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 Author Thread: Trust issues, is it the woman or the man?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Trust issues, is it the woman or the man?
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:37:44 PM
I personally am up front with most of my feelings and thoughts, so I don't give a guy a reason to doubt my integrity as far as trust goes.

If I am dating a guy that tends to be a withholder, I get a gut feel for it and it is uncomfrotable for me.

My friend, who knows himself well, and has decided that he doesn't want to be dishonest with the woman he will spend the rest of his life with actually chose to give her all of his email addresses and passwords as well as his message password on his telephone(s) and gave her full access to every bit of his business. She didn't ask for it, but he gave it to her because he knew himself well enough to trigger a reaction in her as a result of his actions. I was surprised, but knowing myself well enough, I'd like that in a man who felt confident enough to show everything there was to show about himself.

I am sure I would get bored checking him out and waisting so much time, but the mere fact that he trusted me enough to give it to me, would alleviate any trust issues I might have as a result of my own thinking and clear a path to a better relationship.

I don't understand when a guy does get angry when a woman asks about those things to be honest. If the answers remained the same and the behaviour was consistant, then that aspect would most likely just drift away, no?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Trust issues, is it the woman or the man?
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:21:25 PM
I have a really nice male friend and we got to talking about why guys tend to either blatantly lie to women or basically choose to leave things out by not disclosing things to her.

An example would be when a man has fantasies that he is worried may turn the woman off, so he just doesn't tell her about them and cheats on her to have the experience he wants to have.

Now my friend says that it is because he has experienced a situation where he suggested something to his ex-wife and her reaction was *eeeeewwwww*. He felt humiliated and his drive to have sex with her dwindled until they obviously split up. He carried on with different relationships but had difficulty being faithful in them due to the fact that he feared loosing the woman if he was completely honest.

So the question to men is, do you withhold your deepest thoughts, fantasies and activities from your partner in fear of loosing her or her judging you? If so, please explain why?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 670 (view)
 
Introduce Yourself Here....
Posted: 8/22/2008 11:24:35 PM
Hello,

I am out here in Vancouver on business and would enjoy meeting other like minded people. Staying near Hastings park.

I love to play and have fun, laugh and discover as many new things that are there to be discovered. Been there, done that and still wear the tee shirt. IOW, I don't have anything to hide and would love to meet someone who takes responsibility for themselves and has a desire to find the little boy in him and let him out to have some fun.

I don't have it all together, I am not perfect, I am what I am and have come to accept that what I am is great! A coffee, good talk and some special time spent together, filling the blank space in woud be a great way to spend my spare time while here in Vancouver.

Thanks for taking the time to read my introduction.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 59 (view)
 
High level of energy over 50.
Posted: 7/31/2008 5:48:31 AM
I am 57, just finished working 6 weeks 15 hours a day and I feel great! Now, on my time off, I go to bed whenever the thought hits me and I rest.

I think like others it is all in the attitude, if you don't like what you are doing, it is hard when you are over 50 and haven't yet found what makes you tick.

And although you may disregard the positive attributes of eating well and taking care of your body, it is one of the most important things to keep on doing.

A year ago last May I went to an island in the sun for 5 weeks, it changed my life as well. I realised my life did not depend on my surroundings but on how I thought about my surroundings, my energy level is good these days, I don't feel to tired to do the dishes (although my house could use a good cleaning since I've been away!). It just makes sense to look for the good in what is going on in your life and then the energy will draw you to be active in it.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:28:38 AM
Pick a spot, and become the best in the world at it. Fact is, time goes by regardless. So what do you want to do in the mean time? This doesn't mean you have to do school full time either. But a few good crash courses will do wonders for a career. You can even get a discount by auditing courses instead of looking for credits (sit in and do the work, but without the exams). And most businesses would scoop a fresh adult before a new grad, and fast track them to boot! Maturity in business is in short supply these days and is worth its weight in gold. I assume that the baby boomer problem is the same in the States as it is for us in Canada. If so, you'll be happy to know that 60% of management will be retired in the next 5 years. Opportunity isn't knocking, it's leaning on the freaking door bell!


sam-spade, I really like your message above. As a woman who has been in business with the same partner for over 30 years and now that partnership is rounding down to a close, I've been quite discouraged by the fact that I didn't think I'd be able to find something else to do. While I am excellent at what I do, it is a specialised business, one that would probably transfer well into other industries, but at my age it isn't easy to believe that people will respect the experience that comes with years of hard work!

As for the OP question, I've often been questioned right off the bat about what my financial status is. I am not about to provide a financial statement to someone who is fishing to find out if I am capable of supporting myself, if it isn't apparent after 30 years for bringing up 3 children without child support, then I don't think the person is deep enough to know much more about me.

As for my financial position vs his, well I guess for me it would have to do with what he has to bring to the relationship that is honest and genuine.... the roller coaster can dip for reasons other than irresponsibility, I'd have to know a person well to give an educated opinion of the situation.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 134 (view)
 
We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:37:14 PM
Response to Message #36 - yoodle


...when they shut down at the mention of making plans, or you notice a trend that plans are consistently squashed by...a nap, an unreturned phone call, a timely spat. Not once, not twice, but consistently.

That's baggage. And the quote at the top of my post is baggage. Having a woefully annoying parent/sibling/child--many times you can't control your relatives, but you can hopefully express a willingness to create a separation from them. Things like substance abuse (or those gung ho recovering substance abusers)...who can't DIALOG about anything BUT their favorite failed crusade..that's baggage.


Perfect way of putting it. I don't think I'd last 6 months though waiting for them to get over it.... sometimes baggage is when a person can't get past *waiting* for someone to get over it.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 65 (view)
 
We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:58:00 AM
OP/Jim

You are not your ordinary man on POF, at least not they types that I've met. Very often men do not want to indulge with women that do have baggage. As Aleyrebel stated it is a rather shallow state of affairs when a man says he doesn't want any *strings* and/or baggage attached.

I think though the trick is to keep yourself at arms length from the *old* baggage is important. Some people can actually be so familiar with being in trauma/drama that they create scenarios that give them the 'fix' they need to feel normal for what normal is.... that is the type of baggage I don't think anyone really wants to deal with, while on the other hand, confronting that type of behaviour is the best thing one can do for a person. And I don't mean by confronting, by rejecting that part of a person but to identify to the person in a way that they can hear it as being empathetic, yet not allowing for dependency is something that can be helpful.

It sounds to me that this woman was just what you needed to learn to keep your distance in situations like that while not compromising your desire not to disclude someone who has been 'through the mill' and has learned and/or is willing to deal with their baggage, when it is pointed out to them.

I was involved with a man on POF who was upfront about No Strings. Whenever there were issues that came up in my life, it seemed to me he would withdraw and let me sort it out on my own. This worked until one time when we had something planned and I had a situation come up that was unavoidable which involved some baggage (nasty business partner), I had an adverse reaction to my own situation and transferred it onto our relationship. It was cut and dried for him, he had no tolerance for that aspect of my personality and said we were over.

Naturally I felt disappointed, I'd so looked forward to spending more time with him, but to be honest, once I'd processed the loss of having him in my life daily, I realised it was a blessing to find out now that he was not going to accept ALL of me and that he didn't have it in him (nor maybe did I) to work the issues out and continue the bliss of our relationship. I am grateful for having had the time with him and also really happy to know that I have that tendency to transfer my bad experiences onto others which hopefully when that happens again (and I think bad experiences happen to everyone), I will also be able to try alternative ways at expressing my feelings rather than taking them out on other people.

That to me is baggage and two people have to be of like minds in order to be able to get through it.... like you said, some people have walls, built to protect them from past injuries, quite often they perceive current situations as being exactly the same as past ones and they will not go there..... most often they walk as their method of dealing with it.

The man I was involved with seems to me has his own baggage and I am sad he is gone from my life, but at the same time I am grateful that I won't have to carry on with someone that simply does not want to go beyond the limit he set for himself.... perhaps somewhere down the line he will push that limit himself or find someone he trusts enough to push it for him. Until then, his profile will state NSA or in my mind 'no baggage'.

The discouraging part is that there are a lot of men (and that is from my perspective because I don't look at women's profiles or enter into many emails with women) on POF, think that if they don't deal with it, they are over it. For me, it is easy to tell who they are, just ask a few questions that may lead to deep discussion of feeling and if they begin to talk about the weather.... it is quite obvious they conciously don't choose to go 'deep' enough for my liking. que sera sera
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Finances
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:13:49 AM
I agree with moonchild.

I have often thought about it and would indeed want to leave what I have to my children AND at the same time ensure that my partner is left feeling financially secure until his passing. I'd not thought of putting a clause in where the partner could stay until his passing.

And I've wondered about the reverse situation happening, what if you met someone, decided to sell your home and move in with them, then invested the funds from your home into the new living arrangements (in various ways).... how would you expect the assets to be left to you if your partner died first? I'd have a very difficult time with knowing that I'd put most of my time, effort and finances into daily things that resulted in no asset value.

Indeed it is a tough decision to make. But I do know one thing, when I was with my last partner, I did include him in my will as well as his children. Although his contributions were not toward the tangible assets, his contribution allowed for me to invest in the home which raised the value of the property. I felt that he should benefit from that and let my children know that.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Too much masturbation...
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:03:15 AM
I don't think there is such a thing as to much masturbation, but I have learned over the years, that for me (as a woman) it is a mental thing. I use a vibrator and my hand. Sometimes though, I have a tough time getting off with either and that has a lot to do with what is going on in my mind.

Lots of times I will imagine someone that I've been with previously who turns me on, or even fantasies that I've had coming true, but also I breath deeply into my pelvic area which also helps and sometimes as it has been suggested, I just give it a break for a few days and I find the energy rises up to remind me I've forgotten to masturbate.

I've been using a very powerful vibrator since 1990 and it has not numbed my nerves or made me any less sensitive.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 253 (view)
 
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:38:05 AM

Angelheart wrote:
...and the list is endless.


I just wanted to thank you so much Angelheart for all of the informative posts that you have input into these threads on abuse. It has been a source of validation for me and has served a very good purpose in my life as well, as I am sure other people who have been following and contributing! Thank you!
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 246 (view)
 
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:46:34 AM
Classified....


When I was married to my abuser, it was more like being assimilated by the Borg.


Oh, so true.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Can't see the Forest for the Trees
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:37:37 AM
Strange saying isnt it but so true?


It is very true, so often I am aware that there are other things clouding my thinking and although the answer is clear, I need to hear another person's perspective on the situation just to validate that my experience is real.

It is almost inevitable though that each time I come upon a difficult decision to make in my life, I read that someone else in one of the forums (forests) are posting it and I am able to gleen what I need to validate my own experience, feelings and thoughts. I like it and have had great success at getting to know myself well enough not to want to cling to others in order to be assured that my choices are the right ones.

What I don't like is the lack of interaction between the posters.... so often a thread can be so autonomous that it is seems we are all living on lonely planets, distanced apart from one another. I really don't like the fact that one cannot hug or touch another to let them know they are not alone and sometimes words simply cannot do that.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Dominants and Submissives
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:08:31 PM
Kazot, thanks for posting that, I always enjoy your take on Dominance and Submissiveness.

Today, I am in a situation that I have no choice but to be dominant in that I am not in a partnership of any kind, so I must maintain the roll of the dominant and that is not to say it is where I am most comfortable being.

While reading the above replies, I cannot help but feel the deep down desire to be in a partnership where I am able to be submissive. It is not something I choose, it is something I am and while yes, I can step out of that place, it cannot be changed within me what my sense of being is.

It is always nice to know dominants that have a equal respect for both choices.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:35:16 PM
To me, baggage is when it still affects your daily life.... as in the analogy of when you keep doing the same thing and each time expecting a different result. Many times when someone doesn't resolve past issues and take responsibility for their own actions in a failed relationship, they simply repeat the same mistakes, communicate/or not communicate in the same manner and when they don't get a different result, they either walk or are told they are going to be left.

The idea of no baggage to me is seeing where you went wrong in your last relationship and changing how it goes in the new one.

In my eyes, if you are still blaming your ex, then you are not ready for the next. And that goes for the greiving process around the loss of a partner. My friend lost her husband just over a year ago, she met a man on here prior to the year being up and when the anniversary came up, all kinds of things (emotionally) came up for her, including anger at her past partner for dying. The man that she met was able to be there for her and help her through it by empathizing with her. Sure, she brought that along with her, but it was accepted and tolerated and gently received. It was a small portion of their relationship and has not affected how they feel about one another.

We are always carrying something with us, it takes two people that care enough to put the effort forward to walk through that something to the other side.

Life is just a bowl of cherries!
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Ever Feel Like your Body Betrayed You??!!
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:20:02 AM
I had those kinds of pain and reaction take place up until a year ago. It is horrible, the pain is just terrible, I feel for you. I was so fatigued by the lack of smooth flowing digestion I actually thought I would die. So, I packed my bags and went to Thailand on my own self directed retreat. I was lucky enough to find a really lovely hotel where the women that were running it took care of me for the month, gave me all fresh squeezed juices (when I went off my 7 day water fast) and when I introduce food back they made me the best food. I began doing yoga (which helps really a lot with digestion because of the poses) and I swam every day. I also learned, while in Thailand of a tea that they make there that has done wonders for my intestinal track.

Today I am 35 lbs lighter and I have the energy I need to do what needs to be done daily.

Good luck, now that you know what is happening I am sure you will have your body back to it's old self soon!
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Need sum advice on revisiting the past
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:59:21 AM
Go for it. Single parenting is difficult, but as long as you are dating responsibly and ensuring proper care for your child at all times, you are suppose to enjoy life,. You get old a lot sooner than you realise and leaving behind missed opportunities can give you regrets down the road.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 367 (view)
 
Do children need a father?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:52:02 AM
I think a child could use a father in their lives, but do the *need* a father.... I am not sure I think they do.

I had a child almost 18 years ago and her father abandoned her before she was born, showed up for a few months when she was 3, but then was gone in a snap when commitment meant showing up when he said he would.

I actually was watching the tv show In Treatment last night and the young girl in the therapy session was talking about her dad abandoning her to go to another state to live with another woman who would not allow her to come and live with them. So I asked my daughter how she felt about not having her biological father around. Her answer was, I never really knew him, the fact that he is not in my life makes no difference to me.

Throughout her life, I've done my best to be the best parent role model I can be and sure I've made lots of mistakes, but I've also done a good job in taking responsibility for the mistakes and for myself and our lives, she in turn has a job, bought her own car when she got her license (of course with my help credit wise), pays her car payments and her insurance payments and is pretty responsible for a 17 y.o. The one thing I realised very early on was I could not always play the role of a male, so when I needed help, I asked for it and/or directed her to male teachers and other males that would *fit* the situation and I was clear with her that she needed to experience it from/with a male perspective. She seems pretty balanced in my eyes.

I think the question should be "do children need both a male and female role model(s) in their lives" My answer to that would be a resounding YES.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 125 (view)
 
Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:49:09 AM
Bassman
I cannot help but want to explain things in a different light to you, it simply just isn't as cut a dried as you have put it. Obviously you feel burned by the fire of your own circumstances, but to throw all the fish back that have had abusive experiences as a result of that is like saying you won't heat the house because the fire will burn you. In effect it is only the ember that falls out of the fire that burns you. (I heat my house with wood, I should know)

What has been lacking in this thread is a discussion of the motive that keeps the cycle of abuse going....

I only see the motive being mentioned in the contexed of the blame or fault being attributed to one or the other in the relationship.

Motive for abusing = fear
Motive for staying and or running = fear

And that fear is most often an illusion of some sort in the context of the psyche.

I am pointing out that illusionary psychological fear is what creates the stories that exist in the abused and the abuser's mind, that hold them in the pattern. That web can only be untangled by the person that weaves it for only they have the ability to retrace where it came from. I think the question therefore is how we can educate them to change the script that is rolling around in their heads.

I can only talk from my own perspective and I don't want to stand in judgement of others (if I sound like I do, I really don't mean to). However, the question being asked is *if* there is hope for the abuser. It seems very illusive to find that answer when most abusers and many of the abused have distanced themselves so far from reality so as not to realise that change is necessary, let alone possible.

I just don't believe that either side of the equation are capable of understanding that they are acting with an intent to harm, rather they are acting with the intent to alleviate the fear that they are experiencing, real or otherwise.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:19:37 PM
What is stopping me....

Well, one of the reasons I am not in a successful relationship is that I am still ending a business relationship that has intense emotional and financial attachment. I thought I was ready, but decided that now is not the time.....

And really the real reason I am not in a relationship is that I've not found someone that is as willing as I am to be in a functional relationship meeting head on whatever comes up.

Good topic WeAre1
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 184 (view)
 
highlighted text - test thread
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:27:05 AM
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 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 183 (view)
 
highlighted text - test thread
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:26:21 AM
test
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Is sex really THAT powerful?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:36:20 PM
1. How many times does one have to have sex before that happens?

I've had two long term relationhships, the sex was the attraction to begin with and I was very attached to the good feelings I got from having sex... so much so, I didn't bother to take a look at the lack of compatabilities.

2. Does having sex once cause you to fall uncontrollably in love?

No, I've done it once and never done it again and never felt the urge to do it again.

3. Is that just an excuse one uses when other factors are in play such as not being attracted to the guy?

For me it isn't an excuse, it is a fact when I don't know if there are other factors in play. The last thing I want to do is hop into bed, give a guy the idea that I am attracted to him (other than sexually) and then have to tell him down the line that I am not attracted to him in other areas of the relationship.... I've been there (without intention) and it would be just plain nasty to do again to someone.

I don't want to have sex with someone just to have sex with someone, I want to have sex with someone because both of us know and are comfortable with where it is (or is not) heading. If that makes sense.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:11:20 PM

bluesman2008 wrote in message #49

Ever hear stories about women who grow up with alcoholic fathers who wind up married to, guess who, another alcoholic. Common sense has nothing to do with. On the contrary, you would think that's the last thing a woman raised by an alcoholic father would want but that's simply not the case. Most of these woman retain childhood fantasies about "helping" their father. But as a young child, you really can't do that so, what's the next best thing? As an adult, go find some other alcoholic to "help".


I really appreciated that post, however I don't necessarily think that the above analysis of a woman growing up with an alcholic father can be so generally given.

I grew up in a family where both my parents were alcholic, I had two older siblings, a sister and brother and then 2 younger siblings. My father worked for my maternal grandfather who was a tyrant, my mother was a victim of abuse growing up. Both my parents were not only alcholic, but abusive and my mother tried to commit suicide at least three times where I came home to find her overdosed and I had to keep her awake till the abulance came - I was 12 then. To top it off, my father sexually molested me as a child (and I won't go into details).

I became an alcoholic, married an abuser and alcholic and got sober and began my healing journey well over 20 years ago. Throughout the years, I sought help to figure out how to build my self esteem. I was talented, smart, capable of making a good living and did so, was a good mother (outside of my drug and alcohol abuse), yet, I could not figure out why I continued to choose men that used and abused me. The self esteem thing, simply just didn't fit, except when I allowed myself to grow into an ugly person physically, mentally and emotionally, that was my comfort zone, that was when the abusers would leave me (I couldn't figure out how to leave them otherwise).

I finally pulled myself together and started on a non traditional healing path which lead me to understand that what happened to me as a child, when my father took my right of passage away from me by molesting me (yes, I felt pleasure there), providing for me and protecting me (a sense of security), teaching me logical deduction (a sense of inteligence) he created a sense of dependency within me, to *need* a man to satisfy my needs, physically, mentally and emotionally. That was the pattern that he set up and last but not least, when he abused me, by abandoning me, mistreating my mother, being sexually promiscuous with other women, molesting me from the time I was 9 months old till I was 12, I learned to believe that that was simply a side dish that went along with the package. I never learned to act independently, I was taught to depend on my abuser for everything, including food, water, sexual satisfaction, mental stimulation, everything.

Normal children are taught to become independent, I was not given that opportunity, I had to learn it for myself. Those of us who missed that boat through no fault of our own, usually go one of two ways, we become the victim and stay the victim until we somehow peel back the layers enough to know the truth. Or we become abusers and deny that there is a truth to know, we use other people to keep our dependencies going and contrary to popular belief, abusers do NEED their victims, that is why they loose control, because they cannot stand it when a victim begins to find their independence.

As for the OP's question: Is there hope for them?

I hope so, because there is no shuttle ship to take them off to another planet, so we don't have to face them every day. Denial is a ship that carries people to the next port of destruction.

I started my post by saying that my experience is a generational thing, while I don't think that I can help or change the abusers in my life, by changing who I am, how I interact with abusers and what I do in my own home to teach my children to be independent *may* give hope to reducing the number of abusers in this world.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 83 (view)
 
Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:17:32 AM
newyorktomboy wrote:

SHe feels empowered bacause she fought off 2 abusers and there for she somehow is a survivor and the rest of us are pitifull victums because we don't beat the crap out of the abuser


I am sorry, I just do not see that aspiring angel is saying that. I read her account of what she did, that was her form of change and defence, that was HER choice and I don't get that she is projecting on anyone else that they MUST do what she did.

What I do read is that we all have choices to stay and take it (victim) or to take ourselves out of situations that lead to the abuse (survivor).

There are many paths that lead to the other side of the forest. When walking through the forest, each crossroad bares a choice. Which one that is taken is solely the responsibility of the traveler.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:50:44 AM

I guess when you have done all that you can do and gone to everywhere that you are able to go to to keep yourself busy and occupied....there comes times that you simply have to feel the loss....and the pain .....its healthy by the way and will lead you to healing....so dont fight it too much...just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you wont feel like this forever...


I agree with this poster, you can keep yourself busy with distractions or you can actually let yourself feel the feelings that are going on inside of you and embrace them in order to let them go. When I felt the way you feel, I struggled so hard to run from the feelings and it did me no good, because somehow they seemed to catch up with me. Now, when they come up, I acknowledge them and they seem to disapate a lot faster.

I guess no one can tell you what works for yourself, experiment with the advice that is being given, if it works, then use it, if not, try something else.

My freshstart wrote:

How long should you wait before dating again after a heartbreak?


I was thinking about this in the shower this morning, yesterday was the first day I actually went all day without any longing for the person I was involved with. It was a short lived romance and mostly cyber, but everyday there was at least 2-3 hours of interaction via msn or email. This morning I figured out that it is about 1 week for every month I've been with someone. This held true for the most recent person and when I looked back, it was true for the other two men in my life that I am no longer with.

As for dating, if the opportunity comes up, I will take it. I try to be honest with my dates and tell them if I am still grieving, if they still choose to spend time with me, then I know I am involved with someone that has some depth, can realise that the grieving is natural and will pass and as long as I don't *lean* on them for support and I am not overly dramatic about it.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 124 (view)
 
Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:51:36 AM
crayonzz wrote:



She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence.


This book is available on the internet, thank you for the referrence.

When I began looking at my role as a caretaker that was involved with an abusive partner in 1990 (and then realised that I was just as capable of being an abuser). The information available was very limited and discouraging to say the least. Most of what I read stated that an abuser rarely had a chance of recovery EVEN when they made a concerted effort to change.

I read the preface by the auther, which resonates so deeply within my being...

I grew up in an alcoholic home with both parents as abusers/victims, came from a well to do family, walked to school in a well to do neighbourhood and I distinctly remember looking at the doors of my neighbours homes, wishing that just one of them would open up their door, invite me in and tell me they *knew* what was happening behind our front door and that they would show me a different way of being.



Erin Pizzey writes in her preface:

Whether the children of violent families learn to find satisfaction through the inflicting or the receiving of emotional and physical pain, the violence that these people live on is merely an expression of pain. The role of the caring community is to undo this fundamental betrayal of people who have been emotionally disabled by their violent childhoods. By creating a loving environment in which deep internal work can be done to help violence-prone people to understand and to overcome their addiction to pain, these people can then learn to trust and be happy in love instead of pain.


This should be plastered in every women's shelter, every school, PTA meetings and every church there is and any place where people of concious community mind will gain insite that this is the responsibility fo ALL human beings and until we all join to offer a solution, the struggle will continue and the statistics will remain true to the negative side that victims of abuse will turn into abusers and the cycle will carry on.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
My Life...
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:56:11 AM

Is a book written by Eckhart Tolle going to regain the bond i had with my family again?


Yes, if you make the choice to open yourself up to change.

Do what you want, but if you are looking for ways to change, you need to be open to experimenting on what will work and what will not.

As I said above it is a choice, seems you already made your choice to stay where you are, how do you know if something works or not? Please explain.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
My Life...
Posted: 5/19/2008 2:50:51 PM
Hey Reckless,

Yes, I could answer yes to every one of your statements at some given time in my life, I've had to pull myself out of that black hole lots and you know what eventually you are going to get sick of being in *the hole* and get out and keep yourself out. Nobody put you there but the way you think and the only way you can get out is to change those thoughts to positive ones.

Get out there and get some self help books if you don't want to see a doctor, write to people privately and be open to hearing the truth man, you can't get your needs met by letting yourself suffer.... it is an addiction to go there every time you feel disappointed, a learned behaviour to feel bad when things don't go your way. Change it.

Read Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth and no, don't put it down till you have read the whole thing! In it he talks about being addicted to the pain body inside of you.... that is not who you are and you can tell yourself over and over again that there is something wrong with you, but until you recognize that those are just thoughts, they are not *who* you are, you will just keep carrying on feeling bad.

The answer doesn't lie in loving someone else or being rejected by someone else it lies in loving yourself, not the thoughts you have about yourself.

Think about it, if you can feel that love for someone else, you sure as heck can feel it for yourself! Go ahead, look around inside you, don't think about it, just feel it, hold the pain and then let it go, there are no voids in life, something will move in to take it's place, grab hold of the edge, climb out and join the human race, we all go there and we all have to get ourselves out.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 1106 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:08:00 AM
May we know that it is the journey that is important. May we find our own truths and the divine within ourselves and in doing so help our fellow travelers to find their own. May we see each other through spirit and not through worldly eyes. Namaste

I read through many of these posts, am struggling myself with letting go of someone it it seemed so appropriate to share it with those that are trying to let go of their feelings for their past loves.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Cambridge / Guelph / KW - Meet and Greet - Friday, May 16
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:13:41 AM
Hello,

Just wanted to say we (newbies) really enjoyed coming out this week for coffee and meeting everyone. Seems like a great group of people and I look forward to attending again!
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 115 (view)
 
when do i tell her i have hepatitis c?
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:24:09 AM
OP, I was with a guy that didn't tell me right off about Hep C.

Even when he did tell me, after he moved in with me, I didn't have an issue with it.

Then he had to have a year of treatment and couldn't work, so I supported him.

A year and a half after the treatment was finished (and successfule, he was tested free and clear of Hep C), he moved out (at my request because he'd already moved into another bedroom and our relationship wasn't one anymore).

You should get your facts straight about this disease, as much as I read about it, it is unlikely that you will not have to have treatement at some point.... best to have it now, because you have your strength AND the best thing about getting yourself free and clear is that you would be healthy enough, both physically and mentally to have a really good relationship. Thereis a fabulous clinic in Toronto that has had terrific results and as far as costs go, it supports those that can't pay for it themselves.

Otherwise, tell anyone that you are dating that that is your situation. It is worth it.

BTW, I didn't get Hep C, we used protection, as you said it is rarely transmitted through sexual contact. We were extremely careful about hygenics in our household just to be on the safe side.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 95 (view)
 
men who sleep with men but live a straight lifestyle
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:49:04 PM
PardonMeMiss wrote: (message 83)


<div class="quote">If you were out camping with the guys and woke up with a sore ***hole covered in Vaseline, would you tell anyone?

ROFL..... does it matter what sex I am?????


Why would anyone really care if all parties were privy and consenting?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 254 (view)
 
at what age was sex the best?
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:35:22 PM
I think every step of the way, whatever age I've been, I've had the best sex, because each level of the plateau brings a new awareness of how great sex is. It doesn't depend on age imo, it depends, for me on the combination and the circumstances.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:12:07 PM
OP, I love your smile it definately says something about love!

And yes, love exists, it is in all of us, we can't own it, we can't direct it and it does not own us.... it is constant, it heals what ails us and it is easily given and taken.

What happens to love when we can't feel it? It gets buried in the mess of emotions that come up to distract us from the purity of love. Fear moves in to convince us that love doesn't exist, loss creates a perception that love goes when the person leaves, we hold onto our need to make others wrong to make us right and we loose sight of why we are here in this world.

I've had the experience of one soul mate where we reached what I thought (and he validated it) a depth that I've never travelled in a relationship before. Love doesn't go, it is in the soul of your being, and of course it is nice to have someone to reflect it back to you.... take a look at that smile on your face, that is your reflection of love, that is your proof that it does exist.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 100 (view)
 
Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:05:40 AM

At first the honeymoon phase comes right away, the next time it's a little longer. Eventually, it doesn't come and you can wait a lifetime and it'll never show up.


Very similar to an alcoholic and drinking.... first drunk is usually a blast, second time you wake up hurting but had a good time, all subsequent times, you keep looking for the first result, but wind up hurting more.

By gosh, I think there may be something to the fact that we are just as easily addicted to pain as we are to drugs and alchohol.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
When the going gets tough, the tough get going...
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:41:51 PM

Easy for me to say though, I guess, because both my parents died young and I've never been married.


yes, well walk a mile in someone elses shoes, then decide.... it is all about choices, not really about emotions at all. Nobody really knows their limits until they actually come face to face with them.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 465 (view)
 
Is kissing more or less important to you in a relationship as you get older?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:36:46 PM
Oh, my gosh, kissing is soooooo important. The softness of the lips, upon your own parting to the sweet juices of another and the tingling that fills the body, sometimes with an uncontrolable thrust .... ah yes, that is what I miss the most.....

And because I now have a choice, it would be a deal breaker if it didn't happen... I just am not into teaching someone how to kiss, if they don't know, well, they will just have to find another teacher!

If the kiss isn't right, how can anything else be?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:27:20 PM
I think it can be a double standard when a person admits that this is what he/she needs to do because he/she can't cope mentally with a situation. She did what she thought was the right thing at the time, she didn't leave him, he stayed for as long as he wanted to stay in the matrimonial home. and when he was ready, HE chose to move to a place where they had full time care, it was HIS idea to move there, NOT hers.

She loved him, looked after him, carried him as far as she could then said, I can't carry you anymore. She was honest with him because she felt that was necessary.

As a highly emotional woman, as a result of childhood and subsequent *rough* life, I was kicked to the curb a few times by men that *couldn't* cope with my healing process. I know what it is like, but I also know that that is what they needed to do for themselves (although they are still alone!). It is horrible to be in that position when you are left alone and feeling cripled, WHETHER or not it is physical or emotional is irrelevant. I think this man is better for it, will have a much better quality life (what is left of it) and will leave this earth knowing that his wife made sure that his kids were well taken care of by a woman that chose to take care of her needs first.

Maybe I didn't portray it the right way, she didn't just want sex! It was a part of it, but she also wanted companionship with someone that didn't need as much from her as he did. As for help, suffice to say, there just wasn't any.

I don't know if she faced it again in another situation if she'd do it all again, but my thought is that if she did get involved, the fact that she discussed it with her new partner then the two of them would have a plan that they were both committed to.

We all know we are going to die, I have a plan and my children KNOW, that I would never put that burden on them, they have their lives to live as well.... I did that deed myself with my own father, but I would not do it to my own children unless I could afford full time nursing.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 117 (view)
 
Baggage
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:44:24 AM
Ak2FL

So basically you are saying that if a woman had a bad relationship with her father, through no fault of her own, she comes damaged and has baggage and is a write off? You wouldn't even give it an opportunity to *see* if she had dealt with it?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 96 (view)
 
Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:22:51 AM

We are talking about abuse to women. Those women who don't want abuse have to change themselves to escape from it. Their problem is with themselves not the abuser, and once they understand this and leave the situation the abuser is no longer their problem.


I agree with this statement, the abused needs to look at what draws them into situations where they are being abused. No matter what, the abused has to take responsibility for making a change in order to stop the abuse from happening, otherwise he/she will wind up finding another abuser. I personally came from a disfunctional home where I was abused, I wound up in abusive relationships, until I came to terms with the why I did it. It takes a lot of work and self reflection to do this.


So in short, I'm not responsible for your happiness or anybody else's


This is where I agree with you to *some* extent and may I add to this statement:

"I am not responsible for your hapiness or anybody else's, however *I* am responsible for the actions I take that affect another's happiness!"

The latter is where the abuser must be held accountable imo.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:46:16 AM
Actually, now I regret posting it, it is a very delicate subject indeed.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:43:07 AM
Truely royalpain, this is about a friend, I am being honest and I was asked to put it out there.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:32:22 AM
I think she felt that it was the moral thing to do to be honest. They were very close and really loved one another a great deal, she just couldn't continue without getting her needs met and she felt that being honest was the best thing to do. You are right, in retrospect I think she realised that she may have been able to do it differently, but would that have been fair to her, to her children, to the new partner?

She did not abandon her husband in the matromonial home, but stayed until he made the decision to leave.

She went through a lot of therapy, to come to the conclusion that she needed to tell her children and husband that she had to do what she had to do. I know when my father was sick and I cared for him ALONG with 3 other siblings, we had to come to a decision about whether or not we could care for him any longer as well. Why is that any different, I queery?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:07:02 AM
Hello,

I have a friend that was married to a man who was diagnosed with a debilitating disease many years ago. At first she was devoted to him and their children, she worked, looked after the children, kept them in sports and recreation and basically did most of the things that a single parent would do, except she also cared for her partner. The prognosis of the sickness was/is not known and after many, many years (double digits), she finally came to a conclusion that she needed more in her life and that she had to leave him or at least have something on the side.

As her friend, I understood her dilemma and supported her decision, while other friends did not, they judged her and condemmed her for deciding to leave and to top it off, her partner eventually decided to leave the matrimonial home and go into a centre that cared for people with the disease.

Now she regrets having told her partner (whose initial reaction was a terrible bout with depression).

Not only that, she is finding that she gets numerous invites out, but when potential new relationships begin to bud, very often, the man backs off and disappears when she tells him about her past with her husband.

Do you think this is a good reason for not wanting to be involved with someone? I don't understand how someone could judge a person this way, if they had not had the experience or witnessed the experience themselves, can anyone enlighten me (and ultimately her)?
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Topic of sex vs the turn on?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:52:10 AM

men don't really worry about what HER intent is....their own is too strong to get diverted like that


I do understand this about some men, I accept that their instincts are different from women and that 'intent' can play a role, I appreciate this input.

It seems it is the older men that I have met, that don't have the curtesy of taking the time to focus on me as a person they are with and see if it is comfortable with me to go further. Personally I prefer a direct question over flustered flirtatious remarks, I find them hard to respond to.

On one of my meets, I eventually asked one man if he was propositioning me. That definately backed him off and he acknowledged later that he got the hint.

It is an awkward space to be in on your first meet (not even a date!), to feel as if you are being pressured into having sex with someone that you don't even know that well.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Topic of sex vs the turn on?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:24:27 AM
I've been out with 4 men thus far and every single one of them tried to kiss me good night and they wanted to talk about doing more. Sure, I changed the subject, but they always came back to it.

Of course you would want to know what a person's preferrences are before you bed them, I mean what would be the point if you slept with them and there was NO compatibility sexually. Been there done that!

So I say to a person "What are your sexual preferrences." I share a little bit of mine, he shares his, I explain some of mine (because he asked questions), he shares his thoughts and bam, the flood gates seem to open up, he thinks I want to bed him.

I am a very sensual person, love sex, but not with just any person, there has to be a spark. Maybe I am just to open with the conversation.

And I usually pick clothing according to my comfort level, not to sexually attract a man.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Judging me by the shoes I'm wearing???
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:13:02 AM
My grandfather always said you could judge a man by the shoes he is wearing... if they were clean and well kept, he'd be successful, if not he would not....

I always look at the shoes, sorry can't help it.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 75 (view)
 
If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:10:02 AM
I choose not to drink and not to smoke and I keep an open mind about dating guys that do drink or smoke.

My experience with cigarette smokers is two fold... one I was married to for 12 years, he couldn't have cared less how he smelled, whether he inflicted his cigarette smoking on me (ie, smoked in the same area I was in or not) and generally I found him to be disrespectful in that way. The other was great, he always smoked outside, and always washed up thoroughly before coming to bed, so I didn't have a huge problem with it, because he was cogniscent of how it would affect me, OTHER than the lost time together because, lets face it, it takes at least 10 minutes an hour (depending on the number of cigarettes he smokes) away from whatever he was doing. I found it hard not to judge that as being a huge waste of time.

The latter person I lived with also smoked pot and in my opinion he was in a fog a great deal of the time, lacked motivation and so I would not choose to partner up with a pot smoker again.

As for drinking, well, I have not lived with a drinker since I was in my 30's, it would definately depend on the consumption pattern, which I could only get to know. I did meet one man on here that wrote me a few emails and always during the day they made great sense and I thought I'd even eventually meet him, but the patter of written messages, came clear when he would write in the evening.... it was very obvious he was a drinker and I chose not to go any further with him.

I love a good drunk when they are having fun, I don't mind someone that likes an occasional drink, but daily drinkers, would not be something I'd like to expose myself to on a romantic level. I don't drink because I don't like the effect it has on me, why would I want to partner up with someone that *needs* to drink daily.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Topic of sex vs the turn on?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:55:01 AM
Hi Adam,

What a great answer and it IS exactly as I thought it should be. I am not sure why older men especially seem to want to jump right into the sexual nature of a relationship. I don't mind talking about it as you have said, but when it turns into every sentence or every second sentence being a referrence, I draw the line. It just gets so monotonous having to set limits and ask for more of a variety of conversation.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Topic of sex vs the turn on?
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:40:50 AM
Hi guys, (and the women can pipe in also if they want)
So I have met a few men from POF and inevitably the *topic* of sex comes up. I like sex and I like talking about it to, but initially when I am engaged in conversation about sex, it isn't in an erotic way, it is more factual.

I find that men tend to move right into the 'turn on' stage as soon as I open up with my opinions about sex, it is uncomfortable for me to set boundaries after that because I feel as if somehow I have *lead* them down that path. I am pretty sure that I don't talk/type in an erotic way, I simply state my thoughts on various aspects of sexuality.

So my question is this, if a woman simply engages in conversation with you about sex, does that always mean that she wants to carry that conversation into a the physical, in your way of thinking?
 
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