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Thread: What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy? Posted: 10/6/2009 1:22:12 PM
I want to focus on building emotional bridges. In a new relationship, as we move into this more intimate realm, sometimes incompatibilities crop up and we become aware that this relationship isn't forever. We've all been disappointed. How many here have been successful? This thread was started in the hopes that this community would share your collective wisdom on the basic building blocks of emotional and mental intimacy. I'm not real certain of the question here - are you asking for the sure fire route to a solid relationship which will last eternally so the trial and error method can be eliminated and one can just step into the real deal? I suspect that the bulk of us are doomed to some disappointments in our lives, some of us may be doomed to many disappointments. I would suggest that as we search for an ideal relationship which encompasses mental, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy the process begins with some type of attraction. If the attraction is mutual the relationship continues. As it continues - our individual human flaws begin to surface and become apparent to the other party. At this stage we make choices as to whether or not the flaws outweigh the good characteristics and decide whether to continue or break off. Perhaps we are aware we make these decisions and perhaps they are not consciously made. Then again, sometimes what we are willing to accept at some stage becomes something we are no longer willing to accept at another point in time. We grow, we change, we move on. Someone might be ideal for us, yet we aren't the ideal for them. I truly don't know - other than that we take chances and risks and expose our true selves to another, we then make decisions and choices and as we do so - the relationship grows and strengthens or weakens and dies. It's like the line in the song by the Beatles - "Christ - you know it ain't easy"

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 51 (view)

Shoot Guns on a first date!! Posted: 7/23/2009 9:53:24 AM
Anyone have thoughts and views on this? Any of these ladies got older sisters up here in the Midwest?

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 198 (view)

Does anyone have anything good to say about their EX? Posted: 7/9/2009 9:55:39 AM
I really don't have anything bad to say about them. As for dumper/dumpee - I think our partings were by mutual agreement - not sure either of us got "dumped" in that respect For me - Willy and Waylon put it best when they sang "they ain't wrong - they're just different" - substitute "we" and "we're" for "they" and "they're" and it pretty well sums it up

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

bringing a dog to the first meet Posted: 6/26/2009 10:34:55 AM
Dog would be ok A fish, snake, turtle or llama might cause me concern. Actually - Did do a meet where the lady brought the dog. Although I wasn't expecting it - it really didn't bother me all that much - it was a good sized dog and my thought was he was along for safety, protection, security whatever. Given some of the stories one hears about the possible dangers involved in a meet and greet I didn't have a real problem with it. The amount of dog hair on the seat did raise my eyebrows - I'm not the neatest kid on the block but my thought was I would have thrown a blanket over the seat at least and more likely vacuumed the upholstery prior to picking someone up but whatever. Surprised is probably an overstatement -

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 95 (view)

Why are there so many attractive women on POF? Posted: 6/25/2009 2:58:54 PM
OP Your next assignment comes in two parts - should you choose to accept it - one is to ask some of the women you deem attractive out - the second part is to revisit this subject with a report on the success of your mission. Usual disclaimers about getting caught or captured during your mission. Unfortunately - this post won't self destruct and I'll no doubt be subjected to numerous slings and arrows - I'll try to take it like a man

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 63 (view)

How far would you travel for a love affair? Posted: 6/25/2009 2:32:01 PM
A - I'd be up for a couple of blocks provided there was a picnic involved and the menu included fried chicken, some real good potato salad and no bugs. B - Assuming we're talking one way here: 1. 1561.34 miles 2. 653.45 miles 3. Either 405.7 or 408.61 miles depending on whether it was KC MO or KC KS I was in. These are according to Mapquest - your mileage may vary Now whether there be "no fool like an old fool" or no - these are in chronological order and I note with my usual acumen that as I have aged - my travels have shortened. Then again - air fare and travel restrictions have increased and gas prices have risen considerably. Haven't tried leaving the states. Then again - I'm not the governor PS - OP - If you're going to keep that bird around - you really need to get an eyepatch and a cutlass to go with it.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 63 (view)

Why do we have rules? Posted: 6/12/2009 2:12:53 PM
A. By this time 45+ I have to wonder why we have rules? B. What exactly drives you to being here in the first place? I'm having trouble connecting the dots between A and B

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

Do plentyoffish pages load faster for you since last week ? Posted: 6/12/2009 7:09:56 AM
Getting a lot of "Server Busy" responses. Happens at various times of the day. Have never gotten that type of response prior to this. Generally - when these occur - things are loading really slow if at all Thought at first it might have to do with school being out for summer and kids playing -if others are getting the same - maybe that's not it

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 178 (view)

Why Are Over 45 Men In Love With Motorcycles? Posted: 4/29/2009 4:36:44 PM
Actually - I'm seeing a lot more females with bikes in their pictures than there used to be. If you stood me up against the wall and threatened to shoot me unless I answered your topic question - I'd have to say it'd be a toss up between little yappy dogs and cleavage shots.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

Is it childish secrets and combover Posted: 4/29/2009 4:27:00 PM
I think it's too late to change him now - I'd be seriously rethinking that marriage deal.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Would you rather just be told??? Posted: 4/16/2009 1:02:10 PM
In this case - "no answer" actually is an answer for me.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 71 (view)

Why are so many attractive people divorced? Posted: 4/16/2009 12:55:21 PM
After countless hours of pondering the phenomenon - I have concluded the situation results from our having become a "throw away" society. Things have just ratcheted up a notch from throwing out the toaster because it's cheaper to get a new one than to fix the old one to how one deals with relationships. On the other hand - maybe there is something to "beauty is only skin deep". My head hurts

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 53 (view)

Planning vs Spontaneity Posted: 3/11/2009 2:53:00 PM
Personally I'm spontaneous...but I think that we should plan everything. How the hell does that work? Are you a "spontaneous" "planner"? I rarely plan things - saves a lot of disappointment when things don't happen like I thought they should.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through? Posted: 3/11/2009 2:49:43 PM
Don't know if it qualifies as a crisis situation and I didn't see it as a "do or die" point in my life either - but - Somewhere in my mid 40s I decided to finish the degree program I had started on back in 1966. Quit a job of 19 years and did it. I do know that part of the decision involved me telling myself that I didn't have a spouse or children to be concerned about providing with food and housing, only myself to take care of. Never regretted it, in fact I wish I had done it sooner. PS - Already had the motorcycle and traded the mini van for an older one so I wouldn't have any more payments to make.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 129 (view)

50 and retired Posted: 3/6/2009 7:08:22 AM
The one time I asked the same question - and pursued it to the ultimate end (a truthful answer) it turned out the lady who "retired" at 52 was actually 62. I haven't asked the question again.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 23 (view)

How would you handle yourself.....basicly a what if Posted: 3/6/2009 6:49:27 AM
I think I'd have to put myself in the place of the fellow with cancer and be thinking - "Hmm, been with her 15 years and she ditches out on me when I'm sick?" If she did it to her present SO - she's most likely going to do it to the "old" friend. I suppose it mostly depends on what the dude is looking for and which head he's thinking with. As for me - color me gone.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

Can you be to good to a person in a relationship? Posted: 3/6/2009 6:39:34 AM
It's the old "it's not you - it's me" song - just a different rhythm and beat

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

Testimonies do they help or not? Posted: 3/5/2009 6:30:06 AM
When I see them - my first question always is - hmm - if the subject of the testimony is worthy of all the praise - what made the writer's relationship with her go south? I've only seen one that explained that sort of thing - they lived some distance apart and neither party was willing to move. All in all - they leave me wondering "Ok, where's the hidden flaw?"

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 227 (view)

Have you ever written to someone without seeking a date? Posted: 2/24/2009 12:54:12 PM
Hell yeah I figure this place is kind of like standing in line at the supermarket or waiting for an elevator. I totally believe in talking to somebody while they're here - not telling the person in line behind you at the funeral home how great they were. I've been here long enough to have figured out I don't have a sense of humor, I can't dance and don't look like Brad Pitt (or whoever today's heart throb is).

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 81 (view)

In hindsight,what was the VERY first sign that the relationship wasnt going to work? Posted: 1/15/2009 4:34:45 PM
With hindsight? She said she was high maintenance - apparently I didn't have a clue what that really meant.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 53 (view)

words as bait Posted: 1/9/2009 10:22:27 AM
Did we really need another "Size is Important" thread ? Crap - here I thought we were finally going to resolve that age old question (Does size matter?). Alas, it's not to be.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 130 (view)

Simple things you remember about someone special - past or present Posted: 11/10/2008 7:46:21 AM
A smile that was as big as the sky and a greeting when I came home

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 78 (view)

In Love with my wife, but finances are killing me, Posted: 11/7/2008 8:48:57 AM
good grief you guys.. Pammie why did you resurrect a thread started in 2005 when you didnt really have a new question about this but were giving advice to the OP that posted this almost 4 years ago? Better yet - why did a (then) married guy come to a dating site and ask for financial advice?

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Signs a guy likes you Posted: 2/15/2008 6:55:50 AM
If a guy ___________________, then you know he likes you. Washes the dishes Makes the bed Visits your relatives (more than the obligatory once)

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 93 (view)

now that you are OLDER/MIDDLE AGED, do you spend less time on grooming? Posted: 2/15/2008 6:47:53 AM
I've found that having to trim the excess ear and nose hair more than makes up for not having hair to comb.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Reality check Posted: 2/15/2008 6:40:15 AM
Way to bust my bubble Here I was thinking of lowering my age group search 'cause the gals my age are rejecting me!

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 69 (view)

What Is The Worst Thing You Could Say To A Guy To Scare Him? Posted: 2/12/2008 9:23:26 AM
Here's a few that make my eyebrows raise: Calling me by someone else's name Responding to an email from me in a manner that is so blatantly off topic/point that it is clear she got her emails confused and is answering someone else I rarely IM or respond to them - but long delays in response time are indicative of something amiss (such as - IMing several of us at once) The "I think I'm pregnant" deal has already been mentioned "Do you mind if my SO joins us?" is undoubtedly a deal breaker Constantly beating me at card/board games Constantly "letting me win" (in an obvious manner) at card/board games When my "man's mind" finally recognizes something is askew and I ask "What's wrong?" it means I want to resolve the issue - continued silent treatment/cold shoulder is not working towards that resolution.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

What does she mean Posted: 1/23/2008 5:50:45 PM
So i met this girl at the bar I think that pretty well sums it up

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 57 (view)

Should what you post on the forums be included on profile page? Posted: 1/18/2008 12:21:31 PM
Yeah - I think they should be there Provides additional insight beyond the canned responses available on the profile In fact - it ought to be a prerequisite to putting up a profile - minimum number of forum posts before your profile shows

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 83 (view)

What made her 'unforgettable' Posted: 1/16/2008 1:03:25 PM
She called a spade a shovel There were no hidden agendas When I was in the doghouse - I knew why I was there

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 103 (view)

What have you learned from online dating ? Posted: 1/16/2008 12:43:07 PM
1) I haven't had a match since Superman died 2) Patience (Monty; patience) 3) To shut off my "Viewed a profile" thingy 4) That the odds are pretty good if I find someone of interest - it's not reciprocal 5) POF has an odd sense of geography - matches from the next state will show up - yet it skips over the lady 10 miles down the road in the next town. 6) I get more matches if I dial down the age group about a decade or so 7) Noone seems to be able to answer my query about "If opposites attract - why do sites insist on matching us up?" 8) I'm not getting any younger 9) Attraction seems to be directly proportional to distance 10) The forums aren't nearly as fun as they used to be

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

when things slow down Posted: 12/17/2007 7:43:10 AM
Seems to me that when the honeymoon phase is over - one is ready for the next level. That would be the level where "likin' turns to lovin' ". Color me crazy, but if I could be completely objective I'd welcome the end to the glitz and glamour safe in the knowledge that I was now able to begin finding out whether I was in the beginning of a truly meaningful relationship.

40chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Dating anology Posted: 9/26/2007 5:39:58 PM
Any thoughts? Only a few cliches - You can lead 'em to water - but you can't make 'em drink A rose by any other name is still a rose Gilding the lily Etc. I don't know that one can ever reduce something to science when human nature is a factor. I've gone fishing for walleyes - but somehow other species manage to end up on the hook more often than not.

40chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

What do you think about people who see therapists? Posted: 9/26/2007 5:21:38 PM
What do you think about people who see therapists? I think that I think a lot more highly of them than I do of those who need to and don't.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

GUYS , HAVE YOU EVER DATED A WOMAN FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND NOT MAKE A Posted: 8/8/2007 6:43:21 AM
Yeah I've done it. If I was to go lay on a couch and have someone shrink my head for big bucks to get the reason - I'd say it was because I enjoyed her company and what we had going and I wasn't willing to risk screwing that up by making a move. Bottom line - she told me to "ratchet it up a notch" or move on. God bless an honest - straight forward woman. I'm not good with "signs, body language, etc." - in retrospect - I recognize they were there - I just wasn't catching them. Moral of the story - if you aren't happy with the way things are progressing - tell the other person - maybe they just aren't "getting it".

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

Returning To School At Age 60! Did You Go Back Later in Life? Posted: 8/8/2007 6:08:12 AM
I quit a job I'd had for 19 years at 44 to finish the degree I started in 1966. Pretty much blew most of my savings account. It was a little "scary" at first, especially when I found out that it was going to take a couple of years to finish rather than the one year I had planned on initially. I found that my learning abilities had changed with age - but life's experiences compensated for that. Several of us "non-traditional" (older) students formed a group, met for coffee, lunch, BS sessions which I found truly helpful. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Congratulations - Ben Franklin supposedly said - "Let a man empty his purse into his head" or something of that order. Go get 'em

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

Do men really need to feel needed? Posted: 5/10/2007 6:57:04 AM
I suppose it might just be semantics but are we talking "needed" or "wanted"? In brief - yeah, I need to feel "useful" and I probably like to show off how "handy" I am even though at times I can outdo Tim the Tool Man. For me - there's a big difference between asking for help and being helpless.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Are men intrigued or intimidated when a woman makes more $ then they do.? Posted: 5/10/2007 6:44:26 AM
For me it wouldn't be a matter of income levels being different. What would matter is the difference in life styles you seem to be suggesting. While it may be better to give than to receive - I like a sense of balance in a relationship from whatever aspect. Color me macho or old fashioned - I don't know that I would be "intimidated" by your scenario - but I would for sure become uncomfortable with it in a short time. Then again - I've never been in that situation. Maybe I could learn to be a gold digger.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

I send a short story and get snippets back. Augghhhhh Posted: 4/15/2007 2:37:19 PM
My P/M's are in depth on various subjects and always positive with some humor and compliments thrown in for good measure. What I get back is short answers and somewhat to the point. I cant get to know someone better with these little snippet replys. Are these then "one sided" conversations with you dominating them? While they may be interesting to you are the "various subjects" of interest to the opposite party? You might share your purpose and objective (getting to know them better) with them to see if you're all singing from the same hymal. Personally - when I'm of the opinion that I'm doing what you describe - I remove myself from the equation. I don't need a partner to talk to myself.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 63 (view)

Advantages of NOT posting a picture Posted: 4/3/2007 3:56:45 PM
What are some other advantages of NOT posting your picture? As a comic in all seriousness - not having to explain why you don't "look" like your pic would seem to be a big plus

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 3783 (view)

Give a Little Bit Posted: 4/3/2007 2:45:40 PM
Bubble Gum In My Hair Bubble gum in my hair I'm stuck to everywhere Need to make a trip To hear the barber's snip Bubble gum in my hair Now ain't that somethin rare Next subject Walking Sticks

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

womens profile pics and conveying a message Posted: 4/3/2007 2:40:39 PM
But I really don't understand the feet pictures. What's up with that? Really....I wanna know.... @Sunny - "Feet - what feet - where'd you see feet?" OT I think we could really have some fun with this thread except it got personal and that's just not good

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

womens profile pics and conveying a message Posted: 4/3/2007 1:03:31 PM
What do you think? Some thoughts: I think it's bad when I have trouble finding an interesting topic and post in the "Ask a girl" section I think you've been posting almost non-stop since about 6 (by whatever time zone this site is on) this morning and you're tired I think I wonder if you'd prefer a "garter belt" shot - (according to your profile) I think you're trying to turn profile pics into some kind of abstract art gallery and I don't follow your interpretations any better than I did my Art 101 professor's I think that if Dancer's profile is the one in question (you deny it - she seems to offer evidence to the contrary) - she successfully creates a montage which complements the rest of the profile I think she had me at the Dale Earnhardt plate I think I wonder why you care what I think I think all this thinking gives me a headache

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

What is your favorite place to canoe? Posted: 4/3/2007 9:08:25 AM
You're in my state so I doubt I could recommend any rivers. My favorite used to be a little river about a hundred yards from my house. I could drive a few miles out of town, throw in, take a leisurely 3-4 hour cruise downriver and end up in my backyard. The last time I did it though it was so low and full of deadfalls and logjams we spent more time out of the canoe than in it. Absolute best place? Beyond all doubt - Boundary Waters - Late 60s before the yuppies found it.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 33 (view)

Coffee guide for Astrological Signs Posted: 4/1/2007 3:31:44 PM
Cancer: Cozy Cancer is right at home with a mocha -- all the comfort of cocoa. <------- Derisive snorts Ain't happening Regular coffee coffee - straight up No girly drinks, flavors, dilutions Only due to Dr.'s orders and a wish to see a few more sunrises and sets have I switched to Decaf and I don't know why I bother - might as well be drinking warm brown water.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Who is on your favorites lists? Posted: 4/1/2007 3:17:20 PM
I've done it because it allows one to see when they were last active on the site. I've done it because I was interested and didn't have time just then to read the profile fully, intending to go back and do so. Regarding the above, in at least one case either through an interruption, a Freudian slip or old age memory lapse - I've forgotten to remove them, and did so rather sheepishly as soon as I discovered what I had done. I've done it because I found their forum posts to be humerous, witty, and/or insightful and wanted to read future posts from them. And, in all honesty, I've done it to see if there might be interest in return which might prompt a message. Since I tend to be a curious beast - if I'm going to list someone for any length of time - I tend to send a message first asking if they mind and giving the reason for listing them.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

active vs homebody...can it work? Posted: 4/1/2007 2:56:01 PM
BUT he can only meet for initial contact either tuesday, wednesday, or thursday at about 6:45 or 7 pm. He's being "active" somewhere else also. If he's really interested - he'll flex his schedule and not just his muscles.

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

bi- focals Posted: 4/1/2007 2:48:55 PM
First pair I damn near killed myself when I stepped off the curb outside the Dr.'s office. I've been through the cheap set trying to "save' money thing. Took them back numerous times only to hear them swear there was nothing wrong with the glasses. Finally went to a higher priced place and asked "What's wrong with these?" - they had the line in the wrong place on one lens. Opted for their brand and all was fine again. Apparently only a slight difference in the placement makes a huge difference in how they perform. Prescription has changed again and this time I tried the single distance - two sets of glasses thing. Pain in the ass switching (driving to trying to read a map) but I haven't gotten $400 worth of aggravated yet. Only problem is so far that I find I will need another pair for computer use - the reading glass set doesn't work for it. Have tried numerous of the 10 dollar "readers" and none of them work. Curious thing is I sat down at a computer at the eyeglass place and "tried" it. Worked fine there - but, as someone has said - my setup must be at a different distance than that one was. It's hell to be old

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

How long have you been using internet dating sites... Posted: 4/1/2007 2:28:28 PM
Longer than I can remember if I get to include "computer dating" which came about before I knew what "internet" was and quite possibly before there was such a critter. Which brings me to a question I've asked myself more than a few times. The sites seem to work by "matching" - yet as I reflect on past relationships both good and bad - it seems the "best" relationships I've been in would have to be categorized as "opposites attract". Go figure

40Chev

Joined: 11/7/2005

Msg: 59 (view)

Guys, if you met the right woman would you consider marriage? Posted: 4/1/2007 2:19:41 PM
I have to say I'm surprised at the number of positive responses given the number of forum topics about "nice guys/gals", "serial daters", "jerks", "shallow people", etc. Lest I ever be accused of having a serious nature - if I were to state that I've purchased more than one engagement ring would that suffice for a "yes" - or would my report card get marked with a "questionable judgement" rating?

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