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 Author Thread: Why Do Men Think All Women Like Their 12 Inchers?????
 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 196 (view)
 
Why Do Men Think All Women Like Their 12 Inchers?????
Posted: 11/24/2009 9:00:05 AM
Uhhhh...you mean 12 inches around, right? I mean, I'd be afraid with something that long that the cervix was going to be the loser in all of this.

And honestly, IMHE, women seem to drastically prefer girth to stroking length. 6" long and 8+" around seems to do a lot more than 9" long and 6" around...well, 'cept for oral, then less girth seems to be better.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
web cam - oops
Posted: 11/24/2009 8:44:05 AM
In my experience, there are 2 types of women in the world...those that don't even want a camera in the same room and those that just want to make sure they get a copy of the vid/pics.

A normally shy woman is so unlikely as to ever do a 3-or-more thing...without lots of alcohol, drugs and other persuasion going on, not to mention a web-cam that just happens to be left on, that I can only attribute this as being an American Pie (read: 15 year old boy) fantasy moment...and it's rather disturbing that a 45 y.o. fire fighter thinks and communicates this way...hopefully he's not doing it on duty shifts from the station's computer.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Another smoking thread...with a twist...what about the new electronic cigarettes?
Posted: 11/24/2009 5:38:17 AM
Everyone I know...with every brand I've heard of, seems incredibly satisfied/happy with the results. The hard thing is finding them...I found a Smoke 51 (I believe) brand as well as Luci at Waterbeds -n- Stuff.

The difference is that the Smoke 51 brand has the atomizer completely contained in the "filter" section...and the "tobacco" section is completely a LiIon battery. And yes, they have menthol and they have all of the filter cartridges in decreasing nicotine amounts.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 38 (view)
 
are women ok with a man who does not orgasm, yet still enjoys every moment?
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:14:47 PM

I thought it was a good love making trait to be able to exercise that kind of control to prolong the experience for your partner.


Uh huh...and after about 15-20 years of training yourself in that way, you inadvertently get too good at prolonging. You're 23...there's a world of uuuuhhhhh, interesting experiences awaiting.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Did I catch him before he tried to use me for sex or did I jump the gun to fast???
Posted: 11/23/2009 8:56:25 PM

Did I catch him, before he attempted to use me for sex?

Li'l Darlin'...as long as this is your attitude about normal, healthy adults looking to explore the potential of a relationship, then yeah...you jumped the gun...by a lot. Your esteem is slipping...at your age you should see sex as normal, healthy and extremely enjoyable...and hopefully enjoying discovering that.

Here's the funny thing...we're all on a dating site. We all have our own imaginations for what constitutes a relationship...not everybody's a match...move on.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
What are these guys doing?
Posted: 11/23/2009 6:08:42 PM

The answer is: because he is a crude, repulsive, greasy, leeching, using, slimy, woman hating emotional predator who under any other circumstances would be serving time (until the incredible day he dropped dead if the world were that lucky). IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH. I'm sick of men in here who are so brainwashed and part of his cult. You keep preaching about his common sense crap and crude approach like he's a god or something when he offers nothing yet convinces you he's "helped" you. If that isn't pure evil I don't know what is. I've read a LOT of his crap. Anything that wasn't just common sense basically preached complete and utter disrespect for women and totally insulted their intelligence. Personally I don't want to be brainwashed into becoming a man like that. I guess if it gets you "laid" at the price of your dignity and your partner's that's all that matters though, right? Pathetic.[

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think.

I think my sincere feeling when I see such behavior out of a guy is "He really doesn't like emotionally and physically intimate relationships...too bad..."

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 286 (view)
 
A Twist on EXPECTING Sex by the 3 rd date. Would You Date Her/Him ?
Posted: 11/23/2009 11:56:02 AM
Geez, M_Church~...are you going to have to start the education process all over again?

Gone~...what you're referencing is Style's understand that becoming a Master PUA is not the end all...it is about learning the ways to become a man.

And as far as collateral damage...I'm thinking none...as I'm still friends with a number of girls who I've slept with. Not all, obviously, as life takes different paths, but I've been told most of the time (>90%) and after the fact how much better off they were. Heck, I've had 2 ex-g/f's call me and ask if they can send their current b/f to me for dating lessons. I engendered trust, honesty, personal responsibility, openness, recognizing their own sexuality, etc., etc.. And from a karma experience, it's good and just getting better.

You seem to be someone who doesn't quite get it...but that's OK...a lot of guys have that problem...the one of being men for the women...and moreso, for themselves. Heck, even if I never get laid again, I've grown so much as a person I'd never give any of this stuff back.

AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
are women ok with a man who does not orgasm, yet still enjoys every moment?
Posted: 11/23/2009 11:43:13 AM
Not really. I've been with enough women that I feel on solid ground answering this question directly. I'm the type that likes to make love for quite a while and until she's blissfully happy...it gives me...for lack of a better way of saying it, an emotional orgasm.

After a few minutes of intermission...swig about a liter of water, cuddle, fondle, caress...then I'm ready to go again, and the second time through I'm looking to cum. Problem is, most girls are mostly spent by this time and if they can't go the distance, I have to end up finishing by hand. I'm amazed at the number who are totally pissed by this...they think that this means they are a failure and that I'll be hitting the road soon when the truth couldn't be further from their impression.

I have yet to meet a woman who didn't claim some sort of "victory" over making me cum inside of her. I'm not sure what's going on with that...if the man is happy, relaxed and into you...and their post-orgasm status is wonderful and happy, why do they try to muck it up...it's almost as bad as the jerks who start in with "Didja cum, didja cum? How many times?" I mean, women find that totally offensive (worse if they don't cum), but their issue is with the wussiness of the guy...the lack of confidence.

Well, the shoes on the other foot now...if after 30-60 minutes of great lovemaking I want you to relax and you're essentially "done", lay your head on my chest or belly or thigh and help me finish it off for me, what's the problem? Is it the lack of control that causes that?

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What are these guys doing?
Posted: 11/23/2009 7:46:40 AM

...I do not want to be that kind of guy because I am looking for something more than they are
How do you know that?

In fact, I see it as just the opposite. I intentionally developed the skills that allow me to meet and interact with women comfortably because I was looking for something more than some lame chick I didn't really care that much about being willing to go out with me.



...but I do wonder what they are doing or saying that gives them this type of success?!
It's not the lines...it's not what they are "doing"...it's what they've done.

Basically we've learned girls aren't something to be feared. We've developed confidence, self-awareness and an understanding of who we are.


Usually when I meet a girl, I end up talking to her and talking to her, and she seems interested enough, but we cannot ever seem to make it to the actual going out together thing, and end up just messaging or calling all the time. I assume I am doing something wrong. Even on this site, I get plenty of traffic and messages, but they seem reluctant to meet face to face, even if we get along really well. Is it just the fear of meeting a stranger? or some girls are just not like that, or what? But to meet somewhere for a first date is really not that big a deal.
Yeah...you know virtually nothing about progressing a seduction...or better stated, how to KEEP flirting...how to keep the energy level up. You drop off from her for the same reason she drops off from you...the other person just didn't keep your attention in the right way.

And my guess is you're looking for her to show signs of taking it to the next level...and you have no idea how to read her IOI's (LIKE...the fact that she's still talking to you is a mild IOI). Indicators Of Interest are powerful things...learn what these are and what they mean and you'll be able to progress the time you spend with her such that by the end of the evening she'll be dreaming about the next one.



O&BTW...this flirting thing...it should never really stop...for either of you.
 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
ejaculation headaches
Posted: 11/23/2009 7:34:37 AM
Nahhhh, that's a weird one. Does it happen when he masturbates...or just with a partner. I think if that was happening to me I'd have to be buying a hige supply of Tylenol.

 czmyles
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
What changed your mind?
Posted: 11/23/2009 7:30:08 AM
I think 90+% of it is deriving emotional satisfaction...plus the feeling of conquest...of making her delirious with joy. But that requires the guy is perceptive and enjoys driving you crazy with lust, and not all guys do. In fact, in your age range I'd suggest that a huge percentage of the guys are still in it for their own satisfaction...and granted, while part of that satisfaction is "making" you cum, as guys get older and wiser they realize it's more about allowing them to help you enjoy the moment and cum.

So to answer your question...if there is something he likes to do to you in which you respond and he is in-tune to your feelings (backrub, light tickling, backscratching, foot massage, soapy showers, etc.), then you have a chance as oral sex is the ideal time to get a little aural (let his ears know how much you like it). This can be in the form of moans, yelps, words of appreciation/direction/encouragement...it can be slightly leading his head to the right spot, or wrapping your legs around his upper back/neck/head as you pull him deeper into you.

Most important, start in the shower...maybe give him a good, long healthy blowjob while in the shower, then when you get out, put a towel on the floor by the side of the bed, sit on the side and pull him down to his knees in front of you, then gracefully lie back as you put a hand on the back of his head and pull him forward.

I will say this...I definitely prefer shaved / well trimmed bushes (I think most guys do). I like playing with and outside the outer lips as well. But not having to "part the hair" makes it much easier and more fun. I'd say 70% of the girls I've been with are shaved and a couple I've gotten to start shaving once I helped them the first couple of times.

Ultimately...if all else fails...69...start sucking on him and just turn your body, swing a leg across and put your pu$$y a couple inches from his face. If he doesn't start then...he never will.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Man asks woman to go to his home after dinner on first date
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:21:36 PM

"I just want you to know that I didn't have intentions of anything romantic taking place."

Let's see...you're in your 40's...and he has no intentions of anything romantic? Bummer...another platonic date.

I'd be more concerned that he doesn't know how to be honest with you.



...Oh, and yes, he does want to get laid. The problem is, you still don't if it's just with you and for the rest of his life...and you likely never will.
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What, Why, and How-come?
Posted: 11/22/2009 2:24:59 PM
Statistics are used primarily to verify what someone already knows to be true.

Asking for a reason why is the same thing...If you want to believe it, it will drive you crazy....and if you don't believe it, it will drive you crazy. This is the hard part, emotionally divorcing yourself from the person. And unfortunately, it doesn't all happen at once. The sooner you let it go the better.

Focus your improvement one thoughts from people who actually care about you.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How much alone time do you need?
Posted: 11/20/2009 1:28:30 PM
I'm reminded of a quote from a young Illinois lawmaker...one Mr. A. Lincoln, when asked how long a man's legs should be. He replied "Long enough to reach the ground".

I have no idea how much I "need". I know how much I get and sometimes it feels like too much and sometimes not enough. I also travel on business...that's demand alone time and not always welcome. When I was young and we had a house full of 4 kids, once a year I'd take a week's vacation and fly my wife to a beach hotel in Florida for a week of alone time...and by the 3rd day she'd be on the phone with the kids all day.

I think the key is, when you feel the need for some solitude...you should have the space and communications in your relationship to allow it to occur naturally...with fear and doubt and analysis. It may be 10 minutes...it may be 10 days, only you know what you need and how to leverage that with your partner.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Is it possible to control attraction?
Posted: 11/20/2009 1:22:01 PM
^^^^^ I know what you said to be true...but the real question is..."Have you ever felt like you wanted to share...or perhaps even surrender, control?" I don't mean to someone else specifically, but working much more on the collaboration and mutuality of things side of a relationship.

The truth is, even in the best of circumstances, within the context of a relationship, someone makes every decision...bills to pay, where to go for dinner, is it time to mow the yard, etc. etc.. The bigger truth is...women get extremely tired of making all the decisions, it's like having one more kid you have to take care of...and a lot of times you simply want someone to take care of you. Problem is, there aren't enough men to go around for all of the women, so most end up with wusses or jerks...and soon enough the girl figures out that in order for life not to become stupid (again), she needs to be in control.

This is probably the hardest thing for my g/f to accept...that everything doesn't have to be resolved by her...that there is someone who loves her, cares for her, and every day demonstrates that he has her best interests at heart...and as such, she can continue to release that death grip on control she used to have.

It can be a good "grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" when you find the right person and let it happen.

It's all good.
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Is it possible to control attraction?
Posted: 11/20/2009 12:23:51 PM

Maybe that's why we woman have had to become more forceful in approaching men and getting dates by asking them ourselves. Which sometimes men like and sometimes it bites us in the arse.

And which really speaks more to the quality of male that you are approaching. A man who is confident, who understands these relationship things, who knows how to be in control without being controlling...a leader...is probably not the typical guy hanging out at the local soda fountain.

So girls imbue these guys with the attributes they'd like the guys to have (read CK's "pets" analogy earlier) and then try to behave as if that was the attribute the guy actually have...and then they're surprised when the guy rolls over and goes to sleep.

One of the most powerful things to teach young men is that girls are just as scared and apprehensive and confused about this stuff as guys are...once they understand that, for the first time in their dating life they begin to figure out that all these feeling are normal and good and fun.

The problem is (TJ~), once you assume the "power" role in the relationship, you can't teach/coach the guy through changes to make him a man...because if you're the one sending him down that path, then you still own the power and as such, you can always take it away. Asking a guy out is a good thing (I got asked out on Monday and I'm in a committed relationship...but it still feels good), but the question to ask yourself is "If he say's "yes", am I prepared to respect him in the role of the "man" in our communications?" IMHO, most initial invites are more out of desperation than seductive attraction...it takes a very special girl to deliver one properly and an even more special man to receive it in the way in which she intended it to be heard.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Stephanie Spielman
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:54:21 AM
I don't know from personal experience whether Stephanie Spielman was an incredible, awesome woman...she was certainly an above average woman plunged into a series of events. From her marriage to Chris, one of the most intense players in football history...to them having to stand by each other through life-altering circumstances (her breast cancer discovery during roughly the same time frame as his cervical vertebrae fractures) and took them both down unplanned roads while in their early 30's. And then of course the role they played in the community to raise awareness, help others and in general, be the type of people that we can all respect and admire.

My father's internist...when he was diagnosed with cancer said "Cancer is an insidious disease, but the one thing it gives you that so many other things don't is time...time to spend with friends and family, time to resolve all those open issues, time to celebrate the life lived." While a poor substitute for still having her around, it is good to see that Stephanie, Chris and the entire community came together to celebrate her life and her legacy will live on and will hopefully benefit many women...through the advances in detection, diagnosis and treatment.

And hopefully that will provide a tiny bit if solace to the husband, the children, the parents, the family and friends, to carry in their hearts. RIP Stephanie...you've had a profound impact in thousands of lives...now it's up to others to carry your light into the future.
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is it possible to control attraction?
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:32:51 AM
Not trying to account for everyone...but if a characteristic of behavior is consistent across >80% of a group, it's fair game to reference that reality.

And I agree with your (albeit sarcastic) comment, I think lust is the better way to describe it. Most guys don't need a woman to become stimulated...they only need the image of a woman, and that can even be a fantasy in their mind...but even that isn't necessarily attraction. It's eroticism, something completely different...and frankly, if you started coming on to a guy...started teasing and such...and mid-way through it some other woman came up and started do the same thing and you walked away, most guys would have very little issue transferring their "attraction" (lust) thoughts to the new person. So they weren't really "attracted" to you, they were attracted to the idea of being with you, of the possibility of sex and may even someday, a relationship.

Attraction is real...it is a tugging force you feel. Women's transmitters and receptors of this type of info is much, much stronger than guys. Men oftentimes have learned to "crack this communication code" in a way that compliments their personality...not all do it the same. Bad Boys do it more by ignoring women but providing a place for them to join in. Men do it by learning to be perceptive...by seeing the eye flash, the brow shift, the pupils constrict/dilate, the corners of the mouth move, body language, verbal stability, and heck, even if they truly listen and know they're being listened to (talking after the other person is done).

The ins and outs of this is something guys can learn (on their way to becoming men). This helps provide them with a sense of confidence. They no longer fear (and yes, TJ~, you'd be amazed at the number of guys who fear talking with a woman) those conversations...they understand that girls are just as nervous and apprehensive as they can be.

But in the end, guys can learn the traits to become men...they can learn confidence and communication and rapport and leadership. They can practice it and get better. And when they demonstrate it, not only for women to find them attractive, but surprisingly many other guys will tend to gravitate to that man who demonstrates these traits, and women do notice men that other guys look up to.

Bottom line...guys are attracted to about any bright, shiny object that comes into their field of view. Women can look at 100 identical appearing BSO's and only a couple spark their interest.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is it possible to control attraction?
Posted: 11/20/2009 5:49:39 AM
Very True, CK~...nice summation, especially the pets analogy.

So let's take it just a step further. What you are talking about is taking your "party manners" and trying to blend that with the hope for the future. You start to associate this person to things you hope/want to transpire, but you don't have enough history with the person to know for certain that these "fantasies", these "heart strings to events in the future", are based in the the reality of that person's behavior. So you're operating based on what they say, not based on your experience for who they actually are.

And when they fail to match your expectations (your desires of what your loving heart hoped would happen), it begins to establish a negative perception of your relationship, and that erosion of confidence is hard to stop.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Is it possible to control attraction?
Posted: 11/19/2009 8:12:02 PM
I gotta push back on you on this one, TJ~...guys don't really feel attraction in the beginning, it's more a sense of enticement and seeking victory...I seriously don't feel true attraction begins with guys until they can start to have real conversations...become each other's friend. Until that time libido and infatuation are at the helm with the guy.

A women decides in the first 30 seconds if she's NOT going to sleep with a guy. After that moment, he still has to demonstrate value, share his personality, learn about her, etc.. But the attraction...that's immediate...

And yes, TJ~, she can shutdown those follow-on opportunities...and not even know she's doing it. Some are very good at it...they've lost the ability to be open, to flirt...to have fun.

But in women, attraction...is not a choice. You feel it long before the guys do.

And CK~...Yeah...chemically, you've become "wired". Even though you tell yourseld "Don't date a ______"...the Universe hears "date a ______". You have to intentionally change how and what you look for and why it's important to you. Then, the energy you emit will change...and before long you'll find yourself attracting a different type of person.

And even for those that are the "pickees" as opposed to the "pickers"...you're not being picked by the different (better) pickers because there's something they're not seeing in you.

JMHO
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Her Orgasm
Posted: 11/19/2009 7:36:56 PM
And he can do all the exploration he wants but if she isn't giving him feedback, it pretty much doesn't matter. So much of the answer is wrapped up in "his ability to perceive what she is transmitting"...and darlin', it's just like BJ's...do you pay attention to which touching, stroking, licking, biting, etc., turn him on? How tough is it if he's not giving you feedback?

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Is it possible to control attraction?
Posted: 11/19/2009 1:37:02 PM
Oh yes...definitely...if you mean the transmitting attraction qualities. IMHO, women can't control who they're attracted to...but men can control how they generate attraction "vibes".

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Recycling and you...is it a good thing?
Posted: 11/19/2009 1:34:55 PM
When I was young, I had this premise that if you were dating someone and broke up...somewhere around 4-6 weeks after you broke up you'd forget why you broke up (it's easier to forget pain) and start remember the good things. Then you'd get back together and within a few weeks you'd definitively remember WHY you broke up. So way back then I made it a rule...breakups are forever.

However life changes and you learn things. And one of the intriguing realities I've come to realize about myself is..."If someone was good enough to date for at least a couple of months (early stages of LTR), that they do have redeeming qualities I like(d). As such, after we break up (and yes, even if it's "after I break us up"), It's freaky how many times second and even third (a couple of times) time arounds are easy to slide back into."

I never saw myself as the "re-cycling g/f's type", but looking at my history, there's only one LTR 'candidate' that I've dated in the last 4 years who didn't get a return engagement. I will say, in the case of each person, we talked openly about what led to the first break-up and how to prevent it the second time around. So far, I can only say it's stuck once (this time, as my g/f and I were together for 3+ months last summer before getting back together this summer/fall.

But I'll also say, that for me, this time around I've changed what I've been looking for...that's a good thing. But I also wonder how many people "recycle" past relationships...keeping their life, their families and friends, and their partner's lives in moderate turmoil through their comings and goings? I know of at least 2 people who post in these forums who have somewhat been victimized by that.

If this has happened to you, this "recycling" of old partners, why do you think you do it?
Have you changed? Have they? What about the situation that contributed to the breakup?
Has one of you not let go?
Is it convenient to have an FWB and that becomes more...or less?

Why do we recycle...and has recycling led you to any success?

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Back to e-Cigs...and the law
Posted: 11/19/2009 12:37:06 PM
Where did you find that little smokie guy?!!!!
Probably the same place I found things like...

and and and and and

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
for the guys
Posted: 11/18/2009 3:42:36 PM
As long as it takes for the severed heart-strings that you...and your kids...had for that person.

Think of it like driving...you don't really need to read the speedometer to know whether you're going too fast, too slow, or just right.

Your heart will know when it is ready to share again...to welcome someone new in again. Just don't pigeonhole yourself into a 'mom' role...work on you, always.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
How to write that first message
Posted: 11/17/2009 7:47:41 PM
Ahhhh...guys...you can specify a minimum number of letters for an intro email. I used to have mine set at 200...hate to say it, but as I respond to every intro email, it was self-defense on my part. If she can't be bothered to string 25-30 words together, then it's probably not much of a conversation. I think they also have 50 and 100.

OK, problem solved. Move on.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
What is wrong with the person's profile above you in this thread?
Posted: 11/17/2009 5:41:08 PM
Paragraphs.

Spacing.

Grouping of thoughts.

And YES, DANGIT...messages this short may TOO be posted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
My best friend is gay
Posted: 11/17/2009 10:43:43 AM
1. Yup.

2. It wasn't like a "best friend" relationship with her g/f's....it was different...rather weird. I think the best perspective I could develop was that it seemed like they were trying too hard...especially him...to be "gay" and to "her BFF".

Women develop emotional attachments that they are sure are for life...until they aren't, anymore. Men form emotional attachments that are more distant at first...and as such, if the BFF behavior doesn't last, not that much invested. Women will struggle and fight to keep a BFF relationship, but once the claws come out, everything is shredded.

My advice...pick the man you want to spend time with...and realize that your male BFF may just be fantasizing about you b/f in much the same ways you do. Guys aren't quite as respectful of turf...and my guess is if your b/f came on to you male BFF, you might be surprised at the male BFF's response.



Ohh...and RushLuv...
Not a guy, but I am entilted to give my opinion.
Ahhhhhhhh...look at the name of the forum...the poor girl gets a limited number of responses...20, I believe...and you're actually believing she wanted yours...so why didn't she post this in relationships or dating advice.

Or heck, you don't have to follow any rules...or you're a guy in drag.
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Decoding profession
Posted: 11/16/2009 8:34:38 AM
Allow me to restate the issue/question a bit as it seems too much is being lost in translation.

With 10% unemployment, and even taking into account shifting demographic profiles, people who are employed make up the majority of people on POF. And for the most part, most adults are employed (albeit not always happily). But this question is more about the stability of someone in these situations...and are people being honest without being accurate...IOW, you can be "retired" from your previous job, but still not able to make ends meet and not able to find another job...so are you really retired or are you unemployed with a stipend?

If you are employed, and you are considering starting to see someone who is not-employed, does it change your outlook on what is the potential for a long-term relationship? To me, dating...being in a relationship is about sharing the bet of yourself with another...about continuing to strive for the best for that person. So, aside from the "we're so much in love" infatuation, as the intoxication of it starts to wear off, it seems there are at least 5 areas of employed vs. enemployed consideration that come up...
...1. What are they doing all day, every day, while you're working, to find a job?
...2. What is their current economic status? Do they cringe when spending money? What about when you spend?
...3. What's their life-style going to be when they start working? IOW...stress, performance anxiety, the fear of the future?
...4. What are their debt ramifications of being unemployed? Bankruptcy, foreclosure? How long to catch up?
...5. And for anybody over age 40, what's that other person's future for retirement with you?

In my experience, over 1/4th of the women I've had first dates with did not have a job that would pay the bills (IOW, they were relying on income from other uncertain, sources to keep them afloat). I've had a few that admitted to me that they hadn't had a meal in a couple of days...and one said it was because she only had $12 to last the week. I've met at least a dozen women who've "escaped" relationships with nothing but the clothes on their back (thanks to all the guys who think fists and lockdowns and threats of taking her kids are the way to have a loving, healthy, happy home) and are still crawling back from that position.

If a profile says "student", but the person only discusses the program they'd like to be in but have not been accepted into...is that a warning sign?

If a profile says "retired" and really doesn't discuss any other job or volunteer activities (other than helping out with their grandkids) and you're not going to be at that point in life for another 2-10 years, does that impact your thoughts regarding potential with that person?

Again...just a philosophical discussion about the message some people are putting out. Personally, I don't know if I could even think about starting to date (except I'd have plenty of time) if I was unemployed. Somehow the incongruity of it all would just not make sense...MAYBE if I'd just gotten an offer, but certainly not while the rest of my world was unstable.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 56 (view)
 
What's so bad about nice?
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:54:52 PM
OK guys...here's the stupid thing about saying you would never change yourself..."

...You ARE who you are today because of the improvements you have made to yourself in life. I can never understand how seemingly reasonable adult people continue to make such stupid statements. Get off your freakin high horse that there could never be more info about dating and relationship than what you know...sheeeeeesssshhhh...carry that attitude through life and you begin to stagnate very quickly.

Everything about you is a conscious decision you've made about where to invest your time and energy. If your decision is to stop getting better...might want to stick that on your profile to keep away the people who know relationship is about constant work and trying to make it better. The moment you stop trying to make a relationship better is the moment it starts to go downhill".

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
How to write that first message
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:46:45 PM
Well...to be fair, CK~...we are heading into 'new relationship hell' time. Start dating now and OMG...holidays and parties and so on...it become very easy to both get wrapped up in the moments and lost at the same time. And of course, then you've got the mid-winter-blahs.

And yeah...it takes a special type of energy to cut through it all.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Decoding profession
Posted: 11/14/2009 10:08:04 PM
I'm fine with someone fading the question...there are so many fun answers they can use that tell a bit more about them. It's important that they have a direction...a job is but one representation of this.

As far as 'splaining....If you look closely at mine...I do say...if you know how to read it properly.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
ex girlfriends and privacy
Posted: 11/14/2009 9:12:08 PM
OMG...I thought you were like...15 or something with that post.

First off...you've been on POF since Apr 08. What have you learned? Hopefully not to be a needy/clingy worry-wort.

Everybody gets to make and enforce the rules that are important to them. If the other person feels they are unreasonable, then draw the line and move on. You're an adult...focus on sharing positive energy and avoiding the negative stuff.



OH...and trust me...cause I've been through it more than once and I feel I'm an incredibly faithful person...he's still thinking sex...maybe not future, but past...as certainly the sex is one of the reasons he was in the relationship. And if I'm happy, I'm not texting ex-g/f's...I may still fantasize about them from time to time...but that's another story.
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
what do MEN WHO ARE LEADERS find attractive in a woman?
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:59:13 PM
A woman who is comfortably confident...and who understands her sexuality and what it means to him.

Ohh...and you're going to find that trait where they expect you to lead in about 90% of all adult males...the "guys". Feel for the energy early on...it's the best indicator. Men are going to be in control, but not controlling.



And Messages this short may too be posted
 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Decoding profession
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:44:07 PM
I don't do any of the classic "date/job interview" questions...period. I don't ask them, either...but by about the 3-5 date...yeah, we can talk about it...but it's just not that important to who I am. I doubt if you'd be overly impressed, but the amazing thing is how much more you can learn about someone without first discussing all those things that delineate their lives.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
How to write that first message
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:35:47 PM
It really doesn't matter much what the content is...it matters that you effectively reflect the person inside, and understand & communicate what was important to you about why you are contacting the person. The energy you invest is going to be absorbed in some way. Do a good job reflecting yourself, it makes it a lot easier to allow the other person to respond and find that you are the same OL or IRL.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Back to e-Cigs...and the law
Posted: 11/13/2009 11:52:14 AM
First off, thanks to everyone who jumped into the previous thread about this. Being a retired smoker, the queries weren't for me, rather they were for some loved ones.

And the "jury" is back and even the most hard core, the one who I thought was sure to have a dozen reasons why not is happily puffing e-Cigs now. From my perspective, there is no smell to them, no aftertaste (kissing), etc.. It's like a guilty pleasure without the guilt. Heck, the tip even glows red when inhaling and they make the thing crackle like burning tobacco.

So I'm starting to wonder...what happens if someone pulls out an e-Cig at work, in a bar...on a plane? In fact, I know one young man that got admitted to OSU hospitals and when he indicated he was a smoker, they GAVE him an e-Cig at admitting because he wouldn't be able to go to a smoking area.

What do you think? What would be your reaction to e-Cigs in non-traditional places such as restaurants, stores, gov't buildings, closed cars, etc.?

Just curious what others think as to where this may be taking us as a society.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Ohio Forums Statistics, Data, or Numbers
Posted: 11/13/2009 11:40:20 AM
I'm not going to agree on all of the photo threads being the cause as this wasn't the case 1-3 years ago. Back then, we'd have 5-10 threads hopping every night...and in addition to about 20 intelligent, engaged POFers firing salient thoughts back and forth, we also had a boatload of chat stuff going on...word games, etc.. And yes, the mods do kill threads that they deem are in violation, so the numbers you have don't really reflect the true stats.

Mostly I think you have 2-3 contributing factors...
1. Ohio is a fairly populous, but still close together state. It's unlikely 2 people from LA and San Francisco, CA are going to be commuting for a date. But Columbus to Cleveland...doable. So the ability to actually join in creates camraderie.

2. Of all the large population states, Ohio probably has more economically enabled people who also have 4-6 months of real winter. When I lived in Florida, even though it was dark in the evenings, we hung out in somebody's driveway drinking and talking. In Ohio...ehhhh, not so much. So you finish dinner, clean-up and see all the re-runs on TV (TG for DVR's and NetFlix on Demand) and head off for the computer.

3. Like any other anomaly, people are interested. When I skim down the list of states, I don't stop at the ones with a few thousand posts and far less threads. People are looking for similar / dissenting views. You find a lot more of those in the higher hit rate forums.


The looming question is..."How did the Ohio forum get to be so big with the pitiful amount of fora interaction visible today?" Or better stated, why isn't it carrying on with the tradition that it used to have? I have my ideas...but I'm more interested in what others think.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Decoding profession
Posted: 11/13/2009 11:19:49 AM
Oh so true, Ck~...that is why I never discuss job, house (neighborhood), car, etc., until at least the 3rd-5th date. There are a lot of people who are defined by their job, their family, etc.. I'm not really interested in the person and ask a lot of questions in that area.

The down side of this (and yes, there is a down side) is that over the years, I've probably been told by at least 50 women that "no one has ever gotten inside my head the way you have" and "OMG, I can't believe I'm telling you this, I've never told anybody this." When it first started happening, it spooked the heck out of me...girls I hadn't even met yet, still doing phone time with them and they were telling deep, dark secrets. On the one hand, engendering that kind of rapport and trust is a wonderful thing...on the other hand, I don't really want someone to attach themselves that deeply with their soul until I've made a similar emotional commitment.

And I had more than a few get quite p1ssed at me that after all of those deep revelations that I wasn't interested in meeting them for a first date and going out. Bottom line is that they didn't understand how to deeply share the positive stuff...the stuff they were passionate about, their goals and aspirations...their deepest emotions that they revealed typically turned out to be negative...their conversations sobering. So that is the point where I finally figured out that this "email/text/phone thing for a few weeks" is a bad idea...get the intros done, decide if there is some initial chemistry (phone) and then meet up.

And BTW...I've had numerous girls get very p1ssed because I wouldn't say what I did for a living. And while I had numerous fun ways of fading that question, there were a couple of very persistent ones to whom I finally had to say "It's legal, valuable, in a growing industry and it pays me enough to live my life the way I want to." Seems to cover the bases.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Guys who tell you they've been in intense relationships?
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:36:16 PM
1. Sex and lots of sleepover dates...lots of time in contact with each other. When this falls off...the relationship starts to suck in a hurry.

2. Setting expectations...

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
What's so bad about nice?
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:31:05 PM
Yup. And, let's change the skewing of what you just said a bit. He teaches guys how to recognize what's important to them and how to maximize it. For example, a guy that's a schmuck at work doesn't suddenly go out and have great pickup lines and live a double life. Women sniff out schmuck in less than 30 seconds.

What DD does focus upon is the characteristics and traits that are universally attractive and how to develop these. Feel the force young Jedi...you are on the path to many truths and a few enlightenments.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Decoding profession
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:19:27 PM
For me, yup...I definitely gave up dating care-givers...nurses, social workers, and school teachers...very early on.

I guess in my OP I should have preferenced it with "It seems like a high percentage of women...".

And as for mine...I have to watch your eyes as I explain so that when you start to nod off I can catch you.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:54:28 PM

maybe I should write a book.......
...or at least not sound like reading one for the pure joy of discovery is not such a bad idea.

Glad you have such a perfect love.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Decoding "profession"
Posted: 11/12/2009 9:15:55 AM
Am I the only one who finds words such as "student" and "retired" a bit unusual for 40-55 y.o.?
Is that a euphemism for 'unemployed'?

Seems like whenever I would ask questions the answers weren't nearly as bright and fluffy as they were making it sound...and it usually transpired to mean "no money and scrambling and if I could afford to go to school I would".

Does fading this question roughly equate to lying about your age, posting an old pic, or claiming to be an occasional smoker when you're doing a pack a day?

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
What does it mean to fall in love?
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:57:43 PM

Nah, not going to read that book.

You really should...it will provide some added luster to what you are feeling and know to be true.

And yes...this is the reason people shouldn't do book reports...they only report on what impacted them. Get it from your library, you'll both be glad you did.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Was He Too Blunt?
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:19:45 AM
Ahhhh...24 y.o. I kinda figured that but I had to check.

Let me suggest that if you don't have time for horny men, now, your life is really going to suck by the time you're 35-40 and you're having sex 1-2 per year.

Frankly, I couldn't care less about your last couple of years of celibacy. You're on a dating web site. Somehow I think we all hope that our efforts result in a mutually satisfy sexual relationship.

But here's where the break comes...if you had said to me
I have been celibate for almost 2 years since my last relationship ended and that sex isn't a priority to me and that I'm interested in befriending a guy, not looking to rush into anything at all.
my next comments would have been good luck and good bye.

WHY? Frankly, I'm not interested in meeting a girl who isn't looking for something a whole lot more in a relationship...and that does include sex at some point. So if your energy level isn't pumped about getting to know me, I've got lots of other emails that do. My guess is this guy didn't.

The real issue that YOU (OPie) need to focus on is the moment he became inconsistent...one minute he's "slow and long term", then he's masturbating on his keyboard and telling you the details. It's disrespectful if the context of your conversations previously hadn't wandered into those areas.

He's an idiot.
But then again, any 24 y.o. girl who doesn't think young guys are going to be overly sexual doesn't have a grasp on the whole thing, either. Dating is about putting yourself out there...not just your toe, but openly engaging with people. Putting down celibacy rules should be something you do in your profile...make 'em clear, concise...OH, and be prepared not to get emails.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
If you ran your relationship like a business, would you be in the red?
Posted: 11/11/2009 5:49:15 AM
Gotta love it when people write before having their first cup of coffee...and even worse, without reading the context of the actual conversation they are jumping into...but then again, that is like a lot of CEO's, very little grounding in reality, they get by on the works of the people who's head is actually "in the game".

And to be concise...
1. Competition is a good thing...it keeps us thinking, growing, feeling.
2. Stern policies are for sweat shops...barefoot and pregnant mentality...the modern work force is entirely about collaboration, cooperation and compromising.
3. Being assertive, protecting your interests...since when is that uncaring/unfeeling? Your role is to maximize your investments and your interests...and yes, sometimes that does mean you stop doing business with people who are sucking you dry (not in a good way).

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Veterans Day 2009
Posted: 11/11/2009 3:31:48 AM
I'm a Veteran...9 yrs, 2 mos, 8 days...went in the USAF during Vietnam.

I guess I gotta swim against the tide on this one. I'm not a flag waver...I'm kinda blase' on all of the Veterans stuff. Never understood the camaraderie of hanging out with people who suffered the same kind of horrible experiences...it was like reliving the negatives all over again. I had best friends...I also saw a dozen or more friends go to prison for marijuana violations (yeah...like Leavenworth where one committed suicide).

I saw lots of horrible stuff...I worked in surgery and it's amazing what shrapnel can do to a body. We didn't lose any on our tables...but I'm sure a few never made it to us or didn't survive the trip afterwards.

In the end, war is what war always has been...a horrible event we need to end as quickly and mercifully as possible. But I will say that...in my humble experience...the U.S. military did not prepare any of us well enough for the concept of killing, of being close to comrades but not so close that losing them devastates us, and of how following orders (from green LT's right out of basic training) that frequently made no sense and were later proven to be wrong. All this was inevitable for most, but senior officers knew that some people would be rocked for life by their experiences and never took the steps to help them beforehand...hence the Post-Traumatic Stress issues that have affected our society for decades. And from what I hear, it's really no different now (g/f has a son who's based out of Kabul and who's "JOB" is to be a sniper.

I'm a lucky one...no scars...inside or out. And yesterday, I was at a gov't building where they were calling out vets to express appreciation...and I was left cold by it...no interest whatsoever...in fact, I'd say that as far as baggage goes, this one has been neatly wrapped and put away for years.

My best wishes to all of my comrades who didn't make it out as clean, physically or emotionally...and there are times I say a silent prayer for fallen friends, but as for me and my life, I prefer looking ahead.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
If you ran your relationship like a business, would you be in the red?
Posted: 11/11/2009 3:12:39 AM
I think maybe the more appropriate message for this crowd is "there are a whole lot of things that people may have wandered into thinking about...but truly enumerating different strategic areas helps clarify where are the holes/weaknesses in what you're trying to achieve".

Heck, most people despise writing a profile and that's but one of what...6 major areas (listed above). Most people are comfortable with squashing everything (all 6 of the above) into one thought process...and that is fine for presentation...but for introspection and refinement...ehhhhh, not so good.

I think planning like this helps clarify in your mind what it is you want in a relationship and how you want to accomplish that. It helps keep you focused on what's important to you...rather than reacting to the next Bright-Shiny-Object (BSO). BSO's can be a potential date, a friend pulling/pushing you, new web sites to peruse, etc., etc., etc.. I did something akin to this with a 3-5-5-7 list I developed a few years ago that really helped me out...
...3 Must Haves (gotta have all 3)
...5 Nice to Haves (4 out of 5)
...5 Nice NOT to Haves (3/4 out of 5)
...7 Deal Breakers (can't have any of the 7)
These kept me from focusing on traits, situations (eg: divorced 3 or more times), future (never wants to leave Columbus), etc., that were important to me. It helps avoid those difficult moments later.

 j!dub
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
With people's profiles, should I . . .?
Posted: 11/9/2009 3:48:39 PM

Discovering background information is part of doing your homework.
Conceptually I don't disagree. Mechanically I think you're full of wariness as opposed to optimism.

To me, the genesis of that discovery is how how much of their life they expose to you. We live in a 24x7 (potentially) connected society. When somebody is truly interested in you, they make a reason to expose their life to you. They enjoy filling in the gaps in time with you. They share things...if they're in love, they share the best of themselves, including family, friends, victories and failures. And while I understand some jobs do prevent people from communicating for periods of time, those jobs are generally pretty structured and "available time" is known.

The problem with unsubstantiated word-of-mouth...whether it be the local POF "pig" roast or a web-site...is that since most relationships don't make it...and since most that are still here are still looking, there's a darn good chance it didn't work out with someone else. Wanna guess which tongues waggle the hardest or which poster on checkhimout-dot-com posts the sharpest barbs...perhaps the needy/clingy fruitcake who rearranged your pantry.

I've had 6 LTRs...a couple of 2-3 week Tweeners...and a few ONS's. Let's just say I've got experience in relationships not going forward in the way we both hoped they would. I've received some incredible hate mail from time to time...but if you've been honest and have been up-front and allowed her to express herself in the relationship...to let her be who she wants to be, then things will calm down after a few weeks...and you both know you tried, you just weren't a couple. But for a period of time after the breakup, people will do stupid things...and I've seen (AS HAVE MANY OF THE LURKERS OF THESE FORA) the whole...Jr. High-ish cliques of who-can-date-who...and be allowed to be happy without being around the group anymore.

If you can approach every intro and dating opportunity with an optimistic and open heart...you're probably somebody worth getting to know. If not...ehhhhh, not so much. So if somebody's not sharing theirs in a way that makes sense to you, then you get to question whether your perception is off...or is it their behavior...take your clues from what really happens, not what others tell you.
 
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