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crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Why do people think its acceptable to tell you its not your fault? Posted: 11/7/2009 12:54:06 PM
You are only going to learn what was wrong from their perception. If they ended it do you really want their perception? They may not even give you the truth because then it is open for discussion, which when ending things is not what a person wants, they want to end it, period. Would you change something about yourself just to be better suited to them even though they weren't interested in working on something or even communicating that there is an issue? What may of been wrong with that person may be what will be right with another person. The only thing we can work towards is being a better person and being true to ourselves. The simple fact is you didn't get proper closure, and if you think about that you don't want to be with someone who is not able to do so so that should be all the closure you need.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him. Posted: 10/18/2009 2:24:57 AM
Silence is the perpetuation of abuse. But being heard by those who cannot cope themselves can be even more infuriating. Even his death will not give you closure, just the satisfaction he cannot hurt anyone else. The pain he caused is his legacy and lives on in you and those he has hurt. Letting go has nothing to do with forgiveness or letting sleeping dogs lye. Letting go has to do with letting go of the negative programing that you are left with and there is plenty to let go of. I like rune3's post. You have a lot to be angry about with the living and him. You have been failed time and time again by everyone who is supposed to love and protect you. In fact you have been more then failed, you have been bullied into making un-supportive decisions for yourself and your own well being, which only perpetuates the violence and the abuse. You will have to find peace within yourself, your family can no more give this to you then they can for themselves. I hope you find some.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 52 (view)

Why is Wife Superiority (Superior Wife Syndrome) so bad for a marriage? Posted: 10/13/2009 12:09:45 AM
All in all, I think the article missed the point that in as much as men want to help they usually avoid so in order not to overstep some boundaries we women have created by the said syndrome. Anyway anyone's take on this? This is spoken in the little things when a man does do something. Although the comment may be small they add up to stay out of the way. No matter what the man does it could be done better, faster, more timely, etc etc... However when nothing is done nothing is said. Which would you pick? To be slowly whittled down to being worthless for contributing or considered a man for doing nothing? Women who think this is a male trait should think again. Well, these women should understand that there are usually more than one way of doing something right and also should learn to accept that everything doesn't have to be the way the want it. There is another person in the relationship and he certainly has tastes, preferences, likes, etc different to theirs. It doesn't matter how something is done, it's getting done and that's the bottom line. Men like to do things, not sit on their arses as suggested. But they would rather sit on their ass then be treated poorly for helping.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

What is the maturity of men 30+? Posted: 10/6/2009 3:27:48 AM
I'm not sure what marriage has to do with maturity. It seems to me most get married to young, often being a mistake. So it might be considered a sign of immaturity if you ask me. As far as financial security... this is a tough one. I'm in my forties and still struggling so I wouldn't see it as a maturity thing, its a knowledge thing. Some people who have money at an earlier age may point to traits that wouldn't be conducive to being in a relationship. How did they make their money would be an important thing to know. Did they make it on the backs of others, get lucky, work hard and save, win it... There are so many ways to get rich but not many of them are from a good ethical stance.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

First Impressions Posted: 10/5/2009 12:56:53 AM
I think it is foolish to draw conclusions from previous experience when it comes to Love. You are right to simply be yourself. But it is also important to know that there is a lot of luck involved in finding someone who is compatible with you. I used to gauge who i am by what i attract and try and fix the things that they seen as flaws only to find out in the end it wasn't me it was them. Not that there wasn't something wrong with me lol... We all have flaws and that's the point. We are human, so why pretend to be anything other then ourselves? Even those with Guru status can be easily knocked off their pedestal by their partners if they have one, why? because their partners know them better then anyone else. You simply don't know when you will meet someone who you are completely compatible with, but the fact that you are not settling means you know which is half the battle. Keep saying no but be open to possibilities. that's all we can do. Nothing worse then being in a relationship that is based on a lie, so don't. Also do not measure yourself by the women you meet in your life. That said you mentioned being opinionated and enjoy debating. Some times that isn't a good thing if it is approached from a negative stance. It is one thing to have opinions and express those and another thing to try and talk someone out of their own idea's thoughts and feelings. Just make sure that you aren't doing that.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 46 (view)

oops! I did it again.... Posted: 9/25/2009 12:58:28 PM
I did a lot of thinking after posting this thread. I think my biggest issue is trust. Not only with others, but with myself. I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to partners just yet. It will take quite some time to hash those issues out. Just because people get it wrong doesn't mean they can't get it right. Where's the logic in that? I think a lot of people who appear to have it right just got lucky. They can tout all sorts of lingo about healthy this that and the other thing but at the end of the day they can make the same mistakes as anyone else. I'm in a great relationship but i still find all sorts of things that could drive me in the wrong direction. I simply got lucky finding my partner. I think the important thing is knowing you can cope with things when you do get them wrong. Because one thing i can guarantee you is you will get it wrong. If you can accept that you have a chance of getting it right as well. Because going no where will get you no where. simple as that

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

sound issue on toshiba satellite A100 Posted: 9/24/2009 12:58:52 PM
I did try the chip set driver's as well. there is a yellow icon in the hardware manager by something called a pci device. I do remember at one time reading something about a PCI bus problem on a forum that linked to a microsoft script that you place on the c drive but i couldn't figure out how to get it to work. Since then i haven't been able to find the information again. Thanks so far everyone, at least it shows i'm on the right track as i've tried the things presented so far.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 41 (view)

How do you get over it all? Posted: 9/23/2009 12:22:19 AM
There is some good advice here. One thing i'd like to add if it hasn't been said yet is that It isn't about being angry at him or his new girlfriend. Its about him and his girlfriend living the life that you wanted to have. The family life... This is how kids end up being used as pawns in a lot of relationships because they represent this dream. It's not because they are yours, because they aren't. They are individual human beings with their own personalities. So i suggest you get clear about your own wishful thinking about the life you wanted. On the surface she seems ok and like you said they deserve each other, whether that is meant in a negative way because of the cheating doesn't matter, they are suited to each other. The life they live is their own. The relationship they have with the children is their own, and the relationship you have with the children is your own. Unfortunately there is the added dynamic of your relationship to your ex and his new partner as well. You can only live the life you are leading, not the one you wished for. Acceptance is needed for that. As for how others have lived... You can only accept that they will live their lives as it unfolds for them, some times that includes hurtful situations. Dealing with the hurts is just part of life we all have to deal with and their isn't much we can do to alleviate suffering.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...? Posted: 9/22/2009 12:17:42 AM
I was wondering what beliefs are holding you to him. and why do people have to be punished for something they cannot help. HE IS SICK! does that mean that he or anyone else with this disorder does not deserve to be loved? Who are you to reward or punish him? Think about this carefully. The simple fact is you are not compatible with him. In my earlier post I made the statement that i had met someone like him and couldn't understand how anyone could be in a relationship with that person unless they suffered the same illness. Some one who is compatible with them. You are not rewarding him by being with him nor would you be punishing him by not being with him. It is as simple as you not being compatible. You cannot help him, nor can he stop being the things that hurt you....

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 55 (view)

Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality? Posted: 9/21/2009 1:38:38 PM
I don't think you can be rejected because of your personality but you can definitely be incompatible because of it making it seem like a rejection if you take things that way.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

sound issue on toshiba satellite A100 Posted: 9/21/2009 1:04:01 PM
It's not the sound driver. I've downloaded both of those files, restarted and the found new hardware thingy comes up and says found new hardware... PCI device Can't find the driver etc... thanks though

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

To give or not to give your phone number to women on this site... Posted: 9/21/2009 12:59:51 PM
Jess it took me a couple of months to even give my MSN to my partner. I thought she was crazy but i had to make sure before i gave her any of my personal information. Those normal types just don't abuse such personal information.... Where's the fun in that?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...? Posted: 9/21/2009 12:28:56 PM
I'm confused why you need to give yourself permission to let go? Who's the boss of you? You are very young but you are also an adult! No one needs to give you permission to do anything much less you need to give yourself permission. Educate yourself on boarderline personality disorder. Its very hard to get this diagnosis. I have met someone with it and my god i couldn't understand how anyone could be in a relationship with someone with this disorder unless they had the same condition. I don't know what it is you believe that holds you back from making good choices for yourself but if you don't start examining that it will get worse.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

what's up with this? Posted: 9/21/2009 9:47:45 AM
My question to all of you guys is,would you write him a letter telling the reasons why you are not interested in communicatin anymore or would you just plain old english not answer his calls? Yeah... what's up with this^^^^ Perhaps he wanted to hear about it in person? If you told him all about it on the phone it would be redundant to talk about it again. Who's being self absorbed here? You have no idea why he didn't ask. Could be that he couldn't afford to do the same thing and was feeling unequal, it could be a million things that stopped him asking you. But perhaps it is best you stop talking to him, perhaps even do him a favour who knows. I'm not saying that it was the right for him not to ask but this is more about how quickly you are writing him off. Perhaps you are looking for a reason?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 47 (view)

Is independence a truly desirable trait? Posted: 9/20/2009 12:07:03 PM
I think the ability to be independent is more important then being independent. Let me explain. I have always been independent in my life to a fault, leaving home at 13 years of age to be just that. I've lived on the streets, slept in cars, etc... rather then get help from others so at the end of the day no matter what i know that if all was lost i could build myself up again without the help of anyone. However being in a relationship presents a different issue which i am finally beginning to understand. Doing things independently or working towards an independent dream or goal changes your focus and gives you less energy to devote to your partner, and can even end a wonderful relationship because you simply aren't there. I moved to the UK and am with a wonderful partner as some of you already know. I am also trying to build a woodworking business from scratch at the worst time in the UK economy and in one of the poorest areas. I could do this completely independently from my partner but to do so i'd have to leave my partner live in my car etc... I know i could do it because i've done it before. But to what end? I'd loose what is most important to me just to prove i'm independent? What would this prove to her? That i would throw her aside just to prove i'm independent? That would feel good wouldn't it... I think this is where independence gets in the way, when we let it get in the way of what is really important. I gave up family and friends as a child because i simply couldn't be dependent it was to scary emotionally and physically. There comes a time however in one's life where being interdependent is more important then being dependent or independent. That balance is a lesson that can be hard learned for those of us who have lost so much of ourselves in our life.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 87 (view)

A Dangerous Perspective Posted: 9/20/2009 11:38:59 AM
Why is Denying our feelings self betrayal. That is only one part of ourselves. What about our values and ethical view point? Wouldn't acting on such an attraction or even getting closer to that person a betrayal as well? If it isn't then i would suspect that you are just a reactionary person who has no substance as a thinking human being. I think feelings are far less important then our character.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

sound issue on toshiba satellite A100 Posted: 9/20/2009 11:30:47 AM
I did find my model on the Canadain site however there is no PCI bus downloads in the driver files. I did see one for vista but i'm running xp. There is no e-mail support on the site either and as i have moved to the UK phone support would be very expensive. Any help would be appreciated. thanks

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

sound issue on toshiba satellite A100 Posted: 9/20/2009 7:53:12 AM
i've tried a restore point and my model isn't on their site. My model number is A100-sk4 or PSAA8C SK4001 Any further help would be appreciated. I don't have a windows disk either unfortunately, it didn't come with one.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

sound issue on toshiba satellite A100 Posted: 9/20/2009 4:04:52 AM
I accidentilly deleted a file on my computer that has something to do with sound. The sound drivers are installed but there is a message about PCI bus missing or something. I have the disk that came with the computer but it cannot find the driver needed from the disk. There seems to be a lot of articles on sound problems that are similar but non that fix this problem. I can't find my computer in the list on the Toshiba sight to get support. Any help would be appreciated.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 45 (view)

Are other countries better at relationships than America? Posted: 9/20/2009 12:19:13 AM
I think we are taught from an early age what relationships are supposed to be like. However when we get older we find out they are not like that at all. So i don't think social conditioning is the way to go at all. What is missing is letting people be who they are. From an early age we are taught if we are who we are we will not fit in, not succeed, not play well with others, not be able to survive. By the time we get to the age where we are able to relate intimately with others we are a shadow of ourselves and i think this is the root cause of failed relationships. Our sense of self is not our own.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

curious about how men view women who use an online dating site as one way to try and a partner Posted: 9/19/2009 11:36:45 PM
I think this is a complex question that is seeded in the mind of the observer. I heard on the radio last week that there has been an explosion of women who are stripping online to make extra cash. One quick google shows 7,310,000 hits on that google search. A quick google search for the word porn yields 210,000,000 entries. How do so many sites exist? and who is exploiting who? You simply cannot tell. Is a house wife being exploited by stripping online? Or is she exploiting men's weakness to make extra cash? I know this is different then your question but it's the mindset we are looking at here. Finding someone who is actually serious about getting to know someone else online or anywhere else is difficult, so one has to realize that there is a dynamic on here that simply doesn't apply to themselves. Why worry about what these men think? You aren't looking for this type of man. If finding someone was so simple i doubt dating sites would even exist. Just because they do exist doesn't mean that all people use it to exploit the other sex, but it is important to realize that some people do use it for that.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 124 (view)

is it him or me?? Posted: 9/19/2009 11:12:43 PM
I don't know is it the thought that he finds girls young enough to be his daughter attractive the problem or is it that he sees other women attractive? Or just that he is thick enough to mention it? What actually bothers you about it? It's no secret that younger women look better, brighter, and livelier, they are younger! But to talk about it, why? Is he trying to make a point of some kind? Or again is he just thick?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Have relationships made you bitter? Posted: 9/19/2009 11:00:04 PM
I guess it depends on how much importance people put on relationships. That would be like asking if you had several bad jobs makes you bitter about life. Life is more then just having a relationship with someone. And i doubt very much that negative experiences such as cheating and pride make us more wise. If anything they close us off from love if we let the actions of others control our own value systems and behaviours. Doesn't sound wise to me. As for soul mates or that special someone we really connect with, i think it depends on how much we let the negative experiences dictate our own expression of self. Someone who is compatible with us won't see us if we are protecting ourselves from the possibility of yet another negative experience, so it probably would be harder to find someone who is compatible with us.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

Can a person ever leave their past behind them ? Posted: 9/14/2009 9:56:36 PM
I think it has less to do with our upbringing than our general character when it comes down to what will make us in the end a balanced person. So what does that say about a person who has a problem with one's past? Think yourself lucky if you didn't end up with someone who does have a problem with your past.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

I have an SO, so why am I back here? Posted: 9/14/2009 12:11:47 AM
You can make choices that bring you closer together or you can make choices that drive you apart. Why take jobs that are away from each other? Why go on dates? And what is this about temptation? It takes time to get to know someone well enough to be intimate in the way that you would know if they are a better match, that much time would indicate you are not putting in any energy into your long term relationship. It all seems like crazy talk to me. Rune brings up a good point about work and the stress that brings on. I would not want to work in a different city to my partner I've done it before but it hurts to much being away. I don't see ambition as something i want to put before her simple as that.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

What kinds of things make a guy bond with a woman... Posted: 9/12/2009 12:20:41 PM
What makes a woman bond to a man? I'm curious because by the opening thread it sounds as though you expect a man to bond quickly. That's just frightening. I would conclude by reading your opening post that you have certain tools you use when in face to face contact with a man that are not accessible online and perhaps that is a good thing because they obviously didn't work for you as you wouldn't of signed up here if they did would you. I think it is time you challenged your thinking. I had a quick glance at some replies that you agreed with and they all have the same theme. That there is something lacking in men. I doubt this to be completely true but do agree that it seems to come up quite frequently to see some truth in it. However it completely baffles me how intelligent women cannot use their logical side of their brain to deduce that their thinking isn't an absolute but based on experiences that perhaps are coloured by your own issues as well as the issues of the men they are meeting. Women say they want to be proved wrong but going into a situation that the default thinking is on a negative slant you will always find something negative to expound upon. People are human and are not perfect but that doesn't mean that people don't aspire to be better human beings if given the chance or the space to be so. If the part of the dynamic you bring to a relationship is as you portray in this thread by who you agree and identify with i'd say you you will never find what you are looking for.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Is there something as being too nice or helpful in a realtionship Posted: 9/11/2009 11:44:39 PM
Given the right circumstances anyone can be pushed to behave badly. Challenging others only proves this point. I've known really nice people pushed to the brink of behaving dysfunctional because their partners on some level wants to prove that all (Wo/men) are either (violent, abusive,cheaters, etc...) When two people relate to each other a dynamic emerges. Each person's behaviours are manipulated by the other whether intentional or not. You can take an abused person and put them with a loving person and if that abused person is bound and determined to prove that everyone is abusive the loving person can eventually become abusive. Is there too nice? I think people can never be too nice but they can be in a relationship that isn't good for them and being nice to someone who challenges them will eventually break their natural responses and alter their behaviour. People thrive in ideal situations, and people cope in inadequate situations, what people do to cope cannot be considered their true nature. So any proof gleaned from challenging them is not a true measure of their true self.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 115 (view)

What's the reward for Chivalry? Posted: 9/11/2009 1:21:56 PM
hmmm how do you teach someone about politeness respect and chivalry? Do you teach them like monkeys to mimic behaviours and scripts to repeat? Even if they got it all right does that mean they are polite? respectful? full of chivalry? Or have they just learned how to appear to be these things? If someone is these things surely it wouldn't matter if others gave them something in return. But if they are doing it because they were told to of course they are going to want something in return. Its all in the way such things are presented i think. I am mostly polite but not if i can't be. I may act polite but there are times i am only doing it because it is easier for me then making someone angry ect. But all other times i am genuinely polite because that's the way i am. I'm not sure about the respect thing, if we are equals we are equals If we are not we are not. To teach people that we are all equal and to show respect will over ride our genuine feelings on the subject. Sure maybe at the core of us we are all equal but non of us express this core truth of ourselves all the time, so why should we pretend? Is that respect? Or an act. As for chivalry i think both sexes show this at different times because we are all equal? lol... well some times both sexes do this. I don't think it is something to teach.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

My boyfriend feels he hasnt slept with enough women. Posted: 9/11/2009 1:04:59 PM
I think there is a difference between ignoring the feeling to sleep with other women and being monogamous. I don't want to be monogamous i simply am. I don't have to ignore urges or suppress my feelings. If you are asking the question then i would think that you are either not naturally monogamous and think that him ignoring the feeling is natural, or you are completely blind. Really think about this, what does it mean to be monogamous? Are you monogamous? Do you have to suppress urges? What were you thinking at the beginning of this relationship when he said he didn't think he has had enough women yet? Did you think if he began to love you he would change his mind? What has blinded you into thinking he would change?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

I like a girl who is going through a rough time.. Posted: 9/6/2009 1:05:03 AM
So far you've done the right thing so i don't see any reason why you won't continue doing so. Nothing wrong with a little compassion and understanding, the world could use a whole lot more. Just make sure that you support her in a way that does not take her own power away from her. Be an equal knowing the same could happen to you or anyone else for that matter. It just happened to be her this time.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 258 (view)

Can you miss someone you have never met? Posted: 9/5/2009 12:53:46 PM
Do we miss Santa, or the Easter bunny? Or do we miss the magic? The sense of wonder? The sense of order that comes with believing that things are what are presented and what that means for the future. For me if it is found to be untrue then my feelings change immediately. It has happened to me before. Meeting someone online and they seem to be exactly what you are looking for and you get on famously. But within one second of meeting that feeling was destroyed. I remember it well. However it took her a long time to be able to move on. So what was it she was holding onto? I believe that it was the life she had planned based on the connection she had created. To me it was as clear cut as there was no attraction so therefore we can only be friends yet she wanted more, why? It doesn't make sense to want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same feelings, yet she was the one who fabricated such feelings through manipulating me to believe she was someone i was attracted to, to what end? Some times we want something so bad that we hold on to what ever thread we see no matter how fragile that thread may be. We all have a picture of what it might be like when we are with someone we love and i think this is a very powerful picture that some strong emotions are tied to. It tends to blind us from the little things that itsmargo talks about in her reply. I used to believe in connections in a bit of a spiritual sense. But now i see it as the way we are together. This is not something that can be fabricated for any length of time. Even when the fuzzy feelings wear off there is something even greater in it's place. But to get there we have to take the blinders off, let go of what we think we know, and simply be. Some times we get deceived, but that should not change us because if it does we have lost a part of ourselves. But that doesn't mean we can't be a little smarter and more responsible with our own feelings and thoughts. So to answer the question, perhaps we can miss the person but it isn't really the person it is only what we have projected onto that person, this we have control over. Oh ps: You stole my alien... I haven't been able to use him ever since i seen you using him....

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

i understand putting your best foot forward, but you can still be honest/real Posted: 9/5/2009 3:01:33 AM
Not all of us put our best foot forward. It's important that people know our quirks and ways of coping with the world. Who wants to end up with someone that doesn't understand us and wants to change us so they feel more comfortable? I see no value in putting your best foot forward. Were not peacocks, we are complex human beings that need much more then pretty feathers to make relating mutually harmonious.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

A measure of mental health Posted: 9/5/2009 2:50:48 AM
I have often wondered how we measure mental health of others. Being on POF for as long as i have i have read so many threads that Point fingers at others for being "unhealthy" but even in their assessment i can detect that they haven't arrived at the level of health they are pointing at or wanting. Thoughts?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

older Posted: 9/5/2009 2:03:38 AM
have you seen the forums lately? snore

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

He's Not Him Posted: 9/4/2009 1:40:59 AM
wow val0214 that's a pretty shocking reply. Not saying it isn't true but to jump to that immediately with such little information shows you have more problems with this issue then the OP. While he could be hiding a darker side it could also be normal behaviour. If he was perfect and never got upset i'd be more worried then if he appropriately got frustrated and angry. But we don't know the whole story and it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. If you've only been dating him a short time I would not tell him what you've told us here as it will give him the information he needs to replicate behaviour instead of behaving naturally. If you have been dating a long time I would tell him how you feel. Simply only be as intimate as you are able with the known information you have. If you cross that line of intimacy without having the full picture just make sure you are emotionally strong enough to cope with all the possible outcomes. If he notices you close off he has the opportunity to ask you about it if it is important to him. If it isn't important to him that says something in itself doesn't it? To often we bring up issues that are unimportant. You are either compatible or not. Adjusting his behaviour to suit yours plays into manipulation and co-dependency. People are allowed to be annoyed and even angry. It is what they do with those strong feelings that speak of their character and show how they cope with life. This is what you need to be observing without interfering. People will only reveal themselves as they feel comfortable to do so, just like you are struggling with. It doesn't matter if he turns out not to be a nice man, what matters is that your behaviour is not controlled. You be you, allow him to be him, in time you will find out if you are both compatible. It just takes time. Don't let your wishful thinking get in the way of making him into something he is not in your mind or through your behaviours that may direct him to behave as you want.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 155 (view)

do YOU see others as they truly are? Posted: 9/1/2009 12:28:17 PM
But, in a wider sense, fear is what makes everything matter. Fear is what makes death mean something. Fear is what makes life mean something other than death means. Now your just playing with my little mind....

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 119 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 9/1/2009 12:17:59 PM
Well since we don't know about your relationship we can only assume that your experience is based on a previous relationship you considered successful. We don't know if that was successful because of the absolutes you talk about or if it was based on the co-dependence that would emerge from such absolutes that you express. Further more anything you consider an anomaly could be of your own choosing based on your limited view of what a relationship should look like or be based on, which could be construed as a manipulation in and of it's own. I do not deny that some of what you consider as absolutes to be partly true, but i do not believe they tell the whole story of relationship. Most of what you describe are activities that people engage in which in my opinion do not represent even the most profound reason for relationship in the first place, just inner workings of what the ego mind needs. Which does not negate their importance but can lead to co-dependence if are the central theme of relating to each other. One thing that cannot be manipulated is true self discovery, which leads to self knowledge. The more we know about ourselves and our partner the more understanding and acceptance can flourish. This leads to direct communication and true intimacy, communion with each other. Love is not about activity or about relating in a way we think is healthy, normal or absolute. It is about the freedom to be who we truly are and express that freely and be loved loved and accepted with compassion and understanding. And even when things aren't beautiful or harmonious it is the knowing that you are on the same team as it were, not being judged or weighed against what should be. Because what ever is, is what is real.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 117 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 9/1/2009 12:59:30 AM
TopChuck, before i reply to your well thought out post, i'm curious if you are still in this 13 year relationship because from your profile it certainly looks like you are single. LOL.. I hardly need to escape from POF purgatory, i'd say i'm one of the happiest men on the forums with a wonderful partner, who also loves hanging out on POF forums.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

Why do women try to make men feel quilty? Posted: 9/1/2009 12:48:15 AM
If said man is clueless it is about time he learned how his actions and communication affects others. Just because no one has said anything before doesn't mean that it didn't have the same affect on them. They could of just not cared enough to make you aware that your a bumbling idiot. The idea that people are completely responsible for their own feelings is a ridiculous new invention of popular pop psychology that needs to be put out of its misery. I think it is a convenient belief that allows people to run amuck over everyone else without any accountability or need to take responsibility for anything they do or say. The reason people use guilt is because it works. Not the best thing to use but when dealing with people who simply can't put two and two together when it comes to cause and effect how else can you make them understand?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Sex & Guilt Posted: 8/31/2009 12:08:25 PM
I can't believe all the responses that think therapy is the answer to this. I think that as adults we do over come our primary imprinting left by our parents through experience and reflecting on those experiences. The OP has expressed that she enjoys sex and is quite clear about the mixed messages she received as a child. She has also mentioned that she felt as an equal when she was with another woman. So there are many reasons for feeling guilty other then deep seeded psychological reasons. It was quite clear that the male experiences left her feeling unequal which would indicate that it may of been a direct response to how they may have treated her after having sex. Whether they said something or perhaps their feelings were observably different after. Some times the most obvious answer isn't the answer, some times there are just coincidences that make things look clear. Only the OP can determine this. However it is difficult if her experiences aren't that good in the first place. The theory of common denominator being the individual does not fit, some times the experiences are exactly what they are. A collection of jerks backed up by a collection of blanket replies to fix one's self when there really isn't anything wrong with the person at all.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Sex & Guilt Posted: 8/31/2009 6:42:27 AM
I don't know about all this letting go stuff. To me it sounds like someone wanting to use you like some sex toy in my opinion. Did you have to let go to be with the woman you were with? Sure maybe you have an unhealthy attitude about sex, but who has a perfect attitude towards it? Someone who is willing to have sex with someone they barely know? I think the right person would be patient and understanding, they would care more about you then whether you are going to swing off the chandeliers with them today. You may of had some bad luck with the men you've had in your life and yes perhaps your apprehension has contributed or compounded the issue but that hardly leads to the conclusion that you need years of therapy and counseling just so a potential partner can have his way with you. If sex was merely an activity, which seems that the majority of people tend to regard it as, then really how important is sex at all? If it is something more then that then the person you will be with will see it for what it really is and wouldn't use it as a means for power and control or a sport.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 43 (view)

Building a new relationship while keeping a friendship with an ex? Posted: 8/31/2009 3:50:02 AM
I know you are a smart person and no one can tell you something you don't already know but i want you to look at something you said and think about it. I do love him, I guess I just know how badly my marriage turned out and what a fiasco that was and I care about him so much that I would rather ALWAYS have him as a friend, than turn it into something more and ultimately lose him completely. In the opening thread you wondering how to move on and keep him as a friend, yet find someone else to be romantic with. No matter who you get involved you are saying that there is a greater chance that that involvement will end. Yet you believe that if you keep this fella as a friend you won't ever loose him? Food for thought

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

ok a little input Posted: 8/31/2009 3:37:34 AM
I also think it depends on the circumstances. However that being said marriage is inappropriate. If she knows what she wants "now" there is no reason to get married. It would be more prudent to see if the bridges can be repaired even before getting back into a committed relationship to my mind. There seems to be a lot of knee jerk reactions to the experiences she been through and i would reflect those back to her and ask her if this is just another one of those. It is ok for people to be confused but it isn't ok to make such a perminant decision based on that confusion such as marriage. Can you say that you haven't been confused before? Surely if you were with her for almost a year there are feelings there. Surely if she was as flaky as people make her out to be wouldn't you of left shortly after meeting and not gotten involved at all? Well and the other issue is that you've moved on....

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 112 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 8/31/2009 3:12:59 AM
If a person is demonstrative towardsa person who has shown they need a lot of personal space, that interaction will be uncomfortable. Just as a person who is closed and prefers much privacy will not want to be around someone who asks extremely personal questions. If a man is faking emotional demonstrative behaviours they will not be uncomfortable as they are trading this "skill set" for something that they want. But the depth of this demonstrativeness would only be found out later on as the relationship develops. Sure they may become less comfortable and unable to reach levels of intimacy that a more intimate relationship would require but they can also end the relationship at that time for different reasons so that no inconguencies would be discovered. The other person is just left with more confusion as they felt they found someone they could relate to and don't understand why all of a sudden the relationship ended when things were going so well.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 110 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 8/31/2009 1:32:03 AM
TopChuck, This quote has perplexed me some so i will need to ask what absolutes you are talking about that work so well for you. I think there are absolutes about relationships, just as there are absolutes in math and science. At least they're absolute enough to act on. I am not a mathematician. But even i know that 2 and 2 only add to 4 because we have agreed to use a 10 base maths system. What do they equal if we used a 4 base maths system? it would equal ten. both are right but only because the rules are different. I only bring this up because I feel I've stumbled on a good reason people do manipulate others through your comments. Consistency, this is something the mind craves. So if we can say men and women are this that and the other thing we can act a certain way and get the same results most times unless there was some anomaly that wasn't accounted for. We can then say that this anomaly was because there was something wrong with the other person and continue doing exactly what we are doing feeling confident that we are justified to continue the same behaviours. So what are these absolutes in relationships that need to be their?

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 102 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 8/30/2009 12:20:32 PM
I don't think we can define a relationship for everyone nor can we say with certainty that any gender differences are absolute. There are plenty of women who would prefer not to be emotionally demonstrative and there are plenty of men who are emotionally demonstrative. This means that the male has to understand and empathize with the emotions of his mate. I think this generalization is what drives men to act a certain way in hopes he will be seen as appropriate to any potential partner. No one has to understand anyone in my mind, you get to know and understand the people you are relating to. When you find someone you are matched with then and only then should there be the opportunity for a relationship to form. I think there is a polarization of genders that drives people to try and be something they are not. There is also a polarization of what a healthy relationship should be which drives people to tray and act a certain way so they may be acceptable relationship material. Very few people want to end up alone. So they either work towards the goal of the latest pop psychological opinion of healthy or they pretend to emulate these traits. The manipulation i am referring to in this thread is the emulating of these traits. I even wonder if a person who is genuinely demonstrative can change to not be within the confines of a relationship because the dynamic of that relationship does not allow this, there for making them appear like they have been manipulative while the reverse is true. The have been manipulated into not being demonstrative by the behavioural responses of their partner. I think we have all been in situations where we have behaved out of character because it simply wasn't safe to be ourselves.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 93 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 8/29/2009 12:49:12 PM
However, now that I am aware of my history of being master manipulator, how does one change? I don't think all manipulation is conscious. Nor do i see being emotionally generous as a bad thing to be. With the right person being emotionally generous isn't manipulative. So if being emotionally generous is part of your nature then it isn't an issue. It only becomes an issue if like you say is used as manipulation. I don't know about creating the right environment either. When two people are equally matched a space to be as you are exists, in fact it enables the space to be more of yourself. Like you say "it comes down to being authentic and true to oneself" My partner and I just had a small discussion on needs. Needs are met outside of the relationship, plain and simple. And if you have a relationship that is based on love and compatibility then so called relationship needs would be met by default unless there was a moment of temporary insanity with one of the partners there shouldn't be much need to talk about those needs. However i think people are addicted to many things that make the natural process of relating a need. Seemingly an dry well that can never be filled. I also think that people get involved with people they simply shouldn't be with making the very foundation that a relationship should be built on non existent there for having to work at falsifying this foundation with attributes that they see as important in a relationship. This is where manipulation comes in, either intentional or unintentionally. I have no needs that my partner can fulfill because our way of relating is very similar. Thus leaving room for us to support each other in getting our other needs met.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

Building a new relationship while keeping a friendship with an ex? Posted: 8/29/2009 9:24:29 AM
Yes people date while having opposite sex friends, but this doesn't sound like just a friendship to me. To me it sounds like if circumstances were different you would be in a relationship with him. If in your heart he was just a friend i doubt you would be posting the question at all. I don't believe in promising in the way you did because I couldn't make such a promise. I don't think there is any easy answer to this situation. Your heart has made a choice and that can't be logic-ed away. When the heart and the mind are in conflict there is no peace, so some choices will have to be made as hard as they are.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 90 (view)

Manipulation or acceptable behaviour? Posted: 8/29/2009 9:13:49 AM
SapphireSteel, The story is a little difficult to follow, but the end result isn't rape in my mind, but i do think it is worse then rape. It follows the same pattern as a pedophile, grooming the target. One has to be careful here though as this is the perspective of her and second hand information as well. One could say it was consensual. I don't understand how anyone would want to sleep with someone they despise, so it hardly makes sense to me.

crazylilting

Joined: 5/6/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

For those who've had successful relationship from online dating Posted: 8/29/2009 8:22:19 AM
I met my partner on POF but we didn't meet in person for about 8 months. We lived 4000 miles apart, so even though there was an online chemistry (meeting of the minds) we couldn't know if it would be the same in person. At first though we had no plan of meeting never mind being in a relationship together, so i would say that there wasn't chemistry right from the beginning. However there was when we met in person. But who knows if we met sooner if there would of been. I think Chemistry is a funny thing. It can be instant for some while it grows for others. I think it depends on the type of person you are and what you place importance on. For me i don't think I would go for anyone i had instant chemistry for as I would see it as an attraction that isn't based on what i see as the most important aspects of relating to each other.

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