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Thread: Treating a woman right - what does that mean?

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Treating a woman right - what does that mean? Posted: 10/15/2008 1:54:20 PM
I could have written my entire profile on this subject. To summarize my thoughts on treating women right or "correctly," I must first discuss that treating a woman correctly is no different than treating a man correctly, with the exceptions of some anatomical and geometrical differences. I hope that someday we can drop the gender-loaded descriptions of what treating somebody well consists. For some women, such as the ones you are alluding to in your question, the idea of being treated "correctly" means being treated as something they are not: queens; princesses; dominant forces in a relationship; in short, rulers. Women are human creatures just like we men are, and they deserve the same treatment. The sort of thinking that women appeal to when they demand to be treated like a queen is somewhat hilarious, since it stems from very sexist times in woman's rights. It is the sort of thinking that is a bi-product of centuries of sexist attitudes concerning the role women play in our society. Here's something to think about... other than a queen, or a lady, or a duchess, or an empress, or any woman of extremely high social status, were women in most "civilized" societies even granted the ability to vote for most of human history? Nope. Now, taken into the context of TODAY'S society, where women are still treated unfairly, are paid less to do the same work, and etc, do such views of treating women like rulers have a time and place? In a way, they do. In a way, they do not. For some men who have no clue how to treat women, they need to treat them like superiors. There are men who believe that women are to be subjugated, and that women should earn less than men for the same work, and that women are intellectually inferior, and that women are somehow demure creatures. Those types of men are ubiquitous. Women should not mate with men who believe that women are inherently inferior... that way they don't produce ignorant offspring... and then those offspring won't try to get into bar fights with me at redneck dives while I'm drinking my beer. For those of us men who completely adore the women in our lives, treating our women like queens doesn't apply. We treat women as what women really are. What women are, in my opinion, are equals. End of story. The people with whom I choose to surround myself are my intellectual and physical equals, and I treat them with the respect they have earned. Yes, respect is to be earned, not given lightly. Women are neither inferior or superior to men as human beings. How treating another human being correctly or right is no different than treating a woman correctly. My friends are my equals, and I treat them very well. In order for anyone to be intimate in my life, he or she has to be a friend first. If a woman waltzed into my life expecting to be treated better than my family and friends, she would meet with some harsh realities. Yes, sometimes women want to be treated too well - they desire to be immediately respected and treated significantly better than friends/family. Some of that stems from an inferiority complex and some of it stems from a deeply-rooted, societal-driven, defense mechanism. In some contexts, women are completely JUSTIFIED in wanting to be treated like queens... but what they mean is "I want to be treated like a Queen compared to the way you treat everybody ELSE in your life... since you treat them like !&" Once again, some men have no idea how to treat the people in their lives well, so women have developed a natural defense mechanism to deal with those types of situations. With that, I'm going to grab a beer and treat women as my intellectual equals while I discuss the concept of "existenz" (yes, with a "z,") with some friends down at the local bar. Your friendly, neighborhood physicist, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Good EATS in my area. Posted: 10/15/2008 1:08:21 PM
A great place in Lafayette for a drink and really nice bar food is The Black Sparrow. It's on Main Street in downtown Lafayette. Do yourself a huge favour and avoid the place across the street - it looks nicer, but they can't make a high-quality drink unless it involves pouring a beer. If you go, try out their classic Sidecar made with Kelt VSOP. Oh, and speaking of cheap, good eating... why didn't ANYbody from Indiana tell me what Yat's was?!?!?! My god that place is amazing. I haven't had good Creole since I last lived in New Orleans. Your friendly, neighborhood physicist, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

look at me please, for all that as holy please! Posted: 10/14/2008 9:26:46 PM
I think what you want, essentially, is somebody who is direct and has no drama. In your opening paragraph, you have basically alienated people by asking those drama-laden people to contact you in a sarcastic way, and then asked everybody else to continue reading. Seriously, that's just confusing. Not only is it confusing, but from a psychological point of view you are triggering many contrapositively reinforced, negative attitudes that most people hold latent. It is one thing to tell somebody "not" to do something and then expect them to do it by reinforcing the negative action, but it is another thing to write a paragraph in the third person about yourself full of negative concepts. Trust me, from a subconscious analysis point of view, that opening paragraph does not work. In mass media, the phrase we often us is "call something what it is." What do you want? Give it a name, define it, and then describe why that works well for you and what you have to offer in return. Just tell the ladies EXACTLY what you want - no bull, no diatribes, no cute anecdotes. (God, I think I need to change my profile now, too)! For instance, you have defined that you don't want to see like you're the "norm" for a guy... but you haven't really spent enough time emphasizing why you ARE the shizzle!!! Tell me why you are! I mean, you have said that parents like you - that's great. WHY do you parents like you? What is it, fundamentally, about yourself, that causes you to be so different in a positive light that women will want to flock to you? You say you are honest and turned-off by negativity... but what did you JUST do in the opening paragraph? That was 100% full of negative energy and misrepresented information. I know that you were being cute/intelligent/whatever, but that first paragraph did not represent what you are trying to convey about yourself. Trust me... I've been getting emails from groovy women about my profile. I know that the majority of the people on this site won't like what I have to say, but you want to know what? I don't care. I'm my own person, I know what I want, and I know how to state what I want to get what I want. Your friendly, neighborhood psychotherapist, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

I like it. Do you? Posted: 10/13/2008 12:01:24 PM
Hey, 1. So for starters, when you write your "interests" as "Movies Friends Sports," you should separate each interest with a "," Ex: "Movies, Friends, Sports" Why? Because, as you can see in my profile, "Movies" appears in blue, so that when I click it, I can find other people who have put down "movies" as an interest. I cannot tell you HOW many people have emailed or searched for me based on this. Hell, some of the NIN (Nine Inch Nails) fans on here love me because they found me by searching for Nine Inch Nails. 2. Second, do you believe in paragraphs? I do! Try using the "enter" key a little bit. The "thank you for checking out my web page part" can be two or three sentences... then just make a new paragraph. Then you can talk a bit about the sports and outdoor activities you are into... then NEW paragraph.... and then you can talk about your kids, and how they are an integral part of your life. 3. If I were you, I would talk about your previous relationship succinctly, and let the ladies know what type of father you are, what type of husband you were, and I think the part you already have on there about what time of girl you are looking for is wonderful. 4. Add MORE interests. (This goes with number 1). You obviously love tennis - put that under the interests section. Anyway, other than that you're doing fine. You have your *@&! together in life, are independent, and pretty attractive for a guy approaching 40. I'm sure the ladies will rain down upon you! Your friendly, neighborhood physicist, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

What are YOU reading lately? Posted: 10/5/2008 12:40:21 PM
Nice, I see a lot of people read on here - amazing! Speaking of infinity, "The Man Who Knew Infinity" is probably the best biography of the life and times of Ramanujan, who you obviously know since you are into mathematics and physics. My favourite Indian in Physics is still Chandeshreka Venkata Raman - the man who discovered the Raman effect. I wish somebody would write a killer biography about him. Yeah, Richard Dawkins is a strange duck, (as they would say in England). If you want to see him lose his marbles, look up any of his conversations with Lawrence Krauss, (my department chair from when I was at Case Western). As far as online comics are concerned... my favourite is still bunny-comic.com - and that is because FLEM comics is offline at Keenspace right now. Your friendly, neighborhood Physicist, --K, (yes I AM pissed that CERN is offline. Three of my friends have to wait to get their PhDs now).

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

What are YOU reading lately? Posted: 10/3/2008 3:16:25 PM
I have been on a huge Ulrich Sonnemann kick lately, as he is the first person to openly define the gap between phenomenology and phenomenography. He has a book called "Existence and Therapy" which you can find at any university library. Also, for those of you who are into the French and German schools of existentialism, there is a wonderful reference called "Dictionary of Existentialism" by Haim Gordon. Once again, very expensive to buy, but you can probably find it at any university library. Other than that, I have been into the philosophy of my rabbit, Miss Sadie. So I just bought this book - www.disapprovingrabbits.com - the woman who wrote it is Neil Gaiman's manager! Your friendly, neighborhood K, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Why do guys say they are interested then flake after one e-mail? Posted: 9/29/2008 6:19:30 PM
In the words of Archbishop George Carlin, "men are like any other segment of the population... a hand full of a winners and a WHOLE lot of losers." Let's face it, most people have the attention span of the common trout. Of course, the bigger issue is that many guys think they are playas, so they're just going to email as many women as possible, and then simply focus on the ones they are most interested in over time. Here's something - do you email guys you find interesting on here? Or do you simply wait for guys to email you? Seriously, tell me if when you email guys...and it goes well... if the conversation gets dropped prematurely or not. I think that when women show interest in a guy and there's some chemistry, it can work a lot different than when men search randomly. Here's another thought. From years of working bars, if I saw the type of behavior some men exhibit on here at a club, I would 86 them in a heartbeat. Guys, take it from me, if you find an interesting woman, focus, focus, focus! You don't need to be emailing 20 women at the same time. Yes, you can (and should) play the field, but if somebody is interesting and you feel she is worth your time, put some positive energy into that conversation and I'm sure she will realize you're special. --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

I think I just messed up. Posted: 9/22/2008 9:56:53 AM
I think you're being a "wussy man" for worrying about calling a friend of yours "beautiful." --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 568 (view)

Your Pet or YourRelationship? Posted: 9/22/2008 9:54:39 AM
Okay, So usually my replies are a barrage of psychometric-influenced rantings that I try to congeal into a coherent sentence. Today, however, I think I will give you some relatively short, hopefully cogent advice that one of my friends told her boyfriend when the boy decided he didn't like her cat,..., "That cat was there before you were here... and he will be there after you leave." ALWAYS respect the pet. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these boys? Once again, I'll TELL you what's wrong with them - they're BOYS, not MEN. Real men (whatever that means) don't go around hating on pets. We realize that your pet is an integral part of your life, and if we can't handle the pet, then that's just disrespectful to you and we shouldn't even be in your life. I am extremely fortunate in that I have the most awesome pet, Miss Sadie Lovington Nibblesworth, (you can find pictures of her in my profile). She is hypo-allergenic because rabbits don't have dander. She is five pounds, which means you can walk her outside and she is just too heavy for chicken hawks to swoop down and kidnap. BEST of all, she is a better indicator of character than any human being I have ever met. When I was living in California and my housemate would bring random girls home, we would let Miss Sadie inspect the shoes of the women while they were in the bathroom. I swear to God that EVERY time Miss Sadie didn't like a girl's shoes, she ended up being crazy and my housemate ended-up having to break off that relationship due to some insane reason. Plus, I mean, come ON... do you have any idea how cute a rabbit is? If I brought a girl home and she didn't like Miss Sadie... I would be completely justified in kicking her out of my house. Think about that for a minute! I could hang-up posters all over town with a picture of the girl who doesn't like my bunny and a sign that says "BUNNY HATER." The woman would probably get spit-on by other women... and children would run away from her. Hell, the fire department would probably have her kicked out of town for being a fire hazard. SO, my point was mostly to the gentlemen out there... .LOVE YOUR GIRL'S PET(s)... or else I will come after you, take your picture, and then place it on billboards ALL over town: "THIS MAN DIDN'T GET LAID BECAUSE HE HATES " And once, say, after three women see that billboard... and call their girlfriends... you'll never get laid in the tri-state region AGAIN. --K, (who finds that threatening people into loving your pet is perfectly acceptable)

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

why do guys tell girls I have company ? Posted: 9/15/2008 3:27:13 PM
There's the obvious social demands on a man to settle down and be focused on one lady at a time, and then there's the interaction between men and their sexual partners... and then there's the lack of communication between said men and partners. We can choose to attack this problem on multiple social or psychological levels, but let's just go with your example. Obviously, there has been information exchanged here. The information that has been exchanged is that there is company. I say "I have company over" all of the time, and I also say "I'm entertaining guests" all of the time, too. When I say those, it can mean a myriad of things, from "I have company over" to "I'm entertaining guests." That is exactly what those statements mean for me. The problem you must face is that you believe there's some sort of active effort to deceive you in a half-assed manner. If a guy really wanted to avoid telling you that he has another woman over, he would just say he's busy with work. Only a really stupid man would develop a pattern where he'd say "I have company" when he really means "I'm seducing somebody else right now, please leave me alone." If you're dealing with men who have to lie about their sex lives with their active, sexual partners, do womankind a favour and stop having sex with such men. Their lame attempts at psychological manipulation do not make mating with them any more desirable, as low intelligence really won't help the human race survive the next four years after the banking market collapses. So, let us go in the exact-opposite direction. If he were trying to deceive you actively and was SMART about it, you'd never even catch onto his act. Maybe all of those times he was working late at the office or missed lunch breaks he was out with some hot, 20-something-year-old woman having sex on his desk and taking videos of it and putting it on streaming, German pornography websites? Now, let's make a 180-degree turn and ask if you could actually handle this new man in your life being completely honest about a few things: 1. You're not the only person he is sleeping with at the moment. 2. If he doesn't want to be with you on any given night, he will let you know if asked, and ONLY if asked. It is not his responsibility to check-in with you every night he has other plans. 3. You have NO right, I repeat no right to know if he doesn't want to be with you on any given night because he is seeing/dancing_with/sleeping_with/***ing somebody else. 4. It is truly none of your &* @&@'d business who he is sleeping with other than you. You have no right to know if he/she is from work, or he/she lives down the street, or if he/she is an ex. If you can handle all of those four concepts, then let whoever you are having sex with right now know, and then see if that changes his/her way of communicating with you. The only thing you truly have a right to know in this modern age of multi-partner relationships is that the person who you are seeing/**ing/dating/whatever.etc will NEVER PUT YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH IN DANGER. End of story. You have the right to know what somebody's STD status is, plus the right to know if that person EVER engages in unprotected or dangerous sex with another human being. If you can handle what I've outlined above, then you can start ripping into your man for not communicating what he's doing. Just to let people out there know, I don't necessarily agree with everything I've stated here personally, but you cannot compel people to behave a certain way in sexual relationships. There are very few* things you can demand of another human being in this world... and the rest of what transpires between two souls is a function of what they are at their core. Your friendly, neighborhood psychologist, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Has this been asked already? Posted: 9/7/2008 10:51:23 PM
As is with everything else in life, it depends on the nature and the context of the relationship and situation. Think about it like this. What is wrong with two adults having sex who have had a long-term relationship but don't want to continue it officially since they have no plans of marriage or being together in a serious fashion? That can be healthy as long as there is no form of emotional blackmail going on and it is clearly stated that it is not serious and both people are either not looking for anybody else or have the right to cease sexual contact for any reason. Alas, most people cannot handle such relationships. Although, sex with an ex can be some of the best sex you'll ever have if the relationship ended amicably and you're not really into anybody else. Think about it. You had a great relationship, maybe the sex was awesome, you both know each others' sexual history, you're obviously not ready for anything with somebody else, and you're both obviously getting off enough to make any minor, emotional/psychological issues benign. Let me give you an example of how this can work. I've noticed that it's hard for women to find a good man to form a relationship with on any level (big surprise). Most men would be surprised how hard it is for a woman to find a guy who is stable for regular sex with no emotional strings attached. I should say that it's somewhat easy for a woman to find a guy with whom to have regular sex with but it's highly likely that such a guy has a latent psychosis, is abusive, doesn't really get her off like mad, or comes with any number of mental issues. Now imagine you have an ex who is great sex, but you've both decided that it's not going much of anymore. You'd love to have some great sex until you find somebody for a relationship that may lead to marriage or something completely stable. Your ex that you're having sex with is basically a really great ****buddy who knows your history and is a good friend. Once again, if you both can handle it. Most people can't. Most people use sex after a breakup as a way of either delaying some sort of mental breakdown, or preventing the transference of emotions to the next individual who shows the slightest bit of interest in them. In the sense that keeping a healthy relationship with your ex may help you avoid transference, then the post-relationship sex may outweigh the negatives, (even though one person obviously needs help). In the sense that the sex with your ex is delaying a complete emotional breakdown, the sex with your ex is only leading you further into a psychosis that must eventually be overcome. Your friendly neighborhood K, --K p.s. Yes, for those of you who message me privately, I have done work in the field of psychology. My specialty involves the psychology of high-stress situations, mostly in periods of transition. You'd be surprised how highly that relates to breakups!!!!

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Why do some younger men want to have sex with an older woman? Posted: 9/7/2008 12:19:40 PM
I wish people stopped using the word "cougar" as if they just invented the concept of age differences in relationships. So below this paragraph I will cover the positive aspect of dating older women, but I'll get into the negative aspects here. We should put just as much criticism on older women who date younger men as we would for older men who date young women. I would say from the emotional maturity point-of-view of older women, they have the same psychological issues as older men do when they date significantly below their age. It's one thing to have a fantasy about some hot guy/girl who is younger, but it's another thing to have an emotional immaturity issue that creates an inability to forge a relationship with anyone of your maturity and age level. THAT being said... I've dated women older than me and younger than me, and I've found that there's immaturity and maturity in all age distributions. When I was in college, I dated a woman who had finished law school, had a career direction, knew what she wanted, and had experienced life a little bit. I wasn't young (I was 20/21,) but it was the experience difference that made things so night-and-day from dating women my own age. Now that I am older, I still think that once people get a stable profession and a job, they become more focused on where they want to go with their lives. This, in turn, eliminates bull. Also, it helps when people grow a bit older and their hormones stabilize. In the words of a fellow promoter... "When you're under 30 and do dumb @&, you're under 30. When you're over 30 and you do dumb @&... it's just dumb *@&!" Your friendly, neighborhood K, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 39 (view)

Women with big dogs? Posted: 9/5/2008 12:29:07 PM
I love this question! I used to work at two animal shelters. I work primarily with lagomorphs (rabbits, hares, and pikas,) but I loved working with large, "beast" class dogs. Actually, here's a story. The other day, I was lost on my bicycle in the middle of the country, so I stopped at a farm to ask for directions. No sooner than I approached the house and dismounted than a large mastiff came running out at me... barking and slobbering... and looking like it was going to take my head off. I just put my right hand out and it greeted me and that was that. Turns-out the owner was a really nice woman my age and was surprised I loved her dog. Personally, I thought her dog was a cute, little puppy, but all dogs under 200lbs are puppies to me. Besides, who wants to date a woman with a dog that is more of a fashion accessory than a dog? That says something about a person's personality. Your friendly, neighborhood K, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Men who avoid attractive women?? Posted: 9/5/2008 12:16:32 PM
I assume you're asking this question because you are an attractive and intelligent woman of good taste who wonders why men shy away from you in public settings. Well, it first depends on the public setting you're occupying. Secondly, are you alone or with friends? Certain types of guys are more intimidated by women with friends and others are intimidated by women who are alone - it all depends on the guy, the circumstances, and much, much more. A lot of my female friends ask me the same question. I think that this is like any relationship - it works both ways. As for myself, (and you can read this in any of my posts,) I've always been in good shape, I'm tall/skinny, I have a darker complexion (and a lot of girls dig Mediterranean guys with jet black hair,) and I enjoy the company of strong, intelligent women. That being said, I don't hit on women when I'm out because I want no part of the game that goes on in most public venues. Women are chased wherever they go, especially beautiful women. Obviously, I'll say hello to somebody next to me at a bar or on a dance floor, and I respond to people who introduce themselves, but I don't go around hitting on women because in our society, it happens too much and I will let the lady decide her level of interest. Besides, women who know what they want in life are attractive. I'd rather sit back and see if a woman who is interested in me explicitly asks me out for coffee because that tells me she can take the initiative on issues that are important to her. I have to be aggressive and a leader all day at my job, and it's nice to have somebody who is an equal. Your friendly, neighborhood K, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 44 (view)

Is it a good idea to hit on a guy at the gym? Posted: 9/5/2008 11:53:31 AM
There is no set rule on whether a man has to ask a lady out or vice-a-versa. There's nothing wrong with politely asking somebody out for a drink or a coffee. What's wrong with that? I work out every day of the week. I meet a lot of people while working out and have made many friends, but these types of things take time. Obviously you've gotten to know him and he is comfortable with you, but you have to understand that some of us men like to leave an attractive woman alone while she's doing her thing in the gym. Yes, there's nothing wrong with "being the man" and asking a woman out. At the same time, there are those of us men who understand that you're getting hit on wherever you go, and we'd like to just remain casual acquaintances unless you take the initiative. The difference is that anybody who is my friend or acquaintance knows this about me since I make it very clear that I do not cross that line unless somebody is explicitly interested in me. I work in the entertainment industry, and most recently as a bar manager, and that's why I like to give women a lot of space. I work in environments where women are almost constantly being chased, and I'd rather just meet people when I go out, have a few drinks, enjoy a good conversation, and go about my way. Besides, forming good friendships with people is the best way to ensure that if you do start an intimate relationship with them, that it'll have a good chance of surviving. Your friendly, neighborhood K, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Makeover? Would you do it for a girl? Posted: 9/5/2008 11:44:33 AM
Oh dear, I can tell you that is both insanely insulting and 100% hilarious. Let's face it, many guys just aren't bringing their A-game when it comes to how they present themselves. There's nothing wrong with telling a guy, "Hey, I think you're attractive and have great things to say, but I want to see what you'd look like in a suit instead of those thread-bear pants and an oily T-shirt." Then again, sometimes it's not the fact that the person looks bad or can't dress him/herself that is the issue. It is the fact that the person you may be attracted to doesn't CARE enough to comb his/her hair... or wear decent clothes... or present him/herself in a clean/attractive manner. If a person doesn't really want to look good, then it's an insult. If the person doesn't CARE about looking good, it's still an insult, but the person may be wiling to be pampered a bit. Who doesn't like having somebody else buy him/her some nice clothes? If an attractive, intelligent woman I was into told me I've been spending too much time in the lab and offered to take a shower with me and buy me a new pair of jeans, I'd probably find that sexy. Actually, that's happened to me. Hell, most of my clothes came from my ex, who realized I loved nice shirts but had almost no time in graduate school to shop for myself. Since she was a shop-a-holic and worked in a mall, she would buy something if it looked nice and would fit me. Your friendly, neighborhood K, --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Nonstop calling and texting Posted: 9/5/2008 11:36:05 AM
Well you have to define "incessant." I know some people who consider anybody who is remotely into somebody after a first date to be "needy." Secondly, did you even tell this lady that you are concerned there is a little too much contact going on here? Sometimes people get a little self-conscious if you're not communicating back. It's a common mistake to make when we are into somebody we have just met. Thirdly, yes, there ARE crazy people out there. I would hope by this time in your life you have your crazy filter on when out on a date... but every once in a while the wrong one gets through. The best thing you can do is communicate where you stand. Well, that's not the best thing you can do. If this continues or gets to the point of stalking, I would always suggest a "cease harassment" form and then a restraining order. I've had to file two of these in the past against crazy people in my early 20s. Luckily, I became a LOT better at handling those situations since becoming a bit older. Your friendly neighborhood K, --G

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 149 (view)

Would you open you marriage to save it? Posted: 8/27/2008 9:41:09 PM
I just wanted to point-out that participating in domination in the purest sense of the art is not cheating. If one were to follow the strict codes of conduct that most people in that community follow, sex is NEVER involved in the art of domination. There are people who are glorified prostitutes who parade as doms. These people are way out of line with the accepted community standards and they cheapen what is for some an extremely serious practice. I can give you a lot more stories and examples of why I'm disgusted with certain members of that community offline, as I don't think it's within the scope of this thread. --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

I have a boyfriend, but i am attracted to someone i work with!? Posted: 8/27/2008 9:37:25 PM
A 21-year old SCORPION from my former home of Canadia (yes I know I'm spelling it like that) has only had one serious boyfriend? Please! That aside, you're young. Take it from an older man that I had a stable, loving relationship when I was your age, but I was NOT ready for being with one person at all. When I wanted to see what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody else, I made sure to let the person I was with know I wanted to take a break to pursue other people, and that was that. Just remember that WHATEVER you do, never put your sexual health or the sexual health of your partner(s) in danger. Then again, as your own words say... you don't want to act on your feelings. They're just feelings, and having fond feelings and being close to your guy friends doesn't equate to sex. It's perfectly okay to be able to discuss intimate things with friends, and I know that I wouldn't have gotten through many situations without close friends to listen to my rants! So, that being said, I think you and your boyfriend are fine if you don't want to act on your inclinations, but you may just want to take a break and try dating a few, other people. Remember the words of one of my friends.... "Doing stupid things before age 30 is being young... doing stupid things after age 30 is just being stupid." Good luck! --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 263 (view)

Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant... Posted: 8/27/2008 9:30:08 PM
Okay, so I'll start with something lighthearted before I delve into more serious words/advice. In the words of the highly respected director from the Children's Hospital of UCLA, Dr. Snoop Doggy Dogg, "KIDS... the number one contraceptive available on the market." Having a child doesn't make you a man. Being a man makes you a man. I'm tired of people on this blog talking about how raising a child is the only way you show you are a true man. There are MANY ways to be a "true" man, (whatever that means). Spreading genetic material with somebody you did not have a stable, loving relationship with doesn't seem to be a very "true" man thing to do. I would hope a "true" man would think before taking the risks your friend did. Your friend hasn't acted like a man in the past, he didn't with this girl, he hasn't by not speaking with YOU like a man one-on-one, and when he did speak with you he wasn't man enough to realize that you've been his friend and was simply expressing your opinions. Bringing a child into this world isn't enough to turn your friend into a true man. Having a non-existent relationship with somebody who is having a child won't turn you into a man. Your friend is hopefully just being responsible and taking care of the child so that he/she has a father in his/her life. That doesn't make your friend a real man, it just makes your friend responsible for one action. Time will tell if your friend is a true/real man... and that's not going to happen in 9 months or a year or even two years. He has to show a pattern of mature, responsible actions that are neither self-destructive nor damage the relationships he has with those around him. As far as YOU are concerned, just leave those two alone. It sucks that your friend got into this situation instead of, say, becoming a trial lawyer and working on his career, but he wants to do what he wants to do and let's just hope he does it right. For those of you who say it's "none of your business," I hate to say but that's not necessarily true all of the time. My best friend has gotten into trouble throughout the years, and I've done some unethical/illegal things to help her through them - that is what friends and family do. Sometimes a person isn't worth helping. Sometimes a person doesn't want to be helped. Those things being said, sometimes a friend MUST cross that line, especially if a friend is being emotionally blackmailed or involved in an abusive relationship where a child is involved. I hope/pray for your friend that he can have a functional relationship with his child. I really hope that the mother is okay with him wanting to be a father and having a healthy relationship in the child's life even if he does NOT want to have a relationship with the mother. This is not about taking care of her, it's about your friend making sure that a child he has brought into the world is loved by two people. Those two people don't have to be married or in love, and in this case, it appears that any sort of love between those two people would be contrived and unstable. Just my two cents. --K

Joined: 7/23/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Another Broken Heart Story. I am not sure how to deal with this???? Posted: 7/29/2008 9:02:33 AM
How old are you? 37? Is your ex this age? This is the type of drama people are supposed to hoist on you when they are 18, so either you didn't pick up on some very important clues early-on in the relationship and then got lazy, or this woman had a deep-seated psychosis that you messed. The latter is excusable since you're not a psychologist, the former is something we should all work on in our lives. First things first, and NOBODY on here has mentioned this... GET BLOOD TESTED NOW. Seriously. I've worked for two health clinics and an HIV prevention group, and the chances of infection go up dramatically in these sort of circumstances. Given the psychology of your ex, I'd say that you should get a blood titration done for herpes. The good thing about this is that a blood test can also be done for syphilis, so they can do both at the same time and save you money. Okay, so you have attempted to remain friends and how long has it been since you stopped seeing her? Of course you're to have a hard time getting her out of your mind! That is normal. There's a million people on here who will recommend all sorts of methods for "getting over" relationships and "moving on," but both concepts are moot to me. Spending time with your dad is a good way to focus your mind on other things for now. Listening to a really great CD is another way. Working out is a third. You really need to get more exercise and burn off some endorphins. The most important thing to me is that you confront YOUR weaknesses and figure-out what you can do differently at every stage of a relationship so that you have a functional relationship instead of a precipitous ending. How did you meet this woman? What is your history/background? How was the sex? What did you-two share in common? What's her education level? Etc. Also, how healthy is your sex life now? How was it before you met this woman? Those are all questions you must probe to strengthen yourself. Anyway, that's my rant, but above all else.. take care of your sexual health this week and go see your doctor. Your friendly, neighborhood psychiatrist, --Kolpadet

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