What Would You Do If Your Best Friend Confessed That They Are In Love With Your Partner? chat & forums.

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Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

What Would You Do If Your Best Friend Confessed That They Are In Love With Your Partner? Posted: 1/9/2009 12:34:54 PM
I think this lady might as well kiss both her boyfriend and her girlfriend goodbye. They've become so revealing and honest because they want to be together and they want her blessing, too. There's absolutely no other reason for them to be so revealing and give so many details about what's transpiring between them, cause if either gave a damn about her, they'd respect her enough to keep the crushing details to themselves. Great friends! Further, she strikes me as someone that can't manage her relationships in a healthy way. You can't just play with other people's lives like it's a games of chess...."be together cause I want you to!", etc. Friendships require respect. If your man and your friend, or your Daddy and your new man--or whoever--don't hit it off, you can't force them to behave the way you want them to just because it makes life easier for you. You have to respect them and also trust them to make their own decisions about their relationships...period. What a sad story. I hope this lady finds a way to heal and move on into healthy relationships with solid foundations of trust that don't require micro managing.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Logic Before Emotion Posted: 1/5/2009 10:21:39 AM
I don't think it's emotion that drives folks as much as it is simple attraction. When you consider just how many people in the world that we might become attracted to, it just seems so bizarre to approach the improbable....but it's very easy to do when you expose yourself to so many people.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Logistics...when you're both homeowners...and have lives! Posted: 1/3/2009 3:11:49 PM
Ain't it funny how people think that the change and evolving that goes on in ALL relationships is something the other person has to do?! Ain't it also funny how when it's "right", we're a helluva lot more willing to budge? I'm not a big fan of starting something that seems improbable, so my best advice would be to not do so to begin with. I don't care how lonely you are, or how hot they are, or how good it feels right now; the heartache of trying to fit a square into a round hole just ain't worth it. The heartache always comes, doesn't it? It isn't terribly difficult to count how many kids they have, how far away they live, how much debt the carry, etc...it's so easy! Just say no! In closing, when minors are involved, you HAVE to go with what's in their best interest--please tell them to speak up and be heard. After that, you have to get right into the guts of everything. Create imaginary scenarios of what you'd do "if so and so happens"...etc. Cover everything you can think of, knowing life will throw ya things you can't even imagine yet. Relationships are never about the needs of one or the other, they're about the needs of the new couple you've become. The best to ya, darlin!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

so where are you people that leave a person confused? Posted: 12/29/2008 4:26:32 AM
Maybe they just got lost? OKOK, it's that they're cowards...plain and simple.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 67 (view)

A ring from the past Posted: 12/27/2008 5:30:58 AM
So...if you take off the ring, he'll fell all better? What if you'd never told him it was an engagement ring? Good golly molly; it's just a ring! I'd be more concerned and focused on the fact that he's feeling insecure about it and that's what I'd be working on with him. I know it's easy to feel threatened by objects of affection and I've been there lots of times, but I finally realized that what matters most is how a person lives their life. If someone lives their love, it really doesn't matter what jewelry or clothing their wearing. I don't think I'd choose to wear an engagement ring; I'd probably make a necklace with it...but I wouldn't choose to not wear it just because it might be threatening. The ring isn't the issue...it's the threat behind it.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

How does a guy who got used to prostitutes get back to a normal life? Posted: 12/27/2008 5:21:02 AM
You'll have to simply decide to choose a normal life vs. "the quick fix" and completely redo your ideas about dating; dating can be a hassle or dating can be fun and enjoyable. You have to remember...you chose to stop dating and live the quickie way and you did it for a long time, probably because it was easier. Building relationships is not easy and it will take time to adjust your lifestyle and previous mindset. It will not happen overnight...patience. You are what you do; live it well.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

So when did flirting became dangerous territory? Posted: 10/14/2008 5:56:10 AM
First, there's a huge difference in just being extra sweet to someone and treating them in a special way, and actually blatantly flirting with them with the intent to move beyond flirting....as well as casually flirting in such a way as to say "wow, you rock--2 thumbs up!" and then moving on and not making much of it because you aren't interested in more. I equate flirting to showing romantic interest; that's what sets it apart from just being friendly and engaging and that's what made it special when I actually did it. I reckon it sometimes becomes problematic because lots of other people see it as showing romantic interest, too. At the heart of flirting is that we're sending that person a subtle or not so subtle message, else we'd treat them the same as everyone else. Those that are partnered up might wonder why there's a need to send such a message, or why their partner is enjoying receiving such a message, lol. I think the more important aspect is how it's handled when it happens.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Space- HELP! Posted: 10/6/2008 8:48:34 AM
Okey dokey, here's what you do...go to eBay and bid on a huge lot of suspense/romantic suspense/thrillers and cuddle up on the sofa for a spell! No car needed; they'll deliver to your door! :) Masturbate? check out thrift stores? Hit the gym? Plan your weddng? lol...just love this answer! Perfect!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 47 (view)

How do you deal with a parent your child has never met? Posted: 10/4/2008 5:44:47 AM
You had an idea in your head of how it should turn out and i really hope reality doesnt come crashing down on your childs head because of your choice. Brutal as hell, but wise, too....if she has such an "idea". Can't blame her for wanting them to work things out and move into a father/son position, but this is something they will have to agree to and mutually desire, on their own. Juliet, move VERY slowly. Your son is at a very tender age and this will likely be the biggest thing to ever have happened in his young life. While it's true much of this is out of your hands, this aspect is still very much in your hands and should remain in your hands until your son is an adult...you have the final say in how all this plays out. Please, please do not let your own emotions and attachments to your "ideal", if one exists, interfere with your son's. This is about his life; not yours, not the father's. You don't know this man anymore. The private meetings should be a "getting to know you as a man/person" thing first, before they become a decision regarding his desire and ability to parent. Right now, both of you are likely experiencing something really big and powerful in your lives, this is NOT the time for emotional decisions because you're both too reactive right now, and there is absolutely ZERO reason to rush into this. Not saying it will happen, (but there's a very big risk that it might) but this man has the ability to crush your son; just crush him! Please do everything in your power to make certain this man will consider, at ALL times, what is best for this child and will not bail on him. Regarding how to present this to your son, should it come to that...first, there are now 2 parents involved and the other one should have input as to how it's handled, OK? This affects his life too, but the final decisions are yours. You two really need to come to many agreements before this is presented to him. Knowing nothing of how this man feels and what he might want, but should he pass all my tests, lol, my approach would be one in which I actually say very little. As others have noted, children will ask what they need to know and are likely able to process, so don't give more information than what he asks for. There's NO way any of us might guide you through too much of this for that very reason. But you better have your answers straight before you approach him, as we never know what might come outta their lil mouths! I might open with "I've had an opportunity to speak with your father and I'm wondering if you have any interest in meeting him? It's entirely up to you, darlin', and we'll do things exactly as you want to. You don't have to meet him, and it will be OK if you choose not to. If you think you might want to but aren't ready to meet him right now, then you just let me know someday down the road if you ever change your mind and I'll take care of it for you. (Never allow the child to feel the burden is on them to make a big decision all alone, or be responsible for making things happen) I just want you happy and peaceful, so you just let me know what you'd like for me to do." The questions will begin almost immediately, if you're even able to make it through the whole thing without being interrupted, lol...so listen carefully to his questions because they will guide you in how to respond. And Juliet, you probably know this, but I'll say it anyway cause I know you're likely very emotional and probably upside down right now, too...but it's OK to not have an answer to something they ask us as soon as they ask it. It's OK to say "Yanno, I'm not sure how to answer that, but I'll think about it a bit and will answer it as best I can very soon, if that's OK with you?" and then move on. Please, whatever you do, do not allow any personal agendas (good or bad) come into play. Don't make promises you can't keep or affect, and don't jump for joy just because the two of them might agree to meet! This is very serious business and it will be a process that might or might not turn out in the way you desire. It's hugely important to approach it in a healthy way, and to be sure you both have the appropriate skills to cope with this. Baby steps, Juliet...baby steps.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

How do you deal with a parent your child has never met? Posted: 10/3/2008 8:13:18 AM
how do I get this father/son relationship happening? You don't...he has to make his own discoveries regarding parenting. You cannot affect his decision. As Margo said, about the only thing you can affect is how it all plays out. Were I you, IF and only IF he expressed sincere, solid interest in parenting his son, I'd meet with him privately first and go from there. It'll be a very long road...getting a really good grip on who he is and the kind of man he is, and just how willing he is to invest will be key. From there, you then approach your son and gauge his readiness/interest. From there, it's really between thew two of them. Your sons emotional health and readiness is what matters most. He's the child here and he absolutely must be protected. I wish you all lots of happiness and peace from here on out! Who knows, there just might be a lil love story in the making here!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Changing others' perceptions of yourself? Posted: 10/2/2008 4:35:22 AM
I'm just stopping in to tell yall that this thread is a much needed breath of fresh air for me...well done! None of the toxic negativity that's being passed around like a doobie? Wow, I'm glad I'm sitting down! This is the best read I've encountered in months! This bears repeating: 4. More times than not we have friends who define themselves by their surroundings and friendships. If you change yourself, you change their definition of your friendship. Change is scary. They spent a good amount of time in learning about the old you, you were predictable to them. You're now new, different; scary. It's easier for them to still consider you as the "old you." It would be a shame if they somehow make you revert for the sake of their comfort. Awesome post! Ya just gotta change your dance steps...and when you do, people can't respond to you in the usual way. Your steps affect their steps, and so on. Change begins when we dance differently. :)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

the cup Posted: 10/1/2008 1:38:35 PM
I've used the Instead cup, and really, it's no different than a diaphragm, and is inserted exactly like the diaphragm is....folded in half, and once it is inserted properly, it opens up and forms a seal. I've used it during sex and was told that from time to time, he did feel the outer edge of it, (he was being a rough boy! )but that it wasn't problematic for him. The only part that made it something I eventually stopped using was the messy removal, but I'm the queasy sort. In fact, the only reason I even tried it was because it could be used during sex, and in that regard, it worked just fine.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

advice or obvious criticism please Posted: 10/1/2008 1:27:49 PM
OK...you're totally in love with a guy that is in a relationship that is also your guy's best friend, and you've never even touched him? How can that be?! (You're the only one that can help.)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 76 (view)

View Similar Users Posted: 9/30/2008 11:15:26 AM
Wow...this features gives me one more reason to appreciate the fact that I'm not here to date! I wouldn't care AT ALL for having someone stumble across my profile, only to be redirected to someone else...dang! I couldn't help myself, I had to check mine out, lol, and found that all my similar members were girls local to me, and were all very nice looking, but it seemed all we had in common was our location. Only three featured tata pics, and of those three, wow...one had tata's so large that it looked like her tata's were pregnant! Geez O Pete....how I wish I could say her name; yall are missing out BIG time! I reckon I oughta say "thank you" for featuring me amongst such loveliness...but it just seems too weird. It just seems to make our profile more like a chain of introductions for all that will naturally follow. "Hey yall...I'm FG...thanks for taking a sec to peek in! There's lots of other ladies attached to my profile, too, so, umm...you go on and check them out and yall have fun---happy fishin'!"

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Message Board / Forum Stalking Posted: 9/25/2008 8:45:02 AM
When a person starts a topic on a public message board, they are inviting responses from the public! If she happens to participate, big whoop...she is a member of the public, too! (Methinks they're getting juice from it!)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Woman, 35, Has Stroke During Sex Posted: 9/24/2008 2:11:59 PM
It's also really important to consider health issues in any potential partners. Sorry to say it; but someone who doesn't take really good care of their health is not good relationship material. Huh? It's her fault she didn't know she was at risk, and she isn't worthy of a relationship? What if her doctor never saw any reason to screen her? Wow.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Why do we come to Plenty Of Fish ? Posted: 9/23/2008 10:00:56 AM
For the past three years, I've been here for the forums and the forums are why I joined. But these days, with all the changes and the very transparent agendas and politics, I'm just here to mourn so many regulars that are moving on; they're dropping like flies! Oh well, it surely gives me plenty to blog about.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

ladies choice Posted: 9/23/2008 6:11:10 AM
Any idea what it might be? Yep...lots of women actually "pretty up" for their profile--which makes people look at them and favorite them-- and are far more expressive in their investment; most men just come as they are. :)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

being nervous Posted: 9/23/2008 4:23:28 AM
I met a fantastic guy from here. About 10 minutes in I blurted out, "would you go ahead and kiss me now and get that over with so I can stop being nervous?" It worked. Oh wow, that is just TOO cool...awesome way to live! What in hell is there to be nervous about? He's just another person that goes potty like you do, that eats and sleeps and pays bills, probably has some kind of issue, maybe even an eating disorder--and has to hold the remote in his hand at all times...and probably snores, too! Just go and "be".

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

What is right? Posted: 9/22/2008 8:25:51 AM
I wouldn't open my mouth! I would also assume those taking care of him would have noted the twitching, but none the less, if it's bothersome to him, he needs to mention it to his doc and see if an adjustment might be made.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Am I fooling myself? Posted: 9/20/2008 8:39:24 PM
Firegirl...I think you're well on your way darlin! You have an awesome head on your shoulders and a loving heart...and you just might cause more than a fewmuch needed waves in this pond! You might start with simple things like cookouts with your friends, etc, or having poker night or game night and just have a few friends over in which each of them is asked to bring a friend, too. Great way to meet new folks!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 92 (view)

Victims of child sex abuse.How does it affect your dating and relationships? Posted: 9/19/2008 10:30:21 AM
If there is anyone who has made it to the point of forgiveness I would very much like to know how you did it. This thread might help: http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts10157162.aspx It's pretty lengthy and it was hijacked often, but there's a wealth of insight and support there.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

More Major Forum Changes Posted: 9/18/2008 11:37:40 AM
Ain't too much that goes on in lala land that surprises me anymore, but what's happening here is just a real mind bender. Turning these forums into something one has to pay for the right/privilege to post in borders on the bizarre, especially when there's just way too many other forums around. Paying for the privilege to post on an internet forum--one specifically about dating, at that, that is also a "free" dating site, and with all these social networking sites around that allow you to actually socialize, lol?! Oh, wow! I tried and tried to voice my thoughts yesterday in the first thread, but my post never appeared...weird! Anyway, here's my one idea, and I cannot imagine why it'd be so problematic, since the mods aren't paid for their troubles anyway. I think we should have MANY more mods here, each specifically assigned to certain forums ONLY, such as 2/3 per forum. With such a specific focus, it would lighten their load and allow more of an ability to do their job, vs. counting on member participation to lighten their load. I've never witnessed this type of set up anywhere in my 8 years on message boards, and it's no wonder why we're in this shape. With this in place, as well as the deletion vote and "report this post" feature, there wouldn't be any need for the admin violations thread...but if ya insist on keeping it, remove the anonymity aspect and make these posters post under their user names. That'll sure turn the tide. :) Never have understood why we need a dozen different forums to talk about the same dang topic--dating--and I understand it even less now that it's at the expense of some of the most popular and compelling forums here. A dozen! And yall are suggesting we pay for the privilege to have more of a right to actually discuss dating in one of those dozen forums?? Pay to be able to talk about dating...on a free dating site? And to also expect those same paying members to lend a hand in moderating the forums, too? Huh? The very things that set this site apart from all the rest are now placing it at risk of being "just another dating" site among many. Thanks!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Do you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend everything? Posted: 9/18/2008 3:26:23 AM
Umm...I wouldn't be sharing everything with one person while another sits and listens in. It's not fair, most especially if it makes anyone uncomfortable! I share freely only that which is mine to share.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

Honeymoon stage Posted: 9/17/2008 2:21:27 PM
I don't think the honeymoon stage really ends, I think it simply shifts and evolves. We're just under 3 years, and it's only intensified....like, off the charts.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Use your imagination - a challenge. Posted: 9/16/2008 3:28:46 PM
I'm not sure what a test drive is...you mean no petting or no sex? I think the chemistry pretty much answers everything, but I'll play! Can you say "yes", like, a lot?!? Do ya mind being teased in countless ways, for hours ahead of time? Do you really, really like kissing, like, all the way through it? Ahh crap...I gotta cook dinner!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Please give me your take on this... Posted: 9/16/2008 12:09:30 PM
With all that you said, it's still not enough for me to get a feeling one way or another, except to say that it seems emotionally casual, and it is indeed stable, which is what he says he wants, in that they see each other regularly, lol.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 66 (view)

Men with teenage children Posted: 9/11/2008 5:31:51 PM
I just wonder...if the guys kids come first, and the girls kids come first, and they hook up permanently, and everyone's kids must come first, what if the kids are at odds...who comes first then? And when will the girl and guy have their relationship? When they're in bed? Will all their time be dictated by their respective kids? But of course! What if 6 months in, or worse, a year in, or worse, after you've married--no matter how much you've made them first, the kids decide they despise each other, or the other parent, and just don't wanna do the deal anymore...what then? What if you love the other parent with all your heart, and you know they're the right one for you...what then? The relationship is in the kids hands, huh? Wow.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 50 (view)

What if you are not too crazy about their children? Posted: 9/11/2008 3:57:51 PM
Wow. It just seems to me that all of a sudden, there's lots of posts here about the blended family scenario, and stumbling across them is so dang timely for me that it's freaky. I wanna thank you guys for posting so openly and sharing your experiences cause it's helped me in ways I can't explain. I think I wanna reiterate some things yall have said that particularly resonate with me, tho I probably will not add too much to your thoughts. I'm not sure yet. I know the way I see things comes with an agenda and I try really hard to not post with an agenda, so...I dunno. I'll try to offer my thoughts in a neutral way. First...oh, how I can relate to what so many of you have expressed regarding believing you could make a difference, and it's very sad for me to realize so many of you have experienced those kind of wild feelings...wanting so much to make things better, but in the end, failing miserably. Seems the harder you try, the worse it gets. Been there. You really can't affect people that don't wanna be affected, and as we know, most folks fear change. Welder, you said some things that really hit hard: but then I realized that it's like trying to change a man....you just can't do it. Amen darlin, amen. So young, so wise. :) It's really heartbreaking that my patience ran out before it all blew up my brain, but you just hit a brick wall a time too many and finally, you keel over in defeat, not knowing which end is up anymore. I left. I realized that if the dad didn't have a back bone to stand up to two kids and lay down the law, then he was not the man for me. Ouch...just ouch! I can relate...it's maddening to see so clearly what needs to be done, what IS in the best interest of changing things around so that the kids might have half a chance at survival out there in the world, only to realize it's just never gonna happen. They're on their own. How on earth does it become so easy for a parent to bury their head in the sand and just live in denial, even when witnessing time and again, the folly of their actions? I can truly understand being overwhelmed, but to fall down completely, and stay down? And worse, to shake their fist at someone wanting to help, yet also expecting them to help, but only on their terms...terms that clearly don't work? You cant just have the father and not the kids. Indeed. Interestingly, that's how most begin, building a relationship with the parent, knowing it needs to be solid before you can bring said relationship to the kids...yet the whole damn thing blows up anyway. Why? Cause the kids are in control; through manipulation and guilt, all up in arms that the way things "used to be" is under threat, and they will not stand for it. I reckon ya can't blame them for trying, but you can blame the parent for letting them get away with it. Color me silly, but I though merging families was supposed to be about creating new ways...better ways, ways that serve BOTH families? It can never be the way it always was for every person involved, and blended families are about every single person that's involved. But ack...no one wants to change. They want life to go on as they knew it, even tho that life blew up, too. Hmm.... I think its the parent you have to influence, not the children. So true! If you can't influence the parent or in some way work it out with them, it's highly unlikely you'll influence the kids, and the older they are, the less likely. You have to be on board with the bio parent because it absolutely HAS to come from them. If you try to venture there on your own, you will have your a$$ delivered right back to you lickity split. And a lil word of warning to the gentle and naive...if the kids make toast of you, so will their mother/father. You are indeed TOAST! You might as well pack up your broken heart with what lil sanity you have left. I eventually brought it up with him as I was concerned that there was something wrong, that perhaps she was a seriously unhappy girl. I got told that I was intolerant and his little "angel" (who by the way used to call him a loser and an idiot) was just expressing herself, and I either like it or lump it. Oh, wow...again, this really resonates, wow! There is NEVER anything wrong until THEY think there's something wrong, huh? (And it can be the same thing you found wrong, but you're still wrong...all that matters is how they see it, and how dare you think they did something wrong?!) Their babies are perfect, even when they are communicating to you that they hate you and are telling you to go eff yourself...they're still perfect lil specimens that are only "being a typical kid"....no problems here! I dunno...doesn't seem too typical to me, unless you're considering that they've always behaved that way, so it's become the norm? These things can work but the parent needs to step up and be a parent and then the step-parent has a snowball's chance in hell of making a difference. Well said, but I'd like to also add ...to have even the tiniest of hope at co parenting, which is exactly what it's supposed to be about; co parenting!. Why do people invite you in, then toss you in the corner and tell you if you don't like it, you can leave? Cause they fear change almost as much as death, and will just keep recycling the same old patterns. It's easier...and whenever something goes wrong, you'll be blamed cause you're the outsider. You're not blood, you don't have the same bonds...it's just so very easy to toss it all on you. I've read alot of blended family books. Most of them say that the primary parent MUST be the primary Disciplinarian. If they aren't..your in for a world of hell!! These books also stated that a non bio parent cannot be EXPECTED by the bio parent to love their kids immediately. that is an unrealistic expectation which will only cause resentment. Yep, yep. You better feel exactly what they want and expect you to feel, in their time frame, and if you don't...you're a horrible person and they can't figure out why they love you so much! I've been in a couple blended family scenarios, and it's just so weird to me that I had none of those expectations; I was only hoping my partner and my kids would have a cool relationship in which they showed him utmost respect no matter what, and they were all pleasant to each other in a "natural" way...no scenes from "The Walton's" here, lol. It never even occurred to me to expect everyone to love each other or that we'd become this story book family. I only expected healthy interactions that were respectful. And that's what played out. There's been zero trouble between them. However, I had lots of grand expectations placed on me, and for the life of me, I can't understand why. Wasn't a chance in hell I could do any of it, for several reasons. First, the kids have to want it, too. If they don't...what do you do? Still haven't figured that out. The kids coulda cared less about me or their fathers relationship...they didn't care until things didn't go in the same old way, and then they cared plenty enough to take a stand. A big stand. Sadly, they decided to take it a wee bit too late. Secondly, it's really hard to invest in someone that won't invest in you, and third, it's difficult to follow along to someone else dictating how you should feel, most especially in light of what I just said. You're supposed to feel warm fuzzies when you get none? When you're disrespected, lied to, etc.? It's just a really tall order. So, even when the kids aren't invested, you're supposed to be and you're often supposed to pull off things they (the bio parent) haven't been able to pull off themselves. Such as...even though they are irritated by something their kids did, you're not allowed to be. Oh my...don't do it! You will be cast into the pits of hell. You have to be a robot and smile pretty and be pleasant, even tho they've not done their chores, or they're smoking cigs and pot, and ignoring your kind and respectful requests to please do their chores cause you can't see the kitchen to cook in it...and you're not allowed to tell on them, either, cause that sends the message that you expect them to actually parent, lol, and they WILL resent it, and you'll be called names like "harsh" and "rigid", and probably "controlling" too. Cause, yanno, they're just being kids, and all. :) Sorry, I've gone on and on, but it's such a wild experience that just consumes you and it's so hard to not go on and on. :( I strongly caution you single folks that hook up with someone with in house kids to really, really think hard. We all wanna believe that love will move mountains and all that good stuff, and that positive will bring about positive, but life just aint that pretty and neat. Kids in pain strike out and they need love and discipline, boundaries and expectations...they need the tools that will help them cope! It is, IMO, a HUGE disservice to turn a blind eye to their behaviors and allow the same old life that didn't work before to just keep replaying, on and on. They way they cope now is what they'll take into the rest of their lives and it will touch all the relationships they embark on. I so wanted to make a difference, but I had no tools because I wasn't given any and wasn't allowed to even come close to doing my thing in the way I'm comfortable with and believe in. I'm a very loving and giving woman, I wanted to give and I wanted to help. But I could never bond or even form a relationship because I wasn't invited into it fully. It was just "OK" for me to be around, cooking and making a nice home, and talking Daddy into spending more money on them than he ever did, lol...as long as I kept my mouth shut and didn't expect anything to change, or for anyone at all to come aboard into a new and better life. I was expected to mirror him and I had no problems with that at all, I saw my role as one that was to reinforce and support his. But I was met with resistance over the simplest, most minor of things...it was never big stuff, lol, and he just wouldn't step up and do anything about it. He talked a lot of the right talk (even in therapy...they were already in and and I was invited in, later on) but he just couldn't walk it. When it became bigger things, I knew there was no hope cause he couldn't even handle the little things. It's so odd...we were absolutely convinced we were on the same page, and we were...we were so alike it was freaky! But somehow, those kids turned the page. Why won't people scoot over and make a lil room for the person they love? Why is it such a battlefield, when love is the foundation? How is that that loving foundation will crumble to bits, just cause the kids decide it should? Be very careful. It can rip your life to shreds....which also rips those kids lives to shreds. In the name of love?

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

What if you were warned? Posted: 9/11/2008 12:01:42 PM
I'm pretty darn intuitive so I doubt anyone would need to tell me too much, but if they chose to and they weren't, like, in the midst of a hissy fit and acting insane, I'd probably listen; I love a good story! But I always do my own detective work and my own thinking...that way I can't blame anyone.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

Men with teenage children Posted: 9/11/2008 11:53:34 AM
Do I silently remain on the sidelines and wait for a time he can fit me in between his job and his kids or do I move on? Given the opportunity this early on, I'd move on...really quickly. I'm big time in agreement with tuckerjo; not the language she used, nor the black/white way she seems to see it, but her overall message. She's a very wise one. Seeking parents with kids still in the home for long term dating is setting yourself up for the blended family potential, and that's very serious business: it's backbreaking work; it's REAL WORK, I cannot stress that enough--and it takes a hell of as lot more than love to survive it. Most don't, and it isn't too difficult to figure out why. Really, really think it through, please? Casual dating is one thing, falling in love and wanting to take up residency with them and blend ALL your lives together peacefully, and in a healthy way, is something else entirely.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

When kids don't want it!!! Posted: 9/10/2008 7:13:21 AM
You personally need to step back, and get some counseling. There are so many powerful emotions going on, you cannot possibly make any healthy decisions for anything or anyone right now. So, so wise. Not that I think it's his place to be making decisions for everyone, much less determining how they should react or behave. Is it possible for anyone here to step outside their own ideas/views and consider those of the girlfriend? What she might have been going through? How many changes she faced? How many times her role got switched around on her? I don't care a lick about her "being the adult" and how that supposedly means so much more is expected of her, she is still a human being...one that everyone seems to have greater expectations of. Why is that? Cause she's not blood, and will always remain the outsider, and the one on which all blame can so easily be cast? Ding, ding! Someone's gotta be blamed for things in which no one was able to control....things everyone just had to accept. That's how life is. What I can only imagine: His daughter: loss of her mom on 2 levels in which she had zero choice or ability to affect, which means she was abandoned in such a way that absolutely nothing can repair it. Nothing. Did she have a choice about living with Dad and his girlfriend? Nope. Did her feelings matter? Nope. She had to do what the adults wanted her to do. Then mom dies...what now? What does this mean for her? Just more stuff shoved down her throat that she has to accept and can't do anything about. Such an intense, crushing loss...all over again, only this time it's permanent. They'll be no more being shuffled back and forth, no more chances. Mom is gone for good. I can only imagine that the last thing she was ready for or open to was establishing a different kind of relationship with Dad's girlfriend, she had enough on her plate. But there ya go! That's what she was faced with...EVERYONE expecting this new dynamic to shift flawlessly, just because Dad had a live in girlfriend that was also a parent, that was also expected to step in and "mother" this child; a child not ready to be "mothered", even tho she may have been internally conflicted on that because, of course, she very much needs a mother. But moreso, she needed to be able to grieve freely; to be able to grieve all that's she's lost and all the changes she's forced to accept. My heart is just aching for this child. The girlfriend: lives with her boyfriend for a mere 6 months and it's all about them. Then, everything shifts and now's she supposed to openly and warmly co parent a teenager, flawlessly and perfectly, when all of a sudden, it shifts again and she's expected to not only co parent this child, but now she's supposed to also step in and mother her and be the strength/support she needs in grieving her mother's death, in the role of step mom. Was she prepared? Who amongst us handles grief perfectly? Who amongst is so perfect that they know exactly how to fulfill this kind of role, when life suddenly turns on a dime? Why does that not matter to anyone? I can only imagine that she felt uncertainty and conflict as to how to best fulfill these new roles and changing dynamics, as well as a tremendous amount of personal stress. Her life changed, too. I can imagine her natural instinct was to rush to her side and throw her arms around her and just love all over her, but I can also imagine that she was conflicted over that, most especially if she did not feel welcome to. Co parenting and step parenting isn't this thing that magically happens that is based solely on "this has to be done for the sake of the kids"; it's about the adult too. Not only does the child need to want, or at least be willing to accept, this new person to assume this role, but this new parent needs to feel welcome to assume it. Has the daughter issued this invitation? I can't imagine how she could! With all that she's gone through, I seriously doubt she was able to go there. I seriously doubt she was even able to process too many of her emotions. Dad: seems to me he's issuing all kinds of expectations for the girlfriend to do the "right" thing just like he did, only he's not in her shoes and hasn't had to do what's expected of her. All the players in this situation are from his life...she's the outsider. None of this stuff is about her, how can she possible respond as he would/did? Why is it his place to decide how things "should" be? Especially considering that, IMO, he never set things up for them to have half a chance at success. When one has expectations of another, they need to at least give them the tools to do the job. Just wanting and needing them to is not enough. Loving is not enough. Especially when one doesn't love "enough". And no matter what he wants, this invitation to parent/support/strengthen absolutely had to come from the child. If the child doesn't want it, it isn't gonna happen. (Well, unless someone does something to affect that...yanno, new dance steps, and all.) You can't just toss people into a mix (OK, I'll say it... the fire) and expect them to all perform like lil puppets on a string, just exactly as you want them to. They each have their own lives to live, as well as their own feelings, views, needs and expectations...they're each unique human beings that just might have needs, views, feelings, expectations, too. Once we embark on co parenting, so much more needs to happen, outside that decision. We have to take the proper steps to help us to succeed. Blended families are work, work, work! It's a process and it takes time to get everyone on the same page, much less actually managing it well enough. It's pretty unlikely for it to happen if there's someone that's unwilling to participate to the best of their ability. Blended families can't just "get by" like biological families, and they do not have the bonds of a blood family...blended families have to go above and beyond. As much as I feel pain for this child, I feel compassion for, and extend understanding to, the girlfriend. I can only imagine her sense of failure and loss. Being kicked to the curb sends the message that she's just not acceptable, that she failed; and were I her, I'd stay gone. I could never be with someone that expects such grand things from me, that is so unwilling to indulge my humanity, while expecting me to indulge, accept, and perfectly handle the humanity of everyone else, as well as perform the expectations they placed on me and deemed "rightful" for me...that only sees things from their own eyes. While I'm in agreement with what I quoted above regarding how THIS was not the time for such huge decisions/reactions, it's too late now. Might as well pick up the shattered pieces and fumble through the rest of it, as mere, flawed, imperfect, broken human beings. That's what we are. I'm very pained by all the losses here, and I'm sorry for them. I hope you guys will come through this more solid and secure.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Why Don't Guys Answer Questions? Posted: 9/10/2008 2:29:58 AM
It's part of the code; be as vague as possible and/or play stupid, to improve their chances of not landing in what they think will be hot water. They just don't know how to talk right.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

People seem increasingly more candid and real on dating sites Posted: 9/9/2008 8:54:25 AM
I have to say the profiles even look more realistic and less like trying to say what they think others want to hear. Nah, they're saving that crap for the forums. If you really think lots of people aren't just saying what they think will get them what they want, I think perhaps you're living under a rock.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Self Esteem or Character Issue? Posted: 9/9/2008 6:59:18 AM
Let's not paint ego stroking as a bad thing, OK? Ego stroking is cool, but allowing it to become more important than a SO is another. I'm a lil torn because I see nothing wrong with maintaining our friendships. The problem is that he's in love with her and is also trying to come between you two. That's not very respectful, and that she indulges him isn't respectful, either. I guess you made the correct decision. She may be the sort that needs a triangle such as this, and even if she ended this one, she might develop another one. And she may not be...either way, she's choosing to indulge something that is troubling for your relationship.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

What does it take for YOU to show up? Posted: 9/9/2008 6:39:58 AM
I haven't participated in any POF parties yet, but I used to participate in meets at another site. It usually went much like you described with regard to the RSVP's, no matter how many different ways it was attempted, lol. People are weird! More often than not, folks would wait til the very last minute before committing, so they could see who else was on the list. As to your questions, my answers to both are the same; a real desire to meet the people attending. They were forum buddies that I'd interacted with for years, so I already had a desire to meet them. That others I didn't know of that were also attending was a nice bonus. I love meeting people in social settings like that, so I had zero hesitance about committing to attend. For me, it's so cool to meet people in person that I've only experienced on paper or by phone...so cool! Putting together all that I'd perceived with the reality of them in person is just too cool! Our meets were always for entire weekends, and we'd plan all kinds of activities, even some that included the kiddies, but most didn't. At one, we even had Adam & Eve Reps there and we all received lovely lil goodie bags. For balance, we also went to the zoo, lol. But we'd always eat at really nice places, go clubbing, and just have a blast together. When I went, it was never about hooking up cause I was already hooked up, and weirdly, we had a nice balance of male/female. And man oh man, did people hook up!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 121 (view)

Anyone familiar w/ Fibromyalgia? Posted: 9/8/2008 5:05:16 PM
A question for you guys ~ a friend of mine in the USA has friends who have fibro who use Lyrica?? and she says that they have had success with that. Have any of you tried that, and if so has it worked?? I'm on 75 mg twice daily, and it's made a huge difference but not enough. I'm considering upping the dosage, but the dizziness is a real concern for me. I also take another medication that makes me dizzy, so I'm kinda stuck, I think. When I first take it, I feel energized, but after several hours, I become rather drowsy, tho it's manageable. It's helped me to regain use of my arm, which had been pretty worthless prior to using it. I guess for the most part, it's only taken the edge off, but I continue it because of how much it's helped my arm. (I also have arthritis, which it's really helped.) I still have days in which I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion/pain and really have to push myself to keep going, and rarely, days in which I'm just no good and have to lay around. Were it not for the Lyrica, those rare days would be the norm. I do wanna caution you about missing doses. It will make you feel like you're on fire, so be really careful about taking it correctly. I've found a great deal of relief in swimming. Nothing big, just doing laps until I can't any longer, lol, and really, just being in the water helps me. It's a shame I can't live at the pool. Hope you find some relief really soon!

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Only a convenience!? Posted: 9/8/2008 4:14:54 PM
Yikes! It's tough cleaning up after ourselves, huh? What you do is tell him that you cannot live with him any longer and that he must go. Period. (Just like his roomie did...wonder why?) Do not indulge him with a "talk", cause as you said, you're not good at it. Be firm, say your peace and walk away. Go to your room and lock the door, lol. Give him 24 hours to cook something up and if he hasn't left, pack his stuff and call the police. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior while staying in your home, under the guise of a relationship. None. Do not indulge him any further. Perhaps you have a friend or family member that you can have come over and stay with you until this is resolved? Would that give you the strength you need?

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Women hardwired for change Posted: 9/8/2008 4:06:22 PM
Uh oh! I don't try and change women whenI'm in a relationship...maybe if anything I do it subconsicously but definiteyl not consciously... I mean maybe I am secretly attracted to the "controlling" type of women... A controlling woman does not necessarily equate to a woman that wants to change you. She's more likely to want to control how things go, defines the rules, etc. In what way are these women trying to change you? Can you offer examples?

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Could you learn to be passionate about someone if there is no chemistry to start with? Posted: 9/8/2008 1:48:01 PM
After a year? I don't think so. Qualities do not make chemistry...it either is or it isn't. Now, if you care to venture into something boring (your words) and without passion, he might be the guy! However, I think it'd be a huge disservice to him, so I'd pass and let him find someone that will feel all that hooey for him. :)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

Women hardwired for change Posted: 9/8/2008 1:37:58 PM
Whoa there Nelly...he's doing both woman A and woman B? And can't find woman C? lol (Relationships are fluid. They never remain as they were when they started.)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

High maintenance definitions Posted: 9/8/2008 8:12:06 AM
Wow, some of you are a total TRIP! I've never known of a high maintenance man that wasn't a drunk or an abuser; or just plain emotionally inept. Most are fairly easy going guys that are pleasant to be with, once you're able to accept their code, and know how to best maneuver around it. :) I define a high maintenance woman as one that' s unable to function properly, on an ongoing basis, without assistance. In my world, it has nothing to do with prep work, as she's the one doing the prepping; she's quite capable of doing it for herself--and it has nothing to do with clothing/make up, hair, blahblahblah. sigh

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 45 (view)

HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED Posted: 9/8/2008 5:20:39 AM
: Do you believe that society in general will ever accept all body shapes and sizes as being beautiful? Not a chance. How can we do that? I accepted and embraced a very long time ago that there is no way I can be pleasing to all peeps and there is absolutely no reason to try to. I don't even know how a person might do such a thing. I think the very best thing we can do is take really good care of ourselves, and place our focus on what matters most to US...not someone else. I don't think I celebrate my body because it's just the vessel/packaging that what matters most to me comes in. I use my body, in part, to reveal and express myself, but I don't hang my hat on it. I dress it up and I bare it based on how I'm feeling, and I think that's what makes me attractive to some. When I feel desired, it's really easy for me to be responsive and expose even more of myself, and that's when I feel wild and free and beautiful, and that's the language my body speaks. It kinda goes in a circle, I think. I can never bare myself in the same way with each person I meet. How revealing I am and how attractive I feel depends on their response to me. That's not to say that I don't always feel attractive to people in general, I do, but how I respond to that attraction is dependent on how they react to me. If they're totally digging me, I'll bloom like a freakin flower...if they're not, then not so much. I have never felt so sexy and attractive as when I'm with someone that accepts me and wants me to be vulnerable with them...that wants me to be completely bare and open. That's when I feel off the charts hot as all get out, and I will rock their world into a new dimension. (Reading over this, I kinda sound like a freak, but I never claimed any different, lol.)

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

will we ever be happy agai. Posted: 9/8/2008 4:38:27 AM
I'm sorry...this just seems fukked from the floor up. What kind of marriage is one in which everything is all about the needs of one? He decided he didn't wanna live with his wife and that was OK? &@#!! His mind is NOT doing overtime, his mind is reacting to the actions you took, OP. As you said, you'd be suspicious, too...how can it be any more clear than that? If you wanna instill trust, you have to act with integrity....with integrity being what you do when no one's looking. You've failed in the past and you cannot undo that, but you can affect today and what happens from here on out. Live with integrity, stop looking to other people to ease your misery, focus on you and your part in this, and decide if your marriage is something you want to invest in. Do not sit spinning about what he's gonna do and how to change his feelings/earn trust...sit thinking about you and what you've done. You cannot change your husband's feelings, but you change your own behaviors. By focusing on yourself and changing the way you do things, you will affect "change".

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

Needing advice over an inner loneliness/broken heart!! Posted: 9/8/2008 4:26:20 AM
It was never really about the guy, he is just the one you happen to project your feelings onto Yes, yes! OP, I can't begin to get in your psyche and won't attempt it, but it seems to me that all these feelings aren't about him so much as they are about you. You started this thing with him in a lonely, vulnerable place and that's where you are again, right now today. You know why that is? Probably because you never left that place; you've been there the entire time. Can you guess why? Because it was never about him, it was about you avoiding your own feelings and unhappiness...which NEVER works for long. It kinda seems like he was the prop that made you feel better, and that you handled it in the way you did is not at all surprising. You set yourself up to fail...why you did that is the issue, not "why can't I stop thinking about him/get over him?". Why you can't is because when we're trying to avoid ourselves, it's easier to think about someone else and overly focus on them. Inner pain and unhappiness is not something we can lay on someone else for them to fix or soothe. We can reach out to others for support, but we cannot make them our band aid or medicine because they can't fix it and it sets everyone up to fail...it's unfair. We have to use all our strength to look back at our lives and connect the dots; to look back and understand why things happened as they did. The past is a most excellent teacher, but you have to pay attention to it. You have to be willing to go back into it and wisely accept what you can't do anything about, and bravely face what you can affect/change. And the pain? The pain cannot be avoided, else it will always be there, jumping up and down like a 2 year old, touching everything you touch, until it gets the attention it needs. The pain won't break you, avoiding it will. Facing the pain and working through it is what will give you strength, peace, happiness, and freedom to live without fear. From that point on, you won't enter relationships looking for things they can't possibly provide...you'll enter them cause you dig that person and wanna share a healthy, fulfilling life with them. Ruminating over him will just keep you sittin' and spinnin'. Ruminating on yourself will free you and help you to move forward, and into the good stuff that's ahead.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

will we ever be happy agai. Posted: 9/8/2008 3:53:59 AM
i felt alone as my hubby was never at home he has his own place, huh? I'm sorry, I just can't get past this. Can you tell us why you don't live together? So many "why's", really, but that's the biggest one.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Construction Vs. Discovery Posted: 9/7/2008 4:39:58 PM
It so rarely happens, but now I am just plain speechless. wow..

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

What ever happened to courtship? Posted: 9/7/2008 4:23:16 PM
womens liberation happened. women want to be free and casual with everything now, and enjoy things being disposable. birth control pills mean women can sleep around more with more partners and enjoy it with less worry of pregnancy. and with abortions being legal, there is another alternative to being burdened by a child. so why would a girl, want to let a sexless relationship drone on, when she could be out there, experiencing what she wants to experience and having fun. courtship is from an age when girls needed to be responsible and accountable, and those times are over. women want what they want, when they want it. And men? What did men do?

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

What ever happened to courtship? Posted: 9/7/2008 3:50:38 PM
It was an art?! Wow, who knew? I can assure you that courtship is alive and well. My husband and I courted each other in every way imaginable, and still do. Before him, every man I had a serious relationship with courted me in all the traditional ways, as I did him, so I'm a lil puzzled by why people think courtship has died. I think romance is alive and well! If anything, I think people get in their own way and are just plain afraid of going with their gut/heart, and talk themselves right out of their natural feelings; the very feelings that allow a natural courting dance to occur. Almost 60 years ago, my parents did everything you described, tho it didn't drone on and on for years...I think when you know you're with the right person, it doesn't need to drone on and on, and you don't want it to. You just wanna hook up and start a new life together.

Funny_Girl

Joined: 10/27/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Construction Vs. Discovery Posted: 9/7/2008 3:29:35 PM
All I can say is "amen"! Awesome post! (OKOK, I might say something more later.)

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