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revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Whats the Deal With Ex's Posted: 10/20/2009 12:21:03 AM
You're being used, buddy! You can stay in it, and keep trying, but chances are good it'll be a losing battle...and you're setting yourself up to fall even further by staying in. For me, if they wanna go back, I let 'em go back...they'll figure it out eventually. Some men and women are just a train wreck with the way they end a relationship or situation. I can all ready tell you that you don't have much of the picture and it goes much deeper. She probably knew they she shouldn't involve someone else, but it's an escape mechanism that some use to ease the burden of pain and memory. But then it gets confusing because they don't see the other person in you...and that's what they crave...and they then being to think that going back will make it OK or perhaps come to their senses entirely. This is why rebounds rarely work out. And for most people here, going back doesn't either. My guess is your difficulty might be coming from a bit of emotional manipulation on her part. But to end it, you just say you're done and you stop. It's really that easy. It's dealing with the aftermath that is difficult.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

Can two people who are total opposites make a relationship work . Posted: 10/15/2009 6:55:35 PM
I think it largely depends on the areas where they are different and how those differences manifest themselves within a relationship. If two people are so different and they are focused on having their partner act in similar ways, this will not work. But, if they can come to an understanding, set boundaries and communicate effectively around the differences, then perhaps it may work. But, they need to be nurturing and sensitive to the other's differences and try to see and accomodate the other side of things. I think the biggest factor is whether the differences actually need to involve the other other partner. For example, if one is a traveler and the other is not - this probably will not work because the traveler would meet resistance when wanting to take a trip with his/her partner. Yet, if it were, say,different religions and neither partner felt it necessary to involve the other in their practices and faiths, then this could probably be worked around. The problem with differences, especially those surrounding core values and things that are highly important, is that we want to hang on to those things because they define who we are. When you clash with another on these things, they have the capability of eventually bleeding into other areas of their lives to the point where it can really drive the two further apart. Those differences could also change over time - they could become even wider, or they could narrow. For example, the couple where one is ambitious and the other not. Someday, the ambitious may realize that other things are more important...or, that person could continue on the same path and the other realizes that they want more availability from their partner. I'd say things like this are more prone to widening than narrowing - but everyone's lives are different and a single moment can change someone's outlook in an instant. As for me, I've found more value in partners that I share much with than those I don't. I don't seek sameness, but I do desire alignment in core values and other things that I feel are important. I know when I've been in things that are more conflicted than not, it tends to feel like we both have to compromise so much that these conflicts become bigger than they really are. For what it's worth...

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Into you or right for you? Posted: 10/15/2009 5:01:00 PM
There's an assumption here that I personally don't believe in - that there's this absolutely fantastic "one" that just fits every jagged edge, rounded corner and indentation that I have within my character. I've met those that just "feel" right, but even then, there's always been compromises to some degree. I think that love is just that - accepting another without wanting to change them to be more what you want. In most of my relationships & dating experiences, there's been differences between how that "fit" actually works. Sometimes I'm into them, but there's complications on their end...sometimes the roles are reversed. Sometimes, there's none of that...and it feels right and it lasts...but it fails for some other reason. (Boredom, a persistent issue, you realize that "compromise" was bigger than you thought, whatever...) I don't think it's always about attraction - you can deeply and mutually love, but still realize that it's not what you both want or that you'd simply prefer to go your separate ways. To address your questions by example. A gal friend of mine led me on and eventually I started liking her. Well, by the time I decided that I wanted to pursue her, she was all ready on to some other guy. (Who didn't end up working out and turned out rather psychotic, actually) Well, I ended up moving to another state and she and I got back in touch some time later. We discussed the peculiar situation and how it went...and though I don't want to spill her situation, suffice it to say, it was enough for me to have a great sigh of relief that it never went there. It's not always that way, though...here's another example. A friend of mine's parents got pregnant very young and stuck with one another in order to do the "right" thing. Eventually, it turned out very unhealthy, resentments were held and they ended up getting divorced. It really was the best thing. Well, years go by and somehow they get in touch. Well, they actually start courting again and things seem to be different this time around. Sure enough, they get back together, but this time it's on their OWN terms, not because it's the "right" thing to do. They get remarried and they've been happy ever since. I think more often than not, when it doesn't work out or something fails, it's best to leave it be that way. There are probably unknown reasons...and you're just deluding yourself into believing it will be "different" next time. But who is wise enough to say that's always the case? Anything is possible...

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Who says the friend zone is the Phantom Zone? Posted: 10/15/2009 11:41:19 AM
I don't think there's any universal rule with this. I've been in situations with female friends who developed feelings later on...and I've also seen situations where that doesn't happen. Generally speaking, if I develop feelings, I shut my mouth, keep it in check and don't go there unless I'm invited. I think a lot of people here just speak their personal experience...but that doesn't mean it's the truth for everyone. From what I've seen, there are few principles (unbendable, unchangable facts) in the world of dating and romance.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Maybe we should slow it down.... Posted: 10/15/2009 11:33:32 AM
What do you want with a gal who's gonna cheat on her boyfriend, anyway? You think you two are gonna spark it off and live happily ever after? I don't think so. If it were me, I'd stop seeing her because I don't think that kind of woman is what I'd want and I wouldn't ever be able to trust her. As for you, maybe emotionless NSA sex is good enough for you, but that nagging feeling that keeps coming back is your conscience telling you that you're up to no good.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Being honest Posted: 10/14/2009 5:21:36 PM
Ha! One of my ex's would swear to GOD and on anything sacred or valued that she wasn't lying. Never met a more deceitful woman in my life. It was just outright evil, I tell ya'. And she was a Christian! It goes both ways for men and women...and sadly, it's pretty common these days. I've pretty much come to understand that someone who says their completely honest is usually the worst kind of liar. But the truth is, I think we all lie from time to time in our lives. Obviously, a lie is a lie, but here's something to think about. I would argue that there are actually differences in opinion about what truth and being honest actually is. Is it telling the WHOLE truth? Is it just not saying something that flat isn't true? Is it picking and choosing which truthful things will be said? Or is it simply how one perceives the truth in a situation? I wouldn't generally call myself a liar, but I also know that I don't completely reveal everything with every single breath. Is that lying? I don't think so. Is it deceptive? It could be, but it also depends on the situation, how I answer any questions asked and the reasons that I choose to tell less than the whole truth. Yet, have I told lies and will I in the future? Absolutely. That's honesty...and anyone who says they try to be honest had better say the same thing. That's my 2 cents...

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

My 2 cents for all those broken hearts Posted: 10/14/2009 4:43:55 PM
I practice these things every single time and am ahead of the curve more than most, but it still SUCKS and it still HURTS and it's still HARD. I agree, sage advice, but no amount of ninja skillz is gonna keep you from hurtin' if you really let your heart lean into it. Time and distance are the only things that truly heal. I can confirm, though, that experience really is the best teacher. To avoid some likely future situation, because of something that happened in the past, is probably one of the greatest things about living and learning.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

What is the Worst Thing You Experienced after a Long Term Breakup? Posted: 10/13/2009 8:35:26 PM
Can I say the first three months, every time?!? They are soooo brutal! I think the worst, for me, is a quick moving-on from my former partner. I just don't know how people can hop from person to person like that.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Is 3 cats too many? Posted: 10/13/2009 7:19:51 PM
I have 2 and have drawn the line there. More than that, and it's a little too much for me. If things "worked out" - that would be five or more cats. I'd be afraid that they'd conspire to take over the house and really run things!

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

what goes wrong? Posted: 10/12/2009 8:17:18 PM
I heard this along time ago, and I'll throw it out for kicks. "If you want to be happy in your life, marry yourself an ugly wife!" I don't know what you bring to a relationship, but every time something ends for me, I spend a fair amount of time figuring out what went wrong, why it went the way it did and what I might do in the future to change that. Sometimes I just throw my hands up in frustration and say, "I don't f'in know." A bunch of people in a forum, who don't know you or the situations, aren't going to help you. We offer opinions, mostly jaded from bad experiences...and some wisdom...but ultimately the take away from the whole thing is up to you. Like others have said, this game isn't about what you make, when you pay your bills or how good you think you are. We're governed by laws of attraction, driven by a mysterious and unpredictable thing called love and the moral fabric of today's world is frighteningly fleeting. Competition is high and many are willing to compromise. Pick your poisons carefully and pay attention from day one. Sometimes you gotta pay to play...but if you're not lovin' to learn and learnin' to love...you're wasting your time.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

from good to bad-lies,infidelity,betrayal,commitment issue-but why do i still LOVE her? Posted: 10/12/2009 7:40:57 PM
Step 1: Tell her lovers's partner everything... suggest STD testing.... Step 2: Go out have a few beers.... Step 3: Meet a new girl.... This is why I visit these forums! You coulda just said, "My woman's cheating on me with a married dude! What do I do?" Get out while the gettin's good. Trust us on that one. You didn't do anything wrong...some people in the world are just f'd up like this. This girl's intentions are less than honorable...and unless you want to end up with a chick who doesn't honor boundaries, faithfulness or honesty, putting an end to it is really the best thing. It'll likely go there eventually, anyway. As for what you do to get over it, it's the same things you were doing before you met her. That simple, really. Just give it time and it fades. There's lot's of sage advice on the broken heart forums...check it out.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

Can someone help me out please. Posted: 10/10/2009 2:59:28 PM
I live in Missoula, MT and it's a great little town of about 70,000. Hard to find good jobs though, especially depending on what you do. It's a small college town, so there's heavy competition for relatively unskilled jobs. North of here, Helena is a decent small city and I think the Kalispell area has a lot going for it as well. Great Falls is nice to visit, but it doesn't particularly inspire me to want to live there. All the other places are substantially smaller than the areas I have mentioned. I also used to live in Spokane, and it's a decent city although many are put off by it's "industrial era" feel. There's a lot of good culture there and it's primarily a conservative town. Population is about a quarter million - big enough to sustain a decent economy, but small enough that you're not wasting your life sitting in traffic. The south side of town is nicer, in my opinion...but there's nice places all over town. Spokane is NOT far from Athol. Kellogg is an OK town...but it's next to Wallace (a neat historical town) and it's right in the mountains, if you're an outdoorsy kind of person. The economy is by and large fueled by Dave Smith Motors, one of the largest auto dealers the NW (oddly enough!). It's a nice area, though. Sandpoint is an awesome little town...incredibly beautiful and although it's somewhat small, it definitely has huge charm. That's almost literally "on top" of Athol, though it's definitely further than Spokane is. Newport, just west of there, is also a decent little town...but it's largely dependent on Spokane for it's economy and the economy is largely service based. Anyhow, hope that helps. I've been all over this area, so if you have any questions, let me know.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 80 (view)

When are you crossing the line into adultry? Posted: 10/10/2009 1:22:34 PM
Try this one on for size - your friend could be partially responsible for the breakup of the commitment to the marriage! From my point of view, your friend put herself in a bad situation and has all ready gone wrong. She's deceived herself into thinking that she's done nothing wrong by not actually meeting this guy, when in fact, that type of thing can be just as destructive. Married is still married. It ain't about being the "other" woman...it's about the fact that it's just plain wrong. I don't get the deal with married men/women. What interest could you possibly have with a man or woman that would be willing to cheat on their spouse?? Why would you want that?

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Ever feel like or been a starter significant other? Posted: 10/10/2009 1:08:51 PM
My first love came back to me a couple years after the break. She'd gone out, got married, had a kid, got divorced...all in the span of 2 years after our break. After it didn't work out that way, she initiated contact and it was pretty clear she was fishing. I hadn't forgotten the reason we ended it and I was a little put off by the whole situation. I did still love her...but everything inside of me was screaming that it wasn't right. I opted not to go there and have generally not had any regrets about it. Weird thing is, almost seven years after it was done, we got back in touch and have been able to develop a pretty valuable friendship out of the thing. Those feelings are gone, we've both clearly moved on and it's been an anchor for that time of my life. I've had a few others boomerang on me and have had my fair share of "complicated" endings to a relationship. But in the end, I've always followed through with letting what's done be done. I'll be real curious to see the responses to this one. My most recent ex has proposed a ridiculous situation that I didn't even chew on. She's now pursuing her ex, and wanted to know if we could work things out if things between them didn't work out. Seriously?! What is with people these days?!

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

lost and confused Posted: 10/10/2009 8:56:09 AM
Wow, girl, you've got a situation on your hands. I don't honestly find very much that's redeeming about this guy. I mean, he just doesn't sound like a good person...at all. He's a manipulator, he intentionally hurts you and he's causing psychological damage that you're only beginning to figure out. There's a LOT of red flags going on here, in my opinion. I think what you need to recognize here is that it's not YOU, it's HIM that's the issue here. You also need to recognize that you can't change him...he's either not going to like what's inside and do something to change that, or he's not...but you won't be able to bring that about in him. We change because we want to, not because anyone else tells us to. And you also need to recognize that YOU can change the situation...you're not stuck if this isn't what you want for your life. If it were me, I'd extract out of the situation as quickly as possible...but that might not be the best thing for you and there might be something else that could be done first. Perhaps you could throw out seeking mutual counseling to see if he'd be interested? If not, I'd high tail it as quickly as possible because this situation isn't going to get any better for you. I'm also going to call the kettle black here - you're supposedly "with" this guy, but on your profile you talk about sex with others. I don't think this puts you in any kind of position to complain about him meeting up with some girl. That's my 2 cents.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

texting raither then calling Posted: 10/10/2009 8:39:09 AM
I've come to figure out that there are phone people and text people these days. I'm a phone guy...I don't mind text, but I sense that it's sadly become a replacement for conversations these days. My latest ex was a hardcore texter...and we had conversations over text that in NO WAY should have been held that way. I do appreciate texts - it's great when your in a restaurant/bar/etc and a conversation would be inappropriate or for short little communications when arranging details and things like that. But there's a line that I think some people don't really get - it's NOT a replacement for getting to know someone, it's NOT a medium for serious conversations and it's NOT a means of communicating deeply about anything.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

What's the record for finding somebody new after a loss? Posted: 10/10/2009 8:10:54 AM
The virtue of patience cannot be understated with these things. Lack thereof and you can find yourself in a string of poor choices and it's probably a sign of being dissatisfied with oneself. Too much and you're probably denying yourself opportunities or not taking the initiative. I feel it's important to continually provide yourself with the time for self-introspection so you can make sure YOU are not putting obstacles in your path that don't need to be there. Holding on to things from the past can be a serious obstacle with moving forward. If you're always looking for the "same thing" that you had once, you'll likely never find it. You have to be open to new dynamics, new looks, and a new everything. You have to have an open mind, infused with discernment, in order to find the right things for you. I think a lot of people get into a rut where they expect "Mr/Mrs. Right" to just fall into their lap or come knocking on their door. The truth is, if you don't put yourself out there, nothing will ever happen. Just like with your interests and other opportunities, you had to seize them...love is really no different. You have to be willing to go on a fair number of uninteresting dates, put up with near miserable interactions and you have to be willing to truly seek it in order to find the right things. I've spent three years alone..and did so intentionally in order to properly deal with my co-dependent behaviors. My typical time frame between things these days has been about six months to a year+, depending on how serious the thing before it was. I think I have a record with my latest ex as far as shortness for moving on. She was texting her ex while sitting on my doorstep, begging me to take her back, immediately after I broke things off with her! Hope that works out for her!

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

sorting out normal Posted: 10/10/2009 7:43:01 AM
I think the answers to your questions are largely dependent on how serious the relationship is and what stage it's in. If it's less than serious, these things should not really be a factor...but if it's serious/living together/etc, the boundaries change. It also depends on whether these things are an issue and whether expectations have been communicated in the past. Assuming a serious (long term/live in/ etc) relationship: As far as the lateness question, I think it's reasonable to expect a call if it'll be over the 30 minute mark, but less is probably not a big deal. Habitual lateness can get very irritating, but at least you can expect the partner to be late. I think it's important to discuss timeliness and expectations so you can determine where each other stands. About the day off thing, if you have plans together or are expecting the other to be home, I think it's reasonable for it to be communicated that "partner B" won't be home. But then, if they just went out to get some milk or something and return right away, I think it's probably not a big deal. If they went out for the night or several hours and didn't let you know, that's probably not so cool. The question about lines about what/when/where/who/etc when going out is a difficult one. I think in a "good" relationship, these things will be communicated naturally and it won't be a point of contention. I think it's reasonable to get some amount of detail, but I also don't think you need to know every little thing either. If there are signs of being intentionally deceptive or there's outright refusal to provide any details, I think this could be a warning sign. As for the going out with friends thing, I think the 1/3 rule is probably good...translated to a couple times a week. This is a seriously important thing because it largely defines the difference between co-dependence and interdependence. We all need our "guys/girls" nights out, and we should have those. If the behavior goes excessively that way (4-5+ times a week) then it's probably more escaping than it would be normal behavior. That's my 2 cents. Fundamentally, it's about communication and expectations. I advocate good communication and I think it can stem a lot of things from becoming an issue.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Fishing for you to call him- looking for honest opinions Posted: 10/10/2009 7:06:56 AM
I prefer to exchange a few emails first before I'll send my number along. Even with that, I'll usually put some sort of caveat, "If you're comfortable" or something like that. I just don't like to spend a ton of time at the email stage. I think it easily masks compatibility traits and I think it's best to see how that lines up relatively early on, with the best way to do so being through phone and/or a first meeting.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Why do I care? Posted: 10/5/2009 4:58:54 PM
If you're serious, you gotta realize that it's up to YOU. You're the one who keeps giving in, you're the one who allows it to keep happening and you're the one who keeps putting yourself in that position. You are not a victim...you make the choice. You've done the social networking thing. Don't answer his calls or respond to txts/emails. If you have to, and you only tend to give in when he takes initiative, change your email address, cell and home numbers to further remove the temptation. Delete every reference in your life from him - any texts, emails, pictures, things he bought you, or anything else that reminds you of him. From there, pick up some hobbies and interests that will keep you occupied. You don't have to go out...just have things in your life that will distract you from the situation. If you find yourself tempted, talk yourself out of it...out loud...voice all the reasons why you don't want to go there. Write about all your bad experiences...and then when you're tempted, get in front of that writing so you'll remember. There's a lot of sage advice on these forums on how to get over someone, so I'd suggest you do some digging. Getting over someone requires two things and anyone who's done it will tell you the same things. DISTANCE and TIME. You haven't given yourself either, so it's not a wonder why you're still struggling with this. There is no other way, no magic bullet, or anything else...it always comes down to distance and time.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Men in their 30s... Posted: 10/5/2009 4:44:09 PM
I couldn't do it - of course, that age difference for me would make her 16 and I prefer to stay outta jail. :) For me, at 31, my cut off is right around 25 years old, but I prefer a little older than that because we'll have grown up with similar influences and will likely have more in common. I think most mature guys recognize that this great of an age difference will simply cause problems, for many reasons. I respect this guy, because he's not leading you on just to get some young tail. (Of course, for all I know, you all ready went there and he didn't have to lead you on...)

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

What is the maturity of men 30+? Posted: 10/5/2009 11:42:44 AM
I think you're going to find it's all over the board. I have acquaintances this age that still haven't grown out of their 20's, and some would say even their teens. Yet, I would say that I have matured quite well and single friends of mine in their 30's are definitely taking things seriously. Most of us have learned from our mistakes and have lived through some experiences that have opened up our eyes to poor choices that we've made in the past. I think what you'll also find is that single people in their 30's tend to be more picky than they were in their 20's. We also look at the dating world in a less delusional way - concepts like "love at first sight" and "happily ever after" are much less real to the dater in their 30's. The "games" still exist, but many have grown out of them and sincerely want to meet someone they can invest themselves into.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Long Story - What to do Posted: 10/4/2009 10:32:38 PM
I don't know how long this interaction's been going on with you in the picture, but I'd estimate the whole time. He keeps coming around because she plays the game...and maybe even encourages him. You are not the savior that will rescue her from her misdirected ability to leave her past behind her. I have wasted 8 months of my life on nearly an identical kind of idiotic situation. Kept thinking it was gonna end, but it wouldn't end. Finally, I realized it wasn't enough to just not move forward, but to fix my problem, I had to get out entirely. Never again. I'm firmly of the mind that women I will date need to be completely done with their ex's before they move on. There's usually other ties, but they gotta be "done, done." I can't say what would happen if you stayed in, but if you value your time and heart, this type of thing isn't a good way to spend it.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

Whats wrong with him? Posted: 10/4/2009 2:05:13 PM
If you ask me, you need to drop this douche bag, not even consider the whole "friends" thing and move on. It's tough to gauge the situation, but my BS alarm is ringing here...and my GUESS would be that there's another in the picture here. The behavior fits this type of thing...back and forth, depending on whether that whole thing is up or down...but who knows. I think the whole "I'm scared" is a load, personally...and if it is true, he shouldn't be dating anyone 'til he figures his life out. He showed you what he thought of the relationship. He showed you what he thinks of the friendship. You can figure it out from there...but it sounds like an empty well to me.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Is meeting halfway reasonable? Posted: 10/4/2009 1:52:50 PM
Gawd...this isn't even a long distance relationship. I find this a little weird, personally...but then again, I live in a town where I'm less than 10 minutes from everywhere. Also, if you don't mind me pointing this out, you haven't even MET yet and you're all ready having difficulties with finding common ground. Nonetheless, if it's a big deal and you're into it, make a little effort to have her be comfortable and drive over that way. If you want to make something work, you've got to invest a little effort/time/money into it. Period.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

My own worst enemy....help! Posted: 10/4/2009 8:41:18 AM
I can tell you this - a profile isn't always the best indicator of a person. Even an email might not reflect the person's character. Some people are poor communicators or are just inexperienced in the written form, but this doesn't necessarily reflect on them as a person. You simply can't accurately assume things based on small details, like a picture with a beer meaning he's a raging alcoholic. I think there's might be some deeper psychology going on here. I wonder if deep down you're actually hesitant/reluctant to get involved because you have unresolved issues that need dealt with. Sometimes these things hide themselves in our lives and only manifest themselves as behaviors and not an obvious character point that we can recognize and deal with. This has obviously become a point of contention in your life because you're creating issues/conflicts that may or may not actually exist. I'll give anyone a shot and will usually reply, unless there's an obvious and clear deal breaker there. What's the harm in an email? If things get out of control, I have a block feature. From there, I can usually weed out things fairly quickly because I apply criteria that is important to me. Can they clearly communicate in an effective way? Do I get a sense of genuine interest? Do they make an effort, writing more than a short paragraph? Does a few exchanged emails reveal things I am not prepared to or don't want to deal with? Exchanging a few emails, or investigating the level of interest, is not wasting anyone's time. That's what were here to do...and you shouldn't feel bad for not allowing things to go further, if what you're looking for isn't there. If I do find someone of interest that "passes the test" if you will, then I'll usually escalate to the next level. (Phone/date/etc.) Even this is not a commitment to any degree, it's just a higher degree of inquiry and investigation into it's potential.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

how to be happy by yourself Posted: 9/29/2009 5:37:35 PM
You know, I think you're right on the money for a large number of people and there are a myriad of circumstances that cause this type of behavior and feeling towards oneself. I commend you for being introspective and honest with yourself about it...that's a hard first step. I'll share my experience and maybe you'll glean something from it. In my early 20's, I saw my behavior leading towards a lengthy string of unsuccessful flings and relationships...like I just couldn't be without someone. I am sure this had something to do with my past, but most of us have complicated pasts and it's up to us to survive them. This wasn't what I wanted for my life, so I sought to be content on my own. I consciously spent almost three years completely single, with no dating and didn't pursue a thing...and did so completely by choice. There were opportunities, but I turned them down and insisted on resisting my carnal urges. In that time, I developed a lot of interests, pursued hobbies, learned to cook and take care of myself, traveled a fair amount and generally focused on building myself up as a person. I didn't waste my time on TV...but rather tried to focus on constructive things that built experience, knowledge and contentment. After that near three years was up, I honestly felt completely happy with who I was. I felt comfortable in my own skin and was confident in my ability to be alone. I surprised myself and got exactly what I wanted...the ability to be content by myself. Now admittedly, I have had two (major) relationships since and, though I felt emotionally ready for each of them, neither has worked out for what I ultimately seek - marriage. BUT...and it's a BIG BUT...the difference is HOW I felt after those two relationships ended. I reflected on those three years of my life and remembered that I can do it on my own and I can be happy with just myself. I have avoided my previous behaviors of throwing myself at the next available woman and have been able to take the time to properly heal. I know exactly what to do from that experience and I am so much more content than I used to be when I find myself on my own again. I will also add that it changed the dynamics of those relationships. I feel that I have a lot to offer another person because I've spent time focusing on myself and consequently, the women I have been involved with have been of a higher caliber. I have also avoided clearly co-dependent situations because I've dealt with the behaviors in myself and recognize the initial stages of co-dependency and avoid them as much as possible. I'm not saying it's easy, nor that I want to be alone - but I don't feel desperate nor am I grasping for anything to fill the void, if even temporarily. I feel like I can face being alone confidently and know that I will find happiness in the things I choose to do for myself. I know that I have all these fulfilling interests and pursuits in my life and they weren't built around a woman...they were built around who I am and what I enjoy in my life. For what it's worth. Hope it helps.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Im having some problems i need some insite Posted: 9/28/2009 6:46:37 PM
I’ve found some really good tips on how to deal with the pain of ending a relationship and how get over someone on these forums. I decided to start writing them down because the subject of “what do I do?” comes up so frequently on these forums and there is some really sage advice thrown about various forum posts that I've read. I hope you find them to be helpful. ---- Seek closure. Do what it takes to get the influence out of your life. Take down any pictures, de-friend them on Facebook, delete old emails/txts – do as much as you practically can to remove things from your life that remind you of the situation. If there are any outstanding things between you, bring them to a close so you can start healing. If you lived together and you're still living in the place where you were together, I found that moving really helps. Oh, and don’t keep going back there! It’s so easy to get caught up in tormenting death throes in the end of a relationship and these really aren’t helpful to your well being. Don’t get involved with someone else right away. I have rarely seen a rebound relationship actually work out and if you’re messed up, you don’t have much to offer another person and you will likely just cause more pain. You need to learn (or re-learn) how to stand on your own two feet, fulfill your own needs and regain stability in your life. Hang out with your friends and try to make new friends. This is a great way to keep yourself entertained and your mind off the situation. If you’re in a new place, and don’t have many friends, get out and do things that bring you around people! Rediscover or establish some hobbies, particularly ones that you can do day or night. Doing something constructive in your life is very beneficial and gives you a sense of accomplishment. Interests can keep your mind off the situation and also gives you something that you can share with others. Get plenty of sleep. If you’re having trouble sleeping, get up earlier so you’re more tired at night. Don’t watch late night TV or do things late at night that will keep your mind going. Find a way to relax and when you lie in bed, try to focus on nothing (or blackness) so that you can calm your mind. Get some exercise. Take walks around your house or around town. Go hiking, biking or something that you enjoy and will get your heart rate going. You’ll feel better about yourself and it can stem depression. Escaping into nature, even if it’s just a park, can give you downtime where you can reflect and also can give you a sense of being happy just to be alive. Eat right. When we eat garbage, it makes us feel like garbage. Processed foods are proven not to be the best for our bodies – you will feel better if you are well nourished and eat in a healthy way. Learn to cook decently, if you have to. If you’re artistic, express that creativity and dive into whatever it is that you do. Put those feelings into your creativity and get them out of your system. Write! I have found writing to be very therapeutic and beneficial to gaining clarity in emotionally charged situations. Plus, it’s a kick in the pants to go back years later and remember how you were feeling, absent of all the torment. If you’re not a writer, figure out some other way to express your feelings in a similar way…even if it’s just writing down scattered thoughts or maybe even drawing out your feelings. Get involved. Whether it’s a church, a non-profit, a cause or anything else that peaks your fancy, getting involved with things can give you a sense of self-worth and also will introduce you to other people who might turn out to be your friends. Change up your life! If we constantly run in the same circles, go to the same places and do the same things, we can expect similar results. If it’s a new restaurant, planning a trip to a place you’ve never been, trying a new grocery store or anything that’s not what you “typically” do, just break that creature of habit in you and seek something different. It might surprise you. Get a pet, especially a cat. It’s proven that pets make people happier and they provide endless entertainment. Cats will always love you and need less care than most animals. All they want to do is eat, sleep and curl up on you when they’re in the mood for it. Watch your alcohol (or drug) intake. These things are counter productive, even though it sometimes seems that that they numb us to the pain. The truth is that pain is our heart’s way of processing a situation and the more we run away from it, the more we’ll repress things and have emotional chasms that we have to deal with down the road. Dig into your faith in God. Some people aren’t geared this way, and that’s fine…but if you’re a believer, having faith and building up your relationship with God can do wonders for your emotional health. There’s also a particularly good book that can help you sort out your life called, “The Principle of the Path” (by Andy Stanley) who offers very practical life advice to the spiritually oriented person. Make your bedroom a sanctuary! Have comfortable sheets, good pillows and if need be, go out and buy a nice & comfy layer to cover your uncomfortable bed. Have a stereo available that you can play some chill music on and have some decorations that make it comfortable for you. Make it a place that you can escape to. It will help you sleep better and you’ll look forward to going there (alone) each night. Watch a romantic comedy! If you’re a dude and you don’t go there, go there anyway! Sometimes just having the influence of a funny “happily ever after” (even if it’s Hollywood) is enough to bring a smile to our face and give us hope that the next thing might work out. Just make sure you don’t build your whole reality around them and loose all your good senses. When you get home from work or wherever, get out of your clothes and into something that you’re really comfortable in. I just learned this one and it WORKS! It feels so good to be intent on getting out of our worldly clothing and into something that helps us relax. Give yourself time. Time and distance are the ONLY things that will help you heal. There is no magic solution, there is no instant cure and all we can do are things that will help us FEEL better about ourselves and life we lead. When we feel good about ourselves and find confidence in who we are, we are more attractive to others and have much more to offer. Luck is when preparedness meets opportunity, and if we take care of ourselves, we will be prepared when the next opportunity comes about...and luck just might strike.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Stopped talking to me!! Posted: 9/28/2009 5:11:26 PM
Well, I think this post has gone down the tubes fast! I know many of us are a bit jaded, or have even developed serious complexes, but a little sympathy can go a long way! The truth is, OP, that this sort of thing happens (and rather often, really) in the online dating world. There could be a lot of factors here and the truth is that we don't know and can only speculate. Maybe he's screwing around with an ex, maybe he found someone else he waned to pursue, maybe he was just playing you and you fell for it, or maybe he just got out of a relationship and needed to burn through a couple to try and up his self esteem. The fact of the matter is that it appears that he's done and you need to let it go. I'd say that guys have some real issues out there, but I've been burned by enough women now that I know it goes both ways. You just need to pick yourself up, learn from your mistakes and move on to the next one. If he comes back around, remember this moment, because he's likely to do it again.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

What's wrong with this situation? Posted: 9/28/2009 4:55:04 PM
Wow, dude. Sometimes we make our own troubles and cause our own misery...and I think this is something you need to give a serious look at. I'm not saying that she didn't cause your pain, but I am saying that you choose to keep going back to it. With or without this "other" supposed "friend" guy, it shouldn't matter. I don't think you're getting the whole truth there because your BS detector is ringing like there's a five alarm blaze going on. With that kind of instability in a relationship, I wouldn't even THINK about a committing to a move with that person. I think you're under a misconception that moving to Orlando with this gal will all of a sudden remove the temptation of cheating on you and will snap her out of her drama. From the sounds of it, she's the overly dramatic type, with less than stellar morals - and whether you're in California, Virginia or Florida - she's STILL the same woman. If you don't want that drama in your life, the solution is simple. Say goodbye, move to Florida and open yourself up to gobs of beautiful women!

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Why Me? Posted: 9/27/2009 8:54:24 PM
I think curlygrl has the right attitude on this one. It's all about them, their problems and their insecurities...not you or yours. But, I think you're smart to start analyzing the women you attract and your role with those that you successfully attract. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but it sounds like this sort of thing (cheating) is not an isolated incident with you. Maybe there are some aspects of what you offer to a woman as a "package" are lacking in certain areas? Perhaps you seek a certain personality type or prefer "easy" women with zero morality? Possibly you're ignoring red flags early on that indicate the situation will not go well? Perhaps you're seeking the wrong characteristics in a person and these cause you to experience these types of situations? Only you know your situation best, so self introspection is a must. We can't tell you the intricate dynamics of what went on, the reasons why, or any of this...but in the end it's wrong and you deserve better than that. Take the attitude that you'll take the most from the situation, give a serious look at yourself and change where necessary and you'll be smarter, wiser and better for the next time.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

How did you lose your first love? Posted: 9/27/2009 8:32:30 PM
We were young and stupid. She cheated on me...I retaliated and cheated on her. It was a downward spiral from there. When I reflect honestly, after I found out, she did every single thing I asked, showed me her faithfulness to every degree there was and I still never trusted her again. I just flat didn't know how to handle the situation maturely and reacted in ways that certainly did nothing to help the situation. It was stupid, and we both acknowledge that stupidity and have shared our regret it in our later years. Nonetheless, it'll never go back to the way it was and that romantic love was truly destroyed in this lifetime. I know it was real love because it lasted through hell, stayed the course of several years of total neglect and still found terms in a valuable friendship years later.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

was anyone so angry at a x that they wanted revenge? if yes what happened? was it worth it? Posted: 9/21/2009 12:01:21 AM
Revenge? In a court of law, certainly. Outside of legal means and it's probably not socially or morally acceptable. I don't think any good will come of such a thing, that's for sure. Dude made some bad choices in his life. Eventually this professional and "very successful" gal will get tired of being with a guy who doesn't have a job, has no car, just left his pregnant wife and brought about infidelity within a very closed relationship. He's not exactly A-material, if you ask me...and it sounds like he's well on the way to self-destructing his life quite completely. It sounds like he will exact enough revenge to make everyone happy...and maybe he'll take successful home-wrecker chick down with him.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

my first relationship....over after a week. what happened? Posted: 9/20/2009 11:48:21 PM
What went wrong? OK...first of all, I'd like to clarify that this wasn't what I would deem to be a "relationship" with someone. Not to mention, she's told you that she doesn't want a relationship...with you, or anyone. It sounds like you two just met up a handful of times. But it sounds to me like she's one who probably doesn't make the best choices in her life and also creates a lot of drama through her actions. Maybe she's screwing around with an ex, found someone else, just isn't all that into you or a myriad of other things. Perhaps you were pushing to hard too fast? Just because interest is showed, that doesn't mean it's going to pan out...trust me on that one. I can tell you from experience that if something's not going to work out, the sooner it ends the better. Considering this is your first "relationship", you've got a lot yet to learn about life and love. Keep on trying and if you want some advice, don't settle for women that kiss other guys when they're drunk.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

okay guys, answer this one for me..... Posted: 9/19/2009 10:44:09 PM
Ha, you come here for justification on why men think it's OK do this? Generally speaking, this is not the behavior I observe in most of the places I frequent. I think what you need to look at is your surroundings of choice. I'm sure you're not going out looking all hot, and suggestive, in such a way that it might give a guy the wrong idea? Perhaps a change of venue might be in order? I know it's fun to dance, but I can tell you that I catch a different vibe off a jazz club as opposed to a hip-hop joint. If you want to swim with the piranhas, you gotta expect to get bit sometimes.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Confused Posted: 9/19/2009 9:21:46 PM
Iceman...Mahogany-Rush...whoever! You're just a riot with your take on situations! :) Yeah...so to the OP...sometimes we just gotta get experience, and I'm afraid you've fallen victim to that. You're a straight up nice guy, and some would say that's probably part of your problem. Perhaps you should fool around with someone 12 years your elder. As for how to get over a breakup, consult these forums extensively and you'll find some brilliant ideas.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Being Used... Posted: 9/19/2009 8:53:24 PM
I have been there...both with full knowledge and choice as well as other situations with complete ignorance and involuntary complicity. I've even been in gray areas where it's almost like she didn't know she was using me, or didn't intend to, but that's basically how it felt and could be explained by admission of the facts. The "be there by choice" matter is much easier to deal with - at least you know you're getting used (for money, sex, etc and you make the conscious choice) but the latter two are a real doozy. As for one, I let it go way too far...fell in love...and it's likely one of the hardest things I've had to end. It was so clear that I was making mistakes, especially in hindsight, but my heart was engaged and it hurt so, so bad when it was clear I had to end it. You're not a fool - even the brightest can be fooled, and it's so much easier when the heart is involved. The heart has the capacity to deceive the mind and it's sometimes easy to overlook warning signs that are so clear in retrospection. It's important to pay attention to the heart and mind connection, because when they're at odds, something isn't right. It sounds like you've been smart and caught this one in time, so kudos to you. It's hard, but it could have been so much harder. You've also got your mindset in the right place by not allowing it to make you jaded. There is no wrong in being a trusting soul, and others who take advantage of that are in every way at fault...it is not you who brought this upon you, it is them. Thanks for sharing.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

broken hearted-too all Posted: 9/19/2009 8:35:03 PM
Wow, dude, I read that and was a bit taken aback. Particularly with the marriage/adoption/divorce thing. That just about blew my top. I'm not one to condone violence, but that chick needs to get **** slapped...that's like evil in it's purest form. I hope that you took her to court and aren't paying child support these days. I would think that little note from your ex-wife would more than convince a judge that there was conspiracy involved. I think what others are saying about the types of women that you pursue is certainly something to look into. The common circumstances between all your loves is a little bit uncanny. You need to understand why you're falling for these types of women - is it a self-esteem issue, is it just whatever comes your way, is it lack of communication, is it moving too fast or is it being naive on your end? Self-introspection is one of the best ways to gain wisdom and avoid future mistakes. I know from my personal experience that I can usually sniff out someone who's interested in my money, is looking for a sugar daddy or has some type of ulterior motive. I have decent intuition, but as for you, were there warning signs that you didn't heed? Did you bother to reflect upon the situation after it was done? Then again, you could have done everything right and I know there's just some psychotic women out there and some of them have gotten very good at hiding it. I've even been situations where my BS meter didn't start ringing until it was too late. Sometimes these women think they can get over on us. It's good to know that you're doing the right things and getting over it. You're right that keeping busy, taking the time and learning from your mistakes is the best possible outcome to any situation like this that goes south.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

My ex fiance contact me again, why??? Posted: 9/19/2009 5:31:27 PM
I don't know that an apology a year after the fact is completely a BS reason. I wrote a letter of apology to one of my loves about a year after things had ended. There were no ulterior motives to speak of within me, just a true and genuine apology for the way things went. It was also part of my healing process, too, because I realized that I subconsciously stayed hung up on her for way too long. Of course, I didn't offer to take her out to dinner either...so that's something. As for her motives, she's probably found herself newly single again and is plotting her next victim. You're on the radar because you once had a good thing and she knows it could be comfortable. The fact is, that what you're experiencing is her treating you as an option...so I wouldn't get too worked up about it. My advice, as with those of others, is that once a thing is done, to leave it be unless there are exceptional circumstances. Her coming back around, integrating back into your life, ignoring you, and otherwise playing a card does NOT constitute exceptional circumstances. Getting over love sucks enough the first time and there would have to be a dang good reason to set yourself up for a second time.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Need help Broken Hearted! Posted: 9/19/2009 5:15:23 PM
There's a reason that infidelity is the only legitimate cause for divorce...and I, for one, completely agree with it. It completely destroys trust, is extremely destructive, is rarely carried out for good reason and tends to destroy things quicker than anything else I know of. It sounds to me like she's created a mess that she didn't really want and doesn't know how to deal with. She pursued some guy and was OK with the divorce, so long as he was in the picture. When dude, who has to be a pretty unsavory guy to sleep with another man's wife, left your ex - she was obviously put in a bind. My instinct on this one is that he (or someone else) is probably still sniffing around and thus her complication. I'm not one to advocate the breakup of a family, and if there are terms that can be found in the future...then great. But for now, unless you like this sort of thing, my advice is to be done with it and leave her to her own life, her own choices and her own regret. She will eventually realize that it wasn't worth it, but by then it may be too late.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Lost my soul mate Posted: 9/19/2009 4:33:33 PM
I appreciate the situation that you're in and I am completely happy that you decided this wasn't worth ending your life over. I know how that goes, though...and it's very real and it completely sucks. The first thing that struck me as I read your post was, "Whooooa, brakes, buddy, brakes!" Four months is NOT enough time to ask a gal to marry you, no matter how you feel about it. I've heard stories of it working out, but they are very rare indeed. There is so much that goes into the dynamics of a relationship and truthfully, I don't think you can truly know a person in four months. It may feel right, and so completely right that you're head over heels, but that doesn't mean you need to make irrational decisions and commitments based on those feelings. I am truly sorry and I know how you feel, though. But, I can tell you that I have now loved THREE times and each time, it was just like that...amazing, in no uncertain terms. There will be future opportunities and you can hopefully take some of your previous experience with you into the next one. With perspective and wisdom gained from previous experience, future times can be even better than those that came before. I would caution against the friends thing, though as it can complicate your emotional state and hang you up on the situation for years. I know how hard it can be to consider not having a person in your life, but you have to do what's best for you and your future. Perhaps, though, with time, things could change with this gal - but it's difficult to hold onto this and not deny yourself of future opportunities. I wish you well...and know that in time, the acute feelings fade into more manageable memories. These are the days of our lives, let's make the best of them.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

being young is getting old... Posted: 9/19/2009 4:13:07 PM
I think as people get older, they gain a different perspective on their life and possibly have regrets or wish they had done different things with their earlier years. Each person will have a different insight, and I can assure you that the gamut of people do not all wish they had partied it up in their 20's. Someone who abused their life with drugs and alcohol in their 20's might think it's the right way in their 30's, but when they pay the price in their 40's, the outlook changes. Perspective is a funny thing like that. The truth is, that what's right for some is not right for all and we can all choose our own unique paths. I think it's important to have fun and do things that we enjoy, but what that means is different for everyone. Perhaps it's your sphere of influence that needs adjustment...to seek people that are more into what you're into? Of all the things you mentioned about the ups and downs, I'd completely agree and I don't think there's an age where you grow out of that. Life isn't a picnic for any of us...and there are good times and bad times for us all. They say you have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs, and I think there's some truth to that. Have the courage to march to your own beat and seek out the things in life that are right for you. What is popular is not always right, and what is right is not always popular.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Emotional ups and downs...and how to deal with them Posted: 9/19/2009 3:58:25 PM
I've experienced this, particularly after breakups and other heart wrenching things that have happened in my life. Late at night, we tend to have more downtime and less distraction and I think it's natural to let our minds wander when there's not something else to focus on. If your life is not going the way you want, it's easy to get fixated on that and go further down the spiral. I think it's important to have hobbies and interests that you can dive into - anything that can capture your attention for a period of time - and help you to stay focused away from negative aspects of your life. They don't have to necessarily be constructive in nature, just something that you can do late at night and is something you enjoy. I think it's better to pass the time doing something non-constructive than to dwell on destructive thoughts and feelings. Some people have a hard time with things like this and counseling might be an option. As others have mentioned, there might be something else going on if this has been pervasive for a long time. You can also try mild anti-depressants, like St. John's Wart, because it can be just enough to get out of the funk. (Be careful with the latter suggestion - there are many potential side effects, particularly with the interaction of other drugs.) Fundamentally, though, the way to get out of this type of funk is to do positive things with your life that ultimately give you reasons to have a happier outlook. If that's having hobbies, getting involved with a cause, getting involved in a church, writing, making new friends or a multitude of other constructive things, these can ultimately overshadow the negative aspects and change our outlook.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Where to meet people that are datable over 30? Posted: 9/15/2009 10:04:07 PM
I loved the guy's post with the list of places. Cracked me up. :) My take on this is that you can choose to be around people if you want and almost anywhere you go, there's guys and gals...and I know with some of them, sometimes, there's an inexplicable spark, even if it's instinctual physical attraction. If possible, I think it's good to give in to that initial instinct and figure out a way to talk to that person. Most of the time, I'll usually figure out some wisecrack thing to say and see how she responds...but it totally depends on the situation. I've struck up conversation with people at common places, like grocery stores and gas stations. I've even told a gal that I walked across the room to meet her specifically and that I couldn't think of a single thing to say while doing so...Hi, my name is ... and winged it from there. Sometimes I can't get over my doubt and end up doing nothing at all...and I wish that she had done anything at all. Not all of these...nay, in fact, most of these chance encounters don't end up anywhere. No doubt though, if you get out there enough though, you're more likely of two things - some "interesting" experiences (perhaps good and bad) and potentially someone you connect with. That's my two cents Edit P.S. I disagree with short_stemmed_rose - I'm in my early 30's, would generally say I meet the criteria (though I'm not wealthy or exceptionally good looking) and I'm not gay. It's not by lack of trying, but rather that's just how my life has worked out. I have standards, sure, but I wouldn't say they are impossible, either.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Right girl just not right time? Posted: 9/15/2009 9:36:37 PM
I agree with those that say if it's right for both of you, time can be made. If there's a strong interest and connection there, then you'll figure out how to be around one another. My advice is to give her what she's asking for - the time and space. If she draws near in that time, then it's good and you can explore it as it comes. If not, well, you have to realize and be willing to accept that sometimes these things don't work out and sometimes that's due to circumstances at the time. Circumstances that may, or as experience has panned out for me, may not come anytime in the future. Hanging on to such ideas may or may not be fruitful, and I generally recommend avoiding it as much as possible for the sake of your emotional well being. If it's meant to work out, it'll find a way. I'm not saying that it's there for you, but rather comforting you with the knowledge that future times will come.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

How do i walk away? Posted: 8/31/2009 7:11:47 PM
Don't listen to the "let's be friends" thing - this is how people get hung up on their ex's for years, sometimes a decade or more. Unless you know you can do it successfully, and not think about anything that might make you want to hang on to that, then my advice is to not even go there. As far as moving on, I've loved now THREE times and walking away from it is the hardest thing I think I've ever faced. But it is possible...and it's even easier if love isn't a factor. It's still hard though when everything surrounding you reminds you. The trick is to stay focused on yourself, do things for yourself and at all costs, avoid going back "there." Take a walk, get out, surround yourself with friends...whatever it takes to distract you for the immediate time being. It gets easier in time and as you move on, perspective comes and the deception that your heart plays on you becomes less of a factor. Anyone who's done it will tell you that it's only time and distance that will work. Be patient, stay positive and the right thing will come.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

How Important is it that you have chemistry with someone? Posted: 8/27/2009 4:58:57 PM
Well, I suppose that question's answer entirely depends on what it is that you're seeking. If you're just seeking a fling for the summer, it's probably not life and death. Yet, if you're seeking a partner, it's extremely important in my eyes. I think this becomes particularly true with age because we've all probably gotten into situations where we are with people that we find ourselves less attracted to and we realize how important that attraction is to sustain a good thing. The "can't stop touching thing" eventually ends - but it's that spark, an attraction on multiple levels, that can sustain a thing for the long term. I think it's always important to distinguish between that spark and the initial infatuation, because they're wholly different and they even feel different in the beginning stages. I mean, at least for me, there's a difference between "God I love her ta tas" and "Wow, this is a person that I am really interested in pursuing." For a period of time these lines might be blurred, but in my experience, they don't stay blurred for long. That's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Wife sharing emails with men Posted: 8/21/2009 8:01:14 PM
If a tree swears up and down that it's an apple tree, yet it doesn't bear apples, is it really an apple tree? I'd vote this one for "it should be obvious" but I understand how these things can get confusing. We never want to think that our partners could be doing such things - but I'm here to tell you that it happens and you will usually only have an inkling of what will turn out to be the truth. If you confirm that a partner is lying to you on any level, in serious matters such as this, it's impossible to discern where the lines between truth and honesty begin and end with that person. I'm not one to condone spying on a partner - but there has been a couple situations where I've done it in the past when I have suspected something was up and it's clearly revealed to me that I shouldn't be in that situation. Only you know your situation - but once you go down the slippery slope of deceit and treachery, it's a long climb back up and most of the time it ends in dismal failure. For what it's worth.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Where should the line be drawn about friendships with ex's if you are in a relationship now? Posted: 8/21/2009 7:47:09 PM
I think it's important to communicate about such things as everyone might handle the situation differently. You have communicated your discomfort and she doesn't seem to care to honor that. If it's uncomfortable to you - it's just that - and you have a right to feel the way you like about a particular situation and if she cares to be around you, then she must respect your feelings about the situation. From personal experience, the ties with ex's are rarely benign. Once an emotional and physical connection has been made, it's very difficult to separate that into a platonic-only situation until quite some time passes and both people have fully moved on. I think the length of that process often depends on how long the two were together. Personally, I take a great deal of care not to leave a string of female friends behind me and I expect the same out of my partners. Every time there has been an ex in the picture, it has not once been without it's troubles. Anymore, if I sniff out an ex in the picture, I'm gone. That's what works for me...but your mileage may vary. That's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

revcomsla

Joined: 5/13/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

How should I take it? Posted: 7/19/2009 2:01:55 PM
We have instincts for a reason - and we're really good at ignoring them. Your instinct is telling you that you're feeling like you're getting played...and you probably are. From what I've gathered of the situation, two months is certainly enough time to consider whether you want to date someone. Heck, that's almost enough time to consider a relationship, in my opinion. It sounds to me like your goals are different...you want a relationship and she's not really all that sure of what she wants. Here's what I would do...I'd back off a bit to see what happens. If she steps it up and moves towards you, then you might have a chance and you need to communicate about the situation. If nothing changes and distance grows, then that's probably a sign that you need to get out. Good luck!

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