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 Author Thread: when someone of age hasnt had a relationship
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 49 (view)
 
when someone of age hasnt had a relationship
Posted: 11/25/2009 6:12:00 AM

You do seem to be contradicting yourself, when you state in one paragraph that you'd always be ready to listen to one's story, and then proclaiming in the next that you'd be pass right over the individual based on that one aspect of his life, prior to learning any background to what lead to that aspect.


Sorry, didn't mean to be contradictory. Yes, I would definitely listen to one's story...and make a decision whether or not to date that someone, based on that. As you said, someone who has spent their time pursuing an education or career, or in service, would have a different story than someone who was just holding out for perfection. In all likelihood though, yes, I'll admit that chances are, I'd probably take a pass either way, if there had never been ANY sort of relationships in their past. (Or, it would have to be a damned GOOD story in that case ).

The reason I would likely take a pass either way would be, that we would probably just be at different stages of life, or have very different experiences to relate to. But, that's JMO. Doesn't make that person any more flawed than I am, and doesn't make me look down on them in any way.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 43 (view)
 
when someone of age hasnt had a relationship
Posted: 11/24/2009 5:15:58 PM
No offence, buteo regalis but, I think that's ^^^ a tad harsh, don't you think?

Especially when the OP sets it up like this, in his O-Post:


often there are people on here that have never had a relationship, much like myself, but sometimes people say things like if they have not had one what is wrong with them, i must object to this attitude, as it is not always the person that has the problem but the people the people that people like being shallow and superficial. what are people views on this?


To me, it sounds like the OP is already blaming the world, that "the people that people like MUST be shallow and superficial", by his definition apparently.

EVERYONE has a story, and I'm always willing to listen. But to go on the defensive, and blame the world for everyone else being 'shallow and superficial' because they won't date the O-Poster? Come on....there's already been thousands of threads along this same line....

First, what irks me about that is....who gives a rats azz who likes you...if they don't? Then, carry on....and find the ones who DO!

Second...well, I have to admit...the OP is 42...I'll admit, I'd take a pass on a 42 year old man who has never had ANY sort of relationship in his life. Frankly, I'd be wondering who the heck it is he' s holding out for, expecting...he never found ANYONE in his entire life, that he couldn't even have a short-term relationship with? Impossible standards are...well, impossible. I'd wonder if he was holding out for the same fairy tale Cinderella stories that a lot of men lambast women about.

Doesn't make the OP "wrong" by any means but...welp, for me? That would be too much of a 'project' to take on, at this point in my life...BECAUSE I'd guess that, at that point? There likely isn't a woman alive who could live up to whatever the heck it is he's been looking for, for his adult life. JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 662 (view)
 
I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:59:52 PM

Even I'm not so delusional as to think that a majority, or even a significant minority, of wimmin on PoF are participants in the forums*)


It's a catch-22, Binroe. And, I don't think LadyC4 is that 'off', either.

Just because the women who include "I'm independent" on their profiles aren't active participants in the forums? Means squat. What it probably means is, they've corresponded with numerous men on the dating side of the site, who possibly were worried or even interrogated them, on how self-sufficient they truly are. The same small percentage one sees on the forums of people crying "gold-digger" is probably 10-fold on the dating side of the site, if one takes the percentages into account unbiasedly.

Hence, they are probably sick of trying to explain to these men that yep, they might actually have real jobs, might actually pay their own bills, and might, just might, NOT be like the *evil bytch-queen-insert-case-specific-expletive-deleteds-here* that the men that correspond with them are likely bytching about, yanno?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Are Our Standards Too High & Options to Great ?
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:22:26 PM

How can you meet someone who stimulates you emotionally and physically and still want to keep your options open. It is almost as if the standard some people set is unattainable by any mere mortal no matter how spectacular we are and how hard we try to please them.

How many of us are not being realistic by not settling for less ?


Hmm...well, OP, I think an earlier part of your O-Post ties into this....so yep, I do agree wholeheartedly that, if we don't love ourselves then...well, why *should* anyone else be expected to? When I say this, it's because the part of your post that stood out to me was the line "how hard we try to please them". In the early stages of a relationship or dating...the two people are still learning about each other, sussing each other out and all that to see if they're even remotely compatible....so being a "people-pleaser" strikes me as being a tad...well, putting oneself on the back burner just to gain a relationship, no offence.

If someone is still 'keeping their options open' then I'd hazard a guess that, something was still missing for them, no matter how great the other person felt they connected emotionally and physically.

But, to settle for less? Less than what? Less than what one wants? Needs? Can't live without?

I refuse to do that, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to, either.

And, when one finally does meet the one who stimulates them emotionally and physically COMPLETELY...then I doubt either partner would consider that to be 'settling'. JMO, best of luck.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Goodbye to the past, hello with the new!
Posted: 11/23/2009 2:59:46 PM

or wait for the loser


Why would anyone want to be with someone they are describing as being a "loser"?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 647 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/23/2009 8:38:14 AM

...you conveniently forgot the "and who pays" portion of the thread topic.


The ones who aren't the ones paying, tend to conveniently do that, it seems.


When money and finances are the God in your life, and you measure people with that, then that is YOUR perogative. It doesn't mean that it is wrong or right, it just means that some people don't live their lives on that yardstick.


Hardly fair to claim that anyone merely wanting a partner to contribute their fair share monetarily has all of a sudden made money their God and their yardstick. But, again, that is typically a claim made by the partner who isn't used to contributing their fair share, or feels some weird sense of entitlement in that they shouldn't have to.

I wonder what would happen if two partners got together and were all about the 'love conquering all, beer and skittles and all that'...what would happen once the bills start rolling in, and both feel entitled to have the other pay for them?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Evan Chandler Commits Suicide
Posted: 11/21/2009 3:49:01 PM

Michael Jackson didn't have to have actual sex with young boys to be a child molester, although personally I think he did have sexual meanings to his action, but he admitted to sleeping with boys -- to having young boys around him and to paying the parents to let him at their children....that by itself is molesting young boys for his own benefit. Yes, it's terrible what the young Michael Jackson had to live through, but as an adult he made his own decisions, there's no blame for his adult actions except that his own feet.


I agree completely. And, I have to wonder...after hearing the stories, rumours, etc about Michael Jackson for many years prior to all of this...what sort of parent would send their child for a sleepover there anyway, even if it might have only been rumour and conjecture at that point?

Great, sue to become rich...but at what cost to one's child???
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 589 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/21/2009 2:39:16 PM

Claiming to be greater than Hugh Hefner is a strawman post to deflect from the origional debate


Actually, 2irish1, Hugh Hefner was brought up by another poster entirely, and is just where the thread has progressed to since the O-Post, is all. Many of the ladies here were claiming they are currently with fabulous, wealthy S/Os, but obviously claims like all of these are virtually impossible to prove over the internet, was, I *think* the point, lol.


But I found the idea of depending on someone else's goodwill for my wellbeing in terms of having a roof over my head and food in my cupboard, downright SCARY.
Everybody should be responsible for themselves, by and large. This doesn't mean that one can't treat the other, that one can't take a greater share of paying if the other one has hit a bit of a bad patch, as long as it doesn't become an ongoing parasitic inertia. And if 2 people of discrepant incomes are dating, then they need to sit down and work out how that gets handled if the one with higher income wants to partake of more expensive entertainments. But it's my feeling that generally speaking, the relationships that function the best are with people from similar income and education levels and background. I'm not saying that rich/poor or city/country CAN'T work, but it's gonna have some unique challenges.


Best post I've seen in a few pages now, and I agree wholeheartedly, CindyO!
Balance, I still believe the most sympatico results are achieved in the long run, by balance.

I'm curious in a way, though...in cases of highly disproportionate incomes between partners, and especially in second/third etc relationships or marriages...I can see that obviously many times the more affluent partner has no problems with 'treating', and is in a better position to do so. But, would those relationships near marriage as often as more equal income relationships do? Or, in Canada (with Common Law), reach the cohabitation stage as often? And, if so, would the wealthier partner be much more apt second/third time around to include a prenuptial agreement or the like? Obviously treating is one thing, but especially as one gets older, children, grandchildren, etcetc are more likely I would think to become main beneficiaries in the event of a partner passing, with a smaller portion being passed to a spouse or partner.

I'm speaking more about second/third relationships, of course, not young couples getting married in their early 20s and building their wealth together.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Men and self esteem
Posted: 11/20/2009 4:16:12 PM

Females afterall are pressured through media etc to maintain our girly figures, men expect it.. Seems a woman is far more willing to overlook a man's weight whereas many men would never.


And I have to admit, that still seems...odd, to me. With obesity rates reaching levels of, what do they say currently? Something like 60% of North Americans are overweight, and is it 30 or 40% are considered obese? That strikes me as being a tad incongruent, with media pressure on everyone to be thin/buff/toned etc.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Is this a sure fire way to get rid of someone?
Posted: 11/20/2009 3:43:22 PM

This sounds win-win... unless in fact... she DID have feelings for him.


OR...unless in fact, HE did have feelings for HER, and took her declaration as sincere.

I've never tried a tactic like this myself, OP, but I could easily see it backfiring. Frankly, it strikes me as a cowardly way to go about things, and completely immature. I would hope that most grown adults were beyond this sort of juvenile tactic, but that's JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 68 (view)
 
Men and self esteem
Posted: 11/20/2009 3:18:00 PM

Are there commercials about trying to improve the same self esteem issues in boys? If there is someone enlighten me. I'm sure there is books and blogs but not mainstream like a commercial would be.


Hmm...I seem to vaguely recall an old commercial, I honestly can't remember what the product was, but the "geeky" guy outsmarted the "musclebound" guys in the commercial, and "got the girls" when the spot was finished. Can't remember the product though for the life of me.

But you're correct, OP, there really aren't any overall. I think that's hugely because, it seems men (and boys) in society today are still conditioned to "suck it up" as a previous poster mentioned, and not discuss feelings or perceived 'weaknesses' freely. And, I have to admit, I can't really think of any friends, coworkers, family members etc that I know, that would likely participate in a "man's self-esteem clinic" of any sort, for fear of...well probably being ribbed to death by their male friends.

The closest commercials I can think of that are currently on, OP, would be ones like those Axe cologne commercials. Instead of directly working on male self-esteem issues, though, they and similar commercials portray their product as "use this and the girls will flock" and the undertones are primarily sexual. Even certain hair colouring products, or even hair replacement systems, are advertised as "use this and the women will flock". So, perhaps that's their 'compromise' of sorts, (in a very weak way, I'll admit) to show male image self-improvement products, in a more sexual way so that it still appears "manly" to that particular sect of consumers?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 991 (view)
 
are women playing GOD when they become pregnant
Posted: 11/19/2009 4:29:19 PM

There is now a male pill which men can take before sex. Take the male pill, AND use a condom.The odds of both failing are so astronomically high that it can be considered impossible.


Not to quibble but...shouldn't that same statement thus hold true for condoms and the female birth control pill as well? And yet, so many 'accidental' pregnancies apparently resulting from alleged ineffectiveness of the Pill...and yet, to hear some tell it, apparently the Pill only has a 3% effectiveness rate, rather than the 97% rate it holds when taken properly

I'm just saying.....
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 853 (view)
 
are women playing GOD when they become pregnant
Posted: 11/18/2009 4:16:33 PM

What if someone chooses to have the baby because he/she feels they can afford it. They get pregnant and have baby...and he/she loses her job. Now, she/he can't afford the baby. Economics....So...what happens in your opinion?


I would sincerely hope, that more thought than one paycheque, goes into the decision "do we/don't we" or "do I/don't I" have a baby...wouldn't you agree?

Again...if one is only "one paycheque away" from being able to afford to have a baby...again I'd say pffft....and they probably should have used their birth control more wisely.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 851 (view)
 
are women playing GOD when they become pregnant
Posted: 11/18/2009 3:49:43 PM

Taxpayer's burden....like deadbeat dads and irresponsible people having sex. In reality, people won't stop having sex, indiscriminate sex, sex with strangers, sex with anyone that turns their crank....so the argument for only people who can afford to have a baby becomes moot. How are you going to police this? Pregnancies happen...
...with the economic times...being like a yoyo...


Well actually, *I* don't plan to police this in any way, lol, since I'm obviously not in a position to, for anyone else besides myself. But...hmm...maybe in all of that, there IS an option for the men, since that's what this thread is about apparently...

The "economic times" be damned...that's a ludicrous thing to say. And, what does that even mean????

I agree with you that people, by and large, aren't going to stop having sex...but...maybe if it WASN'T so indiscrimate on BOTH the man and woman's part...hmm...instead of making the solution, as you said, "taxpayer's burden"....

The stats supposedly say that an estimated 3 in 10 children currently born in North America, have the incorrect father on the birth certificate...so...making mandatory DNA testing a requisite BEFORE a man signs a birth certificate, might go a long way towards equality in this regard, don't you think? I know if I were a man, in this day and age with this science available to me? Damned straight I would insist on a DNA testing, especially if it pertained to someone I wasn't in a serious relationship with.

It's been asked before in this thread, I now see, about how to level things to make it "equal"...well, mandatory DNA testing would be a first option I would think, guys.

Frankly, IMO, in this day and age, there is NO excuse for getting pregnant. And, anytime someone DOES "accidentally" get pregnant? Then *someone* made a choice to do so. Birth control is readily available...and, taken correctly, it's reliable...otherwise, Pfizer would have gone out of business a decade ago. Pffft.

Now, IS it solely the woman's responsibility? That's up to each person to decide. Bottom line, though, no matter how much one educates...the woman is the one who ends up pregnant...

I would hope that lil detail would make more women sit up and think but...
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 842 (view)
 
are women playing GOD when they become pregnant
Posted: 11/18/2009 2:44:41 PM
Hmm...well, I haven't read all 34 pages, but since the main topic the last few pages seems to be more the issue of who pays...

JMO, but I don't think ANYONE, either male OR female, should have a child/children, unless they are fully capable of supporting that child/children entirely on their own. All the talk in the world about who *should* pay for this or not, amounts to a hill of beans, if one partner gets shmucked by a bus the day after the baby is born, after all...and then what? Life insurance notwithstanding, and that only goes so far...then what?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Is it Wrong to call a woman handsome?
Posted: 11/18/2009 2:39:12 PM
^^^ So it's okay, then, DBB, if we start calling you purdy?




When I think of a woman being handsome, I tend to think of a dignified, older woman.


That's about how I think of it, too. I wouldn't say it's "wrong" per se, OP, but I doubt you'll meet many women who want to be called handsome to their face. JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Breaking a Date...By Text Message
Posted: 11/17/2009 3:03:11 PM
I think breaking a date by text is tacky, IMO, and unless it was a dire straits situation, I likely wouldn't respond to future phone calls, either. There are always at least three other phone methods to reach me at to (if nothing else) at least leave a voicemail if all else fails, so a date-cancellation text wouldn't cut it, in my books.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 417 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/13/2009 2:59:49 PM

But I believe it is all relative....Therefore it would be an imposition to you to always foot the bill....


**Disclaimer: editting of posted quote all mine, just to pick out the salient points**

While I'm certainly not about to go into a discussion about my income on a public website (obviously, lol) I think you were misunderstanding what I meant. I wasn't stating that it was ever a monetary imposition to me; rather, I meant when it is one-sided and expected ...THEN it became exhausting, and felt like being taken for granted. I live well within my means comfortably, so plain and simple, if I couldn't or can't afford to treat at any particular time, then I simply wouldn't or won't. But for it to be expected of me, while never reciprocated...that was my point. Just because someone CAN afford something....does that mean the bill should ALWAYS land at their feet?


The less money persons have the more important it becomes.


This I will agree with, certainly.


For instance, in NYC where most successful investment bankers, lawyers, etc. are men, they will, of necessity, date from a pool of women that make considerably less than they do. I have never met even one who lowers what he is accustomed to in order to accommodate a woman that makes less.


That's the thing, though...most of us (both male and female) AREN'T necessarily pulling in 6 or 7 figures a year, and dating someone that makes considerably less. So in a way, no offence, that's rather apples to oranges, yanno? And, just because I *might* date a man who makes that 6 figure salary at some point, I would still never want to place myself in a position to become financially dependent on anyone but myself, nor expect him to foot the bill all the time "just because". And, in a way, I would be living *his* lifestyle at that point, and beyond my means...especially if a split ever occurred.

That's a position I never want to find myself in, but that's JMO.

Again, though, why would it be wrong, (not talking 6 figure salaries or Wall Street here, just normal folks, lol) for the higher earner in a couple to say "Let's just stay in tonight" because they know their partner either can't afford, or would feel uncomfortable, with going out?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 408 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:44:56 AM
^^^Splendere, I can agree with a lot of what you are saying there. What I was trying to say (admitedly a tad poorly worded on my part) was that, when a balance exists, I find these things tend to be less of an issue.

It doesn't have to be a "tit for tat" situation at all. Suppose one person earns a much more substantial income than the other. Okay, so theoretically they can afford to live a more lavish lifestyle. Their options then become, either paying all the time for the other person? Or, choosing to downscale a bit and find activities that are in a more comfortable price range for BOTH of them. So, why should the latter be a bad thing, and why wouldn't the partner still feel valued? It would strike me that the higher-income partner is then trying to make them feel more comfortable. On the flip side, why would the former concept be expected as a given? If I can't personally afford something, I feel a bit awkward accepting something out of my price range from someone else, but that's just me. That's all I was saying.

If both parties are fine with that, that's perfectly acceptable too, different strokes for different folks. Personally, I've always found one-sided relationships where I was the only (or main) one footing the bill and pulling my weight to be exhausting, and when it was expected of me, I grew resentful and felt I was being taken for granted.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 403 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:04:13 AM
C'mon all you fellas, why does it have to be a strawman, anyway?! I think we should change it to strawwoman, equality and all that...




Most people are incredibly poor money managers, whether they're living by themselves or together. Put two poor money managers together and it's a recipe for disaster. Put one who's bad together with one who's good, it can also be a recipe for disaster. Too many people get caught up too much in the romance of love and living together or being married and don't discuss the financial aspect of the union or come to an understanding before they do get together, then they're so full of blame for the other party. I agree with the concept of your own accounts and an equal split in the costs of day to day financial obligations based on income. You'd have those obligations if you lived on your own and lived within your means....well, should live within your means, but we know that most people don't even while single in this self-indulgent, impulse driven, greed based society.


Bingo!

Like I said pages back, to me it's all about balance. And really, let's face it...life isn't all beer and skittles, and it's very wise to discuss financial arrangements and details prior to engaging in a live-in or marriage situation, that way everything is out in the open and no one can claim foul down the road. (I'm not speaking of accidents or unforeseen life events, so let's leave that out of this equation, shall we?) Again, also about being comparable in one's money habits and how responsible/lack thereof the partner may be.

I'm still not sure why ANYONE would want to be financially dependent on another though, once they reach adulthood. Relationships sometimes end, and I'd hate to end up in the helluva bind that being financially dependent on another would leave me in should the relationship dissolve.

Living within ones means....just reading some of the posts in this thread alone, it is very evident that the poster I quoted above was indeed correct, it's not something that everyone in this world is capable of. And, really, this amazes me too...if one partner does make a substantial amount more than the other...then obviously their lifestyle would probably afford a few more luxuries. Again, balance...why WOULD the other partner then feel entitled to receive an equal share of that, if they aren't willing to earn it themselves, just because? Wouldn't the partner with the lesser income then be trying to live beyond their OWN means, by claiming a share of their S/O's income as their own? Obviously in a lot of relationships things do get shared that way....but that's a privilege IMO, not a right. JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Has your Adult ADD ruined/sabotaged relationships?
Posted: 11/11/2009 5:29:37 PM
Umm...OP....you are 51, acknowledging you have a problem, and have been professionally diagnosed, but still don't want to resolve it, by taking care of yourself, first, by at least acknowledging that this *might* play a part in things, and possibly also lead to including taking medication to treat this?

And yet you don't think the ADD had ANY possible part in ruining your past relationships and marriage, by your own opinion?

No offence, but you'd be like a hyperactive bumblebee to me, flitting around all over the place..and I doubt many women at either my age or yours, would be interested in "learning to deal" with that, when you aren't even willing to deal with it yourself. And, I have to admit, I'm surprised that, at your age, you haven't already dealt with this.

Don't use this as a crutch or excuse for bad behaviour....you'll just come off as an ***hole, and sometimes an ***hole is just an ***hole when one does it that way. I'm not sure why you started the thread, though, if you truly don't want any actual help?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 337 (view)
 
Strong opinions on pot smoking here and abouts; why?
Posted: 11/11/2009 5:14:28 PM

People can smoke it all they want for all I care, I did enough at one time too. But at my age, there is nothing worse than being around a 50 year old stoner!


This pretty much sums up my view of it too...although, growing up with my father being Drug Squad RCMP, I never got into smoking it, myself. And, I find it a tad *odd* I guess, that people over the age of say, 25, still do smoke it?

It still doesn't mean I would want to date a pot-smoker, though. I've only ever known one person, that could "take it or leave it" as Baked.Sushi said in her post...most regular pot-smokers that I've known, it's the first thing they do when they wake up, and the last thing they do at night before going to bed. Nice. Who wants to work with a coworker who might endanger them because their faculties are impaired; frankly, since moving to the US, I'm glad my job does regular drug-screening.

Being Canadian, though...I'm sure the Canadian government WILL eventually legalize marijuana...but probably ONLY after they devise a way to be able to test for it at the roadside...if I had a nickel for every pot-smoker I've known, who insisted they were a "better driver" while stoned, compared to while unimpaired? Meh...impaired is still impaired. Once the Canadian gov't figures out a way to test for it roadside...hell, let them tax the hell out of it, same as they do alcohol, and test for it roadside, same as they do with alcohol...and also impose the same felony charges if one is caught driving while stoned. So, pot-smokers...don't bytch when your own vice is finally legalized, and then taxed up the ying yang, same as my cigarettes are.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Do you ever think about how much time you have left?
Posted: 11/11/2009 4:52:02 PM

How long do you want to continue that cycle?


I would continue "that" cycle until I found what I am looking for..why wouldn't I? To do otherwise would be "settling"...I'd rather be alone and happy, than in a relationship with the wrong partner and miserable.


I feel that every weekend that passes that I have not enjoyed myself with a significant other or even alone is a precious weekend that I will never get back.


That is the difference, methinks. Why do you not enjoy your weekends, whether alone or with a significant other? Why can't you enjoy being alone?

I'm not looking to be anyone's "saviour"...if they aren't happy and comfortable in their own skin, then no relationship in the world is likely to change that, IMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 84 (view)
 
What do you make of this? Is this BPD?
Posted: 11/10/2009 3:36:57 PM
What difference does it really make, if he's "officially" diagnosed with BPD or not, OP? Are you hoping that if a medical expert ever does diagnose him as such, that he'll go on meds and completely change to being someone who will suit you in every aspect?

Sometimes an a$$hole is just an a$$hole. Like you said, it's been a few months and now you're seeing the real him. I wouldn't expect it to get any better, and like they say, when people show you who they really are, believe them. JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Should I play hard to get? I'm not good at this though---it's not me!
Posted: 11/10/2009 5:28:23 AM
Goodness, what a busy couple of months you and he have had! My head is still spinning just from living it vicariously through your post.

I think you should just be ecstatic that this man agreed that you were his new BFF, and leave it at that. Otherwise he might change his mind again tomorrow.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Parents Visting and Dating...
Posted: 11/9/2009 2:55:00 PM

This is the part that I'm worried about. Their plan is to come up to Ottawa and move in with me for 6-8 months (I have my own condo and spare room) until they buy one and move in. Since I'm on this site and looking for dating, that is going to be awkward. More so since they don't go out much. So should I give up dating till they move into their place? Or will people understand the situation?


OP...some people will, some won't.

You have you parents moving in with YOU, not the other way around...that will work better in your favour overall.

I'd explain the situation to any prospective dates, and see what they say.

Am I the only one who is even remotely curious, though, that...well, after the folks sell their house and move up to be with you...umm...why is it going to then take them 6-8 months to purchase a new house in Ottawa? Just asking....
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Mixed Signals?
Posted: 11/9/2009 2:14:26 PM

OP, I think there are obvious red flags here that shouldn't be overlooked, but before you dump him ask why he didn't introduce you to his friends. Whether he didn't want to introduce you as his gf is no excuse. He could've introduced you as a friend.


Spot on!

Not to mention, OP, you said HIS parents also attended this game? Umm...did he not at least introduce you to them? Seems kind of odd to me, because obviously they would wonder who you were. And then, back at your apartment, he knocks around some of your things, but doesn't even apologize or pick them up?

How long has this man been divorced? Are you the first woman he's dated since, or brought around his friends and family? If this was the first time, it seems like an odd choice IMO, to bring you to an event that both his parents AND his ex frequent.

ETA:

He did set the boundaries. He’s NOT interested in a committed relationship (like most men his age). If he’s like me, it won’t work. When a woman steps back, she screws herself; I do NOT chase anyone.


You know, I'd agree with you 100% but, I doubt you'd set boundaries, and then invite a date to an event where both your parents AND your ex would be in attendance, if you weren't interested in a committed relationship? Just asking...
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 103 (view)
 
Whats with the harems?
Posted: 11/9/2009 1:45:12 PM

Most players I've known... and I mean "real" players (juggling 4-5 women at a given time) been all very successful and desirable men.
That's the main reason WHY & HOW they do what they do. They don't NEED to get stuck with one woman when they can have as many as they want.

So all this BS "player" psychoanalysis you people are trying to pull here is nothing but CRAP!

Either you're jealous ! or been played by a player...hurting.. pffft'!


Actually, I rather agree with this ^^^. I don't even know that I'd necessarily label the men referred to in that quote as "players" even...playboys/eternal bachelors is probably a better term, IMO.

I've never actually met someone who would be the online definition of a "player" yet, in my entire life...usually, as mentioned above, the men who might be referred to as such, ARE very physically attractive, and generally also very successful in their careers etc...and they usually make no bones about the fact that they aren't looking for a serious relationship. So, I've tended to opt not to date them, if that wasn't something that gelled with what I was also seeking. Hence I've never been "played" because, the rules of the game are generally pretty clear from the get-go. That and, my ego would only allow me to agree to dating someone like that, if I was also getting something I found suitable for me at the time.


Women usually know (in their gut) that they're just one of many. Even with that they choose to stay with him BECAUSE he's still more desirable, fun and original than any other monogamous men out there.


Again, yep, I'd say the women probably do know, because most playboys WILL let them know upfront...feeling that he'll eventually settle down, or "change his ways" is futile, and not really a valid reason to label the man a player. I don't think I agree that it's because he's more desirable than "any other monogamous men out there" though; more likely it's because he's filling whatever void they need at that particular point in their lives. Doesn't make him better, or less.

Generally speaking, I find the only time anyone badmouths another, is when they can't make the other person behave how they want. So I don't think the "player" label should be tossed around quite as easily as it seems to be, IMO.

Now,true "players" IMO, would be as that poster also mentioned...the liars and cheats who are already in a relationship and dating on the side. Playing involves lies, and deceit, but that's JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
A playful groper
Posted: 11/9/2009 1:31:01 PM

Yes, it SHOULD be her responsibility to tell him off, but sometimes you just gotta man up.


See, I could perhaps understand that approach of manning up, IF it was, say, a scenario at a party, where a drunk lout kept approaching his girlfriend and she tried to be polite at first, but finally requested some help. Apparently the scenario in question, though, has been ongoing for a long time now, so his girlfriend has had more than ample time to tell the husband off herself.

Out of curiousity...wouldn't the fact that one's partner DIDN'T have the cajones to respond to the husband in the O-Post by simply saying "Hands off!" in no uncertain terms...wouldn't that make you lose respect for them pretty quick, not to mention interest? I know it sure would, me!


She has said that he'd like nothing more than to get her in bed with his wife so I guess this has been mentioned in the past in a jokey drunken way.
My GF is very soft hearted and NEVER does anything that she thinks might lead to a confrontation as she hate it


Umm...okay, so your girlfriend already knows this man wants her for a threesome with his wife, and has for a while now...and she STILL hasn't set boundaries with him??? Scared of confrontation my ass, I'd say she's enjoying the attention. JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
A playful groper
Posted: 11/9/2009 11:59:39 AM

How about , saying : Hi , I'm new to this !
And give his "boy parts " a squeeze !


Okay now THAT'S funny, Rick!


Or, better yet, OP...squeeze his wife a bit!
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
A playful groper
Posted: 11/9/2009 11:50:33 AM
You know, OP, I'm not sure I buy it when your girlfriend says it makes her feel uncomfortable. I mean, c'mon...not many of us would allow even a best friend's husband/SO to squeeze our butts and especially not our boobs. A hug, fine, but the rest isn't normal behaviour.

Feeling uncomfortable be damned...if your girlfriend truly had a problem with his behaviour, she'd have put a stop to it long ago. Ick.

I'd put her on the spot, like wtf?? "If you don't like it, honey, TELL HIM!!" Just ick.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Past financial debt torn us apart
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:31:20 AM

Sorry, but I tend to do this as well, reality/sanity checks, and I suspect that when she got a gander at the extent of the debt she got a really uncomfortable feeling in her stomach and ignoring that imo would be massively stupid.


Package Deal

Don't get me wrong, I agree with you wholeheartedly on this ^^^....I'd already stated that, frankly, for me, the sort of debt the OP is describing, and the financial irresponsibility that led up to it (and apparently is still adding to it) would probably have me out the door PDQ if the man wasn't willing to seek out a financial consultant to learn to become more responsible with his finances.

I guess to each their own on the 'cohabitation test'; I do still find it a little odd that anyone would pay double-monthly payments, since it seems like an uncessary expense to me, to be honest. But, the man the OP is speaking of doesn't strike me as much of a saver anyway, lol.

I also find it odd, that...well, to me, if one isn't contributing their fair share, then nope, I don't see that it's any of their business to question how another spends their money. Especially since, wasn't this something to have been learned DURING that year's 'test cohabitation'? Unless the OP discovered this man's debt BEFORE she moved into his house...it's just odd, since she said she refuses to contribute her share UNTIL he gets his finances in order. Wouldn't that imply she DID have knowledge before moving in? It would be too much of a coincidence to believe she found out the very first day in his house, no? And yet, her insistence on not contributing a penny in his house....kind of bass-akwards to me.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Past financial debt torn us apart
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:05:07 PM

When we decided to be together, I refused to move in in his house before marriage and to learn each other more. He agreed rented apartment together to see if we were compatible ( I think you are agree that living together give you better understanding another person) and we paid each ½ for rent and utilities. It seems everything was Ok, after 1 year rent he we moved in his house.


That makes absolutely no sense. Whether it was in his house, or in a rented apartment, you were still living together, so what's the difference? All I can see that happened was, you ADDED to his expenditures, by insisting he now pay both his existing mortgage AND rent on an apartment?

Where were you living before this apartment, and who was paying the rent then?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Past financial debt torn us apart
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:54:53 PM

This is only the fist month I live in his house, before we rented the apartment and all rent (utilities) was on both side. I would not mind contribute some finance , but AFTER straighten up his expenses and live under budget.


I don't understand. You both rented and shared the same apartment just over a month ago? Did I read that wrong? Why would he have had a rented apartment, if he also has a house? He's obviously had the house more than one month, if he's already refinanced it a few times.

So you're living in the house rent-free then, and not contributing anything until AFTER he alters his finances? Umm....yeah, now I realize why there was no mention beyond a brief sentence about love. In that case, his finances ARE none of your business, if you aren't even contributing your share, IMO. Easy to pull your own weight if there's no bills to be paid, no?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Past financial debt torn us apart
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:40:24 PM
Hmm...I don't think I've seen anywhere so far, OP, where you mention what you contribute for your share to the household financially each month. Do you share the bills equally, or does he pay the bulk of them? Also, his adult children, one of whom is still living with the two of you...are they attending any post-secondary institutions? Is he perhaps going into debt trying to help pay their tuition?

I suppose none of that is either here or there, but I find it a tad surprising that, beyond one mention of loving him, you seem more concerned in a way that he's spending his money in more other places than on you. Don't you accompany him on these "luxury trips"? If not, that would seem kind of odd to me too.

Bottom line though, it's well past time you spoke to him about this, especially if you're supposedly heading towards marriage. Frankly, I think it should have been discussed before cohabitating, at least certainly to the extent of monthly expenses and how they'd be split.

That being said, since I personally am anal about my finances, the sort of debt your boyfriend has accrued, and evidently keeps accruing, wouldn't be my cup of tea in the slightest. I'm a little at a loss, though, if this man earns as much as you say he does, where the money goes...obviously some of it goes towards accruing more debt but still, that's an awful lot of money to be wasting. Surely he must have SOMETHING to show for it? Or does he spend equal amounts on you?

If you want to stay with him, I'd suggest he seeks a good financial planner, to help him handle this debt and whittle it down. Myself, that would just be too much debt, and financial irresponsibility, for me to want to take on. JMO.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Too small for a condom !?! Then What???
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:51:06 PM
Oh lord, OP...not sure what to suggest you do about this gherkin problem....hmm...how about those latex finger cots that they use in restaurants if they've cut themselves? They're finger-sized "condoms" so maybe they'd be worth a shot?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Need help caught gf
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:23:22 PM

like i said i don't use this profile except this one time


Then change it, to garner some credibility. I mean, come on, OP...your main complaint in your Opening Post was that, you "caught" her on here with a profile looking for FRIENDS, that didn't mention you. You are starting to sound like a control freak...you expect her to acknowledge you in her profile, but you won't do the same? You're on here posting...you have the 2 minutes required to make the same said changes.

Otherwise..methinks he doeth protest too much.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Need help caught gf
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:37:38 PM
Her profile says she's looking for friends, yours says you're looking for dating? Did you "forget" to update yours, as you blasted her for not doing, OP?

Doesn't sound to me like she's done anything out of line so far; for one, you've only known her in person for 10 days, hardly a longterm committment. And, you're apparently demanding of her, things that you won't reciprocate on?

After 10 days, you barely know this girl. Give it time, and learn more about her...but you also have to be willing to meet her halfway, after all. Your own profile changes would be a good start, no?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Pinocchio
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:47:36 PM
Umm....the man has been living with someone for 10 years, was cheating on her with you (unbeknownst to you) and then had the balls to actually sit down with her there too and join your group, and proceed to heckle you???

I don't think you were out of line...his behaviour was what was attracting the attention and uncomfortable feelings from the rest of the group, including his girlfriend by the sounds of it. You didn't know who she was, you provided a brief, innocent explanation.

You were far kinder to him though than I would have been.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
TwinFlame Vs Soulmates
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:42:59 PM
I've always taken concepts such as soulmates or twin flames to be more dealing with spirituality (depending on what one believes) rather than as dating ideals, OP. As others have said, neither a soulmate nor a twin flame needs to necessarily be a romantic partner, and not necessarily someone one will meet in this lifetime, either. (Again, depending on what you believe).

It's been a while, but from my foggy recollection, I thought the idea behind a twin flame was..not quite a soul splitting into two, but for lack of a better term. Hence when it's said "at birth" I believe they were referring to the birth of that soul, not a physical birth. Again, depending on what one believes. The idea being that both soulmates and twin flames would be encountered along one's travels, sometimes in good relationships, sometimes not, but in each to help teach some sort of lesson.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Was I wrong ??
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:00:33 PM
Five years and he still isn't behaving like a man who truly wants to be in this relationship? He sounds more like Peter Pan than a grown man, to me, OP.

You've given him your ultimatum, though, so you pretty much have to stick with that now. Otherwise, your word won't mean squat in the future if you don't. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums myself, simply because to me, they're pretty much the last straw and by then the relationship is probably close to done anyway. If you aren't happy in the relationship, though, don't expect him to change, he's already shown you who he is.

Myself, I'd probably have ditched him just for being a grown man addicted to a bloody game like that.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:48:51 PM

For those of you who give second chances, why?


I'll give the person a second chance in the way that, we could be friends after a breakup, certainly. (Even if it was a bad breakup relatively speaking, perhaps down the road we'd become friends). For a second-round relationship, though? I never recycle. I see no point in flogging a dead horse.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
STD/Mutual Testing Questions
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:46:42 PM

I am not asking. Ill trust my guts


No offence to you, titosmith, and I'm not picking on you by any means...but answers like that are part of the reason why it IS so important to get tested on a regular basis, IMO. Anyone can appear to live an angelic life, but all it takes is once, remember.

I would think requesting that a new partner be tested before engaging in sexual activity would be the norm in this day and age; I've never had a problem making that request, and never minded when it was made to me. PC or not be damned...it's my life, and if someone refuses that request, then they ain't getting any nookie.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
In Love after two weeks?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:38:32 PM
How can he possibly be in love after 2 weeks and only four meetings...geez louise, he doesn't even know what kind of toothpaste she uses after two weeks, let alone who she really is or anything below the surface!

I tend to find, OP, that usually the ones who are in a really big rush like this? Have a reason for it...usually it's to get the other person to commit to something, before their true personas come out. I'd be wary, if I were your friend.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:14:26 PM
FFS:
And verity - Daisy Petals -oops I mean Belly Lass - has been "engaged" to at LEAST three men since I joined PoF just over a year ago. Well, she said she had. I don't know - she must fall in love real fast. It is confusing, since she always says she makes them wait for sex...so I figure she only has sex with them once and then they drop her



Also getting a decade younger with each incarnation, some peoples' posts put them at being max 16 years old when they first got married...and that's counting back and doing the math that there wasn't even a day's break between the marriage and all these "relationships".

CindyO: Another double standard that I also find interesting, at least in these forums, is that the women who play the game of "making him wait" or expecting the length of hoop-jumping that they do...would also be the same women whose egos would be annoyed as hell if a man they were interested in kept rebuffing them sexually.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 248 (view)
 
Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:00:13 PM


Can you imagine some wife saying this? "If I was with a man who was financially dependent on me, it would make my skin crawl. If he became ill, I'd have him in a nursing home so fast that you'd see my the soles of my running shoes smoke!! Hopefully his kids can pay for his keep. I'm not!!!"


Yet, I've heard almost these exact same words from women.


What I'm more curious about, is WHY anyone would want to be financially dependent on another for in the first place?

And, what WOULD happen if their financial benefactor DID become ill and unable to support them any longer, or at least for a while? Would they leave because their meal ticket has come to an end? Trade that person in? Or, heaven forfend, actually start becoming self-sufficient for a change?
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Separated, definitely getting divorced, but still having sex
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:48:37 AM
So you're basically asking, would a new partner be okay with sloppy seconds?

OP...hell no I wouldn't be interested in the scenario you described, I'd be surprised if anyone would, really. I'd also probably question the person's impulse control, as well.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 140 (view)
 
Jesus is stealing my girlfriends!
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:40:50 AM
Does the title of this thread give anyone else the giggles every time they see it, or is it just me?


Religion is a mind set so i guess if these people are having sex then feeling guilty about it, it is a bit like a cheating husband, you know you have done wrong and feel guilty. So maybe it is a good thing that they moved on as they may have commitment issues. A person that is willing to cheat on god by having sex before marriage, is surely capable of cheating on you.


Umm...guys, I'm *thinking* that what this poster was essentially saying was, if someone is going to be daft enough to back up and use the "Jesus" excuse AFTER already having had sex with someone, then obviously they can't even be true to their own beliefs, so how would they be true to their partner? Or something like that, lol.

Personally, OP, I'd find that flakier n hell, and would be gone in a heartbeat. It would be one thing for someone to tell you upfront that it's against their religious beliefs to have sex before/outside of marriage...but to use it as an excuse after the fact? I'd write them off as a complete flake.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
caught my fiance having cyber sex and text sex with other women
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:29:30 AM

His cheating has NOTHING to do with the OP or the relationship. He is CHOOSING to be a cheater. She is the innocent party in all of this.


While I'll agree that yes, the man in this scenario IS choosing to be a cheater...to state that it has NOTHING to do with the relationship is just burying one's head in the sand foolishly, IMO. People who are completely satisfied in their relationship in all aspects don't tend to feel the need to cheat, or even think about it.

And nobody is 100% an 'innocent party', either.

OP, if it were me, the trust would be broken, and I'd be saying sayonara to this man. Good luck!
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
So he/she USED to be Gay/Lesbian! Would you still date them?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:46:05 PM
"USED" to be gay? Umm...isn't that like being a 'little bit pregnant'?

I don't blame the woman at all. Even if one calls it bisexuality in this case? I'd have handed the ring back AND been out of there so fast, he could have played cards on my coattails.
 
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