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 Author Thread: Terrified
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Terrified
Posted: 6/23/2009 10:05:53 AM
As stated, first things first.
Get an attorney, yesterday and get the ball rolling on custody.
This may be a little trickier, but you might want to consider contacting CPS, Child protective services, not sure what they would call it where you are at, but it's the same thing.
See about charging her with abandonment.

DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 142 (view)
 
Should he stand or sit when he goes to the bathroom?
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:18:09 PM
This is a little funny, but seriously!
For the guys, some time when you are done taking a shower, go to the bathroom without your clothes on, this is because you will get the best effect. The shower you are getting while you are going to the bathroom is not because you left the shower running, it's the splash back.
Urinals are worse!
Now not only is this covering you, anything that's exposed, toothbrushes, hairbrushes, anything that's left out.
Now I got a son, taught him how to pee standing up, write your name in the snow etc.. But I also explained to him what happens also.
Now I had spent many years working in an industry where sanitation is a big issue, so this stuff isn't unknown.
But I've always wondered, but I have left it up to my imagination, why the women's bathrooms are always worse than the men's?
:-)
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 126 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:36:02 AM
Spent 15 years in the restaurant business, all the way up to a full chef.
I can be fairly picky about the restaurants I frequent.
This is a dating site!
This is true, but if you are actually really serious, pay for it, go to a site like Yahoo, harmony etc.. It does seem when people are paying for it they are a little bit more serious.
Kind of like you get what you pay for :-)
some of them have some good compatibility tests, personality tests, the best ones are the triple questions, where they ask you the same thing, three different ways over a period of time, makes it harder for someone to shade the results.
When somebody has to pay for it, it tends to eliminate a lot of the players.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 124 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:59:30 AM
An experiment:
the next time you take a shower, wait until after the shower to go to the bathroom, (pee) stand there in all your glory (naked) and give it all you got.
You will find you are getting a golden shower, urinals are even worse.
So as you are going along your day, few times to the bathroom, afterwards you are becoming fairly ripe.
And because its gradual, you will not smell it.
Try it some time.
Then you might find yourself sitting down more often.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:45:09 PM
You need the best lawyer you can afford and even if you can't afford it.
You have to consider it a investment in your child's future.
Do a little searching, find some men who have been through similar things, good outcomes, for recommendations of a lawyer.
A lawyer with a fairly good success rate.
And I wish you the best!
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Real men.....what do you mean when you say that?
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:33:57 PM
Now in a way, it's kind of like a hero.
Somebody that goes above and beyond expectations willingly.
Now I've had women say I was a real man, but for the most part that was in connection to me raising my child.
One of the strangest things that ever happened, in a situation that was basically work related, I had a group of men call me a real man for something that I had done and they told me that it was something they couldn't or wouldn't have done, they would have chosen a different course of action, but what I did, without going into the story, had a far better outcome, then if they would have done what they would have done.
Now I would never call myself a real man, that's somebody else's judgment in my view.
But if I use the term real man, it basically goes back to what I said earlier, somebody that rises above expectations on a continual basis.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 104 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:26:06 PM
Tealwood,
A lot to go through.
But there are other post I have made concerning some of the other observations, about how I have been treated by women and there are women out there who have done the same thing.
They have children but wasn't interested in me because I have the child. Wanted me to accept their children as my own but wouldn't accept my child. So how could they even ask me to accept their children.
Other women would, they would step up to their responsibility.
When I say I gave up everything, because of the situation, legally I was being held responsible for the safety of my child, his mother was not allowed to see him and she was threatening to kidnap him. So I moved 1000 miles away from my home, family and friends to protect my child. Because working in the restaurant industry had such varied hours, I had to change careers and basically start over. But the management experience was enough to get me into management again.
I didn't get any child support.
Etc. etc. etc..
Now the comments that you are going from, is my reaction to other men and their comments about women. In a sense I have been in the same position as these women and my view is a little different than most men. As much as I know there are women out there that will not accept a man with a child, I also know there will be men who will not do the same.
But when it goes from a comment or an opinion to a continual pointing out, crossing the lines into ridicule and it is over and over, then my concern becomes why is this person doing this?
It's not for edification, and it reaches a point where it becomes cruel and does this person enjoy being cruel?
Going back to my marriage, I became very well studied in abusive behaviors. In reading other women complaining about the bashing and ridiculing, you just have to wonder whether or not they are crossing the line into abusive behavior.
The words out of our mouths or also from our fingertips come from our heart, come from the way we feel. The red flags you learn to look for, come from what people say and what people do, how they argue, how they make excuses, how they minimize, how they shift blame.
But a lot of the words I have read from some people, they aren't there to help, they are there to hurt.
And I always have a problem with people that hurt people, especially children!
So hopefully this will clarify some things.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:02:26 PM
Packagedeal,
my father is also OCD, not quite as bad as you describe, but as you described, my ways are different, sometime I tell him he's old school and I am new school.
But he can blow a gasket, yet later after he sees what has been done, he apologizes.
I just tell him, wait the next time, see what the outcome is.
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
Myself, I have learned over the years to trust no matter how they do it, the outcome is the same.
Sometimes even better :-)
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:53:40 PM
Future shock,
you might be a little surprised, from some things read before, most control freaks, child abusers, spouse abusers, sex offenders OCD etc. vote Democrat.
I was a little surprised.

Pianogirl,
I'll do some searching, letting him read this discussion may be a little explosive.
It is the hard thing about text and we can only go by what we read and missing information does often lead to misunderstandings.
But I will say this is one of the better discussions I have read in a long time, a lot of good views.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:17:23 PM
OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:13:35 AM
pianogirl
As I said it was kind of a rule of thumb, an example of basically watch how he treats other people, and then maybe what he says afterwards.
As I said earlier, for lot of my life I was a chef, worked with a lot of women and I got to see a lot of relationships.
I went through an abusive relationship, and I wasn't the one to figure that out, but that's another story.
But over the years I have seen enough things to know that there are patterns of behavior.
But I do know one thing for sure, you can't fix it!
We think we can, if only we do, if only, if only, if only, and it only gets worse. There are cycles of better times and worst times.
But there is one description I've heard before that fits very well, if you ever feel like you are walking on egg shells around the person, your intuition is telling you something.
You should listen to it.
I wish you the best!
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:31:28 AM
pianogirl,
your post in message 28, and I'm not going to tell you what to do but, you have a problem and it is not your child, it is not the way you are raising your child.
It's your boyfriend.
He's criticizing you, if your child wasn't there, there would be other criticisms.
One of the rules of thumb, if you want to know how somebody would treat you, go out to dinner, watch how they treat the waiter, they will treat you worse in the end.
Now there are a couple of sites you should look at and ponder what they say.

http://www.newbeginningsnh.org/html/signs.html

http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm

You will need to copy those and paste them into your browser, it seems like they don't allow active links on these pages.

There are signs, red flags to look for, most the time we ignore them because of a desire to be in a relationship.
I have had to learn it the hard way!

But I think from what you said, you're going to find that the pages I gave you will have some of the same descriptions.

Personally, hope I'm wrong, but I've seen it too many times.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 99 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:41:44 AM
I think you need to reread your post.
First off you don't have a clue, I would never insult boys that way.
The perspective is much broader than that.
I have found that men who will not accept responsibility, will not accept responsibility.
Doesn't matter what it is.
Then there are men who accept responsibility and it doesn't matter what it is, they step up and take responsibility.
It's a behavior!
Actually my question would be more along the lines of why the bashing?
Which raises bigger questions about behaviors.
When somebody continually criticizes, ridicules, bashes, in-your-face someone else or a group, one must ask the question of why is that.
To make the point once is fine, but to continue, you can fall under the definition of cruelty.
Like rubbing salt into the wound.
I do see a lot of that here.
But as I said in the beginning, as a supervisor and employer for most of my life, I have found men who will not accept responsibility in one area, very rarely will even take responsibility in another area, most the time, all they do is criticize and complain.
But those who will take responsibility, they take responsibility in everything and they don't blame others.
Like the men who walk away from their families, they will also walk away from everything else.
That does seem to be how it works.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 97 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:51:35 AM
Rock Hunter,
I went back and checked just make sure, I never called anybody "a boy"
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:27:54 AM
Pianogirl,
I would have say that's the best thing to do!
But be ready for answers you may not like!
When my child was younger, I would always introduce him to someone I was interested in.
Later I would ask his opinion, what did he think.
(From the time he was five years old)
and in a child's innocent honest ways, he would tell me.
He saw things a lot quicker than I did, but he was looking at everything through a different perspective.
Sometimes, looking into a relationship, we will ignore red flags.
But they see them.

But when he was 16 and pulled what he pulled, it was very out of character for him, later when we did discuss the situation, he was mad at me for other reasons, but used that to hurt me.
But that's for another discussion.
Let's just say he learned that was not the correct way.

And I guess I would have to agree with some other things, the way my child did things, I was comfortable with. He did his own laundry and his own cooking, the way he kept his room.
When he was 12 years old he told me he didn't like the way I did laundry and he didn't like my cooking (and I was the chef) so we went to the grocery store, I gave him x amount of dollars and told him to buy his own food. And with his laundry, if his clothes weren't clean, it was his problem.
Now I did teach him how to cook, how to shop and how to do laundry and from that point in time, he did his own.
When he finally moved out, I knew he was more than ready to go.
But in a comparison, he was more of the Felix Unger and I was more of the Oscar Madison when he came to housekeeping.
He kept everything neat and organized and I was not allowed to mess with it!

But yes, ask your child, don't be surprised at the answers.
And as far as your boyfriend's concerned, how your child does his things, controls his stuff is his business, not your boyfriends.
The only time your boyfriend should be concerned is if your child is messing in his stuff.
I go by, I will treat someone the way I want to be treated and I don't want anyone telling me how to raise my child, suggestions, they are okay as long as they are just suggestions, but if you tell me what to do, it will be the last time you tell me what to do. Because I have learned it is not the only thing I will be told what to do.
Certain lines I just do not cross
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:41:21 AM
As much as we go through similar things when our children are little, we still go through similar things when they are grown.
One of the key lines I find is,

My son acts much differently with me than when my boyfriend is with me.

So in essence, your boyfriend never sees him acting the way he acts when he's not around.
You have two problems.
One is your child, who is (most likely) jealous and is trying to control you.
One is a boyfriend who is interested in you and trying to control the situation.

When my child was 16, I had met a woman and he began acting a lot differently when she was around.
He then said some very unkind things about her etc..

I was simple and straight to the point, I told him if he does not want me messing in his relationships, don't mess in my relationships. Don't cause problems for me and I won't cause problems for you, but if you cause problems for me, I can cause a lot more for you.
I don't care if you like them, don't like them, that isn't the issue.
But you will treat them with respect, because I am the one that is choosing, not you!

It changed after that.

It's hard for me to give an opinion about what the guy is doing, maybe he sees the same thing, maybe it is something different.
But I can only go by my experiences, what I've seen, I have been with a couple of women who had teenage children who created problems. Seen a lot of others go through the same thing.

Basically it goes back to what I told my child.

Now, if I meet someone with a child, first thing that basically I tell them, it is your child, your rules, your decisions.
I'm not going to tell you what to do.
But it is my choice if I'm going to deal with it.
You are not going force a child upon me that doesn't like me or is jealous etc.
the situation will never improve, it will deteriorate.

This might be a good article to read;


http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/280861/getting_married_again_when_the_adult.html

DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
dating single-again fathers
Posted: 6/15/2009 6:09:38 PM
You are asking a question that can only be answered by him.
I know it can be frustrating, but you can also count it up as a learning experience.
But really, anything else is just speculation.
The only thing I would say, going by what you said happened, I think you're better off with the way everything turned out.
And I would go on and not look back.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Good single dad's and the justice system
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:03:16 PM
Wonderbaby,
I used to think the way you do, but already somebody's not keeping their agreements and expecting them to keep their agreements in the future, isn't much more than wishful thinking.
But over the years, watching as all this happens over and over again, legal representation is a must in this situation, anytime there is a child involved, an attorney needs to be involved.
I used to live in a state where you could not show up in court without an attorney, yes it made that cost a little higher, but the court system wasn't interested in handling family fights.
So over the years I changed my opinion.
Too many times I have seen people come to the personal agreements only to end up in disaster and required the attorneys. So if they would have had the attorneys in the beginning, it would have prevented the disaster.
A lot of people learned this the hard way!

In the end, the lawyers aren't for the adults, it's for the child/children.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 91 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/15/2009 3:20:32 PM
Those who can do... do

Those who cannot do... ridicule those who can.
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Good single dad's and the justice system
Posted: 6/15/2009 3:13:45 PM
You can't afford to bring lawyers in on this?

You cannot afford not to, it will cost you more in the long run!
Look around, you might be able to find one, willing to take payments.

But very seriously, you cannot afford not to!
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 70 (view)
 
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:06:17 PM
And even if a woman is totally self relient and an awesome person, if I get serious with her, the fact is I do not want to raise another man's kid(s).


Why do women think that if their child's biological father didn't want to raise them, another man will want to? Even if a single mother is not looking for a man to support her, the fact is that if they get married the new guy WILL BE supporting another man's children.


Don't include me in this description, which in that makes this above description false.
I have before, would do it again.
The person who made that quote should speak for themselves, not for me.
I can very well speak for myself.
As another thread, any guy can be a father, but it takes a MAN to be a daddy.
A MAN will take responsibility even if it isn't his own.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Men's Participation in Decision to Have Children
Posted: 6/15/2009 11:03:21 AM
Now we could go round and round about this.
I could also write a thousand words going into great detail.
So you would seriously maim someone who forced you to do that.
But you would have no problem forcing your choice upon me!?
Now to go a little further.
I am in a position where I really cannot do anything, it's your choice, all I can do is make decisions on how I would handle it afterward.
This is me, this is how I look at it, this is how I would handle it.
Understand this is a what if situation and "if" is a conditional word
If we met, like each other, and one thing led to another and then I had found out you had had an abortion against the other's wishes, I would end the relationship.
I couldn't take the chance of you putting me through a similar situation.

Now, as you said you would not want to be forced, well neither would I!
Just understand, you are willing to do to somebody else something that you would not have done to you.
No matter how you think about it, no matter how you justify it, you would be forcing somebody else to do something they would not want to do.
Or you may be lucky and they have no problem with it.

But ultimately it comes down to responsibility, if you don't want to fall off of the ladder, you don't get on one.
Because if you get on one, there is a chance you will fall.
Most people now would blame the ladder for the fall, but that is just shifting the blame, shifting the responsibility.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Men's Participation in Decision to Have Children
Posted: 6/15/2009 10:24:41 AM
Death penalty?
That's a reach, isn't it?

If the woman would be forced to go through a pregnancy, and dies, first you would have to look at the medical profession. Now if the woman would be known not to be able to go through the pregnancy, if she was forced through the pregnancy knowing death would occur, that may be criminal intent.

For the death penalty, you would need criminal intent.
Wrongful death's, someone's behavior led to someone's death.
But for a lot of people, abortion is murder.
Criminal intent?
Sometimes you need to flip the coin over and look at the other side.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 940 (view)
 
Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood
Posted: 6/15/2009 10:05:00 AM
How many were planned?
I know of one, my child, just didn't realize what would happen later.

From a majority of the people I have talked to about this subject throughout my life, most wanted to have a child when it happened. May not have been actively trying but were not also actively try to prevent it.

Now for those who said it was accidental or wasn't planned, the majority of those, it seems like either alcohol or drugs were involved and a one night stand.
But my position comes from being responsible, and in order to be responsible you have to be responsible, responsibility does not happen by accident.
Some of the other stuff you posted, as I said above, abortion rights groups have done a lot to suppress a lot of information.
They are very successful.

Now I am not trying to force anything on anyone I talk of responsibility, but you have to understand, you are forcing it on me!
And you are.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Men's Participation in Decision to Have Children
Posted: 6/15/2009 9:43:50 AM
Now that there is a choice, men can be forced into fatherhood and on the other side, their child can be killed and they have very little say in either decision, actually for the most part no say.
From a male perspective, from my perspective, this isn't really all that fair.
So for my personal well-being, I make sure there will not be a pregnancy that would not be unwanted.
Yes it takes self-discipline.

Now, I do have some thoughts on this.
I believe a man should have the right to request a woman have an abortion, it needs to go through the court system. If she refuses, the man will not be held responsible for the child, he will have no financial liabilities, but can have no contact as a father either.
I also believe that the man should have a right, if the woman chooses to have an abortion against his wishes, if he is more than willing to take custody of the child himself, full financial, parental responsibilities. He should have the right to sue her for wrongful death.

As far as teen pregnancy goes, if the child is under 18, it will automatically be put up for adoption. Under the age of 18 a child is considered not responsible enough to sign any contracts, having a child is a contract of responsibility.

But I know a lot of this won't go over too well with some.
But then again the abortion is a selfish act.

In the bigger picture of it, we live in the here and now, the ways of life we are living in are normal for us.
But in history, over the thousands of years of different societies, sexual attitudes have been both restrictive and free. It goes in a cycle, and it takes generations, restrictive attitudes give way to free attitudes, but the problems that are caused by the free attitudes eventually lead to the restrictive attitudes again. Then the problems created by the free attitudes are forgotten and it happens again. Right now we are in the cycle of the free attitudes and we are seeing the problems created by these attitudes. Eventually, in a generation or two, people will realize if we don't want these problems, we can't have these attitude's and the attitudes will become more restricted, then that will be forgotten, attitudes will become free again and the cycle will continue.

So if you don't want to go through any of this, it would personally be wise to adopt a more restrictive attitude toward sex, a more responsible attitude.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 938 (view)
 
Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood
Posted: 6/15/2009 9:06:53 AM
There are some interesting studies concerning what happens after a woman has an abortion, but they are hard to find, abortion rights groups do a pretty good job of suppressing these things.

Depression!
Suicides!
Breast cancer!
Cancer of the cervix and uterus!
Fertility problems!

These and a lot of other things are statistically higher in women who have had abortions than those who have not, and not just a little bit higher, almost double in some areas if not triple.

One interesting study was comparing women who had miscarriages to those who had abortions and those who had miscarriages, statistically were the same as those who had never been pregnant, but those who had abortions, the statistics were markedly higher.

An accidental pregnancy is an excuse for lack of responsibility.

It is an excuse!

Unless you had sex accidentally, the pregnancy could not be accidental, we learned millennia ago that sex leads to pregnancy. Any time that you have sex, pregnancy can result unless one or the other parties is completely infertile.
We already know that birth control can fail, so if it fails, it wasn't an accident, it was a failure of birth control.
Basically it comes down to this;
if you don't want to get pregnant (as a woman) you don't want to become a father (as a man) you just don't have sex. As said above, if you do, there is a chance and it is not an accident.

And it does a world of good for a child's self-esteem if they believe that they were just an accident.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 504 (view)
 
Do children need a father?
Posted: 6/15/2009 8:47:05 AM
As in message 501, any guy can be a father, takes a man to be a daddy.

In some of the other threads here, it is obvious statistically, good male role models seem to be essential in children growing up to be quality adults.
But I also believe, the other way around, they also need good female role models.
To be a little blunt, who your children will choose to associate with as adults will be based on what they knew when they were children. it is what they will be comfortable with etc..
There are also studies that showed this is the case. Girls that are raised with abusive fathers, tend to marry abusive men. Same way with the boys, if they are exposed to less than quality women, they will become involved with less than quality women.
When you are raising a child by yourself, you do have to surround yourself with quality people, people of character and this includes family members!
Your children will adopt the characteristics of the people that they are exposed to, good or bad.

As kind of an example, if your child starts lying, you need to find out where they are learning from, because lying is a learned ability, they learn it from someone, you need to find it and stop it.

The hardest one is if it's a family member, sometimes for the sake of your children, you need to leave your family behind.
Because your child, now it is your family, everyone else is extended family and it needs to be understood that they are expendable for the sake of your child.
Your child's well being is the most important thing!
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
is it me or is being a single father hard when it comes to dating?
Posted: 6/15/2009 8:15:19 AM
First off it's going to be very hard!
Just imagine if you had full custody.
As you see this happening, you have to realize you are looking at the wrong women, you are the one that's going to have to change what you are looking for.
It's not easy!
Also understand, these women that walk away, they were not worth being with, whether or not you have this situation.
The opposite is true for women who are looking for someone to be with.
But the reality is, you are going to have to change the criteria of what you are looking for.
When you (we) were single, before all of this occurred, we would look for people based on our lifestyles.
Sometimes that is what we look for when we become single again, but we have changed, our situations have changed, so that means we need to change what we are looking for, what worked before will not work now.
Also, understanding what we thought worked before, didn't or we wouldn't be in this situation we are.
Kind of under the philosophy, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, how can you expect a different outcome.
But there is always hope!

DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Good single dad's and the justice system
Posted: 6/15/2009 7:55:32 AM
This is one of those were I a kind of read between the lines.
Somebody's whispering in her ear!
Not uncommon, seen it before.
My recommendation is, get the best lawyer money can buy and count it as an investment in your child's future.
She's already broken an agreement.
She can be no longer trusted to keep any other agreement.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise
Posted: 6/14/2009 2:41:48 PM
Experiments in Living: The Fatherless Family www.civitas.org.uk/pubs/experiments.php

caz,
sorry it took so long, I just did a google search on " single parents families UK "
a lot of stuff, but the one I am posting, that was pretty interesting, a lot of stuff. Much too much to put on here and a lot of them have links so I figured it would be easier just to give you the web address.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise
Posted: 6/14/2009 10:59:36 AM
Conscioussoul,
when I was young, in my early 20s, I wanted to be a child psychologist, but a couple of the professors told me that I was too sympathetic and I needed to be empathetic.
They were right.
My fantasy as a young man was getting married and having six children, not sure why six but that was the number I had come up with. Ended up only having one, never thought I would have to do it by myself.
I had watched children's behavior, watched what the parents did and you kind of get an idea of how children turn out the way they do.
Now each child's individual, and as above, one child may behave a certain way, another child completely differently, but you can't treat each child the same, they are uniquely different.
One thing I know, now some may think I am arrogant or bragging but I do have a pretty good idea how to handle children. After a CPS investigation, they asked me if I would be interested in teaching parenting classes, at the time I said no, but I do consider that a fairly good endorsement that the investigators saw that I knew how to take care of a child.
Now honestly I don't know what the future holds, but part of me is sad because I really only got to raise one child and I am now 52 years old and the time is quickly passing by.
I wouldn't mind doing it again, but I am fairly sure I don't want any more of my own (I would be 70 when they turned 18 if they were born today), wouldn't mind meeting someone who had children, but it is easier if they are younger, teenagers, it is harder to build the relationship, not a lot of time to do it in and there can be a lot of extenuating circumstances. Women with younger children, they themselves tend to be a little bit younger, even though I would seriously consider someone younger, the age difference is there and if I met someone who was 30, after the children would be grown, they (the woman) would still be young and stuck with an old man.
But as I said I don't know what the future holds.

I had already described how my son had turned out, my ex-wife, she raised her 2, the boy from the age of 12 until he turned 18 spent all but about six months in juvenile hall, once he became an adult, he tried to kill his grandmother. The girl, pregnant at 16, quit school, did marry the father and is still married.
She doesn't like me, I asked her why and she told me it was because she could never get away with anything, I always caught her.
I do believe one of the bigger mistakes I made was when I did divorce my ex-wife, I should have went for custody of the other two, the girl was eight years old at the time and the boy was five years old.
My ex did ask me to take them once they started getting into serious trouble but I couldn't do it because, for the most part it was too late and I couldn't risk exposing my child to their behaviors.
It was a hard decision.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:23:59 AM
Notsureaboutyou
I think it depends on how one defines punishment. He had to fix whatever he broke or rectify the problem he had caused, apologize to whoever he had offended etc..
I think there's times he would've rather I done something different, like spank him or ground him.
In preparing him for the real fire, that started at about the age of five, he had to explain himself and his behaviors to other people, he had to own up to responsibility for his actions. I would stand beside him and make sure he wasn't overly charged so to say. That there was fairness. But I would not get in the way of what he had to do, I wasn't going to fix it. He had to fix it, he had to make it right.
In starting so early with him, by the time he reached a teenager, a lot of these things are no longer an issue or a worry.
Just curious, it would have worked with your first child, but not the other two, what was the difference with the other two?
Going under the premise that children are honest, they learn how to lie, it is a learned ability, it is how they learn it that must be found and stopped.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What am I doing wrong?
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:06:43 PM
What are you doing wrong?
First thing, you can go into your mail settings and set age restrictions and a few other restrictions. That will eliminate some of the older ones contacting you from this site.
That's the easy one.
At your age, with a child, for the most part I think it will be pretty hard for you to find someone your age, most are not going to really want to get tied down to a family when they can go out and find somebody else and just party.
It does not mean you will not find someone, but the odds are not good. Any man that you're going to get involved with, no matter what the age, is going to have to be mature, a maturity beyond their years if they are just 21.
If you lie then you are just a liar and they will walk away because of that, surprise surprise, I have a kid and the outcome will probably be worse.

It would be wonderful if we lived in a perfect world, but we don't.
If you read through a lot of these threads, you can go back years, if you noticed I've been here 4 years, actually longer than that but I joined a second time.
Now the odds are, this does not mean it will be the way I say, but the odds are unless you compromise yourself, which means putting your child at risk, most likely you will probably be single until the child is grown.
Sadly, because it seems this is something you do not want, but if you do want someone to be with who will accept your child, you're probably going to have to look at someone older and it would probably be the late 20s or early 30s would be about the starting point.
But if you go through these threads, you will find it is very common for a single parent, either man or a woman to remain single.
And if you do find somebody, it is a great risk that there will be problems also because of the child. The odds of finding a wonderful fulfilling stable relationship, they're not really that good.
Now maybe the best way of getting what you want is realizing you have to give up what you want, your child comes first!
Maybe a little more blunt and brutal, in a sense you need to give up your life to raise up your child, you have to give up your wants and desires, those disappeared when you got pregnant.
If you force the situation, try to make something work, you can find yourself with two children and single.
Again this is not really to be negative, but it is a reality.
Having a child changes everything.

What are you doing wrong, nothing, it's just the circumstance you are in.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:03:17 PM
I knew that when he became a teenager, there would have to be open and honest communication between us or there would be trouble.
One of the first rules I have and I do know, is never put your child in a position where they have to lie to you.
You don't threaten them!
You don't have 10,000 rules that you don't enforce, you have a very few that you enforce completely.
Just after I got custody, we had a little conversation and I told him if he told me the truth, I wouldn't punish him.
Didn't mean I wouldn't get mad, but I wouldn't punish him.
But if he lied to me, he would be punished for what he did and he would be punished for lying to me.
Every so often he would come up to me and asked if I remembered that agreement, I would say yes and he would tell me what happened.
Most of the time it was nothing, but I would act a little bit angry, then telling he wouldn't be punished, thanked him for telling me the truth.
When he was 14, 15, 16 he never once lied to me, he knew he could come and talk to me, tell me what was going on and that I would not react irrationally.

I constantly hear parents threatening their children, if you do this I'm going to... and then they don't do it. Let's just say, that kind of parenting has no benefits.
My child knew if I told him if he did certain things, he would get punished and he did.
Yet I think the last time I punished him was before he was six years old, he knew I would do it.
When he was 16 he was having a party at our house and I came out and laid out some ground rules to the children that were there. When I was done I was starting to walk away and I heard my son tell his friends that were there, you better listen to him, he means what he says, and he'll do it!
Never had a problem!
It seems like when I put the expectations out there, even to his friends, they always met them. I was never unreasonable, I tried very hard to remember what it was like when I was 15 or a teenager.
I found since I had rules that I enforced, for the most part I never had to enforce them.
I have found that the parents that threaten their children and do nothing, end up having children that do not listen to them
I found or more to the point I was told, never yell at your children, if you want them to listen to you, whisper.
It's amazing how well that works.
Now as I said above in my other post, he did get in trouble one time. And it was ridiculous from my point of view.
He was at school, he threw an empty Pepsi bottle which hit the ground, bounced up and hit another student, he was charged with third-degree assault. $412 fine.
He was just throwing the bottle down, not throwing at anybody, just something stupid in a way, but by all these wonderful laws they have now, it cost me $412.

When he was a little older, after he turned 10, the situations he would get into, I would tell him what the outcome would be, I never told him that he could not do anything, but I said this is what is going to happen if you follow this course of action.
It wasn't too long until he knew I knew what I was talking about. Because what I said would happen did happen, so after a while if I told him something would happen, he really didn't need to experience it.

In a way I think as a parent, you really can't be divided between what your child needs and what you want to do, your child will be the one that loses out.

I had a decision making criteria, every decision I made would be made in the best interest of my child, where I worked, where we live, the people I associated with etc. etc.. If you make decisions based on what is good for you, it may not be good for the child.
But if you make decisions based on what is good for the child, they will always be good for you also!

I hope this kind of answers your question :-)
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:25:50 PM
In reading the article, I was blessed with a few things!
I was 35 years old when I got custody, I already had established career, even though I did change careers, for the most part it was transferable. Supervision/management, if you can manage one thing, you can manage others.
My ex-wife had no visitation, so I had no issues with two separate sets of rules or any of the other games that sometimes are played by supposedly mature people.
For the most part, before I even had the child, I knew basically how to raise children, rules, discipline etc.. I knew that if you wanted a child doing something at 15, you had to have them doing it at 3.
As I said before, I raised my child, he was not raised by grand parents or brothers or sisters or babysitters, if I was not at work, basically we were together.
Stability was a huge factor!
Out of it, I got a child who was an A.B. honor roll student throughout school, president of the youth Association, leadership positions in different areas, ROTC etc.. Only was in trouble one time (which was ridiculous) joined the military when he was a junior in high school. Moved out when he was 18.
He calls me to say hello, asks how I'm doing, doesn't call needing money, me to get him out of strange situations etc..

My ex-wife had two children by a previous marriage which stayed with her and they were raised a little differently and the outcome was a lot different.

I knew going in what the problems of single parents, of the children could possibly be so I did do a lot of things in order to make sure those were minimized.

I didn't get lucky, it was work, and I was absolutely amazed to see the seeds that I planted when he was very young grow and bloom when he became a teenager and now that he is an adult.

When my parents celebrated their 58th anniversary, I told my mother if she ever was concerned whether or not we (my siblings and I) were raised correctly, look at the grandchildren and see how they are turning out.
So far it looks like I did a decent job, but when he has his own children and I see how he raises them, then I will know whether or not I did a good job.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 271 (view)
 
Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ?
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:48:58 PM
Just in reading profiles, if it states they have children and they do not mention their children in their profile, I don't bother.
When someone mentions their children come first, that for the most part gets my attention. The rest of their self description, sometimes will give me a good idea whether or not this is true. Basically if they describe they like to party and socialize and other things that are not child friendly, tells me the children come first part is just words.
But there are those of us and I believe the fathers that have actually had to raise their children themselves, are more inclined to look for someone like this more seriously.
But I think it all comes down to selfishness, if you can't give love to a child, and you really can't give love to anyone, they'll always be a price attached.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 270 (view)
 
Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ?
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:41:28 PM
chimelle,
after checking your profile, I don't think these " Mike's" would qualify to get past your first paragraph, let alone the children come first part.
Just had to say it.
(And I am sorry your treated like that)
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Lesbians with Kids .....the instant NO THANKS
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:17:30 PM
It seems like you are finding out that no matter what the gender or the sexuality, people can be very judgmental etc...
For a lot of true blue lesbians you do not fit their ideals of a lesbian.
Years ago, I had some neighbors that were lesbians and we were out in the country
They came over and told me to keep my roosters pinned up because they did not want them banging on their hens, they wanted them to be lesbians also.
They were serious!
I just had to laugh at that one.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Prenant & Seeking Male for Long Term Relationship
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:07:18 AM
I could say a lot about this one, problem is that be from a few different views.
When I met my ex-wife, she was three months pregnant, she had filed for divorce from her husband before she found out she was pregnant. They already had one child, she told me she had thought about trying to reconcile with him because of the pregnancy, but she decided that she was going to divorce him and they already had one child, the second one probably wouldn't make much difference.
That was a pretty good answer.
Secondly she was not looking for a relationship when we met.
So, in a similar situation, even now I would consider it.
On the other hand, if they are going to be testing three or four men's DNA after the child is born to establish paternity, I would have to pass on that one.
But I think you would need to look at each situation individually and very carefully because the odds on getting burned are pretty good.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
When to allow your children to meet your significant other?
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:31:24 AM
There was something I was thinking about.
And maybe there is a difference.
I wrote from the position of how I felt when my child was between 3 years of age and about 12. Up until that point, I was looking for someone who would be more of a mother figure, after he turned 12, it was more of someone that would just be his friend.
Trailgirl made me think about this a little bit, the revolving door.
When my son was around 12 or 13, that's when for him his attitude toward girls changed and he started having girlfriends.
He didn't have just one.
They came and went.
In a way as I'm thinking about it now, he is 19, he has had a few relationships lasted a more than a year, but I ended a lot of the relationships I was in and he is the same, they do not break up with him, he breaks up with them and it does seem that his standards are pretty high, now there is no doubt that he did learn from what I went through.
When he was about 14, he said something really critical about somebody I was seeing and I told him that if he wanted to cause problems in my relationships, I could cause problems in his relationships and I could cause a lot more problems than he could.
Since then, he has left mine alone and I have left his alone.
He needed to learn for himself.
On the other side and thinking about his choices, except for one, I have been very impressed with these girls he has been dating, I had had very high standards because of him, I think now he has high standards because of what I was looking for.
Now even though he is 19, lives on his own, I will always think of him as my child when he was young, when he was dependent upon me, sometimes it's a little harder to think of him as grown.
Basically what I'm saying, now that I'm thinking about it, I can see what effect my dating has had upon him.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
When to allow your children to meet your significant other?
Posted: 6/12/2009 6:30:07 PM
Pretty redundant question, numerous threads here covering the same subject.
With that said,

First and foremost, it is what you feel comfortable with.
Now first off, if we met and you decided you weren't going to introduce me to your child, basically, have a nice day.
I am not going to take the chance of getting involved with somebody only to find out I have a problem with the child or the child has a problem with me.
I will not force the child into relationship.
That would be wrong.

You're at the grocery store with your kid doing some shopping, you meet the love of your life standing in line next to you, what are you going to do?

For the most part what is the difference of your child meeting someone you might be interested in compared to a coworker?
I find most people that ask this question never have a problem with their kids meeting anyone unless it is a possible relationship.
Yet what is the difference?

Myself, I learned to take my child to the first meeting, I saw how they got along together, for her it was the reality that I had a child, my child never had a problem, he thought it was a lot of fun. We would always meet somewhere where he could be entertained.
After that he would get left home most the time if I went out.

People wonder about what if there child becomes attached, it's life.
Throughout our lives, people come and go, that's the reality.

But as I said in the beginning, what do you do if you get involved with somebody and then later introduce them to the child and there is a problem.
Sadly to say, most the time the child gets forced into the relationship.

Maybe what we need to do to actually answer this question is find some children who are now grown who have gone through this and what is their opinions about what happened.
I've talked to a few, they were forced into relationships they did not want to be in, they had no choice.
But I think it would be interesting to find out.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:40:58 PM
As I said in my post without being incredibly blunt, we are in a period of time where society is under the free sex delusion.
Sex is not free and there is responsibility.
We just haven't learned this yet.
It has happened over and over in history, happening again.
You know what they say about those who do not learn from history.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Single Fathers .....Men do it to ya know :)
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:03:31 PM
SlingDad has that one right!
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Single Fathers .....Men do it to ya know :)
Posted: 6/12/2009 1:02:33 PM
I raised my child from the age of two years until he turned 18, he is now a very fine upstanding person, he is in the military. Was an AB honor roll student. Doesn't need me anymore :-( but then again that's a good thing :-)
I did it because I had to, there was no choice, went through hell but I would do it again in a heartbeat!
I have done something very few do, raise a child by themselves, it is what I consider my greatest accomplishment and nobody can take that away from me!
I had to give up basically everything I wanted to do in order to do this, but the rewards, the self-satisfaction I think (I know) is far greater than if I would have done what I wanted to do.

But now that everything is said and done, I'm left with, what do I do now?

I know everything I have been through has made me a far better person than if I had not gone through it!
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
The Teflon Man....
Posted: 6/12/2009 11:13:08 AM
Interesting but I might say it is just you, but only because you may be just becoming aware of it (in a larger sense)
On the other hand parental responsibility?
You can go back to before the Old Testament was written and you will find very strict laws back then concerning parenthood. Sexual responsibility.
If you had sex with a woman, you had to marry her, if not you were put to death, probably wasn't so much free sex back then.
Lots of laws about partner swapping.
So in essence it's not a new phenomenon.
I've been on this board a number of years, it goes in cycles, I haven't been here in a few years, but yet when I came back the other day, same exact threads, why people treat people the way they treat people, children's photos on the Internet, why can't I find a date etc. etc. etc..
A lot of why me.
Why me, when it comes down to it, you put yourself in the position to become put into the situation.
You may have done everything correctly, but everything started because of one decision.
The big question is can you take responsibility.
When I got custody of my son, I was told now I would find out whether or not I was a responsible person.

There are women who have had children just to get government benefits, there are women who get pregnant thinking it will complete the relationship.
These things happen.
Now it is a fairly narrow minded person that will paint with such a broad brush that all are that way.
I have raised a child by myself, seeing the world from the other side, gives you an interesting perspective.
There's a lot of men I know, better said have known, that didn't want to take the responsibility, unless I am forced to, by a work environment or something, I will have nothing to do with them, not only are they worthless to their children, their worthless to everybody around them, and speaking of the work environment, they don't do a good job either.

Part of my feeling of reading the opening post is, you're not like these women that are stereotyped, so when these things are said it bothers you because it's not you and you don't want to be in that group.
Mostly all you can do is ignore it and not getting involved with anyone who has that way of thinking.

In a broader sense, what is happening today was started by the free sex movements of the 50s and 60s, the great Society brought in by President Johnson, sex without responsibility.
Seeds were planted back then, now we are beginning to see the flowers.

Now I know most will not find what I'm going to say next politically correct, but as a student of history, for millennia all kinds of societies have had very restrictive attitudes toward sex and then free attitudes towards sex and then it goes back to restrictive.
There is a reason for this, going from a restrictive period about sex, to a freer attitude, then coming back to restrictions, societies learn free sex, the attitude leads to a lot of problems.
If this was not the case, societies would have went from restrictive attitudes towards sex to free attitudes towards sex and it would have never returned to restrictive.
Each society, each generation needs to learn these lessons.
So as I said in the beginning, there have been laws about parenthood and sexual behavior before even the Old Testament was written, has nothing to do with religion.

Has to do with responsibility!

Now the vast majority of single parents families is the woman and children, men with children is a smaller number, but this is changing and fairly quickly.
Now maybe it's because I raise the child by myself, I do notice a lot more men with their children. If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't notice as much.

A lot of people say things about other people, it's easy to ridicule.
I could very easily myself have a very bad attitude, every problem I had while raising my child, came from a woman, caused me all kinds of problems.
I went through 4 CPS investigations, one just because the woman been thinking man should have custody of the child.
After the third investigation, the investigator asked me if I would be willing to give parenting classes, they were impressed with my parenting skills.
So should I hold what happened to me against all women?
The answer is no, there are some very wonderful women out there, but I also know there are some that aren't.
Myself I have taken government assistance, a food stamps and AFDC, but it was a last resort, I had been injured on the job, the recovery took 18 months in which I could not work, what do you do?
I had a child's take care of!
But on the other side, there were a lot of programs that I could not get into because I was a man.
As I said, I've seen it through different eyes, been through things most men don't go through. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to raise a child by myself, but I did it and now he's a very responsible young man.
And when I say by myself, it was by myself, no family help, no child support, she was not allowed to be with the child.
It was by myself!
Now I could let everything that happen to me in a negative way bother me, but the only thing it would actually do is destroy my future.
Take everything with a grain of salt, and raise your child to the best of your ability.

Sometimes the saying, let me know the things I can change and let me know the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
 
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/11/2009 3:31:43 PM
Not a lot to go on from what you say or your profile, there is numerous other threads concerning the same subject of why men run, why women run.
But just taking from what you have said, first off a fairy tale is just that, a fairytale, it is not reality.
What you should like to have actual reality.
Now I'm one of those who does not have a problem with women who have children or even a number of them, secondly I am not intimidated by strong independent women.
Now I'm not trying to be critical or unduly critical, you did ask the question and I'm going to give you an answer from my perspective.
In your profile, someone has to have a photo in order to contact you. So if you are into appearance as one of your top criteria, I would have to say most likely you should enjoy the single life.
But that is not to say that you won't get lucky, but you would be better off looking for someone who is attractive on the inside and let the outside take care of itself, you may actually find yourself more satisfied.
I could say a little more but I would probably get in trouble.
But I'm going to tell you a little story, might give you something to think about.
I have an older sister, educated, has won a beauty contest, but she couldn't find anyone, dated lots of good looking men but nothing ever worked out. She was 33 years old, and one day she was standing in line to see a movie by herself, got into a conversation with a gentleman who was next to her in line and fell madly in love.
He was fat, blind in one eye, worked at a hamburger joint, professional college student, nine years younger and Jewish.
Needless to say we were a little astonished.
She married him.
Now he's a doctor, made the national list of who's who in 1999 and they have been married now almost 30 years.
One of the most fantastic people I know in my life.
In essence, she kissed the right frog!
So in essence what I am trying to say, if you go by appearance, you may actually miss the fairytale.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Qualities we seek in a partner
Posted: 6/11/2009 3:06:15 PM
Itsallinthesoul is right.
I've done it, therefore I know I can do it again.
Actually, it's hard not to.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Qualities we seek in a partner
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:05:33 AM
I want to expand on what I am saying little bit.
When I got married, she had two children from a previous marriage. When our son was born, the grandparents of the two children told me that they did not feel that they needed to do anything for my child.
I told them that was fine, but not to do it in front of my child, which was agreed. They could take the children with them and do whatever they wish.

Now on the other side, my parents, my brothers and sisters, concerning her two children from a previous marriage, my family treated them like they were mine. All were treated equally.
So I know my view comes from the way I was raised, the values that were taught to me from my parents. I believe this is why I have a Jewish brother-in-law and a black brother-in-law and there is no problem with it in my family.
Everybody is treated equally.
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Qualities we seek in a partner
Posted: 6/11/2009 9:51:58 AM
You expect them to treat each other nice?
How?
One person's version of nice, can be completely different than another person's version of nice.
Not that I don't understand what you are saying.
But maybe we should do a thread on why are our children so screwed up.
We can trace it all the way through history back to Cain and Abel, one being the favorite, one not and what was the outcome?
DR
 dragonrider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Qualities we seek in a partner
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:50:19 AM
Free,
I understand what you say about step children being different than your own.
When I got married she had two children from a previous marriage, actually with the second child, she was three months pregnant when I met her, when she filed for divorce she did not know she was pregnant.
When my child was born, a year after we got married, I realized then there was a difference, but then again there was no difference because of the relationship I had with the first two.
But if you get into a relationship and you treat stepchildren differently than you treat your own, different sets of rules, what kind of gifts you give etc., the step children will know the bias and unless they are of wonderful character, they're going to get even and it will be your child that pays the price.
If you cannot treat stepchildren the way you treat your own children, don't do it. Over the years I have learned it makes really no difference, treat them the same, either it should come naturally or it should be a conscious decision that you will treat them all equally.
If you cannot do this, you shouldn't be involved with anyone with children, and by God, never ever expect someone to treat your child any differently than you would treat their child, so if you think it's okay to treat stepchildren differently, you shouldn't have any problem with somebody treating your child differently.
DR
 
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