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 Author Thread: You know your a Mom when..
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
You know your a Mom when..
Posted: 7/24/2009 2:00:46 PM
Someone wads up a tissue or a gum wrapper and you hold your hand out for it--even if it's not YOUR kid.

When a kid is acting up in public, you're just glad it isn't yours.

A child's voice calls out "Mommy!" and your head turns, even though it's a little kid's voice and your child's a teenager. (If it's a frantic yell, ALL the mothers' heads turn--and some of the dads' too--and you find yourself taking a step in that direction without even thinking about it.)
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Polyamory: Can a married person set their profile to
Posted: 5/4/2009 6:50:03 PM
There may be room for argument about whether or not a person is married when they're separated, but if they are together, then there is no gray area.

If someone is truly and ethically polyamorous, then full disclosure is the norm. It's unethical and probably counterproductive to lie about your status "to increase the odds" as someone said above. Those who aren't interested in married people still going to reject the liar once they find out. Those who might be open to a polyamorous relationship will probably also say no because of the lying.

IIRC, there are some people on POF who are poly and disclose this in their profiles. Maybe one of them will see this and weigh in.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Women & Sex
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:49:28 PM
I noticed that women who are looking for a good man are not good when it comes to sex. They have some problems. Either they were raped, or molested or had a bad first sexual experience........


Nonsense! Most, if not all, women want a good man for a partner. Some women enjoy sex, some don't.

And I'm with Ms. Micki; any man that can't handle me having male friends is just WAY too insecure.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/20/2009 1:19:32 PM
Lady, please email me; I have some info for you, but your restrictions won't let me.

OT: I've seen how this can be in my ex's family. It wasn't bad when his mother died, as it was uniformly agreed that his father got everything from her. When he died, though, it became a nightmare. I won't go into the sordid details, since there have been so many of those stories already. Suffice it to say that he hasn't talked to his sister in 10 years and only occasionally talks to his brother.

My parents just moved into a retirement community and worked hard to "downsize" beforehand by giving away many of the items with sentimental value. Some of our other older relatives did the same sort of thing; they gave the "inheritances" to their family members as gifts while they were living. OTOH, my dad claims that if there's anything left when they die, it'll be because they miscalculated.

OP: I agree with some of the others; you are an "outsider" in terms of planning her funeral. But the car thing was just plain tacky and uncalled for.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Controling Boyfriend
Posted: 3/20/2009 12:57:01 PM
Madge, you've gotten some very good advice. Someone above said it well--you know what you need to do, but can't apply it in your own case. So now all of us are giving you "permission" to do it. (The better translation for "permission" of course, is "encouragement.") You're a grownup. No one has the right to tell you what to do, unless they're paying you to do it.

Anonymouslyme put it well
He's shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM.


It WILL NOT get better if you go back to him. This is a classic example of abuse; it's just not physical-- yet.

True story; a friend I've known for many years was living with someone like your (hopefully ex) bf. He eventually pushed her down the stairs. She left him and never looked back, although he pursued her and made her life difficult for a while. A little while later, she met her husband. He treats her like a queen. While he does tease her sometimes, it's not mean and his love and respect for her show even then. They recently celebrated their 10th anniversary by renewing their vows, with their son as their "best man."
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Relation with a women who is to much older then me
Posted: 3/18/2009 9:48:56 AM

I know...protected sex is my first ideea but she is very pushy and she said it might be possible to reach the point where I will have to choose ...betwen her and my friend - durex...:(


Two thoughts from me:
1. In matters of sex, "pushy" is NOT good.
2. As a general rule, when someone demands this kind of choice, it's best to choose against them. (That usually goes when someone demands that you choose between your family & them, but IMO it also applies when the choice is between them & protecting your health.)
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
marriage, marriage tax penalty, pensions and Social Sec?
Posted: 3/12/2009 2:05:23 PM
As many people have found out... let your former spouse file for bankruptcy and you'll quickly learn that the seperation of debts listed in the divorce decree means nothing. If you have any joint credit during the marriage it is STILL joint when you divorce unless both people take action to have the names on the account severed and if there is a balance oin that acount the banks are NOT obligated to remove your name just because your divorce decree says that the debt goes to one or the other.


Yikes! I hadn't thought of that. I wonder if that's true everywhere. Just makes me doubly glad that I didn't have any joint credit accounts with my ex, although that's not why I did it. It's possible that in some places, one spouse is responsible for the other's debts whether or not both names are on the account. The state I live in isn't one of them.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
marriage, marriage tax penalty, pensions and Social Sec?
Posted: 3/12/2009 1:06:34 PM

Just file "single". Leave your W-2 as is.


Actually, "single" is not as advantageous as "head of household." You would have to change your W-2 if you're taking the extra exemption for hoh.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 67 (view)
 
admiting a big fault on the first date....should we be honest?
Posted: 3/12/2009 12:29:56 PM

What I'm saying is that you or anybody else is NOT entitled to his past no matter what you think... after all, would anyone else be *entitled* to any aspect of your past? Why should your right to choice override his right to some privacy?

Actually, something like the OP's situation is something that someone has a right to know early in the course of deciding whether or not to have a relationship with him. Privacy is one thing, withholding information about something that could put her at risk is quite another. The problem with verbal abuse, aside from the emotional damage it can cause, is that it often escalates.

That being said, I don't think it's a good idea to disclose on the first date, especially if that means the first meeting. There may or may not be any subsequent dates in any case. If both people aren't interested in seeing the other again, then there's no need for the info.

I like packagedeal's take on it the best--not the first date & not several months down the road, when things are getting serious. Her way of phrasing it is so great that I suggest that the OP print it out for his friend to use.

In either the OP's scenario or yours, I don't think it's a matter of being "punished" for telling the truth. It's a matter of weeding out people who can't deal with the nature of what you've disclosed. At least in your case, it's something that will change in the foreseeable future.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
marriage, marriage tax penalty, pensions and Social Sec?
Posted: 3/12/2009 8:39:17 AM

What if you do marry and your new wife rips you off --- charging on credit cards, taking out loans, poor-mouthing you about needing $ for clothes, beauty shop appointments...etc. You are responsible for half of her bills, whether you know about them or not.

Maybe in some places that's true, but often, if you keep your credit separate, you're NOT responsible for a partner's debts, especially if you make that part of the divorce agreement. I originally did that so I'd maintain credit in my own name, but it turned out to be a good thing for me.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Men poaching other men's wives/girlfriends
Posted: 3/10/2009 8:08:29 PM

Tall Willow... Pardon my ignorance but what the heck is OTOH???


Sorry, puppydog, I didn't see this until today. OTOH stands for "on the other hand."

OT: I forget who said it above, but it's true that no one can "steal" a partner/spouse who doesn't want to stray. It takes a lack of integrity on both sides.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
March 14/Steak and Blow Job Day
Posted: 3/10/2009 12:38:16 PM

Some friends (male and female, actually) suggested that if they're going to have "Steak and a Blow Job Day" the true female counterpart would be "Cunnilingus and Cake Day" That I could get behind, more just for the sake of consistancy/equality


I kinda like that idea but would prefer "chocolate" to "cake," even though the alliteration isn't as good.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Is your lover now your best friend???
Posted: 3/10/2009 11:16:39 AM

Thank-you, TallWillow! May I call on you in the future for interpretation?
Sure--we'll discuss my fees later. The funny thing to me is that I've worked as an interpreter in the past.

IMO, one of the things that women & men have to offer each other as friends is their generally different styles of dealing with problems. While it can often lead to misunderstanding, it can also help to consider things from a different perspective.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
marriage, marriage tax penalty, pensions and Social Sec?
Posted: 3/10/2009 6:01:49 AM

you obviously have kids under the legal age and also in school.
that in itself says that there is entitlement to some sort of refund like earned income credit and such.

first off, i wouldn't date anyone that had any kind of ties to their ex especially when it comes to finances/taxes.....anything that has to do with money.


Green--actually, that type of arrangement between former spouses is so common that the IRS has info about it on their website (at least that was true the last time I looked.) The EITC is only for people who earn under a certain amount per year. For 2008, it's $33,995. There are also tax advantages to filing "Head of Household" instead of "Single."

If you have kids, especially minors, then you will have ties to your ex, unless you're widowed or they've disappeared from the kids' lives. If you (generic you) aren't willing to live with that, then you probably shouldn't date single parents.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 54 (view)
 
why some men don't like their girlfriends having allot of friends?
Posted: 3/6/2009 1:41:12 PM
Do men are insecure, self fish, or want to isolate a woman in order to control her ?
If some think like that , I feel really sorry for them, as they have no trust at all in men , and need to joint a Covent.


Mais si, mon coeur-- some men are exactly that: insecure, selfish and/or controlling. Not all are, of course. But a man not liking his girlfriend to have a lot of friends (especially female ones) is not a plus and would be a red flag for me. It would be a matter of both freedom for me to have my own life and of him trusting me. If trust isn't there, what kind of relationship can two people have?


Please . The question : "why do men ......" , is not the point, the point is for "men and women", alike to know who should be the main priority in their life.


It seems that for you, the answer should be your partner in the relationship. Well for me, that would be irresponsible right now, since I have a minor child. She comes first now. If it were otherwise, I'd be a lousy parent. Now that doesn't mean I'll cater to her every wish at the expense of my relationship, but her needs are first. That doesn't mean I don't work hard at making time for my SO and fortunately, her father is in the picture so I can focus on my man full-time when she's with her dad.

I suppose my answer to your contention is that the important thing is for both partners to agree on priorities. Mine will likely change when my daughter is an adult, but she'll always be important to me. My SO's children are adults, but there are times when they need him and I'm glad to support him in that, as he supports my kid coming first now.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Making a woman laugh
Posted: 3/6/2009 12:24:58 PM

^^^ Not THAT kind of 'stand up,' Deacon!


WR, I'm SO glad I didn't have my mouth full of soda when you said that, or it would've been all over my keyboard.

OP, I'm with the majority here--being able to make me laugh (and preferably laugh at my stuff, too) is essential. It's not enough all by itself, though. I want to learn more about the person I'm with than just what makes them laugh. On second thought, sometimes that's very telling. If their humor is full of racist, sexist, homophobic or other nasty stuff, then I know all I need to know about them.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
What is the best way to get out of a bad date and turn people down who hit on you?
Posted: 3/6/2009 12:09:03 PM
Question 1:
I agree with the others who've advised you to plan a short first meet and then stick it out. At most, it's just a few hours, right?

Question 2:
First try something along the lines of "I'm flattered, but no thanks" as others have advised. If they don't take no for an answer the first time, you are no longer under any obligation to be polite. If they try to follow you to your car, go back inside and call the police; that's creepy and potentially VERY dangerous.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Is your lover now your best friend???
Posted: 3/6/2009 8:07:40 AM

I read somewhere that women talk about a problem just to talk about it, whereas, men talk about a problem seeking a solution.


That's such hooey. I absolutely am not that way - what's the point of yattering on if you can't get to a solution? Not only that, but I've asked every female friend I've ever had and even posted on forums to ask women if they talk just to talk and the overwhelming answer was NO!. Yes, sometimes if you're stuck in a situation that cannot be fixed or changed, sometimes venting is all you can do but nobody wants to get mired in an endless problem and just blather about it.


It's interesting how people interpret things differently. This morning, I misread Dave's sentence; I thought he said "I read somewhere that women talk about a problem just to understand it." When I read Merrylass's response, I realized my mistake.

I think one of the differences between men (in general) and women (in general) is that women talk about a problem to understand it and to deal with it emotionally, but men talk about a problem to solve it. So like Dave said, no need to talk about the hypothetical work problem because it's solved.

Someone said something that struck me as true IME: when the "best friendship" left, we became opponents instead of a team. (I'm paraphrasing, since I thought it was on this thread, but now I can't find it.) That happened in my marriage. The good thing was that after we no longer lived together, the friendship came back. I wouldn't say he's my best friend, but we are good friends.


To me, best friends turn to each other in good and bad times. Who do you call when the shlt hits? You're best friend, right? Well, I want him to call me. I want to be that best friend. And I want to call him when the shlt hits


That's exactly it. You have each other's backs; are the person that each other turns to.

I was pretty surprised (and touched) that when my almost-ex spouse got in a car accident, even though we were separated and he was dating, he asked the doctors to call me.

Merrylass, I had a similar experience with my own almost-ex-husband, but in the other direction. When I needed to go to the emergency room, he came all the way across town to take me on just a few minutes' notice, and stayed with me for hours until they put me in a room. He also made arrangements for his girlfriend to take care of our daughter (he had to go out of town for business while I was in the hospital) and brought her to see me every day when he was in town. I describe him as being like another brother to me nowadays. This was before I met my current SO, who has real best friend potential, but it's a little early to be sure.

I don't remember who said that best friendship takes a while to develop, but I think it's accurate. Even my teenage daughter's 2 best friends are girls she's known for years.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 38 (view)
 
why some men don't like their girlfriends having allot of friends?
Posted: 3/5/2009 3:42:35 PM
And women wonder why we don't trust the guys you hang out with....


No, we wonder why you don't trust us.
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
why some men don't like their girlfriends having allot of friends?
Posted: 3/5/2009 6:15:46 AM
I once had the opposite nightmare...I had a girl who had no friends...
Oh my god, what a CLINGER! Her whole life revolved around me... it was like it was my responsiblity to occupy her mind...


You're right--that is a nightmare. I've been in that situation (with a guy) and just couldn't deal with it. Both partners have to have a life of their own, as well as having one together. No one has the emotional energy to be all things to another person.

BTW, your earlier list had me LOL.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
why some men don't like their girlfriends having allot of friends?
Posted: 3/4/2009 6:14:30 AM
I don't know why you'd consider this "blasting you," but there is no good reason for not wanting one's partner to have friends, especially ones of the same gender. Insecurity could explain not wanting a gf/bf to have opposite sex friends, especially early in a relationship or if they used to be romantically involved.

The part that bothers me in particular is not wanting her to have either male or female friends. This may be a red flag for abuse. The point of abuse is power and control over the abused person. It usually starts with the abuser isolating his/her partner from friends and family.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 381 (view)
 
Squirting...can this be learned?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:04:48 PM
It comes from the bladder, it's frickin pee.
And you know this better than everyone who has posted to the contrary, huh? Do you think that women can't distinguish among our body parts?
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Female Orgasm: Proof Of God
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:31:41 AM
Hallelujah!

Not only is this proof that there is a God, it's proof that she's female.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
how soon should you have sex
Posted: 2/27/2009 3:43:09 PM

Personally, if I met someone who wanted sex the first night, I would not turn it down. Hey I'm a guy. But I would not see her again. Not the type I want to make long term plans with.

So by your standards, you're not the type of person someone should make long term plans with, then?

I purely hate the attitude that sex is something a woman "gives up." IMO, that makes it almost a commodity. To me, sex is something the partners share with each other. That whole idea is just as bad as the double standard--see above.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
We are trying for a child
Posted: 2/27/2009 12:47:16 PM
No, DD, I didn't miss your point. But apparently my playfulness came across as a put-down about a man saying that "we're" pregnant. Actually, I think it's sweet, although there were times during my pregnancy that I did wish I could hand it off to my ex.

Your comment about you bonding instantly with your newborns but your wife taking longer is interesting; it is similar to my experience, but I'd never heard of other mothers experiencing it. When my daughter was born, I thought something was wrong with me because not only did I not feel instantly in love with her, I couldn't even pick her out from the other babies. It took years for me to realize that it was simply because I'd been through the wringer.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
We are trying for a child
Posted: 2/27/2009 11:47:02 AM
waaaait a second ...when both of my kids were born ...not only was i involved when they were conceived...I was there to support and rub what hurt through the pregnancy ..I was there to make her feel beautiful and sexy when her belly was big ....I was there when they were born and was the first to hold each of them ... I changed diapers and heated bottles and walked the floors when they were sick ...I worked long hours to give them the things that they needed and was there to dry tears when knees were skint ...and hearts were broken ...I was there to explain what dogs guys can be and how great the right one can be also...I even had morning sickness.....so I contend that even though I have never had a baby inside me ..I have been just as pregnant as any Mother

Dad


Sorry, that doesn't count as being pregnant. It does sound like a *great* parent, though.

If having morning sickness is what it takes to be pregnant, then (lucky me) I've never been pregnant. Of course, that would make it kind of hard to explain this teenager to whom I gave birth.

Along those lines, someone once pointed out the difference between the verbs "mothering" and "fathering." It seems a shame that only one of those is considered actually parenting, since ideally, both parents care for their children.

OT: Yeah, and some people have the nerve to complain about gay people "flaunting their sexuality."
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
how soon should you have sex
Posted: 2/27/2009 11:23:40 AM

I said no, as i felt it was to soon, is there such a concept, or these days as long as you are both consenting, does it really matter if you have sex on your first date ????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes and Yes

Yes - you are a consenting adult.

Yes - you should know when you are ready for it.


I'll just add that anyone who pressures you for sex before you're ready (or at all, for that matter) is not worth it.

How soon or late it should be is purely up to the people involved and their comfort level.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Honesty and Sincerity about Blow Jobs.
Posted: 2/27/2009 10:48:11 AM
OP & others: no one here is saying you shouldn't be honest. You just need to include tact and sensitivity to your partner's feelings.

It's just as honest to say "I like it (even) better if you do xyz" as to criticize her technique and it's a whole lot kinder.

After all, it's pretty clear that OP's approach didn't have the desired results.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Sleeping with your hand on partner's privates (or vice versa)
Posted: 2/26/2009 10:12:15 AM
I'm another one of those who get too hot to be cuddled up while asleep, but I love drifting off that way, especially in spoon position. I find myself rolling or scooting away later, but I usually maintain contact with a hand or foot. It's usually not my partner's genitals, though, and his hand in or on my hooha would be way too distracting. I wake up sometimes to find that he's moved closer to me to warm up, and that's really sweet. Not so sweet that I don't move away again once I get too warm, though.


And, yes, I like the 'ownership' aspect too but I tend to think of it more as 'commitment' rather than 'ownership'.
Me, too. I think of it more as "belonging with" than "belonging to."
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Romance without Finance is a Nuisance
Posted: 2/25/2009 10:29:54 AM
This is an interesting thread, especially in light of one that's over in the "Relationships" area. It's called "Can you keep her happy without spending money?" and I've found that there seem to be 2 basic attitudes about men and money there. One is that it is the man's responsibility to support his wife and family. The idea there seems to be that, by extension, men should pay for all the dating, and a man who can't pay for the kind of dates that some women want shouldn't be dating. (I'm trying to be fair, here, since I fall into the other camp. If I haven't represented this side clearly, someone please do so.)

The other group (which includes me) sees money and supporting a family as something that is the responsibility of *both* partners, so that expenses should be shared. It's probably women with the latter viewpoint that the OP has dated recently.

That being said, I agree with pazoozoo and others who have said that the *reason* a man is in financial difficulties matters a great deal. If it's a temporary setback and he can normally support himself and meet his obligations, then it's not a problem. If he's in trouble because he's been trying to live beyond his means, that's another story.

BTW, I'm talking about men here, since that's the specific discussion, but the above paragraph should apply to women as well, IMO.



The world needs more people that think not what the world should give you, but what you can do to help the world.

I think that is a more accurate picture of my attitude towards money. My profile here (and on other sites when I had them) indicates more interest in what a man is doing to make the world a better place than how much money he has. That being said, I neither can nor want to support anyone else besides my teenager and myself, so he needs to be at least self-sufficient.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Turned 50 and it's different (shallow thread)
Posted: 2/25/2009 9:47:47 AM
When I first signed up for internet dating, I was 49. I was afraid that people would think I was lying about my age, so I was glad when it rolled over to 50.

I haven't had a problem with a lack of attention due to my age, although it is kind of annoying to read so many profiles of men my age and older only looking for a woman 10 or more years younger. The only way that makes sense to me is if he wants children, but even then, I have to wonder what's up.

My aunt always said she was 28 or 38, and claimed it was because no one would believe her if she said 29 or 39.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
care and bi-polar
Posted: 2/25/2009 6:12:09 AM
I'm at work, so I have to keep this really brief. I'll try to add more later, but for now, I suggest you learn more about bipolar and the treatment options your g/f has.

I'm in the US, so I don't know what's available in Australia, but these 2 sites will at least give you some info--NAMI.org--and some perspective--http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What would you do?
Posted: 2/24/2009 9:51:45 AM
I agree with Cowboy--offer to return them.

Then, if she doesn't want them back, you can use them with a clear conscience, even to take someone else.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 219 (view)
 
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/24/2009 9:48:51 AM

It seems no one understands. There are so many dialogues going on here. You have the Tall Willow , (Pats) who fancy themselves more highly evolved than you run of the mill neophytes, who see no differentiation between male and female. Just one gene pool of 'people' getting together to "what"? Coexist like homosexuals or worse yet, asexual beings? ....

You have the "weenie" dudes who expect a woman to take care of them, no matter how they couch it, they feel inadequate to meet the challenges of being the alpha male....

In nature a two headed organism is an ananomoly. [sic]

I'm smart, I can spell, and I know what I'm talking about.


If you're smart and know what you're talking about, why can't you defend your position without being insulting or creating strawmen?

The "equal means same" junk is old and frankly indefensible. A man has to be quite strong to be able to accept his partner as his equal. A "weenie" is the type to proclaim how "strong" he is to maintain his illusion (or is that delusion?) of being the "alpha male" and in charge of "his" woman.

I understand your view of the appropriate roles for men and women; I just don't happen to believe it's valid. It certainly isn't for me and I don't really see it as appropriate to most relationships. I also think it's prone to abuse on both sides. Why do you refuse to understand my position? There is a substantial difference between a man expecting his partner to support him (financially) and expecting her to also be a responsible adult who carries her own weight and her share of the support of the family.

You refer to a man who wants a woman to take care of him as a "weenie," but you conveniently ignore the fact that many men DO expect women to take care of them--cooking, cleaning, running their households, arranging their social calendars, etc.

A two-headed organism may be an anomaly in nature, but a one-headed relationship isn't a partnership. Even in relationships where they might claim that one is the head, I've observed that in the real partnerships, it doesn't work that way. Where it does work like that, IME, the relationship is lopsided and doesn't work well.

I do owe you an apology; in my earlier posts, I didn't acknowledge that you have a right to your own opinions about the way you want the men in your life to think and behave. I may not agree with it, but I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as I am now.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 218 (view)
 
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/24/2009 9:11:18 AM
You were so eager to be dismissive and insulting...

Oooo burn!
*busts into laughter..
Am I crazy, or is there a difference between a grammatical err, and spelling?

Also, it isn't my fault that you are too much of an idiot to comprehend the difference between a woman you picked on on POF and A WOMAN LIVING WITH YOU.
Jesus. Arguing just to argue now.
Mediocrity is just god awful.
...that you completely missed the point.

The point is that it is *insulting* to treat an adult like a child. It's not a matter of whether it's a new relationship or a committed one. It's expecting that a woman should be treated as a dependent child. I don't know why you don't get that it's inconsiderate at best to say that "allowing" "your" woman to pay for dinner would be like allowing your child to do so.

Maybe you've never been married or had a good example of the way a married couple works. Either way, it seems as if you just don't get the concept of "our" money. My parents have a traditional marriage; Dad worked outside the home and brought in money and Mom worked inside the home, raising us & making sure the household ran smoothly. Even given that, my father would NEVER argue that it was "his" money or that my mother paying for dinner would be like one of his minor children doing so. Both of my parents encouraged all of us--daughters every bit as much as sons--to be able to take care of ourselves. Mom especially urged her daughters to be able to provide for ourselves.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 86 (view)
 
You're in a relationship, but you have a profile on POF just for the threads? Really?
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:36:04 PM

To answer the original question, perhaps a person in a relationship could change his/her status to hidden. This would keep forum options open without the appearance of being still on the market, so to speak.

That can help, but your profile is still visible in the forums. I've still had people ignore the "Not Single/Not Looking" anyway. Go figure! I suppose there are some people who think "Keep Out" means everyone BUT them.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 202 (view)
 
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/23/2009 7:40:25 AM

Men are responsible for their women and children.
Asking your mate to pay half, on dinner, is no different than ASKING YOUR CHILD.


The arrogance and absurdity of this leave me almost speechless! According to you, a grown woman is comparable to a child?!?!? What a crock!

What on earth is wrong with both partners working to make their lives comfortable? Neither one supporting the other financially, except under certain limited circumstances, but both carrying the responsibility for the family/partnership/relationship.


You can not spell.


Apparently, neither can you. And the simple error you made in the above sentence shows why you should know how to spell yourself and not just rely on spell check.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
You're in a relationship, but you have a profile on POF just for the threads? Really?
Posted: 2/17/2009 3:18:20 PM

Yeah they say they aren't looking, then they ask you out. You're all a bunch of bullshitters if you think that you are just here for the forums.


Speak for yourself. Maybe this is your experience, but it's not mine. And even if you have run across people who've done this, they don't represent all of us. You are insulting those of us who do behave with integrity.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 179 (view)
 
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/17/2009 3:12:13 PM

Where I come from, .... our men know it is ultimately their responsibility to be the head of the household and to provide for their families.

....There can't be two "heads" or they will collide. There needs to be a head and an equal but different partner.


Where you and I come from must be vastly different places. It is no more a man's job to provide for his family than it is a woman's. Adults--of either gender--need to be responsible for themselves, their children and their families.

And you can either have a "head" and a subordinate OR 2 equal partners. By definition, a "head" is more equal than the other partner in a family. You can't have it both ways. In an equal partnership, it's up to the couple to work out their differences. If one's vote outweighs the other's, then the relationship is NOT equal.

You're entitled to your own opinion and preferences, but for heaven's sake, identify them as *yours* not as some eternal truth. Not everyone agrees with your perspective.

OT: Even if I accepted the premise that a husband should support his wife and family, that certainly does not apply in this case. In the early days of dating, it's unreasonable for a woman to expect that a man will pay for everything, and always spring for nice (read expensive) dates, especially if he's trying to maintain a home. Even if both agree that paying is his job, she should be content with the many free and inexpensive "dates" that are available.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Should I consider this a sign???
Posted: 2/17/2009 10:18:36 AM
I used to have a lot of trouble with UTIs. What made the difference for me was being religious about drinking at least 64 oz (abt. 2 liters) of water per day. In my case, this was on top of whatever else I was drinking, but it doesn't have to be.

There is a phenomenon called "honeymoon cystitis" which is a bladder infection from having a lot of sex after being celibate for a while.

You've gotten some good answers about the UTIs themselves. As far as whether you should stay in this relationship, only you (and your partner) can decide this. You should probably wait to see if this can be cleared up before deciding this is a deal breaker for you, if other things in the relationship are going well. While sex is an important part of a relationship, it's not the only thing that matters.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 57 (view)
 
When someone sticks their Tongue in your ear
Posted: 2/13/2009 6:23:21 PM
Thanks, Ohio & Greenwoodunion!

I must have had a sheltered upbringing to have missed that one. Actually kinda surprising, considering I have 6 brothers.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 52 (view)
 
When someone sticks their Tongue in your ear
Posted: 2/13/2009 4:03:15 PM
As several people have already said, some like it--and they tend to REALLY like it--and some don't. Like just about everything else, it seems.

By the way, WTH is a "wet willie"?
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 167 (view)
 
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:25:08 AM

maybe Marcus (if you're reading) could add a small mod (possibly as an option under the 'What are you looking for section' )that allows you to set your profile as forum only.

This could then set a flag on the backend database to exclude you from the normal searches but still allow people to click through to you from within the forums to find out more about you.

Again as an option maybe it would be possible to disable the message me function.


Great idea!

Any of you programmers/webmasters/assorted computer geeks know if this would be easy or hard to do? I haven't looked at enough of the "housekeeping" kind of forums to see if there's a "suggestion box" one. Anyone else know?
 tallwillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 167 (view)
 
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/11/2009 1:33:52 PM

Or....yes....most normal women are looking for a man who can provide.


Yuck! Speak for yourself; you most certainly do NOT speak for me. I want a man that can pull his own weight, but I expect to pull mine as well. There is an enormous difference between a woman who is so desperate for a man or a relationship that she'll provide everything for him (IOW, treat him like a dependent child) and one who doesn't want to be treated like a dependent child herself.

This is not to say that there is a problem with a family that looks more traditional. When a family chooses for the mother to stay home and take care of the children and home full time, that is one way of pulling her weight.

It doesn't apply to a dating relationship, though; only to a fully-committed couple who has jointly chosen that.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Wow
Posted: 2/5/2009 1:29:03 PM
Congratulations and best wishes!

I hope my relationship goes as well. I'm 50 & he's 56, so I echo your saying that there's always a chance. Heck, one of my aunts married for the first time at 57 and my grandmother eloped at 70 after being widowed.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 138 (view)
 
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 2/5/2009 12:59:40 PM

My profile is only visible in the forums. I love forum play. It’s fun to engage in hit and run iconoclasm, launch bombastic strafing runs, and enjoy the thrust and parry of double entendre and innuendo.


I'm with Dharmadude; it's too much fun to quit. I've gotten an email or two from someone who's interested, but failed to notice the "Not Single/Not Looking." I just do like some others: email back with "thanks, but no thanks."


hhhmmm...so maybe the owner of this site should add an additional forum like...."no longer fishing , just swimming with friends"


Yeah, but...

[The regular] POF forums are a combination of the Comedy Channel, any one of the daytime soaps, Married with Children, Survivor, Sex and the City and a dash of Outer Limits all rolled into one. Who can resist?


IMO, it's about honesty as well as trust. I'd love my SO to see the forums and he's welcome to read my email, too. I think he'd be rather entertained, too.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Using the marriage name AFTER a divorce?
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:13:04 AM
I also kept my birth name when I got married. I considered hyphenating it with his last name, but it would have sounded like I was spitting at people--too many sibilants. We gave our daughter his last name and just used mine as a middle name. I didn't want to do to her what I didn't want to live with myself.

I never minded having a different last name from my husband, but it did bother me a little having a different one from my daughter. People thought we were divorced long before we split.

So I can see the women who want to give their children their current last name, even if it's a former married name. That being said, if the father is actually involved, then you should consider giving his name to the baby.

The laws elsewhere may be different, but in North Carolina, you can name your child anything you want, whether or not it matches the baby's father, you or the king of Timbuktu. It's harder to get the father on the birth certificate (unless you're married to him; then it's automatic) since he has to sign an affidavit of paternity or be proven to be the father by DNA testing.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Maybe they were all just screwy
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:29:15 PM
A friend gave me a magnet that I keep on the back of my car. It says "Normal People Worry Me."

Fortunately, I don't spend much time worried; I don't know too many normal people.
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Falling in love at my age?
Posted: 2/3/2009 7:32:06 AM

Kissme, one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life happened about 30 years ago. I was riding my bike beside the river and saw a couple around 70 years old sitting on a park bench holding hands. It went far beyond just holding hands, it was love for certain. Their eye's sparkled as they stared at each other and I doubt they were at all aware of others around them. They looked like teenagers lost in emotions so intense that they did not understand. As I rode by that couple I thought "DAMN! I wish I had that in my life."


This reminds me of my grandmother, who didn't let age stop her from falling in love. She was widowed in her late 50's and after a few years, started dating again. She eloped at 70 and stayed happy until she was widowed again. She finally died at 80, from complications of an auto accident she suffered while running around Mexico with her boyfriend. I can't say I always appreciated it; there was one Friday night when I was about 18 that she and my other widowed grandmother both had dates and I didn't.

Now she's an inspiration to me. Kissing on a mall bench in your fifties is even more fun than in your teens, at least for me. Then I was so shy, I'd have been mortified by the scandalized look a young man gave us. Now, both of us just laughed.

That increased confidence means that I will insist on being treated well and not put up with junk just to have a lover in my life as I did then. The downside is that I know too much about love and worry that he might be in love with his own image of me, not with the real me and vice versa. Nonetheless, I'm enjoying being in love. It's great to think of him and smile, to sing as I'm puttering around the house and to look at something interesting and think, "oh, he'll like that."
 TallWillow
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 64 (view)
 
Is it OK to say that I still love my ex?
Posted: 1/23/2009 12:40:57 PM

TallWillow, please consider that if you are still celebrating wedding anniversaries with your ex and discussing intimacies like 'his love life' and your 'on-line dating thing' you have clearly not detached and are deluded (not meant as an insult, just the right term) in thinking either of you has really ended the romantic relationship you once shared. Your boundaries are blurred, obscurred and in serious danger of being crossed. I know from whence I speak and yeah I have used the same explaination line of getting along better because we were no longer together. You are still sort of together, just in a different and odd sort of way and with other play parties involved. You would be shocked to know how many people find themselves back in bed with their ex spouse when they flirt with the boundaries in the way you are doing. If you both have suddenly become so enlightened then why not just renegociate your relationship with him since you are already best friends in the here and now and also have a long shared history.

Now let's not mis-interpret. I do believe one can have affection, appreciation and even an admirable kind of platonic love for someone who was once a spouse or intimate as described in the original post. However, I also believe we can't play head games with ourselves and claim platonic affection when there is still "something there".


Punchingodo, I appreciate your attempt to keep me from repeating mistakes you feel you made. However, your concern is misplaced. My ex and I make a concerted effort to get along, and both thought that a big occasion like a 20th anniversary should be marked in some way. We haven't "suddenly become so enlightened." We've worked hard to get to this place. You're right that our relationship should be renegotiated; it's just that we've *already* done so. He will always be "family" to me, and I'm about as attracted to him as I am to my bio & adopted brothers--or sisters, for that matter. I'm also fond of his girlfriends and he seems to like my boyfriend. The romance between us died long before we ever separated.

OT: I can see where a new partner might be concerned about "love" for an ex, and sometimes that can backfire. For example, the earlier poster who describes himself as "madly in love" with his ex probably shouldn't get in any other relationships until he comes to terms with that. IMO, though, it's better to have a good, fond friendship with your ex, especially if you have children together.
 
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