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benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Boo Hoo Posted: 10/9/2006 2:03:11 AM
A few suggestions. First, edit your profile so there's no grammatical or spelling errors. Second, consider losing the picture with your daughter. I'm sure she's your pride and joy (as are my two boys), but I personally would not post a picture with them in it here. Third, remember to be humble and recognize you're not the center of the universe. You sound angry - try and lose that anger and some good may come out of your efforts. Finally, be patient. You're new here. Go to your home state's forums and let people get to know you. Okay? Best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 125 (view)

Addictions - Are They Character Flaws? Posted: 7/18/2006 3:57:30 PM
Scott, you seem like a smart guy, but the question you rephrased is rather obvious. Of course people would not want to date people who are overtly selfish or narcissistic. As far as addiction relative to character flaws? Well as a member of AA for many years, we are sure of the following. We have character defects that led to and fed our alcoholism: the primary two are fear and selfishness/self-centeredness. Just a couple of humble points from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

How to cope with our children's sexual interests Posted: 7/18/2006 3:29:15 PM
That day is not too far off for me. My older son is 10 and he is dealing with early puberty (he has hair on his penis already!) and very keen on naked women. I am open and frank about things sexual, and explain that it's a natural God-given gift and therefore good. But, never to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed. Bottom line? It's normal. Only the names and dates change. Best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

OH boy!!! What do I do!!! Posted: 7/18/2006 10:46:38 AM
When you said "affair" to me it implies sex. If you did not have sex with the guy, then what did you do? Hang out? Eat? Walk in the park? This doesn't sound like a big deal to me. What's the real problem here? It actually seems kind of wacked. Well, good luck regardless.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

Im just curious Posted: 7/18/2006 6:37:26 AM
Good points, mizbex. You can deliver with, "I respect where you're coming from, but I feel...." Also, check your motives--why are you disagreeing? Are you afraid or coming from a selfish/self-centered perspective? Overall, I think disagreeing and being nice have nothing to do with one another. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be a doormat?" And really evaluate your personality. Are you a people pleaser? What do I really stand for? Honesty? Kindness? Patience? Tolerance? Just some humble thoughts from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Agnostics? Anyone? Posted: 7/17/2006 10:13:01 PM
Why has this thread gone down the religion debate road? The OP is asking if there are other agnostics here. I believe an agnostic is a person who does not believe in God. Correct? Well for much of my 39 years, particularly the latter part, I have not believed in God. That we were created out of the Big Bang and evolution. I thought, if there was a loving God/Creator, how could something like the Holocaust have happened? I wanted to believe, I was open to God, but wanted some proof that He exists and is in our lives. Over the past couple of years, I have been praying to nothing, the air I thoght. Most recently, I have been saying the St Francis prayer on my knees. I live in South Florida, and go to the beach to snorkel. A few months ago, I decided to walk a half mile up the beach and snorkel back to my towel. On the way, I was talking to God out loud, asking Him to show Himself to me, "reveal yourself to me in ways I can understand," and what do you want me to do? I got in the water and started snorkeling. A couple of minutes later, a small tropical fish (brown with white stripes) started fluttering around my goggles. I thought it was stuck, so I tried to get him free. He wasn't stuck, he was swimming along side my head...then in front of my head, down to my shoulders, waist, back to my face. This continued for a while, and the fish even stayed with me after I pulled my head out of the water to clear my nose. I swam out to about 15 feet of water, and dove down to the bottom, swam along there for a little while then back up. Then, back to the shoreline. More nose clearing. That fish stayed with me the whole half mile back to my towel! I thought, this is NOT something that happens in nature. I believed (and still do) that it was a sign from God. I got out of the water and thanked him from the bottom of my heart. Bottom line? ASK AND WORK. My thinking is that everyone has a personal relationship with his or her God. Or they do not believe, or they try and prove God does not exist. Just a humble story from a grateful dude here in South Florida. Peace out. Ben

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

OH boy!!! What do I do!!! Posted: 7/17/2006 8:25:07 PM
[This affair in my opinion and my husbands helped us out alot. We are closer then ever. We know what we both did wrong....and are working to make things better. I couldnt imagine my life without him.] The first sentence makes no sense. What you both did was wrong? And working to make things better? BOTH? WTF. Are you from outer space? Get off this site, go to counselling, and focus on your children. Come on you goofy woman!

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

OH boy!!! What do I do!!! Posted: 7/17/2006 6:22:45 PM
Hey. Nice advice above and this goes along the same lines. Bottom line is that you've admitted that you yourself fuc*ed up. Glad you're going to counselling. I am certainly not a professional so it's kind of hard to give advice on this. Who do you have control over? Only yourself! So, my humble advice is stay out of their business, do not meet this woman (or guy) again, and simply leave them out of your future. Don't even accept phone calls. Question: What are you doing? Do you love your husband? You need to do some soul searching I think. Give yourself a pat on the back for being honest. Be grateful your husband accepts the situation and is willing to work it out. Best wishes on this tough situation from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 225 (view)

A hidden truth.. Depression... Posted: 7/16/2006 2:36:36 PM
Good story Princess Leigh. You are a strong woman - be proud of yourself. Hope your daughter's doing great these days. I myself have suffered from depression for years (after my Mom went through 3 years of ovarian cancer then died), and have been on meds the whole time. Recently, however, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which subsequently means more meds. We are not dangerous, and should not be treated differently from others. Everybody's got something going on. I agree that we can function normally on the right medication, but should not stop without a doc's help. Peace from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

still broken heart Posted: 7/16/2006 2:06:49 PM
Can you be more specific please, with just a tiny bit more attention to your grammar and spelling? I have no idea where you're coming from. Are you for real, expecting feedback on that sad excuse for an OP? Come on, you can do better than that!

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Not worth it. Posted: 6/23/2006 7:43:53 PM
Nick from Toronto...relationships do indeed take effort. But the benefits are huge. Your profile says you want kids. How's that going to happen if you don't want a relationship? I have kids and love them with all my heart. Pull your head out of the sand, bud! You're too young to be making such morose comments about love and relationships (which really are the truth...not false, not negative, just good. I suggest praying about it (ASK AND WORK), or seeing a professional to find out what's going on in your head. Best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

need advice if i was being played Posted: 3/17/2006 11:59:41 AM
I read this OP and some of your comments; I have no idea what you're talking about. I agree with sceptic way above - use punctuation and improve your grammer. I thought you were about 10 years old. I'm glad some people understood your run-on sentence ramble about 'getting played.'

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

fastest broken heart remedy? Posted: 3/17/2006 11:16:10 AM
Hey guy, your profile says you enjoy traveling...come down here to South Florida during your next break...enjoy the beach, the bikinis...go fishing out in the ocean. Just do for yourself. The chick: you can't change yesterday, nor can you change her (like the guy with the long post nicely said). So focus on what's really important to you TODAY. Have absolutely no expectations of her. Go through the grief process and reach for acceptance. God, you're so young; enjoy yourself right now before life gets tougher. I suggest maybe some casual sex, but not a deep relationship where you have to give so much of yourself. Work hard at school, have fun, figure out what you want in a career, and then get a great job. Later on reach for the love of your life. Just some humble thoughts from the Sunshine State. Best wishes to you, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

broken heart, need advice Posted: 3/17/2006 10:32:20 AM
The thought for the day is that everybody defines 'love' differently and the word carries so much weight...what is this guy's (and yours, confused) definition. I'd not focus on that element of the break up, but rather on what are YOU going to do now? What are your goals, your motives? When I was your age, I know I was extremely self-centered -- and now at 39, finally realized how important it is to think about, and do for, others. Pray for the guy - maybe he is just so selfish that he cannot handle a serious relationship yet. Perhaps this relationship just was not meant to be, and believe there's bigger and better experiences in store for you. Best wishes to you from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 91 (view)

I love you... but I'm not in love with you Posted: 3/17/2006 8:46:27 AM
It really depends on a person's definition of "love." Mine is broad - wanting the other person to be happy, all good things for them, and for them to grow spiritually. "Love" or "in love" isn't really relevant to me. What is "love?" The bottom line is the OP's guy doesn't want a relationship any more, so it seems. You cannot change another person's feelings/behavior, only your own. So allow yourself to feel and go through a grieving process that involves denial, anger, depression, and hopefully ends in ACCEPTANCE. Have a good day from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

As though my heart got ripped from my chest. Posted: 3/16/2006 4:46:24 PM
Tough stuff, guy. May Putz RIP. What's done is done--you can't change it, so move forward and be grateful that Putz was a part of your life. And how do you know Putz was in no pain? Maybe she was. As for the lady - she made a suggestion and you acted on it. Who knows why she advised that...maybe driven by something in her past. Believe that her motives were pure and that Putz's suffering is over. Perhaps that will help with your regrets. And then she left? Who knows why...look at it as her loss and that it was not meant to be. Get a puppy and keep fishing, partner. Peace out from South Florida to Canada, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 70 (view)

When you've acted like an ***, and it's time to own up ... Posted: 3/14/2006 6:14:37 PM
I'll never label anyone else an 'alcoholic,' only myself. Consequences due to drinking? I had had them for many years before getting sober. When I was married, I used to say things I didn't mean, and towards the end changed from a 'happy' drunk to an angry drunk. And I'd forget conversations we had. Ok? Today I don't say 'I'm sorry.' It doesn't mean anything. If I'm doing something that upsets someone, I just stop doing it. "Own up" by promptly admitting you're wrong, understand the other's feelings, and just quit it. Very simple. Best wishes on your path, Mo, from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

broken heart by my falt. Posted: 3/14/2006 1:56:57 PM
How does she feel? Is she hurting too? Probably. Communicate about each other's feelings and behavior. Try and think less about yourself and more about her and the kids. I recognize that you put yourself in a stressful situation. What's done is done - you can't change it. It's not all your fault - it takes two to tango. Move forward with a positive attitude and be honest with yourself first and then her about where you want to go with this relationship. What does she want? Hope things work out for ya buddy! Best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

your opinion wanted-separation Posted: 3/14/2006 12:50:24 PM
I agree that 1.5 hours is a long way from the city. That's a real hike to go back and forth in one day. Good question molonel! I believe the OP needs to take a look at his role/behavior with regard to this abrupt separation. I neglected to mention that earlier. Take some personal inventory rather than point all fingers at her (when you point at someone else, there's also fingers pointing back at you).

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

your opinion wanted-separation Posted: 3/14/2006 11:36:58 AM
Vent away my electronic friend, it's therapeutic. What changed with her? Were there warning signals - that is, did her behavior start changing? Drugs? Someone else? In actuality it doesn't really matter does it? It happened, you can't change it, so what are you going to do about it? Go through the 5 stages of grief ending with acceptance. Remember, we are powerless over other people - we only can control our own behavior. I'm feeling alot of empathy for you right now and know it must hurt. My ex split with my 2 little boys and moved from PA to FL and her parents', largely due to my ongoing alcohol relapses. My heart got ripped out. I mourned and finally learned acceptance, and now live a sober life in South Florida and am close with my boys. My point is that you will go through some denial and depression, but that will change. Life is like a chess game, and you still have alot of men left. Maybe view it as her loss....oh well, 'I'll find someone much better and have awesome kids...' Perhaps like me, plan but never EXPECT results. That way you're less apt to be disappointed. Also perhaps talk with a psychologist who may help you understand what is really, from what you say here, a tragedy. Take good care of yourself. Best wishes from South Florida to the Great White North, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 96 (view)

should i answer yes to do i use drugs? Posted: 3/14/2006 11:19:28 AM
It's really a yes or no answer - if I smoke pot or use any other illegal drugs, the answer is 'yes.' But it's a matter of personal perspective, attitude, and honesty level. If I still smoked ganga (I got an economics degree from Penn State Univ. pretty much stoned all the time), I probably would not identify that on here. It's a public site and I'd perceive my pot use as totally private - even to a potential 'date.' I'd bring it up with her if it needed to be brought up (e.g, if she asked me, if it would impinge on what we are doing or have planned, etc). So I can only speak for myself regarding the OP. Should you? I DON'T KNOW - IT'S UP TO YOU! Best wishes on your quest from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Would you, could you, in a ..... Posted: 3/14/2006 8:16:43 AM
Would you, could you, outside in the rain? (in South Florida) Would you, could you, on a train? (ok this one's not true, sorry) Would you, could you, in a bathroom stall? (At Penn State University) Would you,could you, when she crawls? (my personal favorite)

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

Please, Please tell me that I have some hope of finding love. Posted: 3/13/2006 8:59:19 PM
You sound like a good guy DRE. Focus on what you want and you'll get it - do not focus on the negative (b/c that's what you will get). This is deep stuff you're going through - I would suggest seeing a professional to figure out what's going on with YOU - not other people. Keep this in mind - you have no power over other people - just yourself. Forget for a while your looks. Focus on developing who you are and what you stand for. You're only 24 - I wasn't married til 30. Stay in the day - yesterday is gone. Plan for the future but do not EXPECT results. Think positive. Hope this helps. best wishes from south florida, ben

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Very favorite quotes from movies. Posted: 3/11/2006 1:12:39 PM
Adam Sandler -- Happy Gilmore -- 'Hey old man river, zip it or I'll break ya hip!'

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Staying in Love... Myth or Scientific Reality Posted: 3/10/2006 10:29:07 PM
Thanks my electronic friend - you seem like a cool guy - nice to meet you!

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Staying in Love... Myth or Scientific Reality Posted: 3/10/2006 10:24:07 PM
Arch - cool stuff. Does it prove or disprove the existence of God? Have a good website to go to? (Sorry off topic here).

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Staying in Love... Myth or Scientific Reality Posted: 3/10/2006 10:13:16 PM
Perhaps - output vs input. Interesting I had thought the word physics when I was typing before!!!

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Staying in Love... Myth or Scientific Reality Posted: 3/10/2006 10:09:51 PM
Extremely insightful and well thought out responses here. I think this really depends on how you define 'love.' It may not be a word that can really be given a good definition. M Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled defines love like this: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. This implies effort - so to stay in love you have to make an effort - giving and not being a selfish taker- my definition of love is more broad - simply wanting the other person (and doing things to help) to be happy. I agree that it is not scientific nor really measureable. But it is truth and stands for all things good, including nurturing children.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 81 (view)

if u were to commit suicide how would u do it? Posted: 1/8/2006 5:25:10 PM
Thanks for sharing thebrokenhearted; heavy duty gratitude story. I agree with you regarding talking to people going through similar feelings and life experiences. Along with relating with them (rather than not fitting in anywhere as you, OP, noted earlier), you are able to help people with your sharing of yourself. That's a GREAT way to get out of yourself and the negative tapes playing in your head. I do not agee that chemicals aren't a factor in how you think and feel. You are 18, and the chemicals in your body are still changing up. Give yourself time to stabilize; you will not always feel this way. And anti-depressants and bipolar meds have helped me enormously. Find the best psych you can in your area and get another evaluation. And DON'T drink alcohol. It's the strongest depressant drug out there. Hang tough, rely on others for help, and give yourself to others. Lots of people here do care you know. All the very best to you from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

New Years Resolutions!! What's yours? Posted: 1/8/2006 8:31:34 AM
Well, I'd have to say the biggie is training my mind to focus on my positive intentions (solution) rather than the negative fears or worries. I need to stay in the moment rather than anything at all in the past (which is what our computer/brain knows best). Always to ask myself "What am I thinking?" To correct my thoughts at the precise moment they occur. And, to DO rather than TRY. Best wishes to all from Ben in Delray Beach.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Ft.Lauderdale! Posted: 1/8/2006 8:27:02 AM
Hey bud, I can empathize. I think the women on here get bombarded with emails because, from what I've heard, the number of men largely outweigh the women. A suggestion? Go to the Profile Review forum and then edit it based on what is recommended. There's always room for improvement, and you want to introduce yourself in the best light possible. Best wishes from Delray, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Is this okay? Posted: 1/8/2006 8:17:48 AM
Hey I totally agree with what yendor65 said and others here, esp. Dacainaru right above me. Good advice. Your profile says you are looking for "long term," and you're not even divorced yet. Easy does it! Right now, your decision should be either work on the marriage, or not. Do you have friends in town? How about family? Rely on these people, forget about cuddling/kissing for now, make a decision and follow through with it. As a couple people have pointed out: you would be cheating too right now! It's dishonest...and your profile says you abhorr liars and cheaters. This question of yours should not even be entertained in your mind right now. What are your intentions, your desires? Focus on a solution and train your brain not to focus on fears or worries (what you don't want), but rather on what you DO want. Best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

When you walk into a room ..what do people usually notice first about you :) Posted: 1/8/2006 8:05:16 AM
I have absolutely no idea. Never queried and never been told. Actually, I'm a pretty average dude! I hope (it is my intention) that it's my smile.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

Looking for some advise on numbing a broken heart Posted: 1/7/2006 8:56:32 PM
Good thoughts, BK. Chastlin, a few years ago, my wife packed up and drove with my little boys from Philadelphia to her parents in Florida...because of my relapses on alcohol while trying to work the AA program of recovery. So I can relate to your feelings of guilt -- essentially that you caused the breakup. Well, remember it takes 2 to tango. It's not ALL our fault. I really drowned myself in alcohol and drugs after she left, and as an addict/alcoholic that just means trouble...depression...vicious circles that spiral downward. In addition to some of the good advice I've read above, I would suggest getting out of yourself (resenting yourelf? self pity perhaps?) by helping others; volunteer your time, figure out how you can best give of yourself to other people. It's helped me in the past, and today too when I get in a funk. No time to focus on our own stuff when we're helping others. And prayer is really a good thing for me too. Pray for her health, happiness and prosperity every day for a few weeks - and the sting goes away. Very best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Broken on Christmas Day Posted: 1/6/2006 10:40:24 PM
1. I agree with jesie. You can meet women you'd not have met without the internet. 2. I believe it is generally safe. Again, as Jesie said, do some preliminary emailing and phoning before committing to meet. Use your gut as to whether it "feels" right. 3. Absolutely don't be discouraged. Most women I've emailed do not respond for whatever reason. Part of it may be the sheer number of men vs women, and many get overloaded with emails. But I have met a couple of ladies so don't give up per se. I saw one woman for a month until we had some differences and parted ways. Be strong my good man-I know what it's like to divorce with kids. Peace out from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Undecided and going bonkers! Posted: 1/4/2006 3:35:58 AM
Well, I can relate to what appears to be personality differences, but not to the distance issue, which takes a back seat here for a moment. I was with a woman for about 6 months in 2004. Understand, perhaps somewhat like you, I am more of the touchy-feely, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. That's just who I am. She was somewhat more aloof to me, sort of less open emotionally and verbally on a deeper, more feelings-based level. In my gut, I knew something wasn't really right about this relationship. It ended because we started drifting apart, then I had a bad head injury.....but our personalities were very different! And I had fallen for this gal in a big way; there was this sixth sense that my feelings for her were much stronger than were her's for me. Looking back on it today, I wish I had more time with her to let the relationship grow, albeit slowly. So, if I were you, put the distance issue aside for a second, and use your gut. Maybe you're just two very different people in terms of basic expressiveness. What does your gut tell you? Your personalities are unlikely to change much in the near future, eh? I'm glad you are holding off on the move for now, but will continue to see her and get to know her better. Anyway, just my quick thoughts without knowing lots more. Very best wishes to you from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 64 (view)

Would you date a recovering alcoholic? Posted: 12/30/2005 1:27:50 PM
Slseeker...if you just ended it with wantedonegoodman like that, in my opinion it was very uncool. Have some integrity and speak with her in person in private. Don't post stuff like that on a forum! Take responsibility for your actions! While I congratulate you on your 50+ days of sobriety, there's lots of work to do to rid yourself of the fear and selfishness that's been running your life thus far. I strongly recommend getting a sponsor and working the steps. I am speaking from experience and I only want the best for you. Take good care of yourself, and one day at a time from south florida, ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 48 (view)

Why do some men say I love you right off the bat..and mean it??? Posted: 12/30/2005 1:00:41 PM
I would ask him how he defines "love." "Being connected to you in a way" you can't understand is very vague -- ask him what that means. Ask him to help you understand because you're confused. My definition is very broad in that my love to a person means that I simply want them to be happy. Keeping it simple in South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

what would you do? Posted: 12/29/2005 3:57:40 PM
No angeldelight, I never abused my wife sexually or physically. This guy's behavior makes me sick. In hindsight, this goes way beyond drinking - it sounds psychopathic.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

how do i find a good wife around here?? Posted: 12/29/2005 2:46:11 PM
Iammrright: Well done, my brother! It's so great to see someone help without expecting anything in return. You've got the spirituality thing going! And OP, I'd take this guy's advice - a dramatic improvement vs what you have now.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

what would you do? Posted: 12/29/2005 2:01:57 PM
Bulcanan and softbaby have hit the nail on the head. Bulc offered some very good questions for your friend's self-assessment. She needs to PROCESS the situation and LET GO. And softbaby is right on that this guy's behavior (drinking, anger, blaming, fighting) points to an alcoholic. As an alcoholic in recovery, this sounds like my old behavior - restless, irritable and discontent. She may want to try going to Al-A-Non where other women who have been through similar situations really will give her the help she needs. Best wishes from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

how do i find a good wife around here?? Posted: 12/29/2005 10:42:15 AM
Go to college.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

Honestly… what is more mighty the pen or the sword? Posted: 12/29/2005 9:25:01 AM
I recently read a book called the Four Agreements...1. Be impeccable with your word, 2. Don't make assumptions, 3. Don't take anything personally, 4. Do the best you can at everything you do. Cool suggestions for living, and number one relates directly to this thread. Words are incredibly powerful. Think before you speak, with others feelings in mind. I have used my words unwisely in the past - caused much hurt to those I love. Today, I avoid using my words for purposes of venting anger, manipulation, justification, judging, generalizing...And if we're honest, we don't have to remember what we said! I don't have a cool story about how words saved my butt, because that was in my manipulating days. These days, if someone says there's an issue with what I say (or do), I take a look at it ... who knows, maybe they're right! Peace out from South Florida, Ben. PS TallDark...it's a beach day down here!

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 47 (view)

What do you expect the other person to bring to a relationship? Posted: 12/28/2005 7:22:15 PM
Extremely well said, Thongluver! I agree with much of what you've said. I would like the other person to bring altruistic values to the relationship...being able to give to/help people without EXPECTING anything in return. The gift of giving, as they say, is truth and it's love in my opinion. Forgiveness as well - is key as is compassion and tolerance for others. Sound unrealistic? Not at all.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

Would you date a recovering alcoholic? Posted: 12/28/2005 9:52:47 AM
Good for you wanted1goodman! The AA program is a beautiful way to live - with the key focus of staying sober and helping other alcoholics achieve sobriety...and helping people in general. Bottom line? Ridding ourselves of the selfishness and fear that helped fuel our disease. The program's also about patience, tolerance, and acceptance...honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness...wonderful values for all people, not just alcoholics. On the other side there's Boise, boise, boise...come on now big guy. I'd say the arrogance and ignorance is coming from you, not me. You are making recommendations to someone in need of good, well-thought out advice, but your comments are really out of line...maybe you ought to attend some 12-step Al-A-Non meetings so you can quit judging a large segment of the population and begin to respect different types of people.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

Would you date a recovering alcoholic? Posted: 12/27/2005 7:39:47 PM
Wanted1goodman, don't pay attention to boise. He's making gross generalizations and judgements based on some personal experience. Rather full of contempt I'd say.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Half naked people only here for the forums Posted: 12/27/2005 7:22:17 PM
Perhaps too much sarcasm on my part. I suppose my post is an element of curiosity as to why you're curious about something that you essentially can't change...other people; which only leads to frustration and your OT seems a little on the aggravated side. Sorry you feel that way, and I really meant no disrespect. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Half naked people only here for the forums Posted: 12/27/2005 6:51:08 PM
I'll take "Obscure topics of concern" for $500 Alex. No sorry, Alex, how about "Why does she really care?" for $1,000..

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

What's up with people from this site?! Posted: 12/27/2005 5:00:31 PM
Ummm.....it's the Holiday Season and people are busy??? POF emails not a high priority??? Just a wild guess here. Chill out bud. You just joined a couple of days ago. Take some deep breaths, put on some Bob Marley, and smoke a cigar. Easy does it from South Florida, Ben.

benjammin66

Joined: 8/28/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

What should I do next??? Posted: 12/27/2005 1:10:05 PM
I have mixed opinions here. I agree with TallnDark above that altruism is the true spirit of friendship - that is, giving of yourself without expecting anything in return. If you have no expectations of her, you're less likely to get disappointed. But don't let her walk on your emotions. Sounds like, for now though, she's not ready or willing to give herself back to you. And OnePinkHeart raises some good points too. Basically, let go of her, given what she's said and done. To me, not returning those phone calls tells a big story. And her trust issues too. I guess it depends on what your feelings for her are at this point. Are you willing to totally let go, or do you think you really want to hang in there and wait? Sounds like the latter...so yes just go with the flow, let her lead for now, and don't proactively call her every day...maybe if you don't hear from her for a week or so give her a buzz. Always try and think/act with her in mind - the trust issue, whatever else is key for her. Positive thoughts from South Florida, Ben.

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