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smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

How Does POF Compare To Other Sites? Posted: 5/29/2006 2:51:44 PM
This site is as good as the 'pay sites' in most ways, and MUCH BETTER in others. The biggest, for me, is the forums because it is possible for people who think in similar ways and agree in how they feel about things to find each other. And even if they do live a long ways off, friendship, support and communication are very valuable things to have. (Of course there are a great many very nasty flamers here too sometimes, and it can be hard to be polite to them until they realize they'll get no fight in return...) I thought I would be happy to pay ALOT just to get good help finding HER - but having looked all around, the sites that promise results for big $$$ are actually alarmingly vague about what their promises actually mean, and I have yet to find even one that starts out saying they will FOR SURE get you together with someone in a specific amount of time or refund your money for real. For a minute there I almost laid out more $$$ than ever before on one of these things - but when I paused and asked questions I saw right away that it was not likely to either deliver results (because that promise is an impossible one); OR to allow a member to collect a refund (because it was impossible to prove they didn't deliver as promised...). So I bailed instead - but I am still here !! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 46 (view)

Were you really in LOVE ???? Posted: 5/29/2006 2:40:38 PM
Gmaverick that is a great description !! I too have experienced what you described, and it is too amazing for words - but you have come as close to describing it as I have ever seen. So the trick must be to not only somehow find this amazing person/quality/experience, but to get together and somehow get that connection to LAST !! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 647 (view)

Has anyone been brave enough to meet someone with no pic at all? Posted: 5/29/2006 12:57:45 PM
Yes, many times. Some have been honest, and some have not. Many have been spectacularly nice people and one in particular is a friend that I hope will always be in my life. Pretty faces and cool bodies are nice to see, but are not enough to make a relationship with, in my experience. There is something else that neither fits into words nor into pictures that must be there for both people or the connection doesn't happen. It doesn't travel over the phone either - because someone with the loveliest voice and kindest words may turn out to be another very pleasant acquaintance once we've actually met in person. I have suggested this many times before, and I wonder sometimes why it is so hard for folks to see it this way - that places such as this are for greeting and exchanging facts; but in order to 'get' what someone is about it is unavoidable that we must meet face to face and spend some time together, and share who we are and what we are about. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Slim, Slender, Average, Athletic, Fit....now what??? Posted: 5/28/2006 5:56:56 PM
I agree with all the prior posters that there is someone for everyone, and as long as you are honest and up front then anyone who isn't right for you is just contributing to your experiences with other people, and that's all. Someone will be in the right place at the right time and will be dazzled by the person you truly are - so just shine on and just keep smiling, have faith in yourself and your choices and in time things will all work out - probably even better than you can imagine ! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Men can be abused too... Posted: 5/22/2006 5:00:06 PM
OP - you are a brave man, and I salute your courage in sharing here, as well as your wisdom in seeking help and parting ways !! I have seen some foolish attacks in replies here, but for anyone to call you names in response, and especially to call you 'weak' in any words could not be farther from the truth. Fact is - it takes greater strength to love than to abuse, attack, or in any way hurt or injure another person. There are an amazing amount of men who endure abuse - and it is such a shock to some folks that women can be very physically abusive too ! It takes a very strong person to refuse to hit back, and even a stronger one to do the right thing - be it seeking help, or just leaving such a bad situation. It is also hard when a man does truly feel love for the woman who has such pain in her that she must hit or otherwise abuse, because he does want to be with her usually, and will convince himself to sustain the abuse hoping that she will 'come out of it' and see what she has done and that he really does care for her - but it seldom works out that way. Sadly most abusers were abused terribly, and early in their lives, and as a result they almost all suffer from arrested development - a condition which is very difficult to get past for most people. You did well - now learn from that and move on ! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

life aint worth a damn without the heart of a woman Posted: 5/18/2006 9:06:50 PM
OP - this, like so many other things, is a matter of depth and other things that determine a person's path in life, like what can only be called relative maturity or even evolutionary level. Very few people seem to understand or even see the possibility of living a Heart centered life - and that is fine - it's their path to live. It always surprises me when I see folks that are outwardly (or truly ?) happy to be alone or who have no desire of deep/lasting connection. It just doesn't make sense to me - nothing wrong about how others make their choices certainly, but I cannot seem to understand some choices.... And perhaps those I cannot understand do not understand my thoughts too ? Be of good cheer friend, some of us stand beside you on this subject ! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

So what really is wrong? Can we name it, is apathy the new epidemic? Posted: 5/17/2006 12:20:50 AM
I think it is the overwhelming conditions in the current world climate that we cannot help but be aware of, and at the same time know without any doubt that we have no ability to affect or improve. For example - we are all affected by and concerned over the skyrocketing cost of fuels - but there is absolutely nothing we are able to do to make that situation better - so we have to bear whatever we feel because even if we stoop to complaining it will certainly be of no help. And the awareness of war and other injustices - sure, we could get into a group of some sort and go to rallies and the like - and there have been many of those already - and still things go on as they have been. Living in a condition of powerlessness, or worse - if a person tries to do what they know is right and gets somehow harassed for it - there is no proverbial 'way out'. Sure, if we are some sort of super achiever we could simply make alot of money and then not care about anyone else's misery, right ? Other than that sort of action, here we are, living in a world which must feel to many as going nuts - and with no way to 'step on the brakes'. As a result I believe the outward response is inevitably going to look and feel just like apathy. Though I am not authority or pro at this stuff, I think I remember reading an analysis someplace that stated clearly that a continued state of disempowerment almost always leads to an outward display of apathy. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

too much kissing and cuddling Posted: 5/16/2006 11:25:55 PM
Too much kissing and cuddling ? Unimaginable ! It is when there's too little (or very sadly - none) that it is time to really worry. I am certain many folks would love to be getting the attention you are getting these days ! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

State of world affairs vs. Affairs of single folks.... Posted: 5/14/2006 5:57:14 PM
Wow. What alot of great folks contributing to this humble discussion - Thanks ! TishaG, I think you are very right - I have also seen some of the younger folks acting in ways towards others (parents, teachers, strangers) that would simply NOT have happened when I was a kid - but then there is a LOT of stuff going on now that would never have been accepted when I was a kid; so either I am REALLY old, or the world has changed ALOT ! Bull Rhino - your depth and perception are really amazing, and you have a wonderful way with words - thanks for participating. No_telling2.....well, as usual you've got me pegged ! And you are right - at this exact point in my life I have a greater interest in individuals than the world at large, and yes, I have become more than a little indifferent to the world at large - but I see this as sort of a 'time out' for me because I was so concerned with it for so long that now it is just time for a break of sorts. And for the sake of clarity: I have worked mostly nights and alone, lived in a tiny rural town, and have had metaphysical outlook on life for many years now - BUT, I have previously been able to attract to myself now and again, a woman with shared interests. One big point of my query is that something appears to have changed, and I am wondering if it is part of the bigger picture (Thanks Bull Rhino), me, both - or D:) None of the above ??? Are there people, ANY people of like mind with you in my area ? Sure. Do they have meetings, parties or the like ? Nope. Used to be a Course in Miracles group or 3 in the area, but the folks in those just faded away a few years ago - and I even tried to re-start such a group to no avail.... Haha - if it was just a “mate” I was having trouble finding, I am sure it would be possible to just 'mate' with someone by simply emulating a 'normal' neanderthal....."Hey U, woman - comeeeyah, or I hit you on head with club, ug !!" Sadly, that jest ain't for me !! Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

State of world affairs vs. Affairs of single folks.... Posted: 5/13/2006 9:47:27 PM
Aurora - such a pleasant sounding name ! In response to your newsflash - I believe that for some that is also correct, and for others not so, and it is to this that I addressed my query. Your thoughts in response are just as welcome as the others, and I am curious to hear them, thank you. Perhaps now we may speculate as to ~why~ this seems to be true for some and not true for others, Aye ? Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

State of world affairs vs. Affairs of single folks.... Posted: 5/13/2006 7:11:51 PM
Hello TheTruthsayer. A fascinating reply, thank you. I am well familiar with my own thoughts, and have no doubt where I stand in relation to the question I proposed here - it is the thoughts of others such as yourself which I seek to become enlightened to. Your thoughts: "The condition of the world is, indeed, affecting how people to relate to each other. This will forever be as a defining rule. (unless you are no longer connected to the general "world") The folks in the blue lagoon should never have left. The world never touched them there." How true - would that I could be there instead - the simplicity of it appeals to me ! And: "If you think the world does not affect you; you should wake up just a bit." Awake ? No lack of that my friend ! Lastly: "I'm not a fan of "un-intentional"; though it happens to all of us. The "wildcard" in fate if you will." Very few know of intentional living, or conscious creation, but we all share just one biosphere, don't we ? One Universe, One Mind, One Life ! mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

State of world affairs vs. Affairs of single folks.... Posted: 5/13/2006 4:47:15 PM
Hi GrowedUP, and thanks for your reply and sharing your thoughts. I honestly do not know what to say in response to most of what you shared - but you asked: "...and are you turning into a recluse?" Not an easy question to answer ! Certainly I have seen my lumps and bumps in life, and have responded in my own way - but between working what most folks call 'odd hours' and working for and by myself - and as frosting on the cake, living in a tiny rural town with a tiny population - that could all be construed as unintentional reclusiveness, yes ? Aside of that, when I am around people I am friendly and always happy to start and enjoy a conversation whenever possible - so where does all that leave me on the scale between extrovert and complete hermit ? Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Verygreeneyez, you summed up alot of stuff very well ! Posted: 5/13/2006 4:39:37 PM
It is great to see folks like you sharing openly here ! And I salute you for the progress you have made as you described it. (I wanted to just email you my thoughts, but alas such an oldster as myself is not allowed, BooHoo !) And should anyone else take notice - you may wish to have a peek at this person's profile because it is very wise and really brings a few of the issues in this thread to light. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Great thread Sarah ! Posted: 5/13/2006 2:28:56 PM
And a great, BIG question ! I would have to answer 'yes, but' - and elaborate a bit... My parents were largely absent from my younger years due to my mother being long-term ill before passing on, and my father being an alcoholic/workaholic. After mom passed (yes, smoking kills LOTS of people), dad married another alcoholic and they started a new hobby of drug abuse along with beating children for amusement - add this to lots of loss through deaths and you get one very sad young man. BUT: Not one to sit still, the same young man worked very hard to clear the ghosts and the pain and succeeded - so here is the lasting effect of the icky youth: Growth. Determination to NOT be like those people. The ability to give and share affection and love. And other stuff - but you get the drift I suspect. Yes - our childhood shapes us - and too many people have suffered FAR too much abuse at the hands of relatives and others - but if we are fortunate enough to discover that we can forgive, and give ourself this gift, then we can find lasting peace and share it with others - a great thing in my opinion. Our parents and others taught us that we aren't safe and that it is especially unsafe to trust others - and we have to find that safety and trust in our own Hearts to move beyond that pain and suffering into a better life. It is my wish for all who have suffered such neglect and abuse that this is something that may be seen clearly and easily attained - possibly with the help of another person who encourages the needed safety for it to grow. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

State of world affairs vs. Affairs of single folks.... Posted: 5/12/2006 10:43:10 PM
A fascinating reply Jill. I am a firm believer in the power of consent and refusal, and choice as a great power in one's life - and at the same time I must also say that there are things to which choice does not apply - and that there are definitely things we do not have power over no matter what we choose. Your post seems to contradict itself a wee bit as well, because you have gone on to say that the condition of the world is affecting people's ability to get close to one another - or did I misunderstand the meaning of your words ? And what you said at the last is coincidentally very funny for me - I am always myself, and do not indulge in fakery for anyone - and their have been many people, both at the personal level and at the business level that cannot handle it and do not like me for it - but that does not change who I am or my choices (though I do time and again double check myself to be sure honesty is in action.). And I have no problem enjoying my own company - it is what I do the most - but there comes a time when one must face the simple fact that they are tired of being in their own company so much - what is true is true, that's all. I am primarilly a 'night person', and work alone - so if I do nothing about meeting new people I stay in my own company nearly 100%, and that is not OK, so I have to make some attempt at meeting people in order for it to happen at all - and there you do have the power of choices in action ! Be Well, and Happy ! mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

State of world affairs vs. Affairs of single folks.... Posted: 5/12/2006 6:52:33 PM
Hi. I have had this thought lately - and it makes sense to me. There is a very wise POF'er who says in her profile that there are many of us here that have been here too long - and she goes on to ruminate as to why - her words got me thinking.....the world is a mess, not only the planet itself, but relations between almost every country, and there is a great deal of fear, dislike and intolerance in this time, so much more than any other time in my lifetime that I can remember - and I believe this is somehow affecting the ability of people to enter into new relationships right now. Another part of my perspective is personal: Up till a year or so ago I was never at a loss for available companionship; Now it is so rare as to be freaky - and I don't think I have changed enough for this to be something I did or changed about myself. Does anyone here have any thoughts on all this to share ? Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

It sure would be helpful.... Posted: 5/7/2006 11:43:36 PM
If you folks could somehow add a control that helps northern folks like myself to specify that they only want to see search results from their own country. Whenever I search and put the mileage higher than 50 miles I get 100's of results from Canada - too many to go through to fine the lesser number of folks from my own country. Nothing against Canadians - they are fine folks, but I happen to not live in that country, and would prefer to meet folks from my own country, if possible. Thanks for listening. mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

no aim on that one ! Posted: 5/7/2006 11:22:20 PM
Suckafish wrote: "(by and by, im *guessing ya thought the 'veggie' analogy would 'get ta moi'?)" No Ma'am, it was just what came to mind, so I shared it. I will be glad if it did not offend you though. OK: "if ya eat zee body parts? ya aint no veggie" Then, if a person sucks in the smoke, then they ARE a smoker, by what you are saying, yes ? I guess it perplexes me that the site even offers that description. (As a sideways sort of comparison - how could a person be a part- time virgin ?)(Either they is, or they ain't, right ?) Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

It matters because... Posted: 5/7/2006 11:08:53 PM
Two reasons come right to mind: The first being that of honesty - not only to oneself but also to those who may be interested on sites like this one, and - because in a more personal way I am amazed by the sheer number of emails I have gotten just in the last few weeks from women that smoke or that say they smoke occasionally, and it has made me think about the whole thing and become curious, so I ask questions, and here I am... You wrote: "i take it that one whom smokes-EVER, is NOT one who would 'appeal' to you OP-no? so, what does it matter?" I will apologize in advance for sharing 'my stuff', but the root of my answer to you is simply that I cannot breathe smoke most of the time without an immediate reaction from my body ranging from a mild asthmatic response to triggering full blown bronchitis - so whether or not I 'like' it, or would want to be with a smoker is not really something I can impress upon my body when it gets ill from the stuff. I have a very old and dear friend who smokes, and I dearly wish we could just hang out together like we once did, but it is becoming more and more difficult to spend time together as a result of this, and it saddens me. I have no desire to strike out at folks that smoke - but instead to gain an understanding of how they categorize their choices, because I have never smoked, and have absolutely no clue about it from the inside... Does any of that make sense ? Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Smoking occasionally - is this like breathing occasionally ? Posted: 5/7/2006 10:57:13 PM
Thanks for answering my curiosity ! Now please be patient while I try to wrap my mind around this idea.... I am trying to make some kind of valid comparison - and what comes to me is the notion of vegetarianism - and the idea that maybe someone could call themselves a vegetarian even though they had a large meal of meats once a month - but abstained from it all the rest of the time...so does that sound right, that someone who did that would still be calling themselves a vegetarian, or does it sound more honest for someone who did that to say they are a careful omnivore instead ? Personally, if I were that person I would not feel comfortable saying I was a vegetarian, and would be hesitant to say that to others in a conversation or if I had to describe my eating on a web page someplace. But that's just the way I think, and people all have their own ways. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Smoking occasionally - is this like breathing occasionally ? Posted: 5/7/2006 10:45:32 PM
OK, so please don't be offended by my curiosity, OK ? I would like to ask you in response to your post - just for a very approximate guess at how often you find that you drink, and hence also smoke ? Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Smoking occasionally - is this like breathing occasionally ? Posted: 5/7/2006 10:37:42 PM
So....browsing women's profiles, one sees a great many who say they 'smoke occasionally'. What the heck does that -really- mean ? Do the ladies post that because they are afraid to either admit that they don't smoke because they might turn away a guy that smokes - or the opposite - that they do smoke daily and would turn away a guy that is a definite non-smoker ? Does it mean they pursue that habit only every other month ? Perhaps smoke like a chimney only during odd or even numbered months ? They have just one after a very depressing event, like maybe a funeral ? OR - when they are nervous, like on a meeting or a first date ? When ever I find myself having emails with a woman that posts this, it is a concern of mine to get her clarification on it right away, because if she does smoke more than maybe one a year, it will be a real problem and needs to be put right up front in the open IMO. But back to my querulous query -> I just can't picture this as being a valid measurement. In my POV, either a person is a smoker, or they are not, very much like the action of a light switch (no, not a dimmer !), either it is ON, or it is OFF. A person who smokes even highly irregularly is a smoker - just because it is perfectly fine in their mind and life to pick up one of those things, ignite it, and pull smoke into their body - just....like......any.....other......smoker ! By contrast, a person who maybe tried it once, and never again; or just doesn't consider it OK to do, and doesn't do it at all - is a non-smoker. This is not the same as having a glass of milk only now and then, or some wine once in a while - because it is not harmless enough to compare. OK, there is what I think - calling all flamers and smokers - it's open season on me - door's open, c'mon in - help yourself to the match books ! Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

'true' = VERY sneaky ! (also desperate for members...) Posted: 5/2/2006 3:01:00 PM
I saw a free offer for true.com and tried it. At first I was impressed by how active the site is, and amused by how it does really silly stuff without asking - like sending 'winks' to other folks from you which surprise both people... After the free trial was used up, I tried to quit, and was offered a whole month for free - and these jamokes have a $50/mo. fee - so I figured, what the hey....free is OK, why not....but now I know it was a BIG MISTAKE EVER JOINING THERE ! First, hidden someplace in the gobbledeegook is the agreement to a .99 charge for some service they offer which you must hunt down and nuke or they get to hit you for .99/mo endlessly.... Second - they make it impossible to quit ! There are all these places to click to quit that go around in circles and ultimately bring you to a page that says you are required to call them - after you are already half crazed with all the wasted steps ! Third - when you call them, they lecture you endlessly and keep you on the phone for as long as possible in hopes you will give up and submit to billing instead.... Last - after all this, they DO NOT remove your 'profile', and send you no confirmation that you will not be billed. My advice: Avoid these nasty folks completely - it is just not worth even visiting their site. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 133 (view)

Smokers: Would you quit smoking for your dreamboat? Posted: 4/28/2006 12:02:37 PM
I just thought of something pertinent that I have heard entirely too many times.... Vehement addicts will often proclaim that 'if so and so truly loved me then he/she wouldn't care if I (name addiction here).' This is nonsense - and especially as it pertains to addictions that directly threaten the lives of other people that are exposed; as in the case of non-smokers that die of cancer from 2nd hand smoke; a very populated group indeed. Further - a person who cannot make a permanent commitment to their own continuing health and the health of those that are nearest and dearest to them is also unable to commit fully to a relationship. I expect I will get flamed right off the earth on this one, so I will add: I don't claim to be perfect - but there is nothing in my life that could cause someone to get sick and die simply by keeping company with me on a regular basis. (My daily cup of coffee might kill me, but the fumes cannot harm any other person.) Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

online dating Posted: 4/24/2006 10:16:56 PM
Hmmmm.....there are those of us who will not enter a bar or pub; those of us that work nights; and many other things that keep folks in a lonely state - especially once they are older and have smaller social circles. My addition to this thread was not about looks at all, as I suspect (and he confirmed) that the OP's post wasn't. My post was about simple honesty. A question: What good can it possibly be to misrepresent oneself at such a place if the people that are met are blown away by the sheer differences between what was written and what is seen ? Honesty is simply the best policy - and self honesty is the most important thing a person can have. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

online dating Posted: 4/24/2006 6:20:46 PM
Please consider this for a second or 2: There are a great many women on these personals sites that post in their 'profile' that they have an 'average' body type. As long as they have more than a headshot it is easy to tell what they mean - but many people just have a headshot or even just a face shot. Now - when I think 'average', I think that if I passed this person on the street or something that they would be sort of vaguely like alot of other people - not itty bitty, and not gigantic - is that fair enough ? OK, so I have met a few people from here that either had no pics or a head shot only - and I gotta tell you, my first response upon seeing them was: Average ? AVERAGE FOR WHAT ??? (I won't share the rest of the thought, sorry !) If someone looks from the neck down more like the Michelin Man, ripples included, than the 'average' person - then using that 'average' tag is just plain dishonest (unless they honestly think most other people are also their size - and I don't see how this can be...). So - I am not a 'Ken doll', and I am not seeking a 'Barbie' either, but for crying out loud - if someone is 2x what passes for average it seems very unfair to other people to be dishonest about it. OP: I'm not certain if what you were trying to say is similar to what I said, but I suspect you were trying to say you'd been misled as I have been... am I close at all ?? Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 54 (view)

for some, options are severely limited. Posted: 4/22/2006 3:38:09 PM
OP, Smokers and Non-smokers: There are folks like myself that must face the immediate risk of ill health if they allow themselves to be exposed to smoke and other irritating air pollutants. It is amusing to see all the hard-nosed folks sneering at each other over this topic, and really - if a smoker NEEDS to smoke, then a smoker they are to be - their choice. On the other hand - love vs. breathing is a choice some must make, and I have had to make this choice myself in the past - and it is not a choice I enjoy making. A possibly foolish thought to share: Say a couple gets together, and they both smoke. Perhaps later on he finds out medically that he must quit, and he does. It is safe to assume that if his mate continues to smoke some hard choices are likely to surface sooner or later. My response to my own query - wouldn't this whole type of thing be better if it never became an issue ? Several emotional responses to the smoking issue come to mind: Having lost a great deal of family as a child to smoking it is very easy for me to fear loss this way as an adult. Also, I have a wonderful friend of many years that is a diehard smoker - and though we are very fond of each other, visits are few and far between because I can only tolerate the smoke once in a great while without becoming ill - and this is a sad thing. Best Wishes to All, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

It's kind of like a bad dream sometimes.... Posted: 4/3/2006 5:01:08 PM
So, As the OP said: "I live my life on a stable and even tempered lifestyle.", and as another person said - you have to be true to yourself. OK, so moving right along...you finds yourself in situations with people who tell you that you are TOO good - and one must infer from this that they must mean you are too good for them !!! ACK ! I have experienced this, and it is a heart-tearing thing. There does not appear to be any cure for it though - because if one decides instead to be less of a person in order to 'fit in', then that opens the door for all manner of other unhappy things to enter one's life - and it starts with not being happy with who we are anymore - and above all we must be able to live with our very own self ! So as was stated by another here - just be true to yourself and be as happy as you may, while holding your own faith that you will find the right person by BEING the right person ! Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Would you date a woman with 2 kids?? Posted: 3/19/2006 8:56:42 PM
I am a poor one to answer because I am older Jenn, but that is no problem to me. With younger guys though, they probably don't want the responsibility and most likely do feel they will end up being the 2nd daddy. It is a shame though, because so many really fine young women are also single moms and can truly appreciate a man that cares for them as well as youngsters. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Are you ready ? Posted: 3/19/2006 4:20:08 PM
~Juggernaut~, here you go: "So the question is are you ready ? I mean really ready ?" Absolutely. "have you put your past aside enough to deal with the opportunity of a relationship with someone ?" As completely as humanly possible, yes. "how many fishing poles do you really have dangling off the side of your boat ?" Not certain what this means - how many people am I dating ? None at all. "When is enough really enough ?" Enough of what ~Juggernaut~ ? If I guess correctly, 'enough' is when the woman and I meet, and feel right together, and find we can get along happilly - oversimplified - but perfection as such is not a quality actually found in this world so we have to make it for ourselves, within ourselves... "Wouldn't it be nice to just finally pull up your lines go to the shore start a nice fire and just cook it up ." A rather crass analogy, as I have no desire to cook my mate !!! If what you mean is the notion of just grabbing ANY available woman and starting a life with her, like maybe just anybody on the street - no way. Sorry, not for me. "Imagine the possibilities of not wasting yet another year trolling for that perfect catch." I would LOVE to be done with my single time - but not if it means ultimately sacrificing happiness and real togetherness ! " Isn't it about time to just start living ?" I am already living, thank you, and I look forward to living together when that time comes - but not as a default - this is the single most important decision any adult makes, and it demands proper attention and care. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 53 (view)

Men get intimidated...need honest answers. Posted: 3/19/2006 4:09:58 PM
In a single word - nope. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 164 (view)

men, this ones for you... what would you do if you met a woman who....... Posted: 3/12/2006 9:11:55 PM
Frangal - how's this for a reply - a variation of this happened to me. And I was fine with the whole money thing - though she did make fun of me because I made less than she did. We got on well - she thought it was great that I'd get there before she was done work and cook the dinner while we hing out together - the extra help with the house, child and dog was also appreciated. Physically we were compatible and got on well that way too. So - what happened ? I found out she was a drug abuser - and it was a taboo subject - and rather than deal with it - I got dumped in a hurry. Seems it was easier to dump me than to face the drug abuse problem. So - was there a security issue over her somehow being 'better off' ? No. I have all I need - did then, and do now - that's not what I am about. Some of us guys really ARE looking for companionship, and actually want a loving relationship more than anyhing else. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 62 (view)

That is soooo cool !!! Posted: 3/12/2006 7:45:27 PM
I think her and I will get along just fine. Thnaks for the feedback everyone. How wonderful is that !!?? All the bashers and flamers and naysayers had a swat at you, and you stayed cool and calm and it all worked out fine for you - congrats !!! Now - after all is said and done - as soon as you can, it is likely that it would be another really good thing to get your own place - just in case your child might get a wee bit confused by having mommy as well as daddy's GF around...but here again, if all of you get along - I think more love for a child is always better than less, and that having an honorary extra parent or so is great too ! As a side note, I think all the bashers and flamers as well as anyone may wish to have a look at the The Heinlein Society Educational Outreach page, where one good bit of their philosophy is stated: Promote and demonstrate the Heinleinian personal values of dignity, freedom, open-mindedness, courage, lifelong learning, personal responsibility, self-reliance, courtesy, helpfulness, and respect for others. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

the text vs. the person..... Posted: 3/10/2006 7:24:55 PM
This is not the easiest question I have tried to put in type... It sort of boils down to - how do other folks here feel that someone's profile ought to reveal what the person is really like, and - if it is written in words that make a strong statement - how seriously is it to be taken as a reflection of the 'true person' ? Here I am, having been a user here on and off for a while now, and I have read quite a few profiles of all kinds - funny ones, sincere sounding ones, smartass ones, sex-centered ones, and on and on. I would like to believe that most people are trying to be truthful while also trying to make the best impression on other people - and that may be my weak spot in all this... For example: When I find myself reading a profile of someone that shouts about how great this person is, and how hard anyone else must work to make their 'grade', I am just not impressed at all, it does not seem credible to me. Others that speak of wanting to be with the 'right one' and how it is their chosen way to share and share alike - the ones that emphasize the writer's human qualities - those impress me very much. And headlines - I have an all-time favorite headline that I saw here. It does not make me want to meet the writer - quite the opposite, but it is quite funny, it says: "Hold my beer while I kiss your boyfriend" This says some things to me about it's writer - things about trust and relational desires (if any) that I simply do not value. I am curious about contrast here - are there some folks that think that headline is 'just funny' - or that it is 'only words' and not to be taken seriously - or.....what ? Speaking only for myself - I have done all I can to be honest and to express clearly who I am as well as who I'd like to meet. Do folks here think that is what a profile is for, or is a profile simply here to 'set the hook' and as such it doesn't really matter if it is full of exagerations and lies ? OK, that's a few questions, and hopefully not too confusing ! Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Most Important Emotional Quality Posted: 3/10/2006 10:02:16 AM
Irishguy, I don't think there is one word for what I am thinking - but the feeling of it is one thing - whereas the description is more than one thing. There is an emotional quality that contains affection/trust/connection - and it seems to be what most people call love - but perhaps there are degrees of it ? It's funny - I know what it is - but I don't know exact words for it !! Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

significant other, bf/gf, partner...what DO you call them? Posted: 3/9/2006 8:49:46 PM
Seahawke has said it very well - Bravo ! My 2 cents to add: As long as it is true, and kind, and allows whomever you speak with to see that you folks love each other - it's all good. One couple I know that has great strength quite literally refer to each other using only their shared last name - and they are amazing people - and for them this works - so do whatever brings the greatest happiness, I say !! Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

you have chatted on the phone after meeting online and hit it off totally....a kindred spirit Posted: 3/9/2006 8:44:51 PM
I have decided to avoid the phone, and always avoid long email connections in this whole thing for that very reason - too much assumed familiarity without any real connection until the actual meeting in person. Even if 2 people find each other physically irresistable, sometimes all it takes is for them to talk a while in person for it to become clear that they cannot get close. My 2 cents: Read the info available carefully, ask questions, pay attention to the replies, and as long as things are looking good by then - meet, in person, without further delay. If one doesn't want to, fine - continue emailing if you want, but seek other company that is serious about actually meeting. If we aren't doing this to actually meet, then folks need to be REALLY CLEAR about that - otherwise it is just little kiddy games. And to the inevitable flamers: I do NOT mean that folks should be stupid, or throw all care and caution to the wind - but electronic communication has severe limits, and either we are in this for meeting, or we are not. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

any big hearted folks still left???.....cause im blind Posted: 3/9/2006 8:31:38 PM
Sally, This first thing you mention is valuable beyond anything: at least--there is one other human who i trust....and a fam i got.... I would suggest you try to always appreciate them, at least inside yourself. Then you asked: do folks really look into the mirror in the morning and believe its okay to go on..w/ what they did the day before?.. If what you mean is 'bad' folks, yes, of course - and guess what - when it comes to 'good' folks - they do too, only difference is usually they question themselves because it is to some degree important to them to be certain they are 'doing right' according to the values they hold dear. It is up to you to decide which you choose to be, and hold on to that - while remembering to allow others to make their own choices and to respect theirs - even if you cannot bear to be near them - their path is theirs to choose as well. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Dating a younger lady Posted: 3/9/2006 7:34:45 PM
Most of all - out of respect for her, be truthful with her - and she must make her own decision. If she decides to move on, respect her choice peacefully. If she decides to stick around, remember birth control only works if it is used....and it is important to talk about it - because it's a baby, NOT and 'accident' !! Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

any big hearted folks still left???.....cause im blind Posted: 3/9/2006 7:30:05 PM
Mustangsally, Folks who truly mean well are usually not very visible because they prefer not to be. As far as those that disappear when you need them - that is the mark of 2 things - folks that aren't true friends, and folks that lack understanding or the desire to understand. What you said is true enough - and there are lots of folks who are ONLY self centered, as well as lots that get off on kicking folks when they are down - and the worst of it is that these are the ones that always stick out the most because that is how they operate. You don't have to be that way though, and you don't have to weaken thinking that those folks know something you don't know. Truth is, they may know something - how to be cold, Heartless and hard. If I understand your post correctly, you really don't want to be like that, do you ? One thing nobody ever explains that I found to be true is that just after 20 is a really difficult time to get through - you have all these 'adult' demands upon you, usually very little support, and it seems endless and hopeless - does this make sense ? Neither is true - life does get better - you have to hold on, gain whatever skills you can, learn as much as you can, and just get through the best you are able while most of all: Be true to yourself !! It sucks when we see how alone we can be - but once we get through it we are stronger. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 57 (view)

Would you date a single mother that does not have custody? Posted: 3/7/2006 8:40:59 PM
Yes - assuming there was nothing seriously amiss otherwise. Best Wishes, mark

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

Can a true nice guy get a chance? Posted: 3/6/2006 8:36:36 PM
Lordazazel, that is truly harsh, and I hope you find better as time passes. I think there may be some good evidence to support your assertions on a general scale - but I still also think there are many good women and that they are much harder to find simply because they aren't as likely to put themselves 'out there'. I don't know if the largest part of your experience has been with women met online either - but I suspect that a great many of the gentler, really honest women tend to be somewhat disinclined to post their info online. Given how many times I have honestly shared about my experiences, and been cut off verbally at the knees for it, mostly by women - called a liar and a cheat and whatever else by folks that don't know me and never will, I think that there are a great many women online that have had a bad time of it, and think they have to be meanies because all the men must have been meanies to them at some point ! The other thing I have noticed is that in the 3 years I have been watching these sites on and off - the faces posted tend to be the same ones over and over again - so perhaps many people get bitter and angry when they stay alone when there are still clearly so many available people... None of this is any excuse for treating anyone poorly though. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

what to do with a 47 year old man? Posted: 3/6/2006 8:12:40 PM
I didn't think of this before - but the happiest, most successful couple I know presently is a man over 50 and a woman of about 36 - they are a beautiful, delightful couple, and a wonderful influence on anyone who is around them ! I would tell you their exact ages, but it was a while ago they told me and frankly I would be embarassed to ask them again for this - but they are 16 or 17 years apart, and he is very young looking to me, I was quite shocked when he told me hes was more than a decade older than I thought he was.....so the idea is not only possible, but can work very well ! Those 2 have been together now for like 7 years. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

wow indeed. Posted: 3/6/2006 7:58:44 PM
I am surprised that distrust reigns over the value of active fatherhood here. Something to add to what I posted previously: I had the chance to visit with a thoroughly lovely woman that I met via POF today, and she actually brought up your thread - and made a very valuable point - she said: 'Historically speaking, when folks once loved each other, if there is any sort of emergency or catastrophic event (illness, injury, loss...), they will tend to pull together again.' She is absolutely right, and I can see this as a concern for any potential woman in your life. My reply to her was thus: If she is a good Hearted woman, and truly also cares, then she will have the strength and patience to very clearly tell him that for their relationship to move forward, he has to facilitate that by moving out somehow. Beyond that point, who knows - but I think that would be a fair way to respond and handle such a delicate situation. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

most importantly... Posted: 3/6/2006 8:53:17 AM
DO IT WITHOUT DELAY !!! The danger is always worse than you can know. Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Torn between 2 guys?!?? Posted: 3/6/2006 7:30:19 AM
Your daughter's biological father is a classic abuser - and obviously neglectful as well. He is incapable of being a good mate or a good father. (He also sounds like either an alcoholic or a 'dry drunk'.) What he did in the elevator should, if it hasn't already, bring you to the point of being able to honestly say that you fear him. There are organizations everywhere to help women that are afraid of men. You simply tell the correct people that you fear him, and why - and it's bye-bye time. It is time to restrain him from the home, and get a fresh start. He has no right to threaten you or to take the child from you. And: He obviously doesn't deserve you. (Bear in mind that it is a man who is writing this.) Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

I need some Advice on this one Posted: 3/5/2006 7:55:04 PM
Letting go of the past is great stuff, and deserves attention ASAP - heavy emphasis on the 'as possible' part. Jessie - what I suggested is a matter of perspective - and if you notice I did not mention a single word you wrote for the whole world to see. I suggest that if you are uncomfortable with what you wrote, then it is your right to change it - but your profile does add perspective to the experience of reading what you wrote - and speaking for myself - anytime there is a poster who contributes powerful advice of any kind, I am certain to view their profile to get a clue where they are coming from in their posts. Don't you also do this ? Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Dear readers.... Posted: 3/5/2006 7:26:43 PM
Not to be a 'troll' or a meanie or a flamer or whatever - BUT - I do think that if readers/posters haven't done so already - it is perspective enhancing to take a minute and read Jesiebunnies profile - especially the title and what is said on the subjects of marriage and sex.... Best Wishes, mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

I need some Advice on this one Posted: 3/5/2006 6:38:24 PM
What a confusing message Jesiebunnies! Sometimes things just work out in whatever way they do - and sometimes folks do share living accomodations for a while because it helps....so what ? It is hard enough to make a living in this silly world, and even if you are still roomates when your child is 10 years old all that did is allow that one child to see that mom and dad, though neither married, nor involved as a couple are VERY civilized folks, and that it is possible for folks to stay near one another even if their relational goals didn't work out. That is VERY, VERY COOL ! Woodrow, I repeat - if someone tells you that your living situation, financial standing, or relationship with your child is a barrier to having a relationship with THEM, then it is clearly time to wish them well and seek elsewhere. There are many, many women that will admire you for 'sticking around' and being a good dad for your child because it says really great things about how you could treat them in the future. Stay the course, I say - and to the naysayers I say: NAY ! mark*

smallhagrid

Joined: 9/24/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

Can a true nice guy get a chance? Posted: 3/5/2006 6:27:29 PM
Urban_cowboy, You gotta be really careful here - I asked a very similar question and one of the Gods.....ooops....mods dubbed it a 'nice guy' thread and locked it ! I guess folks are highly encouraged to be real, genuine flamers here - oh yeah - while that is in mind - it seems to be a tradition here at POF for folks to cut other folks down and say really rotten things about them, and then the Gods step in and delete your post or thread with no warning or explanation - and there's not even any way of finding out what happened. Having said all that though - don't take it personally - mainly because the folks here cannot actually know you - and this leads to where I've been going with all this - I believe your question is truly aimed at the nature of internet dating as a whole rather than just here at POF - and here is my overview, based upon my experiences: 1 - Short attention spans RULE ! It is very normal to exchange a few emails, sometimes starting with those amazing messages you sometimes get that sound like the sender is going to just hop in the car and come shake your hand right now (!!), moving into the very lukewarm range by 2nd or 3rd, and there may not even be a 4th email - POOF!, gone, no explanation - and sometimes they will even block you even though you have been only polite and nice - again, it's not personal.. 2 - There are LOTS less women in most dating sites than men per state/area. This means lots of things - like sometimes the women are drowning in emails because the ratio is like 10 or 100 or 1000:1, so they freak out; or they ONLY respond to guys that meet a certain criteria when they get lots of emails - like only the guys with certain incomes or whatever - but this also explains why it is possible to email women and get no responses at all....and it happens alot. 3 - A great many women are from cities with lots of wackos, and too many seem to have had really bad experiences in the dating thing - so the guys that are nice, as a rule, end up paying for this sad fact. How CAN there be nice guys when folks have had so many bad experiences ? Yes, you exist - but the hard-Hearted ones will assume you are a fake trying to lure them in - there is no cure for this - just be nice all the time anyways. As long as you know you are sharing your truth, it doesn't matter if someone else doubts you - just be true to yourself, and let others live within their own truths, no matter what they may be. 4 - The pot often calls the kettle black. An ancient cliche - but consider this: In our world it has been held as a sacred truth for way too long that men are sex fiends and women are angels/victims. A person that holds that as true is going to be almost impossible to talk with. The real story is that there are as many women that have overpowering sex drives as men - but it is not OK for them to be open about it because they get labeled with horrible names and spurned in society - so as a result there are women that have sex on their minds ALOT and expect their male counterparts to be exactly the same - therefore you MUST be a sex fiend !!! 5 - Vitriolic or caustic responses are the norm. People attach their own emotions (whatever they are....) to whatever they see written by other people and respond with all the pain and hurt that is hiding inside them. Once again - this is not personal, except for the individual poster, and it is my advice to you NOT to take emails or posts that cut you down in a personal manner at all - again, these people CANNOT know you. If, on the other hand, you get past the email stage and actually meet someone - then the opinions and likes/dislikes become very real and they really matter alot more when you are face to face and really trying to 'get it together' - and in that situation my advice is to take the other person's thoughts and responses very seriously indeed ! Best Wishes, mark*

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