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 Author Thread: Condoning Atheism.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Condoning Atheism.
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:15:21 AM

Oh boy im getting a backlash though.
From whom? It's nobody's business but your own family's what your religious beliefs/practices are.


I wolud prefer her to take a more spiritual path, but i amnot her and she is not me, thus i give my loving permission for her to believe in whe wants to.
She's just a kid, she's got plenty of time to find a spiritual path if that's in her future. Just being open to allowing her to explore is more than most parents give their kids.


I have tried to discuss this with family and close friends, but ended up bombarded by everyone from my mother in law from from the teacher to her estranged bio-father on how im poisioning her by telling her it is ok tio be an atheist.
Again, it's nobody's business what her religious beliefs are/aren't. If you choose to discuss those things with others though, then you can expect that they will put their beliefs into the mix as much as possible. Religion is not a "reasoned" thing though, it's a matter of faith and emotion. You and a religious person are not even speaking the same language, so reasoned discussion isn't possible. Try just saying "I respect your views, please respect mine," and leave it at that. And if they don't, then say "we have to go now, call us when you have enough respect for us to accept us for who we are."

The teacher is way out of bounds though.

(unrelated question --- I thought your daughter and her father were building a relationship, why is he the "estranged bio-father"?)
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Bday party ediquette
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:40:49 AM
Sorry but when my kids were small and we had parties I was forever counting heads and reining in wandering kids and making sure everyone was accounted for. If someone walked out with a kid in your charge, then yes that was rude of them to not say something to you, but safety issues are a bigger deal than etiquette issues and you allowed a child to disappear. I'm glad the child walked off with its own parent and not someone else.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
TV for Toddlers
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:41:17 AM
My kids are teenagers and we have one smallish TV in the basement. No screens in their rooms, computers are all "public." When we watch tv, we watch tv. When it's on, it's because somebody's watching it. They watch all kinds of crap like Family Guy etc. and I watch all kinds of junk like Mentalist etc. I'm not anti-tv. I'm anti-multitasking. Even the radio is on when someone is listening to it ... we listen to This American Life podcasts, and we are literally laying around on couches or on the floor while we listen, staring at the ceiling and totally immersed in the stories.

Let the imagination go, don't stifle it by constant noise all the time. That just seems so unfair to do to kids.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
TV for Toddlers
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:41:26 AM

In my house our TV is on all day to TreeHouse TV ...
...I rarely see her actually looking at the tv...
... I think she's actually becoming desensitized to it being on...
.... She doesnt seem to care if its there or not...

I don't understand why you would have it on at all then. Silence is where your own thoughts and creativity have time and space to bubble up and manifest. If there's always noise, then there isn't room for [your child's full potential of] daydreaming. Daydreaming is where all the good stuff comes from.


Im thinking because its not "special" for the tv to be on she isnt really going to bother with it when she gets a bit older.

It seems to me the opposite would be true. When people are in the habit of always having background noise then they don't know what to do with silence. I see it all the time and it's really sad.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Not The Momma
Posted: 10/15/2009 7:02:19 PM
I didn't use a specific time, and I definitely didn't use their bedroom as a place of punishment. When my kids were small I just had them sit on the steps until they chilled out. Then I would sit down & talk with them about what happened and how they could do whatever it was differently the next time.

Now that they are teenagers I look back on those days and wish it could be so simple!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
To baptise.. or not..
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:15:57 PM
I don't believe in a god or gods, but my boys were baptised in the Catholic church. It was important to their father, and since it wasn't important to me, I didn't mind at all. The priest knew I wasn't Catholic and that I was planning to expose them to all religions and let them find their own path. I have brought them up to respect people's beliefs or unbeliefs regardless of what they personally thought about them, as long as the people were kind and positive people. My mother is religious and she has always been welcome to share her religious beliefs with my boys --- I think freetime's response to his mother giving a religious card to his children (noted above and, sadly, quoted as a good thing by others) was mean-spirited and hateful. That's the worst response possible to differing beliefs --- it encourages kids to hate, mock, and belittle others. Like there isn't enough of that in the world already.

If my children's father or my mother or anyone else tried to teach them that they or I were going to burn in he||, or that any one religion is objectively "right" (as opposed to being personal beliefs based on faith), then I would have asked them to back off. But mutual respect is a beautiful thing, and I would encourage you, OP, to try to respect your family's beliefs instead of standing firmly in opposition to them. "Original sin" is a BIG DEAL to Christians. Having your little one baptised means a lot of peace of mind to the grandparents, and it's not something you have to agree with or believe in to do. If you can think of it as a kindness to them, rather than a battle over principles, then you might see where they are coming from a bit more clearly.

Whatever you do, I hope your thanksgiving (and future holidays) go smoothly.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 48 (view)
 
I can act like a man - You make me feel like a man
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:53:30 AM
Whoa, SoTexMan ... I just read your profile. Bummer that you are 3 hardiness zones away. Chomsky and Springsteen? Be still my heart.

Also bummer that you wrote your post three years ago. Threads ought to be retired after a few months so that conversations can actually continue among the people who post in them.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
People scared to get married and have children
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:41:57 PM
The one who dumped her boyfriend is in therapy and the therapist has told her to stay away from her mother for now because she's toxic. My friend feels that they have to re-establish some kind of relationship with her if they are going to move on with their lives.
She should do what she is comfortable doing and your friend should support her regardless of whether he thinks she ought to do something else. It's her mother, her relationship, her therapy.


I've seen this pattern before - where adult kids say they don't want to reproduce their messed-up childhoods so they avoid having their own families. Yet others make a conscious effort to break the pattern and they manage to succeed.
How is it that the measure of "success" is "having their own families"? Maybe success means having a full and happy life. Maybe success means something different to other people than it does to you. There are tons of people out there who "have their own families" and are not successful by any stretch!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Harder to involve one's self with women with male teens versus female teens?
Posted: 10/3/2009 1:33:04 PM
I have two teen boys and it hasn't been a problem for anyone I've known. Also it's not a problem for my boys, as they're pretty easygoing and would be happy to see me dating more than I do. Anyone who had a problem with my family situation wouldn't be a good match anyway, so it's as good a filter as any.

(On the other hand I think I would be a bit skeeved out if someone was interested in me because I have boys rather than girls, or vice versa, or was pleased because I had a child of a certain age.)
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Vegetarian Potluck
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:44:54 AM
The sweet potato green bean turnovers look like an interesting recipe but PLEASE, please don't use premade refrigerated pie crusts. They are made with LARD and are not suitable for vegetarians at all. Things like that seem to omnivores like they shouldn't be a big deal, but to non-meat-eaters they are.

An easy pie crust is 1.5 cups pastry flour, 1/2 cup olive oil, a dash or two of salt, and 3-6 tbsp. almond milk. Make sure all the ingredients are COLD, and blend together, first with a fork, then with your hands. Put it in the fridge to chill for a while before rolling it out.


Here's a really good vegetarian meatloaf:

1 cup dried lentils
1/4 cup wheat germ
1 cup bread crumbs
1/2 cup brown rice (already cooked)
1 minced onion
3 cloves minced garlic
3 eggs
1 tsp. each oregano & thyme
1 Tbsp. soy sauce
1/4 cup ketchup
1 tbsp. olive oil
1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
salt & pepper to taste

Cook the lentils (60-90 minutes in water), then drain & mash. Mix all the ingredients together & put it all in a greased 9x5 loaf pan. Cover and bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes. I put a pan of chunky sweet potatoes, onions & garlic in olive oil in the oven at the same time.

Deeeee lish.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
From the US pooint of view (custody)
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:41:09 PM
Nobody here could possibly know enough to answer that question fairly.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Holiday or Birthday Cards, Do you help your kids or nothing?
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:57:18 PM
That's really sh|tty of your ex to do that.

My kids always made things at father's day for their father, and I encouraged them to wrap up artwork from school & stuff like that as gifts for him. There were times he wouldn't accept gifts because they came from "me" in his mind instead of from the kids, and there was a time not long ago when my (now teenage) son handed him a gift he'd wrapped for him several years earlier (they hadn't seen him at all in that time). But there was never a time when it was ok for me, the custodial parent, to purposefully exclude him from their lives. That's cheating the child more than it cheats the other parent.


Other than sending the occasional card or support check how much are you a part of your daughters life? Do you spend vacations with her? Do you go to visit? Spotty support is not going to gain any brownie points with the Mom we all know that. She may consider back child support 100% more important than your birthday.
That's no excuse. My ex is tens of thousands of dollars in arrears and chooses not to see my boys, but that's completely separate from my obligation to make sure they do their part in whatever relationship they have with him. If they grow up being told they don't have to do kind things for their father on holidays and birthdays etc. based on what he has or hasn't given them, then they'll become the kind of people who don't do kind things for other people unless there's something in it for them. That's not the kind of person I want to raise.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Amazing Black Bean Brownies!
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:21:47 PM
I made these a few days ago, they were great. I used agave nectar for the sweetener, about a half-cup. Thanks, OP, for posting the recipe.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
When you walk let your heart lead the way
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:39:30 AM

I just stay in the 'now' alot.
Although that's not much of a deep answer.

On the contrary, it's about as deep as it gets IMO. And it's really really hard to do!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
When you walk let your heart lead the way
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:42:48 AM

One way to be more open to others is to be more open to our own feelings, to take note of how we’re feeling, to check in with how we’re doing in general or how we feel about something in particular or someone.

And it is said that when we trust, we are really trusting ourselves. Though I don’t have a perfect grasp of what that means entirely, I think it’s about knowing that we’ll be OK, we’ll be able to take care of ourselves, we’ll deal with the strong and sometimes negative emotions that are stirred within us as we learn to face our vulnerabilities in day-to-day life and in close and intimate relationships with others.

When we trust that we’ll be OK, when we know that we’ll take care of ourselves, then we can live more fully, more boldly – we can risk loving and being loved, knowing we won’t be overwhelmed with our own feelings in times of disappointment or elation.

I think that accepting our vulnerability is a very big part of this. Treating the weak and imperfect parts of ourselves with compassion, "re-patriating" the parts of ourselves and our feelings that are lost and disowned and denied - I think this is imperative in living life from the heart.

And I think many of us are almost instinctively drawn to others who live in this way and wish to have them in our lives. They give us permission to be whole and complete ourselves, imperfect, fallible, sometimes weak, rather than the fractured self-image of the ideal heroic self, always knowing, always strong, always charming, always in control.

That's good stuff, ohdriver. Thanks for posting it, it's worth reflecting on & coming back to.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
widow needs advice on custody issue
Posted: 9/23/2009 5:52:23 PM
I hope that you can work things out, OP, so that you can rebuild a solid relationship with your daughter, and that she can also maintain the very important relationship she has with the family that took her in when her father died.

My ex was 9 when his father died. He vividly remembers spending the next few months with an aunt, as his mother was pregnant at the time and gave birth soon after to his younger brother. He felt absolutely abandoned by both parents, and quite set adrift, especially as the family he was returned to was not the same as the one he had left. I asked his mother about it once, and she told me that he was sent to his aunt's *when his mother went into labor* and went home *three days later.* The separation from his mother was so hard for him after his father's death, that it felt like months of abandonment, even though it was no longer than an uneventful childbirth and recovery.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
double standard in single parent dating
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:27:47 PM

This is the same man who would not see me when he has his kids, but expects that I can drop everything to meet him for dinner.
You keep using that word, "expects." You don't know what this guy expected when he asked you out to dinner. He invited you to drop everything to meet him for dinner. That's not the same as expecting you to. Couldn't you have answered, "I'd love to but I've got the kids tonight. How about tomorrow, I'll get a sitter."

I just don't see anything about these guys expecting you to open your home after the kids are in bed, or expecting you to go out at the drop of a hat. They're just enjoying your company and taking you up on your invitations.

You have more control over your life than it sounds like you think you have. That goes for your social life too.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Single parents, are they abusing the welfare system?
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:50:27 AM
A huge amount of the money that goes toward welfare actually goes toward the "system" rather than the recipients. I worked for 3 years as a contractor to my county's child support law unit. Our firm represented the county in pursing child support from noncustodial parents where the custodial parent was receiving assistance from the county. The idea was to get the county's expenditures reimbursed as much as possible from noncustodial parents who weren't paying their child support.

Here's the thing though. The custodial parents were receiving assistance in amounts that were basically a subsistence living. They had housing assistance, food stamps, and/or maybe a TANF payment (that's the cash assistance limited to 5 years max). Overall what each individual received wasn't all that much, and it was never enough to get out of poverty. If they did get jobs that paid a decent wage (essentially impossible as there was no affordable transportation from inner-city housing to suburban-based jobs, etc.) they would lose their benefits, so they could never save anything or earn enough to get out of poverty.

Now on the other side of the coin was the attempt to get that money back. My firm employed 4 attorneys and the various support staff a law firm uses. The county employed six people at worker and supervisor levels who were assigned to the legal unit. And the Family Court had three magistrates who heard these cases in court, each with several clerks and support staff who kept the wheels of justice turning. All of these people earned a living wage plus benefits etc. to pursue reimbursements from noncustodial parents who didn't work, were in jail, had a half-dozen or more kids, worked under the table, were illiterate, were unskilled, etc. So the average support order was for about $50/month, and arrears were capped at $500. So a dozen-plus people were being paid professional wages to collect nickels and dimes from unemployed/unemployable people. When I began there, the county had a job-training/placement program that ran on a shoestring budget. It was essentially one county worker (and he was great at what he did) who worked with employers in the area to get them to be willing to employ people with sketchy histories, ex-cons, etc., he worked with the noncustodial parents to teach them how to understand the bus routes so they could get to work, sometimes teaching them how to tell time so they could get to work on time! Collections from parents who went through his program were much higher than from the general population. But a year into my tenure there his program was cut due to budget constraints. So he was transferred to the legal unit where instead of helping people become more responsible, he became part of the "system" that punishes them for not being responsible. And collections decreased.

It is a very screwed up system that gives people very small fish, one at a time, but not only doesn't teach them to fish on their own but punishes them for trying.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
double standard in single parent dating
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:45:49 PM
OP there are discussions here all the time among single parents wondering when it's appropriate to have someone you're dating meet your kids, or whether it's ok to have dates come over after the children are in bed, etc. It's different for everyone. You feel it's ok at one stage of a relationship, and that's fine if that's what works for you. Other parents make other decisions based on what they feel is right for their families. It sounds like you're dating a lot of people casually ("many of the men I am dating") rather than one person exclusively so it's worth considering that people often feel differently when in a LTR than when they're casually dating.

And it's definitely different for full-time custodial parents than it is for parents who don't have their kids all the time. I wouldn't call it a double standard though, I would just call it a different lifestyle. It's easier for parents who have their kids part-time to keep their dating and parenting lives separate. Again the question is bound to come up in a LTR about when to combine the two, but when casually dating many people who don't get to see their kids all the time would choose to give their kids 100% of their attention during the time they are together rather than going on a date.

It sounds like you feel resentful about putting more into these relationships than the men you're dating are putting into them. If you're feeling these relationships are off-balance, then instead of expecting them to be more available to you, it might be worth considering being less available to them.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Flakey Girl after the 3rd date.. Opinions please?!?!
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:16:17 PM
What you describe isn't my understanding of "flaking" but if it isn't working for you then move on. And although texting isn't my thing a lot of people use it consistently to communicate so I wouldn't put any weight on the text-vs.-phone issue, it's just a different personal preference than yours.

I wouldn't want a guy to take my picture at the zoo on the second date either, even if things were going well. The second date isn't exactly "making shared memories" time, it's still "getting to know you" time.



She wasn't a bombshell but I was actually really attracted to her personality at the time.
This is the beginning of sour grapes (she wasn't my type anyway, she wasn't that hot, etc.) Move on.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
What do you teach your daughters about boys and sex?
Posted: 9/19/2009 11:41:12 AM

Often in this forum topic and on others, there is great debate over who is responsible for birth control and very little consensus.


There shouldn't be any debate about it. Every single person who is having sex should be responsible for birth control. Nobody, male or female, should rely on somebody else to take care of things the way they want things taken care of. If you want a job done right, do it yourself. Especially if disease and/or pregnancy can result from not doing it right!


There is also a lot of negativity directed at women who get pregnant without "planning" with the father. The "fathers" seem to often get a ride in those situations because women have options other than raising the child that men do not have. They seem to be excused of all moral responsibility and the women are scorned.


The majority of people who post in this forum are women, both regular posters and newcomers. So it stands to reason that women would be discussed more.

Besides, once a pregnancy exists, it's the woman's decision whether it continues and becomes a baby, or whether it ends. It's a woman's right to choose, not a potential-parent's right to choose. So whereas men can screw up once by creating a pregnancy, women have additional opportunities to screw up by maintaining it, keeping the child, etc.

Although in this forum, it's mostly just a couple of trolls (or one with several sockpuppets) who get their rocks off by piling on young mothers and derailing their threads with "well why did you get pregnant in the first place?" strawmen.


With that in mind, and perhaps because of your own personal experiences in life, what do you say to your daughters about boys/men and sex?


Well I don't have daughters but I tell my boys that they're responsible for their own lives, and to act/plan accordingly. I've told the older one (15) that if he's ever even close to thinking about sex with someone, he should first consider whether he wants to be tethered to that person until he's my age. (It's probably time to start telling my 13-year-old that too.) And my last best hope is to remind them how much I love babies, and tell them that whoever makes me a grandmother first will have me living next door to them for the rest of their lives. It's worked so far...neither one of them want that!


If those shots ensure that she could wind up avoiding cervical cancer, why the hell would I not?


They don't ensure any such thing, not by a long shot.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
The type of people you attract here?
Posted: 9/18/2009 4:33:56 PM
I don't see an overall trend among people who contact me. But of those who I go on to email a few times with or talk on the phone, they all seem to be rather unhappy people. Within a short time they are complaining about work, or POF, or women, or the weather, or whatever. A few people have been more positive or at least neutral, and we've gone on to meet in person, but no mutual sparks.

But yeah, if there's one thing that seems to be consistent it's that they're kind of Debbie Downers.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 48 (view)
 
would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:26:56 PM
Chicagostyle you might like the flylady's site

www.flylady.net

It will give you a fresh perspective on cleaning, maybe help break that unpleasant association you have with your mother. It's funny the associations we have long after the fact ... I have a weird memory of my father's death that bubbles up out of my subconscious every time I fill ice trays. Strange.

Anyway the flylady is a great motivator, full of ideas and tips too, if you're open to changing some of your cleaning routines.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:59:21 PM
Your new haircut looks great, karma1160!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Advice needed on jogging
Posted: 9/15/2009 1:58:19 PM

The Frees give you SOMEWHAT of a barefoot feel in that your feet are sitting relatively flat, there's enough width in the forefoot so that your toes aren't squeezed together and therefore your feet can be completely relaxed, and there are no annoying "stability" gizmos designed to manipulate your feet's biomechanics. On asphalt and concrete I can run up to about 12-13 miles in them right now, and it's nice how they leave the bottoms of my feet slightly sore the next day.
Thanks edsta, I'm collecting as many opinions as I can before deciding. I have a neuroma in my left foot so I like what you've said about the space in the toebox. Right now my old runners are actually the "only" shoes I have that don't aggravate it, so I'm sticking with them, but at some point (soon) I'll have to replace them.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Sprouted whole grain health nut bread recipe (long)
Posted: 9/15/2009 1:40:21 PM
Yum =) I keep bread to a minimum in my house, but sprouted bread at least has more nutrients the body can use. I make hummus out of sprouted chickpeas, and I sprout lentils before cooking them, but I haven't tried sprouted breads yet. Maybe this winter, when the cozy comforting smell of bread baking is really appreciated!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
If you were to marry again, would it HAVE to be with your children's blessing?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:17:06 PM

Or a scenario (this is more geared toward a mother and her son) where it took a long time for you to let someone else in your life, and through that time you and yours spent so much time together you had a bond, where he just basically became like the man of the house. (Not in a sexual way, just where he became protective of you) and was hesitant to see someone else take over that space.
A mother who allows her son to take on the responsibility of becoming "the man of the house" is not doing right by him. She's taking his childhood away from him because she's alone, and that's not fair. He's still a child, and she's the adult.

My older son has, on occasion, expressed a desire to earn money or do other things to "take over" for me --- a couple of weeks ago he wanted to go with me when I bought a new car. I think kids need to know the situation in an age-appropriate way, but parents need to reassure them that it's not "their" problem to solve. That goes for new partners too. Kids need to know they're loved and cared for in any new relationship their parents are involved in, but they shouldn't have the responsibility (or power) of deciding whether or not a new marriage happens. Let kids be kids.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Support groups.
Posted: 9/15/2009 11:34:06 AM
When my kids were small and I was on my own with them, I joined a single-parents group in my city --- it wasn't a support group though, it was more of a non-dating social group. They did things for grownups only, for kids, for families, for teens, etc. Camping trips, cookouts, dances, etc. For every three adults-only activities you went on, you had to volunteer to babysit during another one --- that way all the parents got time off and all the parents contributed to other parents' time off. It was really great fun. I think social isolation is the hardest part of single parenting.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 11:25:53 AM

and a few times.. a female.. one whom said
"take my hand, I'll stand by you, you can count on me"...
That's a sweet image soldierbyte ... even moreso because it's not the image you usually portray here =)
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:10:22 AM
I don't know the answer to what you're trying to figure out about yourself, OP, but I'm not sure the introvert/extrovert labels apply the way you're talking about them. Introversion/extroversion is only one aspect of Myers-Briggs. Extroverts are energized by social interaction; introverts are enervated by it. That doesn't mean they process information differently. I'm quite introverted but I process things verbal/interactively; I like going out with friends etc.; introversion just means I need time on my own to recharge afterwards.

It sounds like you just wanted to chill & have a quiet weekend. That happens to everyone. Summer is over; it's back-to-school time, back-to-routines and all that. Maybe you're just keyed into the rhythm of the seasons and are just connected more with your yin side than your yang right now. We all have both sides.

Have you been online more than usual? Are you "processing verbally" by posting here rather than talking with friends? Do you feel like your time alone/at home has been well-spent, or are you spinning your wheels and antsy about it? I ask these questions because I think a weekend or two of wanting to chill out rather than hang out doesn't seem like a personality change to me, or indicative of some kind of age- or gender-related trend.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Advice needed on jogging
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:22:15 PM
Edsta do you have any thoughts on the Nike Free running shoes?
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
I am so proud..................
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:18:59 PM

It is a shame and saddens me too, that sometimes our lives change beyond our control and it ends up affecting our children. And if we are able to pick up the pieces and continue to keep our kids healthy happy and wise then we should be proud of ourselves. what will pouting and whining solve. Be possitive and proud!!!!
Singlesuperdad you are one of the few posters in this forum who doesn't seem to have his own agenda to push. The OP is proud of having made the best of a situation that didn't turn out the way she'd planned. She took a minute out of a very busy day to say, out loud, "yeah, I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it." Single parents are full of self-doubt and second-guess themselves all the time --- saying "I think I'm doing this right!" out loud once in a while is very positive and healthy --- and good for the children as a result!

I'm not surprised at most of the posts in this thread, but I was pleasantly surprised by yours. I hope the OP is able to blow off the judgmental peanut gallery and keep cheerfully doing right by her kids, just as I'm doing and as I'm sure you're doing too. Peace =)
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Advice needed on jogging
Posted: 9/14/2009 11:03:06 AM
Every other day, 5-minute walk to warm up and 5-minute walk to cool down. Stretch before if you want to, but afterward definitely. Cross-train (do something different) on alternate days, and rest one day a week.

Check out the couch-to-5k program if you want --- it's a great way to get started. Several people have made podcasts to listen to while you run too, which is great.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
In Memoriam
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:56:51 PM
lol raszamatazz ... my dear old dad god rest his soul, he never really had a favorite recipe ... his mum (my nana) boiled everything down to mush, and his wife (my mum) was a pretty awful cook too. When they were first married she packed his lunch for him: cold leftover baked potato. This was before microwave ovens. I can imagine his face when he opened the bag. Over the years he gave names to some of her meals ... "gross chicken," "uninspired casserole," "meatblob." LOL she didn't mind though, since she didn't care for cooking and so didn't take offense.

I love to cook, but as a result of my kitchen-deficient upbringing I'm more enthusiastic than skilled at it. It's a wonder my siblings and I can cook at all!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Anyone in the Roanoke Salem area on here real?
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:46:32 AM
I've met a handful of men from the Roanoke area and although we didn't "click" they were nice enough people.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
suggestions needed for lunch on the trail
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:12:25 AM
Peanut butter and blueberries rolled up in a tortilla. Or sliced cheese and veggies with a hummus spread, again rolled up in a tortilla. Tortillas are compact & not messy. Make sure you have plenty of water!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Her sister is coming
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:33:59 AM

...I just don't see the romantic days happening for a while as she'll probably be 'forced' to look after her sister.

Your girlfriend won't be forced to do anything. She is an adult and will make her own decisions. You can and should communicate with her about your preferences, and if she makes choices that don't work for you, you get to make your own decisions as well.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 11:04:29 AM
The best love affair is the effortless one: A simple harmony of like-minded souls.
I don't know, RanRan, I think that line of thinking is what keeps people from putting any effort into relationships, and instead break up when the going gets rough. I'm all for compatibility, but I think effortlessness is a myth. True compatibility has more to do with two people being mutually agreeable about compromise than it does with how well they "match" on paper (or on a POF profile, which is even less like real life!)

As heavily as the OP is moderating her own thread, it seems unlikely to me that she is interested in meeting anyone in the middle.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:08:41 AM

I don't know that any of this means they are thinking they can change you. It sounds more like there are things they can overlook or simply have no problem with -- that you smoke, that you are dedicated to your animals, that you are only available after 5 p.m.

So what they are thinking is that your lifestyle does not present an obstacle to them or a reason not to approach you. They do not find these differences to be "deal breakers."
I agree. I would think the differences the OP brought up are the kinds of things that are dealbreakers for some but definitely not dealbreakers for others. If they're dealbreakers for you, that's ok, but it doesn't mean the other person is being disingenuous.


When you like someone, you do tend to work around certain things. Not change, exactly -- but accommodate.
Yep. It's about being flexible and open to mutual accommodation, not finding someone who fits into my life exactly how it is right now.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Concerns about my current custody battle... Advise?
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:04:17 AM

The judge at our last conference insisted that we work on our communication before she handed down any final custody decisions in hopes that we would be able to look past the continuous hatred and animosity that most couples go through during the divorce process especially when a child is involved.
First of all most couples don't have continuous hatred and animosity. Secondly what have you done to work on your communication with your ex?


I am seeking a joint custody arrangement because I want to be actively involved in all decisions regarding my daughter but know my ex well enough to know she will do everything in her power to alienate my daughter from me and poison her mind.
A joint custody arrangement can only work if you and your child's mother can work together harmoniously and in a joint effort to put the child's needs first. Otherwise it's 18 years of conflict for your child. Is that how you want her to grow up?


I don't understand why women become so vindictive after divorce. What gains to they expect to accomplish by using the child as an Ace card?
You don't know anything about "women." You know about your ex, and your perspective is skewed by your own emotional involvement. Do what you can to improve your daughter's situation by eliminating the hostility you feel toward your ex. That's the ONLY thing in this situation that you have any control over, but you're in luck because it's also the one thing that has a chance of improving the situation overall.


thatusernameistaken: It sounds like your relationship with your ex is going to be one that you need to formalize all the details with. No "verbal" agreements. Also, keep in mind that written, signed agreements also mean nothing unless they are filed through the court (I found that out the hard way).
This was my experience as well. Keep emails and document everything. But lose the hate, because she's your child's mother and your child deserves for her mother to be treated with respect. And especially lose the woman-hate, because it's bullsh|t.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Child support...
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:42:16 PM


Living well is not the best revenge.
Revenge is toxic.
Forgiveness, and acceptance, and trying to do your best in an imperfect world will lead to Living well.

QFT.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Trying to be careful with religious choices for my daughter.
Posted: 9/2/2009 8:02:20 PM
Oh my gosh! This is such an important subject and this thread is ridiculous! OP I can see where your concern comes from. You were raised in one tradition and have found a spiritual home in another. The one you left has cultural and familial ties for your daughter that are important, so keeping her from that tradition means keeping her from an important part of her family history and culture. Of course you want her to be connected with her grandmother but it worries you to risk exposing her to other religious choices in the process. On top of it all is your own religious questioning ... if you have a crisis of faith, where does that leave your daughter?

My response is to say "relax"! (If you can.) I believe that children take their cues from the adults in their lives --- if she sees that you have a problem reconciling the two religious approaches, then she will have a problem with them as well. If she sees that you can respect both paths, and respect the people who follow either path, then she will too. My kids have been raised by an atheist mom who practices zen buddhism, and for the past year we've attended a Unitarian Universalist church, where religious education from preschool on up is pretty much an age-appropriate "comparative religion" course --- last year they went to a fundamentalist Christian youth service and a Hindu temple, taught one of the little kids' classes how to meditate, had a Passover seder, and hosted Mormons and Catholics. None of the kids at our church have any confusion whatsoever. One of my boys self-identifies as a buddhist but really likes the idea of Christianity and may end up being a believer, and the other calls himself an atheist. When they were little and they told my Catholic mother that I didn't believe in God, my mother said "that's ok, God believes in your mom." No problem at all, and they went to church with her whenever she visited.

Kids don't have a problem integrating differing viewpoints ... at least not until we teach them that they should have a problem with it. Your daughter will be able to handle both religions ... and she'll have a richer understanding of "faith" if you are honest with her about where you are on your own spiritual path. Good luck to you both as you make your way.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Child taking on the last name of a new spouse
Posted: 9/1/2009 5:59:12 PM

I wouldn't do it. My son has my ex's last name because that's his son and IMHO I just feel kids should have their dad's last name only unless he's a deadbeat.
My boys' father is a deadbeat, but they have his last name and it's not my place to change it! Not because he's their father, but because it's the name they were given at their birth and it's theirs, not mine, to keep or change as they see fit. If it were my last name on their birth certificates, I wouldn't think it's my place to change it either. Whatever name a child is given when he is born is his name, and ought not to be changed at all unless/until such time as he wants to change it.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Awareness of sex offenders in your local area
Posted: 9/1/2009 5:41:14 PM
carterscutie that's exactly why I tell my boys (15 and 13) that I don't care how genuine their feelings are, I don't care how mature the girl seems to be, they are not allowed to date or get involved with any girl younger than them. I am usually the sensible parent, not prone to scare-tactics and horror-stories to get my kids to do things my way, but in this case I show them every story I see about young men being labeled as sex offenders because their high-school girlfriend was younger than them, or because a girl's father got pissed that his princess wasn't a virgin, or someone wanted revenge after a breakup. It happens all the time --- just like we read all the time here about angry ex's calling child services out of spite --- only once you're labeled a sex offender there's no undoing it.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Cucumber salad
Posted: 8/31/2009 5:19:39 AM
Fresh cucumber salad that's good for you!

thinly sliced cukes (I like the little unwaxed pickling cukes sliced long w/a cheese slicer)
thinly sliced vidalia onions
rice vinegar (seasoned or unseasoned)
salt & pepper to taste

Let it sit for an hour or two before eating. Soooo delicious and crisp and refreshing!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Learning disability
Posted: 8/29/2009 10:03:49 AM
Being in a smaller school means there's probably more friendly academic competition among the students. She knows she's a little bit on the outside of that and that's hard for a teenager, especially combined with being the new kid at that age! The other kids grew up in that kind of academic environment and your daughter didn't.

My older son struggles in school and we moved just before high school too. Added to the mix is the fact that my younger son is an academic whiz-kid, so my older son is surrounded by kids who seemingly never struggle & have loads of free time while he has to work super-hard for Bs and Cs.

What has helped my son is (1) insisting that he do his level best and being happy with whatever results come from that; and (2) encouraging and supporting the things that he excels in and loves so that he knows he has valuable gifts and talents of his own. In my son's case that's music, skateboarding, animals and kids. (This summer he worked as a "big-brother" for a neighborhood kid--taught him how to skate and gave him guitar lessons. He has also worked on a horse farm, mucking out stalls in exchange for riding lessons--that was great!)

Unfortunately, the only way we judge a kid's value and worth is through academic achievement (some kids do sports, but overall, academics are the only thing quantitatively measured for every child). Once a kid is out of school, there are tons of ways to measure success, but for the formative years, academics are it. If your daughter is able to say (even to herself), "biology isn't my strong suit but you should see me _______," then getting extra help for biology won't be such a humiliation.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Ever dated someone who's child hung the moon and center of the world while your child ignored?
Posted: 8/29/2009 8:32:59 AM

I'll hang out with him and his child,
So even after seeing him treat your child like crap you're going to hang out with him and his child?! Why?


I just hope to have the chance to talk to him in 6 months and see how much fun he's had!
Good grief why? Move on. Even if for whatever reason, you don't think you deserve better, at least kick this guy to the curb for your daughter's sake.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
How does dating on POF work?
Posted: 8/26/2009 2:57:57 PM
Anyhow, this conversation has gone totally off course. So, if anybody has advice on how to handle dating on POF, I'd love to hear about it.
I'm as monogamous as you, OP, but internet dating is different. Try to consider talking to people via email & the phone, meeting and going out on a few dates, as "getting to know someone before deciding whether to date them" & you'll be on the right track. In the real world, you usually know someone at least a little bit already before anyone asks anyone out. The getting-to-know-you phase happens without attention being paid to it. But online, the getting-to-know-you phase happens in what feels like a "dating" scenario. Until you & the person you're getting to know talk about pursuing an exclusive relationship, there's nothing wrong with talking with & meeting other people. I haven't met anyone yet where there was a mutual attraction, but if I do, then the point at which something physical and/or emotional transpires would probably be the point at which I'd say "I'm still talking with other people from POF but I'm really starting to like you & I'd like to see where this goes -- do you feel the same?"

(Also, I wouldn't be caught dead in stiletto heels, and my hiking boots & danskos haven't been a problem for me! I don't think anyone should present an appearance that isn't in line with their true selves. Although first dates can feel like it at times, dating is not the same as interviewing for a job. Keep it real.)
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
question for parents about half siblings
Posted: 8/26/2009 9:45:39 AM

My father wasn't in my life for 16 years ... my mothers choice not his but he respected her decision.

Nope, his choice.


He wasn't involved in her life either ... again the mothers choice.

Nope, again, his choice.


Please don't make this an issue about my father he's a good guy,

He may well be a good guy, but he's an adult who made a choice not to be around when his kids were growing up.

You have a right to know your sister. Ask him.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How to handle cursing
Posted: 8/25/2009 12:49:08 PM
Stop telling him to stop! I made the same mistake when my boys came home with "shutup" from daycare. "Oh don't say that, it's not nice, I mean it," etc. That just made it so much fun to say! Kids are very passive-aggressive that way, they love to push grownups' buttons! =) I learned my lesson and reacted nonchalantly and with a straight face whenever they tried new words out after that.

Sorry to say but the best thing you can do is learn to react to pain/shock/etc. differently. Nonsense words, counting out loud to ten, saying "ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow" or "no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no" ... anything but what you don't want your kids to say.
 
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