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babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Falling out of love.... Posted: 1/19/2009 2:01:17 AM
OP, I will say that a solid friendship can be a solid base for a romantic development in the relationship. Once Your romantic feelings begin to emerge, your side of the friendship is not the same any more, neither will the relo be. It's changed for you already and trying to keep the status quo would be unfair and non genuine for you, hence, the friendship. You might be too subjective to fairly assess his intentions, and he might be also interested in changing the status, however, afraid like you to destroy something that's already good. Asking/talking to him more directly could only help you to clarify. In my view, factually, the friendship has changed. I think the only way to stop falling in love is to stop seeing the object of your affection. Keep sharing activities and life situations, and the bond will grow stronger. It will also prevent you from finding the 'good' in other gentlemen who might be in your life or coming to your life with the potential for being good romantic partners. We tend to idealise that we can't 'have'. I wish you good luck,, your situation is as complicated as excitingly challenging. Bye for now.

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

changing lifestyles to stay feeling good. Posted: 1/17/2009 4:43:00 AM
Hi OP, I guess we all tend to assume by looks, as a reaction. We equate obesity or a bad hair day with a bad unhealthy lifestyle. Personally, I'm attracted to personalities, but guilty as charged, looks play a role in the attraction thing. As another poster wrote, sometimes weight can be life happening, rather than lack of self care. I do yoga, and some ladies with twice my waistline can twist twice as much. Who knows, maybe their thyroid (so popular these days) is not responding.. One thing is looks, another thing is lifestyle. You get to understand someone else's life style by interacting with them,, looking alone is not enough. If the lifestyle justifies the look, then, you are talking a different thing. If you are all up and running you certainly wouldn't like to (mis)match with a couch potato, unless he is active enough to cook and clean the house while you are out there exercising and dancing, or whatever you do. At our age my dear, we are all clear on what and how we want 'it'. Fool enough to keep looking, wise enough to know when to pass. No right or wrong. Having serious and solid backgrounds, we might want to pay more attention to the opposites rather than to the differences when we decide to pass. Best way to test your prejudice is to challenge it,, give a fat person a chance,, maybe you'll be surprise, and this fat boy happens to be totally supportive and encouraging of you to stay in your path while just sharing life. good luck,, and yes, we need to eat less and exercise more,, back to the jungle darling! B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

Is there a REASON to marry after 45? Posted: 12/9/2008 4:27:00 AM
More than reasons, it is about mutual desire and decision. Both might have different ones. If the over 45yo never married before, it could be a different way to approach commitment. If the over 45yo was maried before, it could be the long lasting insanity of divorce procedures. Seriously, marriage seems to create a different mind frame, like the individuals view the 'status' as more... official. De facto, living together seems to create a sense of an easier way out in case things get a little 'real'. I wouldn't get married. I have healed the insanity and I will find it too complicated. I agree that the real bond is cemented by feelings and values. We all have statistics on how many marriages end in divorce, but I suspect it's more difficult to record the number of de facto relationships that split,, after all, there're many legal records to follow up with. Back to possible reasons,,, maybe the over 45 are more fearful, feel they have 'less' time (for what?) to bounce back from 'another' divorce, maybe we are just too happy being the way we are. As OP wrote, we don't want children, we can be sexual anyway, and our intentions come without paperwork. But I would take the ring! take care B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

Why do you love me? Posted: 11/28/2008 8:58:10 PM
OP, when a man asks 'why do you love me'? he might want to hear many things, he might even want to use the question to push you away by giving you his own opinion of himself and the relationship. I would be reading more into the situation than just listening to his question, such as his body language, the circumstances and background of your relationship. Love in its initial stages is relatively selfish, if not very. And it all its stages, it is quite irrational. If we agree to leave the neo cortex away from the equation, and beyond all the asking person's purpose, I would say that we love someone for the way they make us feel. As irrational as it is, some people love those who make them feel on the edge all the time, while others love the feelings of security and trust. Maybe in the less 'passionate' stages of love we can more clearly identify him/her as the individual s/he is, and appreciate the loving substance of those traits while knowing that they have little to do with us, besides the partnership.

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 141 (view)

Dating vs WAITING FOR THE RIGHT PARTNER Posted: 11/17/2008 12:35:45 AM
"Is it wrong to go on a few dates, then if you can't see growing old w/ that person, end it as to not waste eachother's time?" Dating is the first step in building a long term relationship. As long as both are seeking the same, it can only start by dating... how else could you know that he is the right person to grow old with if not after sharing moments, and even arguments? Just don't date those who claim to seek 'other relationships',, that can prove challenging. good luck

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

Ran into my ex.... here online, has it happened to you? Posted: 10/5/2008 1:15:48 AM
Oh yes, it did happen to me too. It made me review the seriousness and intensity of our relationship as we were back on line so soon after?! He was also deceiving about his age, claiming to be younger, and matching the lie with an outdated photo. Why bother? anyway, that's probably topic for a new post... I agree with a previous poster, who wrote that these stories can be either funny or heartbreaking. Surely, more devastating than finding an Ex's profile is to find a current partner's profile,,,, - a topic already addressed here too - the eternal bigger better deal seeking! B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Traveling to Meet (LONG) Posted: 10/5/2008 12:58:51 AM
I had 2 LDR, though they came to me for that first date/time. As someone already posted, if they have the money to pay for a ticket,, let it be their ticket. It's safer to stay in one's own playgrounds. I wouldn't travel to meet a new friend while I have several where I live who I can hardly see! As for romantic LDR, they are very exciting and tend to intensify the actual connection because of all the adventure. I am over LDRs, I rather spend the travelling time shopping for nice things for a local date. And finally, having the travelling expenses paid for would make me feel uncomfortable, I rather pay my own way. Nonetheless, I love dinner invitations and so for. Travel is you wish, excitment has many forms and life many colours. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Why Do Relationships FAIL? Posted: 10/3/2008 1:28:12 AM
When we first meet someone, we tend to wear our best 'mask', and that's somehow reasonable, as we try to impress ourselves and the other person who seems so great (and s/he is also putting his/her best face). Primal, or chemistry is the first thing we recognise, and again, that's reasonable and part of the dance. As time goes, we share situations and we start 'seeing' the person for who s/he is, in real life rather than our fantasy. Even in the best scenario, when we really see the other truly, and still want this person, the passage of time changes us as individuals, and changes the stages of a relationship. Nowadays, if we don't 'feel' the lust or the romantic love, we think we failed it. and we go looking for someone else.. Intersting,, when I was growing up, seeing couples divorcing was unusual. Nowadays, finding a couple who's been together for more than 25years and looking satisfied is. Maybe the 'happy ever after' belongs to fairy tales afterall, change is the only sure thing. I rather don't use the term 'fail', I prefer to say that relationships run their course and each one of them help us to get to know ourselves a bit better,, if we are lucky and ready... have a great weekend all B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

If you Miss Someone, Do it Mean You Love Him or Her? Posted: 8/15/2008 2:37:15 AM
I agree with those who don't equate missing someone with loving someone. I think that when we leave a person, we also leave a relationship and its dynamics. Mostly the dynamics that felt so very good. No matter how much of the same activities we share with other people, it will be different. Some activities with that person will be more difficult to 'match' with someone else, being the conversations, the sex, or the travelling companionship. I think that sometimes we might confuse missing with still loving 'that' person who's already gone, because at times of boredom or feeling empty, we tend to idealise the good parts of the relationship that it was. but as some other member wrote,,, they are an 'ex' for some reason/s. Those who touch us deeply, will always be missed. That initial love we felt for them has been probably relocated in our hearts to a different classification, warmly wrapped up in memory drawer. Oh, love, such a deliciously addictive human feature. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

friends with benefits Posted: 7/13/2008 2:41:59 AM
I agree with Rai,, it's better to start as FWB, where the intention of a sexual connection is clear from the beginning, rather than jeopardising an existing friendship. However, things take a turn of their own, and the later can easily developed into a sexual thing as well. People tend to feel better when emnotions are involved, which it can then lead to someone getting hurt. FWB is more than just the sexual encounter, though it is a very strong component. Nowadays, with the internet, it is easier to create a relationship based on the FWB idea, as people, hopefully, clearly states their intentions. And even for those seeking 'intimate encounters', a mental and even spiritual connection makes the whole thing much better and satisfying. Maybe it's easier within my age group? I have already enjoyed the couple's life, and now I rather fly solo for the main parts in my life, without forgetting or lacking the enjoyment of certain intimacy and sexuality. When we consider someone for a FWB relo, we also consider not hurting them on purpose. It's a totally different approach to a FB dynamnic. Now,, why so many 'titles'? Sometimes the best things in life happen without a prior Statutory declaration... or do they? B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

becoming a father in middle age Posted: 6/16/2008 3:46:37 AM
I dated a 53yo gentleman who had a 3yo son. He had 2 grown up children from his first marriage. He was separated and had the son with him only every second week. I didn't like it. I raised mine and he's all grown up and I am all free. Having children at 50? Dealing with a teenager when you are 60+? Crazy. I could understand someone who never had kids and decides to do so at the age of 45+. However, I can't understand how one could want to go through raising a kid all over again, very well knowing what it is involved. I'm not after a full on relationship, however, a gentleman with toddlers or even teenagers would not be my preference. It might be selfish of me, but I am sure I compensate by having been a great mum already. I think that when they say that today's 50s are yesterday's 40s, they don't mean parenthood.. or do they?? I hope not! B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Hitting the wall! Posted: 6/8/2008 1:17:47 AM
I have a cat already, but she goes out every single night! Watch and learn. Either bad experiences or very good ones which came to an end change our expectations and our levels of motivation and intention. It's a process with different states and dynamics. We all want to connect with the opposite sex to certain degree and a romantic connection can't be replaced with other types, but it can be put in the back burner till the right fire comes along. As long as you are happy with your circumstances, being alone can be great.

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

No Romance, But Some Opposite-Sex Company Posted: 6/1/2008 2:14:34 AM
Totally, male friends are so great to have. One of my male friends was a romantic liaison once, but as it ended amicably, we remained close and meet regularly. Besides, having the opposite sex perspective within a friendship frame helps lots in understanding. Men are such wonderful creatures as well.

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

comments please?? Posted: 5/26/2008 3:34:27 AM
I don't think that one - weight - means the other - neglecting self care. Sometimes being over/under weight is a symptom and you can tell. These days, there're lots of gorgeous clothing stores and sexy lingerie stores for all sizes and flavours. It's a package, some packages are bigger than others, that's all. And to each its own. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Reasons for hidden profiles Posted: 4/11/2008 10:23:12 PM
Hi, I read the OP's profile before posting my viewpoint. The profile says 'Dating', which it is different to long term seeking. My biggest curiosity when it comes to internet dating is, if one is seeking a long term partner, and one finds one who seems/feels/acts like one,, why hiding a profile? why not deleting it altogether? Ok, PoF has forums that are quite entertaining, but then, why hiding the profile instead of changing the profile to make it 110% clear that the profiler is 'taken' and only 'here' for the forums? This is what I don't get. Lots of people are looking for true love, but does remaining in a dating site not defeat the purpose? In the ideal world, a couple who met through a dating site could have a 'ritual' = both sitting at the PC, together, deleting each other's profile/account. Maybe, this 'ceremony' will end up being more relevant than a marriage celebration in this time and IT era. Good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

those who use bdsm to get sex Posted: 4/11/2008 10:03:06 PM
BDSM, I understand, is a lifestyle rather than a sexual preference, as many posters already 'said'. And it doesn't necessarily mean sexual intercourse. For those who really want to explore it, be careful. A true 'dom' will not engage in the practice with someone who's new unless there's a lot of communication and explanation beforehand. He (I'll use 'he' because I am referring to my own experience) will identify where you are at, and will make sure to run the tests before engaging in a particular BDSM session. Claiming to be a 'dom' is not enough or accurate to the definition of BDSM. Vanilla sex also includes blindfolds, tie me ups, teasing to the point of desperation, and you know all the other kinky stuff to it. A true BDSM lifestyle person will have his/her place with the relevant 'toys' and equipment. It's not just a drawer with stocking or whips or feathers. It is not just about "the' leather outfit. I realise now that I was very fortunate to have had an intro through a true BDSM Dom. This gentleman even explained the dynamics of how and why pain can bring pleasure. It was a very empowering experience for me, certainly not a lifestyle I would embrace, and embrace it one has to inorder to be with BDSM communities. Though BDSM (correct me if I'm wrong), refers to an 'exchange of power', I never yet understood the actual substance of that for BDSM. For an exchange of power to happen, both parties need to have certain degree of power (and there's a lot of power in submission!), and at certain point, maybe alternating, they submit or exchange. BDSM seems to be more about surrendering all power, a submission of power rather than a exchange. I am just an 'extreme' vanilla, prefer to exercise power by a submissive approach, and transform the sexual dynamics from that standpoint. But then again, to each its own, as long as it is safe and mutually agreed upon. Play safe, but play B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Reasons for hidden profiles Posted: 4/7/2008 4:27:31 AM
Hi, You wrote about your 'ex', is it fair to conclude that the relationship is over? Anyway, yes, it happens more often than one could or would like to imagine. I do believe that there's a very addictive element to dating sites, the thrill of getting a response, browsing. Like any addiction, it has the potential to destroy the good things in our lives. If he allowed you to use his computer, obviously he wasn't hiding it (or you are smarter than him). However, with or without intention of deceiving, once two people agree to be exclusive, it's a good idea to be so at any level, particularly electronically. Innocent games involving male/female interaction tend to go out of control. And when we have met him/her on a dating site we very well know how it works and where it takes us. Anything can be written either way, in his defence or his prosecution, however, once the trust process gets interrupted, it doesn't feel that good anymore. Good luck

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Boyfriend goes back to ex-wife Posted: 4/5/2008 5:45:55 AM
OP, blame bad timing. I would agree with another reply that he might have been in contact with his ex without mentioning it to you. That's not necessarily bad, being in contact with an ex, because they might have business to finish. But it would be bad if he didn't tell you. Nobody makes decisions overnight unless the house burnt down and we need to move tomorrow. I assume you didn't see any signs of him being still emotionally relating to his ex. Two months is too short, though I have experienced being in a first date with a guy who talked extensively about his ex wife. And then, in our second date... and.. till the final date. He didn't say anything nice about her at all. The fact that he trashed her in conversations with me was bad in itself. It also signaled that he was still attached to her, if nothing else, by hate and resentment. As they say, the best way to tell when we are really free from and ex, it's when we are indifferent. I don't know if your ex b/f will reappear in your life, but I would be very cautious and question if this time is final, or just another 'time out' from his primary relationship. Good luck Bye

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

orgasms after 50 Posted: 3/23/2008 2:57:07 AM
Couples tend to fight over things that do not represent the real issue. You know? It's not about the toilet seat up or down,,, it's that I want more sex!!!! or different sex. The fact that you fantasize about being with someone else, to me, means that your sex drive is good. Otherwise, you would just be happy with no sex at all. I would definitely check the hormones levels, but I would also consider more 'emotional' aspects. Thirty years with someone is a long time. You probably missed out on having different experiences, scents, styles, and at this stage in your life, you are wondering. Don't be angry with your partner. We tend to blame, unconsciously, the other for what we PERCEIVE as our losses or shortcomings. I think that all the advice on how to re invigorate a long term relationship is over rated. We don't go back in time, we rather change perspectives and stages. However, when you don't feel angry, or after a day without a fight, try to do something different in the bedroom? or the kitchen? I would suggest that, being financially dependent on him, your priority could be to find a way of changing that. Sit down and draw a budget of what you need to do to change that situation. It needs not to be the beginning of your divorce. It might turn out to be the beginning of more clarity and empowering for you. Practical things are reasons, but not excuses. Have kids left the home? The empty nest thing is a time in a couple's life to re evaluate the relationship, and it's in those times that we might find out that the partner who was wonderful before, it's not a good match for this stage in life (I hope that's not the case, a couple is the sum of all, a creation) Good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

why do married men hit on me? Posted: 12/31/2007 10:17:05 PM
Are you asking this question within the boundaries of PoF? I haven't read your profile, so I'll assume that your 'status' is 'single/divorced'. My opinion is that, besides your own qualities that make you desirable, if you are single, it will be easier for a married man to assume that you can offer company, flexibility and a 'place' to meet privately if things take off. It's kind of a practical response, but I think it is quite reasonable, because, in reality, how many married men can afford casual accommodation on regular basis? I hope I haven't offended you. The above is just my 'perception'. Happy New Year B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Do you think working on yourself/improving yourself will improve your chance of finding a mate? Posted: 12/28/2007 4:39:26 PM
I agree with most of what I read that, changes are meant to be the result of our own desire to become a 'better' person within our own values and evolution. Changing in order to meet someone is like dieting in order to fit in in your bikini this Summer. If we are lucky and relatively open minded, we'll change, and hopefully for the better. I think that once we improve who and how we are, we become happier and more self confident. Those qualities in themselves do attract more people to our circle. So there you are, you might end up with more possibilities. However, it will be your own changes, assuming they are genuine for yourself changes, that will create new filters within yourself. Quantity does not equate quality and lack of quality, within your definition, can be frustrating at times. However, frustration is just an indication of good things as well, another challenge to sustain changes. As for karma, I think that karma is the law of 'action = reaction'. There's also another element in our world - free will. When we want to change karma, then, we change the actions, we use our free (but not always painless) will. All the best with your changes and self improvement. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 143 (view)

Cohabitation vs. Marriage Posted: 10/14/2007 1:12:20 AM
Great great comments. As per research and statistics, I remember reading that the percentage of break ups and separation within people who co habitate is actually more significant than with married people . Apparently, signing the 'contract' facilitates the commitment at a more deeper level. I assume it makes it symbolically stronger. Some explanations pointed to the fact that not being married, hence, being easier to go for the door without too much complications. The survey obviuosly didn't consider relationships' survival based on purely feelings, as much as in tolerance to the unavoidable stages of discomfort and stormy weathers within any committed relationship. Where I live, cohabitating for 2 years gives very similar rights to assets as if married, and governments are discussing to make it more so. I suppose that's a consideration to how many more people are co habitating in Australia as well. I am all against staying together for reasons other than feelings, with or without contracts. Both arrangements will have 'issues' when the relationship fails beyond repair. Personally, I will not marry or co habitate again. Personally, if what I'm writing comes back to bite me, I will never enter into a live-in, 24/7, arrangement without some kind of a 'written' contract. And these days, contracts seem to come with sub contracts, such as pre nuptial agreements (particularly for the older population who already built assets of their own). I agree with whoever wrote that if a partner is going to change after any commitment is made, s/he will change any way, married or de facto. Someone can win our heart, body and soul by pretending, but nobody can keep it up for a life time. As the 'guru' of most Americans, Dr Phil, will reinforce = you marry one person but divorce another one. In co habitation, you move in with one person but kick out another one. Bye B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 182 (view)

What makes us attract the wrong partner? Posted: 9/24/2007 4:09:18 AM
OP, Maybe you are just meeting the 'wrong ones' for you. It's kind of typical for smart women, self sufficient ones, going the reverse way when it comes to emotional relationships. There are many explanations, and knowing helps, but it is mostly, in my opinion, about balancing. Bad boys might actually prefer the 'strong' woman, not because that's what they like or want, but because their 'pleasure' is in breaking that strength. The more challenging, the more rewarding. And in combination, the strong woman might find a challenge herself, trying to reinforce her stand? I'm guessing, but it sounds like a common scenario. We all have parts of ourselves that we don't quite understand, and these challenging individuals can help us to understand ourselves better. Maybe one element is that once we become used to 'dramas' in a relationship, when a nice or suitable easy does it guy turns up, we find him 'boring'. The level of adrenalin stays high for a while longer than the actual 'dramatic' relationship. I would try to understand my own motifs, and re define what and how I want it to be. All that written, please keep in mind that there are many wrong characters in the world, real or internet ones. The law of probability might not be on your side? Good luck, stay yourself B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

My ex is on POF!!! Posted: 9/12/2007 7:55:54 AM
It is very tempting to try to save others from the pain of deceit. The karma thing works for me as a reason to let go. Besides, you never know if you are going to save the person from the most dreadful experience or if you are going to rob them of an opportunity to become stronger by the experience. I would do nothing. Nobody will believe you. By what you wrote, OP, he is a lier and will manage to twist it to you being a jeolous bitter ex. what do they say? the road to hell is paved with good intentions? I think that what he is doing can serve as validation for having broken up with him. I would totally stay away from his profile. I would probably leave the site and find another one, however, I understand how difficult it is to give up these forums! The more you check on him, think about him, the more you'll stay attach to him for all the wrong reasons and with no 'rewards'. I think that finding an ex registered here is better than finding a 'current' one registered in here. Let him live, give him that proverbial rope, but mostly, you live. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

You both have your own home, what do you do now? Posted: 9/12/2007 7:42:29 AM
Mackevinized, Totally agree with your point that once we become defined by our financial contribution to the relo, we establish the basis for inequality or competition. There'll always be the splitting, and nobody knows how the other one will respond in cases of emergency or need. (ok, my partner is sick and can't work, I will 'lend' him money to survive?). It is as if each party is on his/her own. I would hate to live like that, that's why I won't. That's why I think it is easier to deal with that approach by maitaining separate living arrangements, at least it is more consistent. Nonetheless, the financial status that we have as individual when meeting someone at certain age, might have nothing to do with that new person's contribution. A dilema. Maybe it comes down to being lucky enough to fall in love and love someone with our same values and beliefs. Co creating a 'home' rather than a house. Not easy, these days divorce is such a valid option, it is the 'making decisions with our feet'. Whatever the choice, I think one ought to stay true to oneself. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

You both have your own home, what do you do now? Posted: 9/9/2007 2:38:16 AM
I say, you both keep your homes, live together by creating rosters,,, one month your place, the other month hers,,,, seriously. I agree, I am not about to risk my financial situation because there's no much runaway left to take off again (and that's not a bad thing at all, it only means that we need to do other things, fun things, with our lives). As sad as it sounds, we seem to be willing to risk our emotional capital, but the $$$ seems to be less easily re built. The ideal would be to sell and buy UP together.. But then, what happens with our respective kids from previous love ones? Do we consider that buying together is only feasible if we both contribute the same $$? Does that mean that we will be splitting costs 50/50 like in a business? No,,, I just stick to the plan that the best arrangement is to live in your place and make the other's your home as well, without the feeling of invasion/sacrifice. Who said that all we need is love???? These days we could rephrase 'love conquers all', by adding 'except the accommodation'. Good luck, at least get the cheapest removalist in town!!! B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Is this wrong or what Posted: 9/8/2007 3:09:13 AM
OP, By the letter, she has being indecisive for a while already. She is thanking you for your patience, isn't she? She might have not been sure of what she wanted, and by sending you that message, she was 'hoping' that YOU refused. Your refusal would have given her a clean way out, without leaving herself with doubts, and instead, someone else to blame for the finality of the relationship. When you agreed to try again, reality hit her, and she wasn't up to it,, again? ... this is just a theory. Let her be, away from your life, preferably. These characters only create rollercoasters, they want one thing but do another. These are the times of paradox. I think you have the right to feel upset, hurt, and let down (again?). And now you are responsible for not letting her doing it again. good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Question about mens behaviors Posted: 9/6/2007 8:00:11 PM
It sounds like he wants to progressively have an electronic love affair? If I got it right from your post. Personally, I am not very fond of the word 'should'. I thing that it is not what you 'should' do, but what you want to do. Duh, obviously you are not sure. You could either go with the flow, follow his lead, and see how it goes. It's risky though to have a seriously involved electronic relationship because it substracts from any possibility of having a real life one. Who will ever measure up to your fantasy? I am in favour for supplementing real life contact (that involves all the senses), with electronic teasing. But the second without the first one tends to create disassociation in a person. You could also keep the communication, but instead of going with the flow, have your own intention clear and applied. I would keep in mind that whatever the two of you exchange electronically is not an indication of who either of you are, or can be or do. NOthing wrong with that, the net has offered us the possibility of virtual being the super anything we would like to be. Personally, I like it real, and the electronic to be just another enticing tool. good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Would You Compete for a Mate? Posted: 9/3/2007 3:20:37 AM
I compete with women for a job, the last pair of shoes on sale, a seat in the bus, but not for a man. If the guy I am with attracts competition, his attitude to that will reveal lots too. Of course we all compete while we are fishing, and fishing is not the same as catching. However, I am a lay back fisherwoman. have fun B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

People and Grudges and judgeing People Posted: 9/2/2007 4:09:18 AM
OP, Last time I check, omission is a form of lying. Nonetheless, and depending on the level of involvement, your income is nobody else's business but your. However, the subject of 'what do you do for a living' is one of the usual suspects when it comes to getting to know someone (if nothing else, it beats chatting about the weather). Everybody seems to be extra sensitive to being lied, that's true. Lies a person tells can say more about them that their truths. It is not about the lie, it is about what they mean = insecurity, attitude towards life and other people, self respect, pride, whatever. It is never about the particular lie. What I don't understand is why this lady invited you to stay at her place and fed you? Have you been seeing each other that long? In which case, how long do you prolong an omission? How many other type of lies do we need to tell in order to maintain an 'omission'? OP, maybe this lady was not judging you as much as she was judging how good or bad (or whatever in between) a relationship with you could be. Good luck, and it is great to learn from our mistakes, move on, and make new mistakes... Take care

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 205 (view)

omg!! Not the phone! You must be an axe murderer or out for a cheap thrill..! Posted: 8/30/2007 7:36:56 AM
Personally, I don't like talking on the phone with someone I haven't yet met in real life. It feels awkward to me, it is my preference though. Emails and chats are more part of the internet connection, and different dynamics apply. I prefer to make arrangements to meet and hear the voice while looking at the face, and expressions. After that first ice breaking meeting, then I can phone and talk all you want. However, I wouldn't block anyone for asking me to phone him. I would tell him exactly what I just wrote here. I would block him only if he becomes seriously aggressive. But I don't block, never had to, anyone really, ignoring seems to be enough clue after a while for most people. Hopefully, I'll never encounter a psycho.

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 109 (view)

You have your life ,, would you give it up ? Posted: 8/30/2007 7:16:31 AM
When we 'fall' for someone, we fall for who and what s/he is. His/her life is what makes that person so attractive to us in the first place. If they are active, involved and have a 'life', that makes us want to be part of it, in that special way. If that person begins to give those things up,, what are we left with? There's such a thin line between giving up and compromising. giving up sounds like a sacrifice, compromising is more like a natural progression to create a new reality of two, where there's no previous arrangements of how and what ought to happen but mutual appreciation for each other's lifes. It happens nicely when two individuals know what they want individually as much as a couple. Not easy, it takes two who want but don't need, no score keepers, no control maniacs.

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Ladies, can a man cheat on you and still be in love with you? Posted: 8/29/2007 2:19:36 AM
Simply put, I think that someone can cheat and still be in love with their partner. It is probably a kind of love that the cheated partner wasn't hoping for though. I don't think that cheating is a reflection of problems in the relationship, or needs not being met. At least not all the time. I think cheating says more about the cheater's issues. I suppose we can always ask, after discovering the betrayal, if our partner is still in love with us. There's another question, probably more relevant for oneself, that usually comes later on in the realisation = are we still in love with her/him? Is it the love we original felt? Bye for now B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

what is love? Posted: 8/28/2007 6:31:30 AM
I think that Love is a delicious, spicy bunch of feelings and thoughts, a really enjoyable manifestation of insanity. And if both partners can take care of those, mutating insanity into the sanity of being imperfect but caring human beings, then it lasts, but not without transformations. Love is a work in progress, and sometimes workers go on strike,,, sometimes they work overtime. That's for romantic of course! Iwant no spicy love with my friends! I think that out of the jargon and concepts circulating nowadays, the one about self love (not selfishness!) is relevant. It is not unconditional however it sometimes tolertes more than reasonable, it requires to say and feel 'sorry' when it is due as much as it requires to forgive without forgetting, it needs space without being too separate. It makes you want to be a better YOU. How does one explains such a powerful and binding experience. Because that what I think it is, an experience. bye now B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

has free porn on the net become the middle-aged post-divorced person's new & safe partner? Posted: 8/24/2007 9:04:03 PM
'Tampopo'? Japanese food,,, ??? Thank you, I keep noting. By the way, I saw a couple (ok, maybe 4) japanese movies which without being porno, they were highly sexual. Any more recommendations?? Bye again

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

has free porn on the net become the middle-aged post-divorced person's new & safe partner? Posted: 8/24/2007 8:59:30 PM
'Spanking the Monkey' film? I'll have to google that one! Thank you I think porno could become a replacement, however, it could also become more 'motivation' to seek the real thing, where we create and play the story. I personally think that it's better viewed as a complement to a real life sexual relationship with someone else, and in some instances, given the right connection, could even be part of the couples' repertoire - watching together. It's true also, that things can be learnt, it's for free. In any case, it's good to know that it is 'there', in case of rainy days. Have fun B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

He said he wants to be my lesbian Posted: 8/19/2007 12:06:29 AM
OP, Few ideas on his lesbian line: 1) he wanted to explore his 'feminine' side 2) he has erectile dysfunction 3) he wanted to role play 4) he is bi sexual 5) he is not If he didn't elaborate on what side of lesbianism he wanted to get into, I would be grateful. The comments on surgically fulltime erected nipples, unless it came within some context in the conversation, must have been a puzzle for you. I would think that he wasn't actually talking with you, but instead, he was just thinking out loud? e-communication can be so totally different to the real life event. I don't know, some of us/them are so 'unconventional', one could make us/them into a case study or a science project. Good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 1062 (view)

Wow, you are pretty good..... Posted: 8/13/2007 4:19:16 AM
Wow wow, I started reading this topic and when I saw the many pages I decided to jump to the last one. To my surprise I found myself reading disputes. Pity. In any case, and going back to the origins of this, I want to say that the concepts of second chances and how they can work are really good. They say that first time is the best opportunity. I tend to agree with that, only, if we go for a second chance after having done lots of 'homework', sometimes a second chance can be more successful and gratifying than the first one. Besides that, by my practical experience, most of my second chances were a disaster. I agree mostly that when it is the woman who ends the relationship, chances to re engage are slimmer, and when they happen, 'her' levels of tolerance are lower. But hey! sometimes we need more than one go to something to comprehend in mind and heart that it is not what we really want. Crazy human beings we are,,, we fight so hard sometimes for 'things' we never really wanted in the first place. Ok, thank you for lots of good concepts. bye B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Not broken just don't get it Posted: 8/13/2007 4:01:47 AM
There must have been something really interesting about this guy that made OP keep on going. I would think that nowadays, roles are not that clearly defined, and women are encouraged to take the lead and being the ones pursuing (or fishing). However, and whichever role one is comfy with, the most important part it is to know your own standards and tolerance levels. For most of the time, people will try to push our limits (most of the time without bad intentions). Once we go beyond our standards we end up mad, upset, confused. I reckon the biggest upset is with ourselves, really, the other person was just being him/herself. I don't give ultimatum, or write rules, but I do have them for myself. It is a way of keeping my energy safe and 'happy'. OP, maybe the guy is married, maybe he is just after the adrenalin of getting women to chase him,, whatever, that is his problem. This would be a good experience to get to know yourself and your tolerance limits a bit better, and imposing them on nobody else but yourself. Maybe next time someone is rude on the phone, or gives you an excuse that you don't believe, why arguing? If you don't believe them, that's enough for you, trust yourself. Internet dating is tricky and very subjective. We might end up getting involved with the wrong person, or we might end up missing out the good one. In any case, the most important thing is to stay true to your own standards, while adding a bit of an open mind (but not too open as to lose your mind through the hole). Good luck, B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

I want you! (or do I?) Posted: 8/6/2007 3:57:11 AM
This seems like a leading question about relationships = can men and women be just friends? platonic I mean. I believe they can, but not when he has expressed clearly that he wants to have sex with her. Sweet Sally can't seem to see boundaries, or maybe she is somehow hoping that she'll convince Sweet Harry to enter into a relationship, and that his prize will be sex. Sweet Sally might want to let Sweet Harry have some playtime of his own, and maybe he'll be back once his playgrounds run their course. Otherwise, I agree with previous posters, the scenario is well set for playing games of control and will. OP, if you see Sweet Sally, my suggestion to her would be, let Harry behind when she goes out to functions. She might meet some interesting guy at the function and miss out on him while trying to escape Harry's hormones. Good luck to all of you. Bye B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Bad Boy another chance or run? Posted: 8/4/2007 10:26:16 PM
OP, I totally agree with tdh46's post. The guy you wanted was a package, now he offers a different one. Being with a 'bad' boy (or girl), awakens different feelings and 'highs' than being with a 'wuss' or sensitive person. I was, some moons ago, involved with a 'bad' boy, and when he tried and succeded to behave the other way, either I didn't find the 'strong' attraction/arousal, or I didn't trust him. He might have 'grown' up due to some serious incident in his life, people grow, and people outgrow people as well. Good luck, whatever you do Bye

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

Compliment?? Posted: 7/14/2007 10:25:12 PM
I would think that he is a bit of a 'crawler', or an inept charmer. I would think he is trying to warm up to you a bit toooooo soon. Don't understand the question about your kids, but then, I don't know his profile, or yours. At least he has not been rude or crude. First impressions are very relevant, however, I don't know how much they apply to the online communication. Good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

I think I need some advice, SERIOUSLY. how do YOU tell if someone is lying to you? Posted: 7/8/2007 2:18:21 AM
Everybody lies,, as Dr House would state.. It's not nice, it's not about you. Set up your own 'filters', the ones that you trust, and if 'he' passes with flying colours, he's either truthful, or a very good liar indeed. The odds are out there. I can only say, OP, do your soul work, and try not to make the next guy you meet, pay for what the previous did wrong to you. That's the highest price we might end up paying to a lier,,, ruining our own life, based on what someone else did. Good luck recovering bye

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Relationships for caregivers Posted: 7/8/2007 2:02:37 AM
I think it is as realistic as your practical and emotional resources can be. Being a caregiver gives you a different set of circumstances, however, you are still one side of that humanity that also needs nurturing and contact from your stand. I would think that at times like that, a caregiver needs more emotional support, in general, than ever. A site like this might not give plenty of opportunities, but you never know. As you wrote, people within your/mine age group are at the similar stage in life, and likely with similar circumstances? An idea? You could join a support group for people who care for Alzheimers/dementia family members? Nowadays, you can even join those groups on line, and meet someone local in the process. Even the institutions you have to deal with because of your parent/s might know of groups. I think that we have evolved to recognise that caregivers are also entitled to have and seek support while running a 'normal' life. Wishing you good luck Bye

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

Panic,why does this happen with the sleep overs? Posted: 6/17/2007 2:09:10 AM
Great responses. Overnighters, or sleep overs are subject to the nature of the relationship you are seeking. Personally, I think the worst that it can happen with a sleep over is that the 2 of you actually sleep. the best that it can happen is that nobody gets a proper sleep, and one of you goes to work wearing the same clothes they did the day before. It's all about feeling comfortable, and sometimes it is just a trial/error process. good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 66 (view)

arrogant men Posted: 6/10/2007 6:40:50 AM
This is funny, these characters are. It reminds me of a line, not sure if in the movie 'the spy who shagged me' with the Mini Me character. When the guy got introduced to a lady he would say: "It's a pleasure to meet Me"... Or that song? 'I'm too sexy for my shirt'.. I say, let the shirt keep him (or her!). The cell (mobile) phone to impress must be an international tactic!!! Or making sure you get to see his 4WD, the bigger the better, while he also informs you that he has a luxury sedan to trail his yatch.... No gender discrimination from my part though. I know women can do and be the same = just clowns. Personally, I am nothing like it, though, I confess that I haven't yet seen a mirror that I don't like a lot. Kidding. At least they make you laugh. B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

Sexual Addiction - Are you an addict? What's your definition? Posted: 6/10/2007 6:09:08 AM
Sexual addiction, or any addiction for this matter, has the power of taking over others, if not all, areas in your life. If an activity interferes negatively with your overall life, it's an addiction. If a particular activity or substance effects and affects your life (family, relationships, work, etc) and you have no control over, that would qualify as an addiction. Drugs are clearer examples of how an addiction can ruin one's life. I think that addictions can be not the problem itself, but instead, they can be a symptom of a more general problem in the person's personality. One example is given by the definition of a 'dry drunk' - remove the addiction to the substance, though their twisted personality stays. I don't know if this guy was/is a sex addict or just kinky, with particular fetiches. What I don't understand is why you, OP, agreed to watched or viewed these photos, assuming these photos didn't do anything for you, or if these photos in fact distressed you? Addicts tend to go well with people who go beyond tolerance in accepting and participating in their behaviours. Personally, I think, enjoy and seek my sexual expression on regular basis, as one would seek any other natural human needs. Maybe we all have stages where we seek 'abnormal' pleasures, however, as one of Anais Nin's lover told her, make sure that 'abnormal' plesures don't kill the taste for normal pleasures. Good luck B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

Sex for the sake of sex Posted: 5/30/2007 4:14:54 AM
I don't get it. OP, did your on line friend know about your real life special lady? I think it's possible to have sex for the sake of it, I think also that it will either fade or develop into a more connected interaction. Is having meaningless sex with other worse than having cyber sexual interaction with others? If we agree that the most relevant sexual organ is the brain/mind,, then,, unless one is brainless. Besides, I wouldn't like my partner to get all excited on line and then getting off with me. It would feel like someone else heated the water up for me to have a cup of tea. I prefer to do the heating myself. Basically, what's on and what's not on depends on each couple, and how they negotiate the 'exclusivity'. If exclusivity means only the physical, then having sex with others is a break of 'contract'. If exclusivity means physical and emotional,, well, you know what I mean. Good luck, but considering the way you both self indulge in extra curriculum activities, you might as well deserve each other. And if you find a partner who's ok with your sex chats, while she remains exclusive in all areas, you are a 'lucky' guy. Or are you? bye B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 203 (view)

Okay! That's enough of the expected ESP BS! Rules are, please? Posted: 5/28/2007 4:52:27 AM
Ok, not having read all post, here I dare anyway. Why do we need rules to captivate/entice/impress the other? I reckon the best rules are the ones we, ourselves, follow = be yourself. If she doesn't respond accordingly, she is not good or bad, she is just not compatible. What's the point of knowing the rules? Once you got what you wanted, are you going to follow rules or being yourself? Eventually, we will all find that spontaneous, honest and exciting person who really, factually, doesn't need to play games. We can only try, while being who we really are. Bye B

babbyme

Joined: 8/16/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

staying friends with your EX ( how hard can it be ) Posted: 5/28/2007 4:33:30 AM
Goddessofdreamsandvalues, I laughed with your last statement 'he's got himself a useless husband'.. brilliant. I also agree that remaining friends with an ex depends on how the relationship was and how and why ended. Having kid/s together makes it all more difficult, if not amicable, I would aim for 'civil'. I have remained friends with one, because the overall relationship was very respectful and caring, it just run its course. With a second ex, it would be impossible for me to consider him a friend. There was too much toxicity in the relationship and really, I ended up not liking him as a person, hence, I wouldn't pick him as a friend either. I think that regardless of keeping them as friends or not, we all need an initial period of total separation, until both parties settle their feelings. When an ex told me he wanted to be friends, I felt he was trying to prolong the agony. Space and time help to make the right decision, after all, if they are friend material, they will remain so. good luck B

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