class with the nightmare that you have apparently been through. I have barely been able to concentrate on just functioning after my own personal nightmare and my ex definitely was a pathological liar., everything that came out of his mouth was a plausible lie. He even believed it himself. I see warning signs here unfortunately.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 390 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 9/20/2008 10:48:51 PM
Karbelle.. Thankyou for your post. When I read through these posts the heart knows that we have all been there. There is a common knowledge that we all share and I have finally freed myself with the help, support and tough words from all of you . Even when you break free .. you mourn.. The intensity of the emotions can be more painful than the abuse. You suffer multiple losses which resemble massive bereavement. For example.. loss of your relationship, once loved partner, loss of friends and family. Loss of safety, home and familiarity,. Loss of trust, pleasure , joy your future. And much more. The impact can induce sheer terror., such a mix of cofusing emotions.. It certainly did for me and the interaction with all of you when it was vital saved me from going over the edge. I continue to be in therapy and will be for a long time to come but I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes we are criticised for being fooled into believing what our abusers tell us, when we continue to take the blame for their actions and take them back time after time hoping that this time they mean what they say. However one meeting between the abuser and a psychiatrist, one meeting between the abuser and a probation officer and one letter of ''MEANINGFUL REMORSE''from the abuser to the judge and they are no different in their response than we are. They are fooled as well ., feeling sympathy for the abuser and giving him another chance or a reduced sentence. The abuser always knows what to say and knows what people want to hear. It's no wonder that we get confused and we shouldn't be ashamed of ourselves.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 376 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 9/8/2008 10:56:24 AM
There is no way in hell my friend that i would ever speak to this man again let alone take him back. It was the judge saying that as he is remorseful its okay. His defense team made out that he wasn't dangerous at all and was only like this with me which is of course outrageous. However he will be on the sex offenders register for life thank goodness. Also the judge said that he was to be commended for pleading guilty and saving me a trial. I would rather have gone to trial. And he only pleaded guilty 6 months down the line.. on the day of the trial. The law is an ass. I may consult with a daily tabloid and see if they are interested in this as it shows really why women do not bother to report rape.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 374 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 9/8/2008 8:29:50 AM
I'M not doing good right now. Iwent to court this morning to hear him being sentenced and he had written a letter to the judge saying that he was completely remorseful. The judge said that he believed him and sentenced him to only three and a half years. In real terms as he has already served 7 months on remand he only has seven months left and will be free again. I feel that I am worth nothing as a person. Why when i believed what he wrote to me all those times am I seen as a fool. When the judge believes his words on paper. Ifeel very down and would gratefully apreciate some support right now. I loved this man and supported him through and through. I can be hospitalised for serious assault. I can be raped. but at the end of the day he is remorseful so its okay!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 331 (view)

The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused Posted: 8/31/2008 4:55:58 PM
To Silken Fire.. I once thought that we the abused had nothing to forgive ourselves for but now that i have come this far i feel differently. I feel ashamed that i put my family through this ordeal.I'm not the only one in therapy .. i recently found out that my middle daughter is in therapy as well. As much as we are trying to understand each other as well as find each other again there are still areas in which we disagree. I too would be greatful to hear from anyone who can offer some positive advise ..from the once abused to the abused's family.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 364 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 8/15/2008 6:32:57 AM
Joolsy.. the police have treated this as a threat and continue to support me. They sent a marked car round to see if it would make any difference as the family live very close by. Now that it's just sentencing that we are waiting for I can't see what all this nonsence is to achieve. Plus I continue to attend therapy and still have a bruised heart. Some people can be very cruel and they know without a shadow of a doubt that he is guilty. How would they feel if a member of their own family had been in a similar relationship. I wonder! Thanks for being there.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

its now been 6 months,still cant forget this Posted: 8/15/2008 6:21:51 AM
I couldn't think of a better reply .. drummer4you! It's assumed sometimes that if you are over a certain age then you are devoid of any feelings and should know better. A broken heart is a broken heart and it hurts.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 362 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 8/14/2008 4:47:58 AM
In reply to the above message... I have struggled really hard this last 6 months with coming to terms with the truth and facing reality. Not even wanting to believe it when it was staring me in the face. I have had the most wonderful support from posters on this site.., warm people that I have never even met ..willing me, encouraging me to get through each dark and dismal day. I have made no contact with this man and will not make contact with him again! He on the other hand continues to try to make contact with me even though he is behind bars and is BANNED from writing to me or phoning me.. Yesterday a drawing of a coffin. , today I find a cross on my door step and YES I am starting to feel very afraid but I am not going to let him and his family get to me. I am trying to mend.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 360 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 8/13/2008 4:16:54 PM
Yes I did call the police and they told me not to handle it and that was the last I heard from them!! I'm not sure what is going on..I posted some time back that my ex tried to get me to make contact via my daughter by asking her to get me to write him one last letter as of course he is so sorry for his actions.., which of course I havn't.., Now sentencing has been put back until September 8th for reports which were not ready so what's the point in leaving me little presents.. The outcome cannot be changed..! Idle threats?

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 358 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 8/13/2008 7:39:03 AM
I received an interesting present this morning as I was about to let my dogs out.. There was a very personal hand made card for me sitting on the doorstep. O n the cover was a very colourful oak looking coffin with a female lying in it. All hand drawn and coloured in.. The words GOOD LUCK were written above! Are broken hearts.. broken limbs.. etc not enough?

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 357 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 8/3/2008 7:45:25 PM
In reply to the above gentleman.. thankyou for your post.. Yes I do realise what his game is. He wants just one letter of sympathy from me to give to his barrister to pass on to the judge before he is sentenced. Well I am proud to say that it's just not happening this time. I called the prison myself and told them what he was up to.., then I handed the letter over to the police. He is already barred from phoning me. Of course Iwould love to believe what he wrote but I am wiser now and I am stronger. There is a long way to go yet but I'm heading in the right direction. The posters on this forum have seen to that..Go bless them all.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 353 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/26/2008 4:53:07 PM
This is a reply to a lady named luuvsitt.. unfortunately I cannot message her. Thankyou for your message and sound advice. I will be taking note of what you said. Wannacstars.. you are so funny. I'm looking forward to seeing him sentenced.. It may sound unkind but he will be standing there helpless behind the perspex glass. I remember being helpless behind my car windscreen ., when he put his head through it. I remember that sick smile on his face and I remember peeing myself with fear. Its his turn now.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 351 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/24/2008 4:59:25 AM
Hi to the above messenger! Just em. Unfortunately I can't message you a reply . Your reply was spot on and it's the first time that I have actually had a good laugh for many months. Thankyou.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 346 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/23/2008 3:42:59 PM
This is how the abuser works... No contact since being remanded in prison in February.. Is now awaiting sentence.. Sees me in the courtroom and does everything to get my attention.. IT ALWAYS WORKED BEFORE. Not this time., but was upset by it. My youngest daughter today recieves a letter out of the blue.. Today was the day your mother and I were to be married. I am surprised that she hasn't written to me in 6 months.. its a shame I can't write to her. Part of me will always love her!!!! Just one letter to let me know if she hates me., forgives me., wants me!!!!!!!! Have sent you a visiting order with her name as second visitor.. just to talk. I could be in here for three years. ( underlined). I realise what I have done and am SORRY. Am glad I pleaded guilty .. my burden is lifted. Am so sad and alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a Bible.. God knows how sorry I am. Please ask her to write just one letter to me so I know how she is feeling. And by the way .. your baby must be due soon.. how are you keeping? etc . etc. This man almost Killed me ..He sexually abused me and now he feels sorry for himself and is again playing on my emotions to drag me back where I was. I have been to hell and back and almost been driven over the edge. I emplore anyone who is in a similar situation.. read this thread. Draw strength from all the posters ..If I hadn't this very type of letter would of had me visiting him tomorrow to wipe away his tears. Thanks to all the support on this site.. I am wiser and can see THAT HE NEVER WIPED AWAY MY TEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you? Posted: 7/16/2008 1:41:29 PM
Considering over the past three and a half years .. I have stood in the way of the legal system trying to do there job. O nly after this time did I wake up and stick to my guns. Despite this The CPS and the police have been very good. The Barrister sat with me today and explained everything that was going to happen and if I wasn't happy about I just had to say so. The judge also requested my thoughts first. The police officer in charge of the case was not happy when I requested to hear the verdict read out . It was allowed.. as soon as my ex saw me though he kicked off.. mouthing can I just speak with her for a minute and had to be told no by several bodies. He then proceeded to try ang get my attention. I stood firm but it was upsetting. The sentencing will not be until 8th August and the CPS have requested an indefinite period in prison as they feel he is a danger to society. Does this make me feel any better ? not really..but it has to be done. The legal system has looked after me well.. The witness care ladies were excellent.. It was a nerve racking day and I have been asked to write a statement for the judge at some time. I'm worn out!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse Posted: 7/16/2008 1:25:34 PM
I think that this post will apply very much to me now. I so knew what the outcome was going to be that I had to go back in that courtroom to hear for myself. I felt that I was owed it. However it was the first time I had set eyes on him since February and it still was a painful experience. He did everything possible to get me to look at him and that was after the result. Is this still part of him trying the power and control thing?

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 338 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/16/2008 7:28:17 AM
Guilty As Charged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. No behaviour change.. Shouting .. can I speak to her for just a minute. When led away mouthed write to me. Having a large drink now.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 334 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/15/2008 2:46:32 AM
Good morning to all my new found friends and supporters. This post is an update only as in the trial has been put back until Thursday 17th.. for various reasons. Feel disappointed. Am nervous and just want to get it over with now. Thankyou for all your personal messages as well as your posts here in the forums. Best wishes to you all. llynass.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 328 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/9/2008 5:42:33 PM
To all my supporters and friends out there.. Iwould like to say one thing : I AM TESTIFYING.......... BUT !! I have elected to be screened from HIM. I will keep all of you informed but you may not hear from me for a few days. Sometimes I would like him to be in a position where he was being intimidated and controlled just so he could see what he was doing to others but it probably wouldn't even register. I do believe in Karma and one day he'll get what he deserves.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 320 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/9/2008 5:47:43 AM
Have been trying to prepare myself mentally for next week .. have read through the thread and drawn strength from all the emotion posted here. Silken Flower.. message 269 has shared her court experiences with us and I remembered vividly my ex mouthing the words 'I love you' through the perspex glass as well. I BELIEVED HIM. He used to say to me don't worry about what you hear.. as long as we stick together.. then nothing else matters! I have to say now that I cannot yet face him or look at him without feeling an emotional wreck. It's too soon. Therefore I will choose to be screened from him but I will be there. Best wishes.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 316 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/6/2008 5:12:54 PM
I want to say thanks to all of you who have kept me sane today and to those of you who message me privately. You are all instrumental in the process of helping to heal my broken and grieving heart. My youngest daughter Danielle is coming to court with me and even though she is almost 20 years old and about to become a mother in September .. I am embarassed about the graphic descriptions of things which will be spoken there. Thankyou once again.. I would not have gotten through these last few months without your support , knowledge and understanding. llynass.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 311 (view)

The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused Posted: 7/6/2008 1:32:07 PM
I will one day.. but am not quite ready to burn them just yet. It's like saying goodbye to two years of my life. I've sent the clothes and belongings etc back to his family but just can't quite let go of them letters.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 307 (view)

The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused Posted: 7/6/2008 12:15:30 PM
I n reply to this post Silken Flower.. I have over 200 such letters saying how he felt so sorry and that he was sad and that it would never happen again. Please don't cheat on me .. Ilove you.. Ill die without you..everything is going to be fine..etc He also told me similar things when I first met him .. such as his first girlfriend cheated on him and the last one never acknowledged him and of course I really felt for this extremely nice guy. Was going to do relate counselling this time , get a job, have time for us to get to know each other again but none of it happened. When I was working nights he was bad mouthing me to his family and they didn't know that when he wasn't with them that he was being stopped by the police for other things. I only found out recently. I cannot work out what happened here. I supported him the whole time he was inside and yet he came out and turned the tables on me and to this day I will never understand.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 312 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/6/2008 11:38:15 AM
In reply to betterlate.. I have said several times now that I am not on this site for dating... am here purely for the support that the forums have given me. And I do thank you for all of that. But I still feel the way that I feel! love to you Joolsy as well. I do not want my ex back.. I know that he is not the person that I loved! I have accepted this. There are things which I cannot discuss even ..,which came to light after he was arrested this time. Things I did not know about until recently and they are things which are under separate investigation. Things which make me so ashamed to have been anywhere near him and I can't share them . I am in therapy.. I do belong to a support group.. But I'm still in pain.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 306 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/6/2008 10:01:02 AM
Thanks for that information Silken Fire. With all these feelings that I don't like I've started to look at the reality of an afterlife as I have relatives who I would much rather be with. Are these feelings also part of PTSD. Am confused !

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 303 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/6/2008 8:59:53 AM
One more big thing...Am really scared that I will be back to square one when I set eyes on him again. It's going to be a gut wrencher for me.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 302 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/6/2008 8:47:56 AM
In reply to wannaCstars .. I think I was just being defensive.. please accept my apologies. To be honest with you.. I feel like crap today. I've had a quick drive around and a walk but the world dosn't seem real and nobody seems to notice me. I don't want to go to court but no that I have to.. Why can't he just plead guilty .. he knows that he is and it would spare me any further pain. People keep saying .. don't let him destroy you., he's not worth it but I think it's too late. I just don't have any feelings, or incentive left in me. Please tell me this is going to pass. I can't cope with this feeling anymore.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 290 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/3/2008 6:53:05 PM
I don't know if I am missing something! but I don't have a personality disorder and I am very sociable. I work in a hospital and I don't hate men. I fell in love or thought I fell in love with someone who completely took over my life, abused me in all manner of ways and I was unable to break free of him. With the help of these forums and some very supportive individuals I felt able to slowly let him go. Today I viewed my video evidence and I was watching a freshly abused pathetic looking woman in an arm chair, head down twitching her hands, bags under her eyes , telling her story. Having had 5 months to think clearly I remembered many things that I had forgotten at the time. Also I was told that the defense would twist that story around and around. And I could see how too. If I was on a jury I know that it would be a difficult decision to make as the person conducting the interview kept talking about who put on what item of clothing first and who went downstairs first. To me what the hell does it matter but apparently being consistent does. But this person that I was watching was clearly distressed but confused about certain facts or couldn't remember certain things. I did not recognise this person as myself. Explain this one ...if anyone can. Also my ''wellmeaning relative'' had left a further message for me while Iwas out stating that his friend is a lawyer and that a video statement used as evidence and also being shielded in court was more likely to bring about an aquittal. Can any one please explain this to me as well as I have onlt a few days left. Now I know that my head has been messed with big time and learning to trust someone implicitly again may or may not happen but where does the personality disorder come in and is this statement a personal attack on me. Please advise.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 282 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/3/2008 3:37:03 AM
Thanks joolsy.. I so appreciate you. I was reading the forum about forgiveness following abuse and it seem that there is a lot of ill feeling amongst people on that thread. As you stated everyone heels there own pace. I felt uncomfortable reading the last few comments posted there. It feels like a competition of my abuse was worse than yours therefore what do you know. Why can't they just support each other. I am off to Sapphire now to view my video evidence so I guess that i'll be needing a hanky. to you.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 280 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/3/2008 3:17:20 AM
Have just had a conversation with a well meaning male relative who has informed me that I am 53.. therefore devoid of emotion and should of known better. I invited this guy back into my home upon his release from prison so what do I expect. He said the jury will feel the same way. Help!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 270 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/1/2008 8:49:36 AM
Thankyou for your post .... onmyown4 Bless you. The police have visited today ( these police officers are sexual offence officers), they are supposed to be ''understanding, supportive, caring, etc,etc''. Some how whenever they leave I always feel ten times worse than I did before the arrived. Why is that? They have encouraged me to give evidence and yet in the next breath they are telling me '' Be prepared for the lies he's going to tell, as you know he's continuing to plead not guilty'' . I say ,'' I realise this , that's why I'm going to court. I then say i'm not staying to hear what he is saying as I'm being sheltered by screen and it would look silly to then go and sit in the court. I'm then told .. well the jury is going to hear the lies. What is this supposed to mean. I get more and more confused! Do they want me to go or not? I was full of confidence yesterday .... that is of at least facing the courts.. Now!!!!!!!!!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 264 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/30/2008 2:40:27 PM
I don't know what to say to you Angelheart3 and Joolsy .I would love to meet you one day and hug you in person. I had a panic attack this morning so I have to stop worrying as what will be will be but I'd like you to know that I'm not over him but I am over him !... and I know that you know what I mean. I'm going to share this with you... personally! I received a card from my youngest daughter in the post today and its titled ANGEL OF HOPE., and it goes like this If your life's broken and shattered and the pieces just won't mend and you feel your in a tunnel that has no light at the end No matter what the situation you must always strive to hold on to your hope and you'll feel stronger and survive. For an angel's watching over you who'll help you make a start to recover all the hope you have that's hidden in your heart. To my mummy! I love you So remember that! X Everything will work out fine. God has a Plan for all of us. love Danielle. X What really matters is right in front of my nose . Now that I am free to think for myself I can say: I was blind but now I see. I cannot put into words how much I value you as TRUE Friends. And thanks from the bottom of my heart to every one who has posted on this thread. :hug

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 256 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/28/2008 6:05:53 PM
Thankyou for your honesty Silken Fire..Everything you say is true. Your thread isn't bothersome and I will be able to give my own input following the trial. However all my thoughts are pre-occupied with how the defense may try to discredit me as I am sure they are going to try their utmost to do and I'm still feeling fragile. The decision to go to court though IS mine as I do not have to. Therefore I am willing to face the fear and do what I have to do.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 254 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/28/2008 5:23:18 PM
There is a new forum on domestic violence and the legal system's treatment of victims. While the lady who has begun this forum has posted on my thread and has been very supportive and her own thread on abuse has been very interesting ..this thread is frightening me. I only have 2 weeks to go before I take the stand and already a lady from England has written that due to her partner's mother's support he got off. My abuser's mother is also taking the stand and i'm not feeling very confident now.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 250 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/25/2008 6:36:32 PM
Would like to let a certain gentleman know had it not been for this forum that I would never have understood what had happened to me .I was shell shocked. I have discovered that I am no longer isolated and have friends far and wide. Real friends who talk to me through these posts and keep me strong. He has no idea . There is one lady in particular who knows who she is .. She saved me..She has been like my guardian 'angel' and every other poster has also been the supporting angels. We have shared something that can only be understood by living it. Like experienceing a labour pain. I have cried more lately than in the beginning of the breakup as I was numb then and even.. I will be honest about this..even when others are telling me how strong and well I am doing ..I have wanted to shout in the middle of the street and say no I'm not... Please take notice of my pain.. please understand me.. what did I do wrong ?.. why did he say he loved me but hurt me so much? So to the gentleman ............... I would like to say to you................ Without the shared experiences and real understanding ..I personally would of found it very difficult to climb out of the pit of depression this time. I was worn down! I have had to wake up and do it myself of course.. but the support that I have been given and the friendship shown has been the best. Thankyou everyone.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 245 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/25/2008 10:56:09 AM
Am not sure which thread that I read about the following web site.. www.lovefraud.com but it is excellent. Have just read my life story all over again the same as all of you. Its still emotionally devastating to realise that this person whose told you that they love you so many times did not mean a single word of it. It knocks you for six. That they can leave you financially finished..yes. Emotionally crushed ..yes. Convince almost everyone that you are the bad guy.. yes. Your family and theirs. Move on to the next person without even giving you a second thought.. yes. That you were just a supply source to them.. housing..sex..food..money..etc..etc. NOTHING ELSE. And as in my case leave when he had no further purpose for me and turning the situation completely around .

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 241 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/24/2008 3:57:54 AM
Am I experiencing anger yet? Today I feel like I hate the entire world. Today I feel like I can't trust anyone. Family , friends, loves. Today I feel like I don't want to be a part of this world any more. Today I feel like I am facing a huge responsibility.. If this guy goes back to prison for years ..Is it my fault? No.. but indirectly.........?!!!!!!!! If he walks then I am in big trouble. My broken heart seems to remain this way. I am consumed with so many different feelings.. ups and downs. This guy continues to mess with my head but I'l bet he is only thinking about himself! Am I beginning to feel angry?

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 107 (view)

The Process of Forgiving Ourselves Posted: 6/19/2008 9:13:44 AM
Please can you explain to me what we have to forgive ourselves for? We havn't done anything wrong, I am confused.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 238 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/18/2008 10:23:46 AM
In reply to onmyown4.. Thankyou for your post.. I would like to say though that my ex is not my son's father. His father never raised a finger to me or his voice however he did go off and make a new life for himself and break all contact with the children! Saying that ..he has resurfaced and is now in their lives and has a new wife and son and so he has things to work through with the children. Angelheart3 I have taken onboard all your advice thankyou. I feel like my son is now becoming an abuser / controller or has the potential. I must admit he broke my heart but I am also trying hard to see things from their / his point of view. All the children say that the signs were there in the beginning and yes I see them now and I can't turn back the clock and can only move forward if they will allow me. They even seem a little disgusted that I was even in a sexual relationship at my age and was no longer putting them first. These are the feelings that are coming through now. I am seeing a psychotherapist at an adult trauma unit and Ienjoy the sessions but she seemed concerned that despite the sessions I mentioned that I continue to feel in the world but not of it. I feel unreal at present. The police don't keep me up to date with proceedings. I havn't read through my evidence and I made my statement in February. The trial begins July 14th and I call them and leave messages but they just don't get back to me. Am afraid to get angry incase I look like a mad woman and as my children say .. I chose to get into the relationship. They don't understand why I have been signed off work until after the trial as I'm not physically handicapped and of course the money situation has now changed. As they are adults and living elsewhere they I feel need to look after themselves or take some responsibility for their welfare. They inform me that I am their mother until death otherwise I should of thought about having children. There is so much going on in my head that I feel a failure at everything and just can't get to grips with anything at the moment. I am however thankful to you and I KNOW that it is only myself who has to make changes. Some days are a little bit harder than others and yes I know that you have been there and I can see that you have suffered greatly to.. I almost feel a fraud. I think that as I have been through a divorce and picked up the pieces and then carried on with the children and studied for a much better job with a good income that some how the children are absolutely ashamed at me but they are young and yet to experience life. The youngest being 20 and they see everything in black and white. Not that I want them to experience any hardships but we all experience some along the way. They are all adults and are well educated and yes I think that I am venting some frustration here. To wanna c stars.. thankyou for your input to.. I am greatful.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 234 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/18/2008 4:58:26 AM
What do you do when it's your own famiy members who are now not willing to support you now that you have made the break? I have two children who are like this. To be fair they have seen so much violence .. abuse..over the last three and a half years and always supported me before that they couldn't care less now. I do have support from two of the others but am not allowed to mention ever my ex's name.. they tell me to talk to someone who cares. My 21 year old son told me in no uncertain terms that I am a loser.. that I am an embarassment.. that the whole going to court thing .. is going to be the worst ever. That I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and go back to work ( as he can no longer get any money from me until I do)! He says that I am turning into an old woman in front of his eyes who just sits at home with the dogs.. and has no life. He also does not believe that should my ex be released from prison in three weeks time that he won't find him in this house again at some point in time. I have tried to assure him that it's not going to happen but the insults are just coming fast and furious. The one time in our lives that I am unable to financially support him and he kicks me where it hurts. He left home three years ago due to the violence and I wish that I could turn the clocks back but he seems to be adding to my depression now. I am feeling so confused. Has any one else experienced similar treatment from their children?

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

My experience with a mentally ill woman. Posted: 6/15/2008 5:02:44 AM
She probably moved away because she didn't want to hurt you any more by putting you through what ever she may have felt was facing her. She was thinking of you. Your only thinking of yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself. Message number 9 said it all.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 227 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/14/2008 5:05:27 PM
message for KarenQJ...J ust to let you know that I have attended my first coda class and it went very well and of course there were stories to share which always strengthens one spirit. Thankyou.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 225 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/11/2008 12:02:29 PM
Have really been trying hard to understand what it is I am actually feeling at present! I feel betrayed.. I put my faith into this person so many times like putting up bail money.. . I wrote to courts .. to the probation people.. to anyone I thought might be able to help him.. I even obliged his family for their sakes as they too cared a great deal for him.. I stood by him.. I took care of his needs above all else. He shat on me !! He threw it all back in my face!! He carried on as before but even more cleverly!! He confused me.. hurt me.. and threw me aside!! Where is his family's support for me now? I feel mortally wounded.. but better for writing it down. I feel that this thread has run its's course but am ever grateful to all who have replied and kept me going. Angelheart3 should be nominated for the biggest bouquet ever.. she supports many on the entire site.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 223 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/10/2008 3:39:19 PM
Thanks Angelheart3 for your positive attitude towards me. I do keep trying to tell myself the same. It's easier when in different shoes though., while working in A+E I have seen women battered and bruised and then gone on home to the same and wondered what on earth was wrong with me. Now that I am out of the relationship I can see into it. You have made very interesting points and there are times even today I cannot lie that I miss the voice, the smell, the smile but then I wake up and shake myself . I long for the day when he is no longer the focus of my thoughts and I know in time it will come. The lady who messaged me.. I just wish that you could of read her mail.. I encouraged her to draw strength from us and advised that only she could make the choice to stay or leave. I know that if my ex had not moved out I would of found it harder to make the break. It was only when he continued to abuse me on a daily basis and then leave .. laughing at me in my confusion as to what was going on that I suddenly gained the strength to report him and mean it this time. By going to court I am giving him a message : that whatever the outcome he will know without a doubt that he can never ever abuse me again!

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 221 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/10/2008 1:00:13 AM
I received a message from an English lady living in Nevada, What she told me was very concerning. She is in DANGER. Like all of us she thinks that she can help him and that he broke her hip '' accidently'' No it wasn't accidently and next time you may end up dead. I know that you have read this thread all the way through and realise that we may have something in common. Please read all of my replies over and over and try and be strong enough to make the break. And keep in touch with all of us on here.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

Loneliness Posted: 6/9/2008 1:41:44 PM
As I have said to you before crayonzz You have one big chip on your shoulder.

llynass

Joined: 4/20/2008

Msg: 215 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/9/2008 9:46:18 AM
Bless you Angelheart3. You are the salt of the earth.. I hope that you know this.

Show ALL Forums