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Thread: Help is on the way...

Joined: 6/27/2008

Msg: 478 (view)

Help is on the way... Posted: 7/12/2008 12:23:42 PM
Quazi, i can't thank you enough for your words. Deep down, i know ur right. The voice inside me is of what you just said......i just wish this pisces personality could let go.................. thats whats hurting me..... letting go of her, accepting the only girl ive ever loved is out there...... and she is 'helpless'. I'm struggling to understand what my existence is worth when she is so far away. I let her in, regardless of me helping her with her problems,,, i really thought she was someone who could help me with mine. I know i tried my best and i still pray for her soul regardless of how badly she treated me. I just wish, really wish, she understood how much i loved her and how much i tried, because all she will ever be left with over me is hate and nothingness. I wish she valued our time together, instead of forgetting it. She'll never ever know how much she hurt me, how much damage she did, which wasnt necessarily her fault. I just wish she knew. In fact, i feel desperate for her to tell her how bad i have been. I'm desperate to contact her parents and talk to them to get everything off my chest........ i would do everything. But i fear that if i was to get in contact, although i would be putting my own mind at rest...... what on earth would they think of me, to be so depressed? They'd think i was barking mad, obsessed, wierd... i dont want them to think bad of me.... but i'd love them to know how i feel right now. Is there no way i should get back in contact? If i told Jen how low i was.......... would she, i ask would she feel any compassion at all? Would she help me if i told her i couldnt move on without her help? ..................................... ........... or would i destroy her for selfishly stopping her from forgetting about me? If i feel any love for her still, is the right thing to let her go and listen to her final command. She told me to f**k off out her life forever. ....

Joined: 6/27/2008

Msg: 475 (view)

Help is on the way... Posted: 7/12/2008 8:17:57 AM
I didnt win the competition. It really doesnt bother me, because i realise there are so many more important things in life than work. For me, the most important thing right now is staying sane, and trying, trying and trying to fight this horrible depression that has weaped my soul. I don't know what to do. My heart is crying for this girl.... the fact that she has ended up back home after all this........... the fact that she is back to square one and wrenching every minute of every day...... it makes me cry. I know its not my fault, i know i did my best, i know theres nothing i can do... but the pain will not go away. I just wanna see her and cuddle her telling her she isnt alone, like i used to when she loved me. I would never have left her fighting this alone, i just wish she knew and let me help her. I know i could of given her a secure life. I offered her everything, a place to live, money,,, i would of even found her a job. She turned her back on all that as the BPD hit her hard, now i feel, she has lost everything good. And i lost a part of me.

Joined: 6/27/2008

Msg: 469 (view)

Help is on the way... Posted: 7/12/2008 3:43:34 AM
OH MY GOD. Who could ever ever beleive this. I went down to London for the design awards....... i walk in... and who is there staring at me.... the BEST FRIEND of my BPD ex. Jesus, it sent an absolute shiver down my spine, she had entered too. She was very nice, ,,, then of course we spoke about her friend. She told me she is in a worse state than ever,,, that she has in fact left my City and gone back home - so much for her new start,,, i do feel sorry for her.................................. I heard that she did to the next guy she left me for, the EXACT same she did to me, she has gone. Gone back to the hell at home she had when i met her. Its so so sad......................... cant believe it, especially learning of this news yesterday of all days. My past, re-lived.

Joined: 6/27/2008

Msg: 462 (view)

Help is on the way... Posted: 7/10/2008 4:21:42 PM
Quazi,, thanks for what youve just written, Im so sorry if i've brought back anything for u... but i can see how strong of person you really are now. Your right about accepting No. Genuinely, i beliee i have accepted whats happened, its cementing the damage thats the problem. At times, i feel pain, for the pain i went through, lol. July started as a great month for me..... but i do know what set me back 2 days ago. It was a combination of things. 1) starting counselling again which brought back everything.... 2) beleive it or not, a song on the radio that has stuck with me,,, 3) going out with my mates to a place... im so reminded of her. I feel bad for coming back on here and ranting about my misery, because i guess im ignoring the positive steps i have been taking. Im an emotional guy, sometimes i just have to let loose, and the people on here are the only ones that truly know what ive been thru. My doctor is a w.nker. He's taken me off the anti depressants because i told him i was still feeling very low............ now im even lower - lol. Gona sort it out next week. Im going to london tomoro for a design competition. If i win this,,,, everything ive been thru over the last few months would have been worth it,, so please say a prayer for me. Quazi, brown eyes and whoever else is reading, i thank you for your continued support as i try and sort my messed up head out.

Joined: 6/27/2008

Msg: 460 (view)

Help is on the way... Posted: 7/10/2008 2:14:27 PM
I'm so sorry guys to have to come back here. As u might remember, i have been trying to rebuild my life after a relationship with a Borderline girl which sunk me into the worst clinical depression i have ever had, and has left me feeling inhuman. I've been doing so so well for the last 2 weeks........................... but the last 2 days have hit me like a train. The pain feels worse than ever. It only takes one small thing to remind me........ and my world comes crashing down again. I don't know what to do. I feel like i need real psychiatric help,,, brief counselling with a guy who knows nothing about BPD isnt doing anything. But where can i get it? My doctor is useless, tells me i'm fine and that I just need to have some fun. HE DOESNT believe me when i tell him i am dying inside and crying my heart out everynight for the pain i feel, the ghosts that still haunt me. Im scared i will never ever get over this relationship due to the things i felt, pain i saw. I fear i will never get over this because she refused to give me the closure i begged her for, refused to make peace with me,,,,,,,,,, turned her back on me when she knew how desperate i needed help. I just cant take the pain anymore. I dont know what is wrong with me, i dont even know if i am crying for her, or myself anymore. I keep wandering, is she on the other side of the world having the time of her life,,, or is she slitting her wrists in her lonely bedroom in the lakes? Either way, it makes me feel SAD,, so so sad. Why cant i let go of the past? The girl treated me so inhumanely, she doesnt deserve a second thought off me.............. I just cannot see any light past this story i have written. My mind is almost hyping the last 6 months out like ive being kept prisoner and torchered in Iraq.............. how can i be feeling so desperately insane about having my heart broken by a menal girl? Why cant i stop obsessing about this girl, like she is some sort of SPECIAL ALIEN that landed in my back garden. Whats really, really, scary, is that when i feel like this, this low, this helpless in my own mind....... i feel like the only person that could honestly help me is her. I almost feel desperate to track her down, or send her an email. just telling her that i'm really not well and i need her help. But why would she help me now? She has no idea what its like for me to be in this depression. If i ever told her,,, she would flip, could feel bad, could ruin the life she is rebuilding if i got in contact again. Is this not a good idea? To tell her how insane i am,,, and ask her for her help. The truth is, if this girl came to see me, held me, told me everything was going to be ok and even apologised................... i know this pain would stop and i could move on. But this is never going to happen, is it? I'm insane, arent i,.

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