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wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 107 (view)

What makes a good man? Posted: 10/19/2008 8:24:24 PM
Tungsten, One would objectively think you were right, but why then, do so many women choose men without these qualities over men with them? The answer has to do with their level of awareness of what motivates them. I have found that many of the women I meet are looking for their dad, their last relationship again, or something that they consciously would never admit to (including someone that either physically or verbally abuses them). So don't worry if you have all those qualities and still keep striking out. I feel the same way, but it's just a matter of time.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 60 (view)

Single, Over 45 and Starving? Posted: 10/19/2008 8:07:11 PM
Yes, it's difficult to make a real meal for just myself. I think that the only secret is "sharing the wealth" by making friends with others. A good core group of close friends is something more difficult for men (who according to polls have only 1-3 close friends in the average). However, it's really important for guys to get themselves a core group that cares about their health and diet. I try sometimes exchanging minor home repairs for food, and that is usually a mutually beneficial arrangement.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 68 (view)

Can you learn to love someone you only like? Posted: 5/25/2008 2:01:35 AM
I believe in self-determination, and while I feel the question of "Can you learn to love someone you only like?" is posed in a somewhat misleading manner, I think the answer is a definite YES. However, first you have to really learn how to love. It's a rare skill these days. And then, yes, when you know how to love, you can DECIDE to love someone with whom you do not feel strong physical or emotional "love" yet. In fact, you could learn to love a person you didn't really like if you were truly enlightened. However, for most of us, the person should really be someone that you do not already have adverse feelings for, and generally respect. By committing to treat that person in a truly loving manner, I believe you can transform yourself and the way you view your partner, and develop a far deeper and more intimate relationship than you would likely have for a person for which you felt an initial attraction, but had not devoted yourself to loving. The question of "settling" is a fairly shallow concept. It implies a scale on which age, looks, and personality and everything about a person is graded. If you feel someone has a lower score, you would be "settling" if you were to choose to be with them. For example, if believed yourself a '7' you would be settling if your prospective mate were a '6', but would consider yourself fortunate to have them if they were an '8'. Looks fade though, and if you truly love someone as your partner, their form becomes the standard against which others are measured against (as far as looks go). If your partner is this shallow, then you are actually somewhat lucky because they may well think they are getting a good deal with you if it's someone that you would, on such a scale, feel had a lower 'score' than you. That said, there are many dimensions to a relationship, and while we often make the exact opposite choice that we should in choosing a partner (random selection would do better for a good lot of people), a person would probably be wise to choose someone that matches up with their personality, that they share common interests with, and for which they feel physically attracted to if that is an option. - DjK

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Can you cut back on calories and still add muscle mass? Posted: 5/13/2008 5:07:12 AM
It's about balance and lifestyle. If you want to build muscle mass, you have to work your muscles hard. They will then need fuel to rebuild. They can synthesize this from your stored fat, or if you don't have enough of that, you'll have to supply it in the diet. If you are already quite lean, you'll want to have a protein rich diet after your workout for a couple days. Then lean it out. I'm a fan of the two hard days of exercise a week regime because I feel that muscles need time to heal and grow. If you tear them down every day, you won't get any muscle growth, just lean strong muscle (and maybe some injuries).

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Mexico Posted: 5/13/2008 4:57:38 AM
Depending on your children's ages, you may or may not want to visit ruins. Many of the resorts in Mexico are more like armed enclaves where you are held captive in an area where they ensure your safety and security (and ensure that local vendors don't bother you). Problem is that you don't get much of the flavor of the country that way. Going out and meeting real Mexican people can be a deeply rewarding experience, especially if you speak the language, but as a single mom with two children, you may have to consider their security. Parts of Mexico (including several parts where there are ruins) are a bit wild. Have you ever considered a cruise? I went on a cruise from San Diego that hit Puerto Violarta, Cabo San Lucas, and Mazatlan (one a day) and there seemed a lot to do (no ruins though). Just a thought.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we Posted: 5/13/2008 4:49:52 AM
It sounds like the men you have dated want an intimate relationship immediately. People are all over the board on when to let their kids meet a person they are dating. Introducing the person as a friend, with no demonstration of intimacy is one way to allow the person to get familiar with your children. If your children are at an age or a space where you think it would be difficult for them to take this step, you certainly are making the right call. I would say, be upfront before you even start dating. Say I want to date a few months before involving the children in our outings. Guys are much more receptive if they know the rules from the start. If you say this and they still get upset, then they are not respecting you, and probably wouldn't in other areas of the relationship either, so it's a big red flag. Just my thoughts.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 108 (view)

Is This Considered Cheating ??? Posted: 5/13/2008 4:42:41 AM
People MUST be honest with their partner. Whether they consider masterbating in front of another person cheating or not, it's a sexual act, and they should never keep it a secret from their spouse. They must talk to their spouse about it. The fact that they have longings for another tells me there are serious problems with both their relationships. If they are as committed to their relationships as they say, they need to break out of their comfort zone and discuss some of the issues that are keeping them from feeling the level of intimacy they desire with their partner.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

What they say versus what they think. Posted: 5/13/2008 4:36:46 AM
The question about whether age is importantcertainly comes up a lot. I think that 1) Your friend certainly has a right to expect that someone they meet will be honest about their age. If the person is not honest, they can't make an informed decision, and once the trust is gone, no matter what the reason for the deception, it's hard to regain it. 2) A person's age in years is not indicative of their overall health and number of truly enjoyable years left. We never know when we will start to begin to feel seriously debilitated, but a healthy lifestyle that involves exercise, good diet, avoidance of smoking or excessive drinking, and weight management make a tremendous difference. I certainly have dated women older than me and not given the age difference a second thought. 3) If the age difference bothers your friend they should be true to themselves, BUT 4) They're probably no spring chicken either (am I right). We all age at pretty much the same rate, so if a couple is a good match lifestyle wise now, why wouldn't they stay that way?

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 100 (view)

Have you ever gotten scammed? Posted: 10/3/2007 11:40:19 PM
Just remember that you have to look a the person in an entirely different light once they request you provide them something tangible. Make no mistake.... ONLY CON ARTISTS DO THAT TO SOMEONE THEY DON'T KNOW!! No matter what promises they give you, you'll never see the person you imagine (or your money again). Do you know that the picture is really the person you're dealing with? (it's not) Have you met them? (you won't). If you can spot by the bad grammar that it's not legit, you're lucky. There are a lot of "call center" operations sending off these type letters all day long from the US and Canada, so don't go by that. The guy is always upper tier income, unattached, and with no kids. Why? So you'll think that for a little investment you'll get a big return. Scammers have been using the same formula for ages. Play on people's desire to get a lot for a little (greed). Scammers justify it by saying they are just teaching a lesson to people that are greedy and shallow - (that's why the guy is good looking too).

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Why try to mend that which is broken? Posted: 9/18/2007 12:50:17 AM
I think rightgirl4u2 makes some good points. I would add that most people could not put down in writing what their expectations are from their partner in a relationship, and that lack of self-awareness is a big factor in failed relationships for a lot of Americans. Basically, we're confused. Why is it so rare for couples to be able to communicate what's important to each other early in the relationship, or say what they want later before the frustration gets to the boiling point? We don't get a lot of training on it for one thing I guess. Maybe instead of jumping back in the saddle so soon, you'll want to check a little closer to see what kind of animal you got that saddle strapped onto first. If you can wait to see if that someone you just met is someone that you can relate to easily, you have common interests with, and share a common vision of a future together, it's got promise. Later, the next big step may be to see if you're each willing to commit to being generous, faithful, and fair to each other. If so, then it may last a bit longer. The rest is just a matter of letting go of the stuff that doesn't matter. You know, the little stuff that doesn't matter in the big scheme of things.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

20,000 more single men then women Posted: 9/18/2007 12:14:31 AM
You asked for any theories to explain that you saw that there were a lot more guys than women in the Seattle area (20,000 you say). Could be because guys are following the jobs which are coming to the area in greater numbers than women are. Nationally there are more men overall, and up to a certain age, but I think around 50 it tips the other way (yeah us guys die younger). Kind of like a gold rush economy now though, and a lot of new jobs in Seattle. Does that make sense to anyone? Anyway, about the mail order bride thing that everyone is talking about, I think that there are a lot of cultural and language barriers that a guy would definitely need to be sensitive to. And, of course, there's always the chance she is playing the guy, intending to claim she is being abused, get a restraining order and "maintenance", and find a guy she really likes. (Washington state won't deport her if she claims abuse). Guys just need to really get to know whomever they are thinking about getting serious about, mail order or not. Like one poster said, it's not what they look like, but how they treat you (OK, she said this right after saying how hot the guy she was with was, but it's true anyway). Problem is that I've found that there are a lot of women out there with poor self esteem, and they don't treat anyone very good (their selves included). Probably has something to do with weight, but I don't want to even touch that one. Regardless, it makes the "shortage" even worse.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

From Friends to Dating to Long Term Posted: 9/17/2007 11:11:07 PM
Katie, I think that some guys know that they really want a serious relationship and others are not so sure. For guys that want to ease into a relationship more slowly, or are a bit more skittish, I think they would more likely search/find you if you said you were looking for friends. I don't think that if you put both friends and long term down you would eliminate very many guys though. I mean who wants to be in a long term relationship with someone that doesn't want to be their friend? (That's rhetorical - I don't want to start another thread here). Good luck friend. I'll be pulling for you.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 1945 (view)

Why Do I See More Caucasian Men Dating Asian Women? Posted: 9/3/2007 6:59:02 PM
Problem with commonly held misconceptions is that if enough people believe them, they become a factor in decision making. That said, the "stereotypes" in this case do have a factor in the phenomenon the poster is seeing. Say things plainly, and the ignorant get upset and try to attack you back personally. I feel sorry for the guy who has to try to attack me personally, and imply I was attacking his mother because I said what's commonly and plainly spoken . I happen to believe that there's a good chunk of people that give considerable credence to these stereotypes and make decisions accordingly. Not only do people repeat them to me, but I see them reinforced on TV with regularity. And, correct or not, they influence the decision making process leading to more Caucasian guys with Asian women. So, either agree with me, offer a better rationale that explains it, or refute that it's happening. That said, I have never judged a person by any such stereotype, and I hate putting people in "boxes", but that's not what this about. It's about explaining what people are seeing. If you don't want to understand what's going on, just believe that everybody is as fair as that, shoot down every explanation, and live in ignorance. If you don't want to see an answer to the question, why are you on this forum anyway???

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 102 (view)

In A Grocery Store ... Should I Run Her Down With My Shopping Cart? Posted: 9/2/2007 11:19:12 PM
I want to thank snoogles. You're the only good advice I've seen on this thread. That would really work. Sure beats my latest idea of stepping on their heel to give them a flat tire. In hindsight, I should have known that was a bad idea. No, really I think anything that could be construed as a physical attack has a very limited possibility of success. the other think I thought of was saying hey, there's a sale on spam (or whatever) on the next aisle. When they say they don't use that, tell them that it's more versatile than they might think, and to come over and see for themself tomorrow. Would that work or not? Let's hear some women's perspectives. --D

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

Were you wrong?... Posted: 9/2/2007 10:46:46 PM
First off, also my congratulations to oldsoul. That really took guts, and that's a big part of healing. Having the guts to live again. Even oldsouls make mistakes though, and unless you're better than the rest of us, you make them too. It's unfair to hold yourself to a higher standard (not to mention insulting to the rest of us). I believe guilt is a wasted emotion, as are regrets in general. My advice to you would be: Spend the time soul searching to find out what really went wrong. Then take full ownership of what was your fault, admit your mistakes, solemnly swear not to make them again, forgive yourself, dust yourself off, and get on with life with all the positive energy you can muster. You've only got one shot at this, and time is something you can never get back. Your children and grandchildren need and deserve a whole person NOW for a mother and grandmother that can help guide and teach them, not a dependant with a broken wing who's so sorry for herself she can't even function for years on end (it's been over two years now, wow). As for the personality matches being the key, I couldn't have said it better. I believe most breakups are because people are just not a good match, and they break up over something silly because they either both realize it, or one has been internalizing so much frustration that they just blow. There's a lot of reasons for this, many people are attracted to a person that is not a good personality match for them. They repeatedly get in relations with these otherwise great people, and just can't make it work. The key is education. --D

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 1528 (view)

Has anyone been brave enough to meet someone with no pic at all? Posted: 9/2/2007 10:18:38 PM
I think that great tiger guy sums up what my friends and I have experienced pretty well. Most common reasons are either poor self esteem, or they somehow think that the guy will be just so into them that he won't care about the weight. Regardless of whether the weight is an issue to him, more guys than not do care about the honesty (HWP doesn't mean height and waist size are the same number). I would however, Email someone without a picture, but only with the proviso that I do get a recent picture before we meet (if we're even that compatible). There's a lot of reasons women may not want to post pictures (stalkers, etc.)

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 164 (view)

How focused on image and weight are most men? Posted: 9/1/2007 8:43:37 PM
First, give credit to Milo for defusing Almond's bias that a man is using a women when they are in a relationship that doesn't work. It's a two way street honey, and unless you got a camera in their bed, you got no idea who's using who - and most often it's mutual. (Email me if you do have a camera in their bed though). Second, obesity has hit epidemic proportions and people that need to lose weight for their health are less attractive for the simple fact that they are far more likely to suffer health problems and not be around for old age. Third, if you've ever been with (or tried to be with) an obese person (man or woman), it's a real turnoff, and men have a libido that is not something they can make decisions for. If their libido is not excited by a fat woman, then they really have to be honest about what it takes to get them interested sexually. How is that not honest and forthright? Lastly, people who are overweight more often than not have a poor self image, and if you've ever been with someone that suffers from a poor self image, you can understand what an uphill battle that is. For one, you can't give them a complement without them thinking you are lying to them. Who needs that.

wishinubmine

Joined: 10/5/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

What to do in Olympia? Posted: 4/1/2006 11:40:52 PM
There's a pretty good diversity of things to do, I think. There is a weekend guide in the Thursday Olympian, and the Friday Tacoma News Tribune which have listings of a number of any number of things. In addition, there are a great many trails, parks, and winding roads for that weekend Motorcycle trip. A lot of people like to do sports leagues (volleyball, bowling, pool, etc.) Now that it's getting warmer, more people will be getting out on the water, and into the outdoors. We're pretty close to Crystal Mountain ski resort if you like to ski (one of my hobbies), and Mt. Rainier is fun year round. If you have a particular interest, drop me a line. I may not know the answer, but may know where to point you to someone that does. Yours, Dave.

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