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Thread: Being committed to the relationship

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Being committed to the relationship Posted: 11/21/2009 10:46:43 AM
Outside looking in, it was pretty obvious that she was not into the relationship at all and maybe at the end of it all, you were a back up plan. The only thing I can add to what has already been said is that the main issue here is not so her being on dating sites etc...and whether that is a sign of good faith etc. The issue I think lies with you. I am sure there are other things she did that showed she was not committed that you did not mention or didn't see. Why did you put yourself through that? If I was you, I would've jetted a long time ago because the feelings weren't obviously reciprocated, but you chose to ignore those signs and stay. You need to take this as a learning lesson that in order to be in a healthy relationship, both people need to make the same effort and if not, you need to leave and find someone that will treat you as well you treat them.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 34 (view)

Is a person cheating if the are 'seeing someone yet maintain a open profile Posted: 11/19/2009 5:01:41 PM
It's not cheating and I think you need to relax. My gf and I are very serious and she has an open profile on POF. Do I mind? The other night we got into a fight (it was my fault) and she was on POF and was just looking around. She told me the next day she logged in etc. She gets at least 10 emails a day but she never responds to any of them and actually never logs into her account but it's open. Her excuse is she's had this account for years anyways so whatever. Does it bother me? No. There are bigger things to worry in life than this like making our relationship grow etc in real life. Also, OP you spelled visible wrong on his profile.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Interracial dating & single parents Posted: 7/6/2009 3:00:28 PM
I think the OP, you are overthinking the entire situation. You haven't even mentioned the issue of love yet let alone even trying to date this person. I don't in this time and age, it is an issue and if you both come from loving families, it will not be an issue at all. All I can say is go for it if you feel this is something that can last. I'm curious to why you only attract single mothers though, care to elaborate on their reasons why? or have you even asked or just overanalyze it in your head. lol just bugging.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

why is it Posted: 6/16/2009 5:00:18 PM
tbh with you i think im just gonna stop bothering now. Great attitude. jk. As long as you at least bang them first, you are a-okay in my book.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

confused broken heart need serious advice Posted: 6/16/2009 4:02:49 PM
I seriously don't understand why people here are saying he should try to contact her. The girl doesn't need crap like that and shouldn't have taken it for so long. He f*cked up many times and he hasn't even changed, he just wants her back and then what? This is why people need to be alone by themselves first and fix whatever problems they have before they even attempt to screw another person's life with their baggage.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

So I met this girl... Posted: 6/16/2009 2:57:52 PM
I would agree with the other people here. Run for the border my man. Personally, I've been in this situation before. You've never met anyone like this before who is such this emotional rollercoaster. I think you are living for the drama secretly and maybe the fact that you want to save her also strokes your ego. In reality, what bond do you have right now with her? Relationships are a 2 way street and all I see is she's telling you all the bullshit she's having with her life. You are trying to support her but what is she doing for you? Seriously think about that. If I were you, I would not contact her, wait it out but do not, I repeat do not bail her out of her situation. If you do, then she can end up depending on you and do you want that? eg. Hey, i have no where to live, can I stay at your house...or I'm broke. etc. These are all realistic scenarios from what I am hearing of her situation. You sound like a nice guy, just realize that if you do pursue something long term, it will be a long long long tough road dude and be prepared to put your foot down and stand firm or else you will be sucked into the tornado of her life and spit out. But if you just want to bang her then you should be okay short term. Do something as simple as write a advantage/disadvantage list about her or even the "relationship". and her comment She told me that she was technically still dating the ex, but only until she got her stuff back from his house. speaks volumes about what kind of f*cked up relationship you could have with her.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Cheating or not? Posted: 6/16/2009 2:48:22 PM
one word. Denial. He is cheating on you. If not for your sake, do you want a father like that raising your child?

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

confused broken heart need serious advice Posted: 6/16/2009 1:35:44 PM
oh and the ladies here that sympathetic to him, your hearts are in the right place, but you're way too nice. =\ Kick this fool to the curb.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Join me, in the effort to find those Genuine... Are you with me? Posted: 6/16/2009 1:16:34 PM
I think I know which side you want, you just don't have alot of faith in it at this current state in time. I can only speak from my own experience. The majority of the girls I've dated long term have been amazing, wonderful, and loyal women. Being a "nice guy" is an awesome attribute to have, the only thing I would add to it is that you need to set your boundaries and know when to cut loose. A common thread of "nice guy/girl" is that they would do anything for this person and they always get burned. Being a man or woman, if the other person thinks you would do anything for them just because they are dating you, then it defeats the purpose of making that person feel special if you catch my drift. It just shows them that you would do this for ANYONE that showed any interest in you. I've been on both sides of the coin. That other person also needs to gain your approval too...that's where the mutual trust and respect come into play and starts to build. At that point, because it's already established, then you can say with reckless abandon you will do anything for them and vice versa. Reality is one person will give up more than the other in the beginning of the relationship. Also, if you are feeling it's not being reciprocated, then you also need to have the self-esteem and worth to cut the ties or tell them you are not getting respected. What you bringinto relationships your selfworth is just as important as what you give out in your relationships your self-sacrifice. It's that fine balance, and if it's not balanced then you're called an a*hole or a door mat depending on which side you weigh heavier on. Does that even make sense? lol. I might have a delusional view on relationships as this is only my experience so feel free to critique or tell me I'm fcked up and need more counselling.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

confused broken heart need serious advice Posted: 6/16/2009 12:21:08 PM
To be brutally honest. You need serious professional help and I am relieved that at the end of your story, she left you. Good for her. She doesn't need to be with a person like that. Maybe she has dated nut jobs like you her whole life and I'm glad she is breaking the pattern and gets help for herself because if I was her, I would've left your ass after the 1st time or 2nd time. If you really love and care for her, leave her the hell alone, which you haven't because you're selfish and insecure. You've already broken her trust many times with your fake promises. MAN UP to what you did and don't use her to fill your own insecurities. You need to be alone for awhile dude, and figure yourself out. And she needs to stop picking losers like you. Seriously. Stop playing the victim, cause you're not. You're an ass. You kicked her outta your car, wtf dude and then cry cause you love her so much you booted her outta your car. I could see the scenario playing out "Baby, I booted you outta my car cause you mean da world to me baby girl, cough, here's a bus ticket..next bus is at 4:30pm, see I'm thoughtful babe." "Baby, I cursed you out, cause you know I love you sooo much you.... bitch!" "Baby, please take me back, I promise to be a better ahole to you". The even sadder part is conner-18 who is only 18!!! is giving you sage advice as he even knows you're an idiot for ruining what was a great thing. The even more sadder part is you haven't even given us any steps on what you are going to do to change...and make yourself right for her which leads me to believe you're not going to change. Be a man and grow some balls and stop using your past to treat her like shit. It's just a pussy move to do. I suspect this girl has low self-esteem and thanks to you, probably will continue to. Truth hurts but I don't sugarcoat otherwise people don't learn.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Join me, in the effort to find those Genuine... Are you with me? Posted: 6/16/2009 12:13:47 PM
It is alive, you just have to find people who are like you that's all. Some people nowadays just like to bang and there is nothing wrong with that. And some like meaningful relationships etc. I really don't see the point of your thread though. If anything, the media has brought out these issues to the forefront. Don't tell me in the 50's or 60's or even the beginning of time there wasn't adultery or cheating. It is part of the human condition. One side of the population is in into instant gratification and other side is into lifelong monogamous relationships. Choose your side and move on.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

why cant we have the thing that we want the most Posted: 6/16/2009 12:08:38 PM
Cause you are going after the wrong person. Get some self-esteem and lose the self-pity dude.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

why is it Posted: 6/16/2009 12:04:22 PM
Here's another angle to look at it. By you doing anything they want, you are effectively not making them feel special. Does that make sense? Put it this way, if I started dating a girl and she would do anything for me anytime etc...without me not even trying. How is that going to make me feel special? It just shows me you would do this for ANYONE...... Now if you set boundaries and tell me to shut it if I ask for something unreasonable, then reality kicks in and I know that I need to also earn your love/appreciation too. That is where trust and respect come into play. It's a 2 way street. Once that is established, then you can start doing all the I will do anything for you shit. Just my opinion from my own experiences so far.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 225 (view)

Nice guys finish last is a sad truth... Posted: 6/16/2009 8:16:15 AM
Good article DenMorg!

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 223 (view)

Nice guys finish last is a sad truth... Posted: 6/16/2009 7:05:09 AM
Sad to say, but seemingly the man who cares the least gets the attentions. Crawl up their butts, treat them like princesses, give them everything they SAY they want, and you lose their respect. You think that's what you're supposed to do, but it only makes you weak in their eyes and you get a one way ticket to doormatville. You're smothering and overbearing, and suddenly you are taking up 'their' space.. If you are assertive, maybe less sensitive, strong and independant, and don't cater to their every need, they suddenly become riddled with all kinds of dissatisfactions, become resentful, and then they blame you for making them cheat on you. You weren't romantic enough, you weren't there to listen to them blather on about katie somethingorother who's mom stubbed her toe and fell into a refridgerator while texting to her brother's sister's cousin... Personally, I think you are going after the wrongs girls. Instead of blaming the girls, you need to look at your pattern and figure out how to break out of falling for these girls. The girls you described sound like crazy b*tches, or have massive amounts of baggage. I would've been gone a long long long time ago.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

Why do guys stand us up? Posted: 6/15/2009 10:46:01 PM
Or he could be playing the field. You probably aren't the only only one he is macking on.....most likely by his behavior, and maybe he just got involved with one and he's also married so little time to do much.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

ready to call it quits on POF Posted: 6/15/2009 8:24:00 PM
remove the 3rd picture. You look like you're disgusted by something. =[] Otherwise, nice pictures and profile.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 217 (view)

Nice guys finish last is a sad truth... Posted: 6/15/2009 1:27:39 PM
totalizeme My motives are purely selfish here, but looking back at that relationship, did you see it coming or you did kinda see but chose to compromise a lot of her needs over yours? Were you just too nice? What did your gut instinct tell you?

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

Need help with this one... Posted: 6/15/2009 12:05:09 PM
I agree with everything that has been said. The only thing I can add to this is, is that to be candid I get a sense of "distorted reality" with you. Like other poster's said, you've had two mediocre dates with her and you want to "save" this girl? Seriously? To me, she doesn't sound interested. At first maybe, but she's not anymore by the way she is NOT responding to you. Take it with a grain of salt, and ask yourself why do you pursue girls that give you "no" signals? It's as simple as this. Each time you have initiated the contact with each other .. because "you felt or knew in your heart you should call her". If she was even remotely interested in you, she would call you up and just talk. Relationships are a 2 way street and clearly this is one way. It makes you look needy and insecure, and by the way you describe her current state, that's the last thing she needs to recover. I would just leave it that and move on. If she contacts you, then see where it goes, and ask her honestly what her expectations are, otherwise just move on and take this as a learning lesson and learn to trust your gut instinct more often and not your insecurities. It is usually never wrong.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

How badly do you want to be in love? Posted: 6/15/2009 8:33:29 AM
Because for me, I've always thought about what it would be, finding that perfect love etc. In reality, when you meet that person, it's not like you will have this pre-determined checklist to say, k yup, yup yup, 30 ouf 30 points correct. You are it baby! I approached my previous relationships like this and it did not help, trust me. The only thing that makes your regular relationship and the "one" relationship is that you just know. Trust your gut instinct.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

How badly do you want to be in love? Posted: 6/15/2009 8:22:46 AM
This will be an endless thread. Everyone's definition of it is different and I myself have tried putting it into words many many times in the past. You will know it when you meet that special person. You will feel it and you will just know. Ask people who are in love and they will tell you the same. They just know.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 1136 (view)

Ever feel like your going to be alone forever? Posted: 6/15/2009 8:19:06 AM
Dallas: Excellent point about the fact that there are so many more married people out there who are miserable hence the 60-70% divorce rate. At the end of the day, they are back at being single and years have gone by. I was recently engaged and I broke it off because I know I wasn't at the place I needed to be whereas my fiancee was 100% ready. That wouldn't have been fair to her and fair to me. All my friends are happily married or in the process of, but I had to do what I needed to do. My destiny is my own and I have to be accountable for it. I am alone now but I am finding it to be a relief right now.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Does a man with a complicated personality threaten a woman's ego? Posted: 6/15/2009 7:23:19 AM
Here is the reality. You are definitely unique...just like everyone else.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Breaking patterns Posted: 6/15/2009 6:43:26 AM
I also have a pattern too. I think you just need to be alone, go to therapy. Biggest thing is go TRAVEL alone somewhere, write a journal. And find yourself first.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 213 (view)

Nice guys finish last is a sad truth... Posted: 6/15/2009 6:39:44 AM
DallasFan. Be careful of this generalization of life based upon your experience as a night club bouncer. Remember, you are at a nightclub. No one there is looking for a long term relationship. Everyone just wants to bang and definitely, if you want to get laid, you gotta go in there aggressive. It's only natural. On the other hand, being a "nice guy" has it's faults too. Being a complete *hole also has it's faults too. I've seen buddies who are complete holes to their gf's...but you know what? Those gf's who take it are crazy ***es themselves for taking it. No offence. I've also been a liar and a cheater and a nice guy. I've been all of stuff. What I've learned in life is just be yourself and you will find the right person eventually.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 1134 (view)

Ever feel like your going to be alone forever? Posted: 6/15/2009 6:22:53 AM
To add my 2 cents into it. I have been afraid of being single forever and ever. To be honest, I've never been single for longer than 2-3 months since I was 16. I've always been in relationships. The problem in it is that because I had this fear, I've always depended on my relationships to complete me and not the other way around. I am actually finally going into therapy for this. I've ruined all of my relationships because of this. So yeah, to the people who are happy just being alone. Kudos to you!

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

No Luck Posted: 6/13/2009 8:39:08 PM
Well, it's actually a good thing. The girl that chooses that lets herself get used up emotionally and phyically by a jerk is also crazy herself to get herself in that situation in the first place. So you wouldn't want that anyways. =) Not sure what advice to give you guys except just get out there.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

How do you stop missing your ex because it's so hard... Posted: 6/13/2009 8:18:50 PM
Another thing you can do is try writing into a journal. For some people, it's a way of unloading these feelings and unloading these emotions. Another thing you can do is also take this time to rebuild yourself. At this point, you feel like in order for you to exist, that person has to be in your life. But you know what, invest in yourself, step back and find out things you enjoy doing, hobbies, anything. Even take a step out and travel alone to find yourself again. once you do that, you can move on but right now you are depending on someone else for your happiness.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

Are women just busier than guys? Posted: 6/13/2009 6:26:06 PM
I think you need to do 2 things. Smile in your pictures, you look really gloomy. And your profile doesn't really excite a girl to want to get to know you, so the 4 that have replied probably decided on second thought no. I know that is harsh, but you seem like a really nice guy, just sound more confident.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 46 (view)

»» The Temptation of the Happily Married Man Posted: 6/13/2009 3:29:10 PM
Dude, you should be divorced. This is the very reason why there are such high divorce rates. At least by reading your post, i understand if I ever need to fantasize about someone else besides my SO, I should not get married PERIOD. I don't want to be 3 years later, kid, and divorced.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover Posted: 6/12/2009 10:11:59 AM
first off. you are young, she is young and I hope she isn't using you has a rebound or going to to you because she couldn't get the other guy. Regardless, as other posters said, it is not her, it's your insecurity talking. Don't look at as this sucks, and my ego is crushed, look at it as maybe an opportunity to communicate with her. She has been completely open and honest to you. It takes balls to say that, I would've been like eh no....you are great and stop there. Stop assuming you suck, stop assuming you thought she wanted it rougher...stop assuming. Just talk to her and ask her what she likes, who knows, imagine how good your sex is going to be if she is with someone she wants to be with and you're as good as that other guy because you asked her what she liked, and you also have to tell her what you like too.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 820 (view)

How can men stop having feelings so quickly? Posted: 6/11/2009 2:08:28 PM
I'll give a another perspective, some guys just tend to bottle things up and don't tell the girl until it's completely over. At which point the girl feels completely devestated. This is me in a nutshell and I know it's a terrible thing to do, and I need to be alone for a long long time to fix this in me.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 2486 (view)

do men actually exist that date women with kids?? Posted: 6/9/2009 10:37:52 PM
In the my earlier days, i wouldn't even think of dating a woman with kids. I met a girl i really and later found out she has 2 daughters aged 9 and 10. At first, I was scared but now I don't think it would be an issue if we got more serious later on. (i am going through my own issues so we broke up, though my intention is to get back together later on, I don't expect her to wait so if it happens, it does) From my perspective, it's actually not that bad I guess, plus I understand they come in 3s. The mom, and her 2 daughters. I am at the stage in my life where I am done the career rat race and would like to start a family. At the end of the day, if I love her and she loves me just as deeply, then we will make it work.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results? Posted: 6/7/2009 11:46:03 PM
Yeah, I would agree there are people who can be chronic cheats and believe they love the people they are with. Believe being the operative word. Being a seasoned chronic cheater (if there is a term), saying you love the people you are with is complete and utter denial. All you are doing is being selfish, and using cheating as a mechanism to stroke your own ego or insecurities. You can only blame it on your issues for so long. Cheating is a selfish act, plain and simple. The catalyst to me wanting to change was her kids. Thinking of meeting them killed me. Since the internet is so anonymous, my dad had cheated on my mom many times even while she was carrying me in her womb. Those young girls remind me of me. I don't want them to grow up thinking a dysfunctional relationship is the norm because it is all they knew growing up like I did. When she asked me to meet them, i was honored and at the same time, i told her I don't think I would be a good role model. I said that because I want to be a good father...enough for them to say, what I want from my future man is someone like my stepdad. Not this person who I am right now if that makes any sense.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results? Posted: 6/7/2009 10:28:49 PM
Well, she has two girls. They mean everything to her, and she has had only one relationshp where she introduced the girls to them. The other day she told me she wanted me to meet them. I don't know, but it clicked in my head, and a wash of guilt went over me. I don't want to go into it thinking of what I could possibly ruin. My best friend is psychologist, and suggested I need to be alone to deal with my issues. I am not a saint by no means.

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results? Posted: 6/7/2009 9:53:08 PM
I know there are many threads on here on people who have been cheated on and others about why did he/she cheat. My question here is to the cheaters who have reformed, what did you do to make yourself a better person? I met someone a few months ago, and the relationship has gotten quite serious with her. As time went on, it got more and more serious. Because she is getting serious and I really care alot about her, I broke it off today. My reason? I'm going to go into therapy. Main reason, that looking at my past relationships, I've had a pattern of dating for a few years, and eventually I end up cheating on them. I know I have self-esteem issues and obviously am selfish. I don't want this to happen to this relationship and any other future ones for that matter, and I need to help myself first before I go any further with her. It would also be unfair to ask her to wait, which I would love to do, but that again is selfish behavior. I know I need to change, and going into counseling to deal with my issues is the first step. To the pattern cheaters, what have you done to fix your life?

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