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Thread: never married, must be a virgin

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

never married, must be a virgin Posted: 1/10/2012 8:43:47 AM
I don't remember the statistics from recent studies, but I'm quite sure that the majority of 36 year old women who are in their thirties and have never married are not virgins. I think in the West at least, attitudes about sex are culturally determined. Religious training and beliefs are a part of it I'm sure, but mostly it's about the groups you run in and community attitudes. The only virgin I ever dated was my first wife. She was only 19 and I was about 5 years older. We talked about it when we first got together and she claimed she was not a virgin. Later, she told me she had made it up because she thought it would make her seem more attractive to an "older" man. I'm not sure which was true and couldn't have cared less. I could tell she was quite inexperienced.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Can we start over? Posted: 1/2/2012 4:14:05 PM
It actually sounds to me that you are in a relationship. I mean come on, you enjoy each others company, are friends, get along well and find each other sexually attractive. Why don't you just acknowledge it and go on from there. Gosh, people sure do try an d make things complicated. Just enjoy and see where it goes.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 110 (view)

honest feedback about sex within the first couple dates Posted: 11/23/2011 12:21:43 PM
There have been some interesting comments on this thread as well as some that to me just sound weird. I don't quite get how having sex too early would somehow make a woman seem unworthy of a relationship. I can only go by my own experiences and what I learned over the years. Sex is important. It's a basic drive, and not an option. Sure, YOU can choose to opt out, but WE have no choice at all. It's after all about survival. Dating is about sex. It's how we choose out partners, at least here in the West. It may be only for the night, for a few weeks, or for a lifetime. The argument seems to be about whether or not a women somehow loses her value as a long term partner if she “puts out” too quickly. Hate that term. Makes it sound like throwing your stack of chips into the pot of a high stakes poker game. So when should sex be added as an item in the dating game. I don't think there is any rule about it. Back when I was dating, after I had gotten over my adolescent awkwardness and fears, I learned that pretty much any woman who would date me would go to bed with me. No, not because I was so irresistible and sexy, but simply because that was a normal and fun part of the process. Sure there were still some girls who wanted to wait for marriage, but I wasn't attracted to them anyway. If we were attracted enough to continue to date, then we saw each other as potential mates. The timing, when we would actually end up in bed, was mostly up to the woman. I knew she was interested or she wouldn't be dating me. It was just a matter of how long it took her to feel safe and comfortable. It rarely took more than three or four dates. Did it ever end up as a one night stand? The only time that happened was a couple of times I hooked with a gal who was a stranger and we just got together specifically for sex. Sort of acting out a fantasy I suppose, and it was never much good, just making me feel foolish and wanting to get away quickly afterward. Of course not all dating relationships ended up long term, but I can't remember one that broke up because she was “bad in bed” (or I was). Sex is bonding for people, the pleasure, the closeness and intimate contact … I actually don't remember ever dating a woman because I was looking for a wife or long term relationship. But then I met a woman at a musical event after I had just broken up with a long time girl friend. She was pretty, friendly and outgoing. I thought she was interesting, and might make for a fun “fling” to help me get over my old girl friend so I asked her out. We got along very well. On our third or fourth date, it was a long time ago, I invited her over to my house. We played music and talked. I remember her standing in my living room, her head****d to one side listening to the music … she looked so adorable standing there that I just spontaneously walked over to her, lifted her face up to me and kissed her, for the first time. She kissed me back, then drew back, and asked me if I had feelings for her. I actually wasn't quite sure what she meant, but , I uh definitely had feelings, so I said yes. She just took my hand, led me into the bedroom, took off her clothes and lay down on the bed. I guess it wasn't too soon to spoil things. We have been married for about 25 years now and yeah, she is still good in bed, lol.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 45 (view)

The Move in or there is no relationship ultimatum Posted: 11/18/2011 8:05:28 PM
Gee, and I thought the time to move in together was whan you were married, go figure??

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

tell him your in love with him Posted: 8/18/2011 4:45:33 PM
Sounds to me like he has already told you that he is in love with you. People get too hung up on words and how to interpret them. Just tell him you are crazy about him too. Remember though that loving someone is really about how you treat someone, not just the butterflies in your stomach. It takes time and sticking with it even after the butterflies have gone. In a good relationship the do keep coming back now and again.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 3542 (view)

GUYS!!! If you met the right woman, could you wait for the sex till marriage? Posted: 8/15/2011 1:12:07 PM
Good Heavens, is this thread still going on? I think waiting is just a matter of choice. For very young couples planning to marry soon I think waiting is rather sweet, wanting to make their first time extra special. For people in middle age who have been married and divorced or widowed, waiting just seems rather silly and actually counterproductive. Of course it's just my opinion for what it's worth. Look, marriage is a sexual relationship. It's about a lot of other things as well, but sex is clearly what defines it. Dating is how we select our partners. We look for partners to whom we are strongly attracted sexually and with whom we connect emotionally and spiritually. People say they want a “test drive” or to make sure we are sexually compatible. We want to know if he or she is “good in bed”. I think that's a poor analogy. I mean come on, I'm male and she is female. If the “plumbing” is intact, we are compatible, lol. What makes someone good in bed, at least for me, is not just a strong physical attraction but the emotional bond that goes along with it. A woman who loves me will want to please me and make the effort to learn how. The real test for me was not about the length or intensity of the pleasure but how I felt afterward. After my divorce, there were a couple of women who were good in bed, eager and knowledgeable, but after the excitement was over and my heart rate slowed down, I just wanted to get up, get dressed and go home. The best partner I ever had in a purely physical sense was a woman I casually met in a used book store. We just looked at each other and it was instant lust. I have no idea why. She wasn't especially pretty or sexy looking in a conventional sense. We lived together for a couple of months. She was always eager and ready. I think she had made a comprehensive study of sex and all it's aspects. She was incredibly good in bed (or anywhere else for that matter). But, there is often a but isn't there. As time went on, reality in the form of work problems, financial issues, simple matters of preferred lifestyle began to set in. We were good friends and could talk to each other about things, but I never really “connected” with her in that most important way. I wasn't in love with her. Even the sex, as intense and pleasurable as it still was … it's hard to describe, but it began to feel like making love wearing a whole body condom. I could get so very close but still not really touch. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable and wanted to get away. It was that it wasn't complete, wasn't enough. I finally broke it off and moved away. I went back to a woman I'd met before, who fortunately still wanted me and married her. With her, there had been no barrier at all from the very beginning. Sex was pretty good at first and just got better and better as we learned more and more about each other. Actually the reason I didn't stay with her in the beginning was that I wasn't ready, having just gotten out of a long term relationship. So wait if you like, but I think back about my book store girl and realize I could have easily and disastrously married her if we had waited. The one I chose, and who chose me, the sex is still great after 25 years.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 243 (view)

I like Older Women because........ Posted: 8/13/2011 8:39:32 PM
I like Older Women because........ They don't yell, They don't tell, They don't swell And they're grateful as Hell .... Sorry, I couldn't help it ... I think I was a teenager when I heard that one. (my wife is an older woman and doesn't think it's funny, teehee...)

Greyspot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

His wife Posted: 5/12/2011 3:32:19 PM
Wow, how complicated. I have always referred to her by her name or sometimes as my former wife. Ex sounds funny to me sort of like excessive I guess.

greyspot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 114 (view)

Would you get yourself done if... Posted: 5/5/2011 4:05:59 PM
I’m don’t really understand why some men are frightened of the procedure. It was years ago, but after I broke up with my long tem girlfriend, who was unable to conceive, and started dating other women who were still fertile, I very quickly went out and had the procedure done. It took less than 15 minutes and was completely painless. Honestly, having a tooth filled was much worse. I was sore for a couple of days, but nothing that a couple of aspirin couldn’t take care of. I know everyone hears horror stories about somebody who… but its probably more risky getting on a plane in actuality. It is by far the safest and most convenient form a birth control available, at least if you are in a long term relationship The surgical procedures for women are much more invasive, painful and less reliable. The other methods are generally less reliable and often represent significant problems for women. Of course if you are young and may still want children you should use a non permanent method. When looking at risks though, people always seem to overlook the risk of pregnancy and childbirth itself. Modern medicine has made having a baby much safer, but there is still a measurable risk of damage or even death involved in pregnancy and childbirth. In all the discussion about the risks of birth control, no one ever seems to talk about that.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 52 (view)

New to a relationship, but have problems, NEED INPUT!! Posted: 4/20/2011 7:06:59 PM
I'm sorry to tell you but arguments happen in relationships, whether you have been together fo two week, two months, two years or twenty. People who have been together for a lot of years normally have fewer of course, or they wouldn't have stayed together that long, and they learn how to resolve them. We were sitting at the breakfast table a couple of years ago and my wife was going on at length about something that was bothering her. I have no idea by now what it was all about. She was upset and indignant about something and I'm sure I either disagreed or didn't think it important and wasn't saying anything. She finally stopped and glared at me and said: "you don't understand me at all!" I just looked at her and replied: Of course I don't, I've only lived with you for 20 years." At that point, she couldn't help it. She just burst out laughing and I did too.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Why does society put so much pressure on you Posted: 4/16/2011 5:48:02 PM
I think it sort of works this way: Friends and relatives who themselves are happily married, think marriage is a very good think and brings happiness so If they care for you, would like to see you happy too. Then thise who are unhappily married, well they say mizery loves company, lol. As for me, I can't recall any ever saying much about the subject.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 95 (view)

A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man Posted: 4/1/2011 10:34:27 AM
"A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man" Never heard that before, but it sounds pretty silly to me and actually damaging to a relationship. If you think you have to “keep score”, then your relationship is in trouble. The chinchilla is adorable and I had no idea they lived so long.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 189 (view)

Do all men want to find out how you are in bed before getting to truly know you? Posted: 2/21/2011 2:25:18 PM
Well, lonely Soul, certainly not all men will try to rush you into sex before you are ready. How long it takes a person to be ready seems to vary somewhat, but pretty much any man who sees you as a possible mate will want to bed you before they marry you. It sounds like you are pretty new to dating again and are perhaps making poor choices about who you date. How long does it take to get to know someone anyway? What does that even mean? Several posters have said a woman can tell withing a few minutes if she is going to sleep with a guy. Not being a woman, I can't say how true this might be but what I learned back when I was dating was that if a woman liked me enough to go out with me four or five times, she would go to bed with me. It was just a normal part of getting to know each other and deciding if we could or should make it long term. I know some guys talk about needing to take her for a “test drive”, making it sound like they need to see if she skids on wet pavement. Pretty silly really. They talk about compatibility. I'm really not sure what that means actually. I mean I'm male, I have a penis, she is female, she has a vagina, ergo we are compatible, physically anyway. But sex is about a lot more than having a warm place to stick it in if you are a man. With someone you want as a mate it's an emotional and spiritual coupling as well. Often that's the more important part. In the beginning, Like most people I suppose, I didn't really understand how important that part was.But as time went on I found that sex was a pretty good test of how I really felt about a woman, how connected I was. There was one who was essentially an FWB. I liked her, we did things together, bu after sex, I didn't even want to spend the night with her. A couple of others, afterwards, I wanted to pull away and not have her touch me in bed. I'm not talking about casual relationships. With the one I finally wanted to keep for the rest of my life, After a while, I didn't even want to pull it out.We used to joke about that. So, Lonely Soul, Don't get discouraged. There are lots of men out there who are looking for more than quick casual sex. It doesn't really even take oll that long to get to know them, the important things anyway.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 47 (view)

attraction and chemistry Posted: 2/10/2011 5:05:49 PM
K, I think this man could become a very good friend, but doubt that it could develop into anything more. Dating is all about finding and evaluating a mate. At the risk of pointing out the obvious, a mate is someone you want to mate with. If you uncomfortable even touching him, I find it hard to imagine that will change a lot, no matter how attractive you might find him in other ways. Internet dating has kinda turned things upside down. You “meet” someone online, his pictures look nice, you mail back and forth and find you like the way he writes. If this goes on for a long time without actually meeting, you can build up a unreal picture in your mind of what he is actually like. This is backward from the way it was not very long ago, when you met someone you found interesting for some reason and then dated them to find out more about them and whether you connected. Marriage is a sexual relationship. All the good long term marriages I have seen have had a strong sensual attraction at their core. Its very obvious, especially to anyone who has experienced that connection themselves. Can this kind of attraction develop over time? I doubt it if some of it wasn't there at the beginning I don't mean there has to be Hollywood love at first sight. This can happen but is rarely leads to good solid long term relationships. But if there is no physical attraction at when you first meet, I think it would be pretty rare for it to develop in future.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 71 (view)

The One... Posted: 1/20/2011 2:02:55 PM
Thank you Margo. I don't think I have ever heard it said so well before (msg 52) We tend to make it so very had when It doesn't really need to be. People often tend to get it backward. It's really not about finding someone who matches our long (and now tattered) laundry list and hoping they will love us. Rather, it's a joy and a privelege to love somwone. The way you get loved is to give love. The connection comes with time and patience and mostly just paying attention and accepting, working out problems fairly. We are surrounded by"ones" if we just take the time to look and think about it. Long ago I heard a psychologist say that pretty much anyone whom you might meet, date 4 or 5 times and enjoy their company whould make a suitable mate. Now of course I thought that was ridiculous when I heard it, but as the years went bye I began to usnerstand the basic truth behing the observation. It's simply that people, down underneath the "masks" are basically very much alike. As long as you avoid people who arw obviously damaged, those with severe character defects, it is pretty much true. Obviously people who are addicts, or alchoholics, criminals, or abusers are poor choices. If you pick someone to whom you are attracted and who are attracted to you, then the success or failure of a relationship has more to do with you and how you behave than with whom you choose. One old saying sticks in my mind in reference to arguments. "would you rather be right or be loved?

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 136 (view)

Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age? Posted: 1/10/2011 2:54:22 PM
Delusional? Of course not! Who said there should be an age limit on love? I met the love of my life when we were both close to 50 and we have been together ever since.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 227 (view)

Taking things slowly vs. wasting time Posted: 12/25/2010 4:22:28 PM
Slowly, or wasting time? ‘ People do tend to make things overcomplicated. If you have a specific objective something really wanting and not getting there nearly fast enough, then I’d say you were probably wasting time. At the same time, you may have enjoyable or just learning experiences along the way. In a dating situation, well some people seem to be awfully confused. Look, dating is about sex. It’s how we find and select our partners. If you are meeting and dating people with very different outlooks, say a guy whose whole plan is to nail as many chicks as he can in the shortest time possible and he takes out a woman who strongly believes that sex should be reserved only for marriage, then he is not only wasting his time but hers as well. At the other extreme, you have the “Patient” woman. “Dear Ann Landers; I met this wonderful guy who is perfect for me and I just love him to pieces. He told me he loves me too and wants to marry me but it’s been 7 years now and I can’t get him to actually marry me. Am I wasting my time???” Fortunately, most people fall in the middle of these extremes. My own belief is simply that you should do what you want and like except when it involves deliberately harming others. Yes I know it can sometimes et complicated. The best dating strategy is naturally, to try and pick out people with views similar to your own and who are not inflexible. Someone who is devoutly religious, is a bad fit with an enthusiastic athiest. As far as sex is concerned, once I grew out of my adolescence, and discovered that girls were just as interested in sex as boys were (sometimes more). I found out that pretty much ant woman who would date me would go to bed with me. I don’t mean on the first date, but if a woman, an adult not a teenager, liked me, was attracted to me enough to go out with me 4 or 5 times and I was similarly attracted to her, then she would be quite ready and happy to get naked with me. It’s pretty simple actually. If you are not just looking to get laid, most women usually pick it up right away, and if they were looking for a relationship, marriage being basically a sexual relationship, (that’s pretty much what defines it) they were as interested in checking out that aspect of the relationship as I was. I think my second wife said it best. She had and still has strong religious beliefs and doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. I was very attracted to her and obviously she was too. We ended up in bed very quickly and at her instigation. I asked her about it remembering while chatting some years later. She just said, “ I thought I was falling in love with you and starting to think of you as a prospective husband, and well, sex it too important in marriage to be left to chance”. I love how pragmatic most women actually are, much more so than men. Over a lot of years, I dated quite a few different women and found out that sex was a pretty good indicator of how good or bad the relationship was and how it was progressing. Like practically everyone, I wanted someone who was “good in bed”, but that didn’t mean someone who had down all the moves of a successful porn star. It was really about how I felt after we had finished. Like a lot of young guys I tried out the NSA thing a couple of times and found that for me at least it was pretty blah and left me feeling slightly embarrased and rather foolish. I met one lady after moving to a new cily who became I guess what you call an FWB. She was someone whom I had met years before, and after I brought her home from a dinner date she invited me up to her bedroom. Though we became good friends the sex was well pretty quick and without much pleasure. I never wanted to spend the night with her and broke off the “benefits” part after a few months. I later met a woman I lived with for years. She was a pretty blond and one of the brightest women I’ve ever met. We communicated pretty well but for me there was something missing, the all important emotional connection wasn’t really there. We had sex often but after I climaxed, I’d just want to hurry to the bathroom to clean up then come back to bed and go to sleep without touching her. My side, your side, probably why we never married. Soon after we broke up, I met the one I did want to marry and sex quickly became a very different experience. I remember joking with her after finishing and still holding her against me as we slowly cooled off after an espessially intense and joyful session. I told her, “lets not even bother to pull it out this time. We’ll just go to sleep this way and be all ready to do it again when we wake up in the morning”. Men and women do approach it differently. There have been lots of discussions of how and why. To me and to the women I datedd, it was something to explore and learn about early in dating. After all, dating is about selecting someone who will be our exclusive sexual partner for the rest of our lives, at least hopefully. If the person we are dating has different intentions, it usually becomes obvious pretty quickly. I do under people wanting to take things slowly. For some it is religious values, others simply the customs and mores of the culture. In other countries the customs are very different from the west. To me, the best reasing for not rushing into a sexual relationship with a new attractive date is the fact that sex is bonding for people. You can easily get strongly connected with someone who is otherwise a bad match.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Losing the chemistry and getting it back Posted: 11/18/2010 5:10:57 PM
I'm afraid I have to agree with Carol and Shell. When you are really emotionally bonded with someone , the "chemistry" doesn't just go away. Sure it varies from time to time. You will probably fight and want to kill each other (not really), but that is the nature of relationships. I want to laugh but not hurt your feelings. You make sex sound like a high school chemistry experiment or maybe a cooking class would be a better analogy. We made this cake a dozen times and it was always yummy, but now it tastes just kinda blah. Sure you can spice it up by changing ingredients slightly, changing the baking temp. but that's just a short term fix. Physical attraction between men and women is driven by our basic biology. Sometime you meet someone at the right time and under the right circumstances that just pushes all the right buttons and it's instant lust, and butterflies and cant get him or her out of your mind. That draws people together but isn't really love. It will also fade with time, a few month, a year, maybe two, In an ongoing relationship that is working, the initial physical intensity usually will diminish but the addition of the emotional and spiritual connection makes sex even more pleasurable. Young people in love usually want not only to be “bonking” all the time but want to be together as much as possible. Spark, you sound like you and your partner have become very good friends, but not really lovers. This certainly isn't bad, though obviously not what you seem to desire. Still you can't push a cart up hill with a rope... you make me a woman from long ago. I met her in a book store and it was lust at first sight. She felt the same way. I haven't a clue why either. She wasn't conventionally pretty or sexy. None the less, she was the best purely sexual partner I ever had, before or since. All we had to d was look at each other to be ready We lived together for a couple of months, but finally, well I guess you could say that the real world began to intrude, problems with finances, a job even aspects of her preferred lifestyle. The sexual attraction never really wentt away but I needed more. Like you described, we were very good friends and could talk about anything, but it sort of began to feel like having sex wearing a full body condom,.if that makes any sense. I could get sooo close but not actually touch. With my current partner, well the awareness, the intimacy, is there nearly all the time,.and we have been lovers for nearly 25 years. You may just have to fine someone else who will become more that just a good friend..

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

maztsa ball soup? Posted: 11/18/2010 11:06:33 AM
For the more faint of heart, like me, you can matzoh ball mix, prepackaged. You can probably get it at the same place you buy matzoh. I've used it several times and it always comes out just fine. As I recall, you just add and egg and a couple of Tbs of oil then simmer for half an hour in lots of water.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Old Fashioned Guy? Aggressive Woman? What do these labels mean? Posted: 11/14/2010 11:05:49 AM
Gosh, it sounds pretty normal to me. Just a variant of he chased her till she caught him. Why do people make things so complicated?

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 99 (view)

The Longer it takes To Get Her in Bed..The Lousier the Lover? Posted: 11/10/2010 4:00:24 PM
“Ok Guys...what's been your experience? The longer it takes to get her in bed, the less talented a lover she is? Or is there any relationship at all? Talent Vs. Virtue..The more old-fashioned...the less passionate/talented lover she is?” Talented or Lousy? Old-fashioned or passionate? And how long? I really think you are asking the wrong questions. It really depends a lot on what you are expecting or looking for in sex, at least it does to me. If you are looking for “recreational sex”.Then an experienced woman, attracted to you with few if any hangups is just the ticket. But the way the question was phrased sounds much more like a usual dating experience.. Sure, dating is pretty much about sex. It's how we choose our partners, be it for the night, for a month or for the rest of our lives. It's trying someone out for a relationship. In the not so good old days, before reliable birth control, and womens ability to earn a decent living alone, sex was reserved, in theory at least, for marriage. Now, except for those few with special strong religions beliefs, it's common for dating to become sexual before too long. Does the length of time before “taking the plunge” influence the pleasure. Not generally in my experience. I've dated women over a lot of years and pretty much any woman who continued to date me more than once or twice would sleep with me. The reason was pretty simple and obvious. If she would go out with me 4 or 5 times, she was obviously attracted to me and I to her. She by then was beginning to know me and feel comfortable in my company and beginning to think of me as a possible mate. I think the woman I married said it quite clearly. I asked her why she went to bed with me so quickly, I think it was our third date and she initiated it. She just said I thought I was falling in love with you and beginning to think of you as a possible husband, and sex is too important in marriage to be left to chance. She asked me if I would have waited for her for an extended period of time, say months, and I replied I wouldn't had continued seeing her indefinitely. I would by then have assumed that she didn't really find me all that attractive or had unacceptable (to me) sexual hangups. Anyway, to answer the original question, I think that if it takes a long time for a woman to get sexual, it's not going to be very good. If she falls into bed with you on the first date, she is most likely very experienced not to mention horny and attracted to you. The sex can be very good or just blah, but it rather unlikely to continue being good, unless a real relationship is formed.. So much of the pleasure of the experience lies in the emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection that occurs with someone you learn to know and love and trust and that takes time, often a lot of time..It usually takes quite a bit of experience, not with a lot of partners, but with the same partner.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 127 (view)

If she gave up sex for a month, would you spaz? Posted: 10/11/2010 4:08:51 PM
There arw of course, perfectly normal reasons to give up sex for a while, illness, injury, childbirth ... but some excuse like clearing my head? I actually had this happen to me once. It was a long time ago. We had been living together for a while and I thought we loved each other. Then we got into a fight on a camping trip over some silly thing like what t-shirt I would wear. After that she said she didn't see why she should have sex with me if she didn't feel like it, and she didn't. I was patient for a while thinking she would change her mind until I found out she had no objections to having sex with a friend of mine. Needless to say that ended the relationship rather quickly.w

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Is it o.k. to stay with someone without loving the person? Posted: 8/13/2010 3:59:18 PM
I think you are confusing loving someone with being in love. In other words I agree with most of the previous posts. Loving someone is not about constant obsessive thinking, wanting to be with them every minute, constant sexual obsession with the “loved one”. That's infatuation, makes for good low budget Hollywood film. (not really). You are correct that love is about behavior, how you treat someone, how you make THEM feel. It's not all about you and how you feel. And a lot of it is about choice. You choose to love someone, It's not a disease you accidentally catch. Your lady obviously feels insecure and increasingly unsure about your relationship. Otherwise she wouldn't be asking for reassurance. And just saying the words wouldn't do it anyway. For the relationship to succeed, you will need to make her feel loved, feel that you care, that she is the most important person in your world. At least this sounds like what she wands and needs. People often stay together out of convenience, as friends, friends with benefits I guess. That's OK if that is what you both want, but it's usually and unstable arrangement. One of the two of you begins to want and deed more than that. It really sounds like you aren't going to be able to stay together much longer unless you actually allow yourself to love her for real. Yes it's scary and you can get hurt but that's the way real life is. Just remember that having someone to love is enormously life enhancing.

Greyspot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Um,did he just ask me the Question??? Posted: 8/4/2010 5:09:57 PM
Gee, I'm with Alooo on this on. Sounds like he wants to buy you a ring, or maybe rings.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

Would you get yourself done if... Posted: 8/4/2010 3:04:58 PM
Would I get myself done? Would and did. There still seems to be a lot of fear and misinformation about the procedure which is really too bad. After recovering from my divorce, I met and started dating a woman who like myself had had all the children she wanted to have but was still fertile. The procedure took about 5 minutes in my doctors office and was completely painless. After the local anesthetic wore off there was a little soreness and redness for about 3 days. The actual discomfort was less that that of getting a good teeth cleaning by your dentist. Actually the biggest downside was having to wait 2 weeks before we could just go bare. The waiting was awful. lol You have to wait and get tested to make sure there are no live sperm left Seriously, I can think of almost no reason not to have the procedure, if you don't want children and are active with a fertile partner. A woman's choices are much worse. I won't go into all the problems which are well described on the Internet. The surgery is more difficult for a woman and other methods have potential serious health risks for older women or are less reliable and cause delay or loss of spontaneity and pleasure. In addition, all of the choices for women represent an ongoing expense which may be significant. By the way, there is no loss of desire or performance for the man. In fact there may well be an increase in pleasure for the man due to the loss of fear of unwanted pregnancy. As others have pointed out of course, a woman shouldn't rely on a man's having a vasectomy if she does not know him well and trust him and naturally it is no protection from std's

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

So You've Gone Exclusive...Sort of...Then What? Posted: 7/30/2010 5:28:24 PM
Exclusive? sort of? What next? Don't know whether to laugh or maybe tear my hair out. People sure want to make things complicated. Fortunately, not my problem.any more. I can only tell you what I came to understand over a lot of years. For what thats worth, might be helpful.. Dating is basically about how we pick our mates. How we select our sexual partners. It may be for the night, for a week or two or for the rest of our lives, but that's really what it is all about. It's trying out a relationship to see how it “fits”. Now a relationship is pretty simple actually: Relationship Rela"tionship, n. The state of being related by kindred, affinity, or other alliance. --Mason. [1913 Webster] I have a relationship with my mailman, mailwoman actually. She delivers my mail and I say hi when I see her. It's not an intimate sexual relationship though she is pretty cute, lol. What you were talking about was a dating situation, dating relationship if you will. Being exclusive means not dating anyone else. Some people are rather formal about the whole thing. With other it;s just assumed at some poing. I know for me, I never asked a girl/woman to “go steady” I'm just laughing a bit at the whole thing. When I was dating a woman and we found we liked each other enough and were comfortable enough to start sleeping together, that automatically meant we were exclusive. Not that It could and did happen fairly quickly at times nor did it didn't mean we were engaged to be married. It was just a part of the process of selecting a mate. This is very common now a days as far as I can tell. Way back when, before woman had many rights and birth control was haphazard, sex was at least supposedly reserved for marriage or at least that is what was taught. Now, it is pretty much a natural part of the getting to know and like you process. Yes, I know for some it's just for fun and games. But mostly people who say and do that are ones who have been hurt in the past and are not yet ready, or are too frightened to try again. Very few people will insist that sex is any where near as good with random strangers or even friends as it is with someone whom you love deeply. Why be exclusive dating if you are intimate? It's basically for that same reason people want their partner in marriage to be exclusive. Making love if that's what you are doing is usually a very intimate experience. It can leave you very naked and exposed, and I don;t mean just taking off your clothes. It's a special way of saying I love you and need to be close to you. The only way I can come as close as I need to be is to be inside you (for a man). Sure, there is a large element of play and fun involve at times, but regardless, allowing anyone else into that special “space” can seem like a terrible invasion. So, Just For … do you want to be exclusive with this guy? Were it me, I'd stop agonizing over it and let the process play out. If you already are or are considering becoming intimate and it makes you uncomfortable, then talk to the guy about your feelings and find out how he feels . It's a process, not a destination. It's actually supposed to be fun. . .

Greyspot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 230 (view)

single and forty.... Posted: 7/16/2010 2:02:09 PM
Over 40, shot by a terrorist? Come on now, don't be silly. I for one, met the love of my life we we were both close to 50. A lot of the problems people have is after being hurt in various ways they throw up such high barriers.

Greyspot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 329 (view)

Do guys like these exist past 35? Posted: 7/16/2010 1:50:55 PM
Sorry Princess, but I'm very much afraid that what you are looking for just doesn't exist. I'm not referring just to your checklist. I'll bet when you meet a guy who matches your stated requirements, there will be some other non acceptable deal breaker. After all you seem to have gone some 20 years or so rejecting guys, many of whom would probably have made perfectly wonderful mates. The real secret which is not secret at all is just picking someone you like and enjoy who likes you too and letting yourself love him. It's not finding the perfect guy,. It's more like being the perfect girl, (for him) I read a book recently whose author reminds me a great deal of you, at least from your posts. Marry Him by Lori Gottleib. The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough. Check your local library.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 436 (view)

...A Sexual Relationship WITHOUT Emotional Attachments... Posted: 7/15/2010 12:52:13 PM
Well. almost anything that doesn't kill you is possible I suppose, but a lonhg term sexual relationship, with someone you don't care about?? It's more like, why even bother.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 84 (view)

Is no sex dating so terrible? Posted: 7/7/2010 4:48:13 PM
I think it is and individual and cultural choice. For some who are very religious, it's about belief. All the major western religions discourage extra marital sex. For the vast majority though sex is a normal part of dating. I personally don't think ist about fairness or unfairness. For most, dating is basically about sex anyway. It's how we coose our mates. I know there are women who feel that men, at least the ones they meet are only interested in sex, not real relationships, but in fact most people go on the marry at some point in their lives, often more than once. The whole dating process is about finding someone attractive with similar beliefs and values. If you strongly believe that sex should only be reserved for marriage, you shouldn't be dating someone who feels differently. You are pretty much by definition not compatible. When I was dating, I don't think I ever even met a woman who held such beliefs. Wait, there was one but we only went out once. My first wife actually pretended she was "experienced" when we started dating when actually she was still a virgin. She thought it would make her more attractive to me since I was older. To me it wasn't about test driving the car before purchase. That's pretty silly. It's not even about sexual compatibility. I'm not even sure what that means. I mean come on, I'm male and she is female. We are "compatible". It's was really about connection, how I / we felt afterward. It starts out as strong physical attraction to someone whom you like and get to know and understand. With the right partner it soon becomes a special pleasure to share just with each other. A way to say I love you and need to be especially close to you. It's really not that complicated. So for me anyway, no I wouldn't date for a long time without it becoming sexual. I don't mean on the first date or on some programmed time like the third date. But most women I met, we knew almost right a way that with time when we felt comfortable and safe it would happen.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

Men,Tools and thier obsessions. How much is too much?! Posted: 7/6/2010 12:54:43 PM
Can you believe him? I don't see why not. I'm not especially orderly. When I lived alone I has stuff scattered about though not really hoarded. Just didn't care much. I I c\expected company, I clean up a bit or get a housekeeper in. When we moved in together, she really disliked messes, was very neat and orderly. I jusy let her be in charge of housekeeping. When she would go on a cleaning spree, I'd just pitch inand help. It was much more important to me that she be happy with the arrangements than for me to be free to leave stuff lying around. That's what people do when they want to live together, I thought. You adapt. Why don't you try getting him to clean the place up. Help him get someone in to do the heavy stuff, help him yourself and see how he accepts it and how it lasts. If he cares a lot for you and he is serious about it, you will soon see how it works.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Really need good advice and feedback. Posted: 7/5/2010 10:32:17 AM
My, you have gotten to the grand old age of 23 befor finding out that women can be complicated and confusing. Sorry, shouldn't really be teasing you. Listen to Igor, he gives good advice.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

I'm confused Posted: 7/5/2010 10:17:45 AM
Don't see what the confusion is all about. Seems like you met a guy you like, went out a couple of times abut he is not quite yet ready to propose marriage. What's the confusion?

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

When Do You Know You Are Going All The Way? Posted: 7/4/2010 6:58:58 PM
Oh my god, do people really still say that, grown up people? Sort of struck my funny bone, want to giggle. When do you know? It sort of depends on where you are in your life I think. When I was in my early 20's I didn't have a clue really. Really wanted to get laid but didn't know how to get there. It somehow never occured to me that girls actually liked sex as much as boys did, maybe more in fact. Twenty some years later after a marriage and divorce and a livin or two it was quite different. I'd recently ended a long term relationship. At that point I was basically looking for or at least very open to a relationship. I was established, had my own home a good job, not just looking for a casual playmate. When did I know she was going to go all the way? Pretty much as soon as she accepted a date with me. Come on guys, women aren't stupid. Well most of them aren't. They usually pick up the idea right away that a guy isn't just interested in getting into their pants. If we enjoyed each other's company and went out a few times, as soon as she felt comfortable she was quite ready to get naked. I dated three before I picked one to marry.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

moving in Posted: 7/4/2010 1:27:51 PM
Dear me, cmdrfunk is pretty cynical about the whole moving in business. Kinda sad, but you know what? I basically agree with his conclusions though not necessarily his reasoning. I also think moving in together without being married or at least the plan to marry soon is in most cases a very bad idea. At the risk of sounding like a Victorian Uncle, what are your intentions toward this woman, young man? lol If you really like this girl and seriously consider the possibility of marrying her down the road, the continue dating her and see how it works out. You will both know when it begins to feel like not having her in your life seems unthinkable. Just moving in to save a little money almost never works. Its like a variation of the old fwb. You get to be rmwb, room mates with benefits. Trouble is you get most of the disadvantages of marriage with few of the benefits. People often think of it as trial marriage, sort of marriage-lite, just a little bit married, lol Trouble is, it's more like being a little bit pregnant, not a stable situation. Consider, just a few possibilities. Suppose one of you becomes ill are has a serious accident. What does the other partner do. How does the rent get paid, who buys the food and prepares it. WHat if one of you meets someone else they find attractive, can you just date? Where would you meet. You are sure to run into little annoyances. You know top on tooth paste tube etc. Do you just move out? What about the stuff you collect together. Do you try and keep finances absolutely separate. Gahd, the bookkeeping! I'm certainly not against marriage, far from it. Having a loving and supportive partner is just enormously life enhancing. But just moving in, is rarely the way to get there. It's not that you don't have many of the same problem when married, but married, there are usually "expected" solutions, you usually have much more back up from family and friends and most of all there is a strong declared commitment to make it work despite the problems. I was tickled by what cmdrfunk said about sex, though I doubt his reasoning. I've lived with a woman in the past who sorta acted the way he described. She just decided one day she didn't see why she should have sex if she didn't feel like it. Never did really find out why she didn't feel like it. The relationship didn't last very long, needless to say. GIrl I married some years later was rather different. We were talking one night lying in bed and I said, you never turn me down for no real reason. She just said, well, I love you and you are my husband. Just the fact that you want and desire me is a pretty automatic turn-on for me. There are of course no guarantees. Marriages break up too, but the live-in situation is usually a bad choice.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Is my relationship over? Posted: 6/26/2010 1:55:41 PM
Don't know if your relationship is over or not, but you definitely have a great future ahead ans a screenwriter for low budget soap operas.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 104 (view)

Sexual Needs Men v Women Posted: 6/20/2010 12:43:11 PM
I don't think men and women are all THAT different. Sure you can have intense pleasure with someone you hardly know for a little while but that soon fades. The best sex is with someone you love who wants to give as well as receive pleasure and closeness and learns how you respond. I think that the most intense orgasms men can have follow the most intense arousal. It's not all that complicated guys. The biggest turn on for a man is a thoroughly totally aroused woman, one aroused by you! Getting her to that state is what good love making is all about. Sometimes it's easy and spontaneous, sometimes ... well sometimes it's better to wait. Flashback to old memory. We hadn't known each other long but were starting to feel very connected. She lived near the ocean and took me for a walk on her favorite little beach. We were just walking barefoot along the shoreline in the sand holding hands when she looked up at me and said quietly, "I'm so wet I'm dripping down my legs". I almost came right then and there. If there haldn't been other people on the beach nearby... I just said lets get back to your place and we jogged back holding hands and tumbled into her bed. I think good sex is much more about connection than technique. That part is easy to learn.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 45 (view)

Anyone decidedly abstaining from sex until they find their true one? Posted: 6/19/2010 1:17:16 PM
I’m sorry Archer, that your relationship did not work out. Still your complaint and long description sound an awful lot like that of so many young women on these forums. I slept with him on the first or second or third … date and now he doesn’t call me any more.. I thought he loved me … etc. It seems to be women more often than men. Look, practically everyone will agree that sex is better, much better in fact with “the one”. The problem with this for me at least is how and when do you know she is the one. Dating after all is really just the process by which we chose our mates, our partners, hopefully for life, sometimes just for the night or weekend Marriage, or a committed serious relationship, as you put it, is a sexual relationship. Certainly I want to know that I connect well in that special way with someone who is to be my exclusive partner for the rest of my life. I think the “rules” about abstaining till you married come from a time before reliable and easily available birth control and when women had a much more difficult time supporting themselves and their children on their own. It wasn’t so long ago and it made sense at the time. In addition, some people, especially as they get older and lose their partner for one reason or another choose to stay single, at least for a time. Why should they be denied to comfort and pleasure of occasional human physical intimacy? I don’t have an answer to your dilemma but doubt very much that your problems arose from having sex too soon. For myself when I was dating, I figured out after a while, and it did take a while, that sex was a good indicator of the quality and promise of a relationship. I’m not talking about casual flings or one night stands. But I found that any woman who would date me, I mean say 4 or 5 times and enjoy my company and I hers would go to bed with me. This simply meant that she liked me enough to think of me as a possible mate. Otherwise she wouldn’t continue to see me. It was not about how good in bed she was, whatever that means, but how I / we felt afterward. If a good understanding and emotional connection was developing, then sex just strengthened the bond. If the main attraction was just sexual, then once that was satisfied, the attraction was diminished. There is always a risk involved, and yes I know it’s “complicated”. but the rewards of success are definitely worth it.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

To those who have a long shopping list of requirements does it help your relationship? Posted: 6/10/2010 3:38:17 PM
Yes, back in the day I had a list and it was pretty helpful. I'll see of I can remember.. First, she had to be female. That was non negotiable! Age, fairly close to my own say give or take 5 – 6 years. Size , appearance, not grossly obese or anorexic and not much taller than me, but shorter was OK. Reasonable intelligent and educated, kinda hard to quantify. Oh, and we had to like each other's company. Thinking back, it really wasn't that hard to find suitable women. Guess it was a pretty good list....

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 47 (view)

Anyone else grow their own herbs? Posted: 6/6/2010 10:16:54 AM
It's warm here in AZ and easy to grow herbs. Just add water and stand back! Right now I have basil, oregano, parsley, mint, dill and chives. Rosemary grows wild around here. Neighbors use it for hedges so I can always go out an snip some if I want. I love using fresh herbs in all sorts of dishes. The easiest to grow are the chives ad oregano. They seem to live forever and try to take over the world, or at least the flower bed. Same with mint. The dill wlil bolt soon. It will bloom and then die. Don't know what to do about that. Annuals don't last too long in the heat here.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 107 (view)

Is making bread more frugal? Posted: 5/28/2010 10:37:35 AM
I'm afraid to say that making your own bread is definitely not frugal. The problem is that while it's cheaper to make it at home, it is so darn GOOD that you end up eating three times as much. Sometimes it's so bad that when I take it out of the oven and the smell is wafting through the house, I have to stand guard over it to keep people from sneaking in and tearing off pieces before it's even had a chance to cool. I have a few comments for those who have questions or are just beginning. Baking bread is really pretty simple but takes time, especially if you are making so called artisan breads. (I'm not sure what that means actually). Many are made using a pre-ferment, an addition that is allowed to rise slowly in the refrigerator over night or longer. This improves the flavor. Even a simple white bread for sandwiches will take 3 to 4 hours. You don't have to watch it all the time but the timing is important. I've found that certain things are very helpful. Buy a good bread book. Peter Rhinhart's books are very helpful. Lots of pictures and good recipes. It's often more about how you handle the dough than what you put into it. The basic tools you need are just bowls and measuring cups and spoons, but there are a couple you might not think of. Get a kitchen scale. You get much more consistent results if you weigh things. An instant read thermometer is the best way to tell if your bread is done. A thins flexible plastic bowl scraper is a wonderful helper. You can make bread by hand of course, but a mixer is very useful if you make a lot of bread. I use a Kitchenaid stand mixer but there are other good ones. You can even use a food processor if you are careful. A bread machine makes fairly good bread but is rather limited. How do you make cinnamon rolls in one. You can use tone for mixing and kneading the dough of course. Good luck and good eating.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

The perfect poached egg Posted: 5/25/2010 2:14:28 PM
Love poached eggs. Have them for breakfast often, usually on toast. It's quite easy to poach them. I use a fairly large 10 inch, frying pan with a couple of inches of water. Bring eggs to room temp or more. I run warm water over them and then crack them into cups or small saucers. Bring the water to a boil then turn off the heat. Add the eggs gently by lowering the lip of the cup below the water level and gently tipping them out. A table spoon of vinegar helps keep the whites together. Cover the pan and let them sit for about 3 or 4 minutes then remove with a slotted spoon The residual heat of the water is quite enough to poach the eggs and having the water still and not boiling helps keep the whites together. Covering the pan cooks the tops as well as spooning water over them and is easier. Eggs come out softer, creamier, if cooked at a lower temperature. They don't need a hard boil. Figuring out the cooking time takes a bit of trial and error. It depends on the temp of the eggs, the amount of water and how hard or soft you want your eggs. I like the can idea. Finally get some use out of that damn cat, lol.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 289 (view)

Women with multiple cats - sign of mental illness? Posted: 5/19/2010 9:43:30 PM
Gee, wasn't there a 007 film about that? I think it was called Octo****. No? Maybe I'm wrong.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 111 (view)

Tougher Rules for the Official Guy? Posted: 5/18/2010 8:05:15 PM
Igor, this thread has me a bit confused. I’m not really sure what was happening from your brief description and it puzzles me that you experienced a sudden change and don’t understand it. Your posts are usually so perceptive and acute. I think dumpling girl described it rather well from a woman’s point of view. As we get closer to someone in a dating situation, we naturally expect more. When someone pulls a sudden switch or unexpected demand it’s confusing and upsetting, especially if they can’t or won’t explain it. Without actual examples I can only guess, but a lot of things could explain the behavior. When you first start dating you are on your “best behavior” usually. If you like the person, you pay careful attention and try especially hard to get along if not to impress. AS you become closer and feel accepted it becomes safer to let down your guard and be “yourself”. This is a good thing actually. That’s what dating to find a partner is all about. Seeing how they behave in various circumstances and it you can accept and get along in bad times as well as good. It’s also true that people sometimes just have BAD DAYS, when they just act well irrationally. It may not even have anything to do with you. You were just there. If you ask for explanations you may get none at the time. Your partner may be upset or even embarrassed by their own behavior at the time. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced anything like that myself. The closest I can come is an experience from ling ago. I’d been dating this woman for nearly two years. We knew each other pretty well even though we had never actually lived together. We went on trips, stayed at each other’s homes, spent a lot of time together. Well, a few months after we married, we were going out to some event. We were getting dressed for the occasion when she came in, looked at me and my choice of attire and said something like< What kind of color blind cretin would wear a ___ shirt with a _____ tie, or something to that effect. Somewhat taken aback I picked something else and held it up for her approval. The second time something similar happened I stopped and said, Look I know I’m not much good a picking clothes and don’t really care much about them. I really just dress to please you. You don’t have to insult me and make fun of my choices. Just tell me what you like. To her credit she never did it again. She just told me what she wanted or liked or picked out things and hung them up on the closet door. The point was, you can spend a long time with someone and not realize certain things are significant to them. You can also not realize your style of response or comments are hurtful. The whole process of dating and finding a mate is really about discovering and dealing with differences. and expectations and how to deal with them. Of course al lot of issues are more difficult to deal with than my abysmal taste in clothing, lol

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 176 (view)

Do guys still believe in the 3rd date rule??? Posted: 5/9/2010 1:15:44 PM
Third date rule? That's really very silly promoted by guys who are having trouble getting laid, probably. The rule is, wait until you are ready and it's pretty much lady's choice. That being said, when I was dating I found that if a relationship was going well, it became sexual pretty quickly. If you are starting to connect with someone on other levels, you want to know if you connect sexually as well. I remember asking my wife about it long ago. It took us all of three dates to end up in bed and it was basically at her invitation. When I asked her about it she just said, I thought I was falling in love with you, starting to think of you as a possible mate and sex is too important in a marriage to be left to chance. I think she was right of course. She was pretty good to start and just got better and better as we got to know each other. Gosh, it's been nearly 25 years ....

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

If dating doesn't work yet you remain Posted: 5/1/2010 3:22:03 PM
Can a guy change his mind? Sure, why no?. I dated a woman for about a year and then dropped her and dated a couple of others. Not at the same time, but in succession. Then I came back and married the first one. That wasn't really all that strange. When I started, I was just out of a long term relationship and not ready for a new one. I know people advise against "rebound" relationships but sometimes they work out just fine in the end.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 108 (view)

FWB versus relationship. What's the difference? Posted: 4/21/2010 4:24:28 PM
"Is FWB just a way of saying we can hang out and have sex until someone better comes along that I want to have a relationship with?" You know, that could easily describe a lot of marriages, lol. I think people get way too hung up on trying to put labels on things!

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

Is it possible to fix a situation w/o trying to change the person? Posted: 4/20/2010 4:50:45 PM
Is it possible to fix? It’s possible, even common to get people to change behaviors in an intimate relationship. Learning how to please and accommodate your partner is what a loving long term relationship is all about. But changing behavior, leaving dirty clothes on the floor or putting the top back on the tooth paste tube is one thing. Getting someone to change their basic personality is something rather different. A good predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I know it’s something of a cliché but it’s true. You have been with this guy for 5 months now. Have thing been getting better or worse? If things are not improving, then you have your answer.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 50 (view)

loss of attraction? Posted: 4/19/2010 11:21:40 AM
Oh my, sounds like the honeymoon is over. Your relationship is actually very new. You didn’t say how long you had lived together but from your brief descriptions it sounds like you do. When couples first get together, they are usually on their “best behavior”. Everyday annoyances’, irritation, just being in a bad mood are suppressed in the newness, and excitement of the romance. Then as time goes by … well, reality begins to intrude. You are actually two different people, with different needs at different times and different ways of handling them. Having a successful long term relationship is about really learning accepting and dealing with your partner’s feelings and behaviors. That’s what it means to love someone. People have suggested various possible causes of her behavior and your distress, but no one can know for sure. It might be something you did or something you didn’t do. It could even be something external that has nothing to do with you. She may not ever really know herself or at least be mistaken. You need to work it out if you want the relationship to succeed. It means being patient, and talking together working toward a common purpose. She will let you know eventually. It’s a learning process. Good luck to you both.

GreySpot

Joined: 9/18/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

A 3rd date rule applies?!?! Posted: 4/14/2010 4:53:54 PM
It’s funny how this issue, this question comes up so often It’s unusually a you woman asking, should I or shouldn’t I, how soon? It’s usually a young woman asking, will he loose respect for me if it’s too soon? Will he lose interest if I wait too long? Of course everyone has to make up their own mind, but at least in retrospect it really wasn’t all that complicated. Dating is really all about sex. It’s about choosing a mate. Sure some people, usually young guys will say they are just looking for fun and to get laid, but interestingly enough most end up getting married at some point in their lives. What I observed was that any women who would date me, would go to bed with me. No I don’t mean on the first date, nor am I suggesting that I’m so irresistible it was always a given. It’s just that if a woman would go out with me 4 or 5 times and we enjoyed each other company, found each other attractive, it was just natural to find out if we connected in that most important way as well. How does a woman decide the time is right? (and it’s pretty much always lady’s choice). It just had to do with when she felt comfortable and safe and that there was more of a connection than instant lust. That doesn’t mean every one you date ends up being a long term partner. And sure, people sometimes end up just having brief sexual encounters. But that kind of thing was always rather disappointing the very few times I tried it. So Op, in answer to your question, there is no rule, 3 date or otherwise. The rule is spend enough time with him to feel comfortable and safe and then if you still want him, go for it. If he is worth having, he wont lose interest very fast, nor will he lose interest after you sleep with him.

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