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Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 90 (view)

Unconditional Love Posted: 12/7/2008 8:10:47 AM
akimmbo, Ok, I stand corrected, we have one here who knows about unconditional love. I will only say...Dude?, you alright? up there? hahaha., You imply conditions as restrictions, when in fact they are about Love itself, and love and appreciation of Self. It's a pop culture term my friend, and I think it is the word condition that is jamming you up here. So, if you are, let's say, an abused wife, and hubby is coming home from the pub every night and pistol whipping her because his tv dinner isn't ready,....the right act is to say,....he can't help the way he is,,,and I unconditionally forgive him,. That's a simple example, there are many.,..but I thought I'd just jump to the quick. Well again allow us to look at what conditional love and unconditional love is. Whenever we put “conditions” on anything albeit love or a job or whatever. These condition must be met or we will quit or punish in some personal way. One thing you do in so many posts is to “think” “feel” for others. Stating your opinion is the only correct one. Isn’t that itself a conditional way of interacting? Your example itself with the wife who is physical abuse show me how you think for the abused. If this fictional person does in fact loves this person the abuser unconditionally then forgiving her abuser will allow her to heal from the abuse. It this unconditional love in her that heal her and allow us and her to learn and grow from any type of abuse. Unconditional love allow many possibilities to exist in harmony with one’s self and others. How can conditional love do that for if these “conditions” aren’t met then some course of action must be taken. Since, as Cathartes has pointed out above, it is an ideal, that would require a lifetime of sincere dedication to reach this exalted state, I must assume that many humans are caught in illusion of thinking that they are 'godlike' and unconditional. When one loves Self.,..and begins to see that we are all One...they will understand that humans are not perfect beings,....and by experiencing some 'conditions' that were unsuitable...they will , if evolving, understand that the only way to being love is through forgiveness,,,,not by magically thinking they have leapfrogged from 'Cretin to godlike. Please akimmbo whenever you post to me never I mean never use what another poster stated as your “defense” or opinion to agree with what you feel or think. You see akimmbo these are my conditions. Other posters can post i.e. think and feel for themselves and don’t need you or anyone to that that for them. So please... Love is always contained in every human.,...some are more aware of it than others.....Some teachings of Love are actually quite 'skewed'....especially from the two headed snake dragon of religions. More blood has been shed in the name of man leading fellow man to religion , than all the wars of mankind combined, Of course one can’t disagree with this statement for it’s the truth. But throwing all religions or at least the ones you want together into one basket is backward and silly. It’s view is black and white. Remember that religion too have conditions as well. Each one teaching what that religion core belief system is and we have a choice to join or not too. But I also believe that each religion has something to teach us insomuch as to what not to do and what can benefit man in that belief. Even the “People temple” and it’s members taught us something and we should never forget that and those that died there in the jungle for what they believed in. And,....don't you get cable , or something, where you are....do you honestly think this world is not in total disharmony and on a purely destructive course? Really? For some reason, I have this image in my head of purely innocent men women and children in bloody dismemberment from car bombings...and no, I'm not jumping on Middle East Problems alone.....do people remember the bombings in Belfast , Ireland between the protestant and christian sects many years before,,.....??? oh my....what you are describing here is La La Land Love, dude. Turn the head the other way Love. Not sure what your point here is other then we live in a very dangerous and scary world. But we also live in a world were some people do care and have the ability to love. It’s this love that sustains us and allow us to look into this danger and still hope and dream for a better tomorrow. If this is “La La Land” then yes I am a member of this society and hope you may join me and others like me. Remember that for evil men to be successful all it really take is for good men to do nothing. The topic of unconditional love is beyond the grasp of most theologians, and only the truly exalted will ever approach it. Again thinking for other people. You really like to do that don’t you?

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 81 (view)

Unconditional Love Posted: 12/6/2008 5:26:58 PM
Conditional love is just that love under some degree(s) of “conditions” which must be met and maintained. Is this love? Well again it would be what one is use too and conditioned too. Conditional love is dysfunctional and counterproductive but if one only knows and live under these conditions then that type of love itself becomes the norm and accepted as love. But unconditional love isn’t in fact it’s a acceptance of one whole being as an imperfect creature. Loved only because it exist and for no other reason. Unconditional love forgives but conditional love can’t. Unconditional love gives freely and unselfishly but conditional love can’t. Some say that unconditional love is a myth or doesn’t exist. If that was so I believe none of us would be debating this topic or others as to date. Why? Because mankind would have ended so long ago. Without our learning and ability too love unconditionally as well as our many religious belief systems in place which is how unconditional love is taught from that mankind would have destroy itself eons ago. You see unconditional love allows untold possibilities were conditional love only allow that which must be met and maintained. Mankind is able to feel the desirer of love conditionally or unconditionally which has more to do with choice then the act of love itself.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 73 (view)

Too quick to comply? Posted: 12/4/2008 6:28:52 AM
This is not a slam, but men do have a much bigger ego than women..... Wild Heart with this I have to agree that some men do suffer from ego ideal and it will get them in trouble at times. Also I like to add that it’s very easy to hurt a man’s ego. But not all men are like this insomuch that others have learned to understand and look deeper in themselves (men) and accept their own realities of who they “really” are. So much so that some men put away the “shinny armor suit” and throw out the superman cape and just accept themselves for who we are and not who we think we are and what society makes us out to be. Only then can we more on to become more emotionally stable and secure in who we are. And yes men it’s a whole new world big enough for all of us...

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 72 (view)

Too quick to comply? Posted: 12/4/2008 6:03:13 AM
POV Thanks for sharing! Well he isn’t acting like he is fifty is he? I did wonder if this member was for real (who know maybe he was) when asking these questions. I mean he and his partner are really the only ones that can and should get the answers about his concerns. Well sorry to see him leave and do hope the best for both him and the other member. Oh! Yes I do think you hit something (a nerve maybe?) that he would felt entitled to call you those names in his email to you but thanks again for sharing!

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

Too quick to comply? Posted: 12/3/2008 9:04:52 AM
she simply agrees with everything 100%, and has already used the "love" word 3 weeks into this relationship. She calls me every day, emails me every night, says she misses me all the time. People who tend to attach to quickly into any type of relationship can and mostly more so are very shallow people. Also to note those that do attach quickly are also able to detach just as quick. So with this alone you are running a risk for future possibilities that might leave you will more questions then answers. Also the continued emails and calls can be a bad sign that this person lack personal security. People who love someone to quick is also a sign of some type of insecurity and need to move the relationship to a higher level to what would be normally expected. Moving on to the contradiction part of your post shows one who lack personal power and a good degree of self-esteem. Also any type of contradiction are people who aren’t being honest with themselves and therefore not being honest with their partners. Most people see all this attention as being very pleasant and helps with our own personal self-esteem but once this wears off you then will discover who this person really is and what they really want. They may began as a “yes” person but can morph into a “no” person very quickly. Do you feel she is too “clingy”? Well only you can answer that question. Is she desperate? This question can only be answer between both you and the other party. You may want to bring up this discussion next time you talk and/or email each other. Should you be worry or thankful? Well my question to you is thankful for what? And then go from there. As for being worry this question again can only be answered by searching your feeling and asking yourself that question.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

BBW Posted: 11/29/2008 1:42:47 AM
Whenever one show disrespect and is rude to another person it tell volumes of that person and not much about the one they projected it too. What I mean is if one person homes into a physical or character flaw they do so to make themselves feel more superior or emotionally secure. They will do that not only to Big Beautiful Women but others as well. Maybe if you see it for what it really is you will understand how really sad and shallow those people are.. Just a thought. I just hope you don’t accept whenever someone tries to define who you are because they don’t know the true person and just what they want to see in their own minds and hearts.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 52 (view)

What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags? Posted: 11/29/2008 1:06:01 AM
Unfortunately, I've swung to being hyper-vigilant - I see red flags everywhere, especially on here! Ditto! I guess this happens when one runs into a very antisocial type of person that can and does leave one with a life time impression and know how any type of dysfunctional relationship can leave scars that will take years to heal. Still I personally would like to see “red flags” everywhere then not to see them at all. Like one poster pointed out a red flag just tells us to “slow down” “pay attention” and “listen”. Just because one sees one or a few red flags doesn’t mean they must turn off the engine get out of their car and start walking back down that road they came from. It just tells us to look a little closer to our current situation. But also the more red flags one see in a person the more one might want to consider walking away from that relationship.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 40 (view)

What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags? Posted: 11/28/2008 10:13:35 AM
802MARK for most,, fear of being alone or not loved.. not matter how ugly it is. I have seen women, wonderful, smart sexy women, be beaten half to death, and she still goes right back to the guy time and time again. even stand up for him and sometimes say they were the cause of it. This is called the Love and Stockholm Syndrome which Dr Carver also wrote about. It’s very interesting and anyone who know someone like this or suffer from it should check it out..

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags? Posted: 11/28/2008 9:58:51 AM
akimmbo What is a red flag? really? to me, it is a term that is overused....for what is a red flag to one, might not be to another. I would google Dr. Joseph M Carver, Ph.D. and he has listed all the red flags to date. As for a red flag being over used? Well what would happen if a roads men didn’t use a red flags to warns us that the bridge is out? Red flags are there for a reason and can’t believe they can be “overused” in anyway...

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 37 (view)

What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags? Posted: 11/28/2008 9:50:41 AM
Hanging on to any dysfunctional relationship is like hanging on to a “live wire” it only will give you one shock after another and another. I can understand if this is a long term relationship and one didn’t or refused to see the many reds flags before hand but if it’s a new relationship one shock is enough to bring me to the realization that this relationship isn’t going to work. We call them “red flags” which should bring any bad traits from your partner to your immediate attention. This is of course very important to note before one get too (emotionally bonded) involved with that person in question...

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 43 (view)

He says date someone else and keep going? Posted: 11/28/2008 9:25:45 AM
I dated someone for almost 2 months and he said date someone else and I won't date you. Would you think that met being exclusive? He then said don't think we have a "living happily ever after here" Whats that all about? Anyone? I asked if the same applied to him and he said "sure" This sounds like a form of “gaslighting” that some people use to confuse and misdirect others. It is a form of abuse so one should be careful whenever you meet someone who can’t be honest and straight forward with you. One thing about people who get caught up in lies and cheat on their partners fear exposure more then anything else and will go thru a lot of time and effort to deny it. Well glad to hear that you have moved on and rightfully so. You or anyone doesn’t need this emotional roller coaster ride and I do hope the best for you in the end. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or brainwashing where one individual attempts to get another individual to believe she is "crazy". This is most often done through the denial of facts, events, or what one did or did not say. The gaslighter might also directly or indirectly imply that the individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a mental illness.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 11 (view)

Taking back control............. Posted: 11/28/2008 8:56:27 AM
He has a key to my home amongst other things and one thing in particular that holds great sentimental value for me for reasons i won't go into. Sounds like some very important “stuff” to me and I do hope (like I stated before) he does return what doesn’t belong to him. One point is that some people (but not always) will keep possessions of their ex’s to leave them a excuse to call or drop by sometimes unexpectedly giving them a reason. We calls these hooks and a way to keep contact open (at their convenience of course) with their ex’s. By doing it this way just in case you tell them to “get lost” they will quickly remind you how they “still” have some of your (the hook) property. Of course if one looks at the other side of this issue it also shows how they lack any real concern or care for the other (ex) person. I mean even past friends should return property that doesn't belong to them. Remember people who are shallow and self-center always work on their own schedule and never yours.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Taking back control............. Posted: 11/27/2008 1:31:33 PM
"I am going back because she can't cope with the children on her own........and nothing else" I too thought staying in a problematic relationship for the sake of children was what is best for all. I know better today... We talked a bit more and he told me i am the best thing that ever happened to him and he will never forget me and it's killing him to walk away (is it really?) and we agreed he would return some stuff of mine to my neighbors. Oh sounds like he wants a backdoor to you heart just in case things doesn’t work out between his (and they won’t) ex and himself.. Interesting... So i texted him this morning saying "sorry to bother you, but when can you drop my stuff off. Simple request... Regardless of time or event... "Thought it would be insensitive with you losing Martin, will drop during next week if thats ok?" Not sure what your ex b/f or you mean by this entry.. Anyway I do hope he will (this time) honor your request.. Don't get me wrong, i am still heartbroken and i know i will still have bad days, but i also know i will move on from this stronger and better. Good for you and it really sounds like you mean it! So i now feel i am taking back control of my life, and i wondered about others. When was the moment YOU hit that button and drew the line? My answer would be when I too have a “epiphany” that nothing I did would change anything she really wanted to happen. That any relationship is doomed whenever only one partner is willing to change.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 2 (view)

What is it that makes you hang on to your lover despite red flags? Posted: 11/27/2008 1:09:52 PM
What is your craze? What kind of quality or attribute is it in another person that will make you hang on to her or him despite you and she or he are not compatible in other ways? In short, what is it for you that "keeps you hanging on..." You have to be kidding right?

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 47 (view)

Transformed by love or break-up Posted: 11/26/2008 3:30:58 AM
Love itself is a form of “transformation” or that which brings one to a more spiritual and emotional state then any other type of emotion in us. Love is a part of who we are and also what we are capable of. It is love itself that represents parts of a whole. What I mean is that love is past present and future all wrapped up in all of us which is what allows us the ability to love and be loved. If one doesn’t understand love and accept our personal love for ourselves and others then how can one love another? Love always starts with you are an individual but it also ends with you. A child is born unknowing of love but is taught the art of love thru it’s caretaker. It started with the caretaker (past) then given to Child (present) and then returns to both caretaker and child (future) in time. That which started with one begets two but can be then three four etc. Love itself is enduringly and if it’s pure love it’s forever in a state of expansion and growth. How can anyone who has pure love not be transformed or in some way brought to a higher level of consciousness?

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 41 (view)

Transformed by love or break-up Posted: 11/24/2008 8:32:06 PM
How were you transformed? was it a physical change, a mental change or an emotional one. Not sure if I would have used the word “transformed” myself but I think you wanted to know how one changed due to a love relationship or a separation (breakup) from one that you loved. Having been involved to a person who is incapable to love or be loved this question really might not apply to me. But living with someone who suffers from a personality disorder does in fact “transforms” one during and after the dysfunctional relationship. Of course there are both positive and negative aspects of this spectrum. Whenever one lives with someone under the illusion that this person loved you only to learn later they are incapable of this emotion not only to love but bond with not only you but their own children as well this would and does have a deep impact on one’s life. The positive aspect would be that I learned to understand and grow personally from this experience which is leading me in a direction I never knew I would go. Giving me the courage to learn to help others caught in a “loveless” relationship and helping them to over come the pain and hurt associated with any type of dysfunctional relationship. Giving me the desirer to return to school and start a new career I would never had dreamed of years ago. In fact there is so much positive aspect from this experience and this type of relationship there isn’t really time or room to list them all... But there is a negative aspect as well... But only one... I and my children have learned matured and grow from this experience but the one we loved won’t not because she can’t no... She just doesn’t see any of it as “a problem”. I still hold out hope that maybe just maybe someday she will see how her life has turned out and then go for help and counseling but I just hope she won’t wait too long if she ever does. For you see the longer we wait the harder it gets for us to learn and heal.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 84 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/19/2008 7:18:28 AM
bathurstguy09 poster u kinda contradict yourself here by saying first of all quote :{I strongly believe that signes of jealousy right off the bat are the biggest red flag! Rereading the OP I really don’t see him contradicting himself but stating that both types of jealousy exists. Something that I too had a hard time understanding. What others refer to “normal jealousy” I call being concern about the actions of yourself (your feeling about the other party) and the actions of her. It’s normal to feel jealous now and then, but we can’t keep someone from having other friends. No one has the right to control whom we see or whom we choose as friends. The OP then goes on to explain why abnormal jealousy is also a type of control i.e. action by stating that no one does have a right to ban others from us simply in the name of jealousy. Communicating these “concerns” would bring about a more deeper understanding about how both people feel and allow choices to help bring some change or acceptance of their behavior. Normal jealousy normal concern about the relationship is something we all do and it in it’s self can help the relationship become stronger whenever these concerns are brought to light and discussed between both parties. I strongly believe that signes of jealousy right off the bat are the biggest red flag! Jealous people are angry people and need to learn how to recognize their behavior. Especially if they are jealous and have had to much to drink!!! I too agree that “abnormal jealousy” (see Post 58) is a very big concern and also a red flag that could or would dictate future behavior from that person in question. I also know that those persons who are emotionally more stable and secure in themselves will see this type of abnormal jealousy sooner then later in a new relationship. They would be able to do something about it before one becomes more emotionally involved with a person who shows these traits of “abnormal jealousy”.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 77 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/17/2008 7:26:20 AM
As soon as you enter the relationship, sooner of later, the unhealed aspects of yourself will be brought to light, is is inevitable. How you both learn to help each other to heal is the matter of your conscious mind. If you are unconscious, it will become negative, destructive, and abusive, it there is more consciousness in the relationship, there are higher chances of being 'healed'. Both of you, male and female, or partners if you are in homosexual relationship, are going to experience the dark side of yourself. Both of you are human, and will need the healing in the relationship. Thank you very much for posting this! Very good insight and how it explains so much when involved in any type of relationship. Thanks again!

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 72 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/16/2008 7:25:38 AM
And always look at the quality of people's previous relationships. It speaks volumes. Most people understand that past performance will dictate future behavior. The only problem here is getting this information insomuch that those who have a history of dysfunctional relationships will hide or deny the “real” problem(s) associated with that relationship. Some people who were in sociopathic relationship seek out those ex’s to see if they too were treated badly. Most reported back having experienced the same type of manipulation tactics lies and abuse. The only consistency i.e. red flag is that most will play the “blame game”. These type of individuals do what is called “projections” stating that their partners cheated on them (only to find out they were the cheaters in the relationship) or abuse them (again only to get confirmation sometimes that they are the abusers) and so on... Most people who were unfortunate enough to get involved with a sociopathic person learned that most will never know the full extend of their past relationships or life and never will get any type of personal closure regarding this person. Most would and do want to know “the whole story” concerning both parties but sometimes realistically this doesn’t happen. Most of us begin to learn that the only way to prevent and/or protect one self against dysfunctional relationships is to know and look for “red flags” in the beginning of a new relationship. Which is what this theme is all about. In short to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 59 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/15/2008 8:42:00 AM
a kind of emotion that goes with being infatuated with someone and feeling vulnerable. And of course Dr. Hupka agrees with you which is why he views this type of jealousy normal and so would I. If this was brought to my attention when in a “normal healthy” relationship I would validate her feeling with supportive encouraging confirmation as to why they may feel this way or I do. And I in fact might have done something to bring this feeling i.e. emotion to being. We are all human and each one makes mistakes and errors. But again by taking about your feeling and concerns will only bring about a more healthy and loving relationship. For whatever reason this statement (open communication with one's self and the person one is Jealous of) was been omitted and replace by healthy and unhealthy jealousy or normal and abnormal jealousy. In short it would be more productive and encouraging to discuss one’s feeling and the concerns of the other person then trying to define it at this time. This can be deal with later if and ever it becomes "abnormal and abusive". But one must also be careful insomuch that “normal” jealousy does and can escalate to “abnormal” jealousy.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 58 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/15/2008 8:15:10 AM
You have a myopic view of what we're are discussing. The term I wrote is a clinical term for a behaviour in response to an emotion. Never did I mention that anyone "owns" anyone. Get real. Everybody knows that they can't be owned. Sorry but people who control others do in fact feels a type of ownership. myopic: (n.) A visual defect in which distant objects appear blurred because their… (n.) Lack of discernment or long-range perspective in thinking or planning:… verityone that is a very interesting word you used and thank you. But please allow me to get back with you later on this statement. Also I have google this and found no links to positive possessiveness as a clinical term. So may I ask you were you received or found this information? Types of Jealousy Jealousy can be best divided into two main categories: normal and abnormal. As already mentioned, everyone experiences jealousy at some point, no matter how saintly they are. Dr. Hupka notes that labels can be attached to every type of situation that causes jealousy. Some of these include: Romantic jealousy: Dr. Hupka and many others believe that romantic jealousy is probably the most frequently experienced type of normal jealousy. In fact, according to PBS Nightly Business Reporter, the first fight romantic couples have usually involves jealousy, although couples usually move onto fighting about financial issues later on. Interestingly, a 2004 study published in Evolutionary Psychology found that, when asked about sexual versus emotional infidelity, respondents of both sexes reported more jealousy about their partner’s emotional infidelity. Work or Power jealousy: Simply enough, this form strikes people who are jealous about a "missed" promotion, salary level or other work-related issue. Friend jealousy: As mentioned in the section about adolescent jealousy, people are often fearful of "losing" a friend to an interloper. Family jealousy: Sibling rivalry is one trademark characteristic of this type of jealousy. Abnormal jealousy is often described by any one of a number of adjectives, including morbid, psychotic, pathological, delusional or anxious jealousy. According to Dr. Hupka, abnormal jealousy can be attributed to common issues including extreme insecurity, immaturity and being a "control freak." In some cases, however, it is due to a mental illness, such as paranoia or schizophrenia, or a chemical imbalance in the brain. Paranoia and schizophrenia can cause delusions of unfaithfulness, causing a jealous reaction. Extreme sensitivity can also contribute to jealousy in instances where a person perceives a threat to the relationship when there's no threat present. "It is not easy to determine when it changes into neurotic jealousy," says Dr. Hupka. "The latter is usually associated with the exercise of excessive control over the mate, who has unrealistic concerns about the mate’s faithfulness." He goes on to note that sufferers of this form of abnormal jealousy often exhibit behaviors such as calling the mate repeatedly to "check in" and going through the mate’s telephone and address books. Unrealistic concerns about the mate’s faithfulness." He goes on to note that sufferers of this form of abnormal jealousy often exhibit behaviors such as calling the mate repeatedly to "check in" and going through the mate’s telephone and address books. I found a lot of information on unhealthy i.e. abnormal jealousy but not much on normal jealousy. I stand on what I stated that any concerns should be voiced to the person that one feels jealous of. Discussing it and bringing it out to the open is what makes it healthy and constructive in a relationship but projecting it on someone else (your feeling of jealousy) doesn’t. Again communication about your concerns and feeling no matter what type (normal or abnormal jealousy) makes for a good healthy and long lasting relationship. Healthy jealousy A person who voices his concern over having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another man with her is also part of a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, a man is just looking out for his girlfriend's well-being and women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if you don't say anything. In ending lets agree that there is normal and abnormal jealousy. Now my question would be do you know the different and how does one go about when dealing with both kind?

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/14/2008 8:31:21 AM
What she speaks of is often termed "positive possessiveness". No one wants to lose what they value most in this world. It's a normal human reaction to defend against the loss, or threat of loss of something of great value. Sorry but people can’t be possessed or own by someone else. This is backward thinking and silly. Jealousy is also a backward type of emotion insomuch that is it counterproductive and emotionally unhealthy for the one who feels this “negativity” and then project it on to the target source. Positive and negative matter reject each other. You term which is “positive possessiveness” is really a double genitive A phrasal construction in English in which possession is indicated by the word of followed by the possessive form of a noun or pronoun, as in a relative of mine or a friend of Pat's. Also called double possessive. See Usage Note at "of". The key word here is possession of other person. Which again is backward and silly. We again have no right to own another person which is what jealousy represent. In short this object belongs to me and anyone who threaten to take it away from me will cause an emotion and reaction of Jealousy..

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 159 (view)

Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner? Posted: 11/14/2008 6:44:01 AM
As far as I'm concerned, it's her choice to be in these relationships. Does this make me ignorant? A terrible friend? No, I would say that your “survival instincts” just click in! And we can only hope that maybe someday your friends basic survival instincts will follow suit. Many trained professional people such as abuse counselors psychotherapist family court judges and police officers as well as family members and friends sometimes get to this point and know there is nothing or very little that they can do for this person who lives with and has accepted this type of dysfunctional and abusive life style.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 50 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/14/2008 6:24:40 AM
Look I think there are healthy levels of jealousy. It tells you a few things 1. that you actually have some degree of feelings for a person 2. that possibly you or your partner's behavior isnt what it should be Sorry but I must disagree with a concept or ego-ideal that there can be any type of “healthy” jealousy. Jealousy itself is a act of control over the person whom one is jealous of. We all know that any type of control and/or manipulation is abusive and unproductive in relationships. When one feels jealousy that person and not the source target (the person whom you feel jealous of) must look within one’s self and understand why they in fact feel this way. As I stated one should be concern about the actions and/or behavior of a person but should allow open and honest communication between the two. Jealousy is one sided which means only one person feels this emotion and the other one (target source) doesn’t. Jealousy itself stops communication and doesn’t allow both parties to understand the source and cause of this concern that might threaten a healthy open and honest relationship. We all may become jealous from time to time but if you look into one’s self and discover the reason(s) for your jealousy you learn something more about your self which then allows you to turn it around and explain it to the partner in question why you feel this way and then both parties can neither work on it or not. Jealousy it self doesn’t give anyone any options but honest open concern and communication does.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 155 (view)

Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner? Posted: 11/12/2008 7:42:57 PM
BigRed38, First allow me to say what a wonderful and honorable person you are for trying so hard to keep both child and father’s relationship alive! It is obvious that it’s the father who has issues and not your daughter of yourself. He signed up on POF and met someone a half an hour away and moved right in with her (of course not telling our daughter he had moved away AGAIN) and then met another one on here that lived two hours away and moved right in with her (what is wrong with these ppl moving in together immediately???) One thing about people who can attach to other people so quickly is that they can also detach just as quickly. People who form quick attachments (relationships) are emotionally shallow i.e. emotionally immature people who suffer from low self-esteem. They are also people who fear being alone and not in some type of relationship. We call these people relationship junkies. These relationships have nothing to do with the person they are now involve with because for relationship junkies any warm body will do. Because they are emotionally shallow as people they never form any type of long term relationship and they will never bond with that person but will quickly move on the next one if the current one isn’t working out. They also are the ones always looking for that “next” relationship. This of course explains why he isn’t working on his relationship with his own daughter. It is more then the fact that he “can’t” then he “won’t”. Emotionally healthy relationships take time and effort on our part. We bond with people emotionally and experience love and devotion for that person. A person who is emotionally empty and shallow can’t form any type of bonding. So leaving one relationship is easy and very simple for them. I do hope he will wake up and see what he is doing to his daughter you and himself. This may happen or it may never happen. All I do know is that it will only happen when he see his abuse (to his daughter) and acknowledge it to himself. Then and only then is when he might go for some type of counseling or therapy.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/12/2008 6:23:43 PM
Any type or form of jealousy is dysfunctional and show a lack of self respect for the object (target source) they deed to be jealous of. In short it is never right to be jealous of someone else. That doesn’t mean you can’t be concern about the way your partner may be behaving such as being too flirtatious or showing signs of cheating. Then one should talk with the other person and learn what they want and/or need to do concerning how you feel about their actions. The key here is and always will be open and honest communication between both parties. People who display any type of jealousy are in fact suffering from low self-esteem and personal power. A person who become jealous of someone doesn’t feel stable in that relationship. In short the jealousy have nothing to do with the target source (the person whom they are jealous of) but has everything to do with the person that is jealous. All jealousy does in the long run is to ruin a relationship because it is unhealthy emotionally. Jealousy destroys any trust between the two parties. Also jealousy takes away that person personal power and self respect of the target source. Making that person more of a possession i.e. object then a real person. People have died because of jealousy! O.J. Simpson told people that he in fact “loved Nicole Brown Simpson too much”. Did O.J. love Nicole so much that if he couldn’t have her then no one else could? Was Nicole O.J.’s possession and he had the right to do whatever he wanted too? How many people must die before we see “jealousy” as an unstable unhealthy emotional factor? Many might say that O.J. Simpson was free and found not guilty and that would be true but then why was he found liable and found guilty in a civil suit for the wrongful death of Nicole after her family brought him back to court concerning this issue? Why did courts and lawmakers form new laws concerning domestic violence soon after the trial of O.J. Simpson? Now in most state even if the abused doesn’t file charges against the abuser that state can now pick up the case and prosecute the abuser themselves. It may start with jealousy but it ends in abuse and violence.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/10/2008 2:58:54 AM
One of the characteristics of the abusers, is that they very quickly commit, almost instantly...this what I mean by there is something 'unreal' and a sense of fairy tale... like this is too good to be true. La Gioconda you would be correct but allow me to take this one step further. People who commit too quickly are emotionally immature as well. We all know that any “real” relationship takes time. All relationships are an investment and learning about each other again take time and effort with both parties. Which explains why people who commit so quick look silly and backward (unreal/fairy tale) because they are trying to bring about this relationship “backward”. People can be infatuated with someone they just met a few times but this isn’t love and should never be confused with love. Love takes time and effort to build and it never happens in a very short time.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence. Posted: 11/10/2008 2:30:33 AM
The biggest red flag(s) when getting involved with someone who has the potential of being a physical abuser is that they are already “verbal abusers”. But because some don’t recognize and/or understand when they may be verbally abused I suggest a visit to your local library and reserving this book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship How to recognize it and how to respond by: Patricia Evans The book is great for both layperson and professionals (psychotherapist) that explain the signs and damage that these relationship can cause. Jealous behavior is a red flag itself but is just a symptom of a more underlying problem(s) with the spouse that will abuse their partner verbally. Jealousy itself show us that person is emotional insecure in that relationship and most often then not it has nothing to do with the object of their jealousy. Which is something that jealousy does as well. When we become jealous we then choose to make that person into a object not a real person. Objects are possessions that we can be jealous of but people are not objects and we have no right to treat them as one. Anyway back to the book. Here are the categories of verbal abuse: 1. Withholding 2. Countering 3. Discounting 4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes 5. Blocking and diverting 6.Accusing and blaming 7. Judging and criticizing 8. Trivializing 9. Undermining 10. Threatening 11. Name calling 12. Forgetting 13. Ordering 14. Denial 15. Abusive anger This book is written mostly in the women’s perspective that Ms. Evans treats as clients but men too can and are verbally abused as well..

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 145 (view)

Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner? Posted: 11/9/2008 9:44:15 AM
jeff52649 I guess I am in that club. LOL sounds like we should start a club for I too am a member of this club. Guess I was lucky insomuch that both of my children were teenagers at the time and knew what she did was wrong and unfair to them. Also all of us are glad to see her off and am happier because of it. We do feel sorry for her because we know she just took her problems with her. But hey, they are her problem after all. But I do hope she will get the help she needs someday.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 144 (view)

Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner? Posted: 11/9/2008 9:29:05 AM
michuandme Thanks for sharing your poetry! For: Anyone who can write with a poet’s hand is in touch with themselves both spiritually and emotionally. Able to rise above his pain and share it with other without fear or shame To lift themselves if just for the moment above human suffering and pain To allow one’s heart exposed to the reader with hope only to share and learn That the poet’s words are releasing both emotions and spirit to those who can Learn from this poet’s words of humanity and empathy for all those that can Giving freely without payment or demand for their poetry like their hearts and souls No gold or silver can purchase a poet’s hand

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

when do you hide/delete profile? Posted: 11/9/2008 8:53:30 AM
psssst Of course there are more... but let's face it, an attention whore is pretty easy to spot because they just can't seem to be happy with the attention of one man... or woman... I have never heard of this term but it does fit some people. I would like to add something more to this term “attention whore” insomuch that people who fit this characteristic i.e. personality are those who are the most insecure. That in fact they “need” this attention and is what many of us refer to narcissistic supply. They “need” this constance attention and if one supply is unavailable or unable to then off to the next one in line. I also agree that they are in fact very very easy to spot if one knows what to look for. They never really come with any real desirer to share anything on a more personal experience or event(s) in their lives (of course one always needs to be careful about giving out personal information but can still post with “well this is what happen to me“ and/or “this is what I did to stop the abuse and/or harassment” ) when posting but instead they do what is called a Persuasive Blamers. Most see people and events as black and white. They tend not to offer any real solutions but only offer “snappy” one liners and/or comebacks and love I do mean love to define and criticizes others faster then a jack rabbit on a date. Any post will show only a interest in self and lack any type of empathy for the posters. Yes they are easy to spot and I hope most will see them and then spend as little time as possible for all they “really” want is your attention time and sometimes your money and nothing more.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 24 (view)

when do you hide/delete profile? Posted: 11/8/2008 6:04:30 AM
Would have to agree with some of the other Poster’s that stated “When you are in an exclusive relationship.” Of course this is something both of you have discussed and agree too. As for one of the reasons not too which would be “I just want to stay in touch with friends her at POF”. They are other means of contact other then this site.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 137 (view)

Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner? Posted: 11/7/2008 11:59:07 AM
I wouldn't be able to lie to her by saying yes. So great to hear you state that! Any type of lying or misrepresentation of how you feel on your part can only hurt your credibility and will leave you feeling cheated out of being who you are. People who are being controlled sometimes (more often then not) attack those who are trying to help. They side with the abuser for psychology and emotional reasons. Ask any police officer what is the situation they hate the most when being called for assistance and they will tell you “domestic” calls. Why? Because they never know how the situation will turn out! A person who has in fact been physically beaten by an abuser might and sometimes will become upset and may attack a police officer for arresting the abuser. Then the officer(s) now have two people to arrest. By being neutral which mean not taking sides will leave her to make the decision about how she feels and what she wants to do. Leaving her with the responsibility concerning her own life. Braddl1 in short this is really a no win situation for you. If you tell her what you think (which you will need to do at sometime) you become the enemy. If you don’t speak your mind you then become the enabler which ignores that there may even be a problem and this of course may go against how you feel which hurts you. And if you do nothing then you live with that personal decision for the rest of your life if things for her get worst. You really can’t win. So yes never lie to her and tell her how you feel but do so as a friend who refuses to take sides for her! It is her life and she need to take accountability and responsibility for that. What they do is ultimately their decision and both will live with it or deny it.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 75 (view)

In Love with my wife, but finances are killing me, Posted: 11/6/2008 7:02:45 AM
THIS PERSON (the op) HAS NOT BEEN INVOLVED WITH THIS THREAD SINCE 2005!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! True but it is a good lesson to be learned about partners and finance. One person who was going to marry asked to see her credit report which she did provide to him. After reading it he told her that he couldn’t marry her because his couldn’t afford her. This man save himself and her a lot of financial problems as well as a lot of emotional turmoil by simply asking for her financial information. Some may call this unfair or even discriminatory but I beg to differ. Any relationship is a also a partnership and all information before any agreement come to bear should be fully know to both partners. Whenever we married (unless there is a legal financial agreement between the two parties ) someone we assume not only the emotional support of that person but their financial support and obligation as well both past and present. Of course this goes both ways. The thread itself is old but the topic is alive and well.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

For moms who lost kids in custody battle Posted: 11/5/2008 6:24:08 PM
Whenever I read a blog or post by someone I try very hard to read “between the lines” and see what the poster is really trying to express. So with that stated here is what I see and what might be the cause for some of your concerns. I just want to be prepared in case my ex lets it get put into his head that he should go for custody of our son. From this entry I believe you witness some activities on his part that would give you some need to think “ahead”. People who tend to do this have seen the other partner act out of character or change quickly and without warning. You are preparing for something that “might” happen which can only mean something like this (maybe not a child rearing issue) has in fact happen before with him. I was just asking in case my son's father decides to try it. There have been changes in his life lately and these changes, especially if a little bird whispers in his ear, very well may make him try such a foolish thing. Strange but his person sounds like he can be “easily” influence by other people or ideals from other sources. Still you stated that if he “try such a foolish thing” he would have a hard time getting sole custody which I have to agree with you. Still I believe you have witness him doing things that might not had been in his best interest or even the best interest of the child. Also you have tried to maintain some type of relationship between father and son which show me you are a responsible caring person. Which also goes in your favor. To give a bit more detail. My son's father and I were never married. We were together the first year of my son's life (he's six now) and even then I was the main care giver and nothing has changed in that aspect. I have always been the responsible one. At one point I did have sole custody. Then after some things got straigtened out I agreed to joint custody. And since then his father has been a big part of his life. Here you state that you have in fact been the main caregiver to you son for 6 years now. One rule is whoever (unless abuse has been a issue) has been the main caregiver for a child that person carries with them long term time with the child and both caregiver and child have in fact bonded. In short taking a child away from this caregiver which the child has bonded with has been know to cause psychological harm to the child. Any judge (again unless the caregiver is abusing the child) would have a very hard time deciding against this long term caregiver. Also you stated that some type (by the courts or just between you two?) of agreement by both parents that joint custody was granted. Any type of custody case can always be challenge at anytime during the child life time. But unless something has changed with one or both parents that would warrant the need to overturn a already existing court order the possibility of doing so are very slim indeed. You do have a lot going for you but still you may have seen your ex do something that has cause you some concern in his past which would explain why you are preparing for something that “may” happen. Also all state do in fact have different laws concerning custody cases but one rule for all judges in any state is they must ensue that whatever they decide it must always be in “the best interest of the child”.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 123 (view)

Would you give up custody of your kids and move away just to be with a new partner? Posted: 11/5/2008 5:23:43 PM
Well her family said that they were a little worried about her, but that she was an adult and that it was out of their hands. In other words, they couldn't do anything about it. She also told them that I was just jealous of her happiness. Which is totally crazy to begin with. But I have talked to them again. Well they of course would be right about her being a adult and that this relationship will and always did rest in her hands. Still if her parent are a bit concern this show you that they too see some changes in her that appear irregular and warrants some concern. Not sure why she “believe” you are jealous of her happiness insomuch that you sound like it been over between the two of you for some time. We dated yrs ago and remained friends Like some posters already stated maybe in a way this was a call for help but then why you and not a family members? If she does try to call you again try to be as neutral as possible and ask her only open end question. A example would be: Sounds like you are very happy which is great! Do you have any plans for your free time now that you don’t have full custody of the children.? Ask only questions concerning her and not her husband unless she offer information herself. Be as neutral as possible in this way you don’t appear as a threat or anything you might say can be consisted one sided or judgmental. You stated you remained friends so it would be best to do just that and be a neutral unjudgmental "friend".

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

I'm the Other Guy Posted: 11/4/2008 8:52:05 PM
Well, sad to say but i'm looking for advise on a real bad situation. I'm a sucessful 32 year old guy who is single who lives alone. Okay the OP states that his “situation” isn’t good insomuch that he is having sex with a married woman and has some guilt for doing so. One point to readers is that “guilt and shame” isn’t the same. Guilt is what we do and shame is who we are. My friend introduced me to a girl about 4 months ago. We hit it off right away and the sparks flied. We hooked up sexually immedialely and hung around as much as possible. About 2 weeks later I get a text saying she is separated (I had no idea she was married) and trying to work it out with her hubby. OP states that both couple spend a lot of time together right? Well if she is at that time “separated” from her husband there should have been some clues that that she was married. A ring or some kind of picture? And where did they spend all their alone time at his place and never her place? A hotel? Questions questions.. I back away. She calls me frequently and I agree to see her. We hook up and things are back to normal, except she is married and has a husband at home. I accept this behavior in myself for about a week and finally grow some morals. I end it due to the bad situation. OP states here that both are back together and thing are “normal” again? Okay please explain to me how being with a married women and having a sexual relationship with her (remember he knows now) normal in any sense of the word? Fast forward to today. We have hooked up quite frequently since but now I have ended it for good. God if only I could believe that! OP I do hope for your sake as well as the married woman that you have in fact “ended” it. That would be the honorable thing to do. My question is this to the forum, why do I miss this person so much??? This woman has a power over me that makes me melt when I see her. Going cold turkey sucks. Any advise?? This “question” is unanswerable insomuch that the OP is asking someone to do his thinking and feeling for him. No one can do that for another person. The question it self is silly and backward. As for any “advise” I believe other posters here have given him that in abundant. So I stand on my first post Wishes Granted LMAO! Yes this thread it very dreary idiotic and pointless...

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 821 (view)

Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder) Posted: 11/4/2008 7:20:04 PM
This letter is written by the only recovering BPD I have ever heard of...it hit me right in the heart, but I needed to read it and learn the lesson. She is well known and has a website if you are interested in more information. I copied it as it was written...so, don't write me about any typos. CAN A NON-BORDERLINE HELP A BORDERLINE? Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to put this on POF forum. I no doubt know it will help not only the person(s) who suffers who a Personality Disorder but also those that love them and care for them dearly! Also thanks for Ms. A.J. Mahari for sharing this with us and answering questions many of us have been asking for years. Thanks!

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 72 (view)

In Love with my wife, but finances are killing me, Posted: 11/4/2008 5:51:25 PM
I love my wife very much, but I'm at wits end with our finances. Since we've been married, she has bankrupted me, does not pay bills on time, had my vehicle repoed. She refuses to admit that she does not know how to handle money. We are constantly getting late bills and calls from bill collectors. I had perfect credit before we got married. Now, I'm having trouble getting an auto loan. And now, she wants to move into a new house but we don't even qualify for a loan. She keeps saying God will provide. Should have asked to see her credit report “before” exchanging vows... Too late now but hope Stevie had better luck next time!

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 61 (view)

why does he still lie? Posted: 11/4/2008 5:31:09 PM
"This will never happen to me." After the initial shock wore off, I suddenly realized I shouldn't take her attacks on me personal when we broke up. That's just how she handles those situations... the other person is always the bad guy in order for her to garner the sympathy she needs from those who are still in her life. There were at least 3 friends in our 5 year relationship whom I saw her do this to. They did nothing to deserve the attacks she made on them but I ignored it. I was a "stand by my woman man" even when I knew she was wrong. We call this the smear campaign and all abuser do it. It is like two enemy on two different sides of the boarder. Both enemies know whoever strikes first will do the most damage. Abuser execute this smear campaign to discredit the victim knowing that the abuse may come out and be expose (lies as well) so if they discredit the victim most will see them as being bitter and spreading lies about the abuser. This campaign work very well at first but sooner or later the abuser is exposed because their lies can’t suffer the test of time and many see the abuser for who they really are. Whenever this happen they just move away (sometimes at great distances) and start the abuse elsewhere. Wonder how many had this conversation with a friend. “Hey haven’t seen Johnny around later, have you? No, can’t say I have! Wonder what ever happen to him?...

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 48 (view)

I'm the Other Guy Posted: 11/4/2008 4:37:11 PM
This woman is married. If you cannot keep your hands off her- go tell her husband, my guess is he will take care of your weak ass problem for you. LMAO! Yes this thread it very dreary idiotic and pointless...

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 54 (view)

why does he still lie? Posted: 11/3/2008 10:16:03 PM
I mean, can you even keep track of that many lies????? Really they can’t which would explain why most if not all of these type of relationships end up in divorce court. Lies themselves are unable to stand the test of time. Lies which are build on falsehood need a forever supply of other lies to keep it standing. Soon the very weight and faulty structure starts to bend then collapses on it’s own. Unlike the truth which is definitive and can in fact stand the test of time remains the same truth tomorrow just as it is today. Pathological liars know this which explain why most if not all are always on the look out at for the next “partner” even before the present one has ended. Which explain why most don’t like to tell other partners about past relationships knowing full well their lies will be exposed and the lying would be discuss between the two people. Whenever someone lies it is to keep someone or something in the dark. Lies keep people off balance and ignorant of what is really going on which is why lying is a type of abuse. When one lies that person is trying to control a person and/or a group of people. Control to is also a type of abuse.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 35 (view)

why does he still lie? Posted: 11/2/2008 3:35:57 PM
~OP~ First of all, all of the "arm-chair-psychologists" need a degree of some reasonable sort to diagnose someone's "issues" and quite frankly, I don't believe those exist here on POF. How do you know that? In fact you don’t and just made a assumption and we all know what happens so ever we assume anything. Sigh. I'm with you. My ex is an azz. He's caused me grief for a very long time, including this past weekend. So what???? People who allow bad behavior are called enablers that refuse to see or do anything about the problem(s) and then because part of the problem(s). I've moved on, someone loves me very much ~ his loss No whenever two people who loved each other once and when it ends both partner suffer to some degree. Also both share this loss not just one. Wouldn’t you agree? I prefer to view the good things he gave to my life and yes, there were some. Water under the bridge is exactly what history is and if those here don't get it ~ add them to the "misery" that loves to wallow here in POF forums. This statement defines other people here in POF or everywhere really. No one has the right to define another person. I've gotten jaded previously due to the comments here ~~~~~ shame on me!! I am sure you have and no doubt will be in the future. Someone recently asked me what I think a "man-hater" is ~ well ...... doesn't take much to gather that info. Just read a few Broken Hearts, or a few of these threads you address. Really no comment on this one for it speaks for itself. There are those of us who love the opposite sex, who treasure them and who realize we are part of the problem in that particular situation'. Those like you ~ one step ahead of the rest. You'll be just fine!!! Love him for the positive things....leave the rest. You'll benefit in the end. Good luck to ya. JMO Again people who define other people see them as themselves. Denying that person who is define their own individuality and personal power. Most people who understand this see how silly and backward it really is. In truth no one knows how another person feels thinks or what they likes or dislikes. And if they do they really being dishonest with those they define and themselves as well.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 34 (view)

why does he still lie? Posted: 11/2/2008 3:02:26 PM
Quixotically, its the partners and others involved in a BPD's life that can benifit from therapy. Running away can be effective too! Interesting is that most psychotherapist see and treat only the victim of this disorder and not the person who cause the emotional abuse. Some unless order by the courts or some other legal reason refuse to go and be tested. Also many Trained Professionals admit that for some therapy can make them worst insomuch they learn how to fool even the psychotherapist themselves. Many professional that deal with APD (Antisocial Personality Disorders) have see this happen many many times in the course of their careers.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

why does he still lie? Posted: 11/2/2008 2:42:17 PM
As an aside, BPDs will often try to re-engage you into their lives. It's called "hoovering" as in the vacuum cleaner. I feel for you Lil Brooker is correct in this that people who suffer from PD (Personality Disorder) don’t give closure after the relationship has crash and burned. Also most PD’s are in fact pathological liars which again is just the symptom of a much deeper psychological dilemma. Professional trained people who try to deal with them found it frustrating draining and most just give up or the client just quit coming to their sessions. What possible hope is there for us laypeople in dealing with them? So I agree with the other posters unless you “need” to have some contact with this person, I wouldn’t.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 43 (view)

How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him??? Posted: 11/2/2008 4:49:20 AM
Please be safe. Don't wait. Call the police today. This is no doubt the best line of action insomuch it begins a paper trail. Any type of physical response on your part can and would not help you when trying to deal with his problem. Again you (which I sure you don’t) shouldn’t feel any type of accountability or responsibility for his actions. This is something he will need to deal with later on if he still “doesn’t” get it. Good luck!

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

why does he still lie? Posted: 11/2/2008 4:25:50 AM
Some people are pathological liars which need to lie even when the truth would have been better. One associate of my puts it this way. Pathological liars are like alcoholics. Just like a alcoholics needs to drink Pathological liars need to lie. People who drink and are alcoholics do so because something is missing or isn’t working in them on a more personal level. Alcohol fills that void in them. Pathological liars need to lie because they too are dysfunctional and when they lie it filled a void in themselves. Most Pathological liars have trust issues and justify lying because they believe everyone else lies to them. Pathological liars also have insecurity issues as well as other issues that they need to deal with if they ever do. This is the way I look at those that are in fact Pathological liars. When we get a head cold we get the symptoms of having a cold or flu right? The symptoms isn’t the cold itself no the symptoms just tell us we have a cold. Well pathological lying is the same thing. It is a symptom of something that is much bigger that is wrong with this person. So if one wanted to stop lying they first would need to understand why they have a need to do so. One other thing about Pathological liars is that they lie to themselves more then they lie to others. Which makes this psychological defect i.e. character flaw even sadder.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 33 (view)

How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him??? Posted: 11/1/2008 3:09:39 AM
How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him??? Well for me trust and honesty works fine for me. And then after being honest with someone who just doesn’t “get it” then that would be their problem not yours.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

i hooked up with a guy i like from work but ... Posted: 10/31/2008 7:11:36 PM
he kept talking about his sexual conquests, Really don’t know much about this guy but there is a old saying which is “Gentleman don’t tell” so I can say he isn’t a gentleman. Also I have to agree with other posters that dating people from work can be a bit risky at best so I would be careful about that.

Spellbreaker

Joined: 10/26/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

Not ready for a relationship but ready for FWB? Posted: 10/31/2008 6:30:00 PM
You need to ask yourself a question which is “what is really a good friend?” Well I went through a bad spot and he sent me a lot of romantic texts, talking about how he could treat me better, I deserve to be treated like only he can, only he knows what I need, and we agreed to try to start a relationship, visiting each other every other weekend. Does a good friend “use” you when they “know” you just went thru a very hard time with another relationship that may have ended badly? He topped it off by telling me I was "perfect." When I asked him "perfect for what?" He said "perfect for me." We said our goodbyes and things were great. Does a good friend tells you the truth and nothing but the truth? Friends don’t lie to each other but enemy do. When I got home he began to be distant. The texts were short, few and far between. Is a good friend there for you on a more steady timeline or only when it is convenient for them? Now he is back to ignoring my texts, ignoring me online, and treating me like dirt. Does a friend treat his “friends” like this? Wouldn’t a “real” friend know how much this can and does hurt someone? Well I guess with “friends” like him you don’t need enemies.

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