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LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 174 (view)

Why do married men masturbate? Posted: 9/11/2006 12:32:36 PM
Oh for cripes sake people this isn't about HER being uptight. What shit. Her husband chose to get out of bed, wander down the hall, turn on the computer, look up a porn site or six, and sit in the dark jerking. His other option was letting his wife know he was horny. It's an addiction, promotes lying behaviour, and isn't about the WOMAN. ****, sometimes people are so stupid. The wife probably loves masturbation, and maybe even porn, like the rest of us. Issue was how weird is it to have your man sneak around for porn and jerking in the wee hours. It's weird. And it's okay for her to question it. She WAS around. He chose the freaking computer images and didn't offer to share. You're acting like he got up in the middle of the night for a glass of water or something. Get a grip. There's a potential problem there.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

I am not sure what he wanted, Please help Posted: 9/10/2006 3:22:27 PM
RED FLAGS! They want to sleep with you and are telling you what they think you want to hear. And forgive me for saying so but you ARE the best catch ever. Toss those fishies back and wait for someone genuine and ready for a relationship.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

Ignores sexual advances.....wassup? Posted: 9/10/2006 3:18:30 PM
I don't what's happening there but I heard a similar story from a friend more than 20 years ago. :-) She was dating someone and they had alot in common...both finished university and were working in professional careers, both sporty, active, etc.. They had a good time together, went places, cooked at his place, watched movies on the couch...so after a while she realized that he liked kissing her but all in all there hadn't been anything hot and heavy. She made it clear (as you have) that she was ready...after another date or two they finally had sex. She thought it was great but when she looked at him in the afterglow she realized he wasn't glowing. She asked what was wrong and he said... "Oh, everytime I find someone I like, they ruin it by being a whore and wanting to have sex with me. I want to marry someone with morals." She later ran into other women he had dated and their stories were the same. Everything was lovely until they had sex. Then he called them a whore because they obviously didn't have the right morals to be his partner. No comment from him on his OWN morals. Not saying that's what you've got here...lol...he's more likely just nervous...but the circumstances it did remind me of whoreman.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Why do people always blame the ex? Posted: 9/9/2006 7:39:56 PM
I've noticed in the forums alot of "blame the ex" syndrome. If someone says they're not interested or they want to go slow...often the ex gets tossed into the pic as an active player by the people who respond. Why do people assume the ex is in any way involved in a decision not to date someone? My ex and I are in touch about the kids all the time. I wish him well, he wishes me well, but our personal dating decisions aren't related to each other in any way. If I say I'm not interested in someone...really, I'm not interested. The ex isn't hovering back there as an excuse. I guess I'm wondering why people aren't willing to accept that whoever you're interested in just isn't interested in you ...and that could be for many reasons...not just because there's SOMEONE ELSE. :-) I'm okay on my own. I know who'll work for me. So, if someone I say no thanks to posts a note about gee, why did they get rejected when everything was so good...why doesn't anyone think it's because not everything was so good. lol. Had to ask why the ex is always the scapegoat. Mine's gone, I'm thinking for myself, and I'm okay with being single until the right one comes along. I'm guessing many people are just like me and not really sitting around pining for the ex or keeping their options open with them either. Anyone else noticed this "blame the ex" trend? Anyone think people probably have a brain and have other great reasons to say no thanks? Just curious.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Cancelled vacation.......need advice! Posted: 9/9/2006 12:15:09 AM
I don't think there is another woman. It sounds too dumb to be true. There's something else he's embarrassed about...for instance where he lives, or maybe he got fired and doesn't want to tell you., or ... The girlfriend story is just dumb. If she's real and he cared about you, even as a friend, he would toss her and move on. Maybe the real story is he met someone over there, she's going to visit her folks in a month and then it will be okay for you to visit. Whatever the story...I wouldn't be overly concerned about it...I'd be more concerned that he was so inconsiderate regarding timing (it's okay with you that he changed plans at the very last minute? why would that be okay?)and I'd give him the heave ho. You don't own the ticket, btw. He paid for it. You should just give the money back if he bails and/or you decide not to go visit him.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

Mismatched sex drives - he just can't keep up! Posted: 9/7/2006 12:34:44 AM
I lived with this for a long time. I figured god was getting me back for having a great sex life before I got married. lol. But my husband was a very loving and devoted family man and that was waayy more important to me. However, now that I'm looking for a new partner...I'm going for someone who can keep up with me. I have more going on in my life this year than I did last year and I can see what my ex-boyfriend was trying to tell me about how tired he was and how he needed his sleep because he got up so early...(sorry babe)...so I'm not going to be as randy as I was last year. I'm still going to be above average though and plan to find someone who enjoys it as much as I do. If a man loves you...he does not tell you to find someone else. He asks you to work with him to find a solution.

laughsalot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

have you ever tried to "get" someone for saying no to you? Posted: 9/6/2006 6:11:00 PM
Dumped my other thread on this topic - it was too long so i removed it.... So Guys what's your take on this? Had two men react in the following way to me telling them I wasn't interested: Left messages for me saying THEY didn't want ME because I'm fat. They were chasing me. I said no thanks nicely. Suddenly, they no longer wanted me. Uh-huh. This is so far outside my frame of reference for how to treat people that it boggles my mind how anyone could think it was okay to leave a nasty message. And yes, I'm better of without them...I knew that when I said no thanks. Do other people really choose to leave snotty messages for people who chat with them and decide not to date them? And if you do it...why? Of perhaps conversely...has anyone else had a snotty message left for them after saying no to someone nicely?

laughsalot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

How Do You Start Dating After 24 Years Of Marriage??? Posted: 9/6/2006 12:46:12 PM
he's not happy. He's ****ing a bunch of people. very different. it's not dating. you asked for advice. being that angry is awful. we all know it. that's why we're all trying to be supportive. let go of the anger - it's useless. he hurt you. alot. and we all feel it for you. and you are nowhere near ready to date. we've been there and we know. take your rage out on something inanimate - like a punching bag, or jog, or whatever. the men on here are generally good people offering great support. if you're angry with him - save it for him. hope you end up okay.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

How Do You Start Dating After 24 Years Of Marriage??? Posted: 9/5/2006 10:47:27 PM
I don't how long you've been living alone with your son. So, it's hard to comment here but let me give it a try... I was married for 18 years. I took a little more than a year "off" before I decided I might be ready to date. I was incredibly naive. I can laugh about it now, but really, I had no clue people could appear nice as pie and really be ***holes. My entire dating experience before marrying at 22 had been: meet someone nice, date them for a year, break up, meet someone nice, date them for a year...so I don't think I had ever had more than a dozen dates that didn't end up in a long term relationship. I honestly didn't realize I had the same expectations at the end of my marriage. I'd meet someone compatible, we'd go out for a while, and it would either work or not work in the long run. SIGH. So dumb. lol. I had never been rejected until I started dating after my marriage. Wow. Ouch. Real world bruising is painful. I took dating way too seriously at first and I was nowhere near ready to get into another relationship. I am grateful to the men I met who knew that. It's very important to develop a full life for yourself without being concerned about having a partner. You deserve it and you need the time to get to know yourself again. I love theatre, concerts, the arts in general, dinners out, time with friends, public speaking and public service as well as learning new things. I didn't have a huge social circle when we split...but I've really allowed myself to be open to making new friends...both men and women. It's taken three years to come full circle to myself again and I am incredibly happy now. And ready for a real relationship again. Internet dating is very common now. Of the four single women in my office, three of us have tried internet dating. One is now moving in with the man she met here on POF. At my last job, of the four single people in our company, we all did online dating and two people were in serious relationships as a result. Be solid in who you are and what your values are. As for your son...I didn't introduce my kids to anyone I dated unless they were my boyfriend. Even then, my daughter met my one honey only two or three times, and my next boyfriend only once or twice. They don't need to be involved until there's something really solid going on. It would be easier now...they're used to me dating and they're older (13, 16 and 17) so they understand why mom needs someone in her life...but be sensitive to your son's needs as you start dating...don't ignore him to be on the computer, work around his schedule, and listen to his needs too. Confidence is key, btw! You're great and someone, someday will know. :-)

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 57 (view)

Is there an art to using the tongue? Posted: 9/5/2006 10:09:35 PM
Hmmm...I'm pretty sure I've met Art and his tongue a few times. lol. Absolutely great advice here. Use your fingers, different pressures and rhythms are nice, LISTEN, and keep going. If something is working...don't speed up. Keep doing it just the way you are. I had one lover who would stop and just look at me...tell me how beautiful my **** is...how much he loved being with me...then he'd kiss it gently a few times...before getting back to business. Of course, he knew me very well and actually meant it...not the kind of thing you should use as a line. For goodness sake move around. Lick, lick, lick in one spot is terrible. Explore, enjoy, involve yourself in her pleasure. I love almost getting there a zillion times - and thrashing around trying to escape. lol.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

Just when do you commit to coffee? Posted: 9/5/2006 4:20:27 PM
I called and told him it wasn't going to work. :-) I was being ironic when I wrote "commit to coffee." lol. That was exactly my point. We expressed interest over several weeks, had a nice long conversation, so let's meet and see if it works. It's just coffee. I'd rather spend 30 minutes enjoying your company than spend hours on the phone or online. If it works, great. If not, no problem. Thanks to the poster who wondered if I was doubting my decision...nope. Just thought it might be useful to see if the norm for me (talk/meet) was the norm for other people. Everyone has different comfort levels. I guess I've dated enough to know there's not alot of point in investing hours and hours online or on the phone because people turn out to be very different in person. I've never had anyone stall on meeting before. If they're serious about finding someone and they enjoy me then they're in. He had never been married, had no kids, and didn't leave any info when we were messaging each other about when to reach him etc.. It would have been a long shot to have it work for me. We kept messaging each other which I liked because it showed reliability. But, I like clear communication, and family men with a history of loving relationships. And yes, we had talked about that. :-) Won't settle. :-) Know what I need and am happy I recognize it. I met someone about a month ago that made me go, "Oh, HE really does exist." I guess that's hovering here too. I know how that moment is going to feel, and the kind of man who will meet my needs and whose needs I'd like to meet. I don't think this was the one...nice as he was...definitely need a better communicator. Thanks everyone!

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

Why is a man's career important to women? Posted: 9/4/2006 1:34:15 PM
There are lots of men who want someone who does more than fill in online surveys. I'm wondering where you get the idea most men don't care what their woman does? I'm only interested in people who are engaged in an active and stimulating life...not just surviving another day. Same goes for the partners I've gotten along with...they all have alot in their lives and the motivation to explore more whether that's through travel or the arts or challenging each other at Scrabble. I don't judge people for their choices...if they're happy...great...but if they want to be in my life then we've just got to have some common ground. That's all the men I've met were looking for too. It's the whole person they look for...not just their face but what they do and how they live.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

She wants to be friends but we still fool around.. Confused Posted: 9/4/2006 9:48:17 AM
Um, she is willing to hurt her sister. See a problem with that? What is your question? Is she relationship material? Nope. But not because of the sexual stuff...because of the lack of character...and the obvious cultural barriers to anything more. Find someone who can give you a great blow job AND an open, loving relationship. :-)

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Just when do you commit to coffee? Posted: 9/4/2006 12:27:32 AM
I don't know if you guys are right about over-analyzing. :-) Maybe. But, at 43 there's a different set of dynamics working and more to listen for I think. I've been online dating for almost two years and the times it's worked it's been simple, easy communication and if one person suggests a time that doesn't work, the other always offers a different time. We'd already waited through two weeks or more just trying to talk to each other again on the phone...so, setting a time for later in the week would have been fine. But, he didn't ask for that. I do like the idea he simply wasn't prepared to go the distance and make a date on that call so didn't know what to do when I suggested we hang up and have coffee somewhere. Bottom line is I like confident guys so I don't think this one is the fish for me. And no, this wouldn't be the only indicator of that...no point rehashing our entire conversation here. :-) I'm a little sad that after two weeks of telephone tag, and plenty of anticipation that this one fizzled...but I trust my gut. Question remains open though - do people usually spend alot of time talking on the phone before meeting? I'm with the poster that said meeting gives you the real person whereas yakking online or on the phone gives a very different impression. I'd rather look into your eyes and see you smile.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Just when do you commit to coffee? Posted: 9/3/2006 5:39:36 PM
Situation: Guy I met through a newspaper ad called me and we played telephone tag for a couple of weeks. The messages were short but funny. He finally reached me last night. We chatted for 30 minutes and then I say, "Do you want meet for coffee?" But he can't because he's heading out to meet friends at 9. No problem. He says he'd like to call me again. I hang up, think about it for a few minutes and wonder why the heck he didn't just say, "Can't do it tonight. What are you up to tomorrow?" Wafflers are easy to spot... I'm ready to call him to say thanks but no thanks and the phone rings. It's him. He wants to know if I like a band that's coming to town. We talk about the band for a minute or two and then I tell him what I was thinking about the whole can't make a coffee date thing. He says, "But I need to talk with you again first." He also makes noises about where I live (about 40 minutes from town). I tell him if that's a problem now then it's probably not going to get better in the future...He asks again to call me again. My question is WHY? Do any of you do this? Call, seem interested, and then waffle on making a firm time for a first meeting? He was interested enough to call back and ask about that band that's coming to town...so what gives? Do people really spend alot of time talking on the phone before getting together for coffee? Why? It's JUST coffee not a lifetime commitment. My feeling is you're either in or you're out...not putting people through several phone interviews before setting a time to meet. Just meet, see how it goes, you either like them or you don't and it's cost you nothing. :-) Guys, what's your take on this? Talk alot first or jump right in?

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 51 (view)

Its those days of the month.... Posted: 9/3/2006 2:52:53 PM
Best thing my spouse ever did was get a sense of humour about it. He didn't **** at me or make me feel guilty for snapping at him occasionally and he didn't mock me either. He just treated me with love and gave me some space. Back rubs, chocolate, hugs, and not picking fights are the best things to do. Keep a sense of humour. This is the woman you love and she's doing her best but even the best have bad days. Just let her know you love her even if dealing with the raging hormones is a pain for both of you. It's also fine to say, "Hey, sounds like you're having a hard time. I'm sorry I can't help. Do you want to talk about it or would it be better if I call you back later to see if you're feeling better?" Acknowledge her feelings (complete misery from my experience) and offer support. Sounds like you want to help, enjoy her, and stick it out. Good for you!

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Could use a opinion Posted: 9/3/2006 1:05:15 PM
I agree with the other posters. Your grammer is bad, the jumping icons are a pain, and there are alot of red flags in there. If you're going to mention an interest in becoming a game designer then you might want to say what you're doing to achieve that goal. Instead of listing all of your extended family...you could just say you're close to your extended family and love to spend time with them. I'm not sure why you feel you have to explain why you don't have kids. You're only 27. You also say you like to go out...if it's worth it. WHAT? What does that mean? Makes you sound uninspired and lazy. Your pic isn't all that good even though you seem to be a good looking guy. I'm seeing someone who was blotto at a wedding and can't even see the camera because his eyes are so glazed over. Get a different pic taken - outside with you smiling. You asked for feedback so I'm going to say my impression here is you have a deadend job you don't really like, you're not very well educated but think you might like to be, you've had lousy luck with women and lack confidence, and you haven't grown up yet and probably live at home. There are no interests mentioned so maybe you don't do anything but work and play computer games...completely unappealing to most women. I think you should probably figure out what you want in life before you try to figure out what you want in a partner. You just don't seem ready. But, whatever you do, good luck and stay safe.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

~ A Passion for Sex ~ Posted: 9/3/2006 12:30:21 PM
I've found this kind of sex comes from knowing your partner well and being free to express yourself physically with them. I had a partner off and on for a year and when we first met it was fine but not extraordinary. Then, as we relaxed and trusted each other more, anticipated and appreciated each other, the passion grew. At the end, it was amazing...the kind of moments that take you to another plane of existence. The passion isn't just lust..it's a real interest in finding a way to please your partner and loving offering that to him...and vice versa. You know this person loves being with YOU and it binds all the excitement into a much greater whole. I want that again. A full and complete loving relationship including passionate love making that makes our bodies and minds exhausted. :-)

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Chemistry- Romance- 1st date? is this possible- necessary? Posted: 9/2/2006 11:35:28 PM
Oh you guys are going to puke...my ex-husband and I set our wedding date ON our first date. I was waiting for him, turned, we looked into each other's eyes and that was it. We went on ten dates over about three months, moved in together, got engaged two weeks later and married about four weeks after that. Lasted 18 terrific years. Believe me, after that experience, dating was a bit of a shocker. lol. What? You don't love me after three dates? How odd. Did you notice how cute and smart and loveable I am? Cause I am you know...no, no, look again...see...I'm fabu. (Sigh. and then she found reality...) Feel completely happy my life unfolded as it did and only hope to find something as organically right like that again. Have found the chemistry a few times, the mental stimulation, and the laughter but nothing lasting. Still love one boyfriend but he's not able to love back. Real bummer. :-) But a woman well-loved for 18 years just isn't going to live with anything less. Dancing in the living room and being excited to see my partner come through the door at night is something we had almost to the end. I want that again. So, yes children, you can find a fantastic love on the first date and "know."

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Seeing your Ex's Profile Posted: 9/2/2006 3:10:25 PM
I was poking around on here one night and that strip of people's photos that shows up caught my attention. There was my ex. Holy cow. I'm still very attracted to the bits of him I liked and it was weird to see him advertising here for another woman. He's got 8 pics up, and he's gorgeous. Fortunately, I'd recently seen him again for dinner and to see his pics of a big trip to Peru so nothing he's got up surprised me. I've seen it all before. :-) The funny thing is he hasn't changed his profile in four years on any site he joins. Never had a long term relationship and there's a reason for that. lol. I love him and am glad he was in my life it's just shocking to see him rattling off the same lines. He talks beautifully, he's funny, articulate, smart...but has the depth of a dish rag. It's his world first no matter what the circumstance. I needed someone who could be a partner and desired that. Couldn't make it work no matter what we did and that's not entirely his fault. lol. I was pretty needy last year. Found my ground and am standing tall and happy now. So, long story short...weird to see him here but I don't think about who he's with or what he's up to. Having him here feels more like I've lost some of my privacy but it's not that big a deal. Finding him on the BBW dating site was a MUCH bigger deal! lol.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Why does he do this to me? Posted: 8/22/2006 9:24:19 PM
He wanted to know where you work in case you end up working with someone he's about to date. Just move on. Don't ask yourself anymore questions. You're fine and the pain and anxiety will dissapate soon.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 76 (view)

I'm not attractive? Hey, you're know beauty either Posted: 8/19/2006 11:35:30 AM
Well, at the risk of embarrassing myself, I'm chipping in here. Men often contact me because they think I'm the bottom of the barrel and therefore more willing to date them. Please do not send me notes about MY self esteem. lol. When I say "No thanks," they really don't get it. I MUST be desperate, right? Jeez... Now there's a way to a girl's heart...let her know you think she's a dog. lol. My friends have said I need to change my pic. It's not great but it's pretty representative of what I look like - short, fat, redhair, happy. I'm not going to look any different in person. :-) Fortunately, I've had lots of interesting men interested in me so I'm clear that looks aren't a huge deal for most people. Actually, once they see me smile at them, they're pretty much goners. lol. I admit I'm as vain as the rest of the world. I like that gorgeous men have liked and loved me. But I've probably rejected just as many. I don't go for skinny men, or guys with dark curly hair usually, or guys who talk about themselves for 20 minutes in the first go on the phone and never ask a question about me. I know who might work for me and who definitely won't. It's not personal. I go on personality, maturity, sense of humour and intellect. If you're average looking and you make me laugh, I'll be just as happy as having mr.studly next to me. The great men who have been in my life, those gorgeous or average, have felt the same way - wow, here's a terrific person I want to spend time with. Men who lack confidence are often looking to have the rest of the world confirm their choices for them. And who needs to be with someone like that? Happy

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

When you read a profile, do you read their forum posts? Posted: 8/16/2006 10:59:05 PM
I definitely look for it but had a really odd experience with someone who had read my posts and then asked me out. They mentioned a couple of times during the date that they really "did their homework." I didn't think much of it until he started a short rant about Chinese people and then stopped dead, said something neutral and changed the subject. Can't remember what else came up but it was only after I got home that I put the pieces together - he'd planned his conversation around my forums posts and had self-censored once he remembered that racism was a complete turn-off for me. It was actually pretty creepy. He thought he "knew" me from those few posts and modified his behaviour and conversation to match all night. I want an individual, not a manipulator. Yuck.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Am I too comfortable with my single hood or overthinking??? Posted: 8/16/2006 7:21:52 PM
Sounds like you're ready to have a real relationship. lol. One where there's someone in town to come home to. The key is finding someone whose life is as busy and happy as yours. Last year, I wasn't as busy and tried to make it work with someone who'd never married and lived by a routine of workouts, friends, etc.. I was just another activity. Complete failure even though we danced around for a while...This year, I'm crazy busy and suddenly understand how things were for him. It's me that needs the happy, busy guy now who wants the love and isn't high maintenance. Who knew that would happen? lol. Just find someone is the same place you're at. And go slow - maybe it could be you and your girl against the county instead of taking on the whole world. :-)

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Ever feel lonely AFTER a date? Posted: 8/5/2006 9:36:53 PM
Ah, that was an interesting post...the old spark question...Yes, sparks could fly there but the setting was all wrong - too hot, too distracting, too busy. A quiet chat in a slow-paced coffee house would have been better. I looked into his eyes, listened to his voice and how happy he was and felt incredibly comfortable. That guy I'd like to kiss hello at the end of the day. Know he's going to laugh at my jokes, rub my feet, and remember that ice cream is one of my favourite things. Romantic, thoughtful, simple, glad to be here and with me. Nice long fingers for the sexual spark, too. lol. But no way to overcome stupid half-thoughts like telling him I'd heard from 11 men the first week my ad ran in the local personals section. I didn't get to the part where his name is the only one I remember and the only story I cared about. He heard about the gardener who called that I couldn't place. Jeeeezzzz. Agagagagahhhh. His first impression is, wow, calous thing aren't I? Can't remember which man I'm talking to. Yes, I'm projecting but OOOUUUUCCCHHH. He seemed to have had some weird experiences and not be ready to trust that I'm real. Mom to three teens, hard working, ethical, loving, funny, busy, genuine, aw, you get the idea. Couldn't have a real conversation given the setting and the way we started off - should have stopped it right then and restarted asking pertinent soul-searching questions to reveal my depth and astuteness. lol. He bought me ice-cream in the middle of the work day after he skipped out of work early just to meet me because we're both incredibly busy in the next week. He couldn't wait. Rode his motorcycle into downtown traffic and picked me up at my office smiling. I didn't realize until later that my ad mentions ice-cream. He was meeting my needs before even meeting. Instead of analyzing or regretting could someone just arrange a do-over for me? :-) Less lonely today and do appreciate whoever the right guy is must be getting closer - and the poster who said this man opened my eyes to the right man being a skinny dude was completely right. If I'd seen him on the street it would have been just another set of legs walking by but knowing his smile and voice could please me this much means I may try to be more open about "type."

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Ever feel lonely AFTER a date? Posted: 8/5/2006 9:25:14 AM
It's great to have a community of singles to share this with. To the poster who thought it meant something deeper - well, no, I've developed a beautiful full life and am very happy at the moment. I went to a comedy show last night about family life and it clicked why I felt lonely. It's just grieving for my old life. This guy reminded me that it was possible to have another partner in my life and simultaneously reminded me what I no longer have. Even a happy person can feel the desire for a real companion. It's not the "needy" thing that happens sometimes. I'm clear. It's just the realization that, nope, you haven't found the one yet and it might not happen at all. I used to joke about it taking seven years to ferret a new partner out of the world...it's not so funny anymore. :-) It's already been three.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Ever feel lonely AFTER a date? Posted: 8/4/2006 11:55:33 PM
I guess I should have. The rest of my message said I couldn't tell what happened at the end of the date and ... AND I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID IN THE REST OF THE MESSAGE ... sigh. It was something about being nice to meet him and good luck with things? I'm sure I said something more encouraging than that but my brain is dead apparently and it's not coming to me. I think you guys might be right. The misery came from finding someone so close to what I'm looking for. We talked briefly about how you know you're ready for a new relationship and I told the story of putting up my towel rack one day, having trouble with it falling off, and not having anyone to tell. Just one of those moments when if you had a partner they might actually care that there's hardware struggle going on in the bathroom. :-) It seemed to resonate with him. He said, "That's when you knew. You knew you were ready for a new relationship." It was like he just completely understood for a moment. But not only understood, had felt the same way. So freaking hard to find someone in the same place as you are. Past the rabid dating of when you first get out there again, past the first couple of disasterous relationships post-marriage, and into a good space where you're complete, happy, and busy but that connection is missing - the one that comes with a goodnight kiss or a cup of coffee in the morning. Thanks for your support everyone. I guess this date touched a nerve instead of getting on them. :-) LaughsAlot43

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Ever feel lonely AFTER a date? Posted: 8/4/2006 5:58:21 PM
Went on a date this afternoon. First meeting. Very sweet. My date came downtown from the boonies to take me for ice cream. It's a very hot day here. On first sight, not really my type but the humour and chemistry I look for were still present. He was much taller than I expected and skinnier too. lol. But still, as we sat to enjoy our ice cream, I liked the smile in his eyes. He's smart, hard working, easy going, and has a sense of humour that I enjoy. It was a little awkward - my feet couldn't touch the ground from the bench we were on. It was a busy day downtown - lots of people roaming past at a quick pace, traffic right beside us. But we had an hour and gave her a go. Nice enough, wanted to kiss the ice cream off his lips. Nobody made a move - not the kissing bit - just no indication either way if we'd see each other again. We left it with good wishes for our evening plans (we're both seeing friends tonight). It was afterward that I felt really lonely. Oh, so even when I meet someone potentially compatible, it's still going to be an arduous journey? Blech. I've enjoyed dating but now's the time for a real partner, I guess. I guess if we'd really clicked one of us would have said something...I'mtrying to listen to that. I liked him. I guess I should have said so. :-) I've left a message for him on his machine thanking him for the date. I just feel so freaking empty right now. Has anyone else felt that way after a date?

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

How long did it take to get your life on track again? Posted: 7/23/2006 6:33:24 PM
I think it just happened for me. This year, recently, I finally got to the stage where a new relationship is optional and not a goal. Life is full, happy, and comfortable. I'm doing things I enjoy, laughing alot and finding new challenges that pique my interest and my mind. I took a year off after the split and refused to date anyone. It hurt but I think it really was the best thing I could have done. I spent another year or so banging around in the dating world finding out that the world really is like a bad movie sometimes and all cliches exist for a reason. Having a lover for the past year has been good for me. No commitment but a good man who was interested in me, my life and could give great phone. His most redeeming quality was complete reliability. The attention was good for my ego, and I didn't need to be anyone but myself for him. In other words, he was low maintenance. lol. And at last, at the end of three years, I am in a place where I'm happy with myself and the future looks bright. Don't need a partner and although I'm dating, I'm happy whether it turns out or not. Still don't like tirekickers though...those are guys who date you even though they're pretty sure they're not interested. Kind of like a test run. If you haven't experienced this, it's a bit hard to describe but if you've been there you'll know exactly what I mean. I try to avoid people new to dating for this reason...they have no idea what they want. So, three years to get on track. Friends said it would take at least two. At the time, I thought they were nuts but they were completely right. Married for 18 years. Am ready to be divorced. Not doing it because my medical isn't covered at work and the ex is keeping me on his. But would if I could. Totally ready. :-)

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 105 (view)

The things you miss miss most about being in a relationship... Posted: 7/22/2006 10:56:33 PM
Aw, I had a great moment earlier this year that made my heart ache for a minute. My boyfriend surprised me by walking into the bathroom as I was lying in the tub before bed. No, he didn't join me or wash my back...he was humming and then he brushed his teeth at the sink. Might sound dumb but it was a moment that brought back memories of what it's like to be part of a couple. You're in on the intimate, little moments of someone's life. I want those moments again.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 71 (view)

.........Stretch Marks........... Posted: 7/18/2006 10:32:14 PM
This is an excellent question. To be honest, it never occured to me to feel badly about my stretch marks until I dated a man who had never been married and had no children. I wasn't sure he'd be thrilled with them. After our first time together, I asked him if the roadmap on my tummy bothered him. (He's a fitness buff whose body is hard and beautiful.) His answer? "Well, I wondered if you might have been involved in ritual scarring at some point in your life but it's not going to stop me from enjoying your body." I cracked up. Never once in our time together was my weight or the flabby stretch-marked tummy an issue. He knew I carried three children to term and had three sections. Not an issue. He even enjoyed playing with the stretch marks - letting his fingers trail over the ridges - as part of the magic of great foreplay. He openly kissed my tummy on his way to other places too. :-) None of my other partners has ever said anything and the one I've enjoyed the most loves to look at me openly. It's quite the turn on. I'm guessing he wasn't too concerned with the marks...he was too busy thinking about touching the rest of me. lol. Honestly, the best thing to ever happen to women was the advent of those reality shows where they redo you. I don't mean because we should all run out and have cosmetic surgery but because we get to see that other people have saggy bellies or other issues, just like us. And isn't it great? You're NORMAL.

laughsalot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

Dating a separated woman Posted: 7/18/2006 1:24:47 PM
Hi, My ex still walks into my house. We've been separated for three years. We're great parents together and that's not going to change no matter who comes along. We'll never live together again or be involved in any way but that relationship is part of the package with me. I'm not giving up my kid's father for anyone. He's in their life because that's where he belongs and I'll talk to him all day everyday if that's what it takes to raise our kids. He lives about four blocks away in a condo but he's welcome at my place anytime. If that woman can handle knowing her husband's new lover, and part-time caregiver to her kid, then applaud her for that. It's no easy thing to keep that relationship going when things have been sour on a personal level between you. I gritted my teeth every day for more than a year whenever my ex came over. She'll move to a new job when she's ready. She's thinking of her daughter and how easy it is to trade off the kid when she looks at where to live. As for whether or not the message she was giving you was "go away," I don't know. But I can guarantee a single mom dealing with as much emotional upheaval as she has been handling (her spouse is with a new person!) really doesn't need more demands on her right now. She's doing the best she can. I say back off for a while and then talk to her again when you're more ready to accept her life as it is.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

I have the chance to finally give him what he deserves should I Posted: 7/15/2006 7:53:29 PM
He doesn't owe you anything but an explanation and no explanation will ever cover what he did to you. Let it go. You can't get emotional satisfaction from creating more misery for yourself. Don't talk about it. Don't moan about it to your friends. Just move on. Your peace of mind is worth more than $10,000. Instead of spending money on a lawyer, spend a few bucks on a counsellor who can help you cope with this guy coming back to town after breaking your heart. Honestly, totally not worth giving the guy any more energy. He's a "douche" as my kids say. You've got to move on.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

should i back off? Posted: 7/15/2006 7:35:20 PM
Hmm, from her reaction and the little info we have to go on, may I suggest another reason for her reaction? It might not be jealousy or insecurity...it might be he lied to HER about who you were, then when you "stepped things up" he realized he'd taken it too far, confessed to her and could have said anything from you chased him mercilessly to you're a psycho stalker woman. I'm guessing she doesn't care if he has other friends who are women, but clearly she's onto the whole coulda been you thing. He was talking with her for MONTHS before you guys stepped things up. Sounds fishy. That said, yeah, back off and give them some space. I totally wouldn't want to be near anyone who'd been playing kissy face with my man recently no matter how cool they felt being around us. Let them enjoy each other without judging her reaction. If he really wanted you in his life, he'd say so and tell her too.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

is this man too perfect? Posted: 7/14/2006 10:02:24 PM
Doesn't use the phone? Can't he afford one? Or is he afraid he'll get your voice mixed up with someone else's? Have you actually been to his house? Met his friends and family? Who in the world can go to Mexico and then suddenly decide to stay for another week? Where the heck does he work? He married someone he dated long distance...short term relationships...won't live with anyone... I think you might have a con artist on your hands. If you can afford to go to Mexico for a month, maybe you have some bucks? Romance is wonderful. Most people don't have time to create scrapbooks of their lives - they're too busy living them. Enjoy the romance, and the attention but unless you're an active part of his WHOLE life...I wouldn't invest your heart here.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

completely ignored first meeting... Posted: 7/14/2006 9:51:09 PM
Yup, I agree with the girls who say this was just creepy behaviour. OP you could have talked to her. You chose not to so why whine about it? I've gone to meet people and walked straight into the coffee house, ordered something, waited for the order and NEVER looked around. I wait until I'm ready to sit down and then I have a look. I don't want to be scanning the patrons as I come in (and the place I go also has an outdoor deck so it would mean really gawking at people ;-)). I'm usually a little nervous and this routine helps me focus and be comfortable. If someone was near me before I started really looking around, I probably wouldn't notice them. Afterall, I'd expect my date to introduce themselves if they recognized me first. If someone just lurks near me, it wouldn't mean a thing. I don't think there's a woman in the world who would waste her time on the kind of revenge you're suggesting. Why bother? We have better thing to do. Maybe she thought you WEREN'T going to talk to her so she left with hurt feelings.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

internet dates from Hell Posted: 7/11/2006 11:11:09 PM
Really frustrating to read you were uncomfortable and yet you STILL went over to his place. Wow, I don't think I trust this guy, how about I go over to his place alone? Um, nope, bad idea all the way around. He was wrong to grab you but I'm guessing that wasn't the first hint he gave you that he thought his tongue would like to get to know you better. Just say no works really well BEFORE you're alone with a guy. Here's hoping when your gut tells you something, next time you'll listen. Glad you're safe, btw.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Dear Ladies: I beg to raise the smoking issue? Posted: 7/9/2006 10:59:02 PM
Smoke smells. I've only dated one "occasional smoker" and that was because I couldn't tell he smoked. Still can't even though I've seen him with his cigarette pack. He's perfectly clean, his home does not smell, his clothes do not smell, and his car does not smell. He smokes outside only and only occasionally. He never smokes before he sees me. However, when we wake up in the morning, the stench of cigarettes surrounds him because it leaches out as he sleeps/sweats. It's gross. When my kids come home from a smoker's home, they take off their clothes right away and toss them in the washer. In goes the sleeping bag, pillow and anything else they took as well. I've been taking the bus alot lately and believe me, you can tell when someone is a smoker. The smell is awful but they are blissfully unaware of their impact on fellow passengers believing that they butted out outside and that was the end of the smoker's experience. Yuck. I can pick off a smoker anywhere. It's in all their clothes, their hair, their breath, blech....I've turned down every smoker who's asked me out except for one. It would never work.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Physical defect on a guy Posted: 7/9/2006 10:48:35 PM
I wouldn't think anything of it UNLESS my man wouldn't let me touch his chest because of it. It took me some time to get used to my man touching my fat belly (um, yuck)but then it became incredibly freeing. I would only get turned off if I had to detour around the defect or my man refused to talk about it. Yours is a pretty common defect. Both my sons have it and we've seen it before. We've decided not to go the surgery route because it IS a big deal. Only time to consider that is if the heart or lungs are being compromised. Otherwise, it's pretty much just an esthetic thing. We've found the boys are both fine with whipping off their shirts because the rest of their bodies are toned and "normal." And one of my guys has a depression in his chest the size of my fist so this is no small deal. Would it surprise me to discover my new lover had some physical flaw? I guess, but I'm hoping he'd be too busy helping distract me to worry about it. :-)

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 46 (view)

1st Annual Mini Golf Challange (Islanders Vs. Mainlanders???) July 15th Posted: 6/30/2006 12:31:26 PM
I'm maybe. Just depends on my son's baseball schedule. Loved the bonfire in Esquimalt a while back...this sounds fun too! Am taking the summer off of dating, I think, so just coming for some fun. M.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

I dont get it Posted: 6/25/2006 2:08:39 PM
Forget the people saying you're a doormat. You're not. And, likely, she's not the whore it appears to them she might be. Her divorce sucks. It's turmoil, she feels like crap, he might have ****ed around, or whatever and she needs to sow some wild oats as she trips her way though this crap. Millions of people have done it. She's not where you're at. Doesn't mean anything about you or about her. Just not the same place. She's been clear about that. Just got out of a commited relationship and in no hurry to jump back in. I don't see the confusion. She's been clear. You're just choosing not to hear her. She can't be your partner. It's okay to move on. If this will ever turn into anything...it's going to be a while and you don't need to be miserable and a victim wondering when she'll slow down. You're going to end up resenting her because you're so self-sacrificing but reality is she didn't ask that of you. She said no. I hope you find someone as ready as you are right now. But, if you look at your profile, it doesn't seem like that's what you're really after. Maybe you give off mixed signals too.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

The V Card Posted: 6/23/2006 10:41:13 PM
Well, he wasn't a virgin but he had almost zero experience. He was a nice guy with a gentle personality. I'm not interested in virgins but this one young guy (28) was so sincere about "learning" that I caved. Completely wonderful experience for both of us and his gratitude was nice not amusing.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Need Advice IMMEDIATELY...HELP!! Posted: 6/17/2006 10:01:53 AM
Call him again. What's the big deal? Just call like you'd call a friend - hey, are we still on for Saturday? Great. If I get there first, I'll wait for you at the bar. If he fudges in ANY way...not sure about time, have to stop by a friend's first...end it right there. I've said stuff like, sounds like Saturday might not work for you, tell you what, a friend has invited me over for dinner that night so why don't we do something together another day that works better for you. Then tell them you'll leave it to them to call you Monday to set that up. If they call...great. If they don't call..no big deal.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Would you dump her if... Posted: 6/15/2006 10:32:52 PM
Ah, I had a boyfriend who had this problem occasionally. Problem was he wouldn't acknowledge it. We'd get into conversations about how he didn't want sex all the time, etc., but we could never call it what it was/.//an erectile problem. He had the body of a god but the penis just didn't match the body. I NEVER let him know the SIZE wasn't enough for me and sometimes we had the raunchiest sex going so interest wasn't an issue. Just could never talk about the fade-outs. I finally asked about organic versions of viagra at a sex shop...unfortunately, my boyfriend wandered up behind me and asked what I was looking at. Kind of an awkward moment there. Amazingly, he still refused to talk about it even after seeing what a problem I thought it was. Well, as long as HE was happy I guess everything was fine. So dumb. Would have been so easy to talk about the fade-outs and work together to make it all happen beautifully for both of us.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

boyfriends jerking off to porn. Posted: 6/14/2006 9:48:12 PM
Porn addicts do exist and the problem ruins families. It's not about insecurity or childishness. It's about hours and hours apart from their loved ones, getting tired and miserable and being unable to participate in family life, spending bucks, lying, hiding the problem, and the complete disrespect one has to have to visit the problem on either your partner or your kids. Calling anyone a name for disagreeing with your desires is unacceptable. There are no rules around what someone can or cannot tolerate. When you care about the other person, what bothers them should matter to you. It's okay to say, hey, jerking off to porn is something I'm not willing to give up so we're over, but don't blame that choice on the person who's not wild about what you're doing. It's your choice...you own it. I like porn more than I like you. End of story. People break up over all kinds of things. Or choose people for all kinds of reasons. I don't date smokers, for instance. No comment on their choice, just making one of my own. Porn is good. Extremely hot. Have my own preferences for sure. But, should be a shared thing, or an okay-with-your-partner thing, not a "I'm going to jerk myself happy and lie about it" thing. That said...if you're single...enjoy whatever you like whenever you like it.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

Something new for me...waiting Posted: 6/1/2006 6:53:59 PM
And so the saga ends... He was tire-kicking as I suspected. Just out to casually date some people and not really ready for a real relationship yet. Someday I will listen to myself. lol. Still think he's a nice guy. Just new at all this and not understanding how going out with someone who clearly says they're looking for a relationship means THEY'RE CLEARLY LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Sigh. Newbies. Sheesh. He'd still like to see me but without the intention of it being more than casual and occasional dating. Am so not there anymore. Going to start another thread on practice dating... Thanks to everyone who contacted me here and privately. The forums rock.

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Something new for me...waiting Posted: 5/31/2006 8:42:56 PM
I've met someone who lives more than three hours away from me. We had a good time on our first date, want to see each other again but the soonest opportunity is about three weeks away apparently. This has never happened to me before. To be honest, I don't know what to make of it. Every other person I've dated has been really eager to see me again, actively finds ways to get together, and it's fun and exciting. I believe this man is sincere, hates driving (used to commute this distance), but this is so outside my experience I'm kind of puzzled. Yes, I want to say he's just not that into me, but don't want to disappear a good thing based on a vague feeling. Maybe he's being completely sincere. I suspect he is. And so, I'm curious, how do other people handle things with new people? Slow and easy? Dating multiple people in between? Usually want to be around a new person alot and soon? Has distance been a big issue? I love the anticipation of seeing my new beau but THREE weeks? ack. lol. Btw, yes, it HAS occured to me he's living with someone or married. Help people. Give me some points of reference on what the rest of you are doing. Integrity

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 94 (view)

Why do some women back away from fingers? Posted: 5/28/2006 10:01:40 PM
My vote goes with the person who said dry hands might be the problem. My ex had lovely technique but he not only chewed his nails but his fingers as well. I just couldn't stand having his dry, scabby hands on me. Completely gross. He didn't see the problem. Had a lover of late who I would happily attach permanently to my life to have his hands on me. lol. I intend to take the time to teach my next love(r) how to please me this way. Nothing better than slow, wonderful play for both of you. Man, I love being over 40 and clear about what I want. :-) If your lovers don't have alot of experience or just alot of bad ones, then they don't know what pleasure they're missing. Once they trust you to listen to them, I'm guessing they'll be more open to exploring things you like. And thanks in advance for all volunteers for the love(r) position ;-) but I'm waiting for passion of the mind and heart to match physical passion before jumping in again. ;-) Integrity

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 121 (view)

Victoria - Bonfire @ Esquimalt Lagoon, May 13th. Posted: 5/14/2006 11:33:12 PM
Thank you to Doc and his partner in crime! I had a great time. Went expecting to meet some new people, relax and have some undramatic, uncomplicated fun...worked out great...had to work the firepit a little to get around to meet lots of people but once I managed it things were simple enough...I'm pretty sure all the men were named either "John" or "Chris" which made things simple... Nice trick getting the moon to rise on the horizon and light the way across the water to our party. Don't know about the rest of you but there were certainly a couple of people I wouldn't mind seeing by moonlight again. ;-) Watch for a handle change soon. Apparently, this one seems cynical...go figure! lol. Integrity

LaughsAlot43

Joined: 10/30/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

Whats it mean when she says You scared me Posted: 5/5/2006 9:30:09 PM
I don't know why THIS girl said it but if it's the second time a woman had said that to you...it might be that you talked about something that they didn't find "funny." For instance, once you decided you were staying, you say something like, "Keep one eye open...you never know if I'm a serial killer. haha." Or, you ask what she's afraid of, or stuff along that line. Very creepy. I've had guys make dumb comments on dates and that's enough for me to say no thanks to date number two. I'm not a mindreader...no way to know if THEY"RE a whack-job or just a nervous guy...and it's not worth my safety to find out. Integrity

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