Best Walks into a bar jokes chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Best Walks into a bar jokes

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Best Walks into a bar jokes Posted: 8/3/2009 10:52:17 PM
Guy walks into a bar and starts talking into his hand. Bartender gets concerned and asks the guy what he’s doing. The guy explains that he has the latest cell phone and it’s in his hand. He turns his hand over and shows the bartender the numbers written on his palm. The bartender expresses his disbelief and the guy asks for his home phone number. He dials it and holds his hand up to the bartender’s ear as his wife answers. The bartender says “That’s really amazing but this is kind of a rough neighborhood so you might want to keep that under wraps or people are going to think you’re nuts and there’ll be trouble.” They guy agrees and goes on drinking his drink. A little while later the bar gets crowded and the guy starts talking into his hand. Guy goes to the bathroom and he’s gone for a while and the bartender starts getting nervous so he goes to check on him. When he gets there the guy is standing spread eagle against the wall with a roll of toilet paper coming out of the back of his underwear. Bartenders says “SEE! I told you to be careful!” Guy says “No! I’m waiting for a fax!”

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Getting Lucky Posted: 3/14/2008 9:41:13 PM
You're no longer 20-something. Here's what to do before you "get it on." 1 Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. 2 Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3 Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! 4 Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5 Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. 6 Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 7 Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 8 Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. 9 If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. 10 Don't even think about trying it twice in one night.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Friends Against the Odds Posted: 2/16/2008 10:07:08 AM
Drawn together by disaster, two women prove how powerful forgiveness can be. By Bonnie Rubin (GoodHousekeeping) Sari Evanson, a 20-year-old with a creamy complexion and shiny chestnut hair, stands before a group of suburban Minneapolis teens and parents, patiently waiting to get their attention. The kids, prospective drivers, don't know what to expect. For them, attending this meeting, sponsored by State Farm Insurance, means they'll save money on their premiums. For Sari, telling her story — how she was the driver who caused a fatal crash — is a crucial step toward earning forgiveness. "In a split second, so many lives were changed because of a mistake I made," Sari says. Though she's told this story many times, when she reaches the point where she finds out that the other driver didn't make it, she starts to sob. Standing nearby, a woman with luminous blue eyes touches Sari's arm reassuringly. She is Angela Mathison, 36, who was seriously injured in the crash Sari caused. Angela's daughter, Annika, now 3, was also hurt; her husband, Brent, then 37, died at the scene. Over the past two and a half years, Angela and Sari have forged an unlikely bond. And since last March, they have been giving community-service talks together, hoping to jolt teen drivers, who think they've heard it all, into being more conscientious behind the wheel. The accident happened on a crisp, clear December afternoon in 2004. The Mathisons were returning home from a family birthday party, their 10-week-old daughter safely belted into her backseat carrier. Angela, a nurse, was on maternity leave. "It was the perfect life," she says. "Brent was the best person I ever met." The Mathisons were about a mile from their Elk River, MN, home when Sari's Chevrolet Cavalier skidded across the highway median, broadsiding their pickup truck. The teen had been going 78 miles per hour in a 65-mile-per-hour zone, and she lost control of the car. At the wheel, Brent died instantly from massive internal injuries. Angela's left leg was crushed and her face burned by chemicals from the deployed airbag, while Annika suffered severe head trauma. Sari, then 17, also sustained serious injuries. "I must have blacked out after the crash," she says, "because all I remember is the median, a truck, and then some lady" — a Good Samaritan — "in the backseat of my car, holding my head still." Sari was taken to the nearest hospital; Angela and Annika were rushed to Hennepin County Medical Center, where Angela is on staff. It would be seven months before she was able to return to work. Angela could easily have been consumed by bitterness or a desire for revenge. But even in the early, disorienting weeks after the crash, she felt differently. "I didn't want anger to be the primary focus of my life," she says. "I needed to raise my daughter in a happy atmosphere — and that couldn't happen if her dad's name dredged up bad feelings." Angela learned that the other driver was a high school senior, a good student who held down two part-time jobs. The police found no evidence that she had been impaired by alcohol or drugs, or distracted by a cell phone. "If any of those had been the case," Angela tells her young audiences, "I wouldn't be here." Three months after the crash, Sari returned to school for half days. "I was so broken," she recalls. Stories ricocheted around the halls: Her car had been stuffed with passengers; she'd been stoned or drunk; she'd been clocked at 180 miles per hour. Home became a haven, where Sari's parents offered love and support. In August 2005, Sari met with Angela and Annika for the first time, at a court hearing. Accompanied by her parents, but no lawyer, Sari pled guilty to careless driving as a minor. Following the plea, Sari asked to speak with Angela alone. In a small conference room, she apologized to the woman whose suffering she'd caused. Impressed by Sari's demonstration of accountability in the courtroom, Angela told the teenager that while she was angry that her husband was gone, she was prepared to forgive. Then the two embraced, both of them in tears. Prosecutors could have treated Sari as an adult and charged her with criminal vehicular manslaughter, which would have resulted in jail time. But the victim's wishes weigh heavily in this process, and Angela could not let Sari go to jail. "I'm all for punishment when punishment is due," says Angela. "But Sari owned up to her mistake — and that is what this was: a mistake." Not everyone in her family understood, Angela concedes. "But I just told them that there had been enough pain, and this was the way it had to be." Sari was sentenced to 400 hours of community service, talking to teens about safe driving. Her penalty expired in 2006, but she still speaks at schools and safe-driving seminars. Between presentations, Angela and Sari stay in touch by phone and occasionally meet. Annika is doing well despite speech delays; she is also being monitored for possible developmental problems. Angela and Sari seem to share a special understanding. "It's so much easier to forgive someone else than to forgive yourself," Angela told the local newspaper. Says Sari: "Angela is amazing. I don't know if I could have done what she did."

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Valentine's Day Poems - anyone have any? Posted: 2/14/2008 9:12:42 AM
The day of love requires a companion, But I find myself at this time all alone. Words of sweet affection fill the morning Like bells outside the windows of my room. I don't know why I don't have someone with me. I've loved and been loved through the restless years. The mysteries of love I hold within me Are a darkness unrelieved by moon and stars. And yet I feel more love than I have ever Felt within the circle of a kiss. Love need not be a passion or a fever, Nor does it need a hand for its caress. Love does not require a companion. It doesn't need an object or a home. It flies above the ecstasy of morning And fills the universe inside my room.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Politician Pie Posted: 2/12/2008 11:12:01 AM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu ... - Tourist: $5 - Broiled Missionary: $10 - Fried Explorer: $15 - Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of it, it takes all morning."

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Dear Bank ... Posted: 1/21/2008 6:33:59 AM
This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old-woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year. --Your Humble Client

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 5775 (view)

pressing forward.... Posted: 1/13/2008 12:19:02 PM
Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fiber of character but strengthen it. Every conquering temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before." James Buckham

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

An Affair With a Cause Posted: 11/13/2007 5:19:01 AM
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha ... soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason." Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house, because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?" Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night, and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry "and, you did it to save my life. So, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time." "Alright," Martha said, "do you remember when you ran for president of your golf association and, you needed 73 more votes?"

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

Have you ever written to someone without seeking a date? Posted: 8/25/2007 9:20:53 AM
Yes, and like bucs have received many and made (and am still making) new friendships.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Date and Fraud Posted: 8/24/2007 7:45:17 AM
mlm...she has given the dogs up. Animal control has them along with the paperwork and is no longer responsible in any way. Valda don't beat yourself up.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Date and Fraud Posted: 8/24/2007 6:59:09 AM
Valdafox...If I were you (which I am not and have no control over what you think or do) I would enlighten your local police on what has happened just in case this fellow decides to pay you a visit. I think, given the fact that he has not been honest about his identity you need to be cautious about his future actions. You might want to check into having your telephone number changed as well. I would get rid of the DOGS ASAP. Cut your $400.00 loss and chalk it up to a lesson learned. $400.00 is a mere drop in the bucket compared to what it COULD cost if you keep them, even temporarily (ie your children, yourself and your family pets safety) Next, try to be a little less trusting when it comes to people you hardly know asking favours of you where $$$ is concerned HUGE RED FLAGS waving in the wind.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Later! Posted: 8/21/2007 12:49:16 PM
Witchy, Aries!!!! But we've got the biggest balls of them all! (and they do tricks as well BWAHHHHH!!!)

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Later! Posted: 8/21/2007 10:22:02 AM
aries the following God...the BALLS of some people! brings to mind this song....lol AC/DC BIG BALLS I'm [ever \| rather] upper class high society God's gift to ballroom notoriety I always fill my ballroom The event is never small The social pages say I've got The biggest balls of all CHORUS: I've got big balls I've got big balls And they're such big balls Dirty big balls And he's got big balls And she's got big balls But we've got the biggest balls of them all And my balls are always bouncing My ballroom always full And everybody cums and cums again If your name is on the guest list No one can take you higher Everybody says I've got Great balls of fire CHORUS Some balls are held for charity And some for fancy dress But when they're held for pleasure They're the balls that I like best My balls are always bouncing To the left and to the right It's my belief that my big balls Should be held every night

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 99 (view)

Canadian women hotter than American women Posted: 8/20/2007 7:13:33 AM
sassy, not sure where you were in Canada, but, most Canadians are friendly. I have travelled in and around a few states in the USA and felt inferior and unwelcomed by more than a few American citizens. In saying this, I would still refrain from catagorizing "most" Americans as being stuck-up.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 65 (view)

Would you confront them? Posted: 7/25/2007 7:24:38 AM
Hell no, confrontation always works in the negative. I think ( I have read your post and your responses) that perhaps your relationship was shakey from the get-go. Put this in your book of memoirs and walk away with your dignity in tact. To sit and wait for him to come back would be a waste of time and emotion. Besides, if you decide to wait for this break to end, and you do get back with him, chances are that the feelings you had would change. Most often second chances do not work. Good luck! KAT

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

Accepting the kids... Posted: 7/24/2007 9:53:27 AM
Umm readyxca....smoke another one would ya. Geeeeseuzzzz!!!!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 60 (view)

my heart is broken Posted: 7/21/2007 11:21:33 AM
With Thoughts of Deepest Sympathy On the Loss of Your Son In the quiet moments when the hurt is hard to bear, May love become your shelter, and may the beauty of precious memories become your comfort. You are held in gentle thought and prayer Words can't make your sorrow any easier to bear, But they can show how deeply others sympathize and care. Kat

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 91 (view)

I always find it interesting... Posted: 7/14/2007 8:46:17 AM
I was reading all the responses to this post when I came upon fireman's wisdomly words and HAD to respond... I totally agree.."why cover up a work of art" make it mandatory that all works of art MUST be revealed, starting with fireman As for all the tat bashing, it's a personal choice, end of story!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

Super-Pookie, killed in action Posted: 7/10/2007 6:41:30 AM
For those who read this thread, a moment of silence in honor of Cole and his family.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 94 (view)

Man gets 10 yrs for oral sex Posted: 6/12/2007 5:57:41 AM
HAAAALT ... all the country bashing can stop...stick to the original post! OT I have a 14 year old daughter and a soon to be 17 year old son. I have to disagree with the silly legal logic here..most times my daughter is far more mature than my son. Even though there was a 2 year age gap, the maturity level closes that gap. At 17 this guy was a kid himself, nothing adult about him other than an erection. 10 years in prison and his name on the register???? wayyyyy to harsh.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Husband and Wife..... Posted: 5/27/2007 5:56:18 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................................. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 64 (view)

Men who ride Harleys Posted: 4/5/2007 11:39:07 AM
Give me a rugged man, a harley, and the open road and I am a happy lady

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

George Carlin's Views on Aging Posted: 3/29/2007 7:24:46 AM
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

HOW TO STAY YOUNG Posted: 3/29/2007 7:11:55 AM
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them." 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5.Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Why are there so many crazy women in this world? Posted: 3/24/2007 10:33:13 AM
Why are there so many crazy women in this world? Simple answer...so the many crazy men in this world can have soulmates too!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1799 (view)

Limericks. Are Us...From the Very Best Poets on Earth Posted: 3/17/2007 9:12:33 AM
There once was a lady named Cager, Who as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F-major.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

this be St.Patrick's morn Posted: 3/17/2007 8:15:17 AM
An Irish Toast There are good ships, and there are wood ships, The ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships, And may they always be. Happy St Paddy's Day!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Happy St Paddy's Day! Posted: 3/17/2007 8:00:15 AM
A Little History Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland. He was born in AD 389 at Bannavem Taburniae, a Roman village in Northamptonshire. When 16 years old Patrick was captured and sold as a slave to an Irish farmer. Six years later, in Armagh, he began the conversion of the Irish to Christianity. St. Patrick's Day is celebrated on 17th March in Ireland and throughout the Celtic nations. A shamrock is traditionally worn on this day. The shamrock symbolises the Holy Trinity. In Ireland St. Patrick's Day has come to represent nationalism and great feasting and drinking Pota Padraig or St. Patrick's Pot takes place on this day. A Timeless Irish Blessing. Go raibh tú daibhir i mí-áidh Agus saibhir i mbeannachtaí Go mall ag déanamh namhaid, go luath a déanamh carad, Ach saibhir nó daibhir, go mall nó go luath, Nach raibh ach áthas agat Ón lá seo amach. May you be poor in misfortune, Rich in blessings, Slow to make enemies, quick to make friends, But rich or poor, quick or slow, May you know nothing but happiness From this day forward. ---------------------------------------------------------------- May the road rise to meet you! Go n-éirí an bóthar leat Go raibh an ghaoth go brách ag do chúl Go lonraí an ghrian go te ar d'aghaidh Go dtite an bháisteach go mín ar do pháirceannaAgus go mbuailimid le chéile arís, Go gcoinní Dia i mbos A láimhe thú. May the road rise to meet you May the wind be always at your back May the sun shine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields And until we meet again May God hold you in the hollow of His hand. -------------------------------------------------------- An Irish Pub Toast To All!!! When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Good Idea...Bad Idea...You be the judge! [Locked - Redundant] Posted: 2/20/2007 7:00:40 AM
Single parents are well aware of the frustration involved in trying to track down the support paying parent in order to get support that is owing. The following news clip addresses the need for stricter measures in continued efforts to get these "deadbeat" parents to comply. What is your take on this? February 19, 2007 GOODPARENTSPAY.COM Goes Live New Website Will Help Track Down Irresponsible Parents Not Paying Support QUEEN’S PARK – The McGuinty government has launched www.goodparentspay.com, a new website that will help track down parents who are not paying their court-ordered support, Minister of Community and Social Services Madeleine Meilleur announced today. “Children should not suffer because of a parent who refuses to live up to his or her financial responsibilities,” said Meilleur. “Good parents pay child support. For those who don’t, we want to make things very clear: we will find you and we will make sure your children get the support they deserve.” The new website, run by the Family Responsibility Office (FRO), feature pictures and other information about defaulting support payors. The site allows people to submit information about these individuals anonymously to the FRO. “We are thrilled that this government is taking the necessary steps to ensure that more children receive the support to which they are entitled. We all have to work together when it comes to our children's welfare,” said Renate Diorio of Families Against Deadbeats. The FRO is also reporting defaulting support payors to professional and occupational organizations beginning with The Law Society of Upper Canada and the Ontario Motor Vehicle Industry Council. These new powers are the latest measures introduced to increase enforcement by the McGuinty government to help children get the support they deserve. Other measures include increasing the FRO’s powers to demand personal information about payors in order to locate them and the Credit Bureau Initiative which has collected more than $330 million since January 2004.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

i need some advice Posted: 2/19/2007 1:33:38 PM
Do a reverse lookup on his telephone number, sometimes people list their full names in the directory. Sorry I noticed this was suggested earlier...you can use 411 as well

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

there will not be a third Posted: 1/27/2007 11:21:16 AM
Ahh hun. Don't jump ship. Slow down, take it easy, stand back for awhile, but do not give up. I must admit, it is was a strange, eery coincidence that this happened twice in a row, almost verbatim but life and love are strange in many ways. Just write it off as one of the oddities in ones life and move ahead...steady as she goes.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Have we forgotten Markus? Posted: 1/25/2007 7:03:16 AM
Go Markus! and thank you!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

What is a good first email? Posted: 1/25/2007 7:01:36 AM
Keeping it simple is the key. Read her/his profile first so as not to be redundant, and a little humour goes a long way. If you want to score points...stay away from any sexual connotations and overtones. To do so means the cyber door will most likely be slammed shut and you will be left standing in the cold.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Seven Kinds of Sex Posted: 1/23/2007 6:15:14 AM
Recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex. The first kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The second kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The third kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The fourth kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say, "Screw you." The fifth kind of sex is called Religious Sex. This means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at night. The sixth kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least, the seventh kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little from time to time, but not enough to live on.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Single Parent With A Twist Posted: 1/22/2007 6:50:09 AM
Quantum..you are more this child's father than his bio-father..you are his "dad". I should think any woman in their right mind would know/feel that this is an indication of the type of man you are. In my books, it takes courage, love, devotion and more, for a father to raise their biological child as a single parent, but, to take a child who is not biologically his own and to raise this child with the love that you obviously have for him ranks at the top of my list. You are to be commended not condemned, and this should not make a difference. He is YOUR son in all aspects, and you are HIS dad end of story! BTW you get from me....KAT

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Beware who you give tickets to! Posted: 1/20/2007 8:55:49 AM
A Texas State Trooper was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

JAMES BROWN DEAD AT 73 Posted: 12/25/2006 10:43:19 AM
The godfather of soul, his music trilogy will live on. I remember the first cool dance moves I learned were that of the Great James Brown! My 16 year old son was even saddened by his passing (my son is very into the blues both playing and listening... following in his mom's footsteps).

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac Posted: 12/20/2006 12:29:16 PM
Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. - Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. - Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots or your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. -Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE - Jimmy Jimmy, That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. - Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing c-ocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! - Santa Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a (f)ucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! -Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? - Santa Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle Dear Michelle, It blows my (f)ucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." - Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who the (f)uck names their kid "Francis" nowadays? - Santa Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... - Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! - Santa

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Barbie Writes to Santa Posted: 12/20/2006 12:05:33 PM
itsme75...here is the song in it's entirety...enjoy! All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth Every body stops and stares at me These two teeth are gone as you can see I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe! But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be! All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth! Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth, then I could with you Merry Christmas. It seems so long since I could say, Sister Susie sitting on a thistle! Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be, if I could only whistle (thhhh) All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth. Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth, then I could wish you Merry Christmas! and on the flip side....Ken's Christmas List! Ken c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole December 23, 1998 Dear Santa: I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Barbie Writes to Santa Posted: 12/20/2006 6:25:14 AM
Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole December 23, 1996 Dear Santa: There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2006: A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt? Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! A REAL man ... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy, Ken. And what's with that earring, anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done. A sports bra to wear until I get the surgery. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account executive? A new, more 2006 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years; I think I deserve it. OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new **** for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

can anybody help me? Posted: 12/18/2006 6:29:33 AM
Delivered...just a tad harsh considering..some people turn to the most obscure places to get help, insight, and strength to deal with situations. Sometimes a complete stranger can give the best advice. Go easy on the girl, she has alot on her plate to deal with. OT I am not sure if I can say anything to make your pain and hurt less than what it is. You have a variety of opinions here, just take what is useful to you and dismiss the rest. It would be easy for me to jump on the band wagon and just say "forget him" but, that is truly easier said than done. You are going through the natural stages of a process I referred to in another thread...it is a grieving process. It does get easier but, it takes time. Fill your life with friends and family, you need a support team. You will have to deal with your children and their feelings sooner than later. It will be difficult, no doubt about it. Do not wait around for him in any case. Try and make a new life for you and your children, and, if in the future you decide to try again with him, go into it slowly, but keep in mind he did this once, chances are he may do it again, so be prepared. Just make sure you make the best choices for your children and yourself NOT for him. To answer your question or queiry as to why he would do "love" things and then just leave...it was to cover-up what was really going on, he set you up for a fall.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 57 (view)

How far would you travel to meet someone online? Posted: 12/15/2006 12:13:54 PM
I travelled 2449.91 miles, a 13 hour flight.

Sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Chronic Instability Posted: 12/14/2006 1:16:17 PM
I would say, "three strikes you're out" fits the situation at hand. Girl, walk away from it now. I think he has pretty well exhausted all his excuses. I think you are being strung along by this person and now it is time to just cut the ties that bind.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Nine Signs You're Getting Older Posted: 12/12/2006 8:04:20 AM
lol just came back to check out responses...some very funny additions I must say! Thank you, and so happy to see humor is alive and well on fish!

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 76 (view)

Kid arrested for opening present too early. Posted: 12/12/2006 8:01:00 AM
Well said shana.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 74 (view)

Talk about fast... Posted: 12/12/2006 7:49:34 AM
The majority of adult single people undoubtedly desire the ultimate feeling of being in love with another person. Instilled in people’s minds is that love will bring happiness, safely and security. Most people are witness to a loving relationship from a very young age, as we witness the love of our parents. As adults, the media overwhelms us with love stories. Countless advertising bombards us to find love. When one is single, it may seem that everywhere they look; there are couples holding hands, talking and laughing together. This can produce an overpowering desire for a person to find love. Real and genuine love means connecting in ways that are almost indescribable. Present are the key elements that each desire in a relationship. There is a strong emotional attachment, as well as an intense physical attraction. The two people in the relationship spent time thoroughly getting to know the each other. These people will understand each other quirks and habits. They will learn each other’s history and the life that they lived up until they met. After sometime, a feeling of comfort and admiration occurs. As cliché as it sounds, if love is going to happen, both will have a feeling of “fitting together” and “finding their better half”. If both people involved in the relationship are content and their desires fulfilled, as time moves on, an increasing feeling of devotion and affection will change into a deep and strong feeling of love. Without these fundamentals in place, having the feelings of falling in love exceedingly prematurely can result in needless heartbreaking outcomes. It is true that being single can sometimes produce intense feelings of loneliness. These feelings of solitude and wanting acceptance into a loving relationship can make one push for a relationship that is not correct for them. Beginning to spend time with another, sometimes a person will mistake the feeling of acceptance for the feeling of love. Love is not something easily obtained. For long periods, love can escape us, as we search for that someone special that we wish for in our lives. Telling yourself that you are in love, does not create love. If not all of the essentials of genuine love are in place, convincing yourself that you are in love does not magically produce those necessary elements. If in almost every relationship you enter, you fall in love within a couple weeks or even days, you must ask yourself; are you really in love? Undoubtedly, falling in love produces a magnificent euphoric high. The emotion of finding one’s “soul mate” fulfills a deep desire to bond with someone. True love is such a rare find. In terms of realistic expectations, one simply cannot sincerely be in love with every person they meet or date. Allowing yourself to feel you are in love with almost everyone you connect with, in a small measure of time, only will lead to ultimate disappointment. Sincerely asking yourself the question, “Was it really true love?” may give you the knowledge that perhaps you did not actually experience love. This is not to imply you did not admire someone, like spending time with him or her or had lust for him or her. However, did real love exist? Comprehending that it did not, may lessen the sense of feeling betrayed and the feeling of being wounded from relationships gone astray. To free yourself from being the victim of lost “love”, give yourself the time to unequivocally get to know and appreciate someone, allowing love to happen in it’s own due course. Do not impulsively rush into a state of feeling in love. Seriously consider all of the factors that ensure a real and lasting love. Give this feeling time to develop. Only then, can you truly know that you are in love.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

None Posted: 12/11/2006 5:04:26 PM
ding, ding, ding, someone's out-to-lunch! To much Christmas Cheer???

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Snoopy, spying B/F....WTF Posted: 12/10/2006 9:22:38 AM
He is a control freak for sure. Understand that these type of people are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk away. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Help with this girl Posted: 12/9/2006 4:51:28 PM
Maybe she is an exotic dancer or....a lady of the night/escort.

sindee

Joined: 9/22/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

Just a LITTLE overdressed......your reaction please. Posted: 12/9/2006 7:59:30 AM
Make the best of the situation and have FUN! One time I was invited to a party for the local college in my city. It was for a huge fashion show that the students in the fashion course put on. I asked what the dress code was and my date told me it was very low keyed, jeans and a nice shirt would suffice. My own good sense should have told me that the majority would be dressed to impress but...off I went with jeans and a "nice shirt. Upon my arrival there I noticed EVERY female in the room was dressed in evening gowns and the men in tux's. I took a deep breath walked in (in my jeans and "nice shirt") started to mingle and had the time of my life. I was totally comfortable in my dress downs and could relax and just have a great time.

Show ALL Forums