Why did I do this? chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Why did I do this?

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

Why did I do this? Posted: 9/21/2009 7:42:02 PM
I'm not psychologist so I go on logic. Sounds sort of like relapse though. You had chosen to be celibate for personal reasons and I think one of the major factors was your own personal growth and knowing your own weaknesses. That's not a bad thing. I think there were two key factors that worked against you though, the first being alcohol. Even when you set your boundaries and practice them, getting buzzed weakens the walls.. and opens the door for other things that have been kept in check to sneak out. Hunger sounds like it may have been the other key factor. It sounds like you had been pretty much starving yourself sexually and emotionally. Knowing is half the battle and just because you slipped up one time it's not the end of the world. Yes.. you're going to have to start over but there's nothing wrong with that either. If I were in your shoes I would probably see what I could do about finding out what it is that draws me to these things.. what is it that's missing that I was trying to fill.. either by seeing a counselor or doing a LOT of reading. If you can even get parts of it then you're going to gain strength. Personally I have to hand it to you for doing as well as you did, for as long as you did, totally on your own! That time wasn't wasted at all because you learned. You only fell, now it's time to get up, dust off and go on! Remember you're worth it.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

A Question About 2 Situations - 1 Conclusion Posted: 9/17/2009 8:14:24 PM
NOW,if MOST woman (and men) would assume already that the random guy was trying to pick up on her,Why would she then argue with her Boyfriend by telling him that the random guy was just "Being Nice" First off I think it's pretty arrogant for anyone to assume someone is trying to pick them up simply because they were spoken to. Secondly the boyfriend/girlfriend of the person that was having the conversation definitely has security and probably trust issues. Lets say your girlfriend was talking to an elderly man.. would you assume the guy was trying to pick her up or is that only an assumption you would make if the guy was younger and nice looking? The same goes for women.. if your girlfriend were to see you talking to an elderly woman would she think the woman was hitting on you or is that only if you were talking with a pretty woman in your own age group? If the person is suffering from arrogance then they are so full of themselves there's no room in their life for anyone else anyway. If the partner of someone has security/trust issues then the couple needs to sit down, have a talk, and see if they can figure out why they are feeling this way. Not such a complicated thing.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Is it possible to lose all feelings?? Posted: 4/6/2009 7:18:47 AM
[My question is: Is it possible to lose all romantic feelings toward a person after you have broken up, eventhough you continue to have a very good friendship with this person and the family. Especially when the reason for breaking up was because one of the partners felt that they weren't ready for a relationship.] Depends on what you mean by romantic feelings. I'm one that believes there is a certain amount of love in like. I have friends that I love dearly and would go to great lenghts for, yet I don't want to crawl into the sack with them. If you are classifying sexual desire as romantic feeling, then I would say yes.. it is possible to lose all romantic feeling.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

Did I do the right thing Posted: 12/8/2008 9:00:03 PM
I told her I don't like the way he speaks to her and all hell broke out... Sometimes it isn't what we say but the way we say it. Often it depends on how well our friends know us and we know them as to how well they are able to separate the grain from the chaff. I would have probably said something along the lines of telling her that I was glad my bf didn't speak to me that way, or say that I didn't deal well with controlling men.. something/anything that would have brought it back to me rather than place it on her lap. By saying that you didn't like the way he spoke to her she got defensive, and rather than accept responsibility for the reasons she allows it... it was easier to put it off on you not liking him maybe? Just a few thoughts...

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 1013 (view)

Women who smoke are far more promiscuous. Posted: 12/7/2008 7:37:29 PM
Just for your info... I personally know of 3 people, men.. on this site that have "no" listed where smoking goes that smoke like freight trains, I've met them up close and personal! They are very delighted to find that I smoke, even though it's listed that I do. So I wonder, how accurate are your stats????? Actually I don't think they would be very accurate on any count. The ones looking for long term are actually turning out to be wanting to just date.. some that have listed themselves as divorced and separated are actually married and living with their spouses and looking for an affair.. and these too are the same ones that list themselves as non smokers!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

the ex boyfriend Posted: 12/7/2008 7:27:18 PM
it was a long distance relationship before, and he flew in back then, and now he's saying he's going to come back You don't say much about the way it was long distance but.. if he works in your area from time to time, has relatives he comes and stays with for whatever reason... he may just want someone to play with while he is there. Take into consideration whether or not you ever went to visit with him on his turf.. examine closely what the situation was. If you want more than sex then just turn the cam off, if he doesn't want to talk with you other than that then.. you have your answer as far as that goes.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Alarming statistics attributed to aging men fathering children Posted: 12/5/2008 6:38:50 PM
two phrases, schizophrenia/father's age Heridity has a great deal to do with it. My late ex and I had 4 children when we were both in our 30's, and only 1 of the 4 has had any problems. However, the late ex was paranoid schizophrenic as was his father, grandfather that committed suicide, cousin that committed suicide.. and many other members of his family. The next man I married and I had a child when he was 55.. she's almost 16 now and so far there have been no problems.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

I would like your opines... Posted: 12/4/2008 8:54:20 AM
She called me back a 530p,to tell me the date was off and she wanted to 'change the date' to the weekend.I told her I would most likely be working,and couldn't give her an answer Things come up and life happens.. plain and simple. Maybe, just maybe it's something that she thinks is too personal to tell you at the present time or something that she didn't want to get into over the phone? Maybe a breakfast or lunch date on the weekend would have been good if you had to work? It would be good to extend the same courtesy to her as you would like from her when it comes to her understanding that you have to work.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

When A relationship is over do you keep in touch with ex family Posted: 12/4/2008 8:45:53 AM
I kept in contact with my late ex's family, but I was also the mother of their grandchildren. If I hadn't had any children though I would still have kept contact with them. I was friends with his mother for 5 years before I ever met him.. and when he introduced me to his parents he was really surprised to find I already knew his mom and that we were friends! It would have been a very nice courtesy for them to have let her know since she had a relationship with his father separate and apart from him.. don't guess he was adult enough to handle it??

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

What makes kids think they're welcome into their 20's and 30's? Posted: 12/3/2008 6:29:51 AM
I have 5 children and the youngest is a month away from 16 and lives with her dad. It was a standard "joke" that I told all of my children that they would find their suitcase and birthday cake sitting on the porch for them to pick up on their way out on their 18th birthday. There was actually only one that I literally gave moving orders to on his 18th birthday and I gave him 2 weeks to get out. It was actually the best thing I could have done for him. All of my children worked and paid 25% of their salary for the priviledge of living in my house if they stayed past 18. It's the cheapest they will ever be able to live. The four oldest children all married and moved out between 18 and 19, and they are doing ok. They now have children of their own and struggle sometimes but they are also learning the important lesson of how to survive and get through things. When they were growing up all of them had responsibilities at home, suitable for their ages at the time, and they changed with age for each of them. All of them know how to cook, clean, sew, iron, do laundry... they can each take care of themselves. Unless they were ill and needed care I wouldn't have one of my kids back home.. BTW, I also told each of them not to have children unless they were prepared to take care of them. I'm not a built in babysitter, nor am I done raising all of my own children yet. If I can do the job of taking care of them then they can do the job of caring for their own. Part of the "grandparents" pleasure is in being able to enjoy your grandchild, spoil them, then give them back for mom and dad to deal with!! LOL..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Do you think your best is ... Posted: 12/2/2008 12:50:22 PM
Do you think your best is ... already over? or still to come? To be continued and determined. I don't know if it's yet to come because I haven't got there yet, nor do I know if it's already over because I'm not at the end of the road!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Seeing someone in public, how would you react? Posted: 11/30/2008 6:32:15 PM
I'm curious about how men and women feel, should someone see you in public and say Hello you ? If it was someone I had talked to on here or met with I would say hello... If I had no contact with them on here other than to view their profile then I would respect their privacy and say nothing at all or at least nothing that had to do with POF. I do speak to strangers when in public, always have.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

The whole BI thing Posted: 11/25/2008 9:16:51 PM
So what do women think of a guy being bi? Probably the same as they think of a female being bi. Much would probably depend on their own orientation. If they are against fem bi then they would probably be against male bi, if open to one then they would probably be open to the other. The same would hold true for a fem that is bi.. she would be more open than a straight fem. On the other hand I think that straight males would be ok with bi fems but not with bi males.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 55 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/25/2008 7:31:33 PM
Considering santa and jerry, I think I may need to post a reminder as to just what this original subject was about. It was, and still is, about divorce vs separation for those in their 50's.. or over. Why someone may choose one over the other at the later stages in life, the things we face at this age that we would not be facing as little as 10 years ago. I posted my particular situation and am very thankful for the suggestions and information. It could just as well have been a man that posted this original thread though because a man 58 years old looking at divorce and at the ex taking half of his retirement may well consider just separating rather than divorcing. Many here have gone through divorce in the mid to late 50's, but there are also many in this age group that were divorced in their 30's and 40's and haven't remarried. It's quite different for them than those just now going through this at this age.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/25/2008 4:31:31 PM
quote] from what I have read you are a worthless pig, just waiting for your husband to die. good luck with that. Hey there Sugar.. I'm so glad you gave your opinion, especially after reading your profile. I am always interested in the intelligent opinions of my peers with whom I have so much in common, thank goodness you aren't one of them. You are in the same age group and are separated.. and that's where the similarities end. No picture.. no interests.. what could you possibly have in common with anyone else? Ahhhhhh.. I forgot, common is your specialty and you seem to have great knowledge about that.. Is it first hand? An overweight old man looking for slim to average younger women.. imagine. You must believe in the saying, “age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill”. The young women of today may well fool you!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/25/2008 12:07:52 PM
This information is found in the Social Security Q&A section. Yep, and I downloaded some of the info Jim posted.. It's good to hear from someone who has been there. Thanks Tax Lady

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/25/2008 12:04:29 PM
some of us do what is right and it all goes to hell in a handbasket We can only do what we think is right for a particular time and circumstance. For the same thing in the future or past the action may not be right. Sometimes doing the "right thing" isn't always right or legal! Thanks

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/25/2008 11:58:08 AM
I am close to 50 and i have had to stand on my own two feet...i also have a son who is 18 now and he is helping out but i have been a single mom for over 11 yrs and most of his first 7 yrs of life,so dont think you cant make it alone cause you can..you dont need a man or his money to survive. During the time he was working he didn't want me to work. When I would get a job he would make things so difficult that I would end up having to quit. He didn't want to be bothered with any of the responsibility of the children, housework, or anything else. When I worked he sometimes was and couldn't always go where he wanted and do what he wanted during his off time. My being home allowed him to do that. The entire time we lived in Yuma he never paid a house payment... not one. I've always paid for half of everything and sometimes more when we were together and everything when we were separated. He never even paid child support, I never asked for it. I told him once that he wasn't in my life because I needed him to support me, but because I wanted him there. What you have to realize here is that there are a lot of years I haven't worked per his request/demand, so when looking at retirement it makes things different. Santa doesn't realize that point either.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/25/2008 11:48:56 AM
Ok, I'll piss, moan, and really snivel just for you santa. It's not my natural nature but since you are santa I'll make an exception! Because I damn sure don't owe you squat. - You have now been married 4 times but consider the first 2 marriages to forced Yes, very much so. If my father were living today he would be 103, I was the sole product of older parents. My father was German... the first man chosen that I was married to also had 3 other wives and no divorce. The courts handled him through bigamy charges by his wife in NY along with the annullments of all succeeding marriages. Back child support was also called for. Both of my parents died in less than a year after the second marriage. Both of the "chosen" hubbys were German. I didn't argue with my parents because I would get the hell beat out of me. It's still quite legal in Virginia for a man to beat his wife with a stick no larger than his thumb. Sometimes life sucks.. you are only 54, have your health but cannot work? I did not say I have my health, I just don't ** about it. I have had rhumatoid arthritis since I was a child. I also had my back broken, along with quite a few other bones, in a car accident when I was 17 and was paralyzed for a year+.. My spine is covered with bone spurs, missing about 5 discs altogether and partial ones in other places. I never said I couldn't work, but I can not sit for long periods, stand for long periods, lift heavier weights... I had a heart attack when I was 45.. have problems with my heart. I just don't ! It doesn't make things better. Your current husband is dying yet you seem to be only concerned about your future Very much so, and probably more reason than if he wasn't. If he wasn't then I could be the greedy ** you seem to think I am and take him for everything! - You choose to marry a person 16 years your senior but never thought about the consequenses of that? - You found out your current husband was cheating years ago but stayed in the marriage? Why? Because I loved him, plain and simple and I know that at one time he did me too. I don't know what happened or why but it happened overnight and damn near killed me. It was because I loved him that I kept agreeing to reconcile. I wasn't able to finally let go until a year ago. Finally I no longer love him, I don't hate him.. I finally feel nothing for him. He was cheating with the ex who is 10 years older than him.. You say you are compassionate but I can't see it anywhere Reconciling 2 times, moving to Tennessee just because he wanted to when I wanted to stay in Yuma.. Taking care of him through his amputation and other surgeries he had even during the times we were separated because he didn't have anyone else to. Like I said, I don't owe you squat so I'm quitting with those. The list is a mile long. Most women do not want to date men that are married but you just the opposite Neither did I want to. When I found out he was married that was the end of it. Have you ever in your life taken an an inventory or loked at yourself Indeed I have, likely more than you ever have since you tend to look without more than within. Have you ever wondered why you read this thread and never found any fault on his part? Oh the bitterness that fills your soul. Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, the situation you are in is your own fault? Have you never heard it takes two? Of course some of it is my fault, some his.. but haven't you learned that laying blame doesn't make things any better than whining and sniveling does? Did you ever figure out what drove your current husband back to his EX? Drove? So you ASSUME many things in life.. there had to be something that drove him, nothing like what he had in his pants that he is supposed to take responsibility for himself? If I were to be as judgmental as you I would say that you were very bitter and condesending toward women, chauvinistic, and extremely small minded. Try reading anything by Wayne Dwyer, Carl Jung, Maryanne Williamson... try doing something for you.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 66 (view)

Prostate massage?? Posted: 11/23/2008 8:26:35 PM
Well I don't know about women, but I do know my doctor the other day seemed to enjoy it .. that evil cackle was a dead give away. And the b*stared didn't even buy me dinner first! That's pretty bad considering you had to pick up the tab anyway... and I bet you didn't even get kissed!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 65 (view)

Prostate massage?? Posted: 11/23/2008 8:23:48 PM
Do most men like to have their prostate messed with whilst having sex Don't know about most but I would say about half do. Much of it has to do with the age of the man and how open he is.. sort of a generational thing. do women feel comfortable doing this? Again I can't speak for most but it's something I'm very comfortable with and the feel of it to me is a big turn on. Depends on the individual as with the man. Most of the time I would say the woman's comfort is directly related to the man's response as she gets close to that little orifice. PS. Do you think I maybe gay?? This is only a question you can answer but you may want to buy your girlfriend some toys and try role reversal if she is comfortable. Most men talk about "women screwing them" anyway!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/23/2008 4:41:15 AM
Well, NlOSE, I learned from your disclosure Thanks Cindy.. I learned so much from you, Jim, and others that posted on here. When I married twice in my teens it wasn't for love, it was "parental control", and they both were dead in less than a year after the second marriage.. I was just 19 then so there was no property or children to contend with. I don't even really count those two marriages because they were not my choice. For those on here that don't remember there was a time when we had to be 21 to be of age and much was different then. The children/property issues were there with the late ex, but I was in my 30's then, still with a lot of road ahead and I never considered many of the same issues that I have now when it came to divorce. Before the effects of remarriage may have never crossed my mind either, it does now. I need to thank those on the other forums that chastised me for being married also because it made me wonder if I was the only one that considered these things when divorcing at this age. If they did have these same concerns then how did they handle it.. what did they do? I needed to know these things. I sort of miss the days when marriage had nothing to do with anything but love.. Brightest blessings and warm thanks to all of you..... including santa

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/22/2008 6:56:46 PM
That's sweet Chocolate..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/22/2008 6:55:15 PM
The "ya don't read" wasn't for you nuttinfancy, but for santa. The lawyers I talked with here said that I couldn't file any of my own paperwork as I did in Virginia. Since then another poster on this forum gave me the name of a lawyer to contact right here in Tennessee that will do a divorce at a very reasonable cost if he and I work out the property settlement and child things. The estate planning lawyer is something that never crossed my mind and if not handled properly could create big problems for me later.. I owe several posters thanks for that one! Your idea of a tape recorder is a good one too. I may not think of all the questions at one time to write down but it may be a question that has already been answered during the consultation. BTW, I did call legal aid.. in fact that's the first place I called for an appointment. I was told that they aren't taking any divorce consultations now??? It appears they are picking and choosing what they do. I was really surprised!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/22/2008 2:54:05 PM
You don't read, do ya?

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/22/2008 2:53:08 PM
DIVORCED means they are ready to move on with their lives and hopefully want to make the next time, the LAST time. but...what do i know. Which is better, a papered marriage with no commitment or a committed relationship without the paperwork? Separated does not mean that you cannot be in a committed relationship. I'm not sure that I'll ever do the marriage thing again at this point in my life even if I were divorced. I've "been there, done that" 4 times in my life.. twice before I turned 20. Honestly, at this point I don't know that I want to live with someone on a permanent basis, much less be married to them and yes, you can be committed without living with them too.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 164 (view)

Do I ever miss physical touch! Posted: 11/21/2008 4:21:11 PM
skin to skin contact - velvet warm skin touching my skin They would probably arrest you for it now but... when my children were babies I would give them a bath with me, "swim" them around in the water, play with them, and the most wonderful feeling in the world was having their little bare bodies next to mine. Sometimes their little hands would stroke my face.. holding their little hand in mine, the nuzzles.. those things are what my grandchildren gift me with these days.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 2:36:33 PM
Ahhhhhhhhh!!! They don't have a lightbulb! pout This will have to do a flashing neon sign..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 8:33:27 AM
And most of these lawyers will do a free initial consult so you aren't out anything by asking a few questions either. Been here done this Jim... with 3 different lawyers. All every one of them wanted to do was ask their questions about income, property, and children.. then tell me how much it would cost. All of them were also firm on their price of between $2500 and $3000 uncontested and done peacefully. Once our daughter reaches 18 that price drops to $1700 to $1800. Virginia is much lower in cost... the last divorce I got was there and it was $250. Anyway, when I would ask them questions like what you are talking about they wouldn't give clear answers. One that I asked was what was my rights as far as this property, having people over, and about personal property such as furniture and things... along with entering the shop or using part of it as mine for storage and such.. things like that. It would seem that as long as it's a free consultation they are going to use that time to discuss their issues, not mine. When I return from my daughter's after Thanksgiving I am going to try to talk to someone in either Knoxville or Chattanooga. Maybe the lawyers in larger cities will give me some of the answers I need. Sometimes I hate small towns..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 8:11:06 AM
Ummm darlin OP? Ankkka (sp) is a woman hun.! lol Oops!! LOL... I did look at the profile and even read it, I was even having my first cup of coffee! My bad.. thanks..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 150 (view)

Do I ever miss physical touch! Posted: 11/21/2008 6:02:50 AM
If it weren't for my grandchildren I would probably miss the physical touch much more than I do. Some of the things I find in it are comfort and reassurance and it doesn't seem to matter if it comes from someone we know or if it's from a stranger. When my second child's appendicts ruptured she developed peritonitis and because of her being allergic to so many antibiotics they had a hard time finding something to fight it with. She almost died and during that time a nurse gave me a hug... it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 5:37:10 AM
Parrothead, thanks for the reply. I read your profile and tried to email you but couldn't so I'll say it here. You have one of the most real and honest profiles I have ever read, that says a lot. Secondly you're a teacher and have my greatest admiration! When my children were young I was heavily involved with the school system. Attended the board of supervisor and school board meetings, was a substitute teacher.. during that time I learned a great deal. I'm not teacher material and can never be so thank you for doing for my children and others that which I could not do myself!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 5:27:39 AM
Nope! Now that I knew! There's nothing they can do about you drawing against theirs either! You're a sweetheart Jim and I'm sure all of us women appreciate the info! Once again, thanks.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 5:24:33 AM
I don't know why you want divorce your husband...whatever... I feel sorry for him...after working probably very hard for living...now he is very sick and you are thinking only about yourself.God bless you... Practical and materialistic part of life...where is ethical part...? And this comes from a man that is afraid to show your face... and separated, questioning ethics???? It's just as ethical as it was for him to tell me if I wanted intimacy of any sort that I should get a boyfriend because he had started running with his ex again... 15 years ago. You're likely one of those that CLAIM to be separated but actually aren't and just looking to see what you can get into. I have a hunch the husband and you have a lot in common.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/21/2008 5:17:44 AM
Thanks Cindy, sometimes situations are difficult and this is one of those. If I had worked all those years and had a really decent income with benefits I would never have thought twice about divorce, the same if I was younger... but the timing on this is just bad. I don't lie, never have and never will... about anything. To me lying equals disrespectful cowardice. Over the years I've tried to live my life with intentional integrity and the two just don't mix! LOL..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/20/2008 10:31:27 PM
but this country is still "sexist", and women are still seen as the ones who should make all the "caretaking sacrifices".....no matter what What I have found here too is that the location you live in plays a big part too. Thanks chocolatebrowne!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/20/2008 10:27:44 PM
Hi sapphireeyes.. you may be right about them knowing that we had been separated before then reconciled although it was for a total of 3 years. The first time was for 6 months, the second time a little over 2 and a half years, and this time it's been a year already. For me the difference is that before I wanted to work things out, now I have no desire to at all. The son is a daughter.. grin and she is very happy staying with her dad at the other place. That's very true about the medical bills though and an aspect I hadn't considered. We more than live in separate quarters though, we live in separate dwellings altogether, it's just that both are on the same 5 acres. I know he can't afford to buy out my part of it and I sure can't afford to buy his soooo.. Since I have close to 50K of my own cold hard cash tied up in this.. I find it hard to leave and pay rent somewhere when I have a place already paid for. Thanks for your input!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 73 (view)

Men happy, women sad, over 48 ? Posted: 11/20/2008 12:16:51 PM
mmmmmm... maybe the wife pulled the plug on his computer?

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/19/2008 8:34:07 PM
I agree ForumFilly, like I said.. 25 years ago I would have never given it a second thought and didn't! Now though things are different and you know what really sucks? The male population dosen't lose a thing by remarrying. I've caught a lot of flack about my stance from readers and posters in other forums that just glance at my profile instead of actually reading it. I don't go into a lot of detail there but figure if anyone has any questions they can ask. Yuma, Arizona gets a lot of what they call "snowbirds" during the winter. They are mostly retired people who flock south for the winter because it doesn't get cold there. You may be surprised at how many of them are just living together because of the same thing that I stated. I lived there for 6 years and many of them were our friends because of my husband's age. My situation doesn't prevent me from entering into a committed relationship with someone, it just prevents me from marrying them. The men will have to speak for themselves but I don't believe that there are too many in this age group that would be opposed to living together instead of being married. Thanks for the response!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Divorce vs Separation after 50 Posted: 11/19/2008 4:41:11 PM
I've seen much said about people on here just being separated instead of divorced but not much on it from this age group. I know that the situation changes quite a lot as we age when it comes to remarriage and benefits lost through it. As for me I'm 54 and separated, have been for a year now. The husband, who is 71, and I live on the same property but in separate dwellings and we still have a 15 soon to be 16 year old at home. I spoke with a lawyer and checked into a divorce here in Tennessee and it's very expensive, especially if you have minor children. Here neither parent can get custody or even visitation without going through parenting classes and having a mediator and lawyer separate for the child. The fact that he and I can come to terms on our own is irrelevent. Neither can you file your own divorce here, it has to go through an attorney. The cost will drop to about a third of what it is now when the child turns 18, and that's just a little over two more years. The other factor in my case is that the husband isn't well. He has diabetes and had his leg amputated three years ago, major heart problems, a lung tumor, asbestosis, emphysema, and high blood pressure. It's not guaranteed but the odds are in my favor for outliving him. I think that I will have a better idea of where those things are headed by the time our child turns 18. Since this property is set up with right of suvivorship it may be better to wait it out and again, two more years will give a better picture. One last factor is social security and retirement. I was a stay at home mom at his insistence, not mine. So for the past 20 years I didn't work or pay into social security other than during the times we were separated before.. a total of about 3 years. So for me to draw a decent social security I will need to retire on his base and rate instead of mine. At this age while I may have 20 years of life left, I know for certain I don't have 20 years of working life left.. starting over from scratch is not an option. From what I understand if I remarry I lose the option of drawing on the husband's social security... and I will lose the survivor retirement altogether. Also if I remarry and the new husband doesn't live for at least 10 years of that marriage or if we divorce I can't draw against his social security... nor can I go back and draw against the previous husbands. So I'm not seriously looking to remarry even if I do divorce unless I find information to the contrary. These are things I didn't have to even consider all those years ago when I divorced the late ex. I would like to hear others thoughts on this, how they view it, and even suggestions if there are any.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

Men happy, women sad, over 48 ? Posted: 11/19/2008 3:47:50 PM
Who's to say what constitutes "sad" or "happy"? Is being content mean you are happy? Or do you have to be constantly up and laughing? Sad- is that being just a little down, or crying every day? In today's society it seems that it's no longer acceptable or normal to be "sad." Doctors and others try to shove anti anxiety happy pills down our throat constantly because something has made us sad. I wonder when sadness became unacceptable? Your statement also made me think of something else.. I wonder how many in the study of male vs female for happiness were medicated?

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Men happy, women sad, over 48 ? Posted: 11/19/2008 3:41:40 PM
This would be precisely why older women, on average (most recent US census data--easy to Google) live 9 years longer than men, because they are so very depressed. ROFLMFAO!!!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

Men happy, women sad, over 48 ? Posted: 11/19/2008 3:39:49 PM
http://www.indexmeasures.com/dc2008/presentations/may14/14Lunch/Stevenson,14,135/Economic%20Growth%20and%20Happiness%20-NAEP.ppt Thanks Samuraicindy, I have a really slow (26.4kbps) modem connection and there are no other choices for internet on this mountainside. I will download this later tonight though and have a look at it. This thing really interests me because it is so contrary to what I know from talking with other women in our age bracket. If you have a good hard look at it why on earth wouldn't we be happy? Some of us no longer menstruate so that is out of the way, the kids are grown and gone mostly and we can play with the grandchildren and give them back, financially we are mostly ok and we can do as we please without having to answer to anyone! What is there to be unhappy about? A woman not having a mate in her life is not necessarily a bad thing and it's good to choose to share your life with someone rather than have to have them in it to take care of you.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 34 (view)

Men happy, women sad, over 48 ? Posted: 11/19/2008 10:55:49 AM
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080729133605.htm http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/116619.php http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSSP14904520080725 Sadly all of these articles you cited were based on the one study done by Easterlin and Plaginol. It would be interesting to know what their questions were and how many of what age... qualitave, quantitive.. etc. Based on the women here and their responses, I would have to say that older single women, or women not in a relationship are happier than those that are. But then, I don't have input from those that are!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Men happy, women sad, over 48 ? Posted: 11/19/2008 7:26:14 AM
Women over 48 or 49 start getting sadder and sadder, and unhappy with their choice in life for male companionship. You sure did bring a smile to my face this morning! LOL.. I don't know what study you are referring to but I can tell you that I doubt they talked to many women over 45 or 50. What happens is that as we age, most women become more comfortable with life and calm down. The kids are gone, we have peace and quiet in the home to enjoy once again, and we're in no hurry any more. As far as being unhappy with our choice in life for male companionship... you really need to have a look at the age group. Say a couple has been married 35 or more years. She was busy raising kids and probably working, he was working, suddenly the kids are gone and he retires. The man is home under foot all day long and it gets aggravating, especially if she has been a stay at home mom. He doesn't know what to do with himself so he follows her around, watches what she does, makes "suggestions" on how to "improve" what she does, she basically finds that suddenly she has another kid home and it's a wonder she doesn't blow him away! While women are finding more and more competition in all facets of life. I really would like to know where those studies are getting their facts, must have been from the men. You would be hard pressed to find many older women in competition with anything! Many of us older women don't give a rats a** about what others think of us or what we do. We have no need to compete in any area. Competitiveness is a male trait moreso than female. In fact, that may be why many of us will leave our marriages at that point in our lives. The fears that we held when we were young have given way to confidence in ourselves. One of the least of our fears is having the male presence in our lives if we so choose. My experience has been that I've had more men 35 and under coming on to me after I was 48 than when I was in the appropriate age group. I believe that men in the over 48 age group have many more fears than women. Women don't even reach their sexual peak until they are around 40 and that's bad timing considering most women in their 40's are married to men in their 50's. After 50, and sometimes before, is when men start suffering from ED and withdraw from interaction with their mates. I think that because of that dysfunction is why many men who have been faithful in a relationship will stray. Rather than work with the problem I believe they tend to think that a different or younger woman will set things right for them so it allows them "blame" their mate rather than own a physical problem. While a different or younger woman may work for a while it generally wears off fairly quickly. If unmarried they see all the singles dances and activities filled with women. Not if they go to the right places!

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Please~ man-woman dictionary needed??? Am I a fool? Posted: 11/18/2008 9:02:42 PM
he still wants to be in each others lives. He still wants to get to know me... he chose another woman... Did he really already choose or is he in the process of that now? Might be something to consider. Since he is still open to the relationship I would probably backstep some, have lunch or dinner, go out sometimes, but cut the intimacy until you have a better foundation. It shouldn't take too long for you to know.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 52 (view)

Those 3 Little Words Posted: 11/18/2008 8:00:40 AM
Been reading all of the posts and thinking, checked your profile for age... then thought age is irrelevent. One of the posters spoke of expectations. It's important in life to know that it's through expectations that we suffer many of our disappointments. You will seldom be disappointed if you don't expect. When relationships first begin there are no expectations, but as they progress quite often expectations build so we are no longer content with what is offered. Coming to know these things didn't happen for me until I was in my 30's. Because I know them now unfortunately I expect other to also. Not true sooo.. If you tell her you love her firstly don't have any expectations of her feeling the same or of it making a difference in your relationship with her. In fact, don't have any expectations at all. Secondly if you tell her then you may want to make her aware that you don't have any expectations! It could cause her to feel as if she needs to respond in some way or maybe feel obligated. Obligated isn't the right word here but it's all that comes to mind right now. But those feelings can cause her to feel pressure. Sometimes the thing is more in the way you say or do something rather than what you do.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Those 3 Little Words Posted: 11/17/2008 7:06:04 PM
Recently had this happen to me and posted a thread on it. For me it was 3 months instead of 2 weeks though when I said it. My SO was having a difficult time and that night my heart ached for him and what he was going through.. so I said ILY then told him goodnight. At the time it felt as if he needed to know someone loved him and was there for him. Later I didn't hear from him for a while and started thinking about it.. I wondered if it had scared him away, and realized that I had actually owned my feelings just by speaking them. It hadn't scared him, he did call and all is good. Sometimes love comes very quickly. I knew it once in 3 days and for 3 years it was like a fairytale.. once it took a long time. Both were long marriages, both are over, but the feeling was the same regardless of the time. In hindsight I would say for you to tell her that you have some very strong feelings for her and care very much.. and leave it at that. Good luck with however you decide.

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 78 (view)

Women kissing after oral sex Posted: 11/17/2008 9:10:15 AM
how do you feel about kissing your boyfriend after he performs oral sex on you? The same as I do before he performs oral sex. Max Nix..

N10SE

Joined: 7/27/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

No STDS Please Posted: 11/17/2008 4:17:14 AM
Openess... When my kids were growing up I was always very open in talking with them. The oldest asked me to make her a doctor's appointment for birth control when she was ready to become sexually active and the next to youngest asked me to buy him condoms. I always told them that if they couldn't fart in front of the person then they shouldn't take their clothes off in front of them. That they needed to be comfortable enough with their perspective partner to talk with them about sex before having sex. You don't know if someone is clean or not unless you go to the doctor with them when the results come in and it doesn't matter if it's internet or realtime.

Show ALL Forums