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itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Selfish lover Posted: 9/14/2008 8:24:14 AM
Wow, I'm just trying to figure out what exactly you DO see in him?

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

How many ??? Posted: 9/12/2008 6:27:40 PM
If all those factors applied, I'd probably be a Callgirl in Vegas.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Does the shrink ever help? Posted: 9/11/2008 3:15:56 AM
To all, thank you for your insights so far. My interest now is partly academic, because the marriage ended several years ago. My interest in relationships and their dynamics remains as strong as ever, and after all, I am looking for another My advice, skip the therapist and do some introspection. I highly recommend the book 'Just Your Type', which is a friendly layman's book on the Myer's Brigg stuff. I studied it in college, and I always go back to it when I'm feeling analytical about a relationship.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

Does the shrink ever help? Posted: 9/10/2008 6:08:54 PM
When I first got engaged we saw a counselor for a single session. They administered the Myers-Brigg personality inventory... and basically said outright it would be a rocky road. It was. I've read lots about this test, and really find it very enlightening. But that's a different thread, I'm sure... As for therapists and counselors... I think it's like any other occupation - you have competent ones, and you have the bozos. Unfortunately, the bozos in this field can be incredibly manipulative and destructive if they want to be. But I do believe the competent ones are very competent...

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Too much affection? Posted: 9/6/2008 11:58:23 AM
OP, I'm afraid I'm just like this girl. Having a guy all over me in public or even with extended family makes me feel like a fire hydrant. I grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of touchy feely affection, so it's very foreign feeling and uncomfortable. People at work joke about my personal space issues... but it's just my comfort zone. I love it in the bedroom and alone at home, but anywhere else it feels like a show. I mean, one guy needed us to sit on one side of a restaurant booth - I felt like a panel of judges. Oddly, I've ended up dating quite a few of guys who are very cuddly and enjoy a lot of PDA. I've come to the conclusion that it's a catch-22. I think a lot of touchy feely guys come from somewhat dysfunctional homes and crave a strong, confident female who makes them feel safe - but who often ends up seeming cold and distant where this is concerned. Funny thing, guys always think they can 'cure' me of this, but it's ingrained. And always ends with me breaking their heart.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 462 (view)

Your Pet or YourRelationship? Posted: 9/5/2008 5:05:20 AM
I'm happy to see the majority see their pets as family, not to be tossed aside. My cats are part of the family. The only circumstance that would have found me searching for homes for them would have been if I had a child who ended up being seriously allergic / asthmatic around them.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 62 (view)

Crazy Neighbour - help me! Posted: 9/4/2008 5:11:17 PM
Hm... I had a friend with a similar psychotic neighbor. She was polite to him at first, but he got creepier and creepier. She finally started wearing a ring and as she walked to a from her car she'd hold her cell phone up to her ear so he wouldn't bother her. Since you have kids, get a hands-free bluetooth! Unfortunately, it didn't cease until she moved. Another idea, if you're a good actress - it's still early enough that you could develop an even MORE psychotic nature and completely turn him off. We women are good at that, right? But seriously, refrain from gardening and outdoor stuff for a while, particularly during the hours his wife isn't home, or the neighborhood is fairly empty. Wait until other neighbors are also outside working. It's inconvenient, but safety trumps inconvenience. I think avoidance is better than confrontation with someone like this. If he's confronted, he'll act like you're a loon, and he's just the altruistic neighbor. I also agree finding a strong, strapping, young male friend to come over a few nights over the next few weeks should help. Then follow that up with the ring!

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Has anyone ever had an Ex-spouse with bennies? Posted: 9/2/2008 5:43:16 PM
You both really need to be completely over the relationship emotionally if this is going to work. Personally, I think that someone is usually more regretful that the relationship has ended. Like someone else mentioned, that person is going to experience another emotional break-up when the ex-spouse chooses to move on. It might also cause you to slip into a lazy, why bother cleaning myself up for the dating world mentality, thereby missing out on happily ever after possibilities. In the meantime, you might have some really mind-blowing 'I don't care what you think so now, so I'm totally putting my Goofy face on when I climax!' sex. But that will probably add to the hurt when it's REALLY over. But there are bennies - safer casual sex, familiarity... hard to pass up if both seem fine with it. You just have to be real honest that you don't really want them back - and that they don't want you back too!

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 55 (view)

mythbuster needed... Posted: 9/2/2008 5:31:27 PM
The sheriff is a a ******!! I gotta tell ya, if Cleavon Little came up to me in a bar and talked as eloquently as he did in Blazing Saddles, I'd be putty. For me it's a class thing, not a race thing. I'm just as turned off by dueling banjos in the background as seeing waddling penguin-style jeans and gold chains.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

SEX ADDICTION!!! Posted: 9/1/2008 12:50:07 PM
I think some people just have addictive personalities... Habits that tap directly into the brain's pleasure center probably are most likely to be used to the point of becoming self-destructive (overeating, alcoholism, even running!). I don't think I'm a sex addict. I think it's cyclical for me, and maybe women in general. One day it's the last thing on my mind, another it's the only thing I can think about. 'Course, in Duchovny's case it might be a Hollywood stunt to get people to watch Californication.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

The Most Unusual Way That A Guy Has Spoiled You? Posted: 8/31/2008 11:41:47 AM
I think the best ever was receiving delivered flowers at my dorm room in college. The reason it's still my favorite is that he was just a guy I talked to in one psych class. He liked the person I was, he didn't even want to date. It was the strangest and most endearing thing I've ever experienced.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

Pick one: Love or respect Posted: 8/31/2008 8:22:47 AM
I think I understand the logic... at least before the feminist movement grayed everything... Woman: " I want a divorce. I've lost all respect for you and your [insert option here]." options: drinking, gambling, cheating, drug use, abuse, lying, laziness, anger, dirty underwear, workaholic nature, emotional distance Man: "I want a divorce. I've fallen out of love with you. You / You're [insert option here]." options: spend all your time and energy on the kids, a corpse in bed, have let yourself go, aren't the person I married, keep trying to change me, angry and bitter all the time, crazy. I think women more often than not end up asking for a divorce. Which leads me to believe respect may be an underlying key to a relationship, regardless of love. For the man's part, I think the reasons above that MIGHT have caused him to ask for a divorce, more often than not, drive him to do one of the behaviors that result in the divorce request by the woman. This is a difficult because the respect is so concrete and love is so intangible. I wonder if that's why women are often more devastated by a request for a divorce.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 177 (view)

Would you open you marriage to save it? Posted: 8/31/2008 7:33:46 AM
Grapevine: So if the fact that I think doing the right thing and being a responsible, accountable person and treating people with dignity and respect leads you to have "zero respect" for me (because that's what I'm all about), then that says a lot about you, doesn't it? Actually, I have to interject - that says nothing about him, because it's based on your definitions and opinions. Starting out with "the fact that" just cracks me up. At least now I have a better idea of where the maliciousness of your posts is coming from. If you equate an open marriage with cheating - I guess I'm not surprised to find out you were cheated on. This sounds like an extension of your anger from your own situation. Well, there's no arguing with raw emotional hurt.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

Oral and swallowing Posted: 8/29/2008 4:39:01 PM
That's a hard one - yuk yuk. For all the reasons people list here. Oral sex is such an intense feeling for a guy - and I've heard time and again that half of what the guy is getting off on is the impression that the girl is actually enjoying being there. I just wonder if it's really the taste and / or the gag reflex. Unless you're justifiably emotionally damaged from something in your past, I would think it'd be much like developing a taste for wine or beer, this would just be something you could acclimate to. Unless as someone else pointed out, it's a control issue that just happens to be showing up in the bedroom among other places. I don't particularly enjoy the stuff, but the reaction is worth it - and like someone else said... getting over the gag reflex can set his member far enough back that you really don't have to taste anything. But if it's really a make it or break it issue, maybe another sexy means of dispensing with the stuff would help. Guys like aiming - particularly breasts or face? But if it's just a complete revulsion to the stuff, I think his frustration and resulting anger issues are from your reaction at something he can't help and something he knows other women will at least pretend to enjoy for the sake of the guy. But again, if you just can't stand the stuff, ask him to go down on your during the heaviest day of your period and see if he sees things differently.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

I feel trapped inside a cage Posted: 8/28/2008 4:18:57 PM
I think at this point you're real decision is whether it's going to take more of your time and energy to just let him hang out until it completely fizzles or force him to get out. Another idea though is to tell him that you think he needs to focus completely on himself and his own goals - if he can't balance that right now the last thing he should be thinking about is a relationship. (Ie., break up) You could offer to split the roommate costs three ways and he could be a third roommate, paying his share (he should have been willing to do that in the first place)... If he can't even do that little bit on his own, you're respect for him is going to continue to wane as you continue to grow while he remains bitter and stagnant.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

What to do, what to think?! Posted: 8/28/2008 4:00:52 PM
Hm. To turn the tables... I know a girl who knowing her fiancee's guy friends were pretty apathetic, coordinated his bachelor party (unusual eh?). All the girlfriends begged her not to let them go to the local strip bars, and she didn't (I think they regretted that). Instead, she arranged for 2 strippers to show up at the house. She suggested they NOT video it, but someone did and afterward two of the girls never spoke to her again! I believe it was whipped cream on the breasts most of them consumed. There was also pudding on the curtains... I know one of the girls was talented at picking up dimes off guys noses without using her hands. And the other set up banana splits for them to enjoy from an unusual spot. And of course the girls did things to each other. I think at one point one of the guys offered to pay one of the girls to go into the other room with the husband to be, and the husband declined. I think that's the one thing you DON'T want happening at one of these parties. If everyone's drinking and partying I think it just becomes a goofy thing everyone is doing. Believe it or not, usually the guy is really trying hard NOT to be completely mauled by these women. Unless he went off into another room with her along during the evening, I think she probably just fell into the mob mentality. If anything, you might be relieved to know she's not a complete prude, which might prove unsatisfying in a marriage. But if you want reassurance, discuss it with her. I would hope she'd want to discuss it with you, that would probably make you feel better that it was all done in harmless fun. I do have a question, though - do the photos show real down the throat blowjobs or are they just kind of mouthing bits of whipped cream off without really contacting his skin or is he maybe just getting in their face and getting whipped cream all over the way a female stripper might shove a guy's head in between her breasts? I think talking to her might make you feel a lot better about what was going on, and open some communication lines about expectations in that area, since you aren't going to test the waters yet. Doesn't mean you can't share your feelings about it. I certainly wouldn't bury it into a resentment that will put your trust in her on a shelf.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

Best Songs to Dance Like A Slut to? Posted: 8/27/2008 7:42:07 PM
Animals - Nickelback

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 139 (view)

Would you open you marriage to save it? Posted: 8/27/2008 7:30:38 PM
Surely you are not intimating that 'open marraige' is some kind of invention of the 21st century? This is been tried over and over through the centuries, and through the cultures, and you know why it never sticks? Because it doesn't work!! My point is, live and let live. Whether it works or not it's a learning experience. If they were destined to divorce, they'll do it whether they take this road or another. My parents let us make our own mistakes and learn from them, as long as we weren't in life-threatening danger. I'm always disappointed when I watch people try to beat down the ideals of others because "it doesn't work" that way. You call someone stupid enough and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm much more appreciative of the 'I' remarks - "I couldn't do that, but to each their own." And for the other reply, I'll restate here that I clearly defined 'consenting adults' in my post. I'd appreciate it if you didn't denigrate the value of my opinion by throwing true abominations of nature like child molesters inappropriately into the mix.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

opinions needed Posted: 8/27/2008 1:03:36 PM
I think the term "lead her to believe" bothers me. It means you feel more comfortable controlling your relationships. I'm thinking she figures this might be the tip of the iceberg - your actual MO, versus being a singular occurence. Unless she decides the nuturing value of the relationship trumps her issues with trust now, I think you will most likely be moving on.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 118 (view)

Would you open you marriage to save it? Posted: 8/27/2008 9:58:20 AM
I deliberately used the word evolve to ruffle feathers. Evolve means change – not necessarily betterment. Frogs evolved to be able to breath through their skin. Now with warming temps, they face extinction because of fungal growth that literally suffocates them. You’re jumping on a word and not understanding the premise.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Girls, If a guy said to you At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul what would you think? Posted: 8/27/2008 8:23:38 AM
Unless it's Halloween or a goth party, I'd have to assume Homicidal Maniac with Delusions of Grandeur and exit stage left.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

How Do you break up nicely??? Posted: 8/27/2008 8:11:32 AM
The golden rule applies here. Under the circumstances if the tables were flipped, how would you like him to end it? It's going to hurt, but would you rather someone continue to hang out with you even if they're only reasoning is so they don't hurt you? How he takes it and responds are his issues at that point, not yours. And I agree with another response - don't hold friendship as a consolation prize.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 115 (view)

Would you open you marriage to save it? Posted: 8/27/2008 5:59:18 AM
You know who I think are freaks? People who ride motorcycles. Why risk life and limb on a two-wheeled death-mobile when you have a perfectly good form of transportation on a safe set of 4 wheels encased in an often-airbag padded cocoon? How will your family and friends feel when you hit that bridge abutment just the wrong way and cause all kinds of harm to yourself and consequently everyone around you? You can handle it? Oh please, that’s what they all say until they’re plastered to the grill of some semi. And who wants road grit and bugs in their hair anyway? Freaks, I tell ya – every one of them. Yes, that’s sarcasm. But an apt parallel to a couple’s evolution of sexual exploration, IMHO. Anyone who seals themselves into a sexual cocoon and admonishes anyone else who deviates from your norm is just barking at the unknown. Honestly, to cast stones at people who have chosen to incorporate another consenting adult into their sexual lives isn’t any different from anything else beyond lights out missionary-style sex. “Darling, I think Judith down the lane got something from Victoria Secret’s the other day – break out the pitchfork.” “Dear, I think Charles and Ida up the road had sex in his pool last night! Light the torch…” “I think those two men who moved into the house on the corner are gay! Get a rope…” “Honey! We’re having a burning tomorrow morning at the local library! I’ll bring my Harlequins if you get your Playboys!” Vehement reactions to sexual choices consenting adults make are simply a form of self-preservation. If someone is doing something you wouldn’t do, it’s challenging your norms and your comfort zone. It’s easier to disapprove and hope they come to your side than it is to try to understand or tolerate, let alone accept or try. Because more certain that anything else is that your history, morals and resulting lifestyle is the only right way. A friend of mine, upon hearing that her husband wanted to buy a crotch rocket (that’s a sport motor bike for those unaware), informed him that she’d serve him divorce papers before he made it out of the driveway. Is she denying the happiness of her spouse or protecting the safety of her marital situation?

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Would you open you marriage to save it? Posted: 8/25/2008 7:39:30 PM
I don't know... If they're really being honest with one another and both of them are genuinely happy now... the dominatrix is probably getting paid and maybe the ex-beau doesn't want the complications of another marriage? Life's too short to follow some conventional pattern of what's right and what's not right between consenting adults. I've seen couples sleep in separate bedrooms until one becomes a happier widow, I've seen people lie and cheat their way through marriage and divorce... It could be that one of them is really miserable, or that it ends in bitterness, resentment and eventually divorce... but because their roadmap is not the norm doesn't necessarily make it wrong, just unusual. Reminds me of a quote from Mencken: “Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy”

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 46 (view)

30 years later... Posted: 8/25/2008 9:42:27 AM
Wow, how cool is that? It's good you didn't pursue it further and completely freak her out. Now I'm sure she's chomping at the bit wondering what was in that letter!! I hope things go well!!

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Hypothetical Situation... Posted: 8/25/2008 9:36:20 AM
That's a tough one... A married couple I know recently explained to me that the wife had experienced incest growing up in her family. Both of them seemed to hold their breath a while after that conversation... apparently even friends have flown the coop after that comes to the surface as if it's contagious... so I guess I can see how someone might run and then question why she would be attracted to someone who comes from such a dysfunctional background and what kind of problems could manifest from being with a victim of such horrible experiences. It's a shame she wasn't more understanding, but the fact that she would run so quickly without regard to his feelings says a lot. Maybe in future relationships the guy could explain that the relationship between himself and his mother is poor and not something he's ready to discuss... Hopefully one day he'll meet the Florence Nightengale type who understands that someone can heal from an experience like that, and not become it.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Help I am having a CRISIS Posted: 8/25/2008 9:24:12 AM
Just go out and buy the red corvette with t-tops now... Twenty six is early to have the middle-life crisis, but what can you do? Well, there is dying the hair and wrinkle cream... but honestly, would you trade your age map for your less-wise youth? All these worries are skin deep and mostly just noticeable to you. Take a week or so and change your music station or CD playlist to NPR and after a few days of listening to some of the strife people are experiencing right now, you'll probably find aging a little less devastating. I often wonder if that's why the older you get the more interesting news becomes.... And when your son asks what the lines are for... depending on his age, come up with a story for each one. "This one is from when I thought I left the coffee maker on..." "this one is from when you bumped your head"...

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

like a guy who can dance? Posted: 8/24/2008 6:44:16 PM
I said no for a long time because I have two left feet as it is on the dance floor. So if I can't dance, why would it impress me to look like a bumbling fool with someone who can? But then at an outdoor dance that was part of a booze cruise in Cancun this guy asked me to dance. I had just enough tequila to say yes, but not so much I couldn't follow. That's the one and only time I danced with someone who knew how to dance, and I was mesmerized. The guy was this big, burly Mexican who would have scared the hell out of me in any other environment, but he just floated on the dance floor and it's the only time I've been able to follow a guy, versus finding myself leading...

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 75 (view)

Parents who live with you, is it a turn off? Posted: 8/17/2008 8:50:10 PM
My parents sold everything in order to travel via RV permanently. So I took in their cat. After 2 years of memorable travels my mom died from a fast-paced cancer. After another 6 months of lonely, less memorable traveling, I took in my dad. I would imagine it's not the best situation for dating, since the privacy factor isn't there. But, since I haven't dated much recently, I can't tell you from personal experience. I can say that thinking about past guys I've dated, I can't imagine any one of them would have had a problem with it. So I would say that the poorer reflection is on the person who has the problem with the situation... if two people managed to find in one another a kindred spirit, a living situation probably doesn't amount to much in the long run. This doesn't include the moochers people have referred too... I don't think anyone, man or woman, can envision an equal relationship with someone who is simply used to being taken care of. It's one-sided selfish behavior adapted from their parents who don't let go, and a recipe for disaster, IMHO, or at least wedded misery...

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

how do women feel about sex in public Posted: 8/13/2008 7:36:06 PM
At a field party (literally some backwoods field owned by one of the partiers) where they had generators running so bands could play... we were pretty toasted from more than just alcohol and decided to go at it in the middle of a trail in the woods we'd been hiking. RIGHT afterwards a guy walked past us - I'm pretty sure he had to have been there the whole time... I have to second the driving while exposing and playing with yourself... that's definitely fun!

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

stds Posted: 8/12/2008 6:51:32 PM
I believe people generally put self-preservation before everything else. So the person without an STD is going to want to be told ahead of time. The person with the STD probably quite often represses their own knowledge in order to preserve themselves as well! I give a lot of credit to a person willing to be open and honest before becoming sexually active. If you're with someone who genuinely cares about you, they'd want to be honest with you... you'd think. If someone told me they had an STD without a cure, I'd do the research on it, see how it would affect me if I contracted it and make a decision from there. If the consequences of contracting the disease were really bad, I'd end it.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

Sexual Silence? Posted: 8/12/2008 6:39:50 PM
Yes, that's happened before. It was just the way he was and I hated it - not only was he silent, but after an amazing first time it was always this deep concentration missionary rutting, for lack of a better word. I could have been counting ceiling tiles for all he knew.... I was shocked how devasted he was when I ended the relationship. You should have a pretty good reason for denying one of your senses during sex - being somewhere where you'll be overheard by unappreciative or young ears are the only two that comes to mind.

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 100 (view)

How important is sex to you? Posted: 8/12/2008 6:20:17 PM
Very. I have married friends who have sex drives that are WAY out of whack. It's just an additional stress on relationships already dealing with money, family and value stress... If you have a low libido, it's probably a good idea to find someone else who also has a low sex drive, and vice versa. I would guess this is why affairs are so commonplace... On a social level, we seem to accept that upon reaching adolescence boys will be boys and girls are still supposed to have no sex drive - it's no wonder there is such an imbalance in adulthood when suddenly a woman is just supposed to flip a switch and go from zero to sixty-nine in 3.2 seconds. But that's probably a whole other thread. As for freaky... it can so run the gamut, my rule of thumb, anything goes between two or more consenting adults. Consenting becomes the issue when people aren't confident and communicative about what they want versus what people pressure them to do...

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 97 (view)

Dirty talk...... Posted: 8/11/2008 6:58:56 PM
I agree with Der Stab... it's a fine line between a genuine comment and porn talk. Porn talk is fine, in porns... it's expected. But in reality, it sounds scripted and fake. A well-timed genuine request, comment or demand is MUCH more enticing - with a lot of sounds in between! I think the auditory sense is often under-utilized in sex - which is a crime considering the effect it can have in the brain and consequently everywhere else. If someone says just the right thing at just the right time, I'll spend the entire next day repeating it in my head... until I'm pretty much ready to jump him the next time I can...

itsa jelly

Joined: 8/5/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Hairy Body Posted: 8/11/2008 6:24:57 PM
I'm in agreement with most here. I prefer lots of hair, as I see it as a masculine thing. It's probably very much the handiwork of Hollywood creating a humorous stigma out of hairy men. So much of what we eventually learn is "attractive" is what we absorb from TV... and you just don't see hairy guys in sex scenes... you see them being waxed, selling Geico car insurance and well I won't even go into Borat!! Fortunately, when it matters, a great smile and a genuine personality will trump ridiculous learned stereotypes... Think about how many guys want women with long hair, but so many women still opt for short cuts. Trim what you want to make yourself comfortable, but don't be concerned about what women will think. The one for you will love you, hair and all!

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