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 Author Thread: I don't kiss on the first date
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
I don't kiss on the first date
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:45:02 PM
Disrespected by a kiss on the cheek?

I think I wouldn't bother dating your friend.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
why we might not want to say I MISS YOU
Posted: 1/29/2009 7:18:55 PM
I stopped after "we are negatively going backwards and not forwards"

Why is "going" backwards (more accurately termed "reflecting") a negative? Reflection is a very positive force.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Emailing
Posted: 1/14/2009 11:05:18 AM
Clearly you've never been to a bar or club.

There's a reason they have Ladies Nights but not Guys Nights, and it's not chivalry.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Emailing
Posted: 1/14/2009 9:53:51 AM
Read the ladies' profile and ask her about her interests. Does she cook, travel, paper maché? Ask her about one of her hobbies. Don't do the "you sure are pretty" wrap. Take yourself away from the pack.


In my experience, and this is JUST my experience, the above quote should be your first couple emails. You start the conversation with something that is interesting to her, and hopefully you.

After that, if a conversation doesn't just flow from something that has already been brought up and you are pretty much stuck at an awkward pause, I move into just dropping an email that talks about something that happened recently that caused me to stop and think about for a bit or something I'm generally interested in even though it has little or nothing to do with anything we've spoken of before. For instance, I commute via public transportation sometimes and one of these emails I sent was talking about a certain guy on the ride who caught my attention and why he caught my attention and what I started thinking about because of him.

Now this had nothing to do with anything that we had spoken about previously but it was sharing a little piece of my day with her and she responded well to it and the conversation was a little more personal then just talking about a random pop culture topic that neither one of us particularly cared too much about. It also had the added benefit of opening her up to just start talking about something about her life that I wouldn't otherwise have known about and so was a subject I didn't have to bring into the conversation. You can also do this with just something that is of interest to you in general. The point I guess is that you've already started a conversation and she has reciprocated, so there is clearly some degree of interest in each other, now it's time to move to bringing things into a more personal dynamic. Sharing rather than just chatting. Becoming friends rather than acquaintances.

Of course, there are people who move faster or who shift away from emails quickly so this doesn't happen with everyone I meet from here. This is mainly for those who like to establish things through email for a while before moving to other things.

Overall though, I think you are doing the right thing in reflecting on how you go about this form of getting to know someone. It is truly different from other ways of meeting and we shouldn't expect to do it really well right off the bat. There are plenty of areas that I struggle with in this but I'm finding that as I go I get further and further before hitting a situation I don't really know how to react to. Good luck.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 271 (view)
 
Never using punishments: tell your story?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:06:08 AM
So I am about to "let" my son experience the mother of all natural consequences for a 14 year old....he is about to fail one course. He is in grade 9 and had mono, missing quite a lot of school. Since he is on semester, he takes 4 courses from Sept to Jan. His marks in the other 3 are above average but Art is not looking good for him. He has given up. He is frustrated and has already thrown in the towel on Art and resigned himself to having to take a course this summer to pick up another credit for the Art course.

I could yell and scream at him...I could take away all his privileges, stand over him and force him to complete the work but that is not how I parent. His computer has been in the repair shop for the past two weeks so there is not much more I could take from him anyway.

We have talked about how he feels and I know he feels overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the work he would have to complete to get a passing grade. I know he feels that no matter what he does, he is doomed to fail the course. He has told me that he cannot find the motivation to do Art anymore. In his eyes, there is no solution. I've offered up a few of my own solutions for his consideration and he shoots them down.

So at this point, I have accepted that he will indeed fail Art. Since he is prepared to take a summer course to make up the credit, he is aware of and is willing to accept the consequence.


In eighth grade, junior high school here, I had a surgery mid-year. I was supposed to be able to return to school shortly after but there were complications and I missed something like 2 months of school. When I got back I had teachers who had to be forced to give me the opportunity to catch up because they didn't think I would be able to handle the past work while keeping up with what was being taught presently. One teacher even suggested I drop out of school for the rest of the year and come back next year. It was incredibly tough to get through all the missed work and concepts essentially on my own, especially in the foreign language class I had that year.

The hardest was the Accounting class I had which I simply couldn't get done by myself. The class work was essentially one companies logs that built upon itself each day and was on-going from day one to the last day of class. There was an incredible amount of entries to log and reports to comprise. I simply wasn't going to be able to get it all completed while learning what I was supposed to do at the same time. My sister, who later got an accounting degree maybe somewhat because of this event, ended up spending 48 hours straight helping me get through this giant chunk of it. We sat in the dinning room with all these bank sheets, log book pages, and text books spread out around us.

Two straight days without any real break she worked on those assignments with me. I was very fortunate and she was incredibly caring to help me like that. I took a lot of pride in having been able to catch up and do well in my classes that year. I don't think I would have been better off giving up and making up the credits in the summer.

Whatever happens with your son, I hope it all works out positively in the end.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Dating Identical Twins
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:48:31 AM
Yeah, if it doesn't matter then why would you choose?

Of course I don't know that asking guys this question is the best course of action seeing as it's a common guy fantasy to ... well you know ... twins.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
This ruined my day,,,,,,,
Posted: 1/7/2009 5:22:19 PM
Don't ever let the opinion of a total stranger ruin your day. No matter what happens to come out of their mouth.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Why So Long????
Posted: 1/7/2009 2:07:55 PM
I can get over eager with some. Particularly if I find myself attracted to someone outside my usual range of attraction. Sort of a curiosity that kills the cat situation. When that happens, I've found sending them an email where I'm really just thinking out loud about a subject I happened to come across recently or an interesting part of my day. It seems to fulfill my need to say something while not freaking them out or appearing over eager. I think it's also a nice change of pace from the typical question - answer/ initiate - respond format of email conversation. Sort of sharing a little piece of my day or my thoughts without requiring any input or putting any extra pressure on the person. I've gotten good results and they feel good to write.

Of course I've also made missteps where I think I've looked a bit like a spaz. That happens. Good topic OP.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
How Would You React To Someone Spitting In Your Face UN Expectedly While You Are Having Sex?
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:19:07 PM
Unexpectedly is not cool. You've got to prepare people for your freakiness.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Being in The Right League
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:03:28 PM
League's are for sports and nations, find the best person you can.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
what is wrong with my profile
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:01:30 PM
If people aren't talking to you, talk to them.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 11:30:41 AM
People can change. If it were not so, life would be more easy to predict.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Average and no chemistry
Posted: 1/6/2009 6:49:52 AM
Maybe he was being honest when asked a straight forward question. Perhaps the OP seems decent enough but he hasn't really felt anything particularly special yet. Perhaps he enjoys the time spent with the OP and doesn't see a reason to not enjoy times together in the future.

If I have a good time with someone, I don't really see a need not to have another good time with them in the future just because she sees more in me then I do in her. It's no crime to be interested in more than one person when you aren't dating someone exclusively. And who knows if he even has a clue the OP sees more in him then he sees in the OP. She didn't seem to know he didn't feel the chemistry she felt.

As far as I can tell, we don't have the exact words he used or the context of the conversation. Saying something like, "she's your average girl but I haven't really felt anything so far" is a lot different from saying, "she's only average and we have zero chemistry" both of which could be what he said from what I've read so far.

I also think generalizing about the guy because he's a body builder is a bad idea. Maybe he reads Kierkegaard and saves impoverished children between lat presses.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 102 (view)
 
money inside her bra
Posted: 1/5/2009 11:36:26 AM

And yes, I have been known to stick money in there too and have even forgot it was their until I went to take it off, lol.


I don't typically like the behavior but I found a woman's stash of cash that way once. It was pretty funny and it certainly didn't put a halt to the moment.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Hot vs Cute
Posted: 1/5/2009 11:05:30 AM
The way I use the terms is:

Hot = someone I'm blown away (be it solely physically or otherwise)

Cute = attractive but not overpoweringly so

There is an initial category people fall into upon first meeting but with time people can change between categories.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Why do men say they like a strong independent woman....
Posted: 1/5/2009 10:38:53 AM
Same reason women say they want to date a nice guy and then date the guy who treats then poorly.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
So let me get this right?
Posted: 1/5/2009 10:12:24 AM
This is correct for guys who hunt. It does not apply to guys who are hunted.

It's pretty logical. When you are looking for someone you keep your options open, follow all leads. When many people actively seek you out, you have enough options. You don't need to make loaves out of bread crumbs.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Profile Review Please
Posted: 12/30/2008 7:30:51 PM
On the picture issue ...

Just rotate what you have as your main picture. Change it every once in a while. Everyone has different tastes and switching up what you put as the main picture catches different people's eyes.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Hobbies
Posted: 12/28/2008 11:40:49 PM
Volunteer with kids. I've never met a date there but I've never felt my time was wasted in doing it. I volunteer most Fridays with a during- and after-school writing program. It helps kids become interested (or follow their interest) in creative writing as well as just generally helping with school work and home work.

As for the "don't do it for the wrong reasons" comment, in general I think doing it for any reason is better than not doing it at all.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Profile Review Please
Posted: 12/28/2008 10:57:45 PM
I'm a guy so maybe I'm not the best person to reply but you might try adding some things that convey something about yourself rather than just things that generally apply to you.

For instance, "I like to go to the movies" is something that applies to you but doesn't really explain anything about yourself. "I like to catch a good mystery movie whenever I can as I'm the kind of person that likes to solve the mystery before I'm told the answer" says something about yourself.

Most people like and dislike their job. What is it about your job that you like/dislike? Those are the things that will tell a complete stranger a little about yourself and maybe something they can relate to.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
KNEW this would happen
Posted: 12/28/2008 10:28:54 PM
He's 39. Maybe it took him that long to remember where he left his phone.

 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Generic profiles
Posted: 12/28/2008 10:20:57 PM

OP~ newsflash. This certainly is not gender specific.


"I don't know what to say in these things"
"I'm very busy"
"I like going out but also staying in"
"I'm a sports fan" (<--- obvious pander)
"I'm very driven"
"No mind games"
"I'm tired of x"
"I like to laugh" (there are people who don't like to laugh?)

Just pick the order.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Can a guy be addicted to pleasing himself
Posted: 12/28/2008 10:15:33 PM

How can a man fake that???


The "simpleness" of men is overly exaggerated. Men can ejaculate without reaching orgasm. It's biologically efficient to be able to ejaculate easily. It's not biologically necessary to orgasm at all.

As for the OP. You call it your vagayjay?
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
A worried single parent
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:59:50 AM
Writing them letters is a great idea. My daughter (5) LOVES to get mail. It makes her feel so proud and grown up.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
How much of a role will race play?
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:55:25 AM
You both sound like people who take the time to consider a matter rather than jumping in without looking. If you to do form a relationship, your differing races will most likely be an issue (if not with each other than at least with others unfortunately) the length of your time together. It sounds like the matter is already being thought about by both of you, privately. I don't think bringing it out into the open would be a negative.

Btw, have you ever dated interracially? If so, you experience might be a help to him. If not, it's a commonality you both share.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Welfare
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:32:48 AM
I think the OP's question misconstrues the subject that is the title of this thread.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
An inspired thread from Welfare
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:30:01 AM
Help everyone as much as you can. Let the world work out the "justice" of things.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 156 (view)
 
Why do tall big men want tiny women ?
Posted: 12/17/2008 7:02:18 AM
Physical differences can be fun in a relationship. Not just the obvious ones, either.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Philosophy and psychology: How to find the answers
Posted: 12/16/2008 5:43:55 PM
I've only skimmed the thread but I haven't seen much hard core existentialism suggested as far as Philosophy.

Sarte, Camus, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Tillich, Heidegger, or even more authorial types like Kafka or Dostoevsky. Each has their own particular interests but all of them tackle the idea of the person as existing in the world.

I happen to be currently reading Camus who discusses the possible worth of life even without a God or higher purpose then simply existing.


<div class="quote">Philosophy is the study of ethics, metaphysics, truth and reasoning or logic.

That's a terribly limited definition of Philosophy.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
ideas from romantic, metrosexual or adventurous men?
Posted: 12/16/2008 3:56:52 PM
I think Kayliecat has it right. You've basically said that as far as masculinity and femininity, you and your fiance have opposite roles than what is typically expected. If I was looking for a romantic idea my significant other, I wouldn't ask a bunch of guys, I'd ask a bunch of women. I'd expect you'd get better answers if you ask women for a romantic idea for their man.

At the very least, you'll probably get less defensive responses than you seemed to get here.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Do guys give up if they just want sex?
Posted: 12/16/2008 3:48:10 PM

maybe guys just chat to me because they are just being polite, dosn't really fancy me


This is really more a characteristic of some women. I can't recall ever hearing a story in which a guy talks about a woman getting the wrong idea from him being nice.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
met her whole family on first date!!??
Posted: 12/16/2008 7:19:04 AM
^ Not sure if it is intended, but that sounds like you are saying the guy did something wrong.

IMO, that's a pretty weird first "date" for her to pick and if I found myself in a room full of people I didn't know who were all related to a woman I hadn't even really met yet I'd talk to whoever I clicked with at the party. She was the one surrounded by people she knew. I would think it was more her obligation to make him feel comfortable rather than his obligation to wade through the mass of strangers to the one person he's spoken to a few times. If she wanted more one-on-one time maybe pick an environment a little more private.

As to what OP should do.Cowboy is on point. Call her if you are still interested. Even if she thinks you did screw up somehow, women usually give you plenty of chances if you are sweet enough.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Asking for mobile? What do you think guys?
Posted: 12/15/2008 5:10:06 AM
If he's checking you out he'll be fine with getting asked for his number (unless he happens to be in a relationship, which happens) and I would imagine that exchanging numbers would lead to that "proper conversation".
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 106 (view)
 
Between Genius and Insanity
Posted: 12/14/2008 6:51:24 PM
I can play this game.

Sanity is the delusion of the rational.

Learning = Knowledge/Time
Genius is when Knowledge /Time > 1
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Discovered: Cosmic Rays from a Mysterious, Nearby Object
Posted: 12/13/2008 7:59:59 PM
When do I get to turn into the Silver Surfer, that's the only real question here?
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 170 (view)
 
I said NO to sex on the first date...what do you think?
Posted: 12/12/2008 11:38:35 AM

I hope that since 2005 you have managed to have sex.


+10 points for awareness.

I assume this thread was made to get attention since someone with enough strength to make a unique stand knows why they did it.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
My bit on time
Posted: 12/12/2008 8:13:09 AM
I don't know if it makes perfect sense, but reading it (the paper that describes the theory, not the article that outlines the paper) leads me to thinking about position and the relativistic nature of typical units of measure for location and indeed most other things I can think of off the top of my head.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
How do you start talking to a girl across the room in a bar and not sound dum
Posted: 12/11/2008 12:10:21 PM
Compliments are wasted as opening lines IMO. You don't know anything about the person and they don't know anything about you and so your compliment isn't saying anything meaningful. I like to compliment something they talk about or an idea they convey (assuming there is something to compliment which there almost always is) during the first couple minutes of a conversation. That's what seems to work for me anyway.

Also, the drink thing usually works better after you've started talking in my experience. Again, I don't use it as an opener.

I'm more in line with DJChikie. Find something about the bar, or the area, or the time of year to use as an opening for a conversation. You can use it again, or the whole night, if you strike out on your first choice.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Always late
Posted: 12/11/2008 11:53:44 AM
Yeah, way to go. Sounds like you are doing some really good things with the situation.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Swagger Factor
Posted: 12/11/2008 6:31:45 AM
Throughout our relationship, my ex-wife often brought up the confidence and smooth way I introduced myself the first time we met. She even mimicked it at times in a joking way. I assure you it was simple dumb luck and not a planned approach on my part. Since becoming single again, I've tried to make sure I am feeling confident when I approach someone for a first encounter.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 49 (view)
 
being gay - genetic or social
Posted: 12/10/2008 8:33:04 PM

I find this entire thread to be offensive to human dignity.

It is incredible that in 2008 people are making an issue of homosexuality!

Of what possible relevance or benefit is there in even considering such idiotic questions?

I am disappointed that this is considered a legitimate subject for debate here at POF.


You'd prefer we talk about censorship, perhaps?
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Always late
Posted: 12/10/2008 1:19:23 PM
My ex is almost constantly late when she has our daughter, she's just commented about this herself recently, and I rarely have trouble with being on time with my daughter (and when I do it's usually because of something I am doing or I allow to happen). The only thing I have to add really is that there are many things involved with getting ready to leave but only some of them are more important than being on time. I've left without my daughter having finished "getting ready" before because she had plenty of time originally, but that time ran out.

Being on time for work is important and I think it's good you are looking for ways to make sure you are there on time. Good luck.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
being gay - genetic or social
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:28:52 AM
You know, there is published science on this issue. So far it says that like with most complex human social behaviors, who we want to have sex with isn't strictly determined by our genes. It also says that just like anything else humans do or are, our genes do play some role in it even if not a precisely deterministic role.

If interested you might start (but it's just a start and in no way a summary of all available resources) with these two links:

The studies Wikipedia cites say its not predominantly biological nor can you rule out genetics as being involved in the matter.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation

The American Psychological Association says it's not simply genetic but also not a simple matter of choice either.
http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=31

Personally, I think casting the issue as a Nurture vs Nature debate is a false dilemma and that Science is turning away from thinking of most human social actions in that way since there aren't many social actions that humans take that don't involve both who we are and the world we find ourselves in.

I also think that the idea that "no one would choose to be gay" is pretty insulting to either homosexuals or the idea of love (depending on what exactly you mean by the phrase), though I realize it's an unintentional insult. But it's also a pretty bad argument even if you discard the implied insult within it as plenty of people choose behavior that others, or even they themselves, see as harmful or just negative and leave themselves open to ridicule, oppression, and even physical danger from society.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Thoughts that work and thoughts that don't.
Posted: 12/9/2008 5:41:12 AM
Can you explain a little bit more about thoughts you are "aware" of and thoughts you are "unaware" of?
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 617 (view)
 
Why do Babes dig ugly guys?
Posted: 12/8/2008 9:11:48 AM
I would guess that this pretty woman is digs this ugly guy is because at one point he asked her out and so far she's had a good time.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 228 (view)
 
Ever have a crush on a cartoon?
Posted: 11/30/2008 9:26:51 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v235/nman1/Harlequin/harle1.jpg

Never could get enough of her.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Do I look bad for not collecting child support?
Posted: 11/26/2008 10:01:10 AM
My ex and I have a good relationship and it's still extremely hard sometimes. Money isn't the most important thing in the world. Your decision seems like a fine one IMO.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
New here, and dealing with depression
Posted: 11/26/2008 7:34:32 AM

I should probably go talk to a professional but honestly, I don't even have time for that. I need at least another 4 hours in every day to get everything done, and as it is I'm only getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night so the constant fatigue is not helping things either.


If you have health insurance there is a good chance it covers a number of mental health visits where you'd only have to pay a co-pay. And as a professor I used to have liked to say, taking extra time in the beginning saves more time in the end. Part of why you feel like you don't have time could be that your mood ends up draining a lot of extra time out of your day. Things take longer to do then they should, transitioning from activity to activity doesn't go as swiftly or efficiently, opportunities for saving time or relieving some of the workload are missed or rejected out of depression or poor self-esteem.

Many psychiatrists/psychologists offer help with what are commonly call, "life transitions" which have a lot to do with coping with the new world you find yourself in, but also with the changes in self-identity that we go through with those life changes. How we think about ourselves changes as our roles in life change and our situation changes, and talking with someone can help us reach healthy and more stable ideas about ourselves less painfully and more quickly then trying to work it out alone.

Most importantly, if you do go that route don't think poorly of yourself for it (though in my experience men have more of an issue with that then women). Looking for ways to help yourself is not only "not wrong", its the smarter thing to do. There are plenty of struggles in life that we can't get help from others with, there is no point to making one's we can get help with into lonely toils as well.
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Do you tell adult kids the real deal about the divorce?
Posted: 11/26/2008 7:18:48 AM
I wouldn't hide it if my daughter asked about it, but I wouldn't be waiting for a time to disclose the information like some rite of passage. If they want to know, why hide it? If they don't seem interested, why burden them with the knowledge?
 F00L
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
A question of Altruism?
Posted: 11/23/2008 8:21:00 PM
Many of the responses here weigh the individual against the many. How many lives = the worth of my own. Scorpiomover's reply is cleaver in turning the question around and saying if so many lives are worth my own, then so too only a few lives are worth my own. However, I don't believe altruism exists under a utilitarian ethic and so even this rationalization, while very worthwhile, misses the point IMO.

IMO, altruism is about getting beyond the self. He who can give himself wholly for another has discovered the true worth of others and created the worth of himself.
 
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