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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?      Home login  
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 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 80
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?Page 10 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Ahhh, capitano -

me:
Another thing that is stopping me is I am fearing men do not really love women anymore.....it really sounds like from so many forums here that many men have had more pain than pleasure in and after their relationships and do not really like women anymore.
you:
I can sure relate to that.... I have gotten the distinct impression that many women don't like men anymore.
I was jaded when I discovered the fora, but I'm pretty sure I'm more jaded after hanging out here for a while.

I was afraid when I wrote my fears that it would be reciprocated with men feeling the same about women.....that we don't like you anymore either....
And the feeling of being even more jaded hanging out here - yes....although obviously those who express their views here are the more outspoken and I'm hoping do not really convey the whole spectrum of humanity that is on this site and in real life! And, thankfully, there are several outspoken ones who also speak of their wonderful relationships and they are truly inspiring to me.
Many complain, yes, but deep down, as I tried to find out on that other thread, is everyone really giving up and believing the genders just don't admire or like or, ultimately, can't love each other any more?
Hmmmm......I pray that is not the case, or it seems there is little hope for any of us to be here on this site or any other, or in real life also thinking we might meet someone who might become a special person in our hearts and lives...... unless of course we are only here to spout words, but not actually apply our 'theories'.
I feel that love is still possible, absolutely, between the sexes.
I believe that in order for us to find love, we must be loving and lovable.
I also think in order to be respected, we must respect others and also ourselves.
Perhaps, too, it's not so much who or how we pursue, but sometimes that someone finds you.
Someone asked on another thread not so long ago, are we afraid to love?
And to extend that idea - are we afraid to do the work it takes to keep loving another? And to help the other keep loving us?
I know I've given up before and chosen to start again instead of hang in there till the end.....gosh, what an assumption to make to think there would be another one day to start again with....
Well, as I've said before, I also do believe we are in relationship when we are meant to be, and not in relationship also when we are meant to - when we are working on other things or on ourselves to help us become more loving and lovable, and understanding and empathetic, and more respectful in the deepest and truest sense.
I do think we might all be stopping ourselves from having successful relationships - that somewhere in all of us who are not, that we made a choice not to be.....even if it means going back the the beginning and choosing relationships and partners that would not be 'successful' - or long lasting, or ultimately fulfilling, or whatever definition you think of for 'success'....
and yet there is absolute purpose to all we go through - i really believe the purpose is to experience whatever they were/are meant to teach us....so, in fact, I do feel all our relationships, even the most painful ones, are huge teachers for us....all guiding us on our path of love...with ourselves and each other......so when the next one does appear, (hopefully), we might be really ready for it finally.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 81
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 6:50:10 AM
Brown Eyed Woman....


That is very wonderfully said..and I could not agree more! Add what SHE said to my post and I think I have "figgered" myself out! ;)
 sriannaailyim
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 82
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:21:03 AM
What is stopping me is what I am seeking- I have that dilemma-
Those you want, don't want you and those you don't want are EVERYWHERE!
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 83
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:04:39 AM
ahhh ^^...thank you for your honesty. it has moved me so and i can relate...most can, i think. we can't go back, and still being back there in the present is keeping us from moving into the future - without bringing the past with us.
it is a dilemma for sure.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 84
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:51:15 AM

There's the fact that I don't put on a shiny veneer during the courting phase. It's not like I'm bellowing farts during noon tea time, but I refuse to pretend to be something that I'm not.


HCL...but that is EXACTLY what most women WANT. Is to not have the bogus facade in the beginning...only to see their true colors popping out later. What you see, is what you get...from the get-go!

I have seen men (and I am pretty certain women-folk do it too...but I don't date them!) present themselves to be everything they THINK we want...and maybe it IS...but if it is not who they truly are, then what's the freakin' use? So obvious it is like, DER OH...but yet, it still happens.

Karikinetic...yours was one of the most brutally honest posts I have skimmed through! And applies to what HCL said, as well since you are trying to be someone who you think is adequate. YOU might think you are inadequate...but I know there is someone who thinks you are da' bomb! ;O)

WeAre1...bringing the past with us is not always a bad thing, in moderation. :O) I mean, when we experience something negative in relationships...we learn...we recognize that it is unacceptable...so why can't we also learn from the positives of the past as well? I had this...I will NOT accept anything less.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 85
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:27:25 AM
life of l: you say:
You know what's really annoying about this thread? The presumption that if you're not having "a successful relationship" (whatever that is) that there's something, some invisible malevolent force, actively "stopping you". I find this entire framework highly questionable, and of limited utility besides. Especially seeing as how only certain answers are deemed acceptable.

I'm sorry you are finding this thread really annoying. It was not the intention. It was just something obvious (to me only) as a question that has had me thinking and really reflecting, that's all. If it resonates as something in you, fine...if not, fine. No one is making you respond.

Ok - I guess, now I've said that, maybe I should add what I meant by the question. I have many many times already said what my ideas of the word 'successful' mean and many times I have said that is up to the poster to interpret however they wish....what ever you believe it might mean for you - something along the lines of positive, is what i had in mind...very positive, even.....really wonderful is really what i had in mind when i used that word. :)

I did not think of any malevolent force when I've been writing my ideas. If I say there is a time for something to happen and a time for it not to - or what's meant to be, or not, does not mean to me I am not responsible for my own choices - ultimately.
Do I believe in destiny? Is that what you are trying to say or suggest? I'm not sure at all, actually about that. I think we create our reality and if there is some malevolent force guiding us - well, so be it. It does not seem to do a whole lot that is apparent to me and much more so I feel I HAVE to take responsibility for my choices and my life, because if it's not mine, who's is it?

Regarding your last point 'only certain answers are deemed acceptable' - again, i'm sorry you feel that way, if it appears like that. I have not had the time to respond to every single post and it seemed like I was trying to in the beginning, but it was not necessary at all, like in any thread. What happened was I ended up responding to ones that I felt I wanted to respond to - like every forum poster and their choices of when to say what they do, or who to. Truly, I am not that close minded or hearted to decide only some anwers are acceptable. (And your thinking that of me is a bit disturbing actually, but that is your choice, of course.)

So, I started this thread simply with the hope that perhaps it might help each one who chose to respond (or not), a chance to do some self reflection and see if there was anything that clarified for them....like harleykat - her response was great and so fulfilled what i was hoping for anyone here, or out there.

It does not mean that I view any response more or less valid than any other, even if some resonate more with my own experience or views, that's all. I totally feel they are all valid.
* * * * *
And the other poster talking about my refererence to the past? Oh, I see my whole life as my treasure of learning - especially the pain - I have worked many years to be really grateful for it - it was just my heart went out to that poster that was saying his past love was really preventing him from finding love in the present - and i could relate for I have past love that is not with me too....but I do not have regret, as he said - i have gratitude because, again, I believe it all is as it is meant to be - my past love(s) taught me so much - they taught me how to love and to be loved. And that was the gift. Nothing is forever....they taught me that too.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 86
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:43:52 PM

The men I meet say they want one...but as soon as you voice a different opinion or something equally silly they run for the hills...they claim it's a red flag.


Having silly opinions about things IS a red flag.



Communication!!!

I find it hard to meet men who really know what a relationship is.


Ah, yes, the obligatory blame the guy for some deficiency.

I always love the communication deficiency. Women tend to think that incessant talk is communication. What I've found is that women are nowhere NEARLY the great communicators they think they are.

But, you are correct that communication IS something that makes connecting difficult. Rather than assuming that men's way is flawed, perhaps more women ought to look to their OWN means and ways of communicating.


 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 87
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:40:07 AM
^^
"....But, you are correct that communication IS something that makes connecting difficult. Rather than assuming that men's way is flawed, perhaps more women ought to look to their OWN means and ways of communicating."

I agree, Capitano, and I believe that advice can be used whenever we find fault in another - that first we ought to check within as honestly as we can, if we also suffer from that same fault - for sometimes, unknowningly or unconsciously, we might project something of ourselves onto the other - positive or negative - and then it's hard to tell who actually has 'the issue' more.....

I am thinking, perhaps this human tendency to project onto others and not see our own faults, or distortions, or areas that need work in our selves (popularly termed 'denial'), can be a great challenge in communication and, ultimately, part of the breakdown of some relationships.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 88
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 1/15/2009 6:42:41 PM
Honestly? (nooo...tell me some lies!)

Comparing any new prospects to my ex-BF. I had what I felt was THE perfect thing and now I subconsciously compare those characteristics and qualities to every man I date. And no one matches up or even comes remotely close to that...perfection. (Not HIM being perfection...but what we shared together.) And I refuse to settle for less.
 nobrumski
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 89
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 1/15/2009 9:18:46 PM
I am stopping me.

I have too many issues and I wouldn't date me. When I used to date, it was only because the girl wanted to go out with me and she was fun and attractive enough. After my last relationship ended, I realized this was what I was doing so I stopped dating.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 90
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 1/15/2009 9:55:32 PM
What stopped us? Both of us not wanting to make US a priority.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 91
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 1/18/2009 3:23:31 PM

What stops me is the fact that I keep dating girls who try to force me to give up my hobbies, interest, and personal space.

Exactly. I am stopped from having a successful relationship by men who refuse to accomodate another person in his life, without compromise.
"THIS is how I am, accept it." Uh, no. It doesn't work that way in the long-term.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 92
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 1/19/2009 3:03:57 AM
What a surprise to see this thread arise again....glad to see some are using it to do some introspecting.....not so sure about those who are preaching to others and telling them what's acceptable and what is not.....re: the beating a subject to death point....for it is just as much an imbalance to not wish to talk about things as it is to talk about them too much.....but more on that below.....

I think there are vital basic issues that seem to be common factors in much of what people are saying....

Compatibility - it seems unless we are paying extra close attention to who the other person really is, and not just seeing them for who we wish them to be - sometimes we might choose not to see who they really are and not honor there are signs that show incompatibility before you fall in love......so perhaps an attachment to wanting a relationship might over-ride reality that the other person is not really compatible with you....or you with them.

Communication - so vital, but you don't learn good communication, it seems, until you learn what not to do....or so it seems to me. I know I had terrible role models in my parents on how to communicate effectively, especially when there are disagreements or painful and emotional issues.

I would wish we all had communication skills as part of our school curriculum....I think this would help all relationships and the chances of relationships continuing to be loving and fulfilling for all involved....includng relationships with children/parents/siblings/co-workers/bosses/employees, etc.....

Expectations - It seems to me we all do this, and it's a lesson for us all - we must see when we are expecting from another what we are not capable of offering or being ourselves. So, an example would be the beating the subject to death issue - just as you want the other to honor your wishes and not continue to talk about something because you seriously need a break to reflect within yourself, it is equally understandable that the one who needs to understand things on a deeper level because they really can't let go so easily needs to discuss the matter further. Both people need to find a way that allows for each other's needs to be honored.....somehow find a way so both feel heard and respected...

Guess it comes down to communication again....and compatibility....and something one wise woman on these forums wrote last year and it still is with me....

Sometimes we just must make the choice to not be 'right' for the sake of the other person's needs......when you can see that if you continue to discuss something and the other person obviously has had enough, or is asking you to give it a break - then to honor their wishes is your choice - but it also might be they are offering a space for both to do some introspection....to clarify....a breather to reflect....

Perhaps it is wise to remember we all are teachers (and students) of each other.....

Other random thoughts on what might help relationships -

Honor the needs of the relationship and the other person equally with your own needs.

Learn some self-observation so one can see where our ego's can be quite determined and quite destructive to ourselves and each other and our relationships. That point of wanting to be 'right'.

My prayer is we find in and out of our relationships that they are an incredible tool for growth - they speed up the process of learning, but they are not easy.....

I pray we can all find the blessings in relationships that are there for us. And the blessings when we are not in relationship.....for quite often, I have found, not being in a romantic relationship is when I've been in a successful relationship....one with my Self.

Balance - that is the other really vital part of all relationships, in my opinion - balancing all the needs of each person and all people the relationship effects. Much easier said than done, but is essential, for anything unstable and unbalanced will eventually fall over.
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