HELP. I'm confused, lonely, and heartsick chat & forums.

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Thread: HELP. I'm confused, lonely, and heartsick

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

HELP. I'm confused, lonely, and heartsick Posted: 1/11/2006 7:53:16 AM
Thank you all for your advice. I really do appreciate it. What a few people asked is if things are different and if I'm in love with who she is or who she was. First, I will always love the person she used to be or I wouldn't have loved her to begin with. Lots of things have changed in the course of our breakup. I used to have a low self esteem because I had no job or a dead end minimum wage. I went out too often and left her out of my nights out because she couldn't come. I was the sole means of support and that was getting us nowhere. Now, she just turned 21, has a job, and has made a lot more of herself and also grown up in the way she thinks about things and the decisions she makes. I have landed myself a very good, well paying, long term government contracted job with potential to travel all over from Germany, Pennsylvania, Iraq, Alaska, or Hawaii. I think I have fallen even more for the women she is now than the girl I first met. Thats where the confusion is. We have a bad history, but in my eyes we have grown and changed in ways that might produce a different outcome. Before I wanted nothing more than to go out and do whatever with whoever. Now I want to settle down, fix the family I already have, and maybe make some new additions. She has let on that she feels the same way. Maybe I'm afraid to move on and see what's out there, but I'd hate myself if I walked away from what might have been. One of my primary thoughts is my daughter. I would love nothing more than for her to grow up in a loving household with both biological parents (something neither me or my ex ever had) and maybe some brothers and sisters. Any new thoughts or the always helpful slaps upside the head are deeply appreciated. Thank You.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

HELP. I'm confused, lonely, and heartsick Posted: 1/9/2006 2:11:12 AM
This might be a long one. 4 months ago my girlfriend of 2 years and subsequently the mother of my child and I split up and against my protests began dating my best freind of 10 years (needless to say not my best friend anymore). Now just the other day when I was visiting my daughter and my ex and I got to talking. She admitted that she missed me and still loved me and I reciprocated. Since we split I have been single and celibate. I've tried finding other girls (hence me being on here) but for some reason can't make the connection. After a few days of talking with my ex and letting her know how I still feel and what I've come to realize in our time apart, and hearing numerous gripes about her boyfriend, I broached the subject of us ever getting back together. She said she is where she wants to be in a relationship right now but then says that it's not moving forward and she's not very happy right now. She has made quite a few confusing comments about where she wants to end up and I'm really worked up and confused. I've done nothing but think of her for over a week and from what I've heard from her roomate she has a similar problem. I honestly don't know what to do, it feels like my heart is lifted up and dropped after every conversation but I couldn't bear not talking to her again and know nothing would make either of us happier than to be together again. So here I stand in a dilemna, emotionally FUBAR. Any advice, tips, hints, pointers, or anything else of the sort???

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

That was a smart one Posted: 10/17/2005 3:54:24 PM
Thanks a lot everyone. Even those who were cruel and harsh. Thankfully I can prove some of you wrong who were questioning my intelligence by saying I haven't much talked to her since I posted. I still chat every now and then but am no longer trying for anything resembling important issues. If she brings up her ex I change the subject. If I call and she's with her ex I end the conversation as promptly as possible. I guess I was hoping to do for her what I needed done for me. I too just got out of a bad relationship and was hoping to ease someone elses pain in a similar situation. As for finding another girl, oddly enough I notice things that I kind-of ignored before and realized that there was actually people interested in me. I also got a job working 60 hrs a week and have had very little time to worry about trivial sh**. If something happens cool beans, if not, I should be working anyway.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Able to flirt online, but not in person...Help!!! Posted: 10/12/2005 7:37:20 PM
Plus... Have you tried meeting online, then in person. Once you get a feel for someone over the internet and devolope standings and common ground then it is a little easier to act like yourself. They already know you and accept you for who you are.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Able to flirt online, but not in person...Help!!! Posted: 10/12/2005 7:36:40 PM
Issues with face to face contact could probably be connected with fear of rejection. On the computer rejection can be a tad easier to take since you can always turn around and meet someone else. Once face to face occurs you have made at least small steps and investments in hooking up with this person. With that said. I always try to roll with the punches. Rejection happens. If you are being yourself and are rejected for it, then that person was not meant for you to begin with. There are many people out there and not all of them are exactly right. I just do my best to show my true colors and if they don't like it then I'm not the one at a loss. I would much rather be rejected for who I am than accepted for who I'm not.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

That was a smart one Posted: 10/12/2005 7:30:34 PM
Is the single female category devoid of intelligence or do I just find the good ones. I'm not trying to generalize an entire gender, so girls please don't be offended. I met this very nice young woman and began devoloping a friendship with her. Most of the conversations consisted of her CPMing about this guy she was seeing but broke up with. So I do the nice thing and having been in a similar relationship gave her some pointers on how to get over it. I have even helped her find an apartment, taken her out to dinner, and many other things. I'm not trying to use that as leverage and am content to be her friend though I would not object to more. After picking up the application for the apartment I called her to let her know that I had one for her, She said she was hanging out with her ex, who shall remain unnamed. This bothered me since every time she sees him she ends up in tears and saying she never wants to see him again, even to him. Just today I called her to see how her job interview went and congratulated her when she said she got it. Unfortunately she couldn't talk because she was over at her exes house watching a movie. I find this eternally frustrating. I don't mind being there and helping someone but if they continually put them in situations that they need help with I start to run out of patience. Should I still try to help and pick up the pieces or just leave her to deal with her own self inflicted issues. I need this advice as a friend and hopefully a potential future partner. If she could get over the ***hole I could show her a romantic world she never imagined but the ex seems to blocking the door.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

NEW AND IMPROVED Posted: 10/3/2005 4:52:17 PM
After much refining and many failed attempts I think I finally have a keeper. Let me know what you think and if you see something that could be done better I am not adverse to constructive criticism. If you think it's good and your interested that's always welcome too.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

I know it lacks a pic..anything else???? Posted: 10/3/2005 4:11:59 PM
No problem no more. I thought I caught all the freinds and changed them to friends but I guess not. I just figured I don't like reading the humongous profiles so I tried to keep mine short and to the point. Thanks for the help

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

I know it lacks a pic..anything else???? Posted: 10/3/2005 11:29:38 AM
I've been writing and re-writing my profile trying to generate responses but seem to have gotten nowhere. Any ideas or suggestions besides the pic (which I am diligently working on but keep running into ID10T errors on my computer). So if you have any ideas or are mildly interested let me know.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Best off line places to meet people? Posted: 10/3/2005 11:24:43 AM
Conveniently shop in the same isle. Or strike up a conversation in the checkout line and if she has a lot of groceries or some heavy items offer to help her to her car and unload.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

guys that cook... turn on or off? Posted: 10/3/2005 11:20:10 AM
I've been told I'm a pretty good cook, I also do dishes, and time in the military plus working in hotel housekeeping before, I can clean the rest of the house and make the bed. I just prefer messing it up LOL

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

What am I doing wrong Posted: 10/2/2005 1:34:16 PM
New profile and screenname working on the pic as we speak. thanks everyone.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

What am I doing wrong Posted: 10/2/2005 1:09:06 PM
Thank you all for your advice and I am working on the changes as we speak. For those in the medical knowledge world I do not have the lupus disease. I chose the name LupusFan due to the fact that I like Canus Lupus Lupus (the grey wolf) but it seemed a little long.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

What am I doing wrong Posted: 10/1/2005 3:08:58 PM
For me I think the best part of this is the forums where you can openly talk about things and get responses. But for some reason I can't seem to get responses via e-mail and profile. Every time I try e-mailing someone that I have something in common with or fit what they are supposedly "looking for" I get no response. I don't know if I'm saying the wrong thing, don't fit what they are looking for, or just because I don't have a pic with my profile. If anyone has good advice for getting responses via e-mail please let me know because I'm running out of ideas. Or if you have the time take a look at my profile and tell me if I should change something that would turn women away for some reason or another. I just wish I had someone I could talk to at the end of the day and give me a hug when things are going horribly wrong. I hope that's not to much to ask. Thanks in advance for your help.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

What am I doing wrong Posted: 10/1/2005 3:08:23 PM
For me I think the best part of this is the forums where you can openly talk about things and get responses. But for some reason I can't seem to get responses via e-mail and profile. Every time I try e-mailing someone that I have something in common with or fit what they are supposedly "looking for" I get no response. I don't know if I'm saying the wrong thing, don't fit what they are looking for, or just because I don't have a pic with my profile. If anyone has good advice for getting responses via e-mail please let me know because I'm running out of ideas. Or if you have the time take a look at my profile and tell me if I should change something that would turn women away for some reason or another. I just wish I had someone I could talk to at the end of the day and give me a hug when things are going horribly wrong. I hope that's not to much to ask. Thanks in advance for your help.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

What exactly am I doing wrong Posted: 10/1/2005 3:05:32 PM
For me I think the best part of this is the forums where you can openly talk about things and get responses. But for some reason I can't seem to get responses via e-mail and profile. Every time I try e-mailing someone that I have something in common with or fit what they are supposedly "looking for" I get no response. I don't know if I'm saying the wrong thing, don't fit what they are looking for, or just because I don't have a pic with my profile. If anyone has good advice for getting responses via e-mail please let me know because I'm running out of ideas. Or if you have the time take a look at my profile and tell me if I should change something that would turn women away for some reason or another. I just wish I had someone I could talk to at the end of the day and give me a hug when things are going horribly wrong. I hope that's not to much to ask. Thanks in advance for your help.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Guys if a girl is not willing to have more kids would you still date her? Posted: 9/30/2005 4:22:03 PM
I think that is actually an ideal situation for most guys. A lot of men won't date a single mom due to the "what if she wants more" factor. Some men are afraid that you might attempt to get pregnant and give them the responsibility of being a father when they're not ready for it, or you might get pregnant accidentally and decide to keep it with the same result. Any man that decides not to date you due to the fact that you don't want anymore kids right now because they want them in the future is not giving you due credit for the possibility of a change of mindset. You say you don't want kids now but what about in a couple of years with the right person and different circumstances.......by then who knows

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Things that make you go HMMMM??? Posted: 9/30/2005 4:16:46 PM
Almost sounds like a pity play. Get you feeling sorry for him so he could bring about a good natured "I'm not like everyone else response". There is honesty and then there is embellishing and overexaggerating. I feel sorry for him if this is actually how it is but reality seems to point a little towards over the top. If someone has a monotone voice and doesn't like it pitch modulation is not that difficult to get a grasp on. Either there is something not being told or this is just a play on the "sympathy card".

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

how do single parents date? Posted: 9/29/2005 11:26:26 AM
Being a single father and newly out of the relationship I haven't ventured much into the dating world but for me I've been primarily looking for other single parents. For me my daughter is very important and also part of my "screening system". If someone is not willing to accept my daughter then it's not the person I'm looking for. My suggestion to you would be look for someone either open to or with kids around the same age. You could set up a first date as a play date and go from there. Seeing the other person with children usually lets you know more about them than if you went to dinner or a movie without.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Does being a good father make me a bad guy Posted: 9/29/2005 11:19:29 AM
Thank you all for your support and advice. I really appreciate the fact that there are people out there that feel the same way I do. Also being prior military and airborne I appreciate the 4th point of contact comment ShadowKnight . I will keep you all updated on the proceedings. The only people I'm really worried about thinking me as the "Bad Guy" is my daughter which I'm sure she'll come to understand, my Ex (but I think I'll get over that soon enough), and her current boyfriend (which also unfortunately is also my "Best" freind of 10 years, though I don't know how much weight that carries anymore). I have a lot of people commending me for my actions, I just wish I could do it without anyone condemning me for them.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Moving on after a breakup: what to do with the pictures and letters Posted: 9/28/2005 1:05:00 PM
I think it's all situation depending. I have always kept a few pictures and letters of past relationships because even in a bad breakup you still had good times otherwise you wouldn't have had a relationship to begin with. My personal theory is that lifes experiences make us who we are. Every relationship you have ever been in has probably made some shift in your way of thinking (however minute). To forget, bury, or burn the past is trying to erase something that made a difference in our lives. If you come out better on the other end I would thank the person for making you what you are today and keep something as a reminder of how they helped you.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Does being a good father make me a bad guy Posted: 9/28/2005 12:31:18 PM
I wrote something similar to this in hope of a response for some feedback and advice so I'm writing again for the same effect. I have the unfortunate resposibility of taking my ex to court for full custody of my 2 y/o daughter. I have many documented accounts of abuse and neglect against the mother witnessed by at least 9 people. I promised her once that I would never try to take my daughter away from her but the current situation seems to leave me no other option. I know my daughter will have a hard time with the seperation and will probably resent me in the future, and I know for a fact that her mom is going to hate me more than she does already. But I feel it my duty as a father to give my daughter the best situation for developement and a sound childhood. I just wish there was some other way. I just wish I could be a good father and the good guy at the same time.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

do men actually exist that date women with kids?? Posted: 9/27/2005 6:21:40 PM
Oddly enough I find that it goes the other way around. I have found a lot of guys will go up and talk to a single mom. But if i go somewhere with my daughter every girl out there assumes that her mom is close by and that I'm off the market. Are caring fathers that rare to create such a stigma around them. Either it's a deadbeat dad or somebody elses man.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Its embrassing the way things ended, How do u dust your self off? Posted: 9/27/2005 4:30:21 PM
I know how you feel more than I want to indetify with I think. I was with a girl for 2 years and engaged to be married. We also have a 2 y/o daughter together. We decided to take a break and grudgingly decided to see other people. I embarassed myself and broke down crying telling her how much I loved her and wanted to get back together and work things out. She not only denied me but then started going out with my best freind of 10 years and started sleeping with him 3 days later. So much for love and freindship huh. I just say keep your eyes open, after all there is "plenty of fish" in the sea. Who says the one that got away was actually the catch of a lifetime.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Why can't health, welfare, and happiness all occur at once. Posted: 9/27/2005 2:10:12 PM
I have the unfortunate responsibility of having to take my ex to court for full custody of my 2 y/o daughter. I care for nothing but the health and welfare of my daughter and want nothing more than to see her happy. Unfortunately this all can't occur at once. I have multiple documented cases of neglect and abuse towards my daughter from her mother with at least 9 witnessess and multiple calls to CPS. I have started the paperwork to get full custody and am opting for her mother to have only supervised visitation. My fear is that this will be detrimental to my daughters happiness at first seeing is how she will only be seeing her mother on a weekly basis. But if I left her in that situation I feel the outcome could be much worse physically, emotionally, mentally, and developementally. I just wish I didn't have to be the bad guy when I'm just trying to be a good father.

CanisLupusFan

Joined: 9/23/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Is there a limit on "whatever makes you happy" Posted: 9/26/2005 2:26:12 PM
I have always had the opinion towards my relational partner that whatever makes you happy is O.K. by me. So when we decided to see other people it was whatever makes you happy. I just had a little trouble when whatever made her happy turned out to be my Best Friend of 10 years. They both knew that I still cared about her and wanted to work things out but I guess they took advantage of me on the whole "whatever makes you happy thing". Now I'm heartbroken and feel like I flushed 10 years of freindship down the drain.

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