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norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

Borderline Personality Disorder Posted: 11/8/2009 3:30:41 PM
I spent a few years on the message board of the website BPD.com. I was able to finally speak to others about there experiences with those with BPD. All in all, I have to agree with the post, in which the above poster said that they do change, they just get worse and worse! That was the case for me and my past marriage, She got worse as time passed. For me, now understanding this disorder, and how it works in the affected individual, And of how it affects a Non, well I am a Non, who thought that I was the crazy one a lot of the time. However with therapy, and removing myself from the BPD, I am now back and living in the land of Kansas, but I paid dearly to get out of the land of OZ. For me, it goes like this, when I met and married, I was lacking a real awareness of who I was getting married to, because she hid her mental illness so well. However the disorder did rear its ugly head, and by then, I was totally confused about how I felt and thought, I was caught up in her twisted reality, and stayed that way for close to 20 years of my life, until I could no longer live with the pain and confusion that comes with a relationship with a BPD. If they have no intention of helping themselves, then I have NO intention of putting up with Their Stuff. No reason for me to put myself through a meat grinder on a daily basis in the name of love, especially when a BPD lacks any real idea of what Love is. Its all about Them, and if you were to ask for something, they would emotionally beat you to a pulp for even thinking that you were deserving of the same Gesture that you give to others. End of Story for me, When I see signs of personality disorders, I RUN as FAST as I can to put distance between me and THEM.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Borderline Personality Disorder Posted: 11/3/2009 8:54:55 PM
From experience I speak, Being in a relationship with a BPD, and loving them, all the while hating yourself. That is really what its all about, otherwise, why would anyone desire to be with someone who constantly lies, manipulates, cheats, blows your hard earned money like it grows on trees, verbally abues you, plots against you, and has rages or outbursts over nothing. Leaves you holding the bag all the time. I was married to a BPD, I was never able to get her into a doctor, and have it comfirmed, but from the behaviors that she had, well what does a label mean, She Was and Is Sick! I got me and our children away from her, and put the pieces back together, and got some happiness back into my life. So the question is, do you enjoy having someone put an emotional gun to your head every day ? Do You like having to walk on egg shells, in order to avoid conflict, or blow ups ! Would you enjoy having your ability to feel positive emotions stripped from you ? The answer is quite clear, Walk away, and let the BPD deal with their own sickness, and you have to deal with you, and heal from the effects of what you are suffering.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 94 (view)

who recovers faster after a breakup men or women? Posted: 2/20/2009 7:34:13 PM
Yep, its the dumper who recovers sooner than the dumpee, because the dumper had already began to plan on a future life that does not include the dumpee. There is a great book, titled "Rebuilding after your relationship ends" The author is Dr, Bruce Fisher, ( now deceased ) After my own divorce, I attended a divorce seminar, twice a month for two years, as I dealt with the emotional baggage of the ending of my relationship. I learned much about myself, " emotionally" and was able to make many changes as I grew and became who I am today. The book that I mentioned, it is a overall case study, of thousands of relationship ending that the Doctor counseled, and documented the cause and effect of the break up on each person, He then divided the study into catogories, Building blocks that one must work thru, in order to become less needy, and more emotionally aware. I was a trained facillator and led a divorce group recovery seminar for about three years, so I can say with conviction, that while both parites go thru almost the same stages, feeling pain, anger, dispair and so forth, They in fact go through the very same stages, but at different intervals, with the dumper beginning the process, and the dumpee then beginning the process once he/she realizes that the relationship is in fact really over with. As for the people who keep coming back, well either they feel extreme guilt, or the new relationship did not work out, or the party is unable to completely let go due to their inability to work thru the process, and that is usually the dumper who has the tendency to attempt to come back, but usually the dumpee has dealth with the ending, and has moved on completely. So often, the dumpee gets the last laugh.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 90 (view)

Are pay dating sites worth it? Posted: 11/16/2008 7:09:35 PM
Paid dating sites are in my experience, and opinion, Not worth it. In the past, I had subscribed to e harmoney, match , yahoo personals, and american singles. my experinece was much the same as others who have posted here. Lots of bait and switch, and winks when my sub was close to ending. So here I am, and Yes I can say, I have met some good people on here, and yes I have went out on a few dates as well.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Confronting past Abusers Posted: 12/20/2007 5:54:35 PM
Yes, in a round about way, I confronted my Dad. He died when I was in the Army, and I did not come home to his funeral, I was only 22 at the time. Years later, I visited his grave site, at the national cemetary, on three different ocassions, during the summer months, I sat at his head stone, and let him have it! I cursed him, and for all the truama, and scars that he left me with. I cried for my loss, the innocent childhood, of happiness, and secure feelings. Now the neat part, on my third visit, I cried for the man who I loved so deeply, who was my everything, my hero, my guiding light, my one and only! Father. I forgave him for what he had done to me, and told him I still loved him, and I feel bad that someone, ( my grandmother) had done things to him, to make him who he was. I told him, that he had two very beautiful grandchildren, and that I promised that I would not be abusive to them, as he had been to me. I kept my promise to him and to myself. There are times, like the Holidays, when I think back to my childhood, and of the times when me and my siblings were tormented, and abused in ways a normal individual could not begin to imagine. Well, that is the past, and I don't live there anymore, because I got rid of my anger, and desire to love, and smile. So Yes, I did confront him, and thankfully, it was a great leap for me, to confront the memories, and find forgivenss in my heart. I am at peace now, and secure in who I am, A good man, with some flaws, but more a good man, and less a bad man. LOL Thanks for allowing me to share my story. Merry Christmas to everyone! :)

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 260 (view)

Abused Men Posted: 12/15/2007 5:50:29 PM
I have to weigh in here, and say, that although the subject of the thread is abused men, I have to say, that abuse is universal, in that both genders are capable of abuse. While I was abused as a child, by both of my parents, In my marriage, I was abused, and yes guilty of abuse as well, in that I felt trapped or cornered, so I fought back using the same methods of abuse, that was being used on me. I am the one, who after 19 years of marriage, made the choice to leave the marriage, I was all to often, the victim of the prevailing attitudes, in that the laws favored my wife, who was doing emotional and mental stuff to me. I, having been through domestic abuse programs, had quit reacting to the abuse visited upon me, and instead, I began to react to the effects of the abuse, by doing harm to myself, as I had no self esteem left, and felt that I did not deserve to live. I attempted to blow my brains out with a pistol, O.D. on asprin and others drugs, and finally quit eating, and then my body began to eat itself internally, such as organs and what not, I finally was hospitalized, and during that time, the staff seen the interaction between me and the wife, while they had me confined to the cardiac ICU they would not allow her to see me. and then on to the psy ward, and she could only see me, attened by staff, I thought that they were trying to keep her safe from me? But eventually during the healing process, I seen that they were keeping me safe from her! LOL Well long story short, is that not to long after, I filed for divorce, had the system gear up to get me, the bad mad dog vicious killer man that I was, as she had everyone fooled into thinking that I was the abuser. But thankfully, a court appointed custody evaluator, seen the truth of what was going on. I got custody of my children, and she had her parental rights taken away, and could only have contact with the children if they contacted her first. Bottom line, Women abuse! Men abuse! and in long term relationships, both are beating the hell out of each other one way or another. The ticket, is for both genders to be more aware of self, and others, Don't react to the abuse, and report the abuser. Its the only way to help the abuser to get help, and put a safety net around those who are innocent. Put an end to abuse! Period! Locate the source, and deal with the problems. In my marriage, I now realize, that I was married to a borderline personallity disorder individual. She has yet to receive or heal from her mental illness. I have trust issues, but with greater awareness of those who are prone to abuse, hopefully I can spot them well in advance, and keep them away from me. :) Again, its not about numbers, or any one gender doing what to who, its about ABUSE and Both genders are able to be abusive! PERIOD We need to quit playing one gender against the other, and instead, join together and work to end as much of the abuse as possible.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

Emotional Abusers? Can they be helped? What is your opinion? Posted: 12/14/2007 9:16:38 PM
Random, you are so RIGHT! There is so many posts here, where I can understand and empathize with. I was abused as a child, and yes, I was an abuser as well, But when my wife left me, it was my wake up call, and I got help and healed. Sadly, she also was an abuser, so I went through many years of marriage, feeling guilty, and thinking that I was at fault for her abusive behavior. Then I got out, I have been on my own, single for the past 12 years, and I have met up with some emotionally abusive women, and I walked away, rather than allow myself to fall into that , I owe them something trap. I owe it to me, to love me! and share that positive aspect with others. I recently ended still yet another relationship with a lady, at first she was real slick and had me fooled, but after a few months, her bahaviors came to the surface, and I made her aware of it, she attempted to put the blame to me, so I walked, then she came back at me, and wanted to try again, only to start up the same garbage, so once again, I said see YA and away I went! Sad? yes its sad for me, that I was so willing to invest, and do my part to work and have a great relationship, but I learned along the way, to have a great relationship with myself first! then hopefully, to find a wonderful lady who shares the same awareness as I have. Best wishes to you all, Remember one thing, be a survivor, break the cycle, and live life to the fullest.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Emotional vampires Posted: 12/8/2007 2:05:58 PM
I just ended a relationship back in July, in which I had been with a female. I had been with her just shy of a year, and it was just a dating thing to begin with, but as time went on, she kept hammering away at my boundaires, and sadly, beating down my self esteem. Well I finally walked away. It took me a bit of time, to recenter myself. I happened to see in this post, a reference to boderline personality disorder, and because of that, I wanted to add in my two cents, because I had to experinece this rather abusive pattern from this woman. In my marriage of 19 years, I was married to a narcissic woman, it was all about her and nothing else. I got out and healed. Then to my dismay, 12 years single, I meet this wonderful woman (at least in the beginning) and then over the period of almost a year, she emotionally drained, and took me down, when I was feeling really depressed, my family and friends said hey! take a break from her, so I did, but she continued to harrass me, and attempted to get back together with me. I allowed her back to some degree, and then over a couple of months she began to try to lure me back in deep again, I stood my ground, and in the end, she set me up to appear as if I was the one who was doing all the controlling, and manipulation! LOL Well when it ended, I realized, that she was trying to draw me back in, so she could get her revenge, and reject and dump me, :) I let her play her game, and went along with it, and pretended to be emotionally close to her again, and then that is when she dumped me, with a big smile and lots of laughter, so I acted hurt and what not, and she went away. I had to go to therapy, to figure out what had happened? because she had messed with my mind and emotions, and I felt as if there was something terribly wrong with me such as I had some personality disorder. The therapist then laid it out to me, that I had been in a relationship with a borderline, well he pretty much told me, that my responsiblity in the matter, was that I chose to stay with it, when I should have been making tracks to the nearest door. Well I learned my lesson, and now I have gotten some books on the subject of personality disorders, so that I can study and become more aware of these kinds of people, so that in the future, I can steer well clear of them. They can do a lot of emotional damage to another person, and sadly they don't have the ability to feel any remorse or empathy toward their victim. Talk about distortion, lies, deceit, gaslighting, and bull chit, and they are pros, they will have you believe that you are the bad person, and crazy on top of it all. LOL

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Domestic Abuse! Any men had to deal with the social stigma of it? Posted: 10/20/2007 5:06:21 PM
Well , I was abused in childhood, sexually, physically, and verbally. Then in my marriage, I was abused emotionally, and mentally, and a few times I was even abused physically. When I was assulted by my ex wife, She tried to run me down with a vehicle, I reported her to the cops, ( I had a wittness,) they just talked to her, and did nothing else, other than ask me, what did you do, to make her so mad, that she would react as she did. thanks to the men in blue! Well after 19 years of marriage, and after taking out my shame upon myself, I gained the courage to divorce her, We battled in the courts for 2 years, and then the outcome was that I got both children back, as well as the house. The court terminated her parental rights, and I got on with my life, but she attempted for years after, to make my life a living hell, and still the system did little to step in and help me. so about a year ago, I taped a phone conversation, in which she was verbally abusing me as usual, I called the cops, and offered my proof, I further stated, that they had better do something, because if they didn't, then I would take matters into my own hands! They paid her a visit, and it finally lite up the light bulb in her head, that I was not going to sit there and take her crap. I have not heard from her since that time, and that has been over a year now. ( LOL)

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 304 (view)

Do women really get abused as much as they say or do they make it seem worse then it actually is? Posted: 10/11/2007 7:58:40 PM
I had been abused physically, and emotionally as a child. for many years, I had very poor self esteem, and was scared to death of drunk people, angry people, and emotionally manipulative people, such as bullies. Well I did go to thearpy, and healed, then met my then Wife, who was very sneaky, in that she was very manipulative, and controlling. I was married a total of 19 years, and during that time, I attempted to blow my brains out with a gun, on another occasion, unknown to what I was doing, I attempted to starve myself to death, in which I suffered a form of cardiac arrest, due to chemical imbalance in the body. I guess my point is, that in most cases, there is no clear victim, but in my case, my own fear of becoming an abuser, turns me into an abuser of myself. I guess that I would rather not exist, than to hurt another person. I had read on another thread here on POF, of another mans observations, that abuse victims often go through stages, with the last stage being titled The Crusader. I guess that I tend to agree with that observation, in that I no longer turn my anger inward toward myself, Now I allow myself to become angry, toward my tormentor, But rather than react to the torment with mirrored abuse, I now take it upon myself to expose the abuse, and the abuser. In doing this, I am able to then heal from the abuse, and eventually arrive at a stage of forgiveness of myself, for having been a victim, After all, when I was a child, there was nothing that I could do to escape the danger, But as an adult, I am able to say NO! and hope that the abuser heeds my warning, Should they ignore my warning, I then have the option of walking away, or standing my ground, exposing the behavior, and the abuser. I like to think of it as putting the spot light on where it belongs, The person who has the anger to abuse. This is what happened in my past marriage, in that my ex, attempted to portray me as the abuser, when in fact, she was the emotional, and mental abuser of me, and my two children, There was no way that I could leave my children with her, so my only option as I seen it, was to continue to take the abuse, as I figured that I had no possible way of getting custody. but over the years, the abuse got worse, and so finally I filed for divorce, She turned the divorce into a circus, as she played up the abuse victim part, all the while, she continued to emotionally abuse me, pushing my buttons, attempting to get me to react in an abusive manner. Well I did not react as she had hoped, and after a custody evaluation, and two years, I was able to gain custody of the children, And as well, the Court, terminated her parental rights! Of course she blames the system, and continues to play victim, even though she was the one who cheated, lied, manipulated, and was generally just a sorry assed individual, somehow she deludes herself into the belief that because she is a woman, she is the victim. pretty sad stuff, But when a woman claims abuse, I view it with some doubt. As a victim of abuse, I am all to aware of how women tend to abuse emotionally, such as my grandmother did to my father, who in turn abused me physically, and emotionally, And then of course my mother, who abused me emotionally as well. So I am a survivor, and proud to say, the buck stops here! but sadly I had married the wrong person, who in turn abused me and my children, which in turn caused my Son to become a manipuator much like his mother. But he has become aware, and grown and healed, and my daugther, well she is the one who got protected and raised in a more healthy manner. Thanks for the attention and understanding.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 54 (view)

How to tell a guy you aren't interested...?!? Posted: 9/1/2007 7:40:14 PM
If a guy is secure with himself, then he accepts rejection, and even though it may hurt, he will feel good enough about his life, that he will not respond in anger. On the other hand, if a guy is lacking in self esteem, then he will respond in a angry manner. So do not be afraid to say no thanks, I for one appreciate it if a woman is upfront and honest, as i see it as she is doing me a favor, by stating her lack of interest. It allows me to move on toward someone who may be interested.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

Ok guys, are you the macho type or kind & sensitive Posted: 9/1/2007 7:34:44 PM
Kind, and sensitive, that sums up who I am. I don't feel the need to bottle up how I feel or try to project an image different than who I am. I may look rough on the outside, but I am caring of others on the inside. But all in the same, I project balance with my personality, I can be strong when need be, and kind and considerate when emotions are not threatened.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Help how do you know if a guy just sees you as a lay Posted: 9/1/2007 6:45:40 PM
I think that Bob has a very good idea, in the sense of writing down what each other desires from a partner, and the part of running it like a business, I also agree with this as well, because, is not a relationship a spoken contract between two individuals?

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Are You Happy with YOU as a Prospective Date/Partner? Posted: 9/1/2007 6:38:49 PM
Yes, I am fairly happy with who I am as a person. To be sure, there are days when I am less happy, and other days, when I am really happy! and then the days inbetween, when I am just content. As far as sexuallity, No I don't ask personal questions, such as bra size, or whether a woman shaves? My first contacts with a woman, are to see if we have interest in each other, in the emotional and physical attraction sense, If I have contacted you via pm, then it should be clear, that I find some physical attraction to you, otherwise, I would not have approached you to begin with.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

to needy? Posted: 8/19/2007 6:23:58 PM
I agree with the idea, if a guy puts forth the effort to show that he is interested, and should you not be interested, it is far better to be honest, and let him know that you are not interested. Or show your actual level of interest. We are after all, adults, so you should be able to say No Thanks, and He should be able to move on from there, without insulting you for the rejection. I guess that I would desire some mutual respect, I show my interest, and a lady shows it back, or declines. Pretty simple

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

mind/heart games Posted: 3/13/2007 8:18:49 PM
OK, I am going to be a big person here, there was a time in my life, when I was a player. I had some pretty serious self esteem issues, and so I would chase after a woman, knowing fully well, that I did not really want to be with her, but rather it was I who was in need of attention and love. and then when that attention and love were offered, or given to me, I ran away, because I really did see myself together with her. Then I emotionally grew up, and had the game played on me, leaving me hurt and confused, and so yes there is Karma in this world, as I have experienced both sides of the coin. I broke off a relationship back in January, because after 7 months of dating, I got tired of getting my self esteem beaten down time and again. Sure it hurts, but look at the bright side, its better to be alone and feel good about yourself, than to be with someone, who is not returning the same feelings as you feel for your self. In the begining, they always seem so wonderful, and sweet, but as time goes by, it gets difficult for them to keep up the act, and they begin to slip, and you begin to see the emotional person who hides behind the sweet mask. And the rest is history. Better to just take a look in the mirror, make sure that you were honest, open, upfront, and communicated well, and if this is the case, walk away with your head held high, and say Next!

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Compliments Posted: 3/8/2007 3:51:36 PM
I am a very outgoing person, so I give out compliments often, expecting nothing in return. But it always makes my day, when a woman, smiles! and thanks me for noticing. Now if she takes the response a step more, then I know that she may be interested in getting to know me better. The best situation that I have encountered, is giving a lady a compliment, and she in reply, thanks me, and says, ya know, you are pretty beautiful man as well.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

Can a guy tell when a woman finds him attractive Posted: 2/25/2007 2:38:30 PM
Sometimes I am able to pick up on if a woman is attracted to me, such as that innocent but prolonged eye contact, or taking a second look at me. Standing near me, and expressing interest in my spoken words, or what I am attempting to do. Then other times, I have no clue what so ever.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

breakups? Posted: 2/25/2007 2:21:18 PM
Yes, I have experienced this kind of breakup, It is sad to say the least, but in the way of love, if I am not getting somewhat equal benefits from the relatioinship, then I put distance between us. If that sounds selfish, maybe so, but far as I am concerned, charity begins at home. And of course, their are the less than desireable traits, such as drug use, alcoholic, slacker, extremly selfish, or irresponisble behavior. So even though, she loved me, and I loved her, it was best of me to walk away. (by the way, her personality, was extremely selfsih, irresponsible behavoir, and emotionally abusive.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

Stay & suffer or leave & lose? Posted: 2/11/2007 4:10:57 PM
Its an all to famillar story, as I experienced the same in my past marriage, I was so unhappy, and felt as if I had nothing to look forward to, no goals or dreams to pursue, no reason to contiune to exist, except for the welfare of my kids, Well, I figured that even though I would lose everything, it was better to be alone, and at least be able to have a chance to pursue some happiness, So a bitter two year divorce began, and robbed me of what ever self esteem I had left, but I began a new life, and rebuilt from the ground up, that was 11 years ago, and once I regained my emotional balance, I let go, and have never lived a day of regret in my life, for having cut the rope, even my kids who are now adults, pat me on the back and thank for for the courage to go forward, as it enhanced there lives as well. Still single, but no deep drama, and no tension. just content, and happy to be me.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 72 (view)

The I'll call you Posted: 2/11/2007 3:44:12 PM
I am all about the idea, just like the msg 18, I am honest and upfront, And if you cannot show the same values as I, then I don't get upset, I am happy, because I know that I would not want to be involved with you in the first place. A few months ago, I was dating a lady, and several times after a date, she would say that she was going to call me, and guess what? after three times of hearing this line, she never did follow through, and it was me who had to call her, in order to set up the next date, I felt as though I was always the one doing all the work, and so I remarked to her, the very last time that she said I am going to call you, I laughed and said honey, don't say you are going to call if you have no intention of doing so, Well she of course got offended, and made it appear as if I was a jerk, who was saying she had no creditablity, and I asked "and your poiint is?" Laugh, well now she refuses to answer my emails or phone calls, so I guess we are no longer dating. LOL

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 68 (view)

It takes men longer... Posted: 2/9/2007 8:31:02 PM
Dealing with the emotional impact, I learned as a male, to let myself feel the pain, hold it, morn the loss, cry, talk to others, and not internalize it, all of this I learned, because of the deep depression that I have suffered through in my life, because I had held in my emotions, just like most men do. Now I am able to do my grief work, and let go more quickly, have better emotional and mental health. I don't view myself as weak, for expressing my emotions, nor do I care if another person see me weep or cry for a loss. My divorce cut me deeply, but what helps me to stay grounded, was my children, whom I had won custody of. I was still the protector, and then I became the comfort giver as well. I became Dad and Mom, and my children are more likely to approach me when life pitches them a hard ball, as opposed to there mother. It took longer for me to get over the divorce, because A. My ex had someone waiting in the wings, B. the unfairness of the court system C. society is more prone to comfort a female, as opposed to a male., because the woman is the weaker sex, and need comfort, men on the other hand are susposed to be strong, buck it up!

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

It takes men longer... Posted: 2/5/2007 4:44:35 PM
For me, I would have to say, that I agree with the original post. I give of myself deeply, emotionally, to my relationships, and when I have had a break up, its taken me a long time to get over it. I love with passion, and trust, and relationships are of great importance to me, Family and friends are dearly cherished. As well its the same with a love relationship, although I may desire to be cautious in the begining of a relationship, once I have commited emotionally, I am in it for the long haul. I also feel that the statement about women getting over a relationship is quicker, Or so it appears to be the case that I have experienced in my past relationships. The women seen to be able to just shut it down, and walk away.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

confidence Posted: 2/1/2007 4:53:21 PM
Studly23, I think that you are right in part about confident people getting involved with people of the opposite, as to why? not exactly certain. On the subject of changing for a relationship. for me, I am open minded, and fexible enough to make changes, but my relationship partner has got to be willing to be honest, and open about what they are asking of me. Its the game, where one is manipulated, or deceived, without knowing, that is of my concern, If a partner needs me to compromise on an emotional level, I can do this, but the request has to be met with the understanding, that I would expect the same ability, and flexible stance from them on issues as well. I derive a great deal of my confidence, from the emotionally secure person that I am, as a single individual, I have been taught all of my life, to have the strength to stand on my own two feet, which by the way, I can do quite well. Now I have had to learn to share, be dependent, and interdepndent as well, which means to allow me to rely upon others, Most of my past relationships have had me doing the bulk of the changing, giving, or as I have felt, I was the mule for the relationship. Having discovered this about myself, I now aim for balance between me and my partner, Let me stand as an individual, and not expect extreme change of me, and I will do the same for my partner, Keeping in mind, that I am open to compromise, but the matter of complete trust comes into the picture as well. I cannot nor will not allow that trust to be violated, once this happens, then lack of trust results in closeness to the other person, and a feeling of insecurity on my part, to remain close to that person. I want control over me, I am confident enough in myself, to be completly open, and honest, You control your thoughts, actions, and needs, I control my thoughts, actions, needs. We as a couple, establish trust, Communication, and open to change for the health of the relationship. These are the merits of building a solid foundation, for a future relationship. Sadly, there are many posers, actors/actress's and pretenders out there, who muck things up for us confident individuals, they hide behind masks, and deceive us. They are the reason why we as healthy individuals, have a hard time meeting each other. We have been burned by our own hope, and ability to trust, thus we tend to be very cautious of others, which forces us to adapt, and wear some of the masks that we have worked so very hard to rid ourselves of. I just want to continue to have the right, to say yes I can give or change, or no I cannot change or give as I am not comfortable with the request. Again, keep in mind, I am a somewhat fexible, but I do have my limits.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

How off putting is this? Posted: 2/1/2007 1:50:01 PM
For most of my life, I have worked as a operations engineer, and with the job, comes the on call status as well. During my marriage, and two kids, it was a common complaint of my wife, that I worked to much, as she felt that family life suffered because of my work. The funny thing about it, was when I finally curtailed the on call status to a smaller amount of hours, then she was always complaining about the lack of cash in the bank account! LOL So you get an idea of why I am divorced now. As well, I took a lower paying job, with less on call hours, so that I could have custody of my children, who are now 11 years later Grown. I have no desire to work long hours, or overtime any longer, because simply put, I want to have some balance in my life for once. So yea if a gal I met, like a doctor or nurse, was always on call, and taking off, it would be a situation, that I would have to consider if it were right for me.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

confidence Posted: 1/31/2007 5:53:16 PM
Well I believe in me, I am a really grounded in me, I am honest, upfront, open, social, Balanced in that I am able to be independent, and dependent on others, without fear. I do have an inner strength, but as well, I do desire to be validated by others, or at the very least, they give me feed back on the person that they see in me. I recently ended a bad dating experience, because the lady who I was dating, was insecure, and projected her emotional state on me, in that she was dumping her baggage on my door step. She became down right abusive toward me, because she began to say things, like you think you are so important! and you think that I am at your beacon and call, You are sort of snotty. Now everyone else that knows me well, says I am warm, caring, polite, considerate, understanding, patient, down to earth, and easy going, bla bla bla So how is it, that this woman was seeing something so different? I figure that she was lacking in confidence, and so she was intimadated by me, and felt as though she had to take me down a few pegs, so she began to play mind games, I often tried to talk to her about what she was seeeing in me, but just could not get a straight answer out of her. So I was not accepted into her life, and so I ended things as politely as possible, and got a very angry and negative earful from her putting me down once again. Guess that it was not meant to be. Well her loss and my gain, because truth trumps Bull shet any day.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

betrayel of Trust Posted: 1/30/2007 6:41:24 PM
Sorry to hear about your relationship going bad, as well, I can understand your fear to trust. the lady who posted above me, has really hit the nail on the head. If you lose the ablity to trust, and love, you limit yourself to darkness, and begin to live a life from within a protective shell. In doing so, you shut yourself off, from love. I have had many relatioships fail, the one that was the caused me the most pain, was of course my 19 year marriage, and the many dreadful things that my ex did during the marriage, during the divorce process. Sadly, I have had a couple of failed relationships since my divorce, and just as you feel now, I too had difficulty in trusting myself due to my selection process, and of any future chances. I realized my trust issues, and have begun to be able to trust again, Not everyone woman/man is a worthless dog, Its all about the individual.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 80 (view)

Use of semi automatic guns for hunting Posted: 1/28/2007 3:08:36 PM
Well, I have used a semi automatic rifle for hunting, because it was my first purchased firearm, and I was not able to afford the purchase of another style of firearm. The reason for the purchase, was that it was meant for multi purpose hunting, such as water foul, Big game, (deer) so one gun, many uses. until I was able to afford more specific rifles,pistols, for each mode of hunting.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 1168 (view)

I am single because... Posted: 1/28/2007 2:53:36 PM
Well, I am single, mainly because I divorced 11 years ago, my focus was on raising my children, and now that they are grown, I am single because she is not been located as of yet.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

Can we define abuse? Posted: 1/27/2007 5:36:40 AM
Well as a past victim, of many forms of abuse, I would like to state my two cents, Someone asked, why would an abused person stay in an abusive relationship? and a response, was because it is two part system. Abuse, is an action, meant to give the abuser power and control over others. I was abused physically and emotionally as a child by my father, I was raped by a neighbor, In this whole process, my self image was torn down, and in the case of my father, whom I loved deeply, I only wanted to please him, so that he would instead show affection and love, as opposed to anger, and rejection. I then married a woman, who was emotionally abusive, very controlling, deceiful, nagging, negative, withholding sex, dinner, and so on. Was married to her for 19 years, and during this time, I too became an abuser as well, because I felt that I did not have a way out of the situation, like Fight or Flee. I chose to fight! so I argued with her, put her down, and one time I slapped her in the face. My family, (mother, siblings, wife) made me go to anger management classes, So my abuse stopped, but my wife continued to abuse me and the children emotionally and physically. I want you all to keep in mind, I loved my wife deeply! and I stayed, because in part, I felt as if I could not live without her, I needed the love, and acceptance from her in order to feel good about myself. Well funny thing happened, my wife got a boyfriend, and had an ongoing affair behind my back for two years, when it came to light, I said, either its him or me, but someone has to go. She chose her boyfriend over me. She pulled the good old, I am afraid of my husband! he's a mad dog killer! he threatened to take me and the children behind the house and shoot us! I got served a restraining order, removed from the house, kept away from my children, and property. I filed a divorce, we went through a custody battle, yes I love my children, and there was no way this wench was going to contiune to incur her wrath upon my babies! Well, here is the funny part! Ha Ha, when the courts completed the process, a report was issued and it recommended that I the Father, receive custody of the children, She and her boyfriend were removed from the house, My ex was stripped of her parental rights, I became the sole legal guardian/parent of the kids. So how is that for an ending? I did allow the children to continue to see their mother, even though I did not have to, but as my son was 16, I left it up to him and the daughter was 7, and so I made all visits supervised, until she was in her teens. My ex wife still hates me, that's fine by me, but I always wonder when she will realize the loving gesture that I gave to her, in allowing her to continue to see the children. She is their Mother after all, and even though she has issues, she is still capable of giving love to them. Just had to make sure that we kept her issues in check! Now my Son is 28 years of age, has severed his relationship with me and his mother, because of what happened in his childhood, he holds me accountable for his abuse, because he feels as if I should have done something sooner. My daughter is 19, and is well adusted and has a relationship with her mother, but when things get out of hand, with the nagging, etc, she gets up and leaves! I still have the emotional scars within me, and Thanks to this thread! A LIGHT BULB JUST WENT ON! I have finally realized, that I still have a tendency, to be attracted to women who are abusive! I see that I am seeking them out, and trying to make peace with my past abusers, trying to get them to love and accept me for the wonderful loving person that I am. (of course they will never ever give the acceptance or love that I seek!) So now I can complete my life long quest, and let go of my internal pain, and be a whole person who loves and accepts me for being such a great GUY! And the cycle stops right here, right now, and yes I can now understand why I do as I do, because after all, its a two part system. right? Thanks POF posters! You are all great! (now I have to go and have a good cry!) What you ask! a man that cries? no wayyyy YES I say, its true! God Bless you all

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

One is not enough? Posted: 1/27/2007 4:33:52 AM
Adam, you of course Hit the Nail right on the head. A guy or woman, who has multiple dating habits, is playing the field, and if he/she told you about the fact that they are with many people, you would probably leave. So they put you on a string until either they don't want you, or you bust them, and leave. Either way, you suffer emotional hurt if you get to far into them. Generally, my take on multiple daters, is that they are emotionally needy people, Nothing wrong with dating a person who is this way, as long as they are honest about what they are doing, because then you have the power to decide just how deeply you are willing to get involved with them emotionaly.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

Why do guys do this? Posted: 1/24/2007 9:24:55 AM
In general, the word is most guys, I am different than most guys, in that I believe strongly in Good communication. As well, if I were to feel inclined to back off a bit, I most certaintly would inform my partner of my need to back off, or put some emotional distance between us, so that I could check out my emotions, and see where I stand. COMMUNICATION is the key word.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 85 (view)

Super Bowl Predictions Posted: 1/21/2007 3:24:07 PM
Yep, Da Bears are on their way to the big show 41. Congrats to all though rough neck Bears fans out there! Signed a die hard purple people eater fan.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 331 (view)

NFL Football Pools Posted: 1/21/2007 3:19:58 PM
Ah well I have said DA BEARS to the big show this year since the playoffs began. So I guess the proof is in the pudding. I have nothing but the higest respect for the Saints though. Take a 3 and 13 team, and turn it around, to a 10 and 6 team in the next season. WoW. But even as much as I wanted to hitch up my wagon to the Saints, I knew that Dem Bears were a tough nut to crack. So its official, Da Bears to the big show against???????? Pats or Colts? But who is going to Win? Well Da Bears of course. But hey! watch out for the Saints next year! Norseman51 the die hard Vikes fan!

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

I think I'm cursed in love Posted: 1/19/2007 5:59:50 PM
Ditto! ktodd1969. I have had the misfortune of dating a few women, who gushed over me, and then suddenly just walked away, dissapeared into thin air. And I am left feeling rejected, and then just when I am feeling better about myself, they tend to suddenly appear, and want to pick up where we left off. Without realizing, I have moved on. Honesty, good communication, and TRUST are so very important to me. If I cannot trust you, then I have no reason to want to be in a close relationship with you. plain and simple.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

why do men lie and lead you on ? Posted: 1/19/2007 5:37:04 PM
Men Lie, and lead women on, because they are emotionally needy! They need to use you, for sex, emotional closeness, validation of emotions. And yes Complete Kaos is right, they are sick **stards!

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

Super Bowl Predictions Posted: 1/15/2007 3:26:45 PM
I am far from a Bears fan, being from Minnesota, but I stand by my eailer prediction, Da Bears all the way. I know that Rex has his on and off days, and the team has some key injured players, but notice how they played yesterday, I said in another post, that the Hawks and Bears were a toss up, because they were very equal in terms of player talent. Now don't go selling off Da Bears just yet, sure the saints are going to be tough, but that Bears defense is tough, even playing lousy, still a tough D-fence.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Are there any men capable of showing the care? Posted: 1/14/2007 8:30:35 AM
To answer your question, Yes! there are a great wealth of Men, who care and love, and show emotions. In your case, sadly, it appears that your husband shut down emotionally, to protect his emotions from any further pain. Usually in the event of a emotional split, one partner is ahead of the other, in shutting down emotionally, as they have given up on the idea of the relationship working out. So yes, there was a time when he probably cared deeply, but because of the pain, and instablity of the relationship, he began to put emotional distance between you and him.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Will Seahawks make a repeat apperance in SB 41????? Posted: 1/13/2007 1:12:00 PM
Funny thought, I was just tauting Kaos a few weeks back, about which team she thought would advance to the big show, I mentioned the Hawks and Da Bears as the two NFC teams that I was felt, had a chance, and here they are set to play tomorrow. I am not dissing Seattle at all, as I feel that its a toss up to which team is victor. But I am going to pick Da Bears, to go all the way.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Going back to the Ex!!!! Posted: 1/9/2007 6:00:04 PM
I had been married a total of 6 years, and me and my ex split up, and all that was needed was for the divorce papers to get finalized. But then after 7 months, she appoached me, expressing a desire to try again. I said, O what the heck, we lasted another 13 years, and then we really did make the divorce final! I know, hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I would have been strong enough to have ended it at the six year mark. So no, no second chances, unless, like other have said, the issues that contributed to the divorce, get resolved rock solid!

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

heart on your sleeve Posted: 1/6/2007 5:15:12 PM
Well I have to add that those who have posted, that you have to respect yourself, and love yourself, are so correct. I used to allow the kind of disrespect, and rude behavior, But now, if you step on my toes, then expect me to say get the HeII off! I am quick to react to those who treat me with disrespect, as in I call them onto the carpet! and eventually, I walk away Quick! But anyone who meets me, knows right away, that I am a caring, and open person. but my forte is that now, my weakness has in fact become a strenght.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

Someone explain what headgames are? Posted: 1/6/2007 4:28:53 PM
I like runtome's idea's as to what headgames are all about, Like it or not, it appears that most people play out many of the games that runtome has listed in this post. I am a honest person, and in the beginning of any relationship, I may be very cautious, but I communicate what is going on with me, ya I know that its somewhat dangerous, because it requires me to open up and be vulnerable, but if the woman who I am attempting to get to know, is honest as well, then the head game stuff need not be played out on such a grand scale? Sorry Kaos, the dictionary version does not go far enough to explain the true meaning.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

What classifies a manwhore? Posted: 1/1/2007 5:45:28 PM
A man whore is not all that different than a female prostitute. only differece between the two, is that the female is compensated for her time. A man whore, wants or needs to have sex to feel close to his partner, its more about physical intimacty, than money. He is generally quite experienced, knows his way around a woman's body, and how to please her, and sincerely desires to please his partner, his reward of course is physical and sometimes emotional closeness. He has had many lovers, as he is afraid of commitment, so he moves around seeking his next partner, to please, and then move on when closeness, and commitment draw near. He's a Smooth Operator!

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

heart on your sleeve Posted: 1/1/2007 5:16:14 PM
I used to be one of the people who wore their heart on there sleeve as well, but after getting mind game played, taken advanatage of, and generally walked on, I learned to put on a mask, or barrier, to at least keep the low life, pond scum at bay. I am not such a trusting person any longer, cause I got burned one to many times. Now, if you want my trust, you have to earn it, and it is not going to happen overnight. Meanwhile, I will sit back, extend love to a degree, but mainly observe your actions and manners for quite some time, before I open up fully to you. You are a soft heart, full of compassion, and honesty, and love, these are all great attributes, for a person to have. Its to sad that there are so many needy people who will be drawn to you, and cannot return the gesture, so you have to protect your precious gift.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

life after loving a user Posted: 1/1/2007 4:57:00 PM
Very good way to state your case, Sam. Still yet another view, Learn to Love and accept oneself. Look in the mirror, emotionally, and see what is your reflection, and what you do not like about yourself, Change. and then look again, and then accept that of what you like about yourself. After that, Love Yourself. We all have internal flaws, some have reached a greater awareness, and made change. And then learned to love oneself. I used to be an enabler, came from an alcolholic family, (father-Grandmother-Uncle-Brother.) married an emotional user, got divorced, faced up to myself and the role that I played. Got healthy, and now consider myself quite a bit more aware, of self and others, and approach life, and others, with a bit more emotional balance. And O ya, I stay emotionaly distant from Users, cause they have a way of getting past my internal radar.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

life after loving a user Posted: 12/25/2006 5:58:33 PM
I hate to admit that I had an experience a few years ago, in which I got emotionally attached to a woman, who turned out to be a deceiful wench, She was living with another man, and they had an open relationship, but she intentionally withheld this fact for many months, but I kept seeing red flags, and began to back away from her, at which time she informed me of her open relationship. and said hey not my fault, cause I told you I did not desire to get involved in a serious relationship. Well it took a toll on me, to end the relationship, and I still yet have trust issues, but I accept responsiblity for allowing myself to develop an emotional attachment way to soon. I learned my lesson, and now I have done the emotional work necessary to keep me from moving to fast toward a relationship. I intend to take as much time as needed, to insure that I will have the ability to spot flags, and react in a necessary manner. Sorry to hear about your experience, and nothing that I say is going to help you from dealing with the pain of your experience. But remember, Karma! I strongly believe that she will get what she has coming to her, some time in her future.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

alone again on another christmas. Posted: 12/25/2006 5:20:08 PM
I did not hardly sleep at all last night, and then slept in late into the morning, Me and a lady I had been seeing, well this past week, she got really weird on me, and refuses to answer my attempts to contact her. I really miss her. My son has not spoken to me in almost a year, I called him and left a message, wishing him a Merry Christmas, and told him I miss him. My daughter came home after visiting her mother, and was really down in the dumps, as she felt like an outcast with her mothers, in laws. Her mom pretty much ingored her the entire time. I had to hug her, and we talked for a while, and she cheered up! I am sad about the loss of my family sturcture, (divorce 10 years ago) but I have no regrets about the divorce. But for me, not having that someone special in my life these past years has had an impact upon my emotional self. I have always had a very hard time with the holidays, because I come from a large family, I have 4 brothers and a sister, but we are all fractured by our parents divorce, and their deaths years ago. Family is so very important, but as you age, you wonder off into your own world, and forget about others, then the day comes when you are alone, and you are feeling guilty about having ingored the more important things in life. Family! Friends! and Sharing! I can promise everyone here, that I have learned a painful lesson, and I will never forget my family and friends, and to share and be together whenever possible. Forget about chasing money, and having material stuff, its people that help bring happiness to my life. So to my extended family of POF, I offer my warmest and most sincere HUG! I thank you for letting me know that even if I am alone in the physical sense, I know that you are all out there sharing with me in that big HUG! Merry Christmas, hang in there and the holidays will be over with soon, if you are lonely, seek out others who are in the same position, and share your presence and love with those other people, and feel the warmth of there presence.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Christmas Sucks! Posted: 12/24/2006 4:41:00 PM
Allthe 3s thanks for your inspiration, I have always had a difficult time with the holidays. this year is no different, I could wallow in saddness, but I am doing my very best to keep looking at the bright side of things. But at the same time, life happens. I lost my father when i was 22 years old, we were not close, he was very physically abusive, and emotional as well. A few years back, I visited his gravesite, and let go of the anger that I had carried around for almost 25 years, in doing so, I allowed for him to quit controlling me from beyond the grave. I forgave him, and moved on. Then I sent a letter to my ex-wife, and apologized for the failure of our marriage, and said I forgive you for the emotional abuse that you directed upon me. My oldest son has not spoken to me in over a year, I wrote him an email a few months back, and asked him to let go of his anger toward me, and forgive me, because of the divorce. Never have gotten a reply, but I still love him, and miss him just the same. I lost my mother 15 years ago, I was very close to her. I griefed her loss, but I still miss her warm presence, her wisdom, and her loving embrace. But life is what it is, and so I look to make my day better for me, by realizing, that money and material things do not bring happiness, its all of those wonderful humans who share with me, that make me want to continue to live, and seek happiness, and comfort.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 237 (view)

ALONE FOR THE HOLIDAYS? how are you dealing with it? Posted: 12/22/2006 11:02:53 PM
This is my third year, been divorced for 10, and for the past three years, the kids have not been around having lives of there own. I have to admit, that it has been hard being alone, but this year I decided that I was not going to be sad, or get depressed, I don't turn on the TV or radio, because of all the x-mas stuff blasting about families, shopping, and running around. So I do things that interest me, and just get by for the most part. This year I have been invited over to an open house at my brothers place, so that is where I will head, it would be nice if I had an S.O. but I have no need to get involved with some one just so that I don't have to be alone.

norseman51

Joined: 10/12/2005

Msg: 58 (view)

Why do we like the A$$hole types Posted: 12/19/2006 12:57:26 PM
Well I just had to have a go at this thread, badboy vs goodboy, I am no doormat to no one, I guess what sets me apart from the titles, such as A$$hole and Nice guy, is that I am a combonation of both, I am honest, open, and prone to share. I am self assured in my own right, I have my confidence and carry myself as such, because I don't need to wear a mask. I treat people with respect, and consideration, until which time that they give me a reason not to. I do not attempt to control others, only myself. I do not judge others, only myself. I love others, because I love myself. I guess the best way for me to describe me, is mature and balanced, I can show my emotions, but don't take that as I am weak, because it is actually a strength, I can be reserved, and quiet, but don't take that as me having nothing on my mind, but rather, I am observing, and thoughtful. As far as badboy image? I am a former paratrooper, and at one time trained to be a Army Ranger, so I have the ability to protect those that I care about, as well as myself. I raised two children, by myself, while others were out playing games, and being social. I am not sure what a woman looks for in a man, but I know what type of person that I am, A Real Man, My chilldren know me to be strong, firm, and loving, with generous emotions, But they have also found out, that I don't budge to easy, when they are attempting to manipulate me. In fact I get rather upset and let it be known, So for me, because I am a complete, self sufficent, Emotionaly Aware, individual. I only look to get close to those who have the same qualities as I have. I do not have time for bad girls, or wussy girls, because they are one extreme or the other. I want a woman of confidence, intelligence, high self esteem, balanced emotionaly, She has no need to look for a jerk, because she can be one herself at times, and she does not need a man, but rather she wants to share herself with a man. All the rest are now excused to go play in the sand box out back of the pond.

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