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Thread: Novels that are dramatically different from the films

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 56 (view)

Novels that are dramatically different from the films Posted: 11/23/2009 6:52:56 AM
Oh, this is one of my favorite topics! In most cases, the film version pretty well butchers the book. Some of the worst offenders that spring to mind: 1. The Golden Compass (wtf?) 2. Starship Troopers 3. The Ciderhouse Rules 4. Memoirs of a Geisha 5. The Constant Gardener (and just about anything I've seen based on John LeCarre's novels-the movies just don't begin to capture the complexity) 6. Any adaptation of War and Peace 7. Troy (although I have to confess I enjoy the movie, I just have to pretend it's a story completely separate from The Iliad) 8. Dune (the David Lynch version-the more recent TV one was okay) I could probably go on for hours, but I should note that there are also some very successful adaptations. I was a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings books, but I feel that the movie versions improved upon them in many ways, especially when it came to pacing. I'm sorry, but old JRR was just sooo long-winded and had sooo many unnecessary characters! By the same token, the two Chronicles of Narnia movie versions were quite good. Even though Prince Caspian deviated from the book significantly, I felt it was a good call, since the book was incredibly boring, lol. Another terrific, little-known movie based on a short story is Merry Christmas, Mr. Laurence, based on Laurens van der Post's stories in The Seed and the Sower. Not for the faint-hearted, though! Usually though, it seems the mission of Hollywood is to add action, and simplify, simplify, simplify!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Going alione Posted: 11/23/2009 5:24:46 AM
I always did this during my single days, and sometimes when I was attached, if my partner wasn't interested in what I was doing. I've been to the opera by myself more times than I can count. What's more fun though, is finding a friend or acquaintance who is an "opera virgin" and initiating them. 90 percent want more, so you might find yourself organizing a group of n00b opera-lovers from time to time. If I go to a restaurant alone, I bring a book or magazine. I actually met several guys who stopped by, noting I was reading "The Economist." Although it's fun to share all kinds of experiences, I've always believed you should never deprive yourself just because you have to do it alone, much less because of what others might think.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 56 (view)

Is it Wrong to call a woman handsome? Posted: 11/22/2009 1:17:36 AM
Hmm, I guess I've watched too many old British TV shows. Calling a woman handsome seems perfectly normal to me and not at all back-handed or a thinly veiled put-down. But then, I need to remember that I'm pretty far from normal. Still, I think a good rule of thumb is to not be overly sensitive and take the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended, even if it sounds a little strange.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 33 (view)

time to delete your POF account Posted: 11/19/2009 11:13:54 PM
Found a co-worker on here. He'd viewed my profile, then I viewed his, then we couldn't look at each other the whole next day. After that we were cool, though.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

Is it worthwhile to date here? Posted: 11/19/2009 11:04:04 PM
It's absolutely worthwhile! I'm not saying POF is the solution to all of your problems, but it's a great way to meet people. You just have to have a positive attitude and no expectations. Seriously though, if you approach it as just getting out, having fun and meeting some new people, rather than desperately auditioning for "the ONE," you'll probably have a great time. That's the approach I took, and even though I wasn't looking for anything serious, I found the perfect guy here. So just relax, and have a good time!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

Is it Wrong to call a woman handsome? Posted: 11/18/2009 2:43:47 PM
Do you have the awesome mustache? Yes! But I keep it well-concealed. Don't want to give my bf a rash from . . . er, kissing. Plus, I've never been able to grow it out enough to where I can twirl up the ends in a dastardly-villain sort of way, so what's the point? Aw, poor DBB. How do you cope? I agree, the double standard is shameful. From now on, everyone is handsome! Unless they're not.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Is it Wrong to call a woman handsome? Posted: 11/18/2009 2:27:08 PM
I like it! It sounds like you've been reading 19th-century English novels. I've been called "handsome" before and took it as a compliment. To me, it means attractive, but perhaps too strong-featured to be considered conventionally beautiful. I don't mind that one bit!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 94 (view)

Creepy Posted: 11/16/2009 5:16:54 PM
Sounds like he was really nervous, and socially inept on top of that. All of the talk about "what if we're not attracted to each other" leads me to think he's really insecure and probably feels the OP is out of his league. The fact that he was so late makes me think he probably caught sight of her, realized she really is as pretty as her pics, then spent an hour working up the nerve to approach. Some people are so lacking in confidence that it gives off a creepy vibe- you wonder what's wrong with them that would make them hate themselves so much. As to the "shall we go in," I must be really slow, because I'm not sure what's objectionable about this. I guess you had to be there! I think the moral of this story is though; don't ignore the red flags! If he says something, especially repeatedly that makes you go "hmm," then it's usually best not to move forward. I learned this one the hard way, too!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 67 (view)

Successful Coffee Dates? Posted: 11/2/2009 8:34:31 PM
Well adding that to your list of other fun activities (philosophy, nature, opera, British television, etc) and I just can't imagine why you are still looking... actually, I'm not looking. I'm quite happily taken, by someone I met here. And no, our first date wasn't at a cemetery. As aaamm said, isn't it nice that e-mailing back and forth first can quickly weed out those we are incompatible with. I would have felt really horrible, dragging some poor, unsuspecting guy to a historical site on our first date, when all he wanted was a coffee!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

Successful Coffee Dates? Posted: 11/2/2009 4:04:08 PM
I also think historical cemeteries are a lot of fun. I've visited them here in the States, Europe and Asia. If you don't think you can find any culture there, you've obviously never looked very closely. So yeah, I think it's a great idea for a first meet, if you've got an interesting one nearby. The Civil War Battlefields would float my boat, too.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 75 (view)

Protection From Predators Posted: 11/2/2009 2:37:15 AM
I wonder if something was wrong with the coyotes? Like, they were possibly rabid? I grew up in an area where they were plentiful, and they were never considered the least bit of a threat to humans. More a nuisance, preying on young livestock, if anything. I'm not against carrying a gun while hiking (in the US, of course), and in fact, gave my dad a .22 pistol he takes with him when he's out fly-fishing or hiking. I think the gun owner should be proficient and stay in practice. Don't carry a gun if you're afraid of it, or aren't good at shooting it! I'd still prefer non-lethal methods if at all possible. I've stared down a mountain lion, wondering what the hell I'd do if he decided to have me for breakfast, but learned that being accompanied by a larger dog will deter most big predators. So, take your doggie into the woods with you! In the aftermath of the mountain lion incident, my dad carved a nice walking stick for me with a sharp steel point. I do feel like we have encroached so far into so many wildlife habitats, that it's really our responsibility to use common sense and respect when dealing with predators. I've lived in an area where it was not unusual for bears to wander into town, open house doors and loot refrigerators. As far as I know, this was always resolved in a non-lethal way. Killing the bear was neither necessary, nor justifiable. In any event, while I do feel for the families of those who've been killed in this way, it's hardly a wide-spread problem. So play nice with the critters!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 69 (view)

When a woman cries, how often is it emotional blackmail? Posted: 11/2/2009 1:57:34 AM
I cry pretty easily, and yeah, it's probably a conditioning thing. For the most part, I consider it a healthy release- I shed a few tears, and then I'm good to go. I tend to cry out of anger and frustration as much as anything else. I always let the man in my life know that I probably will cry from time to time, and to not take it personally. It's no big deal. I have used tears as a manipulation tool, especially when I was younger. I'd learned early on that a few crocodile tears turned my daddy into putty in my hands. Unfortunately (for me, lol), it doesn't work on everyone, and I quickly learned that it's not cool to use it in a relationship. I'll admit to still occasionally sinking to the use of tears to try to get my way in a retail exchange environment. Oh, and I did it just a few days ago to get someone to see things my way while I was in the hospital. Hey, it was important!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 82 (view)

Did I do the right thing in telling... Posted: 11/2/2009 1:43:14 AM
I guess part of it comes down to a difference in individual dating style. Some people won't even go on a meet unless they've been assured they're the one and only so far. I always just assumed that until there was an "exclusive" conversation, the guy could message and date as many other women as he had time and energy for. Let him see what's out there and decide that I'm still the best one for him. But that's just me, and I realize others are not comfortable with that. So, while I think the OP was putting the cart before the horse in asking about his dating activities, he should have been honest with her. Also, am I the only one who wants to get a look at the profile of the guy who managed to charm not one, but two fabulous-looking women at the same time? He's got it goin' on!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

Successful Coffee Dates? Posted: 11/2/2009 1:22:03 AM
I think the idea is to have the first meet be casual and inexpensive. That way, if he/she looks 40 years older and 150 lbs larger than their pic, you haven't wasted time or money. I've never felt "interviewy" on these meets, however, and almost always had a good time. I left the timing open-ended, and several times continued with a walk in the park, visiting a street fair, or browsing in a bookstore. I also like meeting for happy hour. Again, cheap and casual, and if things go well, you can have some dinner, or do some karaoke, or both (depending upon state of inebriation)

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Love,Quality of life and who pays Posted: 11/2/2009 12:37:50 AM
I've always felt it was more about the team effort. A healthy couple should both contribute to their well-being. I think we see so many relationship problems when two people get together who don't have the same financial values. I don't mesh well with guys who are all about the almighty dollar, but I find ambition and a good work ethic very attractive. I try to bring those same qualities to a relationship. Based on what I've personally witnessed, and from what I've seen on the forums, this seems to be less a gender issue, and more a giver/taker issue. For every man who has supported a woman for years, there's a woman who's done the same for a man. I know I have, lol. Maybe those who are less driven are attracted to the industrious, and vice versa. Provider types, male and female, are attracted to those who are needy. So the key is to try to avoid this imbalance, no matter how appealing.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

the right girl but i got no moves Posted: 11/2/2009 12:22:17 AM
Ask her out! You feel like you're risking too much if you lose the friendship, but in reality, you stand to lose it all anyway if you don't make a move and she ends up involved with someone else. Do you really want to be the guy with whom she gushes over her new boyfriend who isn't you? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Would dysfunctional family members be a deal breaker for you? Posted: 11/2/2009 12:09:34 AM
Every family has its dysfunction, once you get to know them. I suppose it's a matter of degree, how likely you and your SO are to get caught up in any drama, and how severe the dysfunction is. You can expect problems and craziness just about anywhere, but I think a couple needs to create some boundaries to protect themselves from those who try to interfere and manipulate. I suppose there are some families that are such hopeless messes that it would be just about delusional to think that your SO will turn out any different, but I've seen enough exceptions that I probably wouldn't rule anyone out just based on family. After all, we don't get to choose them!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

do average women with numerous emails even try to get to know a man on pof? Posted: 11/1/2009 8:13:41 AM
Sure we do! We just can't meet with every single guy who e-mails us. When I was dating, I got maybe 3-5 e-mails daily, and that was plenty. 80% weren't worth responding to, although I usually tried to send something polite. The rest, I'd usually make some attempt at further contact, but that was often not reciprocated, or never led to an in-person meeting. I still met quite a few guys, and ended up with Mr. Right, so you could say I was serious. It seems a lot of guys here have a really strange perspective of what we women are looking for on this site. I keep hearing about the ego-boost and entertainment. I'm sorry; it just wasn't that way for me. Most of the messages left me feeling "ew" rather than flattered, and as to entertainment- I had a lot of other things to do that were more fun than conduct awkward e-mail exchanges with random men.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 105 (view)

Would a Woman date a Man if she had a higher salary than him? Posted: 11/1/2009 8:03:24 AM
Hmm, sounds like the OP has a real aversion to work! And that would be the problem for me. I've been the high wager-earner in the relationship, and that didn't bother me at all. What did bother me is that my husband didn't seem to like work very much. I wouldn't have cared if he did a minimum-wage job for the rest of his life-just do something! I think each couple needs to figure this out for themselves. I've known several where her salary was significantly higher, or her job more stable, so it made sense for him to stay home with the kids. My sister and her group of friends are big on being stay-at-home-moms, and have all married guys who want that. I would hardly call it a cushy gig, though. Many of them home-school, and all of them work really hard at creating a nice home for their husbands and children. I know of none who sit around and watch Oprah. Personally, I'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home for any length of time. I wouldn't want to put an infant directly from the womb into daycare, but get me out of the house somehow, omg! I'm just not the house-wifey type. I actually LIKE to work! It doesn't even have to be my dream job; it just has to be something reasonably challenging, reasonably compensated, and with enjoyable co-workers. Besides, as others have pointed out, the assumption that until recently, most women have been stay-at-home moms is just drivel. The vast majority of women were working-class, so they worked. I can't think of a single woman in my ancestry who was a stay-at-home-mom. My mom didn't go work at a traditional job until I was about 10, but we lived on a farm, so she worked on that, in addition to doing all of the house, yard and kid-stuff. In my family, "men's work" was the farm, and "women's work" was the farm and everything else. Not a great deal if you wanted to be a slacker. I think it's nice that both men and women have choices now.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 264 (view)

I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? Posted: 11/1/2009 7:33:23 AM
When I first signed up here, I did the whole "independent" thing on my profile, although I didn't go so far as to say I didn't need a man. I thought I was responding to a very clear message from a lot of men that they were leery of women who just wanted to be supported. I wanted to make it clear that I had a job, intended to keep it, and could take care of myself in that regard. It was only after reading these forums that I realized that an "independent woman" is as big a turnoff as a "nice guy." So, I think part of this is that we all get mixed messages from the opposite sex. Guys don't want to be stuck with a leech or gold-digger, but still wanted to be needed. Women want to be treated with love and respect, but find sweet, doormat guys boring. Somehow, it's really hard to communicate all of this. I guess we just need to try to portray ourselves as honestly as possible and figure the right person will appreciate the right qualities.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Being together for 30, 40, 50 years. Posted: 11/1/2009 7:24:04 AM
I think it's a wonderful thing to aspire to. I've been fortunate to witness several lengthy, happy marriages. My parents have been married 44 years and still clearly enjoy each other's company. They've been through some tough things together, but actually meant their vows when they said them. I'm pretty much the same way. My marriage ended in his death, and if I do it again, I expect it to last until one or both of us passes. This past spring, a couple in my church that had been married for over 60 years passed away, in their nineties, within three days of each other. That just seemed incredibly romantic and perfect to me.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Divorced for 10 years and still wearing the wedding band Posted: 11/1/2009 6:52:16 AM
Because everyone knows you get hit on a lot more if you're wearing a wedding band.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 132 (view)

how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time? Posted: 11/1/2009 6:48:58 AM
Simply put, women these days have options. And it seems like some men haven't caught up with this reality. It really hasn't been that long since women received the opportunities to be financially independent, so I expect it could take a few more decades before some guys wake up and smell the coffee, but I'm sure most will. Until just about thirty years ago, married women tended to avoid divorce due to social stigma and financial instability. These are no longer factors for many, so why stay in an unsatisfying relationship? I'm by no means saying that women are all put-upon saints, and each party bears some responsibility for a failed relationship, but each case I've personally witnessed in which the woman filed for divorce first was a result of serious wrong-doing on her husband's part. As bad as some of the circumstances were, none of these women rushed into their decision. None of them had a man "lined up" for future use. Several of them lost substantial amounts of property since they brought far more to the marriage financially than their husbands had. None of them relished the idea of going through the lengthy, painful and expensive divorce process. They did it because their situation had become unbearable, and I'm glad they had the option of getting out. In order for a relationship to work, BOTH parties have to be invested in it, and work on building a life together. Men and women both can be equally culpable in NOT doing what it takes to make their relationship flourish, but it's also important for both parties to act as a unit, a family, and not just look out for what's in it for them. That's where a lot of relationships go off the rails, IMO.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 155 (view)

COWARD ! - The Ignoring Game Posted: 11/1/2009 6:24:45 AM
It's because doing the right thing is can sometimes be very hard. It took me weeks to work up the courage to break up with my ex. And that was only because I desperately didn't want to hurt him too badly. If I'd known how he would react, it would have been even harder. I couldn't give him closure, because he didn't want to hear, or didn't believe any of my explanations. It unleashed a storm of somewhat scary, passive-aggressive behavior, and ultimately required the involvement of a third party (our pastor) to settle down. Some people have had more than one experience like this, so I could see not wanting to duplicate it, especially if the person they're breaking up with gives any indication of being demanding and/or needy. Of course he should have done the right thing. Many just don't have the intestinal fortitude. I really didn't- I was nauseous for days before and after.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

fall in love too quickly? Posted: 10/27/2009 3:57:43 PM
It's different for every couple. I'm usually inclined to be cautious, but when my bf told me he loved me after six weeks, I believed him, and felt it right back. 9 months later, those feelings are just stronger, if anything. Sometimes you need a lot of time to really get to know and warm up to a person, sometimes, a lot of things just come together at once. Just be true to your own feelings, and don't rush into it just because you're flattered by his words. Let him show you that he means them!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Why you will never find a perfect person for you: A statistician's approach :) Posted: 10/26/2009 12:21:24 PM
Pfft. Someone needs to get out more, and do less number-crunching. He's probably too boring to date, though.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 59 (view)

How to build chemistry with the nice guy after always going for the bad boy? Posted: 10/26/2009 12:18:17 PM
It looks like you've gone from one extreme to the other. There IS a middle ground, in which you find a good man, (not a "nice guy") who is also attractive to you. Now, I don't have a "'bad boy" history like you do, but I've had pretty good luck finding guys who give off a bit of a bad boy vibe, while being wonderful people underneath. I don't necessarily believe that sparks have to fly upon the first meeting, but I don't think you can truly "manufacture" chemistry, either, if there isn't anything to build on. Trust me, I've tried! I had an ex who was perfect for me, on paper. We had everything in common, we could talk for days on end, he treated me like a princess, and all of our mutual acquaintances kept telling me not to let him get away. He was even "kinda" cute. I gave it an honest try. But. I just couldn't stand to kiss him. It just didn't work for me. I tried to give that some time as well, but it just got worse. I cut him loose after a few months, but I'd waited too long. He was pretty attached, and convinced that I was the one. It got pretty ugly. Now I wish I hadn't tried quite so hard to make it work. Give it 3-4 weeks tops, and spare both of you some grief. Fortunately, I didn't follow the advice of everyone who felt I should settle for someone I really wasn't attracted to, just because he had other good qualities. I found someone who makes the sparks fly for me, treats me even MORE like a princess, and is all around, the perfect companion for me. Just don't think that your only choices are between the good-looking players and the unattractive doormats. There are a lot of very attractive men who are also very good men. Take your time, and don't settle for anything less than the complete package. They do exist!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 482 (view)

Decent guys: are they all either taken or gay? Posted: 10/23/2009 4:16:46 PM
why thank you Polyana brightestblue. Glad you have all the answers. So do you send out those everyone is doing great and life is perfect Christmas letters to all the family and friends? Oh yeah, I'm a real Pollyanna, just because I don't ooze bitterness. And you have NO idea what my life has been like. I just choose not to dwell on the negative. I have been told by men i am too nice, too positive, and too together for them. So what do you say to that? I say they should try reading your forum posts to get a clearer picture. Look, I'm not trying to bash you in particular. I just hate all of these posts by men and women alike, demonizing the opposite gender. Life is hard enough (yes, even my PERFECT one ) without dwelling on all the slights, real or imagined, visited by one gender upon the other. I'm really sorry about your dad. It seems that often, the best among us get taken much too soon.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

You're 'not ready for a relationship'? What does that mean? Posted: 10/22/2009 3:54:20 PM
For at least a year-and-a-half after my husband died, I wasn't ready. I found myself really emotionally detached for awhile, and it was hard to care about anyone or anything. Unfortunately, I sort of "drifted" into a relationship with a very nice man I simply couldn't feel anything for. So, when I broke up with him, my line of "I'm not ready" was true, although I didn't feel it necessary to add that I just wasn't that into him. I feel terrible for hurting someone nice, but learned a valuable lesson. I really just needed some time to be on my own, spend time with friends, go out and have fun. My marriage had been a long, stressful nightmare, and it was important for me to fully unwind from that and just enjoy myself for a while. When my current bf came along about six months later, I was ready!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

One man woman never found her one woman man Posted: 10/22/2009 3:43:27 PM
The things these guys have in common is that they are physically very hot, seductive, had fronts of being super nice sweet guys, and they are immature in some ways. Next bf I have will be not all that physically, and mature. And not hanging in bars or on the internet dating sites. I've had it with immature hunks with fake nice guy fronts. This looks like your answer. Choose integrity over looks and you will be pleasantly surprised. Although I have to say, there are some very good men out there who are also quite attractive!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 458 (view)

Decent guys: are they all either taken or gay? Posted: 10/22/2009 3:13:33 PM
kateri28, most good men are going to avoid a hostile and angry woman like the plague. Why be with someone who thinks your whole gender sucks? Men don't have a monopoly on behaving badly. It's kind of a human problem. As a woman, I HATE it when women are constantly being painted as the victims. Are we all helpless little pansies with no say in what becomes of us? If you are an adult, you have absolute control over what you will put up with. If you don't allow yourself to be a victim, you won't be one. If someone doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated, then walk away, don't give them a second thought, and keep looking for someone more to your liking. I dated quite a few guys from this site, and found most of them to be decent. I even landed a great one! All the men I've been in relationships with have been good and decent. I don't think it's just luck, though, or because I'm so wonderful, lol. I think it's because I know what a good man is, that's what I look for, and I won't settle for less. I expect him to treat me with integrity and respect, and it goes without saying that I do likewise. A positive attitude is also helpful. I'm a believer in the self-fulfilling prophecy, and if you expect the worst, it will probably come to pass!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 476 (view)

I think Girls have it a lot easier than Guys when it comes to Love, Dating, Relationships, etc. Posted: 10/21/2009 3:40:09 AM
Ah, yes. I had hoped that the OP would benefit from venting, get it out of his system, and move on. But lo, these many months later, it's the same story. I realize he has issues, and hope he works them out, though it doesn't look like it's going to happen here. As to average guys being "undesirable," says who? I prefer them! I'm really not attracted to pretty-boy model/movie star types. I prefer my man to look a bit rugged and real. Besides, average guys get play all the time- most of my friends are married to average-looking guys. And they're not rich, either. Check out the wedding page of your local paper. You'll see mostly average folks tying the knot. The truth is, most of us are average-that's what it means. And most people are in relationships at least some of the time. If you find over and over again, that the women you approach don't seem to like your looks, you might consider approaching a different type of woman. Also, take a look at the profiles of male posters on this thread who are not put out by the inequities of dating. Most of them are doing quite well on this site, and I think a lot of that stems from from their appealing personalities and positive attitudes, rather than great riches and fabulous looks. I'm willing to concede that you guys don't have it easy. Although, even though I've already said it a million times, I'll say it again- a lot of average-looking women don't have it easy, either. I'm so seldom approached by a man, that I started taking the initiative 25 years ago. If I sat back and waited for the right man to approach me, I'd probably never even have had a boyfriend, and would own at least 40 cats by now! Like several posters above have said- you are responsible for your own happiness. Life can be hard and unfair for anyone, regardless of gender, and it's up to all of us to decide if we're going to complain and do nothing, or take action to achieve a positive outcome.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 52 (view)

Am I missing something here? Posted: 10/18/2009 12:57:44 PM
We may be a bit odd, but there are a few of us around! The thing is, there are actually men whose type we are, and they tend to be intelligent, interesting and unconventional sorts, so while you may have a bit of a wait, you will find a man as relieved and happy to have found you, as you are to have found him. Although there are flakes at every age, I think the consistency thing is largely a maturity issue. It seems that a lot of serious-minded women in their early twenties are dealing with guys who still have a lot of growing up to do. It should get better as you get older. A lot of things do, actually. The feelings of resignation will go away once you get into your first relationship. It might not be instantaneous, though. I think I spent the first several months with my first boyfriend not quite believing this was actually happening to me. At that point, I HAD sort of resigned myself to endless spinsterhood. I'd even acquired a cat! Look, you're pretty, intelligent, and seem to be able to interact well socially. Even though you may not feel it, you're still really young, and still well within the bounds of a normal age for starting your first relationship. There's no reason it can't happen to you. In fact, I'd be willing to be money that it will!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Am I missing something here? Posted: 10/18/2009 5:55:39 AM
Ah, OP, I recognize my 21-year-old self in your posts as well as your profile! I know it's hard to not despair at this point, because it feels that it will never happen, but you're really just getting started. I think there are a couple of things going on with people "like us." Like me, you may very well be a late bloomer. You're probably mentally precocious as hell; just lack the experience in relationships that appears to be the norm for your age. Maybe even physically, you were "ready" later than is typical. There may also be something about you that keeps men from being drawn to you in the way they are drawn to other women. I know that I apparently exude some kind of reserve that makes men feel they are wasting their time in approaching me. I'm polite and friendly, but something about me screams, "back off!" So, I never had the normal teenage experience when it came to dating. Guys just generally weren't interested in me in that way. I got along great with boys and had loads of platonic friends- but no one ever seemed interested in me romantically. In turn, I was pretty selective in who I was attracted to. I was always a bit puzzled by my friends who seemed to have crushes on every third boy they saw. Sure, I was interested in men, sexually, just not indiscriminately. So yeah, you are not the norm when it comes to dating and relationships. But you're not a freak either. Unfortunately, society will give you a lot of crap about it. I was variously accused of being frigid, asexual, lesbian, even physically defective. None of these were true. It's also doubly frustrating to be overflowing with this passion and yearning, and to be accused of lacking it, just because you don't have someone with whom you can express it. Do not despair, however! Shortly before turning 22, I met the man I would eventually marry, and those things that apparently were a barrier for others just weren't for him. Since you're a bit different, it stands to reason that the right person for you will be different as well, and it may simply take some time for you to find each other. And there will be more than one, most likely. Once the ice has been broken, so to speak, you'll probably find yourself getting a lot more interest from men than you're accustomed to. I may never be the belle of the ball, but since 21, I never had to be alone if I didn't want to be. Sorry, not much by way of advice here. All I can say is to try not to be discouraged, shrug off what others think, and try not to be too focused on finding a relationship right now. The more you work on becoming comfortable with yourself, the more confident you'll become, and that will make you attractive to others in general. Good luck, and feel free to PM me anytime you need a pep talk!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

personality matches Posted: 10/15/2009 4:05:39 PM
The whole personality match thing is totally bogus for me. I'm a huge dork, so someone "compatible" is going to be even dorkier. No thanks! When I first got onto pof, I signed onto as well, and did a bunch of their testing. Unfortunately, the one person I had 100% compatibility with on that site was my ex. Great. It's true- we had tons in common, and he was like a male version of me. Pleasant, but way boring!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Do romantic movies or TV shows affect your relationship? Posted: 10/14/2009 11:02:10 PM
Not since I was 16, or so. I think that MOST of us figure out the difference between fictional fantasy and reality fairly early in adult life. This whole idea of the corruption of the female mind by romantic media is old, at least as old as Gustav Flaubert's "Madame Bovary." Poor Emma goes to hell in a handbasket in her hopeless pursuit of the life she's read about in romance novels. The idea is probably much older than that- that was just an example that sprang to mind.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Dating a person with mental illness scare u? Posted: 10/14/2009 12:50:37 PM
I was married to someone who was severely bipolar for 12 years, and there's no way I'd knowingly get back into that situation. There may be some people who are cut out to cope with that sort of thing, but I know I'm not.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

What are good ways to meet people if you've missed out on dating in college / school ? Posted: 10/12/2009 2:44:09 AM
Well, I was in kind of the same boat as you for a while. All of the friends my age had left the area I was living in, and while I had some intriguing co-workers, I just don't go there. I did the volunteer and church thing, but even there, most people were a lot older than I was. To be honest, the place I've always had the best luck making friends of both sexes was in a choir. You don't have to be a great singer, though it helps if you can carry a tune and read music a bit. If you like music at all, you'll probably enjoy it quite a bit. I also met a lot of people by having an intriguing dog (Siberian Husky) and walking him around town twice a day. I got to know all of my neighbors, and met new people on an almost daily basis. Even ended up with a dog park "play-date" once. :-) Still, my best bet for both friends and dating was POF. There turned out to be a lot of singles in my area, I just wasn't hanging out where they were. It wasn't just dates that ended up being plentiful. A lot of people in that area (S. Oregon) were looking for activity partners, usually for hiking, fishing, 4-wheeling, cross-country skiing, etc. I have to say, once I found POF, I never lacked company! I had a friend who was really good at using facebook to meet new people, but that never worked for me, though I'm now virtually hanging out with every person I ever went to school with!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

Prioritizing your boyfriends/girlfriends over your family Posted: 10/11/2009 10:18:53 PM
There needs to be balance. I know the impulse is often, in a new relationship, to want to spend all of your time with your so, because you're so crazy about each other. I think this can go on for a while, and most understanding friends and family will cut you some slack, within reason. I know I do. When it comes to marriage, or a serious LTR, I believe that you are then starting your own family, and that takes priority. It's not your only priority, but it's the first. Some people take this way too far, though. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law did this. Once they got together, they somehow managed to alienate all of their friends. They spent time only with each other, and some close family, mostly hers. All of their social life revolved around close family. Now, they're finishing off a nasty divorce, and guess who has no friends? Neither one! And both their families are sick and tired of hearing their crap after all of these years. Even when you're a family, it's important for each of you to have your own little support system, not to mention it's healthy to spend time apart from your SO, from time to time. If you're talking about a more casual relationship, it's pretty ridiculous to run off everyone you were close to before, but people do it all the time!!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 27 (view)

Happy to be out of a bad relationship. Posted: 10/11/2009 9:22:02 PM
I'm not going to be quite so hard on you OP, since it seems like you've learned quite a bit from the situation. I am also not as tough a cookie as some of my fellow posters- I'm more the soft, chewy, sugar cookie variety. :-) About a year ago, I ended a relationship, because the guy I was with was giving far more than I was giving back. I appreciated what he did, but it made me terribly uncomfortable, because I just didn't have strong feelings for him, and couldn't sincerely reciprocate. I ended it as soon as I could work up the courage, lol. It made me wonder if I couldn't be with a giving person, though. How wrong I was! For the past nine months, I've been with a guy who is extremely giving and treats me like a princess. I have no problem with it whatsoever, because I'm absolutely crazy about him, and am happy to give back in every way I can possibly think of. The give-and-take is effortless, and that's the way it should be when two people are equally into each other. So, what I'm saying is, don't stop being a great guy. Just know that when you're with the right person, everything you do will be appreciated and reciprocated. From this past experience though, it looks like you've learned not to throw your pearls in front of swine. If she's not the right person, move on, rather than martyring yourself. For now though, enjoy your freedom, and have some fun just dating and seeing what's out there!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

Ever gotten into trouble or hot water with your spouses family. Posted: 10/11/2009 9:00:10 PM
Well, I had a great relationship with my in-laws. It was sometimes awkward even, because they would always take my side over their son's. Poor guy- if your parents won't back you, who will? Unfortunately, he didn't have the same relationship with my parents. I don't really know what the problem was, but they just didn't like him. He did have a pretty abrasive personality, which he really tried to tone down for them, but it wasn't enough. there was probably also the issue that I was the oldest, and a girl, and the first to get into a serious relationship. It was awful. Get-togethers were always tense, and I had several falling-outs with my parents that I really didn't want, but I felt the need to defend him. I believe very much in keeping your relationship issues between yourselves and not sharing them with the parents, as much as possible, but those of us who are close to our families, would like for things to be harmonious, and sometimes personalities just don't fit.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 52 (view)

NICE does not = WIMP Posted: 10/11/2009 8:46:49 PM
tags said: There is one disturbing issue in this discussion that ide like to bring to light and one simple fact . 1) Why the hell should a decent man even be involved with some one who needs to " stand up to " his partner or maneuver himself to not let her " walk over " him . Its a relationship . Not a covert op to overtake wild vipers in fajulah ( sp?) Realtionships to grown adults is about wanting to be with some one , encouraging them , edifying them , and above all intimacy ( emotional , mental , spiritual , and sexual. ) Not testing them ,using them to fullfill and justify a distorted reality, and controlling them and then ultimately emasculating them. Bingo! Much truth has been spoken in this thread, but this really resonates with me. I always wonder why so many bother going into relationships as if they were some kind of a competition. I'm naturally a competitive person, but in a relationship, I want to be supported and built up, and do the same for my partner. It's like we're a haven in life's storm for each other. Leave the competition and one-ups-man-ship for the other struggles of life. (although I have to confess to being a tiny bit miffed at the way he's outperforming me on EVERY facebook game we play together! ) And LOL at Rickeyes. You are ON tonight, man!

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Fishing for you to call him- looking for honest opinions Posted: 10/10/2009 10:07:28 AM
If he was a guy I was interested in meeting, I'd call him to set up the date. I always interpreted it as him hitting the ball back into my court so I could proceed at a pace that was comfortable for me. The ones who were all about phone sex wanted me to give them my number so they could call me RIGHT AWAY!! As to the IM, I'd say about 90 percent were after cyber-sex. HOWEVER, when I first contacted my current bf, he asked if we could take it to IM right away, and I almost said no, based on my past experiences. As it turned out, we had a really great conversation that led to bigger and better things. I think it's always best to give the benefit of the doubt. If a conversation goes in an inappropriate direction, you can always hang up or block.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Goal-Oriented, Is it that Important to you? Posted: 10/10/2009 8:28:11 AM
I'm with those who wonder why it can't be both. The quote seems to assume that all goals are materialistically oriented, and while that assumption might not be far off in our society, goals can really pertain to any number of things. My goals have changed quite a bit in the past 20 years, but that doesn't make them any less important. At 18, I planned on becoming Secretary of State (um excuse me Hillary, could I please have my job? ), and while I have to admit that I think I could have been really good at that line of work, life has taught me that success can be measured in many different ways. One thing I've learned is that I do not want to be married to my work, no matter how rewarding it is. So, while I still have goals, they are considerably less career and money-oriented than they used to be. These days, I'm a lot more interested in cultivating and reinvigorating relationships and building a life that is enjoyable, rather than burn out in the rat race. I'm sure some people would consider me an underachieving slacker, but one of the great things about getting older is that I couldn't care less about those who want to judge me based on their own goals. So, to answer the original post, yes, I do look for a goal-oriented partner, but I want him to at least roughly, value the same things I do. Ambition and motivation are important, but he doesn't need to rule the world, or accumulate a vast fortune. There's nothing nicer than working toward the same thing with your partner.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 80 (view)

The soft blow off, how do you handle it? Posted: 10/9/2009 9:33:04 AM
I guess this is why dating is so hard- all of this overthinking and second-guessing. I'm with the minority here in thinking the OP blew it. At this stage in the game, you know so little about what her life is really like, that you're making most of your decisions based on speculation, seasoned with a healthy dose of cynicism. I'm one of those people who tends to overcommit, thinking I can juggle work, family, hobbies and volunteer activities. I'd throw dating into the mix, thinking it would be a pleasant diversion, when often it just created more stress, especially if the guy was just as busy. I just don't think it's unreasonable for her to put off any further activities until she has more time. That being said, who knows what she was thinking, and it doesn't really matter. In the end, actions speak louder than words. I would have put the ball back in her court, continued dating others and might have been pleasantly surprised when she called in November. I'm not a mind-reader, so I (naively, apparently) tend to take things at face value. If she never called in November, THEN you're quite justified in thinking she's a flaky biatch.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Single... does it equal weird? Posted: 10/9/2009 8:47:28 AM
Not necessarily weird, but I've definitely noticed my single friends becoming pretty set in their ways. The introverts seem more likely to cultivate eccentricities, out of sheer boredom, I think. The extroverts rarely spend time alone, and seem to have a full calendar of activities and people to do them with, so they seem pretty normal to me.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Mixed signals !! Posted: 10/9/2009 8:43:00 AM
Holy cow! This woman is in her fifties? At first I thought you were talking about a very young person. The least she can do is communicate like an adult with you. Just ask her straight up what she's after, and if she keeps jerking you around, move on. Who needs that kind of drama?

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 55 (view)

Would you date a cheater Posted: 10/9/2009 8:39:40 AM
It depends. If the person was a habitual cheater, or seemed to have no remorse for past misdeeds, hell no. If it was a one-off due to circumstances, or a distant moment of immaturity, I might give it a pass. It would have to be in the pretty distant past, though. I always think of a friend of mine who's been married for over 30 years now. He's a brilliant man, but not much to look at. Some years ago, he had 15 minutes of fame during the dotcom boom, and suddenly found attractive women throwing themselves at him. He was not at all used to that kind of attention, and was so thrilled and flattered by it, that he briefly went off the deep end. It only took one episode for him to realize what a bad thing he was doing, so he broke things off with the new girl and came clean to his wife. She didn't dump him, and even more importantly, she didn't keep throwing it back in his face. I'm sure she was hurt, but I think she also realized that this was pretty out of character for him, and it never happened again. What I don't understand are the people who have affairs with someone who is married or in a serious relationship, manage to break it up, and then find themselves being cheated on. What makes you think you're so special that he/she will treat you completely differently from their ex? I'm sure it happens, but it doesn't really make sense to trust someone who has already proven his/her unreliability.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 268 (view)

POLYGAMY? Posted: 10/9/2009 7:59:17 AM
People! The OP confessed to this thread being bogus over three years ago. Or at least that's what I was able to glean from the following: Well In my original crativity my "guy' was a muslum and can only have 4 wives. Thank you all that are open minded to the fact that not every life iss for everyone. I never ment to have people get so worked up all I wanted was their opinions of yes or no. I respect everyones views as their own and look forward to the day that we can all think out side the "BOX" that marriage is mainly a pice of paper controling you to the government not your SO and their ways and ideals of how we all should behave, or eles there would be no such thing as divorce. There are good and bad marriages all over this world it all depends on whom your with and how much respect you can have for each other. As in alot of arranged marriages they tend to usualy grow to love each other.

Joined: 8/28/2008

Msg: 59 (view)

would you date someone who suffers from depression? Posted: 10/8/2009 7:23:21 PM
I wouldn't. I was married to someone severely bi-polar for twelve years, and it just about killed me. It was a nightmarish roller-coaster and he didn't respond well to medication. I think I'm just not made of the right stuff to deal with something like that. Even plain old depression would be too much for me to handle. I'm really glad there are people who are better built for dealing with this sort of thing, and I hope you find one of them. Overall, you seem very self-aware and proactive in dealing wit it, so that should make it even easier. Best of luck to you!

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