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Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2023 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 2/2/2009 6:44:18 PM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention . She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2006 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 1/24/2009 2:23:08 AM
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. THAT'S FOR SURE!! I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. (I put the remote in a sandwich baggie - works great!) I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program . I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I' m pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army....and they promote the Gay Society, as well. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.... Now - Go have a wonderful day, ya' hear???

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2005 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 1/23/2009 11:30:56 AM
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2004 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 1/22/2009 7:44:53 PM
COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . . 65 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 60 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe. 50 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 40 above zero: Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 35 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. 20 above Zero People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows. Zero: Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats. 10 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door. 20 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors. 30 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile. 40 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?' 50 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2002 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 1/21/2009 6:50:09 PM
A RETIREE'S THOUGHT My wife said, "What are you doing today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished."

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2001 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 1/21/2009 6:48:44 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1993 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 1/15/2009 7:21:40 PM
The Tea Set One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know. ) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1981 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 1/11/2009 9:12:52 PM
THE WEDDING NIGHT Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet. She replies - No. Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - are Paul and Mary up yet ? She replies - No. Johnny says - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school . After school Johnny comes home and asks again - are Paul and Mary up yet ? His mom says - No. He asks - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - Ok, now tell me what you think. He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I gave him my airplane glue.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1980 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 1/11/2009 9:06:20 PM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1963 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 12/27/2008 1:34:20 PM
Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. __________________________________________ TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ______________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. ______________________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ______________________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ______________________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1960 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 12/23/2008 8:13:59 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!' 'The cop asked, 'What's he like?' The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1959 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 12/23/2008 8:12:53 PM
For all Grandfathers or future grandfathers. Driving with Grandpa A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter. One week in particular he came home sick, and on Sunday he was still battling a bad cold and really didn't feel up to going out for a drive at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, Grandpa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb stard or lousy shit head or son of a ** anywhere we went today!" Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Oyster Shooters and Beer Posted: 12/19/2008 8:53:30 PM
This must be the season for Pooping stories....

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Reindeer Facts Posted: 12/19/2008 8:51:26 PM
Please sir... This is supposed to be TOP SECRET. Santa's Herder Management

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1946 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 12/15/2008 9:00:48 PM
A lawyer and an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Indians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Indian would like to play a fun game. The Indian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Indians attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Indian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Indian and hands him $500. The Indian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Indian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? 'The Indian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. Don't mess with Indians! ! !

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1939 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 12/10/2008 8:18:21 PM
Next life. I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy. You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So you go to high sch ool: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, you play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally . .. . . You finish off as an orgasm.

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

Hilarious. Posted: 12/10/2008 8:11:21 PM
Sounds like Little Johnny

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1936 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 12/8/2008 6:40:56 PM
High School Government Class....true story....unfortunately. Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School . In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ... "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?" And someday she'll vote! She probably drives now, too.

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1931 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 12/4/2008 1:15:50 AM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of Boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'Willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree Mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas Tree'. 'A Christmas Tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Meat! Posted: 11/24/2008 8:00:34 PM
Speaking of.... One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?" The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!" She replies"Oh I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again "Them horses they're roping!" She replies"Oh I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries"What is that?" "Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma'rope!" She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!" Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?" "No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1925 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 11/23/2008 11:05:34 AM
The woman entered the room and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the soft, plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach, and stared in her direction. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate and assuring, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big!,,,,,it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again because she loves shopping for shoes.

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1922 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 11/19/2008 6:53:02 PM
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss. Every other day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.... "No way," the blonde exclaimed."I almost got caught yesterday."

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Who are you? Posted: 11/19/2008 12:48:42 PM
Imagine all the people ... yeah, John Lennon here

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 764 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 11/18/2008 8:50:58 PM
MISSING HUSBAND Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!' The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 763 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 11/18/2008 8:47:38 PM
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. ____________ _________ _________ __ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week ____________ _________ _________ __ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. _________ _____________________ _ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. ____________ _________ _________ THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. ____________ _________ _________ _ FRIDAY: I hate that ** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ____________ _________ _________ __ SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. ____________ _________ _________ __ SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 762 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 11/18/2008 9:16:54 AM
Since we just finished a presidential campaign, I figured political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing thequalifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years ofage. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair wasthe requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinionwas this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting herrant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argumentby stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified tolead this country than one born by c-section?"

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 330 (view)

Funny, but real names... Posted: 11/18/2008 12:10:56 AM
This brings up one incident I had and I could not stop laughing. I had just recently met a Harry through a friend and introduced him to my then boyfriend Todd. Todd ... Harry......Harry....Todd Todd needed a shave and a haircut at the time. They had no idea why I was laughing so hard.

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

More Logical Than Adam's Rib Posted: 11/17/2008 9:30:53 PM
That's the best joke ever!

miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1918 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 11/15/2008 8:49:43 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road? SARAH PALIN: It never crossed. Before it got to the other side, I shot it, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch. You betcha! BARACK OBAMA: We'll have to look into that. I had no prior knowledge of the chicken crossing the road. I was only eight years old at the time the chicken crossed the road but I'm sure he did it because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. ****CHENEY: Where's my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the others ide of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 47 (view)

Best Jokes Here... Posted: 11/8/2008 2:14:25 AM
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 46 (view)

Best Jokes Here... Posted: 11/8/2008 12:38:14 AM
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1907 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 11/8/2008 12:11:29 AM
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.. Do you have a piece of gum?

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1892 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/21/2008 9:40:27 PM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?". The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around. There is a silence for a few seconds before a female voice is heard from a distant corner. "I think my husband caught a glimpse..."

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

joke of the day Posted: 10/20/2008 6:42:08 PM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'' No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.......... So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little punk.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 107 (view)

What IS intimacy, emotional intimacy? Posted: 10/18/2008 12:55:43 AM
When you look at someone and really see them, feel their feelings and share your own. When you touch them, you feel the texture of their skin and interpret your own to them. When you open yourself up, they will know. Just for that one raw moment, they will share...no words can describe but actions speak volumes

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

Things that inspire you to believe... Posted: 10/18/2008 12:38:56 AM
When less than a two year old grabs as much in their little hand to share their treat with me. And I didn't even ask.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 92 (view)

What made you end your relationship? Posted: 10/18/2008 12:35:10 AM
I was losing who I had worked so hard to become and the only way I knew how to gain myself back was to leave

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

Is this something that should be bothering me this much? Posted: 10/17/2008 8:15:33 PM
Record your conversations....

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 63 (view)

alcoholic behavior.... can that change? Posted: 10/17/2008 8:07:51 PM
Start reading about Co-dependency, go to Alanon. But Leave. Find another place to live. Maybe it will wake him up.... unlikely not. I know how much you really love him, I've been there. And it's devastating to leave, it's very hard and heartbreaking...like someone died. It's not going to be easy. Get as much support as possible-like Alanon, friends, family ... anyone. You're never going to stop loving him. Maybe this way, you could help him even if it's hurting you. And if you read/fliers/watch videos enough about his behavior, you'll come to understand why. When he wants to quit, he will. Who knows what will happen.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 717 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 10/14/2008 7:34:21 PM
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the top. "REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Does a person deserve a partner with qualities that are different than what they have? Posted: 10/14/2008 7:32:22 PM
Some people wear masks to fool a partner with qualities, you never know what you're going to get. Once you're immensed in this relationship, the mask slowly peels off and once you realize what kind of person he/she is you've already invested selfless time in trying to stay afloat. You're trying so hard to fix things you don't even realize how much you've wasted away to this person. And when you get out, you barely survive the breakup. And for those that are in these relationships they're trying to fix, it's a very painful eye opener to see what kind of person you wasted your time on. So, no people that survive deserve better than that....

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Cursing at Work Posted: 10/13/2008 11:13:52 PM
Wow...this gives me wonderful memories of back when I was given a supervisor who knew not a crap about what our department did. He brown nosed his way to supervisor position and I rubbed it into reality every chance I got while our Veep watched and chuckled at the scenario. Unfortunately, he couldn't handle being the idiot and was moved to Customer Service for safety reasons. Veep told me if I stuck around, I'd be promoted to Supervisory position.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 255 (view)

Would you have a relationship with a registered sex offender? Posted: 10/13/2008 1:08:32 AM
Ah... hmm...ask the victim

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 178 (view)

Does True Love Ultimately Require Marriage? Posted: 10/13/2008 12:19:00 AM
If you think back in our history - everyone's history there were no ceremonies to claim you were married. And yes I think it's possible to be truly in love but not want to marry for reasons of their own.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 65 (view)

Going from Hi to bed?????? Posted: 10/13/2008 12:03:13 AM
Get used to it...

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Starting over Posted: 10/13/2008 12:02:26 AM
It took me three years. Book woke me up from hurting and made me realize I got some living to do! That was two years ago....

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 825 (view)

yes or no? Friends with benefits! Posted: 10/12/2008 11:53:32 PM
The few I've had always ended up with them wanting more.... So that's put me off a bit... So, no thanks

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Behind every man .... Posted: 10/12/2008 9:18:05 PM
What a smart woman! It takes less muscles to smile then it is to frown. Save it for when someone does something stupid.

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Commercial Advertising and The Power of Suggestion Posted: 10/12/2008 9:10:37 PM
So.... did you try it?

Miss49er

Joined: 8/21/2005

Msg: 1366 (view)

older women younger men Posted: 10/12/2008 5:17:34 PM
It's no wonder some older guys seem a bit jealous. But please don't hate the messenger, hate the player... Younger men actually prefer mature women and date them exclusively since girls their age are self centered, clueless about what they want in life and play way tooooo many head games. I've been told on many many occasions why they don't want to date women their age so I think it's the young men who should be held responsible for their feelings instead of yet again, putting it on women for attracting their interest. So if a young man decides to ogle and pursue an older woman, don't be jealous of the older women...be jealous that the younger men know what they want. At least they do the pursuing.

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