emotional squared circle - do you experience that too? chat & forums.

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misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

emotional squared circle - do you experience that too? Posted: 9/16/2008 3:02:26 PM
You might be better off just having what are called f**k-buddies until you decide what you really want- no comittment there, just companionship, physical or otherwise, when you want it. Or, get a cat- they are pretty independent, yet are company...

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 135 (view)

Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner Posted: 9/15/2008 12:34:55 PM
An excellent book for those who want to delve into the whys & wherefores of abusive relationships is: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft. I read it & have about 2/3s of it underlined- fit the one I was with to a "T"- highly recommended, & part of the counseling I went thru to understand the ramifications of what I had been involved with. It is hard to understand if you have never been there-

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

PLAYERS DECODED Posted: 9/15/2008 12:29:03 PM
There are players of both sexes- it has nothing to do with gender. It is all about ME, to them. I think such people are afraid of true intimacy with another- afraid to be totally open & honest about themself with another. I actually feel sorry for such people, even tho I am also aware that they can hurt others badly. What an empty existance it must be, to be a player-I will also add that the red falgs you posted are good warning signs that there is a potential problem with that person- they may be players, they may have some other problem. But there are flawed people ou there...and until you develop a personal radar to filter the true from the untrue, you are apt to be hurt, at least once.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 99 (view)

Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner Posted: 9/10/2008 7:06:19 PM
Point taken Beau- It is hard to understand all the dynamics unless you have been there- once was enough for me...& you'd be surprised how insidious it is...but I stand by my word of saying the abused woman is not to blame...you see, she tends to think that if she was only better, or more pleasing etc...he would not be that way..she wonders what SHe did to cause this behavior...it is part of the mind games that go into the making of an abusive man- they feel entitled to do what they want, & they relish control. And- they lie alot..really can make you mixed up...I hate the word VICTIM- I have been abused by one man, but do not consider myself a victim. Rather I learned. And am stronger, & wiser now.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 387 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 9/10/2008 11:53:38 AM
I have to say, that, thanks to counseling that was excellent & much introspection, I am done with that type of person- will also be aware of warning signs ...it was my first & last relationship of that type- I got away, glad i did, I was in my 40s when I got involved with this man & was shocked as could be when he hit me the first time- I had never been around violence...& never will be again. I really thank the Battered Womens Project in my area.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 92 (view)

Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner Posted: 9/10/2008 11:44:51 AM
Beau, I shared that view once- was always rather contemptuous, as you seem, of women who put up with such a thing- I always said i would #1- fight back and #2- i would be GONE & never return. I have only had one abusive relationship- but I shall never forget it- It involves so much more than simple hitting or whatever- it involves mind games & deviousness & promises to "change" & "please come back, I love you & am so sorry, it will not happen again" etc. I left my abuser the first time he hit me...I went back for I believed him, loved him, wantd to work things out. I sought counseling for us both. The abuse was not continual, & you get lulled inmto thinking things are improving. If you genuinely love the abuser, & are the kind of person who forgives & does not like to give up, you are apt to keep giving them chances... I did that for longer than I should have- am now finally GONE for good- but I wanted to say...it is not all black & white & simple as you might think. I will also say, that YOU can be arrested if you hit back- at least in my state...there are alot of varieables here, so please do not be so quick to judge-

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 382 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 9/9/2008 2:36:20 PM
I agree with the not fighting back- a few times, I scratched my abuser- I could have tried to do something like goudge his eyes or kick him in the balls or somethimg like that- but believe it or not, I did not WANt to really hurt him, just get away. also I was afreiad he would really hurt me if I treid & failed at any of the above I mentioned. As it was, when i scratched him ( & onlt did it about 3-4 times) he became even nore angry & the violence just got worse- for me. I fiannly just tried to steer as clear away from him as one can when one lives with such a person- & left after he went to work...to my shame, I came back more than once- I wanted so badly to believe he was remorseful & loved me etc. In the end, he gradually escalated & in a way that was a blessing- he tried to choke me, for no apparent reason I ever figured out, as he woke me out ofa sound sleep to do this- i got away, & he was arrested & I will never go bck to him again- the cycle was finally broken. So- if you choose to fight back, be sure you can REALLY disable them..& there is a fine line between that & between really injuring someone bdly, & YOU could either end up in jail yourself, or else so enrage him that who knows what he might do..mine was enraged enough...

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 117 (view)

3 Months, no sex? Posted: 9/7/2008 11:14:38 AM
You need to ask her...simple- you state what you want from your relationship, she states what she wants...then you can both decide what kind of relationship it will be. There could be all kinds of reasons why no sex for her...most of which have been expressed on this thread- I say, sit her down & get it out in the open, then you , & she, can decide where, if anyplace, you two want to go.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 76 (view)

From one relationship to another Posted: 9/6/2008 6:25:16 PM
CNC said it best..in my experience I am leery of those who hop straight from one relationship into another..makes me wonder how shallow they might be..I am not talking about dating here, but a true relationship that ended. A person needs time to mourn & reflect when something serious ends- also, people that do that make me wonder if they are afraid to be BY themself- again, not talking about dating & friends & getting out there- in fact those are healthy...but the ones I have seen that go almost from one bed to another, without giving themself time to get over past issues, will see the same issues pop up again & again.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

It's raining Posted: 9/6/2008 6:11:15 PM
I am serious when I say this- go out & play in the rain- you will feel less alone & more connected to the earth. It always raises my spirits.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

When You Stop Looking You Will Find What You're Looking For. Posted: 9/6/2008 3:11:48 PM
I agree with these posters- also will say that I was not at all looking when I found my last relationship, it just happened, I believe in fate, in that I believe certain people are destined to come into our lives whether we search for them or not- what we do after that is free will..but I really believe that . meanwhile, enjoy yourself, learn & grow & live life.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Prenuptial - maintaining physique - is it reasonable? Posted: 9/6/2008 3:03:28 PM
So what you are saying is that things like looks & wt gain is tantamount to you...? If she becomes ill or gains too much wt with pregnancy it is OVER? Who would want to marry such a shallow man anyway???? I must say that a prenup like that shows a persons real values...

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Confused: What did I do wrong? Posted: 9/6/2008 2:57:44 PM
he sounds like a problem child to me. Let him go

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Things have changed Posted: 9/6/2008 2:50:12 PM
tell him what you see to be an issue...communicate. There is no easy way to let "someone down". if he wants a future & you don't, let him know. leading someone on with false hopes only adds to the hurt later. tell him now.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 78 (view)

My ex is writing other women on dating sites about me Posted: 9/6/2008 3:14:36 AM
Yes, it happens...both women & men warn others about bad experiences they have had- sometimes the warnings are valid, sometimes not. It doesn't even have to be by net...as I said in another posting, I live in a small town & word gets around easily--you have to take each situation individually- sour grapes or actual facts...

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 108 (view)

Would you date a guy that believed in UFO's Posted: 9/5/2008 3:28:29 PM
Sure. I like people who are a bit different anyway.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 72 (view)

Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?! Posted: 9/5/2008 3:21:29 PM
I think everyone is recovering from SOMETHING- & I don't just mean drogs or alcohol either. I try to take each person as they are. past mistakes are past. It is who they show themself to be NOW that counts.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 82 (view)

Pick one: Love or respect Posted: 9/5/2008 3:06:42 PM
Respect is part of love. can't have one without the other. Period

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

He Could of Told me he was married............. Posted: 9/5/2008 3:02:53 PM
I agree with libithoney 100%- be glad that you had this experience in that it taught you you are still capable of FEELING. You will find someone else. there ARE real people in the world- I have to say this guy sounds as if he has his routine well practised. You were vulnerable & he was wrong to take advantage of your vulnerablity- that makes him a predator in my eyes. Be glad you found out when you did, be glad you can still feel, be glad you learned that this kind of person exists so you will be more careful next time- and go on.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 76 (view)

My ex is writing other women on dating sites about me Posted: 9/5/2008 2:50:05 PM
Wwas "only" saying how this guy was a womanizer, had tons of debt, was a neglectful dad, etc. Don't get me wrong, this is bad enough for most women to perhaps be scared away.....but the story you relate could ruin a guy's reputation for sure. People seem to believe what they read on the internet, especially if it falls under the guise of "insider information." If that is all she is stating, then she is only expressing her opinion- that is all...alot of exes say that kind of thing & if I see something like that i attribute it to sour grapes-type stuff. Something like a criminal record is different- THAT would be something that is documented public property anyway & could be easily proven or disproven- & if NOT true, your friend would indeed be able to obtain legal help. But if it is only her opinion- ie- he owes alot of money, is a womanizer etc...well so do lots of other men, & so what? i would not blame him for being hurt, but I would also say "just go on with your life". Now if she is doing this over & over again & utterly harrassing him, perhaps he could d something more...but we are all free to express our opinions..untrue staements are a completely different thing. He needs to get on with his life 7 be glad he got away from her. Last, as I have kept reading what you have written about your friend, I get a hinky feeling that there is alot more to this than you know, or have said..just a feeling

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 46 (view)

Widows and widowers...Is there a best way to get out there? Posted: 9/4/2008 3:54:15 PM
Some people are afraid of death issues. Some people are so insecure that they do not want to be compared to the spouse that died. For the first type, perhaps it is best to steer away from anyone who cannot understand what you went thru. For the second type, regard it as a red flag- do you want someone that insecure? last- GIVE YOURSELF TIME. To grieve & to heal. I lost mine to an accident- we thought we had forever- the grieving took years. As I said in an earlier post, you love different people in different ways...I have found it is possible to love again...but it took years for me.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 59 (view)

What is with the must not be married ??? Posted: 9/4/2008 3:43:26 PM
I put the "must not be married" on my profile, because, before I did I got lots of mail from married men..it always turned out that the wife did not like sex, or did not give him enough sex, or some other lack- i would end up telling them to get counseling or get a divorce. I appreciated their honsty ( about the being married part I mean- who knows about the real reason why they troll). But I have no intentions of interfering in any way with a marriage, so finally added the "no married' thing. I was surprised there were so many- now, only get the DIShonest ones writing, lol

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

He Could of Told me he was married............. Posted: 9/4/2008 3:07:59 PM
You found out he is dishonest, I am sorry you were hurt, there are nice men out there that do not omit to tell you , up front, important things like their marital status. he sounds like a player to me, sounds like a very accomplished one. You were his prey. I sincerely doubt the only love he has is for himself & getting what HE wants. Some people are like that- both men & women LIE- & hurt others by doing so. next time, 7 there will be a next time, you will be wiser, & probably happier

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 416 (view)

What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship? Posted: 9/4/2008 2:44:45 PM
I am not certain what you are looking for here...admissions of infidelity- abuse, running up huge bills,lies...most relationships break up fro the simple reason of incompatablity. Unless you are with a real sicko, both people generally TRY to make things work. I said on my post, that I believed in him & believed in him too long- that was STUPID & naive if me. I really tried to make things work, but should have stopped believing in him when he threw the first punch. i prefer to think of what I learned from this relationship, about myself & others...perhaps this thread should be titled "What did you learn from your last Realtionship". We are all human-we run out of paience, run off at the mouth- run away from problems...some of the time. if you really love someone & have a comittment with them, you still TRY to work things out. It may be that only those of us who really tried, & WERE too nice & forgiving etc..are the only ones really responding to this thread. I, at leasts, from reading what I have read here, see that most people take relationships seriously.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 34 (view)

What Do I Do... Honestly!! Posted: 9/3/2008 5:21:04 PM
Honestly?- First, don't delete threatening messages- SAVE them- also your cell phone company can provide records of calls received to back you up. Secondly, tghis hasn't been mentioned, but I suggest it because your story seems so complicated- go to whatever Battered Womens project is in your area- they keep things confidential & are thoroughly aquainted with all kinds of weird situations- talk to a counselor there- they are there to help in thinhgs like this...threats & stalking etc, are ABUSE. That is their specialty- They will go with you to police if that is what you decide to do. The are there for your support. Also, it sounds as if you could do with the help of the counseling they do. Please let us know how you make out...there is good advice being given by the respondants here- I hope you listen.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

My ex is writing other women on dating sites about me Posted: 9/3/2008 4:26:28 PM
I forgot to add in my other post, that a long time ago I was warned about a man I was seeing- this was NOT internet stuff by the way...I listened to her, questioned my new man about it- he told me she was mentally unstable & not to listen to her..I didn't...a few years later, he started doing the same thing to me as he had done to her- same pattern exactly...in other words, it turned out she was right... so, who knows what the truth is with your friend. I will take note of anything I am warned about...but still make my own deisions...that was a wrong one, but I learned from it. Years later, I ran into this woman & apologized for not taking her seriously & thinking she was unstable.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 39 (view)

My ex is writing other women on dating sites about me Posted: 9/3/2008 3:54:30 PM
What she is doing is wrong, UNLESS she can back it up with facts & documenttion. Also, if someone sent me an Email like that I would certainly study it, try to decide whether it was someone with an axe to grind, or someone with information that can be validated- in other words, would not take it at face value-in the end i would make my own decision. Would probably make me stop & think, tho. If she is just stating her opinion of her ex, that is all it is- HER opinion- if she is citing facts that can be documented, perhaps she has good reason to warn others.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 411 (view)

What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship? Posted: 9/2/2008 5:50:06 PM
Like message 404- I believed him & believed in him far too long....I was stupid & vulnerable, I guess.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 853 (view)

Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist? Posted: 9/1/2008 4:14:28 PM
Yes,he was diagnosed as one after alot of abuse...needless t say i am not with him anymore...plus, & this gives me the shivers, he is on this site...is very charming...

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

What is with the must not be married ??? Posted: 9/1/2008 9:59:00 AM
Actually, the ones who admit they are married are at least, honest- it is the ones who ARE married, or heavily involved, that lie & say they are single or divorced, that get to me. I too have no want or need to be involved in a circimstance which can only lead to hurt & anger for all involved- that includes the cheating one, the cheated -on, & the third party. Plus, it is tacky, the dishonesty is dishonerable, sleazy & tacky. If he will cheat on whomever he is with, count on it- he will do the same to you. best to not go there.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 68 (view)

Why do woman do this Posted: 8/30/2008 3:44:41 PM
get counseling or get divorced- neither of you are happy that way. I am aganst cheating, period. Not a way to solve problems & leads to so much hurt...on everyones part.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Widows and widowers...Is there a best way to get out there? Posted: 8/30/2008 3:35:58 PM
i will put i this way- you never really lose someone you have loved. but you do learn to go on, grief is a private thing & there is no set time period for accepting it. you do not forget, rather you incorperate the love you had, into youself, & gradually learn to go on. And you can love again- you will see that as each person is n individual, your love for each person you love in your life, will be different. As to 'get out there"- you will find that life will pull you out there sooner or later- just be kind & patient with yourself.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 79 (view)

Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner Posted: 8/30/2008 3:09:16 PM
answer- yes, terribly so...& he is a member of this site now...I feel sorry for anyone who encounters him. i did not meet him on this site, & POF has no real idea of the kind of people who sign up here..he lies on this site also...among other things, he says he lives in caribou Maine, when he really lives in Presque isle..that is all i will say, but he is dangerous, has many issues with women- I was not the first, guess I will not be the last. do not undertsand people like that...he is/was, very charming.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 271 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 7/1/2008 9:02:47 AM
I am getting on this very late & do not know all the circumstances, just know that I have been through a similar situation- it is so hard to go to court, I was fortunate enough to be supported by The Battered Womens Project in my area- they know all the ins & outs of court proceedings & were wonderful. i also will add that going to court, no matter how stressful, is a part of the healing process, or at least proved so to me. And yes, he will tell lies, who wants to admit their cruelty etc? They almost always lie. You will have to hope that the jury knows who to believe. You will be in my prayers, there are mny of us out here who knows what you are going thru.

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them? Posted: 5/19/2008 11:24:37 AM
I too am a survivor of an abusive relationship- my first & LAST one. After alot of studying & counseling I have learned that the mindset of an abuser is that he feels "entitled" to be abusive. It is all about control & using intimidation & both verbal & physical abuse to control & manipulate. There IS help- but the abuser must gain insight into his problem & want to change. He must be genuinely remorseful . he must grow in understanding of what made him act that way in the first place...generally people who are into control are that way because they are afraid & insecure. In other words, to change, the abuser must come to have great understanding of his motives- not everyone wants to do such work. Recidivison is high for such people, as they cannot lose the need to control- too frightening for them I guess. I have since learned the warning signs of a potential abuser & I hope the one reltionship I had with one, will be the last. No one should have to live through such...

misticmaid

Joined: 4/21/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

What is with the must not be married ??? Posted: 5/19/2008 11:15:46 AM
Even worse, are the men that ARe married & pose as being single...I have met 1-2 of those. You can never trust someone who lies on his profile. Sure, we want our profiles to look "good"- but lying about the marriage thing shows what I call a dishonerable character, & I steer clear away from those.

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