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seashoreartist

Joined: 8/27/2008

Msg: 802 (view)

Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder) Posted: 9/21/2008 11:55:09 PM
This letter is written by the only recovering BPD I have ever heard of...it hit me right in the heart, but I needed to read it and learn the lesson. She is well known and has a website if you are interested in more information. I copied it as it was written...so, don't write me about any typos. __________________________________________________________ CAN A NON-BORDERLINE HELP A BORDERLINE? I added this article as it had such an impact on me when I first read it. I sort of went through the grieving process over this article - I denied what the content was saying, I got angry over some of her conclusions, but then it dawned on me that A.J has recovered from this disorder and she was speaking from a BP perspective. A perspective that was hard to accept, let alone follow. I have included a lot of A.J's writings on the site as she gives an understanding that most Non's battle with. I hope you find this, and the rest of her articles, helpful. ~mjtacc~ A Recovering BP I receive so many questions from many people who are in relationships with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. (BPD) The question most asked is: "Can I help the Borderline in my life?" My answer is, for the most part, NO! The biggest problem with this dynamic of the "non-borderline" (for lack of a better term) trying to help the borderline is that with very few exceptions (rare exceptions) any attempts made to "help" the borderline will not be in the best interest of the "non-borderline." It is also a tricky place to be with anyone. Whenever we think that we can change someone else, or that our "helping" them is dependant upon their changing we are setting ourselves up in codependent/enmeshed styles of relating. Most borderlines (until a certain amount of healing takes place) do not see "other", they do not see you, they see only themselves. You, if you exists, emotionally to your borderline are likely just a mirror reflecting back what the borderline chooses to see about him/herself. More often than not, the borderline will not accept what is in this reflection and will transfer on to "other" what is unacceptable to him/herself about him/herself. In my opinion, you (non-borderline) cannot "make" a borderline see anything, understand anything or "get it". The changes necessary for any borderline to "get it" (to emotionally grow up) and be able to relate in an age-appropriate way -- consistently must come from within. The borderline has to want to first recognize that change may be necessary in order for him/her to be able to build and sustain relationships. The borderline has to come to an understanding of how he/she effects those around them. Then he/she has to learn how to be in touch with their conscience and ability to hear what others say, to appreciate how others feel etc, aside from oneself. The borderline is often caught in a very self-absorbed trap which itself is a defense mechanism by which the borderline seeks to not feel annihilated. (That is to say it is a protection against any perceived or real threat to what is already a fragmented and vulnerable ego) When I was in the worst throes of BPD, no one could help me. I know this first hand. Many people tried. I would just use them and turn everything on them. I didn't know any other way to relate. I didn't know I was doing that for a long time. Whatever I felt those around me had better feel too or there would be hell to pay. If I felt something that no one else felt then it left me feeling unreal because my existence was dependant upon and defined by "other" and not from within myself. I had no identity all on my own. This is one of the major reasons why you can't help a borderline. It takes a lot of dedicated work in therapy over time to unwind the defense mechanisms that operate in BPD. The people who tried to help me were played with and manipulated in my past. Sometimes it was calculated. Other times it was just habit. It was one of the toughest things to heal and to learn to STOP. Until a borderline takes personal responsibility for his/herself the games, manipulations and lies will not stop. Until a borderline learns how to feel their own feelings, cry, and take care of themselves emotionally there is just nothing anyone else can do to help them or to change how they relate to anyone else, or themselves for that matter. The best thing to do if you love someone who has BPD is to put your energy toward suggesting that they get professional help. Even this can cause explosions and difficulties. Each and everyone of you who loves someone with BPD the single-most important thing I want to convey to you, is this: Take care of yourself first. By taking care of yourself and by staying out of the borderline dance of intimacy, dance of anger, dance of.......etc etc you can send a clear, honest, and loving (tough love, but loving) message to the person with BPD. What helped me to change the most, aside from therapy and a dogged-determination to work through the thoughts and behaviour was beginning to realize what I was doing to myself and to others. It was the honest mirroring back of people, therapists first, people in my life, secondly, as I slowly began to let more people know me (and as I came to "know me") that made all the difference in the world for me. If people had continued to try to please me (which was IMPOSSIBLE anyway) I might never have suffered the heart-wrenching losses that I had to suffer and learn from in order to grow and to grow up. Each of us must take care of ourself. It is nice to be able to care about someone else and to have some positive impact in their life. However, when it comes to personality disorders, and especially to BPD, the only saviour that exists is the individual borderline, him/herself. Try to be supportive but in taking care of yourself you will have to give clear messages and stick with your boundaries even when they are challenged by the borderline in your life. I can honestly say that after all I have gone through with this personality disorder one of the hardest things to reconcile and live with is how I treated people in the past and how my closer relationships unfolded, and blew apart. It was only my own willingness to look at my role in these life experiences that enabled me to make changes. I had to heal my past, let go of old-patterned maladaptive ways of coping. I had to change to fit into what is deemed "healthy relating". Anything short of this and I would still be being emotionally abusive. The line between "appropriate" and "abusive" can get very blurry when one is in a relationship with a borderline. I urge anyone in this situation to keep that line in sharp focus at all times. Not a popular answer, not the answer that most want to hear, but, NO, you cannot help a borderline. Each borderline has to help him/herself. Even if you could lead the "horse" to water you can't necessarily get him/her to drink. I think it is important to care. But, if in the process of caring for yourself you have to put space, time, distance, etc between you and a borderline -- most of which many borderlines find totally intolerable and will experience as abandonment, then do it. Do what you have to do for yourself and or any children involved. In the case of BPD, it is cruel to be kind to the extent that you enable abuse of any kind. It is cruel to insist on anything less than acceptable adult behaviour. © Ms. A.J. Mahari September 6, 1999

seashoreartist

Joined: 8/27/2008

Msg: 801 (view)

Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder) Posted: 9/21/2008 11:41:21 PM
This is how the BPD acts, not my words...the definition according to (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) [DSM-IV Definition of BPD A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting." Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10: The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next. Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states at one time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other. When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his one-dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in order to preserve the all-good image of the other person. Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Chronic feelings of emptiness. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes somewhat removed from "reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions without being fully connected to their performance ("running on automatic"), or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association" and involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of the world. There is no "pure" BPD; it coexists with other illnesses. These are the most common. BPD may coexist with: Post traumatic stress disorder Mood disorders Panic/anxiety disorders Substance abuse (54% of BPs also have a problem with substance abuse) Gender identity disorder Attention deficit disorder Eating disorders Multiple personality disorder Obsessive-compulsive disorder ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Seashoreartist) Repairing the damage from this relationship took therapy, I am proud of myself for getting the help I needed. Fortunately for me, these therapist had personally experienced his wrath and impulsive behavior. I was treated for PTSD and now have a clean bill of mental health from two professional Psychologist Phds. You are right, he did have other personality disorders and as you can see from the description in the above article...that is part of having BPD. Borderline means it borders on other disorders...it isn't just one disorder but several. I don't wish this disorder on anyone. Most BPD experienced abuse as a child. Are you girls sure you have BPD, there are hormonal changes and imbalance that mimic Personality Disorders? There is help for that. I don't hate this guy, I felt the total opposite...he will never know happiness or joy. He will never have peace. He has no one and will grow old and spend the rest of his life alone. I was a member of several organizations that had over 100,000 members at a given time...all in relationships/marriages...the children of or the parent of or the spouse or GF/BF of a BPD. We ALL experienced the same treatment by the BPD in our lives, we all were looking for answers and had hope. I am not the exception, there were people who had it much worse than I did. So...no, I don't have a mental problem...had never had one until the compassion I showed for another human being came back and bit me.

seashoreartist

Joined: 8/27/2008

Msg: 794 (view)

Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder) Posted: 9/21/2008 2:17:39 PM
Actually the police dept and all of those doctors were concerned because I didn't want to see how dangerous this man was. It wasn't until he wrapped his hands around my throat and attempted to break both my jaws that I got the message. His temper tantrums were highly abusive...that in itself is enough of a reason not to be in a relationship with a BPD. Yes, it is a FACT not an assumption...said straight to me in every case, that these specialist (doctors) were afraid for their own "safety" Some of them put it in writing as well. An entire health clinic denied him access to their facility because he was so abusive verbally to their employees and the CEO was in fear for his employees safety. My own primary doctor stopped seeing me because of his threats to her in faxes...she stated "He is dangerous and I fear for my life if I continue to see you" These doctors facilitated my having access to literally over 500 reports written on this disorder. Many of these research/studies supported these specialist in their decisions not to treat BPD, it was a wasted effort. Still, I stood by my guy and endured his abusive, impulsive, angry behavior. SO THERE...that is the TRUTH! There was over $200, 000 spent in mental health care for him...it cost me another $250,000 out of my pocket and what was done to me emotionally...there is NO price tag. Every form of treatment was tried...I would see tiny rays of hope and hang in there with him. Then he would decide that he didn't need to take the medication...everyone else was the problem. We are talking a highly intelligent and highly educated man. He lost many a job because he was so explosive with co-workers. The suicide threats were his way of getting attention, but he loved himself so much that he wasn't about to do that...HE had NO problem causing physical and emotional pain to others. I gave him 6 years of my life, I am the only person that stood by him...his family was tired of the drama and never wanted to see him again even to this day. The state of CA issued a LIFE TIME restraining order that is VALID in every state in the US after the endless stream of witnesses came forward in court...each speaking of their being abused at his hands, both physically and mentally. There were HIS friends that had come to fear him. He has destroyed countless people in his wake... NO abuse is acceptable abuse...the cost of being in a relationship is too high. One of the worse things people can do is stay with a BPD for the "childrens" sake. The children are damaged for life...they see that boundaries mean nothing and that being abusive is a way of life. Self-esteem isn't part of their world. The exceptions to this are few and far apart. I am sorry for those of you who have this disorder, if you are seeing a therapist...great, but that doesn't give you the right to destroy someone else who tries to love you. One dead person at the hands of an abuser be it BPD or any of the other mental disorders is one too many. There is research going on at a number of major University Medical Centers, if you have BPD I suggest you get into some of those research programs...you will be the first to know when there is a break through and God knows I pray for that. This man is out of my life forever, what he did to my life and my son's can never be totally erased. I respect other people's opinions here, so please don't treat mine with disrepect...they are MY experiences.

seashoreartist

Joined: 8/27/2008

Msg: 784 (view)

Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder) Posted: 9/19/2008 11:06:09 PM
Yes, I have...I was in a relationship with a BP. Run, Run, Run...don't walk...Run. Did I say Run enough??? After the 10th therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist refused to continue seeing him...I got the message. They were in fear for their own lives. They CAN NOT be helped and DO NOT improve...it is an endless cycle of abuse. Read a book called "Walking On Eggshells" and another called "Emotional Black Mail". The scars that lead to this disorder are deep and entrenched. It is a defect within the brain...love doesn't heal it. I know, I tried. Most often it requires a restraining order to end a relationship with them. I worked with abused GF/BF and spouses of BPs as a counselor. Many of these people had been fortunate enough to survive attempts of their BP trying to kill them...some were not so lucky. One of the saddess and most memorable was the woman who was shot and killed in front of her children by her soon to be ex husband after he came home from church. You can't help them and if you are foolish enough to think you can...you will lose YOU in the process. Someone I highly respect said "If the cost of being in a relationship means giving up who you are and your diginity...the COST is too HIGH." "GET OUT!" RUN...tell your family, friends, the police...go to a domestic violence center for help with an escape plan. YOU don't tell your BP....most abused women who are killed, are killed the day they try to leave their abuser. Men are just as much a victim of BP women. A very dear Minister friend's BP wife ran him off the road with her car at 60 miles an hour while he was driving his truck...their children were in the truck with him. They survived by a miracle. $300,000 dollars (what he spent fighting for his children), later a court awarded her custody of their 2 children in a Texas court room. He had all the evidence on his side, but the judge ignored it all. The stories are endless.

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