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rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Met on date site now does one withdraw or ask the question? Posted: 11/22/2009 7:59:28 PM
Said it before - say it again! Long distance only works when both are willing to put the effort into it to make it work! Nine months in and he doesn't want to take the time or make the effort to meet? Time to lay it on the line and decide where it goes or get it done with. By now you should both have some idea of what the other is looking for. If it's too much effort for him to get together for meetings - it's probably over. If you haven't met up at all yet - it's never gonna start! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 33 (view)

Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting Posted: 10/2/2009 1:11:13 PM
Good topic! I can't speak to the question of a given relationship being just a habit - I don't have the best track record for longevity there anyway. I know I've "pined" for some who left and others I was relieved. I'm certain a lot of the "pining" was more for the familiar comforts ofthe relationship than for the person herself! What I have found after many years of mistakes (my part and theirs) is that, for me, just being in a relationship was a habit! When one failed - I ran for the next. When I was single - I felt I was doing something wrong! If I wasn't at least dating - I felt I wasn't "normal" like everyone else around me! So I'd do my grieving or decompression if you will (usually a very short period) , get back on that horse, and proceed to ride blindly into the next catastrophe! Strangely enough, most who know me would never consider me as either co-dependent or as someone who needed a partner to validate himself. I've never had any problems leaving behind places, things, and even people when it was time to go! I've always been able to "stand on my own". I always claimed that I just chose not to. When I found myself alone at 44 after being left behind by someone I truly thought was my soulmate, it forced me to consider what I might be doing wrong. After all, if the single common denominator in several insoluble equations is me - I must be a large factor in the fact that the equations are unsolvable! I finally did the one thing I'd never tried. I didn't look for the next one, I looked at what I had in my life without any one else in it. A few years into this agonizing new experience - I finally realized I didn't need someone to be happy! What a revelation! I even figured out that alone doesn't always need to be lonely. I was still a long way from any kind of real enlightenment - there was still a lot of bitterness and blame laying to be overcome - but I was learning. It took a lot more time to finally realize the root of the problem - I was addicted to the comforts of being with someone - I just wasn't choosing those partners for anything beyond the fact that they were available! Basically a habit of not being alone! So yes - relationships can be the result of habit. The loss we feel when they dissolve IS often from the fact that we've fallen into comfortable, familiar, patterns of behavior and we agonize over the loss of those comforts, not the partner who left us (or we left) behind. Even when we know our lives are truly better despite the "loss". Some habits just aren't easy to break away from. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

Home alone when she is partying Posted: 9/10/2009 7:04:01 AM
Thoughts on men who stay home? Well - I guess that would depend on wether they stay home because they don't want to get out with their partner or because they have other issues to attend to and just can't. If the former - the relationship already has problems way beyond the girlfriend getting out for some fun! If the latter? Don't know about across the pond but over here I'd say it's fairly common. Just something that is caused by and condoned in a modern lifestyle. I have no problems with it as long as it's an occasional kind of thing. I'll even get out for things my girlfriend can't participate in occasionally. Nothing in the world wrong with "me" time as long as there is plenty of "we" time in the relationship too! Now for the third case, the one you didn't mention, those women who want to get out and demand that their boyfriend stay home? When it gets to be an every week thing it usually means an entirely different set of problems. I've had an ex wife and an ex SO who had those kinds of issues and it turns out that the getting out alone wasn't just to have some "me" time or even due to my hectic schedule - it was to find their next ex after me! I suppose it all depends on the situation. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

How to Paint a Camo Truck Posted: 8/25/2009 2:28:18 AM
Hey OP: With paint on paint - all you need to do is wash it really good and scuff it up really good with 200 or 250 grit sandpaper. Don't sand through to bare metal or you will have to primer! The paint should stick OK after that. Depending on how good of a job you want is what affects what you do next. for something that will last a few years and not look too homebrew - I'd do this: I would pick a color for the base coat and then paint the whole truck with that. let it dry fully. Wet sand lightly (run water over the paint while sanding with 600 grit paper) and let it dry. You might need a second coat depending on how much you sand away smoothing it out. If so repeat. TIP: My ex father in law always said you could smooth out a roller or brush paint job quickly by driving it fast down a gravel or dirt road while the paint was still wet. Might save some wet sanding time since it takes some effort to smooth out brush strokes in dry paint when ya have to do it by hand :) Don't know if it orks or not! Once you have a good base coat then you go to town with your other colors! Always totally finish with one color and let it dry before going to the next or the colors will blend and bleed. Patterns cut from cardboard can help if you want"leopard spots" or leaves. Just put them down on the truck and use a roller. Using a cardboard straight edge will make bars and stripes appear more regular. just hold it on the truck and run a brush or roller down the edge for nice straight outlines and then fill in the center. Once you get it done - wet sand lightly again to smooth it out and let it fully dry for a few days before ya take it out in the mud and crud. Should hold up for a year or two and not look too shabby. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

What is the expectation here guys?!? Posted: 8/25/2009 2:02:03 AM
Wow! Seems to me that the issue of exclusivity is one that settles itself over time anyway. Either I'm the last guy standing or I've moved on and it's one of the others. As long as you aren't in bed with all of them while figuring it out - seems to me it's your choice! Don't know as I'd want the instant replay details of your other dates if we were dating - but I would want to know you are dating others in order to decide if it's worth my effort to stay in the game! I also have to say that you would have to be an exceptional lady for me to stay interested in competing for you for very long. I'll make a reasonable effort to stand out over the others but I won't be your "Thursday night guy" while you take a year deciding between me and the other six nights either! Flip it around. How would it feel to you if a guy you like is dating several others while you are dating him? How is waiting for him to make that choice gonna make you feel? Like it or not - there is your answer. No expectations on exclusivity in the beginning - but no tolerance for competing in a game I don't see as winnable either! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Phone calls Posted: 8/25/2009 1:25:07 AM
It's not just the young who hate phones! I see them as a necessary evil - and use them accordingly. For me - to call someone just to chitchat 3 times a week is way above and beyond normal. I'd much rather spend the time doing something with the person as opposed to talking on that @#$#@!! phone! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Understanding My Guy Best Friend Posted: 8/25/2009 1:15:22 AM
Being the same age as your friend - I can tell you that we guys have to start facing a whole slew of things we'd rather not face at about this point in our life. It could be that the whole issue is based in something like that and not a sudden overpowering need to be more a part of your life. Or it could be that he's been cherishing a hope of one day being with you and is finally admitting to himself it's not going to happen. Either way, give him time and space and he'll eventually come around. Then in terms of whether he has feelings for me, I've discussed this with my guys friends as well. He says that he loves me and that I'm his best friend. If he has developed feelings for me after all these years . . . can guys just be friends with someone that they have fallen in love with? Yes we can - but never easily and we often do stupid things that can ruin the friendship if you let us! It may take some walking on eggs on your part for a while to salvage this friendship if that is what is happening! But if there ever was a friendship beyond him hanging on the sidelines hoping for more - he'll never abandon you totally. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

When we were young, things were pretty simple Posted: 8/25/2009 12:39:07 AM
As for the future: I think it will be worse. Our large metropolitan complexes will continue to expand. Anonymity will grow ever more prevalent with the ubiquity of anonymous communication on the Net. Unlike our parents, and some of us, neighbors in these megolithic beehives will not know each other, nor care about each other. It will just be safer that way. TK - I think we use the same crystal ball! I suspect that the current decline in our quality of life has less to do with either erosion of moral standards or technical advances than you believe though. Moral erosion is merely a symptom while technological advance is at most an influencing factor or accelerator. I tend to put the blame on some of the social engineering projects instituted around the late fifties and early sixties. With the pervasive and insidious spread of "big government into every facet of our lives we have absolutely no control over what our children are taught or exposed to in the name of mandatory public education! We haven't had any say in this for at least three generations now! We've built ourselves a less priveleged, fully subsidized, underclass through the many state and federal entitlement programs which is rapidly becoming a very large segment of our population. Enough so that it threatens to swamp the democratic process. Guess where that leads? Can we say bread and circuses? We've allowed many of our constitutional rights and priveleges to be watered down to the point of lunacy! No fault divorce makes it so much easier for families to fall apart! We allow the government to mandate the means and standards to which we raise our children. I could go on and on. Most would only read it and say "what a crackpot"! The majority who are in a position to do something about it won't because changing the system in any meaningful way might just impact their life negatively! None of these have anything to do with a more complex lifestyle, moral erosion, or advancing technologies. Just what seemed to be a good idea at the time, implemented in a sweeping way, that is having unforeseen side effects fifty years later! In short - we've built a monster with the best of intentions. Now we can't figure out how to dismantle it without destroying the very society it was meant to preserve! Major social upheaval is an understatement for what it will take to return our society to a healthy track at this point! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

are you still sexually experimenting? Posted: 8/24/2009 11:30:30 PM
Does finally learning to use the left hand count? Every time I'm certain I know it all - someone comes up with some inconvenient new piece of knowledge I have to learn or they'll take away my "know it all" card Sexual pleasure is almost certainly the same - I'm gonna learn new things about it right up til the day I die! It's like any other form of learning. The day we stop learning is the day they need to stick us in our coffin because even though our heart may still be beating - we've simply failed to notice that we died! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Stupid or smart to apoligize after the fact? Posted: 8/24/2009 10:31:13 PM
OP: A piece of advice to go along with what has already been offered. Don't be too subtle in your approach on this. Us guys often don't interpret subtle well! Having been put in the friend zone - even if we're only hanging around hoping for more someday - we can be purposefully obtuse when interpreting hints! We already got stuck in the friend zone in the beginning so we certainly don't wanna get thrown all the way out of your life for reading too much into those subtle hints! Find a way to let him know exactly how you feel no matter how awkward. Otherwise you may find yourself wishing you had made that effort while watching him walk down the aisle with someone else in the future! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

she says she needs space?? How much is enough? Posted: 8/24/2009 7:11:27 AM
OP: Space means space -preferably lots of it! Doesn't matter whether she's just confused or has met someone else - she needs you gone right now! I've been where you are! Realistically - the most you have right now is that she may want you around later. If you keep yourself up in her face - even with nothing more than weekly calls - she'll eventually push you all the way out. Time to man up and move on OP. It's the only chance I see that might make you able to have something with this girl later. Even if you don't get her back after moving on - at least you are making yourself available for something better to come into your life instead of just hanging around making you and her both miserable! Cheers.

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Curious behavior? Or am I just so rusty.... Posted: 8/24/2009 5:46:45 AM
it sounds to me like you let your hopes get the better of you with this guy. a good way to think about meeting people online is that until you meet someone face to face, everything is meaningless. Well said David! OP, read enough of these threads and you'll see that what you've run up against happens a lot! You'll come to realize that until you get that meet - you just have no way of even knowing if you like them or not! Once you do learn that, it gets a lot easier to be philosophical about the ones who string us along with e-mail, chat, and phone but who never manage to get face to face with us for whatever reasons. My opinion on this situation? You weren't moving too fast or being pushy! From what you write - you didn't bring up the meet, he did. You were only calling to verify a tentative plan. His lack of response is the key here. For whatever reason, he cut communications when the possibility of meeting became a reality. Don't waste too much time or emotion overanalyzing it. He isn't ready right now! That doesn't mean you should cut him off or get all upset with him though. He may call back or not. You may eventually meet - or not! The only thing it means is that you have to accept that this kind of stuff happens with online dating. It's a long road back to Eden - don't sweat the small stuff along the way! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

IF you found yourself interested in a woman whose divorce was pending. . . Posted: 8/23/2009 10:40:29 PM
Been there, done that, learned from my mistake! But then again being extremely interested was the reason I threw caution to the wind. Life had taught me that if you don't strike sure and fast - especially at those women considered to be a "prize" - someone else gets there first and you're left wishing you would have made that move! So I did - and lived to regret it! No matter how warranted the divorce was or how sincere the woman may be - the process itself can cause major shifts in wants, needs, and plans she makes for the future. Not to mention that even the friendliest of divorce proceedings often kick off a maelstrom of emotional trauma - even in the one who initiates it! Far too many bad things can happen during that time from the filing until the finalization of the decree. Personally - I'd wait for the divorce to go final these days before trying to be anything other than a friend. Even at the risk of losing out! Even then - I might wait a while to see how she reacts to being single again before initiating anything serious. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Always Gal Pal, never Girlfriend Posted: 8/23/2009 9:34:57 PM
Gotta agree with the many who say you need to change something you are doing! Can't say what for sure - but something is making these guys see ya as more of a "gal pal" than a candidate for romance. I have a few close "gal pals" myself and the truth is that they are so rare to find that I'm not gonna screw up the friendship trying for something more that may or may not work out! Having been down that road I can tell ya it usually leads to losing a lot more than you get in return! Truth is if they set out to be and are successful at becoming a friend - it takes a whole lot of effort on their part to even make me notice them any other way. Much less risk that friendship. The DemonD makes a good point. Starting as friends just isn't always a good recipe for finding romance. It seems to normally work the other way around. Go for the romance and if that doesn't work - then it's time to see about friends. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Why is it necessary? Posted: 8/23/2009 9:17:17 PM
Cuz some guys are d!cks and they're sending you pictures of their inner self! The stalking that follows only serves to point out how big of a d!ck they really are! Block em, report em, and hope it doesn't happen too often - we aren't all that immature! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

online dating success stories Posted: 8/23/2009 2:23:15 PM
All I seem to hear is the downside of online dating That's because everyone can **** louder than they purr! Depends on your definition of success. I've known several who managed to get past the initial meets and dating that started from here or other sites who went on to form relationships of one sort or another. Much like people who meet in real life, many are great matches in the beginning but they often didn't work out over the long haul. Then again a few did work out for longer too. But as I've only been involved with the phenomena for about six years - I certainly can't claim to know anyone who met online and went on to form a truly long term relationship as a result either. The longest term relationship I know of personally led to a marriage and has lasted a bit over five years now. They even overcame long distance issues in the process. From the outside they seem as happy as most married couples ever do - I certainly don't see them splitting up anytime soon. I suppose no one could say they weren't a successful match. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Friendly True Enough Posted: 8/20/2009 8:01:29 PM
Are you sure you want advice? Or maybe just validation? Seems pretty simple! He rejected you. Now he seems to want to keep some form of relationship - maybe just friends - alive. You have to decide if the rejection was so shattering that you just can't do it or you have to get past the rejection and see what may be there! It's entirely up to you and a choice you have to make! Although I suspect you've already made it. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

The economy and dating Posted: 8/20/2009 5:02:46 PM
Welllll ... lets see: Nothing minus nothing = still nothing! So nope things haven't really changed! Seriously - since deciding single isn't such a bad thing - I've gotten a bit picky about who I'll date anyway. As I made those choices about four years ago, my dating patterns haven't really changed with the economy per se. If I meet someone who interests me - I'll try to date them ... end of story. Has nothing at all to do with the economy. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 42 (view)

Parental Critique at Our Age?? Posted: 8/19/2009 3:34:33 PM
To whoever said "I'd just smile and do it my way" Hear Hear! Mother, until the day she passed in 1998 tried to structure my life the same way she did before I left home at 16. We always got along best when I was 2000 miles away. I miss her sorely and wish she was still here to nag and cajole - but I do have to admit that I bacame an expert at saying "yes mom" with a smile and walking away to live my life the way I felt was best. Dad on the other hand only really gave three pieces of advice and then told me it was my life to screw up any way I chose. He said "always keep it clean", "always wear a raincoat", and "never give her your wallet"! Words to live by for certain :) The only parental critique I've gotten from dad lately was one of the best I could have gotten. After over thirty years of carefully not saying anything good about the life I chose, he now says despite my not living the life he foresaw - he is proud of the one I have lived. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 19 (view)

I think I met a NUT~ Posted: 8/19/2009 3:04:30 PM
OP: I think you solved the problem with the "have a good life" closer! If he keeps on - legal persuasions may be necessary though. I hear about guys like this far too often. Especially with online dating sites. It seems as though a lot of guys with emotional instabilities find these sites to be the perfect place to play their games. Sounds to me like ya had the bad luck to run into the kind of guy responsible for getting the tougher anti-stalking laws passed :-( Best o luck

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

What intimadates a man about a woman? Posted: 8/19/2009 2:43:58 PM
I think it all boils down to the fact that the "needy" women (and men) you refer to just have more experience at sucking their potential partner in! Not so much the fact that we are looking for someone we can dominate, control, fix, or rescue! Have you ever noticed how "together" and smart these kind of people always seem in the beginning? It's over time after they've captured you emotionally that the truth starts to come out. When it finally hits the point where you just can't stand it anymore - they usually bail and move on to the next victim. They never seem to go more than a week or so without a partner either! Bottom line - they're good at pretending to be something they aren't so we usuallly start out thinking we are dealing with a strong confident partner! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

Is this Real or Weird Posted: 8/18/2009 8:44:53 PM
I'm sure he "thinks" he's in love! May not actually be with you though. Most likely he's fallen in love with the image of you he built up through your online interactions. When you finally met - the reality was close enough not to change his attitude! So now he's professing that love. Which I know from similar experiences can feel pretty strange! My opinion (what I've seen before too) is that over the next few meetings and visits he will quite likely come to see the reality of you and it may well shatter those illusions he built up. End result is a drifting apart, sometimes with nasty accusations and emotional drama, that can be just as confusing as the idea of someone being in love so quickly is to you right now! Bottom line - while it could well be genuine - it could just as easily result from his emotional instability. As to normal? No way! Acceptable? Depends on your beliefs about love. Be very wary here - things could continue to go fantastically well or they could blow up very messily in a heartbeat! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

certainty that he/she is 'the one' Posted: 8/18/2009 8:18:44 AM
I spent much of my life chasing the fireworks. Poor decision on my part as open eyed appraisal would have served me better than getting absorbed in those bright energetic displays. I spent several more years giving sky high compatability a chance! I finally learned what it meant to have some truly close female friends. But the spark never caught, the fuse didn't light, and mostly I didn't even see a small splutter on the fireworks side. Never enough to get past friends. Now I look with wide open eyes when fireworks happen hoping to find the one who has what it takes to go beyond the bright explosive show of the beginning! It may be an impossible dream - but why settle for less at this point in my life? The only way I won't find it is if I stop looking! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Why are guys never satisfied with a good girl? Posted: 8/18/2009 6:43:08 AM
Simple answer OP - others have touched on it! The way we see ourselves isn't always the way others do! I'll also add this: When we really feel something - we have no need to run around looking for "better". Many, I'd even venture to say most of us are like that. When we don't feel something, no amount of trying to be what we seek will hold us with you for long. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

Theroomate Posted: 8/17/2009 9:47:56 AM
Only answer I can give is you need to decide if you can put up with the roomate. Is your "dude" really worth the hassle? If so then just be aware that it's a situation you can't change and deal with it! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Are there really fake profiles on here? Posted: 8/17/2009 9:23:26 AM
Yup - lots of fakes on here. Especially the prettier girls who e-mail the first 1000 guys on a generic search with their yahoo chat ID and then invite you to buy their private cam sessions! Also a whole lot of lying in the profiles and pictures that can range from twenty years out of date to photochopping their "worst" features away! So simple answer - yes there are lots of fakes! Your profile didn't "LOOK" fake to me. You might want to take off your FB id and only give it to those you want to chat with though. Some might see that as a red flag. Have fun in Indy - but be aware, there are parts of that town you don't want to get caught in after dark! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Is he interested or playing games? Posted: 8/17/2009 7:26:01 AM
^^^^^ What she said! Any guy who is feeling the attraction and chemistry for you that you describe feeling for him is not going to be hanging on POF all the time when he could be spending time with you! My opinion? He's got you on his stringer while fishing for a better catch! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

Breaking dates Posted: 8/17/2009 7:13:43 AM
Personally? I think you are just having a run of bad luck. It happens and I've always ascribed it to the flaky side of online dating. I'm not even interested in reasons or explanations any more. Nor should you be worrying about theirs! Bottom line is that for whatever reason - they felt that inconsiderate treatment was the appropriate choice! I really don't think any of us need to subject ourselves to that kind of treatment! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

need advice off men !! Posted: 8/11/2009 7:54:44 AM
Anybody notice the join date? Has this reallybeen going on for over six months ? I also notice the profile states OP is here for dating? How about the profession? Dancer? I think a look at the pics posted might narrow that down a bit! Only reason I'm not gonna treat this like the troll post I suspect it is - is for the sake of a possible child. Men have virtual romances for the same reasons they pay good money to watch dancers in a club! Something is missing in their home life. Trying to get it through texts and pics is usually only a first step! They may stay around for years and never stray in the real world or they may take the cybersex to real world sex tomorrow. This guy is going to be trouble in your life at some point! What to do about it is up to you. Just make sure that you make the best decision for the child because at this point it is more important than anything else! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

sick of the mind games... Posted: 8/11/2009 7:33:37 AM
You pretty much summed it up - he rejected you! If you don't have any other ties that make a friendship possible - he's only going to annoy you more as time goes by! Just let him know that he was offered more - turned it down - but was never offered the option to be your girlfriend who just happens to have a penis! If that doesn't get the message across, be blunt! Tell him he needs to go away unless he's offering something both of you want! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Need a guys opinion Posted: 8/11/2009 7:19:52 AM
I live in a small apartment close to a noisy manufacturing plant myself. Not to mention that with the economy down I can't afford the housekeeper any more - so I certainly wouldn't consider my place the ideal entertaining venue most days :) Having said that - it doesn't take long to make sure the mess is at least hidden away and that the embarrasment would be minimal if I were to bring a date back here. If she can stand the noise - I have no reason not to let her! So while I might be OK with someone seeing the place, I might also be reluctant to bring them back here too. OP, I don't think your anwer is in the details of what he is saying about his place but in the way he is giving his reasons to you. There is obviously something you are uncomfortable with so the simple answer is force his hand! Let him know you can't have a serious relationship with someone who has to hide how they live. You will at least get your answer that way! Although you have to face the possibilty that you may not like the answer you get! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 71 (view)

Should men be bolder in dating, sex and relationships? Posted: 8/11/2009 5:33:24 AM
No this from experience? Didn't know civil law was part of the patent clerks education. Actually I couldn't tell you if it is part of a patent clerks education! But considering Einstein was once a patent clerk I wouldn't be too surprised to find it could be :) I have not always been nor will I always be a patent draftsman either. Draftsman, not clerk - there is a difference there too - one that might make me appear even more ignorant since we're making assumptioms about my education! Most of my knowledge does come from experience - just not the kind you insinuate! Extensive management experience to be exact. In manufacturing, technology, and sales to be even more specific. Might I possibly know something about the issues now? I could go on to iterate how I came by my information on stalking without having to have stalked anyone also but that isn't truly the point! I don't claim to be a lawyer or to be giving legal advice. My information is good for at least four states and from what I understand differs only in details in most others. But this isn't about points of law! Or even about statistics and horror stories. It's about not blaming perceived issues with meeting women on unjustified fear of punishment under those laws. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 69 (view)

Should men be bolder in dating, sex and relationships? Posted: 8/11/2009 3:53:13 AM
Sigmund Freud wrote: "If men knew how women really think, they'd be ten times bolder". Modern dating gurus often tell men to stop being wussy and act more like traditional men. This means, for instance, complimenting women sparsely and taking control of dates, sex and relationships. It means eschewing "dinner and movie" type dates for less expensive, more offbeat and potentially sexier dates. OP: Since you are paraphrasing something we can all read on the logout page for POF it sounds like you are really asking if DeAngelos "Double Your Dating" tactics actually work Simple answer is they do and they don't! The women who can be manipulated (and that's what it is) by those techniques generally aren't worth being with for more than a night or two! Not to mention that if you base your whole approach to meeting women around techniques with an end goal of sex - you are gonna be lost when you try to hang on to the one you finally meet who you want to have more with! Like many of the ladies have said, boldness, confidence and a strong sense of self assurance will get you further with them than any amount of insecure, emo, actions will! Unfortunately - you don't develop it overnight. When you try to fake it - they can tell. Sort your own life out. Become happy and strong in your own skin, and then try to meet the lady you want to spend your life with. The bold confidence will come with experience and it will show through without you ever having to think about it or having to lay plans or play games to demonstrate it! Those who list current law as an obstacle to leading a bold, confident life style? Grow up! Stalking cases are built on a PATTERN of offenses not a single incident or misunderstanding! Has someone been watching too many movies? Most workplace harrassment suits involve one of two things. Either the lady was actually being harrassed (possibly unintentionally) ie. honestly felt intimidated or that her job was in danger if she didn't submit to the situation. Or they are brought to court by pathetic losers who know they can make a few bucks because most companies get out of it cheaper by settling rather than defending the suit. Simple answer for either of these is to just stop being afraid! Don't crap where ya work and meet your women elsewhere is a good solution for the one! Don't let yourself engage in any behaviors that are stalking under current law and you'll never have to worry about the other. Above all find out how the law actually works before letting it rule your life! Cheers all

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

First message good, then no second message?? Posted: 8/11/2009 2:58:36 AM
My experience is that if they start ignoring your messages - it's a trend that doesn't change. If you persist - they may even get annoyed and block you - or they may finally answer back. Hard to say. I've even had a few eventually write back on their own but that is very rare. My opinion - they've usually found someone they are more interested in talking to and left us in the dust. On the whole - I just move on myself these days Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 85 (view)

Robbed by Another Fish from this Pond! Posted: 8/11/2009 2:53:09 AM
Sorry to hear it happened to you OP. You aren't alone as many others have written. It's not always a first date/meeting when it happens either! Even us guys have it happen and sometimes without ever letting them into our homes! My all time favorite is the girl I met (from here) who I picked up and drove to Starbucks as her car was "broken" at the time. This woman, on deciding we weren't that much of a match, excused herself to use the ladies and just dissapeared. It turns out she went outside and stole my toll change (about twenty bucks) from the car before vanishing for good! My fault for not locking and letting her see where it could be found - but so funny that anyone could be that desperate! Do I need to run the plates of every man I meet from here on in to see if his word is worth anything? Or is the quality and moral values on this site going downhill so fast I should leave while I still have my bankcard in my possession? My advice to all the ladies who don't already do it is to get a full name and go down to the local courthouse and at least do a local search for wants and warrants. Most counties I know of have either a free or inexpensive way to do this. But you do have to go down there. Not sure about north of the border but if something like that is available - definitely take advantage of it. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

Can long distance relationships work? Posted: 8/11/2009 2:19:08 AM
I actually know two couples who survived LDR's and went on to marriage! Five years down the line for one and three for the other, they seem to be as happy from the outside as any marriage ever does! I certainly don't recall them having all the negative issues everyone else is describing in this thread. One started as what I would call weekend drive distance (about 200 miles) and in the other she was here in Evansville and he was on the west coast. The key to their success seems to have been that they faced and planned for the fact that one of them would have to move from very early on. The other seems to have been that they were all financially stable enough to afford the frequent trips needed and made their priorities being with each other every chance they could instead of living their own lives and only seeing each other when convenient. It wasn't cheap, it drfinitely wasn't easy, but they put in the effort and reaped the reward. So OP: If you like this guy - no reason not to accept the ticket unless you feel it is just a matter of him buying sex with a currency other than cash. A few tips: Make sure one of you is willing to move before you go very far down this path. This involves not just the move but facing things like a career change in an uncertain economy and disposal of existing assets for one of you at least. Make absolutely certain you are emotionally stable enough not to give in to the paranoia and suspicions that can come along when your BF is miles and miles away. The few LDR's I tried ended more for these kind of problems than anything - some women (and men) just can't accept that when the cat's away - the mice don't always play! Keep your eyes open and communicate honestly. If you aren't absolutely satisfied with what you are getting - end it before you do have a horror story to tell! Hope this helps! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Free time vs dating time Posted: 8/10/2009 5:21:18 PM
Seems to me that all of that long post adds up to one thing - he cares more about his "I" time than he does about your "we" time! Some of us do get set in our ways about this time in our life! I have to admit that I've even been known to prefer time spent on things I enjoy over time spent dating more often these days. But if I'm really interested? Give me the "we" time anyday! Your guy obviously doesn't have that attitude. You are like a tool he wants available when he needs it but when he doesn't - he wants you ready and waiting in your "proper spot". That doesn't describe long term single having trouble getting back to couples mode. That just describes plain selfish! The decision to continue letting him treat you like this is, as always, entirely yours if you choose to make it. My own opinion? You can do better! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 154 (view)

Ever been asked,Why aren't you married? Posted: 8/10/2009 12:14:10 PM
No my women friends that are married tell me that they envy me and my life.. Come to think of it my guy friends tell me the same thing - maybe it's a gender bias kind of thing! Guys just don't make good match makers. Their wives sure do make it a mission to hook me up and settle me down though! Maybe it's a self defense mechanism? If I'm married and stable I won't be giving their hubbies any ideas about greener grass Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Do I have to call him first? Posted: 8/10/2009 11:24:17 AM
Let's see if I'm understanding this. You met. You had a good time - we don't know about him. He didn't ask for your number. He hasn't messaged back since. Now you are agonizing over whether or not to message him? short simple answer - he's not interested! At least not enough to message to take things further. You can message him or not - I'm not always right. If you do decide to message, be prepared for a no response or even an actual reply declaring his lack of interest! I do know that most of us guys won't shut down communication with someone we've met in the world and do like though! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Is this man a player or what? Posted: 8/10/2009 11:07:44 AM
As others have said - doesn't sound like a player but does sound not interested. Let it go and move on! I'll also say this though - when I first came on here - my son was sixteen and still at home. He was well aware I was dating again but no one came home with me until there had been enough dates for me to be sure she wouldn't have a negative effect on him. Two dates? I don't know what kind of deep solid relationship you thought you had - but I suspect it was more in your mind than his! You sound like many on here who make a common mistake - investing too much emotion on words and writings before finding out if there's any real interest between the two of ya in the world! Again, whatever the whole situation may have been, be thankful it broke apart early rather than later and chalk it up to the foibles of online dating and move on. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Hierarchy of communication... Posted: 8/10/2009 10:23:49 AM
Order of preference for communication? 1. Face to Face. All the communication side channels are in play, facial expression, body language, voice tone, and etc. and it so much simpler to achieve real understanding when it is possible at all. We also get a good idea of when we aren't actually communicating too. 2. Phone. We at least get feedback like voice tone and speech patterns and can get some sense of wether we are actually communicating or not. I don't mind using it but tend to make very sure I haven't called at an inopportune time before spending any time on a conversation. 3. e-mail. I can formulate and present complex ideas due to the serial nature of the media but I find it awkward for actually conversing. I do find that it is far too easy to read what we want or expect to see into written messages. We also have little feed back on emotional properties behind the message and often make major misinterpretations which can sometimes change something as innocent as a humorous comment to a deadly insult. 4. text. Good for setting times for meets, establishing if someone is free to talk but not much more than that. Even with the best full keyboard models it can be awkward to use and is subject to all the misinterpretations e-mail can be unless kept really simple and brief. Bottom line OP: I'll use any or all but find that the good old fashioned face to face sitdown is best if you really want to hold a meaningful conversation. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 151 (view)

Ever been asked,Why aren't you married? Posted: 8/10/2009 9:50:45 AM
It's kinda obvious this question gets asked a lot! I think most of my smartass, sarcastic, cute, and even dead serious answers have been covered so I'll skip them. I do have another question to add though. Have any of you noticed how at some point those asking, usually your married friends, make it their mission in life to find you that perfect partner? Any good matchmaker stories out there? Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

Putting the Cart before the horse Posted: 8/8/2009 8:11:11 AM
I for one think that the endless emails serve to smehow validate how "desired/desireable" these people (men AND women) are; given the annonymity that POF provides they can continue the endless emails to stroke their own egos without ever really having to put themselves out there for real rejection. Don't know about the validation part but I do know far too many on here seem to be here just to pretend they have a dating life! It's safe other than the occasional offensive message. They have control of the "relationship". And the option to end can be as simple as no longer responding or blocking whoever you don't wish to hear from anymore. So yes - I'll do a certain amount of "getting to know ya" on here before making a move but I won't be strung along for months only to find that they already have everything they need from the messaging system! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Putting the Cart before the horse Posted: 8/8/2009 3:37:19 AM
if you email without personal information they think you are hiding something - if you do email personal information you are rushing them. If you email not frequently enough than you are not really interested - if you email too frequently you are being pushy; and last but not least - if you email wanting to know about heir past you are too nosey and if you do not email about their past you will be emailing back and forth forever. This would be funny if it weren't so very true on here! Op: Yes that guy was a little strange to say the least. Don't blame ya for blocking him. The truth is though that with so many on here just wanting endless rounds of e-mail us guys have to make some kind of move! If nothing else to eliminate them as not being seriously inclined to date! Although I'd like to think most of us could handle it better than what you describe! I like to think I'm not clueless but I do stick with what I learned out in the world about dating. Get acquanted, get the number, set a meet, and proceed from there. This can go quickly at times. If she berates me for "rushing" I'll tell her fine - when you feel comfortable with the idea, let me know. Nine times out of ten those are the ones that drift away after a few more e-mails which sends me the same message a woman out in RW would by declining to exchange numbers - she isn't interested, on here it could be either in me or in dating in the real world - it doesn't matter which, so it's time to move on to someone who is! Like I said - what that guy did was rather ignorant but it does fit with what a lot of guys in our age group learned about dating when younger. A lot of us who may seem to push too hard are just doing things the way we learned even though they may not be the best fit for dating on this online media. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 49 (view)

Did you really give it your all? Posted: 8/8/2009 3:05:27 AM
My two marriages - yes I gave it my all. But I can't really say I have the horror stories to tell some do either. One I chose to end and the other I was left behind. Being left behind hurt at the time and lost me some things I would rather have kept but I have always blamed that on my own unrealistic expectations - not my ex per se. The one I left was due to her unstated belief that I would never have custody of my son - she didn't want kids. The problem was that she didn't say that until it was time for him to come live with us! There isn't a whole lot of trying you can put in when faced with a basic attitude like that! Not if you're a parent at least. Luckily both marriages were short term and we all came through with the minimal amount of drama and pain. Despite having no reason to - we even stay in touch and remain friendly so as I said before - I just don't have the horror stories some can tell of. The place I should have worked harder was prior to the marriages! A little more open eyed apraisal and a little less infatuation and I might just be able to claim single status on here today instead of divorced. My longest term SO, I have to admit I stopped trying. We spent over ten years together with me mostly buried in work for the last three of them to avoid the problems I didn't have the strength to deal with any more. I finally left. At the time I blamed all of it on her. I've since learned that there were other things I could have tried. Treatment options for the base causes of her behaviors that we never explored. Perhaps just forcing myself to deal with the issues instead of avoiding them could have helped. I'll never know because I gave up! So yes OP, I have come to realize I COULD have played a greater part in saving a relationship than I would have admitted at the time. But at what cost? And were the possible rewards of saving it worth the cost of trying harder? I have no answers there beyond a simple belief that maybe some things just aren't meant to be! Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Moved away. Posted: 8/8/2009 2:10:43 AM
Finally - a voice of reason Ask him if you should try to look for jobs near his new destination. That should give you a very clear answer. Only real problem with long distance is that someone eventually has to move. Otherwise it's just a long distance FWB relationship! Two questions you really have to ask yourself. Are you willing to move? And, do you have enough feeling for him to put your life on hold while waiting to be together? If the answer is yes - ask him the question posed in the quote. If any of the answers aren't an emphatic YES, move on - it will fall apart anyway. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

how many guys open doors? Posted: 8/8/2009 1:51:27 AM
Always have - probably always will. Although some of the more rabid feminists out there have let me know, a few quite publicly and vocally, they see it as condescending towards them. I also either pull the chair or stand until the woman is seated, offer to help with ordering if she's unfamiliar with the menu, and "GASP" pay for dates I initiate without whining about expense! Most of my friends have the same attitudes and I even raised my son (about your age) to behave the same. Although my son tells me it's not nearly as common in your age group, polite, gentlemanly behavior is still alive for some. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Don't know.... Posted: 8/8/2009 1:31:45 AM
Cutie, Many of us have seen patterns of behavior on here that indicate a woman (or for you gals, a man) just isn't willing or ready to move a potential relationship into the real world. If someone is here to really meet someone to date - they aren't going to want to have a long term keyboard romance unless there are distance issues. Why wait months for the possibility of a meeting to materialize if you are both local after all? To me, and many others, when someone local doesn't want to meet within a reasonable amount of time it says they either aren't interested enough in us to take the chance or they aren't really interested in anything beyond e-buddies! Neither of those options appeal to those of us who are actually here to meet someone. When we see those patterns - we cool it down and often move on to someone who is willing to get out in the real world with us. Despite the fact that you have had problems in the past (and I don't mean to downplay the problems -what you have described is plain wrong) what you have shown the man you're asking about is that you aren't ready! He may still be interested but unless you are willing to move into the real world, he probably is moving on. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Is not calling back an acceptable way to end a relationship? Posted: 8/7/2009 11:31:51 AM
If you're dating someone for three or more months, would you think it was acceptable to stop calling someone without any explaination? At what point in a relationship should a breakup be in person? My point of view? It's never acceptable to just walk away without an explanation. Even if it's after the first date. Three or more months? At least send an e-mail saying if nothing else, I CAN'T STAND YOU ANYMORE AND DON'T WANT YOU AROUND! A message in their voice mail. A note on a brick through their window! Something! Whatever it takes to get the point across. Well - I guess we should be nicer than some of those but seriously - never just walk away. As to when it should be in person? Depends on the people involved. As someone else mentioned, there are some out there who won't let go, love to cause drama, and some who it might be physically dangerous to ya if you do it in person! Especially for you ladies. Safety first and then worry about what is socially acceptable. Being a bit old fashioned - I prefer to do any kind of breakup in person but there are no rules on this kind of stuff. Cheers

rheard

Joined: 9/8/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

I dated a guy off Fish for 4 weeks, Posted: 8/7/2009 11:13:00 AM
There was another thread about this general behavior not too long ago. Seems it was in the over 45 forum you might want to search it out. It seems to be pretty common in both the guys and gals on this site. It's just another variation of the old "It's not you ... it's me" phenomena that people use to justify walking away when they don't have any good reason other than they are done! Like others have said - it doesn't matter what his real reasons were, consider yourself lucky it happened so quickly and move on. Cheers

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