Genie chat & forums.

online dating service

REGISTER | MAIL/PROFILE | HELP | NOW ONLINE | SEARCH | RATING | FORUMS | SUCCESS STORIES

Posted In Forum:

Home

login

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Genie

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Genie Posted: 7/26/2008 12:23:06 PM
A cowboy has spent days crossing the badlands without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it, and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie..."You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an Revenue Canada genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink. *POOF* The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." *POOF* The cowboy finds himself showered in rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." *POOF* He turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

The Five Levels of Hangover Posted: 1/16/2007 9:16:22 PM
I got this in an email and decided to share it. I thought it was funny. The Five Levels of Hangovers One Star Hangover () No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover () No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover () Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once. Four Star Hangover () Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover (*) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you as passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now... * THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon * THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate *** THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: 1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2.) Nope, no more booze for me. 3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight. 5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. 6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 785 (view)

Favorite Quotes Posted: 1/16/2007 9:12:28 PM
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer." ~Author Unknown "Experience is the hardest teacher, it gives you the test first and then the lesson." ~Author Unknown "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" ~Author Unknown "Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." ~John Lennon "You can't have everything... where would you put it?" ~Steven Wright "Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad." ~P.D. East

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

9 reasons to become an evil villain Posted: 10/2/2006 9:25:23 PM
In case anybody actually NEEDS a reason to become an evil villain, here are some of the perks of the profession. Found this on ShoutWire. 1. You will have more friends Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst. 2. You get to laugh maniacally Good guys don’t get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating. While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of opportunities that come with a career in villainy. 3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds of toys Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for. Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too. 4. Hot chicks dig evil guys You never see an evil villain with a busted ass woman. Sure, they may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies don’t ever lie. 5. You will be safe from everyday accidents Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesn’t happen. You won’t slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then… 6. You don’t have to worry about anyone killing you Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your path of world domination. 7. You can kill anyone you want You won’t go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They can’t even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your shed. It is in the charter when you join the union. 8. You get to dress how you want You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment. This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill anyone you want and can’t be killed back. Remember, no one ever made fun of Magnetos helmet… 9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a match for any hero facing you “But zero, Batman would kick my ass in two shakes of a stripper’s ass…” None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you aren’t doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the ground.

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Best movies of 2005 Posted: 1/16/2006 8:39:54 PM
I've got to agree with dimples about Walk the Line - excellent movie I saw Sahara last night, it surprised me, I thought it was really good. Ray I thought was also very good - that might have been '04 though, not sure...

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

24 - The Jack Attack is Back, Jack! Posted: 1/16/2006 8:36:23 PM
Tonight's show was amazing - Jack owned those guys with the 'Flank 2 position'. Can't believe stupid yellow-tie got away... Jack shouldve kept his eye on that dude. I don't think Tony will die, Tony is way too pimpin to get killed off in a half ass carbombing.

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

The Bachelor Posted: 1/16/2006 8:30:49 PM
hey if that were the case I'd be alot more likely to tune in!

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

can someone take a look at this? Posted: 1/16/2006 3:04:28 PM
hehe thanks, I've changed it around a bit, hopefully that helps. Had trouble with a good tagline because they need to be so short... the one I have now is different at least... my buddy has a camera that might have some better pics of me on it - I'll ask him if I can borrow it :)

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 98 (view)

Are men turned off by women who enjoy Hockey and Football as much as they do? Posted: 1/14/2006 11:16:13 PM
Yea its awesome if a girl can sit and watch a hockey game with you and enjoy herself. More and more girls seem to be getting into it too, which is awesome. A girl who can keep up when drinking beer is a much stranger concept to me... lol

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

How about those leafs!!!! Posted: 1/14/2006 11:12:11 PM
Lindros started out really well I thought. I was pretty sceptical when I heard he was signed in the summer, but he proved himself in the first part of the season. Hopefully they can get him back on the ice soon... its his wrist, right?

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

The last song to be stuck in your head ? Posted: 1/14/2006 10:45:32 PM
I had the Beatles song Let It Be in my head for a couple of days last week, before that it was the acoustic version of Layla by Eric Clapton. I enjoyed that one...

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Goals Posted: 1/14/2006 10:31:36 PM
I don't think it matters what you aspire to be as much as it matters that you have aspirations of some kind. It sort of shows that you are a motivated or ambitious person.

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

is anyone looking for a real honest man? Posted: 1/14/2006 10:13:23 PM
[cuban accent] I always tell the truth... even when I lie!

Joined: 9/2/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

can someone take a look at this? Posted: 1/14/2006 10:09:46 PM
Can someone please take a look at my profile? It seems fine to me, but no one ever answers my messages... what is it? -Joe

Show ALL Forums