I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? chat & forums.

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namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 587 (view)

I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? Posted: 11/22/2009 1:29:47 PM
It sounds a bit defensive to me. I mean, I don't need a man, but I also consider that fairly obvious (and anyone who meets me can figure out pretty fast that I'm a strong and assertive woman), and have never felt the need to put that in my profile. I wonder if some of that comes from women who've been in bad relationships and are trying to avoid a repeat of whatever particular problem they had around that. How does one build a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with someone who doesn't need you anyway? Hopefully, in a healthy manner. I don't need anyone. I want to be with the people I spend my time with, and the people I date, because they enrich my life. I don't want to be with someone who needs me; I want to be with someone who wants me, who actively chooses to be with me as opposed to staying because they need me and don't know what else to do. That sense of need starts getting codependent and unhealthy. Some interdependence is healthy in a long-term relationship, but I'd rather be with someone because I want to be with him than because I feel like I need to be with him.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Am I bisexual? Or an anomaly? Posted: 11/21/2009 6:18:50 PM
I suspect part of your problem is that you're trying to be attracted to an entire gender, one way or the other. Start by finding a PERSON to whom you're both sexually and emotionally attracted. It takes me ages to find a man I'm both sexually and emotionally attracted to, but I do occasionally find them. Maybe you're just really picky, too.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

FEMALE CONDOMS Posted: 11/21/2009 4:00:39 PM
Nam, your posts always seem to make a great deal of sense- why haven't you given one a field test yet? Hmm. . . didn't ever get to a particularly exploratory point with a short-lived FWB, haven't had any other sex partners in a good year-and-a-half. I'm sure I will at some point. Hopefully there'll be opportunity in my near future. I'll give a report once I've tried it.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

Women who don't shave Posted: 11/20/2009 7:04:00 PM
I don't know, honestly. I think it can look nice, but it seems like a really uncomfortable place to have razor burn or other such things. I just trim.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Conflict in the bedroom. Posted: 11/20/2009 3:09:25 PM
A HUGE part of being "very good in bed" involves listening to your partner. It's not going to be very good for her if that's not the kind of sex she wants. Normally, I'd say there's an underlying sexual incompatibility here, and you need to figure out whether you can be happy with what she enjoys or if you're going to feel something's missing sexually in the long run. However, because of the other circumstances here (her history of rape), that may not be the case. Have you been talking to her about this? I'd suggest doing so, in a completely neutral way and time. Let her know that you're trying to guage your overall sexual compatibility, not pushing her to do things now that she's clearly not ready for, but wondering whether you might be able to work toward them at whatever pace she's comfortable with. That's the part to stress with her, that you're willing to be as patient as she needs. Alternately, if this really is a huge problem for you, sexual incompatibility is a perfectly valid reason to break up with someone. But it sounds like that's really not what you want, so I'd go the open communication route. Just let her know you'd like to expand your sexual repertoire eventually, when she's ready, and that you hope that's a sexual journey you'll be able to take together as she feels more comfortable with you. Don't try to squash your sexual openness, though. There's a difference between being patient and trying to squash part of yourself. Don't do the latter--you'll likely resent her for it in the end. ETA: So the first thing you need to do is stop labelling the sex. Throw the term "making love" out the window. Because trust me, you can make love and have it be fast and hard and wild. THIS. Kaylie is right on with her whole comment, and said it better than I did. And I've had crazy hard and intense love-making/fucking all in one, so I'm with her on the labeling. Hardcore fucking with someone you love IS love-making, as far as I'm concerned.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

FEMALE CONDOMS Posted: 11/20/2009 12:43:00 PM
$8 is certainly not the going rate per female condom. When I ordered a Reality condom online, it was definitely more expensive than male condoms, but only cost $1.95. At $8 each, very few people would ever use them, and while they might still be prohibitively expensive for some, they're not THAT expensive. A quick google search shows FC for $17.95 for five, or Reality starting at $6.95 for three. Either you're mistaken, or you got ripped off. Incidentally, I'm not pointing this out to be argumentative, but just so people have accurate information about the cost of obtaining and using various safer sex products. As to "getting her to use them"--hopefully, this is a joint decision. I actually haven't tried them yet, but I would--it's always nice to know what your options are and to be informed. It's effective enough that there's no increased risk, as far as I'm aware, so I have no idea why anyone would refuse even to give them a try.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

FEMALE CONDOMS Posted: 11/19/2009 6:51:45 PM
If you paid $8 a piece for female condoms, OP, you got seriously ripped off. I assume you mean $8 total? I've heard that they're pretty much akin to trash can liners, but can be very useful (and can also be used for anal sex. Gay men know about this one as well). It also covers more skin, so can be practical is herpes is a concern. In addition to Reality female condoms, which have been out for a while, I heard there's a new one that's recently come onto the market. Google tells me it's called FC2, or Female Condom 2, and apparently it's supposed to be cheaper, thinner, and "a lot less squeaky", according to one page. I've heard mixed reviews on these--I have one, but have yet to try it out myself. Glad you and your partner found something you like! My opinion is that people should use the BC method that works best for them, so if this is it for you two, then great.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

Sensitive nipples Posted: 11/18/2009 6:19:38 PM
It varies. I've been with men who loved it, and others for whom it did nothing. My feeling is that, if it's one more thing I can do to turn on a partner, then awesome--if not, then something else will work for him.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

BF will not tell me his birthdate or where he works - is this wierd to you guys? Posted: 11/13/2009 7:41:04 PM
Something's not right here. Either he's lying--probably about a lot of things--or he has such serious issues that you'd be dodging a bullet to rid yourself of him. Incidentally, I know someone who was involved with someone for three years, spent time at his apartment, etc. Turns out he was still married and living with his wife, in their house--the apartment was an extra for him that his wife didn't know about. I'm not saying anything like that is going on here, but I do think you never know, and paying attention to red flags is a good way to go.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

Are all expectations relationship killers? Posted: 11/13/2009 7:17:58 PM
I would never EXPECT to have sex only one way. I'm not saying that, and neither is the OP from what I can tell. What I'm saying, in my sex life, is that I want to include the position that gets me off in the sex that I have with my partner. It doesn't have to happen every single time, and I enjoy many, many other things as well (including, for instance, blow jobs, which provide me with no direct stimulation. Why?--Well, because I like getting my partners off and providing them with pleasure. If I didn't care about that, I wouldn't sleep with them in the first place). But since that position is the one that works so well for me, I expect to have it as a regular menu item in the sex that I have with a partner, just as I'll happily engage regularly in anything that a partner of mine finds a particular turn-on. That's what it is to be a caring sex partner. Likewise, the OP wants to include 69ing in her sex life. She said that she enjoys other forms of sex. This is not the only form of sex she wants to have. It is a form of sex she wants to incorporate on a regular basis. There is a huge difference between the two. I like giving oral as much as anyone but if that was the ONLY way to please a girl she'd be an ex. To please, or to get her off? There are many, many women who only come with oral sex. Those women are typically quite able to enjoy other forms of stimulation, but probably want to get off on a reasonably regular basis. Assuming they were good, giving and game for the other things you enjoyed, would you really break up with them based on that? The vast majority of women don't get off from penetration alone, and there are a lot of us who come in particular ways. Any decent partner will accommodate that for a GGG partner.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Are all expectations relationship killers? Posted: 11/13/2009 4:02:00 PM
You need to look into why you are that way. I'm not sure this is helpful at all. Sometimes needs can be expanding and sublimated; other times, they can't. I mostly just come one way, and none of my partners has had an issue incorporating that into the sex we've had. I've always done plenty of other things during partnered sex as well, so it doesn't get boring. You're assuming the OP ONLY wants to engage in 69ing, which is not what she said, just that she wants to incorporate that into their sex. There's a difference. which would piss a guy off and yes lead to the quickie..."I'll just get my rocks off cus I can't please her" type of sex. But he can please her. From what the OP says, it sounds like he knows exactly what he needs to do to please her, and when they engage in 69ing, she reaches orgasm fairly quickly. The problem isn't that she can't be pleased, it's that he's avoiding the one thing he knows will undoubtedly please her (and really, if she's going down on him at the same time, how much of a chore can it be?). You really need to get to the bottom of that cus sex should never be just about one servicing the other, but about bonding. Each enjoying the other intimately. If you can't do that your relationship is doomed. And it will be with the next guy too. Guys like to give oral but not as the only thing. You may need to get a Lesbian to be happy cus no guy will sign on for that longterm. Sex has an element of servicing your partner. I mean, you want to meet your partner's sexual needs, right? That's normal in a healthy sexual relationship. Some of that is good and healthy. Too much is problematic, but if you're sexual with someone, I'd hope that it involves wanting to please them. As to lesbianism: This misses the point like crazy. The OP is straight, as far as we know. Why on earth would she want to be with a lesbian when 69ing with a guy gets her off? I've been with plenty of guys where there was oral sex nearly every time. There are plenty of guys who would LOVE to engage in this amount of mutual oral sex with a partner. Compatibility may be a problem, but her needs aren't--she may simply need a more compatible, and/or more obliging, partner.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Are all expectations relationship killers? Posted: 11/13/2009 3:53:10 PM
I think it might depend a bit on how you are communicating things to him. If you phrase them as demands, I can see why he's be put off. If you're simply telling him what you need, or asking nicely for it, that's another thing entirely. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all. If he does, and if you've been phrasing things well and not at times that don't work for those kinds of conversations, then you need to consider whether you can go without getting your needs met in this relationship, or whether it's time to find someone who will meet you halfway.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Sexually Inadequate??? Posted: 11/13/2009 2:47:06 PM
Yes, your ex clearly had some issues! I don't orgasm that easily, and almost never in a more passive position. If I have sex regularly enough, I won't come every time. The partners I pick tend to be okay with that, to understand that I don't need to come every time and will tell them when I really do need to come. I've had some incredible mutually enjoyable sex with my partners. My thought is that a man who is secure in himself isn't going to have such an issue with this. A decent man who is insecure will work on getting you off in other ways or on his own insecurities. He explained to me that not having a woman who came easily and many times made sex less enjoyable because it felt like he was not as accomplished. This bit speaks volumes. Is sex more about mutual enjoyment and intimacy, or feeling "accomplished"? I think his priorities are just a wee bit out of whack here. And yes, there are better, more giving and more secure partners out there who will be plenty enthusiastic with your make-up. Write him off and find someone better!

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 101 (view)

WTF is up with the double standard when it comes to sex toys? Posted: 11/9/2009 6:41:42 PM
There are some pretty ridiculous things in this thread, including the OP. I use toys because I like them, and because I'd much rather take care of myself than find some guy I don't even like that much for just sex. I'll not settle, thanks. I also adore using toys during sex with a partner. Also, I think the Fleshlight would be crazy fun to play with, and I'd love to use one with a partner or watch him use one on himself until I can't take it anymore and demand his attention. There are some good sex toys for men out there, you just have to know where to look and have a sense of adventure!

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 43 (view)

Sex...Hurts? Posted: 11/8/2009 2:54:32 PM
OP, if you're not that into him, I suggest you stop having painful sex with him and wait until you find someone that you really like and are actually attracted to. This may be a case of your body trying to tell you something, but I suspect you won't know what the real story is until you have sex with someone you really want to be f*cking.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 52 (view)

Embarassing yet unavoidable Posted: 11/8/2009 1:41:18 PM
However, there are some highly adverse side effects to the queef...namely embolisms. Pack enough air in there and hold it in or refuse to let it escape, and it can travel her bloodstream and cause an embolism. Yea, they're fatal. Fatal as in she can die. So to queef serves two purposes I can see...one to remind one to slow the Hell down...and two to keep her in the game (and alive is always a good option). This is extremely uncommon, and much more likely if you actually physically blow air into a woman's vagina than if some air gets trapped there during sex. That's why you should never actually blow into a woman's vagina. But the amount of air that gets in there to cause queefing is fairly insignificant, and highly unlikely to cause any problems. OP: I don't find them embarrassing, just silly. I've always just laughed over it with a partner, as I do with the sweaty chest-to-breasts fart. Sex is silly, so have fun with it!

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 40 (view)

Sex...Hurts? Posted: 11/8/2009 8:25:16 AM
Other infections, like yeast won't cause what you're talking about. Trust me, if you have yeast you'll know it and WON'T want sex till it's better. That's not necessarily true. The first yeast infection I had, I had no idea was there until I got cultured for it. I also have a friend who had a lot of pain during sex and found out she had a rare strain of bacterial vaginosis that was causing a lot of the problem for her. It's always worth checking these options when there's a problem like this. And yes, PID is definitely worth looking into on this one.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 96 (view)

Is porn ruining real live sex? Posted: 11/8/2009 7:37:26 AM
Porn destroyed my only real relationship. My ex left me, saying he wanted to see other girls. He did see many other girls for a $1.99 and $2.99 a minute on his cam porn sites. This was costing him $75 to $90. dollars a week. Honestly, I don't think that's the fault of porn (and I'll agree with a previous poster that camming is not the same as porn)--I think that should be blamed on addiction and the inability of your ex to deal with his addiction properly. Most people who watch porn (which is probably most people) don't have problems doing so in a healthy manner, any more than most people who drink alcohol become alcoholics.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

How to do safe cunnilingus?? Posted: 11/8/2009 7:16:27 AM
I have a friend who contracted genital herpes from unprotected oral sex with a partner, as TOwoman1 mentioned. It does happen. OP: Aside from the drug store thing, you'll probably find more and cheaper options if you do an online search. You can buy them in bulk, take your pick of vendors and types of dental dams, etc. The good thing about them is that, being only a thin piece of latex, they'd be super easy to slip into anything you're carrying (but remember, if you're using latex, not to put them in your pocket; prolonged exposure to body heat beyond their intended use can wear down the latex and render them ineffective). Have fun!

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

seriously need some help on helping my friend of 30 years Posted: 11/7/2009 8:00:13 PM
OP, you can't help her out if she isn't ready for that help. Give her the phone numbers for people who deal with women leaving abusive relationships, provide her what she needs to make those steps when she's ready, suggest counseling, let her know that if she's ready to get the help she needs, that you're there for her however you can, in an instant. Beyond that, there is nothing you can do. What you describe is unquestioningly abusive, but if your friend doesn't want out, then she won't leave. She has to be ready to go. Also keep in mind: When she is ready to leave, this man may become a physical danger to her as he realizes he has lost his hold on her. Once she's ready to go, she needs to treat him as a danger and take serious steps to protect herself from him.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

How to do safe cunnilingus?? Posted: 11/7/2009 7:50:27 PM
What TOwoman1 said. The obvious downside to saran wrap would be if it tears, in which case it will provide no protection at all. You'd be better off cutting condoms.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 78 (view)

Is porn ruining real live sex? Posted: 11/7/2009 1:14:34 PM
The only real issue I see is with communication. If you can communicate properly with a sex partner, then you can ask directly what your partner wants. Making assumptions that your partner will like what your past partner(s) have enjoyed can be just as problematic as turning to Professor Porn, but talking with your partner about their actual needs and desires clears up this problem. In short: Making assumptions that your partner's body works in any particular way without talking to them about it is problematic. It has little to do with porn per se.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

Sex...Hurts? Posted: 11/7/2009 12:39:58 PM
I talked to two doctors about it, they...Told me not to worry about it, that, I was probably just "Overreacting". Mmhm. Find a new doctor. Seriously. It doesn't sound to me like you necessarily have a chronic vulvar pain condition, but 20% of women will develop vulvar pain in their lifetimes. These women will see an average or 5-6 doctors before getting a correct diagnosis. There is no excuse for your doctor's ignorance, and you need to see someone who will take your complaints seriously, diagnose you correctly, and get you the medical help you need. Anyone who tells you that you're "overreacting" is NOT the person to do that. Find a better doctor, and get a referral to a vulvar pain specialist or pelvic pain specialist if you need one (yes, they exist, and they're usually much more equipped to deal with these things than most gynecologists). If it's a muscular problem, you should get a referral to a specialized physical therapist or biofeedback therapist who can help you to retrain those muscles. As to a shallow vagina: Vaginas elongate when you're aroused; the cervis is typically 2-3 inches in most of the time, until it lifts as your body gets ready to accommodate penetration. Are you always properly aroused before sex? It could be that you are simply more sensitive to longer ccks and will need to be more careful with them, but I'd definitely look into this first. Especially since you mention having had no problem with larger ccks previously. But the first step is a properly educated doctor who will take your concerns seriously.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Sex...Hurts? Posted: 11/6/2009 4:54:50 PM
OP: There are a lot of causes of painful sex (dyspareunia). Did sex become a chore before it started hurting, or did the pain cause that sort of emotional reaction? The former means you'd likely need to work on your relationship and the sexual element there, while the latter indicates a more physical problem. Go get a complete work-up: complete STI screenings, and especially get tested for bacterial vaginosis and yeast (and make sure you get an actual culture for both). Given that you're talking about cramping, it could be that you have some pelvic floor muscle dysfunction that causing muscular problems where those muscles aren't relaxing the way they should. If there's a more surface skin type component as well, you could have some form of vulvodynia (which usually does cause resultant pelvic floor muscle issues, as usually happen with the muscle group surrounding any sort of pain site). It doesn't sound like vaginismus unless you're having trouble with initial penetration. You mention your ex, and there have been many women who had sex hurt with one partner with whom there were relationship problems, and when they got into healthier relationships, the problem resolved itself. If this was an unhealthy relationship or one in which you didn't feel comfortable, there could definitely have been a psychosomatic component that won't be an issue with future partners. And while you're figuring this out, remember: you are never obligated to have sex. If sex is hurting and it hurts you to do this, tell your partner and find some non-penetrative, non-painful ways to have sex together. There are loads of things you can do that don't involve penetration, and you shouldn't be hurting yourself over and over again; and any decent, caring lover should want you not to be hurting, too. Best of luck to you, and hang in there.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 127 (view)

Straight men and Anal play - yay or nay? Posted: 11/3/2009 5:37:04 PM
If my lady wanted to go there, I'd let her, and I'd try to pretend I was enjoying it, for her sake. Please don't. Faking it is bad. Really bad. Since 90% of my enjoyment is based purely on my partner's responses.. I've had partner's do this and it purely takes ALL the fun out of it. I dislike being lied to. I'd rather hear "this isn't working for me, lets try something different" then "ooo baby!!".. especially if you aren't feeling it. Word. There's also, "Hey, this isn't doing much for me. I'm willing to do it from time to time if it really turns you on, but I didn't want to tell you it was great for me if it wasn't", or some such. Having a partner who's good, giving and game, and willing to do things solely for your benefit on occasion, is great. But lying is just crappy.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Orgasm Help Posted: 11/2/2009 1:45:06 PM
How do you masturbate? Try varying it a bit. If you usually use only your hand, try a toy or two. If you're using toys, vary that. If you're only masturbating with clitoral stimulation, then try using a dildo inside--I find this often makes my vibrator-powered orgasms more intense. There are a lot of different vibrators out there with different materials, types of vibrations, etc. Experiment with those types, try starting with something weaker, moving to something stronger. Try a pulsing vibrator instead. Experiment with G-spot stimulators and butt plugs. Get a pair of clothes pins of nipple clamps. Vary the place (move to the bath, for instance, or get crazy in the kitchen). Read some erotica if you haven't been doing that--there are some great books out, or you can check out literotica.com or some similar site. Look at some porn and see if you can find something new that turns you on that you'd never thought of before. Another possibility: I will occasionally go through periods where masturbating just doesn't do it for me, and even if I do make myself come, it's really not at all satisfying--my body just wants sex or nothing at all (but preferably sex). It could be that masturbation simply isn't working for you at the moment. But I would definitely try playing around with different toys and erotic stimulation before reaching that conclusion. Also: Women's sexuality doesn't really start settling in until around age 30 or so. You're still at the beginning of this journey. Have fun with it! Experiment, try new things, see if something you'd always assumed was gross or weird might actually turn you on. There's a world of stimuli out there--something will turn out to be awesome for you. Enjoy!

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Should I be worried? Posted: 11/2/2009 6:32:00 AM
I'm with Cowboy on this one. If he's unwilling to engage you in any sort of conversation online, or even tell you anything about himself, how comfortable are you really going to be in person? Personally, I pay no attention to people who won't talk to me and tell me about themselves. I don't care if someone is interested in me if he's unable to provide me with any reason to be interested in him. My advice is either to drop it, or to tell him flat-out, "I'm not willing to meet up with someone I know nothing about. Please tell me about yourself if you're still interested in meeting eventually." Also: He is probably just clueless, but it's also possible that there's a sinister reason he doesn't want to provide you with any information about himself. Go with your gut.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Sex in parents house while parents are home Posted: 11/2/2009 6:21:24 AM
I've done it: with my first boyfriend at his house, and with two later boyfriends at mine. At some point my parents accepted that I'm an adult and as long as I'm being safe, there's no reason I shouldn't have an active sex life. There are two boyfriends who've stayed over when I've been visiting my parents: one lived reasonably close, and the other I brought home with me for Thanksgiving one year. In both cases, I shared a bed with my then-BF, which my parents were just fine with. We were respectfully quiet and didn't leave a mess.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

A difference between men and women OR the truth about sluts and playas. Posted: 11/1/2009 7:27:39 PM
So, if everyone is supposedly being care ful and responsible... why are the numbers sexually transmitted infections increasing every year...? one would think that by now, if they're so hard to transmit... and such a large portion of the sexually active are practicing safer sex, that the opposite would be true.... I didn't say they're hard to transmit. What I'm pointing out is that many people seem to have a much inflated sense of the risk involved in sexual encounters. Given the probability of contracting something from an infected partner with unprotected sex, and the very much lessened probability of transmission with barrier-protected sex, it really seems like a place where you should take the proper precautions and be aware of the risk involved. No need to alarmism. My issue is with this: And if everyone did sleep around "relatively safe ways" would fail due to simple statistics... eventually, evereyone would be infected with STI's... the small percentage points of risk would eventually overwhelm the healthy population... which is patently untrue and full of that sort of alarmist sex negativity I hate. If people are aware of the risks and acting responsibly (i.e. using barrier methods), chances of transmission are low. If they're getting tested regularly while they have multiple partners, they further reduce the transmission risk with that screening and any necessary follow up. There is no reason to freak out about how we'll eventually all be felled by people having protected sex. While a (very) small percentage of that population will contract an STI of some sort, it's the people who have unprotected sex who are the real transmitters of STIs, and barrier methods do work successfully most of the time.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

A difference between men and women OR the truth about sluts and playas. Posted: 11/1/2009 6:18:59 PM
m_church, you clearly have an inflated sense of the risk involved. For some diseases, it is higher (chlamydia carries a 35% transmission rate from a male to female with unprotected intercourse with an infected partner, which is high, but HIV carries only a .1% risk with the same scenario); others, not so much. You're also neglecting to take into account that there are many responsibly promiscuous people who get regular STI screening. Which this doesn't prevent transmission entirely, it does give those who have become infected a chance to curtail their behavior while they deal with the infection (in the case of something curable, like chlamydia or gonorrhea), or take additional precautions in the future (with someone not curable, like HIV or other viral infections). The people I know with multiple partners, promiscuous or not, generally tend to be fairly militant about both barriers and testing with their partners. Yes, there remains a risk and barriers aren't 100%, but that risk is cut drastically when people are responsible about these issues. It doesn't mean you should have multiple partners if you're not down with that sort of thing, but you do seem to be engaging in alarmist behavior around STIs, whose spread is much more containable with the proper precautions than you seem willing to believe.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

How to prevent THIS type of hurt? Posted: 10/31/2009 8:31:24 PM
Communication, really. Make sure you're on the same page, stress that you want to know where you stand with them. And then, accept that you can't ever really know what someone else is thinking and feeling, that there's emotional risk involved in opening yourself up to someone else on an intimate level, and that it's a risk you're willing to take for the experience of being intimate with this person, even if it ends and that ending hurts.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 39 (view)

Why women have more sexual prospects.. Posted: 10/31/2009 5:23:05 PM
I'm curious, OP: Who do you think arranged this giant conspiracy you apparently believe in?

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Sex Frequency compatability question Posted: 10/31/2009 4:47:30 PM
Does his GF see this as a problem? If so, they should have a talk about what sort of frequency she'd like to see. A general sexual satisfaction talk might be a good idea since he's clearly worried about it. It could be that her ex wanted sex a lot and she was responsive to that, but isn't as driven herself. Or it could have been mutual or driven by her and she could be dissatisfied but not saying so. If the latter, then there's a potential issue. But if they're having great sex and happy with the frequency, there's no problem. Now my buddy thought once or twice a week was pretty good but now he's worried he's not keeping up and he feels intimidated that he's only had sex with her a few dozen times and she's had sex with her Ex thousands of times. She's also still friends with her Ex.... Is it a contest? He's with her now, and as long as she's being faithful to him, I don't see an issue here, other than his insecurities. Since she's still with him she probably feels like she traded up, right? So he needs to find out whether she's feeling sexually fulfilled, and if she is, I'd recommend letting this go.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

A difference between men and women OR the truth about sluts and playas. Posted: 10/31/2009 4:02:22 PM
And if everyone did sleep around "relatively safe ways" would fail due to simple statistics... eventually, evereyone would be infected with STI's... the small percentage points of risk would eventually overwhelm the healthy population... This is patently untrue. If you look at the statistics on infection, the chance that you'll be infected by an infected partner, in any given instance of unprotected sex, is generally fairly low. If everyone used barrier methods every time, the rate of infection would remain pretty small. As to people not being ethical: Well, you go with your gut and accept that there are risks. I know with every new person I sleep with, there are certain emotional risks that accompany that decision. I'm okay with that or I wouldn't be with that person to begin with. But I do think that socially punishing people who sleep around with greater frequency than you might is horrendously misguided at best. People who you know are misrepresenting their intentions, sure--but that's far from the same thing as deciding to have safer sex with a partner to whom they've promising nothing more than they plan to deliver.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Good While Dating, But not for Marriage or LTR Posted: 10/30/2009 5:49:58 AM
I'm with Babygirl on this one. Statistically, sex drops off over time in a marriage. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who wasn't interested in adding some kink into a long-term sexual relationship, or otherwise spicing things up? I hope to grow my sexual repertoire with a long-term partner, not shrink it. Think of all the new things you could try together! A lack of sexual adventure would be a deal-breaker for me long-term.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

Stripping and relationship.... Posted: 10/27/2009 4:09:21 PM
OP, I'm with Whytwater on the suggestion that you check out an amateur strip night. Many (most?) cities have them, and it would give you a chance to try things out without making any commitments to it. If this desire has been with you for a long time, it may well be something you won't be satisfied not having tried it. Once you do, you'll know whether it's something you can live without, or whether it's important enough to you to want to explore further. I have a friend who finally got into burlesque after years wanting to perform onstage, and later also worked briefly at a legal brothel in Nevada, another long-term goal of hers. She was married by that time, in a healthy and functioning relationship with her very supportive husband. She found the brothel experience was not what she was hoping for, but she did get to try it and didn't have to wonder about it. And yes, her hubby was there for her, is still, and they're going strong. There are definitely men who can handle this sort of thing (and many for whom it is a turn-on; I've had boyfriends who were very supportive of my amateur burlesque experiences), but it takes a very secure man.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 46 (view)

Does Sex Change How you feel ? Posted: 10/27/2009 2:02:42 PM
PiggyT: Yup, totally missed the sarcasm there. Happens a fair bit online, I think. Agreed on the pre-coital dialog, both on the "what are you looking for" and the "what's your STD status" fronts. I always have both conversations before hopping into bed with someone, even if it's on a second or third date.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Does Sex Change How you feel ? Posted: 10/26/2009 6:08:22 PM
Piggy: We definitely don't agree on those points. I don't make someone wait if I really like him, he really likes me, and we're both ready for sex. If I have sex with someone, it is precisely because I really like him. Sex is important to me, and I've never seen the point of arbitrary waiting if I already know I'm into someone. Incidentally, I've had great relationships come out of dating situations where sex happened within the first few dates. In my experience, at least with the people I date, it doesn't seem to matter how soon it happens if we already know we're into each other. It does make me a little more attached to someone, but since I'm already into someone if I want to have sex with him, I don't see it making a huge difference in that regard.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 64 (view)

STD's Posted: 10/25/2009 11:59:24 AM
There is is a sense of trust that your partner will tell you if they have an std and there is absolutely no need for your partner to prove that he/she got tested Except that there are plenty of people who WON'T disclose unless they're asked (and sometimes not even then). I have friends who've gotten STDs from partners who didn't disclose (one of those from a one-night stand, the rest from actual relationships with people they trusted), and also a couple friends who've gotten STDs from people who didn't know they had STDs at the time. A large number of HIV-positive people don't know they have the virus, which is where testing is extremely useful. There are a multitude of STDs where symptoms often don't show up at all. Then there's syphilis, where there's a little sore for a few days, which goes away, until you come down with more serious symptoms that, at first blush, won't appear to be STD-caused at all (joint pain, eventual blindness, etc). Many people won't disclose, and there are many more who don't disclose because they don't know they have an STD in the first place. If you're willing to leave your STD status up to fate, that's your prerogative, but it doesn't make of us who aren't, crazy or suspicious.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

STD's Posted: 10/25/2009 11:15:11 AM
my point is that asking this of your partner shows a serious lack of trust and some major insecurity issues. I also see asking those questions of your partner as a lack of respect for your partner. A person like that is unable to relax and enjoy the moment and so makes them an unsuitable date. This is patently untrue. It took me a while to take my sexual health into my own hands by becoming secure enough to have the STD talk with a new partner before hopping in bed together. I used to be too afraid that I might offend someone, but you know what?--I'm worth it, I have a right to ask about the risk levels with someone when sexual intimacy is imminent, and it takes guts to initiate that conversation. I do so because I respect myself enough to do what it takes to keep myself healthy, and also because I respect a new partner enough to want to disclose to them about risk levels and such. Doing so beforehand means we can both relax, enjoy, and not worry about that part of things anymore. I'm plenty uninhibited in bed, if I feel comfortable with a partner. Part of what makes me feel comfortable with a partner is knowing that he takes my sexual health seriously, as I do his. That conversation is a sign of mutual respect. You have every right to feel that being asked indicates a lack of trust and respect, to refuse to disclose, and to consider it a deal-breaker; but that conversation does not indicate some pathological complex in those of us who do initiate those conversations.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 98 (view)

Straight men and Anal play - yay or nay? Posted: 10/23/2009 9:41:56 AM
you need a real man baby. me> sissy guys Real men aren't horrified at the prospect of a little anal play. Only sissies are afraid of that.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

STD's Posted: 10/23/2009 6:46:06 AM
The bad news is that EFFECTIVE testing requires that BOTH of you be monogamous for a MINIMUM of 6 MONTHS prior to testing. Not entirely true. Effective testing requires that you haven't had sex with anyone else for a minimum of three months (HIV tests will produce antibodies in that amount of time these days--I was corrected by a practitioner on that last time I was tested). And that doesn't mean the tests aren't effective before that. It means that a couple diseases that take longer to detect--which, incidentally, are some of those that you're less likely to contract--won't necessarily show up on tests at that point if you've contracted them. You can rule out syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and chlamydia in early testing. It also depends upon what you and your partner are comfortable with. If you've had sex with someone in the past few months whose sexual history you know and are comfortable with, and your current partner is okay with that level of risk, then you can still safely rule out anything that might have been contracted prior to that last partner. It's not 100% risk-free, but it definitely diminishes the risk from where it was prior to that testing. You could, for instance, get those tests done before having sex with a new partner, then get tested again in a few months before dropping condoms if there's another form of birth control, for instance. There's always risk in sex, but knowing how to effectively minimize it in a way you're going to be realistically comfortable with (I, for instance, am NOT going to wait three months before having sex with a new partner!) is a useful skill.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

How do girls feel when the guy can't finish? Posted: 10/22/2009 7:05:51 PM
OP: My first BF didn't come from sex when I was with him (apparently it took him a while to learn to do so, and now he does, at least some of the time). I've certainly been with guys who often come during sex and just didn't come on X particular time. I don't come every time I have sex, either--sometimes, it doesn't happen or I don't need it. If everyone had fun and feels fulfilled at the end, does it really matter that much? I doubt it's the lack of your orgasm that's the problem here; either these girls were only looking for a one-night stand (most likely, I'd think), or there's something else going on. Be honest, don't fake anything, and don't worry about it.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 60 (view)

too much in debt? Posted: 10/17/2009 5:07:45 PM
It would depend to me upon the type of debt involved. Student loan debt is much different from credit card debt, for instance, and mortgage debt is also a normal, planned-for thing. As long as she's making her payments and doesn't have creditors all over her, and has workable plans for repayment, that doesn't necessarily show a lack of financial sense. Personally, I'm racking up the debt currently in the form of student loans. This is how I can afford to put myself through my graduate program, with help from federal financial aid. I will be very much in debt by the end, but I'll also have bettered my life, have different repayment options, and be able to make a much higher salary than I currently can. It's all in what form the debt takes and how someone has managed it, as far as I'm concerned.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Keeping Her Happy? Posted: 10/16/2009 11:08:12 AM
Kaylie hit the nail on the head with her post. And honestly? with his small penis? He was the BEST partner I had for girl on top b/c his penis hit my G spot perfectly that way - better than bigger guys. REmember, though, it's not a bouncing up and down action. It's sliding her back and forth. OP, I was with someone of similar size to you, and I had this same experience Kaylie is talking about--WAY better g-spot stimulation with a cck that size. Another position I've gotten into (so to speak) more recently is a version of missionary--you'd be on top, your partner beneath you on her back (though this would also work with her on her stomach), and your legs go on the outside of hers--as soon as you're inside her, she'll close her legs tight. It makes everything much tighter, also involves clitoral stimulation, and should allow her to feel more since that's an issue. As to lasting longer, I'd recommend masturbating to practice bringing yourself close to orgasm, and then backing off, over and over again. It's a skill, but men learn to do this all the time. But more to the point: What does your partner want from you sexually? Have you asked her what you can do to make sex more fulfilling for her? She's the one having sex with you, so her input should be paramount. And since this seems to be such an insecurity for you: The smaller partner I've had was dead sexy, and one reason is because he was so confident. Because of that, it never even occurred to me that I might be less than satisfied with his cck (which was, in fact, perfectly satisfying). I think your lack of confidence here is probably hurting the situation more than anything else.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 73 (view)

sexually frustrated Posted: 10/16/2009 9:03:13 AM
Yes, I've been with a number of guys like this. Partly, I think it helps that I'm not that shy about being a sexual person--it attracts the guys who make sex a priority (and sometimes it attracts the wrong guys who make sex a priority, but I also feel like I'm pretty good at filtering those guys out). Incidentally, one of my favorite partners, who could definitely go 2-3 times per night, was 37 when I was dating him. Once we'd had a couple dates and made out a bit, he e-mailed me and said (among other things) that he was definitely more a once-a-night type guy as opposed to a once-a-week type guy. He said so in a very respectful way, and since that's something that's a concern to me too, it was good to hear that from him. You might be able to do something similar with the guys you date--ask them how they feel about sex multiple times a night, etc. I also wonder: When you say you don't usually orgasm the first time around, is it that the sex doesn't take long enough for you? Can you orgasm from oral or manual sex, so that even if your partner can't go more than once, he can get you off some other way? There's a certain amount of trial and error, as it were, in finding a sexually compatible partner, but it might be useful to just come out with it and see how guys react to that.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 84 (view)

Would you date a cheater Posted: 10/16/2009 7:23:58 AM
It depends on the circumstances involved. For instance: a friend of mine cheated on his wife after X years of no sex in their marriage. This was a situational thing, for which he has taken responsibility. Would I date someone who'd been in that situation?--quite possibly, yes. I don't think the behavior is acceptable, but he's open about it, understands how it hurt his partner, etc. I might be willing to take that risk with someone who owned his mistake. I think communication has a lot to do with it. This probably won't be a popular viewpoint here, but: I think all relationships should involve open communication, and that people should be able to discuss the idea of opening up a relationship if there is that sort of temptation. I don't think humans are necessarily built to be monogamous--certainly not all of us--and it makes sense to me that if you've been with someone for ten or twenty years, you might both get an itch for something outside. How much healthier would it be if people just talked to their partners about that sort of thing? I would have a very low tolerance for the dishonesty of being cheated on precisely because any partner of mine could come to me and talk to me about that sort of thing (and yes, I will actually tell this to partners)--whatever the outcome of the discussion, I don't think the discussion itself should be verboten. Unilateral decisions on the shape of a relationship, however, are another matter. So: I wouldn't date a serial cheater, no. I might well date someone who had cheated in his past, owned that mistake, knew where I stood on it, and proved his trustworthiness to me. Another point: Just because someone hasn't cheated in the past doesn't mean they won't cheat, so cheating is ALWAYS a risk with a partner. Considering the frequency with which it happens, according to the statistics, I tend to think Dan Savage may be right that we should consider it a feature of a relationship, and not a fluke, which is why I think the doors should be open for these discussions instead of people reverting to dishonest behavior. It's not cheating if your partner consents (and not under duress, either). And because I'm sure someone who disagrees with accuse me of it: I've never cheated. Ever. Nor do I think I could. I'd sooner end a relationship than cheat on a partner, but only after having talked with my partner about it first.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 51 (view)

FWB: Mans view vs. a Womans Posted: 10/14/2009 5:54:48 PM
Wow, great and interesting comments people. I love how some come off very high moral and actually very condesending, still others are emotionally pragmatic and deceidly amoral. I don't think anyone is "decidedly amoral" here. Those of us who've had FWBs seem to have had understandings, made sure everyone was okay with things, etc. My own behavior in my FWB relationships has been very moral, making sure communication was open, that we were on the same page, that we respected each other, etc. My morality would have required an ending of the sexual component of that relationship if my partner had gotten more attached than I did, for instance; likewise, my last FWB and I had a stated agreement to tell the other if we had any outside sexual contact. There's a sense of obligation to a friend in that, which is moral behavior. I know of people who have acted amorally in sexual relationships, but I don't think that typifies FWB arrangements; at the very least, there's nothing inherently amoral (or immoral, for that matter) about them.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Do guys worry too much about the physical? Posted: 10/14/2009 8:50:40 AM
The most important thing in a lover is his attentiveness, IMO. If I feel comfortable with someone, he makes it clear he wants to be with me (and vice versa), and we're both attentive to each other and sexually compatible, it's probably going to be pretty good. However, having a lover with tricks up his sleeve is fun. I like trying new things, I like knowing my partner is adventurous enough to bring new things into the bedroom. So if he says, "Hey, I read about this technique for ___ and I wanted to try it with you", that's a good thing. The biggest thing with technique is to pay attention to her reactions. If something isn't working for her, then it doesn't matter whether everyone else said it's the best thing ever--it's still not working for her, and moving on would be a good idea. Technique is no replacement for an attentive lover. farceur: The woman who is not already primed for sex just by being with her man is defective, in my view. She looks to him to make up for her lack of responsiveness, which is based in her weird ideas to begin with, like the one about being wanted for her mind not just her vagina. That bespeaks a seriously ignorant view of relationships and sexuality, and that ignorant view is the problem, and one that playing into it won't but compound and perpetuate. I actually agree generally with what you're saying, but I think it's unfair to characterize someone as "defective" because someone's libido is lower. Not for you, sure, but to call someone defective strikes me as both ignorant and unfair.

namrael

Joined: 8/10/2008

Msg: 44 (view)

FWB: Mans view vs. a Womans Posted: 10/13/2009 8:59:27 PM
The benefits I've gotten from my FWB arrangements have always been sex and cuddling, and the friendship that we had before we got sexual together. I wouldn't expect anything else just because I was sleeping with someone, though FWB does mean, to me, someone you're already friends with where you add a sexual component to that friendship. Incidentally, I would recommend FWB arrangements to people who need a sexual outlet but haven't met someone they want as a romantic partner. People get hurt if expectations aren't aligned and they aren't communicating, but if everything works well, it can be good for all concerned.

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