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phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Whats the difference? Posted: 11/17/2009 7:01:47 PM
I put LTR because that ias what I would like to end up in. I also stated I wanted to take my time getting to know the right person. When I see friends it makes me want to pass on by - because I have friends, what I want is a partner. If someone contacts me that seems interesting and they have something other than long term, and nothing stated in their profile to elaborate I usually just ask - and state my intentions. Makes it alot easier if you address it directly with the person you are in contact with. That being said since everyone interprets things differently I guess you just need to decide what works best for you! No matter what you put not everyone will see it the same.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

independent women fall the hardest Posted: 11/12/2009 7:56:11 PM
Ok, I guess everyone has their own definition of independent. Some obviously see it as a negative. My opinion when you break it down to simple terms is that it means you are they type of person who handles their own business, has the initiative to actively influence their own life and handle issues as they arise. Some are naturally this way and some are molded that way by life and experiences. As a young independent girl (16-25 lets say) I certainly felt bulletproof to some degree like we all do when we are young. I was naiive and like most youngsters felt there would never be a problem I couldn't overcome. Looking back it was the optimism of youth - experience has taught me better. I worked full time since age 15 though and had care of my disabled mother from age 19, so it shaped my outlook: Nothing was going to stump me because I was handling so much already. (little did I know) As an older and wiser "independant" woman I can still handle my own stuff, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love to find a partner who can share my life and we could help each other. Having read some posts on this I can agree to one point )although not for the reason of hubris the OP suggests) I think because of the way I am when I do find someone I believe can be "the one" and embrace that relationship I am investing alot of myself so I do fall harder for that person. On second thought - is that really because of my independent nature or just because I have learned how precious life is, and how richer it can be with the right person?? Something to ponder...

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 53 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/12/2009 7:33:21 PM
bucsgirl - that thought crossed my mind as well. I wondered if it was a symptom of the "man must do something to earn the woman" mentality. I hate to say it but I know MANY women who use men for what they can get from them. So I can understand where it may be reflexive for some guys. I think it's sad...

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/12/2009 5:06:51 AM
and why set someone up by creating expectations which didn't previously exist to only drop the ball? >> Exactly my point. This is damaging to both a developing relationship & an involved one. It's like - Hey, no one asked you for it but now that you've promised it 20 times wtf? Now you have stress where there never would have been!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/12/2009 5:03:06 AM
Date me. I promise not to insult you by buying you anything. >> LOL

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 466 (view)

Sarcasm red flag or not? Posted: 11/11/2009 5:55:18 AM
Sarcasm is a sign of intelligence. Most dumb people can't use or understand sarcasm> I love this! According to my Brittish mother I inheirited my sarcatic wit from her. She always said it was a gift of her heritage to be able to insult someone without them even realizing it... It is a power which can be used for good or evil I enjoy bantering with people I know but I am aware some can't take it and do try to be considerate. Sarcasm is not always appropriate but I have friends who are always saying they wish they had my way with words in tough situations because I am not afraid to speak my mind!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Online Dating v Traditional Methods of Dating Posted: 11/11/2009 5:43:44 AM
I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way but the opportunities have been few, so here I am. Internet dating is far from perfect, but the one thing it does is allow you to contact a wider range of people who you might not get the chance to meet. (perhaps like me they are more isolated by profession) So I have learned to like it, although it is more comfortable to me to meet someone through friends or social situations. I have met some unique and very good people this way.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/10/2009 4:42:32 PM
Beershark, Please don't apply your example to me - I did not expect any man I only went on a few dates with to take me on a cruise or fix my barn. I did not give these guys the brush off either. I simply told them I felt like there wasn't any long term possibility there or no real chemistry and I do not date people just for the hell of it because I am bored - I am looking for a partner so If I know it is not there I am honest. (Isn't that what most people would want? I thought of it as the right thing to do) Now I could have kept dating a guy to see what I would get from him, or for free meals, but that is not me, and is very crappy! I do not accept large favors from men I just met. I felt I was clear on that with my post but I guess everyone reads what they will into things..... So again, I was not complaining about not "getting" things from those "few date" men, I was asking if others had men make similar offers as it came off as a ploy or a lure coming so quickly when we just met. I didn't want the guy OR the gifts, which is why I didn't keep dating. The point is not that I wanted things, it's that I find it odd these men would offer things that were so obviously over the top to a virtual stranger. I am not so stuck on myself that I think I am some goddess deserving tribute! It would be more appropriate and acceptable if someone I was with for 6 months came over to help me fix fencing or treated me to a weekend away - and I would be happy to reciprocate for my significant other!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Mixed Signals? Posted: 11/10/2009 5:08:29 AM
If that was the first time you saw this behavior it very well could be he was out of sorts becuse of the kids being there and you should probably talk to him about it - that's no excuse for being rude, but his response to you bringing it up would be key - his reply to such a conversation would give you the answers you need. Sometimes people don't recognize bad behavior until you point it out. If he was just nervous he would be apologetic! (But if he still refers to himself as single after 3 months that is not a good sign)

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 33 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/10/2009 5:01:23 AM
doing what you intend... builds moments and relationships between a couple. Not doing it... tears it down... and even puts a stop to a beginning> THAT is what I was trying to say, perhaps poorly - Thank you! It's not that one needs or expects someone to go out of their way, but part of integrity & honesty should be doing what you say & saying what you mean! At the start of a new relationship especially as it sets the tone for the future. Now, saying "I love to travel & I am hoping to connect with someone so I can go places with them" is fine - talking about where you'd each like to go doesn't mean someone is promising to take you there! I think most of us understand the difference! I had a relationship (6+ months) and the guy was always saying "I'm going to take you shopping for some sexy lingerie" He said it multiple times and it was like Ok dude, go for it - take me shopping (or shut up about it) I wasn't asking for it but geez, after the 4th or 5th time saying it I am tired of hearing it. You know it's bad when you are assuming when someone speaks they don't mean what they say!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 45 (view)

Does reading the forums make you more or less cynical about dating? Posted: 11/9/2009 7:29:24 PM
I started checking out the forums when I starting dating again after divorce. I found it nice to see issues being discussed I could relate to - having been out of the scene for a while. It's good to knwo you are not "alone" with your experiences and definitely has its entertainment value

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 29 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/9/2009 7:25:10 PM
You sound like a stand up guy - I would not be so jaded as to write off all men for the experiences with a few! I actually like men Just curious about this behavior. And several friends noticing the same thing. Like another poster said it is probably just coincedence. I appreciate all the thoughts & responses!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/9/2009 5:29:34 PM
Davidpiano & landra you both say it straight - actions do speak louder than words. Give me a quiet guy who simply does over an attention seeking man trying to look good any day. And that is exactly how I handle myself as far as if it looks like someone will not follow through -I take care of it myself! So maybe I can help the next guy I date re plaster his walls or sew new curtains lol...

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/9/2009 4:24:47 PM
Maybe, due to your independent nature, you are being overly suspicious about men that offer to do things for you.> Ok beershark - I will give you that one as a possibility (this is why I like the forums - makes me think) I am unaccustomed to being showered with gifts & favors so I admit I am not always sure how to handle them, other than being appreciative and saying thank you! I am also very generous with friends and family & am always there for them so I do have an expectation that others will be like me and mean it when they offer help - and actually do it! I am a care-taker in personality and so that makes me take it seriously I guess! When it is a first date and I hear this stuff from men I DO take it as a come on line - I don't take it seriously, I just don't see the point in the words even being said! I am not really overly dismayed here just confused as to motive. I would love for people to just be sincere, relax, be themselves - if you want to help someone do it because you want to, don't make a production out of it - just do it! My friend came down with mono and I cleaned her stalls for her without being asked - if it's right & you care about someone just do it! Lets people know you are important to them...

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/9/2009 11:40:36 AM
Well beershark, you couldn't be more wrong. I am not playing the helpless female and I can't understand how you would infer that. I was simply stating an observation and wondering if others had experienced something similar. In no way would I expect a man I dated 2-3 times to honor a statement made about taking a trip or vacation. That was merely an example. I don't EXPECT a man to do anything for me. The point is not that I am somehow "hurt" or expectant, it is this: Why say it if you don't mean it? It is a new trend I am seeing personally. I was married for many years and so dating is newer to me for the last 3 -4 years. Was wondering if things have changed or if it's just I am older and this is what people dating over 35 are like. I never experienced this before. I am not looking for sympathy for god sake! Was just curious. I am totally fine with where I am and who I am!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/9/2009 6:11:48 AM
[My last long term GF bought a house and I offered to do most of the work. Plumbing, electrical, hook up washer and dryer, etc. When I got the work done, she broke up with me. I didn't do it to get in her pants. I was already in her pants. I did it because I was a "nice guy" (read sucker). Not any more. ] That sucks - it is a story I have heard from more than one guy. Nice guys are NOT suckers - being yourself is the only way to be, I guess it's just about separating the wheat from the chaff... For the record, the casual experiences I had on a few dates where men inferred future shopping or vacation expeditions - I never took them seriously. Anyone who lavishes statements like that on a woman they just met is casting a cheesy line. It is a factor in why things never progressed. It's the ones who you date for 6+ months, the relationship is fully physical so there's no need for "lures" - it's just silly.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 92 (view)

What someone does that really turns you on? Posted: 11/8/2009 9:40:14 PM
Ok, I have spent many years on a farm so a guy on a tractor - yes Kenney Chesney, she thinks your tractor's sexy! Bonus points also for shirtless sweaty men digging postholes for my horse paddock

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/8/2009 9:06:20 PM
Perhaps that's it onlythis - for some guys :o) I know women who date depending on what needs fixing in their house - perhaps that is what makes me so determined not to take advantage. I never want someone to think all I am looking for is a plumber/carpenter/etc. I admit I am not used to having help (and I used to have a farm & did it all myself) So when someone offered to help with a task I was most appreciative - but bummer when they don't come through! I don't mind doing for myself - I am used to it & plan accordingly. I just hope men don't think that is the way to get in the door. I hate to think someone believes they must offer things to get an "in" - I prefer a genuine guy!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/8/2009 8:24:02 PM
Ok, just to clarify for the person who voted to delete for "troll post-pity" this is NOT a personal pity party. I am not looking for sympathy, I am just fine thank you. I am actually just interested in finding if someone else has had similar experiences. Geez! This is my first post after reading forums for a while now - and I posted it because I had not seen a similar subject! I was wondering if it is commonplace or just pure chance.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Empty promises Posted: 11/8/2009 8:01:26 PM
I wasn't sure what to put for a subject, but wanted to pose a question & see if I am the only one who has had this particular experience. I have dated a few decent men in the past 3 years, had a few 1st or 2nd dates with others, and I have noticed something that they all had in common. Although I am not the type to ask people to do things for me I have had men who offer to buy me things, fix things, help with things etc. and they typically don't follow through. Let me clarify by saying I am not used to men buying me things so I do not solicit this, and I am also quite used to being my own handyman so I don't go around playing the helpless female role or dating a mechanic so I can get my car tuned up. I have no respect for women who do that. For the men I talked to & just went on a few dates with before I realized it wasn't a match, It seemed to me like they were trying to reel me in with promises of shopping trips or vacations (which is insulting, if I don't like you for YOU why would I date you so I could get a free cruise?) Most of these men were 40+ in age, as I don't tend to date younger guys. Not sure if that makes a difference. For the few I dated for a regular time period it seemed like "wow, how nice he would offer to help me fix that!" Or when they would mention wanting to get me something as a housewarming present (or what have you) I would feel flattered and appreciative, but things never actually WERE done. And since I didn't ask for something I didn't feel comfortable saying "hey, whatever happened to your offer" without feeling llike a jerk. I can't recall ever having met a man prior to the last few years who had a habit of making empty promises. I am wondering if it is a symptom of age, or like some people post here that men think they need to lure women with promises of gifts. I tend to be straight forward - so I don't relate to this behavior. If I offer my help it is sincere and always provided, and I think it is hurtful and insincere to say something you don't mean. This could apply to both sexes I suppose, but since I am a woman I guess I am wondering if other women dating men 40+ have had experiences with men who have behaved like this?

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

The selling of one's self Posted: 9/28/2009 8:19:43 PM
Well, aren't we all trying to "sell ourselves" in some way here? Not literally of course, but I thought the idea was to get someone's attention! "Pick me! Pick me!" So you look at yourself, and naturally you think of what qualities you feel make you a good mate and try to expound on them, right? So if someone is independant & creative they may say so because to them it is important that a prospective date enjoy those traits. Is that really so wrong? (and nobody wants drama do they? I have yet to meet anyone who was 100% free of baggage...) If there's a better way to find a potential match on here I am all ears!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 79 (view)

Best and worse pick up lines... Posted: 9/20/2009 8:31:50 PM
Worst (and funniest) it was 90+ degrees, just left the barn wearing riding breeches & knee high muck boots & a tank top - filthy, sweaty, with maure & mud smeared on my boots & covered in horse hair. I made the mistake of stopping for gas & a soda. Guy comes up to me at the gas pump - 6' 4", Shirt just a tad too small to cover the last 6 inches of his beer belly, unwashed hair, fly down, and says: "You gotta give me your phone number - the minute I saw you with those muck boots on I got wood" I was so shocked I politely said I was very sorry I wouldn't be able to help him with that... He persisted for a few minutes but none of his follow-ups compared!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 113 (view)

Do Big Trucks turn on the Ladies??? Posted: 9/20/2009 8:16:28 PM
Forget the lift - how big is the bed? If you can fit more bales of hay in yours than I can in mine I would be impressed.....

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 579 (view)

Very long hair on a woman is very femine and sexy, but few women have long hair Posted: 9/19/2009 7:59:53 PM
My hair is down to my butt and I spend zero time on it beyond 2 minutes washing it. shorter haircuts and "styled" cuts take alot more time! Because it's curly the only thing I ever do is on humid days I put a straightener in it to keep away the frizzies! I get a haircut maybe once a year if that - so I don't understand people saying it's so hard to take care of! Of course when I was younger I hated it and spent years cutting it & fighting the curls! I keep it long because it's simple, and I don't like being tied to a haircut schedule - but I consider it a side benefit that guys find it sexy!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

Oh God what have I done? Posted: 9/19/2009 7:03:23 PM
OP - you did nothing wrong - I feel much the same way, and we have to be true to ourselves right? I personally feel like I don't want to be calling or meeting more than one man at a time - I am not good at juggling! How can you give someone a fair shot if you are getting to know several people at once? I actually dated a man for 6 months who initially emailed me when I was dating a guy - I had been out with him twice and told the guy I eventually dated later I felt like I should hold off until I knew whether it was going somewhere. He appreciated my honesty and we did eventually get together (though it didn't last) So I think it is a responsible attitude to have. I wouldn't want to hurt (or be hurt) by someone who is spreading themselves too thin.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 154 (view)

The problem with Sagittarian men Posted: 9/19/2009 6:44:19 PM
I kow lots of Sag men AND women and I have no experience with them being chronically unfaithful. Being one myself I can say as a Sag woman fidelity in a relationship has never been an issue. We are as a rule, artistic & tempremetal at times but we carry a fire for life and a drive to accomplish much (coupled with far too many outlets for that energy) I think it makes it hard to complete anything when you have an interest in EVERYTHING! Something I am working on... I would love to meet a fellow Saggitarian but alas... none so far.... Now ask me if I'd date another LEO....

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 107 (view)

How would you define Posted: 9/19/2009 6:23:56 PM
I used to think high maintenance referred only to women who had to be pampered and treated to expensive lavish lifestyles - hair, makeup, clothes, etc. Then I married a high maintenance man (very rugged, hunted, fished, etc) He got so offended when I told him he was hhigh maintenance - he was like a little kid - very demanding of attention. I couldn't be on the phone for 5 minutes - if I wasn't paying attention to him he would get obnoxious! I will admit I am a nurturer, so I enjoyed pampering him, but oh boy was he high maintenance! I would't have minded so much if he gave even 50% of what he took during our marriage.....

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Last minute date requests Posted: 9/19/2009 5:36:57 PM
I don't know if this counts but I had a guy email me that his 50th birthday was coming up and he was looking for someone to take him over their knee and give him a good solid spanking.... I had a laugh over it til I started wondering: what in my profile says "dominatrix"??? But seriously, the point IS to meet, so it's not the speed of the request but more like how it is made and whether the content of that initial contact inspires you to meet someone (not just because you are lonely and the 1st person who says yes will do...)

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Why is our ability to cook/clean so importanu t to men? Posted: 6/27/2009 7:27:37 PM
We all like to eat, don't we? I am a great cook - I enjoy feeding friends & significnt others. Cleaning is just a necessary part of life - unless you want to live like a slob... Personally I think ability to cook in a partner of EITHER sex would be important to someone who CAN'T cook - not a deal breaker I would hope but it certainly is a plus when a prospective partner has a skill you lack that is so important to every day living! My ex-husband would clean anything to leave me more time to cook wonderful meals from scratch - and he also learned to cook a few simple meals from me quite well. If a guy acts like he takes it for granted - like you're obligated to do it that can be aggravating though.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 43 (view)

SHOULD I FEEL BAD? Posted: 6/22/2009 5:22:13 PM
Giving her some notice would be human of you - but I have a feeling it would be easier if YOU moved lol.... Any chance you can get out of your lease??

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 186 (view)

How do you make yourself be attracted to the unattractive? Posted: 6/17/2009 7:03:57 PM
Wow, this is a loaded post - the obvious answer is you can't "make" yourself feel attraction where there is none! For me, I don't go on superficial looks per se - a pleasant smile, a well groomed and reasonably fit person who has a good profile that shows something on it I can connect with gets my attention. From there it is all about good conversation and connecting on a level that differs for everyone. If all you're doinng is looking at pics and ages you're not looking for anything that is going to make a deeper impression. I have dated men who are not "traditionally" what most women would see as hot, but knowing them made that person very attractive to me. I have also been with guys who were "Brad Pitt hot" (said by my friends) and that had nothing to do with my attraction - and since I am currently single obviously was not enough to keep my interest in the long run. It takes more than looks! We all get older & no one looks that good forever!!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 37 (view)

How badly do you want to be in love? Posted: 6/16/2009 5:19:14 PM
You can't force love - people are here for different reasons, but for me I feel like you have to know who you are and be happy with yourself first. Then you will be open to accepting what someone has to offer when you find a connection. No over-inflated expectations, just being able to be a positive person and you will naturally draw the right kind of partner (hopefully.) Wanting something "badly" doesn't guarantee you will get it - wanting something TOO badly almost guarantees your judgment will be too clouded to find it! JMO.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice in Dating scary music swells Posted: 6/15/2009 7:35:34 PM
Well I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone feels they have the right to dictate to anyone what they should do with their body. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who was so militant that they can't accept people have a right to believe in different things. As for worrying about what your partner would do if they conceived by accident - there is a surefire way to prevent pregnancy - if more people were responsible with contraception, abortion would be a non-issue since all pregnancies would be planned. Tolerance of different beliefs is definitely a positive thing, and makes it easier for you to talk to people and perhaps influence them positively. In the case of rape - and no matter HOW you feel about abortion, I can say tthat is one situation where I could have all my sympathy for the woman raped. That doesn't mean it should be used as a form of birth control, but some compassion should be spared for different situations. Babies are precious, and there are so many births that end in tragedy. I'd rather see abortion stay legal than see more news stories about dead babies in dumpsters or worse.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 45 (view)

I miss having sex Posted: 6/14/2009 7:30:28 PM
Wow - I can totally relate. I miss that part of being married so much! I have no interest in casual sex but the amount of women I know who cat around like they are in heat amazes me. Why is it so difficult to find someone! This is surprizingly one complaint I hear from men lately -about women who are only after sex! And it is difficult for me to express the physical aspects I want in a relationship on a dating site - I am always afraid a guy will take it the wrong way. Nothing turns me off faster than a stranger online making sexual overtures!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

People who intentionally sabotage relationships Posted: 6/14/2009 6:34:24 PM
This is interesting to me because I just ended relationship and it feels like he did just that. Out of the blue he started questioning everything I was doing. Everything became suspicious - if I worked late and therefore called later than normal, was I really working late? If I went to a movie with a girlfriend was it really with "her" or some unknown "him?" I was very hurt by the constant questioning of my integrity, which I take very seriously. So here you have me, who HAS been cheated on and for me it reinforces the fact that I would never put someone though that pain, vs HIM who takes that past experience and uses it to justify unfounded accusations. I was very clear about what it was doing to me, and how he was pushing me away, yet he continued to do so. But people who do this either do not, or can not see that it is not about the other person. I finally had to say "enough" and realize not only that there was no way to combat this behavior or prove myself, but that I shouldn't HAVE to. It was about him and his insecurities and had nothing to do with me. I think sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to work things out it is hard to realize right away that you are beating the proverbial dead horse. Someone behaving like this will likely not recognize it and life is to short to waste on npeople who don't believe in you!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 75 (view)

Hug or a Hand Shake? Posted: 11/8/2008 8:26:43 PM
I have spent so many years in business it is second nature to offer a good strong handshake - I do it without thinking! Dating wise I am definitely a physical person. I am totally a hugger / cuddler with a man if I am comfortable with him! Sitting here and thinking about it I guess I have done both - probably hugged where I had spent more time getting to know the guy before meeting and felt very comfortable & happy to be there! It is one thing I totally miss about being single - gotta love a hug from a big strong guy who smells good! Few things are better than a good cuddle with the right person!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

When do you trust your instincts in a new situation, after bad past experiences lead you to distrust Posted: 11/8/2008 8:07:24 PM
"Thanks and I'll let you know if I do meet the wife. That truly would be interesting to propose. Might have to try it. " You are very welcome - I wish you the best - please do let us know how it turns out for you. I know what it is like to love and be loved - it is am amazing feeling! That is why we keep coming back for more, no?

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

long distance and one sided... Posted: 11/5/2008 6:28:21 PM
I can't believe the number of people who think 3 hours is no big deal to drive for a date! I know gas prices are dropping but it's still expensive! And of course, when you are in love with the right person you should move heaven & earth to be with them but that doesn't mean you go looking for it! Would you plan to drive 3 hours to shop? No - you go to a local store! (probably not the best comparison) Anyway, I have a farm, and animals to feed. If I were to try and date someone that far away I would pretty much only be able to see them one day a week - more ONLY if I could impose on someone else to care for my animals. What about spur of the moment visits? Surprise special dinners? And if anything happened (and trust me, when you have horses something is always breaking or needing tending) I would be constantly battling time. If my horses got out for instance I would be hours away. I am open minded and would like to think for the right person I would do anything, but I do not blame this girl for not wanting to commit her heart to someone who can't be accessible. Long distance relationships are not always good OR easy. Flip side is when people are so far away they could be married or cheating and have a whole different life and you'd never know because you are not from there. So it's not as simple as some people are trying to say!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Language barriers, new to the country & love Posted: 11/4/2008 7:29:53 PM
Don't forget - it's not just the words it's the meanings & interpretaions. It is just as important you learn about the region he is from! What type of person we are, our beliefs, etc. - there are ALOT of American concepts which do not exist in other countries. So if you are trying to ask him something and it is a concept that is completely "foreign" to him (for lack of a better term) you're beating your head against a wall! I would make sure the main things which are important to you - fundamentals, morals, values, etc. you have common ground on. Explore each others culture and discover together! Sounds like it could be alot of fun! Good luck!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

When do you trust your instincts in a new situation, after bad past experiences lead you to distrust Posted: 11/4/2008 7:17:28 PM
Just an add-on, with the economy the way it is and the house being our biggest investment financially would ANYONE be dumb enough to force a sale at a loss of potential 20k to 100k+ in many situations? Would YOU chance holding off for a market swing? Five years it admitedly long time, but it is not so hard to believe. I personally think I would have kept it in the friend zone myself til he was done with the situation but since you didn't my only advice would be to meet the wife. As others stated, if it really IS a situation only marriage and they are friendly enough to live together that shouldn't be an issue. I didn't see any comment from you as to whether this had happened. I would want to definitely meet and discuss the situation with her because no woman is going to lie to you so her husband can get laid on the side!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

I need some advice...on a sticky situation Posted: 10/17/2008 8:53:25 PM
You've just started talking to him? So not really involved yet? 21 is awfully young to suddenly be a single dad. You would know better than anyone if he is mature enough. Given that you don't want kids the logical thing would be to keep him as a friend only and not complicate things. He is going to have his hands full with this baby ! Another thing to think about (having been there myself) I married a man with 2 kids in diapers and he had full custody. I became "mom" - regardless of what people say if you live with him that WILL happen - unless you are some kind of unfeeling monster you WILL love this child. Because "my" girls had a living birth-mother I was unable to adopt them formally. When the marriage dissolved I discovered I had NO rights. None. So keep that in mind. You will get over the man but if you fall in love with his child he or she will be in your heart forever. After 4 years of being a mom they were ripped away - 3 years later I still feel like a mom who's kids have been kidnapped. I have of course learned to deal with it. I wouldn't trade my anguish for a single memory of my motherhood though. Take this decision VERY seriously. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems! Babies require constant care. The baby will be his #1 priorty. It is NOT selfish at 21 to decide that you do not want to have to handle this right now. The reality is if it is meant to be waiting will not harm the potential for this relationship.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

Dating outside your normal zone . Posted: 10/17/2008 8:37:20 PM
Personally, I think anytime you are actively looking to date (like on this website) you are more likely to be successful if you are open to meeting a wide range of people. If I meet someone who is well groomed and pleasant and we can carry on an enjoyable conversation I will go out on a date and give that person a chance to make an impression on me. Because of this I have met some exceptional people who I would not have known had I been "cut & dry" about dating. Give it a try - you have nothing to lose!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 53 (view)

Is this something that should be bothering me this much? Posted: 10/17/2008 8:01:05 PM
3 year relationship - he has been doing this monthly, and you moved in with him? This is something only a girl your age would do... Obviously you are not a priority to him. Please don't waste any more of your time playing games and doing it to him to get back, etc. You are very young - take advice from the "older" people on the site - time is PRECIOUS and every day you waste on a man you place first in your heart who places you last in his you will never get back. Have standards & value yourself enough to not allow a man to cross certain lines. In a way you made this monster because you let him get away with it. There is nothing wrong with saying "No, it is NOT ok for you to break our plans to go fishing. If you value me you will keep your word." Or quite frankly - go fishing once in awhile - nothing wrong with that either. At any rate he sounds like a complete tool. Good luck!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 87 (view)

A man who communicates his feelings... Posted: 10/17/2008 7:36:02 PM
"it may be that I give out too much information but I am a studious man, and I have learned it is better to give out too much information than not enough...if someone asks how I feel about it, Im going to tell them" Just taking a guess here - if you are talking more about conversational skills perhaps what is happening is you are going on & on and might be in come cases boring your date, or if it is a controversial subject throwing them off balance, freaking them out - etc. Sometimes less is more - especially when you first meet someone. Doesn't mean you can't express yourself but maybe you need to be more concise and simplify until your date gets to know your character more? I know if it is a subject I am very passionate about or have other strong feelings about I can come off very strong, if you understand what I mean. As for communicating personal feelings for your date - my friend recently went out with a guy who went on & on about how she was going to "break his heart" and how she was the one for him it made her totally uncomfortable - they had just met! He came off totally creepy (one extreme) You can tell a woman in little ways that you like her or appreciate certain qualities about her without overwhelming her when you first meet. I am a woman who loves a good communicator - maybe you just need to work on your skills, or perhaps it is the women just plain not being for you - don't get discouraged!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 23 (view)

How much of the breakup was your fault? Posted: 10/17/2008 7:25:43 PM
I think that one of the most unproductive and problematic things in this day & age is the habit people have of focusing on fault and blame every time something goes wrong. Everyone wants it to be someone else's "fault" - the fact is it takes two people to make or break a relationship. Sometimes, for whatever reason two people do not go the distance together. For many reasons. Like some posters already remarked, a long as you can recognize your own shortcomings and learn from prior relationships that is all that matters. Just because someone was not right for you doesn't make them the devil I believe that different people bring out different things in eachother - someone who sucked for you as a partner with the right person could be a gem - you are better off focusing on being the best person you can be and finding a healthy relationship with someone who complements you.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

Telling off your ex! Posted: 10/14/2008 9:02:23 PM
I have to say that generally speaking I tend to say what needs to be said face to face. Not necessarily in a nasty way either. There are ways to tell someone that their actions or words have hurt you without being nasty about it. I also have during really difficult times especially kept a personal journal where I have written out my feelings just to get rid of them and had that work quite well. If you are already broken up there is probably not much point in rehashing things. If you are still communicating sometimes writing things down can help - I do remember having written a letter to my then husband about his alcoholism - I would get so upset I had a hard time focusing my thoughts. At the time I was not sure I would give it to him but after I did he kept it (I found out later) he would re-read it when he needed a reminder about how his drinking hurt his family. What you have to accept is that most people who treat you badly don't do so because they are sensitive to others - most jerks don't necessarily care they are being jerks. I would suggest letting him go, and in the future making a point to communicate clearly and calmly with your partner about things when they happen - ask direct questions about what he means when he does or says something that hurts you. Communication is key (before things end!)

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 57 (view)

A fascinating Concept that keeps me intrigued Posted: 10/14/2008 8:44:39 PM
I think everyone has their own interpretation and definitely some interesting viewpoints. In my case I have learned what I feel "truly loving" someone is - and it is NOT about me or my desires - loving someone in a healthy and honest way it IS all about them and not about you. It's about selflessness. That does not mean I do not love and respect MYSELF - I am not a doormat to be trod upon, but I can know I love another person for who they are, I can treat them with kindness and respect and shower them with goodness without losing myself to them. (friends and lovers alike) It is about accepting someone for who they are and valuing their individuality. I can love someone as a person and recognize they are not healthy for me to be in a physical/love relationship with. I can regret that with all my heart and feel love for that person and still have the grace to remove myself from that relationship. Who doesn't want to have the same love and affection returned in a relationship though? It's a beautiful thing when 2 people connect and can reciprocate love in whatever form it takes. I don't think that is expectation - I think it is what a real and balanced, healthy love between two people is supposed to be. If you don't have balance you can still feel love for someone but that doesn't mean you can stay with that person. Love is about letting go - you can't wrestle it down and make someone something that they are not! So for me it's all about the balance - love for yourself as well as the people in your life!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Why has he ignored me for showing my feelings? Posted: 10/14/2008 8:24:01 PM
Hmm.. Dating on & off for a year and he is still keeping you away from friends, family & his son? It is hard to give a 100% answer without knowing more. Is on & off very casual with no hint of exclusivity? Or was it more serious but just a bit of a struggle to juggle time together because of your schedules? I would think after a year if he is not sharing his friends & family with you he is either hiding something from you or from them. Sounds like he either has no emotional commitment and doesn't want people close to him to know about you, or that there is something about his life he needs to keep secret from you. Bottom line is he obviously is not feeling the same thing you are. The only way to really know is to communicate with him and find out where you stand. There is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, just be prepared for the results if he doesn't want what you do! Good luck!

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 88 (view)

Your longest break / being single Posted: 10/8/2008 8:55:13 PM
I have been single & celibate since my divorce 3 yrs ago. (By choice) I always take a break for reflection after a breakup. I have dated casually 2 guys who just weren't keepers, and been on a few single dates. Trying out this site is part of my decision to find someone special. I find it disturbing to read posts from people who found a new sex partner the day after a breakup/divorce - or even people who have never been single for any real period of time. In any LTR where you can lose yourself I truly believe some alone time is a good HEALTY thing! Time to rediscover yourself and sometimes to heal - after all if you are not able to be OK on your own how can you be OK in a relationship? It's never a bad idea to take some "me" time before moving on to another relationship.

phoenixxx2008

Joined: 9/7/2008

Msg: 89 (view)

Are They Serial Dating or Seeking a Long-Term Relationship? Posted: 10/8/2008 8:46:07 PM
I find this topic interesting being new to online dating. I am not the type to date more than 1 guy at a time. I don't know how you can give someone an honest shot at making an impression on you if you are seeing several men in the same week/2 weeks or what have you. At the same time there may be more than one man emailing me who is interested in getting to know me. I guess we all have to find a way to handle ourselves in a way we can respect. I personally feel like I don't want to phone or meet more than one person at a time. Emailing I am OK with - I have met someone in person recently who I want to give my attention to so I will see whether that progresses before I agree to meet with someone else. I have explained this to new gentlemen who are interested in progressing and some think that is great but others seem to be put off. Personally if I meet a man I like I would be very pleased to know if he also liked ME that he was willing to date a few times exclusively to see if we really hit it off. I don't EXPECT it as I have no right to make demands on someone I just met, but it would show a certain sincerity. I do NOT date just to meet people - I want to find a LTR that will endure - so if I meet someone and I don't see a future I would move on. That I do not consider serial dating but just part of the whole process.

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