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gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 148 (view)

Why do women ask this question? Posted: 11/25/2006 2:35:14 PM
"Its important to be honest to your partner about that question because is all comes down to STD. Member when you sleep with someone you sleep with whoever else has been with that person. Be honest! " Vixen is right-STD's are a valid and vital concern. My answer would be, if I got an insistent line of interrogation from a woman I was dating, let's both get STD tested and wait to have sex until the results come back. Let's do that tomorrow morning. If we are both clean, what difference does it make how many women I had sex with, or how many men she had in the past? You can have sex with one person and get an STD! You can get herpes just from kissing! Besides, such past based questions can have a negative impact on the relationship (comparisons with other partners, etc.). I believe some privacy is acceptable in a relationship-I dont have a right to read a woman's diary of personal thoughts, for example. There may be things they are talking to a therapist about , that they can't deal with telling me. How does it help the relationship to force someone to spill the beans on past traumas or things they are leaving behind? Steve C. St. Louis, MO

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 147 (view)

Why do women ask this question? Posted: 11/25/2006 2:25:36 PM
Since I was married before (briefly and badly), I would prepare a pat answer something like this: "I was married briefly in the past, so yes I have had sex with a woman. As far as the total number of women I have had sex with in my whole life, I do not see how that is relevant to our current relationship. I can confirm that I am free from any diseases and have not dated anyone for a while. Why are you asking me a question like this, and why does it matter?" This puts the question back on her, to justify why she is asking (why do women ask this question anyway?). If the woman started to get pissy about it, I would say, "What is in the past is in the past for both of us. Dredging up what happened years ago is not going to be good for our relationship now-I don't want to be compared to people you went out with before, and I am sure you don't want that comparison either. Nothing good can come of such past-based conversation". That is what I would say. Good advice-guys, be ready with an answer like this, and rehearse it before the important date! Steve C. St. Louis, Mo

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

Dating after divorce Posted: 9/23/2006 6:26:01 AM
I agree with this policy, as a guy. I admit I was attracted one time to a 'separated' woman, but I have pulled back. I am in a community group with this person, so I see them regularly. We are just friends now and that is fine with me. She is a sweet person but is not 'divorced' yet and has understandable issues to resolve. I am more than happy to give her space to work out her issues and keep at a distance. I went through a divorce, and did try to date a couple times after separation but was not ready for a relationship (understandable given the poor way my ex wife treated me and the trust issues I still have to some extent). I pretty much did not try to date anyone for 2.5 years after the divorce. I have dated a few times here in St Louis but have not found a good woman to be my partner yet. That is fine, I am not going to rush into anything. As a guy, I can vouch for this advice. Do not date anyone who has not been divorced for at least a year, preferably longer. Also, I would find out what the current interaction is with the "ex". I briefly dated a years-divorced woman, who admitted to me that for years after the divorce, she was still 'hooking up' with her ex husband!! I think asking about the current status of the "ex" is a fair question early in the relationship. I can understand if there is interaction with the "ex" centered around custody and visits with children. I would be suspicious if the person I am dating has regular social contact with an "ex". Also ask the friends of your partner, who might 'spill the beans' more easily about any ongoing situations. Steve C.

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

Same issue with women Posted: 9/23/2006 6:16:08 AM
In my experience, it is better to only date those who are fully divorced. There are special situations now and then-I once knew a guy who put off filing divorce papers for years so he could keep his ex wife on his health insurance at work (this may have been part of their separation agreement). He was definitely not going back to his ex, but he had kids he shared custody with so he had to work with his ex-wife to be able to be around his kids. That is understandable. However, if you are dating a 'separated' person, there is always that chance they can 'go back' to their old flame. I think common sense could tell you if they are still married. If they only give you a cell number and not a home phone. If they are evasive/secretive about where they actually live, or have some excuse ready every time you suggest going to 'their place'. Tell your partner you want to hang out with his/her friends. A single person would welcome this, but a married one will start tap dancing around and delaying any meeting with friends that could blow his/her cover. I think there are a fair number of married women who fool around (I have known of this personally with women I used to know), but I think it is more common with men in America. Dating is difficult these days-people are so mobile, that you don't know who you are dealing with a lot of the time. A person can masquerade as one kind of person in a town one day, and go somewhere else the next and be someone else. For me personally, I prefer to date people that live nearby. 'Long distance' relationships are more likely to involve someone who is married and seeking a relationship on the side-it is easier for them to hide their married status when they don't live in the same area. Steve C.

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Say it once, and stop contact Posted: 9/23/2006 5:54:51 AM
There is a GREAT book I think everyone should read, especially women. It is called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. He is an international expert on predicting behavior. The book covers a range of topics, from the 'stalker' type guys a couple of you have talked about, to predicting violent behavior. I have 2 degrees in psychology, and I can say this guy is on the money. The book is available in paperback for about $6. This book could save your life, literally. Anyway, here is his advice on how to deal with a 'stalker' type who is attracted to you. About 6 years ago, I had a guy stalking me over the telephone. I tried to be his friend, but it turned out he was a closet homosexual who was attracted to me I had moved away from his town, and he did not have a car (thank goodness, he would have been on my doorstep probably). Anyway, I wrote him a letter stating that I would no longer be his friend. He called me at work-the first time, I said No, don't call me, I don't like you anymore. Then I STOPPED CONTACT. When he would call, I would hang up and not say anything. It took discipline, but finally, 5 months later, the calls stopped. Never heard from him again. I have just illustrated, with my true story, the best way to deal with 'Mr. Persistent': 1)Meet him in public, maybe with a friend standing around nearby in case anything goes wrong. TELL HIM NO ONE TIME, in clear unmistakeable terms. State something like, "I will be seeking other people to date, and I am sure you will do the same thing. Our relationship is over." LEAVE RIGHT AWAY. Don't engage in arguments or let him push your buttons. 2) STOP ALL CONTACT!!!! This is DeBeckers strongest advice. Each contact you have with the stalker/Mr. Persistent BUYS you 6 more weeks of harassment. Even if you are negative with him, to him a negative interaction is better than no interaction at all. It does not make any sense to tell the stalker "No, I don't want to talk to you anymore" 15 times-when you do that you are talking to him, which is what he wants!!! 3)DeBecker reccomends AGAINST filing restraining orders, unless the person is proven to be nonviolent (such as a nice guy/puppy dog lover or former employee that won't go away). When a restraining order is filed against a potentially violent person (read the book to learn the signs), it is like public emasculation and humilitaion, and often enrages them even further. Did you know that 95% of girlfriends/wives killed by estranged partners had restraining orders against their partners? Sometimes, the restraining order is found in the cold dead hands of the woman. DeBecker says that SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN JUSTICE when getting out of a bad situation, but if the guy commits a crime (break in, assault, etc), he needs to be prosecuted. Daisie, I sympathize with your situation. I am sure if you had known what I just detailed above, you would have gotten rid of that guy a lot quicker. It is a shame they don't teach this stuff in schools or colleges. I would be very careful about this 'friendship' you now have with him. Given the way he acted before, I would advise you, if I were your friend, to stop contact with this guy. There are a lot of nice, stable guys out there who struggle to find women to date, that would treat you with a lot more respect than this guy did. Blessed Be, Steve

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 508 (view)

Respect in Marriage Posted: 9/21/2006 4:26:02 PM
There are good people and bad people all over the world. Mail order brides are not a cure all (neither are mail order husbands lol). I think it is shortsighted and dumb to generalize about men who want to look beyond the US for a marriage partner. It is also just as dumb to generalize about American women all being greedy, shallow, etc. A lot of women, I think, are just afraid of committing to a marriage and are afraid of being in relationships (dating/romantic) with guys. A lot of men don't do that well either in relationships, they can't stay with one woman, or are abusive. People need to work on themselves to make themselves more independent and desirable to the opposite sex. Don't look at marriage as a way to solve problems. And don't marry anyone that is not your best friend. Best advice I ever got about marriage. Steve

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 406 (view)

Mail order brides Posted: 9/16/2006 10:55:07 PM
Mr. Gordongecko said it very well. It is a CROCK that a woman can take a man to the cleaners in divorce court. Sometimes the woman is on the wrong end of the financial stick, I have heard of that happening, but it is less common. The feminist movement wants all this independence, then they dump the hubby and hire lawyers to clean out his accounts-not very independent! If you want your independence, ladies, let the man keep his money and go out and earn your own! If you are so independent, don't marry a guy to begin with! Anyway, enough of my soapbox. I agree that meeting the women face to face during an extended visit to a foreign country is much better. Also, I would DEFINITELY have any woman who would marry me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement protecting both of our assets. If the marriage ends, we both could pretty much leave what we came in with-no alimony, nothing messy, no huge debts on either side. The prenup would spell it all out. No sunset clause either-my prenup would be good for life! If she won't sign it, we won;t get married. Living together would require a similar 'Living Together' agreement spelling our responsiblities and limitation of liability. I have a brother who is a lawyer so I am covered lol. ANY man getting married these days needs a strong ironclad prenup. Remember a few things: Both you and her need your own lawyer. Let her select a lawyer and pay for it, guys, if you have to. If she loves you as much as she says, she will not have a problem signing a prenup, in my opinion. If she argues against signing a prenup, I would be highly suspicious! Sign it at least a year before the marriage. There can't be any rush to sign before wedding day. Have a cancellation clause-either side can cancel 30 days after signing or after the marriage. If my partner did cancel on me, that would be the end of our fiance/marriage relationship, because I will not marry without a prenup. Steve C.

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

I Need Help Posted: 9/16/2006 10:31:24 PM
I agree with a couple of the other messages. At age 19, you need to go to school (or trade school to learn a craft like pipefitter, carpenter, etc.) and improve your earning potential. A lot of programs can be finished in 2 years or less, and end up in good paying careers. There is a shortage of skilled craftspeople, like carpenters, instrument mechanics, pipefitters in the market. Also fixing cars (auto mechanics degree) is a good paying career. You might be interested in something else. Anyway, you can often work part time while going to school. I would NOT reccomend trying to work full time and take a lot of school hours. Just go to school full time or close to it, and GET IT DONE. Take out your student loans, pell grants, whatever. you don't want to be 40 years old still working on a degree. Do the school thing now BEFORE you have any kids, BEFORE you get 'tied down' to a woman who wants your attention and paychecks all the time. I am not putting down women, but when a person is married, man or woman, it is a LOT harder to go back to school. Usually marriage requires a full time job and it is tough to go back to school while working full time. The spouse may not like you being gone to class all the time. I would give the same advice to a 19 year old woman, by the way. It is a bit harsh to just cut off a relationship because someone is unemployed. Lots of people get laid off through no fault of their own, or a job does not work out due to bad schedules, bad supervisors, etc. A person who cared would certainly be right in saying to find another job, but should be helping you in that process. Maybe you should examine whether this woman really cares about you, or cares more about the money in your wallet. I would have a frank conversation with her about that. Anyway, good luck and happy hunting! Steve C.

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

When do you stop calling, when do you give up? Posted: 9/16/2006 10:19:52 PM
I have been through situations where a woman did not call me back. I dated a woman recently for about 2 months, we had not gotten completely intimate yet but it was getting closer. I thought things were going well. Then she told me a story about running into an 'ex' at a friend's wedding, and how she was emotionally affected by it. She had talked before about struggling to 'get over' this relationship with her 'ex' husband. I listened, was supportive, etc. Then we had a date, where she acted standoffish, aloof. Almost like her mind was somewhere else. She acted like a Stepford wife, almost robotic. It was odd to say the least. I thought to myself, 'she sure did not act very interested, I wonder what is going on. She has usually called me in the past after going out. I will wait for her to call me back. Maybe she needs some space for a few days. I am sure I will hear from her in a few days'. So I waited. I text messaged her mid-week, a few days later. No response (usually she responded to text msg fairly quick). I resisted the urge to call her myself, as I now saw this as a test of how interested she REALLY was in our relationship. It has been since the end of March, and not a single call, or e-mail! I was charigned more than anything. It takes two to tango, and I guess she left the dance floor lol. It was like a poker game, where you call the bluff of the other player. I guess I called her bluff! I wish her well, but she obviously had some major emotional hangup over this ex. Or maybe she was mad because she wanted to dump me later and I beat her to it! The moral of this story-'don't chase a bad hand to the river'. This is poker parlance for saying if you have a bad hand, don't keep throwing money in the pot hoping it will get better later on. Usually it does not get better, and usually you lose your money. Same in relationships-if things get flakey on your partner's end, you can find out a lot by just sitting back and waiting to see what they do (or in my case, what she did not do, which was pick up the phone). Like Kenny Rogers once said, 'Know when to fold 'em, know when to hold em, know when to walk away, know when to run'. Dont be afraid to fold your hand. There is always another deal. Blessed Be, Steve C.

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 57 (view)

Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet... Posted: 1/3/2006 7:54:41 PM
I was separated from my 'ex' in NC, in 2002 (she moved out). She did not treat me very well, financially or otherwise. When I had a conversation with her to try to address the issues we were having, she basically moved out the next day. I had to wait one year to file for the official divorce. So for that year, I did briefly date a couple women, at different times, but they did not work out. I had no contact with my ex, nor did I desire any. I am glad to be halfway across the country so I do not have to worry about running into her in Target or something lol. I am starting to meet women here in STL, so I am hopeful for the future. As for dating a person who is not finally divorced, I think the best approach is to go out 'as friends', and not get real heavy into commitments. Each situation is different, and you should be open minded enough to find out what is really going on behind the scenes, and be willing to give it a chance if you and the other person like each other. As far as dating people with kids, I am personally OK with that, but not everyone is. If a woman loves me and is willing to do their fair share in the relationship, and hold down some kind of living/job, I will give them the same in return, and care for their kids just the same. There are single fathers and mothers out there who are genuine in their search for a loving relationship, and if you are OK with the other person's kids, I think they deserve a chance. That is up to each person though. You should address these issues up front with the other person as you begin your friendship/dating relationship, and be realistic. State that there are no commitments, until the divorce is final, and it is clear that the 'ex' will remain an 'ex'. The above case would obviously qualify, even if the divorce is not final on paper. Blessed Be, Steve

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 179 (view)

Class action against Yahoo Personals and Match.com for fraud Posted: 11/20/2005 6:16:49 AM
I have tried the 'paid' sites a couple of times. I figured out a while back that at least a couple of the sites where I signed up for 'free' (but could not contact anyone unless I paid) were probably sending fake responses. The profiles behind the fake responses were lacking in realistic detail and just did not feel right. If it is proved that Yahoo and Match.com have been sending 'fake' winks or messages, or setting up fake profiles to boost the number of singles supposedly on the site, they should be sued for fraud, and customers who paid should receive full refunds. The companies will probably settle for millions, not admit wrongdoing, and come up with new 'ethical' guidelines about how they run their sites. They are no better than con artists if they are using such trickery to get money out of lonely people. Individual states also should start taking action. In Missouri, contact Jay Nixon, Attorney General, if you have been a 'paid' member of either of these sites, and lodge a complaint. He has been pretty active in consumer protection. If states also seek action, it will increase pressure for settlement, and to expose these sites for what they are, scams. Steve C. St. Louis MO

gandalf3200

Joined: 10/7/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

What do you do when there is no physical attraction????? Posted: 10/13/2005 7:12:08 PM
Hi JR, Actually, JR used to be my nickname at my old job! Anyway, being a rather attractive guy, I have had the unfortunate situation of having unattractive women (and even a guy at one point ) who were attracted to me. Obviously, I am not gay, and I do have standards about the women I date. So I have had to give the bad news to these people that I was not attracted to them in 'that way' and they should accept that. The guy was a weirdo who harrased me over the phone for several months afterwards, but he finally went away. I recently had to tell a woman whom I was not attracted to at ALL, that I just wanted to be friends. She did not take it very well, but recently wrote back to apologize. I am still willing to be friends as long as she accepts me as a friend, and does not make side comments and innuendos when we are together (I hate that!). So the best thing to do is meet him in a public place, and state, "Jim/Jeff/whatever, you are a good guy and I enjoy talking to you, but I do not feel any physical attraction to you and do not think we are a good fit as a couple. I intend to find other people to date, and I expect you will do the same." As long as he has not shown signs of possessiveness or instability, he should take it pretty well. Steve

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