A few questions for the ladies chat & forums.

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loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

A few questions for the ladies Posted: 6/20/2008 10:53:21 PM
I noticed you said, "due to previous relationships and being cheated on I feel she could be lying..." Did you notice you said due to YOUR previous experiences and not due to her behavior? If you have caught her in a lie that's a different matter, but if you are behaving insecurely and keep checking up on her, then you're going to spoil the relationship, you know that, don't you? I think the best way to prevent someone from cheating or lying to you, is you just treat them really well, and don't ever take them for granted. Nothing will guarantee you won't ever be hurt, but if you are a great person to them then they won't be looking for better.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Out of character behaviour has given him doubts.. help! Posted: 6/20/2008 10:38:23 PM
hi IndigoTiger. I also wonder if things just went too fast for his comfort zone. It's a tricky thing figuring out when to show you really care, and when to let them make the next move. Sometimes a guy will appear cool when he's getting overwhelmed, and when that's happening it's generally not a good time to declare love, but rather give him a little space to work it out. Having been in similar shoes once, i know it's not easy to wait when you really like someone a lot, but if i had my own situation to do over again, i would be more patient! If you had that great a time together online and for the weekend, they will want to see more of you, but they will need time to get comfortable, so i would try to focus on other parts of your life for a week or so, and then see where they stand. good luck!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

For Musicians - Could you date a deaf person? Posted: 6/19/2008 10:42:46 PM
I'm a visual artist and i dated a musician who was blind. Not only was his blindness not an issue, but we actually enjoyed talking about art with each other. And he could hear things in music that i did not notice, even though i am a hearing person and love music. So both of us would share our own experiences and knowledge with each other, and we appreciated new things we learned from eachother. No two people have identical experiences, so don't all good relationships share beyond our usual experience?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 52 (view)

Art vs. Craft Posted: 6/19/2008 10:32:07 PM
I think part of the problem with deciding if pottery is an art or a craft lies in the fact that there is a wide variety of pottery. It's a somewhat similar situation as photography. There are photographs that are clearly art, but what is a photograph used in advertizing? Or a passport photo? Pottery is usually (though not always) functional, and sometimes the maker or designer is only thinking of it's function in a very utilitarian way (someone had to design the plates that sell in dollar stores). Often we think of functional pieces as craft, particularly when they are making similar objects in mass. But is anyone here familiar with why DuChamp hauled a toilet into a museum and called it art? Or why Warhol repeated the image of Campbells Soup? They wanted to point out that the line between art and non-art is not so well defined. Toilets and soup cans and Brillo boxes had to be designed, also. Some would say the designers did a good job and are under-recognized, others would argue a toilet cannot possibly be art. So whether pottery on the whole is art or craft would not be possible to answer conclusively. The other problem with deciding whether pottery is art or craft lies in the word, "craft." Craft is quite a catch-all phrase! We might say of someone, "they're a fine craftsman," when we see something of incredible beauty and skill. But craft is also a word we use to describe plastic canvas tissue box covers and gluing macaroni to a paper plate to make a mask. Anyone who has labored a career over learning how to make fine ceramics tends to cringe to be lumped in the same category as these, and i can certainly sympathize with that. So sometimes i use the term, "artisan work" to describe fine craftsmanship.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

Do you attract certain types? Posted: 4/12/2006 6:39:06 PM
Which same thing can't be said for love?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

Do you attract certain types? Posted: 4/12/2006 6:30:58 PM
I think it can sometimes be true we attract what we are, but i can see exceptions. For instance many adult children of alcoholics may not be alcoholic themselves, but might attract relationships with people with drug or alcohol problems. And this thing about people who attract liars.... there is something i've noticed. Often they are very sweet people who WANT to believe in others, but they often get very torn up when they hear a truth that is ugly. Consequently, their partners, who are usually also very caring people, and who don't want to hurt them for anything, may start telling them what they want to hear, rather than the truth. In short... i think many people who've had a lot of relationships with liars, need to work on their own attitudes of making it okay to hear and live with truth. .... Now Gloria Steinam had another theory. She believes we are attracted to people who possess the trait we wish WE had. So if we wish we were brave, we're attracted to brave people. If we wish we made a lot of money, we're attracted to people who do. If we wish we were more spontaneous, we're attracted to people who are. And her point was, we should be that trait ourselves, rather than trying to live vicariously.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

Meeting Strangers Posted: 4/12/2006 6:11:41 PM
Saying hello is fine. If they ask, "what do you want?" How about following it up with, "I wanted to say hello!" I mean, DUH... what did they expect? hahahha ...you know, i think this illustrates how silly people can be. THEM, i mean, not you! It's silly to pass hundreds of people every day and pretend they aren't there, and even sillier to have someone say hello to you and pretend you didn't hear it. But i think maybe, they are just startled and don't know what to say in response to you, so how about asking mild questions instead? Like, "Are you taking classes here?" "Do you know where i can get a cup of coffee?" "Do i look okay? I have an interview." (In the grocery store as they are putting something in their cart) "Is that any good?" Anyway... you get the picture, and can adapt it for the situation. I think it's great you are open and friendly. Don't let anyone make you feel out of place. It's them, not you.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Talking with fellow fishers Posted: 4/9/2006 9:12:12 PM
I didn't know until i signed in on a friend's computer that my pop-up blocker blocks the IM from POF. I don't even know when people are trying to IM me.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

holding back Posted: 4/9/2006 9:05:23 PM
Speaking only for myself, I noticed i find it very easy to say hello to men... unless i'm really interested in them! Backwards, hunh? So i've thought about this because i wish it were otherwise and i know it has to do with having been hurt in the past, but i still don't know how to fix it.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Problems with living in a small town... Posted: 3/12/2006 11:24:52 AM
There is a bright side. Even though a small town is limited as far as the sheer number of people you can meet and the places you can go, you are more likely to find things in common and the same outlook on life with the people who live in your town.... including the desire to expand beyond the fishbowl! Trust me, you will never be the only one thinking the way you do, even though it feels that way sometimes. Somewhere, nearby, there is someone like you who is also lonely, and wondering how they could meet someone like you. I've tried a couple of ways to meet people locally (other than the internet) that you might want to try. I asked my married girlfriends for help. I told them a couple of qualities i am looking for in someone, and asked if they knew of anyone, and then asked for a way of being introduced, like both being invited to dinner. I also found it easier to meet people when i was working in retail, and i was actually thinking of taking up a weekend job in a coffee shop soon just to meet people. Another thing you might try is entertaining more and asking your friends to bring their friends. I haven't done this yet, but parties are good places to meet people. Let me know if you try any of these ideas and how they work for you.... it might help me! :)

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Im Emotionally Scarred and I need help Posted: 3/10/2006 6:51:17 PM
I have an unusual suggestion, Quarri. I started listening to hypnosis cds a while back and i'm really amazed at how they make me feel. I started with one, "Learn How to Think Positively" and i was so happy with it, that i got another, and then another, eventually getting one on relationships. I wish i'd had the relationships one when i was going through my big break up years ago, it would have saved me so much pain! It's very healing. It makes you feel good and relaxed and secure around others, and fills you with those happy feelings of love. Anyway it's by Glenn Harrold and it's called, "Develop Successful Relationships." I know i sound like a commercial here, but i can't say enough good things about it. I recommend it to anyone who feels wounded by a past relationship who would like to start feeling better! Please let me know (any of you) if you get it and like it!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Is there such a thing as intimacy with no guilt? Posted: 3/1/2006 2:44:24 AM
The only thing i can guess is if by "relationship" (his quotes, not mine), he meant adultery. I hate euphemisms, they always leave things ambiguous. Is that what you meant?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Different is groovy:).....or is it? Posted: 3/1/2006 2:41:02 AM
Sometimes people are attracted to someone because they have a trait they wish they had themselves.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

Head Vs. Heart Posted: 2/26/2006 9:47:36 PM
I'd heard this a long time ago, but it took me years of mistakes to believe it: We are who we define ourselves to be. So choose thoughtfully! Be careful how you describe yourself to yourself and others, as if it is how you are and you can't ever change. With a will to, you could change anything about yourself. Aristotle was first to say that in each great virtue there is a complementary fault. The generous person, for example, may not be very good with keeping their wealth or wise about their own needs and the needs of their family. But none of us are stuck with one way of being. We can choose to be however we wish at any point in time. You take pride in your protecting, serving, and accommodating your friends, and bemoan your neediness. Do you wish a better balance between the two? Are you willing to give up some for the other? If you really want a little more independence, you can have it. But first, you have to CHOOSE this. You have to WANT it. You have to believe in it's value and be willing to change some of it's complement.... perhaps be a little less accommodating to others, and a little more respectful of yourself. Devotion is wonderful, but independence also. And neither devotion nor independence is virtuous in it's extreme.... I'm not saying this is you... but someone of complete devotion may ignore their own conscience if it doesn't agree with the person they are devoted to. Is that a good thing? I can't think so. They may also be desperate and annoying when another person needs their own space. Clingy. They will frequently betray their own best interests... healthy interests... for loyalty. Codependency falls in this category. Similarly, someone of extreme independence also has issues. They can be unfeeling towards others and sometimes very selfish. They are likely unable to build stable partnerships and perhaps have trouble with intimacy. A balance might include... knowing when to follow your own conscience and listen to your own needs. Getting out of any relationship that isn't healthy. Being a great friend, but also telling them what they need to hear, not just what they want to hear. Helping others to be better people because you aren't so accommodating. Liking yourself more and respecting yourself more. Being able to survive the loss of friends (everyone loses friends). Being with friends because being with them is a joy, not because you can't stand to be alone. ...and there are so many other things a balance might include. You can be whoever you wish to be. You decide.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

AAAAARGH.. I want him and I want to kill him - all for good measure Posted: 2/10/2006 9:43:39 PM
i wish... i could tell you only what you would enjoy hearing....but the first thing that sprang to my mind was... you need to remember you can't MAKE him do anything. We don't have power over other people like that, and even if we have influence it isn't good for us or them in the long run to use it like that. Put your effort into helping yourself feel as balanced as possible. Keep in mind too... if he is used to women throwing themselves at him and trying to possess him, this may be the root of his hesitance, and he's not going to appreciate it if you do it as well. I really think your best bet is to feel good about yourself, know that you are a valuable woman, whether or not the fool recognizes it. Wait and see, but be determined you're going to feel good about yourself no matter what he does.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

Incapable of intimacy. Posted: 2/8/2006 10:33:33 AM
Maudlin: Thanks for the suggestions, I am seeing a pattern to the advice I get, but I don't think you would understand unless you've dealt with the same difficulties. If the advice is going to have merit, it will need to be from people who ARE successful at intimacy, not from those who aren't successful at it. From reading your replies, i think you've fallen into the habit of "finding a fly in every ointment." You admit that you are not good at intimacy, and yet you've shot down every suggestion from any of us based on "you don't understand" or other "reasons." If you are unwilling to try any suggestions from those who are finding intimacy, then you're going to be stuck where you are.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

are women playing GOD when they become pregnant Posted: 2/8/2006 10:15:15 AM
oh good grief! oh yes, women are God... that's why we're in charge of everything, get paid more, have more political power, are subject to laws around the world that control their bodies, have women's shelters, etc. etc. How do you come up with these things??!!!!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Incapable of intimacy. Posted: 2/7/2006 11:19:05 PM
Yes, there is definitely a way of doing it. You need to think of this like exercising muscles that you have not exercised for most of your life. You can't go and successfully bench press right away, you aren't ready for it. If you have tried to bench press and couldn't, don't take it as evidence you never can. It will simply take steady, daily practice, increasing the challenge little by little, and yes.... being patient and persistent!... but if you do that, success is assured. I have to say, and this is only my personal opinion... that though therapy is certainly often successful, in my observation sometimes it encourages people to magnify in their mind what's wrong with them without leading them to solutions... this is not what therapy is for. Whether it is successful or not though.... is up to you. Do you want to find out why you "can't achieve intimacy"... because if that is what you are looking for, i'm sure you can find in the DSM-V "reasons" to support why you can't or a poor therapist who will only agree with why you "can't" do things and pat your hand and take your checks. Or would you rather find things to try and reasons why you CAN have intimacy and have someone point out that you do have some now that you can continue to build on? Whether you choose to have therapy or not, only YOU can direct your cause in the right direction. Your choice. Back to intimacy. Step one: You can't get there if you don't know what it is! How are you going to define intimacy and measure your progress? Are you chasing after an ideal that doesn't exist and therefore you can never get there? Do you maybe have some intimacy now but don't know you do? Can a therapist help you sort out what intimacy is? What is intimacy going to be for you... what would YOU like to achieve? These are the questions you need to answer first. I haven't really thought about it much myself, but i would say the ability to be intimate includes being able to communicate fairly well how you feel inside, to communicate what you think without constant editing, and to allow yourself to show vulnerability with someone you trust (so that you can feel yourself with them, and also get support and help when needed). Intimacy is something that helps us to feel loved, because when we don't share our true selves with anyone else, how can we feel we are loved and accepted for who we are? You also mentioned, "The "indifferent" side of me ignores everyone and everything." I hadn't thought of this as an intimacy issue before, but i think i can see what you mean. I think this is also something you can practice. I don't usually tell people this, but as it might help you... i had to teach myself when i am hungry. I won't tell you the whole of it, just that I learned with practice by checking my watch, and you might be able to do something like this. You can set your watch to give an hourly chime, and each time you notice it, use it as a reminder to notice the people around you and where they are at... if they look happy, sad, bored, or whatever... and what they are doing and saying. I think another part of intimacy in a relationship would be being trustworthy, so that others can be intimate with you. Aside from the obvious aspects of trust, i think in your case you might want to figure out how you are doing with being constant for people... if for example, people have told you that you suddenly drop away, that might be something you may wish to improve on. Or if you won't listen to them if they have a problem would be another... what i'm thinking of here are ways you can be "safe" for others to care and rely on you, so they can be intimate with you. I think though, from what you have said, it is more the second situation that is key for you. Sorry if i've rambled on... i'm a bit tired at the moment and i sometimes get wordy and formal when i'm tired. I hope this has helped you a little, and i wish you good luck. I really do believe your desire is completely achievable! Please don't label yourself (with the DSM-V or otherwise) into believing you can't bring about great changes and have wonderful relationships and connections with others! Sometimes in life... sort of like a horse race... we come from behind to win the race! That you have the heart and desire to do this says a lot about you!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

Long Distance Love? Posted: 2/5/2006 9:40:27 PM
You need to know, therefore, you need to talk to him! I know its scary to think "he may not be that into you"... but even if that is the case, better to know that now because it won't get any easier, and if he is that into you... and one would think he is.... you'll want to know that now, too. I have to say i think 90% of problems between two people comes from not bringing up and talking about what they need to or want to say! Break that habit now, and it will work well for your happiness. You are a bright woman and you have been talking with him for a while, i'm sure you will find a way. Do it now... not valentine's day. Valentine's day isn't the issue. good luck!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 72 (view)

Romantic Valentines Day Gift Idea Posted: 2/5/2006 9:15:33 PM
happytiler: My brother told me about a girl at work who was having a heart shaped pizza delivered to her boyfriend on Valentines Day; she was so excited and thought it was a wonderful idea. He wasn’t impressed and said it was such a girly thing to do, suggesting that guys could care less what shape a pizza is. He mentioned that she would have been far better off to buy herself some sexy lingerie and surprise him in bed with something kinky. No... she's far better off with another guy! [snort!]

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

What would you say? Posted: 2/5/2006 9:03:59 PM
oh dear. bad, bad, and more bad. If i were you.... i'd have nothing to do with either of them! It is NOT appropriate for you to answer her questions, even though she is distressed... because she's not coming from a good place. Answering in any form cannot help her. Also... it looks clear to me that the guy does not know how to have healthy relationships. He's bad news. I hope you will not be tempted to talk to him. I don't see any way he could bring good for you.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

The funniest getting dumped story Posted: 2/5/2006 8:45:46 PM
You're just too deep for them, Ocean. I see the humor in it, too. (She's laughing at the GUY, folks!) Good for you for bringing up the issue with him... better you learned his true colors sooner than later! "i'm dumping you... you're friend always" hahahahhahahahahahahaha! What a confused puppy!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

How do you stay positive that you will fall in love again? Posted: 2/4/2006 11:05:44 PM
Last year i was feeling the same way, but slowly it changed. It sounds so trite to say it takes time... that i don't want to say it! I wonder if it's sort of like when you can't sleep and you try to sleep and you still can't sleep!.... but if you only try to rest, you often fall asleep while "resting".... what i mean is.... as much as you miss your ex, perhaps you aren't at the point yet to fall in love, but if you look for good company, people who make you smile and you can spend time with, at some point there will be change.... the memories will soften, you're new habits become old habits, and the new people in your life will seem closer. I've come to believe that falling in love isn't just something that happens TO us, it is something we DO.... we "fall".... we let go, is what we do. Without realizing it, i think we commit... we "go for it." Perhaps this is why the young seem to fall in love so easily... they just jump right in. It's risky... they may not be right for us. We don't know much about them yet. They may not return our feelings. Yet when we look at them, we see the best in them, and see what they can be, and see good things that are perhaps not even there... yet. And when we still love our ex, new people can't compare. They are not as handsome, smart, kind, familiar, etc. ....especially the familiar part. It takes time for a new person to become familiar, to build good memories, and a history together. It WILL happen that you fall in love again, but for now, perhaps just seeking your own happiness and trying to take an interest in others would be a great start. good luck!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 470 (view)

What do you hate most about being single? Posted: 2/4/2006 10:40:52 PM
Yes, that's when i think of it too... crawling into bed. The thought of reaching out and touching warm skin, holding eachother, listening to breath or feeling the rise and fall of breathing. Lovely! ...and then there is being woken in the middle of the night, too! :D

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

thoughts on love Posted: 2/1/2006 4:12:42 PM
x143x: sit here and search myself .. Realizing that I need to stop running ... Stop searching and looking and just simply start living in today ... God knows I always had so many dreams in my heart that they often over ran my reality ... Not letting me focus on now .. Just kinda fogged the present into a culmination of many what if`s .. A lot of maybe`s and a ton of hurtful never will`s ... I just look at love as such a special and amazing thing that I always believed that I was a good enough person to have one of those amazingly special loves ... That one in a lifetime deals ... Yanno the "soul mate" ... I guess I realize that I need to focus on my own favorite quote in more than just words ... Cause we do find love in someone by loving them with all there imperfections .. Loving them purly and honestly .. Giving them more than we expect in return ... I have found that a hug can erase the anger of spilt soda ... That an I love you kiss can sooth a unexpected 1500 dollar credit card bill ... Not making the worry go away but putting them in there proper perspective .. Importain .. But not the end of the world ... Holding that the awe of having someone so special far exceeds anything else ... I want to walk in the insanity of dreamers .. Where love feeds, sooths and heals ... Idk ... I`m silly to be sure .. But I believe the love I have inside .. Has that ability ... And can caure that effect ... But maybe that`s what I need to wake up from ... Who knows ... All I can be is me ... Honest .. Loving .. Soft silly and sensetive ... Take me as me cause its all I know .. Typos and all lol wooooooooooWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

Are you really open minded......here's a dilemma need some advice Posted: 1/30/2006 10:32:58 PM
I think how well it works for two people in a relationship to have other platonic relationships depends on the emotional maturity of the couple and how responsible they are. I've been lucky... it's never been an issue in my relationships because i'm very trustworthy and also have not been with anyone with jealousy issues. I have to say though, i've known a lot of couples who had "open relationships" and they meant by that they agreed either one could have sex with others... and in these cases it was always clear to me that one person in the couple called the shots the way that suited them, and the other person was being manipulated to going along with it and usually talked a good talk, but, usually these relationships self destructed dramatically... and quite painfully for the person who did not propose the arrangement. The ones that didn't, are not in my opinion, healthy either... there are other indications of one of the two being controlling.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 46 (view)

Cheaters.....Their Judges And Jurys!.. Are We Not Missing Nine Commandments? Posted: 1/30/2006 5:25:28 PM
blindheart1: Maybe what I am trying to say is , that it seems to me a man can beat his wife to a bloody pulp, even on a regular basis, and as long as he doesnt cheat on her, people on this site, will not judge him as harshly as a man that has provided for ,and never raised a hand to,... but yet has committed adultry. This is what I truely do not understand ! You're not speaking for me in this, nor i think for many others, and i'm rather surprised you came to the conclusion that people are leanient about beaters... but then, i haven't gone into that thread presently up... what is it? "How many of you think women provoke being hit" or something like that. If that's where you are getting this, i'm not sure that thread would be a reliable source of public opinion. I think though, perhaps you don't see that adultery can be, and usually is, a form of abuse as well, and can even be an abuse that precedes physical violence. Either of the abuses negatively affect the self esteem of the wife or partner, disregards their welfare, and harms their emotional security. (Part of the official definition of abuse is that the harmful action is repetitive... and this is what makes a one-time indescretion or one time loss of temper, possibly exempt from being abuse). The thing i found particularly interesting in your comment was this: ...I do not necessarily mean a choice between an abuser or a cheater only, but also the choice of being independent. How many people stay in bad relationships ? Quite a few for the ones who know nothing different for fear of not making it on their own or from being brainwashed into believing they cant make it on their own and that nobody will ever want them.... The actions of both feed into each other. The more a woman is abused (or man) the lower her self esteem... the lower her self esteem, the more she feels she can't make it on her own. There are always moments of respite, ...abuse goes always in cycles... and when the abuse is not active, the wife or partner just wants to regain strength... but the cycle always repeats before this happens. When we're on the "outside" looking in at a bad relationship we can't understand why people put up with being treated that way. I used to be that way too... and would get all righteous... but now i understand how it happens....because it happened to me. It's much more like quicksand than you might think. I've read a lot about abuse relationships, and it really helped. One author wrote something that sticks in my head right now and i think addresses part of your question, "most women weren't aware they were being abused, they only felt that something was very wrong, and usually left the relationship for other reasons." ...i'm paraphrasing as i remember it, but that comment i think came out of the book, "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel.... a very excellent book. Another thing i found interesting about what i read on the subject, is that current authorities understand that emotional abuse ALWAYS precedes physical abuse... break the spirit first, then the body. The current theory is that it really is the same abuse relationship... merely different stages in it... though some never progress to the physical stage. They've even researched and documented in-between stages such as physical accidents... stepping on the partner's foot... sitting in their chair... crowding them... blocking their path, etc. Experts are getting smarter at predicting what will happen. My personal experience was the very quick escalation of verbal and psychological abuse. When i sought help, they described me as battered, and i said, "oh no, you don't understand, i was never hit." They said, "no, YOU don't understand... you were battered." Now i understand... it's the same problem, just different parts of the timeline.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

What is it like to be in a healthy relationship?? Posted: 1/30/2006 1:23:47 AM
I think i've probably been luckier than most to have healthy relationships, and i'm finding your question challenging to answer. I can easily tell you what a healthy relationship ISN'T.... there isn't substance abuse, other addictions (like gambling or other severe money issues), verbal or physical abuse, cheating, habitual lying, vindictiveness. In a healthy relationship there is respect (i'm talking about the action of respect, even if the other person isn't behaving at their best at the moment), honesty, communicating and coordinating together to achieve mutual goals, there is the attitude of caring for the welfare of the other person even if you get nothing directly in return. Listening! Talking... even things sometimes hard to share. Compassion.... this means things like forgiveness, gentleness, and letting old arguments be over. Rules will be clear and apply to both people. And there will be fun and happiness.... i think this is part of it, too... because if you aren't happy, even if the relationship is healthy in other ways, it's not where you should be, and it's best for both to break up.... and if you don't, you aren't making the right choice for yourself, and a relationship can't work that way. What your question made me realize is having a healthy relationship has a lot to do with who YOU ARE... what your code of conduct is, and also, that you know how you (everyone) should be treated fairly and you will insist on it every time (healthy boundaries). I'm not sure how to say this but it's like, if you don't go INTO a relationship with a healthy state of mind, you aren't going to be able to make a healthy relationship with someone. Healthy + healthy = healthy relationship. You have to have some steadiness... because constant drama or insecurities will undermine a relationship. You don't necessarily have to have a great self-esteem, but definitely the more you have it, the better your chances of success (and that's actually proven by research). Self esteem helps you to be steady and clear about what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and it takes away a lot of the insecurities that cause problems in a relationship. Does this help?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Cheaters.....Their Judges And Jurys!.. Are We Not Missing Nine Commandments? Posted: 1/30/2006 12:57:25 AM
I feel no need to harshly judge cheaters, but then again, i've never been cheated on. But i have to say, i don't think you can look at it as only cheating... in a relationship where someone cheats... there are other things going wrong, including lack of honesty. Honesty is pretty essential to intimacy, i think. Someone holding back a secret, being deceptive, how are they still being a partner, a team? See... there's a definite separation there. They are no longer being considerate of their S.O.'s wellbeing and feelings. I don't see how that can be good.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 63 (view)

Internet Mind Games! Posted: 1/29/2006 5:22:55 PM
Don't listen to them, they are being mean. You were sincere yourself, SendMeADream, and open and caring. I think that's worth a lot more than people who are so cynical and close-hearted they're never taken in by anyone. My guess is it was just someone lonely who doesn't have real relationships. They were very wrong to be so dishonest with you and toy with your feelings, but we know nothing about them, really, because they lied.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Soulmates... Posted: 1/26/2006 10:28:44 PM
I'd like to see that study(s). Sounds like a load of hooey to me. Yes, it is true that relationship commitment anxiety is on the rise. But then, ALL kinds of anxiety are on the rise, and this has been attributed to many causes, including toxins in our air, water and food, a more stressful fast paced society, and overpopulation. How could you possibly isolate factors enough to come up with anything conclusive where you can say, "yes this is it, this is the cause!"? And attributing stalkers to the "soulmate theory" as well.... that's bogus. All sorts of crimes have been on the rise for decades... again attributed to a plethora of causes.... and so is mental illness on the rise, or at least seems to be, particularly when viewing certain kinds. Is the rise in child molestation also to be attributed to it? So this article you read... i just noticed... it attributes BOTH a lack of attatching to anyone, and unhealthy over-attachment to one person, to the same cause. Doesn't this strike you as improbable? It sounds like this article is about the calibre of MSN Today or the Yahoo News.... those articles shouldn't even be called journalism they're so bad.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

Anyone here from a large, close family? Posted: 1/26/2006 9:47:07 PM
Everyone's responses are really great. Like i said, i feel like i'm learning so much! I've always felt kind of "odd man out" because my family is not there for me. Even though there were three of us kids... i was much younger and didn't know my brother and sister hardly at all... strangers, really. My mom and sister are long dead now, and my brother... he's an idiot... hahahhaha. He won't see me. And our parents were rather different from other families, in that they expected their kids to be quite independent, and independent thinkers, at very young ages. There are some things that i find hard to appreciate in their parenting style. For instance, last month i suddenly realized.... that my sister graduated 2nd in her class, Summa Cum Laude from Columbia University's graduate school. My brother... top of his class in law school, and passed the bar in four states. I graduated Phi Theta Kappa. We all really excelled... but do you think either parent came to any of our graduations? Even high school? no. Not a single one. I think that's just quite strange! It's like they didn't know how to celebrate any of our successes or happy moments.... and i think that is one reason family is such an issue for me in dating. It's that carrot, dangling in front of me... i want my true love, but i also want a partner and a family... of close friends if not his family and our family. I was married, and was part of that family for many years. It was awkward for me at first because they made it clear in the beginning they didn't exactly want me. But they warmed up fast and i learned about teamwork and trust .... and asking for help. Giving it was always easy for me, but not receiving it. I really love having family. I just don't at the moment, know how to get from point A to point B.....

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

Anyone here from a large, close family? Posted: 1/25/2006 5:29:07 PM
WOW. I'm still just blown away. There are so many great responses here... you really all had something very interesting to say!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Anyone here from a large, close family? Posted: 1/25/2006 5:27:12 PM
Wow! I am so glad all of you wrote!! You should see me, i have tears welling in my eyes. I feel like i'm learning so much! Leo-Goddess, i'm probably the most like you. srv4ever: you said something that especially struck me, " As far as dating sites it all depends on the person and what they want in life"... i think, from what i'm hearing everyone say... some with big families some without... that it is especially true. I'm like an only child, (i should explain that....my sister and brother were much older than me and i only lived with them as an infant. My sister died before i knew her and my brother won't have anything to do with me... i've only seen him once briefly in the last 15 years, and he won't keep in touch)... so i'm very alone, but i'm by nature a very social creature. Even though i'm introverted, i need to be around people and i love the social bonds you are describing... helping each other out and such. I feel it keenly when i can't participate in a social group and belong. I'm seeing... from all of you, that sometimes other things happen. Some of you with large families are close and happy. Some of you are not close and unhappy, but some are not close and content. It's like srv4ever said: it depends on what you want! So now what can we do with this insight?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Anyone here from a large, close family? Posted: 1/25/2006 9:31:08 AM
Thank you, The One WHo.... that helps me understand it a bit. I'm sort of (effectively) an only child, so i don't really know what it's like to have a close family, except from what i see from the outside looking at my friends.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Anyone here from a large, close family? Posted: 1/24/2006 10:24:41 PM
hmmm. That's an interesting perspective. More lonely than having no one to celebrate your birthday, for example? Or are you thinking of those awkward holiday dinners where you're the one without a partner. I still think that would be better than having no family celebration at all. One of the things i was wondering, was if siblings help with introductions, and also if people from close families are less likely to join a dating website. Not sure we can tell conclusively on that, but it would be interesting to discuss.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 102 (view)

IQ, Important or not Posted: 1/24/2006 10:15:14 PM
allie panda: depends how high you're iq is.. when you start getting up there on the scale you start developing social skill issues..(it typically occurs around 150 on the old scale average being 100-110, the new scale is different and i am unfamiliar with it) What are you basing this on? My guess is you are stating your opinion...based on personal observation only... and not referring to any study. I would be interested if there were any evidence of your statement, but i doubt it is significantly true. Yes, we all know the terms nerd and geek... but i think there are popular false assumptions on what it is to be a genius. It's sort of like the general public thinking that all gay men are effeminate. No, sorry. Some gay men you don't know are gay because they are so masculine you assume they are straight. They are right under your nose and you don't know it. And all geniuses are not socially challenged geek stereotypes, either.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Anyone here from a large, close family? Posted: 1/24/2006 9:53:02 PM
I'm very curious if their are differences in dating and feeling lonely between people from big, close families versus people with small, unsupportive or emotionally distant families. If i had to guess, i'd say there are huge differences so i was wondering what everybody thinks on this and what your personal experiences are?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/23/2006 10:37:36 PM
Marvelicious: Stop looking so hard. . .I believe there are NO accidents and that people enter your life for a reason. didn't your mom tell you "if you watch the pot it will never boil"? Learn to love yourself and have fun while you're waiting. Actually the advice my parents gave me, was that if i really wanted something, i should ignore any discouragements and go after it.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/23/2006 10:33:11 PM
fuzzzer: Actually Dear..I think that there are a lot of us with the same problem. I'm afraid we can't offer any advice if we don't know the answers ourselves. I've seen a lot of bitter people on this website and with good reason!! I don't think bitter is the answer, but then I don't think settling it either. I have a list about a mile long of what I want in a guy...a lot of which is flexible. Unfortunately when I find a guy who I really think would make a great match, he's not interested in me. I told my best friend that my back up plan is to get a house, a lot of cats, room with her and grow old, whistle at construction workers, and talk about the good old days. We can get a bigger house if you want to join us! Good luck. COUNT ME IN! Where's the nearest construction boom? Hey... perhaps between us.... we can have a house built?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/23/2006 10:28:08 PM
Cinncat, i am sorry for what i said. I have a bad habit of sometimes thinking i understand more than i do! Thank you for taking it lightly.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 59 (view)

The keys to a healthy relationship Posted: 1/23/2006 10:16:02 PM
Crunchberries: Really?? Ok, for the doubters....when did respect...obviously squirrly, when it is mutual, but hell, even one sided if necessary, if only so you can still say you were respectful....anyway, when did respect not work in a relationship?? One of the BIG problems I see is that people DONT accept responsibility for their own behavior.....so how is that not doable...not possible?? Can you allow others to bear the consequences of their own behavior?? You bet you can. By making a decision and walking out the door if they violate your boundaries. You dont HAVE to put up with it. Can you care too much?? Yep, its called letting your girlfriend buy a bag of dope and bring it home instead of paying the bills because you are afraid of what she will do. Thats called enabling, and it has happened to me before. Will it happen again?? You bet it wont, that is for DAMN sure. Changing someone, no way. Wont try it. Those four things are not only the keys to success, they are the keys to not being personally insecure. Its called knowing you can love it or leave it anytime you want to. Its called not sitting on the fence, hoping things will work. Its called telling someone what your boundaries are, and sticking to them. I have lost people because they did not accept my boundaries. I would rather stay single than to have my own boundaries violated again. No way, no how. So where did I go wrong?? Or is it that I just forgot the other 8 steps?? ...but that's just it! I entered your post because i thought you might be talking about boundaries, but i don't see that this magical list of four things you produced says anything about maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries are a very tricky thing, particularly for someone who's had them violated in the past. Usually if one of our parents did not respect healthy boundaries in some way... if they were abusive... we're likely not to be clear ourselves in what a healthy boundary is in that aspect. Say for example, they belittled. As a kid, we didn't know that wasn't okay. If they called us dumb all the time, we didn't think it was THEIR problem, we thought it was because we were dumb! As an adult we often find ourselves in another relationship where we're getting belittled... it's familiar, and often we put up with too much crap. A healthy response is THE FIRST TIME inappropriate behavior happens, you put your foot down and you tell them to cut it out, this is not acceptable. If it happens again, and they aren't making a sincere effort to change, it's probably time to leave. But practically speaking, here is where i see the challenge happens for most people who've had their boundaries violated in the past... firstly, we often don't KNOW when a boundary has been violated or we aren't really clear on exactly what it is. A lot of times i've seen women overlook the first lies they hear as not being significant... and then get hurt when the lies get bigger. How many of any of us could name all our boundaries in a relationship? None of us. Because we usually only notice a boundary after it's been violated, and a lot of times it may be violated again and again and AGAIN, before we finally decide it is not acceptable behavior. Even AFTER we learn it is not acceptable behavior, then we have to bring ourselves around to the decision that we aren't going to put up with it. We already love them, we don't want the relationship to end, but we're already neck deep in crap. Okay, and that brings us around to the next part. Every time i have seen in myself or others someone trying to learn to enforce a boundary where they hadn't previously.... it's HIGHLY STRESSFUL (understatement) and the attempt to enforce it goes into a choppy, emotional, superdrive, where often we aren't behaving at the best, either. What's more, if this boundary is going to be set in a relationship where it's been violated before, you can bet there will be a lot of resistance on the other person's part! And here is the third thing i've learned about boundaries, or even rules in general... if it can't be equally applied, it's not a fair rule. In other words, say for example you panic when it's past 11 and they are out and haven't called home and you want them to call 100% of the time. So you say, "I need you to call me before 11 if you're going to be out late,"... well if you can live by the same rule, and they agree, then everything is fine. But if you are asking for something that you couldn't also live by or you are never out at 11... then the behavior that needs to change is YOURS and not theirs. In other words, we don't get to set boundaries all willy-nilly. Crunchberries, you asked, "where did i go wrong?" ....but i think there is a wrong assumption in that question that you DID go wrong. Now obviously i don't know the details of what happened, but i've been in what i think is a similar "head" and i think there is a problem with that question.... it doesn't allow anything less than than your perfect behavior to be acceptable, and perfect does not exist. I like the idea of taking responsibility for our actions, etc., but i've learned in trying to practice it, that it can be taken too far. People are complex, two people together are 100 times more complex. You just do the best you can, and sometimes, for no known reason or for many complex factors on the parts of BOTH people being imperfect, it just doesn't work. But that doesn't mean YOU went WRONG. I'm sure you worked very hard at it, and learned heaps and heaps, and grew a lot! It's obvious you cared a lot and you tried hard at your own conduct. I bet some things you learned to do new in that relationship worked very well. Sure, if you look hard enough you can find an answer to your question, but i think you are already well past the point of diminishing returns in looking for what you did wrong. If there were a clear lesson to be learned from this, you probably would have learned it by now, or it may float to the surface at some later date. So i would suggest.... find yourself a better question to ask, one that will take you away from being hard on yourself and into thoughts that are more productive and will make you feel encouraged. And consider this quote: "When i accept myself as I am, I change, and when I accept others as they are, they change." ~Carl Rogers. It's exactly, spot-on.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

The keys to a healthy relationship Posted: 1/23/2006 8:59:10 PM
Cruchberries: There are only four but I do believe that people dont touch on them enough here, if at all. This is why people fail. These are the keys to ALL relationships, not just relationships with a significant other. 1. Respect 2.Accepting personal responsibility for one's behavior. 3.Allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior 4. Caring without enabling. Comments??? Something to add?? Yes, Crunchberries.... "there are only four..." according to whom?

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 82 (view)

IQ, Important or not Posted: 1/23/2006 8:55:30 PM
I find it interesting that everyone here is assuming the more intelligent of the couple might reject the less intelligent one after a while, but it sometimes happens the other way. Some times people with intelligence... i won't say "dumb" because that's not very accurate for what we're talking about, but rather average or comparatively less intelligent... sometimes they find "smart" people intimidating, annoying, or assuming charge too often because they think they know best. I've read that research has shown successfully happy couples who've lasted most of a lifetime together are likely to have very similar intelligence, and also a very similar level of confidence, and that conversely couples who are mismatched on these traits are unlikely to last. Personally, sometimes i've come across a guy so wonderful, so decent and sweet, i REALLY want to make it work, but i've found out the hard way the relationship just won't have any lasting power if they don't have close to my intelligence. Someone who has a higher I.Q. is frequently (though not always), more widely educated and more culturally knowlegeable, and has relatively more curiosity about life that takes them into new interests and pursuits, or into excellence in their field of work. (Probably curiousity usually comes first and intelligence follows). What i've found is if the person i'm dating doesn't by habit read.... the chances they will remain interesting to me is almost ZIP! It's not that i like talking about books, but there is a strong correlation between reading and intelligence.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

How do you get out of a rutt? Posted: 1/22/2006 7:20:30 AM
I understand there are more men on this site than women, and i think women on the whole are more reserved about contacting men from profiles... so i wouldn't take it personally. I do have a few suggestions, though. 1) You might want to change your photos, at least your primary photo, so it is only of YOU and not your friends. This would make you seem more accessible and ready for a relationship, and take away any confusion. 2) Say more about yourself in your profile. Being general doesn't help... you might think so because it has wider appeal, you won't turn anyone "off".... but you won't stand out in anyone's minds, either. You're only looking for ONE woman ~ the best one, of course!... so you don't get any Brownie points for volume! The more you say to give them a feel of who you are the better... everyone wants to feel they are talking to someone special and like no one else on earth. best of luck! h

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 30 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/22/2006 7:09:24 AM
hi Cinncat, You complain that guys complain about not finding any nice, normal women and crying about being lonely.... but aren't you doing exactly the same thing, just with slightly different language? Here you have complained about having to be at POF (complaining about being lonely) and guys not noticing your value and of their "immature behavior" (failing to appreciate the opposite sex and attributing the shortcomings of a few, to all). The first thing your post made me wonder is why you are not noticing the nice, normal, men who want a relationship? I think if you can answer that question for yourself, your situation is likely to change. Just my humble opinion, but i have NEVER seen anyone able to both simultaneously bash the opposite gender AND find a healthy relationship. The two things just seem to repel eachother like poles on a magnet. I can empathize with your frustration..... but i also think the attitude that "they" are the enemy will never help anyone find or keep a happy relationship.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Continental divide Posted: 1/21/2006 4:55:46 PM
Hi Tallguy. I've been in an international relationship that became very frustrating and didn't work out, but i've had friends who've had them, too... some relationships that didn't work out but also some that did quite beautifully and they are married and happy now! Something very important i learned along the way... just meeting the person on vacation is not going to tell you if it will work as a relationship. Vacations are very surreal times. Unless it's an extended stay, you won't know for sure if what they TELL you is how they really ARE. This makes long distance and international relationships particularly challenging. If one of you can't live and work in the other country for a while first, if you can't know their friends and family as well as them, and their usual habits,... it's a real gamble. The other thing i wanted to tell you is there is a great series of books titled, "Live & Work in the U.S.A.," "Live & Work in Scotland," etc. They have them on lots of countries. Go to www.vacationwork.co.uk or try to find them at Amazon.com. These books are packed with all the information you need... the legalities of entering that particular country, the culture, money & banking, transportation, driving, finding work, work permits, etc. They are very well researched and indispensible!!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/21/2006 4:40:11 PM
~Deborah~ As I said girl.....the world is going to pass you by if you won't let yourself accept what you can't change. I do relate to the desire to have someone to love and to be loved back...and it's ok to have hope that it will happen but it's not ok for anyone to dwell and stay focussed on it. It'll only make things worse. Don't let the world pass you by or you will be asking for a pep talk for having let life slip away. You are RIGHT. I can't argue with that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good job. [stinker]

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/21/2006 4:35:41 PM
Lutra: While a long term relationship may be the ultimate goal, I think you will have more fun and be more likely to find that relationship if you relax and let it happen in its own time. Meanwhile, go out and have fun! Thank you Lutra, That's a good point and i'd really like to have fun, but I'm definitly having trouble with the "having fun" part, can you give me some suggestions? I'm not comfortable on most dates anymore... i've had sooooooooo many experiences where the guys want more from me than i want to give to that particular guy at that time... either physically or emotionally. The guy who ripped a hole in my leather pants trying to "get in" on the first date springs to mind. Or breaking hearts without meaning or wanting to when i worked in the store, just because they liked me a lot and thought that my talking to them at all meant i wanted them for a boyfriend. It's hard to relax and have fun when you have to be on your guard.... when any little tiny thing on my part might be misconstrued as encouragement. It's certainly not every date, but i've had enough bad experiences that it's hard to relax and just have fun.

loving lass

Joined: 11/1/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

I could use a pep talk. Posted: 1/21/2006 4:14:29 PM
alis kat: : You say you arent picky?Maybe thats part of the problem youre having with meeting a person you would want to be with long term.I'm not picky in the sense that noone is good enough.I do however set the bar pretty high when it comes to long term love:)The first step to finding it is knowing what you want and then narrowing your search that way. Thank you, alis kat. I think i am much the same way as you. i'm not picky in the sense i'm friendly to everyone (and rather known for that in my community), whether they are important, abjectly poor, smart, dumb, nice... and i'm known for even having great patience with people who are not so nice. What friends i've had in my life vary greatly. I've known and counted as friends a royal prince, homeless and formerly homeless, a reformed armed bank robber, nuns, spies, foreigners, a "he" who is now a "she," just to name a few of the colorful ones. But there is a vast difference between being compassionate, respecting people, and taking an interest in them in general.... and being personally attracted to someone that you think has potential for spending your life with. I know what i am looking for without being rigid to it. I do NOT carry a shopping list in my pocket of traits i want in a man. I do know that some things are required for success... we must have roughly equal intelligence and honor, or it just won't work. They don't have to be rich by any means or support me, but they have to be practical with money and not irresponsible. I am definitely at my personal best with someone who has a lot of energy and curiousity for life, who is a positive person and very compassionate towards others.... so i am looking for that. There are also things that would be nice, but aren't necessary... i'd LIKE it if their musical tastes weren't stuck in the 70's. I'd LIKE it if they had some taste! I'd LIKE it if they look after their health and stay in shape. ...any of the LIKES give plusses, but not having them doesn't rule them out. I also know what things rule them out immediately: inability to reciprocate intimacy. Any addiction. Control. Dishonesty or being dishonorable. Cruelty towards any person. Stuff like that. A list may give you a guide, but it will never explain everything. Some people find themselves in abusive relationships... but no one ever put, "must be controlling" on their list!!! haha... well, maybe a FEW people... haha... "must come with handcuffs"... but that aside, no. And someone might suit your list completely and still there is no spark because of that inexplicable chemistry thang. I can't say for certain... but i think a big part of my challenge is i am just a very untypical person! I've had a lot of unusual and sometimes intense experiences in my life... for instance i first attended college course when i was 12 years old... it was completely arranged by my teachers (and yes, i went to public school). I have a high I.Q. and "exceptional talent" so they arranged it for me as a special case and then told me one day in class i was expected in a college classroom and here is a hall pass, etc., and pushed me out the door. Creative Writing 101 with a published professor, 60 adult students and a long waiting list to get into the class. I've had a lot of unusual experiences... both good and bad. I also have an unusual personality type... on the Meyers-Briggs test i fall into the category which is only 1/2 of one percent of the population.... the smallest category. I do find this matters: i just don't resonate with people who don't also have a complex personality. This is the part that gets me discouraged.... the needle in the haystack thing. Its not unusual for guys to find me special (i'm not saying i'm better... just very different). But i want to find a guy who to me feels just as special!!!!... of course i do.... everyone does! When you fall in love big time... that person is unique to you... they stand above everyone else in the field, and no one can substitute! I just don't get that feeling but once in a VERY rare moon.... and then that's only the beginning; i still have to see if they are available (not married, gay, clinically insane, or impossibly shy) and that he's into me too and we're compatible. THAT'S A TALL ORDER!!!!!!!! Either i have to find more needles (lower my standards, which i don't think will work)... or somehow i have to find a smaller haystack.... a concentration of the intelligent, culturally broad, compassionate, energetic,... where on earth is that?!!!!

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